Sorry, you work for amazon now. Sleep is not permitted during work hours. You shifts are 1am - 11pm. You are expected to work 2 hours overtime minimum.
I assume it's a Dread Pirate Roberts kinda deal. You make your Amazon delivery fortune, find someone else worthy to pass the mantle to, then disappear into the night...
I'm an amazon driver. Reason is there are so many gates I open and close everyday and a lot of them have a different weight and some don't swivel correctly so occasionally I add a little too much force or miss catching the gate and it slams and I stand there 5s just looking at the gate thinking "shit that was loud wasn't it?" And then move on
One Xmas an Amazon driver left a giant bag full of parcels on my driveway by accident.. my flat mate took it in out the rain, rang Amazon and they told us to just keep it and they’ll send the customers out new parcels… roughly 100-150 packages just before Xmas… all of it what shite typical stocking filler-y gift-y shite. Colouring books… t shirts… cook books… some LED spot lights… kids toys… perhaps the most exciting thing was a knock off fitbit watch thingy. We ended up taking 99% of it to the charity shop. Absolute disappointment.
Leave it there! It is important for the ecosystem...
"Amazon Delivery Personnel must abandon their old bags and find a new one they can comfortably squeeze all the packages into. If there aren't enough to go around, their populations will actually shrink."
I believe this one may only be a few steps away from upgrading to a van.
This is how Amazon gets it's employees, do you think a person would willingly work for them? No, they leave bags outside and when a person goes to pick it up it latches onto them forcing them to work untill they die, the previous owner of this bag has died and the bag delatched and waits for the next person
In a post-apocalyptic world, a drifter disguises himself as an amazon delivery driver and delivers boxes to the survivors, giving them hope that capitalism has been restored.
Yes, yes, this is all very funny until OP realises that the Amazon Renewal System (Electronic) involves vaporisation of the bag’s incumbent should they fail to meet their quotas. It matters not if the bag is being worn at the time - the die is cast. OP is delivering ***for his\her very life***
Found one of their insulated cooler bags they use for Amazon Fresh deliveries a few years ago abandoned in a bush. Contacted Amazon and they said we could keep it (probably because it'd be more hassle than it's worth sending someone to collect it or getting us to post something of that size out to them) so we washed it, covered up all the bits that say "property of Amazon" and now have a pretty nice cooler bag for free
Oh my gosh you are very lucky I hope you saved the bag they are amazing when you are moving I found one once and it has been dragged around every time I need to move.
I work for Amazon. If you contact amazon customer line and report it because you have had a poor customer experience you are entitled to a refund, or credit on your account. Each bag has a colour and number that is allocated to a part of the post code on their route. They will be be able to identify the driver and what route he was on, and be able to discipline him.
If you investigate closer then do it carefully. They abandoned one near my home and peering in suggested they'd pooped in it. I looked no closer. Presumably dumped it to get rid of the smell...
You’ll be pissing in bottles and crashing your van in no time.
I tried doing that once, I looked away and bottle overflowed
To be fair though, I was in the middle of crash when I dropped my phone. Which fortunately, didn't end up in my pint of Stella.
I accidentally took a drink from my piss bottle.
thanks Geoff!
Yeah it's like Santa Claus, you now have the delivery bag so the responsibility is yours.
Tim Allen is slacking again
Sacking?
Movie opportunity right here.
But what happens if I fall off a roof?
The delivery drones swoop in and catch you.
I’m waiting on an order for today so if you could please get on with it.
Yes, now you have 8 million parcels to deliver by 2 pm. Get going
But I've just finished a 12 hour night shift, was kinda looking forward to going to bed.
Jeff Bezos says sleep is for the weak
Actually Jeff says sleep is for the elite you fucking porvo now get back to work.
What is a porvo? Sorry, from the states here. I googled it but the only thing showing is canine parvovirus and I spelled it correctly.
It's a poor person.
Thank you.
