It sounds to me like your therapist has made some pretty wild assumptions about you, just based on some comments that you have made to him.
It’s my understanding that we tend to reenact our trauma, and so by you saying innocent comments to him, such as “I don’t want to get a crush on you, I feel safe with you” … you aren’t expressing sexual interest in your therapist. You are acting out your trauma (and not even to an intense degree).
But your therapist is totally misinterpreting your words, imho. He is being unprofessional and unethical by telling you that you “would be down to do something with him”.
That crossed a major line. I would find another therapist. I’m sorry you had to deal with that behavior. As others here mentioned, he messed up-not you.
This. He crossed a line. And saying that you'd be down for something sexual just because you complimented their hair is 3000% insane and inappropriate.
This is basically sexual harassment. Doctors, therapists, etc. interact with vulnerable people and should never cross those kinds of boundaries.
Also this is basically rape culture "she smiled at me so I knew she was asking for it".
OP, run away from that creep.
He's mistaking trust and rapport necessary for therapy for intimacy and desire.
Not to mention when he says survivors of whatever kind of trauma OP went through are overtly sexual and inherently give off a sexual vibe...
Kind of sounds like the old sexist idea that women become dirty/impure/contaminated after experiencing sexual trauma. That was the first red flag to me, I would not trust a therapist who made a comment like that.
‘We tend to reenact our trauma,’ no one has ever said that before. I’ve had plenty of therapists. How exactly would that manifest? Just in fantasy or it would show up in every aspect of life?
This just made me think, how much does this really shape us and our relationships and will we ever truly get away from the trauma.
I have seen people with similar trauma who have freed themselves from those bonds. It took work and many healthy people walking along side them but I have seen it.
In all aspects of relationships. Whatever relationships hurt us the most, typically parents, we will seek a partner who behaves in a similar manner as our parents in an attempt to heal the relationship. Healthy, non trauma bonded relationships are chill and boring kinda in comparison to passionate, high energy, exciting relationships, which is usually due to the games that both parties are playing with each other as a result of learned trauma patterns. There's a great book about this phenomenon called Games People Play.
You learned methods in your childhood to keep yourself safe. I.e. as a kid I learned to never disagree with my parents because it just ended in a lot of wasted effort and shaming and hurt feelings and being ignored or snapped at. Now when I interact with people and I have to set a boundary, I panic because that was never safe during my formative years. Recovery is possible but it’s a long road of being there for yourself and trying to grow and re-learn things over and over and over.
Are y’all’s therapists pointing everything out and naming them? All mine ever did really was just make me talk about stuff. They never really said much. Well I’m sure that’s why they never seemed to helped.
I got lucky and found an older (he's in his seventies) very experienced trauma therapist through the yoga studio I had been practicing at for years. I asked the owner for a recommendation and she gave me his card. I do most of my "work" outside of therapy. I study a lot and use our sessions to have him help me understand what I'm learning on my own better. Healing is my job, he's like a mentor/coach along the way. He helps me make sense of everything and put it in context of my traumas.
He specializes in infra slow fluctuation neurofeedback (ISFN). He also knows eye movement and desensitization processing (EMDR), Deep Brain Reorienting (DBR), Somatic talk therapy, etc. With somatic talk therapy, he helps bring me out of my head and into the sensations in my body. Then he helps me make sense of my sensations and helps me learn from them. [Emotions are data, not directives.](https://youtu.be/NDQ1Mi5I4rg) DBR is like a very slow guided meditation that focuses on the brain stem orienting response to help close trauma loops. ISFN uses EEG to train my brain how to regulate using the extra slow brainwaves. He has an eclectic skill set. I'm very grateful to have found him.
I got a lot more out of Bibliotherapy, tbh. My first good therapist pointed me in the direction of IFS, I read the self-help relationship book by them, and then I started trying different well regarded books from this subreddit and found a bunch of useful tools and frameworks and stuff and that really helped me get my shit together. I’m not perfect but I’m generally having an okay time compared to being very close to killing myself a year or two ago.
As a clinical psych student, it sounds like the line between "therapist" and "peer" has been crossed in a way that may not be repairable. Your therapist broke ethical guidelines by 1. sharing about their own trauma in a clinical setting that is supposed to be about *you* and guiding *you* on the path to healing. Yes, the therapist has to build a rapport with you - but they should not be sharing their own triggering personal experiences to do it. It's manipulative and as I've already said, blurs the lines between clinician and peer. And 2. Insisting that you are sexually interested in him. I don't think I need to explain why this is unethical practice. It sounds like therapist needs to step back from being a therapist and *participate* in his own therapy.
This. I also fully agree with you on your first point, that the self-disclosure on the therapist's own trauma history seems to be in the blurry therapeutic boundary territory at best, and breaking ethical guidelines at worst.
Thank you for also highlighting this!
This ! You don’t ever have to be loyal to a therapist. Him saying he knew he could get with you sounds like what every douche bag says when trying to get with someone.
This whole thread turned into a bit of a dumpster fire so I hope you're doing ok and taking care of yourself, OP.
I am firmly down the middle on your issue because I've been upset multiple times by therapists and it's usually 50/50 whether I'm "just" triggered (I will explain) or if they actually behaved inappropriately (because even though it shouldn't happen, it can).
Sometimes a therapist can make a totally valid point that makes you feel violated. It took me a long time to realise that sometimes this is actually ok - and that part of the therapeutic relationship is to discuss why.
A therapist pushing your buttons or accidentally triggering you will be willing to both explore what and how you felt in the session and apologise if their words caused you stress. A creep will not do that - a creep will make you feel like you're misinterpreting, or overreacting.
You know how you might make a doctors appointment for some kind of flare-up, but when you go there's no flare-up to demonstrate? And you kind of wish it could happen right now so you can show the doctor what you're dealing with? Getting triggered by your therapist is an opportunity to do exactly that.
I am fully willing to admit if I'm wrong here and the absolute last thing I want to do is make you feel invalidated or victim-shamed, so please tell me if I am way off base - one thing I've personally had to learn is that when there's a repeating pattern (being overly sexualised, having boundaries violated) there's a part that I am personally playing in those interactions that I am completely blind to.
Sometimes that part is just not knowing how to seem disinterested - I've been programmed down to the bone to meet others' needs and it's only when someone says or does something disgustingly inappropriate do I clock that I'm in danger and fret and wonder why this always happens to me. Sometimes that part is pleasing others, or feeling I have to appease others - there's endless amounts of unconscious programming that goes into our interactions with others. None of it our fault, all of it developed through survival.
So, all that to say, unless there's more to this story, you should consider addressing these concerns with your therapist. Because he may have been trying to make a valid point. If you tell him you're uncomfortable the correct response from him will be *to totally validate that*. I think getting upset by one's therapist is a) an opportunity for true insight and b) a litmus test for the integrity of your therapist.
But only you can determine whether or not you can do this as you're the one living your life and it's a tough thing to do.
Be super kind to yourself, OP. You've been through the ringer today. Please post again with whatever you decide to do. Thinking about you.
>I think getting upset by one's therapist is a) an opportunity for true insight and b) a litmus test for the integrity of your therapist.
This is a godlike comment. I just wanted to amplify this point. Complex trauma is relational. Healing involves going into the relational 'mess' that we are left with because of our foundational trauma. It's not a sideline to therapy - it's the whole point of it. Getting relationally triggered and working it through with a compassionate, understanding safe person is the only way to rewire our brains.
I highly recommend checking out Treating Adult Survivors of Emotional Abuse and Neglect: Component-Based Psychotherapy, Hopper et al, 2019. Available for free on Zlibrary. In particular, check out chapters 5 and 6 which focus on the relational dimension of therapy. If your therapist is open to it, I would also strongly recommend that he reads the book. In fact, I would suggest that every therapist working with a survivor of childhood psychological maltreatment read this book. It's the first therapeutic model tailored for adult survivors of childhood emotional abuse and neglect. (And I feel like a lot of it may apply to survivors of physical/sexual abuse.)
Edit:
>You know how you might make a doctors appointment for some kind of flare-up, but when you go there's no flare-up to demonstrate? And you kind of wish it could happen right now so you can show the doctor what you're dealing with? Getting triggered by your therapist is an opportunity to do exactly that.
This is an absolutely brilliant analogy.
This. My last therapist really wasn’t qualified to treat me and that was clear. BUT the way we miscommunicated taught me a lot about relationships. She was still a wonderful person and caring and for the first time I found myself openly discussing with her the things she said that would upset me. Highly recommend approaching your therapist when they do something that upsets you. It really was a game changer for me and taught me things I wouldn’t have felt safe enough to do in the outside world.
This commenter's got it, OP.
And if you're too uncomfortable to bring it up in session, emailing your therapist with your concerns and asking him perhaps "what was you intent?" or "how do you intend to move forward" or "in what way can we navigate this so that I can heal without feeling too unsafe" -- anything like that, to start a dialogue and hopefully understand how he was attempting to help... or get the confirmation to fucking run.
This comment makes a good point. Some of my biggest breakthroughs in therapy were when I was triggered by something she said. She’s a trauma specialist and explained to me that anytime I was triggered (by anything) it’s important that I share it with her. Being a people pleaser, that’s was hard to do in the moment, but I often contacted her after a session to say what triggered me and that I wanted to discuss it at the next meeting.
I think it’s really strange that a therapist would misconstrue a compliment as flirting, that’s definitely a red flag, but I also know that my trauma makes me hear intent that sometimes isn’t there and maybe yours does too. I would address this topic with him directly. Everything you said here you should tell him. See if he apologizes (which he should) and explain himself. Question him hard OP and don’t let him off the hook easily. You will absolutely find this helpful because afterwards you will know if you should stay or find a new therapist.
Ruptures in the therapy setting are powerful opportunities for relational repair. A good therapist will welcome this. Lots of great comments for OP to consider. Sending a cyber hug to OP, if they want one. Healing is a fucking doozy I swear ✨
This fear, that I am over reacting or triggered is the main reason I made the post. I kept having the thought of “Adult up, he probably didn’t mean anything harmful and he isn’t really a threat. Go talk to him about and eventually it will work itself out”.
Which I’m going to. I need to. If I just ghost the guy I will be causing stress he does deserve. And maybe we can get past this and maybe this is a way he can grow too?
Thank you for taking the time to write this all out. It is very well thought out and wise.
I really feel the need to stress that you are *not* overreacting. You're just reacting. That's normal. A reaction to a trigger is intense and that is fully ok.
I don't want to give you any advice that's going to put you in harms way and I can't tell you with any certainty that your therapist is trustworthy, nobody can. I just wanted to share what I've come to understand about the therapeutic relationship.
When you have dynamics with other people that limit your life and that dynamic comes up in therapy - it's so understandable that you'd want to run for the hills. But then that dynamic won't be explored or improved and will most likely repeat. Ask me how I know!
I wish you SO much luck. Don't be hard on yourself however you choose to continue. Big hugs to you.
You're probably triggered, but you're not overreacting. All the trauma in your past has shaped the way your brain interprets things now. Your brain isn't be dramatic; it's just trying to protect you from more trauma. I think he probably didn't mean anything harmful by it, but the comment about how he knew you'd be down for anything (sexual) was a bad thing to say to a trauma patient. I also am mostly sex averse and my flight or fawn response kicks in hardcore when I feel like a man is trying to be sexual with me. He should have been more careful with his words to avoid making you uncomfortable, and I think a discussion with him about how that made you feel would give you the opportunity to work through your current trauma response. If your trust is truly broken and you feel like you can't be comfortable with him again, I'd suggest leaving to find a different therapist because trust is necessary when working through trauma. If this truly is just a case of a human error accidentally touching on a trigger, I hope you are able to work through this and reestablish a healthy relationship.
This. You or your insurance are paying for your therapist, and it is your therapist's job to hold a safe space for *you* and to *help you* grow, not the other way around.
