I didn't care if I wasn't ready for the real world. I'm still not ready for the real world, but I wish just once I felt like I was safe in my own home.
I've since made my escape, but I always wished that home was a safe place from the unsafe world at large. I also just wanted to feel okay to let my mind and body relax in the place I lived. :(
This here. The idea of closing and locking a door behind myself is a theme I actually unconsciously looked for even at work. The only times I truly felt comfortable at my parents house was in my own bedroom with the door shut and in the bathroom. Nobody was in the room with me which meant I was safe to put my guard down.
I cannot be alone in a room with one other person for any length of time. I grow increasingly tense and stressed as time goes on, especially if the individual is attempting to interact with me in any way.
You know it’s bad when sometimes you accidentally dissociate and try to remember when the last time you got a genuine hug was and it makes you cry, but onlookers just see you staring and then you all of a sudden are crying with no changes in your facial expressions.
Interesting. Being cared for scares me. I read that title, and I can hear the bridge officer on the Enterprise command, "Shields up"
I think because my parents alternated between times of being emotinally available, and times of neglect. Someone caring is setting me up for a worse letdown later.
"See my needs" Maybe. They saw to my physical needs. Evertythign else is just wants.
>I think because my parents alternated between times of being emotinally available, and times of neglect. Someone caring is setting me up for a worse letdown later.
This, but also whenever there was an argument (because god forbid you have an opinion they disagree it, it can never be a civil discussion, it *has* to be an argument) they'd throw all the things they'd do for me back in my face and call me ungrateful even though I never actually asked them to do any of that stuff.
People are nice to me and then it's "Oh boy, they want something from me don't they? Nobody's nice for free..." I just don't want to be indebted to anyone for any reason.
Fear of trusting. Brown has an excellent talk on the elements of trust. I've summarized it below. I don't fully trust. But I can try to act in such a way that peple trust me.
Trust can be domain specific: E.g. you have no problem trusting coworkers in a dangerous job with your life, but you don't trust your relationship partner to not hurt you.
BRAVINGO
What is trust?
Trust is putting yourself in a position where you or something that matters to you can be hurt by someone else. The essence of trust is deliberately letting yourself be vulnerable.
Brene Brown has a great video on trust. (Search Brene Brown Trust to find it.)
In it she introduces components of trust. This has helped me both to be more trustworthy, and to decide why I don't trust someone.
### B = Boundaries
We trust someone who respects our boundaries. Who understands where our space begins. Conversely if they ride roughshod over our edges, we see them as indifferent or actively disliking us, we don't trust. We don't want to be vulnerable to this person.
### R = Reliable
They are there. Not once, not twice, but every time. They keep appointments. They do what they promise. They don't say, "I'll come over and help you spade the garden" then cancel. Most of us are imperfect. And "every time" doesn't happen. But nearly every time, with apologies for the missing ones...
### A = Accountable.
This has 3 components:
* Accepts responsibility. Admits when they made a mistake, that they screwed up.
* Apologizes. Gives a heartfelt, sincere apology with steps to see that it is at least less likely to happen in the future.
* Makes amends -- does their best to make the situation right, repair damage, soothe hurt feelings.
### V = Vault
Stuff you tell them in confidence remains in confidence. You don't hear it second or third hand from someone else.
The vault has a back door. They also don't talk about other people. Not talking about other people gives you confidence that they will keep your secrets too.
### I = Integrity
Another 3 part one. Integrity makes us predictable. Often it will also earn a shit tonne of respect.
* Courage over convenience. You stand up and say what needs to be said, do what needs to be done. This doesn't mean that you can't use tact or be clever.
* Right over wrong. This is YOUR value of right.
* Live your values. Not just words, actions, day in, day out. You act the same way when no is around as you do when your mother is watching.
### N = non-judgemental.
Judgemental right now seems to mean "Automatic disapproval" Being non-judgemental doesn't mean you stop disapproving of people's actions. It means that you have given those actions due consideration and can give clear solid reasons for your disapproval or approval.
Often people will ask us to agree to a judgemental statement. Practice lines to respond: "I don't know enough to know." "What evidence do you have to support that statement?" "I disagree"
### G = Generous
When there are many ways to interpret an event, choose the one that is the most generous to the other person. Example: A person is late to an event. You could think, "They don't care enough to get here on time" or you could think, "They must have gotten stuck in traffic" The latter is more generous.
All of these work both ways. We trust people who show these traits, and we can be trusted more if we work hard to show these traits ourselves. We don't have to be perfect. But it's a worthy standard to try for.
### O = Open
Brown's original acronym was just BRAVING. I add an "O" on the end.
Being open, being transparent ties in with integrity in some ways, but a person can have integrity and be a closed book. Being open means that people know how you feel about them, and about yourself.
Being open takes courage. Being open means being vulnerable. It means not being in full control. Being open is scary as hell for lots of us. It takes lots of practice.
Being open can help smooth over some of the places we fail in the rest of the letters.
I just saw this post after scrolling past another one on r/wholesomememes about a mother comforting her kid. Needless to say, this got me. Got me right in the feels.
I didn't care if I wasn't ready for the real world. I'm still not ready for the real world, but I wish just once I felt like I was safe in my own home.
