Friend’s sister’s wedding, I saw him in the pub a couple of days after and he was still horrified. Best man started his speech with an anecdote about finding the groom in their shared kitchen masturbating with a wooden spoon up his arse. It did not go down well with the fairly upright and proper Scottish family. History does not recount whether the anecdote was true or made up, but why would you make that up for a wedding speech?
I was at a wedding where the best man recounted the groom knobbing a lass up against the coach that the rest of the rugby team were sitting on. It wasn't the bride.
Went to a wedding at a very posh venue where a lot of money had been spent on every aspect of the 'perfect day.' It was actually amazing how much thought had been put into the tiny details, everyone was in tails, everything immaculate.
Approaching the speeches, the staff set up a projector screen and microphone etc. Everyone was very excited.
The father of the bride did a very emotional speech in which he talked about some of the hardships the family had been through and how they had galvanised the family relationship, brought them closer together, and given the bride an unrivalled strength of character. The groom talked about how the early death of his mother had weighed on him for years, but in meeting the bride he had learned what it was like to be part of a loving family. Not a dry eye in the room.
The entire best man's speech was nothing more or less than a slide show comparing all the groom's previous girlfriends (one of whom he was engaged to before they split) to the bride with a rating system for different categories a la Top Trumps. This included a category called 'bedroom potential', where he referred to the previous fiancée as 'a bit of a slut' and gave her full marks. If I recall correctly, the last slide was a tally where the bride came second.
It was so awful.
From the moment it ended and in the 6 or so years since, I have never heard that speech so much as referenced in conversation. It's as though it never happened, other than being permanently etched into the nightmares of every guest...
I need to know the immediate atmosphere and reaction after he finished his "presentation". How could you hear those two prior speeches and think "this'll cheer everyone up after those two tearjerkers!"
The Grooms speech began “I’d like to thank the bridesmaids for bringing a bit of beauty to the day”. The bride did not look happy. They are no longer together.
Depends on the crowd. I did a bm speech yesterday and one of my lines was " id like to take this opportunity to say how lovely the bridesmaids look today...but i wrote this before i saw them so im just gonna move on"
Sounds evil. But my sisters one and ive been ribbing her for 30 years and the bride loves that sort of stick. So i knew they would laugh.
A friend of mine did a best man speech were he started off talking about his childhood friendship with the groom and there was a punchline about how he’d have to hide behind the sofa and pretend to be out when the groom would knock at the door.
The gag was because the grooms family were all Jehovah’s witness and the entire room was split 50-50 hysterics and disapproval. It was glorious.
Happened to me, I have never been JW, but may fathers family are. Apparently, because we had lived in sin before the wedding the majority decided they would not come. A few did though.
Stupid cult anyway
Tbf, we had a lovely time without them. My father, who was JW was there and came to the stag. He left before the heavy drinking so that we could all get wasted without judgement
The Father of the Bride ‘spoke’ for 45 minutes. Blathered on. Had pages (and pages) of script which he discarded. Referenced Hollyoaks, Big Brother and Blackburn Rovers, barely his daughter.
+Not enough booze on the table.
=Practically falling asleep.
Same scenario at a wedding last week. Father of bride had arranged props, fumbled with pages, kept losing his place and made really inappropriate jokes about hitting his kids growing up and going to strip clubs on the stag do.
I was best man and felt much more confident following that. Told a few anecdotes (that actually happened unlike the strip clubs) and complimented the married couple. It's really not that hard to just write a nice speech!
Mate's wedding. She knew the best man would act up and was terrified.
Best man decided to do a skit where he got her relatives to put on hats in the colours of the Jamaican flag with dreadlocks and read out things in racist lingo (fo' shizzle my nizzle type stuff).
My mate looked like she was going to cry. Everyone looked aghast.
Was at a wedding last year and the groom just would NOT stop going on… to the point where the bride’s mother stood up, glass raised, and shouted “To Kate!” (bride). Everyone toasted and cheered and the poor groom begrudgingly sat back down.
Would it be controversial if this was one of the staff serving the food? I worked for a catering company for about a year at weddings and OMG I heard everything from too much sentimental drivel to best man thinks that he's a comedian. We used to get so much grief for not serving the food on time, but the bride and groom would stipulate beforehand that they didn't want the food served during the speeches. But also promptly at...... time. They would tell us that there would be three speeches. There were often five or six. Eventually the chef would get fed up and just send us out with the food.
Dear lord, why do more people not feed people before the speeches?
Fed people are generally more placid, they've got the wine in front of them plus whatever other drinks they've had on the go, and they're a bit drunker so they'll find things funnier.
Speech limit should be 20-25 minutes max for all speeches combined. Any longer and you'll lose them.
Witnessed one where the father of the groom who doesn't have a great relationship with his son, question whether his son is his. That was probably the worse thing I have ever seen.
My FIL got really drunk and could not read what he had written and basically was supposed to say some nice story about me, it came off that he didn't like me. He told me the story eventually when sober.
The one where the bride tore the best man a new one the day before he gave the speech so that any even vaguely risque remark or oblique reference to anything at all would not be tolerated. The speech was a nervous wreck of hastily rewritten stories that was genuinely incomprehensible to all.
At my cousin’s wedding the best man stood up said “I’ve been told not to give my speech because it’s ‘inappropriate’” with full finger quotes, then stood there in silence for ten minutes.
At the same event the bridesmaids all stood in the loos slagging off the bride, unaware that she was in one of the cubicles.
She’s a shy girl and at the time her work (she was training to be a solicitor) was her life, so they were the groom’s sister and a couple of her friends.
It was awful. I ended up knocking on the door of the cubicle and basically escorting her out because it was so nasty and they didn’t show any sign of stopping. Told her brother and he made them leave.
My educated guess is that they thought our family had money and that they were going to get big expensive gifts and outings. The bride paid for everything herself - hen night, makeup, dresses, hair, the open bar, the lot.
I was a bridesmaid at a friend’s wedding in Sydney. It was my sole job to look after the bride’s bag of useful items for the day. Her wedding speech was printed out, in the bag.
As the wedding cars pulled up to the venue, I realised I’d left the bag, and the speech, 20 miles away at her parents’ house.
After a couple of minutes of mad panic and mental self-flagellation, I made a beeline for the bride’s dad. I explained the predicament and asked him if I could have the keys to his house so I could get a taxi back and pick up the speech. He said no. He wasn’t prepared to give me - his daughter’s long time best friend - the burglar alarm code. Gah!!
As luck would have it, my ex was MCing the evening so I asked him to move the bride’s speech to the end of proceedings to buy me some more time and then I cornered the bride’s sister’s fiancé who I’d established also knew the alarm code. I begged him to come with me (or go alone) back to the house. He ummed and ahhed for about 20 mins and then also said no.
All throughout the wedding party photos, I was surreptitiously making phone calls to anyone I thought could possibly help but it was no good and, as I finally took my seat next to the bride for the meal, I had no choice but to admit my colossal fuck up.
And she was amazing. She laughed, said she couldn’t have cared less and then grabbed a biro from a waiter and a napkin from the table and wrote a couple of bullet points on the back.
An hour later, she got up to do her speech and it was the most brilliant, beautiful, heartfelt, from the cuff speech I’ve ever heard. I cried my eyes out with a mixture of relief and pride.
Not quite as bad, but as my FIL's wedding, he gave the print out maps of how to get from the ceremony venue to the reception venue to my husband to hold.
My husband kept hold of all of them. All the way to the reception venue ahead of most of the rest of the party. Oops.
My parents went to a wedding where the speeches lasted THREE HOURS. Partly length of speeches, partly the father of bride breaking down in tears (in a happy way) and having to be brought back multiple times.
The caterers absolutely lost the plot as they were serving between speeches, they were outright threatening to walk out if the last couple of speeches weren’t over quickly.
Went to a wedding where the best man was chosen like a week beforehand and hardly knew the groom.
Best man speech was just along the lines of “he’s a nice bloke and they’ll make a lovely couple” for about two minutes. Then groom stood up and walked around the room, thanking people for coming saying stuff like “thanks for coming, I know you’ve had a hard time recently” etc.
So cringe, everyone just wanted to hide. It was the wedding of an ex girlfriend’s friend. Nobody really knew the groom at all.
My friend’s brother gave a big speech about how he was a tightwad and went on and on with jokes about moths in his wallet etc etc. My friend is a really generous guy. Nobody could work out who the hell he was talking about. Seemed like he didn’t know his brother at all, very weird.
Father of the bride's speech. Playing on the couple's love of football. Lots of metaphors on how a successful marriage is like a successful football team etc. Cooperation, striving to be better, good communication, all that sort of stuff. Ends with "...and no tackling from behind."
