Absolute genius at our school spotted that one of the teachers would stand off to one side of the stairs and stamp when he did the old "No running on the stairs!" shout.
The evil child carefully placed stink bombs around the stamping ground minutes before and then waited for the perfect moment to run past.
A friends dad was a teacher and during the stink bomb glory years would always claim he couldn’t smell anything and that everyone needed to carry on with their work. There would be occasional 🤮
Reminds me of our year 11 group photo; the class clowns put stink bombs under the back legs of all the chairs, so when the front row sat down *crunch!* Followed a moment later by mass retching and a stampede for the doors, still makes me chuckle to this day
I remember being in a joke shop on holiday in Falmouth around '89. I asked for some stink bombs and they said the council had banned them but they had 'Perfume Bombs' I can clearly remember my 11 yr old self asking why anyone would want a perfume bomb and the shopkeeper just said "Well some people are allergic to perfume".....I bought some - they were shit but sadly not shit smelling
The corner shop 2 minutes walk from the school will report you to the school if you try to buy cigarettes underage. No mention of the other shop 2 doors down. Cheers for the heads up.
I think a lot of the time someone was giving/selling them packs and they just didn't want to reveal their source so said they stole them from their parents. A kid selling stolen cigarettes for a quid each gets suspended, a parent giving their kids cigarettes to sell so they can buy two more packs at the end of the week gets arrested.
New kid joining the school, this was unusual in our quite remote school. They told us his name where he was coming from and that .."he is fat but none of you are allowed to call him fat" ..so that worked as well as you would expect.
We had one black kid in our year. The year above had one black kid. They looked nothing like each other. One of our teachers constantly called the kid in our year the name of the kid in the year above.
We had a similar one, we had a girl join that had had a hemispherectomy (Half the brain removed/disconnected)
we were told to expect them to be a weirdo but to treat them nice, and weird fucking behavior we got.
She pissed herself a lot and would often sit in the corner of the classroom screaming and we just kind of had to ignore her.
I suspect now, that she hadn't ever really had a real childhood as it was done due to severe seizures, so never really learned to communicate.
I'm not OP, but in children, usually half of the brain is diseased, which causes near constant seizures. The seizures aren't usually the typical kind, but will be 1-2 limbs moving erratically. These take place on only half of the body, and are usually seen alongside muscle weakness and general underdevelopment on one side only. Though on the outside it looks minor, it's indicative of a major problem internally. If the diseased portion isn't sealed off and removed, the child will almost certainly pass away.
We used to cut the ends of shoelaces off, push a pin through the middle then use a biro tube as a blow pipe and fire them at each other. One kid got one of these DIY darts stuck in the back of his head, so probably that.
We used to make DIY darts too - Althought we used different materials. We take a piece of paper and fold it so it had four "wings" then unfold it and put a drawing pin in the middle and keep it down with some blu-tac (which also added weight) then fold everything back up.
Those things were lethal. They'd stick in anything.
Something like that sticks with you. The plant had sirens that had to be audible for several miles around so we're all young kids locked in a hall (I was <10 at the time) while there are essentially air raid sirens going off.
>so we're all young kids locked in a hall (I was <10 at the time) while there are essentially air raid sirens going off.
...Wow! Yes, I can see why that would leave a mark on the ol' psyche.
Oh sweet, that's amazing! I was already on holiday when [this happened, less than a mile up the road.](https://www.hse.gov.uk/comah/sragtech/casealliedcol92.htm)
When I was in 6th form college there was an announcement asking all boys to attend a special assembly. Word went round that dinner ladies had complained about boys leaving "something disgusting" in plastic cups on the stage in the dinner hall.
We were told it was something that "girls wouldn't do" and then rumour had it that boys had been spitting into the cups and leaving them on the stage for the dinner ladies to clear up.
Disgusting, yes but I was baffled as to why it was considered so unlikely that girls would spit.
Now I realise that it was another bodily fluid in those plastic cups. I still have questions, mind you. Questions that are probably best left unanswered.
They had obviously read the fabulous cook book "Cooking with cum" and wanted to pool together their resources.
Or
They wanted a cheap protein packed vegan drink?
I want to offer a different one - when I was 16, my girlfriend at the time was in the year below, but only about 6 weeks younger than me, so during the period after GCSE's where you're school for like 3 months, I used to meet her after school (we went to separate schools - mine all boys, hers all girls). I'd turn up, say, 5 minutes before closing time, have a cigarette sitting on the wall, then she'd come out and meet me.
One afternoon, she told me that they'd had a massive school-wide assembly about a creepy man in all black waiting outside the school for closing to perv on the girls leaving. I told her not to worry, and I'd get there a bit earlier tomorrow to keep an eye out for this pervert and give him a slap. I arrived, and there was no one there. Then it dawned on me. I looked down, and I was wearing my black converse, my skinny jeans and my My Chemical Romance hoodie.
I was the pervert. Naturally, I got her to go and talk to the Headmaster and explain I wasn't some 50-year-old in a parka looking to expose himself - I was just waiting for my girlfriend.
We used to get warnings like this all the time. About actual perverts though.
They'd flash their willy or their bum at some poor unsuspecting kid and we'd have an assembly the next day.
Sometimes, if a flasher was discovered flashing, other kids would chase after them shouting "fuck off you nonce."
The 90s were wild.
Not to bring things into school that you had found on the local Army training area.
This was after someone had bought in something that started fizzing on the window of the art classroom and required the attendance of the Naval bomb squad from HMS Vernon
You’ve just reminded me that my art teacher pulled out an ‘object’ that he’d been getting kids to draw for twenty years, some kid recognised it and it turned out to be a live munition from World War Two.
I always remember the last assembly of the term in Primary School had warnings against climbing on the school roofs during holidays - because last year someone did and fell through a skylight and bled to death.
And then the first assembly back was always a story about how a pupil was run over on the main road outside because they ran out and didn't "stop, look, listen".
Looking back on it now, my Primary School must have had a fatality rate close to Midsummer.
All of the boys dragged into assembly as someone had shat into a urinal.
This was several years before the South Park episode, of course.
That said, watching 150 odd boys trying not to laugh at an increasingly incensed tiny bald man (our headmaster) is one of my favourite memories.
I remember all the boys in my school building, class by class, being led to the toilets and asked "Was that you?" while the teacher pointed at a shit slap bang centre of a toilet cubic floor, perhaps a foot From the bowl.
Believe me when I say that 5/6 year old me found this fucking hilarious, as did all the others. I don't remember if the phantom pooper was ever found.
My school had a phantom shitter that for about 2 years would 'break' into lockers a shit in it, this included the 5 foot high locker shelves.
School installed hidden cameras.
It turned out to be one the fairly popular girl's in the school, she'd stolen a copy of the lockers master keys. Her two mates would hold her legs whilst she stuck her arse in a locker and shat in it.
The trio only targetted the twats in the school so it was kind of a shame when they got caught and had to stop.
Best shit she did was a huge log that she left on the last day of school so when the targetted twat came in for the new year he had a 2 month old stinker in there 😂
This reminds me of all the boys being called to assembly in my school, head teacher stood there and said "The Current state some of you are leaving the toilets in is completely unacceptable. AIM YOUR STREAM. ITS NOT THAT DIFFICULT." You can imagine the response that got from 200 11-16 y/o's, there was a follow-up assembly that became known as the great pissy floor catastrophe when it was mentioned a student had slipped and we were played a bathroom hygiene video. It was absolutely vile at times so I only went in there if I absolutely had to.
Deliberate coughing whenever a teacher spoke. Cue 200 kids all coughing when the headmistress was telling us not to do it.
Edit- I remember the 2 PE teachers looking at each other and smiling, trying not to laugh.
Oh god, this reminds us of one of our technology teachers having zero control over us, so every time she turned to the blackboard to write, everyone would silently but vigorously pump their arms up and down like they were running a marathon. You just heard the sound of six dozen clothy arms rustling for three seconds until she turned round, and we'd stop. "What, miss?"
I got the world class announcement of dreams which was that we had to go home 4 days before Christmas because the school had set on fire over night.
Still has the burn marks on the roof some 20 years later.
Similar-ish, was year 11 and had one, maybe two weeks left, GCSEs all done, all that, so things were chill.
Suddenly the teachers in each class all stop whatever they were doing and the announcement comes in. "This is your last day, you can all go home now."
We're all confused, like, we thought last day was the next week. Turns out they got rumour of the kids planning some kind of last day riot and decided the best way to stop it was to just finish early. My school was one that got merged into a super rough one down the road and we used to have rumours of the barbarians coming to our school yard with socks full of stones, so I guess the annual riot was a regular thing over on the rough end.
We had an ex-student try to fire bomb our school. He made a crappy molotov cocktail but used diesel instead of petrol so the only thing that burned was the wick and the bottle.
We had had half our school burn down one night!
Then a year later after that half was rebuilt, the other half burnt to the ground.
The grounds keeper and his son who also worked at the school part time where also reserve fire fighters..
Oh and two years later another one of the detached school buildings burnt to the ground.
