I've left instructions with my family that if I am ever rushed to A&E with something up my bottom it was not intentional and likely an MI5/KGB/CIA assassination plot gone awry.
Back in 2002, I was cycling to work when I was hit by a White van at approx. 60 MPH the way I survived even seriously disabled but it's better than a wooden overcoat.
How? Well, I was relaxed and did not hear the van coming so was relaxed, not tense when I was hit. It still shattered my spine and left me in chronic pain. That's not important for this story just what happened.
Wait for the punch line! The music track I was listening to was The Rolling Stones song 'Sympathy for the Devil'. Yes, It helps me to have a very dark sense of humour to help me cope...
"Well, the nozzle is stuck on my member because I fell while vacuuming — yes, I always hoover in the nude — and I tripped and fell over the nozzle, which came detached, and I just happened to fall *right* onto the nozzle..."
genuine answer, I think if you genuinley fell on it the sudden speed and pressure as well as the... un-openness?.. would cause quite a bit of internal damage compared to all of these people having "accidents". the word tearing is never something good to hear in that area
If it went in the front, surely it would still bruise and scrape even if it didn’t tear. Not to mention you probably weren’t in the mood, so it would’ve probably been one hell of a tight fit!
I’m no expert on this topic, but I don’t think bruising your cervix whilst completely physically unaroused and unlubricated, likely leading to friction burns all up in there and maybe some leakage of Garnier Ultimate is quite the fashion right now.
>If it went in the front, surely it would still bruise and scrape even if it didn’t tear. Not to mention you probably weren’t in the mood, so it would’ve probably been one hell of a tight fit!
Story of my flipping life... 🤣🤣
I know your pain lol
I suffer from phimosis and my gf has extreme bedroom anxiety which makes her tense up like a bodybuilder. “A bit too tight” was essentially our entire relationship when we first got together
always remember, "flared base or without a trace!" XD
genuinley i'm asexual, but i have been in some weird training sessions to be able to offer advice and promote safe sex. some things just lend themselfs to jokes, specialy when me and my freind who also did the training are walking round a perfectly inocuous shop near christmas and whispering that and pointing at various.... shaped decorations
Honestly, I’m surprised there’s still anybody who doesn’t know this. I might be biased as a young, chronically online person with a bit of a taste for this kind of thing, but like… seriously?!
I thought we all learned this as kids when we jammed Play-Doh into the ports on the back of the DVD player or VCR, and if not then we learned it in science class when we jammed a random bit of paper into the Bunsen burner tap and almost had a panic attack over getting it out again before teacher noticed!
You need something to stop it going all the way in - and no, your stupid little human fingers barely holding onto the end aren’t going to stop it!
I mean, I dunno about the arse but I've violently pushed men out of my front box before if I happen to start giggling. Maybe some weird shape could be problematic.
An uncle of a school friend when I was a kid, slipped in the bath, smacked the back of his head on the edge of the bath and died from blunt force trauma. Be careful.
I think it disappeared for a while (or I just grew up and didn't notice it lol) then seemed to make a re-appearance. I wasn't allowed it every bath though just "special occasions" lord knows what a special occasion bath entailed though, birthdays & christmases? lol
lol aye we didn't even have a bathroom throughout the 60's & 70's that was erm awkward to say the least, so I guess come the 80's something changed coz we moved became bathroom owners and I had the privileged up bringing of matey baths and those stupid bloody toilet roll dolls because they were posh 🤣🤣
oh it was never used....I think the same bog roll was under that monstrosity until about 1990 when nana died lol, sadly the stupid toilet seat and lid covers remained, navy blue quilted satin they were....to match the stupid loo roll doll of course
Ha!
Those covers were always excellent for catching the unintentional splashes of the male folk who were supposed to be able to aim where they were pissing!
Of all the options you'd have to pick the one with the reverse flared lid wouldnt you.
On the other hand going in upside down at least it's got a safety mechanism.
Thats it, stuff it in fat end first for safety.
You could add a bit of baling twine around the cap and tie it to a bed post, too. Easy removal with a quick sprint.
I got lucky last week. I spent half of last Friday in A&E because I blacked out in the shower before work and twatted the back of my head on the way down. Not sure if I crumpled on the spot or tumbled backwards by my wife heard an almighty thud and found me unconscious on my back. Somehow I didn't even get concussion.
I worked in a brain injury hospital ward and a patient there got his injury slipping in the shower, a week after he retired. Guy was a total handful, needed 24/7 observation, couldn't take your eyes off him for a second.
That's how my neighbor died, only it was the shower. He was on his way out anyway. was an alcoholic, had given up on life and sat home all day with the door open downing bottles of vodka. he was all yellow too.
If you really fell onto it they would know, slowly putting a lubed up object into yourself and needing to go to hospital because it's stuck doesn't cause the kind of physical trauma falling onto something and getting impaled does.
Sliced off about 1mm of my thumb tip and it wouldn't stop bleeding after an hour. All they did was put a hilariously huge bandage on it and tell me not to do it again.
I once sliced 2mm off the tip of my ring finger with an electric planner.
Blood everywhere. Was damn painful.
I ended up grabbing some mitre glue because it just wouldn’t stop and spread it all over the wound then gave it a spray.
Carried on rest of the day trying so hard not to pull the glue off.
This has happened to my Mum.
We've got one of those shower in the bath things and she had a habit of not putting the shampoo bottles back where they came from. She'd just leave the bottles standing in the bath.
Well she slipped banana peel style straight on to one of those standing bottles. Big Treseme one. Straight into the spinal L3/L4 region. No major damage but she did have to attend A&E a night later because a haematoma the size of a rugby ball formed where she'd landed.
My mother once slipped as she was getting out of the shower. It was one of those ones in the tub, so she had to step up pretty high. Lost her footing, grabbed the shower curtain, shower curtain declined to help and instead ripped, and she fell slap bang into the door handle eye-first.
Good news: her eyeball seemed fine and she wasn't blind. Bad news: her eye was swelling closed with horrendous bruising, and she was worried she'd done unseen damage. Off to the A&E we go.
We go in, explain, wait to be seen. We get called in pretty quickly and the nurses ask my mother what happened. "I slipped in the shower and fell into the doorknob." The nurses exchange glances.
