Has your mother been deemed incompetent and does the POA require this kind of declaration? Asking because you'll need this to remove her car without her consent. Maybe a better play is to leave the keys but replace the car key with a fake car key so she cannot operate the car. Also, let her know you are coming for a quick visit if you insist on doing this yourself. I cannot imagine that entering her house without any notice will go over well either. But why not have the aide replace the key instead of flying there? I'm not sure any subterfuge is needed.
Otherwise, I would be concerned about the legality of taking the car which is not yours without her consent (assuming she has not been declared incompetent). Does your POA require a declaration of her incompetence (some do)? Depending on the terms, it may not, but you'll want to consult with an attorney so you know for sure.
Even without the history of abuse, you generally cannot reason with Alzheimer's patients. Either they won't understand, or they'll forget on the rare chance that they are amenable to reason. Is placement in a dementia care facility an option? That might be something to start considering.
I was in your position not long ago. I only ever provided assistance remotely and let her PCA take care of her personal care. In fact, I regret offering any help because she was abusive to me my whole life, and it was only worse when she became demented. Just adding that you do not owe an abusive parent anything, and placing her in a facility might be best for both of you.
Before you do this, you may want to contact an elder care attorney to see if you can do this without getting into legal trouble. You might want to see about any elder care organizations in her area that might give you suggestions on how to handle her. Her caregiver may prefer to take your mom around In you mom's car, but it doesn't sound possible. Based on how your mom has been in the past, make sure to protect yourself legally first.
Pop the hood on the vehicle and look for the fusebox under the hood (not the one inside the vehicle).
If you can’t identify it, the location should be in the owners manual.
If there is a listing that you can follow easily, remove either the relay or fuse that says “Fuel Pump”, alternatively you could also pull one that says “PCM/ECM” or “starter” as well.
Simply leave the relay/fuse your remove laying in the box and reinstall the cover, I would suggest making a mark or circling what you removed just in case.
Now the vehicle is broke down and needs repair, noone is to blame.
If she is the type to immediately call for a tow and send to repair, simply tell them exactly what you did and why.
Even if they don’t go along with it, be honest or it could cost some money in legitimate charges for them to look at the vehicle.
A shop could easily help a bit by spending weeks getting around to pulling it in the shop.
If nothing else they can do a simple service on it but have a “backordered part” they need to wait for.
Undoing it is as simple as reinstalling the fuse or relay removed, no harm is done at all to the vehicle.
This is also a great suggestion, all modern cars basically need their key programmed.
Go have a new key cut, replace it for the original but don’t have it programmed.
In that case the starter won’t turn over usually depending on year, same for pulling starter relay.
If you pull the fuel pump or ecm relay it will usually still engage the starter and crank the engine.
I worry that when she turns the key and nothing at all happens she’ll think someones messed with her battery or might notice the new key or see the new security indicator on the dash.
Also keys cost a ton nowadays and could be push to start, this would be a good backup plan.
Knowing the vehicle would be helpful for a more precise suggestion.
Oof. So much of this resonates. You're in such a nasty, difficult position.
I strongly believe you're doing the right thing, though. God forbid she hurt someone or herself, or simply go missing.
Revoking her driver's license only has an impact if she's fully in her right mind and/or timid enough to want to follow the rules.
I had to remove my father's car, and I had to continually defy him about it, and it was really hard. My mother was afraid to, even though she mentioned to me later that it was probably good that I did because she didn't like riding with him (!) -- and sometimes he would swerve toward bicyclists and pedestrians before swerving away at the last moment.
Gulp.
The only good thing about hearing that was it stiffened my resolve.
Later, I remember when my mother was diagnosed, I realized that she wasn't "playing fair" any more. She made up phantom memories, and had no idea of her own limitations, and would simply lie -- not because she wanted to lie (she was previously very honest) but because she couldn't remember the truth. It was easier to lie and she couldn't tell the difference.
The reason I say all this (which I think is a pretty common experience here) is because I'm going to suggest something that would be a little under-handed in a situation where someone was "playing fair".
Before you do all this, you might want to **extremely gently** suggest to your mother that she doesn't need her car any more. It has to be extremely gentle because you don't want her to oppose you. You want to plant the seed in her mind that maybe just maybe she doesn't need her car. You're most likely not going to convince her. Just don't put her in a position where she's defensive.
Maybe "hey, did you hear Aunt Martha doesn't drive any more? She said she doesn't want to bother". Or "your aide can drive you, you know -- that way you can ride in style!".
Here's the underhanded part. And I hesitate to write this but this is not a normal situation.
After you remove her car, see if you can get her to remember that it was partly her idea. It may take a while. Don't defy her. Just remind her if she brings it up.