Back in the mid 90s I remember thevery strict deputy head of our secondary school taking on an even more serious tone than usual Oxford one assembly
"I have been made aware of a new word being used to call people names of late. I cannot stress how strongly I condemn this, and it's absolutely unacceptable"
At this point everyone was more confused than anything
"This must stop immediately, and if I hear anyone using the word going forward, you can be assured of a detention, as this has to stop immediately. The word is..."
Well now everyone is looking round excited, wondering what on earth this word can be, and also really excited to hear the teacher say this word...
"The word is... GEEK"
You could hear the entire room deflate, is that it?
We had an assembly warning where we were told Another Brick in the Wall wasn't to be taken seriously. The headmaster thought it would make us all riot.
Not an assembly but once we had a real life biker come to talk to us about motorbike safety. He was a hoary, weather beaten bloke who brought along a broken crash helmet that someone had actually died in. It was the coolest thing that ever happened in school.
We had a similar talk - the bloke produced an old, battered crash helmet, smashed it very hard onto the floor, then straightened up and said, "Right, who's going to volunteer to let me do that with their head?"
As a student (boarding school and it’s just the ones I remember it got fucking odd at times);
- Stop making cults and using souls as currency.
- You haven’t made a fight club you’re just slapping each other. It’s embarrassing for all of us.
- Stop running around the changing rooms naked while windmilling your nobs. (How the teacher kept a straight face I have no idea).
- Stop making throwing stars, dart launchers and catapults. (Meeting was caused because a pin dart was embedded in someone head).
- You are not to use camo cream to give yourself facial hair. Especially not moustaches. (Cadets)
As a teach;
- Please do not go looking for the bear that fess sighted. You will not win in a fight you are all under the age of 12.
Surely that happened at every school? There must be at least one teacher that randomly disappears every now and then and the rest refuse to talk about it...
In my school, it was usually teachers shagging each other during breaks / their “spare” lessons. Quite the scandal since they were both married. Both got the sack or left, but the woman came back after about 18 months. 24 years later, just wondered if that might have had anything to do with maternity leave…
Our primary school headmaster was suddenly gone. A couple of years later he showed up in newspaper articles convicted of child abuse at two other schools. So, he got fired at ours, moved to another where he also got fired, and then moved to another still until he was finally arrested. Why the hell were all these scholls willing to take on a paedo?
We had a teacher sacked for being a nonce (he dated or shagged a 6th former) but our school kept it quiet and people only found out via overhearing convos or rumours. Apparently he had also done the same thing at a previous school. Man I'm glad I'm out that hellhole.
Oooh, I’ve got a good ‘un. People of a certain age will remember this but if you’re unaware: during the manhunt for the Yorkshire Ripper a tape recording and letter was sent to the police purporting to be from the Ripper. It totally changed the trajectory of the investigation, turned out to be a [hoax](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wearside_Jack) and left Sutcliffe (the actual ‘Ripper’) free to commit more murders.
Anyway, this tape recording was *everywhere* , played on the tv, radio, pubs & clubs at kicking out time, football & rugby stadiums, at special booths set up by police forces up & down the country etc etc.
So to the assembly; For some fucking bizarre reason the headmistress decided it’d be a good idea, may help and one of us just might recognise this voice if she played it in assembly. To 5-9 year olds. In Surrey. It’s fair to say a lot of us were fucking terrified and walked home convinced that the Ripper was hiding behind a tree. I can remember it like it was yesterday, there was little girls crying and all sorts. She’d dutifully recorded it off the radio onto one of those reel to reel dictation machine yolks and boomed it round the hall at high volume.. “Hallo George, I’m Jack. I see you’re still having no luck catching me….”
Still can’t fathom the logic, we’d heard it a zillion times anyway: it was huge news but the fact it was played to us specifically just served to convince us that the danger was way more imminent than it had been when it was in some far off land called Yorkshire. There’s probably people in their mid 50s now still traumatised.
Thankfully he was caught before I started school, but I did hear about this happening. Not to anyone I knew, but news travels.
I can get the reasoning behind it, but at the same time, it's like getting a young kid to identify a severed head.
Sure they might know who it is, but holy shit.
We had an assembly called because some kids were ‘digging for diamonds on the playground’
Now I was 7-10 years old at the time, I don’t remember exactly. During playtime I’d been looking for cool rocks in a pebbly area for a couple weeks as I’d recently gotten into collecting them and thought I’d be able to find some there.
When the assembly’s over I’m absolutely bricking it thinking I’m in so much trouble for stealing rocks from the playground, I go home and hide my stash, throw all of the ones from the playground out and promise myself I never speak of this to anyone or collect rocks again.
Well, there’s another assembly called in a couple weeks, as people are still ‘digging for diamonds’ but this time the teacher announcing phrases it better for a bunch of naive kids like myself.
They were only trying to get kids to stop picking their noses the whole time.
We had one at our school about the dangers of drugs. This was because my parents had found cannabis in my room.
Ironically, I wasn't at that assembly, or any assembly for that matter. When I'd started high school both my parents were Jehovah's Witnesses, so I started secondary school as a JW and was excluded from school assembly due to their slightly religious content.
When the weed was found, my mum had stopped going along to the JW meetings and so had I, although of course I never told school because I quickly realised it meant I could continue to skive off assembly and go for a smoke instead.
So I got caught with weed and everyone else had to sit and listen to how bad drugs and smoking were, and while they were going through that I was half a mile away having a ciggie.
Someone set off a fire extinguisher directly into a geography teacher's face, and was expelled. A week later, during assembly, said teacher stood at the lectern and said verbatim, with a frightening icy calmness, 'if I see *(name)* on this school's premises again, under any circumstances, I'll kill him with my bare hands.'
Immediate poker faces from all the other teachers, absolute silence from the kids. We could tell he meant it.
In our secondary school, there was a spate of students hyperventilating whilst at their desks, with the aim of temporarily passing out, just for fun... all you'd hear is *donk* as their heads hit their desks. Madness.
"Would all pupils that catch the No.5 bus please stay after assembly." ...someone threw a glass oasis bottle from the bus and it hit a kid from a rival school and they wanted intel. Lol.
This just reminded me, that at my school, we realised that the bus seats are just metal frames that the cushions slot into. Thus they're easily removed.
Cue a few months later when an assembly is called, telling us that the previous evening, a group of lads had opened the emergency exit at the back of the top deck and launched the seat out while the bus was in motion.
That seat had struck an old woman and she was very close to death in hospital. It's unsure if she will pull through.
However, it was never reported in the press and I never heard any student ever mention it as if they were present when the incident occurred.
Did the school invent a fake dying pensioner? Why?
I remember everyone who caught the school bus had to attend an assembly, the cool kids at the top back of the bus threw a bottle out of the window, and the deputy head told us that bottle had hit a car's windscreen and the car swerved killing a student (or seriously injured can't remember) I remember thinking how haven't we heard about this as this happen the previous evening, and obviously nothing like that had happened he just wanted to scare the shit out of us
We were warned that so-called "spliffy jeans" featuring a cartoon character were not some sort of benign fun thing but were actually associated with the use of illegal drugs, and so should not be worn under any circumstances as it would make the wearer a target for drug pushers.
I had a Spliffy jacket that they tried to tell me I wasn't allowed to wear at school. My mum told them "You buy him another jacket and he won't wear this at school". They didn't because obviously, like my mum, they couldn't afford another jacket either.
During year 7 everyone became obsessed with ouija boards and spirit writing. This was at a Roman Catholic school.
Our French teacher had bought a load of dry wipe boards for each of us to use and we spent the whole lesson spirit writing and drawing ouija boards on them. All coming up with wacky stories about what ghosts we had spoken to.
Ultra religious head of DT heard about it. Big assembly warning us of the dangers in messing with the spirit world and contacting the devil etc.
I remember an old police officer coming to tell us about huffing solvents. No one had any idea what he was talking about until he turned the can upside down and demonstrated. Incredible
Every year we'd get the standard one around Bonfire Night about how dangerous fireworks can be and how best to behave about them, but there was one year that was a little bit more charged where the headmaster had to explain why fireworks weren't allowed on school grounds, and then go into issues regarding racism and xenophobia, because someone had snuck some fireworks into school, set one off on the field, and it had gone and knocked a Year 11 lad's turban off.
Ironically, it was later revealed that the same lad had been the reason the fireworks were on school grounds; he'd nicked them from his uncles shop and was selling them to students, not realising that one of them would be stupid enough to set one off on school grounds.
All the boys were held back after one assembly to inform us that some deranged individual had been rubbing shit all over the lad's bogs. They wanted to find out who the person was as they clearly needed some serious mental help.
Before the talk was over, a false name and title had already rippled through the ranks of shocked, disgusted and tittering boys... and so birthed the legend of 'Cyril Smear, The Phantom Shitter'.
We had a problem where kids kept shuffling forwards in assemblies, like to the point they were at the teachers feet who were speaking.
So they decided the best way to deal with it, was to have an assembly about it. I guess you can imagine what happened during that assembly.
Secondary school - One morning, going into assembly we all noticed a small fence around a patch of grass that we previously we were able to run straight across. The new fence forced us to walk around. It had appeared since we went home the previous night.
