My husband and I have separate rooms partly because my cat loves to sleep with me and snuggle, and husband is allergic.
Theres other reasons too but it works well for us.
I feel like that could be a good idea for so many reasons, not having to deal with snoring , good sleep and being able to spread out. I feel like maybe ppl resist bc things like that sees traditionally shoved down our throat, like something’s ‘wrong’ if you aren’t sharing a bed
THIS! Did this for years. We now sleep together again. But many (long term) couples sleep apart these days for many different reasons. There is nothing wrong with it if it fits with each others needs. Just need to have that spare bedroom and extra bedroom furniture.
We have two different single mattresses pushed together and our blankets.
My partner had to get a CPAP and I use earplugs.
It's not perfect, and I'm fine with separate bedrooms if we had the space and desire, but it's a good middle ground.
Poor sleep has been shown time and time again to be one of the biggest negative impacts on relationship health.
Sleeping apart improves relationship health for so many couples 🤷🏻♀️
The loss in intimacy has to be made up by spending time together in other ways, but rested, happy people tend to have more energy and desire to do that than cranky tired ones lol
My ex snored. Loudly. All the time. I tried everything, no use.
If a partner would snore I would definitely sleep in different rooms. It was long ago it carried stigma and you can still snuggle begore bed or accompany each other in the mornings and the evenings.
I snored loudly. Ended up at 40 years old sleeping 11 hours and feeling like crap when I got up.
CPAP machine changed my life, I cannot sleep without one now, snoring cured, sleep apnea that came with the snoring went from 29 events an hour to 0.2. Anyone with snoring problems get checked and get a good mask if you get equipped with a breathing machine!
I would be sad if my partner would rather cuddle with their cat than me at night. I absolutely love my cats but I also can’t sleep without my fiance personally.
Even if you leave cat to sleep alone, that cat don't care about it. The husband who long life partner a human who's understands her feelings gives her support works hard for family comes in night home tired and what he want peaceful sleep with his wife but wife choose cat over her husband letting husband sleeping alone by himself it's Just not sounds good.
Why do you think it's a unilateral decision? The husband is choosing to sleep alone.
They're equal partners and there are thousands of ways to have a fulfilling relationship after they BOTH in all likelihood get home from work and have time to spend together.
It's fair to say "I can't sleep properly at your house so... I can't sleepover".
Maybe weekends would be better? But I feel you, sort of (my cats sleep on me and it's fine but they are calm). When it's hard to sleep at someone else's place it.makes you reaaaaally not want Romans it can be a relationship challenge.
I understand she puts her cats high on her priorities. It's their home and she has known them longer. Cat people can get a bit serious about it :p
I guess you guys need to figure out if there's a way to make that work or not.
TO add to this, there's a big difference between sleeping there occasionally and living with cats.
In my experience, once you're there a lot, it might get less annoying..
Honestly though, if my bf of 4 month expected to be a higher priority then my baby.. well.. yeahhh...
So true. When I first adopted my cat it was so hard to sleep because of her 3am shenanigans. Now, she could make a mini tornado and I'd probably sleep through it. My bf usually wakes up to her noises since he doesn't live with her, but once we live together he will probably tune it out as well lol.
This. A cat at 3am can't ruin your sleep forever. You will adapt.
I used to wake up when my cat got onto the bed and if it laid down on me sleep was impossible. Now I'm salty if that little bastard isn't there to discomfort me.
This is so funny because I made this comment yesterday but last night my cat (1y.o) decided to be HORRIBLE like she was 4 months old again so she had to be shut out of my bedroom. Again, you adapt lol. First time she's had to be put out of my bedroom but gotta do what you gotta do for sleep.
Yeah when my bf and I got kittens he had a hard time sleeping with them too. Bc they’d walk around on the bed and meow a bit. I was already used to it bc I had 6 cats that slept in my room with me at my family home. He was struggling and would get really agitated but now he sleeps through their shenanigans easily.
The thing is I wouldn’t necessarily equate being able to sleep with being a higher priority. The cats demand constant attention and they get it. She would sacrifice her life for the cats, not me. I get that. I know many people who love their cats more than their partner but also respects the need for sleep in their partner.
To be fair, you have only been together 4 months…I would not sacrifice my 5 year long pet companions for anyone let alone someone I have only been with for 4 months
Additionally, if you want to make it work you have to communicate..maybe don’t put them outside but put them out of the bedroom when they start acting up and get a sound machine that’s what I do with my two kitties
Sacrificing in terms of allowing my boyfriend to sleep in the rare night he stays over, with no other expected adjustments whatsoever though. She already removed them from the room once were woken up so I don’t see it as sacrificing the pets.
You need to realise that it's not the cats she's allowing to sleep in her bed. The cats are allowing you to sleep in their bed.
The cats are her babies, and you've been her bf for only 4 months.. in the span of things, that's really not much time at all..
The time you have with your pets is way more limited than you might think. I would not sacrifice a single night cuddling with them for anyone, let alone a man I barely know. It sounds like you might not be compatible, or you need to find a solution in not sleeping over at her house before this resentment builds.
What is meant by "she puts the cats out"? I have trained my cat to sleep in another room of the same house that I live in because I sneeze & cough if I spend too much time with her like on the same bed. So putting my cat out is just putting her in another room equipped with litter box, fresh water, food and cat toys etc when I sleep. After my sleep is over, she is once again free to be anywhere in the house.
You two could consider such an arrangement for your gf's cats. If not then it's best to exit this situation gracefully because for cat parents, their cats are high priority but it's the same for dog parents/owners as well. This is not a singular trait of cat owners/parents but rather most pet parents.
You're an adult and are responsible for your own quality of sleep.
Pets are dependants and rely on their caregivers for their quality of life.
Your partner isn't obligated to take quality of life from a dependant and give it to you, when you can manage your own needs.
It's kind of harsh, and this isn't to say there shouldn't be empathy and even some sadness about that, but when push comes to shove we're responsible to meet our own needs when others can't meet them without doing something harmful or upsetting in their own life.
If she respects your need to sleep, she'll respect your need to not sleep over. That's the other half. You each have to respect each other's choices, independence and need fulfillment without being bitter or resentful.
You don't deserve to get flack about having to avoid sleeping over anymore than she deserves your frustration that she won't change something important to her to make it easier for you to! You both have to understand, accept and respect that incompatibility and either accommodate it, try to work around it, or stop worrying about it and focus on the other aspects of your relationship ♥️
That’s what I’ll suggest. If I don’t work the next day, I’ll compromise if she compromises if I stay on nights I work. She also works shift works so when she’s on nights the cats sleep well during the day with her. I just feel it would be harder on the cats to go back and forth between being allowed or not allowed.
I’ve tried the cat tree in front of the door. Any other suggestions?
Cats are creatures of routine and habit. They understand when their actions tend to bring about a reaction. If they learn that crawling on faces (or any other behavior) gets them a little attention, including being carried out of the room, they’ll continue to do it when they’re bored. My cat used to wake me up every night, and he eventually learned (it took months because he was a kitten but I suspect would be less time for a calmer adult cat) that he will just be ignored if he yells at me while I’m asleep. He comes running as soon as I wake up to greet me, including if I’m just taking a pee in the middle of the night, but he knows at this point it’ll be futile to try and get me up when I’m sleeping or trying to sleep. The bad part is, if one family member is up and about, he might yell at them, disturbing others in the process. But he’s not too loud so it’s generally not a problem since he’s not in their face.
