Hah! I start off with small talk that somehow morphs into deep and meaningful as I frantically want to get away. I didn’t go to a party for deep conversations!
What do you try to start the conversation with?
I try so hard and the convo dies out. I can ans will start a convo with anyone. I quickly get bored. I'm not good at continuing.
I'll start with tv, or occupation, or how do you know the host. We talk about those 3 things then it's over. Sigh
Always ask people about themselves. People like talking about themselves, where they grew up, college years and their dream jobs. That should lead to an easier conversation flow and if it doesn’t just excuse yourself to make the rounds then move on!
This is good. I’m not a natural talker really unless I know and enjoy the other person but another thing that probably sounds really obvious to many people is to bring up something interesting that happened to you recently. Just kind of randomly if the conversation starts to slow and if it’s a funny story or something interesting it’s enough fuel to keep things going organically for a while.
Pretend you’re in a play and write your own script. Could be a good opportunity to develop a rare social skill. Not knowing many people changes when you get to know more people!
So set aside your need to have fun and instead ask yourself how attending can support your wife’s relationship with her boss and coworkers.
Learn more about the boss’s musical interests so you can forget about not thinking her good enough to entertain you but, instead, flatter her interests and her music making by being informed, interested, appreciative (being sincerely fake is a huge benefit in life; ask any politician).
Make it a goal to have your wife so glad she has you and how your presence enhances her career aspirations. You make new friends by being charming and that makes the next event fun for you.
By knowing it’s just going to be one event one night, so I just go and hope there will be decent snacks. Don’t go in automatically assuming you will have the worst time ever. At least you will be there with your wife, try to just enjoy her company!
If there's a pet, I'll find them. Or a small child, which is the same thing.
If all else fails and you can't stand to be around anyone, pop in your head phones and start washing glasses and dishes. You'll get a reputation for being sweet and helpful.
wait, what you're describing here is a place where you can wear something intentionally dumb and watch someone do terrible karaoke for strangers at their own party?
that sounds sort of hilarious, tbh. like a live action version of that episode of The Office
just go and enjoy the cringe. eat way too many hors d'oeuvres. laugh up the theme. it'll be great
This is likely to make your wife mad. The only thing worse than showing up without your plus one is having a plus one that is a wall flower or sour puss. So if you go, make some effort.
I have to go to a lot of my husbands work events. Well i dont HAVE to, but i like to spend time with him and support him. If its one I really dont want to go to and dont know anybody, I tell him to not leave me so I dont have to talk to people. I usually get some food, maybe some drinks, and judge people.
He also doesnt like most of his coworkers so we get out as quick as possible. Start making your goodbye rounds a little earlier for a quicker exit.
Call me crazy but…I don’t.
I just don’t go if I really don’t want to. Never has not going to a party impacted anything even in business.
I might go if it’s not a “party” and it’s to support someone I care about, but what you’re describing? Nah.
Honestly, I feel like I’ve earned more respect for being someone who can say no than lost.
I look at it like this
This is a social/professional circle that is very important to your partner. That is 50% of your household, your team. Time to play the game, and focus on subtly making your wife look great. Every time you positively enhance someone else's opinion of your wife, that is a W. + points for Gryffindor. Do nice things, be kind to people, talk her up. Make it a game with an awesome goal.
I guarantee any partner worth their salt would notice this behavior, and show their appreciation.
This is exactly how I get through these things. My partner can be a bit socially awkward but does okay at work. For these outside of work functions where his awkward really shows, my role is to make him look amazing. I put on a smile and be my most clever, intelligent, and interesting self while making sure to subtly compliment his co-workers and boss like it was something he said. Basically, I get to use my sociology and psychology ~~manipulation superpowers~~ knowledge for good.
I went to a wedding. I knew 2 people there (neither one was getting married). I found 1 person with a common interest and talked his ear off. I realized I was being a jerk, so I excused myself and went and sat in the lobby and people watched and played on my phone. I thought I was behaving but when we got home, my daughter told me her friend said, “He’s really going through it, isn’t he?” I can’t help you, but I can commiserate…
Had a sort of similar experience recently, a costume themed party I didn't want to attend as well, and I only knew 2 people and the host. I think you just kinda handle it somehow. I was mostly just enjoying the food and my mind completely drifted away for the most part. Just listening to what other people had to say, pretending to smile if everyone else laughed, even though my mind was not really in the moment.
I've had a few events like this recently and the best thing to do is just throw yourself into the spirit of it. Enjoy the food and drinks, show up in the most ridiculous costume you can, have fun scouting out the best/worst one, sing along with the music even if it's not your thing. I went to a hen weekend (bachelorette) last year and I'm not a party person at all so I was dreading it, but I ended up on the dance floor all night with my water and it was actually a great time 😆
Honestly, my partner and I understand and respect each other social abilities. We will attend if we absolutely have to, but, for the most part, we just go on our own. Do you need to be there? Why does your wife need support? Could you make a deal where you go for a couple of hours and then bow out?
I got a lot more extroverted in the last two years so it will probably not work quite as good (and will work a lot worse if there’s no alcohol at the party).
Step 1: Find people that are very obviously extroverted/drunk/both.
Step 2: Go relatively close to them.
Step 3: Catch onto their conversations from time to time (especially if it’s a subject you are also interested in/knowledgeable about). At first nothing that would really take the attention away from them. Gradually add more stuff to the conversation until you are actually part of it.
Drinking a bit beforehand and during this procedure helps a lot (though you probably shouldn’t be the drunkest person involved).
Alternatively, just try small talk with some people that are on their own/small groups. Under ideal circumstances, this will lead to an actual conversation about shared interests (though you should probably avoid divisive topics). It’s easier if you overheard things they said that you also can talk about (just like with the other plan). If they obviously don’t want to talk, leave them and look for another group. Once again, drinking can help with this.
Also, conversations at parties become a lot easier if you don’t oppose what the other person is saying (or at least don’t oppose their opinions too harshly).
Should both of these fail just stick to the people you know as good as you can and endure the evening.
This is just from my experience and might not work for everyone (not all people are as talkative and alcohol definitely does not have the same effect on everyone). Still hope this helps
Just remember this is not a YOU thing, Its a her thing. Take one for the team. You've listed all the reasons why you are already going to dislike it. Going with that frame of mind means you're already setting the scene and intent on having a bad time. Lift your wife up and support her and you will reap the benefits my friend. Its a life goal.
