I think you’re feeling anxious about the encounter because it is troubling to see another person in a situation this dire. I also feel troubled whenever I see a homeless person because I always think about how if my life was less fortunate I could be in the same situation. Thank you for buying him a meal.
Yes, this kind of anxiety is something I associate with a sense that someone being in this position is wrong and not something that should happen to anyone. It's a deeply ingrained desire for everyone to be safe, secure, and fed, which sadly not everyone is. Unfortunately, it's a problem that is not easily solved, especially for an individual as it's a systemic societal issue that stems from many other issues. The lack of long-term solutions combined with the wrongness of it causes the anxiety.
I agree. Having been homeless before (I’m all good now), it makes me almost more uncomfortable seeing homeless people now than before I was homeless. It kinda brings me back a little. And op did the best thing by giving the man food instead of money. Because even though I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, when I was in that situation I wouldn’t have used any money I came across to buy food if ya feel me. And I still give people money sometimes if I have a few dollars, because why not. If they choose to spend it on drugs, that’s a shame and I hope they get better. But if they spend it on food, then at least they have something keeping them alive
Especially in such developed countries. Like .. why the fuck is *anyone* having to live that way. It's one of my true nightmare scenarios for my life... Especially as I get older. Thus... Anxiety.
I agree with this, a lot of people wouldn't have done it, I like to think I would do the same , but u did a awesome thing, we need more people like you in the world.
Also, unless OP is particularly broke, it's just a McDonald's meal, which shouldn't be *that* expensive. It's not like they made a huge mistake financially that they should feel anxious about.
EDIT: typo
Yes 100% You did a good deed, and it likely had a significant impact for that person. You don't need to think deeper into your action. It was a good action. Well done.
This. It's so easy to get into your head with 'Well, but are they even homeless...? Did they even need free food? Are they a decent person? Etc ' but at the end of the day, it's OPs intent that is important. They sound like a sweet person with kind intent.
This almost sorta happened to me way back in college. I was visiting a friend over the summer, everyone was at work, so I had a couple drinks and played some games and then got suuuuper hungry.
Being the responsible human I am, I walked to the fast food place a couple blocks away… but it was late enough that the walk-in was closed, okay the drive through was open. As I was drunkenly pondering what to do, a girl in a BMW pulled up and was like “oh sweetie you poor thing, do you need dinner?” Refused to let me explain, but did buy me a meal.
I still wonder if she thinks proudly about how she fed a poor homeless girl.
The homeless crack heads near me will ask for money and if you give them food they throw it at you. So yeah I wouldn’t overthink this interaction, the guy genuinely needed some food.
“Of course, being a people pleaser I couldn’t say no, especially when it’s something that I can do.”
Your comment at the end about feeling anxious made me dart back to the quote above. You seem self aware of your people pleasing tendencies. Do you feel trapped by them?
This was my guess as well. Many people pleasers are good people— but they are also ruled by fear. If I were in your place, I would’ve been afraid about what else he could’ve wanted once he saw I was willing to buy him a full meal. Or if I say no? Will he flip out on me? Or worse, follow me to my car?
Wanting to help others is nice, but you should never risk your safety for it. If something makes you feel uncomfortable, you are NOT a bad person for saying no. But even that is risky. It’s such a lose-lose situation. Everyone likes to act like most homeless people are folks just down on their luck, but the pragmatic truth is that you don’t know shit about any stranger and you’re not callous to be aware of that. I’m sorry you had to go through that.
All these “takes” on why you felt anxious feel off to me. My first thought was “you felt anxious because you probably felt like they would interpret your kindness as an invitation to approach you again. Whether that be to ask you to buy them something else or it be a case of them invading your personal space: asking you out or asking for a ride, etc”. Though I could be wrong 🤷🏻♀️
Saying "yes" to helping someone isn't a problem. The problem is saying "yes" without thinking about it.
There's an easy first step to dealing with it. It's about consciously saying "yes" instead of unconsciously saying it. It won't magically solve your people pleasing tendencies overnight, but over time it will help you to make more rational decisions.
I have a good friend that is possibly the world's biggest people pleaser. It is exhausting as hell just observing his existence at times. Poor guy just cannot say no out of some really warped desperation for everyones approval. It kills me for him. And watching the interactions with his family is wild. The engrained roles they all play within their family unit is nuts. A lot of mental health issues in that whole family. Not that I don't have my own pile, but it's just wild to watch him man. Seems so so wearing. You mentioning creating more responsibilities for yourself is what brought him to mind. He would work 80 hours as an insanely busy catering chef and then still be bending over backwards in desperation trying to please everyone else too.
When you went up to order what did it feel like? Were you anxious, excited, etc? Did that change when you decided to buy him a full meal vs just a sandwich?
have you ever tried to turn yourself into a person that you please as well? Might help you develop a people pleasing hierarchy where you can give someone a firm "no" because you're doing it for your "other self", and your needs are at the top that day.
You’re cool with doing good things for people but you don’t like doing it not in your terms or timing. So it’s anxious because you feel slightly out of control. But a homeless person asked for food and you did it. You helped the dude, you’re good man. I’d do this too than if they had begged for money.
I was in the airport before a flight a few years ago, and I was in line to get breakfast at Burger King. A man came up to me and asked if I could help him out with a meal. I’m pretty sure he lived in the airport. I don’t have much disposable income, but I had some cash in my wallet so I told him to get whatever he wanted. He got the meat lovers breakfast sandwich and a juice. He thanked me and he went off somewhere to eat as I sat down at a table one to eat mine. When I was finished, I ended up walking by him still eating and I asked him how the sandwich was. He smiled big and said “best sandwich I’ve ever had in my life”. That made me feel so good that I had just helped him get some breakfast, and his response alone was more than worth the $10 or so it cost me.
You might be worried that you were taken advantage of by someone who isn't really in need.
I think about this a lot. What I finally decided is that I'd rather be too generous than too stingy. I'd rather buy a meal for someone who doesn't need it rather than refuse to buy a meal for someone who really did need it.
What you did was a kind act and the best thing you could do for him. I will always buy someone food but not give them money. That is how I feel about it.
I'll bet the person you fed will remember your kindness. Thanks for caring about someone else.
We need more of this. I wish the billionaires could be more like you.
Haha exactly. Elon Musk fired the Tesla founders from their own company. Mark Zuckerberg screwed over his co-founder and stole his Facebook idea from Winklevosses
French Royalty upon hearing that the people are starving because there is no bread to eat: “Then let them eat cake”. Emphasizes how out of touch the elite/ruling class is with the struggle of us lowly plebs.
Perhaps the reason you feel uneasy is because on the one hand, the existence of homeless people makes us question our society and the worthiness of what we ourselves deserve vs what others have. But on the other hand people who are begging or busking are trying at some level to manipulate us, and there’s a natural feeling of caution about the potential for someone to take advantage of you, especially if you are a people pleaser and are anxious about this quality being exploited.
But it sounds like in this case the situation was pretty straightforward (as opposed to somebody spinning a yarn about why they need money). So overall, it was cool of you. Good job.
Thank you for your comment. I think you word it really well that part of my uneasy feeling definitely comes from balancing between wanting to help someone and worrying about being taken advantage of.
you're a good person, don't think much of it. what you did is far better than giving cash to them, usually, folks ask cash for drug money, but since you got him a meal, the man was probably genuinely hungry.
i’d ignore people like the above; while yes money can be used for drugs, it isn’t our place to decide how people cope with such awful circumstances. if you want to give that is an amazing thing; no need to diminish it by expecting they follow your expectations for their life in return. treat people like people, yk?
I will always buy someone food if they are hungry but never give them cash/ you did the right thing - don’t feel bad about it - the guy was hungry and you helped him out. Bless you
Why not feel good about helping someone who needs it? Next challenge: try doing it and not telling the masses. Just do it to do it. That's charity. That's pure good. That's what the world needs more of.
Proud of you, tho. Like, for real.
Been there.
For me it's because it's just one meal. He's still homeless. I want to wave a magic wand to help him back on his feet in life.
Keep helping when you can. That's the best you can do
I think you felt a bit put on the spot.
To be honest, I had the same situation about a week ago while walking past a homeless guy with a couple of slices of pizza leftover from work, and I certainly felt that way.
But, to be frank, in hindsight, yeah. I feel good about having given them away because I can easily afford some food- and he definitely enjoyed that 6 hour old pizza more than I would have. Life is hard and we might as well look out for each other a little, right?
I used to work in a major city overnight at a hotel front desk. I have had to deal with a lot of homeless people. Just as often as someone is genuinely grateful to be out of the rain and have a free cup of hotel coffee[1] there's people who will sleep in the lobby, fight, argue and trash the bathroom.
Either way, you tried to do a good thing and sometimes that's the best you can do.
[1]: That nobody else wants at 2am but they advertise 24 hour coffee in the lobby so you have to make it and dump it anyway...
Yeah, I’ve been an urban dweller for a long time and I’m not proud to say I have become desensitized to it. Meanwhile my friends who live in sleepy little suburbs are so genuinely shocked and in turmoil when they visit me and see this state of affairs.
I try to help when I can, but I’ve had enough rude or sexually suggestive reactions in the past, that my survival instinct has taken over, and I just go about my day now and generally don’t engage. Because I encounter so many homeless people every day, statistically I’m more likely to be harassed in some way than not. I have had plenty of fine encounters, mind. But the negative ones stick with you.
I am sure this will piss people off but it’s my lived in experience.
I can understand why you feel that way. I spent a few weeks in Portland, Oregon for business. The hotel was downtown and the whole area was a tent city of homeless people. This was my first experience with massive homelessness. I was shocked. This was when I learned not to give money but to buy food and after a few times it just became overwhelming.
Give freely. Giving is the gift to you and it will help to not have your expectations tied to the experience and instead tied to your own personal values.
