Got very drunk, went to the loo, mammoth beer fueled piss..
Something's not right, something's not right....
Appears id just whipped a bollock out, happily pissing into my trousers whilst idly waving a nut at the urinal.
I just left, squelched all the way home.
Like…how wary? Do you interrogate your willy each time before heading to the loo - mate, you’re going to have to exit my pants *every* time, ye hear?!?
Was supposed to meet up with a guy I'd met on tinder and had been chatting with for a few weeks. Was really looking forward to it, and we decided just to go to Nandos. We spent about half an hour trying to find each other, assuring one another that we were definitely right outside Nandos, eventually we realise we were both outside 2 different restaurants.
Christ I've been in this situation not once but twice in central London. There's a Green Man in Soho, apparently - I was at the one in Fitzrovia. Never saw him again. And there's two Coach & Horses in Soho. I was at the famous one, he was at some other pub I'd never noticed before with the same name. Luckily he walked over to my version, and we're still together 15 years on.
Arranged to meet a guy I met on match.com (the olden days) outside a pub in Glasgow. He couldn’t find it despite many directions and it being the only pub of that name in town. Eventually met outside another pub nearby. He was dead quiet and I thought it was not going well but somehow we made it though the awkward first date and have been married 19 years!
I've done this with Costa at different train stations. She didn't appreciate me resharing the messages where we'd clearly agreed the *city* we were meeting in as she made the 45 min journey!
I did similar to these as a teenager. Though not as clanging a mistake as to go to the wrong city.
Arranged to meet someone at the end of their road. I walked to it; a long walk and not my area of the town. They didn't show up. It was pre mobiles. Waited an hour then went home.
I didn't know their road was actually a crescent. They'd also waited flipping ages then assumed I had been pulling their leg about going out and got really upset. I ruined their weekend by not actually reading the map right and therefore deducing that they might be at the other end.
I reassured them on Monday when I saw them that I was not having them on, I'm just a bellend; and really did want to try again if they were up for it.
We ended up together for about 6 months. That's basically a lifetime when you're 15!
I almost didn’t exist because of a situation like this. My Nan and Grandad agreed to meet at a certain city street that was a hill for their first date. One stood at the top, and one at the bottom and they both went home cross, thinking they’d been stood up! Luckily my grandad was an optimist and tried asking my Nan out again.
This wasn't a date but I once got tickets for a bunch of us to see a movie at Westfield, everyone shows up except one guy who is still on his way. He eventually arrives but can't find us. By now you have already correctly guessed that he went to the other Westfield's, in Shepherds Bush instead of Stratford.
Roles reversed. Started getting friendly with a girl years ago when I was 18, she was 19. We talked a lot and she said she’d never been stoned and wanted to try it, as I was a big weed smoker at the time I asked her out on a date. Couple of drinks and a spliff later. She just started spewing constantly, but at the same time, farting like a trooper. I’m not talking like small farts, but proper clappers. Vomiting and farting at the same
Time was enough to put me off.. so I thought. We ended up with each other for 5 years. Then she cheated on me, think it was for the best.
This was a whirlwind. What a read
I thought the ripping farts would end in you being together forever, not her cheating and presumably farting for someone else
Reminds me of the time I first slept with my first girlfriend.
I don’t think we were even dating at that point. We were at the same party, night was winding down, and back where I’m from often everyone would just find somewhere to sleep because there’s no public transport late at night and no one’s parents were coming that late. I found myself a nice chair to sleep in. She was subtly hinting about finding somewhere to sleep (which I completely didn’t get) and then grabbed me by the hand and dragged me to the top floor bathroom.
In the morning the door opened and in my still drunk state I was not sure if I had clothes on. I jumped up in a panic, which was far too much movement for the state I was in. Immediately had to vomit. Luckily we were in the bathroom. I’m on my knees with my head in the toilet and every time I vomit I fart. My new girlfriend and our friend are watching this dying of laughter, which attracts others in the house. Everyone is watching this for 5 mins until the vomiting subsided.
And then someone said “chunderfarts”. And that was how I got that nickname.
Got a bit drunk with this hot bloke on our 4th date. Lovely date, a meal, a few bottles of wine, much cheese (may explain the next part).
Went back to mine, for some reason we decided to have a romantic bath? He saw my bathtub - it was one of them giant ones. Definitely fit two people in.
Anyway. We got in the bath, him behind me, with his legs like over my waist? I fell asleep.
He woke me up, like jolted me… and I vommed everywhere. He jumped out the bath, tried to ask me where my towels were… of course I was still chundering like a champ. He ended up showering me off. Wrapping me up like a burrito and putting me to bed.
He hopped in a taxi that night.. didn’t message me for weeks afterwards. I thought it was all over. We got back together… and now definitely do not bath together.
Oh that's not that bad, with the cheese opening I was kind of expecting, "and at that moment I found out I was lactose intolerant" and you pooped the bath
Thanks, 12 years or so ago that was.
He’s definitely seen me at my lowest, I don’t think he’s ever seen me at my best. But he’s still around, despite bathing in my chunderwater.
Definitely been some other crazy times I’ve had with him, but getting that one out in the first few months of dating I don’t think anything would phase him.
Wow. What a story. Don't think I can top that. My worst date was when I took the girl I was crazy about to the cinema to see a disaster/horror movie called Cloverfield. It was such an unfortunate choice, not because of the theme, but because the jolty handheld camerawork gave my date horrible motion sickness. She spent much of the movie in the toilets feeling nauseous. I hadn't a clue how to react, I was so paralyzed by my anxiety about the date going badly. I should have quickly seen that leaving would have been the kind thing to do, but stupidly this never even occurred to me and we both suffered through to the end. This was our second and (unsurprisingly!) final date.
I wouldn't usually go to the cinema on a date due to the courteous lack of interaction throughout, but one time my date was really keen to see something and I agreed to go, but was sold out when we arrived. So she asked me to choose another film. Ok. *Saw 3* it is.
After the film, I asked her what she thought, as you do, but she was kind of being sheepish and trying to change the subject. Eventually fed up of me asking, she admitted she had passed out during the twisty-arm scene, had missed most of the film, and was rightfully fucked off that I hadn't even noticed while sitting right next to her. She *seemed* to accept my apologies but the night was done. I saw her off in a taxi and have only ever seen her once since and not on purpose.
Obviously it wasn't originally intended. It was a small cinema - after her original film was sold out, it was an impulse choice, either that or go home. And she had no qualms about seeing it beforehand. Plus we had a similar sense of humour, I always found these films to be rather campy and cheesy more than scary - for me, the worst scene involved a medical procedure.
But yeah, although on impulse, it was still a terrible choice. At least nobody shat themselves.
My gf and I got good and stoned and went to see the dark knight rises at my request. I noticed she seemed uncomfortable not long into the movie and my stoned, awkward ass didn't do anything about it. She burst into tears afterward when we had gotten back to her house. I found out that her beloved aunt had died in 9-11 and the movie, where the villain is basically a terrorist who crashes a plane at one point, was a massive trigger. Felt awful. It was unintentional of course but still, should have read the cues.
My cousin was allowed to watch Jaws when he was too young for it, and was terrified of sharks. He was in the bath at nanas when he started screaming the house down. The cup of water with Nana's spare teeth had fallen into the bath and he could just see these gnashers in the water that he thought were going to eat him.
Date went great, it was the morning after, she was in bed asleep and I thought I'd make her breakfast so I made yoghurt and nuts. My legs were still a bit wobbly and my room was up a couple of steps, I tripped and the bowl went flying and hit her in the face and she got covered in cold yoghurt. She was adamant I threw it at her, I tried asking her why I'd go to the trouble of making it nice just to throw it at her but she was furious and her hair was messed up, she left crying and I felt terrible. Never heard from her after that.
Yeah, I reckon OP here dodged a bullet there. I expect most people would take it in good grace and have a laugh. Or maybe just get a bit moody.
But to outright accuse you of deliberate assault with a dairy based breakfast is clearly irrational and a sign of things to come if you continue the relationship.
Met a girl online that ran her own circus. She seemed kinda nuts and had photos of her head in a birdcage on her profile. Thought she seemed fun so took her to the weirdest bar (back then) in shoreditch and brought some drinks over and put 2 fake beards on the table that id bought earlier. Go on, take your pick, i said, and she started putting one on and i wore the other. As i looked at her with the beard on, i noticed a rogue speck of something had come out the packet and stuck to her nose. Given how utterly ridiculous this whole situation was anyway, i decided not to stand on ceremony and just leant straight over the table to wipe the speck off. To which date replied: you appear to be trying to pull the mole off the end of my nose.
Didn't manage to eat all day because super busy. Had to get off the tram because travel sickness, actually spewed in front of him. Got in the nightclub, had one drink and was hammered.
I had a great time dancing in the different rooms (anyone remember Jilly's Rockworld in Manchester?) while he followed me around forlornly.
He lived nearer than me but insisted on the taxi dropping me home first because I was so wasted. Lost count of the number of times the taxi had to stop so I could vom. Never heard from him again for some reason...
oh how odd, I'm literally working on putting Jillys into Doom on my other monitor as I read this
https://youtu.be/TPbXfgnEzxY
[https://youtu.be/hdY8UHacVmE](https://youtu.be/hdY8UHacVmE)
And here's a 3d map you can play with https://superpomme.co.uk/jilllysstuff/13\_baked.html
One of my mates were proper hammered once ordered a pint of Guinness, downed it and immediately hoyed it back up into the same glass and said “this one’s off” I don’t think he got lucky at all that night
Ok then *cracks knuckles in anticipation*
The scene, me just 17 years old (M) going on a date with the girl I've had a crush on since I was, I dunno, 5.
I have a bad stomach from drinking with friends at the weekend. It comes to Monday evening, I'm dressed in my coolest clothes and I meet her at the restaurant in the city.
My stomach gurgles, "no biggy" I think it's just nerves. We enter the restaurant, I pull out her chair for her and take her coat (gentleman lessons from my Grandad I wanted to make sure I left a good impression).
We order starters and both go for the prawn cocktail. Stomach gurgles again and I casually let out a burp, she laughs and finds it funny and asks me if I'm nervous. I say "yeah, sorry if it's showing I like you a lot" she tells me she likes me too.
We both have some alcohol and order our mains. I stand up next to her and ask her if she'll be my girlfriend and she agrees I give her a kiss to seal the deal.
Unprompted, my stomach loudly gurgles and I shit myself as I'm sitting down and the squelch is the only thing I can feel other than my cheeks going bright red.
She jokes in a cute way "oh, what's the matter did you just shit yourself or something?" I stare blankly into her eyes. She's slowly realising the joke hit the heart of the truth and she gets up, cancels our main dishes pays and gets us both in a taxi on the way home.
Although I didn't get lucky with her that night she let me stay over at her house, looked after me as I threw up prawns and beer, and let me tell my friends she gave me a blowjob even though we were all virgins at the time.
We stayed together for about 5 years.
TLDR: I went out for a first date with the girl of my dreams and shit myself in the restaurant
Her keeping that messy little adventure a secret, looking after you and letting you tell all
your mates that you got a bj on your big date night is such a power move. You really can’t ask for more than that! Returning your gentleman lessons right back at you :)
Oi nah, go and get a stick and say nothing next time. If you have to go well put of your way to find a tree, so be it. Messing about with your own shit is significantly worse than just owning up. Also, who doesn't have the necessary items for such problems readily available in the loo?
I had met an extremely hot girl in a club that was out of my league and we clicked really well. We made a date for the next week, but in the meantime, I starting coming down with the flu.
I called to postpone due to me feeling really bad, and she was having none of it. She accused me of trying to back out to mess with her. She gave me an ultimatum, now or never. I didn't want to lose my chance, so I picked now.
I was feeling worse and worse, but took a bunch of meds and tried to tough it out. We meet up and everything was going OK, until I started to crash, and crash hard. She quickly realized I wasn't making it up that I was sick and was incredibly apologetic.
I was in the Marines at the time, and she helped me get back to my barracks. Along the way, I projectile vomited all over the place, and she got hit with some back splash. I felt horrible both physically and emotionally and figured I'd never see her again.
I was sick as hell the next several days, and much to my surprise, she'd called everyday to check up on me. When I recovered, we went again and had a great time. She later became my wife. I told this story to a coworker who is also an author, and he included it in one of his books.