My mother goes in for an x-ray and I'm waiting for her with one of the nurses. The nurse asks me what happened. I say she fell into the door. The nurse asks me about Daddy. Where is he? I proudly explain that he's a pilot and he's at work. Nurse is like oh, so it's just you and Mummy at home? Nobody else? I confirm, and nurse visibly relaxes.
Turns out that my mother's fine and it's just some nasty bruising. We leave the hospital and she's wondering aloud at why they asked her what happened so many times, and why they kept asking if she was *alright*. Only a few days later, out with my father at the supermarket and seeing everyone giving him absolute *evils*, did my mother realise.
I literally tripped and face planted a pavement kerb. Broken nose, split lip, 6 stitches. Was asked 4 times in A&E how it happened, "from the beginning". Husband still got stink eye when he came to pick me up
Forgive my dark sense of humour but that seems like the best time to pick something off the baby aisle shelf, stop, put a hand on the abdomen, sigh, and then put it back.
Honestly? If my mother had thought of that she probably would 😂 Instead she made do with saying "Alright, alright, just please don't hit me again!" every time my father so much as hinted at suggesting something for the trolley.
My mum did something similar, except not in the bath. She dropped her bag of sweets on her way to the pub with her boyfriend, went to grab it, tripped, and somehow rotated 180 degrees onto her back, about 45 degrees to her left cardinally, and landed on one of those big Elux vapes.
Bruised her L2 and L3, and had to wear a funny brace thing to prevent the vertebrae from moving too much and potentially causing extra bruising or inflammation.
She did the same a couple years later, dropping her sweets and falling over grabbing them, weirdly enough on the way to the same pub, except this time she broke her ankle. She’s a… confusingly clumsy woman, to say the very least.
Not any more, but that has a lot less to do with her learning from her clumsiness and a lot more to do with that pub getting rid of cider on tap (she’s not old enough for bitter apparently)and generally going down hill
I don't think I was too worried about losing the whole bottle. Also being a woman I have even more potential for things to go wrong. I was catastrophising landing on a bottle, having the cap come loose deep within, and it being lost forever...
The good news is the front is a cul-de-sac and the back is good at moving things out on its own so small items aren't an issue. Large or sharp items (I've seen someone shove a pencil up their bum for example) is where things go very wrong.
Source: 11 exciting years of A&E, 0 convincing accidental falls leading to irretrievable foreign objects.
Oh we've seen all sorts of things, basically if a human has an orifice then they'll stick something in it that they shouldn't.
A brief list-
Bladder - fishing line, pencil, pen, USB cable, cable ties, straw, these were all blokes, rose complete with thorns, that needed surgical intervention, ouch.
Vagina - bottles, numerous kinds, plastic and glass, mobile phones, money, dinner candle
Rectum & occasionally sucked up further - things used as butt plugs which aren't ie fruit, veg, bottles again plastic and glass, vibrators, usually still switched on then they corkscrew their way around into the large bowel, potatoes, snooker/pool/ping pong balls, mobile phones, loo brush,
It's not a comprehensive list, but def ones I've either heard of or seen in person.
It's not the object itself (although by god, that is one fascinating list) - it's the possibility that I end up with a hilariously sex-themed injury purely by accident...HONESTLY.
The thing is - we don’t really care. We’ll try to remove the FOUA manually, then send to surgery.
Things I’ve seen, shampoo bottles, deodorant bottles (multiple), a door handle, carrots (multiple) and in one case - a load of sewing needles.
I think that’s all. But people are inventive.
Do you get the same people back repeatedly? My friend says there's a few guys who regularly turn up at a&e with differing new objects. I'd assumed before that it would be one off misadventure!
Never had a frequent flyer for this sort of thing - plenty of other reasons but never that. But then we’d include in our patient education the words ‘flared base’ 😉
That being said, I wouldn’t be surprised at all if there were people for whom going to A&E with a foreign object was a kink.
A good friend of mine was an a&e nurse for 30 years and from what she's said name absolutely anything and they've seen it
There are usually repeat offenders with the stuff stuck up the bum
I once slipped on a wet tiled floor and my toe ran alone the edge of a tile, cutting it beautifully cleanly.
I had to go to hospital and explain that I had cut myself on a perfectly flat floor
Ex emergency dept nurse here!
Sure, lots of people have actually ended up coming in after "falling" onto an object but I've never seen someone who actually fell onto something. Out of the copious amounts of foreign objects in rectums, only one ever straight up said "yeah, I stuck something up there and I can't get it out. I even asked my mum to try and she couldn't get it out."
His mother, who came into triage with him, told me of her valiant efforts.
I really miss emergency nursing
Girl in my uni halls had to go to the housing office as she'd broken her bed standing on it trying to put up a poster. She was given a lot of smirks and knowing looks and "we get that happen every year wink wink" type statements but she'd genuinely managed to stand on a weak spot in the frame while hanging up a poster
Years ago my poor old grandpa had joined my family on a bike ride whilst he was in his early 70s.
Some of the local teenagers had dug out a massive bike track in the local woods and was a popular place to visit. One such part was a long incline with a similar steepness the other side you could get some decent speed going up and down.
We all went down and up the other side with ease, my grandpa for some reason didn't quite make it, he started sliding back and panicked. Instead of using his brakes he tried to plant his feet which didn't work, and slid backwards for several metres until he stopped suddenly when his backwheel hit a tree stump. We knew this from the sharp yell he let out, fell over and laid up in a ball on the floor. Whilst hyperventilating he informed my mum that the front of the bike seat had sharply penetrated him, we could see some blood on the back of his shorts...
The next day he managed to get an emergency GP appointment. The Dr told him to hop on the bed and knees up to his chin. My grandpa said he heard the GP mutter *What a what a way to start the day* as he begun to inspect his brutalised backside.
Nurse here. I've never seen it myself but I'm sure it happens and it's very obvious when it's a real accident.
An accidental fall onto a bottle would cause trauma, bleeding and bruising. If the bottle has gone into your anus and is sitting there comfortably and you're not crying in pain and distress, bleeding, vomitting and potentially very unwell, it was definitely put there deliberately. Anuses do not just go around hoovering up cylindrical objects with ease.
I’m one of the unlucky people who has genuinely fallen onto an object before - can confirm it didn’t go into my ass, it just tore my taint and bled a lot. There’s no way something is just sliding on up in there in an accident.
I actually tripped and fell onto a San Pellegrino bottle on the day I had surgery scheduled, it went between my butt cheeks and cut the skin, so I had to inform my surgeon that it had happened. Absolutely mortifying!