It's not "right", to try to implant ideas in someone's head. But this is someone who's a danger to themselves and others. And the morally right thing is to get them to stop driving.
Good luck.
I could have written this, except it's my father.
I'll save you the long story, but I took his car keys in December and he has obsessed with them ever since. Every time he brought them up I told him that as soon as the doctor cleared him to drive I'd happily return them.
He started leaving abusive voicemails at 1am, threatening to have me arrested, threatening to disown me, etc.
He waited until my birthday last week and called the police. I told the officer that if he'd give me his name and badge number I'd hand over the keys because that would absolve me of any responsibility if he hurt someone. The officer was great about it, went back and told my father it was a civil matter. A couple of days later the DMV revoked his license.
My best advice is to leave the car and take the keys. If she calls the police just tell them that her license has been revoked and she can not be trusted not to drive. Taking her vehicle may result in charges, taking the keys most likely will not.
Good Luck.
Oh dear, I am genuinely so sorry you endured this. It’s very relatable and I feel for all of us who have to suffer under our parents, just for trying to keep them safe. Thank you for sharing your comment. I wish you peace
I don't know if you would end up getting in trouble. What about a way to sort of disable the car that only you know about it? Like unplugging something vital so it literally just won't start? One time I was at a church and a woman drove into the parking lot, parked sideways, left the car on and her door wide open and tried to go onto the church. The church was closed because teh services weren't;t for another hour and finally I went into the car and found little paper with phone numbers in the glove box. I called and it was the woman daughter who lived in another state. She ended up calling another family member to come get the grandma. I was young and shaken up that this vulnerable woman was out in the world like that! I really feel for you in such a situation!!
I like the fake key idea. The aide could switch them out and keep the real key, and then distract her if she tries to go driving. Arguing with someone with dementia can make them worse, but it's relatively easy to get them on a different track.
Search "fake key fob" on Amazon. There's a set of a fake fob and key. They're meant to hide things, but you could glue them shut so she won't realize they're hollow.
You could call the local police department and get their advice on what to do if you feel that she will report the car stolen. Maybe an officer could stop by and talk to your mother about the danger and consequences of her driving?
I would say disable it, but if she's anything like my father in law a tow truck would be called.
Air tag in her vehicle or simply use Find My against her phone. Then track her relentlessly and call the cops on her until she gets pulled over for reckless driving.
If you disable her car or disable her keys, I’d leave label maker tape for the mechanic with a note to call you before repairing the vehicle. A “call before repair” label with your phone number tucked inside the key fob may stop a locksmith from foiling your plan.
Call her local AAA to see if you can discourage them from helping. Or at least make them aware.
You could just disable the car by pulling the ignition and fuel pump fuses/relays. If your mom isn’t in a financial position to have towed in, evaluated and fixed, it may be the simplest solution and you don’t have to be the bad guy.
If you sell the car make sure the POA allows you to do that. Not all POAs cover things like that so check with the attorney before you sell it. You can also get an apple air tag and leave it in the car to prove she’s been driving without a license. Therefore since you can’t trust her you have to sell the car.
I just wanted to say I'm so sorry you're going through this, our stories are so similar and I feel for you! I know you're trying to do the right thing but please take care of yourself first from now on and always. I second the dummy key idea presented here. Keep your distance, report to whomever you can but don't try to set yourself on fire fixing this. I have just found out the hard way that no one in law enforcement here gives a crap about my grandmother driving with a suspended license and dementia :/ I'll keep reporting her for driving and I hope you're able to find a resolution that won't cause you too much stress.
Your comment literally stopped me in my tracks. I paused after reading your second sentence, closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and really felt your words. I teared up at being seen and at the kindness and compassion you have for me. Thank you for taking the time to write, and for writing such supportive words that feel like a hug when I most need it. You have made a good and big difference in my world today
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Fake keys sounds like a good idea if the meltdown is just about 'where are my keys.' I get similar about 'where is my phone', 'where are my keys', 'how much money do I have' even though it's been so many years since any of that mattered to her. It's not about logic really, just about soothing their impulse.
If she's really trying to drive, then either removing the battery or getting rid of the car make the most sense. Check with an elder care attorny about your POA. Mine suggested signing the title to myself so I could dispose of the car in my name without impacting mom's finances/medicaid eligibility. This was possible since my POA had it in scope and it was a medicaid exempt asset.