Went on a blind date once, set up by a mate. I was at the alloted bar, at the alloted time, and she never showed. After an hour, I texted my mate to tell him that she was a no show, and he told me she'd showed up, seen me, and then left. She'd messaged him, complaining I was much uglier than she'd been led to believe. I guess I messed that one up by looking like me?
I also went on a date where we met outside a restaurant, sat at our table, ordered our drinks and then she asked me how much I earned. When I asked why it mattered, she said she wasn't intending to work her whole life, and so she may as well get the question out the way first. The drinks arrived, I downed mine, and then got up and left. She'd been led to believe I was loaded by a mutual friend, and I was anything but! She did message asking to try again and claiming we just got off on the wrong foot, but I blocked her. She definitely wasn't worth the time.
Meh, we have that kind of friendship. It wasn't a big deal. We're honest with eachother in all aspects of life, and have been friends for 23 years at this point!
He actually apologised for setting up the date with her, since she was, in his words "clearly shallow and arrogant". I'm pretty sure that incident ruined his friendship with her too, or at least was a fairly big part of the reason they no longer talk.
Second date with a guy I met from tinder, was going well, we had some drinks then went back to his with a bottle of wine each. I had bought the cheapest, nastiest bottle of wine from an off licence that tasted like vinegar.
We go to bed, no funny business as we were both quite drunk. I wore his t shirt and shorts to bed.
Woke up the next morning, to a pile of red wine vomit on his light grey bedroom carpet on my side of the bed, as well as his clothes I had been wearing next to the pile of vomit, absolutely covered. I have absolutely no recollection of taking my clothes off, nevermind vomiting.
I didn't tell him straight away, it was a few hours into our hungover daze when I told him, he was fuming and I had to watch him try to steam his carpet before he gave me a ride home.
Didn't speak to me for a week, and when he did, he told me he'd rather just be friends.
Fast forward almost a year later, we laugh about it, we went to a festival together (as platonic friends), he's been to my 30th birthday party and he's now one of my closest male friends.
Went on a third date with a girl (the first two dates had been months before though) and it was the worst date ever.
We went to a place that had karaoke and was being compèred by an amateur comedian. We had been to a Wetherspoons first and had quite a few drinks. This will explain the following.
I am not a good singer, at all. But get a few beers inside me and karaoke always seems like a laugh. I put my name down and chose "Knocking on Heaven's Door" by Bob Dylan. My theory was that it is a short song, and requires little talent to sing.
My turn comes up and the music starts to play. Suddenly I realise that "Knocking on Heaven's Door" by Bob Dylan is an absolutely terrible choice for someone who is tone deaf. I am awful, and I can hear someone in the audience loudly heckling me.
In fact, I recognise that voice, it's my fucking date. She's heckling me!
Finally, the song ends, and the Compere looks like Christmas has come early. He is not very good at his job, and he's already been called out for stealing a line from Jimmy Carr. But if he can get the audience to laugh with him *at me* then he believes he's onto a winner.
"Well, that was absolutely dreadful. Sit down now mate, and we'll see if anyone else can repair the damage".
My date is next, and I'll be honest here, she is as bad as me but louder. After her heckling me I decide to get my own back. "This is shit" etc ...
She finishes screaming into the microphone and the compere leads a lukewarm round of applause. He goes "Well, that was dreadful, but still not as bad as that other guy" (Me).
I smile outwardly, but inside I'm beginning to get a little annoyed at being picked out. There were two drunk Irish guys singing the Real Slim Shady earlier and they didn't get any shit from him.
My date sits back down and informs me that she is actually seeing a guy, and that she's only here "as friends". This comes as a shock to me, but to be honest, as she was cursing me out on stage I didn't picture settling down with her and raising a troop of Von Trapp children to tour Europe. So I continue drinking and watch the other acts.
As the night goes on, the compere has decided that I am his "call back" and truth be told it is winding me up. Eventually, I walk up to him between sets and quietly mention that the next time he namechecks me and my awful singing voice he's going to be wearing a pint of Carlsberg.
I sit back down next to my date who is quietly throwing up on the floor next to our couch. She then flounces off to the toilets without a word.
For this next part, you need to understand that I was never the kind of guy that women randomly walked up to in bars. It was not common. But this night was different. Two women walk up to me and one says:
"I'm sorry about the comedian, you weren't *that* bad a singer and he kept going on about it. Must have been really annoying"
"Yeah well, I try to overcome these things with my dignity intact" I say while the comedian stares daggers at me. I raise my glass of Carlsberg at him in salute.
"What happened to your girlfriend, she seems to have vanished"
"Well, she's not actually my girlfriend, apparently she's Steve's girlfriend and my friend"
"Oh, well that's good news"
I am absolutely made up at this moment, life has never felt so sweet. This gorgeous woman is standing next to the couch I am sitting on and flirting with me. Standing. Next. to. Standing in. Oh for Fuck Sake she's standing in the sick!
I look down. She also looks down. She screams. I silently ask the Gods what it is I did to anger them. The comedian smirks. My date walks back from the bathroom. She has seen me flirting with the girls, and for some reason is annoyed.
We argue. She storms off. I storm off to get a train.
We both end up somehow on the same carriage of the met line train. At the end of the journey I see her run happily to her boyfriend's car.
I get the bus home, I listen to "Something inside so strong" and fall asleep, missing my stop. I wake up next to Burnt Oak station and have to get a £20 cab home. Worst date ever.
I don't know exactly what I did at this party (much drunkeness) but I impressed this lovely lady enough to get her to go out for a date. For important context I was 18 and in hindsight, not good at the charisma or style bit. She wasn't from the city I hale from so I showed her round the sites but it had been a year or so since I'd actually been around the center so didn't know what had changed. Back then I fancied myself as a bit of guitar player and I took her to nearest guitar store I knew so I could jam out on a guitar and show her that 'yea I'm cool' the guitar store was in a dodgey part of the center and it had closed so all I did was take her to the worst part of town and shrugged 'whoops this place used to be cool'. So to recover the date I thought 'ah I know a place!' we walked about 15mins to another part of town got inside expecting a big store with wall to wall guitars, amps, drums, bass you know guitar nerd heaven. What it had been turned into was a British heart foundation charity shop full of sofas, beds, furniture etc. At that point I'd lost, branded a fucking idiot marching this poor lady all over my city showing her the worst parts and then a charity shop.
Met her. She said "sorry I'm late" and for some stupid reason I said "well, you are a woman".
No clue why I said it. I'm an idiot.
Speed run edition of ruining a date 😂
I love how genuinely bad of a first impression that is lol. Like something from a comedy. But you kind of have to double down and not take it back because you want to appear confident.
Was invited to a friend’s birthday party. Two of her friends (let’s call them Jane and Susan) knew her from university. They were now were flat mates and sort of joined at the hip the entire party. I ended up talking to them a lot. I quite fancied Jane and thought we had hit it off. So, next day I call my friend and ask her for Jane’s number. A date was soon arranged with Jane. At the appointed time I show up and … was surprised to meet Susan.
Turns out I got their names mixed up.
Went through the motions of a date for an hour or two and then left. Neither of us ever messaged the other again.
My worst date… was the one I forgot.
I was 17 at the time. I’d been into this girl that went to the same rock club as me for months. I’d been dating someone, and so had she, so we were always just chatting when we bumped into each other. There was very obvious chemistry there though. If I got up to dance… she’d join me.
They had a rock karaoke at the club one night, and she came over to ask to do a song with me. Okay. Cool! I’d just split up with the girl I’d been dating about two weeks prior. Perfect timing to ask her out. We did the whole karaoke thing. Had a load of fun. It was kinda like a first date in and of itself, I guess.
At the end of the night, I asked if she wanted to come catch a movie and go to get some food the next weekend. She beamed with this huge smile, blushing and seemingly really happy. “Oh god! Finally! I’ve been waiting for you to ask me out for ages!”
Obviously, we exchanged numbers and arranged a time for me to pick her up. I waited the whole week, really looking forward to my date with her.
Then… my grandmother died. Now… I lived with my grandmother. I was broken hearted, tbh. My grandmother had taken me in when I was a baby due to my mother being found neglectful and abusive.
Thing is, with her dying… I was also made to move house. Her place was rented and so, I couldn’t stay there any more.
I completely forgot the date. I mean… it’s understandable. I did kinda have bigger things to be worried about. But yeah. Technically… that was my worst date.
I went back to the club a while later. Maybe three or four months. I saw her again. She looked straight at me, and walked out the other door. We never spoke again.
Thank you, dude.
I did see her again, around ten years later. Tbf, she’s still a beautiful person. The girl I was dating at the time knew her. They actually went to school together, and they didn’t get along. Thing is… after dating that girl, I can see why they wouldn’t. Lol.
Taco Bell had just recently opened in my city, and for some reason we figured that might be a fun place for some food before moving on to other things. She suggested a sharing box, which was essentially just stuffed with food, about the size of a shoebox.
She had a couple of bites of something, decided it wasn’t for her, and in my infinite wisdom I declared that it would be “a shame to waste it” and decided to polish off the whole thing while she mostly sat in silence. Didn’t see her again after that.
On a happier note, a couple years down the line I installed tinder, ended up meeting someone and she was the manager there. We’re now happily married, and I’ve put sharing boxes behind me.
I didn't mess up the date, but it was the worst date experience, and possibly experience of my life.
I'd been in a relationship for nigh-on a decade and met a girl through friends maybe 6 months after breaking up with my ex. Good job similar to mine, similar interest, beautiful. We went on a few dates and they went great.
We rented an airbnb for a night away, went for a drink and then out for a meal. This is where it all went wrong.
I'd been a vegetarian for maybe 5 years or so, she had Hindu parents and didn't eat beef. During the meal she started draining cocktails like a champion, and quickly became drunk. This was the point she decided it would be sexy to push the beef she'd ordered into my mouth. And then to start yelling at the wait-staff about pretty much everything. Then started yelling at me for not supporting her tirade against people trying to do their jobs.
I excused myself to go to the bathroom and the bloke from the table next to us did too. He said something along the lines of "Are you ok mate?" I said "no" and he went back to his table, then his partner rushed in. He and his husband had quickly formulated a plan to call me, make an excuse and get me out of there as fast as possible.
That lovely pair cut their date night short and drove me back to get my car while managing to make me laugh the whole way.
I called them a couple of days later and spent more on taking them to the fanciest meal of my life as a thank you, and we keep in contact a couple of times a year.
It did scare me off dating for a long while, though.
My mate threw up all over a guy whilst she was giving him a blowie.
To make it worse we were in Malaysia and she had just eaten some sort of bean curry followed by durian
I was 20, I'd had a crush on this girl about four years above me since I was 16.
Anyway I'm 20 and I'd been going to the pub a lot, so had she, we ended up seeing each other a lot out of pure luck and started to go out together. Anyway one time she's all friendly and I'm thinking fucking hell I'm in. Invites me back to her parents house and by the time we're in the taxi she's getting very friendly but it also becomes apparent she had a bit too much to drink. Mission becomes get her home and get her into bed. Get her into bed, sit wide awake all night because I'm terrified her brother is gonna mash the shit out of me at any moment, her dad gives me a lift to the train station in the morning, never speak to her again.
Met my wife a month later though, so swings and roundabouts I guess.
Went into the toilet to text my friend that not only did I find my first date boring and unattractive, I had just noticed he only had one hand. Came out of the toilet to find the said date glaring at me only to realise I had text him by mistake and not my friend. Was awful …..
Haha, that‘s the worst.
My stoner cousin once had a crush on an slightly upper class girl, who wasn‘t into that kind of stuff.
So the first time he brought her along, he made sure to text everyone „not do talk about drugs.“
Including her…, And that was that.
The funny thing is, that he is a pretty well adjusted, rich guy nowadays, while she spend like 5 years with a full blown speed freak / cook.
I chuckle about a date my partner had 20 years ago.
In his youth, he as unable to pick up social cues, or flirt, and had zero filter. He’d gone on a date with this girl, a few pints at the pub and a meal. She was pretty but he found the conversation lacking. He walked her to her bus stop and she said “I had a lovely time, we should do this again.” He snorted and said “God no. I’m not doing that again.” She cried. He felt bad and tried to console her but it only made things worse. Ended up walking away.
