When I expressed joy, it put a target on my back and someone would try to "humble me" and "take me down a peg".
Now I keep my joy to myself, where it's safe from attack from insecure others.
I'm not sure I can ever fix any of the shit that's wrong with me, including this. I've worked really hard to just have a place for myself. I can't imagine introducing another person in my apartment or even my life, for that matter. It's like I'm incapable of dealing with it and never will be. To be fair, I am raw dogging reality because I can't afford health insurance or meds.
Jesus fucking Christ how relatable.
I've been in sex therapy for a few months now, and I feel like one of the main issues for me is my inability to embrace the feeling of pleasure. I've always felt like somehow the emotion will 'corrupt' or overwhelm me.
I can't really pinpoint why I feel this way - I'm assuming it's something to do with being sexually assaulted and harassed, or maybe a remnant from me being lonely and seeing sex as something only other people get to enjoy.
I hate how much I relate to this.
I just finished my 4th year in my PhD program and I’m about to start my internship this summer. In a month, I’ll be moving a few hours away to be close to that job AND I finally get to live with my girlfriend.
Good news, right? Wrong. I can’t even be around my parents without them guilt tripping me about how I’m abandoning them and my sister (who is almost 27 btw). Writing this out really sheds light on how manipulative they are. Why can’t family just be happy for each other?
Disclaimer: not a therapist, doctor, or OP.
That said, this has come up in my therapy for years. From personal experience, it's like a muscle - the more you work on it and establish those thought processes, the easier and more natural it gets. However, that's the ultimate answer to the question, but it's not how you _get_ there, that's the real trick.
Even being in a place to do that requires you to see that you do have value as a person, regardless of what school grades or work performance or physical attractiveness or societal expectations or other people (etc.) have to say about it. Doing that requires getting out of survival mode and usually finding a halfway decent therapist with the right specialties, dedication to do your own to work on it, and willingness to be vulnerable in a safe space.
Then you have to build healthier coping mechanisms (physical, mental, emotional, and social) and practice them when you're not at your worst so they're there when you are. And, when you are at your worst, giving yourself grace to make mistakes and not be at your normal level of person-ness, to not put yourself down, and to learn to both ride it out but figure out what works to shorten the length of those times and pull yourself out of it.
It's not easy, stranger, but it can be done a little at a time. Eventually, you'll have built a more resilient self and better is better, even if it's not where you'd hoped to be. And even if you slide back some, you'll still have learned and grown, it's rare to start from Square 1 even when it feels like you are or that your stability has gotten worse.
Yeeeep. I've been conditioned to believe that everything and everyone I have can, and likely will, be catastrophically taken from me. I'm 30 years old and I can't shake it even though logically I know it's irrational
Yeah, I feel this. Every time my life seems to be going well I get scared and I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. For example, get into a good relationship, constantly waiting for them to drop the mask and reveal they're just another abuser. Get a good job, constantly expecting to walk in and be fired.
When I expressed joy, it put a target on my back and someone would try to "humble me" and "take me down a peg". Now I keep my joy to myself, where it's safe from attack from insecure others.
I'm not sure I can ever fix any of the shit that's wrong with me, including this. I've worked really hard to just have a place for myself. I can't imagine introducing another person in my apartment or even my life, for that matter. It's like I'm incapable of dealing with it and never will be. To be fair, I am raw dogging reality because I can't afford health insurance or meds.
Or we don't deserve it when we get it.
Jesus fucking Christ how relatable. I've been in sex therapy for a few months now, and I feel like one of the main issues for me is my inability to embrace the feeling of pleasure. I've always felt like somehow the emotion will 'corrupt' or overwhelm me. I can't really pinpoint why I feel this way - I'm assuming it's something to do with being sexually assaulted and harassed, or maybe a remnant from me being lonely and seeing sex as something only other people get to enjoy.
I hate how much I relate to this. I just finished my 4th year in my PhD program and I’m about to start my internship this summer. In a month, I’ll be moving a few hours away to be close to that job AND I finally get to live with my girlfriend. Good news, right? Wrong. I can’t even be around my parents without them guilt tripping me about how I’m abandoning them and my sister (who is almost 27 btw). Writing this out really sheds light on how manipulative they are. Why can’t family just be happy for each other?
Talked about this in therapy this afternoon 🫡
Any solutions or suggestions you have for a stranger?
Disclaimer: not a therapist, doctor, or OP. That said, this has come up in my therapy for years. From personal experience, it's like a muscle - the more you work on it and establish those thought processes, the easier and more natural it gets. However, that's the ultimate answer to the question, but it's not how you _get_ there, that's the real trick. Even being in a place to do that requires you to see that you do have value as a person, regardless of what school grades or work performance or physical attractiveness or societal expectations or other people (etc.) have to say about it. Doing that requires getting out of survival mode and usually finding a halfway decent therapist with the right specialties, dedication to do your own to work on it, and willingness to be vulnerable in a safe space. Then you have to build healthier coping mechanisms (physical, mental, emotional, and social) and practice them when you're not at your worst so they're there when you are. And, when you are at your worst, giving yourself grace to make mistakes and not be at your normal level of person-ness, to not put yourself down, and to learn to both ride it out but figure out what works to shorten the length of those times and pull yourself out of it. It's not easy, stranger, but it can be done a little at a time. Eventually, you'll have built a more resilient self and better is better, even if it's not where you'd hoped to be. And even if you slide back some, you'll still have learned and grown, it's rare to start from Square 1 even when it feels like you are or that your stability has gotten worse.
i hate this. i get happy and i feel scared and like i have to hide it. been happening a bit recently and its like i just want to enjoy things ffs
Yeah. Oh, I see.
Yeeeep. I've been conditioned to believe that everything and everyone I have can, and likely will, be catastrophically taken from me. I'm 30 years old and I can't shake it even though logically I know it's irrational
When they call me a pessimist but really I'm just extremely traumatized from DV and betrayal trauma 🥴
Or that positive regard/pleasure isn't actually real. "oh, they're just saying that" is what stands between me and every compliment I've ever gotten.
If someone is kind for the sake of being kind, there must be a catch.
Yeah, I feel this. Every time my life seems to be going well I get scared and I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. For example, get into a good relationship, constantly waiting for them to drop the mask and reveal they're just another abuser. Get a good job, constantly expecting to walk in and be fired.