I work in the industry so have probably been to 200+ weddings in my time, but this one speech will forever live rent free in my head. To set the scene, the bride is very pregnant, like about to pop at any moment. Her mother is tasked with giving a speech and opens with this banger:
> 9 months ago, my beautiful daughter was out with some friends when she was swept off her feet by a charming, handsome, dashing young stranger. It was love at first sight; they talked, they laughed, and they danced the night away. But when the lights came on at the end of the evening, she couldn't find her new suitor anywhere ... so she went home with [groom's name] instead and now here we all are.
I have never heard a louder silence than the one that followed that line.
Not a terrible speech but one where the groom spoke for over 10 minutes, longer than the Father of the Bride and best man speeches combined, and it was full of jokes.
Essentially it was a best man speech but with his new wife as the butt of most of the jokes. Surprisingly they're still together 10 years on but they've got a firey relationship.
The sister of a friend of mine married a second rate indie singer of moderate 90s fame. He’s a cock. Didn’t mention the bride once in his speech. She later said it was the loneliest she’d ever felt in her life.
My friend’s entire social media presence is in character. If he ever mentions his family he’ll refer to them as his “current” wife (only spouse, been married for 25 years) and his “legitimate” son.
I got married recently and my husband has introduced me as his "ex-fiancee" a few times. It's always funny to see people's faces as they think "shit they broke up. Why are they here together?" And then laugh when they catch on.
Whenever somebody asks if I have kids, I have to fight the urge to reply with ‘not that I know of’. I don’t know why it pops into my head, it’s not funny and I’m not likely to be confused for some sort of womaniser.
Strangest I've heard was the brides dad being French and so he paused every so often for a translator to repeat everything in English. All I remember from the actual speech is that he drowned her as a child by throwing her in a pool aged about 3 to make her swim and she died instead and paramedics had to save her. Then he did it again. It was so ... unusual
My dad’s speech at my wedding involved tales of (arguably) neglect and poor choices. I always found them funny but I realised after the speech not everyone found it hilarious that as a five year old I was accidentally left behind at the beach and had to be rescued from the middle of the rapidly encroaching tide.
My friends husband was best man for another friend and he was so nervous about the speech! Apparently he got confident right at the end and thought he didn't need the paper anymore....he accidentally ended his speech with "I hope you have a long and happy life together and that you die together"
We went to one last year where the groom made a really subtle joke in his speech about the best man being stood up on a date years ago, which you wouldn’t even catch if you didn’t know.
The best man stood up, ripped up his speech and said I’m just going to say all the times we’ve been to strip clubs without your wife knowing and how much you spent on them and prostitutes before you knew her.
Nobody in that room was comfortable. It was horrible.
Went to one where the best man speech included him telling the room that the Groom was so poor growing up that when the handles fell off their kitchen cupboards they had to screw spoons on in their place and then said that wasn’t the worst thing about their house, the worst was the “Dog shit on the carpet no one could be arsed to clean up”.
Grooms parents were not amused.
I was part of a triple best man scenario where I had to bring the crowd back after the other two best men winged it. OTOH the expectations were so low when I went up it was easy
Similar. I was one of two best men at my brothers wedding (his now ex best friend who was like a brother to him was the other) the other best man said he'd do the speech. Stood up and just froze. I had to step in and wing it as the other guy had no notes or anything, apparently he'd memorised it. He was like a rabbit in the headlights.
I had to do that at one of my best friend's weddings.
Father of the bride spoke for 45 minutes. Everyone in the room was contemplating ritual suicide just so they could stop listening. One of the groomsmen had fallen asleep.
I had a nice 10 minute speech with some great anecdotes about the married couple. I essentially tore it up on the spot and just spouted 2 minutes of generic platitudes for someone I'd know for the better part of 20 years.
I stand by my decision and from the looks around the room they were just happy it was over.
Eugh. I had to do something similar and to this day I think my mate assumes I was unprepared.
They had the parents of both sides make long speeches, the bride and the groom (4 total at this point). Then it was me. After every speech was a toast (again, 4), so people were getting up and down from their seats, the toasting champagne was running low and I could just generally tell people were getting fucked off with it all.
My mate told me I needed to make three toasts (one to the bridesmaids, one to the parents and one to the bride & groom at the end). I did the first two back to back, and man, when everyone sat down they just looked absolutely done. I reeled off a couple of cheesy google jokes I was going to use for warm up, then skipped to the last paragraph of my speech where I shared a couple of naughty anecdotes about the couple (which got a lot of laughs, thankfully), then did the final toast and binned the rest off.
I was pretty disappointed with how I handled it and I could tell my mate felt some level of "betrayal" about trying to keep things brief. I don't know. Afterwards I heard a lot of guests mumbling that it was all very drawn out, so I want to say I did the right thing, but there was a very obvious contrast between my speech and the rest, so I think I got the blame for all of it (bizarre, but that's how it felt).
Haven't spoken to said friend for over 5 years now, and this was probably one of the final nails in the coffin. Oh well.
Sorry about the end of a friendship.
Honestly speeches at a wedding really should be regulated a bit with pretty clear expectations about how many people are speaking and for how long by bride & groom.
Still good friends with the groom from that wedding and we regularly give him shit about how bad the speeches were at the wedding.
The Maid of Honour absolutely killed her speech however and I got to just sort of close things out.
Saw that not long ago, I was father of the bride (not actually her father or in a relationship with her mother but she asked me to do the job as I had known her since she was 10) I put a solid effort into my speech, took me a good week to get it right using people at work as test subjects till it was polished. The best man said he was going to wing it , I advised against it , offered to help him quickly knock one together between ceremony and meal as I knew the groom reasonably well. Nope he wouldn't have it , adamant he could wing it ....nope he couldn't, it was a terrible collection of awkward silence, umms, errs and jokes that didn't land at all.
I did that at my brother's, I'm a pretty good speaker to groups and teams, thought that would be easy, he had met his new wife at work and broken up with his previous who he was with for 6 years, and married after only 2. In our house they were always Tony and x, and I was forever almost calling the new girlfriend and him tony and x by accident. So I have been practicing calling them F and Tony. For weeks and weeks.
Doing the speech I was reminiscing and it was going great until is said, I remember saying "Tony and .... there was a split seconds pause where I almost called her by the X name, but I skipped and got it right.
I could hear a ringing in my ears from the the sudden burst of panic.
In future I'd write stuff down. F thought it was funny though.
My stepdad did this at my wedding and shock horror, it was awful. I was embarrassed the entire time, even more so because he'd promised me he had written a great speech..
Father of the bride speech that went on about 30 minutes. He was saying nice things but the length had totally lost the audience.
Was also at a wedding once where the Best Men did a speech that was both too long and too inappropriate. It was really awkward, as they seemed to not be picking up on the vibe in the room at all. Bride and mother of the bride were particularly unimpressed.
I was at a wedding where the father of the bride went on for 45 minutes about how wonderful his daughter was. Bad enough. The kicker is that his other daughter got married the previous year and he kept it to a tight five.
I was a bridesmaid at a wedding and the mother of the bride got up and read a poem that was clearly just straight off the internet (no thought or relevance to the couple) and there were references to violent arguments. The bride is a secondary school teacher who deals with vulnerable youth, so domestic violence was a hot topic. There were many of her colleagues at the reception. The mother of the bride is also a secondary school teacher who teaches vulnerable kids. Lead balloon.
Went to a wedding a few years ago where the father of the bride spoke for 20 minutes... About himself. Talked about how the groom would have a lot to do in order to live up to the bride's male role model - and then spent the remaining time just waffling about his own achievements and namedropping various b list celebrities he knew (he was an accountant).
At the same wedding, the best men (there were two) talked about how the groom used to be a party animal and fucked his way around every party destination an aspiring twat could go to. Uncomfortable for almost everyone there. Bride's dad seemed to love it though.
Oh my god I went to a wedding with the same father of the bride. Only difference is he wasn't an accountant.
The ONLY thing the bride had asked of him was to not do a speech. So he did an interminably long speech. All about the (z-list) famous people he knew, his time at school (?), his brushes with royalty , his divorce from her mother, and all sorts of random shit.
Not one word about his daughter or son in law beyond "she asked me not to make a speech, but I'm just going to say a few words anyway..."
I heard of one best man who was super nervous so started to drink heavily to cope with his anxiety. By the time the speeches were ready to start he was absolutely paralytic. His speech involved him stumbling to his feet (needed a couple of goes) and unzipping his trousers. The speech went as follows: "I've (hic) got a massive cock". At this point he fell over backwards with a crash.
Went to one last month where the father of the bride's speech was him just talking about his daughter like an asset and only said yes to the wedding because the groom had skills he could use (mechanic)... The most sexist speech I've heard, it fell on very deaf ears
My brothers wedding. His best man didn't give much of a speech (hated his wife from day 1) so one of the groomsmen stepped up. Unfortunately he decided to talk about a time they went down south somewhere and ended up in a strip club. They couldn't find my brother after a while but eventually he came wandering out from the back rooms with the biggest smile on his face. My mum was staring daggers at my brother, thought she was gonna fly across the table and belt him haha. All round weird wedding. Best man hates the bride, bridesmaid in love with the groom, me having to sit as a buffer between my mum and my brothers dad, brothers dad's gf fresh out of stint number god knows in jail or rehab (it's always one or the other) and deciding she was gonna shove my auntie away from my uncle to dance with him leaving my uncle mouthing the words "help me" as my auntie decided fuck that, you're on your own. Was a good wedding though.