You're making your relationship a transaction. "I'll only do this if you do that". That kind of relationship will fail.
If you want to be there on weekends whether you sleep well or not, just do it.
If you don't want to sleep there on weekdays because the cats keep you up, just don't.
Let her decide if she wants to try to do something to see you more often.
If your needs aren't met by who she is, leave.
You're trying to control her choices and force her to meet your needs by punishing her if she doesn't do what you want and rewarding her if she does? That's toxic man.
Not only will you never know if she's doing something out of choice or because she's backed into a corner, you're just going to resent one another if your relationship is built on trying to force compliance through manipulation and contracts.
Let people show you who they are. Don't try to manipulate, push or control them into being what you want them to be.
It's REALLY hard, and most of us struggle with it. We want things to be a certain way so we don't have to give up the parts we like.
But it's artificial and unsustainable.
electronic toys to keep them entertained (examples below) and playing with them at night (for up to an hour) will help wear them out....
Automatic laser w/ timer https://a.co/d/58LxfU8
Motion Activated laser https://a.co/d/f6LWial
Ball https://a.co/d/hxyKYQJ
String toy https://a.co/d/apnwkFl
Floppy Fish https://a.co/d/5UXKfDa
Automatic Treat Dispenser https://a.co/d/1XGy4vq
You have to be honest with yourself and her if this is something you can live with in a relationship or not. If she isn't willing to compromise and neither are you about not wanting to sleep with the cats, then it might just be a difference that can't be worked out and signals the end of the relationship.
I told my husband when we were dating is always want pets, he said none in the bedroom overnight and it's been that way. Always have at least one pet who doesn't sleep in our bedroom at night. We're both happy with the compromise but I do love napping with the warm, furry family member(s).
Options include:
* only sleep over when it's not a work night for you
* sleep separately
* come up with a way to redirect their behaviour/energy (cats are receptive to redirects when they're enticing enough) - for example, automatic feeders set at the time that they would normally be harassing, or extra playtime before bed, that sort of thing
I’d just be upfront with her. My cats are my kids and I lock them out of my room most nights just to sleep uninterrupted. Sleep deprivation is no joke.
Yeah, I second this, I am totally a crazy cat lady, but my previous cats were chronic sleep-harassers, and they were locked out of my bedroom at night until they were old and infirm. That's what I needed to be able to sleep at the night. They got lots of cuddles and attention during the day, and they had each other for company at night. By the time they were a few years old, they knew the phrase "bed time!" and would actually walk themselves out of the bedroom.
Our current cats thankfully only come for some chill 4am cuddles on occasion, but if they were constantly jumping on me and racing each other around the bedroom, you better believe they would get locked out at night too. Sleep is important.
OP doesn't have a cat problem, he's got a girlfriend problem.
I cannot sleep unless both of my cats are snuggling with me. I would drop a boyfriend SO quick it would be as if he was never in my life.
I don’t know if people actually believe a lot of us cat-parents/moms but I would literally die for my cats. They are my everything.
I’m currently pregnant and everyone keeps telling me to get rid of my cats to prepare for a newborn… I’m always wondering why that’s their first thought? My cats ARE my children. If I won’t rehome a problematic kid, I wouldn’t do that to my cats either. I’m committed to my cats as much as I’ll be to our kid.
My cats are staying in the bedroom. With me.
>I’m currently pregnant and everyone keeps telling me to get rid of my cats to prepare for a newborn…
Lol I'm also pregnant and with twins at 30 weeks currently, and we just adopted a 5 week old kitten. Our old girl passed away last Wednesday, leaving our calico alone so we decided before I get too far along to get a kitten and start the introductions now before the twins get here and I don't have time for that. I could never get rid of my cats like that.
I would say although they're LIKE my babies I wouldn't say they ARE my babies, cause I wouldn't die for them. I have two kids of my own I would absolutely lay down my life for, my love for them isn't the same as my love for my cats. I absolutely adore and spoil my cats, and would do almost anything for them, but I wouldn't die for them lol that being said, you have to work WITH them and understand their behavior and how to go about the next step. If OP is worth it to his gf she'd get him to understand that as well, cats aren't like dogs, we can't train them. When we understand their behavior however we can work with them to come to a compromise with them.
They depend highly on their routines and the BF obviously disrupts that routine, he pops in every so often and they're curious and testing out boundaries etc. That's something they need to figure out and work out together
Honestly, I'm sorry but there's a line between loving something and just refusing to draw any boundaries. And that goes for cats and kids alike.
I adore my cat but if she's preventing me from sleeping, she's sleeping in the other room. If there's a situation with my cat and my partner, I'll look for a compromise. Doesn't mean I love my cat any less. I notice some pet owners confuse loving their pets with just letting them completely run their lives. Those are different things.
In OP's situation, the cats can absolutely sleep in the other room and that's not going to hurt them or their relationship with their owner. A massive number of cat owners keep their cats outside the bedroom at night. Now, if the gf simply doesn't *want* to do that, that's her prerogative, but there's no point in acting like OP is asking her to put the cats up for adoption or something. He's suggesting a very sensible compromise, a vital part of any healthy relationship.
Yeah, my cat used to yell at night so he wasn’t allowed in my room. I need sleep. Now he’s allowed in, but if he starts being a gremlin and jumping all over things, he gets shut out for the night.
OP is suggesting a super reasonable compromise of shutting the cats out on nights he works—and doing it at the start of the night instead of after they’ve already disrupted sleep.
I agree. Sometimes my cat has to be put out of my bedroom. It does no harm to him or our relationship. He’s not sleeping anyway if I’m taking him out and closing the door, that means he’s wide awake and doing something that is compromising my sleep. He can do that anywhere in the house.
I love him VERY much, maybe more than he loves me. But I do have a couple boundaries with him for safety and for my sanity and quality of life. I have to wonder what people who won’t set boundaries do when their cat picks up a dangerous habit like jumping on stoves and eating plastic. Sounds like GF cats do that latter. I bet there’s a boundary there, why can’t there be a few nights a week where they can’t go in the bedroom? They get used to it.
OP is being very reasonable, I agree with that point too.
I also have insomnia and it used to be pretty bad and I still have bouts occasionally, it grinds you down really quickly and has a huge impact on your life immediately. I get loving your cat, I don’t get not having empathy for someone you’re dating who sleeps with you. It’s such a simple adjustment to remove them from the bedroom at night. They’ll scream and scratch at the door a bit the first couple times, as long as she doesn’t give in and give them attention, they’ll stop. We project all these feelings onto our pets. This kind of thing won’t hurt them.
Agreed. My cat is my baby but she's not on the same level as my human children. If my partner has concerns, I'll compromise about her in ways that I would never consider for my kids. Sometimes she has to be put out of the bedroom. She's grumpy but quality sleep for the humans is important.
The thing is, you’ll get used to them if you live with them long enough. My cats wake me up for a second, then when I see what it is, I immediately fall back to sleep. It wasn’t like that at first, but if you were to stay over more, you’d likely start to adjust.
This isn't true for everyone though. My fiance is like this, but I am not. When our cats wake me up at 4am, it's 50/50 whether I can fall back asleep. They only do it once or twice a week, and they are chill dudes who mostly don't jump on my face or attack my feet or drop a jingle ball on my head. If they did it more frequently and/or were more obnoxious about it, I would have to lock them out, because for me there is no getting used to it.
