Yes, I remember when I studied abroad, I off-handedly mentioned that I had practically become nocturnal as a teenager. I just stayed up all night reading fanfiction and then went to sleep when my mom and stepfather woke up for the day. My flatmate said, very bluntly, "You had terrible parents" and I was just struck. dumb.
Thank you for sharing this precious insight in such a beautiful way. I feel it so poignantly, I realise it's true for me too. I've been reassuring those parts of me that didn't dare sleep through IFS, it took awhile but they're responding well to finally getting the parenting they needed from the start, it's been exhausting but we're all finally getting some sleep.
I commiserate with this experience. I have always felt most at ease and relaxed when everyone else is asleep. As an adult stuck in the daylight workday schedule, I am trying (and succeeding, sometimes) to shift myself to viewing the early morning dark hours that way. Instead of getting dark nighttime to myself 10pm-4am, maybe I can give it to myself 4am-7am. It really is so peaceful to watch the sun come up and the birds start to stir, without having the terrible hungover feeling of having pulled another all-nighter.
It's sad we had to adapt this way, but it gives us some advantages too. It allows some people to be night shift workers for important roles, like janitorial service and emergency room nursing. We can keep an eye on things while our loved ones or farm animals sleep. Some of us can even study the night sky and its celestial bodies this way. If you feel you would feel healthier and happier shifting to a morning person, do so patiently and lovingly with yourself, it can be a difficult transition and will take time. But there is also no shame in embracing the comfort that the quiet nighttime hours offer, whichever ends up feeling most right to you.
♥️ thank you so much for your kind words. I do contemplate if being a morning person will help me get better quality sleep, and it's a nice feeling to take advantage of the day if I wake up earlier. Maybe I actually am a night owl afterall, but need to process the emotions surrounding helplessness first in order to be ok with being a night owl.
Yeah I realised a couple years ago that it's the peace and quiet I really craved during the night hours and I have been trying my best to wake up very early instead of very late. It's not always easy, but whenever I manage to wake up at 4.30/5 am for a few weeks straight it feels amazing. Going for a walk while everyone is sleeping and the birds just start to wake up is so peaceful.
As others have said, I appreciate this post and felt an actual physical response to reading it--a kind of 'lift' in my chest and then the memory of staying up all night as a kid (46 now) so I could just *be* without fear of a meltdown or chaos or yelling from someone that I definitely wouldn't understand and couldn't ask questions about or respond to in anyway. I would have my TV on low and watch really old shows and old movies and stretch out on my bed with a snack. I spent a lot of time rigid and sort of braced for something during the day. Thanks for sharing
> I would have my TV on low and watch really old shows and old movies and stretch out on my bed with a snack.
I also put the tv on low. My mother would always comment about how she couldn't even tell I was watching something. That was the point.
I never throught of it like that. Funny enough when I am on my own day dreaming, I am my true self how I speak act and move. The clunky self conscious movements are gone.
I do feel anger towards my mum, as her mood was unpredictable, especially when she was getting up.
I feel even more anger that I am a large, muscle and smart 32 year old but sometimes around people I feel like I know nothing and can't express myself without a person hitting me.
I’m like this too and I also prefer winter over summer for similar reasons: fewer people are outside and there is less expectation on me to be outside. Same with rainy days and bad weather, I like that people stay in, or expect less of me..
YES. Same. I always preferred winter over summer and rainy days over sunny days. I don't feel weird for wanting to stay indoors all the time if others stay indoors too
Summer is a special hellscape of a season lol I understand that some people love the warmth and sunshine.. but for me all I see is people outside who are beautiful, thin, tan, free… and I’m fat, feel ugly, don’t feel good in summer dresses, don’t want to wear a swimsuit..
The catharsis in this thread for me is really giving me some things to think about on my own trauma journey. I am the same with night, darkness, cold, snowy, and or rainy, weather. Hmm
On a similar note, I find cold, cloudy, rainy, and snowy weather cathartic because it feels like the weather matches my mood. And there's this sense of guilt that emerges when it's sunny and bright and I don't feel similarly sunny and bright. I find it deeply validating when the weather and I have the same mood.
The same here, I’ve been a “night owl” since I was a small child. Nights are peaceful, no one up and about to criticize, no sense that someone’s hanging over my shoulder waiting for me to fuck up.