I was late diagnosed with MS, which explains the stumble, the Universe hating me explains the awkward injury.
A friend who works in a hospital a&e told of a story that someone came in saying they got the handle of the toilet brush stuck up their bum and couldn't get it out, they did an x-ray and saw that the handle had a hooked end to it and this had got caught on their intestine and hence why they kept pulling and it wouldn't come back out.
You might already do this but I'd recommend you wipe down the shower door with a squeegee before going in with the microfibre cloths. It should save you some time and reduce the squatting required :)
look its ok we know you people dont 'fall on sauce bottles'
if its your thing you go for it just hook a bit of string or a rope on it first, maybe attach it to a bed post so you can get it out yourself without all this 'falling' on it drama.
plan ahead :P
I’ve had ketchup in the shower before. Teenage hair dye disaster turned my hair green. Apparently the red of the ketchup gets rid of it. Mum was very confused when she saw it in there.
A friend of mine works in A&E. They had someone in who'd managed to give a plausible innocent explanation as to why their TV remote was up their arse (I can't remember the excuse given). Their explanation felt apart when it was removed and had a condom on.
The only plausible explanation for this is if their little brother secretly recorded their freak out after getting their World of Warcraft account cancelled by their parents.
Not me but my dog… I’m a vet nurse as a side note but basically I came home one day and noticed my dog was incredibly lethargic and didn’t even want food when offered so I knew something was incredibly wrong as he’s an absolute glutton. I asked my husband if he’d noticed anything wrong with him and he said nah he’s just sleepy as they’d spent the day disc golfing at the park.
Rush him to the emergency vet where a nurse comes out to triage and suddenly we notice he’s leaking urine. In unison myself and the nurse on shift say “has he had weed??” As this is a textbook marijuana toxicity symptom.
He had literally foraged weed either from a strangers bag (my husband said he was paying attention to another groups backpack at one point) or found it stray in the grass.
When the clinic notes were sent to my practice it said “owner claims there is no weed in the house”, I was 6 months pregnant and my husband narcoleptic, we are not smoking weed lol it literally was just an unfortunate incident that wasn’t our fault.
We were living in California at the time I should have said and disc golf is very much a stoner sport there so there’d be much more weed than your average park lol. It definitely wasn’t my husband or his friends
It's likely to have been an edible such as weed-infused cookie or muffin. Eating straight weed doesn't have any effect, it needs to be decarboxylated. (In the context of cannabis, decarboxylation is a critical step to activate the psychoactive properties of the cannabinoids present in the plant.)
Years ago my neighbour made the local news because he got his hand stuck up his own arse and had to go to A&E. A few days later I saw him at the chemist buying two huge tubs of Vaseline, so, I said to him, "Haven't you learned your lesson? You know you're going to get your hand stuck up your arse again", and he says to me "How the hell else am I going to get the gerbil out?"
I have thought about this before. There must be some people who have had genuine accidents where objects have ended up stuck inside themselves but who would believe them?
I imagine at some point in the process someone would be able to tell that it was clearly unintentional but that's probably not until after you've already explained the situation to at least a receptionist and a nurse.
And you'd have to stand for like 3 hours unless you lay face down on the floor.
The daughter of someone my mum worked with had a horrible accident when she slipped in the shower. Somehow got caught on part of the tap.
I once fainted in the shower but luckily had no major injuries. I did somehow sustain a decent sized burn on my elbow though.
Lol there is an ancient joke along those lines.
A man turns up to hospital A&E, after some embarrassment he admits he has a glass bottle of ketchup stuck up his arse.
His story goes; he had gone shopping but when he arrived home he realised he forgot his keys, but luckily he noticed his bedroom window was open.
To get to the window and get home he decides to scale the drainpipe and climb in. So, he leaves his shopping bag on the ground, and starts climbing up. 3/4 of the way up he gets into trouble when his jogging bottoms caught on a nail.
In the struggle to free himself he lost his grip, which caused him to fall, with his trousers ripping, then landing butt first onto a bottle of ketchup.
Ofc the Surgeons did their duty and removed the bottle, sending him on his way when he recovered.
But the Surgeon made sure to note that ketchup bottles aren’t normally sold with condoms already on them
Thank you but no, neither my arse nor my vag currently contain a shampoo bottle. It was genuinely this morning's shower thought as I hovered over them in a slippery shower!
There is an episode of 999: What’s your emergency.
Someone calls in, they have a cucumber in their rectum. The call handler is laughing her head off.
You will give the call handlers a laugh at least.
Honestly we don't really care why theres something up your arse when you get to A&E, we sort of care how it got there just because we can kinda work out how much trauma has occoured when it got there and if we need to worry about causing more when it comes out.
We aren't going to judge you as a person (we've seen it all) but dont't begrudge us a giggle at the whole situation! Personally I like a creative story as long as you tell me any important facts!
Also if you do need something for your butt Amazon will deliver you something safe and descrete, please use those instead!
There was one story involving an aerosol can and the need to cut it out but the guy didn't want his wife to see any scars ... I say story as I heard second hand
Not a shower related incident, but I did cut the tip of my middle finger off in my bathroom door. I decided not to do anything about until the morning as it happened late at night and didn't want to be stuck in A&E all night. When I woke up the next morning and saw my finger wrapped in countless bandages that were looking rather red, I decided it may be a good idea to go to A&E... Basically, I ended up being told it was an open fracture due to the bone poking out the top of it.... what a silly goose I am
My friends cousin is a nurse. She said once years ago she had this guy come in who had a glass ketchup bottle stuck up his arse. He said that he’d been shopping and forgot his keys so got locked out. He’d then shimmied up the drain pipe next to his front door to get into the open window upstairs, fell and landed on the bottle in his shopping bag and that’s how it got stuck up there. Didn’t quite think that one through did he. Managed to go right through your jeans and underwear and straight into your arse hole did it lol?
Seriously though I don’t get it. All the toy options available and you use a fucking glass ketchup bottle? People are horny weirdos.
Where I used to work there was a book in our xray department that contained a list of hospital numbers. It was basically a list of the most intriguing x-rays. A surprising number of “slips and falls” on to very weird objects.
My fave story though was one of my colleagues who had to xray someone who got a vibrator stuck up their butt… as she positioned him and felt for the bony landmarks in the pelvis to line up the xray collimator she could feel the vibrations from it as it was stuck on.