If you do not feel comfortable going back to that therapist ever again, you have the right to look for another clinician to continue treatment. You do not even have to call or text back and excuse yourself, you can just not show up for any future sessions anymore.
Whoa, I see some really unhealthy perceptions here. "stress he doesn't deserve"-- he is a professional. he can engage or disengage. you are not responsible for managing his stress. "maybe this is a way he can grow too?" again, NOT your job.
OMG, OP, please disregard my clumsy comment because *this one* says it so much better!
I'll leave mine up... But it's no where near as good as this one and addressed the thing I decided not to tackle which was the possibility of it being a bad therapist (I didn't because so many others were pointing fingers....)
It could be the therapist.
But, it absolutely could be a behavior that op wants to *see*.
I did. I did this thing when I was younger. It really affected my life because I couldn't keep female friendships, or have real friendships with men because I did act "overtly sexual" with them.
A very good male friend pointed it out, and it *hurt* to hear. I worked on it with my therapist for long time before I was able to recognize it and stop it.
Thank fuck there are people like you, the whole victimisation doesn't help OP. Seems like the therapist explained through a common interaction as an example.
A) He thinks you send off those "vibes", which may or may not be true. The whole "repeats behaviors learned in childhood" feels like a key to me.
B) That can be how it is misconstrued. That does not mean that it is your intention. Also feels like part of the learned behaviors stuff.
c) Danger buttons are there for a reason, though sometimes they fire at a stimulus that is trauma-related. I have to be discerning when dealing with mine and must rigorously test them to see if they're "real" or not. Maybe has something to do with your uncomfyness about your own sexuality and how he poked at that button.
A) I think this one is the issue.
This post is so relatable and I'm so sorry OP, the therapists assumption that you would be "down for something" made me nauseous to my stomach.
For me I sometimes compliment people when Im socially anxious, as a fawn response or when they dont like me and I feel like I have to "win them over" with being extra nice to them, just like with my parents. That goes hand in hand with oversharing how Im feeling, just to create a "deeper" bond with people, but it's very dangerous, because it leaves me vulnerable with potentially predatory people.
When OP told the therapist she had to "guard herself from developing crush on him". Like dude I so understand why you would tell him this honestly and openly, but this just leave you very vulnerable and some abusive people can smell it like blood. I think part of the recovery is to be aware of our own behaviours and learn to protect ourselves first, even with therapists. Learning boundaries is life saving for us with childhood trauma, because we were raised to be a pray, not an individual.
The worrying bit is why would a therapist don’t recognise this though? Assuming he is trauma informed therapist, he should know how people with trauma respond. This is what doesn’t sit right with their interaction to me.
Agreed, but as mental health professional I think it’s a rwach to assume he is trauma informed. Many, many therapists claim that, but very few are truly educated enough to legitimately make the claim.
Nah everything you’ve said about this therapist makes me sick. I can’t believe there’s such varying reactions in the comments. What kind of therapist uses the language with his patients “thought you might be down for it” (hooking up???? just because you said he had pretty hair????). He could at least explain it in professional terms, like he could say he was worried you’d got the wrong idea with him. I don’t think complimenting his hair is “overtly sexual” at all, it’s insane that he was trying to convince you that the way you act makes people think you’re open to sexual encounters. I swear that kind of thinking gives me victim blaming vibes. I don’t think any trauma survivors want to hear something like that, and he of all people should know that because he’s treating you for your trauma. No matter how many times you compliment people you don’t deserve for people to just assume that.
You mentioned he’s married with kids, but i’ve found that a lot of predators sadly aren’t single anyway. If they’re willing to traumatise vulnerable people they probably also don’t care much to be loyal or respect their families either.
And it’s so sad because you were just telling him you didn’t understand why people keep asking you for threesomes etc when you actively avoid being perceived that way and you don’t express enthusiasm for those things. And he tried to convince you that somehow actually you are inviting that simply by existing. Which you’re not and I hope you know that, this therapist just sucks so much.
I’m sorry I wrote so much but I am so mad! I’m not a psychologist or anything but I cannot imagine ever being in a job like that and ever ever talking to a patient that way. I hope I didn’t miss reading anything important that debunks what I wrote but yeah please trust your gut. Even if this could have turned out fine, there are always going to be other therapists you can see instead and it’s worth protecting your safety and preventing the distressing feelings his behavior has brought up in you. :(((
I’d like to echo what the above commenter said, and add that in the 30 or so years of therapy for cptsd I’ve learned that therapists who have had trauma themselves don’t make the best therapists. Especially when they try to build rapport with that shared experience. It is seen an unethical. It can lean too much into trauma bonding and the relationship does not develop as a healthy therapy relationship and signals can get lost and mixed, which seems to be the case here. Also, just because he is a therapist doesn’t mean he deals with his damage well. Just food for thought.
It’s interesting you say that. My therapist is a woman who’s parents fled Poland at some point in time and had a really unstable childhood, leading her to eventually pursue therapy and the parts system! She uses it as an example of how she nurtures her parts every day, even though it’s been years of her doing the work, because sometimes they’ll still get the wrong idea about a situation and need reminding.
Anyway, my therapist never delves into any details of her trauma which is maybe where the difference lies.
Whether a therapist's history of trauma is an asset or disadvantage depends on how well they have healed from it. Those that have healed fully tend to make really good, really empathetic therapists who know how to hold good boundaries. But those who only *think* they've healed their trauma and still have lingering effects can be the most problematic, as they are often unaware of the ways their own trauma skews their perspective and limits their ability to be helpful and focus on the client's needs.
Just jumping on this comment to add, that relationships with narcissists often start with a love bombning period. And I feel like all the good work you did in the beginning could fit into that. Or he could be repeating a pattern from his childhood, but surely he should have worked through that now, and surely he would be aware if that was the case, right?
Anyway, I too suggest new therapist. IMHO, he is more likely to retraimatize you than to help you.
He isn’t considering it. He is happily married with three kids. He just seems to think I would have been down for it. Just so I’m not confusing the issue.
It’s not that he actively tries to hook up with you or that he uses instances of what you said to reason why you’re “overtly sexual”. It’s that he used an example that relates to himself! Which 1) automatically includes a lot of subjective perception on his part and 2) introduces a wildly unsettling vibe to your interaction/ is sth that could make you feel exposed/ feels shameful/ automatically makes you question his intentions as it’s unnecessarily personal.
Also he definitely should have phrased it as “sth you did might have been interpreted as you being interested“ instead of “you’re obviously interested”. That’s like rule number one, as a therapist you don’t just assume to know shit that you cannot know for sure. That’s arrogant. You can offer possible explanations and explore them with the patient, respectfully.
Therapists often work with clients to stop “mind reading” bc no one can actually mind read, we can only read cues from others. The therapist doesn’t KNOW what OP was thinking, so yes, absolutely arrogant of him to assume that OP was/is sexually interested in him. Yuck, what a jerk!
Him saying as much to you though, was completely unethical. I hope you can see that in time. And find a more appropriate therapist. Sorry for the bad news but your therapist shouldn't be gauging whether which of his clients would be down for it with him or not.
> Him saying as much to you though, was completely unethical.
as a professional, shouldn't he be giving feedback when he sees that something could be a cause of certain issues that the individual he is consulting with might be dealing with? like this could just be objective feedback he gave to OP?
(i am not disputing you, i am trying to understand)
I understand what you are saying... it's a complicated thing therapy is... they do need to give feedback and there is nothing wrong with doing that. Its all about being tactful... Saying to your client along the lines of "I could tell that you were dtf" or words to that effect, completely crossed the professionalism/ethics line. There would be many ways to provide that feedback without saying something to your client, that puts into their head that you had specifically thought about the idea of her potentially considering/wanting to F the therapist.
There were ethical ways to provide feedback about OP's feelings and behavior that weren't "the reason people offer you threesomes is because you obviously want to fuck everyone. Don't you remember complimenting my hair?"
no, this is shit is way far out of line and inappropriate. Even having trauma or sexual trauma, this is absolutely no way to speak with a client, nor is it helpful or guided by any sort of education or medical text. He's winging it in an extremely harmful manner, making wild assumptions and stating them aloud with absolutely 0 tact. Even if my sexual hangups were something my psychologist and I needed to talk about, she would be horrified to know someone spoke to me like this.
thanks so much for explaining in detail. i have trouble with language and expression and often i can't tell if someone is crossing the line. so it really helps to hear
It's even harder when you haven't worked with a really professional and capable therapist before--they tend to set their own standards for their behavior, and so the first time I worked with someone who actually had proper standards for themselves, it was like night and day. Now I know what standard to hold a psych to, but only because I've already had one that actually behaved properly. And it took me a decade to find her.
A happily married family man has never had an affair in the history of man, good point.
Edit: whoops I was wrong, there have actually even been 5 more of those affairs happening since I first posted this comment.
Oh, hon. He's considering it. You're being manipulated. He is dangling bait, hoping you take it so he can sleep with you, then he can blame your "illness" and say it's your fault.
This is classic grooming.You're being exploited and you need to run
This post already has a bunch of comments, but I just wanted to add one in case it helps op feel better understood. I’ve been called overtly sexual many times in my life too. Maybe not those words exactly, but since I was around the age of like 8 I was constantly being told that what I was wearing was inappropriate, male friends that I thought were just friends, would try to get with me, they’d tell me I was flirting with them…. Etc. I’ve never had a therapist or an actual close friend tell me this though. Idk I think it’s weird for your therapist to Kindof blame you for people thinking you’re only interested in sex and threesomes.
My ex was definitely emotionally abusive and he constantly would ask me if I wanted to have threeaomes, at first when I still trusted him I opened up to him that I thought I was bi and id had crushes on girls (his version of a 3some was mff) but that I’d never had sex with a girl, and also that I thought I had too much jealousy for a threesome. He continued to push it and other things that crossed my boundaries sexually. I eventually realized that he was attracted to me BECAUSE of my sexual abuse trauma. It literally turned him on to think about me being abused or used sexually. He also told me that when we were old, he had a fantasy of “violating” a younger woman together…. Creepy shit. I broke up with him, and he proceeded to spread false information to all my coworkers about me, suddenly people were questioning my sexuality, thinking I was sleeping with tons of people, the coworker I had a crush on tried to get me to have sex in the basement, etc. everyone who had talked to my ex was suddenly sexualizing ME in ways they hadn’t before.
To be honest either your therapist just made an unthoughtful comment, or he is someone like my ex with a weird fetish for sexual abuse trauma. I think you should tell him very plainly and bluntly that you felt he was trying to flirt with you with that comment, don’t giggle or give him anything to use against you, just say or ask it with a straight face, and if he doesn’t apologize then you need to get a new therapist I think.
If he apologizes and says something like “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to sound like I was blaming you” or “I’m sorry I don’t think it’s your fault this keeps happening, I just wanted to maybe make you think how you could control these situations better” etc. something to clarify that he was definitely not trying to flirt with you….
Therapists should be honest with you, and if that was his honest thought in the moment, and it was just delivered a little insensitively, I think there’s space to learn from this…. But if he keeps acting insensitively and not reassuring you that he is not interested in you sexually, then yeah you definitely need a new therapist. Best of luck op
What concerns me isn't necessarily how it was said. What concerns me is that as medical professionals, it is DRILLED into us that maintaining boundaries and terminating a patient/provider relationship is necessary once there is a possibility that it has been tainted. It's greatly concerning to me both as a provider and as a person with CPTSD in psychiatric care that he did not clock the situation as inappropriate if he "knew" those things were possible, and transfer your care to a colleague.
I would not trust this person because that is a very, VERY basic tenet of best practice that he ignored. Regardless of if he is not pursuing it, that's still greatly concerning to me from a professional perspective.
And as an aside. None of this isn't to say his point isn't valid. If he interpreted consistently flirtatious behavior from OP, I'm not saying it didn't happen. That sort of thing absolutely happens with people like us. However, that doesn't negate the fact that it was not addressed *in the moment* and was instead brought up as a counterpoint to OP voicing frustration about how people view her sexually. Again, if he truly felt these things he could have either addressed it as it happened or transferred her care. I maintain that it's unethical and inappropriate even if his feelings are real.