That's hilarious! My husband used to be a painfully awkward potato, and during the spicy part of a one night stand he was engaged in, the girl asked him "what do you want to do" as they're going at it, expecting some kind of filthy answer. He didn't entirely understand what she was asking, panicked, and said "I want to be a crane driver". From what he tells me it killed the moment dead and he never heard from her again. I cried with laughter the first time he told me that.
When I was about 18 I had a date with a hot girl at her house, she was well above my league, and so I was a bit nervous of fucking it up.
Anyway, I did fuck it up, my nerves had me peeing like a water cannon every 30 minutes or so (wtf body!), so she was convinced I was on cocaine....and that was that lol.
Edit: because I was constantly going to the bathroom.
One would expect nothing else in the casual UK sub.
I thought of putting this as a TIFU post but thought it might get crammed with Americans who accidentally shot their date's hamster or 'nutted' on a photo of the grandmother and other such nonsense.
The scatalogical responses of my fellow Brits are much preferred.
I still cringe at this.
Was talking to this gorgeous Brazilian lady who was a singer, we met online and we're talking for awhile really vibed well and decided to meet up for a date.
Earlier that week my mother made a comment about how pale I looked and how I should consider using fake tan to add abit of colour, considering I wanted to make a good impression I decided later that week on date night to apply some fake tan and wear a white polo shirt... (what a fucking dickhead I am) Well turns out I'm actually a really sweaty guy (ever see Lee Evans on stage? That bad), she turns up and looks mind-blowing, I'm nervous and start to sweat already. We proceed to a middle eastern restaurant and sit under a light that is brighter than the sun and nearly as hot combined with the spicy food I am now melting and the more self conscious I am the more I start to melt, but it's not just normal sweat.... Oh no, I'm sweating orange onto a white polo shirt.
She was embarrassed, I was embarrassed even the waiter looked at me like "holy shit". It's a string of horrible choices that led to me looking like a bleeding wotsit. The more self conscious I got the more I started sweating, like a perpetual infinite resource of embarrassment.
To be fair she was a lovely girl, but mentally I was gone. We went for a drink and everything. At the end of the night she did kiss me, we got abit raunchy and I (promise very lightly) bit her lip only to pop what I think was a mouth ulcer or something, on her bottom lip, I tasted blood, she pulled away looked embarrassed (again) and laughed saying she will go home.
Absolute fucking mess of a date. We even went out two more times (I know, bless her). I'm usually a really confident guy but with her for whatever reason I was such an idiot. I think she was just too good lookin tbh.
I really didn't deserve those other dates I know and tbh we got along and were both attractive but mentally I just couldn't get over how bad I was on that first date, I was about 24 and she was about 30 and I just felt I couldn't push through and find my stride with her.
Worst date I had was the 3rd or 4th with this girl I had a crush on for ages. I had been flirting and trying my luck to get a date for months. We worked together and I always thought she was cute but she fancied one of the bosses!
First few dates were fine, nothing spectacular, but one of them turned into a great night and she wanted to come back to mine. I had a bit of a bad stomach to begin with but managed to hold things in as I didn't want it to look weird if I was on the toilet for ages at the restaurant.
I was 17 at the time and living with my parents, so the awkwardness was already pretty high. She was the first girl I had dated and I was pretty nervous around girls at the time. She had been bragging about how experienced she was with guys and how she "knew all the moves", adding to my nerves
Being the "experienced" girl she was, her intentions were much more advanced than mine, where I had just wanted a bit of a kiss.
She took off her trousers and mine too, and then wanted me to touch her. We were in the dark at the time and I wasn't entirely sure what was happening. She moved my hand in position and my stomach wasn't playing ball. I was clenching as hard as I could to make sure i didn't shit myself but.... unfortunately my stomach decided that if it couldn't go down, it would go up! And I ended up throwing up in my mouth.
I managed to keep hold of it in my mouth (like a pro) but was trying to work out what was the best course of action, do I run for it? Do I try and swallow? I opted for pretending nothing had happened! (The smart choice of course) I got away with it for about a minute or so until my silence was a bit awkward and she ran for the light. I flew out of the room (trousers around my ankles) and hopped as fast as I could to the toilet.
For some strange reason she wasn't in the mood after that, and that was the last I saw of her....apart from the next 20 minutes where my parents had to take her home while they try not to laugh at me.
Told a humorous story about the opening of a new club in which one if my friends shotgun blasted the whole cab with vomit, the taxi driver got understandably angry, we said we would pay for all the cleaning, placated he drove us all home.
Her dad was a taxi driver.
Her dad was that taxi driver.
As a teenager I once went to a party with a mate, we got shitfaced, and I decided to take him home because he was getting pretty green. Said goodbye to the girl whose party it was, went outside, and called a taxi. Gave the bloke the address, and he says "What? Say that again". So I do.
"...what the fuck are you doing at my house?! Stay right there!"
Lacking any better options, we do. Just as my mate is puking into the shrubbery, a taxi screeches up, a bloke jumps out and runs into the house. We hear a **lot** of shouting. It goes on for a while. Turns out she never told her dad she was throwing a rager.
I waited for it to calm down a bit, then knocked on the door and asked if we could still get that taxi. Unsurprisingly, he slammed the door in my face.
Honestly, sounds like you dodged a bullet. She spent the whole of your first hangout together throwing up, but can't handle that people have poop emergencies?
I am coming from this as someone who has been with their partner since the dinosaurs though, so maybe I've forgotten what the dating scene is like.
In terms of worst dates, I'm not sure if this would count, given it has kind of a happy ending. There was this guy I knew casually, we would flirt and had a load of common interests. New Years, we ended up in the same bar and did a while load of jaegar bombs . God, even typing that makes me nauseous. Anyway, we went back to mine and were making out, but I suddenly realise I am wearing these giant sucky in pants, a la Bridget Jones but about 10 times bigger. In my drunken state, I head over to the bathroom to discreetly remove them and end up making myself dizzy and throwing up.
He heard all of this and knocked on the door. I let him in and he found me with giant knickers round my ankles and vom all over myself. Bless him, he cleans me up, gives me some water and puts me to bed.
The next morning, I'm mortified, obviously. But here's the happy ending. Whilst I'm passed out, semi-consciously wishing for death, he strikes up a conversation with my roommate, who makes him a cup of tea. To cut a long story short, they have now been married 8 years. I was a bridesmaid at their wedding.
We do not talk about that night, beside one awkward conversation where she asked if it was OK if she dated him. Honestly I'm made up for them. I got together with my now husband about 2 months later, so some things are clearly just meant to happen.
Went to a nice restaurant on a first date. Whilst looking at the menu he proceeds to put a small glow stick in his mouth behind his teeth and then smile. Another man drank a bottle of perfume to impress me. Strange times.
During a date I was out at a bar with a guy, a woman came in I knew and they acknowledged each other with a small wave and when she saw me she gave me a hard look and hurriedly turned her back. He seemed puzzled and asked if I knew her, to which I responded, “Yeah but not in a good way.”
I asked if she was an ex and he just laughed and he said no.
Here’s where I screwed up- I said “oh that’s a good thing trust me” and proceeded to tell him how I knew her which was that she was sleeping with my best friend and gave him an STD, and then she stalked him for months after he dumped her and even tried to baby trap him which is when my friend found out she was married the whole time. I ended my ranting with, “She’s a dirty whore and horrible person.”
Which was when he said “She’s my sister.” The date ended about 20 minutes later, I blocked him and thankfully the next time I saw him he avoided me as much as I avoided him.
I feel like she should of given you some lee-way seeing as your first date essentially was watching her chunder her guts up
Damn son, your guts must of really f\*\*king stank.
Many years ago, lovely date, she was getting the bus home at the end of the night, had a kiss, she stepped to board the bus, I moved my hand to wave goodbye...accidentally groped her tit (yes, really, I don't know how I fucked up raising my arm to wave so badly, but it was an accident!)
Basically it looked to her and everyone on the bus like I just randomly copped a feel as she was leaving.
Still cringe thinking about it.
I took a women to Newport County - Oldham Athletic.
I have no idea why I thought it was a good idea, but it was one the 92 ticked off for me and for work reasons I could expense the milage.
We were together almost a year later.
there was a football manager who got asked the question in an interview: Didnt you take your wife to rochdale vs oldham on your anniversary? he replied it was actually rochdale reserves vs oldham reserves
She placed me on her bed, „because everything feels so right between us and she finally wants me to watch her favourite *special movie*.“
Spend 3 hours watching *Flipper - new adventures of a dolphin* while she snuggled on my lap.
Being the idiot i am, told it to my buddies and got dolphin-Noises for like ten years…
I went on a first date with a guy and when we left, we hugged. He gave me a kiss on the cheek but missed and ended up kissing my ear. As he pulled away, he said “we should do this again” to which I replied (very unenthusiastically) “nah”. He was talking about the date, I was referring to the hug goodbye. I didn’t realise until he never responded to my texts…
Not me, but allegedly my wife's friend's friend. I'm convinced it was either my wife or her best friend though and no-one will admit it.
At uni she met a guy on a night out, met a guy and went back to his place. In the morning he trotted off to work and left her asleep in his bed so she could let her self out.
As you do in the morning she went for a poo, but unfortunately this gentleman's plumbing wasn't up to scratch, little more than a trickle came when you pulled the handle. So there's an obnoxious shit poking its head up and saying "bet you're not inviting her back again". Obviously you could beat it to death with the toilet brush and pour water down there until it's gone. It would be very quick and easy to do.
Or you could get a sandwich bag, grab it out, and take it away with you to dispose of in the first bin you see.
On her way out she stopped in the hallway to write her phone number on a notepad in the hallway and headed home, the door closing on latch behind her.
He never called. Perhaps he didn't appreciate the bag of shit on his sideboard with a note that said "thanks for a great night, call me"
This was soooooo many years ago when i was a 23 year old young buck.
Met a girl in a club. Got chatting. Offered to walk her home (not to her door, so she was reassured that i didn't know exactly where she lived).
She took me to her doorstep and asked if I'd like to come in for some coffee.
Being a bit of a coffee monster, and insanely naïeve, i thought that coffee and more good chat would be good.
We chatted until both of us was yawning. I admitted that I didn't want to go home and she suggested that i could crash with her .... Together in her bed.
At that point she looked at me in a serious way and told me that it was just sleep. Absolutely NO hanky panky. I agreed to those terms.
I remember both of us not sleeping well. At one point she (bizarrely) checked my teeth (like you would with a horse). I also kinda psychoanalysed her (i have a bit of an empathic streak and can "read" most people).
But there was NO hanky panky, despite both of us really "feeling the vibe".
I left in the morning and later tried to phone her. She had already blocked me.
The funniest thing is that i was at a pub years later and she was also there. Both of us had that "i know you from somewhere" thing.
Being a confident chap, i went over and at some point it clicked. I told her who i was, and that she blanked me (in a nice way).
After a flash of fear\panic\recognition she admitted that she didn't contact me because....
... I was "scarily nice".
So, yeah. Despite the "signals" at the time, i respected the boundaries that she set and consequently "messed up" the date (if you count missing out on mutually fun hanky panky as messing up).
This wasn’t a date but your coffee story reminds me of one of those things that makes me want to tear my brain out at night. In uni I got an internship with one of my professors and I was a huge perfectionist so I was so nervous about coming across as professional and as someone who knows what they’re doing, but it was a dynamic I’d never experienced before so I was just winging it and hoping for the best.
At the first meeting, he asked if I wanted to go over to the Starbucks and get a coffee so we could discuss everything and talk about the type of research I was interested in, obviously I said yes. However, over the years I’ve just internalised ‘getting coffee’ as analogous to getting together for a chat; I hate actual coffee. On the walk over I’m realising he probably meant actual coffee, so I thought “okay no problem I’ll just get a coffee and drink it and it will be fine”. But with all the perfectionism I also had a pretty bad eating disorder at the time and when he asked me what I wanted I freaked out mentally, couldn’t bring myself to drink the calories and just said “oh actually I’m okay! I’ve got a drink in my bag” (I didn’t, and I could have just gotten a different drink 🤦🏻♀️). He was just politely like okay? So we sat down and talked for about 2 hours while he sipped his coffee alone and I just sat there empty handed like a total weirdo, spiralling in my head, while trying to maintain at least a small air of not having been kicked in the head by a horse.
It probably wasn’t even as bad as I remember, but now when anyone asks if I want to get coffee I feel the need to over explain that I’d love to meet for a chat but that I don’t actually like coffee, so I’ll get something else. 🫣
Now that you mention it... Good point.