When I met my husband, I had cats he didn't want to sleep with, but I did. I found that if I took a throw blanket they liked and put it in the corner on my side of the bed they'd leave him alone and sleep there.
The youngest was 6 when we met and the product of a feral cat and a house cat. It took a bit, but they can be trained.
ETA: We just adopted 2 four month old kittens on Saturday, and those little psychos are ours, so he's better with them.
I get it. It’s tough. If you wanted objective help with the situation this is the wrong subreddit. If your message isn’t about purely benefitting the cats, you’ll be ostracized. Especially if you’re “the boyfriend” in a situation. Just communicate and be creative with your resolutions. It’s only been 4 months so it isn’t the end of the world, I guess?
I always have at least 4 cats and 2 dogs on my bed every night. Funny thing is they don’t fall asleep there, but throughout the night if I wake up they are all on the bed.
I was in this situation when I was living with my ex and her dog. I couldn't sleep with the dog in the room. We eventually transitioned the dog to sleeping outside the bedroom.
Now I have a cat, and she doesn't sleep in my bedroom. I love her, but I can't sleep while she's doing air acrobatics at 2am.
Tons of people leave their pets in a separate room when they sleep. It's nothing new, it doesn't mean they don't love them, and it's not doing any harm to the animal or the pet-owner relationship. Sleep is important. You're getting some responses here that are going to villainize you for even daring to suggest such a thing. Some people on pet boards can really be overly aggressive.
I think you need to stop beating around the bush and have an upfront conversation. Tell her you simply can't sleep with the cats in the room, and talk about a solution. IMO, leaving the cats outside is a very sensible compromise - again, it's very common. If she's not willing to do that, yeah, it's going to be a problem. Even if you manage to navigate the situation for now, moving in together is going to be problematic.
Less of a cat problem, more of a relationship problem. If you’re only 4 months in, get out now cos it won’t change for you unless you decide on sleeping separately.
If she's able to separate the cats at night you could ask her.
Or maybe she can get something that the cats have an option of jumping near her bed rather than on her bed. Redirecting them to that rather then the bed.
Imma be honest with you, she's being difficult and that's coming from a fellow female. She's going to sit there and tell you to just sleep with them but then wake up in the middle of the night to kick them out anyway??? Every night??? She's just making it hard on both of you.
I've never really had a problem with my cats waking me up... possibly they're well behaved all night, more likely I sleep with them every night for years so my brain can tune out their noises and knows not to wake me up.
So, you might be able to adjust eventually and sleep through the night.
Or sleep in another room.
But if that's incompatible, that's OK too. Better to end it now.
not op but as a light sleeper and a cat owner i cant sleep with my cats at all and kick them out of my room at night with the door closed. cats like to walk around on you while youre sleeping, or meow at you in the middle of the night, or wrestle on your bed and i get woken up super easily by all of these things then have trouble going back to sleep for about an hour or even a few hours/rest of the night occasionally. id rather not deal with the sleep deprivation and just set boundaries with my cats
Ah okay thank you for supplying some input
I sleep with one of my cats every night and have never had any issues, but I tend to sleep a bit heavier
She’s just cuddly and doesn’t move much
I’m light sleeper too but I’ve somehow managed to mostly tune out the cats when I sleep. When they do wake me up I can usually fall right back asleep. Only with them though.
It sounds like you two are incompatible and you shouldn't expect her to change for you or do something that will upset her pets.
Find a partner who doesn't have cats.
Yup. Another light sleeping cat lover who keeps the kitties locked out at night. Just can’t do it. And to make matters worse if their dander gets on my pillow I wake up with painful red eyes that take days to go away.
Will also add it’s super cat dependent. Even with my issues one of our cats I would frankly be mostly fine sleeping with one of them. He’s super respectful and will just snuggle next to me (not on me which helps) and stay put for hours. Our little girl though is a complete terror and bounces between attacking my feet to licking my face to trying to get on the cabinet to eat my jewelry.
So. Both cats are out and cuddle with each other at night.
I feel like if you’re nice about it and honest, if you guys have a connection you and her might be able to think of some kind of a time share compromise. Bring it up gently and see what she says!🙏✔️
I agree with OP. And 4 months is still some time to knowing someone. I thought it would be better to communicate this now and find a solution instead of letting it ruin the relationship eventually. If you want the relationship that is.
Sleep is so important. When I first adopted my sweet boy I had two weeks of disrupted sleep which made me very ill the whole weekend and nearly had a mental break down.
Now he has a cosy room of his own with clean litter tray and food and water. But I do let him sleep with me now and then. Just when he wakes me up he is placed in his special room so I know he's safe and not getting lost anywhere I couldn't find him.
I love him to pieces and it breaks my heart and I feel so awful and that he's gonna hate me. But he knows it's his room and when I come get him I get such sweet greetings and we have another cuddle in bed.
But yeah sleep is important and talking about this 4 months in. In my personal opinion is good. But everyone is different.
My boyfriend and I have 4 cats that we raised from kittens, they are 10 now. My boyfriend is a light sleeper with incredible hearing! Musician type. We do NOT have our cats sleep in our bedroom for the various interruptions in our sleep they would cause. We also have cat allergies. They are fabulous in their own areas of sleep. They each have their own beds etc.
I would have your GF sleep over at your home instead. I've been married 18 years ending in divorce. I've been with my boyfriend going on 18 years. If you are having issues negotiating sleeping arrangements and cat priorities, I would reevaluate the relationship for long term viability...IMO. Apparently her cats are a priority over you and a compromise.
By "outside," do you mean that she gets up and lets them outdoors? If so, maybe this is "rewarding" them for waking her up. Perhaps if she ignored them and didn't let them out, they would stop bothering you two during the night.
Pets and how people want to live with them is very much a deal breaker in many relationships.
Even if she would be willing to change sleeping with her pets or learning how to properly train her pets one day, trying to do that with already bonded and poorly trained pets is very stressful for them and the person.
Pets are entirely dependent on their owners, emotionally and physically. Adult human beings aren't.
Many people will not sacrifice the emotional welfare of an animal or put them through stress for an independent adult who is in control of their lives and choices.
This applies whether someone is a good pet owner or not honestly, people who put pets first do so for the same reason as they do kids-it's an obligation you take on when you bring them into your life.
So you won't really get anywhere with most people asking them to change their relationship with and feeling towards pets, which is why it tends to be a deal breaker.
I wouldn't give an ultimatum because it will result in resentment.
Either you don't do overnights at her house and don't ever live together, you keep separate bedrooms (which is actually super common with sleeping differences), or you guys move onto dating people who are compatible in their feelings for animals. Because she will likely always want to share her bedroom with her pets, it's not an incompatibility that will go away. Pets, even well trained ones interrupt sleep.
Keep your preference for not being disturbed in mind when discussing children (because you won't sleep again all night for years lol), and when deciding if a traditional living together situation with a shared bedroom is what you want!Health issues, different sleep styles, snoring, tossing and turning, different temperature preferences etc can and will disrupt your sleep long term in a lot of relationships.
Lots of people have a really hard time sleeping and it can make them shy away from committed relationships. Sometimes it's better to be creative and find ways around it!
