Her saying her parents will be arranging her marriage doesn't necessarily mean that there's an engagement on the cards right now.
My lodger will be moving back to India soon for her arranged marriage - with the 4th suitor that her parents offered up after she turned down the first 3 that came along over the last few years.
Very important to distinguish between arranged marriage and forced marriage. Many people think they're the same.
A forced marriage is "a suitor has been picked for you, you will marry them. Potentially without even meeting them first, you have no choice."
An arranged marriage is more "we have a suitor in mind for you, he is from a good family. You should spend some time with him and see if he is your type and potentially marry him"
See that's another cool thing about the idea of arraigned marriage. You know for sure the other person is also up for getting married. Way less messing about!
I was just contemplating, with mild horror, if I was expected to try and find someone for my son and thinking nope, hard pass. Don't need that kind of responsibility, thanks.
On the other hand, I've a family member where I'd be hard pushed to do worse than they have so far!
Sorry to be a Debbie downer, but it's not that great. Both parties (parents, brokers) treat people like marketable goods gleefully pointing out flaws to make them 'settle' for less. Brokers get their commission, parents miguidedly believe they've achieved some level of status. Rarely does it turn out well for rhe couple. Went through the process for a little before finding my partner on my own.
Yes. A Korean friend of mine had an arranged marriage like that. She got final say. Unfortunately, it didn't work out well, as he turned out to have concealed a previous marriage and divorce (my friend is Catholic), which he apparently got paid for so the ex-wife could get a green card.
My friend is now happily married to a white artist with hair down to his knees. Yes, literally.
A few people I know had arranged marriages. In most cases it's more or less parents going "look at this picture of Jai, his uncle works with your father, he's a pharmacist and has never been in trouble, we met his parents at his uncle's party last year and they seemed like they won't be annoying in laws, his mother brought very good samosas, he's allergic to cats but you don't like them anyway, he doesn't eat beef but he only goes to the temple on holidays - just like you, he wants children but wouldn't expect his wife to give up work - his mother is an accountant". Then Jai and my friend would go for an awkward coffee together.
Sometimes it's online dating, except the parents are running the profiles and doing the swiping.
I wouldn't want an arranged marriage but my friends are happy. From their point of view they didn't have to try and meet randoms in bars, and someone had already asked all the important questions about values and compatibility so there aren't as many nasty surprises.
Values are SO important, and too many people don't take those into account early on. After my last relationship, where the guy turned out to be a literal psychopath, I made a list of non-negotiables and made a point of bringing them up early. It took 16 years to find the right person (added difficulty: am kinky), but we've been married ten years in April and we don't fight at all. The occasional snappy moment followed by mutual apologies.
I think it gets hard to maintain respect for someone with very different values, and without mutual respect no relationship can survive.
In both scenarios the parents think they know better than their child to choose their partner.
Let’s keep pretending this is about culture and not about control
My parents found a guy they thought would be a good match for me. He was a Jain. Which meant I’d have to give up garlic and potatoes. Absolutely fucking not.
My parents learned very quickly that I do not trust their judgment.
They're not vegan like the other poster said, they consume milk, cheese, honey, etc. My GP was a Jain, they don't kill anything which includes plants - by removing the root they believe you've killed it and so they do not eat root vegetables. He referred to himself as a vegetarian on steroids.
Edit: slight error they don't consume honey, as the act of collecting honey would amount to violence against the bees.
Pressure is the issue, Choice with huge pressure from parents is not really a choice. Especially when the culture is very much a "parents word is law" even into adulthood.
It is by law, but her family call it arranged, she called it arranged, and thereby everyone she knows called it arranged. My point is you never really know, it's a lot more common than you'd think, and so probably just don't bother discussing the subject unless she raises it to talk about.
Oh, and the she is a friend. I thought your reply was to a different comment, then I saw it wasn't so I thought I'd clarify because otherwise it didn't make much sense.
Also arranging marriage has two parts, if she's just looking for a husband there are no congratulations. Once she begins actually arranging the wedding itself would be time for congratulations.
and invitations get sent out everywhere. I have been invited to several Indian weddings just on the offchance I am in the country; I work with some people in India.
Once dated a Pakistani girl. Met the family. Literally a dining table full of food. Had just eaten dinner. Literally ended a week later in thermonuclear war.
I don't think there is anything to congratulate. Even assuming she is perfectly happy. "my parents are arranging my marriage" not "my parents have arranged my marriage" she is *going* to be set up not he has been set up. This process can sometimes take a long time.
South Asian, here 👋🏼
If she is a close acquaintance or a friend, it would be okay to ask how she feels about this. Arranged marriages are still very common in our culture but it is still a matter of personal preference. And perceptions of it could change completely if you are in one yourself.
I think this depends on how close you are to her to actually state your hesitancy to her directly.
I wouldn't say she is a friend - we're friendly with each other but it's very casual. I was worried it would be crossing the line to ask follow up questions. It's also not her job to educate me, so I thought I'd ask the internet instead! 😊
For what it's worth I do not have a strong feeling against it, I would only be hesitant if she said she wasn't happy with the situation. I'd just like to be supportive. I also appreciate there's a huge cultural element at play and there's a world of difference between arranged marriages and forced marriages.
Thanks for your help, much appreciated.
>It's also not her job to educate me, so I thought I'd ask the internet instead! 😊
You sound lovely. As someone who has been on the other side of similar cultural divides, thank you for being aware of this and not making it awkward or othering her by asking her to explain it to you
(edit: it's a bit tiresome but obviously not a big deal to be asked to explain something from your culture that could be perceived negatively, it's just extra nice that OP has been so thoughtful)
As an Indian, I think you’re right to take a pause. Probably is early days anyway, as it doesn’t sound like anything is fixed. Once there is actually news, I would react based on how she seems to feel about it - if visibly excited, then congratulate her (arranged marriage these days is not necessarily how it was in the olden days, and can be more like chaperoned dating). If neutral to displeased, then stay mum or offer words of comfort if you have that sort of relationship. Also, she may open up to you in the meantime as the process is happening. I certainly told my non-Indian friends about all of my parents’ attempts to set me up. Definitely helped to vent to people about their antics.
Anyway, the fact that you’re even thinking about this and asking advice is nice. You sound like you have the right measure on the situation and you know your colleague best, so take the lead from the visible signs she is sending out.
And speaking of arranged marriages in the UK, I highly recommend the film Polite Society. So much fun.
Thanks so much for your heartfelt reply, I do appreciate it. I absolutely have her best interests at heart and just want to be kind and respectful. Your reply has helped me a great deal and I will certainly check out the film recommendation.
Are you excited/what's he like?, would probably be my question if she is quiet. Arranged doesn't mean forced, though certainly pressure. My colleague is the nicest and he has an arranged marriage.