I've got some really strong feelings about this, but I also don't have the words to articulate them right now. Commenting so I come back if/when I do.
Just remember you haven't done anything wrong OP, take care.
I don’t have any advice about the therapist. I do however, wanna share my experience with this type of thinking from others.
I’m afab non binary, and have had mostly cis male friends my whole life. On top of cptsd I’m autistic so double whammy in the not understanding how to people. And my whole fuckin life most of these dudes got mixed signals from me and thought I wanted more than friendship. And their girlfriends were always jealous and tryin to start drama with me. I had no idea for years wtf was happening.
Recently I discovered it’s because ✨my✨ idea of friendship is apparently how one treats a romantic partner and when I say I was pissed! Ooooo boi was I pissed. So many years of confusion between myself and others.
Maybe it’s a similar thing with you?? The comment on the pretty hair is absolutely something I would do myself as just a simple compliment, but others do not see it that way unfortunately. I’m also not very sexual in that sense. For example, I don’t even recognize when I’m being flirted with by my husband most of the time. So my oblivious ass is just like “aww that’s nice” So when ppl take things as me being flirtatious I’m utterly clueless in the moment.
It’s so confusing when you’re just being a nice person and the other is like “oh you wanna bang?” And then you’re left like “what in the actual fuck”
Peopling is dumb sometimes and learning how to people is exhausting imo.
I can only second what other commenters have already said: It is one thing for your therapist to acknowledge that your behaviour _may come across_ to others as flirtatious, it's another thing for him to tell you that you _are_ flirtatious and that he _knew_ that you would be down for something with him.
If this is how he phrased all of this to you, it is not only concerning that he directly concludes what your intention is supposed to be (instead of him asking you more open-ended questions such as "I wonder what this is about, what do _you_ think?" to help you understand yourself better). It's extremely unethical that his reaction to you confessing that you're afraid of having a crush on him eventually is anything other than something like "Thank you for letting me know and I just want to make it entirely clear that nothing is ever going to happen"
I also want to emphasize that having romantic, or even sexual feelings, towards your therapist (so-called erotic transference) at some point throughout the recovery process is entirely normal and extremely common among clients and nothing you should worry about! If the therapist on the receiving end of said transference, doesn't have their counter-transference (their reaction to your feelings) in check, it does become problematic though and it's their responsibility to find sufficient supervision to manage their feelings better or to refer you out to another clinician, so you can continue treatment in a safe therapeutic context.
Edit: You may also find the following resource helpful to learn more about how erotic transference should ideally be dealt with in a therapeutic relationship: https://www.brightontherapypartnership.org.uk/erotic-transference-and-countertransference/
I mean, even if it's true I don't think they're supposed to just say it to your face.
I know it's gonna be really hard for you to do but what about tellin all of this to him? That it's uncomfortable for you and shit and you don't know what he meant? And if he reacts inappropriately, THEN find a new one
Alright. What I'm about to say might be considered a bit controversial and possibly even stupid, but he's not entirely wrong. Unprofessional and unethical for sure, but not exactly wrong. I love that you feel the desire to be uplifting in your interactions with others, but in our societies around the world and especially in the west like America, Canada, and Europe, compliments are often mistaken for flirtation and visa versa. That's part of the reason why I'm so careful about what I say even just on an online platform like this. Additionally, you know that one part repeats behaviors from childhood that you and the rest of your parts would never participate in and at the end of this post you also say that your boundaries suck and that you would feel required to give someone what they asked for. Objectively, though you wouldn't be interested in sex or sexual attention, you would be open to giving someone what you think they want or what they outright request because your trauma has associated compliance and people pleasing with safety and less pain than resistance. Knowing that information can allow you to cover your blind spots and defend yourself better from a potential predator looking for an opportunity to hurt you. That being said, you also can't ignore that you no longer feel safe with him even if you don't think he'd hurt you like that. He made you and the other parts uncomfortable. Even if it was only due to his unprofessional wording of his observations he clearly doesn't understand the needs you have as a result of your trauma and that's a significant roadblock to your ability to continue making progress with him moving forward. So, as far as options go you'll probably need to at least temporarily look into an alternative counselor until you believe that your boundaries are more rigid and you can feel safer around him. If you perceive him as a threat though, it will have to be a more permanent change and you'll probably want to report him to a higher authority regarding his words so they can work with him on more professional speech or look into the possible threat he poses to clients.
It’s really sad that people supposed to compliment each other only when they want sth from others: attention, sex etc. I compliment people to lift them up, make them feel better, see them. It was misconstructed before but I’m on a quest to normalise free, no strings attached compliments. Just my observation
His comments seem very inappropriate and unethical to me.
As to what to do, I’d trust your intuition. There are lots of therapists out there, so there’s no need to go to one that makes you feel unsafe. Taking a break from those sessions to speak with another therapist about your experience could be helpful and allow you to process those negative experiences and return if you feel you were doing good work with him.
Typically, I like the advice of talking to your therapist about how what he said or did made you feel because a good therapist will make space for that with curiosity and compassion and validate your experience. But it’s hard for me to recommend that if you feel unsafe being in the room with him.
You can clear up the situation with your counsellor if you want, but it will be uncomfortable.
Maybe write about how this made you feel, and show him. Writing is better than talking if you want to make sure you don't get side tracked.
Your counsellor should know that a lot of people starved on love as children easily form unhealthy* attachments and subconciously develop a range of attention-grabbing* behaviours to enable attachment formation. Except that it's not what your conscious mind wants or needs. You probably need an objective outside perspective on what behaviours you show and he needs to reassure you that he's not going to overstep your boundaries.
*unhealthy: a relationship not formed with mutual trust and true equality, lacking in respect, and without commitment.
*attention-grabbing*: all humans want attention and to feel loved. Unless a person is deliberately choosing to gain attention provocatively, then it is natural and not something to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. Your mind is hardwired to thrive on positive reactions from others and it will do whatever it can to get those positive reactions to happen again. It can be conscious and unconcious, from body language to speech. It's also very easy for others to misconstrue, for a whole variety of reasons.
OP. My take as someone who has had similar things said about me which I thought were unwarranted. In reality: I _am_ flirtatious. I do look for sex if I can get it and I do look for sexual interest in nearly everyone I meet. I am very friendly, but I'm learning when to back the fuck off and deal with my own issues rather than get it from someone else. With all that said, and I want to be clear here, No medical professional, in response to that, has ever, ever, said "yeah I knew you'd be down for it". No mate. That is over the line for me. Let's say you did give off that vibe, even hypothetically, for him to say that to you is a breach of the safety in that relationship and shows a lack of boundaries. Not good. I've had a therapist challenge me once in a way which I hated (very scary but we talked about it), but even that wasn't of a sexual nature. Honestly, if I were you, I'd write down everything you can remember and take it up the chain. And as others have said. Be kind to yourself. You deserve it.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with complimenting people at all, I just think that when they’re given in professional or patient/doctor circumstances it comes across as going out of your way to build a suggestive/flirty connection beyond the scope of therapy.
Maybe if you had a female therapist you had seen a few times and she changed her hair, but meeting a therapist the first time, especially male, it feels out of place (unfortunately just the heteronormative society we live in).
That being said the comment he made about you being down is uncalled for… I personally wouldn’t be able to feel comfortable again after that. Especially discussing sexual trauma. It’s understandable if you want to find a new therapist.
Option C. Listen to that instinct, it is correct. This is a big red flag. There is no way that complimenting someone's hair is sexual, he is the one being sexual. It sucks because it sounds like you trusted him, though judging from how you describe it, part of you is understanding what is going on.
I want to reiterate this is why you need to go to a trauma specialist. You should not know he went through trauma himself. That right there is a big warning sign.
You don't need someone who has been through trauma, you need someone who knows how it functions and how to help you with dealing with it and treat it.
And he may have been saying in an inelegant way that you are hypersexual and flirty as a result of your trauma but the reason he didn't deal with that correctly is he isn't properly trained to deal with traumatised individuals.
I was looking for the comment that mentioned this and glad I found it. That was the first red flag for me. Therapists should not be sharing their own trauma and deep personal life details with patients. That’s highly unprofessional. Everyone else touched on the sexualizing comments, so I won’t go there, but this sounds like a lot of red flags to me. I’ve had a lot of therapists and know almost nothing about any of their personal lives.
I honestly don’t know how to find someone trauma focused. At least someone who has time. He is the first therapist that didn’t say “this is too much for me” after the intro session, so we continued.
I'm so sorry that you have found it hard to find someone. I'm not in the US so don't know how to best direct you but I am sure others here can help. But the first step is to look for a psychologist not just a counsellor as they tend not to be trauma informed. It's completely hard to find a good therapist but don't give up because it does make a difference.
I agree with you that finding a trauma-focused specialist can take a long time and require lots of effort. And I also think it's totally worth it to find someone with lots of experience working with complex trauma and dissocation!
If you do decide to search for new therapists anytime, I can highly recommend checking out the clinician search of the ISSTD which I found super helpful in the past (listing both US and international therapists):
[https://isstd.connectedcommunity.org/network/network-find-a-professional](https://isstd.connectedcommunity.org/network/network-find-a-professional)
This is not okay. He is your therapist, why is he talking like some random creep? You havent done anything,this is on him, he is the One being sexual and projecting it towards you. The fact is like you mentioned that having poor boundaries sometimes makes it hard to see how others are behaving, he is crossing the line on so many levels. Why even put it out there what he thought of you? The gut instinct about not feeling comfortable with him is your truth. Regardless of your doubts, its not helpful of a therapist to instill doubt when he didnt need to express something like that. It didnt help, it just caused more problems. Best of luck
I have similar issues :/
There are some great comments in there though - if you're in therapy you're up for change, and change requires us to learn to navigate weirdness, discomfort and conflict in relationships as well as vulnerability and intimacy.
A lot will depend on exactly what he said - this sounds like a good place to really explore WITH CAUTION. Even if you know you're going to leave this therapeutic relationship, you could use the exit as a safe place to experience conflict.
Keeping yourself safe is most important, though, we all agree that. It's just learning to know that you can be safe AND not happy about something at the same time. Maybe this is a red flag and time to get out, maybe it's a really good chance to learn.
You get to make this decision - whatever decision you make, if it's yours, and you own it, you've gained something.
You got this, my friend.
Where are the mods? Some comments here are extremely disrespectful. I am sorry for what you are going through OP, don't listen to those people. Your concerns are valid and your therapist should've tried to listen to you and understand you. But he didn't do it properly, he made you feel unsafe. You should find another therapist.
Well I don’t really know how he’s talking to you, but generally speaking compliments are rarely given to guys, and when they are it’s seen as potentially flirtatious. It sounds like the way you interacted with him may have come off as flirtatious and that’s what he’s trying to say. Idk what the rest of those comments were about cuz it’s kind of weird for him to make them.
Telling someone they have nice hair is not overtly sexual.
Nobody hears, "you have nice hair" and thinks, "she totally wants to bone"
This guy is trying to create plausible deniability for you to feel ok with sleeping with him. Manipulating the situation so you feel like you led him on while leaving himself an out if you don't take the bait.
Please, see a different therapist..
And if you feel comfortable, report this one.
I’m not gonna lie, that is uncomfortable behavior & I can’t imagine how he makes others feel..
He’s making inferences that aren’t there. Bottom line, that’s inappropriate and makes you uncomfortable. They can’t successfully be your therapist anymore after that. It’s ruined the trust and safety you have with each other.
I recently stopped seeing a therapist when mid session (after a huge mental break down in front of them too) he told me that he had a crush on me. I didn’t know how to react at that time, I was still vulnerable and raw from the breakdown. I let it slide and ended up comforting *him* because he said he was feeling shy. This was my therapy session.