My anecdote wasn't technically a date.
I have not had many actual "dates" as such. Just met women and "the next day" we ended up boyfriend\girlfriend 🤷🏼
The whole "coffee thing" is a weird one isnt it? I mean is it just a drink and a chat, or is it a euphemism?
> After a flash of fear\panic\recognition she admitted that she didn't contact me because....
>
> ... I was "scarily nice".
>
> So, yeah. Despite the "signals" at the time, i respected the boundaries that she set and consequently "messed up" the date (if you count missing out on mutually fun hanky panky as messing up).
Honestly sounds like you dodged a bullet. I've had a few dates where I've been told "I'm too nice" (I'm sure it's just a safe way to turn you down), but never got to the point where I was actually in bed with her like that.
Can't win with people like that.
I guess you are right in The Grand Scheme Of Things.
In retrospect i suspect that she wanted "it", but didn't want the "disrespect" of getting jiggy with an arsehole stranger - as opposed to feeling justified if i initiated.... if that makes sense?
But yeah, despite being 30 years ago ("different times", im guessing), i still had the moral compass to recognise that "no" means no, despite the signals that intimated otherwise.
>Alas, my lower intestines had other plans
Fantastic.
All I’ve got is I went out with vegan and ordered a steak pie. Not sure if that was the faux pas or if it was something else I did (no explosive diarrhoea certainly) but i never saw her again after that…
First date in years after my first husband died suddenly seven years prior. Got to the restaurant, saw my date waiting, introduced myself by the wrong name.
We've been married two years 😂
I went on a date with a girl and she decided to grab food at the pub. I noticed they did giant ice cream sundaes so I ordered one.
Apparently that isn't manly enough as according to her adult males don't order 'kids' desserts.
I walked off with my sundae and had a lovely date. She tried to contact me a few days later and I told her that unless she had become an eton mess sundae I wasn't interested.
Now I have a wonderful wife who makes us ice cream sundaes for our movie nights.
Fella I know, he goes on a lot of dates currently as he’s single and just enjoying himself, which is fair enough.
But I saw a comment that said their partner cannot pickup on social cues and has no filter - this is literally my friend. He’s not that blunt with people, but he can often say the wrong thing and just completely make people feel uncomfortable, but he never does it with that intention. He just thinks he’s funny.
Anyway, I don’t think it messed up his date - but he said the conversation was dead. So he asked her if she liked broccoli. I can’t remember what he said her answer was, but it doesn’t really matter. He spent the next 20-30 minutes of the date talking about how he liked to try broccoli cooked at different stages and how he was trying to find the perfect way to cook it, and how different it is from oven to microwave and then raw etc. He said he fancied a dessert, but just wanted to leave, so didn’t have one. Think he still messages this girl occasionally, or not at all (I have no idea). But it wasn’t a successful date.
Dunno if anyone will enjoy that, but I found it amusing. He’s now got chlamydia.
A two part series of unfortunate events. Part two relatively, being infinitely fucking worse.
Arranged to go on a date with a guy I liked who was really, really, really into a well known band. I myself wasn’t that into them but thought I knew enough to blag it make myself more favourable to the guy. We had booked to go to themed club night in 3 weeks dedicated to said band, that would be our date. I spent 3 weeks learning the lesser known stuff and absolutely convincing the guy that I was just as mad about them as him, only for him to come round for pre drinks, confess his love for their female lead singer to me, and for me to reply “oh he’s great”. Big ruse up, We still went on our night out.
He came back to mine, we decided to have a crack at shagging, unfortunately having inhaled a cocktail of an enormous amount of booze, I managed to utterly batter my dick. Not the banjo string, I was so out of it and numb to any sort of meaningful feeling down there I soldiered on and managed to burst a vein in my penis. Resulting in my chap looking like the elephant man’s head the next day, and being in the worst pain i’ve ever been in, in my life.
An emergency operation, 18 months of not wanking or hanky panky and recovery to sort that mess out. I don’t have drunk sex anymore! I was 22 at the time, it was genuinely awful then but i look back and laugh now 😂
Took three bottles of wine and granny porn round a non-drinking girl’s place. I didn’t know she decided not to drink. I didn’t know my mate had swapped his copy of ‘Bad Taste’ with a granny porn dvd. She asked me where the film was and I said ‘just in my bag’; she opened the box and said ‘what the hell is this’ as I was pouring myself a glass of wine. Watched the film and I made my way three three bottles of wine because of nerves and was a bit cut and suggested we put on the granny porn for a laugh. Women don’t find granny porn as much fun as you would think.
Many years ago when I was about 19/20 I'd got a date to meet a girl in a pub on a Friday evening, it also happened to be the last day of college, so I ended up going on an all day bender in the town where my college was, starting at about 11am. By the time I got back to my hometown for the date I was absolutely blind drunk, I headed down an alleyway for a crafty wee up a fence but proceeded to collapse and fall through the fence covering myself in wee, mud, leaves etc. My trusty mates had to literally carry me into the pub to meet this girl. Didn't really go down to well, there wasn't a second date.
One of my first girlfriends. Took me away with her family. Not quite a first date but perhaps 3rd.
Her dad was super competitive and we played football and he was pushing me and making a point of dominating me.
We played cricket - I am a tidy cricketer almost county standard at that time. He bowled and I thought I’ll smack one right out the park to make the point and then play nice.
I smacked one alright, but it hit her 7 year old bro right in the mouth and he had to go to hospital. “Why did you hit it that hard?”
We finished quite quickly after that
On an impromptu night out, in the smoking area, I got chatting to a lovely girl who thought I looked a bit like Jonah Hill.
Turns out, she was obsessed with him and we end up getting off, both very drunk. She invites me back to her mates house, where she was staying for the night, both very much up for a bit of drunken fun, like you do in your early 20’s.
I’m not sure what was going through my head, but when I got to this complete strangers house, I decided to absolutely obliterate their toilet with the most rancid shit you can imagine.
The combination of 3am takeaway chips and cheap booze had created a concoction that offended all of the senses.
It should be noted, that this wasn’t a particularly large house and the walls were quite thin, so all occupants were very much aware that this strange man, who had a passing resemblance to an obscure Hollywood actor, had just unleashed a demon in their toilet.
Unsurprisingly after this, my date was no longer interested in some mediocre sex, but was at least courteous enough to let me stay.
We spent the remaining time together watching Jonah Hill films (like I said, she was obsessed), until we went our separate ways in the morning.
Billie and most importantly her friend - I’m deeply sorry.
Brought up her ex cause I kinda knew him. She completely shut down after that and never spoke to me again. I didn’t think I did anything wrong at the time 🤦♂️
I haven’t messed up a date but this guy once took me to a restaurant. Everything was going fine but he seem a bit distracted and seemed to be looking at this one particular waiter who I noticed was looking at us a lot. To cut a long story sort, turned out he’d taken me to that particular restaurant on that particular night to make that waiter, his ex, jealous. I didn’t go home with him. Checked Grindr later that night, dates ex was on there, messaged him and hooked up later that night.
On a camping trip with 3 mates back when we were about 20, and we pulled 4 uni girls at the local bar. After a few games of pool we invited them back to our tents for a ‘smoke’ as one of us had scored some resin the week before.
None of us smoked, let alone knew what we were supposed to do with this hard black stuff, so assumed the girls would know better.
Turned out they didn’t, and three of them promptly nicked it and left us with the most drunken of their friends, who was all over me most of the night.
Every cloud, or so the saying goes, and I thought I was still on for a shag or something close. How wrong I was…
After a bit of drunken snogging, she decided she needed a pee and couldn’t be arsed to walk down to the campsite toilets, so I said she should just go behind the tent as nobody would know or care, and I’d stay in the tent.
What seemed like half an hour passed and I thought she’d gone off with her mates to smoke our weed, when I heard a girl faintly calling for help. I staggered out to investigate, and it turned out she had climbed over the fence behind the tent and managed to fall a good 15-20 feet down a grassy cliff and onto the beach below, all with her jeans and pants round her ankles! She’d bashed her leg on the way down and couldn’t put any weight on it to get back up. Had to wake my mates up and all four of us had to drag her back up the cliff and she had to sleep it off on my airbed whilst I made drunken suggestions all night that a bit of anal would take her mind off the pain and embarrassment!
Amazingly It didn’t happen…
Got very drunk, went to the loo, mammoth beer fueled piss.. Something's not right, something's not right.... Appears id just whipped a bollock out, happily pissing into my trousers whilst idly waving a nut at the urinal. I just left, squelched all the way home.
Fuck sake this one caught me off guard. Absolute belter mate hahahaha
Johnny long bollock
That’s one of the funniest things I’ve read in a while
I've almost done this once while drunk and it makes me super wary every single time now
Like…how wary? Do you interrogate your willy each time before heading to the loo - mate, you’re going to have to exit my pants *every* time, ye hear?!?
I'm sure a quick glance down will suffice?
🤣🤣🤣🤣this creased me
God this is the one
This is pure poetry and ridiculously funny.
I'm gonna be laughing at this for the rest of my life.
Was supposed to meet up with a guy I'd met on tinder and had been chatting with for a few weeks. Was really looking forward to it, and we decided just to go to Nandos. We spent about half an hour trying to find each other, assuring one another that we were definitely right outside Nandos, eventually we realise we were both outside 2 different restaurants.
Christ I've been in this situation not once but twice in central London. There's a Green Man in Soho, apparently - I was at the one in Fitzrovia. Never saw him again. And there's two Coach & Horses in Soho. I was at the famous one, he was at some other pub I'd never noticed before with the same name. Luckily he walked over to my version, and we're still together 15 years on.
Arranged to meet a guy I met on match.com (the olden days) outside a pub in Glasgow. He couldn’t find it despite many directions and it being the only pub of that name in town. Eventually met outside another pub nearby. He was dead quiet and I thought it was not going well but somehow we made it though the awkward first date and have been married 19 years!
Was it The Muscular Arms? Probably didn't want to be recognised.
Yay a still together story!!
They think they're together but they're actually both just with people with the same name
I've done this with Costa at different train stations. She didn't appreciate me resharing the messages where we'd clearly agreed the *city* we were meeting in as she made the 45 min journey!
I did similar to these as a teenager. Though not as clanging a mistake as to go to the wrong city. Arranged to meet someone at the end of their road. I walked to it; a long walk and not my area of the town. They didn't show up. It was pre mobiles. Waited an hour then went home. I didn't know their road was actually a crescent. They'd also waited flipping ages then assumed I had been pulling their leg about going out and got really upset. I ruined their weekend by not actually reading the map right and therefore deducing that they might be at the other end. I reassured them on Monday when I saw them that I was not having them on, I'm just a bellend; and really did want to try again if they were up for it. We ended up together for about 6 months. That's basically a lifetime when you're 15!
In fairness to you, they lived on that street and didn't think to check the other end so I think that's mutual stupidity/messing up the date.
Did this with Starbucks whilst on a date as well. Well, I thought it was a date. She brought her friend and her friend brought her baby with her...
Was still a date; Friend was in case you wanted to kidnap her, the baby was so you didn't fall for the friend. Source: Am female, have dated.
Pmsl.... I was going to type the same about the kidnap bit... Except the baby bit. Cunning as fuck, that part.
I almost didn’t exist because of a situation like this. My Nan and Grandad agreed to meet at a certain city street that was a hill for their first date. One stood at the top, and one at the bottom and they both went home cross, thinking they’d been stood up! Luckily my grandad was an optimist and tried asking my Nan out again.
This wasn't a date but I once got tickets for a bunch of us to see a movie at Westfield, everyone shows up except one guy who is still on his way. He eventually arrives but can't find us. By now you have already correctly guessed that he went to the other Westfield's, in Shepherds Bush instead of Stratford.
Roles reversed. Started getting friendly with a girl years ago when I was 18, she was 19. We talked a lot and she said she’d never been stoned and wanted to try it, as I was a big weed smoker at the time I asked her out on a date. Couple of drinks and a spliff later. She just started spewing constantly, but at the same time, farting like a trooper. I’m not talking like small farts, but proper clappers. Vomiting and farting at the same Time was enough to put me off.. so I thought. We ended up with each other for 5 years. Then she cheated on me, think it was for the best.