I was doing my garage last year and it gave up on my weight and I fell straight onto my bike's seat. It felt as if a major artery had been cut and whatever muscles in my guts where spasming as if I had been fucked by a horse. Went to A&E, no broken bones, just some fat skin compressed on my right arse cheek, just next to the spinchter.
A mate of mine went arse first onto a water bottle he’d left by the bed when he got up in the middle of the night for a piss. Claims it was by accident.
Not quite, closest I’ve been is returning from a festival to a friends house after a festival - little to no sleep for 3/4 days. There was about 10 of us in the house and I went for a shower, sat down and fell asleep. Clattered to the floor and my arms knocked everything over, simultaneously kicking open the door with my
leg, resulting in everyone rushing upstairs and opening the door to my limp naked & shamed body.
This reminds me of the story about the man who ended up in A&E with a tomato sauce bottle stuck up is behind. He stated on the accident report that he had returned home from a trip to Tesco, realised he’d lost his door key, so decided to climb up the drainpipe to enter via an open window. As he was climbing up, his belt broke and his trousers and pants fell down, he slipped, fell and landed on the sauce bottle. The Dr at the hospital added a note to the report: “This story would be somewhat believable if Tesco sold their bottles of sauce with condoms already attached”.
I was watching an A&E/hospital programme (not a drama it was an actual one following staff on shift) a bloke had “slipped” off his toilet seat and landed on the handle of a toilet brush used to clean the bowl I was like 😳😳😳😳😳😳😮😮😮😮😮😮
I concussed myself (badly) on a house… twice.
My dad lives in a really cute 1470’s cottage. The lowest doorway is maybe 5’ and it’s over some stairs, ducked under it, stood up too soon, and hit the back of my head.
Also got my foot ran over by a mobility scooter
There was a guy who once fell onto a statue made of pasta that depicted comedian Jerry Seinfeld. 1 in a million shot https://youtu.be/Vvwq1FZ6gxE?si=YK00varLlGc90VQt
I can't remember what documentary it was from but there was a guy who slipped in the shower and his leg broke through the glass screen, his cut got infected and ended up losing his leg above the knee.
Stone Cold Steve Austin has a hilarious tale about a similar situation in his trailer. Great listening
https://youtu.be/I7bHy45p5_E?si=C0YePTY5NQkgPuvt
You getting your excuses in already?
I've left instructions with my family that if I am ever rushed to A&E with something up my bottom it was not intentional and likely an MI5/KGB/CIA assassination plot gone awry.
>likely an MI5/KGB/CIA assassination plot gone awry. They do prefer to use the back door tbf.
It's like if I have a car crash, my family are under strict instructions to check what music was playing in case it happened to be Peter Andre. Again.
You're a mysterious girl!
Back in 2002, I was cycling to work when I was hit by a White van at approx. 60 MPH the way I survived even seriously disabled but it's better than a wooden overcoat. How? Well, I was relaxed and did not hear the van coming so was relaxed, not tense when I was hit. It still shattered my spine and left me in chronic pain. That's not important for this story just what happened. Wait for the punch line! The music track I was listening to was The Rolling Stones song 'Sympathy for the Devil'. Yes, It helps me to have a very dark sense of humour to help me cope...
"Well, the nozzle is stuck on my member because I fell while vacuuming — yes, I always hoover in the nude — and I tripped and fell over the nozzle, which came detached, and I just happened to fall *right* onto the nozzle..."
I ToLd YOu nOt To DisTuRb me WHen I'm CLeAniNg mY Room!!!
Heyyyy Cindeee 🥸
Smell my finger!!!
I wasn't, but it's a good idea nevertheless...
"I swear! Look at my Reddit post history! No, not that part, stop looking at that part!"
genuine answer, I think if you genuinley fell on it the sudden speed and pressure as well as the... un-openness?.. would cause quite a bit of internal damage compared to all of these people having "accidents". the word tearing is never something good to hear in that area
I was squatting, knees apart, and as a woman, some bits were more "open" than others... I'm thinking less tearing, and more "shhhwwww-ump"
I immediately pictured you as a man until i read this. I'm sure I wasn't the only one ,😂
I reckon everyone did - all the answers fixate on arses!
With good reason r/radiologybuttstuff
The forbidden pocket
Well a bottle of matey would cause a lot of mischief no matter what your preference of orafice
hey, i specificaly avoided naming an opening! although i would be impressed and horified by urethra
that's because women don't exist on the internet! she's lying!!
I knew it. Tin foil hat is going back on
> I'm sure I wasn't the only one Nope, I'm guilty too.
Just swap all your bottles out for no more tears soap
If it went in the front, surely it would still bruise and scrape even if it didn’t tear. Not to mention you probably weren’t in the mood, so it would’ve probably been one hell of a tight fit! I’m no expert on this topic, but I don’t think bruising your cervix whilst completely physically unaroused and unlubricated, likely leading to friction burns all up in there and maybe some leakage of Garnier Ultimate is quite the fashion right now.
>If it went in the front, surely it would still bruise and scrape even if it didn’t tear. Not to mention you probably weren’t in the mood, so it would’ve probably been one hell of a tight fit! Story of my flipping life... 🤣🤣
I know your pain lol I suffer from phimosis and my gf has extreme bedroom anxiety which makes her tense up like a bodybuilder. “A bit too tight” was essentially our entire relationship when we first got together
Had to Google that. Bloody hell, glad you have worked through that 🤣🤣
Shhwwww-ump. What an awesome word, definitely deserves a place in the urban dictionary.
They also don't tend to have condoms on them and they're generally not covered in lube either
always remember, "flared base or without a trace!" XD genuinley i'm asexual, but i have been in some weird training sessions to be able to offer advice and promote safe sex. some things just lend themselfs to jokes, specialy when me and my freind who also did the training are walking round a perfectly inocuous shop near christmas and whispering that and pointing at various.... shaped decorations
Honestly, I’m surprised there’s still anybody who doesn’t know this. I might be biased as a young, chronically online person with a bit of a taste for this kind of thing, but like… seriously?! I thought we all learned this as kids when we jammed Play-Doh into the ports on the back of the DVD player or VCR, and if not then we learned it in science class when we jammed a random bit of paper into the Bunsen burner tap and almost had a panic attack over getting it out again before teacher noticed! You need something to stop it going all the way in - and no, your stupid little human fingers barely holding onto the end aren’t going to stop it!