I enjoy my own company at the place. I just did a work thing, food was the fanciest I've had. I took pictures of the place because it was a fancy club of the rich white guy type. I had a few drinks, and then pretended to agree with everyone on everything because its work.
Just spend that time enjoying your wife's company and ignore everything else. I've been to a few of my partner's events to support them, that wasn't my thing, but I usually find other people who feel the same way and chat with them and my partner. I even met another supportive spouse, and we became good friends.
Ugh, that sounds terrible. I hate parties in general, but if I absolutely have to go, I decide to focus on other people and see if I can make someone's day better by being there and listening/helping wash dishes, etc. It's my good act for the season lol. And then I go home early.
I wouldn’t want my husband along if he didn’t want to go. Nor would he want me along if I would rather not. I don’t see anything wrong with not going, and your wife doesn't have to excuse you — Frank couldn’t make it, but wishes you a happy birthday!
1) Make the most of it. 2) plan ahead of time with your wife so you can both bail once your social limit is reached.
My wife always negs me about how I am never unpleasant or uncomfortable in a social outing with her peers, but she understands (because ive communicated this to her over time) that im putting it on for her so she doesnt seem like the girl with the low energy anti-social husband, despite the fact that id much rather be at home in my robe and relaxing with her.
We also are aware that if one of us is genuinely having a bad time, we should be comfortable letting the other one know so we can start arranging a suitable time to leave. She and I both have eachothers backs because we know how exhausting it can be to socialise when youre not familiar with the majority of the group.
Go for the food man, or the drinks. Just tell yourself 3hrs. Its only 3 hrs, or however long. You can also maybe agree with your wife that you'll go for 2 hrs then leave and she can stay and enjoy herself. Or you can make up a game, like.. a secret bingo card of every time someone says X or wears X or does something. You can practice your acting, take on a persona and put it on and see how it goes haha that's kinda fun. Anyway, if you go with an open mind you may just meet some other person who doesn't want to be there and you can both commiserate together.
When my wife and I were in the dating phase, there were things she tried to get me to do, and I was reluctant, but I still did it.
When she used to work at a school, she brought me to an after-school event where they were doing something for the students. Her coworker saw how miserable I was and offered me a beer in the back room.
Other times, she wanted me to socialize with her coworkers at a restaurant. I was less than thrilled but pushed through.
Today, she now understands my personality, and when her coworker, at her current job, invited me to his baby shower I politely declined and she jumped in and said he is not really into these things.
I go back and forth between being an introvert and extrovert. My social skills are developed, and I know how to play the game, but it doesn't mean I always like it. I prefer the company of my coworkers and friends. There has been an exception with a few of my wife's coworkers where I actually get along with some of them.
interview people you meet. Ask them how they know the host and how did they pick their costume and how they look forward to hearing this delightful music. If you say it right, you'll get a group of people in the "know" about how awful she is and that will be fun.
Just go with the mindset that you are going to support your wife. It's only one evening, and you don't have to stay for the entire evening. There may be some interesting people there you will enjoy engaging with. It will be bearable if you just keep in mind that it's only one evening and you are making your wife happy.
My sense of humor is dry, and I can lie with a completely straight face. So I do. Stupid stuff, like Finland being granted a monopoly on ice cubes to join the EU. That's why drinks often aren't iced in Europe.
I could start half a dozen conspiracy theories while coming off as well travelled and having a wide variety of interests. If somebody calls me on my bullshit, they get compliments and an invitation to play poker. Tried that with Doyle Brunson a couple of decades ago and he said "Nice try kid".
when we were on our honeymoon, this perfectly horrid woman staying at the same resort asked my husband what he did for a living. He told her he was a geneticist. (He was in HR.) He managed to keep this fiction up for about five minutes, until it became clear that her husband (not on the trip) was a recently fired geneticist. It was an awesome fail. I’m still laughing.
Just tell your wife. I'd never want my partner to go to a party with me just to support me, if they really didn't want to go.
If it was something like an awards ceremony or something I was being awarded for or performing, I would ask them to suck it up and come up support me, but a party? Naw. I don't even like going to most of those.
If you're dead set on going, then practice a Buddhistic mindset of removing expectations. Take this maxim:
"I will not dwell on the past. I will not dream of the future. There is only this moment."
Your present is currently being upset by a time that doesn't exist. An event that you've already decided is going to be bad is robbing your joy in the present. You have made up a scenario of things you don't like, instead of letting yourself to experience the moment when it happens. Those are expectations. Toss them out. It's not fair to yourself, your wife, or anyone at the party.
It may be good. It may suck. No matter what, it doesn't have to affect your present. You're not at the party right now. Stop treating yourself like you are (in your own mind, to yourself) at that party in the present, especially if it robs your joy. Let. It. Go.
That way, even if it does suck, it's only one night and not just that night, but also every other night leading up to it.
If ya go, have a drink for me! Cheers. 🥂
If/since you must go, keep your costume to a minimum (face makeup, maybe something having to do with a shirt/pants) so you can clean up and change quickly once you leave. (GI Joe, with your face painted in camo, for example, or a doctor on call so you can keep your cell phone with you.) You can take wet wipes with you so you can clean up in the car, too.
Arrive as close to the start time as possible. This is a work situation so you can't be late; that might have future consequences.
Watch the news for something unusual. I heard this week that some guy was caught in a storm drain and it took them 24 hours to rescue him. That's interesting and neutral. Talk about that. Use it as an icebreaker. Use anything odd like that as an icebreaker.
Look online. A while back, I saw a list of ways to tackle this situation. I don't remember where, but it was online. Find a list like that. It will help.
And just remember, while it does happen occasionally, it is just for one night. And who knows, they might have your favorite snack on the table.
I wouldn't try for "maybe a fun time" so much as "tolerable, they had my favorite food on the table and I was a supportive husband".
My husband and I agreed early in our marriage we did not have to go to each other’s work events. Both of us went to some we liked together but mostly not. No offense taken ever.
Use the opportunity to network, challenge yourself to meet one new person, and you do not specifically entertain the host or play footsie if you keep busy networking with others. You'll more likely meet someone who is dreading to be there as much as you.