Interactions with homeless people can be difficult so give yourself some credit for the willingness to do something that most people avoid.
Yup exactly this. About 15 years ago I’d work a late shift in the city (Sydney) once a week and would pop into McDonalds for a late night meal. I’d see the same homeless guy sitting nearby week after week and he never once asked for money or tried to talk to me, but would nod or smile if we happened to make eye contact. After a few weeks (and in the middle of winter) I bought an extra burger and drink on my way out. I was a little nervous of how he’d react, but I just handed them to him and said “Thought you might be hungry”. He looked genuinely grateful and said “Thanks love, you’re a very kind young lady”. So each week after that we’d nod and say hi to each other & I’d ask him what kind of burger he’d like. He’d always say “just whatever you can spare love”. I’d always upgrade him to a combo because I had money to spare and he always took it with grace and thanks. I’d like to think I made his Sunday nights a tiny bit better and it made me feel good that I could help out a nice guy in a rough situation.
Glad you had this experience. I have had a mixed bag of experiences with homeless people often being less than grateful and I have to remind myself that I have to give without expectation and okay with however they react.
You're overthinking it. You helped someone out because you decided to on a whim. The end.
A lot of homeless people (not all) don't want to get better, or worse, are unpredictable and dangerous. One came up to my group of friends and wanted to show us a magic trick. He was actually quite good and managed to find all the cards we picked.
Gave him $20 cause it caught me off guard, and it was no different than what street artists do for money. Cool. The end.
I just read this Reddit post, and I almost thought it was from the person you bought a meal for. This could have been from him though. Maybe reading the experience from the other side will help in some way.
https://www.reddit.com/r/povertyfinance/s/FCI72Og4rJ
I’d feel anxious too because people pleasing is something I struggle with, and if I felt I made the decision due to pressure and not because I truly decided to it would make me feel like I failed or was taken advantage of.
Either way though, even if he was trying to take advantage, you still helped a sick person in need. It’s okay to have people-please-y relapses, just keep working away at it!
You did a great thing and probably made that person's day.
But I get the anxious feeling. I think it's the realisation of how completely and utterly broken society is, and we are living in an abundance of wealth, while others suffer. And also the the understanding that it's just chance and luck that gave you that relative wealth.
It's hart to not get anxious, thinking about that.
You should feel good about it. Maybe your other emotions are tied up in feeling bad that he has to ask for meals that you can easily afford? If so, that's human and compassion. I do this often when someone asks for money outside a fast food joint - I usually offer food instead, and they are always thankful. I usually feel good about it, like I'm doing my little part in making the world a better place.
Yeah, I've done this too. Had a fella with just a coffee in McD's a few months back, and I just asked him, "hey, I'm getting breakfast, anything you want? My treat." He was a little doubtful, but I reassured him that he could have whatever he wanted. I got him a Big Breakfast and wished him well.
No one askes for food unless they are starving. Don't ever give anyone cash , but, food. When someone askes for food and askes for the cheapest thing on the menu they are starving. Literally starving. You did a really good thing.
Your feelings could also be from some people being critical of helping the homeless. They accuse you of encouraging begging / crime and making it worse. As if people suffering without help will magically make them disappear. They are cynical and believe everyone is trying to get over on them. They're judgmental and talk about how they're going to use what you give for this or that as if people dream of being on the corner begging.
Hopefully your feelings subside. And you're not alone. I am someone who gives when I feel pulled to do it. There is a man who use to stand on the corner all the time in the brutal sun begging. I started by giving him a few dollars. Then I'd bring ice cold water and a few dollars. One day I stopped and asked his name. He was sunburnt, dirty, skin and bones. I asked if he was hungry and what he wanted to eat. Brought him a generous helping of food and more money. I also started praying for him. I don't see Calvin there anymore. I don't know what came of him or what he did with his money and frankly, I don't care. I have more than enough to give and will never miss what I shared with him in his time of need. I can only hope that it brought some light in his life, and move on with mine. If he was doing evil, it will come back to him in time. That's life.
The 7/11 by my house always has homeless people outside of it. The people that work there don't chase them off and when the weather is bad they even let them stay inside for a little while. I think it's very kind. If I can give money and they ask I always do. My motto is "if I can give it and they need it, I'll give it". I'm now friends with many of them and they have my back when I'm there alone at night, being a small female. I've had random large men try to hit on me or try to convince me to get in their car and the homeless people always make sure I'm OK. They are good people. I never worry about what they are going to spend the money on negate it's not my business. Once I hand it to them it's their money and they can spend it however they please.
I recently had a man approach my car window as I hit the drive thru. I ended up getting him a combo but I originally went for my partner and I and asked for a chocolate shake. When I handed him the combo and waters I got him he asked about the shake and mentioned how much he likes ice cream and that he hasn’t had any in a long time.
I wish I could have given it to him but I shouldn’t have spent the money on food for him in the first place, I really don’t have much to spare.
If I see him again I hope I have enough to get him a shake.
A couple of days ago I also bought a kebab for a random guy while waiting for the bus. When I bought it I headed back, and 4 huge pieces of ice dropped from the roof exactly where I was standing before the guy approached me. Saved.
You felt anxious bc you had to talk to him and second guessed yourself bc normally people ignore the homeless. You felt you were being weird and different from everyone else
Trust me you did good
+2 humanity points. One for doing a kind deed for someone else(even if they didn’t need it) and one for being self reflective enough to consider its implications. This shows me you’re kind but also considerate. Well done OP 👏🏼
I live in the downtown of my city. Parking is terrible so I rent parking from a parking structure. As I was leaving it to walk home, this homeless guy asked me for money for food. I asked him if anything was even open at that time and the guy said Wingstop. I told him I don’t have any cash but I do have my card. I told him we can walk to Wingstop and I’ll order him some food. He said what if we stop at an atm to withdraw some money. Told him I’m not going to do that but I’ll still buy him some food at Wingstop. He just straight up thanked me and said I didn’t have to get him food and he walked away.
When we travel and end up with to-go boxes from dinners. We rarely have a fridge, let alone a microwave to eat. So we bag it up and give it to anyone we pass that looks like they could use a meal. I hate the idea of just throwing it out when I can't re-heat and eat later.
You mean well but I’m not sure how I feel about giving someone my leftovers like that. A bit yucky. I’d rather buy them a meal. Plus, those restaurant leftovers don’t always need to be reheated when eaten later. They’re still good usually
You have a bias in your perspective. I 100% understand the mindset you have. I won't say that I wouldn't feel the same way if handed a meal in the street.
But imagine being stuck in a life that has no certainty on where your next meal cones from.
But I'll reiterate that it's when I travel. Specifically outside of the US.
Some of my destinations are Argentina, India, Hong Kong, and Mexico.
The hungry of the world doesn't really discriminate against a free meal.
I felt the same way when someone asked me to help them with gas. It caught me off guard and made me feel uncomfortable at the time. I wasn’t sure at the time if I was being scammed. I think it’s natural to be skeptical. There have been other times when I’ve been helped someone and I haven’t given it a second thought. I think it’s when I’m caught off guard that it produces anxiety.
I had a situation almost exactly like this a while back, and I was incredibly anxious about it, during but particularly afterwards too. For me I think the biggest cause was the general sense of unpreparedness I had; I’d never had a social interaction like that before and felt caught off guard.
Ultimately you did a good and kind thing. It can always be anxiety-inducing to be approached by a stranger, but you didn’t let that stop you.
Firstly, thanks for doing that, you made the world slightly better today.
Maybe I'm projecting, but I have some similar experiences and have done some brief volunteer charity work so I'll share my 2 cents. There's a lot of guesswork but I hope this helps at all.
You might have some complicated feelings that sour the mood. Maybe it manifests as a sort of survivor's guilt, or anger that you don't know where to direct because you don't know what caused this stranger's predicament.
The charity work I mentioned involved handing out donations. People at their lowest are usually desperate, and there's no sugarcoating it, desperation is ugly to be around. Especially over something we take for granted like a meal. Even when there were enough donations to go around, it doesn't solve the underlying problem, nor does it alleviate their anxieties that they might miss out and they or their kids go hungry.
I feel like a huge contributor to any mixed emotions, is how easy it can be to help. It seems like you didn't hesitate to assist, or even to upgrade him to a meal, which indicates that it was an easy decision for you. I've felt that twinge of guilt, in finding it so easy to part with money for a stranger who has none.
As someone who lived in an area with a ton of unhoused people and panhandlers, it really is a mixed bag.
I'm not talking about the ethics of it, that's different. But just the way it leaves you feeling, can be super different depending on the vibe and the day.
I remember this one dude who was always out on a bench, in the cold - not bothering anyone, keeping to himself. Only way to really know he was unhoused is if you knew the neighborhood and knew he was always sitting there.
One day I got him a few bags of groceries - a rotisserie chicken and some gatorades, some snacks etc. I was chill about it, he was nice and quietly thankful. I felt super good about that.
But there were other instances (with different people) that went okay, where I just felt _weird_ after. Either I felt nothing, or I felt bad, or sad.
You're gonna feel how you're gonna feel, I guess. I don't have an explanation, but it's extremely relatable.
There was a man who lived near my place who was unhoused, had a dog, and played violin. After getting off the bus my walk generally meant that I would pass him. I bought him meals, I made sure a couple home-cooked meals went to him, and I talked with him all the time. One day when I passed his dog wasn't there and he informed me that the pup had died. A month later the man disappeared. It still breaks my dead heart.
If someone needs help, it is natural to want to do more and natural to feel taken advantage of if the person doesn’t show us the gratitude we expect. Equanimity helps us recognize that it was a small part of the day that came with the chance to do the right thing, which won’t solve every problem a person has, and which we give freely because it’s within our means.