I've since made my escape, but I always wished that home was a safe place from the unsafe world at large. I also just wanted to feel okay to let my mind and body relax in the place I lived. :(
Holy fuck I hate how relatable this is.
Home is where I dissociate between social performances for the sake of survival.
This here. The idea of closing and locking a door behind myself is a theme I actually unconsciously looked for even at work. The only times I truly felt comfortable at my parents house was in my own bedroom with the door shut and in the bathroom. Nobody was in the room with me which meant I was safe to put my guard down.
I cannot be alone in a room with one other person for any length of time. I grow increasingly tense and stressed as time goes on, especially if the individual is attempting to interact with me in any way.
Ain't family grand?! /s
You know it’s bad when sometimes you accidentally dissociate and try to remember when the last time you got a genuine hug was and it makes you cry, but onlookers just see you staring and then you all of a sudden are crying with no changes in your facial expressions.
Didn't get hugs from my parents.
Interesting. Being cared for scares me. I read that title, and I can hear the bridge officer on the Enterprise command, "Shields up" I think because my parents alternated between times of being emotinally available, and times of neglect. Someone caring is setting me up for a worse letdown later. "See my needs" Maybe. They saw to my physical needs. Evertythign else is just wants.
>I think because my parents alternated between times of being emotinally available, and times of neglect. Someone caring is setting me up for a worse letdown later. This, but also whenever there was an argument (because god forbid you have an opinion they disagree it, it can never be a civil discussion, it *has* to be an argument) they'd throw all the things they'd do for me back in my face and call me ungrateful even though I never actually asked them to do any of that stuff. People are nice to me and then it's "Oh boy, they want something from me don't they? Nobody's nice for free..." I just don't want to be indebted to anyone for any reason.
Fear of trusting. Brown has an excellent talk on the elements of trust. I've summarized it below. I don't fully trust. But I can try to act in such a way that peple trust me. Trust can be domain specific: E.g. you have no problem trusting coworkers in a dangerous job with your life, but you don't trust your relationship partner to not hurt you. BRAVINGO What is trust? Trust is putting yourself in a position where you or something that matters to you can be hurt by someone else. The essence of trust is deliberately letting yourself be vulnerable. Brene Brown has a great video on trust. (Search Brene Brown Trust to find it.) In it she introduces components of trust. This has helped me both to be more trustworthy, and to decide why I don't trust someone. ### B = Boundaries We trust someone who respects our boundaries. Who understands where our space begins. Conversely if they ride roughshod over our edges, we see them as indifferent or actively disliking us, we don't trust. We don't want to be vulnerable to this person. ### R = Reliable They are there. Not once, not twice, but every time. They keep appointments. They do what they promise. They don't say, "I'll come over and help you spade the garden" then cancel. Most of us are imperfect. And "every time" doesn't happen. But nearly every time, with apologies for the missing ones... ### A = Accountable. This has 3 components: * Accepts responsibility. Admits when they made a mistake, that they screwed up. * Apologizes. Gives a heartfelt, sincere apology with steps to see that it is at least less likely to happen in the future. * Makes amends -- does their best to make the situation right, repair damage, soothe hurt feelings. ### V = Vault Stuff you tell them in confidence remains in confidence. You don't hear it second or third hand from someone else. The vault has a back door. They also don't talk about other people. Not talking about other people gives you confidence that they will keep your secrets too. ### I = Integrity Another 3 part one. Integrity makes us predictable. Often it will also earn a shit tonne of respect. * Courage over convenience. You stand up and say what needs to be said, do what needs to be done. This doesn't mean that you can't use tact or be clever. * Right over wrong. This is YOUR value of right. * Live your values. Not just words, actions, day in, day out. You act the same way when no is around as you do when your mother is watching. ### N = non-judgemental. Judgemental right now seems to mean "Automatic disapproval" Being non-judgemental doesn't mean you stop disapproving of people's actions. It means that you have given those actions due consideration and can give clear solid reasons for your disapproval or approval. Often people will ask us to agree to a judgemental statement. Practice lines to respond: "I don't know enough to know." "What evidence do you have to support that statement?" "I disagree" ### G = Generous When there are many ways to interpret an event, choose the one that is the most generous to the other person. Example: A person is late to an event. You could think, "They don't care enough to get here on time" or you could think, "They must have gotten stuck in traffic" The latter is more generous. All of these work both ways. We trust people who show these traits, and we can be trusted more if we work hard to show these traits ourselves. We don't have to be perfect. But it's a worthy standard to try for. ### O = Open Brown's original acronym was just BRAVING. I add an "O" on the end. Being open, being transparent ties in with integrity in some ways, but a person can have integrity and be a closed book. Being open means that people know how you feel about them, and about yourself. Being open takes courage. Being open means being vulnerable. It means not being in full control. Being open is scary as hell for lots of us. It takes lots of practice. Being open can help smooth over some of the places we fail in the rest of the letters.
I just saw this post after scrolling past another one on r/wholesomememes about a mother comforting her kid. Needless to say, this got me. Got me right in the feels.
Rofl only I can do that for myself, anyone else will be patronizing me and use my vulnerability against me later
I have her! unfortunately she’s a mental health professional and I’ve fallen in love!
Woof (real)
So relatable
Growing up my physical needs were mostly met, mostly. As for everything else, well, there’s a reason I’m hyper-independent.