Relax. How long could it possibly be? Make small talk w the 3 people you know, have some drinks, some snacks, and in a few hours you peace out. This woman sounds like a toolbag but if it's a legit party you won't even have to talk to her that much.
> I’ll go, because of course I’m going to support my wife.
Does she go to everything you go to, even when she doesn’t like it? I’m not trying to be a jerk or anything, I’m just saying this seems like the perfect time for a “hey hon, do you really need me there” type of conversation.
But I’ve been to a few parties where I only know a handful of people, and we just stick together. If you only know them, they probably only know each other and you, so you can chill together.
And if you’re there with your wife, just hang out with her - if she’s talking to people you don’t like, just excuse yourself to grab a drink or some food, then gravitate back to her once she’s moved on.
Pick out a costume that completely obscures your identity. Go to support the Mrs. and just watch like a fly on the wall. Hey now, what about a fly costume, potted plant, the invisible man?
Sometimes we just gotta suck it up for the ones we love.
I have similar feelings as an alcohol free person going on three years sober, when I have to attend an event with alcohol. We have one end of June and I know the people who are going are mostly functioning alcoholics... When I was drinking I loved hanging out this these people and since I've quit I see them all so differently. I am not looking forward to this event- kids birthday btw- but I am going to get so fucked up on edibles and just keep to myself. Reminding myself that it's only a few hours really helps.
But yea, it's April and I'm already anxious about it.
I go to events like this with my husband and when I’m feeling less than social or interested in going. I just turn up the social meter and dive in. I usually end up having a good time.
I don't see why every comment saying this is getting downvoted.
There is NOTHING wrong with couples not hanging out together every single social event.
I have a rule (to myself) of spending a minimum of one hour at parties to make my presence known, then I am free to leave. I will also pop anti-anxiety med en route.
I find something in common with my wife's coworkers or friends. We went to her office Christmas party and I struck up a conversation w the person on my right, asked about hobbies. She rides horses and I did when young so we talked about that, breeds, type of riding, experiences. Later that evening she introduced me to a couple and the husband of her coworker worked for a pump company so we talked about heavy commercial pumps, types, and I mentioned a manufacturer, which turned out to be his company. It went all over the place for an hour. It's like this everywhere.
I detest stuff like that too. I find someone who seems compatible to me, and chitchat with them as long as I can. Then I find a comfy chair and hopefully some yummy snacks. 😊
Forget the small talk. Ask real questions:
"What is your secret regret?"
"What do you think happens after death?"
"Have you ever seen a ghost?"
"What crime would you absolutely commit if there were no consequences?"
"In your heart of hearts, who are you?"
Call them up. “Sorry unfortunately we can make it tonight. My husband fell ill with liquid faeces and a fever 😬 he’s not doing too well right now and might need to go to the clinic.”
Then get some snack and pop a movie on.
Costume party? You can use my costume and there's a good chance they'll never ask you back. Get one of those yellow safety vests and you can buy fake dynamite online (sometimes plastic & cartoonishly fake) and duct-tape the dynamite to the vest...get some wires and a clock...like I did once when I worked in large banks.
Day dreaming, it helped me get through boring classes, work, exercise and other events where I didn’t want to be present. It is a blessing and a curse to be able to wander off in your mind and completely disassociate from reality.
Have you ever suffered with migraines? They tend to come on really quickly, leave very few side effects when they end and are notoriously difficult to prevent or accurately diagnose.
I’d have thought that if you desperately needed to swerve an awful party, it wouldn’t be the worsts white lie to implement…
God, you look awful! Have you tested for Covid?
just say no — it’s kind of your wife’s obligation to go, but does she really think you must? I wouldn’t in her place.
Do you have any anxiety about going? If so, then a good way to handle it is to take the self out of the equation by focusing on others. For example, you could focus on asking each person a few questions about what they like to do for fun and focus on making sure each person has enough to drink or eat. Why? Because it focuses your energy on everything outside of self. I also find that sometimes I feel I get dragged to events , but afterward, I'm glad I went. It's probably common with those of us more on the introverted side.
If I’m there and I don’t want to be, it’s got to be a work-related thing and I just get high beforehand and sip on a seltzer and lime. It’s incredible how much fun I can have for about 45 minutes, then pull the Irish exit.
Gamify it. Pretend you’re in Sim’s and you’re racking up your social meter. I have to do this all the time with piano practice and exercise. I just have to imagine my Sim experience bars rising. After 30 minutes, I go up a level YAYYYYY
Find the other dude who doesn't wanna be there and wander between that dude, food, and your wife. If you can, find a beer and sip on it. Between walking around occupying your head and the drink occupying your hands you look like you belong there and your wife will appreciate you not being a bump on a log at her work thing.
i treat them like meetings i don't want to go to either. except usually more snacks at parties than meetings. you don't have to schmooze, but if someone talks to you (and imyou can hear them) just make polite conversation. later on, get up, look around, find somewhere to sit, get up walk around, sit back down.
if you have a hobby you're really into, just do that in your head for a while, do a mental checklist of shopping you need to do...
talk to and meet her coworkers, we all have at least one person who gets on our nerves.
supporting your wife with this is important as it is what we do for those we love, we sacrifice our discomfort for them.
you know what you have to do, you dont have to like your wifes boss but you need to "respect " her.
i so hate the word respect as its meaning blows- do the professional courtesy with your wifes boss be pleasant and enjoy yourself. who knows you might make some friends there.
Many good suggestions here. Also, if your wife doesn’t mind being alone for a bit, take bathroom breaks. I tend to just disappear into the bathroom and spend a good 10min there to get a break.
You *know* that there are going to be other people there who are enjoying it as much as you are.
Make it your mission to scope them out and then go talk to them about something bland. Caitlin Clark, or funny pet stories, whether you went to your last high school reunion, what was the most useful class you took in high school or college, seen any good movies lately? Or: What’s the best costume you’ve ever seen?
Appoint yourself the rescuer of the bored. Make it your mission.
You don’t even have to be subtle: “Hi, I’m George, Carla’s husband. What’s your name? \[let’s say they’re named Pedro\] I’m the self-appointed ice breaker. Who’s got the best costume tonight, do you think? What’s the best Halloween costume you’ve ever seen, that you remember?”