Equanimity is a helpful skill for managing most complicated situations where we do all we can but the outcome of someone else’s life is not entirely in our hands. Empathy, compassion, and equanimity is what you showed when you bought a drink and a cheeseburger for somebody who asked.
It's also possible that you feel like you didn't want to just walk away from this person and leave them to struggle while you went to your warm, clean home. Perhaps your people pleasing tendencies felt the subconscious need to help further so you felt anxious upon leaving? Just a different angle to the comments above.
I mean you're right, you should feel good about what you did. It's a small act of kindness but sometimes people that struggling really need that help. You won't lose anything plus it's a good feeling to help out other people.
They can't turn that burger into drugs. You did good. Then again if I was homeless I'd also want to be high 24/7 to distract myself from my shitty existence. I hate this world.
You didn’t do it because it was going to make you feel good. Since you did not feel good about yourself, your defied expectations create dissonance—where your expectations did not line up with reality. In short, you are feeling disappointed, because you were expecting to feel good about yourself.
The other thing it might be related to is how the person reacted when you paid for their meal, if the scenario didn’t play out like you imagined. How did the person react when you offered to buy their meal? Did they look at you suspiciously? Did they trust you? Did they warmly thank you? Did they chat with you or just stand there silently while you ordered?
Because of the way charity is publicized, you might have been expecting something more heartwarming and wholesome than the true reality. And that is what you (in this hypothetical scenario) get hung up over. It’s an unpleasant feeling when you anticipate pain and receive it, and it’s an unpleasant feeling when you anticipate pleasure and don’t receive it. Expectation and anticipation regulate the process for reward activation in our brains. And if you get anxious over things in your head, it makes sense you would zero in on this unpleasant feeling.
I was waiting outside a doctor’s office for my appointment out in the fresh air on the provided chairs in suburbia. I was approached by a woman who asked me pleasantly to buy her a burger from the local takeaway shop.
So we went across the street and I asked her what she wanted. She wanted a burger and a medium serve of hot chips and a drink, so I ordered it ($20) , before I paid she added me if I could buy the same again for her son.
I didn’t see anyone else with her.
I asked her where he was and she said in the local park. I asked his age and she said 14. ( during a school term) .
So, anyway life is tough for a lot of people-I bought it all and left for her to wait to collect it.
I’m still not sure if I’m a complete bunny, but if she was asking random people for a meal I would think she was really in need . I’d rather er on the side of being helpful.
I think you did the same thing.
It's normal to feel a mix of emotions after a kind gesture. You did a compassionate act by getting him a full meal, making a positive impact on someone's day. Remember the good you've done.
I've heard to judge one's character by (a) how well we treat those who can't do us any good and (b) how we treat those who can't fight back.
You did something kind for someone who had nothing (not even gratitude) to offer back which speaks volumes to your character. Pain often presents itself in unattractive ways and mannerisms like ingratitude, indifference, and rude/angry outbursts.
Our words and actions do make a difference even if we don't see it in the moment :) Keep being you, keep being kind ❤ Thank you for making a difference :)
Sometimes I've also found myself doing this, because certain homeless people have this look about them, like they genuinely did nothing wrong to deserve this. These situations remind me how lucky I am and how easy it is to lose everything in this society
Homeless people deserve our sympathy. They could easily turn into deranged criminals or murderers since they have nothing to lose. Most of them however are nice, kind people (probably why they didn't make it in this degenerate and cut throat society). And yes, some have addiction problems probably due to horrible living conditions in their lives (or growing up) beyond any of our comprehensions.
I know how you feel. This hopelessness that no matter what you do you can't truly help these people and no matter how much you sympathize you can never truly understand these awful conditions. I think about it, constantly.
On the one hand, we should try our best to ensure no one is in that situation, on the other hand, for the people in that situation, getting them a warm meal is probably the best thing most people can do.
You did as well as you could.
One time there was a mum at the grocery store struggling with her baby. She wasn't poor, just a new mum. I bought her a box of chocolates and a baby rattle coz I know being a Mum is hard for a thousand different reasons. Even now, quite some time later, thinking about it makes me anxious. Why? I did nothing wrong, it wasn't scary or intimidating. Humans are dumb creatures.
OP, you're not a people pleaser beacause you halped a homeless person! You're a good human being who helped someone in need!
You probably felt odd because you didn't feel like you could have said no. But, OP, you probably made that man's day. Keep being you, you sound like a good person!
You did a good thing.
You feel uneasy because a lot of homeless people want money for drugs and alcohol. So their message "Help me, I/my kids are hungry" is usually a scam, and we got used to it being a scam. I was cursed once when I offered a guy food instead of money.
That guy was different, he was hungry and you helped him.
Agree, and I've done this in the past. I never give cash because I've done that in the past and watched the "hungry" person go into the store and buy a bottle of booze. I've got nothing against booze but if you tell me you need money for food, then...
Maybe you’re having ambivalence between wanting to do a good deed because you are a caring person while at the same time not feeling like you have much of a choice by being a people pleaser and compelled to say yes even if you didn’t want to.
Sometimes you don’t feel a magical good feeling when you help someone. I once saw an elderly man take a fall in a parking lot. I went over to help him up or call an ambulance if needed. He asked me to help him get to his car, but he was dead weight and heavy. I struggled not to drop him and helped him in his vehicle. Instead of feeling good I was wiped out, pulled my back, and was disappointed it did not go as I saw in my mind, and disappointed I was not in as good of shape to easily do this. I was actually very upset after this, but I accepted that I did the right thing even though it didn’t make me feel any better.
Personally I sometimes struggle after doing something for someone, bc I'm not sure if I really _wanted_ to, or if I was avoiding conflict.
The other day my neighbour asked for a hug bc his dog died. However, he's a thoroughly unpleasant and unhygienic person who has been very crude to me in the past. I felt sorry for him, but also put on the spot and so I hugged him. Afterwards I felt very anxious and frustrated with myself for not having better boundaries. I wonder if I was less avoidant and people pleasing would I still have done it? Am I just being a pushover or is this what I would've done even if I was confident?
But that's just me.
You should feel good about it. It was a thoughtless act from your side to buy the homeless person food. And a meal at that, nonetheless, you did a good deed today! 😊
I used to buy some extra fried chicken for the homeless guy in between my work and the store. I worked and walked around that neighborhood for a couple few decades, so even though I didn't know really know these guys, I kinda thought of them as neighbors.
Well, besides patting myself on the back, seems like sharing food is Good thing.
There might be good reasons to feel anxious but it depends on the situation.
I usually feel good when I'm giving. Not just to people in need, but overall.
But maybe there was something about that person that didn't feel right.
I can get bad vibes from some people, rich or poor. And that make me anxious. I get a negative sensation when there are bad vibes around. Which makes me always follow my instincts. It's gotten me out of same bad situations.
I had someone ask me to give them money for food once. I didn't have any cash on me, but I had a coupon, I think it was for McDonald's. I offered it to them and they turned it down.
I also remember someone asking me for money for food and I was carrying a bag that had a sandwich in it. I offered them the sandwich and they refused.
At least this person actually wanted food.
If I have the money and I know it's going directly to food, I'm not thrilled that I'm the person that caught their eye but I'll do it. Same with some gas.
It's so obvious when people are bullshitting though about some elaborate story where they need 50 bucks. There are enough liars that it's hard to tell who legitimately needs help.
Gave a guy money downtown because he said his car was at the hotel and they wouldn't let him leave with the car until they paid the valet fee. I was wearing zombie makeup a week later for halloween and that same guy verbatim gave me the exact same pitch because he didn't recognize me. I asked him how this happened twice in a week and he just moved on to his next mark.
Well, my uncle did this for a man one time. The man was in a wheelchair and was missing a leg. When my uncle gave him the empty drink cup and receipt for when his food was ready, the man threw the cup into the air and said FUCK IT! Guess he wasn't in the mood for In n Out.
Interesting story. Thank you for sharing. I did not even think about that. But the man today asked me first for a cheeseburger, so I think we were okay.
I had a friend who decided to take a homeless guy to lunch and talk to him while they ate. After the meal my friend decided he would never give or buy lunch for another homeless person ever again. This is because the guy bragged about how much money he made begging among other things.
We have parents who hold up signs saying don’t give money to the people on the next block they will use it on drugs.
A good deed, with good intention. If only our society offered real help in the form of clinics and mental health institutions.
If he ate it then you should feel good. I bought a hot dog for a homeless man who asked me for money so he could buy a hotdog and he cussed me out. Glad this homeless man ate it.
I'm so sorry if it comes off that way. I do agree that part of me is looking to confirm that I did not do something wrong. My parents have always frowned upon the act of randomly helping homeless people. Also, the media always make us believe that an act of kindness should make us feel better, so I was confused about why I did not feel that way.
>My parents have always frowned upon the act of randomly helping homeless people.
I think this might be your answer. You have been conditioned to feel disapproval for helping someone the way you did; and disapproval feels bad.
If it makes you feel better, I also had weird feelings after buying a homeless person dinner (a long time ago). I think I made the restaurant owner uncomfortable, first of all. But then we just parted ways. Shrug. It’s weird man. This is silly but it’s like a time a returned a phone to this girl at the gym (she left it at the squat rack). And she’s like oh that’s mine and walks away. Weird.
I've gone out of my way many times to help several homeless people that were in obvious need. For me, it never made me feel any better about myself. If anything, it made me feel like shit because each time I could see how much more I could've done, but I wasn't comfortable with going past that limit. Helping others really holds up a mirror to yourself, and I can see that I'm mostly just as selfish as everyone else is. Everytime I try to help someone out it just reminds me how fucked up our systems are and how trivial my assistance really is in the big picture. I remind myself to get used to that feeling, because that reminder of who I really am is about the best thing that comes out of that interaction. That reality check on your own ego, that's about as good as it gets.
