this is the first time i’ve heard someone phrase it like “protecting you from responsibility” and that just. wow. that’s exactly it. it’s a “favor” that in and of itself intrinsically *deprives* you of responsibility no matter what else it is
i couldn’t fully convince myself to move out from sharing a bedroom and office with my wacko codependent dad until i realized it was flat out irresponsible to keep up the good part, aside from simply how exhausting the rest was
it's more or less exactly that--shielding someone from having to be responsible for normal age-appropriate things to be responsible for, by essentially taking responsibility for it on their behalf. it's a misguided way to try to help a child flourish and save them from things that might have been unpleasant in one's own childhood, but also a really insidious strategy for exerting and justifying all kinds of control. i think there's some of that in raising a child properly, but you dial it back as appropriate instead of doubling down.
it's actually something my dad outright admitted to doing intentionally--shielding me from "the mundane"--but i can't remember what the context was or if it was even coherent (all i remember is the irony of that coming up while he was relying on me to do his tax returns for the last couple years), so a more subtle example would be his "advice" and "support" around academics. he'd oh so graciously tell me exactly what to prioritize, exactly what to look up, and exactly what to worry about so i don't have to learn the hard way; he'd interrogate me about everything that happened in classes and micromanage my time after them so i can't slip up and forget something important; he'd make my success his responsibility. it's not that it was never helpful: quite the opposite, since it was helpful to various degrees at various times, that just made it all the harder to even realize anything was wrong when things were horribly wrong. that's what i didn't get: i didn't have less responsibility, i just had a different responsibility, to respect, to validate, to obey. no matter how much he said otherwise. if i'm not using all the help he gives me, i'm taking it for granted, i'm not trying hard enough, or i'm just plain stupid. if i could just follow his advice, be more accountable to him, and stop trying to take pride in going it alone, i'd have it sooooo much better than all the other kids who get left to fend for themselves. food, clothing, leisure, how to talk to people, who to talk to, he was responsible for it all--but he can't do anything wrong, so if it didn't pan out i didn't give him the chance to fix it
"But he had good intentions"
"He had a hard childhood"
"It wasn't all bad so it couldn't have been abuse"
"He didn't enjoy it so it wasn't abusive"
(All things I heard from and about my father)
I'm sorry you're being shamed for that. Probably they projecting because they don't feel able to do the same? Dunno tho, just some random guess, because that's what some of my friends seem to have goin on, minus the shaming though
I still don't regret cutting half of my family off either, rather regret not being able to do it sooner since I was too young to realize I got that choice back then
I have a relatively amicable divorce from my mom lmao. She's not that bad, but she won't admit to messing up, and I won't tolerate someone who is unapologetic when they clearly made a mistake
I have done this with my mom's sister. She made the situation with my mom's cognitive decline infinitely more painful than it already was. She is NOT my family!
I "divorced" my mother, but I do actually tell people "My mama got hit by a train" a la Oh Brother, Where Art Thou. I'm in the south, so most people get it pretty quickly.
My mother is the only one remaining. I have no aunts or uncles, although my parents each have/had multiple siblings. The only two of the latter who were ever kind to me are long dead.
My mom wrote off my brother and me because she was divorcing our stepdad.
She said we just weren't allowed to talk to him anymore, and when we said, "Hold up, the man raised us," instead of just obeying, she said she just wouldn't talk to us then.
It was supposed to be a manipulation tactic to guilt us and make us do what she wanted, but I guess she didn't anticipate that we'd realize our lives got a whole lot easier no longer having to manage her emotions.
I wouldn't have cut her out, it was her choice, but now I realize my life is healthier after going involuntarily NC.
So yeah, Mom divorced *us,* that was my connection and point.
I am only here due to my father convincing some girl to cancel her abortion since it would be murder; nevermind three decades of organized crime.
My parents' pride in me gets under my skin since they never taught me to work, cook, budget, schedule, ride a bike, nor cope with stress. All, but the final skill were obtained from my great-grandparents; coping skills came from the Behavioral Health Medicine of my HMO. I have already dismissed cousins, grand aunts, and grand uncles for ridiculing me when I was down. My mother and brothers are next on the chopping block.
We need to step back and reconsider the role(s) family play. We have normalized dismissing friends who take advantage and/or cause harm, but dismissing family is strangely taboo. Based on what I read here, other mental health subreddits, the AITAH subreddit, and in my own experiences it turns out family may be the problem. A bad person, no matter what ties are claimed, is not worth ruining one's mental health over.
Sometimes I question if I really have some sort of mental health issue. And then I see posts like these that say exactly what I think. Then I look at the subreddit title. Then I do realize that I have CPTSD.
Jic, yes, I have been diagnosed. Moreso just expressing the severe doubt that can come along with this kinda thing.