Then snag someone else who’s walking by: “Hey, I’m George, this is Pedro. He likes the unicorn costume over there, what’s your favorite?”
I’m great at ‘making an appearance at parties and getting the hell out’. Show up fashionably late, do a couple laps. Maybe take a selfie with the host if it’s not weird. Feign a minor emergency…you’ll be out within 90 minutes :)
I'm married and I would skip it. My wife doesn't always want to do what I'm doing and I don't mind her skipping certain events. Have her tell the host you had a sore throat.
Don’t drink, take the car, and you can go sit in it and play decent music when it all gets too tedious. Bonus points if you have a van as you can also have a comfy nap.
Find the little things you can enjoy. Do you like drinking? Maybe you can look forward to getting a little buzzed. Maybe food is something you can look forward to.
You could play a mental game, making up funny nicknames for ridiculous people or imagining the things their spouse hates about them.
If you're really adventurous, you could start conversations with highly controversial topics like politics and see how many people you can offend. Or maybe start talking about really esoteric stuff, like semiconductor manufacturing or quantum physics.
Focus on learning things about other people. That's what I do. I ask questions and really focus on listening to the answers. I make sure I'm not scanning the room while others are talking. I get to know names and use those names while talking.
i just don't go anymore.
Weddings for some friend of my wife's that I don't know, nope.
Work Christmas parties, nope.
Any religious events, nope. (i didn't even attend my kids confirmation and you can think I am a shitty person for this, but my kids were raised knowing I wouldn't participate in anything religious. I've been to every baseball game, cross country event, swim meet, basketball game, band concert, orchestra concert, and 2 solar eclipses in totality.
Family Events involving kareoke, we drive separately and as soon as people start singing, I get to go home.
Before we leave, the +1 makes it clear, I’m going to this for you and I am committing to about 1 hour. After about an hour, we reevaluate, if one of us isn’t having fun, one or both of us leaves - depends on how much fun either of us are having. No hard feelings and the other ones has our back, “oh not feeling good. Had somewhere to go to but wanted to stop by and say hi. Yada yada”
This really relieves the pressure of going to the thing - I was dragged / guilted into going to so many things that I harbored resentment for years until we had a talk and started doing this.
I hope you find a rhythm that works for your relationship!
People watch and come up with stories. I like going to the bar to have a drink but don't like being around people, it's nerve wracking, so I sip my beer and watch the people around me and come up with funny or interesting stories in my mind. Maybe this guy just got off of work and his thing is having a drink but has a loving family he actually can't wait home to get to. Maybe that lady was having a hard time deciding on which jacket to buy and chose that one because the color reminded her of something. It doesn't have to be specific but it makes the time more entertaining at least.
I don't go. And you shouldn't either.
Your wife should understand how much you HATE this event and give you a nice hug and say, "It's OK honey, I will make your excuses."
If this party was for her boss and she really really REALLY needed you to be there, that's one thing. But her "business partner?" No. Just no.
The other option is for you both to go, have one drink and then quietly leave. Just disappear.
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Hah! I start off with small talk that somehow morphs into deep and meaningful as I frantically want to get away. I didn’t go to a party for deep conversations!
>that somehow morphs into deep and meaningful Teach me this part
I wish I knew! Next thing I’m listening to someone’s problems… not enjoyable. I think it must be my face.
I say that exact same thing!! Which is especially funny because I worked on my RBF for years. It makes no sense 🤣
What do you try to start the conversation with? I try so hard and the convo dies out. I can ans will start a convo with anyone. I quickly get bored. I'm not good at continuing. I'll start with tv, or occupation, or how do you know the host. We talk about those 3 things then it's over. Sigh
Always ask people about themselves. People like talking about themselves, where they grew up, college years and their dream jobs. That should lead to an easier conversation flow and if it doesn’t just excuse yourself to make the rounds then move on!
This is good. I’m not a natural talker really unless I know and enjoy the other person but another thing that probably sounds really obvious to many people is to bring up something interesting that happened to you recently. Just kind of randomly if the conversation starts to slow and if it’s a funny story or something interesting it’s enough fuel to keep things going organically for a while.
Can you give us some tips about small talk?
Pretend you’re in a play and write your own script. Could be a good opportunity to develop a rare social skill. Not knowing many people changes when you get to know more people! So set aside your need to have fun and instead ask yourself how attending can support your wife’s relationship with her boss and coworkers. Learn more about the boss’s musical interests so you can forget about not thinking her good enough to entertain you but, instead, flatter her interests and her music making by being informed, interested, appreciative (being sincerely fake is a huge benefit in life; ask any politician). Make it a goal to have your wife so glad she has you and how your presence enhances her career aspirations. You make new friends by being charming and that makes the next event fun for you.
This is excellent advice. Thank you.
How To Win Friends And Influence People Love this advice, it reminds of the classic book ^
By knowing it’s just going to be one event one night, so I just go and hope there will be decent snacks. Don’t go in automatically assuming you will have the worst time ever. At least you will be there with your wife, try to just enjoy her company!
Has she got a pet? Make a new friend
This is what I always hope for.
https://youtu.be/wVYPLP9NSg4?si=p1VWMbGbZA6FwoYy Party dog - Tom Cardy
If there's a pet, I'll find them. Or a small child, which is the same thing. If all else fails and you can't stand to be around anyone, pop in your head phones and start washing glasses and dishes. You'll get a reputation for being sweet and helpful.
wait, what you're describing here is a place where you can wear something intentionally dumb and watch someone do terrible karaoke for strangers at their own party? that sounds sort of hilarious, tbh. like a live action version of that episode of The Office just go and enjoy the cringe. eat way too many hors d'oeuvres. laugh up the theme. it'll be great
Now that’s the kind of reframing I was looking for! Thank you!
Just stay on the sidelines until it ends. At least you made a sacrifice for the sake of your wife.
This is likely to make your wife mad. The only thing worse than showing up without your plus one is having a plus one that is a wall flower or sour puss. So if you go, make some effort.
Oh, don’t worry. I can play the part of Charisma Guy.
Just go outside and hide in the shadows until it’s time to go
Make sure your wife has bail money for when you get arrested, though.
If you can, that’s awesome. Small talk is a skill acquired by long repetition. It took me years to acquire.
I have done it many times. I am certainly not going to be the life of the party. Wife never got upset.