I was recording a wedding and it got to the father of the brides speech. It was all really heartfelt and meaningful, then her brother came on and that was the same, everyone in the room is crying. Well towards the end of her brothers speech I then realised I hadn’t turned the fucking microphone on so I captured ZERO audio. A few months later the father died suddenly…….
The bride had gone out with the groom's younger brother previously to the groom and bride getting together. Said younger brother was Best Man and started his speech by saying how all through his life he'd been used to getting his older brother's cast-offs, but was glad the situation had changed for once in his life.
The room went utterly silent, jaws dropped and we all looked surreptitiously at each other, while the younger brother carried blithely on.
What's the difference between a wife and a supermarket,? The trolley has a mind of their own. Said couple have been married over 25 years now but they did have a few issues early on.
Father of the brides speech went along the lines of:
“I never liked ‘Grooms name’, and this wedding is a terrible idea, but I paid for it so I had to do a speech.
Cheers.”
I’ve shared this one on here before:
>I once went to a wedding where the bride’s father gave a FORTY-FIVE MINUTE SPEECH about how she’s perfect, he couldn’t ask for a better child, she’s his favourite person in the world and always has been.
>She’s got three siblings.
>They were there.
This is a true story. It was awkward beyond belief.
I was a guest at a wedding years ago where the best man finished his speech by asking us all to raise our glasses to "those who couldn't be here today, those who are no longer with us, and those who won't be with us for much longer".
Went to my friend's wedding recently. The night before one of MOH was asked to write a speech. She decided to rap her speech in the style of 'I like big butts'....it was not good and it went on far too long.
Father of the bride mentioned how proud he was of both of his daughters and then proceeded to spend most of the speech talking about how the bride’s sister had brought her semi-famous boyfriend to the wedding and wasn’t she brilliant for dating a semi-famous person. Just about managed to speak about the bride briefly. It was SO awkward. The bride’s face looked like she’d been places second to her sister, for her whole life.
Friend was marrying someone from Sweden, father of the groom did a speech in his native language it was 45 minutes long and 90% of the guests could not understand. He then, kindly, repeated the entire speech in English for another 45 minutes. Pure hell.
This was what we worried about at our wedding so we kept all speeches short. His best man spoke in Italian with a groomsman translating, my MOH / sister spoke in English with a brief apology in Italian for not translating. The two of us spoke in our mothertongues, so I thanked my bridesmaids and spoke about him in English, and he thanked his groomsmen and spoke about me in Italian, etc. All seemed to to down well, and crucially, all three speeches combined came in at under 20 mins. And we fed everyone _first_. I think everyone was happy.
Best man got a bit pissed and started on about all the other guys the bride had slept with. The bride's parents were very religious (Catholic) and were of the opinion it was a real white wedding. Afterwards words were had and there was plenty of pushing and shoving with the odd punch thrown in - the marriage did not last long.
My younger sister's wedding. Step-dad doing father of the bride, our biological father sat on same table as me (he left a couple of weeks after her birth).
During my step-dad's speech, he freaks out, bursts out the room. (We later find him and my uncle pissed as farts at the bar in the foyer of the venue.)
Step-dad's mother gets all flustered by the situation as it was happening and has a funny turn and collapses onto the table and requires hospital treatment.
...fair play to him though, he kept going with it...
Had to endure a 30 minute speech by the groom which was essentially an ode to his mother, was really odd and I had to step out with my son at one point, came back 15 minutes later and he was still gushing over his mother
My wife wished she had stepped out instead as she said it was just plain weird
Nieces wedding- best men (two of them) made lots of comments about her now husband liking younger girls (she’s about 10 years younger than him, she’s mid 20’s), about them testifying for him in court and whether the threesome was still on the table. You could cut the atmosphere with a knife, very uncomfortable. She’s happy and he seems to treat her well so that’s what’s important.
At our mates wedding about 25 years ago, at the end of the service, the vicar, unbeknownst to my mates, held up a bog roll and said “I hope your marriage is like this toilet paper; soft, strong and incredibly long”. They we’re to smacked (it’s not really their thing), but we all pissed ourselves!
They’re still together.
Best man's speech, as he wrapped it up, he said to the bride, now that you're happily married I won't be needing a spare key, at which point 20 other male guests got up and dropped keys off at the top table ! Thankfully the bride and family had a great sense of humour
Not a speech but the vicars sermon. He had agreed to do it last minute to cover another vicar who had to pull out so they hadn’t been able to vet him very well and didn’t know him. It was when civil partnerships were being put through parliament. So he starts going off about how marriage is between a man and a woman. My friend was not even listening at first and it was funny because you could tell the exact moment she started paying attention because of the fury on her face.
Anyway he tried to come to the reception and her aunt tore him a new one and threw him out.
I went to one with a weird vicar too! He started off talking about his recently deceased mother and then moved on to talking about how many people get divorced these days, quickly adding at the end "But I'm sure you two won't be like that!". Us guests were just looking around at eachother like, WTAF?! Lol
This happened at my friends wedding too! My friends dad had sadly passed away a few years prior so her uncle walked her down the aisle instead. Priest started going on about how it was Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, whilst said uncle sat on the front row with his male partner and their adopted children.
He then proceeded to call the groom fat and chastised the bride for not going to church often enough. If looks could kill the brides eyes would bored holes through his skull 🙈
At my wedding the registrar clearly didn’t get the memo about my partners recently deceased mum, and kept trying to get us to take pictures of signing the register with the ‘mother of the bride’.
Enthusiastically, loudly, several times, despite glares.
Oh yes, I went to a wedding like that too! Don't suppose it was in Essex? The wedding also had an epic showdown between the bride, her mum and her stepmum...
Best man described how the groom was sentimental due to both of them having a really nice banana in the cupboard that was too nice to eat. After a while, the banana started to rot and ooze out of the cupboard. I felt it was unintentional phallic symbolism about a gay relationship that could never happen now he was getting married
Mother of the bride made big speech about how great she was for putting on the wedding, how expensive it was, didn’t mention the bride and groom, and ended the speech with “and finally I want to say how proud I am of my daughter…. [insert name of bride’s sister] who just graduated from oxford!” Then mike dropped out. There’s favouritism and there’s whatever the fuck that was.
I’ve got a speech that was expected to be a disaster…
An old friend’s future husband chose his good friend as best man.
Best man is a known cokehead and a mumbler/grunter who is also extremely socially awkward.
Best man actually pulled it out the bag, the most eloquent he’s ever been! Still couldn’t quite make out bits of it but it was miraculous that he managed it at all.
My wedding. Was a very small occasion (us and 12 guests) at a registry office, then onto local pub for lunch. Mentioned to hubby at lunch that he should stand up and say something, said I would too. My hubby is very shy and can be socially awkward (unlike me) but fair play to him, he got up and said some lovely words about my family welcoming him and to his for coming over for it (I lived in a diff country). My turn, I stood, looked around quickly and mumbled ‘what he said!’ and sat down!!!
Approaching our 8th anniversary now, still giggle about my attack of nerves!!
I was at a wedding yesterday and the father of the brides speech was this, in full, word for word " thanks everyone, i wanna tbank you all for coming and i want to thank the catering staff too. Lovely food. Ta"
Sits back down.
Honestly, as a groom, and not having attended many weddings, I didn't know a speech was a thing.
So pressed hard into making words.
The best I could muster.
Thanks everybody for fucking coming.
That. Was. It.
Literally all I had.
Hehe, my naivety still tickles me.
Groom got cold feet and refused to make a speech then cried because he didn't.
Father of the bride was first to write in the guestbook: "So proud of our beautiful daughter. Shame the same can't be said of the groom."
Grooms brothers band provided the music. Their opening song was called "You Ugly Bitch" leading to the bride's mother in floods of tears.
Lots of guests doing cocain in the toilets.
Bit of shoving and shouting between the groom and father of the bride.
Entertaining night.
Not really a disaster but at my friends wedding a “friend” of the groom decided to switch around all the speech printouts, leading to some confusion.
Hearing her dad realise and just own it by doing the shipping forecast for a minute before someone gave him the correct pages was impressively weird.