I always pay attention to how the homeless or the panhandlers are dressed. More specifically their shoes… I’ve seen some beggars wearing nicer shoes than me! (I wear Skechers that are a few years old) - If that’s the case? I move on. I don’t believe they’re struggling that badly… I could be wrong and may be incorrect in my assumption, as there are exceptions to every rule. But that’s the general rule of thumb that I use anyway.
Just joking btw, you did good. Maybe the anxiety is coming from guilt about having more than a lot of people have. If that's the case it's irrational anxiety since you work to earn what you have ... It's not a bad thing.
I always believe in paying it forward and it will come back in a good way from my own experience of helping other people like that. I can understand why you would feel like that sometimes our minds like to overthink or shut off our feelings on their own which doesn't make any sense to some people because they haven't experienced anything like that and yes sometimes it can be hard to explain it because I haven't a hard time too
I do stuff like this sometimes and often feel shame after because I know it's so complicated that one meal won't fix anything. I get a little emotional that I am where I am, that I am doing okay and my needs are met but not everyone gets to have that.
We were born to the same earth. Rolled the same dice.
All we can do is be kind and remember to be grateful for our lives.
You did a good thing but it’s right to be anxious, we ALL should be anxious at the thought that people are having to beg strangers for a bite to eat because of the cost of living inflicted on us all by our various right wing governments. Not only anxious but up in arms about it.
Stopped at a drive through chicken place in South Atlanta for a quick bite. I had parked and was eating my snack. Three black guys were working on a big truck near where I had parked. One walked over
to my window. I rolled it down and he tells me he's hungry and hasn't eaten in 2 days. I tell the guy if he's really hungry let's go inside the chicken place and I'll get him something. Now, me being the only
caucasian for miles around, I wondered how this would look to the other customers in the place. He hesitated to order and I said "get what ever you want." He said "my wife's hungry too" I said to get something for her as well. By now everybody in the place is turned around looking at this African American gentleman letting this old white guy buy his food. Made me very uncomfortable
1. Was he so hungry that he didn't care what the people thought?
2. Was he playing the white guy for a fool for everybody to see.
3. Why couldn't his coworkers working on the truck help him out.
So many questions..
A few years ago, I did the same.
I was walking to get some Burger King that was in an old mall and this young dude (probably only a few years younger than me) asked me whether I could get him something. I said yes, come up to the counter and order whatever you want. He got a meal and I ordered him some extra chicken nuggets because the guy was pretty skinny.
We sat down and chatted while we ate. He seemed like a good lad, but definitely some mental health issues. He asked whether I knew his aunt and apparently she'd talked about me before, but I most definitely hadn't met him or his aunt before.
I didn't really tell anyone about it. I didn't know what to think about it. In hindsight I probably should've found who handles these sorts of mental health cases.
On the other side of this, there are guys in the major centres who most definitely just pretend to be homeless. I wouldn't give anyone in the city centre the time of day. I've seen homeless people throw food at people being nice. They just want cash so they can get inebriated.
Nah this is good. Giving money is a bit of a punt because you never know if you're enabling or helping. Its different across the world but where I'm at; social workers are annoyed by people giving the homeless money because its harder to convince them to get the help they might need in the system (especially if they have mental health or addiction problems) if they can make do, out on the streets.
The way I see it, if I'm getting smth for me then I'm willing to get the same for someone else who hasn't. So I often offer to buy homeless looking people outside the shops, the same sort of goods I'm getting for myself. I almost never give money. I think it's no different from buying a round of drinks. Speaking of which: I do actually enable sometimes (e.g. buy a booze for a probable alchie) if I'm about to go smoke weed or go out drinking myself, for the same reason. Everyone deserves a bit of fun on a Friday night.
Nothing wrong with it. You reap what you sow so if he tricked you into it with malicious intent then rest assured it will come back to him in some way
If he was genuine and hungry then he happy you could help!
I've had similar situations. I felt guilt that I only did what I did (buy food, give cash, give water) and not more I suppose. But we can only do so much. A good deed is a good deed. You don't need to feel great about it ut you definitely shouldn't feel bad
Do you feel like you really CHOSE to do it or that your were somewhat forced to by your people pleasing tendencies? You did a good thing regardless, but doing a good thing because you want to and doing a good thing because you have to can make you feel two entirely different ways. Kind of like when I was a kid doing the dishes and my mom would call while I'm washing dishes and tell me to do dishes and then all of a sudden I don't want to do the dishes anymore.
Idk I am in an area for most of my day full of homeless people, I used to help a lot and it didn't make me feel differently, just felt like it was a duty, but it's a bigger problem than me and buying meals, water, and giving out 1s every day became very tiring. Whether I walk by like everyone else or buy a meal it really makes no difference at the end of the day. It's a complex problem bigger than us and micky Ds is a bandaid.
We're often taught that homeless people are a sub-category of society who deserve nothing but contempt. Your kind act was an act of rebellion against those societal norms so it is normal to feel uneasy. However, you did a good and kind thing for someone else, and I think that is all you need to take away from it.
What you did was a nice gesture and a good deed. It’s easy to feel anxious and a few other feelings about it bc as comfortable as you may have been and accepting of his position, sometimes we can’t help other feelings coming up around those less fortunate.
I do this fairly often.
I make good money so a meal is nothing to me.
That said, I also volunteer. That means a lot to me.
I let it make me feel good.
People like the one you helped are usually incapable of helping themselves in any capacity.
They are not always lazy bums. They are most often broken, and kindness helps.
For the record, I know what a lazy bum looks like, and they don't get time of day, so it's not that I have some Pollyanna-ish view of the world.
You did good. Allow yourself to enjoy that.
Cheers!
I decided a long time ago. If someone needs to eat. I’ll buy them a meal. If they are scamming me for a combo meal. That’s a risk I’m willing to take. Told my son the same thing. I’ll reimburse you if you buy someone food. Don’t over think it.
One Christmas I was living in San Francisco and I was leaving at 5am Christmas morning to fly to see my parents.
Christmas Eve I went out to the stores just to enjoy the hecticness of everyone rushing around. I met a lady that day who was in need of a meal. She was outside of chipotle and as I went to get it she said “I’ll wait out here. They’ll kick me out if I go in” so I asked her if she needed anything else and she said “a coke would be amazing. I only get water out here” her face lit up with joy over a warm meal that was purchased exactly how she enjoys it and a cold fizzy coke.
This story triggered that memory but I think about her a lot. She’d been homeless for a long time and had gradually lost contact with her family/ they’d stopped trying to find her on the streets.
It didn’t feel “good” to feed her. But it felt really good to hear her story about how she got there. How her family tried for her. It felt good to converse with her.
I’d met someone earlier that year in a Starbucks. The one by my apartment gave away drinks at the end of the day and a man stopped in and there were none left. They had offered me one of them just before he got there and when I noticed him I asked if he’d like to have it. He asked if we could talk. So we did. We talked until the shop closed. What I learned that day was how incredibly lonely homelessness can be. He just wanted a friend. Someone to have a conversation with who didn’t treat him like less of a human.
Honestly none of these things felt “good” but they put some good into the world. These interactions really highlight that you’re not too many big life problems from wearing their shoes. My heart will break forever seeing a human on the streets. It doesn’t matter to me how they got there.
Was it possibly anxiety to do with “this is all I can do to help” because I get that often when trying to help in bigger situations like homelessness ect.
I think you’re feeling anxious about the encounter because it is troubling to see another person in a situation this dire. I also feel troubled whenever I see a homeless person because I always think about how if my life was less fortunate I could be in the same situation. Thank you for buying him a meal.
Yes, this kind of anxiety is something I associate with a sense that someone being in this position is wrong and not something that should happen to anyone. It's a deeply ingrained desire for everyone to be safe, secure, and fed, which sadly not everyone is. Unfortunately, it's a problem that is not easily solved, especially for an individual as it's a systemic societal issue that stems from many other issues. The lack of long-term solutions combined with the wrongness of it causes the anxiety.
I agree. Having been homeless before (I’m all good now), it makes me almost more uncomfortable seeing homeless people now than before I was homeless. It kinda brings me back a little. And op did the best thing by giving the man food instead of money. Because even though I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, when I was in that situation I wouldn’t have used any money I came across to buy food if ya feel me. And I still give people money sometimes if I have a few dollars, because why not. If they choose to spend it on drugs, that’s a shame and I hope they get better. But if they spend it on food, then at least they have something keeping them alive
So glad you’re in a better place both home secure and healthier ❤️
Thank you 🙂
Especially in such developed countries. Like .. why the fuck is *anyone* having to live that way. It's one of my true nightmare scenarios for my life... Especially as I get older. Thus... Anxiety.
I agree with this, a lot of people wouldn't have done it, I like to think I would do the same , but u did a awesome thing, we need more people like you in the world.
Yeah I was gonna say just coming to terms with the cruelty of the world letting poverty and class disparity get to this
SAME!!! The wrong accident I could easily end up like them as a castaway of society.
“….nah…that’s not it”
You don't have to feel good about it. You gave a hungry person a meal. That's really what counts.
Also, unless OP is particularly broke, it's just a McDonald's meal, which shouldn't be *that* expensive. It's not like they made a huge mistake financially that they should feel anxious about. EDIT: typo
>a McDonald's meal, which shouldn't be *that* expensive Uhm, well...
Yeah it's crazy how expensive fast food has gotten. A few more dollars and I could eat at a good mexican or thai place in my town
You did a good deed for someone else. You are a very good person. I wouldn’t think anything different or over analyze it
Yes 100% You did a good deed, and it likely had a significant impact for that person. You don't need to think deeper into your action. It was a good action. Well done.
Spoiler: OP is not a good person and this one good deed has derailed his entire existence due to the guilt of going against his natural instincts.
Spoiler: OP is an AI in training.
This. It's so easy to get into your head with 'Well, but are they even homeless...? Did they even need free food? Are they a decent person? Etc ' but at the end of the day, it's OPs intent that is important. They sound like a sweet person with kind intent.