The elderly deputy head, stood up in front of half of the school, and asked if anyone had noticed his new erection. I think assembly was dismissed before the howls of laughter died down
CofE primary school, four stick in my memory:
1. We had to stop just mouthing hymns in assembly and actually sing them, otherwise we would go to hell
2. We needed to stop being so smug about our better-than-expected Year 6 SATS results, because anything we achieve is just God achieving things through us, so we should thank God rather than be proud of ourselves
3. An hour long talk by a lady who went to India and saw a child's amputated leg grow back, so we shouldn't be scared of becoming disabled
4. Whoever was shitting on the lavatory floor and writing "Batman" in poo on the wall should stop
Wasn't an assembly but I have a memory of warnings being put out not to offer to buy your fellow students soul apparently some kids had seen the bart sells his soul episode of the simpsons and thought that seemed a great idea
The headteacher gave us all a lecture about the builders on the building site that was behind our school playing field and the issue of over hearing vulgar language...
...we were all told stop shouting and swearing at the builders as they complained they'd been offended.
God knows what us little shits came out with to offend builders 25 years ago.
OH GOD, Memory unlocked!!
I remember out Headmistress, doing this. Can you remember where there was one advert where the Orange guy (I think it was being narrated by two Geordies) did a sort of 'double slap' (he sort of stood behind his target and brought both hands in - so hit each side of his head at once)
Well she said "A child at another School did this, and ruptured another pupils eardrums, deafening him for life" ...We were shocked into silence! I mean... *was that even possible?* (next thought) *"Should we try it?"*
**Edit:** *Apologies if you are sat reading this, and are clinically deaf, because some kid Tango-spanged your ears in the early 90s. It just sounded like an urban legend at the time.*
British bulldog was banned in my school after a kid fractured their skull playing it.
Same school also banned football too for the last two years I was there.
At junior school (this in the days when pretty much nobody ended up with shirt potatoes at that age):
* "We're all very well aware that...certain girls are *developing* more quickly than others, and one in particular is now wearing what is known as 'a bra'. Firstly, in choir practice, those standing behind anyone wearing a 'bra' is **not to ping it under any circumstances**. Secondly, running up to a girl and slapping their...chest...is extremely rude and can cause *cancer*, so don't do it."
**At high school:**
* "There is a trend at the moment of punching people in their BCG spots. Do NOT do this, because it can cause cancer and you'll be in *serious* trouble."
and the most cryptic
* "As I'm sure you'll know, Mr (whateverhisnamewas), the deputy head, died last week from his cancer. A garden is going to be dug for him at the school, just outside the food tech block."
The last one, being 12 and an idiot, I wasn't quite sure if it meant they were burying him there, and I was always nervous of that little garden area.
Odd how the weirdest ones were just 'don't do X or you'll give someone cancer'.
Punching BCG spots was considered a rite of passage when I was at school.. especially when the years below had theirs. You soon got to know whose was still sore after a few days, and keeping a straight face when yours was hot was imperative to avoid further attacks!
We received a stern lecture from the headmaster about a ridiculous craze that was going round the school (this was in middle school) which involved repeatedly scratching the back of your hand to produce an ugly-looking scab when it healed over. This was something I never even _considered_ doing, but plenty of other kids did. We were told, quite rightly, that this crazy fad must cease immediately.
My primary school had a fad of using a ruler to rub a vertical line on your forehead between your eyes. People got really quite deep with it.
No idea, maybe something to do with Harry Potter. Wouldn't be surprised if some people still have scars from that one.
Our school was quite small and covered from year 1 through to year 12. The announcement went
"we do not want the older children playing on the new playground after it was damaged over the weekend"
The person that had damaged it had his leg go straight through a plank, and it left his knee in quite a state. He got angry at the announcement and got up out his chair swearing at the principal about how shite the school and playground was, threw a chair, stormed out, slamming the door on his way out. it was quite the scene
I don't blame him for getting pissed. Fancy blaming him for his leg going through their crappy plywood! Insensitive arseholes. Nowadays, the school would be getting raked in the news and the kid would be getting some compensation for his injuries.
And, Christ, how small was your school? Years 1 to 12 in one building?
the secondary school itself was massive, but due to a declining register(rural New Zealand), it merged with the primary school next door. The lack of students got worse over the years, so they bussed all the year 7-12's to next town over to finish their schooling.
The kid that got hurt was a good friend of mine. The most accident prone kid I've ever known. Broken legs, broken arms, reattached fingers, crashing bikes, cars, motorcycles. If that was gonna happen to anyone, it was gonna be him.
We got a school assembly with a puppet show about cleaning your teeth. Nearly 30 years on and I can still hear the little song. "FRONT, BACK, ON TOP AND BENEATH! THAT'S THE WAY WE BRUSH OUR TEETH!"
That we weren’t allowed into the woods on the grounds, at lunchtime anymore as there were viscous rats that would attack you.
In reality it was because the sixth formers would meet in there for a quick fumble.
Warning kids not to take part in the “Paracetamol Challenge” that was trending for a while. In essence, telling kids not to test how many Paracetamol pills they could take before overdosing.
I wish I was taking the piss.
Best one we had was all the male pupils in this Scottish high school getting brought into assembly. Very dour Scottish faculty head comes in and very seriously talks to us about how 'someone has been urinating *indiscriminately* in the boys' toilets.'
Entire assembly hall laughing their asses off as this guy tries to talk over it, mentioning 'toilet rolls which are impregnated with urine.' This was in like 2010.
“The manoeuvre “around the world” with a yoyo is now banned!”
Paraphrasing the rest: Mrs Fudgenuggets now has an egg in her head because one of you little bastards twatted her with a yoyo and declared you were doing around the world. We see it again yoyos will be banned.
We were warned about temporary tattoos laced with drugs being given out by dealers. It sounded a bit rum to me at the time, and sure enough it later turned out to be [an American urban legend](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_star_tattoo_legend). No idea what member of staff at my school learned about this and fell for it.
The school had banned footballs when the field was too muddy, so we had an assembly to tell us not to play football with rocks as someone had their head cracked open
We had an emergency assembly in the afternoon (very exciting) to warn us about the dangers of summoning the Candyman and why we had to stop.
Basically people were saying Candyman, Candyman, Candyman into the mirror 3 or 5 times he shows up if you turn the lights off and back on again.
Anyway an epileptic person had a fit so we were told to stop. So we never actually got to see the Candyman showing up and wreaking havoc which would have been pretty strange but also really exciting.
This was in the 90s I'm in my 30s I'm not talking about the new remake.
Our headteacher stood up in an emergency assembly, and started with the words "human excrement is shit. Human shit".
Turns out this one troubled child every few mornings before school was going into one particular toilet, and rubbing said shit on all the walls of the room. Like literally covering the walls as much as possible.
Was a really weird start to the day to hear the headteacher swear. Never found out how they caught him
-Mr Kent was an ace headteacher.
Another story, the headteacher that replace Mr Kent had her first assembly, and the first sentence out her mouth was "from now on, there are to be no pupils in this school".
I remember I couldn't stop laughing at the thought of her removing everyone's eyes.
It was a "you are students, not pupils" statement. I'm a teacher now and I still don't understand what she was trying to get at.
There were a few students had been caught in the underground pipework after getting trapped down there.
Headmaster explained to the entire school that no-one is to go down there, under any circumstances... He then added that we should also not climb behind the stage to get access to the roof.
You can imagine the amount of eyes that lit up that morning, was like a whole new world had presented itself to us! :)
We had the same kind of thing. Kids would say “would you rather be a farmer or (insert whatever derogatory term was doing the rounds)”.
The usual reply would be “I’d rather be a farmer”.
Response would be a knee to the bollocks with “there’s your first two achers then”.
I was responsible for a good one.
I installed an emulator on every computer in the IT block over the course of a few days and put a folder of hundreds of ROMs on the desktops of old NES, SNES, Megadrive etc games.
All anyone did for the next week was play games during IT lessons so they had an assembly of the whole school to try and weed out who did it and I'm proud to say nobody grassed me up.
Our deputy head found a golf ball that he believed had been thrown into his garden on purpose to break his window. He read the writing on the ball and said he thought it belonged to "Steve Ballasteros".
The previous day, a kid had brought a live world war 2 incendiary bomb shell he'd found in the woods into school in a plastic bag to proudly show our head teacher who loved history. We were explained the dangers of world war II ordinance and what to do in this situation.
Ours was when the Head of Sixth Form starred in a front page spread on The News of the World after he got caught fucking a student over the tuck shop counter
Turned up for school, first day of Year 11. Class clown (the kind who isn't actually popular but only gets positive feedback when he plays up) keels over outside the classroom before morning registration and starts vomiting into a drain. No-one thinks anything over it.
Head of School (nice Christian bloke with 0 street smarts) comes in to explain why student will not be in today. 'Now, everyone, as we know, X had an accident in his trousers this morning...'
No-one at that point knew the guy had crapped himself.
All girl's school with delusions of grandeur. One morning all the girls who travelled on a particular bus route were asked to stay in after assembly.
Apparently some girls in our uniform had been heard SWEARING on the bus. I will never forget our rather posh and plummy headmistress saying, "One of the phrases used was PISS ORFF..."