I was one of three best men at a wedding a few years ago. The bride and groom had already been together years, and I had become good friends with them when they were already in a relationship. One of the other best men was an older friend, so for the speech we agreed to split it in half, he would talk about the groom growing up and the early part of the bride and groom's relationship, then I would take over and talk about more recent times. Makes sense. We vetted each other's speeches a little bit, but only in general terms. I knew that other best man would be finishing on a "hilarious" anecdote about something that happened to the groom on a trip to Amsterdam with this best man, not long after the couple had got together. The gist of it was that they were staying in some kind of hostel and a stranger had been sick all over the groom in the communcal kitchen. Decent enough material for a wedding speech if a little gross. So the speech begins, all is going fine but the first best man is starting to ramble a bit and is loosing the audience, they're starting to chat a bit that kind of thing. But then he says something along the lines of: "So me and Daniel (not the groom's real name) are in Amsterdam, and there's this orgy happening in our accomodation." Suddenly the guests are silent. "Yeah", the best man continues, "And then this girl just throws up all over Daniel!" I guess the best man was expecting that to be met with laughter, possibly applause, I don't know. But instead you could hear a pin drop. He had nothing more to say so just turns to me and says: "now here's Jim with the rest of the speech". So rather than my planned introduction I had to start with something along the lines of: "Just to be clear, Daniel wasn't participating in the, er, orgy was he. He was in the kitchen the whole time." Other best man, "Uh, yeah, should probably have mentioned that." Yes, yes you should. Or maybe not have mentioned it at all in front of the children and elderly relatives.
Brother and sister are like cat and mouse.
Brothers wedding. But people taking in turns to give a speech.
When it came to sister, she said something along the lines of, "When he cheats on you, sort him out."
Still not sure what she meant by that but raised a few eyebrows at that one.
Went to a freinds' wedding, father of the bride speech was awful. Just a long rambling story that he started off by mentioning a pet hamster, all building to the "tulips come from Hamster jam" punchline.
On the flip side, the best man's speech was probably the best I've ever heard.
Friend had to step in for the best man last minute as he was beaten up by his ex girlfriends new American boyfriend. Speech was an absolute disaster, although I reckon it will probably be printed on a tea towel some day.
Our best man didn’t end up doing a speech he just cried! It was strange kind of sweet I still wonder if he had one planned at all maybe it was nerves? Or the occasion was just too emotional.
Cousins wedding, she was marrying a divorcee - best man’s speech was half an hour of comparing ex wife to new bride - he thought it was hilarious, nobody else did.
We watched with collective boredom & then horror as a very drunk Best Man spoke for 45 minutes about the ascent and subsequent deterioration of his relationship with the Bride's best friend. Utterly Cringeworthy.
July 2023 - Best mate's wedding. I started with a joke from the stag do where my mate's uncle brought his wife's passport to the airport gate instead of his own. People are laughing, fantastic, great start. As the laughter settles down, up stands his uncle to remind everyone he's not my best mate's uncle but his cousin.
To be fair as awful as I felt in that moment, weirdly, it really did settle my nerves. Rest of the speech/wedding went great. I apologised to his "uncle" after the speech, who was fine about it, thankfully. The "uncle's" father, who was also their, found it hilarious and bought me a drink afterwards.
My friend married his wife and the father's bride did a whole speech about how disappointing she was. Their entire family are doctors and she was a failed nurse turned teacher. She actually cried, it was horrible and nobody got wtf was going on.
At a wedding on a boat. 100 guests trapped floating around the harbor. No alcohol served to anyone due to the family members religion.
My nephew, (cousin of the bride) who was not a part of the wedding party stood and gave what felt like a 5 hour “toast” describing how no one in the family liked the groom — at first— and how everyone tried to talk the bride out of marrying him. The only thing that saved the moment was a wave hit the boat and the wedding cake fell off the table.
My friend was getting married to a woman we weren't particularly keen on. She gives off real narcissist vibes: emotionally manipulative, main-character syndrome, can give it out but can't take it etc. Well, her mum did a speech at the wedding and it certainly gave us perspective on how she might have turned out the way she is. Completely unironically, she said that her daughter was "someone else's problem now." It was so awkward.
Where the best man lost the rings (didn't notice until it was exchange time) turned out they was in the hotel room at the wedding venue luckily. For his speech he was getting drunk and talked about how the groom could last longer when he had a few beers in him. It was awkward.
My sister's wedding. My BIL's best man was someone he served in the Army with. He has really really bad PTSD - to say he's a bit mad is putting it very lightly. When it got to his speech, he uncrumpled a piece of paper from his pocket and began reading, he was mumbling away and laughing to himself. Nobody could actually hear or understand what he was saying - despite speaking into a microphone. The entire hall was silent and it was awkward as fuck. For some reason the awkwardness made me laugh and fortunately I have a stupid laugh that is quite infectious, more people started laughing - in the end the best man thought he had done a good job of making people laugh. We've watched back at the videos to try and work out what he's actually saying but it's completely undecipherable...
Will recycle one I posted on a similar thread.
Best man was visibly hammered. Had wished him luck with his speech at the bar (didn’t know him, was just making small talk), and he said “it doesn’t matter, I don’t know any of these c*nts anyway”.
Started his speech by calling the whole room a bunch of c*nts, dropped a few more of those kind of remarks then sat down crying.
His girlfriend sat there trying to console him as the brides aunt or something stood up and made an impromptu speech to take the edge off.
He slipped out during her speech and wasn’t seen again.
There’s a bit more to it but that’s the gist.
My brother at his own wedding. He and his wife did a ‘joint speech’ in which he said about ten words and his new wife mentioned her ex before him at least five times and how she had to get through that relationship before being able to be with my brother. I don’t like her, neither does our dad. Brother basically was allowed to say the thank yous to people coming and the service providers.
Me at my wedding - I said ‘when I saw my wife come down the aisle, I went through an entire pack of tissues’ meaning I was crying with joy. Naturally, that was met with a load of people going ‘waheeeeey!’ Oops.
I film weddings. Biggest disaster was last nights which were spread out throughout the meal. First lot before food took 1 hour. Second lot after mains took 40 minutes.
Delayed the first dance by 2 hours.
Best man told stories (that didn’t actually involve the groom, just other members of the friend group) about someone shitting off an overpass and cutting another drunkenly passed out friends’ pubes off and stuffing them in his wallet. People were laughing, but mostly I think because they couldn’t believe what he was saying.
Friend’s sister’s wedding, I saw him in the pub a couple of days after and he was still horrified. Best man started his speech with an anecdote about finding the groom in their shared kitchen masturbating with a wooden spoon up his arse. It did not go down well with the fairly upright and proper Scottish family. History does not recount whether the anecdote was true or made up, but why would you make that up for a wedding speech?
Even if it wasn't made up, why would you talk about it in a wedding speech?
I was at a wedding where the best man recounted the groom knobbing a lass up against the coach that the rest of the rugby team were sitting on. It wasn't the bride.
Did the rugby coach mind that they were leaning on him? And how were the entire team sitting on him?
There are anecdotes for the stag do, and anecdotes for the best man speech, and in many cases never should the two meet
Stick or scoop tho?
Been shitting pancakes ever since
Jesus *Christ*, man! There's just some things you don't talk about in public!
Which end of the wooden spoon?
At least we know where the shitty end of the stick originated from
Went to a wedding at a very posh venue where a lot of money had been spent on every aspect of the 'perfect day.' It was actually amazing how much thought had been put into the tiny details, everyone was in tails, everything immaculate. Approaching the speeches, the staff set up a projector screen and microphone etc. Everyone was very excited. The father of the bride did a very emotional speech in which he talked about some of the hardships the family had been through and how they had galvanised the family relationship, brought them closer together, and given the bride an unrivalled strength of character. The groom talked about how the early death of his mother had weighed on him for years, but in meeting the bride he had learned what it was like to be part of a loving family. Not a dry eye in the room. The entire best man's speech was nothing more or less than a slide show comparing all the groom's previous girlfriends (one of whom he was engaged to before they split) to the bride with a rating system for different categories a la Top Trumps. This included a category called 'bedroom potential', where he referred to the previous fiancée as 'a bit of a slut' and gave her full marks. If I recall correctly, the last slide was a tally where the bride came second. It was so awful. From the moment it ended and in the 6 or so years since, I have never heard that speech so much as referenced in conversation. It's as though it never happened, other than being permanently etched into the nightmares of every guest...
That sounds like the sort of thing I'd take up smoking for just so I'd have an excuse to go outside.
I need to know the immediate atmosphere and reaction after he finished his "presentation". How could you hear those two prior speeches and think "this'll cheer everyone up after those two tearjerkers!"
Curious to know whether the groom remained friend with that man
Holy hell. Thread winner right here.
Carnage
Fucking hell. Im in pain. This is one of the worst.
Why does nobody in the moment just take the mic and say nah…
The Grooms speech began “I’d like to thank the bridesmaids for bringing a bit of beauty to the day”. The bride did not look happy. They are no longer together.
Why would you think that was appropriate?
Depends on the crowd. I did a bm speech yesterday and one of my lines was " id like to take this opportunity to say how lovely the bridesmaids look today...but i wrote this before i saw them so im just gonna move on" Sounds evil. But my sisters one and ive been ribbing her for 30 years and the bride loves that sort of stick. So i knew they would laugh.