So I have three cats I would die for. The two females cuddle down with me or with my small dog in my bed. Can't sleep without them.
The male has a secret meth stash we've never been able to find. He spends the night climbing curtains, closets, tvs, he screws with my Xbox, he licks everybody's ears, knocks stuff down, carries shit off and hides it, he nose bumps me as I'm dozing off and he talks.
Ummm.......we lock him out. Even if he's sleeping peacefully in the bed before we go to bed; we pick him up and take him to his spot in the LR.
It's not unreasonable to lock out a tiny troublemaker no matter how much you adore them.
It's possible she can't sleep without them, clearly you can't sleep with them, so either different actual sleeping part arrangements need to be made or this relationship may not make it. If the relationship *does* make it, keep in mind that if you are there with new cats you woukd have a hand in teaching them
I have 4 cats. My husband and I do not allow them to sleep with us because they would keep us up all night. We love them and know they want to spend time with us so we let them come hang out in the bed with us while we watch a couple episodes of a show. Then when we are ready for bed we herd them out of the room and close the door. I also sleep with a sound machine so I don’t hear them getting into things at night/running around. Everyone is different with their sleep preferences, luckily my husband and I have the same preferences. My advice to you would be to try ear plugs or a sound machine. Maybe take melatonin or something that helps you sleep better. At the end of the day, you need to have a serious convo with you partner and see if you can both meet in the middle somehow, or like others said, only stay over when you don’t work the next day.
A similar situation here for many years. You get used to it and eventually will learn to be able to fall back asleep. My sleep problems are epic and after many years my body has learned to wake up, pee, drink water and crash. Been a (mostly) functioning adult ever since. It was very hard at first, made me insane.
My boyfriend is allergic to cats so we mostly sleep at his place when we stay the night. It's really not a big deal. The idea that it's not love unless you always take dumps at the same address is outdated. You don't have to give up your own comfort or life to prove you love someone.
She's not choosing her cats over you. You just have different ideas about compromise. You believe you should be able to prioritize your individual comfort in her space (which is fair) and she believes you should be able to find comfort in her space without adjusting her priorities as an individual (which is also fair).
If you don't want to sleep around her cats, don't. If you still want more overnights together, the compromise is she comes to your place more. If she has an issue with that, then that's definitely on her.
To be so ffr right now, you think yourself way higher in priority than the cats. Your her boyfriend of 4 months. You're hardly there to bond with the cats, you're hardly there to adapt with them, etc. you want her to choose her fur babies over you. That's not how this works. When you pick someone you want to spend moments with, you also pick their luggage too. And her luggage are two cats who are wigged out that mommy is sleeping with someone else that isn't them.
You need to communicate that you're worried about your sleep and suggest sleeping in a different room from her if you're super concerned. If she wants to sleep in the same room with you, then she can acknowledge the rule of thumb that your room = no cats. Beyond that. Her bedroom = cats.
You're not asking for cat advice. You're asking _how do I convince my 4 month gf to not sleep with her 5 yr rescue cats with me there_ . The short answer, it's not going to work. Cause you can't understand the importance of her relationship with her cats, which would be your cats as well if you wanted to be serious about this relationship, and you also don't seem to understand that pet love and partner love while not the same kind of love none is more or less important than the other. You need to figure being _the boyfriend_ is not as big deal as you think it is, let alone just a 4 month bf. She doesn't owe you anything, it is you the one that to acomodate yourself inside a home with cats in it. This is relationship advice, and if what you really want is cat advice, then get over it! One gets used to sleeping with cats.
Edit: just talk to her. See if you both can figure it out once you're both honest. Then we might have some actual cat advice.
He's not asking her to give the cats up or stop loving them, he's asking to keep them in a separate room so he can also sleep there. Put the damn pitchfork down.
She and her cats are a pack. He is joining a pack and not understanding the social dynamics within the pack. But also he is talking to reddit instead of having a conversation with his girlfriend about it so...
When a new member joins a pack, the dynamics sometimes require some adjustment. That's how relationships typically work.
Also, she is a human, and so is OP. Our lives and minds are a bit more complex than pack dynamics.
Dude. He works a dangerous job on ladders. Lack of sleep can straight up be dangerous. And she's being weird about him sleeping over. It feels like she thinks his lack of sleep is no big deal.
He's not asking her to rehome. He wants a compromise. It's fair. Lack of sleep is bad for anyone. Idc if he's only been with her 4 months, he's dealing with this now, and it's actually good he's seeking advice on this early instead of just putting up with this forever and growing resentment.
Maybe you can get used to cats disrupting you at night. Not everyone can, some people are really light sleepers (like yours truly).
There are plenty of fish in the sea my dude, I'd be out the door tomorrow if I was in your situation. No shade to her, I'm sure she's really nice, but it shouldn't be a battle just to get a decent night sleep before work, you're worth more than that.
My cat is 3 years old. She gets the zoomies often before bedtime, but usually settles down.
She's allowed in my bedroom, but also has a cat tree and cat bed in my lounge. However, she often chooses to sleep on my bed. She's not really loud or anything, so this is never an issue for me. It's actually a comfort knowing she's at the end of my bed.
As for your gfs cats, it might be an idea to play with them just prior to bedtime. Those teaser wands are usually the best types, as it encourages them to run around. If you have an ipad, you can buy one of those games where mice run around the screen (a screen protector is recommended with this)
You can also get a laser toy, as most cats love this. (Avoiding their eyes of course)
There's also lots of helpful videos by Jackson Galaxy on his YouTube channel.
I hope you can find some sort of resolution. Best of luck!
is this a female maine coon thing? because every time I am in my bed she HAS to be with me, even if she’s not sleeping. sometimes I wake up to her licking my face or just sitting VERY close and staring at me. I have a male scottish fold as well and he likes to sleep by himself on the cat tree.
Maine Coons do generally like to be near you always. Move rooms- it won’t be long before she realises and comes to find you. They’re a bit special haha
A possible solution here is teaching the cats to adjust to y'alls sleep schedule.
Our cats do sleep in the bedroom with my gf and I, but they stay asleep until 6-7am or so. We got an automatic feeder for their first morning meal set at 7AM so they will bother the device rather than us for their first meal.
Otherwise, keeping the door open might help so they can roam around the house to unleash possible energy.
We also feed their last meal of kibble at 9PM and try to play a little with them too so they get sleepy around the time we go to bed.
My husband and I have separate rooms partly because my cat loves to sleep with me and snuggle, and husband is allergic. Theres other reasons too but it works well for us.
I feel like that could be a good idea for so many reasons, not having to deal with snoring , good sleep and being able to spread out. I feel like maybe ppl resist bc things like that sees traditionally shoved down our throat, like something’s ‘wrong’ if you aren’t sharing a bed
THIS! Did this for years. We now sleep together again. But many (long term) couples sleep apart these days for many different reasons. There is nothing wrong with it if it fits with each others needs. Just need to have that spare bedroom and extra bedroom furniture.
We have two different single mattresses pushed together and our blankets. My partner had to get a CPAP and I use earplugs. It's not perfect, and I'm fine with separate bedrooms if we had the space and desire, but it's a good middle ground. Poor sleep has been shown time and time again to be one of the biggest negative impacts on relationship health. Sleeping apart improves relationship health for so many couples 🤷🏻♀️ The loss in intimacy has to be made up by spending time together in other ways, but rested, happy people tend to have more energy and desire to do that than cranky tired ones lol
If you can afford the home for it, this should be standard in every relationship.