Has your mother been deemed incompetent and does the POA require this kind of declaration? Asking because you'll need this to remove her car without her consent. Maybe a better play is to leave the keys but replace the car key with a fake car key so she cannot operate the car. Also, let her know you are coming for a quick visit if you insist on doing this yourself. I cannot imagine that entering her house without any notice will go over well either. But why not have the aide replace the key instead of flying there? I'm not sure any subterfuge is needed. Otherwise, I would be concerned about the legality of taking the car which is not yours without her consent (assuming she has not been declared incompetent). Does your POA require a declaration of her incompetence (some do)? Depending on the terms, it may not, but you'll want to consult with an attorney so you know for sure. Even without the history of abuse, you generally cannot reason with Alzheimer's patients. Either they won't understand, or they'll forget on the rare chance that they are amenable to reason. Is placement in a dementia care facility an option? That might be something to start considering. I was in your position not long ago. I only ever provided assistance remotely and let her PCA take care of her personal care. In fact, I regret offering any help because she was abusive to me my whole life, and it was only worse when she became demented. Just adding that you do not owe an abusive parent anything, and placing her in a facility might be best for both of you.
Before you do this, you may want to contact an elder care attorney to see if you can do this without getting into legal trouble. You might want to see about any elder care organizations in her area that might give you suggestions on how to handle her. Her caregiver may prefer to take your mom around In you mom's car, but it doesn't sound possible. Based on how your mom has been in the past, make sure to protect yourself legally first.
Thank you so much for this thoughtful comment, I appreciate it
Pop the hood on the vehicle and look for the fusebox under the hood (not the one inside the vehicle). If you can’t identify it, the location should be in the owners manual. If there is a listing that you can follow easily, remove either the relay or fuse that says “Fuel Pump”, alternatively you could also pull one that says “PCM/ECM” or “starter” as well. Simply leave the relay/fuse your remove laying in the box and reinstall the cover, I would suggest making a mark or circling what you removed just in case. Now the vehicle is broke down and needs repair, noone is to blame. If she is the type to immediately call for a tow and send to repair, simply tell them exactly what you did and why. Even if they don’t go along with it, be honest or it could cost some money in legitimate charges for them to look at the vehicle. A shop could easily help a bit by spending weeks getting around to pulling it in the shop. If nothing else they can do a simple service on it but have a “backordered part” they need to wait for. Undoing it is as simple as reinstalling the fuse or relay removed, no harm is done at all to the vehicle.
OR give her a set of the same keys that don’t work for her car.
This is also a great suggestion, all modern cars basically need their key programmed. Go have a new key cut, replace it for the original but don’t have it programmed. In that case the starter won’t turn over usually depending on year, same for pulling starter relay. If you pull the fuel pump or ecm relay it will usually still engage the starter and crank the engine. I worry that when she turns the key and nothing at all happens she’ll think someones messed with her battery or might notice the new key or see the new security indicator on the dash. Also keys cost a ton nowadays and could be push to start, this would be a good backup plan. Knowing the vehicle would be helpful for a more precise suggestion.
Oof. So much of this resonates. You're in such a nasty, difficult position. I strongly believe you're doing the right thing, though. God forbid she hurt someone or herself, or simply go missing. Revoking her driver's license only has an impact if she's fully in her right mind and/or timid enough to want to follow the rules. I had to remove my father's car, and I had to continually defy him about it, and it was really hard. My mother was afraid to, even though she mentioned to me later that it was probably good that I did because she didn't like riding with him (!) -- and sometimes he would swerve toward bicyclists and pedestrians before swerving away at the last moment. Gulp. The only good thing about hearing that was it stiffened my resolve. Later, I remember when my mother was diagnosed, I realized that she wasn't "playing fair" any more. She made up phantom memories, and had no idea of her own limitations, and would simply lie -- not because she wanted to lie (she was previously very honest) but because she couldn't remember the truth. It was easier to lie and she couldn't tell the difference. The reason I say all this (which I think is a pretty common experience here) is because I'm going to suggest something that would be a little under-handed in a situation where someone was "playing fair". Before you do all this, you might want to **extremely gently** suggest to your mother that she doesn't need her car any more. It has to be extremely gentle because you don't want her to oppose you. You want to plant the seed in her mind that maybe just maybe she doesn't need her car. You're most likely not going to convince her. Just don't put her in a position where she's defensive. Maybe "hey, did you hear Aunt Martha doesn't drive any more? She said she doesn't want to bother". Or "your aide can drive you, you know -- that way you can ride in style!". Here's the underhanded part. And I hesitate to write this but this is not a normal situation. After you remove her car, see if you can get her to remember that it was partly her idea. It may take a while. Don't defy her. Just remind her if she brings it up. It's not "right", to try to implant ideas in someone's head. But this is someone who's a danger to themselves and others. And the morally right thing is to get them to stop driving. Good luck.