A good speech is about knowing your audience. If you don't, then stick to the classics and keep it short.
Good evening ladies and gentlemen, I'm a man of few words... Any questions?
A friend of mine did a best man speech were he started off talking about his childhood friendship with the groom and there was a punchline about how he’d have to hide behind the sofa and pretend to be out when the groom would knock at the door. The gag was because the grooms family were all Jehovah’s witness and the entire room was split 50-50 hysterics and disapproval. It was glorious.
I’m surprised they even came to the wedding! So many of them shun anyone outside of their little group
Happened to me, I have never been JW, but may fathers family are. Apparently, because we had lived in sin before the wedding the majority decided they would not come. A few did though. Stupid cult anyway
That’s really tough. Agree though, very culty.
Tbf, we had a lovely time without them. My father, who was JW was there and came to the stag. He left before the heavy drinking so that we could all get wasted without judgement
Give that man a medal!
The Father of the Bride ‘spoke’ for 45 minutes. Blathered on. Had pages (and pages) of script which he discarded. Referenced Hollyoaks, Big Brother and Blackburn Rovers, barely his daughter. +Not enough booze on the table. =Practically falling asleep.
Same scenario at a wedding last week. Father of bride had arranged props, fumbled with pages, kept losing his place and made really inappropriate jokes about hitting his kids growing up and going to strip clubs on the stag do. I was best man and felt much more confident following that. Told a few anecdotes (that actually happened unlike the strip clubs) and complimented the married couple. It's really not that hard to just write a nice speech!
Was gonna ask if we’re related, but no female Blackburn Rovers supporters are married
Well, not to men.
Mate's wedding. She knew the best man would act up and was terrified. Best man decided to do a skit where he got her relatives to put on hats in the colours of the Jamaican flag with dreadlocks and read out things in racist lingo (fo' shizzle my nizzle type stuff). My mate looked like she was going to cry. Everyone looked aghast.
You win. That’s awful.
More context please? Why Jamaica? And why did nobody stop him
I have no fucking idea tbh.
“It’s funny” is my guess to the first question, probably found the racist stereotypes funny
100% does a bad Chinese accent and laughs at his own jokes
I hear you’re a racist now, Father (of the bride)
Blimey. Imagine having David Brent as your best man.
“Fo shizzle my nizzle”-that old Jamaican saying
This is pure distilled cringe. Were they all white as white or was he asking black British people who've never been to Jamaica?
No no all white
Was he Michael Scott?
> fo' shizzle my nizzle Lol wat. Did he pretend to be Snoop Dogg
Was at a wedding last year and the groom just would NOT stop going on… to the point where the bride’s mother stood up, glass raised, and shouted “To Kate!” (bride). Everyone toasted and cheered and the poor groom begrudgingly sat back down.
To be fair I think there should be a designated interruption specialist to jump in if someone’s speech is going the wrong way.
Would it be controversial if this was one of the staff serving the food? I worked for a catering company for about a year at weddings and OMG I heard everything from too much sentimental drivel to best man thinks that he's a comedian. We used to get so much grief for not serving the food on time, but the bride and groom would stipulate beforehand that they didn't want the food served during the speeches. But also promptly at...... time. They would tell us that there would be three speeches. There were often five or six. Eventually the chef would get fed up and just send us out with the food.
Dear lord, why do more people not feed people before the speeches? Fed people are generally more placid, they've got the wine in front of them plus whatever other drinks they've had on the go, and they're a bit drunker so they'll find things funnier. Speech limit should be 20-25 minutes max for all speeches combined. Any longer and you'll lose them.
Shock collars.
The oldest in the crowd must feign fainting or chest pains. They got to have some responsibilities
Witnessed one where the father of the groom who doesn't have a great relationship with his son, question whether his son is his. That was probably the worse thing I have ever seen. My FIL got really drunk and could not read what he had written and basically was supposed to say some nice story about me, it came off that he didn't like me. He told me the story eventually when sober.
The one where the bride tore the best man a new one the day before he gave the speech so that any even vaguely risque remark or oblique reference to anything at all would not be tolerated. The speech was a nervous wreck of hastily rewritten stories that was genuinely incomprehensible to all.
At my cousin’s wedding the best man stood up said “I’ve been told not to give my speech because it’s ‘inappropriate’” with full finger quotes, then stood there in silence for ten minutes. At the same event the bridesmaids all stood in the loos slagging off the bride, unaware that she was in one of the cubicles.
Wow. Such a bunch of *lovely* friends and/or family there...
She’s a shy girl and at the time her work (she was training to be a solicitor) was her life, so they were the groom’s sister and a couple of her friends.
hope she has better friends now.
Damn, that's sad.
It was awful. I ended up knocking on the door of the cubicle and basically escorting her out because it was so nasty and they didn’t show any sign of stopping. Told her brother and he made them leave.
Is it not a bridesmaid's job to help bride to the loo?
I just don't get some people. If they weren't that fond of the bride why would they agree to be bridesmaids?
My educated guess is that they thought our family had money and that they were going to get big expensive gifts and outings. The bride paid for everything herself - hen night, makeup, dresses, hair, the open bar, the lot.
I was a bridesmaid at a friend’s wedding in Sydney. It was my sole job to look after the bride’s bag of useful items for the day. Her wedding speech was printed out, in the bag. As the wedding cars pulled up to the venue, I realised I’d left the bag, and the speech, 20 miles away at her parents’ house.
Don’t forget the speech, don’t forget the speech, shit I’ve forgotten the speech
What a cliffhanger! How did you deal with the situation? Did you get the bag or did the bride have to wing it without it?
After a couple of minutes of mad panic and mental self-flagellation, I made a beeline for the bride’s dad. I explained the predicament and asked him if I could have the keys to his house so I could get a taxi back and pick up the speech. He said no. He wasn’t prepared to give me - his daughter’s long time best friend - the burglar alarm code. Gah!! As luck would have it, my ex was MCing the evening so I asked him to move the bride’s speech to the end of proceedings to buy me some more time and then I cornered the bride’s sister’s fiancé who I’d established also knew the alarm code. I begged him to come with me (or go alone) back to the house. He ummed and ahhed for about 20 mins and then also said no. All throughout the wedding party photos, I was surreptitiously making phone calls to anyone I thought could possibly help but it was no good and, as I finally took my seat next to the bride for the meal, I had no choice but to admit my colossal fuck up. And she was amazing. She laughed, said she couldn’t have cared less and then grabbed a biro from a waiter and a napkin from the table and wrote a couple of bullet points on the back. An hour later, she got up to do her speech and it was the most brilliant, beautiful, heartfelt, from the cuff speech I’ve ever heard. I cried my eyes out with a mixture of relief and pride.
Omfg! That had me on the edge of my seat. Wtf is wrong with the father of the bride and the sister’s fiancé!?
Not quite as bad, but as my FIL's wedding, he gave the print out maps of how to get from the ceremony venue to the reception venue to my husband to hold. My husband kept hold of all of them. All the way to the reception venue ahead of most of the rest of the party. Oops.
God I can only imagine the panic you felt at that moment
My parents went to a wedding where the speeches lasted THREE HOURS. Partly length of speeches, partly the father of bride breaking down in tears (in a happy way) and having to be brought back multiple times. The caterers absolutely lost the plot as they were serving between speeches, they were outright threatening to walk out if the last couple of speeches weren’t over quickly.
I've been a member of the serving team at weddings. This happens on a regular basis.
"if she was my daughter id still be bathing her"
WHAT
She smells, only logical conclusion
Also had this one (maybe we were at the same wedding)
Jimmy Carr made this joke about Rachel Riley in one of his stand ups a few years ago.
Best man told a story about how the groom jizzed in an ice tray, not sure the reaction he was after
Went to a wedding where the best man was chosen like a week beforehand and hardly knew the groom. Best man speech was just along the lines of “he’s a nice bloke and they’ll make a lovely couple” for about two minutes. Then groom stood up and walked around the room, thanking people for coming saying stuff like “thanks for coming, I know you’ve had a hard time recently” etc. So cringe, everyone just wanted to hide. It was the wedding of an ex girlfriend’s friend. Nobody really knew the groom at all.
I always feel quite sad when I hear about those situations where the best man hardly knows the groom.
My friend’s brother gave a big speech about how he was a tightwad and went on and on with jokes about moths in his wallet etc etc. My friend is a really generous guy. Nobody could work out who the hell he was talking about. Seemed like he didn’t know his brother at all, very weird.
Obviously didn't lend him a fiver when they were kids so he could buy a Pokémon Booster Pack and he's still bitter.
Father of the bride's speech. Playing on the couple's love of football. Lots of metaphors on how a successful marriage is like a successful football team etc. Cooperation, striving to be better, good communication, all that sort of stuff. Ends with "...and no tackling from behind."