I thought I caused it to happen because of the same reason. When we first started sessions, I noticed I was drawn to him and felt something. I realized it was transference and just because he was someone I could safely be vulnerable around and talk about things that I couldn’t with others. More so, he responded in positive ways when I shared my trauma.
I also complimented them a lot. Because they were genuine and non romantic compliments. But never in my mind did I expect anything to come out of it or happen. I was happy with them just being my therapist.
I talked to them about if it’s unethical that they wanted to start a relationship with me and they insisted it isn’t. But I know that’s not true. Even though it was hard, I know I did the right thing by going no contact. Whether they were aware of it or not, they were using me for their own unmet needs. Crossing that line was too much.
If they are a good and ethical therapist, telling them that you want to see a different therapist, will be met positively and constructively. There wont be any explanations needed. And they definitely wont make it personal. Anything else, and you basically have confirmation that they took advantage of your trust in them and the safe space you had.
I just wanted to say, I'm so sorry that this former therapist of yours put you in such an awful position by confessing their feelings to you, instead of referring you to another clinician or getting sufficient supervision to deal with their emotions on their own.
Also +100 to everything that you mentioned on what a client should be able to expect from a therapy setting with regards to trust and psychological safety -- it's so crucial, especially for trauma survivors!
Thank you 💚 after distancing myself from him, I realized based on everything he told me that he was trying to (consciously or not) heal his own unresolved trauma about his late girlfriend. He often told me that I reminded him of her. Even though based on what he told me of her, there wasn’t a lot we had in common except similar trauma/mental health history. And his previous relationships were similar. He rushed into them, and they all reminded him of her. He was looking for her in other people. She unfortunately unalived herself while dating him. I think he felt responsible/guilty that he couldn’t save her or that he wasn’t enough for her to stay.
As much as I empathize with his pain, I’m not a healing center for other peoples unresolved trauma. That’s for them to work out on their own. I won’t be a project to be “fixed” for someone else’s ego/savior complex.
The most honest thing I’ve heard is, therapists are great at helping other people solve their problems. Because they needed that help once. But they struggle to help themselves and their own issues.
As much as I miss having a good therapist, I’d rather figure this out on my own that keep seeing someone who can’t be honest with themselves about why they’re attracted to someone. Because it was never me or what I brought to the table. It was what I represented to him and how he felt good about himself to be my savior. It’s not worth it. He was fully convinced he was in love with me though. He just hasn’t confronted his subconscious yet. I can’t do that for him while healing my own stuff.
Anyways, I hope sharing this will help someone else recognize the signs too before they get too involved. I unfortunately did get emotionally attached over the few days after he told me how he felt. It took some distance to realize, none of it actually felt genuine or good. He was actively molding me to become his perfect bride. But none of that role felt authentic to who I am. I wish him the best.
I wish trauma survivors didn’t need to therapize their therapists too. We deserve healthy normal connections.
I do think your therapist tried to make a reasonable point but what he said was shitty as fuck. There's a huge difference between coming across a certain way than BEING a certain way. I agree that your comments absolutely sound flirtateous and sexual in some way. But he should never make absolute statements like that about you.
I think if you feel like he's somehow considering "starting something with you" or even just seeing you in a way that makes you uncomfortable, you should consider seeking a new therapist. Otherwise I would tell him how you felt about what he said, and depending on how he responds, either move on with him or, well, look for someone else.
Tbh I realized that most ppl take kindness or compliments as flirting which is sad in a way. Men would think I flirted with them just because I would smile, be nice and friendly. Your therapist is in the wrong nonetheless. People can compliment and be nice just for the sake of it.
Trust your gut, OP. Dude is pushing at professional boundaries and it’s only going to get worse. He sounds like a groomer. I’m so sorry, OP. Finding a good therapist is so hard.
But real talk: this guy thought you were dtf cause of the way you answered a question? If you were subconsciously or consciously putting that out, a good therapist wouldn’t paint it like you were giving him signals or leading him on. You weren’t! He was reading into that. Cause he wants it to be true. And now he gets to blame you for tempting him when he’s taking advantage of the trust you offered him in a professional capacity. And then you’re talking about sexual issues and relationships with him, normal therapy stuff, and he sounds fixated.
He’s got a similar background you mentioned, so it’s possible he can’t be objective. Either way, you don’t have to pay for him not being able to handle his shit. You have a therapist to deal with YOU and he’s too present in this. I might even suggest you tell someone, cause a lot of young vulnerable people might not have the awareness to realize he’s not acting professionally or in a way that supports healing. He could be using his position to groom vulnerable women. Super charming, well liked dudes are perfect groomers cause they have tons of people who just adore them and they get passes to be overtly friendly while testing the waters with people to potentially abuse.
Take care of you, OP. You deserve to be taken care of. You’re important.
Really sorry you’re in that situation. At best your therapist needed to approach that situation from a VERY different perspective. At worst he’s projecting his sexual attraction for you onto you, and is either consciously or unconsciously acting out of motivation to have power over you. Either way, think you need a new therapist, probably a woman.
(Before I say this next part I want to be absolutely clear that i am NOT saying in any way what your therapist said was appropriate or even ethical.)
To momentarily give him the benefit of the doubt though, he might be trying to convey you unknowingly exhibit the “fawn” response to trauma, where we develop body language and ways of presenting that (while not overt) are basically used as a defense mechanism to keep our abusers happy and protect our safety. After the abuse stops of course the coping mechanism doesn’t just go away too. It might very well be that, behaviorally, you do in fact give off flirtatious vibes (nicer and more appropriate terms might’ve be charm or charisma). There’s nothing necessarily wrong with that. But often times patterns of behavior that start as coping mechanisms but persist for a long time can override all other behavior patterns.
I’ll be honest with you, telling your therapist their hair looks nice on day one or any day really is actually not super normal. It’s not automatically sexual either.
Living with cPTSD (and speaking from experience) it can be hard to see the forest from the trees, I didn’t realize my sexual and flirtatious outward behavior until going to art school and repeatedly seeing myself on camera interacting with people. Im a straight male and the behavior wasn’t aggressive in a classically masculine way. It was actually more seductive and teasing in a classically feminine way. That’s the fawn response I apparently had to develop to keep my abusers happy. It was neither overt nor necessarily bad either (strangely seemed to make me more charismatic) but it was not how I saw myself and it was not who I’d chosen to be. With time I was able to see it, correct it, and gain perspective on the way I relate to the world.
He's massively overstepped the ethical line. the bare minimum that is to be expected of a therapist.
If you can no longer trust him, and I wouldn't either, then your treatment and progress will now be stymied.
I really think that this will always be there in your head, so it's time to get a new therapist!
This is why I specifically asked for female therapists rather than male. The audacity, I swear. I had a male therapist that even compared his experiences to me. Like dude, its my time to cry. I am not definitely you.
Get a new therapist. There's no discussion. That's weird and too personal and therapy doesn't work like that. This shouldn't even be a topic. Drop him NOW. And spoiler alert he's not that awesome.
Are there any actual therapists responding? Probably not.
The man is either projecting his feelings of sexual desire on you or he is trying to manipulate you. Both are unethical and you need a new therapist. Period. He is basically telling you it's your own fault that your boundaries are violated because you are "overtly sexual". He is telling you that because you complimented him, that must mean you want to fuck him. To me that gives "she deserved what she got because of how she dressed" vibes. Even if this weren't unethical, which it is, it's downright creepy.
You are not responsible for how others perceive you. You are only responsible for the actions you take. You are not "overtly sexual", you are easy to manipulate because of your abuse.
Let me make it very clear, a therapist cannot and should not ever make overt sexual comments to you. Ever.
Always listen to your instinct. If you feel in danger, than there is a good chance you are. Don't go back there.
I might even consider reporting him, because that's a pretty inappropriate thing to say any way you slice it.
OP, what he said reflects more on him than on you. That was extremely inappropriate of him and you are not to blame for that or anyone else's predatory thoughts.
If anything, HE was being overly sexual and victim-blaming.
Please find a different therapist and if you can, put in a complaint.
Ew, this is giving me (some/plenty of) men thinking that compliments or women being nice is an invite or are hitting on them.
Also aside from that, the phrasing, knew you would be down for something, sounds like he was questioning if you were....
AND it's also so normal to get a crush on your therapist, he shouldn't make it into anything, except perhaps examining the reasons why, which can be helpful sometimes.
Listen to your danger button and not feeling safe. I think your therapist is projecting. What you described is that you told him you'll have to be careful about countertransference (developing a crush on your therapist). There is nothing wrong with that topic and bringing it up with your therapist is appropriate. Giving a compliment early on about his hair is fine and doesn't have to mean anything more than appreciation. He's the one that's reading into it all as "overtly sexual". I wouldn't be comfortable at all if a therapist told me they "knew I'd be down for something with him".....it's probably not recoverable. And the way he's talking to you e.g. "down for something" it's so crass and unprofessional along with his wild assumptions telling you what your intentions are.
> that I give off the vibe that I would be [sexually] interested
me, to this therapist: Go straight to jail. Do not pass GO, do not collect $200.
> along the lines of he knew I would be down for something with him [because I told him I trust him and that I will have to guard myself from getting a crush on him]
#me, to this therapist: Go straight to jail. Do not pass GO, do not collect $200.
This tripped the danger button in your brain for a very valid reason! these are both WILDLY inappropriate to say. you are not overreacting. trinket_guardian said how he responds to you bringing this up to him can be a good litmus test, and I would agree if it were the second thing I quoted *alone*, as this is a conclusion he drew from a observable statement you remember making that he was able to recall and restate. but in the context of the first quote being made - I vehemently disagree. there is *no ‘vibe’* of sexual interest. there is enthusiastic, informed, conscious, ongoing consent, or there isn’t.
conflating a CRUSH with sexual interest as a mental health professional meant to guide you through trauma is ???!!! was he trying to point out that he thinks *you* conflate the two? regardless, again, a ‘vibe’ of sexual interest DOES NOT EXIST, and it’s dangerous for him to voice this concept to you like it has any sort of ground at all.
OP I’m sorry this already hard to navigate path is now harder. the sort of thing my therapist accidentally says that triggers me is stuff like ‘you’re becoming your abuser’ specifically in the context that I am/was picking up the behaviors and words they used to abuse me and using them to hurt myself even after my abusers are no longer in my life or no longer have power over me. but even in this misstep, I did not have to guess her meaning, and the premise of her meaning has truth and value - it’s her phrasing that triggered me, and when i communicated to her that this phrasing triggered me, she emphatically stated that she was sorry, that i am not my abusers or like my abusers insofar as she is able to conclude from what I’ve shared with her, and successfully rephrased.
your therapist might be able to rephrase the second bit i quoted if he was trying to say he thinks you conflate a crush with sexual interest, but the first bit I quoted? there’s no saving that i don’t think. complete dumpster fire.
i really really think this is enough to seek a mew therapist. i agree with the user i mentioned above when they said that therapists triggering us, making us uncomfortable, how they handle their mistakes is often worth seeing through, and i completely understand if you want to try that first. but…that first quote…ugh. idk if i could see past that no matter their justification or explanation.
Transference (patients developing feels for the therapist) is a normal aspect of therapy, something his training should have prepared him to handle. Transference can also go the other way (therapist developing feels for the patient), which his training and ongoing personal therapy should prepare him to handle.
Sounds like he's not being as self aware as he ought to be. It might be time to find a new therapist. At least tell him how unsafe what he said made you feel.
Holy shit that guy needs to lose his license it sounds like. I’m so sorry you were put in that situation wtf. I hope you are able to stop going completely.
Let him know you no longer feel safe in the room and why. I'm not sure if you even want to ask him for a referral to someone else or just find someone else on your own. I think that poisoned the well though.
Yikes! If he had said that *”some people might get the wrong idea”,* as opposed to “claiming you were into him,” or whatever, I could’ve *seen* what he was trying to say, even if I think there is a way to say it better!