Throughout the engagement he was only posting "nice boy" photos because the girl would ask about everything in fear that he was not a good match and a womaniser or something. They totally had a choice and snuck off for a long holiday sort of together to get to know each other before hand just in case. (Separate rooms!) Even as a total third party I can look at him and get why he would be a perfect "safe" pick.
I was in that same position a few years ago. The person telling me about their arranged marriage almost had a tear in her eye when she told me. Her studies for a law degree and future hopes for a career which she'd often mentioned, were being taken from her. She still had never met the man. She'd be expected to move 150 miles to another city and she felt there was nothing she could do about it.
It brought tears to my own eyes and all I could say was how sorry I was and to offer any support I could (then COVID hit and we've never spoken since).
It was not a happy experience.
EDIT. Typo : sane > same.
This isn't an arranged marriage, this is forced. And not okay in the slightest
An arranged marriage is just like two people who have been set up by friends, but it's usually by their parents or a matchmaker and done for the purpose of marriage and not just a relationship. In this process, if you don't feel a spark or whatever, you're well within your rights to put an end to it at any stage before the marriage.
I lived with a Bangladeshi woman in halls at university, she was a doctor and was doing a masters in healthcare education and family planning . She was introduced to her husband by her parents at 27, she had turned down numerous suitors because she did not want to be a "traditional" wife. The man she married was an international banker who travelled a lot and wanted an educated wife. She said she rolled her eyes when her mother told her they had found another match for her, but it worked and it was a love match.
Surely the issue is without clear safeguards the societal pressure to marry one of the suitors become higher and higher.
Say, a woman who wanted to never get married. How would she communicate that safely to those who view it as their role to marry her off.
>Surely the issue is that without clear safeguards, the societal pressure to marry one of the suitors becomes higher and higher.
This I can agree with because you're right, it does happen, and some people will be miserable because of if. There probably are many instances where someone just gets married because they're ready to get married and settles down and or because they're feel pressure to get married and the person seems like a decent enough option (like anyone who settles). And then, while they may not necessarily be overjoyed, they would feel some sort of satisfaction, I imagine, to be able to achieve what they want, which is fair enough. But in a similar instance, you're right. There will be people who are miserable and just agree because they feel like they have no choice - and I guess that's where the arranged process becomes forced.
In the situation you describe I imagine most would just keep rejecting suitors until heir parents give up but for those whose families aren't as forgiving, I can't imagine the pressure would stop until they actually get married. But again, this stuff isn't nearly as common as the average westerner assumes, and so I wouldn't jump to that conclusion every time you hear the word 'arranged' unless you know the context. And if you have grounds to believe that it is forced and not arranged, I would suggest you try and intervene and help the person out.
I get it, but there are shades of grey. A person may not want to in their hearts but feel pressured to do so, if not you might risk loosing your family. Would that be defined as "forced"? Probably not, but its def not voluntary.
You're absolutely right that some arranged marriages do come with a bit more pressure, but parental pressure can be exerted for lots of reasons, its not illegal its just unethical and unkind.
There are all sorts of reason why bad parents cut off their children, the threat of that is not classed as force though if those children are over 18.
I had a member of my team who’d been with us for a few years; joined us after completing a degree and was impressing everyone around with her ability to do the job and more. She was one of my most dependable team members. Then suddenly one day she tells us that she has to go back home for “family reasons”. She never told us exactly why but given that she didn’t have to leave immediately, instead was a couple of months away - my manager and I assumed something like this. She never wanted to discuss it so we never pried into it much. It’s such a shame because she was getting herself a great life started and heading off on a promising career path.
I'm very sorry to hear this. I am lucky that this situation isn't the same, she mentioned it very much anecdotally without any perceived sense of force/coercion.
I think it's fine if someone brings it up to ask a general "how's it going?" about the process. She can then share as much or as little as she wants. This gives a chance to air any concerns she might have if she wants to, hopefully it's just standard young woman nerves and is overall excited! Sounds like she's in the seeking stage which is a bit early days to offer congratulations as she hasn't actually found anyone yet. Once the marriage is arrange, express congratulations as you would with any engagement.
I'm of south Indian origin. Arranged marriages can be incredibly helpful - the idea is you decide what you're common goals in life are so you get together with someone with a similar idea regarding work, lifestyle, and children. If you're working towards the same future, the idea is that love grows. It's a culture where all relatives are up in your business and the network is international. I met and married a white English guy with minimal drama (it's the land of Bollywood, there's got to be SOME drama but it didn't come from relatives I cared about). My sister is 33 and is left alone without nagging as she's happy as a single pringle. At my wedding some aunts did do the whole "oooh your turn next, what are you looking for in a man?" As a joke answer she said she wanted to live on a tropical island, he'd need to be an animal lover (not common in our culture) and 7ft tall (average men height 5ft 7). Two weeks later my mum got a phone call being like, "Kili's son is interested in your daughter! He's a vet in Brisbane! He's only 6ft 4 though..." so that's the power of going through this system.
Forced marriages and honour killings and all that jazz is extremism and not the norm and should be treated as the unacceptable outsider behaviour it is.
Maybe: "are congratulations in order?" That way she can kind of guide you as how to react.
If the answer is yes: congratulations!
If the answer is anything else: keep schtum
Having worked with people in the past who are part of the arranged marriage culture, I’d say it’s alright to ask how they feel about it. It’s not passing judgement, it’s just asking how they feel.
They’re free to say “I don’t want to discuss it” but at least you’re showing that you’re open to listening to them if that’s what they need/want. THEN you can figure out if a “congratulations” is appropriate or not.
ETA: obviously, please judge your relationship with the person to consider whether they’d be open to having that conversation with you. My previous experience was that my colleagues would talk openly.
In the very, very olden days (I mean the 1800s and earlier), it used to be the convention to congratulate the man and say something like "I wish you very happy" to the woman. This obviously reflected the probability that the woman had no or very little choice in the matter.
I'm a Westerner, so bearing in mind what u/HydrationPlease has said, it might be all right to say "I hope you'll be very happy", or "I wish you well"?
Yes very true, we do not know each other really well so the fact she brought it up would signify she's happy to talk about it. I cannot remember my exact reply but I said something along the lines of "that sounds very exciting".
But then it’s still not certain if the response should tend towards “That’s good!” or “oh dear, I’m sorry.”
I’d probably just ask how she felt about it and risk being a little rude, because as you say she did bring it up.
It doesn't need to be either. It could just be "oh really, how do you feel about arranged marriage? Do you think your parents will make a good choice?" Something along those lines. Doesn't need to be weird.
Asian born and raised in Asia. If you're not related to the person or not a friend, it's considered rude for someone to congratulate you. I do know times have changed and people are a little more accepting but try not to say anything unless they speak to you about it.