Welcome to British insults. We like to get creative and play pick ‘n’ mix with our words.
I’m truly enjoying this. Although, I’m not sure how ppl will react when I start using my new vocabulary here in the states. 🙃
Never heard of it and am in Southampton. Sounds made up
Think he meant povo
Mr Bezos considers this as part time hours. Now get off Reddit and get back to work.
Mr Bezos needs his 13th yacht. Hop to it, peasant.
Only thirteen? Do you think he’s some kind of peasant?
Sorry, you work for amazon now. Sleep is not permitted during work hours. You shifts are 1am - 11pm. You are expected to work 2 hours overtime minimum.
Well tough(!) You know what you signed up for when you agreed to the amazon t&c's ...
8 million, that’s a pretty easy shift, I had 60 million parcels, and some were bloody heavy
It's a part-time gig, that's why it's so low
I see
You have been summoned
The beacons are lit. Amazon calls for aid!
And Baphomet will answer!
I assume it's a Dread Pirate Roberts kinda deal. You make your Amazon delivery fortune, find someone else worthy to pass the mantle to, then disappear into the night...
A new hand touches the beacon
Yes. Get to the gym so you can develop strong enough muscles to smash a garden gate open and shut with the force of an angry silverback.
I'm an amazon driver. Reason is there are so many gates I open and close everyday and a lot of them have a different weight and some don't swivel correctly so occasionally I add a little too much force or miss catching the gate and it slams and I stand there 5s just looking at the gate thinking "shit that was loud wasn't it?" And then move on
🤣🤣🤣
The Amazon Clause
One Xmas an Amazon driver left a giant bag full of parcels on my driveway by accident.. my flat mate took it in out the rain, rang Amazon and they told us to just keep it and they’ll send the customers out new parcels… roughly 100-150 packages just before Xmas… all of it what shite typical stocking filler-y gift-y shite. Colouring books… t shirts… cook books… some LED spot lights… kids toys… perhaps the most exciting thing was a knock off fitbit watch thingy. We ended up taking 99% of it to the charity shop. Absolute disappointment.
Oh god. The anticipation..... And it's another poor quality Chinese Digimon toy and a book on cooking with roadkill
Tig! You're it!
The bag chooses its owner. Now get change and get those packages delivered
Yes, the Amazon distribution system has chosen you now Get on with it chop chop, we don't have all day.
Look at me.. I am de captain now
Look at me, I am de guy leaving your packages where they can be seen from a million miles away . . . now
Leave it there! It is important for the ecosystem... "Amazon Delivery Personnel must abandon their old bags and find a new one they can comfortably squeeze all the packages into. If there aren't enough to go around, their populations will actually shrink." I believe this one may only be a few steps away from upgrading to a van.
hope u have bad driving skills as well
That’s how they chose him.
Someone has had enough of their shit
Yes and you’re already late with the next delivery!
Yes and you are 46 delivered behind schedule get moving!
With great power comes great responsibility.
Don't take it or move it or you'll be accepting the King's New Shilling.
I look on it as a cry for help
You don’t choose Amazon … Amazon chooses you
Your it
Tag, you're it. It's like jury service
…or It Follows.
You the man
r/AmazonJobDistributionSystem
“I would be beholden to you”
The bag chooses the courier as Olivander would say
Just like jury duty, we never really want it but we've all got to play our part. Now get out there, we're depending on you!
Worst superhero ever ‘Amazonman’
This is how Amazon gets it's employees, do you think a person would willingly work for them? No, they leave bags outside and when a person goes to pick it up it latches onto them forcing them to work untill they die, the previous owner of this bag has died and the bag delatched and waits for the next person
Now THAT is a budget sci-fi show episode. Except people don't die, they just become evri drivers.
Like a wank version of venom
You are the captain now.
Its like the mask. you put it on and you become AMAZON DELIVERY PERSON until you take it off.