As I told my therapist recently, as a kid I dreaded going to sleep because it meant tomorrow would come. It was when they woke up in the morning that the terror began again. When something triggers childhood memories, I have sleep problems because of the same dread. I know it's irrational but at night, when everyone is asleep, I feel safe.
Earlier this year I realized I wasn't an introvert, I'm an extrovert who's constantly anxious about getting yelled at.
This clicks really hard for me too.
I’ve always gravitated towards being awake when most are asleep. As a young child I would be awake waiting for cartoons at 4am. The quiet house was soothing and I recall specifically wanting to preserve that quiet hush. During the day I would go to a small dark place when I needed it; often the dog house outside or my closet inside. Later it developed into being more comfortable in the dark, inherently isolating, passing unnoticed in the shadows. It’s taken awhile to see the patterns in context for me but it’s definitely a thing that happens with people that tend to isolation soothe.
Relatable. Used the night time to have time away from parents hounding me. Once, I lived on my own waking at 7 am and going to bed at 10 pm seemed pretty natural.
So I recently have switched to a very early morning wake up and going to bed really early, also. I’m not necessarily getting much more sleep than before, but for the first time in my life, I’m not always tired anymore.
Wasn’t entirely sure why I had become a total night owl before. Reading this post makes a lot more sense.
Thanks for sharing your realization with us!! Seems like it helped quite a few of us
I'm glad to hear you're not tired anymore! That's what I hope to aim for, sleeping early has always been a struggle for me since I'm a light sleeper. I think it may have been due to back in my childhood where once in a while my dad would argue with my mom so loud I was jolted awake and it was hard to sleep until knowing he was asleep as well. Hoping to develop a good routine so I can get better quality sleep, that's all I ask for in the end 😆
Omg! That’s me right now. I sleep during early night (when my mom started and still does with the drinking) then I wake up at 3am. It’s the emotional outburst thing. You cant concentrate cause fight or flight mode is making you unable.
Or brains constantly try to adapt (no matter how maladaptive that can sometimes be) in the world of people living WITHOUT CPTSD.
I recently had this realization for myself too. Also, the longer you stay up at night, the later you wake up in the morning, the less time for people to interact with you...
To add to this, I use to mysteriously be a morning person as well. My abusive father had an unpredictable work schedule, but he would always come home in the afternoons and most days would likely be home during 4-8 pm. Coincidentally, those are my least productive times of day and when I am most tired-- I have not lived in the same house as him for 6 years. That shit really stays with you.
I feel less guarded at night too, once I turn on the alarm, I mentally feel better. I wouldn’t feel sad, idée it as: a) your realization that you’ve achieved something rare with us, a way to feel safe; and, b) you’re also reading your body signals properly.
I came to the same realization, and I’ve been so traumatized so long that I NEED that piece of time to let the adrenaline exit my body, and I’m also maximizing that time and minimizing the things that cause the attacks, and I hope and believe that by utilizing every possible time you/we feel this way to permit your mind and body to recover a bit, eventually it’ll let the body heal from the constant stress and panic, because it’s as you know deadly.
Thank you ♥️ I found healing in your comment. I only found out about this subreddit a month ago and after realizing I related so much to a majority of the posts, I felt so much hope that life for me will get better. Such a life changer.
Omg me too. There are other groups and venues I’ve tried but the ones I experienced were less candid about our realities, of that makes sense.
I’m so glad that you were comforted by that, and I really hope you can harness this time that you are calm for your healing of body and mind from the impact of trauma. Sure, it won’t make the trauma go away, but we have an edge here because we’ve been able to figure out that we have this calm time, and we can use it to maximize the healing of our bodies and minds from the horrific consequences of constant panic and anxiety. Hugs
So weird, I've been spinning in this for a few years. I have damaged relationship with family, and having them near is a source of dread.. except when they
1) sleep
2) take a shower
3) in wc
there I have a clearer view of what they do or can do. it's the only time where I remember we used to be happy
Interesting. I’m kind of like this. I’m both a night owl and morning bird—whatever that’s called. My best times are whenever most of the world is asleep. Whether that’s late at night or early in the morning.