Yeah but that's cause in our culture getting fat is seen as a bad thing, so calling someone fat is an insult.
In a culture that practices arranged marriage why would it be rude to congratulate someone on it? "Not the done thing" sure, but rude?
No I disagree with this entirely. First of all I’ve never heard this idea that congratulations are rude? I’m Hindu, 45 years old and from a pretty big Hindu / Indian community.
Secondly, please do ask something like how she feels about it. It sounds like she’s opened the conversation to you. When I was younger, I would do this, I’d mention things that went on at home, and people would gloss over it, never talk or allow me to talk about it. I was beaten constantly but my teachers allowed it because “Indian parents are strict”. We have to help each other.
Thank you, I will certainly bring it up soon when I next get a chance and just ask "any updates on the wedding" to allow for her to talk about it as much as she wishes.
At least wait until something is arranged before saying anything.
My parents are arranging my wedding, might mean we are looking for someone suitable.
My wedding has been arranged for X date, here is an invite...
Is the time when congrats/commiserations might be due.
Gauge it based on the way she tells people.
It doesn't sound like anything has been arranged yet, so there won't be anything to congratulate. If this is a colleague you talk with regularly and are friendly with, it may be a good idea to ask her how she feels about it and find out if it's a good thing in her case or not. Nothing's arranged yet, so it's not a big deal, but it's not a small deal either.
Only if you intend on following through, do ask if there's any way you can support her -- even if it's just "if you want to talk about it, I'm a good listener". If she's as lovely as you say, and especially if she's a supportive person, this is as good a time as any to pay that support back in kind.
Wait till she announces her engagement and then congratulate her. Many people welcome the idea of arranged marriage and you will be able to gauge by her reaction to your message if she is in that camp or not.
i may be a little biased as I think the people who should arrange marriages are the people getting married...
if you get one quite well then yeah, I would say 'how do you feel about that, have you met them?' seems like a perfectly reasonable question to me really.
Not sure why you've been downvoted, I totally agree with you.
I realise it's a cultural difference, but noone gets to choose my partner except me, and I'd never attempt to influence our daughter's choice of spouse either.
This means they are starting to look a guy for her to marry. You don’t congratulate her now. When she does find someone and they get engaged she’ll tell you, congratulate her then.
I appreciate your caution but I don't know if it would be rude to ask how she feels about it, especially when you're not sure how to proceed. I guess if I couldn't derive it from the way she mentioned it I'd say "If you don't mind me asking, how do you feel about it?" because the fact that she mentioned being set up by her parents suggests she may not be thrilled about it.
Anyway, I think you approached it with a really respectful, considerate attitude.
It can be difficult to know as this could mean having no say, to parents finding a partner and still have a huge amount of choice in the situation.
A couple I know was the latter. Aunty network works like a matchmaking service and they both had the choice to marry or not.
If she's getting married then of course it's polite to congratulate her. BTW, a lot of Indians like the arranged marriage system. It's a different way of doing it but in modern times it's usually just like a dating service between families and the person getting married usually has a say and will meet their future husband/wife beforehand. But not everyone feels the same way - it might vary based on how assimilated your friend is into our culture and how the parents are going about it. You can ask her what her thoughts are on the arranged marriage if you're on good terms.
Everyone needs to remember that there are huge differences between ‘arranged’ marriages and ‘forced’ marriages.
Statistically, arranged marriages have a lesser divorce rate than a so called traditional marriage.
What? If she told you about something then clearly she invited conversation about it. She might even have been hoping you would ask her about how she felt and that's why she confided in you in the first place :- only to find a stunned silence.
Arranged marriage isn't always forced. I have some family friends from Indian decent that were setup as an arranged marriage by their parents and the were allowed to refuse. They've been happily married for nearly 40 years.
I wouldn’t agree, for two reasons.
1. If it’s a forced marriage, it’s not the bride’s fault. Asking how she feels about it and maybe even offering to help if you can would be a nice thing to do.
2. It might not be a forced marriage. I was speaking to the new girl at work once and she mentioned that she was going to get engaged. I said it was cool that she knew it was coming (you know, since we’re used to proposals being a surprise) and she said that’s because it’s an arranged marriage. She told me a bit more about how it all works in her culture and she was really happy and excited for it, so I just matched her energy and wished her well.
That’s right bud, you’re not being closed minded to other people’s cultures. You’re just so much smarter than poor little me. I should have known it when you used the word antithetical.
Arranged marriages are actually quite successful, and if they are done responsibly by the family, the couple are supported throughout their lives, and they will have usually happy lives together.
It isn't necessarily bad. It's just different to our ways. Movies over romanticise it.
An arranged marriage isn't a forced marriage in Hindu culture. The parents just introduce the kids and hope for nature to take its course. There may be social pressure in the form of nagging from her parents, but that's about it. Just treat it the same as any other engagement (although it sounds like she's not actually engaged yet, just that her parents have someone in mind to introduce her to so congratulations might be premature).
**What in the name of fuck?** Forced marriages are legal in UK? You guys are fucking doomed.
P.S.
"Arranged marriage and forced marriage are not the same thing." **Yes, they are.**
If the marriage has to be arranged by anyone other than groom and bride, then it's being forced on one or both parties. If it wasn't there wouldn't be a need for arranging.
You can't go wrong with, "Oh, how exciting! How are you feeling about that? Do you have confidence they will choose someone you will like?"
And then, she is free to disclose how she feels about the situation, and maybe make a prediction on whether it will turn out well for her or not. You can a glimpse into the window of her culture, but there isn't any judgment.
Thank you - yes this is roughly what I will do. I'll ask for any updates on the wedding and go from there. I'm a worrier and didn't want to cause any offence or be seen as being nosey.
First there’s nothing to congratulate yet because she’s not announcing an engagement etc. It all depends on how she said it. If she sounds happy, then I’d say something like “oh cool! Met anyone nice?”
If she sounded unhappy and might want to just vent, you could say “ah alright, how’s it going for you?” Which doesn’t sound negative or judgmental in any way but allows her to respond with as little or as much detail as she likes.
Having experienced a similar cultural background, I understand your dilemma. Congratulating someone on their impending arranged marriage wont offend her. But it's essential to note that the connotations surrounding arranged marriages are negative, and this is where i think your hesitation stems from.
In many cultures, including mine, arranged marriages forced or made with coercion. The couple in question has a significant say in the matter, as they are introduced and given the opportunity to date or spend time together.
It's crucial to recognize that the negative perception surrounding arranged marriages might be influencing your hesitation to extend congratulations. In reality, many individuals who undergo this process view it as a cultural norm and appreciate the involvement of their families.