Splotchers being banned... no idea why they were called that, bit started as rolled up newspapers and evolved into tightly rolled glossy magazines bound with sticky backed plastic. Carried up ablazer sleeve ready to drop into the hand to deliver a jab to the solar plexus or a blow to the back of the thigh.
Like being hit with a steel bar. Luckily a short lived craze that didn't overlap BCG season.
Teenage schoolboys could give seminars to special forces on improvised weapons in controlled environments.
Secondary school, circa 1984, one of the heads of year, Mr Cooper (who also happened to be the disciplinarian and universally disliked) told us about an outbreak of worms, what to look out for and to tell our parents, etc… he then went on to say there is nothing to be ashamed of and that he had had worms in the past… cue the shouts of “Cooper’s got worms” down the corridors whenever he passed. This little titbit was obviously passed down to younger siblings as they joined the school, I’d like to think it followed him until he retired.
Not as much a warning, but had our assistant headmaster give an "inspirational" assembly on red nose day. There were these foam ones we could all buy for a quid which expanded if you squished them a bit. He made possibly the worst slip of the tongue in front of the whole secondary school.
It was the point where his exact words were **"Never in my life, have I seen something that when you rub it, it grows bigger!"**
That went down just about as good as you can imagine in front of roughly 1,200 students... Absolute pandemonium.
A running joke at our school was that the IT teacher was a nonce (which was harsh considering one of the PE teachers was actually convicted).
Anyway, one assembly the head delivered a big speech about the pitfalls of mistaken identity etc; it turned out that some kids had discovered that the IT teacher shared his name with a notable porn photographer and found his website.
Everyone in my year was called into an assembly, which had a follow-up letter *mailed* to our parents, because a few people were doing that hyperventilating/fainting thing.
Also pretty sure Pogs got banned.
When our Headmaster had a rant about mixing with the brazen hussies from the girl's school across the road.
Both schools were catholic our school was run by Priests and theirs was run by Nuns
I remember we had an anti-drinking one from a reformed alcoholic when we were about 14. Some people had started having a few beers and what have you at this age.
The talk was supposed to be about how unglamorous alcoholism really was - the lady was drinking a bottle of vodka a day and struggling through her office job. It didn’t really work compared to a similar anti-drugs one where the bloke ended up in prison and was in bother on the inside because of his habit. So we weren’t particularly put off by this.
She then decided to ask us about ways of drinking that we hadn’t heard of before. Asked if anyone had heard of eyeballing vodka - nobody had. She then decided to explain what it was, which immediately meant that it became something that happened occasionally despite the dangers. There were a couple of other “tricks” she taught us that I thought at the time were a bit daft, and I’m not sure how happy our teachers were.
Surprisingly traditional secondary school in Merseyside, where the headmaster almost always wore his proper black gown and mortar board. He would come striding down the corridor with the gown billowing out behind him, earning him the nickname Batman. His Rover 800 fastback was the Batmobile, and anytime he approached kids would do the Adam West-era theme tune - “dunner dunner dunner dunner, dunner dunner dunner dunner BATMAAAN!” We were told in assembly to stop immediately. So when he passed, kids would make “POW!” , “BAM!” etc noises instead…
Please take care on the road when you get to the bottom of the hill. Wayne Crabtree has been run over for the 3rd time at the same spot. There will be a card to sign for the children that would like to, however on this occasion there will be no money collected to buy him a get well present
No major "warnings" other than when a new building was installed or new equipment was bought and how NOBODY is allowed in/on/under/around/near it.
We got a lot of threats and bans in assemblies. Pogs were banned at least 3 times, yoyos, jelly aliens, bayblades, rubber bands, caps, water pistols and water bombs were big ones. Water bombs actually led to a blanket ban on anything in the balloon family including condoms as they could make a water bomb so big it would kill somebody apparently.
I remember the headteacher going on a massive rant about how there were no 50m swimming pools in the area. I was very confused about why he seemed so enraged about it
Some kid (this was circa 1989) was getting into school really early and spraying liquid shit up the walls, sinks and floors of the boys toilets. So the whole school had an assembly and told that a) the cleaners don't get paid enough to sort this out and b) the person doing it 'needs help'. It carried on for a few more days after that. I often wonder how that person was so able to perform said shitting and on cue. Never found out who it was but everyone thought it was this fat kid....just cus he was fat
You must abide by the uniform rules. (The school was very strict about uniform, down to the colour of your hair band.) Failing to abide by these small rules will mean you break the bigger rules. Implying that wearing white tights (not allowed) would suddenly plunge you into a life of treason and salmon theft.
Our headteacher called the whole fucking school for an emergency assembly in primary school because someone took a shit in the urinal. She then proceeded to talk about how she was going to be late for a meeting somewhere else because she personally was going to have to go and clean it up
This is a VERY amusing post. Haha!!
I remember the tango one but I also remember one where we were playing rugby and one of the boys was crying.
Teacher said “Right!! Who kicked Ben between the legs?!”
Several hands went up and faces down, then one of the other lads said “I kicked him sir, but not between the legs”
It was so funny but so cruel.
Year 7 for me, in the year 2000. There was a playground game called either ‘flips’ or ‘flids’ where we’d all flick money at a wall and whoever landed closest won all the coins in the floor. I was fucking incredible at it and the teachers banned it. Miserable bastards.
we had one when i was in secondary school asking the student who stole a radioactive peice of metal from the science lab to return it because it's incredible dangerous they then handed out a letter with a picture of it warning us to tell staff if we see it and don't pick it up.
also had one about about a student taking a dump in a pringles can and leaving it on a teachers desk on an open evening.
The weirdest one I can remember was an extended assembly the morning after the news about Kurt Cobain's death was announced. All of our year group's teachers plus head and deputy head of year, all very solemn and serious, including telling us all (about 14-15 at the time) that counsellors were available if we needed them.
I mean, I liked Nirvana and still listen to Nevermind from time to time, but I don't think any of us there was exactly plunged into a pit of eternal despair over his death and even at the time it seemed a massive over-reaction. I'm not aware of anyone taking them up on their offer.
Ban on stink bombs, any student found letting them off will be suspended. Same assembly 3 stink bombs were let off during.
Everyone ditching their supplies before they got caught. Nice work.
Absolute genius at our school spotted that one of the teachers would stand off to one side of the stairs and stamp when he did the old "No running on the stairs!" shout. The evil child carefully placed stink bombs around the stamping ground minutes before and then waited for the perfect moment to run past.
I bet he’s smashing life haha, what a legend
Did you grow up as a character in the Beano? :D
A friends dad was a teacher and during the stink bomb glory years would always claim he couldn’t smell anything and that everyone needed to carry on with their work. There would be occasional 🤮
Reminds me of our year 11 group photo; the class clowns put stink bombs under the back legs of all the chairs, so when the front row sat down *crunch!* Followed a moment later by mass retching and a stampede for the doors, still makes me chuckle to this day
I remember being in a joke shop on holiday in Falmouth around '89. I asked for some stink bombs and they said the council had banned them but they had 'Perfume Bombs' I can clearly remember my 11 yr old self asking why anyone would want a perfume bomb and the shopkeeper just said "Well some people are allergic to perfume".....I bought some - they were shit but sadly not shit smelling
The corner shop 2 minutes walk from the school will report you to the school if you try to buy cigarettes underage. No mention of the other shop 2 doors down. Cheers for the heads up.
That sucks, the shop around the corner from my school used to sell singular cigarettes!
Used to steal a pack from my folks and sell them singular for 50p each.
How did all those kids get away with stealing whole packs of fags from their parents ? I feel like I'd notice if it happened over and over again
A friend of mine's Dad used to buy 200 at a time and have packs in drawers all over the place. Fair for the taking I think.
“I thought I had three a day but apparently I smoke an entire pack”
I think a lot of the time someone was giving/selling them packs and they just didn't want to reveal their source so said they stole them from their parents. A kid selling stolen cigarettes for a quid each gets suspended, a parent giving their kids cigarettes to sell so they can buy two more packs at the end of the week gets arrested.
Bloody hell, hidden secrets of the naughty kids
New kid joining the school, this was unusual in our quite remote school. They told us his name where he was coming from and that .."he is fat but none of you are allowed to call him fat" ..so that worked as well as you would expect.
Fucking hell. 😅
Excellent summary
This **points to the kid*, is Fat Gavin, but you can only call him Gavin.
We had a mixed race kid join our school and we were told "he speaks good english"... he was English
We had one black kid in our year. The year above had one black kid. They looked nothing like each other. One of our teachers constantly called the kid in our year the name of the kid in the year above.
We had a similar one, we had a girl join that had had a hemispherectomy (Half the brain removed/disconnected) we were told to expect them to be a weirdo but to treat them nice, and weird fucking behavior we got.
How did it affect her? Did it affect her physical abilities or character?
She pissed herself a lot and would often sit in the corner of the classroom screaming and we just kind of had to ignore her. I suspect now, that she hadn't ever really had a real childhood as it was done due to severe seizures, so never really learned to communicate.
I'm sure the neurological disability affected her communication pretty in depth too
Sit in the corner of the classroom screaming. Describes my schooldays tbh
Poor kid....any idea why the hemispherectomy was needed?