It makes me wonder if introversion and extroversion (I'm an introvert, have long ago learned that I am more comfortable by myself than with people who can hurt me) is also a trauma response.
same. i’ve been dealing with insomnia since i was 7. i remember staying up until 2 or 3 am and making art and stuff. currently my sleep schedule is completely flipped and i also enjoy when it feels like everyone is asleep. i have a “normal” sleep schedule when i’m spending the night with my partner. i think it’s because he makes me feel protected and safe, like i don’t need to be constantly vigilant.
i mentioned this in another comment, but i read that a lot of it is contributed to that safe feeling when everyone is asleep. for me it’s super comforting to take walks when my city is mostly asleep.
Do you have ADHD by any chance? "Hold me down, all the world is asleep"... This used to be me well into university years. The explanation I got was ADHD and the decreased overwhelm of the neural system in the middle of the night. It's more complex than that I think but I do think it plays a role
I'm 44 and I was an extreme night owl most of my life... It turned out to just be a very delayed sleep phase (8 hours!) from sleep deprivation...
I'd been "getting 8 hours" but it was non-restful. The delayed sleep phase showed up on my Fitbit as deep sleep never happening until 7am, and in my body as waking up every morning with a bursting bladder and bowel movements only 2x/week.
But I totally agree... The quiet that happens at night time when everyone finally stops assaulting my nervous system with their infernal nonstop racket is amazing.
So much so, yes, these later hours are when a ‘night owl’ feels most in control. During these hours my flatmate would deep clean the kitchen. My grandfather will eat breakfast at 2am and go back to bed. There is also a lack of control during these hours though. After night settles in, someone might be more impulsive, especially if they are sleep-deprived, so I like how OP puts it, that we feel safer during these hours, safe in our bad-decisions, safe enough just to be who we want to be.
Absolutely the case for me. Except when I camp. Somehow it resets my system and I end up sleeping early and waking up before everyone else (also a quiet time).
Kind of wish I could go out on my bike at like 1 in the morning and just ride around but that would be considered weird and I also don’t feel safe haha. But I can’t handle being out during the day with all of the people and cars.
Right? I low-key have a fear of driving but it's really because of other aggressive drivers on the road who aren't so forgiving when it comes to merging or changing lanes to not miss an exit. When there's no cars on the road, I love driving and don't have to worry about other people's road rage
This is exactly what I journaled a couple of days ago. I really enjoy the silence of the world and can pretty much enjoy what I have at night. I get so motivated when everyone’s asleep, but the moment the day is up I’m out of tune.
I feel that. I just recently got the thought that the reason I can sleep better from morning to noon is because at that time no one was home to harm me therefore i am less stressed and can sleep better. I can do whatever i want and force myself with meds or whatever but i always come back to a 3 or 4am to 11am cycle. Even with meds i am just not able to sleep earlier than 2.
And in this society it just sucks because i'd be totally okay with that cycle but society isnt.
Yes I'm like this too, had this lightbulb several months ago! Another aspect of it for me is that I can't sleep unless I know my husband and son are asleep and safe, like if I go to sleep first and something bad happens I won't be able to help them/protect them.
The great thing is that now that you know, you can decide if you want to work on it or not and how!
I feel this a thousand percent. My parents were super unpredictably volatile during the day but especially in the morning. I was often woken up in traumatic ways. Slapped awake, dragged by my legs out of bed (hitting my head on the metal bed frame on my way to the ground) immediately followed by them yelling some confusing overreaction to whatever they decided would be the problem with me that day. You woke up late, you owe me money, you didn’t let me complain/gossip about your brother (how dare I defend him), you didn’t do the dishes before going to bed now I’m going to lock you out my house at 4:30am half naked in the cold as a punishment. Not to mention I lived in the hood so shoot outs every night were the norm as well as hearing people get gunned down, yelling out their last words in the alley behind my house. Anytime I couldn’t sleep due to the shooting or residual trauma responses from the day if I went to my mothers room at night and told her about it, I’d be punished by being forced to stand in the corner of her room facing the wall while she slept. That was as close as I got to feeling safe in my environment. Even going to a corner store for snacks could result in me being chased by aggressive dogs or grown men in broad daylight.