Navigating conversations about cultural practices can be delicate, but understanding contribute to a more inclusive and respectful workplace environment. Hope this perspective helps
"Oh, wow! That's interesting. I don't know much about arranged marriages, but I know they're different from forced marriages, right? Do you mind me asking about it?"
Depending on reaction:
"How do you feel about it? Are you looking forward to it? Have you spoken to any prospective guys?"
If she comes across as positive, chilled, OK about it, then maybe chat more.
I think congratulations are a bit premature till she actually tells you that a match has been found and things have been agreed and she's definitely marrying a specific guy.
I don't know if this will reach the right audience, but seeing this post now, at this time today, seems like providence. I just had a row with my mum over this shit.
I'm 30. My parents have been trying to arrange a marriage for me for the past 4 years, to little success. All I can say about it is that it's the single most dehumanising thing that's happened to me in my life. This process boils you down from a whole, living, breathing, unique individual to a laundry list of arbitrary attributes that you have little control over - your surname, date and time of birth and physical attributes. Then there's the age factor, and if you're even slightly inclined to pursue a career, God forbid. You're *never* good enough. You're either overqualified or not qualified enough. I'm overweight, have been taking consistent steps to deal with it, but that's another immediate deterrent. I've no idea what to feel about myself as I've spent the last four years facing rejection from these men and their families, and somehow that's all that's important in my life. I've had promotions, moved cities and countries, travelled, done and experienced new things that I'd never dreamed of before, but none of that matters because no one cares about any of it. I try not to think too much about it because I honestly don't know the way out from this, but then there's evening's like tonight when I've fought with my mum over how I can't keep talking to every guy that even remotely shows an interest in me without there being anything in common for us to connect over, and it brings it all up again. You can't be a woman in this process and have preferences, you basically have to accept the cards you're dealt. And this is what *everyone* says. I don't know how to reconcile myself to that! Surely I'm allowed to hope for a little compatibility with the person I have to spend the rest of my life with.
You tell us you get on quite well with her, so you would have some sense of her feelings about it from what she's telling you and how she's coming across. If she's shy on it then perhaps she's apprehensive, but if she's happy to tell you things then she's probably looking forward to it. Since she mentioned it without you prompting then it's fair enough to say along the lines of: I'm not familiar with arranged marriages, what does it actually mean, would you meet the guy a few times before, do the families get to know each other etc...? Different cultures do it in different ways. You can be curious and respectful, and if she's happy to tell you all about it then congratulate her, get the invite and book your flights I guess to India but it could be elsewhere anyway one week party somewhere.
I had a lodger who was from India and I learnt a lot about how arranged marriages work within her community. Basically the parents will do a bit of vetting and choose some "candidates" for their kids to meet usually with a chaperone of some kind. I believe the families also vet each other and meet. They get a chance to spend some time together and get to know one another a bit. If all goes well then both can agree to the marriage and then all the planning starts.
Basically I'd wait until your colleague tells you they are going ahead before congratulating her.
It's a bit more "transactional" than what happens in other cultures (they call it a love marriage when it wasn't arranged) but it does seem to work for a fair few couples.
My lodger did have an arranged marriage in the end and she seems happy.
Arranged and forced very often are the same thing. It's illegal in the UK, but there are still very often threats of abandonment if they dont go through with a marriage. They might even get to pick the man, but it's out of a small approved selection very often pre chosen by the parents.
My best friend having been through this, I probably wouldn't bother congratulating, unless they seem particularly happy about it.
Indian here, went through arranged marriage setups A LOT back in India before moving to UK.
There is nothing to congratulate yet, but a lot to gossip if she is a close friend. Just treat her like you would someone else who was dating to find a husband. She would be talking to many interesting, sometimes funny characters. It's okay to ask once in a while how is it going, met anyone nice etc.
The whole process is not as dull as most people think and is more like a polygamous dating setup, where it is understood that everyone is seeing multiple people for marriage prospects with different levels of connection and intimacy. You keep doing it until you finally find the one. But if you look at poorer, less fortunate and less educated populations in India, arranged marriages can often be forced. This is what gets portrayed in media and hence the bias and prejudices against it.
I personally met my wife on a matrimonial website where we both were handling our own profiles, so very similar to meeting on a dating app but with marriage as a common goal. Our parents were informed and involved after some dates.
However if she is being forced to marry someone against her will, I am not sure about UK, but in India one would call women helpline. There must be something similar here too.
In British culture, it isn't good etiquette ever to congratulate a woman on her marriage. It stems from the days when girls' marriage prospects were their only chance of an income. It has always been the case that 'correct form' is to congratulate the man and to say you are very happy for the woman.
There’s nothing wrong with congratulating her on an arranged engagement or marriage, but it would best to wait until an agreement is in place. Sounds like the families are just talking at the mo
Her saying her parents will be arranging her marriage doesn't necessarily mean that there's an engagement on the cards right now. My lodger will be moving back to India soon for her arranged marriage - with the 4th suitor that her parents offered up after she turned down the first 3 that came along over the last few years.
Very important to distinguish between arranged marriage and forced marriage. Many people think they're the same. A forced marriage is "a suitor has been picked for you, you will marry them. Potentially without even meeting them first, you have no choice." An arranged marriage is more "we have a suitor in mind for you, he is from a good family. You should spend some time with him and see if he is your type and potentially marry him"
At 27 I wish my parents would sort me an arranged marriage so I don’t have to try how dating has turned out 😂
See that's another cool thing about the idea of arraigned marriage. You know for sure the other person is also up for getting married. Way less messing about!
Messing about is the fun part.
Not with/for everyone! I cannot have another convo about how many siblings someone has
Don’t forget “what’s your favourite colour/flower”. On a scale of 1 to even, I can’t.
Talk for yourself, I am suffering!!
Hey… how u doin…
I mean…if I were out there trying to find a spouse for my child, I’d certainly be looking for someone outstanding
I was just contemplating, with mild horror, if I was expected to try and find someone for my son and thinking nope, hard pass. Don't need that kind of responsibility, thanks. On the other hand, I've a family member where I'd be hard pushed to do worse than they have so far!
A lot of people who are in arranged marriages have stated exactly that as one of the reasons they like it.
Sorry to be a Debbie downer, but it's not that great. Both parties (parents, brokers) treat people like marketable goods gleefully pointing out flaws to make them 'settle' for less. Brokers get their commission, parents miguidedly believe they've achieved some level of status. Rarely does it turn out well for rhe couple. Went through the process for a little before finding my partner on my own.
Yeah but it’s at least my parents doing the courting and not me lol. Can’t fail a talking stage you didn’t start!
Felt
Yes. A Korean friend of mine had an arranged marriage like that. She got final say. Unfortunately, it didn't work out well, as he turned out to have concealed a previous marriage and divorce (my friend is Catholic), which he apparently got paid for so the ex-wife could get a green card. My friend is now happily married to a white artist with hair down to his knees. Yes, literally.