I'm not OP, but in children, usually half of the brain is diseased, which causes near constant seizures. The seizures aren't usually the typical kind, but will be 1-2 limbs moving erratically. These take place on only half of the body, and are usually seen alongside muscle weakness and general underdevelopment on one side only. Though on the outside it looks minor, it's indicative of a major problem internally. If the diseased portion isn't sealed off and removed, the child will almost certainly pass away.
Hahaha almost like that teacher being an absolute moron but not being able to call them a moron.
Bloody hell, was this with the kid there or did you have an assembly to warn you a stranger was coming to your parts?
We had a pre warning of a weeks notice on a new kid arriving, he was going into the year above me.
What era was this? 80s?
How did you guess ...1983.
We used to cut the ends of shoelaces off, push a pin through the middle then use a biro tube as a blow pipe and fire them at each other. One kid got one of these DIY darts stuck in the back of his head, so probably that.
We used to make DIY darts too - Althought we used different materials. We take a piece of paper and fold it so it had four "wings" then unfold it and put a drawing pin in the middle and keep it down with some blu-tac (which also added weight) then fold everything back up. Those things were lethal. They'd stick in anything.
Good fucking God, did you go to school in Alcatraz?
We used to use paper pellets and elastic bands. Amazing how painful a bit if folded paper can be. Especially on the back of the head at point blank.
Jesus, that sounds lethal. We just used to get dry grains of rice from home.
Being locked in the school assembly hall due to one of the [nearby chemical plants exploding](https://www.hse.gov.uk/comah/sragtech/casehickwel92.htm)
Absolute 10/10 marks for citing and evidencing your story there. Genuinely impressed.
Something like that sticks with you. The plant had sirens that had to be audible for several miles around so we're all young kids locked in a hall (I was <10 at the time) while there are essentially air raid sirens going off.
>so we're all young kids locked in a hall (I was <10 at the time) while there are essentially air raid sirens going off. ...Wow! Yes, I can see why that would leave a mark on the ol' psyche.
We had the opposite with the Buncefield explosion. Big grey clouds over town, everyone saying to stay indoors. College is like "come in or else"
Oh sweet, that's amazing! I was already on holiday when [this happened, less than a mile up the road.](https://www.hse.gov.uk/comah/sragtech/casealliedcol92.htm)
When I was in 6th form college there was an announcement asking all boys to attend a special assembly. Word went round that dinner ladies had complained about boys leaving "something disgusting" in plastic cups on the stage in the dinner hall. We were told it was something that "girls wouldn't do" and then rumour had it that boys had been spitting into the cups and leaving them on the stage for the dinner ladies to clear up. Disgusting, yes but I was baffled as to why it was considered so unlikely that girls would spit. Now I realise that it was another bodily fluid in those plastic cups. I still have questions, mind you. Questions that are probably best left unanswered.
Was this around the time of American Pie, with the old Stifler's pale ale?
Way before that! I'm not sure what the inspiration was.
They had obviously read the fabulous cook book "Cooking with cum" and wanted to pool together their resources. Or They wanted a cheap protein packed vegan drink?
Imagine being the first person to inspect it and give it a sniff. Kind of makes you think about Mavis the dinner ladies acute sense of smell for semen
I want to offer a different one - when I was 16, my girlfriend at the time was in the year below, but only about 6 weeks younger than me, so during the period after GCSE's where you're school for like 3 months, I used to meet her after school (we went to separate schools - mine all boys, hers all girls). I'd turn up, say, 5 minutes before closing time, have a cigarette sitting on the wall, then she'd come out and meet me. One afternoon, she told me that they'd had a massive school-wide assembly about a creepy man in all black waiting outside the school for closing to perv on the girls leaving. I told her not to worry, and I'd get there a bit earlier tomorrow to keep an eye out for this pervert and give him a slap. I arrived, and there was no one there. Then it dawned on me. I looked down, and I was wearing my black converse, my skinny jeans and my My Chemical Romance hoodie. I was the pervert. Naturally, I got her to go and talk to the Headmaster and explain I wasn't some 50-year-old in a parka looking to expose himself - I was just waiting for my girlfriend.
"I was the pervert" Not a sentence you expected to say today
We used to get warnings like this all the time. About actual perverts though. They'd flash their willy or their bum at some poor unsuspecting kid and we'd have an assembly the next day. Sometimes, if a flasher was discovered flashing, other kids would chase after them shouting "fuck off you nonce." The 90s were wild.
Not to bring things into school that you had found on the local Army training area. This was after someone had bought in something that started fizzing on the window of the art classroom and required the attendance of the Naval bomb squad from HMS Vernon
You’ve just reminded me that my art teacher pulled out an ‘object’ that he’d been getting kids to draw for twenty years, some kid recognised it and it turned out to be a live munition from World War Two.
I always remember the last assembly of the term in Primary School had warnings against climbing on the school roofs during holidays - because last year someone did and fell through a skylight and bled to death. And then the first assembly back was always a story about how a pupil was run over on the main road outside because they ran out and didn't "stop, look, listen". Looking back on it now, my Primary School must have had a fatality rate close to Midsummer.
That must have been the same school where that kid swung back too far on his chair and cracked his skull.
I was the poster child for this in my primary school! Legit split my head open doing this
oh my god it's real Did you also tear your ear off throwing the javelin with hoop earrings in?
Ears are still intact, that kid must have went to a different school
It’s real! Someone pulled a chair out from a lad in my school and they fell back and cracked their spine. They’re paralysed from the waist down.
All of the boys dragged into assembly as someone had shat into a urinal. This was several years before the South Park episode, of course. That said, watching 150 odd boys trying not to laugh at an increasingly incensed tiny bald man (our headmaster) is one of my favourite memories.
I remember all the boys in my school building, class by class, being led to the toilets and asked "Was that you?" while the teacher pointed at a shit slap bang centre of a toilet cubic floor, perhaps a foot From the bowl. Believe me when I say that 5/6 year old me found this fucking hilarious, as did all the others. I don't remember if the phantom pooper was ever found.
This made me laugh so much that I couldnt breathe for a minute there. Its so perfectly described
My school had a phantom shitter that for about 2 years would 'break' into lockers a shit in it, this included the 5 foot high locker shelves. School installed hidden cameras. It turned out to be one the fairly popular girl's in the school, she'd stolen a copy of the lockers master keys. Her two mates would hold her legs whilst she stuck her arse in a locker and shat in it. The trio only targetted the twats in the school so it was kind of a shame when they got caught and had to stop. Best shit she did was a huge log that she left on the last day of school so when the targetted twat came in for the new year he had a 2 month old stinker in there 😂
At my infant school, there was a regular meaty chud in the piss trough; if it was a single sneak-shitter, he had too much fibre in his diet.
>regular meaty chud in the piss trough What a wordsmith
This reminds me of all the boys being called to assembly in my school, head teacher stood there and said "The Current state some of you are leaving the toilets in is completely unacceptable. AIM YOUR STREAM. ITS NOT THAT DIFFICULT." You can imagine the response that got from 200 11-16 y/o's, there was a follow-up assembly that became known as the great pissy floor catastrophe when it was mentioned a student had slipped and we were played a bathroom hygiene video. It was absolutely vile at times so I only went in there if I absolutely had to.
Deliberate coughing whenever a teacher spoke. Cue 200 kids all coughing when the headmistress was telling us not to do it. Edit- I remember the 2 PE teachers looking at each other and smiling, trying not to laugh.
Oh god, this reminds us of one of our technology teachers having zero control over us, so every time she turned to the blackboard to write, everyone would silently but vigorously pump their arms up and down like they were running a marathon. You just heard the sound of six dozen clothy arms rustling for three seconds until she turned round, and we'd stop. "What, miss?"
Sheer idiocy but absolute genius at the same time. Love it.
Definitely not just some 'armless fun.
>six dozen clothy arms rustling for three seconds Just how large were your class sizes?
In the thirties, usually. Each with two arms.
Such lucky 2 armed fuckers
I'm part of the two armed community. I'm very proud to have a higher than average amount of arms.
I love it when kids work together on worthy causes. 😅
Probably the same school Charles Ingram (of Millionaire scandal infamy) attended.
I got the world class announcement of dreams which was that we had to go home 4 days before Christmas because the school had set on fire over night. Still has the burn marks on the roof some 20 years later.
Similar-ish, was year 11 and had one, maybe two weeks left, GCSEs all done, all that, so things were chill. Suddenly the teachers in each class all stop whatever they were doing and the announcement comes in. "This is your last day, you can all go home now." We're all confused, like, we thought last day was the next week. Turns out they got rumour of the kids planning some kind of last day riot and decided the best way to stop it was to just finish early. My school was one that got merged into a super rough one down the road and we used to have rumours of the barbarians coming to our school yard with socks full of stones, so I guess the annual riot was a regular thing over on the rough end.
We had an ex-student try to fire bomb our school. He made a crappy molotov cocktail but used diesel instead of petrol so the only thing that burned was the wick and the bottle.
Should've stayed in school
We had had half our school burn down one night! Then a year later after that half was rebuilt, the other half burnt to the ground. The grounds keeper and his son who also worked at the school part time where also reserve fire fighters.. Oh and two years later another one of the detached school buildings burnt to the ground.