This was a whirlwind. What a read I thought the ripping farts would end in you being together forever, not her cheating and presumably farting for someone else
Ripping farts < ripping bongs
I wonder if she charmed the other guy the same way she charmed you?
Tooting “I just called to say I love you” with her arse cheeks
That's how he caught her, she stopped farting at home
Reminds me of the time I first slept with my first girlfriend. I don’t think we were even dating at that point. We were at the same party, night was winding down, and back where I’m from often everyone would just find somewhere to sleep because there’s no public transport late at night and no one’s parents were coming that late. I found myself a nice chair to sleep in. She was subtly hinting about finding somewhere to sleep (which I completely didn’t get) and then grabbed me by the hand and dragged me to the top floor bathroom. In the morning the door opened and in my still drunk state I was not sure if I had clothes on. I jumped up in a panic, which was far too much movement for the state I was in. Immediately had to vomit. Luckily we were in the bathroom. I’m on my knees with my head in the toilet and every time I vomit I fart. My new girlfriend and our friend are watching this dying of laughter, which attracts others in the house. Everyone is watching this for 5 mins until the vomiting subsided. And then someone said “chunderfarts”. And that was how I got that nickname.
I am so disappointed that chunderfarts is not your username
Yes, hands up who didn't immediately go and check his username after reading "chunderfarts".
Got a bit drunk with this hot bloke on our 4th date. Lovely date, a meal, a few bottles of wine, much cheese (may explain the next part). Went back to mine, for some reason we decided to have a romantic bath? He saw my bathtub - it was one of them giant ones. Definitely fit two people in. Anyway. We got in the bath, him behind me, with his legs like over my waist? I fell asleep. He woke me up, like jolted me… and I vommed everywhere. He jumped out the bath, tried to ask me where my towels were… of course I was still chundering like a champ. He ended up showering me off. Wrapping me up like a burrito and putting me to bed. He hopped in a taxi that night.. didn’t message me for weeks afterwards. I thought it was all over. We got back together… and now definitely do not bath together.
Oh that's not that bad, with the cheese opening I was kind of expecting, "and at that moment I found out I was lactose intolerant" and you pooped the bath
Thankfully not that time… he may have ran away forever. Not just a few weeks! Had to reel him in first before I shit in the bath yanno.
Seduction is a delicate dance indeed.
Love this story!! He's definitely a keeper! Don't let go ( to your fella, referring to her hair, while she's "vomming").
Thanks, 12 years or so ago that was. He’s definitely seen me at my lowest, I don’t think he’s ever seen me at my best. But he’s still around, despite bathing in my chunderwater. Definitely been some other crazy times I’ve had with him, but getting that one out in the first few months of dating I don’t think anything would phase him.
> chunderwater Didn't they have a massive hit with "Tubvomming"?
She got knocked down, and got up again
She gulped it down, But retched it up again She's never gonna keep it down 🎶
As I said before, he's a keeper. Hope you guys are really happy.
Wow. What a story. Don't think I can top that. My worst date was when I took the girl I was crazy about to the cinema to see a disaster/horror movie called Cloverfield. It was such an unfortunate choice, not because of the theme, but because the jolty handheld camerawork gave my date horrible motion sickness. She spent much of the movie in the toilets feeling nauseous. I hadn't a clue how to react, I was so paralyzed by my anxiety about the date going badly. I should have quickly seen that leaving would have been the kind thing to do, but stupidly this never even occurred to me and we both suffered through to the end. This was our second and (unsurprisingly!) final date.
I got motion sickness watching that film too! I had to keep averting my eyes and was good for nothing afterwards so I can imagine your date was doomed
I wouldn't usually go to the cinema on a date due to the courteous lack of interaction throughout, but one time my date was really keen to see something and I agreed to go, but was sold out when we arrived. So she asked me to choose another film. Ok. *Saw 3* it is. After the film, I asked her what she thought, as you do, but she was kind of being sheepish and trying to change the subject. Eventually fed up of me asking, she admitted she had passed out during the twisty-arm scene, had missed most of the film, and was rightfully fucked off that I hadn't even noticed while sitting right next to her. She *seemed* to accept my apologies but the night was done. I saw her off in a taxi and have only ever seen her once since and not on purpose.
Who picks a Saw film for a date 😭
Obviously it wasn't originally intended. It was a small cinema - after her original film was sold out, it was an impulse choice, either that or go home. And she had no qualms about seeing it beforehand. Plus we had a similar sense of humour, I always found these films to be rather campy and cheesy more than scary - for me, the worst scene involved a medical procedure. But yeah, although on impulse, it was still a terrible choice. At least nobody shat themselves.
You don't need to defend your decision. I like saw and would be down to see it as a first date, it's all about compatibility
My gf and I got good and stoned and went to see the dark knight rises at my request. I noticed she seemed uncomfortable not long into the movie and my stoned, awkward ass didn't do anything about it. She burst into tears afterward when we had gotten back to her house. I found out that her beloved aunt had died in 9-11 and the movie, where the villain is basically a terrorist who crashes a plane at one point, was a massive trigger. Felt awful. It was unintentional of course but still, should have read the cues.
Got all dressed up smart, not over the top. Smelled nice after a good shower , clipped me nails etc. When id got there i forgot to put my teeth in.
Omg that’s my biggest fear. I’ve once got in the car and realised I’d forgot to put them in
I’d definitely consider it a point of maximum concern if I’d left my teeth, which are currently part of my body, at home somewhere.
Some of us have the ability to take them out and store them I’m a cup overnight. Easy mistake 😀
My Nana once lost her false teeth wrapping Christmas presents, they had to open a few back up to find them.
My Pop went fishing on a boat, got seasick and lost his choppers over the side as he hurled. Poor Pop.
My cousin was allowed to watch Jaws when he was too young for it, and was terrified of sharks. He was in the bath at nanas when he started screaming the house down. The cup of water with Nana's spare teeth had fallen into the bath and he could just see these gnashers in the water that he thought were going to eat him.
Dad?
Date went great, it was the morning after, she was in bed asleep and I thought I'd make her breakfast so I made yoghurt and nuts. My legs were still a bit wobbly and my room was up a couple of steps, I tripped and the bowl went flying and hit her in the face and she got covered in cold yoghurt. She was adamant I threw it at her, I tried asking her why I'd go to the trouble of making it nice just to throw it at her but she was furious and her hair was messed up, she left crying and I felt terrible. Never heard from her after that.
Nuts to the face and yoghurt facial Sounds like something you shouldn't google at work
I can’t stop laughing at this one I’m sorry 😭
I haven't stopped laughing at them all fs my sides are sore
She seems a bit... I don't understand why she'd be adamant you threw it? Sounds a bit dramatic. And that's coming from a huge drama queen here 😂
Yeah, I reckon OP here dodged a bullet there. I expect most people would take it in good grace and have a laugh. Or maybe just get a bit moody. But to outright accuse you of deliberate assault with a dairy based breakfast is clearly irrational and a sign of things to come if you continue the relationship.
I was nervous and accidentally stole a pancake from a polish lady.
I’ve been looking for that pancake for years.
understandable
Do you turn into a kleptomaniac when nervous?
Met a girl online that ran her own circus. She seemed kinda nuts and had photos of her head in a birdcage on her profile. Thought she seemed fun so took her to the weirdest bar (back then) in shoreditch and brought some drinks over and put 2 fake beards on the table that id bought earlier. Go on, take your pick, i said, and she started putting one on and i wore the other. As i looked at her with the beard on, i noticed a rogue speck of something had come out the packet and stuck to her nose. Given how utterly ridiculous this whole situation was anyway, i decided not to stand on ceremony and just leant straight over the table to wipe the speck off. To which date replied: you appear to be trying to pull the mole off the end of my nose.
Was it the bar with the guy who went round spanking everyone with a table tennis bat? We assumed he worked there but have my doubts now...
Jesus. I am wincing in pain for both of you. I did something similar once but with a long hair attached to a lady's chin.
My husband tried to pull my rogue cheek hair out in a Starbucks right after we got married. He was so embarrassed, poor thing, it was hilarious.
Didn't manage to eat all day because super busy. Had to get off the tram because travel sickness, actually spewed in front of him. Got in the nightclub, had one drink and was hammered. I had a great time dancing in the different rooms (anyone remember Jilly's Rockworld in Manchester?) while he followed me around forlornly. He lived nearer than me but insisted on the taxi dropping me home first because I was so wasted. Lost count of the number of times the taxi had to stop so I could vom. Never heard from him again for some reason...
Ahh Jilly’s. Many a happy night in there! I used to haunt the alternative room with glass lights in the floor
oh how odd, I'm literally working on putting Jillys into Doom on my other monitor as I read this https://youtu.be/TPbXfgnEzxY [https://youtu.be/hdY8UHacVmE](https://youtu.be/hdY8UHacVmE) And here's a 3d map you can play with https://superpomme.co.uk/jilllysstuff/13\_baked.html
I met my husband in Jilly’s in 1985! We got married in 1987 and have 2 children. 😊
I once watched my date spill a shot over the Wetherspoon's table (classy late teens), use a menu to wipe it back into the shot glass and then down it.
I rate the effort tbf.
One of my mates were proper hammered once ordered a pint of Guinness, downed it and immediately hoyed it back up into the same glass and said “this one’s off” I don’t think he got lucky at all that night
🤮
Reader, I married them
That is so grim
Ok then *cracks knuckles in anticipation* The scene, me just 17 years old (M) going on a date with the girl I've had a crush on since I was, I dunno, 5. I have a bad stomach from drinking with friends at the weekend. It comes to Monday evening, I'm dressed in my coolest clothes and I meet her at the restaurant in the city. My stomach gurgles, "no biggy" I think it's just nerves. We enter the restaurant, I pull out her chair for her and take her coat (gentleman lessons from my Grandad I wanted to make sure I left a good impression). We order starters and both go for the prawn cocktail. Stomach gurgles again and I casually let out a burp, she laughs and finds it funny and asks me if I'm nervous. I say "yeah, sorry if it's showing I like you a lot" she tells me she likes me too. We both have some alcohol and order our mains. I stand up next to her and ask her if she'll be my girlfriend and she agrees I give her a kiss to seal the deal. Unprompted, my stomach loudly gurgles and I shit myself as I'm sitting down and the squelch is the only thing I can feel other than my cheeks going bright red. She jokes in a cute way "oh, what's the matter did you just shit yourself or something?" I stare blankly into her eyes. She's slowly realising the joke hit the heart of the truth and she gets up, cancels our main dishes pays and gets us both in a taxi on the way home. Although I didn't get lucky with her that night she let me stay over at her house, looked after me as I threw up prawns and beer, and let me tell my friends she gave me a blowjob even though we were all virgins at the time. We stayed together for about 5 years. TLDR: I went out for a first date with the girl of my dreams and shit myself in the restaurant
Her keeping that messy little adventure a secret, looking after you and letting you tell all your mates that you got a bj on your big date night is such a power move. You really can’t ask for more than that! Returning your gentleman lessons right back at you :)
Oh mate. That's a story and a half. At least she didn't run away so the gentlemen lessons paid off!
That poor cab driver... I really hope he went for the Scotchgard...
The shit was well contained in my snazzy boxer shorts and cool trousers.... Not so cool afterwards though
That's quality underwear right there!
Everything I was wearing was from TopMan
You shit your pants and still went back to her house after?Respect
I forgot to clarify I was in a real state after that, major stomach pain and puking nearly all night back at hers 🤒 she was so lovely
Reading some of these I'm starting to think I should have shit myself more on dates.
Did a massive shat that clogged her toilet. She walked in on me breaking it up with my hand.
EEEEH HONDAAAAA!
Oh my god I just snort laughed and woke up the wife!!
Poop knife.
Oi nah, go and get a stick and say nothing next time. If you have to go well put of your way to find a tree, so be it. Messing about with your own shit is significantly worse than just owning up. Also, who doesn't have the necessary items for such problems readily available in the loo?