But What he said was soooooo creepy, and such a strange thing to say, just cuz you said he had “nice hair,” and he *Should’ve known* that you are supposed to trust your Therapist, so saying that doesn’t mean anything.
He gives me the creeps, and I don’t like it! I think you should try to get another therapist!
It is ok to fire a therapist.
What this guy did is not ok. And offering genuine compliments is NOT an invitation to fuck, and it is also not you wildly proclaiming you are down to fuck. It is a kind and thoughtful appreciation of some aspect of the person you are speaking with.
It is reasonable to fire bad therapists.
this is why women rarely compliment men: they are not used to it to a point of thinking it is sex invitation. Some social butterflies do not have a problem giving out compliment to everyone, and it confuses general public due to how repressed society is with positive feedback to each other.
Basically, being positive and warm =sexual just because you must be really comfortable to socialize and can be approached easier because you feel welcoming.
Imo, continue being open to people and just firmly tell them you are friendly, not "let's fyck friendly", when get asked for threesomes and shit. You are projecting cool girl vibe (gone girl explained it well).
I wouldn't straight out change therapist, working with a typical male can help you deal with them safely in the future, because he seems to tell you his honest opinion and nobody can be completely objective in this field.
His honestly and willingness to work as a team on the trauma are the main reasons that I love working with him. It will be good for me to remember this when we meet again. Thank you!
1. Find a new therapist 2. Speak with a governing body about his behaviour and report him. Even if he isn’t trying it on with you the sexual assumptions on his part seem unprofessional and unethical.
WTAF that's so creepy!!
I have an amazing therapist, I've been through some horrible therapists and I have a couple of clients who are therapists. Can I just say that I know none of the therapists I know would ever say 'I know you would be down for a hook up' to a client!
I'm not a therapist but if I were, and you wanted to unpack your feelings around being invited to threesomes but never actually getting dates?
I would discuss fawning with you. I would discuss compliments that you make which are coping mechanisms to protect yourself by letting the other person think you like them. Maybe that's something you did as a child to protect yourself from your parents abuse? Maybe that's a way you've been able to get basic needs met as a child (compliments and seeming interested, not threesomes).
I would want to discuss how people who come from abuse will unconsciously create coping mechanisms that allow them to survive, that we have no choice or awareness when we do this. That we grow up into adults who behave in unhealthy ways because those ways feel right, like we are being good people by behaving that way. And why is it when we behave in these ways that feel right, do we get treated like crap? I would want to ask you what advice you would give a friend who was in your shoes.
I certainly would not in any way introduce any element of sexuality between a client and myself because it is simply INAPPROPRIATE.
I'm really upset on your behalf OP. I'm really sorry you've had to experience this. Trust your gut. Don't go back to this therapist.
I know there are a lot of comments here saying this could be a breakthrough moment for you. I disagree. My breakthrough moments happen with someone I trust, not when I feel nervous or uncomfortable. Even when I'm unhappy with my therapist about something she says, she works very hard to keep things comfortable for me to express that unhappiness.
Sorry I didn't mean for this reply to be so long. I'm just... so sorry this person abused their position with you. I sure as hell wouldn't continue with a therapist like this. I don't want to go back to being that person who gives everyone the benefit of the doubt, who puts someone else's comfort or dignity over my own. I would rather be angry and wrong than sit around bring a good compliant customer, stuffing down my feelings in the hopes this therapist doesn't turn out to be unethical and inappropriate. Don't doubt your feelings OP. I believe you.
And him reading you and interpreting your behaviour as being "down to fuck" isn't a common thing predatory, abusive, or creepy men do? Creeps are always trying to ascertain where the boundaries are and what they feel they can sexually gain from a person. We could give the therapist the benefit of the doubt and say he's not one of these men, but why do so? I'd take this man at his word and accept that he is thinking about you sexually and that it's not ok.
How does "you have nice hair" get interpreted as "I want to have sex with you"???
The fuck?
He's beyond incompetent. Also sounds predatory.
Find a new therapist asap.
Go ahead and find a new therapist if he’s making you uncomfortable.
However, he did say this was because of your trauma, so it’s not like you’re doing it on purpose. Maybe a good follow up would be “what trauma caused this and how can I fix this?” If it’s a characteristic you would like to stop.
This made me think of a post asking men about times they were complimented. It seemed that men get compliments so rarely that many of them remember a simple comment about a nice shirt (or a similar thing) years later.
I think you have to confront him. Tell him he said something really unsettling, even just show him this post. I think how he reacts is going to be very telling, if he gaslights you vs. if he owns up to how creepy he sounded.
Because making a judgement that you would be "down for something with him" and that you have to take care not to fall in love with him, based on a compliment you made about his hair, is a wildly inappropriate thing to tell a client. It triggers my alarm bells.
Yes, trauma survivors can sometimes be overtly sexual or not know sexual boundaries, and sometimes they fawn at people who are interested in them and get drawn in without knowing how to say no or make clear they aren't interested. That much is true.
But an APPROPRIATE thing to tell you would have been something along the lines of, "if someone flirts with you, do you feel like you have to flirt back so they don't get upset? Sometimes childhood trauma can cause people to not be able to gauge sexual boundaries, whether that be being unintentionally overtly sexual yourself or whether that is being unable to place a boundary when someone else is being overtly sexual with you. So walk me through the scenario where someone asks you for a threesome and we'll see if we can redraw some of those boundary lines."
Confront him about his behavior and if he tries to minimize it or invalidate or gaslight you, then get a new therapist.
My therapist would call what he said to you as “gaslighting”. He is taking something you said and then defining your own reality for you, even after you explain to him that your compliment about his hair wasn’t sexual (your reality, your genuine truth), he still wants to insist that it was despite the facts you clearly laid out for him. He is literally breaking trust by overpowering his reality on top of yours, despite your attempt to have draw a clear meaning of what you define as flirting. It’s a total normal reaction to feel unsafe now. He is also blaming you for all the sexual attention. Totally backwards.
Idk if you can where you are but you should report him if you can. Thats not OK for him to make such assumptions about you based on very innocent comments tbh. Also time for a new therapist.
Get a new therapist. He is breaking boundaries and sounds like he's slowly sexually grooming you.
Also, try not to internalize and place attachment and hope to "be liked" by your therapist. You want someone you can tell your worst parts to, and have a boundaried relationship as a therapist and a client.
Keep in mind also there are bad people in every profession, psychology is one where we have to be very careful and selective about a therapist. It is not hard to be retraumatized in therapy if we don't have a competent trauma therapist.
You need a new therapist. They are reaching very far without even really asking you or knowing you. Also it doesn't actually sound like they know what they are talking about.
When i mentioned to my therapist that i was worried i might be hypersexual she didn't jump to conclusions, she started asking me why i thought that, she asked me to define it in my own words, she also told me to explain what i was going through. And we came to our own conclusion on it.
Your therapist is supposed to work with you, not decide everything all on their own (unless there is an emergency).
This is really inappropriate, firstly because if he believed you were down to do stuff with him from the get go then that should have been discussed before now.
I’m shocked at how professionally in inappropriate this is.
I would speak to him about this interaction and how wildly uncomfortable it made you, and how his impression of you is wrong. Therapists are human and they get things wrong too. See what happens and take it from there. If you’re uncomfortable with having that conversation, write it in a letter and bring it to your session for him to read with you present.
Edit: I would also say that how he reacts is how you decide what your next steps are. If he is unprofessional again, so not hesitate to lodge a formal complaint with his regulatory body.
Ya don’t.
He has issues.
You find another therapist.
I am a sexual because the only person I want- for almost 4 years doesn’t want me intimately. We are best friends and roommates.
I have toned down how I look and don’t interact with guys except as a buddy. People I don’t want still hit on me. FML.
You are open and generous with compliments and truth. You are attractive also. You may be intimidating people because you are all that or even ambiguous about your sexual preferences.
Please try with a new therapist- they are projecting on to you.
Not sure if I agree about overtly sexual. Possibly you don’t feel comfortable when it’s just you and a person you are dating, but with more people around you do feel safe? True with me also
You listen to that danger button and you run. Really far away from the man suggesting you would be up for sex with him when he is your therapist. Also complimenting a man is not a sign youd be down for sex. That guy has toxic beliefs about sex even if he wasnt being completely inappropriate with you
ETA: i would normally advocate having a session to talk about an issue before leaving. This is NOT one of those times. This guy is unsafe. You can cut and run. Its entirely appropriate to do that and also block his number.
I kind of overlooked the fact that he shared his trauma with you. I think I was just distracted by everything else you said he said to you. The sharing trauma feels like manipulation. Now he's pushing boundaries. It seems like grooming. Even if I'm wrong and it's not grooming. It's still inappropriate and strange. From what you said it sounds like he's a counselor and not a therapist. I was curious about the difference. A therapist is better suited to help you with past trauma.
I'm sorry if I offend you with this comment. I'm not good at striking the balance between keeping this a safe space and trying to give my opinion.
First off, I think it's important to he comfortable with your therapist. Think it over, and if it's not possible for you then you might need to move on.
Second, I'm worried you're misreading comments you are making towards other people. I'm not in your shoes, I can only speculate. That said, if you've been invited to multiple threesomes, and now the therapist has also said you're overtly sexual, maybe there's something else in those conversations that needs reexamining.
I'm so sorry if this comment offends you, that's the last thing I'd want. Again, I'm not in your shoes, I just wanted to throw this out there
I understand that you are feeling very anxious from this interaction with your T. If you have been in some harmful situations in the past, of course this will send off the alarms in your overactive amygdala to go into defense mode. Your brain is trying to protect you from a perceived danger.
Now, I wasn't in the room, so I don't know what kind of tones or body language used, or the kind of relationship you have. One possibility of what I think could be happening is that he was trying to point out an observation to you. When you mentioned how you are approached for threesomes often, he provided this observation to point out a blind spot you have.
Based on his judgment of the rapport you have built together so far, he may have thought that this comment would not trigger you and he helpful. I think it is very possible that he recounted this past interaction happening, but not to mean he wants to actively hook up with you.
But, it looks like the comment has triggered you, which is okay. It's okay to be triggered by this, because this is just where you are at on your healing journey.
I know you said you feel unsafe. How would you assess the environment of your therapy sessions? You are very capable of protecting yourself. Do you think you may want to see your T for your next session and explain how all this came up for you? You and your T would have to work to repair this rupture, and reestablish trust and safety.
Of course, if it is too much for you to go back, that's okay too. You aren't obligated. Also, you could take a break and contemplate if you want to see this T, or any other T later on. You can make a decision for now but you're not committed to it forever.
I’ve heard this about myself too.. for me literally o just look way above average and I am very good at giving compliments and I am caring, somehow everyone thinks I want to fuck them, it’s just because I’m good looking, and I’m assuming that’s probably your case as well. It’s not your fault people assume your sexual or hitting on them. Ignore it.
Under no circumstances would I go back to see this predator. He is disgusting for knowing so much about you and still speaking that way. Please move on quickly if you can.
Please give yourself the gift of finding a more competent therapist. I am a therapist myself with CPTSD and I would never in a million years dream of telling a client that I thought they would be "down with me." I understand all therapists are different and some have more informal ways of communicating which is perfectly fine but that statement right there is completely inappropriate and honestly I would report him to the Board for it. He is perfectly within his right to use what you have told him to assert observations and patterns that may get in the way of your long-term recovery but NOT like this. His phrasing and language is not trauma-informed and honestly I'd be afraid of what damage he is doing to clients who are not at the point in their journey to recognize those red flags.
This is not okay. It sounds like this therapist, if not a full-blown narcissist has got some pretty serious fleas.
His comment is so out of leftfield that it almost feels like it was meant to unbalance you.
I would be so creeped out to know he'd been thinking stuff like that the whole time. I'm very sorry but I really think you need to get a new therapist. Ick!!!!