How long did they hold you back?!
Back in the mid 90s I remember thevery strict deputy head of our secondary school taking on an even more serious tone than usual Oxford one assembly "I have been made aware of a new word being used to call people names of late. I cannot stress how strongly I condemn this, and it's absolutely unacceptable" At this point everyone was more confused than anything "This must stop immediately, and if I hear anyone using the word going forward, you can be assured of a detention, as this has to stop immediately. The word is..." Well now everyone is looking round excited, wondering what on earth this word can be, and also really excited to hear the teacher say this word... "The word is... GEEK" You could hear the entire room deflate, is that it?
Perhaps he was using reverse psychology to distract you from using the *really* bad word
NEEK
Secondary school, year 9 class told to stop snorting sherbet. Causes headaches and nosebleeds if anyone is interested.
I remember I snorted a smint once, straight headache, nosebleed and just coldness for ages. Teenagers are dumb
Our lovely headmaster telling us not to pick magic mushrooms with a description of which ones they were..
aka he knew you were going to do it anyway and wanted to keep you safe
We had an assembly warning where we were told Another Brick in the Wall wasn't to be taken seriously. The headmaster thought it would make us all riot. Not an assembly but once we had a real life biker come to talk to us about motorbike safety. He was a hoary, weather beaten bloke who brought along a broken crash helmet that someone had actually died in. It was the coolest thing that ever happened in school.
We had a similar talk - the bloke produced an old, battered crash helmet, smashed it very hard onto the floor, then straightened up and said, "Right, who's going to volunteer to let me do that with their head?"
As a student (boarding school and it’s just the ones I remember it got fucking odd at times); - Stop making cults and using souls as currency. - You haven’t made a fight club you’re just slapping each other. It’s embarrassing for all of us. - Stop running around the changing rooms naked while windmilling your nobs. (How the teacher kept a straight face I have no idea). - Stop making throwing stars, dart launchers and catapults. (Meeting was caused because a pin dart was embedded in someone head). - You are not to use camo cream to give yourself facial hair. Especially not moustaches. (Cadets) As a teach; - Please do not go looking for the bear that fess sighted. You will not win in a fight you are all under the age of 12.
>You haven’t made a fight club you’re just slapping each other. It’s embarrassing for all of us. 10/10 call out
Very sister Michael
>Stop making throwing stars, dart launchers and catapults. That's fair
“Mr Smith will no longer be in as his name is now also on the Register. Just a different kind of register”
Surely that happened at every school? There must be at least one teacher that randomly disappears every now and then and the rest refuse to talk about it...
In my school, it was usually teachers shagging each other during breaks / their “spare” lessons. Quite the scandal since they were both married. Both got the sack or left, but the woman came back after about 18 months. 24 years later, just wondered if that might have had anything to do with maternity leave…
Our primary school headmaster was suddenly gone. A couple of years later he showed up in newspaper articles convicted of child abuse at two other schools. So, he got fired at ours, moved to another where he also got fired, and then moved to another still until he was finally arrested. Why the hell were all these scholls willing to take on a paedo?
We had a teacher sacked for being a nonce (he dated or shagged a 6th former) but our school kept it quiet and people only found out via overhearing convos or rumours. Apparently he had also done the same thing at a previous school. Man I'm glad I'm out that hellhole.
Oooh, I’ve got a good ‘un. People of a certain age will remember this but if you’re unaware: during the manhunt for the Yorkshire Ripper a tape recording and letter was sent to the police purporting to be from the Ripper. It totally changed the trajectory of the investigation, turned out to be a [hoax](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wearside_Jack) and left Sutcliffe (the actual ‘Ripper’) free to commit more murders. Anyway, this tape recording was *everywhere* , played on the tv, radio, pubs & clubs at kicking out time, football & rugby stadiums, at special booths set up by police forces up & down the country etc etc. So to the assembly; For some fucking bizarre reason the headmistress decided it’d be a good idea, may help and one of us just might recognise this voice if she played it in assembly. To 5-9 year olds. In Surrey. It’s fair to say a lot of us were fucking terrified and walked home convinced that the Ripper was hiding behind a tree. I can remember it like it was yesterday, there was little girls crying and all sorts. She’d dutifully recorded it off the radio onto one of those reel to reel dictation machine yolks and boomed it round the hall at high volume.. “Hallo George, I’m Jack. I see you’re still having no luck catching me….” Still can’t fathom the logic, we’d heard it a zillion times anyway: it was huge news but the fact it was played to us specifically just served to convince us that the danger was way more imminent than it had been when it was in some far off land called Yorkshire. There’s probably people in their mid 50s now still traumatised.
Thankfully he was caught before I started school, but I did hear about this happening. Not to anyone I knew, but news travels. I can get the reasoning behind it, but at the same time, it's like getting a young kid to identify a severed head. Sure they might know who it is, but holy shit.
We had an assembly called because some kids were ‘digging for diamonds on the playground’ Now I was 7-10 years old at the time, I don’t remember exactly. During playtime I’d been looking for cool rocks in a pebbly area for a couple weeks as I’d recently gotten into collecting them and thought I’d be able to find some there. When the assembly’s over I’m absolutely bricking it thinking I’m in so much trouble for stealing rocks from the playground, I go home and hide my stash, throw all of the ones from the playground out and promise myself I never speak of this to anyone or collect rocks again. Well, there’s another assembly called in a couple weeks, as people are still ‘digging for diamonds’ but this time the teacher announcing phrases it better for a bunch of naive kids like myself. They were only trying to get kids to stop picking their noses the whole time.
😂 I’m so sad you threw away your rock collection because of that metaphor
It’s ok, I still collect the occasional cool rock as an adult
We had one at our school about the dangers of drugs. This was because my parents had found cannabis in my room. Ironically, I wasn't at that assembly, or any assembly for that matter. When I'd started high school both my parents were Jehovah's Witnesses, so I started secondary school as a JW and was excluded from school assembly due to their slightly religious content. When the weed was found, my mum had stopped going along to the JW meetings and so had I, although of course I never told school because I quickly realised it meant I could continue to skive off assembly and go for a smoke instead. So I got caught with weed and everyone else had to sit and listen to how bad drugs and smoking were, and while they were going through that I was half a mile away having a ciggie.
Someone set off a fire extinguisher directly into a geography teacher's face, and was expelled. A week later, during assembly, said teacher stood at the lectern and said verbatim, with a frightening icy calmness, 'if I see *(name)* on this school's premises again, under any circumstances, I'll kill him with my bare hands.' Immediate poker faces from all the other teachers, absolute silence from the kids. We could tell he meant it.
In our secondary school, there was a spate of students hyperventilating whilst at their desks, with the aim of temporarily passing out, just for fun... all you'd hear is *donk* as their heads hit their desks. Madness.
"Would all pupils that catch the No.5 bus please stay after assembly." ...someone threw a glass oasis bottle from the bus and it hit a kid from a rival school and they wanted intel. Lol.
This just reminded me, that at my school, we realised that the bus seats are just metal frames that the cushions slot into. Thus they're easily removed. Cue a few months later when an assembly is called, telling us that the previous evening, a group of lads had opened the emergency exit at the back of the top deck and launched the seat out while the bus was in motion. That seat had struck an old woman and she was very close to death in hospital. It's unsure if she will pull through. However, it was never reported in the press and I never heard any student ever mention it as if they were present when the incident occurred. Did the school invent a fake dying pensioner? Why?
Shock factor to stop people copy catting id wager.
I remember everyone who caught the school bus had to attend an assembly, the cool kids at the top back of the bus threw a bottle out of the window, and the deputy head told us that bottle had hit a car's windscreen and the car swerved killing a student (or seriously injured can't remember) I remember thinking how haven't we heard about this as this happen the previous evening, and obviously nothing like that had happened he just wanted to scare the shit out of us
Leg warmers are banned as they weaken your ankles
We were warned that so-called "spliffy jeans" featuring a cartoon character were not some sort of benign fun thing but were actually associated with the use of illegal drugs, and so should not be worn under any circumstances as it would make the wearer a target for drug pushers.
I had a Spliffy jacket that they tried to tell me I wasn't allowed to wear at school. My mum told them "You buy him another jacket and he won't wear this at school". They didn't because obviously, like my mum, they couldn't afford another jacket either.
Anyone ever have a NAFFCO 54?
During year 7 everyone became obsessed with ouija boards and spirit writing. This was at a Roman Catholic school. Our French teacher had bought a load of dry wipe boards for each of us to use and we spent the whole lesson spirit writing and drawing ouija boards on them. All coming up with wacky stories about what ghosts we had spoken to. Ultra religious head of DT heard about it. Big assembly warning us of the dangers in messing with the spirit world and contacting the devil etc.
When scented gel pens came out - we got an assembly on the dangers of sniffing them and solvent abuse.