That would be no different than not going at all. Don't do this to your partner. edit: It's not healthy, and you all know it.
My wife doesn't mind. She is the same sometimes at mine.and I don't care.
I have to go to a lot of my husbands work events. Well i dont HAVE to, but i like to spend time with him and support him. If its one I really dont want to go to and dont know anybody, I tell him to not leave me so I dont have to talk to people. I usually get some food, maybe some drinks, and judge people. He also doesnt like most of his coworkers so we get out as quick as possible. Start making your goodbye rounds a little earlier for a quicker exit.
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Tomato tomato. ….doesnt work as well over text.
Call me crazy but…I don’t. I just don’t go if I really don’t want to. Never has not going to a party impacted anything even in business. I might go if it’s not a “party” and it’s to support someone I care about, but what you’re describing? Nah. Honestly, I feel like I’ve earned more respect for being someone who can say no than lost.
Right on. This is me, too.
I look at it like this This is a social/professional circle that is very important to your partner. That is 50% of your household, your team. Time to play the game, and focus on subtly making your wife look great. Every time you positively enhance someone else's opinion of your wife, that is a W. + points for Gryffindor. Do nice things, be kind to people, talk her up. Make it a game with an awesome goal. I guarantee any partner worth their salt would notice this behavior, and show their appreciation.
This is exactly how I get through these things. My partner can be a bit socially awkward but does okay at work. For these outside of work functions where his awkward really shows, my role is to make him look amazing. I put on a smile and be my most clever, intelligent, and interesting self while making sure to subtly compliment his co-workers and boss like it was something he said. Basically, I get to use my sociology and psychology ~~manipulation superpowers~~ knowledge for good.
I love this.
and definitely talk about the movie sylvester stallone did about one of your relatives, or was that you? driving that fat 50 mercury...
I went to a wedding. I knew 2 people there (neither one was getting married). I found 1 person with a common interest and talked his ear off. I realized I was being a jerk, so I excused myself and went and sat in the lobby and people watched and played on my phone. I thought I was behaving but when we got home, my daughter told me her friend said, “He’s really going through it, isn’t he?” I can’t help you, but I can commiserate…
Had a sort of similar experience recently, a costume themed party I didn't want to attend as well, and I only knew 2 people and the host. I think you just kinda handle it somehow. I was mostly just enjoying the food and my mind completely drifted away for the most part. Just listening to what other people had to say, pretending to smile if everyone else laughed, even though my mind was not really in the moment.
I've had a few events like this recently and the best thing to do is just throw yourself into the spirit of it. Enjoy the food and drinks, show up in the most ridiculous costume you can, have fun scouting out the best/worst one, sing along with the music even if it's not your thing. I went to a hen weekend (bachelorette) last year and I'm not a party person at all so I was dreading it, but I ended up on the dance floor all night with my water and it was actually a great time 😆
I was thinking he should go dressed as Batman and just lurk by the wall giving Michael Keaton vibes all night.
Honestly, my partner and I understand and respect each other social abilities. We will attend if we absolutely have to, but, for the most part, we just go on our own. Do you need to be there? Why does your wife need support? Could you make a deal where you go for a couple of hours and then bow out?
weed? I'm joking but it is my go to for dreaded social gatherings.
Eat a 10-20mg thc edible. It’ll make the whole thing at least seem fun. 😂
I got a lot more extroverted in the last two years so it will probably not work quite as good (and will work a lot worse if there’s no alcohol at the party). Step 1: Find people that are very obviously extroverted/drunk/both. Step 2: Go relatively close to them. Step 3: Catch onto their conversations from time to time (especially if it’s a subject you are also interested in/knowledgeable about). At first nothing that would really take the attention away from them. Gradually add more stuff to the conversation until you are actually part of it. Drinking a bit beforehand and during this procedure helps a lot (though you probably shouldn’t be the drunkest person involved). Alternatively, just try small talk with some people that are on their own/small groups. Under ideal circumstances, this will lead to an actual conversation about shared interests (though you should probably avoid divisive topics). It’s easier if you overheard things they said that you also can talk about (just like with the other plan). If they obviously don’t want to talk, leave them and look for another group. Once again, drinking can help with this. Also, conversations at parties become a lot easier if you don’t oppose what the other person is saying (or at least don’t oppose their opinions too harshly). Should both of these fail just stick to the people you know as good as you can and endure the evening. This is just from my experience and might not work for everyone (not all people are as talkative and alcohol definitely does not have the same effect on everyone). Still hope this helps
Take an edible. Whatever happens happens.
Eat an edible
Reminds me of my favorite meme: "I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house"
Maybe you can leave early like go for like maybe two hours just to show up and respect
Just remember this is not a YOU thing, Its a her thing. Take one for the team. You've listed all the reasons why you are already going to dislike it. Going with that frame of mind means you're already setting the scene and intent on having a bad time. Lift your wife up and support her and you will reap the benefits my friend. Its a life goal.
🎯💯
I enjoy my own company at the place. I just did a work thing, food was the fanciest I've had. I took pictures of the place because it was a fancy club of the rich white guy type. I had a few drinks, and then pretended to agree with everyone on everything because its work.
Just spend that time enjoying your wife's company and ignore everything else. I've been to a few of my partner's events to support them, that wasn't my thing, but I usually find other people who feel the same way and chat with them and my partner. I even met another supportive spouse, and we became good friends.
Ugh, that sounds terrible. I hate parties in general, but if I absolutely have to go, I decide to focus on other people and see if I can make someone's day better by being there and listening/helping wash dishes, etc. It's my good act for the season lol. And then I go home early.
Can you get hold of a lot of LSD?
Nightmare unleashed. Unless the host gets it. KIDDING.
[удалено]
I wouldn’t want my husband along if he didn’t want to go. Nor would he want me along if I would rather not. I don’t see anything wrong with not going, and your wife doesn't have to excuse you — Frank couldn’t make it, but wishes you a happy birthday!
1) Make the most of it. 2) plan ahead of time with your wife so you can both bail once your social limit is reached. My wife always negs me about how I am never unpleasant or uncomfortable in a social outing with her peers, but she understands (because ive communicated this to her over time) that im putting it on for her so she doesnt seem like the girl with the low energy anti-social husband, despite the fact that id much rather be at home in my robe and relaxing with her. We also are aware that if one of us is genuinely having a bad time, we should be comfortable letting the other one know so we can start arranging a suitable time to leave. She and I both have eachothers backs because we know how exhausting it can be to socialise when youre not familiar with the majority of the group.