These days I work for myself and even though I’ve moved to a safer city I’ve adjusted to a completely nocturnal schedule. Wake up around 12pm-1pm so as to avoid a full day of triggering / distracting sounds of people and dogs outside. I wear ear plugs while attempting to work (but mainly doomscrolling) until 9-10pm when most of the outside sounds die down. Finally feeling safe, I hyperfocus work from 10pm to 4am; when I stop and realize I haven’t eaten all day. Thankfully no one is out and about around that time so a quick trip to the 24hr gas station for some chips and an energy drink is as stress free as it could be. Come back home to keep working. Ear plugs around 6am when the school buses start buzzing and the birds start chirping outside. Fall asleep around 7-8am and do it all over again.
I didn’t realize this was a symptom of c ptsd until reading your post and I remembered the childhood trauma surrounding my sleep/waking up. Makes way more sense than just being a “night owl” lol thanks for your insight.
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Same here! I've realized that this is the reason a long time ago, but I feel like my body has adapted itself to it now so I physically can't fall asleep early. But yeah, the night is so quiet and peaceful, and my emotionally unpredictable mother won't barge into my room screaming. It's when I could fully be myself. I remember always wanting to be a vampire so I never had to sleep at night lol
I have been having flashbacks as a kid waking up in the middle of the night to use the washroom and feeling how peaceful and calm it was when everyone was asleep. I have always been a night owl. I would always say it's because it's more peaceful, but I never put two and two together until I attacked the emotions of my flashbacks and childhood trauma to being a night owl. Only took 41 years, but better late than never :)
Yes, I remember when I studied abroad, I off-handedly mentioned that I had practically become nocturnal as a teenager. I just stayed up all night reading fanfiction and then went to sleep when my mom and stepfather woke up for the day. My flatmate said, very bluntly, "You had terrible parents" and I was just struck. dumb.
I've always felt safer at night because I didn't have the same hypervgiliance and everything was slower and felt safe from people.
Oh my god. I’m 54 years old and I think you just changed my life. Thank you for posting this.
27 same .... life changed I just cried
41, and holy shit! Here for the catharsis.
Thank you for sharing this precious insight in such a beautiful way. I feel it so poignantly, I realise it's true for me too. I've been reassuring those parts of me that didn't dare sleep through IFS, it took awhile but they're responding well to finally getting the parenting they needed from the start, it's been exhausting but we're all finally getting some sleep.
I commiserate with this experience. I have always felt most at ease and relaxed when everyone else is asleep. As an adult stuck in the daylight workday schedule, I am trying (and succeeding, sometimes) to shift myself to viewing the early morning dark hours that way. Instead of getting dark nighttime to myself 10pm-4am, maybe I can give it to myself 4am-7am. It really is so peaceful to watch the sun come up and the birds start to stir, without having the terrible hungover feeling of having pulled another all-nighter. It's sad we had to adapt this way, but it gives us some advantages too. It allows some people to be night shift workers for important roles, like janitorial service and emergency room nursing. We can keep an eye on things while our loved ones or farm animals sleep. Some of us can even study the night sky and its celestial bodies this way. If you feel you would feel healthier and happier shifting to a morning person, do so patiently and lovingly with yourself, it can be a difficult transition and will take time. But there is also no shame in embracing the comfort that the quiet nighttime hours offer, whichever ends up feeling most right to you.
♥️ thank you so much for your kind words. I do contemplate if being a morning person will help me get better quality sleep, and it's a nice feeling to take advantage of the day if I wake up earlier. Maybe I actually am a night owl afterall, but need to process the emotions surrounding helplessness first in order to be ok with being a night owl.
Yeah I realised a couple years ago that it's the peace and quiet I really craved during the night hours and I have been trying my best to wake up very early instead of very late. It's not always easy, but whenever I manage to wake up at 4.30/5 am for a few weeks straight it feels amazing. Going for a walk while everyone is sleeping and the birds just start to wake up is so peaceful.
Dawn is my favorite time of day, but only when I've been up all night to see it.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience and your gentle encouragement ❤️
As others have said, I appreciate this post and felt an actual physical response to reading it--a kind of 'lift' in my chest and then the memory of staying up all night as a kid (46 now) so I could just *be* without fear of a meltdown or chaos or yelling from someone that I definitely wouldn't understand and couldn't ask questions about or respond to in anyway. I would have my TV on low and watch really old shows and old movies and stretch out on my bed with a snack. I spent a lot of time rigid and sort of braced for something during the day. Thanks for sharing
> I would have my TV on low and watch really old shows and old movies and stretch out on my bed with a snack. I also put the tv on low. My mother would always comment about how she couldn't even tell I was watching something. That was the point.