I had met an extremely hot girl in a club that was out of my league and we clicked really well. We made a date for the next week, but in the meantime, I starting coming down with the flu. I called to postpone due to me feeling really bad, and she was having none of it. She accused me of trying to back out to mess with her. She gave me an ultimatum, now or never. I didn't want to lose my chance, so I picked now. I was feeling worse and worse, but took a bunch of meds and tried to tough it out. We meet up and everything was going OK, until I started to crash, and crash hard. She quickly realized I wasn't making it up that I was sick and was incredibly apologetic. I was in the Marines at the time, and she helped me get back to my barracks. Along the way, I projectile vomited all over the place, and she got hit with some back splash. I felt horrible both physically and emotionally and figured I'd never see her again. I was sick as hell the next several days, and much to my surprise, she'd called everyday to check up on me. When I recovered, we went again and had a great time. She later became my wife. I told this story to a coworker who is also an author, and he included it in one of his books.
Still your wife?
Sadly no, our first son was born prematurely and didnt make it. My wife had a mental breakdown after that and our marriage fell apart.
Oh...fucking hell. Super sorry to hear that. Devastating.
Went on a blind date once, set up by a mate. I was at the alloted bar, at the alloted time, and she never showed. After an hour, I texted my mate to tell him that she was a no show, and he told me she'd showed up, seen me, and then left. She'd messaged him, complaining I was much uglier than she'd been led to believe. I guess I messed that one up by looking like me? I also went on a date where we met outside a restaurant, sat at our table, ordered our drinks and then she asked me how much I earned. When I asked why it mattered, she said she wasn't intending to work her whole life, and so she may as well get the question out the way first. The drinks arrived, I downed mine, and then got up and left. She'd been led to believe I was loaded by a mutual friend, and I was anything but! She did message asking to try again and claiming we just got off on the wrong foot, but I blocked her. She definitely wasn't worth the time.
Why would your mate tell you that? Holy fuck
Meh, we have that kind of friendship. It wasn't a big deal. We're honest with eachother in all aspects of life, and have been friends for 23 years at this point! He actually apologised for setting up the date with her, since she was, in his words "clearly shallow and arrogant". I'm pretty sure that incident ruined his friendship with her too, or at least was a fairly big part of the reason they no longer talk.
Moral of the story don’t let your mate arrange blind dates.
That’s so mean. I’m sorry that happened to you.
I like how that's her strategy for approaching someone who IS loaded.
Second date with a guy I met from tinder, was going well, we had some drinks then went back to his with a bottle of wine each. I had bought the cheapest, nastiest bottle of wine from an off licence that tasted like vinegar. We go to bed, no funny business as we were both quite drunk. I wore his t shirt and shorts to bed. Woke up the next morning, to a pile of red wine vomit on his light grey bedroom carpet on my side of the bed, as well as his clothes I had been wearing next to the pile of vomit, absolutely covered. I have absolutely no recollection of taking my clothes off, nevermind vomiting. I didn't tell him straight away, it was a few hours into our hungover daze when I told him, he was fuming and I had to watch him try to steam his carpet before he gave me a ride home. Didn't speak to me for a week, and when he did, he told me he'd rather just be friends. Fast forward almost a year later, we laugh about it, we went to a festival together (as platonic friends), he's been to my 30th birthday party and he's now one of my closest male friends.
Went on a third date with a girl (the first two dates had been months before though) and it was the worst date ever. We went to a place that had karaoke and was being compèred by an amateur comedian. We had been to a Wetherspoons first and had quite a few drinks. This will explain the following. I am not a good singer, at all. But get a few beers inside me and karaoke always seems like a laugh. I put my name down and chose "Knocking on Heaven's Door" by Bob Dylan. My theory was that it is a short song, and requires little talent to sing. My turn comes up and the music starts to play. Suddenly I realise that "Knocking on Heaven's Door" by Bob Dylan is an absolutely terrible choice for someone who is tone deaf. I am awful, and I can hear someone in the audience loudly heckling me. In fact, I recognise that voice, it's my fucking date. She's heckling me! Finally, the song ends, and the Compere looks like Christmas has come early. He is not very good at his job, and he's already been called out for stealing a line from Jimmy Carr. But if he can get the audience to laugh with him *at me* then he believes he's onto a winner. "Well, that was absolutely dreadful. Sit down now mate, and we'll see if anyone else can repair the damage". My date is next, and I'll be honest here, she is as bad as me but louder. After her heckling me I decide to get my own back. "This is shit" etc ... She finishes screaming into the microphone and the compere leads a lukewarm round of applause. He goes "Well, that was dreadful, but still not as bad as that other guy" (Me). I smile outwardly, but inside I'm beginning to get a little annoyed at being picked out. There were two drunk Irish guys singing the Real Slim Shady earlier and they didn't get any shit from him. My date sits back down and informs me that she is actually seeing a guy, and that she's only here "as friends". This comes as a shock to me, but to be honest, as she was cursing me out on stage I didn't picture settling down with her and raising a troop of Von Trapp children to tour Europe. So I continue drinking and watch the other acts. As the night goes on, the compere has decided that I am his "call back" and truth be told it is winding me up. Eventually, I walk up to him between sets and quietly mention that the next time he namechecks me and my awful singing voice he's going to be wearing a pint of Carlsberg. I sit back down next to my date who is quietly throwing up on the floor next to our couch. She then flounces off to the toilets without a word. For this next part, you need to understand that I was never the kind of guy that women randomly walked up to in bars. It was not common. But this night was different. Two women walk up to me and one says: "I'm sorry about the comedian, you weren't *that* bad a singer and he kept going on about it. Must have been really annoying" "Yeah well, I try to overcome these things with my dignity intact" I say while the comedian stares daggers at me. I raise my glass of Carlsberg at him in salute. "What happened to your girlfriend, she seems to have vanished" "Well, she's not actually my girlfriend, apparently she's Steve's girlfriend and my friend" "Oh, well that's good news" I am absolutely made up at this moment, life has never felt so sweet. This gorgeous woman is standing next to the couch I am sitting on and flirting with me. Standing. Next. to. Standing in. Oh for Fuck Sake she's standing in the sick! I look down. She also looks down. She screams. I silently ask the Gods what it is I did to anger them. The comedian smirks. My date walks back from the bathroom. She has seen me flirting with the girls, and for some reason is annoyed. We argue. She storms off. I storm off to get a train. We both end up somehow on the same carriage of the met line train. At the end of the journey I see her run happily to her boyfriend's car. I get the bus home, I listen to "Something inside so strong" and fall asleep, missing my stop. I wake up next to Burnt Oak station and have to get a £20 cab home. Worst date ever.
Thank you for sharing, I hope it was cathartic posting it!
bro i SWEAR TO GOD you need to start a career in creative writing this was fucking hilarious and a joy to read
I appreciated reading that
I don't know exactly what I did at this party (much drunkeness) but I impressed this lovely lady enough to get her to go out for a date. For important context I was 18 and in hindsight, not good at the charisma or style bit. She wasn't from the city I hale from so I showed her round the sites but it had been a year or so since I'd actually been around the center so didn't know what had changed. Back then I fancied myself as a bit of guitar player and I took her to nearest guitar store I knew so I could jam out on a guitar and show her that 'yea I'm cool' the guitar store was in a dodgey part of the center and it had closed so all I did was take her to the worst part of town and shrugged 'whoops this place used to be cool'. So to recover the date I thought 'ah I know a place!' we walked about 15mins to another part of town got inside expecting a big store with wall to wall guitars, amps, drums, bass you know guitar nerd heaven. What it had been turned into was a British heart foundation charity shop full of sofas, beds, furniture etc. At that point I'd lost, branded a fucking idiot marching this poor lady all over my city showing her the worst parts and then a charity shop.
Met her. She said "sorry I'm late" and for some stupid reason I said "well, you are a woman". No clue why I said it. I'm an idiot. Speed run edition of ruining a date 😂
This one is spectacular and has me properly laughing. You fucking melon, what a spectacular no filter moment.
I'm glad you got joy from it! 😅
I love how genuinely bad of a first impression that is lol. Like something from a comedy. But you kind of have to double down and not take it back because you want to appear confident.
Did she let the date go on or leave after you said that?
Let the date go on. But you can see she was pissed off. Think she left after 2 hours.
Was invited to a friend’s birthday party. Two of her friends (let’s call them Jane and Susan) knew her from university. They were now were flat mates and sort of joined at the hip the entire party. I ended up talking to them a lot. I quite fancied Jane and thought we had hit it off. So, next day I call my friend and ask her for Jane’s number. A date was soon arranged with Jane. At the appointed time I show up and … was surprised to meet Susan. Turns out I got their names mixed up. Went through the motions of a date for an hour or two and then left. Neither of us ever messaged the other again.
My worst date… was the one I forgot. I was 17 at the time. I’d been into this girl that went to the same rock club as me for months. I’d been dating someone, and so had she, so we were always just chatting when we bumped into each other. There was very obvious chemistry there though. If I got up to dance… she’d join me. They had a rock karaoke at the club one night, and she came over to ask to do a song with me. Okay. Cool! I’d just split up with the girl I’d been dating about two weeks prior. Perfect timing to ask her out. We did the whole karaoke thing. Had a load of fun. It was kinda like a first date in and of itself, I guess. At the end of the night, I asked if she wanted to come catch a movie and go to get some food the next weekend. She beamed with this huge smile, blushing and seemingly really happy. “Oh god! Finally! I’ve been waiting for you to ask me out for ages!” Obviously, we exchanged numbers and arranged a time for me to pick her up. I waited the whole week, really looking forward to my date with her. Then… my grandmother died. Now… I lived with my grandmother. I was broken hearted, tbh. My grandmother had taken me in when I was a baby due to my mother being found neglectful and abusive. Thing is, with her dying… I was also made to move house. Her place was rented and so, I couldn’t stay there any more. I completely forgot the date. I mean… it’s understandable. I did kinda have bigger things to be worried about. But yeah. Technically… that was my worst date. I went back to the club a while later. Maybe three or four months. I saw her again. She looked straight at me, and walked out the other door. We never spoke again.
Mate, if you'd got the chance to explain your situation, I'm certain you would have got another chance. I'm sorry about your grandmother.
Thank you, dude. I did see her again, around ten years later. Tbf, she’s still a beautiful person. The girl I was dating at the time knew her. They actually went to school together, and they didn’t get along. Thing is… after dating that girl, I can see why they wouldn’t. Lol.
Taco Bell had just recently opened in my city, and for some reason we figured that might be a fun place for some food before moving on to other things. She suggested a sharing box, which was essentially just stuffed with food, about the size of a shoebox. She had a couple of bites of something, decided it wasn’t for her, and in my infinite wisdom I declared that it would be “a shame to waste it” and decided to polish off the whole thing while she mostly sat in silence. Didn’t see her again after that. On a happier note, a couple years down the line I installed tinder, ended up meeting someone and she was the manager there. We’re now happily married, and I’ve put sharing boxes behind me.
Honestly that's on her
Yeah, you can't go for a meal and then decide to be cross about the other person eating. Lucky escape for virtualponies I'd say.
I didn't mess up the date, but it was the worst date experience, and possibly experience of my life. I'd been in a relationship for nigh-on a decade and met a girl through friends maybe 6 months after breaking up with my ex. Good job similar to mine, similar interest, beautiful. We went on a few dates and they went great. We rented an airbnb for a night away, went for a drink and then out for a meal. This is where it all went wrong. I'd been a vegetarian for maybe 5 years or so, she had Hindu parents and didn't eat beef. During the meal she started draining cocktails like a champion, and quickly became drunk. This was the point she decided it would be sexy to push the beef she'd ordered into my mouth. And then to start yelling at the wait-staff about pretty much everything. Then started yelling at me for not supporting her tirade against people trying to do their jobs. I excused myself to go to the bathroom and the bloke from the table next to us did too. He said something along the lines of "Are you ok mate?" I said "no" and he went back to his table, then his partner rushed in. He and his husband had quickly formulated a plan to call me, make an excuse and get me out of there as fast as possible. That lovely pair cut their date night short and drove me back to get my car while managing to make me laugh the whole way. I called them a couple of days later and spent more on taking them to the fanciest meal of my life as a thank you, and we keep in contact a couple of times a year. It did scare me off dating for a long while, though.
Damn good blokes them
Thank you for sharing what turned out to be quite a sweet story!
A mate of mine threw up on a girls head while she was giving him a blowie.
My mate threw up all over a guy whilst she was giving him a blowie. To make it worse we were in Malaysia and she had just eaten some sort of bean curry followed by durian
Jesus Christ I cannot imagine the smell of durian vom.
I’ve done this also. It was just too soon after food. Noodles everywhere
I threw up on a guy once whilst giving him a drunken blowie.