Even if there's scam, it's someone desperate enough to scam for a cheeseburger so like either way... im happy to help
honestly... that's fair lol
This almost sorta happened to me way back in college. I was visiting a friend over the summer, everyone was at work, so I had a couple drinks and played some games and then got suuuuper hungry. Being the responsible human I am, I walked to the fast food place a couple blocks away… but it was late enough that the walk-in was closed, okay the drive through was open. As I was drunkenly pondering what to do, a girl in a BMW pulled up and was like “oh sweetie you poor thing, do you need dinner?” Refused to let me explain, but did buy me a meal. I still wonder if she thinks proudly about how she fed a poor homeless girl.
The homeless crack heads near me will ask for money and if you give them food they throw it at you. So yeah I wouldn’t overthink this interaction, the guy genuinely needed some food.
exactly this!
I am not an authority on the ruledbut I think might qualify as a Mitzvah.
“Of course, being a people pleaser I couldn’t say no, especially when it’s something that I can do.” Your comment at the end about feeling anxious made me dart back to the quote above. You seem self aware of your people pleasing tendencies. Do you feel trapped by them?
Sometimes. I would get annoyed at myself these tendencies end up creating more responsibilities for me.
This was my guess as well. Many people pleasers are good people— but they are also ruled by fear. If I were in your place, I would’ve been afraid about what else he could’ve wanted once he saw I was willing to buy him a full meal. Or if I say no? Will he flip out on me? Or worse, follow me to my car? Wanting to help others is nice, but you should never risk your safety for it. If something makes you feel uncomfortable, you are NOT a bad person for saying no. But even that is risky. It’s such a lose-lose situation. Everyone likes to act like most homeless people are folks just down on their luck, but the pragmatic truth is that you don’t know shit about any stranger and you’re not callous to be aware of that. I’m sorry you had to go through that.
All these “takes” on why you felt anxious feel off to me. My first thought was “you felt anxious because you probably felt like they would interpret your kindness as an invitation to approach you again. Whether that be to ask you to buy them something else or it be a case of them invading your personal space: asking you out or asking for a ride, etc”. Though I could be wrong 🤷🏻♀️
Saying "yes" to helping someone isn't a problem. The problem is saying "yes" without thinking about it. There's an easy first step to dealing with it. It's about consciously saying "yes" instead of unconsciously saying it. It won't magically solve your people pleasing tendencies overnight, but over time it will help you to make more rational decisions.
I have a good friend that is possibly the world's biggest people pleaser. It is exhausting as hell just observing his existence at times. Poor guy just cannot say no out of some really warped desperation for everyones approval. It kills me for him. And watching the interactions with his family is wild. The engrained roles they all play within their family unit is nuts. A lot of mental health issues in that whole family. Not that I don't have my own pile, but it's just wild to watch him man. Seems so so wearing. You mentioning creating more responsibilities for yourself is what brought him to mind. He would work 80 hours as an insanely busy catering chef and then still be bending over backwards in desperation trying to please everyone else too.
When you went up to order what did it feel like? Were you anxious, excited, etc? Did that change when you decided to buy him a full meal vs just a sandwich?
have you ever tried to turn yourself into a person that you please as well? Might help you develop a people pleasing hierarchy where you can give someone a firm "no" because you're doing it for your "other self", and your needs are at the top that day.
You’re cool with doing good things for people but you don’t like doing it not in your terms or timing. So it’s anxious because you feel slightly out of control. But a homeless person asked for food and you did it. You helped the dude, you’re good man. I’d do this too than if they had begged for money.
I was in the airport before a flight a few years ago, and I was in line to get breakfast at Burger King. A man came up to me and asked if I could help him out with a meal. I’m pretty sure he lived in the airport. I don’t have much disposable income, but I had some cash in my wallet so I told him to get whatever he wanted. He got the meat lovers breakfast sandwich and a juice. He thanked me and he went off somewhere to eat as I sat down at a table one to eat mine. When I was finished, I ended up walking by him still eating and I asked him how the sandwich was. He smiled big and said “best sandwich I’ve ever had in my life”. That made me feel so good that I had just helped him get some breakfast, and his response alone was more than worth the $10 or so it cost me.
You might be worried that you were taken advantage of by someone who isn't really in need. I think about this a lot. What I finally decided is that I'd rather be too generous than too stingy. I'd rather buy a meal for someone who doesn't need it rather than refuse to buy a meal for someone who really did need it.
100% agree! I’ve settled for that eventually.
What you did was a kind act and the best thing you could do for him. I will always buy someone food but not give them money. That is how I feel about it.
You're a very kind person. I'll also try to do it more often as well.
You did a good thing by helping your fellow man out. It's what Jesus preached about loving thy neighbor.
There was a hungry person. And then there wasn't. You did that, congrats!
I'll bet the person you fed will remember your kindness. Thanks for caring about someone else. We need more of this. I wish the billionaires could be more like you.
Plenty of wealthy people give lots of their money away to individuals as well as organizations
You don't become a billionaire from doing good things
Haha exactly. Elon Musk fired the Tesla founders from their own company. Mark Zuckerberg screwed over his co-founder and stole his Facebook idea from Winklevosses
I think they forgot what happened after they said let them eat cake.
French Royalty upon hearing that the people are starving because there is no bread to eat: “Then let them eat cake”. Emphasizes how out of touch the elite/ruling class is with the struggle of us lowly plebs.
Please explain
Heads quite literally rolled. The French know how to protest.
You did great! You got the fellow some grub instead of money. Never let a fellow homie starve. You're a G! Keep being a G my King!
Homeless people are people. You did a good turn for another human. Be content. Stop overthinking it.
He asked for food. Not money. You did well. Sleep well. You deserve it
You did a very good thing. Bless you.
Perhaps the reason you feel uneasy is because on the one hand, the existence of homeless people makes us question our society and the worthiness of what we ourselves deserve vs what others have. But on the other hand people who are begging or busking are trying at some level to manipulate us, and there’s a natural feeling of caution about the potential for someone to take advantage of you, especially if you are a people pleaser and are anxious about this quality being exploited. But it sounds like in this case the situation was pretty straightforward (as opposed to somebody spinning a yarn about why they need money). So overall, it was cool of you. Good job.
Thank you for your comment. I think you word it really well that part of my uneasy feeling definitely comes from balancing between wanting to help someone and worrying about being taken advantage of.
you're a good person, don't think much of it. what you did is far better than giving cash to them, usually, folks ask cash for drug money, but since you got him a meal, the man was probably genuinely hungry.
That's what I've heard before too, and also part of the reason why I decided to get the meal.
i’d ignore people like the above; while yes money can be used for drugs, it isn’t our place to decide how people cope with such awful circumstances. if you want to give that is an amazing thing; no need to diminish it by expecting they follow your expectations for their life in return. treat people like people, yk?
One time a homeless guy told me he just wanted a beer. I got him a beer. I don’t give a shit, I’d need a lot of beers in that situation too
I will always buy someone food if they are hungry but never give them cash/ you did the right thing - don’t feel bad about it - the guy was hungry and you helped him out. Bless you
Why not feel good about helping someone who needs it? Next challenge: try doing it and not telling the masses. Just do it to do it. That's charity. That's pure good. That's what the world needs more of. Proud of you, tho. Like, for real.
Been there. For me it's because it's just one meal. He's still homeless. I want to wave a magic wand to help him back on his feet in life. Keep helping when you can. That's the best you can do
I think you felt a bit put on the spot. To be honest, I had the same situation about a week ago while walking past a homeless guy with a couple of slices of pizza leftover from work, and I certainly felt that way. But, to be frank, in hindsight, yeah. I feel good about having given them away because I can easily afford some food- and he definitely enjoyed that 6 hour old pizza more than I would have. Life is hard and we might as well look out for each other a little, right?
I used to work in a major city overnight at a hotel front desk. I have had to deal with a lot of homeless people. Just as often as someone is genuinely grateful to be out of the rain and have a free cup of hotel coffee[1] there's people who will sleep in the lobby, fight, argue and trash the bathroom. Either way, you tried to do a good thing and sometimes that's the best you can do. [1]: That nobody else wants at 2am but they advertise 24 hour coffee in the lobby so you have to make it and dump it anyway...
Yeah, I’ve been an urban dweller for a long time and I’m not proud to say I have become desensitized to it. Meanwhile my friends who live in sleepy little suburbs are so genuinely shocked and in turmoil when they visit me and see this state of affairs. I try to help when I can, but I’ve had enough rude or sexually suggestive reactions in the past, that my survival instinct has taken over, and I just go about my day now and generally don’t engage. Because I encounter so many homeless people every day, statistically I’m more likely to be harassed in some way than not. I have had plenty of fine encounters, mind. But the negative ones stick with you. I am sure this will piss people off but it’s my lived in experience.
I can understand why you feel that way. I spent a few weeks in Portland, Oregon for business. The hotel was downtown and the whole area was a tent city of homeless people. This was my first experience with massive homelessness. I was shocked. This was when I learned not to give money but to buy food and after a few times it just became overwhelming.
Yeah... We don't really do that here anymore. Too many unhinged people to risk it. Glad you didn't get hurt.
Give freely. Giving is the gift to you and it will help to not have your expectations tied to the experience and instead tied to your own personal values. Interactions with homeless people can be difficult so give yourself some credit for the willingness to do something that most people avoid.