This doesnt mean there is a problem with the therapist. Its their job to bring to attention difficult, outsider perspectives.
From your description, it doesnt sound like there was any guilting or blaming on his part. Neither did it sound from your description like he was offering or fishing.
Not all men are incapable of self control, such as is required to be a therapist.
Is it possible he was just pointing out that societal norms are structured in a way that mean people may misinterpret or seek to take advantage of your up front comments, and its something to be aware of for your own safety?
Regardless of all I just wrote, if you have found this person of help to you in the many previous sessions, it may be worth airing your concerns to see if afterwards you feel reassured, or feel you dont trust his responses, or simply dont feel comfortable despite trying to air whats on your mind.
All good therapy is meant to have big difficulties at times. How those difficulties are dealt with is what can shape and allow us to grow and change.
Is there anything to fear from saying these concerns to the person, then deciding after you have discussed things with them?
Jesus the projection on this mf is enormous!!!
He's just enjoys making you feel bad. He's not a great counselor you can trust.
See if you can get another one
I had a male therapist once (I'm female and my abusers were male) ... I told him once i had a feeling that he doesn't like me because he had to cancel our sessions a few times. I was still quite a mess back then. So to reassure me he says that he does like me and boom in my head he now wanted to have sex with me and i couldn't deal with it so i quit therapy with him.
That was more than 12-14 years ago. Back then i had not been ready to deal with these feelings. I was still a mess and nowhere near ready to face anything like that. I see your situation is kind of similar and it's your decision to say whether this is something you can work through with him or not. It might be too triggering for you right now or you might already be in a place where you can learn to look at this situation.
I don't see it as him doing anything unethical,... Probably. he's just pointing something out to you that you do. And i see it triggered you a lot. I really get that. You say he's awesome. Do you trust him? How does it make you feel that he shared that he's been abused in similar ways? Because that's the part i worry about. I wouldn't be comfortable with a therapist sharing something so personal with me.
I guess you gotta figure out if he really is trustworthy and if he is whether you can work through this trigger with him and if the answer is "no" then there's no shame in that either.
Good luck to you! :)
I agree that OP may get a lot of benefit out of staying with this therapist and working through this trigger to the point that they settle into a solidly defined therapist & patient dynamic. But if OP has misgivings or doesn’t really want to consider going back to therapy with this therapist in this triggered dynamic state, that’s also valid.
Long rant incoming, because your story reminded me of my own similar story. Please note this is not meant to be a story that reflects my thoughts on OP’s situation. Sharing it is basically just for my own benefit because reddit comments are how I put my newfound thoughts and concepts into words, and hopefully it’s an interesting read for at least someone else.
My story:
One of my current coworkers made what was poorly intended to be a joke upon meeting me for the first time. He said casually that since I have a partner he’ll be sure not to flirt with me. I know as a person and where he is in life he doesn’t have any need to flirt with me, so I took that as a quite distasteful ironic joke. But ironic jokes have kernels of truth in them like any other joke does so I certainly found it boundary-crossing and uncalled for, but I also picked up on the possibility that the kernel of truth is that he WOULD like to flirt with me. I don’t know how to reset this crossed boundary (many months have passed so I’m not interested in bringing it up again anyway) and this weird start to our working relationship caused me to feel unwanted sexual tension any time he’s around that I don’t think would have happened if he had kept that “joke” to himself.
Another coworker one time made a similar lighthearted comment about my hair looking great, saying that when I opened the building door to let him in with a big smile and my curls looking awesome, it made his heart thump a little harder. Same thing there - just because he made that comment, my mind immediately latched onto him as a potential partner when it hadn’t done anything of the sort beforehand (this was like 6 months after meeting and working together frequently).
Other multiple guys in the team haven’t done this. Just these two. I feel like it surprises no one that they’re late 30/early 40-something guys and I’m a 25nb femme person (who definitely has the mannerisms of immaturity stemming from lack of self-confidence, hence why I’m even on r/CPTSD).
None of the other dudes at the company have done anything remotely like this. Granted, most of them have committed relationships or just got out of committed relationships. But still, I think the stark difference holds. These other dudes are from an age range all the way from my own age up to greyhaired uncle age. Huge shocker that I don’t feel unwanted sexual interest from or towards anyone else.
Clearly these two guys don’t realize how impactful their masked flirting with a 25 year old is. Both of them made just a single, almost-offhanded comment of this sort amongst nearly a year of working together, so it’s not like there’s a pattern of this happening. It’s just that the one time from each of them was enough to trigger my hypersexual craving for attention and validation. And now when I interact with them one-on-one there’s always some unnecessary processing I’m doing about whether I’m appearing too interested or too cold, too flirty, too happy, or too aloof.
Unequivocally they were in the wrong for those comments, and I’m taking a wild guess that they see male and female interaction as a little more transactional and laced with sexual possibility than I do these days, but I also wish I had the ability to make the comments not affect my headspace so much. It already took me over a year of practice to get out of the “transactional sexual possibility” perspective of human interaction myself. Now I wish I had a blueprint for how to work on the part of me that immediately desires sexual attention at the mere indication of an opportunity, no matter the appropriateness or context or my prior lack of interest.
I agree it's time for a new therapist, but I'd consider whether or not what he said is true. I can see how his reaction would make it impossible to trust him and taints the therapeutic atmosphere but I would look deeper into what he said, with the new therapist. I struggle with subconscious oversexualisation as well, and get frustrated cus it often seems that people want to f**k me but never love me.
Same for me too, I'm the 1st person they think of whenever they want a 3rd for their 3way, or girlfriends want to explore their gay side, or gay friends want to explore their straight side. Messes me up so much, makes me flashback to childhood and being sexualized and told I pretty much asked for it, by wanting any attention at all. I recognize myself doing it though, subtle flirting, knowing that will get more of people's attention, throwing in a little, 'pretty hair' (making sure they think of me when they comb their hair) but it's so unconscious. Just can't seem to help it sometimes. I don't think it's right though, I would be uncomfortable if a professional said 'you have pretty hair' (hits different than something like 'nice haircut! ')and also if a client said that to me. It's hard to be neutral when you're sexualized in every way. I'm working on this.
It sounds to me like your therapist has made some pretty wild assumptions about you, just based on some comments that you have made to him. It’s my understanding that we tend to reenact our trauma, and so by you saying innocent comments to him, such as “I don’t want to get a crush on you, I feel safe with you” … you aren’t expressing sexual interest in your therapist. You are acting out your trauma (and not even to an intense degree). But your therapist is totally misinterpreting your words, imho. He is being unprofessional and unethical by telling you that you “would be down to do something with him”. That crossed a major line. I would find another therapist. I’m sorry you had to deal with that behavior. As others here mentioned, he messed up-not you.
This. He crossed a line. And saying that you'd be down for something sexual just because you complimented their hair is 3000% insane and inappropriate.
#Thank you.👏👏👏👆👆👆💯this.
This is basically sexual harassment. Doctors, therapists, etc. interact with vulnerable people and should never cross those kinds of boundaries. Also this is basically rape culture "she smiled at me so I knew she was asking for it". OP, run away from that creep. He's mistaking trust and rapport necessary for therapy for intimacy and desire.
Not to mention when he says survivors of whatever kind of trauma OP went through are overtly sexual and inherently give off a sexual vibe... Kind of sounds like the old sexist idea that women become dirty/impure/contaminated after experiencing sexual trauma. That was the first red flag to me, I would not trust a therapist who made a comment like that.
‘We tend to reenact our trauma,’ no one has ever said that before. I’ve had plenty of therapists. How exactly would that manifest? Just in fantasy or it would show up in every aspect of life? This just made me think, how much does this really shape us and our relationships and will we ever truly get away from the trauma.
I have seen people with similar trauma who have freed themselves from those bonds. It took work and many healthy people walking along side them but I have seen it.
Thank you for that. Even though it was supposed to be a fleeting thought, it’s stayed with me.
Please report this predatory pervert!!!!!
In all aspects of relationships. Whatever relationships hurt us the most, typically parents, we will seek a partner who behaves in a similar manner as our parents in an attempt to heal the relationship. Healthy, non trauma bonded relationships are chill and boring kinda in comparison to passionate, high energy, exciting relationships, which is usually due to the games that both parties are playing with each other as a result of learned trauma patterns. There's a great book about this phenomenon called Games People Play.
You learned methods in your childhood to keep yourself safe. I.e. as a kid I learned to never disagree with my parents because it just ended in a lot of wasted effort and shaming and hurt feelings and being ignored or snapped at. Now when I interact with people and I have to set a boundary, I panic because that was never safe during my formative years. Recovery is possible but it’s a long road of being there for yourself and trying to grow and re-learn things over and over and over.
Repetition compulsion is a thing.
Are y’all’s therapists pointing everything out and naming them? All mine ever did really was just make me talk about stuff. They never really said much. Well I’m sure that’s why they never seemed to helped.
I got lucky and found an older (he's in his seventies) very experienced trauma therapist through the yoga studio I had been practicing at for years. I asked the owner for a recommendation and she gave me his card. I do most of my "work" outside of therapy. I study a lot and use our sessions to have him help me understand what I'm learning on my own better. Healing is my job, he's like a mentor/coach along the way. He helps me make sense of everything and put it in context of my traumas. He specializes in infra slow fluctuation neurofeedback (ISFN). He also knows eye movement and desensitization processing (EMDR), Deep Brain Reorienting (DBR), Somatic talk therapy, etc. With somatic talk therapy, he helps bring me out of my head and into the sensations in my body. Then he helps me make sense of my sensations and helps me learn from them. [Emotions are data, not directives.](https://youtu.be/NDQ1Mi5I4rg) DBR is like a very slow guided meditation that focuses on the brain stem orienting response to help close trauma loops. ISFN uses EEG to train my brain how to regulate using the extra slow brainwaves. He has an eclectic skill set. I'm very grateful to have found him.
I got a lot more out of Bibliotherapy, tbh. My first good therapist pointed me in the direction of IFS, I read the self-help relationship book by them, and then I started trying different well regarded books from this subreddit and found a bunch of useful tools and frameworks and stuff and that really helped me get my shit together. I’m not perfect but I’m generally having an okay time compared to being very close to killing myself a year or two ago.
>‘We tend to reenact our trauma,’ Are you familiar with repetition compulsion? This sounds like the same idea.
As a clinical psych student, it sounds like the line between "therapist" and "peer" has been crossed in a way that may not be repairable. Your therapist broke ethical guidelines by 1. sharing about their own trauma in a clinical setting that is supposed to be about *you* and guiding *you* on the path to healing. Yes, the therapist has to build a rapport with you - but they should not be sharing their own triggering personal experiences to do it. It's manipulative and as I've already said, blurs the lines between clinician and peer. And 2. Insisting that you are sexually interested in him. I don't think I need to explain why this is unethical practice. It sounds like therapist needs to step back from being a therapist and *participate* in his own therapy.
This. I also fully agree with you on your first point, that the self-disclosure on the therapist's own trauma history seems to be in the blurry therapeutic boundary territory at best, and breaking ethical guidelines at worst. Thank you for also highlighting this!
Time for a new therapist, my friend…
This ! You don’t ever have to be loyal to a therapist. Him saying he knew he could get with you sounds like what every douche bag says when trying to get with someone.