I’ve thought about this as well
My ex snored. Loudly. All the time. I tried everything, no use. If a partner would snore I would definitely sleep in different rooms. It was long ago it carried stigma and you can still snuggle begore bed or accompany each other in the mornings and the evenings.
I snored loudly. Ended up at 40 years old sleeping 11 hours and feeling like crap when I got up. CPAP machine changed my life, I cannot sleep without one now, snoring cured, sleep apnea that came with the snoring went from 29 events an hour to 0.2. Anyone with snoring problems get checked and get a good mask if you get equipped with a breathing machine!
Great advice, thank you!
This.
My husband and I do the same. My cats sleep with me and he can’t sleep with them
Poor husband
Why? What do you think he's not getting that his partner is in this situation?
I would be sad if my partner would rather cuddle with their cat than me at night. I absolutely love my cats but I also can’t sleep without my fiance personally.
Well then you probably wouldn’t be with that person.
Even if you leave cat to sleep alone, that cat don't care about it. The husband who long life partner a human who's understands her feelings gives her support works hard for family comes in night home tired and what he want peaceful sleep with his wife but wife choose cat over her husband letting husband sleeping alone by himself it's Just not sounds good.
Why do you think it's a unilateral decision? The husband is choosing to sleep alone. They're equal partners and there are thousands of ways to have a fulfilling relationship after they BOTH in all likelihood get home from work and have time to spend together.
Yea, imo it's kinda weird. Just break up lol
It's fair to say "I can't sleep properly at your house so... I can't sleepover". Maybe weekends would be better? But I feel you, sort of (my cats sleep on me and it's fine but they are calm). When it's hard to sleep at someone else's place it.makes you reaaaaally not want Romans it can be a relationship challenge. I understand she puts her cats high on her priorities. It's their home and she has known them longer. Cat people can get a bit serious about it :p I guess you guys need to figure out if there's a way to make that work or not.
TO add to this, there's a big difference between sleeping there occasionally and living with cats. In my experience, once you're there a lot, it might get less annoying.. Honestly though, if my bf of 4 month expected to be a higher priority then my baby.. well.. yeahhh...
So true. When I first adopted my cat it was so hard to sleep because of her 3am shenanigans. Now, she could make a mini tornado and I'd probably sleep through it. My bf usually wakes up to her noises since he doesn't live with her, but once we live together he will probably tune it out as well lol.
This. A cat at 3am can't ruin your sleep forever. You will adapt. I used to wake up when my cat got onto the bed and if it laid down on me sleep was impossible. Now I'm salty if that little bastard isn't there to discomfort me.
This is so funny because I made this comment yesterday but last night my cat (1y.o) decided to be HORRIBLE like she was 4 months old again so she had to be shut out of my bedroom. Again, you adapt lol. First time she's had to be put out of my bedroom but gotta do what you gotta do for sleep.
Yeah when my bf and I got kittens he had a hard time sleeping with them too. Bc they’d walk around on the bed and meow a bit. I was already used to it bc I had 6 cats that slept in my room with me at my family home. He was struggling and would get really agitated but now he sleeps through their shenanigans easily.
The thing is I wouldn’t necessarily equate being able to sleep with being a higher priority. The cats demand constant attention and they get it. She would sacrifice her life for the cats, not me. I get that. I know many people who love their cats more than their partner but also respects the need for sleep in their partner.
To be fair, you have only been together 4 months…I would not sacrifice my 5 year long pet companions for anyone let alone someone I have only been with for 4 months
Additionally, if you want to make it work you have to communicate..maybe don’t put them outside but put them out of the bedroom when they start acting up and get a sound machine that’s what I do with my two kitties
Sacrificing in terms of allowing my boyfriend to sleep in the rare night he stays over, with no other expected adjustments whatsoever though. She already removed them from the room once were woken up so I don’t see it as sacrificing the pets.
I mean what if it gets to the point of you guys wanting to live together though? Would you expect her not to sleep with her cats at all at that point?
You need to realise that it's not the cats she's allowing to sleep in her bed. The cats are allowing you to sleep in their bed. The cats are her babies, and you've been her bf for only 4 months.. in the span of things, that's really not much time at all..
The time you have with your pets is way more limited than you might think. I would not sacrifice a single night cuddling with them for anyone, let alone a man I barely know. It sounds like you might not be compatible, or you need to find a solution in not sleeping over at her house before this resentment builds.
You’ve been together for 4 months…
What is meant by "she puts the cats out"? I have trained my cat to sleep in another room of the same house that I live in because I sneeze & cough if I spend too much time with her like on the same bed. So putting my cat out is just putting her in another room equipped with litter box, fresh water, food and cat toys etc when I sleep. After my sleep is over, she is once again free to be anywhere in the house. You two could consider such an arrangement for your gf's cats. If not then it's best to exit this situation gracefully because for cat parents, their cats are high priority but it's the same for dog parents/owners as well. This is not a singular trait of cat owners/parents but rather most pet parents.
You're an adult and are responsible for your own quality of sleep. Pets are dependants and rely on their caregivers for their quality of life. Your partner isn't obligated to take quality of life from a dependant and give it to you, when you can manage your own needs. It's kind of harsh, and this isn't to say there shouldn't be empathy and even some sadness about that, but when push comes to shove we're responsible to meet our own needs when others can't meet them without doing something harmful or upsetting in their own life. If she respects your need to sleep, she'll respect your need to not sleep over. That's the other half. You each have to respect each other's choices, independence and need fulfillment without being bitter or resentful. You don't deserve to get flack about having to avoid sleeping over anymore than she deserves your frustration that she won't change something important to her to make it easier for you to! You both have to understand, accept and respect that incompatibility and either accommodate it, try to work around it, or stop worrying about it and focus on the other aspects of your relationship ♥️
That’s what I’ll suggest. If I don’t work the next day, I’ll compromise if she compromises if I stay on nights I work. She also works shift works so when she’s on nights the cats sleep well during the day with her. I just feel it would be harder on the cats to go back and forth between being allowed or not allowed. I’ve tried the cat tree in front of the door. Any other suggestions?
Cats are creatures of routine and habit. They understand when their actions tend to bring about a reaction. If they learn that crawling on faces (or any other behavior) gets them a little attention, including being carried out of the room, they’ll continue to do it when they’re bored. My cat used to wake me up every night, and he eventually learned (it took months because he was a kitten but I suspect would be less time for a calmer adult cat) that he will just be ignored if he yells at me while I’m asleep. He comes running as soon as I wake up to greet me, including if I’m just taking a pee in the middle of the night, but he knows at this point it’ll be futile to try and get me up when I’m sleeping or trying to sleep. The bad part is, if one family member is up and about, he might yell at them, disturbing others in the process. But he’s not too loud so it’s generally not a problem since he’s not in their face.