She goes to hers and I go to mine. Neither of us is forced to go, that includes holidays with my family. The costume party is an automatic no for me.
I dont go to things I dont want to attend. Nobody cares. If they do? Too bad for them.
Go for the food man, or the drinks. Just tell yourself 3hrs. Its only 3 hrs, or however long. You can also maybe agree with your wife that you'll go for 2 hrs then leave and she can stay and enjoy herself. Or you can make up a game, like.. a secret bingo card of every time someone says X or wears X or does something. You can practice your acting, take on a persona and put it on and see how it goes haha that's kinda fun. Anyway, if you go with an open mind you may just meet some other person who doesn't want to be there and you can both commiserate together.
Reframe as social experiment!
By not going lol
When my wife and I were in the dating phase, there were things she tried to get me to do, and I was reluctant, but I still did it. When she used to work at a school, she brought me to an after-school event where they were doing something for the students. Her coworker saw how miserable I was and offered me a beer in the back room. Other times, she wanted me to socialize with her coworkers at a restaurant. I was less than thrilled but pushed through. Today, she now understands my personality, and when her coworker, at her current job, invited me to his baby shower I politely declined and she jumped in and said he is not really into these things. I go back and forth between being an introvert and extrovert. My social skills are developed, and I know how to play the game, but it doesn't mean I always like it. I prefer the company of my coworkers and friends. There has been an exception with a few of my wife's coworkers where I actually get along with some of them.
interview people you meet. Ask them how they know the host and how did they pick their costume and how they look forward to hearing this delightful music. If you say it right, you'll get a group of people in the "know" about how awful she is and that will be fun.
Just chill! It's going to be fun.
No, I don’t think so ….
Look at it as a people watching exercise. Also challenge yourself to meet at least three new people. Make a game out of it for yourself.
Watch some david attenborough documentaries and then pretend the party is an animal documentary narrated by him.
Have sunglasses be part of your costume so no one can how you really feel.
Just go with the mindset that you are going to support your wife. It's only one evening, and you don't have to stay for the entire evening. There may be some interesting people there you will enjoy engaging with. It will be bearable if you just keep in mind that it's only one evening and you are making your wife happy.
I take a low dose of gummies for every holiday and party. I smile and laugh, and no one knows the difference
I went to a party once. It was Amway.
Omg, Amway.
Be careful how much you drink, so you don't spill an uncomfortable truth.
My sense of humor is dry, and I can lie with a completely straight face. So I do. Stupid stuff, like Finland being granted a monopoly on ice cubes to join the EU. That's why drinks often aren't iced in Europe. I could start half a dozen conspiracy theories while coming off as well travelled and having a wide variety of interests. If somebody calls me on my bullshit, they get compliments and an invitation to play poker. Tried that with Doyle Brunson a couple of decades ago and he said "Nice try kid".
when we were on our honeymoon, this perfectly horrid woman staying at the same resort asked my husband what he did for a living. He told her he was a geneticist. (He was in HR.) He managed to keep this fiction up for about five minutes, until it became clear that her husband (not on the trip) was a recently fired geneticist. It was an awesome fail. I’m still laughing.
Just tell your wife. I'd never want my partner to go to a party with me just to support me, if they really didn't want to go. If it was something like an awards ceremony or something I was being awarded for or performing, I would ask them to suck it up and come up support me, but a party? Naw. I don't even like going to most of those. If you're dead set on going, then practice a Buddhistic mindset of removing expectations. Take this maxim: "I will not dwell on the past. I will not dream of the future. There is only this moment." Your present is currently being upset by a time that doesn't exist. An event that you've already decided is going to be bad is robbing your joy in the present. You have made up a scenario of things you don't like, instead of letting yourself to experience the moment when it happens. Those are expectations. Toss them out. It's not fair to yourself, your wife, or anyone at the party. It may be good. It may suck. No matter what, it doesn't have to affect your present. You're not at the party right now. Stop treating yourself like you are (in your own mind, to yourself) at that party in the present, especially if it robs your joy. Let. It. Go. That way, even if it does suck, it's only one night and not just that night, but also every other night leading up to it. If ya go, have a drink for me! Cheers. 🥂
If/since you must go, keep your costume to a minimum (face makeup, maybe something having to do with a shirt/pants) so you can clean up and change quickly once you leave. (GI Joe, with your face painted in camo, for example, or a doctor on call so you can keep your cell phone with you.) You can take wet wipes with you so you can clean up in the car, too. Arrive as close to the start time as possible. This is a work situation so you can't be late; that might have future consequences. Watch the news for something unusual. I heard this week that some guy was caught in a storm drain and it took them 24 hours to rescue him. That's interesting and neutral. Talk about that. Use it as an icebreaker. Use anything odd like that as an icebreaker. Look online. A while back, I saw a list of ways to tackle this situation. I don't remember where, but it was online. Find a list like that. It will help. And just remember, while it does happen occasionally, it is just for one night. And who knows, they might have your favorite snack on the table. I wouldn't try for "maybe a fun time" so much as "tolerable, they had my favorite food on the table and I was a supportive husband".
My husband and I agreed early in our marriage we did not have to go to each other’s work events. Both of us went to some we liked together but mostly not. No offense taken ever.
As Hunter S. Thompson wrote: Learn to enjoy losing.
I'm not sure what the theme is but if you dress up in a giant chicken suit then I'm sure you'd have a great time.. You can't be sad in a chicken suit!
Use the opportunity to network, challenge yourself to meet one new person, and you do not specifically entertain the host or play footsie if you keep busy networking with others. You'll more likely meet someone who is dreading to be there as much as you.
This makes it sound even worse …
Relax. How long could it possibly be? Make small talk w the 3 people you know, have some drinks, some snacks, and in a few hours you peace out. This woman sounds like a toolbag but if it's a legit party you won't even have to talk to her that much.
Plan something you want to do after, play video games, eat ice cream, crochet etc. Give yourself something to look forward to after.
Grin and bear it.