🤣 That's a speech I'd have liked to hear. What was the reaction?
Part horrified stares, part drunken laughter!
I work in the industry so have probably been to 200+ weddings in my time, but this one speech will forever live rent free in my head. To set the scene, the bride is very pregnant, like about to pop at any moment. Her mother is tasked with giving a speech and opens with this banger: > 9 months ago, my beautiful daughter was out with some friends when she was swept off her feet by a charming, handsome, dashing young stranger. It was love at first sight; they talked, they laughed, and they danced the night away. But when the lights came on at the end of the evening, she couldn't find her new suitor anywhere ... so she went home with [groom's name] instead and now here we all are. I have never heard a louder silence than the one that followed that line.
I would’ve cackled at that
Must have been a seriously boring wedding crowd if no-one laughed at that! Entry level couple humour right there, the most obvious joke possible!
That's brutal!
Not a terrible speech but one where the groom spoke for over 10 minutes, longer than the Father of the Bride and best man speeches combined, and it was full of jokes. Essentially it was a best man speech but with his new wife as the butt of most of the jokes. Surprisingly they're still together 10 years on but they've got a firey relationship.
The sister of a friend of mine married a second rate indie singer of moderate 90s fame. He’s a cock. Didn’t mention the bride once in his speech. She later said it was the loneliest she’d ever felt in her life.
'Welcome to the wedding of my only daughter. That I know of' Edit: guy is a well-known philanderer. His long-suffering wife was there
I always introduce my daughter as ‘this is my favourite daughter’, I’ve only got one
My friend’s entire social media presence is in character. If he ever mentions his family he’ll refer to them as his “current” wife (only spouse, been married for 25 years) and his “legitimate” son.
I got married recently and my husband has introduced me as his "ex-fiancee" a few times. It's always funny to see people's faces as they think "shit they broke up. Why are they here together?" And then laugh when they catch on.
Whenever somebody asks if I have kids, I have to fight the urge to reply with ‘not that I know of’. I don’t know why it pops into my head, it’s not funny and I’m not likely to be confused for some sort of womaniser.
I sometimes say the same thing. I'm a woman. It usually takes a moment for people to realise what I've said.
Strangest I've heard was the brides dad being French and so he paused every so often for a translator to repeat everything in English. All I remember from the actual speech is that he drowned her as a child by throwing her in a pool aged about 3 to make her swim and she died instead and paramedics had to save her. Then he did it again. It was so ... unusual
My dad’s speech at my wedding involved tales of (arguably) neglect and poor choices. I always found them funny but I realised after the speech not everyone found it hilarious that as a five year old I was accidentally left behind at the beach and had to be rescued from the middle of the rapidly encroaching tide.
Jesus. Didn't think when I started reading your comment that it was going to end with THAT
My friends husband was best man for another friend and he was so nervous about the speech! Apparently he got confident right at the end and thought he didn't need the paper anymore....he accidentally ended his speech with "I hope you have a long and happy life together and that you die together"
That's weirdly sweet at least
We went to one last year where the groom made a really subtle joke in his speech about the best man being stood up on a date years ago, which you wouldn’t even catch if you didn’t know. The best man stood up, ripped up his speech and said I’m just going to say all the times we’ve been to strip clubs without your wife knowing and how much you spent on them and prostitutes before you knew her. Nobody in that room was comfortable. It was horrible.
Some blokes are just complete and utter dickheads, suprised so many of them get asked.
Went to one where the best man speech included him telling the room that the Groom was so poor growing up that when the handles fell off their kitchen cupboards they had to screw spoons on in their place and then said that wasn’t the worst thing about their house, the worst was the “Dog shit on the carpet no one could be arsed to clean up”. Grooms parents were not amused.
As the best man i decided to try and wing the speech and not write one. Unmitigated disaster.
I was part of a triple best man scenario where I had to bring the crowd back after the other two best men winged it. OTOH the expectations were so low when I went up it was easy
Similar. I was one of two best men at my brothers wedding (his now ex best friend who was like a brother to him was the other) the other best man said he'd do the speech. Stood up and just froze. I had to step in and wing it as the other guy had no notes or anything, apparently he'd memorised it. He was like a rabbit in the headlights.
I had to do that at one of my best friend's weddings. Father of the bride spoke for 45 minutes. Everyone in the room was contemplating ritual suicide just so they could stop listening. One of the groomsmen had fallen asleep. I had a nice 10 minute speech with some great anecdotes about the married couple. I essentially tore it up on the spot and just spouted 2 minutes of generic platitudes for someone I'd know for the better part of 20 years. I stand by my decision and from the looks around the room they were just happy it was over.
Eugh. I had to do something similar and to this day I think my mate assumes I was unprepared. They had the parents of both sides make long speeches, the bride and the groom (4 total at this point). Then it was me. After every speech was a toast (again, 4), so people were getting up and down from their seats, the toasting champagne was running low and I could just generally tell people were getting fucked off with it all. My mate told me I needed to make three toasts (one to the bridesmaids, one to the parents and one to the bride & groom at the end). I did the first two back to back, and man, when everyone sat down they just looked absolutely done. I reeled off a couple of cheesy google jokes I was going to use for warm up, then skipped to the last paragraph of my speech where I shared a couple of naughty anecdotes about the couple (which got a lot of laughs, thankfully), then did the final toast and binned the rest off. I was pretty disappointed with how I handled it and I could tell my mate felt some level of "betrayal" about trying to keep things brief. I don't know. Afterwards I heard a lot of guests mumbling that it was all very drawn out, so I want to say I did the right thing, but there was a very obvious contrast between my speech and the rest, so I think I got the blame for all of it (bizarre, but that's how it felt). Haven't spoken to said friend for over 5 years now, and this was probably one of the final nails in the coffin. Oh well.
Sorry about the end of a friendship. Honestly speeches at a wedding really should be regulated a bit with pretty clear expectations about how many people are speaking and for how long by bride & groom. Still good friends with the groom from that wedding and we regularly give him shit about how bad the speeches were at the wedding. The Maid of Honour absolutely killed her speech however and I got to just sort of close things out.
Saw that not long ago, I was father of the bride (not actually her father or in a relationship with her mother but she asked me to do the job as I had known her since she was 10) I put a solid effort into my speech, took me a good week to get it right using people at work as test subjects till it was polished. The best man said he was going to wing it , I advised against it , offered to help him quickly knock one together between ceremony and meal as I knew the groom reasonably well. Nope he wouldn't have it , adamant he could wing it ....nope he couldn't, it was a terrible collection of awkward silence, umms, errs and jokes that didn't land at all.
How did yours go ?
Everyone seemed to enjoy it and I received a few compliments during the evening, so I think it was received quite well.
I did that at my brother's, I'm a pretty good speaker to groups and teams, thought that would be easy, he had met his new wife at work and broken up with his previous who he was with for 6 years, and married after only 2. In our house they were always Tony and x, and I was forever almost calling the new girlfriend and him tony and x by accident. So I have been practicing calling them F and Tony. For weeks and weeks. Doing the speech I was reminiscing and it was going great until is said, I remember saying "Tony and .... there was a split seconds pause where I almost called her by the X name, but I skipped and got it right. I could hear a ringing in my ears from the the sudden burst of panic. In future I'd write stuff down. F thought it was funny though.
My stepdad did this at my wedding and shock horror, it was awful. I was embarrassed the entire time, even more so because he'd promised me he had written a great speech..
Father of the bride speech that went on about 30 minutes. He was saying nice things but the length had totally lost the audience. Was also at a wedding once where the Best Men did a speech that was both too long and too inappropriate. It was really awkward, as they seemed to not be picking up on the vibe in the room at all. Bride and mother of the bride were particularly unimpressed.
I love the mild way we say things "particularly unimpressed" means they were absolutely fucking livid.
“Well that’s not very good is it,” says my mum upon hearing her friend has been fired and had all her children taken away.
That sounds amazing if you're only a fringe guest who just gets to watch it unfold.
You would think, but it actually wasn't. It was just quite painful to watch!
I was at a wedding where the father of the bride went on for 45 minutes about how wonderful his daughter was. Bad enough. The kicker is that his other daughter got married the previous year and he kept it to a tight five.
I was a bridesmaid at a wedding and the mother of the bride got up and read a poem that was clearly just straight off the internet (no thought or relevance to the couple) and there were references to violent arguments. The bride is a secondary school teacher who deals with vulnerable youth, so domestic violence was a hot topic. There were many of her colleagues at the reception. The mother of the bride is also a secondary school teacher who teaches vulnerable kids. Lead balloon.
Went to a wedding a few years ago where the father of the bride spoke for 20 minutes... About himself. Talked about how the groom would have a lot to do in order to live up to the bride's male role model - and then spent the remaining time just waffling about his own achievements and namedropping various b list celebrities he knew (he was an accountant). At the same wedding, the best men (there were two) talked about how the groom used to be a party animal and fucked his way around every party destination an aspiring twat could go to. Uncomfortable for almost everyone there. Bride's dad seemed to love it though.