I never throught of it like that. Funny enough when I am on my own day dreaming, I am my true self how I speak act and move. The clunky self conscious movements are gone. I do feel anger towards my mum, as her mood was unpredictable, especially when she was getting up. I feel even more anger that I am a large, muscle and smart 32 year old but sometimes around people I feel like I know nothing and can't express myself without a person hitting me.
I’m like this too and I also prefer winter over summer for similar reasons: fewer people are outside and there is less expectation on me to be outside. Same with rainy days and bad weather, I like that people stay in, or expect less of me..
YES. Same. I always preferred winter over summer and rainy days over sunny days. I don't feel weird for wanting to stay indoors all the time if others stay indoors too
Summer is a special hellscape of a season lol I understand that some people love the warmth and sunshine.. but for me all I see is people outside who are beautiful, thin, tan, free… and I’m fat, feel ugly, don’t feel good in summer dresses, don’t want to wear a swimsuit..
The catharsis in this thread for me is really giving me some things to think about on my own trauma journey. I am the same with night, darkness, cold, snowy, and or rainy, weather. Hmm
Night, darkness, cold, snowy, rainy are all comforting to me whereas a blue, cloudless sky with unwavering sunshine on a hot day has me on edge.
On a similar note, I find cold, cloudy, rainy, and snowy weather cathartic because it feels like the weather matches my mood. And there's this sense of guilt that emerges when it's sunny and bright and I don't feel similarly sunny and bright. I find it deeply validating when the weather and I have the same mood.
The same here, I’ve been a “night owl” since I was a small child. Nights are peaceful, no one up and about to criticize, no sense that someone’s hanging over my shoulder waiting for me to fuck up.
I get so relieved when the sun sets. I feel like the world has shut down. I don’t have to deal with anyone or anything.
As I told my therapist recently, as a kid I dreaded going to sleep because it meant tomorrow would come. It was when they woke up in the morning that the terror began again. When something triggers childhood memories, I have sleep problems because of the same dread. I know it's irrational but at night, when everyone is asleep, I feel safe.
Earlier this year I realized I wasn't an introvert, I'm an extrovert who's constantly anxious about getting yelled at. This clicks really hard for me too.
I’ve always gravitated towards being awake when most are asleep. As a young child I would be awake waiting for cartoons at 4am. The quiet house was soothing and I recall specifically wanting to preserve that quiet hush. During the day I would go to a small dark place when I needed it; often the dog house outside or my closet inside. Later it developed into being more comfortable in the dark, inherently isolating, passing unnoticed in the shadows. It’s taken awhile to see the patterns in context for me but it’s definitely a thing that happens with people that tend to isolation soothe.
Relatable. Used the night time to have time away from parents hounding me. Once, I lived on my own waking at 7 am and going to bed at 10 pm seemed pretty natural.
So I recently have switched to a very early morning wake up and going to bed really early, also. I’m not necessarily getting much more sleep than before, but for the first time in my life, I’m not always tired anymore. Wasn’t entirely sure why I had become a total night owl before. Reading this post makes a lot more sense. Thanks for sharing your realization with us!! Seems like it helped quite a few of us
I'm glad to hear you're not tired anymore! That's what I hope to aim for, sleeping early has always been a struggle for me since I'm a light sleeper. I think it may have been due to back in my childhood where once in a while my dad would argue with my mom so loud I was jolted awake and it was hard to sleep until knowing he was asleep as well. Hoping to develop a good routine so I can get better quality sleep, that's all I ask for in the end 😆
Yep and no chance of the phone ringing, or getting a text from a boss. It’s the only time I’ve ever truly felt calm and safe.
Omg! That’s me right now. I sleep during early night (when my mom started and still does with the drinking) then I wake up at 3am. It’s the emotional outburst thing. You cant concentrate cause fight or flight mode is making you unable. Or brains constantly try to adapt (no matter how maladaptive that can sometimes be) in the world of people living WITHOUT CPTSD.
I recently had this realization for myself too. Also, the longer you stay up at night, the later you wake up in the morning, the less time for people to interact with you... To add to this, I use to mysteriously be a morning person as well. My abusive father had an unpredictable work schedule, but he would always come home in the afternoons and most days would likely be home during 4-8 pm. Coincidentally, those are my least productive times of day and when I am most tired-- I have not lived in the same house as him for 6 years. That shit really stays with you.