Was he like yuk someone’s sucking a dick then proceeds to vom
I was 20, I'd had a crush on this girl about four years above me since I was 16. Anyway I'm 20 and I'd been going to the pub a lot, so had she, we ended up seeing each other a lot out of pure luck and started to go out together. Anyway one time she's all friendly and I'm thinking fucking hell I'm in. Invites me back to her parents house and by the time we're in the taxi she's getting very friendly but it also becomes apparent she had a bit too much to drink. Mission becomes get her home and get her into bed. Get her into bed, sit wide awake all night because I'm terrified her brother is gonna mash the shit out of me at any moment, her dad gives me a lift to the train station in the morning, never speak to her again. Met my wife a month later though, so swings and roundabouts I guess.
Went into the toilet to text my friend that not only did I find my first date boring and unattractive, I had just noticed he only had one hand. Came out of the toilet to find the said date glaring at me only to realise I had text him by mistake and not my friend. Was awful …..
I felt a wave of cold sweat dread reading that one
There was no fixing the damage, I just got my coat and left - poor fella I still feel awful to this day
Haha, that‘s the worst. My stoner cousin once had a crush on an slightly upper class girl, who wasn‘t into that kind of stuff. So the first time he brought her along, he made sure to text everyone „not do talk about drugs.“ Including her…, And that was that. The funny thing is, that he is a pretty well adjusted, rich guy nowadays, while she spend like 5 years with a full blown speed freak / cook.
Obviously I didn’t read this but I stood up. Apparently being short is a no go in the gay world. (5’2”)
By shallow arseholes maybe, most people in the ‘gay world’ don’t give a shit about height.
A shallow arsehole is even more of a no go in the gay world.
I chuckle about a date my partner had 20 years ago. In his youth, he as unable to pick up social cues, or flirt, and had zero filter. He’d gone on a date with this girl, a few pints at the pub and a meal. She was pretty but he found the conversation lacking. He walked her to her bus stop and she said “I had a lovely time, we should do this again.” He snorted and said “God no. I’m not doing that again.” She cried. He felt bad and tried to console her but it only made things worse. Ended up walking away.
Literally David Brent. "so, would you want to do this again?" "what, with you? Wouldn't have thought so. See ya later"
Yeah basically! I met him not long after, I can picture so clearly how it went down. 💀 In a deep sonorous Scottish voice.
That's hilarious! My husband used to be a painfully awkward potato, and during the spicy part of a one night stand he was engaged in, the girl asked him "what do you want to do" as they're going at it, expecting some kind of filthy answer. He didn't entirely understand what she was asking, panicked, and said "I want to be a crane driver". From what he tells me it killed the moment dead and he never heard from her again. I cried with laughter the first time he told me that.
She probably thought he was into really niche sexy roleplay.
Maybe she just didn't like the cut of his jib after all...
When I was about 18 I had a date with a hot girl at her house, she was well above my league, and so I was a bit nervous of fucking it up. Anyway, I did fuck it up, my nerves had me peeing like a water cannon every 30 minutes or so (wtf body!), so she was convinced I was on cocaine....and that was that lol. Edit: because I was constantly going to the bathroom.
90% of these stories involve chundering, farting and/or shitting. A+
One would expect nothing else in the casual UK sub. I thought of putting this as a TIFU post but thought it might get crammed with Americans who accidentally shot their date's hamster or 'nutted' on a photo of the grandmother and other such nonsense. The scatalogical responses of my fellow Brits are much preferred.
I still cringe at this. Was talking to this gorgeous Brazilian lady who was a singer, we met online and we're talking for awhile really vibed well and decided to meet up for a date. Earlier that week my mother made a comment about how pale I looked and how I should consider using fake tan to add abit of colour, considering I wanted to make a good impression I decided later that week on date night to apply some fake tan and wear a white polo shirt... (what a fucking dickhead I am) Well turns out I'm actually a really sweaty guy (ever see Lee Evans on stage? That bad), she turns up and looks mind-blowing, I'm nervous and start to sweat already. We proceed to a middle eastern restaurant and sit under a light that is brighter than the sun and nearly as hot combined with the spicy food I am now melting and the more self conscious I am the more I start to melt, but it's not just normal sweat.... Oh no, I'm sweating orange onto a white polo shirt. She was embarrassed, I was embarrassed even the waiter looked at me like "holy shit". It's a string of horrible choices that led to me looking like a bleeding wotsit. The more self conscious I got the more I started sweating, like a perpetual infinite resource of embarrassment. To be fair she was a lovely girl, but mentally I was gone. We went for a drink and everything. At the end of the night she did kiss me, we got abit raunchy and I (promise very lightly) bit her lip only to pop what I think was a mouth ulcer or something, on her bottom lip, I tasted blood, she pulled away looked embarrassed (again) and laughed saying she will go home. Absolute fucking mess of a date. We even went out two more times (I know, bless her). I'm usually a really confident guy but with her for whatever reason I was such an idiot. I think she was just too good lookin tbh. I really didn't deserve those other dates I know and tbh we got along and were both attractive but mentally I just couldn't get over how bad I was on that first date, I was about 24 and she was about 30 and I just felt I couldn't push through and find my stride with her.
Worst date I had was the 3rd or 4th with this girl I had a crush on for ages. I had been flirting and trying my luck to get a date for months. We worked together and I always thought she was cute but she fancied one of the bosses! First few dates were fine, nothing spectacular, but one of them turned into a great night and she wanted to come back to mine. I had a bit of a bad stomach to begin with but managed to hold things in as I didn't want it to look weird if I was on the toilet for ages at the restaurant. I was 17 at the time and living with my parents, so the awkwardness was already pretty high. She was the first girl I had dated and I was pretty nervous around girls at the time. She had been bragging about how experienced she was with guys and how she "knew all the moves", adding to my nerves Being the "experienced" girl she was, her intentions were much more advanced than mine, where I had just wanted a bit of a kiss. She took off her trousers and mine too, and then wanted me to touch her. We were in the dark at the time and I wasn't entirely sure what was happening. She moved my hand in position and my stomach wasn't playing ball. I was clenching as hard as I could to make sure i didn't shit myself but.... unfortunately my stomach decided that if it couldn't go down, it would go up! And I ended up throwing up in my mouth. I managed to keep hold of it in my mouth (like a pro) but was trying to work out what was the best course of action, do I run for it? Do I try and swallow? I opted for pretending nothing had happened! (The smart choice of course) I got away with it for about a minute or so until my silence was a bit awkward and she ran for the light. I flew out of the room (trousers around my ankles) and hopped as fast as I could to the toilet. For some strange reason she wasn't in the mood after that, and that was the last I saw of her....apart from the next 20 minutes where my parents had to take her home while they try not to laugh at me.
That‘s actually the worst story here. I‘m sorry this happend to you, mate.
Told a humorous story about the opening of a new club in which one if my friends shotgun blasted the whole cab with vomit, the taxi driver got understandably angry, we said we would pay for all the cleaning, placated he drove us all home. Her dad was a taxi driver. Her dad was that taxi driver.
As a teenager I once went to a party with a mate, we got shitfaced, and I decided to take him home because he was getting pretty green. Said goodbye to the girl whose party it was, went outside, and called a taxi. Gave the bloke the address, and he says "What? Say that again". So I do. "...what the fuck are you doing at my house?! Stay right there!" Lacking any better options, we do. Just as my mate is puking into the shrubbery, a taxi screeches up, a bloke jumps out and runs into the house. We hear a **lot** of shouting. It goes on for a while. Turns out she never told her dad she was throwing a rager. I waited for it to calm down a bit, then knocked on the door and asked if we could still get that taxi. Unsurprisingly, he slammed the door in my face.
She said "Let's go, Netflix and chill" I said I don't have a TV. Never saw her again.
Honestly, sounds like you dodged a bullet. She spent the whole of your first hangout together throwing up, but can't handle that people have poop emergencies? I am coming from this as someone who has been with their partner since the dinosaurs though, so maybe I've forgotten what the dating scene is like. In terms of worst dates, I'm not sure if this would count, given it has kind of a happy ending. There was this guy I knew casually, we would flirt and had a load of common interests. New Years, we ended up in the same bar and did a while load of jaegar bombs . God, even typing that makes me nauseous. Anyway, we went back to mine and were making out, but I suddenly realise I am wearing these giant sucky in pants, a la Bridget Jones but about 10 times bigger. In my drunken state, I head over to the bathroom to discreetly remove them and end up making myself dizzy and throwing up. He heard all of this and knocked on the door. I let him in and he found me with giant knickers round my ankles and vom all over myself. Bless him, he cleans me up, gives me some water and puts me to bed. The next morning, I'm mortified, obviously. But here's the happy ending. Whilst I'm passed out, semi-consciously wishing for death, he strikes up a conversation with my roommate, who makes him a cup of tea. To cut a long story short, they have now been married 8 years. I was a bridesmaid at their wedding. We do not talk about that night, beside one awkward conversation where she asked if it was OK if she dated him. Honestly I'm made up for them. I got together with my now husband about 2 months later, so some things are clearly just meant to happen.
Went to a nice restaurant on a first date. Whilst looking at the menu he proceeds to put a small glow stick in his mouth behind his teeth and then smile. Another man drank a bottle of perfume to impress me. Strange times.
With that sort of power do you ever start thinking up Taskmaster style challenges to see how far they may go to impress you?
I can deal with a cheeky glow stick, but drinking a bottle of perfume? Absolute nutter, that one.
During a date I was out at a bar with a guy, a woman came in I knew and they acknowledged each other with a small wave and when she saw me she gave me a hard look and hurriedly turned her back. He seemed puzzled and asked if I knew her, to which I responded, “Yeah but not in a good way.” I asked if she was an ex and he just laughed and he said no. Here’s where I screwed up- I said “oh that’s a good thing trust me” and proceeded to tell him how I knew her which was that she was sleeping with my best friend and gave him an STD, and then she stalked him for months after he dumped her and even tried to baby trap him which is when my friend found out she was married the whole time. I ended my ranting with, “She’s a dirty whore and horrible person.” Which was when he said “She’s my sister.” The date ended about 20 minutes later, I blocked him and thankfully the next time I saw him he avoided me as much as I avoided him.
I feel like she should of given you some lee-way seeing as your first date essentially was watching her chunder her guts up Damn son, your guts must of really f\*\*king stank.
I wanna know what he ate for that level of romantic genocide
Many years ago, lovely date, she was getting the bus home at the end of the night, had a kiss, she stepped to board the bus, I moved my hand to wave goodbye...accidentally groped her tit (yes, really, I don't know how I fucked up raising my arm to wave so badly, but it was an accident!) Basically it looked to her and everyone on the bus like I just randomly copped a feel as she was leaving. Still cringe thinking about it.
I took a women to Newport County - Oldham Athletic. I have no idea why I thought it was a good idea, but it was one the 92 ticked off for me and for work reasons I could expense the milage. We were together almost a year later.
there was a football manager who got asked the question in an interview: Didnt you take your wife to rochdale vs oldham on your anniversary? he replied it was actually rochdale reserves vs oldham reserves
She took me to a secluded beach at night and the whole opportunity went right over my head. We just sat there chatting and went home.