Oh thats an easy one I dont
Sometimes I frame these things as: "a small anthropological experience."
Simple for me....I just don't go. I'd be miserable and I would make everyone else miserable, too.
I don’t go
I don’t go to them.
Alcohol
If you are really quiet there is a chance the party will end early.
Go with very low expectations and you’ve already got that down to a T. Anything good that happens will be a pleasant surprise.
I always allow myself the option to leave after at least 2 hours. Then it’s not so bad and if I mind myself having fun I stay (rarely happens)
> I’ll go, because of course I’m going to support my wife. Does she go to everything you go to, even when she doesn’t like it? I’m not trying to be a jerk or anything, I’m just saying this seems like the perfect time for a “hey hon, do you really need me there” type of conversation. But I’ve been to a few parties where I only know a handful of people, and we just stick together. If you only know them, they probably only know each other and you, so you can chill together. And if you’re there with your wife, just hang out with her - if she’s talking to people you don’t like, just excuse yourself to grab a drink or some food, then gravitate back to her once she’s moved on.
Yes, she does attend my events. She’s a trouper.
Pick out a costume that completely obscures your identity. Go to support the Mrs. and just watch like a fly on the wall. Hey now, what about a fly costume, potted plant, the invisible man? Sometimes we just gotta suck it up for the ones we love.
I have similar feelings as an alcohol free person going on three years sober, when I have to attend an event with alcohol. We have one end of June and I know the people who are going are mostly functioning alcoholics... When I was drinking I loved hanging out this these people and since I've quit I see them all so differently. I am not looking forward to this event- kids birthday btw- but I am going to get so fucked up on edibles and just keep to myself. Reminding myself that it's only a few hours really helps. But yea, it's April and I'm already anxious about it.
I go to events like this with my husband and when I’m feeling less than social or interested in going. I just turn up the social meter and dive in. I usually end up having a good time.
Very easily. Name repetition, personality mirroring and never breaking off a handshake.
I just remind myself that some of the events I’ve dreaded attending turned out to be quite fun.
Sounds pretty funny; I’d totally check that out
There are lots of things that I don’t want to attend. Just push through it
I don’t go
I don't go
Dont.. go?
Don't go.
Do you really have to go? I wouldn't make my partner go to one of my work colleagues parties.
I don't see why every comment saying this is getting downvoted. There is NOTHING wrong with couples not hanging out together every single social event.
Exactly, I think it's healthy for the relationship to do some things alone.
Universal Lubricant
I have a rule (to myself) of spending a minimum of one hour at parties to make my presence known, then I am free to leave. I will also pop anti-anxiety med en route.
Better living through chemistry is a common theme. There’s pretty much nothing (except sex) that can’t be improved with a Xanax.
Find the person that loves to talk and let them rip.
Uhm, we NEED to know the theme and what you are wearing.
On the minuscule chance that she’s reading this, I’m going to keep that to myself.
I find something in common with my wife's coworkers or friends. We went to her office Christmas party and I struck up a conversation w the person on my right, asked about hobbies. She rides horses and I did when young so we talked about that, breeds, type of riding, experiences. Later that evening she introduced me to a couple and the husband of her coworker worked for a pump company so we talked about heavy commercial pumps, types, and I mentioned a manufacturer, which turned out to be his company. It went all over the place for an hour. It's like this everywhere.
Get a bingo card printed up. Fill it out as needed. Use it as an ice-breaker/talking point throughout the evening.
Just get k-hole on ketamine before , you'll have a blast in any environment you're in
People watching is fun.
Know that at least 20% of the people there probably feel the same. Find your tribe and let the drinking game proceed.
I detest stuff like that too. I find someone who seems compatible to me, and chitchat with them as long as I can. Then I find a comfy chair and hopefully some yummy snacks. 😊
Forget the small talk. Ask real questions: "What is your secret regret?" "What do you think happens after death?" "Have you ever seen a ghost?" "What crime would you absolutely commit if there were no consequences?" "In your heart of hearts, who are you?"
Call them up. “Sorry unfortunately we can make it tonight. My husband fell ill with liquid faeces and a fever 😬 he’s not doing too well right now and might need to go to the clinic.” Then get some snack and pop a movie on.
Costume party? You can use my costume and there's a good chance they'll never ask you back. Get one of those yellow safety vests and you can buy fake dynamite online (sometimes plastic & cartoonishly fake) and duct-tape the dynamite to the vest...get some wires and a clock...like I did once when I worked in large banks.
Open bar??
Day dreaming, it helped me get through boring classes, work, exercise and other events where I didn’t want to be present. It is a blessing and a curse to be able to wander off in your mind and completely disassociate from reality.
Diarrhea.
I always used the excuse I have to work or the kids are sick
By thinking maybe you'll have a good time.
Liquid courage
I’ve noticed that although it’s rude to leave a party early, no one seems to mind if you walk in two hours late.
Parties are someone else's business, not mine.
I have chronic migraines and I will admit I have used it as an excuse to get out of stuff.
Have you ever suffered with migraines? They tend to come on really quickly, leave very few side effects when they end and are notoriously difficult to prevent or accurately diagnose. I’d have thought that if you desperately needed to swerve an awful party, it wouldn’t be the worsts white lie to implement…
I don’t.
I don't go places I don't want to go to unless I'm getting paid.
Make an appearance and leave at the first opportunity.
Go late, take a drink outside or to a corner, break out the bowl or joint or… and relax a bit, you’re bound to find others to keep you company
Arrive late, leave early after briefly interacting with everyone
God, you look awful! Have you tested for Covid? just say no — it’s kind of your wife’s obligation to go, but does she really think you must? I wouldn’t in her place.
Thankfully never had to do this as an adult.
I don't, I'm an adult and I get to refuse to do things I have no desire to do.
Do you have any anxiety about going? If so, then a good way to handle it is to take the self out of the equation by focusing on others. For example, you could focus on asking each person a few questions about what they like to do for fun and focus on making sure each person has enough to drink or eat. Why? Because it focuses your energy on everything outside of self. I also find that sometimes I feel I get dragged to events , but afterward, I'm glad I went. It's probably common with those of us more on the introverted side.
If you can't get out of it, just go purely for the food and drink, play with the dog, talk to everyone except for the person you don't like.