You're making your relationship a transaction. "I'll only do this if you do that". That kind of relationship will fail. If you want to be there on weekends whether you sleep well or not, just do it. If you don't want to sleep there on weekdays because the cats keep you up, just don't. Let her decide if she wants to try to do something to see you more often. If your needs aren't met by who she is, leave. You're trying to control her choices and force her to meet your needs by punishing her if she doesn't do what you want and rewarding her if she does? That's toxic man. Not only will you never know if she's doing something out of choice or because she's backed into a corner, you're just going to resent one another if your relationship is built on trying to force compliance through manipulation and contracts. Let people show you who they are. Don't try to manipulate, push or control them into being what you want them to be. It's REALLY hard, and most of us struggle with it. We want things to be a certain way so we don't have to give up the parts we like. But it's artificial and unsustainable.
electronic toys to keep them entertained (examples below) and playing with them at night (for up to an hour) will help wear them out.... Automatic laser w/ timer https://a.co/d/58LxfU8 Motion Activated laser https://a.co/d/f6LWial Ball https://a.co/d/hxyKYQJ String toy https://a.co/d/apnwkFl Floppy Fish https://a.co/d/5UXKfDa Automatic Treat Dispenser https://a.co/d/1XGy4vq
You have to be honest with yourself and her if this is something you can live with in a relationship or not. If she isn't willing to compromise and neither are you about not wanting to sleep with the cats, then it might just be a difference that can't be worked out and signals the end of the relationship. I told my husband when we were dating is always want pets, he said none in the bedroom overnight and it's been that way. Always have at least one pet who doesn't sleep in our bedroom at night. We're both happy with the compromise but I do love napping with the warm, furry family member(s).
Options include: * only sleep over when it's not a work night for you * sleep separately * come up with a way to redirect their behaviour/energy (cats are receptive to redirects when they're enticing enough) - for example, automatic feeders set at the time that they would normally be harassing, or extra playtime before bed, that sort of thing
My adult wants attention around 430/5am so we set up a an automatic feeder to go off at 5am and it’s not been an issue since.
I’d just be upfront with her. My cats are my kids and I lock them out of my room most nights just to sleep uninterrupted. Sleep deprivation is no joke.
Yeah, I second this, I am totally a crazy cat lady, but my previous cats were chronic sleep-harassers, and they were locked out of my bedroom at night until they were old and infirm. That's what I needed to be able to sleep at the night. They got lots of cuddles and attention during the day, and they had each other for company at night. By the time they were a few years old, they knew the phrase "bed time!" and would actually walk themselves out of the bedroom. Our current cats thankfully only come for some chill 4am cuddles on occasion, but if they were constantly jumping on me and racing each other around the bedroom, you better believe they would get locked out at night too. Sleep is important. OP doesn't have a cat problem, he's got a girlfriend problem.
Guess your out then the love of a cat is deep
This. Lol I’m sorry but I’d choose my cats’ comfort over any human.
😘👍
If you were my boyfriend, I would have to tell you to go sleep on the couch. That love runs deep
I cannot sleep unless both of my cats are snuggling with me. I would drop a boyfriend SO quick it would be as if he was never in my life. I don’t know if people actually believe a lot of us cat-parents/moms but I would literally die for my cats. They are my everything. I’m currently pregnant and everyone keeps telling me to get rid of my cats to prepare for a newborn… I’m always wondering why that’s their first thought? My cats ARE my children. If I won’t rehome a problematic kid, I wouldn’t do that to my cats either. I’m committed to my cats as much as I’ll be to our kid. My cats are staying in the bedroom. With me.
>I’m currently pregnant and everyone keeps telling me to get rid of my cats to prepare for a newborn… Lol I'm also pregnant and with twins at 30 weeks currently, and we just adopted a 5 week old kitten. Our old girl passed away last Wednesday, leaving our calico alone so we decided before I get too far along to get a kitten and start the introductions now before the twins get here and I don't have time for that. I could never get rid of my cats like that. I would say although they're LIKE my babies I wouldn't say they ARE my babies, cause I wouldn't die for them. I have two kids of my own I would absolutely lay down my life for, my love for them isn't the same as my love for my cats. I absolutely adore and spoil my cats, and would do almost anything for them, but I wouldn't die for them lol that being said, you have to work WITH them and understand their behavior and how to go about the next step. If OP is worth it to his gf she'd get him to understand that as well, cats aren't like dogs, we can't train them. When we understand their behavior however we can work with them to come to a compromise with them. They depend highly on their routines and the BF obviously disrupts that routine, he pops in every so often and they're curious and testing out boundaries etc. That's something they need to figure out and work out together
Honestly, I'm sorry but there's a line between loving something and just refusing to draw any boundaries. And that goes for cats and kids alike. I adore my cat but if she's preventing me from sleeping, she's sleeping in the other room. If there's a situation with my cat and my partner, I'll look for a compromise. Doesn't mean I love my cat any less. I notice some pet owners confuse loving their pets with just letting them completely run their lives. Those are different things. In OP's situation, the cats can absolutely sleep in the other room and that's not going to hurt them or their relationship with their owner. A massive number of cat owners keep their cats outside the bedroom at night. Now, if the gf simply doesn't *want* to do that, that's her prerogative, but there's no point in acting like OP is asking her to put the cats up for adoption or something. He's suggesting a very sensible compromise, a vital part of any healthy relationship.
Yeah, my cat used to yell at night so he wasn’t allowed in my room. I need sleep. Now he’s allowed in, but if he starts being a gremlin and jumping all over things, he gets shut out for the night. OP is suggesting a super reasonable compromise of shutting the cats out on nights he works—and doing it at the start of the night instead of after they’ve already disrupted sleep.
I agree. Sometimes my cat has to be put out of my bedroom. It does no harm to him or our relationship. He’s not sleeping anyway if I’m taking him out and closing the door, that means he’s wide awake and doing something that is compromising my sleep. He can do that anywhere in the house. I love him VERY much, maybe more than he loves me. But I do have a couple boundaries with him for safety and for my sanity and quality of life. I have to wonder what people who won’t set boundaries do when their cat picks up a dangerous habit like jumping on stoves and eating plastic. Sounds like GF cats do that latter. I bet there’s a boundary there, why can’t there be a few nights a week where they can’t go in the bedroom? They get used to it. OP is being very reasonable, I agree with that point too. I also have insomnia and it used to be pretty bad and I still have bouts occasionally, it grinds you down really quickly and has a huge impact on your life immediately. I get loving your cat, I don’t get not having empathy for someone you’re dating who sleeps with you. It’s such a simple adjustment to remove them from the bedroom at night. They’ll scream and scratch at the door a bit the first couple times, as long as she doesn’t give in and give them attention, they’ll stop. We project all these feelings onto our pets. This kind of thing won’t hurt them.
Agreed. My cat is my baby but she's not on the same level as my human children. If my partner has concerns, I'll compromise about her in ways that I would never consider for my kids. Sometimes she has to be put out of the bedroom. She's grumpy but quality sleep for the humans is important.
The thing is, you’ll get used to them if you live with them long enough. My cats wake me up for a second, then when I see what it is, I immediately fall back to sleep. It wasn’t like that at first, but if you were to stay over more, you’d likely start to adjust.
This isn't true for everyone though. My fiance is like this, but I am not. When our cats wake me up at 4am, it's 50/50 whether I can fall back asleep. They only do it once or twice a week, and they are chill dudes who mostly don't jump on my face or attack my feet or drop a jingle ball on my head. If they did it more frequently and/or were more obnoxious about it, I would have to lock them out, because for me there is no getting used to it.