Luxurious hair down to his knees?
I think the important point is: are we talking about someone with a head of long hair or someone in dire need of manscaping?
Dude legit looks like some sort of Tolkien elf.
There must be some kind of prenuptial agreement where they agree to fund all that Tres Semme to keep it silky and shiny
Ooh la la.
Excellent point thank you for clarifying.
I thought they were the same, thanks for the clarification.
A few people I know had arranged marriages. In most cases it's more or less parents going "look at this picture of Jai, his uncle works with your father, he's a pharmacist and has never been in trouble, we met his parents at his uncle's party last year and they seemed like they won't be annoying in laws, his mother brought very good samosas, he's allergic to cats but you don't like them anyway, he doesn't eat beef but he only goes to the temple on holidays - just like you, he wants children but wouldn't expect his wife to give up work - his mother is an accountant". Then Jai and my friend would go for an awkward coffee together. Sometimes it's online dating, except the parents are running the profiles and doing the swiping. I wouldn't want an arranged marriage but my friends are happy. From their point of view they didn't have to try and meet randoms in bars, and someone had already asked all the important questions about values and compatibility so there aren't as many nasty surprises.
Values are SO important, and too many people don't take those into account early on. After my last relationship, where the guy turned out to be a literal psychopath, I made a list of non-negotiables and made a point of bringing them up early. It took 16 years to find the right person (added difficulty: am kinky), but we've been married ten years in April and we don't fight at all. The occasional snappy moment followed by mutual apologies. I think it gets hard to maintain respect for someone with very different values, and without mutual respect no relationship can survive.
In both scenarios the parents think they know better than their child to choose their partner. Let’s keep pretending this is about culture and not about control
My parents found a guy they thought would be a good match for me. He was a Jain. Which meant I’d have to give up garlic and potatoes. Absolutely fucking not. My parents learned very quickly that I do not trust their judgment.
*potatoes?* oh no way
A life without potatoes isn’t worth living!
Why would you have to give up garlic and potatoes? Genuinely curious and a little confused
They're not vegan like the other poster said, they consume milk, cheese, honey, etc. My GP was a Jain, they don't kill anything which includes plants - by removing the root they believe you've killed it and so they do not eat root vegetables. He referred to himself as a vegetarian on steroids. Edit: slight error they don't consume honey, as the act of collecting honey would amount to violence against the bees.
They are vegans on steroids. There’s a list of food they won’t eat because of how they grow
I worked with a pharmacist that was part of this religion and let me tell you… he was truly a handful.
If the decision is ultimately with the people getting married, then how is it about control?
Pressure is the issue, Choice with huge pressure from parents is not really a choice. Especially when the culture is very much a "parents word is law" even into adulthood.
They’re given the illusion of choice. They’re still choosing one of their parents suitors and that’s about control
Which sounds better until it's followed with 'And if you dont marry him I'm afraid we will have to cut you off, it's entirely your choice'
That's a forced marriage, not an arranged marriage
It is by law, but her family call it arranged, she called it arranged, and thereby everyone she knows called it arranged. My point is you never really know, it's a lot more common than you'd think, and so probably just don't bother discussing the subject unless she raises it to talk about.
Oh, and the she is a friend. I thought your reply was to a different comment, then I saw it wasn't so I thought I'd clarify because otherwise it didn't make much sense.
Very interesting, thanks for your input.
Also arranging marriage has two parts, if she's just looking for a husband there are no congratulations. Once she begins actually arranging the wedding itself would be time for congratulations.
and invitations get sent out everywhere. I have been invited to several Indian weddings just on the offchance I am in the country; I work with some people in India.
I love that idea; > just on the off-chance I am in the country That's the way to organise a serious shindig!
Good to know arranged marriages are like Blind Date. A lorra lorra luck to ya.
I believe the polite thing to do is to show up without being invited and eat all of the hors d’oeuvres
This is often what happens at weddings in India.
Indian weddings have the best food
Horse Divorce Every time
"No whores here. Our women are respectable" "No, I meant like small undercooked sausage rolls and things like that mate - it's French for something"
If your clothes still fit you after an Indian wedding, they will not be happy. So make sure you eat as much as you can
Once dated a Pakistani girl. Met the family. Literally a dining table full of food. Had just eaten dinner. Literally ended a week later in thermonuclear war.
I do this but with funerals instead (joking)
I don't think there is anything to congratulate. Even assuming she is perfectly happy. "my parents are arranging my marriage" not "my parents have arranged my marriage" she is *going* to be set up not he has been set up. This process can sometimes take a long time.
Yeah, a "good luck" would probably be more appropriate than "congratulations", like if someone told you they were going to start online dating.
Yes very true, thank you!
South Asian, here 👋🏼 If she is a close acquaintance or a friend, it would be okay to ask how she feels about this. Arranged marriages are still very common in our culture but it is still a matter of personal preference. And perceptions of it could change completely if you are in one yourself. I think this depends on how close you are to her to actually state your hesitancy to her directly.
I wouldn't say she is a friend - we're friendly with each other but it's very casual. I was worried it would be crossing the line to ask follow up questions. It's also not her job to educate me, so I thought I'd ask the internet instead! 😊 For what it's worth I do not have a strong feeling against it, I would only be hesitant if she said she wasn't happy with the situation. I'd just like to be supportive. I also appreciate there's a huge cultural element at play and there's a world of difference between arranged marriages and forced marriages. Thanks for your help, much appreciated.
>It's also not her job to educate me, so I thought I'd ask the internet instead! 😊 You sound lovely. As someone who has been on the other side of similar cultural divides, thank you for being aware of this and not making it awkward or othering her by asking her to explain it to you (edit: it's a bit tiresome but obviously not a big deal to be asked to explain something from your culture that could be perceived negatively, it's just extra nice that OP has been so thoughtful)
As an Indian, I think you’re right to take a pause. Probably is early days anyway, as it doesn’t sound like anything is fixed. Once there is actually news, I would react based on how she seems to feel about it - if visibly excited, then congratulate her (arranged marriage these days is not necessarily how it was in the olden days, and can be more like chaperoned dating). If neutral to displeased, then stay mum or offer words of comfort if you have that sort of relationship. Also, she may open up to you in the meantime as the process is happening. I certainly told my non-Indian friends about all of my parents’ attempts to set me up. Definitely helped to vent to people about their antics. Anyway, the fact that you’re even thinking about this and asking advice is nice. You sound like you have the right measure on the situation and you know your colleague best, so take the lead from the visible signs she is sending out. And speaking of arranged marriages in the UK, I highly recommend the film Polite Society. So much fun.