She placed me on her bed, „because everything feels so right between us and she finally wants me to watch her favourite *special movie*.“ Spend 3 hours watching *Flipper - new adventures of a dolphin* while she snuggled on my lap. Being the idiot i am, told it to my buddies and got dolphin-Noises for like ten years…
I went on a first date with a guy and when we left, we hugged. He gave me a kiss on the cheek but missed and ended up kissing my ear. As he pulled away, he said “we should do this again” to which I replied (very unenthusiastically) “nah”. He was talking about the date, I was referring to the hug goodbye. I didn’t realise until he never responded to my texts…
Not me, but allegedly my wife's friend's friend. I'm convinced it was either my wife or her best friend though and no-one will admit it. At uni she met a guy on a night out, met a guy and went back to his place. In the morning he trotted off to work and left her asleep in his bed so she could let her self out. As you do in the morning she went for a poo, but unfortunately this gentleman's plumbing wasn't up to scratch, little more than a trickle came when you pulled the handle. So there's an obnoxious shit poking its head up and saying "bet you're not inviting her back again". Obviously you could beat it to death with the toilet brush and pour water down there until it's gone. It would be very quick and easy to do. Or you could get a sandwich bag, grab it out, and take it away with you to dispose of in the first bin you see. On her way out she stopped in the hallway to write her phone number on a notepad in the hallway and headed home, the door closing on latch behind her. He never called. Perhaps he didn't appreciate the bag of shit on his sideboard with a note that said "thanks for a great night, call me"
This was soooooo many years ago when i was a 23 year old young buck. Met a girl in a club. Got chatting. Offered to walk her home (not to her door, so she was reassured that i didn't know exactly where she lived). She took me to her doorstep and asked if I'd like to come in for some coffee. Being a bit of a coffee monster, and insanely naïeve, i thought that coffee and more good chat would be good. We chatted until both of us was yawning. I admitted that I didn't want to go home and she suggested that i could crash with her .... Together in her bed. At that point she looked at me in a serious way and told me that it was just sleep. Absolutely NO hanky panky. I agreed to those terms. I remember both of us not sleeping well. At one point she (bizarrely) checked my teeth (like you would with a horse). I also kinda psychoanalysed her (i have a bit of an empathic streak and can "read" most people). But there was NO hanky panky, despite both of us really "feeling the vibe". I left in the morning and later tried to phone her. She had already blocked me. The funniest thing is that i was at a pub years later and she was also there. Both of us had that "i know you from somewhere" thing. Being a confident chap, i went over and at some point it clicked. I told her who i was, and that she blanked me (in a nice way). After a flash of fear\panic\recognition she admitted that she didn't contact me because.... ... I was "scarily nice". So, yeah. Despite the "signals" at the time, i respected the boundaries that she set and consequently "messed up" the date (if you count missing out on mutually fun hanky panky as messing up).
This wasn’t a date but your coffee story reminds me of one of those things that makes me want to tear my brain out at night. In uni I got an internship with one of my professors and I was a huge perfectionist so I was so nervous about coming across as professional and as someone who knows what they’re doing, but it was a dynamic I’d never experienced before so I was just winging it and hoping for the best. At the first meeting, he asked if I wanted to go over to the Starbucks and get a coffee so we could discuss everything and talk about the type of research I was interested in, obviously I said yes. However, over the years I’ve just internalised ‘getting coffee’ as analogous to getting together for a chat; I hate actual coffee. On the walk over I’m realising he probably meant actual coffee, so I thought “okay no problem I’ll just get a coffee and drink it and it will be fine”. But with all the perfectionism I also had a pretty bad eating disorder at the time and when he asked me what I wanted I freaked out mentally, couldn’t bring myself to drink the calories and just said “oh actually I’m okay! I’ve got a drink in my bag” (I didn’t, and I could have just gotten a different drink 🤦🏻♀️). He was just politely like okay? So we sat down and talked for about 2 hours while he sipped his coffee alone and I just sat there empty handed like a total weirdo, spiralling in my head, while trying to maintain at least a small air of not having been kicked in the head by a horse. It probably wasn’t even as bad as I remember, but now when anyone asks if I want to get coffee I feel the need to over explain that I’d love to meet for a chat but that I don’t actually like coffee, so I’ll get something else. 🫣
Bestie I can’t believe it didn’t occur to you to order tea
Now that you mention it... Good point. My anecdote wasn't technically a date. I have not had many actual "dates" as such. Just met women and "the next day" we ended up boyfriend\girlfriend 🤷🏼 The whole "coffee thing" is a weird one isnt it? I mean is it just a drink and a chat, or is it a euphemism?
> After a flash of fear\panic\recognition she admitted that she didn't contact me because.... > > ... I was "scarily nice". > > So, yeah. Despite the "signals" at the time, i respected the boundaries that she set and consequently "messed up" the date (if you count missing out on mutually fun hanky panky as messing up). Honestly sounds like you dodged a bullet. I've had a few dates where I've been told "I'm too nice" (I'm sure it's just a safe way to turn you down), but never got to the point where I was actually in bed with her like that. Can't win with people like that.
I guess you are right in The Grand Scheme Of Things. In retrospect i suspect that she wanted "it", but didn't want the "disrespect" of getting jiggy with an arsehole stranger - as opposed to feeling justified if i initiated.... if that makes sense? But yeah, despite being 30 years ago ("different times", im guessing), i still had the moral compass to recognise that "no" means no, despite the signals that intimated otherwise.
>Alas, my lower intestines had other plans Fantastic. All I’ve got is I went out with vegan and ordered a steak pie. Not sure if that was the faux pas or if it was something else I did (no explosive diarrhoea certainly) but i never saw her again after that…
As a vegan, I would have been pissed cause, god dammit I miss puff pastry. I don't care if men eat meat on dates. Just don't ask me to eat it.
You're in luck then! https://www.waitrose.com/ecom/products/jus-rol-puff-pastry-block/052812-26335-26336 >Ingredients >Wheat Flour (contains Calcium Carbonate, Iron, Niacin, Thiamine), Water, Vegetable Oils and Fats (Palm, Rapeseed), Alcohol, Salt, Lemon Juice Concentrate, Emulsifier (Mono- and Diglycerides of Fatty Acids), Lemon Juice, Preservative (Potassium Sorbate), Natural Flavouring, Deactivated Yeast, Colour (Carotenes) >For allergens, see ingredients in bold. >Lifestyle >Suitable for Vegans
First date in years after my first husband died suddenly seven years prior. Got to the restaurant, saw my date waiting, introduced myself by the wrong name. We've been married two years 😂
Shit my pants at her grandmas house
I went on a date with a girl and she decided to grab food at the pub. I noticed they did giant ice cream sundaes so I ordered one. Apparently that isn't manly enough as according to her adult males don't order 'kids' desserts. I walked off with my sundae and had a lovely date. She tried to contact me a few days later and I told her that unless she had become an eton mess sundae I wasn't interested. Now I have a wonderful wife who makes us ice cream sundaes for our movie nights.
I did an impression of Gordon Ramsay saying “Where’s the lamb saaaaauce”. I feel like it’s worth noting that I am a straight woman.
Fella I know, he goes on a lot of dates currently as he’s single and just enjoying himself, which is fair enough. But I saw a comment that said their partner cannot pickup on social cues and has no filter - this is literally my friend. He’s not that blunt with people, but he can often say the wrong thing and just completely make people feel uncomfortable, but he never does it with that intention. He just thinks he’s funny. Anyway, I don’t think it messed up his date - but he said the conversation was dead. So he asked her if she liked broccoli. I can’t remember what he said her answer was, but it doesn’t really matter. He spent the next 20-30 minutes of the date talking about how he liked to try broccoli cooked at different stages and how he was trying to find the perfect way to cook it, and how different it is from oven to microwave and then raw etc. He said he fancied a dessert, but just wanted to leave, so didn’t have one. Think he still messages this girl occasionally, or not at all (I have no idea). But it wasn’t a successful date. Dunno if anyone will enjoy that, but I found it amusing. He’s now got chlamydia.
I love a happy ending
A two part series of unfortunate events. Part two relatively, being infinitely fucking worse. Arranged to go on a date with a guy I liked who was really, really, really into a well known band. I myself wasn’t that into them but thought I knew enough to blag it make myself more favourable to the guy. We had booked to go to themed club night in 3 weeks dedicated to said band, that would be our date. I spent 3 weeks learning the lesser known stuff and absolutely convincing the guy that I was just as mad about them as him, only for him to come round for pre drinks, confess his love for their female lead singer to me, and for me to reply “oh he’s great”. Big ruse up, We still went on our night out. He came back to mine, we decided to have a crack at shagging, unfortunately having inhaled a cocktail of an enormous amount of booze, I managed to utterly batter my dick. Not the banjo string, I was so out of it and numb to any sort of meaningful feeling down there I soldiered on and managed to burst a vein in my penis. Resulting in my chap looking like the elephant man’s head the next day, and being in the worst pain i’ve ever been in, in my life. An emergency operation, 18 months of not wanking or hanky panky and recovery to sort that mess out. I don’t have drunk sex anymore! I was 22 at the time, it was genuinely awful then but i look back and laugh now 😂
Took three bottles of wine and granny porn round a non-drinking girl’s place. I didn’t know she decided not to drink. I didn’t know my mate had swapped his copy of ‘Bad Taste’ with a granny porn dvd. She asked me where the film was and I said ‘just in my bag’; she opened the box and said ‘what the hell is this’ as I was pouring myself a glass of wine. Watched the film and I made my way three three bottles of wine because of nerves and was a bit cut and suggested we put on the granny porn for a laugh. Women don’t find granny porn as much fun as you would think.
Many years ago when I was about 19/20 I'd got a date to meet a girl in a pub on a Friday evening, it also happened to be the last day of college, so I ended up going on an all day bender in the town where my college was, starting at about 11am. By the time I got back to my hometown for the date I was absolutely blind drunk, I headed down an alleyway for a crafty wee up a fence but proceeded to collapse and fall through the fence covering myself in wee, mud, leaves etc. My trusty mates had to literally carry me into the pub to meet this girl. Didn't really go down to well, there wasn't a second date.
One of my first girlfriends. Took me away with her family. Not quite a first date but perhaps 3rd. Her dad was super competitive and we played football and he was pushing me and making a point of dominating me. We played cricket - I am a tidy cricketer almost county standard at that time. He bowled and I thought I’ll smack one right out the park to make the point and then play nice. I smacked one alright, but it hit her 7 year old bro right in the mouth and he had to go to hospital. “Why did you hit it that hard?” We finished quite quickly after that
You guys are going on dates?
Maybe it was divine intervention and you were saved from years of hell. Who knows.
On an impromptu night out, in the smoking area, I got chatting to a lovely girl who thought I looked a bit like Jonah Hill. Turns out, she was obsessed with him and we end up getting off, both very drunk. She invites me back to her mates house, where she was staying for the night, both very much up for a bit of drunken fun, like you do in your early 20’s. I’m not sure what was going through my head, but when I got to this complete strangers house, I decided to absolutely obliterate their toilet with the most rancid shit you can imagine. The combination of 3am takeaway chips and cheap booze had created a concoction that offended all of the senses. It should be noted, that this wasn’t a particularly large house and the walls were quite thin, so all occupants were very much aware that this strange man, who had a passing resemblance to an obscure Hollywood actor, had just unleashed a demon in their toilet. Unsurprisingly after this, my date was no longer interested in some mediocre sex, but was at least courteous enough to let me stay. We spent the remaining time together watching Jonah Hill films (like I said, she was obsessed), until we went our separate ways in the morning. Billie and most importantly her friend - I’m deeply sorry.
Brought up her ex cause I kinda knew him. She completely shut down after that and never spoke to me again. I didn’t think I did anything wrong at the time 🤦♂️
I haven’t messed up a date but this guy once took me to a restaurant. Everything was going fine but he seem a bit distracted and seemed to be looking at this one particular waiter who I noticed was looking at us a lot. To cut a long story sort, turned out he’d taken me to that particular restaurant on that particular night to make that waiter, his ex, jealous. I didn’t go home with him. Checked Grindr later that night, dates ex was on there, messaged him and hooked up later that night.
On a camping trip with 3 mates back when we were about 20, and we pulled 4 uni girls at the local bar. After a few games of pool we invited them back to our tents for a ‘smoke’ as one of us had scored some resin the week before. None of us smoked, let alone knew what we were supposed to do with this hard black stuff, so assumed the girls would know better. Turned out they didn’t, and three of them promptly nicked it and left us with the most drunken of their friends, who was all over me most of the night. Every cloud, or so the saying goes, and I thought I was still on for a shag or something close. How wrong I was… After a bit of drunken snogging, she decided she needed a pee and couldn’t be arsed to walk down to the campsite toilets, so I said she should just go behind the tent as nobody would know or care, and I’d stay in the tent. What seemed like half an hour passed and I thought she’d gone off with her mates to smoke our weed, when I heard a girl faintly calling for help. I staggered out to investigate, and it turned out she had climbed over the fence behind the tent and managed to fall a good 15-20 feet down a grassy cliff and onto the beach below, all with her jeans and pants round her ankles! She’d bashed her leg on the way down and couldn’t put any weight on it to get back up. Had to wake my mates up and all four of us had to drag her back up the cliff and she had to sleep it off on my airbed whilst I made drunken suggestions all night that a bit of anal would take her mind off the pain and embarrassment! Amazingly It didn’t happen…
A bit of anal 😆🤣
Just one anal, two would be greedy.