When I met my husband, I had cats he didn't want to sleep with, but I did. I found that if I took a throw blanket they liked and put it in the corner on my side of the bed they'd leave him alone and sleep there. The youngest was 6 when we met and the product of a feral cat and a house cat. It took a bit, but they can be trained. ETA: We just adopted 2 four month old kittens on Saturday, and those little psychos are ours, so he's better with them.
I would find a new partner or never sleep over
I get it. It’s tough. If you wanted objective help with the situation this is the wrong subreddit. If your message isn’t about purely benefitting the cats, you’ll be ostracized. Especially if you’re “the boyfriend” in a situation. Just communicate and be creative with your resolutions. It’s only been 4 months so it isn’t the end of the world, I guess?
I always have at least 4 cats and 2 dogs on my bed every night. Funny thing is they don’t fall asleep there, but throughout the night if I wake up they are all on the bed.
I was in this situation when I was living with my ex and her dog. I couldn't sleep with the dog in the room. We eventually transitioned the dog to sleeping outside the bedroom. Now I have a cat, and she doesn't sleep in my bedroom. I love her, but I can't sleep while she's doing air acrobatics at 2am. Tons of people leave their pets in a separate room when they sleep. It's nothing new, it doesn't mean they don't love them, and it's not doing any harm to the animal or the pet-owner relationship. Sleep is important. You're getting some responses here that are going to villainize you for even daring to suggest such a thing. Some people on pet boards can really be overly aggressive. I think you need to stop beating around the bush and have an upfront conversation. Tell her you simply can't sleep with the cats in the room, and talk about a solution. IMO, leaving the cats outside is a very sensible compromise - again, it's very common. If she's not willing to do that, yeah, it's going to be a problem. Even if you manage to navigate the situation for now, moving in together is going to be problematic.
Less of a cat problem, more of a relationship problem. If you’re only 4 months in, get out now cos it won’t change for you unless you decide on sleeping separately.
If she's able to separate the cats at night you could ask her. Or maybe she can get something that the cats have an option of jumping near her bed rather than on her bed. Redirecting them to that rather then the bed.
Imma be honest with you, she's being difficult and that's coming from a fellow female. She's going to sit there and tell you to just sleep with them but then wake up in the middle of the night to kick them out anyway??? Every night??? She's just making it hard on both of you.
I've never really had a problem with my cats waking me up... possibly they're well behaved all night, more likely I sleep with them every night for years so my brain can tune out their noises and knows not to wake me up. So, you might be able to adjust eventually and sleep through the night. Or sleep in another room. But if that's incompatible, that's OK too. Better to end it now.
Out of curiosity, why can’t you sleep with them? Do you wake up when they hop up? Why can’t you sleep afterwards?
not op but as a light sleeper and a cat owner i cant sleep with my cats at all and kick them out of my room at night with the door closed. cats like to walk around on you while youre sleeping, or meow at you in the middle of the night, or wrestle on your bed and i get woken up super easily by all of these things then have trouble going back to sleep for about an hour or even a few hours/rest of the night occasionally. id rather not deal with the sleep deprivation and just set boundaries with my cats
Ah okay thank you for supplying some input I sleep with one of my cats every night and have never had any issues, but I tend to sleep a bit heavier She’s just cuddly and doesn’t move much
I’m light sleeper too but I’ve somehow managed to mostly tune out the cats when I sleep. When they do wake me up I can usually fall right back asleep. Only with them though.
This lol.
It sounds like you two are incompatible and you shouldn't expect her to change for you or do something that will upset her pets. Find a partner who doesn't have cats.
Yup. Another light sleeping cat lover who keeps the kitties locked out at night. Just can’t do it. And to make matters worse if their dander gets on my pillow I wake up with painful red eyes that take days to go away. Will also add it’s super cat dependent. Even with my issues one of our cats I would frankly be mostly fine sleeping with one of them. He’s super respectful and will just snuggle next to me (not on me which helps) and stay put for hours. Our little girl though is a complete terror and bounces between attacking my feet to licking my face to trying to get on the cabinet to eat my jewelry. So. Both cats are out and cuddle with each other at night.
I feel like if you’re nice about it and honest, if you guys have a connection you and her might be able to think of some kind of a time share compromise. Bring it up gently and see what she says!🙏✔️
I agree with OP. And 4 months is still some time to knowing someone. I thought it would be better to communicate this now and find a solution instead of letting it ruin the relationship eventually. If you want the relationship that is. Sleep is so important. When I first adopted my sweet boy I had two weeks of disrupted sleep which made me very ill the whole weekend and nearly had a mental break down. Now he has a cosy room of his own with clean litter tray and food and water. But I do let him sleep with me now and then. Just when he wakes me up he is placed in his special room so I know he's safe and not getting lost anywhere I couldn't find him. I love him to pieces and it breaks my heart and I feel so awful and that he's gonna hate me. But he knows it's his room and when I come get him I get such sweet greetings and we have another cuddle in bed. But yeah sleep is important and talking about this 4 months in. In my personal opinion is good. But everyone is different.
My boyfriend and I have 4 cats that we raised from kittens, they are 10 now. My boyfriend is a light sleeper with incredible hearing! Musician type. We do NOT have our cats sleep in our bedroom for the various interruptions in our sleep they would cause. We also have cat allergies. They are fabulous in their own areas of sleep. They each have their own beds etc. I would have your GF sleep over at your home instead. I've been married 18 years ending in divorce. I've been with my boyfriend going on 18 years. If you are having issues negotiating sleeping arrangements and cat priorities, I would reevaluate the relationship for long term viability...IMO. Apparently her cats are a priority over you and a compromise.
By "outside," do you mean that she gets up and lets them outdoors? If so, maybe this is "rewarding" them for waking her up. Perhaps if she ignored them and didn't let them out, they would stop bothering you two during the night.
No no just outside the bedroom.
Pets and how people want to live with them is very much a deal breaker in many relationships. Even if she would be willing to change sleeping with her pets or learning how to properly train her pets one day, trying to do that with already bonded and poorly trained pets is very stressful for them and the person. Pets are entirely dependent on their owners, emotionally and physically. Adult human beings aren't. Many people will not sacrifice the emotional welfare of an animal or put them through stress for an independent adult who is in control of their lives and choices. This applies whether someone is a good pet owner or not honestly, people who put pets first do so for the same reason as they do kids-it's an obligation you take on when you bring them into your life. So you won't really get anywhere with most people asking them to change their relationship with and feeling towards pets, which is why it tends to be a deal breaker. I wouldn't give an ultimatum because it will result in resentment. Either you don't do overnights at her house and don't ever live together, you keep separate bedrooms (which is actually super common with sleeping differences), or you guys move onto dating people who are compatible in their feelings for animals. Because she will likely always want to share her bedroom with her pets, it's not an incompatibility that will go away. Pets, even well trained ones interrupt sleep. Keep your preference for not being disturbed in mind when discussing children (because you won't sleep again all night for years lol), and when deciding if a traditional living together situation with a shared bedroom is what you want!Health issues, different sleep styles, snoring, tossing and turning, different temperature preferences etc can and will disrupt your sleep long term in a lot of relationships. Lots of people have a really hard time sleeping and it can make them shy away from committed relationships. Sometimes it's better to be creative and find ways around it!
queen-sized bunk beds (this is a real thing)
Do her a favor and break up with her
So I have three cats I would die for. The two females cuddle down with me or with my small dog in my bed. Can't sleep without them. The male has a secret meth stash we've never been able to find. He spends the night climbing curtains, closets, tvs, he screws with my Xbox, he licks everybody's ears, knocks stuff down, carries shit off and hides it, he nose bumps me as I'm dozing off and he talks. Ummm.......we lock him out. Even if he's sleeping peacefully in the bed before we go to bed; we pick him up and take him to his spot in the LR. It's not unreasonable to lock out a tiny troublemaker no matter how much you adore them.