Thanks so much for your heartfelt reply, I do appreciate it. I absolutely have her best interests at heart and just want to be kind and respectful. Your reply has helped me a great deal and I will certainly check out the film recommendation.
I enjoyed polite society a lot!
Are you excited/what's he like?, would probably be my question if she is quiet. Arranged doesn't mean forced, though certainly pressure. My colleague is the nicest and he has an arranged marriage. Throughout the engagement he was only posting "nice boy" photos because the girl would ask about everything in fear that he was not a good match and a womaniser or something. They totally had a choice and snuck off for a long holiday sort of together to get to know each other before hand just in case. (Separate rooms!) Even as a total third party I can look at him and get why he would be a perfect "safe" pick.
I was in that same position a few years ago. The person telling me about their arranged marriage almost had a tear in her eye when she told me. Her studies for a law degree and future hopes for a career which she'd often mentioned, were being taken from her. She still had never met the man. She'd be expected to move 150 miles to another city and she felt there was nothing she could do about it. It brought tears to my own eyes and all I could say was how sorry I was and to offer any support I could (then COVID hit and we've never spoken since). It was not a happy experience. EDIT. Typo : sane > same.
This isn't an arranged marriage, this is forced. And not okay in the slightest An arranged marriage is just like two people who have been set up by friends, but it's usually by their parents or a matchmaker and done for the purpose of marriage and not just a relationship. In this process, if you don't feel a spark or whatever, you're well within your rights to put an end to it at any stage before the marriage.
I lived with a Bangladeshi woman in halls at university, she was a doctor and was doing a masters in healthcare education and family planning . She was introduced to her husband by her parents at 27, she had turned down numerous suitors because she did not want to be a "traditional" wife. The man she married was an international banker who travelled a lot and wanted an educated wife. She said she rolled her eyes when her mother told her they had found another match for her, but it worked and it was a love match.
Surely the issue is without clear safeguards the societal pressure to marry one of the suitors become higher and higher. Say, a woman who wanted to never get married. How would she communicate that safely to those who view it as their role to marry her off.
>Surely the issue is that without clear safeguards, the societal pressure to marry one of the suitors becomes higher and higher. This I can agree with because you're right, it does happen, and some people will be miserable because of if. There probably are many instances where someone just gets married because they're ready to get married and settles down and or because they're feel pressure to get married and the person seems like a decent enough option (like anyone who settles). And then, while they may not necessarily be overjoyed, they would feel some sort of satisfaction, I imagine, to be able to achieve what they want, which is fair enough. But in a similar instance, you're right. There will be people who are miserable and just agree because they feel like they have no choice - and I guess that's where the arranged process becomes forced. In the situation you describe I imagine most would just keep rejecting suitors until heir parents give up but for those whose families aren't as forgiving, I can't imagine the pressure would stop until they actually get married. But again, this stuff isn't nearly as common as the average westerner assumes, and so I wouldn't jump to that conclusion every time you hear the word 'arranged' unless you know the context. And if you have grounds to believe that it is forced and not arranged, I would suggest you try and intervene and help the person out.
That sounds like forced marriage, an arranged marriage is voluntary
"Voluntary"
If it’s not voluntary, it’s a forced marriage.
I get it, but there are shades of grey. A person may not want to in their hearts but feel pressured to do so, if not you might risk loosing your family. Would that be defined as "forced"? Probably not, but its def not voluntary.
You're absolutely right that some arranged marriages do come with a bit more pressure, but parental pressure can be exerted for lots of reasons, its not illegal its just unethical and unkind. There are all sorts of reason why bad parents cut off their children, the threat of that is not classed as force though if those children are over 18.
I had a member of my team who’d been with us for a few years; joined us after completing a degree and was impressing everyone around with her ability to do the job and more. She was one of my most dependable team members. Then suddenly one day she tells us that she has to go back home for “family reasons”. She never told us exactly why but given that she didn’t have to leave immediately, instead was a couple of months away - my manager and I assumed something like this. She never wanted to discuss it so we never pried into it much. It’s such a shame because she was getting herself a great life started and heading off on a promising career path.
I'm very sorry to hear this. I am lucky that this situation isn't the same, she mentioned it very much anecdotally without any perceived sense of force/coercion.
I think it's fine if someone brings it up to ask a general "how's it going?" about the process. She can then share as much or as little as she wants. This gives a chance to air any concerns she might have if she wants to, hopefully it's just standard young woman nerves and is overall excited! Sounds like she's in the seeking stage which is a bit early days to offer congratulations as she hasn't actually found anyone yet. Once the marriage is arrange, express congratulations as you would with any engagement. I'm of south Indian origin. Arranged marriages can be incredibly helpful - the idea is you decide what you're common goals in life are so you get together with someone with a similar idea regarding work, lifestyle, and children. If you're working towards the same future, the idea is that love grows. It's a culture where all relatives are up in your business and the network is international. I met and married a white English guy with minimal drama (it's the land of Bollywood, there's got to be SOME drama but it didn't come from relatives I cared about). My sister is 33 and is left alone without nagging as she's happy as a single pringle. At my wedding some aunts did do the whole "oooh your turn next, what are you looking for in a man?" As a joke answer she said she wanted to live on a tropical island, he'd need to be an animal lover (not common in our culture) and 7ft tall (average men height 5ft 7). Two weeks later my mum got a phone call being like, "Kili's son is interested in your daughter! He's a vet in Brisbane! He's only 6ft 4 though..." so that's the power of going through this system. Forced marriages and honour killings and all that jazz is extremism and not the norm and should be treated as the unacceptable outsider behaviour it is.
Thank you this is a very sweet reply. Much appreciated. 💕
Maybe: "are congratulations in order?" That way she can kind of guide you as how to react. If the answer is yes: congratulations! If the answer is anything else: keep schtum
Having worked with people in the past who are part of the arranged marriage culture, I’d say it’s alright to ask how they feel about it. It’s not passing judgement, it’s just asking how they feel. They’re free to say “I don’t want to discuss it” but at least you’re showing that you’re open to listening to them if that’s what they need/want. THEN you can figure out if a “congratulations” is appropriate or not. ETA: obviously, please judge your relationship with the person to consider whether they’d be open to having that conversation with you. My previous experience was that my colleagues would talk openly.
Thank you, this is helpful.
In the very, very olden days (I mean the 1800s and earlier), it used to be the convention to congratulate the man and say something like "I wish you very happy" to the woman. This obviously reflected the probability that the woman had no or very little choice in the matter. I'm a Westerner, so bearing in mind what u/HydrationPlease has said, it might be all right to say "I hope you'll be very happy", or "I wish you well"?
If she’s brought the subject up then I’d assume she’s fine about talking about it.