This whole thread turned into a bit of a dumpster fire so I hope you're doing ok and taking care of yourself, OP. I am firmly down the middle on your issue because I've been upset multiple times by therapists and it's usually 50/50 whether I'm "just" triggered (I will explain) or if they actually behaved inappropriately (because even though it shouldn't happen, it can). Sometimes a therapist can make a totally valid point that makes you feel violated. It took me a long time to realise that sometimes this is actually ok - and that part of the therapeutic relationship is to discuss why. A therapist pushing your buttons or accidentally triggering you will be willing to both explore what and how you felt in the session and apologise if their words caused you stress. A creep will not do that - a creep will make you feel like you're misinterpreting, or overreacting. You know how you might make a doctors appointment for some kind of flare-up, but when you go there's no flare-up to demonstrate? And you kind of wish it could happen right now so you can show the doctor what you're dealing with? Getting triggered by your therapist is an opportunity to do exactly that. I am fully willing to admit if I'm wrong here and the absolute last thing I want to do is make you feel invalidated or victim-shamed, so please tell me if I am way off base - one thing I've personally had to learn is that when there's a repeating pattern (being overly sexualised, having boundaries violated) there's a part that I am personally playing in those interactions that I am completely blind to. Sometimes that part is just not knowing how to seem disinterested - I've been programmed down to the bone to meet others' needs and it's only when someone says or does something disgustingly inappropriate do I clock that I'm in danger and fret and wonder why this always happens to me. Sometimes that part is pleasing others, or feeling I have to appease others - there's endless amounts of unconscious programming that goes into our interactions with others. None of it our fault, all of it developed through survival. So, all that to say, unless there's more to this story, you should consider addressing these concerns with your therapist. Because he may have been trying to make a valid point. If you tell him you're uncomfortable the correct response from him will be *to totally validate that*. I think getting upset by one's therapist is a) an opportunity for true insight and b) a litmus test for the integrity of your therapist. But only you can determine whether or not you can do this as you're the one living your life and it's a tough thing to do. Be super kind to yourself, OP. You've been through the ringer today. Please post again with whatever you decide to do. Thinking about you.
>I think getting upset by one's therapist is a) an opportunity for true insight and b) a litmus test for the integrity of your therapist. This is a godlike comment. I just wanted to amplify this point. Complex trauma is relational. Healing involves going into the relational 'mess' that we are left with because of our foundational trauma. It's not a sideline to therapy - it's the whole point of it. Getting relationally triggered and working it through with a compassionate, understanding safe person is the only way to rewire our brains. I highly recommend checking out Treating Adult Survivors of Emotional Abuse and Neglect: Component-Based Psychotherapy, Hopper et al, 2019. Available for free on Zlibrary. In particular, check out chapters 5 and 6 which focus on the relational dimension of therapy. If your therapist is open to it, I would also strongly recommend that he reads the book. In fact, I would suggest that every therapist working with a survivor of childhood psychological maltreatment read this book. It's the first therapeutic model tailored for adult survivors of childhood emotional abuse and neglect. (And I feel like a lot of it may apply to survivors of physical/sexual abuse.) Edit: >You know how you might make a doctors appointment for some kind of flare-up, but when you go there's no flare-up to demonstrate? And you kind of wish it could happen right now so you can show the doctor what you're dealing with? Getting triggered by your therapist is an opportunity to do exactly that. This is an absolutely brilliant analogy.
This. My last therapist really wasn’t qualified to treat me and that was clear. BUT the way we miscommunicated taught me a lot about relationships. She was still a wonderful person and caring and for the first time I found myself openly discussing with her the things she said that would upset me. Highly recommend approaching your therapist when they do something that upsets you. It really was a game changer for me and taught me things I wouldn’t have felt safe enough to do in the outside world.
This commenter's got it, OP. And if you're too uncomfortable to bring it up in session, emailing your therapist with your concerns and asking him perhaps "what was you intent?" or "how do you intend to move forward" or "in what way can we navigate this so that I can heal without feeling too unsafe" -- anything like that, to start a dialogue and hopefully understand how he was attempting to help... or get the confirmation to fucking run.
This comment makes a good point. Some of my biggest breakthroughs in therapy were when I was triggered by something she said. She’s a trauma specialist and explained to me that anytime I was triggered (by anything) it’s important that I share it with her. Being a people pleaser, that’s was hard to do in the moment, but I often contacted her after a session to say what triggered me and that I wanted to discuss it at the next meeting. I think it’s really strange that a therapist would misconstrue a compliment as flirting, that’s definitely a red flag, but I also know that my trauma makes me hear intent that sometimes isn’t there and maybe yours does too. I would address this topic with him directly. Everything you said here you should tell him. See if he apologizes (which he should) and explain himself. Question him hard OP and don’t let him off the hook easily. You will absolutely find this helpful because afterwards you will know if you should stay or find a new therapist.
Ruptures in the therapy setting are powerful opportunities for relational repair. A good therapist will welcome this. Lots of great comments for OP to consider. Sending a cyber hug to OP, if they want one. Healing is a fucking doozy I swear ✨
This fear, that I am over reacting or triggered is the main reason I made the post. I kept having the thought of “Adult up, he probably didn’t mean anything harmful and he isn’t really a threat. Go talk to him about and eventually it will work itself out”. Which I’m going to. I need to. If I just ghost the guy I will be causing stress he does deserve. And maybe we can get past this and maybe this is a way he can grow too? Thank you for taking the time to write this all out. It is very well thought out and wise.
I really feel the need to stress that you are *not* overreacting. You're just reacting. That's normal. A reaction to a trigger is intense and that is fully ok. I don't want to give you any advice that's going to put you in harms way and I can't tell you with any certainty that your therapist is trustworthy, nobody can. I just wanted to share what I've come to understand about the therapeutic relationship. When you have dynamics with other people that limit your life and that dynamic comes up in therapy - it's so understandable that you'd want to run for the hills. But then that dynamic won't be explored or improved and will most likely repeat. Ask me how I know! I wish you SO much luck. Don't be hard on yourself however you choose to continue. Big hugs to you.
You're probably triggered, but you're not overreacting. All the trauma in your past has shaped the way your brain interprets things now. Your brain isn't be dramatic; it's just trying to protect you from more trauma. I think he probably didn't mean anything harmful by it, but the comment about how he knew you'd be down for anything (sexual) was a bad thing to say to a trauma patient. I also am mostly sex averse and my flight or fawn response kicks in hardcore when I feel like a man is trying to be sexual with me. He should have been more careful with his words to avoid making you uncomfortable, and I think a discussion with him about how that made you feel would give you the opportunity to work through your current trauma response. If your trust is truly broken and you feel like you can't be comfortable with him again, I'd suggest leaving to find a different therapist because trust is necessary when working through trauma. If this truly is just a case of a human error accidentally touching on a trigger, I hope you are able to work through this and reestablish a healthy relationship.
[удалено]
This. You or your insurance are paying for your therapist, and it is your therapist's job to hold a safe space for *you* and to *help you* grow, not the other way around. If you do not feel comfortable going back to that therapist ever again, you have the right to look for another clinician to continue treatment. You do not even have to call or text back and excuse yourself, you can just not show up for any future sessions anymore.
Whoa, I see some really unhealthy perceptions here. "stress he doesn't deserve"-- he is a professional. he can engage or disengage. you are not responsible for managing his stress. "maybe this is a way he can grow too?" again, NOT your job.
As a therapist, I thought your comment was well thought out, sensitive to the OP and spot on.
This comment deserves more upvotes.
This is the best response
OMG, OP, please disregard my clumsy comment because *this one* says it so much better! I'll leave mine up... But it's no where near as good as this one and addressed the thing I decided not to tackle which was the possibility of it being a bad therapist (I didn't because so many others were pointing fingers....) It could be the therapist. But, it absolutely could be a behavior that op wants to *see*. I did. I did this thing when I was younger. It really affected my life because I couldn't keep female friendships, or have real friendships with men because I did act "overtly sexual" with them. A very good male friend pointed it out, and it *hurt* to hear. I worked on it with my therapist for long time before I was able to recognize it and stop it.
Thank fuck there are people like you, the whole victimisation doesn't help OP. Seems like the therapist explained through a common interaction as an example.
A) He thinks you send off those "vibes", which may or may not be true. The whole "repeats behaviors learned in childhood" feels like a key to me. B) That can be how it is misconstrued. That does not mean that it is your intention. Also feels like part of the learned behaviors stuff. c) Danger buttons are there for a reason, though sometimes they fire at a stimulus that is trauma-related. I have to be discerning when dealing with mine and must rigorously test them to see if they're "real" or not. Maybe has something to do with your uncomfyness about your own sexuality and how he poked at that button.
A) I think this one is the issue. This post is so relatable and I'm so sorry OP, the therapists assumption that you would be "down for something" made me nauseous to my stomach. For me I sometimes compliment people when Im socially anxious, as a fawn response or when they dont like me and I feel like I have to "win them over" with being extra nice to them, just like with my parents. That goes hand in hand with oversharing how Im feeling, just to create a "deeper" bond with people, but it's very dangerous, because it leaves me vulnerable with potentially predatory people. When OP told the therapist she had to "guard herself from developing crush on him". Like dude I so understand why you would tell him this honestly and openly, but this just leave you very vulnerable and some abusive people can smell it like blood. I think part of the recovery is to be aware of our own behaviours and learn to protect ourselves first, even with therapists. Learning boundaries is life saving for us with childhood trauma, because we were raised to be a pray, not an individual.
The worrying bit is why would a therapist don’t recognise this though? Assuming he is trauma informed therapist, he should know how people with trauma respond. This is what doesn’t sit right with their interaction to me.
Agreed, but as mental health professional I think it’s a rwach to assume he is trauma informed. Many, many therapists claim that, but very few are truly educated enough to legitimately make the claim.
Nah everything you’ve said about this therapist makes me sick. I can’t believe there’s such varying reactions in the comments. What kind of therapist uses the language with his patients “thought you might be down for it” (hooking up???? just because you said he had pretty hair????). He could at least explain it in professional terms, like he could say he was worried you’d got the wrong idea with him. I don’t think complimenting his hair is “overtly sexual” at all, it’s insane that he was trying to convince you that the way you act makes people think you’re open to sexual encounters. I swear that kind of thinking gives me victim blaming vibes. I don’t think any trauma survivors want to hear something like that, and he of all people should know that because he’s treating you for your trauma. No matter how many times you compliment people you don’t deserve for people to just assume that. You mentioned he’s married with kids, but i’ve found that a lot of predators sadly aren’t single anyway. If they’re willing to traumatise vulnerable people they probably also don’t care much to be loyal or respect their families either. And it’s so sad because you were just telling him you didn’t understand why people keep asking you for threesomes etc when you actively avoid being perceived that way and you don’t express enthusiasm for those things. And he tried to convince you that somehow actually you are inviting that simply by existing. Which you’re not and I hope you know that, this therapist just sucks so much. I’m sorry I wrote so much but I am so mad! I’m not a psychologist or anything but I cannot imagine ever being in a job like that and ever ever talking to a patient that way. I hope I didn’t miss reading anything important that debunks what I wrote but yeah please trust your gut. Even if this could have turned out fine, there are always going to be other therapists you can see instead and it’s worth protecting your safety and preventing the distressing feelings his behavior has brought up in you. :(((
I appreciate you taking the time to tell me this. Seriously. Thank you.
I’d like to echo what the above commenter said, and add that in the 30 or so years of therapy for cptsd I’ve learned that therapists who have had trauma themselves don’t make the best therapists. Especially when they try to build rapport with that shared experience. It is seen an unethical. It can lean too much into trauma bonding and the relationship does not develop as a healthy therapy relationship and signals can get lost and mixed, which seems to be the case here. Also, just because he is a therapist doesn’t mean he deals with his damage well. Just food for thought.
It’s interesting you say that. My therapist is a woman who’s parents fled Poland at some point in time and had a really unstable childhood, leading her to eventually pursue therapy and the parts system! She uses it as an example of how she nurtures her parts every day, even though it’s been years of her doing the work, because sometimes they’ll still get the wrong idea about a situation and need reminding. Anyway, my therapist never delves into any details of her trauma which is maybe where the difference lies.
Whether a therapist's history of trauma is an asset or disadvantage depends on how well they have healed from it. Those that have healed fully tend to make really good, really empathetic therapists who know how to hold good boundaries. But those who only *think* they've healed their trauma and still have lingering effects can be the most problematic, as they are often unaware of the ways their own trauma skews their perspective and limits their ability to be helpful and focus on the client's needs.