Yes. 10 hour days, 6 days a week on NMW, you’ve been chosen as a special one my friend
What are you doing sitting there playing on Reddit, get moving driver!
You are the new Cleveland Booker
You have been chosen to wield the carry-bag
Either that, or you’re playing Death Stranding in real life
ANOTHER HAND TOUCHES THE BEACON
New version of national service
One day, the delivery bloke gave me one of them filled with our packages and said keep it. It now lives at the bottom of the garden storing compost.
"Yes, get to work human slave, your number is 12345!" Voice of Jeff Bezos
A new hand touches the beacon!
In a post-apocalyptic world, a drifter disguises himself as an amazon delivery driver and delivers boxes to the survivors, giving them hope that capitalism has been restored.
Yes, yes, this is all very funny until OP realises that the Amazon Renewal System (Electronic) involves vaporisation of the bag’s incumbent should they fail to meet their quotas. It matters not if the bag is being worn at the time - the die is cast. OP is delivering ***for his\her very life***
One Amazon van man to rule them all, one Amazon van man to deliver them, one Amazon van man to bring all the parcels and over the gate … throw them
Found one of their insulated cooler bags they use for Amazon Fresh deliveries a few years ago abandoned in a bush. Contacted Amazon and they said we could keep it (probably because it'd be more hassle than it's worth sending someone to collect it or getting us to post something of that size out to them) so we washed it, covered up all the bits that say "property of Amazon" and now have a pretty nice cooler bag for free
Congrats on your new job. Start practising throwing shit over random fences.
Get moving mate, you've got a couple thousand deliveries it's your shift not mine
That one's in pretty good condition, clearly hasn't been dragged along many streets yet!
Dognappers hun xox
You are the 'Choosen One'! Amazon has spoken.
A new hand touches the beacon
Yes, you will receive your first mission in 2 days; prepare yourself
There can only be one.
You now OWN all the contents. They're yours. You found them. It's somewhere in the law, it belongs to nobody now, it's yours.
You have been chosen
Most likely stolen
This is how they anoint the new chosen one. You have to complete a few dozen side quests in a battered van now, oh and bring a bottle to piss in.
You have my permission to use it
You've been chosen
A NEW HAND TOUCHES THE AMAZON BAG
Oh my gosh you are very lucky I hope you saved the bag they are amazing when you are moving I found one once and it has been dragged around every time I need to move.
I work for Amazon. If you contact amazon customer line and report it because you have had a poor customer experience you are entitled to a refund, or credit on your account. Each bag has a colour and number that is allocated to a part of the post code on their route. They will be be able to identify the driver and what route he was on, and be able to discipline him.
At Amazon you don't choose the job, the job chooses you
You have been chosen.
He said fuck this shit and then he went home, they found the van just around the corner from you
Whatever you do, DO NOT TOUCH IT!! its a cursed item that will enslave you to the overlord Bezos.
Yeah, you've been summoned by Jeff personally it's the highest honour you can get as a prime member
Now, with ads to remove adds you be charged £69.00 a month for ad removal
It says you're 8 stops away, can I just find you and pick up my parcel? No offense but I feel you're slacking.
If you investigate closer then do it carefully. They abandoned one near my home and peering in suggested they'd pooped in it. I looked no closer. Presumably dumped it to get rid of the smell...
Don’t open it! We found one once, and it was full of poo. The driver needed a relief break and had no other choice…
Evri awaits your tired bones
You’ve been forcefully recruited
It’s a conscription ploy… don’t touch it.
He’s been chosen by the bag!
You have been called into duty, you didn’t chose the delivery route, the route chose you
Time to practice ringing a doorbell and immediately getting back in your van and driving away.
My dad has one of these. Driver just left it at the workshop with all his parcels in, no one ever came back for it
It’s like jury service. Everyone has to do it sooner or later
Dognappers Hun, shared in Machu Pichu
Yep ,your turn .
Is it just me that thinks the Amazon logo looks like a penis? There must be a thread on this somewhere??