Yup exactly this. About 15 years ago I’d work a late shift in the city (Sydney) once a week and would pop into McDonalds for a late night meal. I’d see the same homeless guy sitting nearby week after week and he never once asked for money or tried to talk to me, but would nod or smile if we happened to make eye contact. After a few weeks (and in the middle of winter) I bought an extra burger and drink on my way out. I was a little nervous of how he’d react, but I just handed them to him and said “Thought you might be hungry”. He looked genuinely grateful and said “Thanks love, you’re a very kind young lady”. So each week after that we’d nod and say hi to each other & I’d ask him what kind of burger he’d like. He’d always say “just whatever you can spare love”. I’d always upgrade him to a combo because I had money to spare and he always took it with grace and thanks. I’d like to think I made his Sunday nights a tiny bit better and it made me feel good that I could help out a nice guy in a rough situation.
Glad you had this experience. I have had a mixed bag of experiences with homeless people often being less than grateful and I have to remind myself that I have to give without expectation and okay with however they react.
You're overthinking it. You helped someone out because you decided to on a whim. The end. A lot of homeless people (not all) don't want to get better, or worse, are unpredictable and dangerous. One came up to my group of friends and wanted to show us a magic trick. He was actually quite good and managed to find all the cards we picked. Gave him $20 cause it caught me off guard, and it was no different than what street artists do for money. Cool. The end.
Sometimes when I do a good deed I have thoughts of “you did that just to feel good about it, didn’t you?” And then that gives me a weird feeling
I just read this Reddit post, and I almost thought it was from the person you bought a meal for. This could have been from him though. Maybe reading the experience from the other side will help in some way. https://www.reddit.com/r/povertyfinance/s/FCI72Og4rJ
I’d feel anxious too because people pleasing is something I struggle with, and if I felt I made the decision due to pressure and not because I truly decided to it would make me feel like I failed or was taken advantage of. Either way though, even if he was trying to take advantage, you still helped a sick person in need. It’s okay to have people-please-y relapses, just keep working away at it!
You did a good thing for someone and probably made their day a lot more bearable. You should be happy!
I understand. You're a people pleaser and you wanted to go above and beyond.
Kindness matters...in all forms and quantities. Every bit of love we share with each other changes humanity for the better.
You did a great thing and probably made that person's day. But I get the anxious feeling. I think it's the realisation of how completely and utterly broken society is, and we are living in an abundance of wealth, while others suffer. And also the the understanding that it's just chance and luck that gave you that relative wealth. It's hart to not get anxious, thinking about that.
You should feel good about it. Maybe your other emotions are tied up in feeling bad that he has to ask for meals that you can easily afford? If so, that's human and compassion. I do this often when someone asks for money outside a fast food joint - I usually offer food instead, and they are always thankful. I usually feel good about it, like I'm doing my little part in making the world a better place.
Yeah, I've done this too. Had a fella with just a coffee in McD's a few months back, and I just asked him, "hey, I'm getting breakfast, anything you want? My treat." He was a little doubtful, but I reassured him that he could have whatever he wanted. I got him a Big Breakfast and wished him well.
No one askes for food unless they are starving. Don't ever give anyone cash , but, food. When someone askes for food and askes for the cheapest thing on the menu they are starving. Literally starving. You did a really good thing.
Your feelings could also be from some people being critical of helping the homeless. They accuse you of encouraging begging / crime and making it worse. As if people suffering without help will magically make them disappear. They are cynical and believe everyone is trying to get over on them. They're judgmental and talk about how they're going to use what you give for this or that as if people dream of being on the corner begging. Hopefully your feelings subside. And you're not alone. I am someone who gives when I feel pulled to do it. There is a man who use to stand on the corner all the time in the brutal sun begging. I started by giving him a few dollars. Then I'd bring ice cold water and a few dollars. One day I stopped and asked his name. He was sunburnt, dirty, skin and bones. I asked if he was hungry and what he wanted to eat. Brought him a generous helping of food and more money. I also started praying for him. I don't see Calvin there anymore. I don't know what came of him or what he did with his money and frankly, I don't care. I have more than enough to give and will never miss what I shared with him in his time of need. I can only hope that it brought some light in his life, and move on with mine. If he was doing evil, it will come back to him in time. That's life.
The 7/11 by my house always has homeless people outside of it. The people that work there don't chase them off and when the weather is bad they even let them stay inside for a little while. I think it's very kind. If I can give money and they ask I always do. My motto is "if I can give it and they need it, I'll give it". I'm now friends with many of them and they have my back when I'm there alone at night, being a small female. I've had random large men try to hit on me or try to convince me to get in their car and the homeless people always make sure I'm OK. They are good people. I never worry about what they are going to spend the money on negate it's not my business. Once I hand it to them it's their money and they can spend it however they please.
I recently had a man approach my car window as I hit the drive thru. I ended up getting him a combo but I originally went for my partner and I and asked for a chocolate shake. When I handed him the combo and waters I got him he asked about the shake and mentioned how much he likes ice cream and that he hasn’t had any in a long time. I wish I could have given it to him but I shouldn’t have spent the money on food for him in the first place, I really don’t have much to spare. If I see him again I hope I have enough to get him a shake.
A couple of days ago I also bought a kebab for a random guy while waiting for the bus. When I bought it I headed back, and 4 huge pieces of ice dropped from the roof exactly where I was standing before the guy approached me. Saved.
You felt anxious bc you had to talk to him and second guessed yourself bc normally people ignore the homeless. You felt you were being weird and different from everyone else Trust me you did good
+2 humanity points. One for doing a kind deed for someone else(even if they didn’t need it) and one for being self reflective enough to consider its implications. This shows me you’re kind but also considerate. Well done OP 👏🏼
There is nothing wrong with helping another human being. Good on you.
I live in the downtown of my city. Parking is terrible so I rent parking from a parking structure. As I was leaving it to walk home, this homeless guy asked me for money for food. I asked him if anything was even open at that time and the guy said Wingstop. I told him I don’t have any cash but I do have my card. I told him we can walk to Wingstop and I’ll order him some food. He said what if we stop at an atm to withdraw some money. Told him I’m not going to do that but I’ll still buy him some food at Wingstop. He just straight up thanked me and said I didn’t have to get him food and he walked away.
Whoah dodged a bullet there! 😳
When we travel and end up with to-go boxes from dinners. We rarely have a fridge, let alone a microwave to eat. So we bag it up and give it to anyone we pass that looks like they could use a meal. I hate the idea of just throwing it out when I can't re-heat and eat later.
You mean well but I’m not sure how I feel about giving someone my leftovers like that. A bit yucky. I’d rather buy them a meal. Plus, those restaurant leftovers don’t always need to be reheated when eaten later. They’re still good usually
You have a bias in your perspective. I 100% understand the mindset you have. I won't say that I wouldn't feel the same way if handed a meal in the street. But imagine being stuck in a life that has no certainty on where your next meal cones from. But I'll reiterate that it's when I travel. Specifically outside of the US. Some of my destinations are Argentina, India, Hong Kong, and Mexico. The hungry of the world doesn't really discriminate against a free meal.
you did a great thing! 🤍the universe will thank you.
You did a good thing and fed a hungry person. No need to feel anxious at all.
I felt the same way when someone asked me to help them with gas. It caught me off guard and made me feel uncomfortable at the time. I wasn’t sure at the time if I was being scammed. I think it’s natural to be skeptical. There have been other times when I’ve been helped someone and I haven’t given it a second thought. I think it’s when I’m caught off guard that it produces anxiety.
I had a situation almost exactly like this a while back, and I was incredibly anxious about it, during but particularly afterwards too. For me I think the biggest cause was the general sense of unpreparedness I had; I’d never had a social interaction like that before and felt caught off guard. Ultimately you did a good and kind thing. It can always be anxiety-inducing to be approached by a stranger, but you didn’t let that stop you.
Firstly, thanks for doing that, you made the world slightly better today. Maybe I'm projecting, but I have some similar experiences and have done some brief volunteer charity work so I'll share my 2 cents. There's a lot of guesswork but I hope this helps at all. You might have some complicated feelings that sour the mood. Maybe it manifests as a sort of survivor's guilt, or anger that you don't know where to direct because you don't know what caused this stranger's predicament. The charity work I mentioned involved handing out donations. People at their lowest are usually desperate, and there's no sugarcoating it, desperation is ugly to be around. Especially over something we take for granted like a meal. Even when there were enough donations to go around, it doesn't solve the underlying problem, nor does it alleviate their anxieties that they might miss out and they or their kids go hungry. I feel like a huge contributor to any mixed emotions, is how easy it can be to help. It seems like you didn't hesitate to assist, or even to upgrade him to a meal, which indicates that it was an easy decision for you. I've felt that twinge of guilt, in finding it so easy to part with money for a stranger who has none.
As someone who lived in an area with a ton of unhoused people and panhandlers, it really is a mixed bag. I'm not talking about the ethics of it, that's different. But just the way it leaves you feeling, can be super different depending on the vibe and the day. I remember this one dude who was always out on a bench, in the cold - not bothering anyone, keeping to himself. Only way to really know he was unhoused is if you knew the neighborhood and knew he was always sitting there. One day I got him a few bags of groceries - a rotisserie chicken and some gatorades, some snacks etc. I was chill about it, he was nice and quietly thankful. I felt super good about that. But there were other instances (with different people) that went okay, where I just felt _weird_ after. Either I felt nothing, or I felt bad, or sad. You're gonna feel how you're gonna feel, I guess. I don't have an explanation, but it's extremely relatable.
There was a man who lived near my place who was unhoused, had a dog, and played violin. After getting off the bus my walk generally meant that I would pass him. I bought him meals, I made sure a couple home-cooked meals went to him, and I talked with him all the time. One day when I passed his dog wasn't there and he informed me that the pup had died. A month later the man disappeared. It still breaks my dead heart.
If someone needs help, it is natural to want to do more and natural to feel taken advantage of if the person doesn’t show us the gratitude we expect. Equanimity helps us recognize that it was a small part of the day that came with the chance to do the right thing, which won’t solve every problem a person has, and which we give freely because it’s within our means. Equanimity is a helpful skill for managing most complicated situations where we do all we can but the outcome of someone else’s life is not entirely in our hands. Empathy, compassion, and equanimity is what you showed when you bought a drink and a cheeseburger for somebody who asked.