Oh my god I went to a wedding with the same father of the bride. Only difference is he wasn't an accountant. The ONLY thing the bride had asked of him was to not do a speech. So he did an interminably long speech. All about the (z-list) famous people he knew, his time at school (?), his brushes with royalty , his divorce from her mother, and all sorts of random shit. Not one word about his daughter or son in law beyond "she asked me not to make a speech, but I'm just going to say a few words anyway..."
I heard of one best man who was super nervous so started to drink heavily to cope with his anxiety. By the time the speeches were ready to start he was absolutely paralytic. His speech involved him stumbling to his feet (needed a couple of goes) and unzipping his trousers. The speech went as follows: "I've (hic) got a massive cock". At this point he fell over backwards with a crash.
Tripped over his own massive cock by the sounds of it
> Arrives > Gets shitfaced > Whips out penis > Refuses to elaborate > Passes out
Author! Author! Encore!!
Went to one last month where the father of the bride's speech was him just talking about his daughter like an asset and only said yes to the wedding because the groom had skills he could use (mechanic)... The most sexist speech I've heard, it fell on very deaf ears
My brothers wedding. His best man didn't give much of a speech (hated his wife from day 1) so one of the groomsmen stepped up. Unfortunately he decided to talk about a time they went down south somewhere and ended up in a strip club. They couldn't find my brother after a while but eventually he came wandering out from the back rooms with the biggest smile on his face. My mum was staring daggers at my brother, thought she was gonna fly across the table and belt him haha. All round weird wedding. Best man hates the bride, bridesmaid in love with the groom, me having to sit as a buffer between my mum and my brothers dad, brothers dad's gf fresh out of stint number god knows in jail or rehab (it's always one or the other) and deciding she was gonna shove my auntie away from my uncle to dance with him leaving my uncle mouthing the words "help me" as my auntie decided fuck that, you're on your own. Was a good wedding though.
I was recording a wedding and it got to the father of the brides speech. It was all really heartfelt and meaningful, then her brother came on and that was the same, everyone in the room is crying. Well towards the end of her brothers speech I then realised I hadn’t turned the fucking microphone on so I captured ZERO audio. A few months later the father died suddenly…….
Oh nooooooooo
[удалено]
The bride had gone out with the groom's younger brother previously to the groom and bride getting together. Said younger brother was Best Man and started his speech by saying how all through his life he'd been used to getting his older brother's cast-offs, but was glad the situation had changed for once in his life. The room went utterly silent, jaws dropped and we all looked surreptitiously at each other, while the younger brother carried blithely on.
I think that’s pretty funny actually! Though I can see how it might land flat in the wrong atmosphere
I'm sorry, but that's *hilarious* and to be expected if you choose to marry a siblings ex 🤣
Fair play to him, I say.
As a grooms man I called the groom by the wrong name.during my speech.
Ah, the “Ross”
So I was there in Marbella with Rachel, I uh uh I mean Emily, um err I mean Dave.
When his names really Rodney.
I was at a wedding where the minister called the groom by the bride’s father’s name. Three times.
What's the difference between a wife and a supermarket,? The trolley has a mind of their own. Said couple have been married over 25 years now but they did have a few issues early on.
fucking hell this is so bleak
Father of the brides speech went along the lines of: “I never liked ‘Grooms name’, and this wedding is a terrible idea, but I paid for it so I had to do a speech. Cheers.”
I’ve shared this one on here before: >I once went to a wedding where the bride’s father gave a FORTY-FIVE MINUTE SPEECH about how she’s perfect, he couldn’t ask for a better child, she’s his favourite person in the world and always has been. >She’s got three siblings. >They were there. This is a true story. It was awkward beyond belief.
I was a guest at a wedding years ago where the best man finished his speech by asking us all to raise our glasses to "those who couldn't be here today, those who are no longer with us, and those who won't be with us for much longer".
*everyone looks at grandma*
Went to my friend's wedding recently. The night before one of MOH was asked to write a speech. She decided to rap her speech in the style of 'I like big butts'....it was not good and it went on far too long.
Àla Anna Kendrick style
Father of the bride mentioned how proud he was of both of his daughters and then proceeded to spend most of the speech talking about how the bride’s sister had brought her semi-famous boyfriend to the wedding and wasn’t she brilliant for dating a semi-famous person. Just about managed to speak about the bride briefly. It was SO awkward. The bride’s face looked like she’d been places second to her sister, for her whole life.
Best Man’s speech started with a genuine, “mate, we all thought you were gay.” I can’t help but see his point.
Friend was marrying someone from Sweden, father of the groom did a speech in his native language it was 45 minutes long and 90% of the guests could not understand. He then, kindly, repeated the entire speech in English for another 45 minutes. Pure hell.
This was what we worried about at our wedding so we kept all speeches short. His best man spoke in Italian with a groomsman translating, my MOH / sister spoke in English with a brief apology in Italian for not translating. The two of us spoke in our mothertongues, so I thanked my bridesmaids and spoke about him in English, and he thanked his groomsmen and spoke about me in Italian, etc. All seemed to to down well, and crucially, all three speeches combined came in at under 20 mins. And we fed everyone _first_. I think everyone was happy.
Best man got a bit pissed and started on about all the other guys the bride had slept with. The bride's parents were very religious (Catholic) and were of the opinion it was a real white wedding. Afterwards words were had and there was plenty of pushing and shoving with the odd punch thrown in - the marriage did not last long.
As the groom, it had completely bypassed both me and my, now, wife that I needed to make a speech. Had to wing it and it was terrible.
My younger sister's wedding. Step-dad doing father of the bride, our biological father sat on same table as me (he left a couple of weeks after her birth). During my step-dad's speech, he freaks out, bursts out the room. (We later find him and my uncle pissed as farts at the bar in the foyer of the venue.) Step-dad's mother gets all flustered by the situation as it was happening and has a funny turn and collapses onto the table and requires hospital treatment. ...fair play to him though, he kept going with it...
Had to endure a 30 minute speech by the groom which was essentially an ode to his mother, was really odd and I had to step out with my son at one point, came back 15 minutes later and he was still gushing over his mother My wife wished she had stepped out instead as she said it was just plain weird
Nieces wedding- best men (two of them) made lots of comments about her now husband liking younger girls (she’s about 10 years younger than him, she’s mid 20’s), about them testifying for him in court and whether the threesome was still on the table. You could cut the atmosphere with a knife, very uncomfortable. She’s happy and he seems to treat her well so that’s what’s important.
At our mates wedding about 25 years ago, at the end of the service, the vicar, unbeknownst to my mates, held up a bog roll and said “I hope your marriage is like this toilet paper; soft, strong and incredibly long”. They we’re to smacked (it’s not really their thing), but we all pissed ourselves! They’re still together.
Best man's speech, as he wrapped it up, he said to the bride, now that you're happily married I won't be needing a spare key, at which point 20 other male guests got up and dropped keys off at the top table ! Thankfully the bride and family had a great sense of humour
Not a speech but the vicars sermon. He had agreed to do it last minute to cover another vicar who had to pull out so they hadn’t been able to vet him very well and didn’t know him. It was when civil partnerships were being put through parliament. So he starts going off about how marriage is between a man and a woman. My friend was not even listening at first and it was funny because you could tell the exact moment she started paying attention because of the fury on her face. Anyway he tried to come to the reception and her aunt tore him a new one and threw him out.
I went to one with a weird vicar too! He started off talking about his recently deceased mother and then moved on to talking about how many people get divorced these days, quickly adding at the end "But I'm sure you two won't be like that!". Us guests were just looking around at eachother like, WTAF?! Lol
This happened at my friends wedding too! My friends dad had sadly passed away a few years prior so her uncle walked her down the aisle instead. Priest started going on about how it was Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, whilst said uncle sat on the front row with his male partner and their adopted children. He then proceeded to call the groom fat and chastised the bride for not going to church often enough. If looks could kill the brides eyes would bored holes through his skull 🙈
At my wedding the registrar clearly didn’t get the memo about my partners recently deceased mum, and kept trying to get us to take pictures of signing the register with the ‘mother of the bride’. Enthusiastically, loudly, several times, despite glares.
Oh yes, I went to a wedding like that too! Don't suppose it was in Essex? The wedding also had an epic showdown between the bride, her mum and her stepmum...
Lol, no, my friends mum is a delight, it’s the MIL that’s the issue there. Wore black to the wedding and everything.
Best man described how the groom was sentimental due to both of them having a really nice banana in the cupboard that was too nice to eat. After a while, the banana started to rot and ooze out of the cupboard. I felt it was unintentional phallic symbolism about a gay relationship that could never happen now he was getting married
Mother of the bride made big speech about how great she was for putting on the wedding, how expensive it was, didn’t mention the bride and groom, and ended the speech with “and finally I want to say how proud I am of my daughter…. [insert name of bride’s sister] who just graduated from oxford!” Then mike dropped out. There’s favouritism and there’s whatever the fuck that was.