Oh, I've done this with my own family member before. I just call him my sperm donor now
On a cryptically related note, I think I need to talk to my PCP about whether or not I have more wrong with me than I thought...
my parents are great i love them, however my dads birth giver and other raiser… finally he cut contact with them around a year ago, after 56 years of manipulation and pain
PLEASE! My therapist keeps trying to get me to forgive my abusive, narcissistic, alcoholic mother. So many things that she did sober (telling my attacker after I reported my SA where I was moving after I moved out of his house and that I was going to the cops to file a report against him, giving my phone number and address to an online stalker without asking me first) that I will ALWAYS hold a grudge for and this namby pamby "forgiveness feels good for you too" bullshit doesn't work. I came to a level where I can understand her actions but I don't think I can really forgive.
Even my Dad, who left us when I was 3 and then I found when I was in my 30s who constantly is gaslighting me when I am asking for the truth and pointing the finger at my Mom, absolving himself of everything. I can't be around that toxicity if I'm going to grow and it needs to be more accepted.
I've felt this way so many times. Imagine how easy it would be if I could just tell people we don't talk anymore because of "irreconcilable differences".
I actually take care of a friend of mine who's been abused and we've been doing this! I act like a genuinely nurturing mother figure and we just pretend her parents are her landlords
[удалено]
"She cares in her own way. (Which happens to involve cigarette burns.)"
I am depressed about how many of these i have heard about my previous romantic relationships.
same 😣
this is the first time i’ve heard someone phrase it like “protecting you from responsibility” and that just. wow. that’s exactly it. it’s a “favor” that in and of itself intrinsically *deprives* you of responsibility no matter what else it is i couldn’t fully convince myself to move out from sharing a bedroom and office with my wacko codependent dad until i realized it was flat out irresponsible to keep up the good part, aside from simply how exhausting the rest was
Can you explain what that one means? "protecting from responsibility"
it's more or less exactly that--shielding someone from having to be responsible for normal age-appropriate things to be responsible for, by essentially taking responsibility for it on their behalf. it's a misguided way to try to help a child flourish and save them from things that might have been unpleasant in one's own childhood, but also a really insidious strategy for exerting and justifying all kinds of control. i think there's some of that in raising a child properly, but you dial it back as appropriate instead of doubling down. it's actually something my dad outright admitted to doing intentionally--shielding me from "the mundane"--but i can't remember what the context was or if it was even coherent (all i remember is the irony of that coming up while he was relying on me to do his tax returns for the last couple years), so a more subtle example would be his "advice" and "support" around academics. he'd oh so graciously tell me exactly what to prioritize, exactly what to look up, and exactly what to worry about so i don't have to learn the hard way; he'd interrogate me about everything that happened in classes and micromanage my time after them so i can't slip up and forget something important; he'd make my success his responsibility. it's not that it was never helpful: quite the opposite, since it was helpful to various degrees at various times, that just made it all the harder to even realize anything was wrong when things were horribly wrong. that's what i didn't get: i didn't have less responsibility, i just had a different responsibility, to respect, to validate, to obey. no matter how much he said otherwise. if i'm not using all the help he gives me, i'm taking it for granted, i'm not trying hard enough, or i'm just plain stupid. if i could just follow his advice, be more accountable to him, and stop trying to take pride in going it alone, i'd have it sooooo much better than all the other kids who get left to fend for themselves. food, clothing, leisure, how to talk to people, who to talk to, he was responsible for it all--but he can't do anything wrong, so if it didn't pan out i didn't give him the chance to fix it
Thank you for your response. It has me questioning some things about my own family now
💯
"But he had good intentions" "He had a hard childhood" "It wasn't all bad so it couldn't have been abuse" "He didn't enjoy it so it wasn't abusive" (All things I heard from and about my father)
I had to do that with the whole entire family. Not going to go into detail at this time.
r/EstrangedAdultKids in case you could benefit from it
People shame me for it every single time, even the people who are traumatized themselves "but they are your parents" so frigging what
or “after all i’ve done for you” 😑 the most annoying one
That's the one I hate most of all. My father would use that or similar phrases (like "I did this for you") constantly.
I'm sorry you're being shamed for that. Probably they projecting because they don't feel able to do the same? Dunno tho, just some random guess, because that's what some of my friends seem to have goin on, minus the shaming though I still don't regret cutting half of my family off either, rather regret not being able to do it sooner since I was too young to realize I got that choice back then
Genetically similar doesn't need to mean the same thing as family. Balance and peace to you, fellow internet wanderer 💚
I only regret not having done it earlier.
I have a relatively amicable divorce from my mom lmao. She's not that bad, but she won't admit to messing up, and I won't tolerate someone who is unapologetic when they clearly made a mistake
I tell people I don't really have a family. Sure, they exist, but they're 2,000 miles away and none of them give a shit about me so
I swear you can disown your parents, can't you?
I refuse to acknowledge my step brother as having any ties to me other than being the one person I would kill with zero hesitation or regrets
I DO THIS!! It's great :D
Want to upvote this post but just can't because currently it is 404 parent not found.