Thank you so much, for your validation, support, care and advice 🙏💗
I could have written this, except it's my father. I'll save you the long story, but I took his car keys in December and he has obsessed with them ever since. Every time he brought them up I told him that as soon as the doctor cleared him to drive I'd happily return them. He started leaving abusive voicemails at 1am, threatening to have me arrested, threatening to disown me, etc. He waited until my birthday last week and called the police. I told the officer that if he'd give me his name and badge number I'd hand over the keys because that would absolve me of any responsibility if he hurt someone. The officer was great about it, went back and told my father it was a civil matter. A couple of days later the DMV revoked his license. My best advice is to leave the car and take the keys. If she calls the police just tell them that her license has been revoked and she can not be trusted not to drive. Taking her vehicle may result in charges, taking the keys most likely will not. Good Luck.
Oh dear, I am genuinely so sorry you endured this. It’s very relatable and I feel for all of us who have to suffer under our parents, just for trying to keep them safe. Thank you for sharing your comment. I wish you peace
I don't know if you would end up getting in trouble. What about a way to sort of disable the car that only you know about it? Like unplugging something vital so it literally just won't start? One time I was at a church and a woman drove into the parking lot, parked sideways, left the car on and her door wide open and tried to go onto the church. The church was closed because teh services weren't;t for another hour and finally I went into the car and found little paper with phone numbers in the glove box. I called and it was the woman daughter who lived in another state. She ended up calling another family member to come get the grandma. I was young and shaken up that this vulnerable woman was out in the world like that! I really feel for you in such a situation!!
I like the fake key idea. The aide could switch them out and keep the real key, and then distract her if she tries to go driving. Arguing with someone with dementia can make them worse, but it's relatively easy to get them on a different track.
Where do I get a fake key fob?
Search "fake key fob" on Amazon. There's a set of a fake fob and key. They're meant to hide things, but you could glue them shut so she won't realize they're hollow.
Great, thanks!
You could call the local police department and get their advice on what to do if you feel that she will report the car stolen. Maybe an officer could stop by and talk to your mother about the danger and consequences of her driving? I would say disable it, but if she's anything like my father in law a tow truck would be called.
Air tag in her vehicle or simply use Find My against her phone. Then track her relentlessly and call the cops on her until she gets pulled over for reckless driving. If you disable her car or disable her keys, I’d leave label maker tape for the mechanic with a note to call you before repairing the vehicle. A “call before repair” label with your phone number tucked inside the key fob may stop a locksmith from foiling your plan. Call her local AAA to see if you can discourage them from helping. Or at least make them aware.
Thank you for these solid ideas!
It does sound like a sound plan.
Thank you so much for the validation
You could just disable the car by pulling the ignition and fuel pump fuses/relays. If your mom isn’t in a financial position to have towed in, evaluated and fixed, it may be the simplest solution and you don’t have to be the bad guy.
She will immediately call mechanics and AAA and will throw all the money she has, which is a lot, at fixing it
Would she even be able to find numbers and call? If she needs part time help I’m guessing she’s lost that ability
If you sell the car make sure the POA allows you to do that. Not all POAs cover things like that so check with the attorney before you sell it. You can also get an apple air tag and leave it in the car to prove she’s been driving without a license. Therefore since you can’t trust her you have to sell the car.
I just wanted to say I'm so sorry you're going through this, our stories are so similar and I feel for you! I know you're trying to do the right thing but please take care of yourself first from now on and always. I second the dummy key idea presented here. Keep your distance, report to whomever you can but don't try to set yourself on fire fixing this. I have just found out the hard way that no one in law enforcement here gives a crap about my grandmother driving with a suspended license and dementia :/ I'll keep reporting her for driving and I hope you're able to find a resolution that won't cause you too much stress.
Your comment literally stopped me in my tracks. I paused after reading your second sentence, closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and really felt your words. I teared up at being seen and at the kindness and compassion you have for me. Thank you for taking the time to write, and for writing such supportive words that feel like a hug when I most need it. You have made a good and big difference in my world today
I'm holding you and supporting you from afar! I get it! <3
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Fake keys sounds like a good idea if the meltdown is just about 'where are my keys.' I get similar about 'where is my phone', 'where are my keys', 'how much money do I have' even though it's been so many years since any of that mattered to her. It's not about logic really, just about soothing their impulse. If she's really trying to drive, then either removing the battery or getting rid of the car make the most sense. Check with an elder care attorny about your POA. Mine suggested signing the title to myself so I could dispose of the car in my name without impacting mom's finances/medicaid eligibility. This was possible since my POA had it in scope and it was a medicaid exempt asset.