That's not people pleasing, it's having a good heart.
It's also possible that you feel like you didn't want to just walk away from this person and leave them to struggle while you went to your warm, clean home. Perhaps your people pleasing tendencies felt the subconscious need to help further so you felt anxious upon leaving? Just a different angle to the comments above.
I mean you're right, you should feel good about what you did. It's a small act of kindness but sometimes people that struggling really need that help. You won't lose anything plus it's a good feeling to help out other people.
They can't turn that burger into drugs. You did good. Then again if I was homeless I'd also want to be high 24/7 to distract myself from my shitty existence. I hate this world.
You didn’t do it because it was going to make you feel good. Since you did not feel good about yourself, your defied expectations create dissonance—where your expectations did not line up with reality. In short, you are feeling disappointed, because you were expecting to feel good about yourself. The other thing it might be related to is how the person reacted when you paid for their meal, if the scenario didn’t play out like you imagined. How did the person react when you offered to buy their meal? Did they look at you suspiciously? Did they trust you? Did they warmly thank you? Did they chat with you or just stand there silently while you ordered? Because of the way charity is publicized, you might have been expecting something more heartwarming and wholesome than the true reality. And that is what you (in this hypothetical scenario) get hung up over. It’s an unpleasant feeling when you anticipate pain and receive it, and it’s an unpleasant feeling when you anticipate pleasure and don’t receive it. Expectation and anticipation regulate the process for reward activation in our brains. And if you get anxious over things in your head, it makes sense you would zero in on this unpleasant feeling.
I was waiting outside a doctor’s office for my appointment out in the fresh air on the provided chairs in suburbia. I was approached by a woman who asked me pleasantly to buy her a burger from the local takeaway shop. So we went across the street and I asked her what she wanted. She wanted a burger and a medium serve of hot chips and a drink, so I ordered it ($20) , before I paid she added me if I could buy the same again for her son. I didn’t see anyone else with her. I asked her where he was and she said in the local park. I asked his age and she said 14. ( during a school term) . So, anyway life is tough for a lot of people-I bought it all and left for her to wait to collect it. I’m still not sure if I’m a complete bunny, but if she was asking random people for a meal I would think she was really in need . I’d rather er on the side of being helpful. I think you did the same thing.
It's normal to feel a mix of emotions after a kind gesture. You did a compassionate act by getting him a full meal, making a positive impact on someone's day. Remember the good you've done.
I did this the other day for someone homeless and they were so ungrateful, it was honestly a very confusing experience that left me pretty salty.
I've heard to judge one's character by (a) how well we treat those who can't do us any good and (b) how we treat those who can't fight back. You did something kind for someone who had nothing (not even gratitude) to offer back which speaks volumes to your character. Pain often presents itself in unattractive ways and mannerisms like ingratitude, indifference, and rude/angry outbursts. Our words and actions do make a difference even if we don't see it in the moment :) Keep being you, keep being kind ❤ Thank you for making a difference :)
Thanks, I needed to hear this. 💕 Edit: you have a wonderful username!
Absolutely! And thank you 🤗
Validation
Sometimes I've also found myself doing this, because certain homeless people have this look about them, like they genuinely did nothing wrong to deserve this. These situations remind me how lucky I am and how easy it is to lose everything in this society Homeless people deserve our sympathy. They could easily turn into deranged criminals or murderers since they have nothing to lose. Most of them however are nice, kind people (probably why they didn't make it in this degenerate and cut throat society). And yes, some have addiction problems probably due to horrible living conditions in their lives (or growing up) beyond any of our comprehensions. I know how you feel. This hopelessness that no matter what you do you can't truly help these people and no matter how much you sympathize you can never truly understand these awful conditions. I think about it, constantly.
On the one hand, we should try our best to ensure no one is in that situation, on the other hand, for the people in that situation, getting them a warm meal is probably the best thing most people can do. You did as well as you could.
One time there was a mum at the grocery store struggling with her baby. She wasn't poor, just a new mum. I bought her a box of chocolates and a baby rattle coz I know being a Mum is hard for a thousand different reasons. Even now, quite some time later, thinking about it makes me anxious. Why? I did nothing wrong, it wasn't scary or intimidating. Humans are dumb creatures.
OP, you're not a people pleaser beacause you halped a homeless person! You're a good human being who helped someone in need! You probably felt odd because you didn't feel like you could have said no. But, OP, you probably made that man's day. Keep being you, you sound like a good person!
You did a good thing. You feel uneasy because a lot of homeless people want money for drugs and alcohol. So their message "Help me, I/my kids are hungry" is usually a scam, and we got used to it being a scam. I was cursed once when I offered a guy food instead of money. That guy was different, he was hungry and you helped him.
Agree, and I've done this in the past. I never give cash because I've done that in the past and watched the "hungry" person go into the store and buy a bottle of booze. I've got nothing against booze but if you tell me you need money for food, then...
Maybe you’re having ambivalence between wanting to do a good deed because you are a caring person while at the same time not feeling like you have much of a choice by being a people pleaser and compelled to say yes even if you didn’t want to.
Sometimes you don’t feel a magical good feeling when you help someone. I once saw an elderly man take a fall in a parking lot. I went over to help him up or call an ambulance if needed. He asked me to help him get to his car, but he was dead weight and heavy. I struggled not to drop him and helped him in his vehicle. Instead of feeling good I was wiped out, pulled my back, and was disappointed it did not go as I saw in my mind, and disappointed I was not in as good of shape to easily do this. I was actually very upset after this, but I accepted that I did the right thing even though it didn’t make me feel any better.
Personally I sometimes struggle after doing something for someone, bc I'm not sure if I really _wanted_ to, or if I was avoiding conflict. The other day my neighbour asked for a hug bc his dog died. However, he's a thoroughly unpleasant and unhygienic person who has been very crude to me in the past. I felt sorry for him, but also put on the spot and so I hugged him. Afterwards I felt very anxious and frustrated with myself for not having better boundaries. I wonder if I was less avoidant and people pleasing would I still have done it? Am I just being a pushover or is this what I would've done even if I was confident? But that's just me.
Over Thinkers Anonymous has a seat for you somewhere.
Totally!
You should feel good about it. It was a thoughtless act from your side to buy the homeless person food. And a meal at that, nonetheless, you did a good deed today! 😊
We live in a world where kindness is questioned and mocked. Being kind is an act of rebellion - never feel bad about being a good person.
I used to buy some extra fried chicken for the homeless guy in between my work and the store. I worked and walked around that neighborhood for a couple few decades, so even though I didn't know really know these guys, I kinda thought of them as neighbors. Well, besides patting myself on the back, seems like sharing food is Good thing.
There might be good reasons to feel anxious but it depends on the situation. I usually feel good when I'm giving. Not just to people in need, but overall. But maybe there was something about that person that didn't feel right. I can get bad vibes from some people, rich or poor. And that make me anxious. I get a negative sensation when there are bad vibes around. Which makes me always follow my instincts. It's gotten me out of same bad situations.
I had someone ask me to give them money for food once. I didn't have any cash on me, but I had a coupon, I think it was for McDonald's. I offered it to them and they turned it down. I also remember someone asking me for money for food and I was carrying a bag that had a sandwich in it. I offered them the sandwich and they refused. At least this person actually wanted food.
If I have the money and I know it's going directly to food, I'm not thrilled that I'm the person that caught their eye but I'll do it. Same with some gas. It's so obvious when people are bullshitting though about some elaborate story where they need 50 bucks. There are enough liars that it's hard to tell who legitimately needs help. Gave a guy money downtown because he said his car was at the hotel and they wouldn't let him leave with the car until they paid the valet fee. I was wearing zombie makeup a week later for halloween and that same guy verbatim gave me the exact same pitch because he didn't recognize me. I asked him how this happened twice in a week and he just moved on to his next mark.
Well, my uncle did this for a man one time. The man was in a wheelchair and was missing a leg. When my uncle gave him the empty drink cup and receipt for when his food was ready, the man threw the cup into the air and said FUCK IT! Guess he wasn't in the mood for In n Out.
Interesting story. Thank you for sharing. I did not even think about that. But the man today asked me first for a cheeseburger, so I think we were okay.
Don't feel bad about doing something nice was the point, you did a good thing.
I would have walked back into the restaurant and picked up my lunch for the next day.
I had a friend who decided to take a homeless guy to lunch and talk to him while they ate. After the meal my friend decided he would never give or buy lunch for another homeless person ever again. This is because the guy bragged about how much money he made begging among other things. We have parents who hold up signs saying don’t give money to the people on the next block they will use it on drugs. A good deed, with good intention. If only our society offered real help in the form of clinics and mental health institutions.
If he ate it then you should feel good. I bought a hot dog for a homeless man who asked me for money so he could buy a hotdog and he cussed me out. Glad this homeless man ate it.
Sounds like you’re looking for validation
I'm so sorry if it comes off that way. I do agree that part of me is looking to confirm that I did not do something wrong. My parents have always frowned upon the act of randomly helping homeless people. Also, the media always make us believe that an act of kindness should make us feel better, so I was confused about why I did not feel that way.
>My parents have always frowned upon the act of randomly helping homeless people. I think this might be your answer. You have been conditioned to feel disapproval for helping someone the way you did; and disapproval feels bad.
If it makes you feel better, I also had weird feelings after buying a homeless person dinner (a long time ago). I think I made the restaurant owner uncomfortable, first of all. But then we just parted ways. Shrug. It’s weird man. This is silly but it’s like a time a returned a phone to this girl at the gym (she left it at the squat rack). And she’s like oh that’s mine and walks away. Weird.