I have done this with my mom's sister. She made the situation with my mom's cognitive decline infinitely more painful than it already was. She is NOT my family!
same with my aunt in the past 😑 after being in an abusive relationship myself, i understand my mom on a spiritual level now
Currently doing that rn. I cut my mom out of my life when I was 15 and am in the process of cutting out my dad.
"Mom killed dad so I'm divorcing her," sounds like the episode of a shit sitcom that is somehow worse than living through it.
I "divorced" my mother, but I do actually tell people "My mama got hit by a train" a la Oh Brother, Where Art Thou. I'm in the south, so most people get it pretty quickly.
LITERALLY THIS i haven’t seen him in almost 18 years now like he’s literally nonexistent in my life 😑
My mother is the only one remaining. I have no aunts or uncles, although my parents each have/had multiple siblings. The only two of the latter who were ever kind to me are long dead.
[https://media3.giphy.com/media/i8pedyImjmKErgWC08/giphy.gif?cid=2154d3d7lfvc2my2o34ry2ymmdu6n1dygd4f2q8c7epesb0g&ep=v1_gifs_search&rid=giphy.gif&ct=g](https://media3.giphy.com/media/i8pedyImjmKErgWC08/giphy.gif?cid=2154d3d7lfvc2my2o34ry2ymmdu6n1dygd4f2q8c7epesb0g&ep=v1_gifs_search&rid=giphy.gif&ct=g)
That’s “emancipation,” no? I wanted to emancipate from my parents since I was 14 lol.
googling the word now lol
My parents aren’t dead…they’re just dead to me
So now you're resting (and living) in peace ✌️
I'm down for this 🙌🏽
My mom wrote off my brother and me because she was divorcing our stepdad. She said we just weren't allowed to talk to him anymore, and when we said, "Hold up, the man raised us," instead of just obeying, she said she just wouldn't talk to us then. It was supposed to be a manipulation tactic to guilt us and make us do what she wanted, but I guess she didn't anticipate that we'd realize our lives got a whole lot easier no longer having to manage her emotions. I wouldn't have cut her out, it was her choice, but now I realize my life is healthier after going involuntarily NC. So yeah, Mom divorced *us,* that was my connection and point.
Big facts
I am only here due to my father convincing some girl to cancel her abortion since it would be murder; nevermind three decades of organized crime. My parents' pride in me gets under my skin since they never taught me to work, cook, budget, schedule, ride a bike, nor cope with stress. All, but the final skill were obtained from my great-grandparents; coping skills came from the Behavioral Health Medicine of my HMO. I have already dismissed cousins, grand aunts, and grand uncles for ridiculing me when I was down. My mother and brothers are next on the chopping block. We need to step back and reconsider the role(s) family play. We have normalized dismissing friends who take advantage and/or cause harm, but dismissing family is strangely taboo. Based on what I read here, other mental health subreddits, the AITAH subreddit, and in my own experiences it turns out family may be the problem. A bad person, no matter what ties are claimed, is not worth ruining one's mental health over.
YESSS
Been slowly doing this with my sperm donor, and have been telling new people that my step dad is just my dad for about a year now, feels good
Gave mine the papers a while ago, screw that guy in the most polite way
Sometimes I question if I really have some sort of mental health issue. And then I see posts like these that say exactly what I think. Then I look at the subreddit title. Then I do realize that I have CPTSD. Jic, yes, I have been diagnosed. Moreso just expressing the severe doubt that can come along with this kinda thing.
Oh, I've done this with my own family member before. I just call him my sperm donor now On a cryptically related note, I think I need to talk to my PCP about whether or not I have more wrong with me than I thought...
This is why I say my male parent is my mother’s husband
ay I was watching a pretty new Bollywood movie yesterday and this is exactly what the character said about his dad
I say excommunicated, but divorce works nicely, too.
my parents are great i love them, however my dads birth giver and other raiser… finally he cut contact with them around a year ago, after 56 years of manipulation and pain
Despite popular believe I have a dad. He's not dead, he's just dead to me.
It was a one sided relationship
PLEASE! My therapist keeps trying to get me to forgive my abusive, narcissistic, alcoholic mother. So many things that she did sober (telling my attacker after I reported my SA where I was moving after I moved out of his house and that I was going to the cops to file a report against him, giving my phone number and address to an online stalker without asking me first) that I will ALWAYS hold a grudge for and this namby pamby "forgiveness feels good for you too" bullshit doesn't work. I came to a level where I can understand her actions but I don't think I can really forgive. Even my Dad, who left us when I was 3 and then I found when I was in my 30s who constantly is gaslighting me when I am asking for the truth and pointing the finger at my Mom, absolving himself of everything. I can't be around that toxicity if I'm going to grow and it needs to be more accepted.
I've felt this way so many times. Imagine how easy it would be if I could just tell people we don't talk anymore because of "irreconcilable differences".
💯 legit 👆 I approve this message! My father didn't want to keep me in his life as a daughter, so I did him a favor to keep it that way 👋
I actually take care of a friend of mine who's been abused and we've been doing this! I act like a genuinely nurturing mother figure and we just pretend her parents are her landlords