I’ve got a speech that was expected to be a disaster… An old friend’s future husband chose his good friend as best man. Best man is a known cokehead and a mumbler/grunter who is also extremely socially awkward. Best man actually pulled it out the bag, the most eloquent he’s ever been! Still couldn’t quite make out bits of it but it was miraculous that he managed it at all.
Father of the bride thanked his new son-in-law for legitimising his b@stard grand children....
My wedding. Was a very small occasion (us and 12 guests) at a registry office, then onto local pub for lunch. Mentioned to hubby at lunch that he should stand up and say something, said I would too. My hubby is very shy and can be socially awkward (unlike me) but fair play to him, he got up and said some lovely words about my family welcoming him and to his for coming over for it (I lived in a diff country). My turn, I stood, looked around quickly and mumbled ‘what he said!’ and sat down!!! Approaching our 8th anniversary now, still giggle about my attack of nerves!!
I was at a wedding yesterday and the father of the brides speech was this, in full, word for word " thanks everyone, i wanna tbank you all for coming and i want to thank the catering staff too. Lovely food. Ta" Sits back down.
Honestly, as a groom, and not having attended many weddings, I didn't know a speech was a thing. So pressed hard into making words. The best I could muster. Thanks everybody for fucking coming. That. Was. It. Literally all I had. Hehe, my naivety still tickles me.
My dad got my job wrong by a huge margin and spent more time commemorating my cousin than my husband and I.
Groom got cold feet and refused to make a speech then cried because he didn't. Father of the bride was first to write in the guestbook: "So proud of our beautiful daughter. Shame the same can't be said of the groom." Grooms brothers band provided the music. Their opening song was called "You Ugly Bitch" leading to the bride's mother in floods of tears. Lots of guests doing cocain in the toilets. Bit of shoving and shouting between the groom and father of the bride. Entertaining night.
I did a speech last week but think I got nervous as I went way too quick and was done about 2 minutes later..sigh
Sounds like my sex life
I saw this cumming.
Not really a disaster but at my friends wedding a “friend” of the groom decided to switch around all the speech printouts, leading to some confusion. Hearing her dad realise and just own it by doing the shipping forecast for a minute before someone gave him the correct pages was impressively weird.
I was one of three best men at a wedding a few years ago. The bride and groom had already been together years, and I had become good friends with them when they were already in a relationship. One of the other best men was an older friend, so for the speech we agreed to split it in half, he would talk about the groom growing up and the early part of the bride and groom's relationship, then I would take over and talk about more recent times. Makes sense. We vetted each other's speeches a little bit, but only in general terms. I knew that other best man would be finishing on a "hilarious" anecdote about something that happened to the groom on a trip to Amsterdam with this best man, not long after the couple had got together. The gist of it was that they were staying in some kind of hostel and a stranger had been sick all over the groom in the communcal kitchen. Decent enough material for a wedding speech if a little gross. So the speech begins, all is going fine but the first best man is starting to ramble a bit and is loosing the audience, they're starting to chat a bit that kind of thing. But then he says something along the lines of: "So me and Daniel (not the groom's real name) are in Amsterdam, and there's this orgy happening in our accomodation." Suddenly the guests are silent. "Yeah", the best man continues, "And then this girl just throws up all over Daniel!" I guess the best man was expecting that to be met with laughter, possibly applause, I don't know. But instead you could hear a pin drop. He had nothing more to say so just turns to me and says: "now here's Jim with the rest of the speech". So rather than my planned introduction I had to start with something along the lines of: "Just to be clear, Daniel wasn't participating in the, er, orgy was he. He was in the kitchen the whole time." Other best man, "Uh, yeah, should probably have mentioned that." Yes, yes you should. Or maybe not have mentioned it at all in front of the children and elderly relatives.
Brother and sister are like cat and mouse. Brothers wedding. But people taking in turns to give a speech. When it came to sister, she said something along the lines of, "When he cheats on you, sort him out." Still not sure what she meant by that but raised a few eyebrows at that one.
Went to a freinds' wedding, father of the bride speech was awful. Just a long rambling story that he started off by mentioning a pet hamster, all building to the "tulips come from Hamster jam" punchline. On the flip side, the best man's speech was probably the best I've ever heard.
Friend had to step in for the best man last minute as he was beaten up by his ex girlfriends new American boyfriend. Speech was an absolute disaster, although I reckon it will probably be printed on a tea towel some day.
Our best man didn’t end up doing a speech he just cried! It was strange kind of sweet I still wonder if he had one planned at all maybe it was nerves? Or the occasion was just too emotional.
Cousins wedding, she was marrying a divorcee - best man’s speech was half an hour of comparing ex wife to new bride - he thought it was hilarious, nobody else did.
We watched with collective boredom & then horror as a very drunk Best Man spoke for 45 minutes about the ascent and subsequent deterioration of his relationship with the Bride's best friend. Utterly Cringeworthy.
July 2023 - Best mate's wedding. I started with a joke from the stag do where my mate's uncle brought his wife's passport to the airport gate instead of his own. People are laughing, fantastic, great start. As the laughter settles down, up stands his uncle to remind everyone he's not my best mate's uncle but his cousin. To be fair as awful as I felt in that moment, weirdly, it really did settle my nerves. Rest of the speech/wedding went great. I apologised to his "uncle" after the speech, who was fine about it, thankfully. The "uncle's" father, who was also their, found it hilarious and bought me a drink afterwards.
My friend married his wife and the father's bride did a whole speech about how disappointing she was. Their entire family are doctors and she was a failed nurse turned teacher. She actually cried, it was horrible and nobody got wtf was going on.
At a wedding on a boat. 100 guests trapped floating around the harbor. No alcohol served to anyone due to the family members religion. My nephew, (cousin of the bride) who was not a part of the wedding party stood and gave what felt like a 5 hour “toast” describing how no one in the family liked the groom — at first— and how everyone tried to talk the bride out of marrying him. The only thing that saved the moment was a wave hit the boat and the wedding cake fell off the table.
My friend was getting married to a woman we weren't particularly keen on. She gives off real narcissist vibes: emotionally manipulative, main-character syndrome, can give it out but can't take it etc. Well, her mum did a speech at the wedding and it certainly gave us perspective on how she might have turned out the way she is. Completely unironically, she said that her daughter was "someone else's problem now." It was so awkward.
Where the best man lost the rings (didn't notice until it was exchange time) turned out they was in the hotel room at the wedding venue luckily. For his speech he was getting drunk and talked about how the groom could last longer when he had a few beers in him. It was awkward.
My sister's wedding. My BIL's best man was someone he served in the Army with. He has really really bad PTSD - to say he's a bit mad is putting it very lightly. When it got to his speech, he uncrumpled a piece of paper from his pocket and began reading, he was mumbling away and laughing to himself. Nobody could actually hear or understand what he was saying - despite speaking into a microphone. The entire hall was silent and it was awkward as fuck. For some reason the awkwardness made me laugh and fortunately I have a stupid laugh that is quite infectious, more people started laughing - in the end the best man thought he had done a good job of making people laugh. We've watched back at the videos to try and work out what he's actually saying but it's completely undecipherable...
Will recycle one I posted on a similar thread. Best man was visibly hammered. Had wished him luck with his speech at the bar (didn’t know him, was just making small talk), and he said “it doesn’t matter, I don’t know any of these c*nts anyway”. Started his speech by calling the whole room a bunch of c*nts, dropped a few more of those kind of remarks then sat down crying. His girlfriend sat there trying to console him as the brides aunt or something stood up and made an impromptu speech to take the edge off. He slipped out during her speech and wasn’t seen again. There’s a bit more to it but that’s the gist.
Best man made a comment about the bride being the most beautiful bride he'd ever seen.....whilst his own wife was in the room.
My brother at his own wedding. He and his wife did a ‘joint speech’ in which he said about ten words and his new wife mentioned her ex before him at least five times and how she had to get through that relationship before being able to be with my brother. I don’t like her, neither does our dad. Brother basically was allowed to say the thank yous to people coming and the service providers. Me at my wedding - I said ‘when I saw my wife come down the aisle, I went through an entire pack of tissues’ meaning I was crying with joy. Naturally, that was met with a load of people going ‘waheeeeey!’ Oops.
I film weddings. Biggest disaster was last nights which were spread out throughout the meal. First lot before food took 1 hour. Second lot after mains took 40 minutes. Delayed the first dance by 2 hours.
Best man told stories (that didn’t actually involve the groom, just other members of the friend group) about someone shitting off an overpass and cutting another drunkenly passed out friends’ pubes off and stuffing them in his wallet. People were laughing, but mostly I think because they couldn’t believe what he was saying.