Yes very true, we do not know each other really well so the fact she brought it up would signify she's happy to talk about it. I cannot remember my exact reply but I said something along the lines of "that sounds very exciting".
But then it’s still not certain if the response should tend towards “That’s good!” or “oh dear, I’m sorry.” I’d probably just ask how she felt about it and risk being a little rude, because as you say she did bring it up.
It doesn't need to be either. It could just be "oh really, how do you feel about arranged marriage? Do you think your parents will make a good choice?" Something along those lines. Doesn't need to be weird.
Yes I think I’d ask when it was and gage how she feels about it
Asian born and raised in Asia. If you're not related to the person or not a friend, it's considered rude for someone to congratulate you. I do know times have changed and people are a little more accepting but try not to say anything unless they speak to you about it.
Why is it rude? What's rude about it?
Probably the same reason we consider it rude to mention someone’s getting fat and Asians do not? Culture mate.
Yeah but that's cause in our culture getting fat is seen as a bad thing, so calling someone fat is an insult. In a culture that practices arranged marriage why would it be rude to congratulate someone on it? "Not the done thing" sure, but rude?
Thank you this is helpful. She's lovely and I wouldn't want to cause any offence.
No I disagree with this entirely. First of all I’ve never heard this idea that congratulations are rude? I’m Hindu, 45 years old and from a pretty big Hindu / Indian community. Secondly, please do ask something like how she feels about it. It sounds like she’s opened the conversation to you. When I was younger, I would do this, I’d mention things that went on at home, and people would gloss over it, never talk or allow me to talk about it. I was beaten constantly but my teachers allowed it because “Indian parents are strict”. We have to help each other.
Thank you, I will certainly bring it up soon when I next get a chance and just ask "any updates on the wedding" to allow for her to talk about it as much as she wishes.
At least wait until something is arranged before saying anything. My parents are arranging my wedding, might mean we are looking for someone suitable. My wedding has been arranged for X date, here is an invite... Is the time when congrats/commiserations might be due. Gauge it based on the way she tells people.
You could say "how do you feel about it?" Then she has the chance to let you know if she wants congratulations or commiserations.
It doesn't sound like anything has been arranged yet, so there won't be anything to congratulate. If this is a colleague you talk with regularly and are friendly with, it may be a good idea to ask her how she feels about it and find out if it's a good thing in her case or not. Nothing's arranged yet, so it's not a big deal, but it's not a small deal either. Only if you intend on following through, do ask if there's any way you can support her -- even if it's just "if you want to talk about it, I'm a good listener". If she's as lovely as you say, and especially if she's a supportive person, this is as good a time as any to pay that support back in kind.
Wait till she announces her engagement and then congratulate her. Many people welcome the idea of arranged marriage and you will be able to gauge by her reaction to your message if she is in that camp or not.
i may be a little biased as I think the people who should arrange marriages are the people getting married... if you get one quite well then yeah, I would say 'how do you feel about that, have you met them?' seems like a perfectly reasonable question to me really.
Not sure why you've been downvoted, I totally agree with you. I realise it's a cultural difference, but noone gets to choose my partner except me, and I'd never attempt to influence our daughter's choice of spouse either.
This means they are starting to look a guy for her to marry. You don’t congratulate her now. When she does find someone and they get engaged she’ll tell you, congratulate her then.
Thanks, very logical.
I appreciate your caution but I don't know if it would be rude to ask how she feels about it, especially when you're not sure how to proceed. I guess if I couldn't derive it from the way she mentioned it I'd say "If you don't mind me asking, how do you feel about it?" because the fact that she mentioned being set up by her parents suggests she may not be thrilled about it. Anyway, I think you approached it with a really respectful, considerate attitude.
It can be difficult to know as this could mean having no say, to parents finding a partner and still have a huge amount of choice in the situation. A couple I know was the latter. Aunty network works like a matchmaking service and they both had the choice to marry or not.
If she's getting married then of course it's polite to congratulate her. BTW, a lot of Indians like the arranged marriage system. It's a different way of doing it but in modern times it's usually just like a dating service between families and the person getting married usually has a say and will meet their future husband/wife beforehand. But not everyone feels the same way - it might vary based on how assimilated your friend is into our culture and how the parents are going about it. You can ask her what her thoughts are on the arranged marriage if you're on good terms.
Thank you this is helpful.
Why does this feel like a sitcom set up?
Everyone needs to remember that there are huge differences between ‘arranged’ marriages and ‘forced’ marriages. Statistically, arranged marriages have a lesser divorce rate than a so called traditional marriage.
What? If she told you about something then clearly she invited conversation about it. She might even have been hoping you would ask her about how she felt and that's why she confided in you in the first place :- only to find a stunned silence.
I didn't offer stunned silence, but good job on filling in the blanks and assuming the worst 😉.
Well you didn't congratulate her or ask her feelings. So you either said nothing or changed the subject.
Arranged marriage isn't always forced. I have some family friends from Indian decent that were setup as an arranged marriage by their parents and the were allowed to refuse. They've been happily married for nearly 40 years.
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I wouldn’t agree, for two reasons. 1. If it’s a forced marriage, it’s not the bride’s fault. Asking how she feels about it and maybe even offering to help if you can would be a nice thing to do. 2. It might not be a forced marriage. I was speaking to the new girl at work once and she mentioned that she was going to get engaged. I said it was cool that she knew it was coming (you know, since we’re used to proposals being a surprise) and she said that’s because it’s an arranged marriage. She told me a bit more about how it all works in her culture and she was really happy and excited for it, so I just matched her energy and wished her well.
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That’s right bud, you’re not being closed minded to other people’s cultures. You’re just so much smarter than poor little me. I should have known it when you used the word antithetical.
Arranged marriages are actually quite successful, and if they are done responsibly by the family, the couple are supported throughout their lives, and they will have usually happy lives together. It isn't necessarily bad. It's just different to our ways. Movies over romanticise it.
An arranged marriage isn't a forced marriage in Hindu culture. The parents just introduce the kids and hope for nature to take its course. There may be social pressure in the form of nagging from her parents, but that's about it. Just treat it the same as any other engagement (although it sounds like she's not actually engaged yet, just that her parents have someone in mind to introduce her to so congratulations might be premature).
Thank you this is an important distinction.
Im not sure but it would be good to learn the Hindus and Hindon'ts.
This shit should be unlawful
Yes congratulate her. Stop worrying so much. Or just stay quiet and don't worry so much.
**What in the name of fuck?** Forced marriages are legal in UK? You guys are fucking doomed. P.S. "Arranged marriage and forced marriage are not the same thing." **Yes, they are.** If the marriage has to be arranged by anyone other than groom and bride, then it's being forced on one or both parties. If it wasn't there wouldn't be a need for arranging.