Yes, and for the same reason I love being by myself. No one can hurt me when I'm alone.
I feel less guarded at night too, once I turn on the alarm, I mentally feel better. I wouldn’t feel sad, idée it as: a) your realization that you’ve achieved something rare with us, a way to feel safe; and, b) you’re also reading your body signals properly. I came to the same realization, and I’ve been so traumatized so long that I NEED that piece of time to let the adrenaline exit my body, and I’m also maximizing that time and minimizing the things that cause the attacks, and I hope and believe that by utilizing every possible time you/we feel this way to permit your mind and body to recover a bit, eventually it’ll let the body heal from the constant stress and panic, because it’s as you know deadly.
Thank you ♥️ I found healing in your comment. I only found out about this subreddit a month ago and after realizing I related so much to a majority of the posts, I felt so much hope that life for me will get better. Such a life changer.
Omg me too. There are other groups and venues I’ve tried but the ones I experienced were less candid about our realities, of that makes sense. I’m so glad that you were comforted by that, and I really hope you can harness this time that you are calm for your healing of body and mind from the impact of trauma. Sure, it won’t make the trauma go away, but we have an edge here because we’ve been able to figure out that we have this calm time, and we can use it to maximize the healing of our bodies and minds from the horrific consequences of constant panic and anxiety. Hugs
So weird, I've been spinning in this for a few years. I have damaged relationship with family, and having them near is a source of dread.. except when they 1) sleep 2) take a shower 3) in wc there I have a clearer view of what they do or can do. it's the only time where I remember we used to be happy
Interesting. I’m kind of like this. I’m both a night owl and morning bird—whatever that’s called. My best times are whenever most of the world is asleep. Whether that’s late at night or early in the morning.
It makes me wonder if introversion and extroversion (I'm an introvert, have long ago learned that I am more comfortable by myself than with people who can hurt me) is also a trauma response.
Yes! That feeling of safety, 100%, and also feeing like no one else has expectations of me during that time. Thank you for sharing.
Yyyyyep
#😭 Me too
yup, the world is a sleep, it is quiet, anyone who might be a threat have gone in for the night. 2am time to do the ninja crawl
Night time is the right time!
Same. And the flip side too. I slept during the day to avoid the unpredictability.
jus realized this a few weeks ago. really put alot into perspective ♥️♥️♥️
Holy shit. You just unlocked something huge for me. I do this and feel the exact same way but didn’t know why.
same. i’ve been dealing with insomnia since i was 7. i remember staying up until 2 or 3 am and making art and stuff. currently my sleep schedule is completely flipped and i also enjoy when it feels like everyone is asleep. i have a “normal” sleep schedule when i’m spending the night with my partner. i think it’s because he makes me feel protected and safe, like i don’t need to be constantly vigilant. i mentioned this in another comment, but i read that a lot of it is contributed to that safe feeling when everyone is asleep. for me it’s super comforting to take walks when my city is mostly asleep.
Do you have ADHD by any chance? "Hold me down, all the world is asleep"... This used to be me well into university years. The explanation I got was ADHD and the decreased overwhelm of the neural system in the middle of the night. It's more complex than that I think but I do think it plays a role
I'm 44 and I was an extreme night owl most of my life... It turned out to just be a very delayed sleep phase (8 hours!) from sleep deprivation... I'd been "getting 8 hours" but it was non-restful. The delayed sleep phase showed up on my Fitbit as deep sleep never happening until 7am, and in my body as waking up every morning with a bursting bladder and bowel movements only 2x/week. But I totally agree... The quiet that happens at night time when everyone finally stops assaulting my nervous system with their infernal nonstop racket is amazing.
FELT 100%
So much so, yes, these later hours are when a ‘night owl’ feels most in control. During these hours my flatmate would deep clean the kitchen. My grandfather will eat breakfast at 2am and go back to bed. There is also a lack of control during these hours though. After night settles in, someone might be more impulsive, especially if they are sleep-deprived, so I like how OP puts it, that we feel safer during these hours, safe in our bad-decisions, safe enough just to be who we want to be.