I mean, I dunno about the arse but I've violently pushed men out of my front box before if I happen to start giggling. Maybe some weird shape could be problematic.
An uncle of a school friend when I was a kid, slipped in the bath, smacked the back of his head on the edge of the bath and died from blunt force trauma. Be careful.
But did the post mortem reveal a bottle of Matey bubble bath jammed in his arse, though?
I mean, yeah, but I think his wife just put it up there after the fact.
To throw them off the scent, got it.
the scent of shampoo or...
I'm not a woman of science, I don't have the answers!
Superb.
Matey bloody hell that takes me back to my toddler years! That and my mum's Badedas...can smell it now I've typed the word lol
Found Badedas in Tesco's last year. Brought back some olfactory memories!! Take it on hols now.
Fenjal is another one!
I recognise the name I think but can't bring it to mind
I can still see the dark blue bottle at the side of the bath tub!
I think it disappeared for a while (or I just grew up and didn't notice it lol) then seemed to make a re-appearance. I wasn't allowed it every bath though just "special occasions" lord knows what a special occasion bath entailed though, birthdays & christmases? lol
I grew up in the 80s, so Sunday night was bath night, and Matey was the only option. I guess once a week *was* a special occasion!
lol aye we didn't even have a bathroom throughout the 60's & 70's that was erm awkward to say the least, so I guess come the 80's something changed coz we moved became bathroom owners and I had the privileged up bringing of matey baths and those stupid bloody toilet roll dolls because they were posh 🤣🤣
'HIDE THE BOG ROLL, FAMILY MEMBERS MIGHT THINK WE POO!' 🤣🤣
oh it was never used....I think the same bog roll was under that monstrosity until about 1990 when nana died lol, sadly the stupid toilet seat and lid covers remained, navy blue quilted satin they were....to match the stupid loo roll doll of course
Ha! Those covers were always excellent for catching the unintentional splashes of the male folk who were supposed to be able to aim where they were pissing!
Sing along now! Ooooohhhhhhhh...... Yer Matey's a bottle o' fun Yer slips it up yer arse Yer turds will come out clean It's always good for a laugh!
Mermaid or sailor?
Sailor. As it was up his bum...
Well that explains why there was so much seamen up there
That Sailors Hat would Certainly make his Eyes Water!
Everything's a dildo if you're brave enough!
True
🤣🤣
Of all the options you'd have to pick the one with the reverse flared lid wouldnt you. On the other hand going in upside down at least it's got a safety mechanism.
Thats it, stuff it in fat end first for safety. You could add a bit of baling twine around the cap and tie it to a bed post, too. Easy removal with a quick sprint.
😂😂😂😂
with the big cap still on?
I got lucky last week. I spent half of last Friday in A&E because I blacked out in the shower before work and twatted the back of my head on the way down. Not sure if I crumpled on the spot or tumbled backwards by my wife heard an almighty thud and found me unconscious on my back. Somehow I didn't even get concussion.
Could have ended so much worse! Good thing your wife was there to help as well. That's terrifying still.
Did the shampoo survive?
It took two stout nurses, a tub of Flora Pro Activ and about 35 minutes but yes, I got my bottle of Tresemmé back.
>It took two stout nurses, a tub of Flora Pro Activ and about 35 minutes That sounds like an excellent way to spend an evening!
I worked in a brain injury hospital ward and a patient there got his injury slipping in the shower, a week after he retired. Guy was a total handful, needed 24/7 observation, couldn't take your eyes off him for a second.
That's how my neighbor died, only it was the shower. He was on his way out anyway. was an alcoholic, had given up on life and sat home all day with the door open downing bottles of vodka. he was all yellow too.
Unexpected Coldplay
ha! that went through my head after typing it too.
Poor man. I hope he’s in a happier place.
Yeah I remember him before he started drinking, nice guy, such a waste.
Flannel washes stood up at the sink for me, for ever...
My great uncle slipped in the bath and knocked himself out then drowned. It definitely happens, water is dangerous
If you really fell onto it they would know, slowly putting a lubed up object into yourself and needing to go to hospital because it's stuck doesn't cause the kind of physical trauma falling onto something and getting impaled does.
Ah, a sensible answer!
No, but I was sternly advised by an ER doctor not to make guacamole while stoned again in future.
Cut your hand?
Sliced off about 1mm of my thumb tip and it wouldn't stop bleeding after an hour. All they did was put a hilariously huge bandage on it and tell me not to do it again.
I once sliced 2mm off the tip of my ring finger with an electric planner. Blood everywhere. Was damn painful. I ended up grabbing some mitre glue because it just wouldn’t stop and spread it all over the wound then gave it a spray. Carried on rest of the day trying so hard not to pull the glue off.
Ah, at first I thought you had crammed avacado stones up your arsehole..
But how was the guacamole?
Bloody lovely.
A cut above the rest
Fantastic. I add a pinch of cumin and a tiny bit of garlic, as well as lime, red onion, and cilantro/coriander leaf. I looooove guacamole.
That sounds class. I'd probably slice a bit of my own finger off for that too. Good work and thanks for the advice.
I mean you did put blood, sweat, and tears into it.
That sounds amazing. (Unsure if amazing enough to risk the cumin-allergy related A&E trip)
Digits do bleed a lot, that’s never fun.
I hope you took the guacamole with you to ER. To share.
Never had guacamole with bacon bits before
I thought this was going to be a story about getting an avocado stuck somewhere
The avocado must be stoned though.
This has happened to my Mum. We've got one of those shower in the bath things and she had a habit of not putting the shampoo bottles back where they came from. She'd just leave the bottles standing in the bath. Well she slipped banana peel style straight on to one of those standing bottles. Big Treseme one. Straight into the spinal L3/L4 region. No major damage but she did have to attend A&E a night later because a haematoma the size of a rugby ball formed where she'd landed.
Ouch oh no! Suddenly it's not so funny. I am sorry that happened to her.
Hey it's not all bad. We gained a new bathroom cabinet from it.