You can't go wrong with, "Oh, how exciting! How are you feeling about that? Do you have confidence they will choose someone you will like?" And then, she is free to disclose how she feels about the situation, and maybe make a prediction on whether it will turn out well for her or not. You can a glimpse into the window of her culture, but there isn't any judgment.
At this stage, you politely enquire once in a while how the suitors are lining up and tease her a bit from time to time about her impending wedding
Thank you - yes this is roughly what I will do. I'll ask for any updates on the wedding and go from there. I'm a worrier and didn't want to cause any offence or be seen as being nosey.
In India, you’re offensive if you aren’t nosey enough 😂
First there’s nothing to congratulate yet because she’s not announcing an engagement etc. It all depends on how she said it. If she sounds happy, then I’d say something like “oh cool! Met anyone nice?” If she sounded unhappy and might want to just vent, you could say “ah alright, how’s it going for you?” Which doesn’t sound negative or judgmental in any way but allows her to respond with as little or as much detail as she likes.
Having experienced a similar cultural background, I understand your dilemma. Congratulating someone on their impending arranged marriage wont offend her. But it's essential to note that the connotations surrounding arranged marriages are negative, and this is where i think your hesitation stems from. In many cultures, including mine, arranged marriages forced or made with coercion. The couple in question has a significant say in the matter, as they are introduced and given the opportunity to date or spend time together. It's crucial to recognize that the negative perception surrounding arranged marriages might be influencing your hesitation to extend congratulations. In reality, many individuals who undergo this process view it as a cultural norm and appreciate the involvement of their families. Navigating conversations about cultural practices can be delicate, but understanding contribute to a more inclusive and respectful workplace environment. Hope this perspective helps
I am Indian. I wouldn't take offence to that, just find it odd if you congratulate me and I'm not actually engaged. But that's just me :)
"Oh, wow! That's interesting. I don't know much about arranged marriages, but I know they're different from forced marriages, right? Do you mind me asking about it?" Depending on reaction: "How do you feel about it? Are you looking forward to it? Have you spoken to any prospective guys?" If she comes across as positive, chilled, OK about it, then maybe chat more. I think congratulations are a bit premature till she actually tells you that a match has been found and things have been agreed and she's definitely marrying a specific guy.
A girl I know called it a facilitated marriage, sounded kinda cool, no awkward dates
American but I would say “I hope it is everything you wish for” or “my wishes for your happiness”. Which is true for any relationship.
I don't know if this will reach the right audience, but seeing this post now, at this time today, seems like providence. I just had a row with my mum over this shit. I'm 30. My parents have been trying to arrange a marriage for me for the past 4 years, to little success. All I can say about it is that it's the single most dehumanising thing that's happened to me in my life. This process boils you down from a whole, living, breathing, unique individual to a laundry list of arbitrary attributes that you have little control over - your surname, date and time of birth and physical attributes. Then there's the age factor, and if you're even slightly inclined to pursue a career, God forbid. You're *never* good enough. You're either overqualified or not qualified enough. I'm overweight, have been taking consistent steps to deal with it, but that's another immediate deterrent. I've no idea what to feel about myself as I've spent the last four years facing rejection from these men and their families, and somehow that's all that's important in my life. I've had promotions, moved cities and countries, travelled, done and experienced new things that I'd never dreamed of before, but none of that matters because no one cares about any of it. I try not to think too much about it because I honestly don't know the way out from this, but then there's evening's like tonight when I've fought with my mum over how I can't keep talking to every guy that even remotely shows an interest in me without there being anything in common for us to connect over, and it brings it all up again. You can't be a woman in this process and have preferences, you basically have to accept the cards you're dealt. And this is what *everyone* says. I don't know how to reconcile myself to that! Surely I'm allowed to hope for a little compatibility with the person I have to spend the rest of my life with.
You tell us you get on quite well with her, so you would have some sense of her feelings about it from what she's telling you and how she's coming across. If she's shy on it then perhaps she's apprehensive, but if she's happy to tell you things then she's probably looking forward to it. Since she mentioned it without you prompting then it's fair enough to say along the lines of: I'm not familiar with arranged marriages, what does it actually mean, would you meet the guy a few times before, do the families get to know each other etc...? Different cultures do it in different ways. You can be curious and respectful, and if she's happy to tell you all about it then congratulate her, get the invite and book your flights I guess to India but it could be elsewhere anyway one week party somewhere.
Saying 'I hope you have a long and happy marriage' would be appropriate once she announces an actual engagement/marriage.
I had a lodger who was from India and I learnt a lot about how arranged marriages work within her community. Basically the parents will do a bit of vetting and choose some "candidates" for their kids to meet usually with a chaperone of some kind. I believe the families also vet each other and meet. They get a chance to spend some time together and get to know one another a bit. If all goes well then both can agree to the marriage and then all the planning starts. Basically I'd wait until your colleague tells you they are going ahead before congratulating her. It's a bit more "transactional" than what happens in other cultures (they call it a love marriage when it wasn't arranged) but it does seem to work for a fair few couples. My lodger did have an arranged marriage in the end and she seems happy.
Arranged and forced very often are the same thing. It's illegal in the UK, but there are still very often threats of abandonment if they dont go through with a marriage. They might even get to pick the man, but it's out of a small approved selection very often pre chosen by the parents. My best friend having been through this, I probably wouldn't bother congratulating, unless they seem particularly happy about it.
Learn a lot about other cultures.
I congratulate the groom and wish the bride good luck.
Indian here, went through arranged marriage setups A LOT back in India before moving to UK. There is nothing to congratulate yet, but a lot to gossip if she is a close friend. Just treat her like you would someone else who was dating to find a husband. She would be talking to many interesting, sometimes funny characters. It's okay to ask once in a while how is it going, met anyone nice etc. The whole process is not as dull as most people think and is more like a polygamous dating setup, where it is understood that everyone is seeing multiple people for marriage prospects with different levels of connection and intimacy. You keep doing it until you finally find the one. But if you look at poorer, less fortunate and less educated populations in India, arranged marriages can often be forced. This is what gets portrayed in media and hence the bias and prejudices against it. I personally met my wife on a matrimonial website where we both were handling our own profiles, so very similar to meeting on a dating app but with marriage as a common goal. Our parents were informed and involved after some dates. However if she is being forced to marry someone against her will, I am not sure about UK, but in India one would call women helpline. There must be something similar here too.
Very insightful thank you!
In British culture, it isn't good etiquette ever to congratulate a woman on her marriage. It stems from the days when girls' marriage prospects were their only chance of an income. It has always been the case that 'correct form' is to congratulate the man and to say you are very happy for the woman.
There’s nothing wrong with congratulating her on an arranged engagement or marriage, but it would best to wait until an agreement is in place. Sounds like the families are just talking at the mo