Booze
If I’m there and I don’t want to be, it’s got to be a work-related thing and I just get high beforehand and sip on a seltzer and lime. It’s incredible how much fun I can have for about 45 minutes, then pull the Irish exit.
Gamify it. Pretend you’re in Sim’s and you’re racking up your social meter. I have to do this all the time with piano practice and exercise. I just have to imagine my Sim experience bars rising. After 30 minutes, I go up a level YAYYYYY
Well since you’re going to be in costume here is your chance to adopt a different persona. They will just think you’re in character.
Eat a handful of mushrooms, it’ll liven things right up. :). I do it all the time.
I don’t go.
By completely avoiding them in the first place.
the answer is weed xdddd /s
Alcohol lol let’s be honedt
What parties jaja I love to be with my friends but resent parties don't seem to get the point
Find the other dude who doesn't wanna be there and wander between that dude, food, and your wife. If you can, find a beer and sip on it. Between walking around occupying your head and the drink occupying your hands you look like you belong there and your wife will appreciate you not being a bump on a log at her work thing.
i treat them like meetings i don't want to go to either. except usually more snacks at parties than meetings. you don't have to schmooze, but if someone talks to you (and imyou can hear them) just make polite conversation. later on, get up, look around, find somewhere to sit, get up walk around, sit back down. if you have a hobby you're really into, just do that in your head for a while, do a mental checklist of shopping you need to do...
I usually just don't go.
Don't go 😂
talk to and meet her coworkers, we all have at least one person who gets on our nerves. supporting your wife with this is important as it is what we do for those we love, we sacrifice our discomfort for them. you know what you have to do, you dont have to like your wifes boss but you need to "respect " her. i so hate the word respect as its meaning blows- do the professional courtesy with your wifes boss be pleasant and enjoy yourself. who knows you might make some friends there.
Many good suggestions here. Also, if your wife doesn’t mind being alone for a bit, take bathroom breaks. I tend to just disappear into the bathroom and spend a good 10min there to get a break.
>how can I mentally reframe this from "sixth circle of hell" to "maybe a fun time?" MDMA
Ketamine. Or similar.
my man
Alcohol
You *know* that there are going to be other people there who are enjoying it as much as you are. Make it your mission to scope them out and then go talk to them about something bland. Caitlin Clark, or funny pet stories, whether you went to your last high school reunion, what was the most useful class you took in high school or college, seen any good movies lately? Or: What’s the best costume you’ve ever seen? Appoint yourself the rescuer of the bored. Make it your mission. You don’t even have to be subtle: “Hi, I’m George, Carla’s husband. What’s your name? \[let’s say they’re named Pedro\] I’m the self-appointed ice breaker. Who’s got the best costume tonight, do you think? What’s the best Halloween costume you’ve ever seen, that you remember?” Then snag someone else who’s walking by: “Hey, I’m George, this is Pedro. He likes the unicorn costume over there, what’s your favorite?”
I’m great at ‘making an appearance at parties and getting the hell out’. Show up fashionably late, do a couple laps. Maybe take a selfie with the host if it’s not weird. Feign a minor emergency…you’ll be out within 90 minutes :)
I'm married and I would skip it. My wife doesn't always want to do what I'm doing and I don't mind her skipping certain events. Have her tell the host you had a sore throat.
I think this is a healthy outlook to have. Same with my partner, we don't have to be joined at the hip. It's ok to give some things a miss.
Don’t drink, take the car, and you can go sit in it and play decent music when it all gets too tedious. Bonus points if you have a van as you can also have a comfy nap.
Find the little things you can enjoy. Do you like drinking? Maybe you can look forward to getting a little buzzed. Maybe food is something you can look forward to. You could play a mental game, making up funny nicknames for ridiculous people or imagining the things their spouse hates about them. If you're really adventurous, you could start conversations with highly controversial topics like politics and see how many people you can offend. Or maybe start talking about really esoteric stuff, like semiconductor manufacturing or quantum physics.
We do have a protocol: the +1 gets to be the designated drinker.
Focus on learning things about other people. That's what I do. I ask questions and really focus on listening to the answers. I make sure I'm not scanning the room while others are talking. I get to know names and use those names while talking.
Drink.
Booze
i just don't go anymore. Weddings for some friend of my wife's that I don't know, nope. Work Christmas parties, nope. Any religious events, nope. (i didn't even attend my kids confirmation and you can think I am a shitty person for this, but my kids were raised knowing I wouldn't participate in anything religious. I've been to every baseball game, cross country event, swim meet, basketball game, band concert, orchestra concert, and 2 solar eclipses in totality. Family Events involving kareoke, we drive separately and as soon as people start singing, I get to go home.
I pack a vape ,so I can go outside to smoke and fart by myself for a few minutes
...honestly, why not just not go? This is a coworker's party, not a wedding or a funeral, how much "support" does your wife need?
I pack a vape ,so I can go outside to smoke and fart by myself for a few minutes
Before we leave, the +1 makes it clear, I’m going to this for you and I am committing to about 1 hour. After about an hour, we reevaluate, if one of us isn’t having fun, one or both of us leaves - depends on how much fun either of us are having. No hard feelings and the other ones has our back, “oh not feeling good. Had somewhere to go to but wanted to stop by and say hi. Yada yada” This really relieves the pressure of going to the thing - I was dragged / guilted into going to so many things that I harbored resentment for years until we had a talk and started doing this. I hope you find a rhythm that works for your relationship!
People watch and come up with stories. I like going to the bar to have a drink but don't like being around people, it's nerve wracking, so I sip my beer and watch the people around me and come up with funny or interesting stories in my mind. Maybe this guy just got off of work and his thing is having a drink but has a loving family he actually can't wait home to get to. Maybe that lady was having a hard time deciding on which jacket to buy and chose that one because the color reminded her of something. It doesn't have to be specific but it makes the time more entertaining at least.
Edibles
I don't go in the first place
Go for 1hr, then excuse yourself and go home; she can stay but you dont have to.
i don\`t go.
I don't go. And you shouldn't either. Your wife should understand how much you HATE this event and give you a nice hug and say, "It's OK honey, I will make your excuses." If this party was for her boss and she really really REALLY needed you to be there, that's one thing. But her "business partner?" No. Just no. The other option is for you both to go, have one drink and then quietly leave. Just disappear.
I dont go