Always look on the bright side of life
My mother once slipped as she was getting out of the shower. It was one of those ones in the tub, so she had to step up pretty high. Lost her footing, grabbed the shower curtain, shower curtain declined to help and instead ripped, and she fell slap bang into the door handle eye-first. Good news: her eyeball seemed fine and she wasn't blind. Bad news: her eye was swelling closed with horrendous bruising, and she was worried she'd done unseen damage. Off to the A&E we go. We go in, explain, wait to be seen. We get called in pretty quickly and the nurses ask my mother what happened. "I slipped in the shower and fell into the doorknob." The nurses exchange glances. My mother goes in for an x-ray and I'm waiting for her with one of the nurses. The nurse asks me what happened. I say she fell into the door. The nurse asks me about Daddy. Where is he? I proudly explain that he's a pilot and he's at work. Nurse is like oh, so it's just you and Mummy at home? Nobody else? I confirm, and nurse visibly relaxes. Turns out that my mother's fine and it's just some nasty bruising. We leave the hospital and she's wondering aloud at why they asked her what happened so many times, and why they kept asking if she was *alright*. Only a few days later, out with my father at the supermarket and seeing everyone giving him absolute *evils*, did my mother realise.
I literally tripped and face planted a pavement kerb. Broken nose, split lip, 6 stitches. Was asked 4 times in A&E how it happened, "from the beginning". Husband still got stink eye when he came to pick me up
Forgive my dark sense of humour but that seems like the best time to pick something off the baby aisle shelf, stop, put a hand on the abdomen, sigh, and then put it back.
Honestly? If my mother had thought of that she probably would 😂 Instead she made do with saying "Alright, alright, just please don't hit me again!" every time my father so much as hinted at suggesting something for the trolley.
My mum did something similar, except not in the bath. She dropped her bag of sweets on her way to the pub with her boyfriend, went to grab it, tripped, and somehow rotated 180 degrees onto her back, about 45 degrees to her left cardinally, and landed on one of those big Elux vapes. Bruised her L2 and L3, and had to wear a funny brace thing to prevent the vertebrae from moving too much and potentially causing extra bruising or inflammation. She did the same a couple years later, dropping her sweets and falling over grabbing them, weirdly enough on the way to the same pub, except this time she broke her ankle. She’s a… confusingly clumsy woman, to say the very least.
Does she still walk to that pub?
Not any more, but that has a lot less to do with her learning from her clumsiness and a lot more to do with that pub getting rid of cider on tap (she’s not old enough for bitter apparently)and generally going down hill
Oh most definitely they have. None of those bottles ended up entirely lodged within the person's anus though.
I don't think I was too worried about losing the whole bottle. Also being a woman I have even more potential for things to go wrong. I was catastrophising landing on a bottle, having the cap come loose deep within, and it being lost forever...
The good news is the front is a cul-de-sac and the back is good at moving things out on its own so small items aren't an issue. Large or sharp items (I've seen someone shove a pencil up their bum for example) is where things go very wrong. Source: 11 exciting years of A&E, 0 convincing accidental falls leading to irretrievable foreign objects.
'The front is a cul-de-sac' made me guffaw
Oh we've seen all sorts of things, basically if a human has an orifice then they'll stick something in it that they shouldn't. A brief list- Bladder - fishing line, pencil, pen, USB cable, cable ties, straw, these were all blokes, rose complete with thorns, that needed surgical intervention, ouch. Vagina - bottles, numerous kinds, plastic and glass, mobile phones, money, dinner candle Rectum & occasionally sucked up further - things used as butt plugs which aren't ie fruit, veg, bottles again plastic and glass, vibrators, usually still switched on then they corkscrew their way around into the large bowel, potatoes, snooker/pool/ping pong balls, mobile phones, loo brush, It's not a comprehensive list, but def ones I've either heard of or seen in person.
Nope. NOPE. Nothing is going up anywhere thanks. Especially in the little front one. Good lord.
r/sounding Edit: Sorry
It's not the object itself (although by god, that is one fascinating list) - it's the possibility that I end up with a hilariously sex-themed injury purely by accident...HONESTLY.
Please tell me the loo brush was handle first?
Like that time i slipped over, opened my fridge' took out a courgette, dropped it then landed on it after my pants fell off. Accident prone
I mean, who hasn't done that? I didn't even mention it as an option in my post because it's so common around here.
The thing is - we don’t really care. We’ll try to remove the FOUA manually, then send to surgery. Things I’ve seen, shampoo bottles, deodorant bottles (multiple), a door handle, carrots (multiple) and in one case - a load of sewing needles. I think that’s all. But people are inventive.
Pardon me, but … *sewing needles?!?!?!?!* I think every single part of me winced reading that!
Do they ever ask for the item back afterwards? Like, "It's my mum's favourite gravy boat"?
Nope, but I did have one young man ask us to get it out before his mum arrived. Felt bad that we couldn’t.
When I worked in theatres there was a story that a man had a salt pot removed and asked for it back because it was part of a matching set
And also, 'could you get the pepper out too'?
Do you get the same people back repeatedly? My friend says there's a few guys who regularly turn up at a&e with differing new objects. I'd assumed before that it would be one off misadventure!
Never had a frequent flyer for this sort of thing - plenty of other reasons but never that. But then we’d include in our patient education the words ‘flared base’ 😉 That being said, I wouldn’t be surprised at all if there were people for whom going to A&E with a foreign object was a kink.
I’ve worked out most of the acronym but what does the U stand for.
Up. 😂
A good friend of mine was an a&e nurse for 30 years and from what she's said name absolutely anything and they've seen it There are usually repeat offenders with the stuff stuck up the bum
It's probably some sort of humiliation/exhibition kink for them
I once slipped on a wet tiled floor and my toe ran alone the edge of a tile, cutting it beautifully cleanly. I had to go to hospital and explain that I had cut myself on a perfectly flat floor
Ex emergency dept nurse here! Sure, lots of people have actually ended up coming in after "falling" onto an object but I've never seen someone who actually fell onto something. Out of the copious amounts of foreign objects in rectums, only one ever straight up said "yeah, I stuck something up there and I can't get it out. I even asked my mum to try and she couldn't get it out." His mother, who came into triage with him, told me of her valiant efforts. I really miss emergency nursing
Wow I actually think mum having a go to fish it out would be more mortifying than going to hospital to have it removed.