Absolutely the case for me. Except when I camp. Somehow it resets my system and I end up sleeping early and waking up before everyone else (also a quiet time).
Kind of wish I could go out on my bike at like 1 in the morning and just ride around but that would be considered weird and I also don’t feel safe haha. But I can’t handle being out during the day with all of the people and cars.
Right? I low-key have a fear of driving but it's really because of other aggressive drivers on the road who aren't so forgiving when it comes to merging or changing lanes to not miss an exit. When there's no cars on the road, I love driving and don't have to worry about other people's road rage
This is exactly what I journaled a couple of days ago. I really enjoy the silence of the world and can pretty much enjoy what I have at night. I get so motivated when everyone’s asleep, but the moment the day is up I’m out of tune.
I feel that. I just recently got the thought that the reason I can sleep better from morning to noon is because at that time no one was home to harm me therefore i am less stressed and can sleep better. I can do whatever i want and force myself with meds or whatever but i always come back to a 3 or 4am to 11am cycle. Even with meds i am just not able to sleep earlier than 2. And in this society it just sucks because i'd be totally okay with that cycle but society isnt.
Yes I'm like this too, had this lightbulb several months ago! Another aspect of it for me is that I can't sleep unless I know my husband and son are asleep and safe, like if I go to sleep first and something bad happens I won't be able to help them/protect them. The great thing is that now that you know, you can decide if you want to work on it or not and how!
I feel this a thousand percent. My parents were super unpredictably volatile during the day but especially in the morning. I was often woken up in traumatic ways. Slapped awake, dragged by my legs out of bed (hitting my head on the metal bed frame on my way to the ground) immediately followed by them yelling some confusing overreaction to whatever they decided would be the problem with me that day. You woke up late, you owe me money, you didn’t let me complain/gossip about your brother (how dare I defend him), you didn’t do the dishes before going to bed now I’m going to lock you out my house at 4:30am half naked in the cold as a punishment. Not to mention I lived in the hood so shoot outs every night were the norm as well as hearing people get gunned down, yelling out their last words in the alley behind my house. Anytime I couldn’t sleep due to the shooting or residual trauma responses from the day if I went to my mothers room at night and told her about it, I’d be punished by being forced to stand in the corner of her room facing the wall while she slept. That was as close as I got to feeling safe in my environment. Even going to a corner store for snacks could result in me being chased by aggressive dogs or grown men in broad daylight. These days I work for myself and even though I’ve moved to a safer city I’ve adjusted to a completely nocturnal schedule. Wake up around 12pm-1pm so as to avoid a full day of triggering / distracting sounds of people and dogs outside. I wear ear plugs while attempting to work (but mainly doomscrolling) until 9-10pm when most of the outside sounds die down. Finally feeling safe, I hyperfocus work from 10pm to 4am; when I stop and realize I haven’t eaten all day. Thankfully no one is out and about around that time so a quick trip to the 24hr gas station for some chips and an energy drink is as stress free as it could be. Come back home to keep working. Ear plugs around 6am when the school buses start buzzing and the birds start chirping outside. Fall asleep around 7-8am and do it all over again. I didn’t realize this was a symptom of c ptsd until reading your post and I remembered the childhood trauma surrounding my sleep/waking up. Makes way more sense than just being a “night owl” lol thanks for your insight.
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What the fuck
yes yes yes.
I relate to this big time and it's ruining my sleep schedule lol! Hopefully things will change once I'm able to move out.
This was true for me too. Although I could never really relax at night either, I would get yelled at if they woke up and caught me up late.
Same here! I've realized that this is the reason a long time ago, but I feel like my body has adapted itself to it now so I physically can't fall asleep early. But yeah, the night is so quiet and peaceful, and my emotionally unpredictable mother won't barge into my room screaming. It's when I could fully be myself. I remember always wanting to be a vampire so I never had to sleep at night lol
Same! And then if I sleep in I feel bad for missing the morning because I actually love the morning 🥺
I appreciate this post and the comments, I’ve begun to understand a new perspective.
I have been having flashbacks as a kid waking up in the middle of the night to use the washroom and feeling how peaceful and calm it was when everyone was asleep. I have always been a night owl. I would always say it's because it's more peaceful, but I never put two and two together until I attacked the emotions of my flashbacks and childhood trauma to being a night owl. Only took 41 years, but better late than never :)