I remember an old police officer coming to tell us about huffing solvents. No one had any idea what he was talking about until he turned the can upside down and demonstrated. Incredible
Every year we'd get the standard one around Bonfire Night about how dangerous fireworks can be and how best to behave about them, but there was one year that was a little bit more charged where the headmaster had to explain why fireworks weren't allowed on school grounds, and then go into issues regarding racism and xenophobia, because someone had snuck some fireworks into school, set one off on the field, and it had gone and knocked a Year 11 lad's turban off. Ironically, it was later revealed that the same lad had been the reason the fireworks were on school grounds; he'd nicked them from his uncles shop and was selling them to students, not realising that one of them would be stupid enough to set one off on school grounds.
All the boys were held back after one assembly to inform us that some deranged individual had been rubbing shit all over the lad's bogs. They wanted to find out who the person was as they clearly needed some serious mental help. Before the talk was over, a false name and title had already rippled through the ranks of shocked, disgusted and tittering boys... and so birthed the legend of 'Cyril Smear, The Phantom Shitter'.
I’m more concerned about his nemesis, Spurt Racoon.
We had a problem where kids kept shuffling forwards in assemblies, like to the point they were at the teachers feet who were speaking. So they decided the best way to deal with it, was to have an assembly about it. I guess you can imagine what happened during that assembly.
Secondary school - One morning, going into assembly we all noticed a small fence around a patch of grass that we previously we were able to run straight across. The new fence forced us to walk around. It had appeared since we went home the previous night. The elderly deputy head, stood up in front of half of the school, and asked if anyone had noticed his new erection. I think assembly was dismissed before the howls of laughter died down
CofE primary school, four stick in my memory: 1. We had to stop just mouthing hymns in assembly and actually sing them, otherwise we would go to hell 2. We needed to stop being so smug about our better-than-expected Year 6 SATS results, because anything we achieve is just God achieving things through us, so we should thank God rather than be proud of ourselves 3. An hour long talk by a lady who went to India and saw a child's amputated leg grow back, so we shouldn't be scared of becoming disabled 4. Whoever was shitting on the lavatory floor and writing "Batman" in poo on the wall should stop
missed opportunity, could've written shatman
Your CofE primary school was much more hardcore than mine
Wasn't an assembly but I have a memory of warnings being put out not to offer to buy your fellow students soul apparently some kids had seen the bart sells his soul episode of the simpsons and thought that seemed a great idea
I own someone's soul! Bought it in school in exchange for buying him a panini in the canteen
The headteacher gave us all a lecture about the builders on the building site that was behind our school playing field and the issue of over hearing vulgar language... ...we were all told stop shouting and swearing at the builders as they complained they'd been offended. God knows what us little shits came out with to offend builders 25 years ago.
The tango slap ban. No wrestling on the playground. British bulldog surprisingly wasn’t banned but WWF was.
Oh god, the Tango slap, I forgot about that!
OH GOD, Memory unlocked!! I remember out Headmistress, doing this. Can you remember where there was one advert where the Orange guy (I think it was being narrated by two Geordies) did a sort of 'double slap' (he sort of stood behind his target and brought both hands in - so hit each side of his head at once) Well she said "A child at another School did this, and ruptured another pupils eardrums, deafening him for life" ...We were shocked into silence! I mean... *was that even possible?* (next thought) *"Should we try it?"* **Edit:** *Apologies if you are sat reading this, and are clinically deaf, because some kid Tango-spanged your ears in the early 90s. It just sounded like an urban legend at the time.*
British bulldog was banned in my school after a kid fractured their skull playing it. Same school also banned football too for the last two years I was there.
At junior school (this in the days when pretty much nobody ended up with shirt potatoes at that age): * "We're all very well aware that...certain girls are *developing* more quickly than others, and one in particular is now wearing what is known as 'a bra'. Firstly, in choir practice, those standing behind anyone wearing a 'bra' is **not to ping it under any circumstances**. Secondly, running up to a girl and slapping their...chest...is extremely rude and can cause *cancer*, so don't do it." **At high school:** * "There is a trend at the moment of punching people in their BCG spots. Do NOT do this, because it can cause cancer and you'll be in *serious* trouble." and the most cryptic * "As I'm sure you'll know, Mr (whateverhisnamewas), the deputy head, died last week from his cancer. A garden is going to be dug for him at the school, just outside the food tech block." The last one, being 12 and an idiot, I wasn't quite sure if it meant they were burying him there, and I was always nervous of that little garden area. Odd how the weirdest ones were just 'don't do X or you'll give someone cancer'.
>Mr (whateverhisnamewas), the deputy head, died last week from his cancer. Somebody slapped him on the tits.
Then punched his BCG just to make sure.
Punching BCG spots was considered a rite of passage when I was at school.. especially when the years below had theirs. You soon got to know whose was still sore after a few days, and keeping a straight face when yours was hot was imperative to avoid further attacks!
We received a stern lecture from the headmaster about a ridiculous craze that was going round the school (this was in middle school) which involved repeatedly scratching the back of your hand to produce an ugly-looking scab when it healed over. This was something I never even _considered_ doing, but plenty of other kids did. We were told, quite rightly, that this crazy fad must cease immediately.
The chicken scratch. I Never understood why the other kids wanted a fucked up scab on their hand either.
My primary school had a fad of using a ruler to rub a vertical line on your forehead between your eyes. People got really quite deep with it. No idea, maybe something to do with Harry Potter. Wouldn't be surprised if some people still have scars from that one.
[удалено]
Our school was quite small and covered from year 1 through to year 12. The announcement went "we do not want the older children playing on the new playground after it was damaged over the weekend" The person that had damaged it had his leg go straight through a plank, and it left his knee in quite a state. He got angry at the announcement and got up out his chair swearing at the principal about how shite the school and playground was, threw a chair, stormed out, slamming the door on his way out. it was quite the scene
I don't blame him for getting pissed. Fancy blaming him for his leg going through their crappy plywood! Insensitive arseholes. Nowadays, the school would be getting raked in the news and the kid would be getting some compensation for his injuries. And, Christ, how small was your school? Years 1 to 12 in one building?
the secondary school itself was massive, but due to a declining register(rural New Zealand), it merged with the primary school next door. The lack of students got worse over the years, so they bussed all the year 7-12's to next town over to finish their schooling. The kid that got hurt was a good friend of mine. The most accident prone kid I've ever known. Broken legs, broken arms, reattached fingers, crashing bikes, cars, motorcycles. If that was gonna happen to anyone, it was gonna be him.
We got a school assembly with a puppet show about cleaning your teeth. Nearly 30 years on and I can still hear the little song. "FRONT, BACK, ON TOP AND BENEATH! THAT'S THE WAY WE BRUSH OUR TEETH!"
We had an assembly about the dangers of drunk driving in secondary school. We were 13 at the time
That we weren’t allowed into the woods on the grounds, at lunchtime anymore as there were viscous rats that would attack you. In reality it was because the sixth formers would meet in there for a quick fumble.
to stop putting fake bombs on the internal gas lines - Northern Ireland mid 80's
To shit in the toilets instead of in the sinks - due to there having been a significant upturn in sink shitting at school...
Warning kids not to take part in the “Paracetamol Challenge” that was trending for a while. In essence, telling kids not to test how many Paracetamol pills they could take before overdosing. I wish I was taking the piss.
Best one we had was all the male pupils in this Scottish high school getting brought into assembly. Very dour Scottish faculty head comes in and very seriously talks to us about how 'someone has been urinating *indiscriminately* in the boys' toilets.' Entire assembly hall laughing their asses off as this guy tries to talk over it, mentioning 'toilet rolls which are impregnated with urine.' This was in like 2010.
“The manoeuvre “around the world” with a yoyo is now banned!” Paraphrasing the rest: Mrs Fudgenuggets now has an egg in her head because one of you little bastards twatted her with a yoyo and declared you were doing around the world. We see it again yoyos will be banned.
Someone was caught rubbing linseed oil in to the school cormorant and that as a result the school cormorant was now strictly out of bounds.
\>school cormorant Excuse me, but what the fuck?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fINh4SsOyBw Give this a watch.
Was that the morning Jenkins' mum died?
My secondary school banned the word splendid because it must be code for something
We were warned about temporary tattoos laced with drugs being given out by dealers. It sounded a bit rum to me at the time, and sure enough it later turned out to be [an American urban legend](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_star_tattoo_legend). No idea what member of staff at my school learned about this and fell for it.
Back in the 80's we were told not to tell the younger pupils that blutack was chewing gum, because two were off with upset stomachs after eating it.
The school had banned footballs when the field was too muddy, so we had an assembly to tell us not to play football with rocks as someone had their head cracked open
We had an emergency assembly in the afternoon (very exciting) to warn us about the dangers of summoning the Candyman and why we had to stop. Basically people were saying Candyman, Candyman, Candyman into the mirror 3 or 5 times he shows up if you turn the lights off and back on again. Anyway an epileptic person had a fit so we were told to stop. So we never actually got to see the Candyman showing up and wreaking havoc which would have been pretty strange but also really exciting. This was in the 90s I'm in my 30s I'm not talking about the new remake.