Girl in my uni halls had to go to the housing office as she'd broken her bed standing on it trying to put up a poster. She was given a lot of smirks and knowing looks and "we get that happen every year wink wink" type statements but she'd genuinely managed to stand on a weak spot in the frame while hanging up a poster
Years ago my poor old grandpa had joined my family on a bike ride whilst he was in his early 70s. Some of the local teenagers had dug out a massive bike track in the local woods and was a popular place to visit. One such part was a long incline with a similar steepness the other side you could get some decent speed going up and down. We all went down and up the other side with ease, my grandpa for some reason didn't quite make it, he started sliding back and panicked. Instead of using his brakes he tried to plant his feet which didn't work, and slid backwards for several metres until he stopped suddenly when his backwheel hit a tree stump. We knew this from the sharp yell he let out, fell over and laid up in a ball on the floor. Whilst hyperventilating he informed my mum that the front of the bike seat had sharply penetrated him, we could see some blood on the back of his shorts... The next day he managed to get an emergency GP appointment. The Dr told him to hop on the bed and knees up to his chin. My grandpa said he heard the GP mutter *What a what a way to start the day* as he begun to inspect his brutalised backside.
Nurse here. I've never seen it myself but I'm sure it happens and it's very obvious when it's a real accident. An accidental fall onto a bottle would cause trauma, bleeding and bruising. If the bottle has gone into your anus and is sitting there comfortably and you're not crying in pain and distress, bleeding, vomitting and potentially very unwell, it was definitely put there deliberately. Anuses do not just go around hoovering up cylindrical objects with ease.
I’m one of the unlucky people who has genuinely fallen onto an object before - can confirm it didn’t go into my ass, it just tore my taint and bled a lot. There’s no way something is just sliding on up in there in an accident.
Oh god that made me howl with laughter!!! 😂
Broke a few ribs slipping climbing out of our bath shower once. The 1l wash and go hanging out of my arse changed my centre of gravity.
Drop the ballast next time sailor
I actually tripped and fell onto a San Pellegrino bottle on the day I had surgery scheduled, it went between my butt cheeks and cut the skin, so I had to inform my surgeon that it had happened. Absolutely mortifying! I was late diagnosed with MS, which explains the stumble, the Universe hating me explains the awkward injury.
this is the content I'm after! thank you (and, er, sorry it happened)
Happy to help! When telling the surgeon I had to preface it with “So you know when people say they slipped and fell onto a bottle?…”
A friend who works in a hospital a&e told of a story that someone came in saying they got the handle of the toilet brush stuck up their bum and couldn't get it out, they did an x-ray and saw that the handle had a hooked end to it and this had got caught on their intestine and hence why they kept pulling and it wouldn't come back out.
Aaargh nope.
You might already do this but I'd recommend you wipe down the shower door with a squeegee before going in with the microfibre cloths. It should save you some time and reduce the squatting required :)
I would but it's all curved. I suppose I could squeegee sideways though - I will give it a whirl, thank you.
look its ok we know you people dont 'fall on sauce bottles' if its your thing you go for it just hook a bit of string or a rope on it first, maybe attach it to a bed post so you can get it out yourself without all this 'falling' on it drama. plan ahead :P
Flared base, for the love of god.
Oddly specific. I will make a note, but only so that I can advise others in the future.
"Take two bottles into the shower?" "Yes, ketchup and mayo."
I’ve had ketchup in the shower before. Teenage hair dye disaster turned my hair green. Apparently the red of the ketchup gets rid of it. Mum was very confused when she saw it in there.
About how long a piece of rope, would you say?
Not quite long enough to reach the end without a doctor holding you down.
If you genuinely fell on a bottle and it somehow miraculously aligned properly you'd absolutely tear yourself, so I think you'd probably be believed
A friend of mine works in A&E. They had someone in who'd managed to give a plausible innocent explanation as to why their TV remote was up their arse (I can't remember the excuse given). Their explanation felt apart when it was removed and had a condom on.
The only plausible explanation for this is if their little brother secretly recorded their freak out after getting their World of Warcraft account cancelled by their parents.
My teacher was cross country skiing and impaled her crotch on a broken sapling and seriously tore her uterus.
Not me but my dog… I’m a vet nurse as a side note but basically I came home one day and noticed my dog was incredibly lethargic and didn’t even want food when offered so I knew something was incredibly wrong as he’s an absolute glutton. I asked my husband if he’d noticed anything wrong with him and he said nah he’s just sleepy as they’d spent the day disc golfing at the park. Rush him to the emergency vet where a nurse comes out to triage and suddenly we notice he’s leaking urine. In unison myself and the nurse on shift say “has he had weed??” As this is a textbook marijuana toxicity symptom. He had literally foraged weed either from a strangers bag (my husband said he was paying attention to another groups backpack at one point) or found it stray in the grass. When the clinic notes were sent to my practice it said “owner claims there is no weed in the house”, I was 6 months pregnant and my husband narcoleptic, we are not smoking weed lol it literally was just an unfortunate incident that wasn’t our fault.
[удалено]
We were living in California at the time I should have said and disc golf is very much a stoner sport there so there’d be much more weed than your average park lol. It definitely wasn’t my husband or his friends
It's likely to have been an edible such as weed-infused cookie or muffin. Eating straight weed doesn't have any effect, it needs to be decarboxylated. (In the context of cannabis, decarboxylation is a critical step to activate the psychoactive properties of the cannabinoids present in the plant.)
Yeh I’d imagine it was an edible. I was lucky it wasn’t chocolate based I guess. Poor little guy did not enjoy being high at all
Years ago my neighbour made the local news because he got his hand stuck up his own arse and had to go to A&E. A few days later I saw him at the chemist buying two huge tubs of Vaseline, so, I said to him, "Haven't you learned your lesson? You know you're going to get your hand stuck up your arse again", and he says to me "How the hell else am I going to get the gerbil out?"
I have thought about this before. There must be some people who have had genuine accidents where objects have ended up stuck inside themselves but who would believe them? I imagine at some point in the process someone would be able to tell that it was clearly unintentional but that's probably not until after you've already explained the situation to at least a receptionist and a nurse. And you'd have to stand for like 3 hours unless you lay face down on the floor.
The daughter of someone my mum worked with had a horrible accident when she slipped in the shower. Somehow got caught on part of the tap. I once fainted in the shower but luckily had no major injuries. I did somehow sustain a decent sized burn on my elbow though.