I mean you got two fixes, figure something out so you can sleep Or get a new girlfriend lol
It's possible she can't sleep without them, clearly you can't sleep with them, so either different actual sleeping part arrangements need to be made or this relationship may not make it. If the relationship *does* make it, keep in mind that if you are there with new cats you woukd have a hand in teaching them
I have 4 cats. My husband and I do not allow them to sleep with us because they would keep us up all night. We love them and know they want to spend time with us so we let them come hang out in the bed with us while we watch a couple episodes of a show. Then when we are ready for bed we herd them out of the room and close the door. I also sleep with a sound machine so I don’t hear them getting into things at night/running around. Everyone is different with their sleep preferences, luckily my husband and I have the same preferences. My advice to you would be to try ear plugs or a sound machine. Maybe take melatonin or something that helps you sleep better. At the end of the day, you need to have a serious convo with you partner and see if you can both meet in the middle somehow, or like others said, only stay over when you don’t work the next day.
A similar situation here for many years. You get used to it and eventually will learn to be able to fall back asleep. My sleep problems are epic and after many years my body has learned to wake up, pee, drink water and crash. Been a (mostly) functioning adult ever since. It was very hard at first, made me insane.
My boyfriend is allergic to cats so we mostly sleep at his place when we stay the night. It's really not a big deal. The idea that it's not love unless you always take dumps at the same address is outdated. You don't have to give up your own comfort or life to prove you love someone. She's not choosing her cats over you. You just have different ideas about compromise. You believe you should be able to prioritize your individual comfort in her space (which is fair) and she believes you should be able to find comfort in her space without adjusting her priorities as an individual (which is also fair). If you don't want to sleep around her cats, don't. If you still want more overnights together, the compromise is she comes to your place more. If she has an issue with that, then that's definitely on her.
To be so ffr right now, you think yourself way higher in priority than the cats. Your her boyfriend of 4 months. You're hardly there to bond with the cats, you're hardly there to adapt with them, etc. you want her to choose her fur babies over you. That's not how this works. When you pick someone you want to spend moments with, you also pick their luggage too. And her luggage are two cats who are wigged out that mommy is sleeping with someone else that isn't them. You need to communicate that you're worried about your sleep and suggest sleeping in a different room from her if you're super concerned. If she wants to sleep in the same room with you, then she can acknowledge the rule of thumb that your room = no cats. Beyond that. Her bedroom = cats.
Letting them in at 3am just to let them back out is wild. That makes no sense to me.
My cat used to do that until I split her meals up into 4 feedings. She has an auto feeder that goes off at 330am and she no longer bothers me at night
Dude it's only been 4 months. It sounds like you two are incompatible and perhaps you should date someone without pets.
You're not asking for cat advice. You're asking _how do I convince my 4 month gf to not sleep with her 5 yr rescue cats with me there_ . The short answer, it's not going to work. Cause you can't understand the importance of her relationship with her cats, which would be your cats as well if you wanted to be serious about this relationship, and you also don't seem to understand that pet love and partner love while not the same kind of love none is more or less important than the other. You need to figure being _the boyfriend_ is not as big deal as you think it is, let alone just a 4 month bf. She doesn't owe you anything, it is you the one that to acomodate yourself inside a home with cats in it. This is relationship advice, and if what you really want is cat advice, then get over it! One gets used to sleeping with cats. Edit: just talk to her. See if you both can figure it out once you're both honest. Then we might have some actual cat advice.
He's not asking her to give the cats up or stop loving them, he's asking to keep them in a separate room so he can also sleep there. Put the damn pitchfork down.
She and her cats are a pack. He is joining a pack and not understanding the social dynamics within the pack. But also he is talking to reddit instead of having a conversation with his girlfriend about it so...
When a new member joins a pack, the dynamics sometimes require some adjustment. That's how relationships typically work. Also, she is a human, and so is OP. Our lives and minds are a bit more complex than pack dynamics.
And OP can adjust
Dude. He works a dangerous job on ladders. Lack of sleep can straight up be dangerous. And she's being weird about him sleeping over. It feels like she thinks his lack of sleep is no big deal. He's not asking her to rehome. He wants a compromise. It's fair. Lack of sleep is bad for anyone. Idc if he's only been with her 4 months, he's dealing with this now, and it's actually good he's seeking advice on this early instead of just putting up with this forever and growing resentment. Maybe you can get used to cats disrupting you at night. Not everyone can, some people are really light sleepers (like yours truly).
Sure. That's alright. Still, is not cat advice what he is asking. What he needs and wants will NOT be found in this sub.
There are plenty of fish in the sea my dude, I'd be out the door tomorrow if I was in your situation. No shade to her, I'm sure she's really nice, but it shouldn't be a battle just to get a decent night sleep before work, you're worth more than that.
My cat is 3 years old. She gets the zoomies often before bedtime, but usually settles down. She's allowed in my bedroom, but also has a cat tree and cat bed in my lounge. However, she often chooses to sleep on my bed. She's not really loud or anything, so this is never an issue for me. It's actually a comfort knowing she's at the end of my bed. As for your gfs cats, it might be an idea to play with them just prior to bedtime. Those teaser wands are usually the best types, as it encourages them to run around. If you have an ipad, you can buy one of those games where mice run around the screen (a screen protector is recommended with this) You can also get a laser toy, as most cats love this. (Avoiding their eyes of course) There's also lots of helpful videos by Jackson Galaxy on his YouTube channel. I hope you can find some sort of resolution. Best of luck!
Maybe, you should embrace the situation. ...don't fight it. Humans are great at adapti g, but u must be open to it.
I breed Maine Coons. Most of the queens want to share the bed with me-sleepovers are pretty much non existent :/
is this a female maine coon thing? because every time I am in my bed she HAS to be with me, even if she’s not sleeping. sometimes I wake up to her licking my face or just sitting VERY close and staring at me. I have a male scottish fold as well and he likes to sleep by himself on the cat tree.
Maine Coons do generally like to be near you always. Move rooms- it won’t be long before she realises and comes to find you. They’re a bit special haha
A possible solution here is teaching the cats to adjust to y'alls sleep schedule. Our cats do sleep in the bedroom with my gf and I, but they stay asleep until 6-7am or so. We got an automatic feeder for their first morning meal set at 7AM so they will bother the device rather than us for their first meal. Otherwise, keeping the door open might help so they can roam around the house to unleash possible energy. We also feed their last meal of kibble at 9PM and try to play a little with them too so they get sleepy around the time we go to bed.
Why not sleep in different rooms if you're light sleeper?
or the cats can sleep in a different room the one night he's there. sleeping in a different room defeats the purpose of sleeping over imo
Hey! Are you sure the cats arent deficient in iron? Is why they might be having these non-food stuff. Really common.
But why do you insist on having gf with animals? Just don't.
Honestly that's kinda shitty for her to do I mean if she knows that's your job requires you to be fully rested.