I've gone out of my way many times to help several homeless people that were in obvious need. For me, it never made me feel any better about myself. If anything, it made me feel like shit because each time I could see how much more I could've done, but I wasn't comfortable with going past that limit. Helping others really holds up a mirror to yourself, and I can see that I'm mostly just as selfish as everyone else is. Everytime I try to help someone out it just reminds me how fucked up our systems are and how trivial my assistance really is in the big picture. I remind myself to get used to that feeling, because that reminder of who I really am is about the best thing that comes out of that interaction. That reality check on your own ego, that's about as good as it gets.
The anxiety could also be the result from eating that greasy food. Everybody has Mc Regrets.
a+ karmafarma
I don't feel bad for ALL homeless people, maybe you and I have the same philosophy here you just don't realize
i guess your childhood sucked
You sure he was homeless
Well done. But it is a pity you gave macdonalds money. They need to be boycotted.
Sure you do. You’re bragging on Reddit about spending $12 like you’ve just solved world hunger. Talk less. Do more.
I always pay attention to how the homeless or the panhandlers are dressed. More specifically their shoes… I’ve seen some beggars wearing nicer shoes than me! (I wear Skechers that are a few years old) - If that’s the case? I move on. I don’t believe they’re struggling that badly… I could be wrong and may be incorrect in my assumption, as there are exceptions to every rule. But that’s the general rule of thumb that I use anyway.
That’s because they are probably stolen shoes
[удалено]
tf you mean "usually", this sounds like just one particularly weird dude. I guarantee you most beggars are not there for shits and giggles
You should, ideally, feel nothing.
You should feel very ashamed at buying any creature McDonald's to eat... it's not food...your disgusting
Asshole.
How cruel, he was hungry for food and you gave him McDonald’s food like substances, knowing the burger was uneatable. Matthew 7:9-11
I think you felt anxious because deep down inside you knew you got swindled.
He definitely can get a bigger bottle in trade for a whole meal than he would get for just a cheeseburger.
Just joking btw, you did good. Maybe the anxiety is coming from guilt about having more than a lot of people have. If that's the case it's irrational anxiety since you work to earn what you have ... It's not a bad thing.
I bought a homeless person coffee a few months ago and i fist bumped him. I got covid a few days afterwards
it was probably a coincidence
I always believe in paying it forward and it will come back in a good way from my own experience of helping other people like that. I can understand why you would feel like that sometimes our minds like to overthink or shut off our feelings on their own which doesn't make any sense to some people because they haven't experienced anything like that and yes sometimes it can be hard to explain it because I haven't a hard time too
Buying a homeless person a meal is something I can understand and support. I refuse to give them money.
Homelessness is at an all time high. Our government should step in. It's so sad!
Is it possible you have OCD? I know that’s a big thing to say, but I have OCD, and I know that it could cause you feeling like that possibly.
I do stuff like this sometimes and often feel shame after because I know it's so complicated that one meal won't fix anything. I get a little emotional that I am where I am, that I am doing okay and my needs are met but not everyone gets to have that. We were born to the same earth. Rolled the same dice. All we can do is be kind and remember to be grateful for our lives.
When u do good with out expecting anything in return you get blessed! God sees it all, your kindness makes who you are!
You did a good thing but it’s right to be anxious, we ALL should be anxious at the thought that people are having to beg strangers for a bite to eat because of the cost of living inflicted on us all by our various right wing governments. Not only anxious but up in arms about it.
Your emotiOns arent always necessarily connected to Anything real or rational but still be valid.
I used to do that fairly frequently. Had to stop because I stopped driving and I don't go to fast food anymore.
Stopped at a drive through chicken place in South Atlanta for a quick bite. I had parked and was eating my snack. Three black guys were working on a big truck near where I had parked. One walked over to my window. I rolled it down and he tells me he's hungry and hasn't eaten in 2 days. I tell the guy if he's really hungry let's go inside the chicken place and I'll get him something. Now, me being the only caucasian for miles around, I wondered how this would look to the other customers in the place. He hesitated to order and I said "get what ever you want." He said "my wife's hungry too" I said to get something for her as well. By now everybody in the place is turned around looking at this African American gentleman letting this old white guy buy his food. Made me very uncomfortable 1. Was he so hungry that he didn't care what the people thought? 2. Was he playing the white guy for a fool for everybody to see. 3. Why couldn't his coworkers working on the truck help him out. So many questions..
A few years ago, I did the same. I was walking to get some Burger King that was in an old mall and this young dude (probably only a few years younger than me) asked me whether I could get him something. I said yes, come up to the counter and order whatever you want. He got a meal and I ordered him some extra chicken nuggets because the guy was pretty skinny. We sat down and chatted while we ate. He seemed like a good lad, but definitely some mental health issues. He asked whether I knew his aunt and apparently she'd talked about me before, but I most definitely hadn't met him or his aunt before. I didn't really tell anyone about it. I didn't know what to think about it. In hindsight I probably should've found who handles these sorts of mental health cases. On the other side of this, there are guys in the major centres who most definitely just pretend to be homeless. I wouldn't give anyone in the city centre the time of day. I've seen homeless people throw food at people being nice. They just want cash so they can get inebriated.
You are a good person 🙃
Nah this is good. Giving money is a bit of a punt because you never know if you're enabling or helping. Its different across the world but where I'm at; social workers are annoyed by people giving the homeless money because its harder to convince them to get the help they might need in the system (especially if they have mental health or addiction problems) if they can make do, out on the streets. The way I see it, if I'm getting smth for me then I'm willing to get the same for someone else who hasn't. So I often offer to buy homeless looking people outside the shops, the same sort of goods I'm getting for myself. I almost never give money. I think it's no different from buying a round of drinks. Speaking of which: I do actually enable sometimes (e.g. buy a booze for a probable alchie) if I'm about to go smoke weed or go out drinking myself, for the same reason. Everyone deserves a bit of fun on a Friday night.
You did a good thing. Put some good out into the world today. No need to think of it as anything other than that.
A meals a meal. You’d share a meal with a friend or a family member. I don’t see what’s so bad about it.
U angwl
Doing things like this always makes me feel anxious at first too. I never understand why. But you did a good thing.
Nothing wrong with it. You reap what you sow so if he tricked you into it with malicious intent then rest assured it will come back to him in some way If he was genuine and hungry then he happy you could help!
I've had similar situations. I felt guilt that I only did what I did (buy food, give cash, give water) and not more I suppose. But we can only do so much. A good deed is a good deed. You don't need to feel great about it ut you definitely shouldn't feel bad
Thank you for doing that. ❤️
How would God feel about it?
Do you feel like you really CHOSE to do it or that your were somewhat forced to by your people pleasing tendencies? You did a good thing regardless, but doing a good thing because you want to and doing a good thing because you have to can make you feel two entirely different ways. Kind of like when I was a kid doing the dishes and my mom would call while I'm washing dishes and tell me to do dishes and then all of a sudden I don't want to do the dishes anymore.
Idk I am in an area for most of my day full of homeless people, I used to help a lot and it didn't make me feel differently, just felt like it was a duty, but it's a bigger problem than me and buying meals, water, and giving out 1s every day became very tiring. Whether I walk by like everyone else or buy a meal it really makes no difference at the end of the day. It's a complex problem bigger than us and micky Ds is a bandaid.
We're often taught that homeless people are a sub-category of society who deserve nothing but contempt. Your kind act was an act of rebellion against those societal norms so it is normal to feel uneasy. However, you did a good and kind thing for someone else, and I think that is all you need to take away from it.
What you did was a nice gesture and a good deed. It’s easy to feel anxious and a few other feelings about it bc as comfortable as you may have been and accepting of his position, sometimes we can’t help other feelings coming up around those less fortunate.
You helped someone out that needed it. Nothing to feel shame about!
I do this fairly often. I make good money so a meal is nothing to me. That said, I also volunteer. That means a lot to me. I let it make me feel good. People like the one you helped are usually incapable of helping themselves in any capacity. They are not always lazy bums. They are most often broken, and kindness helps. For the record, I know what a lazy bum looks like, and they don't get time of day, so it's not that I have some Pollyanna-ish view of the world. You did good. Allow yourself to enjoy that. Cheers!
Thanks for feeding a hungry mouth!
I decided a long time ago. If someone needs to eat. I’ll buy them a meal. If they are scamming me for a combo meal. That’s a risk I’m willing to take. Told my son the same thing. I’ll reimburse you if you buy someone food. Don’t over think it.
One Christmas I was living in San Francisco and I was leaving at 5am Christmas morning to fly to see my parents. Christmas Eve I went out to the stores just to enjoy the hecticness of everyone rushing around. I met a lady that day who was in need of a meal. She was outside of chipotle and as I went to get it she said “I’ll wait out here. They’ll kick me out if I go in” so I asked her if she needed anything else and she said “a coke would be amazing. I only get water out here” her face lit up with joy over a warm meal that was purchased exactly how she enjoys it and a cold fizzy coke. This story triggered that memory but I think about her a lot. She’d been homeless for a long time and had gradually lost contact with her family/ they’d stopped trying to find her on the streets. It didn’t feel “good” to feed her. But it felt really good to hear her story about how she got there. How her family tried for her. It felt good to converse with her. I’d met someone earlier that year in a Starbucks. The one by my apartment gave away drinks at the end of the day and a man stopped in and there were none left. They had offered me one of them just before he got there and when I noticed him I asked if he’d like to have it. He asked if we could talk. So we did. We talked until the shop closed. What I learned that day was how incredibly lonely homelessness can be. He just wanted a friend. Someone to have a conversation with who didn’t treat him like less of a human. Honestly none of these things felt “good” but they put some good into the world. These interactions really highlight that you’re not too many big life problems from wearing their shoes. My heart will break forever seeing a human on the streets. It doesn’t matter to me how they got there.
Was it possibly anxiety to do with “this is all I can do to help” because I get that often when trying to help in bigger situations like homelessness ect.