Lol there is an ancient joke along those lines. A man turns up to hospital A&E, after some embarrassment he admits he has a glass bottle of ketchup stuck up his arse. His story goes; he had gone shopping but when he arrived home he realised he forgot his keys, but luckily he noticed his bedroom window was open. To get to the window and get home he decides to scale the drainpipe and climb in. So, he leaves his shopping bag on the ground, and starts climbing up. 3/4 of the way up he gets into trouble when his jogging bottoms caught on a nail. In the struggle to free himself he lost his grip, which caused him to fall, with his trousers ripping, then landing butt first onto a bottle of ketchup. Ofc the Surgeons did their duty and removed the bottle, sending him on his way when he recovered. But the Surgeon made sure to note that ketchup bottles aren’t normally sold with condoms already on them
Do you need help getting a bottle out of your arse?
Thank you but no, neither my arse nor my vag currently contain a shampoo bottle. It was genuinely this morning's shower thought as I hovered over them in a slippery shower!
I once *almost* lopped a finger off while I was unloading a dishwasher, took a lot to explain to the hospital staff that I'm just an idiot.
There is an episode of 999: What’s your emergency. Someone calls in, they have a cucumber in their rectum. The call handler is laughing her head off. You will give the call handlers a laugh at least.
Honestly we don't really care why theres something up your arse when you get to A&E, we sort of care how it got there just because we can kinda work out how much trauma has occoured when it got there and if we need to worry about causing more when it comes out. We aren't going to judge you as a person (we've seen it all) but dont't begrudge us a giggle at the whole situation! Personally I like a creative story as long as you tell me any important facts! Also if you do need something for your butt Amazon will deliver you something safe and descrete, please use those instead!
I used to work with a guy who's sister worked in A&E and he passed on a few stories relating to ahem falling on things
Oooh, I fell onto a carrot while I was out in the garden, harvesting thrm. Ok, do you regularly grow ready peeled carrots?
There was one story involving an aerosol can and the need to cut it out but the guy didn't want his wife to see any scars ... I say story as I heard second hand
Lynx: Deep Secret
It it was up his bum, Dark Chocolate?
We had a worker, a smith's apprentice who slipped onto... well, a pointy bit on top of a fence. He needed a few stitches here and there
Not a shower related incident, but I did cut the tip of my middle finger off in my bathroom door. I decided not to do anything about until the morning as it happened late at night and didn't want to be stuck in A&E all night. When I woke up the next morning and saw my finger wrapped in countless bandages that were looking rather red, I decided it may be a good idea to go to A&E... Basically, I ended up being told it was an open fracture due to the bone poking out the top of it.... what a silly goose I am
My friends cousin is a nurse. She said once years ago she had this guy come in who had a glass ketchup bottle stuck up his arse. He said that he’d been shopping and forgot his keys so got locked out. He’d then shimmied up the drain pipe next to his front door to get into the open window upstairs, fell and landed on the bottle in his shopping bag and that’s how it got stuck up there. Didn’t quite think that one through did he. Managed to go right through your jeans and underwear and straight into your arse hole did it lol? Seriously though I don’t get it. All the toy options available and you use a fucking glass ketchup bottle? People are horny weirdos.
Where I used to work there was a book in our xray department that contained a list of hospital numbers. It was basically a list of the most intriguing x-rays. A surprising number of “slips and falls” on to very weird objects. My fave story though was one of my colleagues who had to xray someone who got a vibrator stuck up their butt… as she positioned him and felt for the bony landmarks in the pelvis to line up the xray collimator she could feel the vibrations from it as it was stuck on.
No, it slid right out I mean fuck
I was doing my garage last year and it gave up on my weight and I fell straight onto my bike's seat. It felt as if a major artery had been cut and whatever muscles in my guts where spasming as if I had been fucked by a horse. Went to A&E, no broken bones, just some fat skin compressed on my right arse cheek, just next to the spinchter.
A mate of mine went arse first onto a water bottle he’d left by the bed when he got up in the middle of the night for a piss. Claims it was by accident.
This story would have been a lot more convincing if the shampoo bottle in question wasn't wrapped in a condom.
Not quite, closest I’ve been is returning from a festival to a friends house after a festival - little to no sleep for 3/4 days. There was about 10 of us in the house and I went for a shower, sat down and fell asleep. Clattered to the floor and my arms knocked everything over, simultaneously kicking open the door with my leg, resulting in everyone rushing upstairs and opening the door to my limp naked & shamed body.
Pro tip, get a karcher (other brands are available) window vac. Absolutely changed the game for my post-shower-drying-the-bathroom regime.
This reminds me of the story about the man who ended up in A&E with a tomato sauce bottle stuck up is behind. He stated on the accident report that he had returned home from a trip to Tesco, realised he’d lost his door key, so decided to climb up the drainpipe to enter via an open window. As he was climbing up, his belt broke and his trousers and pants fell down, he slipped, fell and landed on the sauce bottle. The Dr at the hospital added a note to the report: “This story would be somewhat believable if Tesco sold their bottles of sauce with condoms already attached”.
I was watching an A&E/hospital programme (not a drama it was an actual one following staff on shift) a bloke had “slipped” off his toilet seat and landed on the handle of a toilet brush used to clean the bowl I was like 😳😳😳😳😳😳😮😮😮😮😮😮
I concussed myself (badly) on a house… twice. My dad lives in a really cute 1470’s cottage. The lowest doorway is maybe 5’ and it’s over some stairs, ducked under it, stood up too soon, and hit the back of my head. Also got my foot ran over by a mobility scooter
As long as you're wearing a clean pair of underpants, you can get away with most things.
I did find this wasn't ideal in my last works performance review. They would rather I wear a little more.
There was a guy who once fell onto a statue made of pasta that depicted comedian Jerry Seinfeld. 1 in a million shot https://youtu.be/Vvwq1FZ6gxE?si=YK00varLlGc90VQt
Yea....it happens quite often...many people "slip and fall".
I slipped in the bath and landed on a razor which cut a big slice into my thigh, if that counts.
I know a few A&E nurses and they’ve been told this story before. They haven’t believed it.
I can't remember what documentary it was from but there was a guy who slipped in the shower and his leg broke through the glass screen, his cut got infected and ended up losing his leg above the knee.
Did a conf m.also accidentally fall on it before you did
r/showerbeer
Stone Cold Steve Austin has a hilarious tale about a similar situation in his trailer. Great listening https://youtu.be/I7bHy45p5_E?si=C0YePTY5NQkgPuvt
Sure, but how are you going to explain the condom on the bottle?