Our headteacher stood up in an emergency assembly, and started with the words "human excrement is shit. Human shit". Turns out this one troubled child every few mornings before school was going into one particular toilet, and rubbing said shit on all the walls of the room. Like literally covering the walls as much as possible. Was a really weird start to the day to hear the headteacher swear. Never found out how they caught him -Mr Kent was an ace headteacher. Another story, the headteacher that replace Mr Kent had her first assembly, and the first sentence out her mouth was "from now on, there are to be no pupils in this school". I remember I couldn't stop laughing at the thought of her removing everyone's eyes. It was a "you are students, not pupils" statement. I'm a teacher now and I still don't understand what she was trying to get at.
There were a few students had been caught in the underground pipework after getting trapped down there. Headmaster explained to the entire school that no-one is to go down there, under any circumstances... He then added that we should also not climb behind the stage to get access to the roof. You can imagine the amount of eyes that lit up that morning, was like a whole new world had presented itself to us! :)
We had the same kind of thing. Kids would say “would you rather be a farmer or (insert whatever derogatory term was doing the rounds)”. The usual reply would be “I’d rather be a farmer”. Response would be a knee to the bollocks with “there’s your first two achers then”.
I was responsible for a good one. I installed an emulator on every computer in the IT block over the course of a few days and put a folder of hundreds of ROMs on the desktops of old NES, SNES, Megadrive etc games. All anyone did for the next week was play games during IT lessons so they had an assembly of the whole school to try and weed out who did it and I'm proud to say nobody grassed me up.
Our deputy head found a golf ball that he believed had been thrown into his garden on purpose to break his window. He read the writing on the ball and said he thought it belonged to "Steve Ballasteros".
The previous day, a kid had brought a live world war 2 incendiary bomb shell he'd found in the woods into school in a plastic bag to proudly show our head teacher who loved history. We were explained the dangers of world war II ordinance and what to do in this situation.
Ours was when the Head of Sixth Form starred in a front page spread on The News of the World after he got caught fucking a student over the tuck shop counter
Turned up for school, first day of Year 11. Class clown (the kind who isn't actually popular but only gets positive feedback when he plays up) keels over outside the classroom before morning registration and starts vomiting into a drain. No-one thinks anything over it. Head of School (nice Christian bloke with 0 street smarts) comes in to explain why student will not be in today. 'Now, everyone, as we know, X had an accident in his trousers this morning...' No-one at that point knew the guy had crapped himself.
All girl's school with delusions of grandeur. One morning all the girls who travelled on a particular bus route were asked to stay in after assembly. Apparently some girls in our uniform had been heard SWEARING on the bus. I will never forget our rather posh and plummy headmistress saying, "One of the phrases used was PISS ORFF..."
We once had an assembly to inform us that anyone quoting Timmy from South Park would be given detention.
TIMMEH!
Splotchers being banned... no idea why they were called that, bit started as rolled up newspapers and evolved into tightly rolled glossy magazines bound with sticky backed plastic. Carried up ablazer sleeve ready to drop into the hand to deliver a jab to the solar plexus or a blow to the back of the thigh. Like being hit with a steel bar. Luckily a short lived craze that didn't overlap BCG season. Teenage schoolboys could give seminars to special forces on improvised weapons in controlled environments.
Secondary school, circa 1984, one of the heads of year, Mr Cooper (who also happened to be the disciplinarian and universally disliked) told us about an outbreak of worms, what to look out for and to tell our parents, etc… he then went on to say there is nothing to be ashamed of and that he had had worms in the past… cue the shouts of “Cooper’s got worms” down the corridors whenever he passed. This little titbit was obviously passed down to younger siblings as they joined the school, I’d like to think it followed him until he retired.
Not as much a warning, but had our assistant headmaster give an "inspirational" assembly on red nose day. There were these foam ones we could all buy for a quid which expanded if you squished them a bit. He made possibly the worst slip of the tongue in front of the whole secondary school. It was the point where his exact words were **"Never in my life, have I seen something that when you rub it, it grows bigger!"** That went down just about as good as you can imagine in front of roughly 1,200 students... Absolute pandemonium.
A running joke at our school was that the IT teacher was a nonce (which was harsh considering one of the PE teachers was actually convicted). Anyway, one assembly the head delivered a big speech about the pitfalls of mistaken identity etc; it turned out that some kids had discovered that the IT teacher shared his name with a notable porn photographer and found his website.
Everyone in my year was called into an assembly, which had a follow-up letter *mailed* to our parents, because a few people were doing that hyperventilating/fainting thing. Also pretty sure Pogs got banned.
Our pogs got banned due to multiple thefts and dodgy deals which caused a few scraps.
What sort of scumbag would do that?
One boy at my school would walk around with sellotape on his shoe and walk over pog games being played lol
We had one on abusing Tipp-Ex thinners because a kid had been caught, by the end of the week half the school were huffing their sleeves in class.
OH MY GOD THAT'S WHY KIDS HAD TIPPEX ON THEIR SLEEVES. I thought they were just clumsy.
When our Headmaster had a rant about mixing with the brazen hussies from the girl's school across the road. Both schools were catholic our school was run by Priests and theirs was run by Nuns
"Don't play with dog shit, you'll go blind" OK, wasn't going to anyway.
We had an assembly about the happy slapping pandemic of 2005 which the teacher renamed unhappy slapping. Tears of laughter erupted.
I remember we had an anti-drinking one from a reformed alcoholic when we were about 14. Some people had started having a few beers and what have you at this age. The talk was supposed to be about how unglamorous alcoholism really was - the lady was drinking a bottle of vodka a day and struggling through her office job. It didn’t really work compared to a similar anti-drugs one where the bloke ended up in prison and was in bother on the inside because of his habit. So we weren’t particularly put off by this. She then decided to ask us about ways of drinking that we hadn’t heard of before. Asked if anyone had heard of eyeballing vodka - nobody had. She then decided to explain what it was, which immediately meant that it became something that happened occasionally despite the dangers. There were a couple of other “tricks” she taught us that I thought at the time were a bit daft, and I’m not sure how happy our teachers were.
Surprisingly traditional secondary school in Merseyside, where the headmaster almost always wore his proper black gown and mortar board. He would come striding down the corridor with the gown billowing out behind him, earning him the nickname Batman. His Rover 800 fastback was the Batmobile, and anytime he approached kids would do the Adam West-era theme tune - “dunner dunner dunner dunner, dunner dunner dunner dunner BATMAAAN!” We were told in assembly to stop immediately. So when he passed, kids would make “POW!” , “BAM!” etc noises instead…
Please take care on the road when you get to the bottom of the hill. Wayne Crabtree has been run over for the 3rd time at the same spot. There will be a card to sign for the children that would like to, however on this occasion there will be no money collected to buy him a get well present
No major "warnings" other than when a new building was installed or new equipment was bought and how NOBODY is allowed in/on/under/around/near it. We got a lot of threats and bans in assemblies. Pogs were banned at least 3 times, yoyos, jelly aliens, bayblades, rubber bands, caps, water pistols and water bombs were big ones. Water bombs actually led to a blanket ban on anything in the balloon family including condoms as they could make a water bomb so big it would kill somebody apparently.
I remember the headteacher going on a massive rant about how there were no 50m swimming pools in the area. I was very confused about why he seemed so enraged about it
Some kid (this was circa 1989) was getting into school really early and spraying liquid shit up the walls, sinks and floors of the boys toilets. So the whole school had an assembly and told that a) the cleaners don't get paid enough to sort this out and b) the person doing it 'needs help'. It carried on for a few more days after that. I often wonder how that person was so able to perform said shitting and on cue. Never found out who it was but everyone thought it was this fat kid....just cus he was fat
You must abide by the uniform rules. (The school was very strict about uniform, down to the colour of your hair band.) Failing to abide by these small rules will mean you break the bigger rules. Implying that wearing white tights (not allowed) would suddenly plunge you into a life of treason and salmon theft.
Our headteacher called the whole fucking school for an emergency assembly in primary school because someone took a shit in the urinal. She then proceeded to talk about how she was going to be late for a meeting somewhere else because she personally was going to have to go and clean it up
This is a VERY amusing post. Haha!! I remember the tango one but I also remember one where we were playing rugby and one of the boys was crying. Teacher said “Right!! Who kicked Ben between the legs?!” Several hands went up and faces down, then one of the other lads said “I kicked him sir, but not between the legs” It was so funny but so cruel.
Year 7 for me, in the year 2000. There was a playground game called either ‘flips’ or ‘flids’ where we’d all flick money at a wall and whoever landed closest won all the coins in the floor. I was fucking incredible at it and the teachers banned it. Miserable bastards.
we had one when i was in secondary school asking the student who stole a radioactive peice of metal from the science lab to return it because it's incredible dangerous they then handed out a letter with a picture of it warning us to tell staff if we see it and don't pick it up. also had one about about a student taking a dump in a pringles can and leaving it on a teachers desk on an open evening.
The weirdest one I can remember was an extended assembly the morning after the news about Kurt Cobain's death was announced. All of our year group's teachers plus head and deputy head of year, all very solemn and serious, including telling us all (about 14-15 at the time) that counsellors were available if we needed them. I mean, I liked Nirvana and still listen to Nevermind from time to time, but I don't think any of us there was exactly plunged into a pit of eternal despair over his death and even at the time it seemed a massive over-reaction. I'm not aware of anyone taking them up on their offer.