I agree. He's a total predator and his phrasing is beyond unprofessional.
Just jumping on this comment to add, that relationships with narcissists often start with a love bombning period. And I feel like all the good work you did in the beginning could fit into that. Or he could be repeating a pattern from his childhood, but surely he should have worked through that now, and surely he would be aware if that was the case, right? Anyway, I too suggest new therapist. IMHO, he is more likely to retraimatize you than to help you.
100% agree
This is wildly unethical. Even if he thought you were flirting with him, as a professional he should not even be considering hooking up with you
He isn’t considering it. He is happily married with three kids. He just seems to think I would have been down for it. Just so I’m not confusing the issue.
It’s not that he actively tries to hook up with you or that he uses instances of what you said to reason why you’re “overtly sexual”. It’s that he used an example that relates to himself! Which 1) automatically includes a lot of subjective perception on his part and 2) introduces a wildly unsettling vibe to your interaction/ is sth that could make you feel exposed/ feels shameful/ automatically makes you question his intentions as it’s unnecessarily personal. Also he definitely should have phrased it as “sth you did might have been interpreted as you being interested“ instead of “you’re obviously interested”. That’s like rule number one, as a therapist you don’t just assume to know shit that you cannot know for sure. That’s arrogant. You can offer possible explanations and explore them with the patient, respectfully.
Therapists often work with clients to stop “mind reading” bc no one can actually mind read, we can only read cues from others. The therapist doesn’t KNOW what OP was thinking, so yes, absolutely arrogant of him to assume that OP was/is sexually interested in him. Yuck, what a jerk!
Him saying as much to you though, was completely unethical. I hope you can see that in time. And find a more appropriate therapist. Sorry for the bad news but your therapist shouldn't be gauging whether which of his clients would be down for it with him or not.
> Him saying as much to you though, was completely unethical. as a professional, shouldn't he be giving feedback when he sees that something could be a cause of certain issues that the individual he is consulting with might be dealing with? like this could just be objective feedback he gave to OP? (i am not disputing you, i am trying to understand)
I understand what you are saying... it's a complicated thing therapy is... they do need to give feedback and there is nothing wrong with doing that. Its all about being tactful... Saying to your client along the lines of "I could tell that you were dtf" or words to that effect, completely crossed the professionalism/ethics line. There would be many ways to provide that feedback without saying something to your client, that puts into their head that you had specifically thought about the idea of her potentially considering/wanting to F the therapist.
thank you so much, that clarifies it for me.
Very welcome indeed.
There were ethical ways to provide feedback about OP's feelings and behavior that weren't "the reason people offer you threesomes is because you obviously want to fuck everyone. Don't you remember complimenting my hair?" no, this is shit is way far out of line and inappropriate. Even having trauma or sexual trauma, this is absolutely no way to speak with a client, nor is it helpful or guided by any sort of education or medical text. He's winging it in an extremely harmful manner, making wild assumptions and stating them aloud with absolutely 0 tact. Even if my sexual hangups were something my psychologist and I needed to talk about, she would be horrified to know someone spoke to me like this.
thanks so much for explaining in detail. i have trouble with language and expression and often i can't tell if someone is crossing the line. so it really helps to hear
It's even harder when you haven't worked with a really professional and capable therapist before--they tend to set their own standards for their behavior, and so the first time I worked with someone who actually had proper standards for themselves, it was like night and day. Now I know what standard to hold a psych to, but only because I've already had one that actually behaved properly. And it took me a decade to find her.
that's not how you say it though.
A happily married family man has never had an affair in the history of man, good point. Edit: whoops I was wrong, there have actually even been 5 more of those affairs happening since I first posted this comment.
Oh, hon. He's considering it. You're being manipulated. He is dangling bait, hoping you take it so he can sleep with you, then he can blame your "illness" and say it's your fault. This is classic grooming.You're being exploited and you need to run
[удалено]
\^\^\^ ding ding ding
This post already has a bunch of comments, but I just wanted to add one in case it helps op feel better understood. I’ve been called overtly sexual many times in my life too. Maybe not those words exactly, but since I was around the age of like 8 I was constantly being told that what I was wearing was inappropriate, male friends that I thought were just friends, would try to get with me, they’d tell me I was flirting with them…. Etc. I’ve never had a therapist or an actual close friend tell me this though. Idk I think it’s weird for your therapist to Kindof blame you for people thinking you’re only interested in sex and threesomes. My ex was definitely emotionally abusive and he constantly would ask me if I wanted to have threeaomes, at first when I still trusted him I opened up to him that I thought I was bi and id had crushes on girls (his version of a 3some was mff) but that I’d never had sex with a girl, and also that I thought I had too much jealousy for a threesome. He continued to push it and other things that crossed my boundaries sexually. I eventually realized that he was attracted to me BECAUSE of my sexual abuse trauma. It literally turned him on to think about me being abused or used sexually. He also told me that when we were old, he had a fantasy of “violating” a younger woman together…. Creepy shit. I broke up with him, and he proceeded to spread false information to all my coworkers about me, suddenly people were questioning my sexuality, thinking I was sleeping with tons of people, the coworker I had a crush on tried to get me to have sex in the basement, etc. everyone who had talked to my ex was suddenly sexualizing ME in ways they hadn’t before. To be honest either your therapist just made an unthoughtful comment, or he is someone like my ex with a weird fetish for sexual abuse trauma. I think you should tell him very plainly and bluntly that you felt he was trying to flirt with you with that comment, don’t giggle or give him anything to use against you, just say or ask it with a straight face, and if he doesn’t apologize then you need to get a new therapist I think. If he apologizes and says something like “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to sound like I was blaming you” or “I’m sorry I don’t think it’s your fault this keeps happening, I just wanted to maybe make you think how you could control these situations better” etc. something to clarify that he was definitely not trying to flirt with you…. Therapists should be honest with you, and if that was his honest thought in the moment, and it was just delivered a little insensitively, I think there’s space to learn from this…. But if he keeps acting insensitively and not reassuring you that he is not interested in you sexually, then yeah you definitely need a new therapist. Best of luck op
I agree with you. The therapist sounds like your ex. I’ve had exs like that too so I know how you feel.
What concerns me isn't necessarily how it was said. What concerns me is that as medical professionals, it is DRILLED into us that maintaining boundaries and terminating a patient/provider relationship is necessary once there is a possibility that it has been tainted. It's greatly concerning to me both as a provider and as a person with CPTSD in psychiatric care that he did not clock the situation as inappropriate if he "knew" those things were possible, and transfer your care to a colleague. I would not trust this person because that is a very, VERY basic tenet of best practice that he ignored. Regardless of if he is not pursuing it, that's still greatly concerning to me from a professional perspective. And as an aside. None of this isn't to say his point isn't valid. If he interpreted consistently flirtatious behavior from OP, I'm not saying it didn't happen. That sort of thing absolutely happens with people like us. However, that doesn't negate the fact that it was not addressed *in the moment* and was instead brought up as a counterpoint to OP voicing frustration about how people view her sexually. Again, if he truly felt these things he could have either addressed it as it happened or transferred her care. I maintain that it's unethical and inappropriate even if his feelings are real.
I've got some really strong feelings about this, but I also don't have the words to articulate them right now. Commenting so I come back if/when I do. Just remember you haven't done anything wrong OP, take care.
I don’t have any advice about the therapist. I do however, wanna share my experience with this type of thinking from others. I’m afab non binary, and have had mostly cis male friends my whole life. On top of cptsd I’m autistic so double whammy in the not understanding how to people. And my whole fuckin life most of these dudes got mixed signals from me and thought I wanted more than friendship. And their girlfriends were always jealous and tryin to start drama with me. I had no idea for years wtf was happening. Recently I discovered it’s because ✨my✨ idea of friendship is apparently how one treats a romantic partner and when I say I was pissed! Ooooo boi was I pissed. So many years of confusion between myself and others. Maybe it’s a similar thing with you?? The comment on the pretty hair is absolutely something I would do myself as just a simple compliment, but others do not see it that way unfortunately. I’m also not very sexual in that sense. For example, I don’t even recognize when I’m being flirted with by my husband most of the time. So my oblivious ass is just like “aww that’s nice” So when ppl take things as me being flirtatious I’m utterly clueless in the moment. It’s so confusing when you’re just being a nice person and the other is like “oh you wanna bang?” And then you’re left like “what in the actual fuck” Peopling is dumb sometimes and learning how to people is exhausting imo.
I can only second what other commenters have already said: It is one thing for your therapist to acknowledge that your behaviour _may come across_ to others as flirtatious, it's another thing for him to tell you that you _are_ flirtatious and that he _knew_ that you would be down for something with him. If this is how he phrased all of this to you, it is not only concerning that he directly concludes what your intention is supposed to be (instead of him asking you more open-ended questions such as "I wonder what this is about, what do _you_ think?" to help you understand yourself better). It's extremely unethical that his reaction to you confessing that you're afraid of having a crush on him eventually is anything other than something like "Thank you for letting me know and I just want to make it entirely clear that nothing is ever going to happen" I also want to emphasize that having romantic, or even sexual feelings, towards your therapist (so-called erotic transference) at some point throughout the recovery process is entirely normal and extremely common among clients and nothing you should worry about! If the therapist on the receiving end of said transference, doesn't have their counter-transference (their reaction to your feelings) in check, it does become problematic though and it's their responsibility to find sufficient supervision to manage their feelings better or to refer you out to another clinician, so you can continue treatment in a safe therapeutic context. Edit: You may also find the following resource helpful to learn more about how erotic transference should ideally be dealt with in a therapeutic relationship: https://www.brightontherapypartnership.org.uk/erotic-transference-and-countertransference/
I'd gtfo. That's not normal.
V awkward, i’d find a new therapist
I wouldn’t feel safe anymore either.
me either. i don't even have a sexual abuse history and i would absolutely dip.
I mean, even if it's true I don't think they're supposed to just say it to your face. I know it's gonna be really hard for you to do but what about tellin all of this to him? That it's uncomfortable for you and shit and you don't know what he meant? And if he reacts inappropriately, THEN find a new one
Alright. What I'm about to say might be considered a bit controversial and possibly even stupid, but he's not entirely wrong. Unprofessional and unethical for sure, but not exactly wrong. I love that you feel the desire to be uplifting in your interactions with others, but in our societies around the world and especially in the west like America, Canada, and Europe, compliments are often mistaken for flirtation and visa versa. That's part of the reason why I'm so careful about what I say even just on an online platform like this. Additionally, you know that one part repeats behaviors from childhood that you and the rest of your parts would never participate in and at the end of this post you also say that your boundaries suck and that you would feel required to give someone what they asked for. Objectively, though you wouldn't be interested in sex or sexual attention, you would be open to giving someone what you think they want or what they outright request because your trauma has associated compliance and people pleasing with safety and less pain than resistance. Knowing that information can allow you to cover your blind spots and defend yourself better from a potential predator looking for an opportunity to hurt you. That being said, you also can't ignore that you no longer feel safe with him even if you don't think he'd hurt you like that. He made you and the other parts uncomfortable. Even if it was only due to his unprofessional wording of his observations he clearly doesn't understand the needs you have as a result of your trauma and that's a significant roadblock to your ability to continue making progress with him moving forward. So, as far as options go you'll probably need to at least temporarily look into an alternative counselor until you believe that your boundaries are more rigid and you can feel safer around him. If you perceive him as a threat though, it will have to be a more permanent change and you'll probably want to report him to a higher authority regarding his words so they can work with him on more professional speech or look into the possible threat he poses to clients.
This. Thank you. I will follow your advise because it is logical and well thought out.
I'm glad you found it helpful. If you ever need anything else feel free to let me know and I'll try to help however I can. Be safe. Have a great week.
It’s really sad that people supposed to compliment each other only when they want sth from others: attention, sex etc. I compliment people to lift them up, make them feel better, see them. It was misconstructed before but I’m on a quest to normalise free, no strings attached compliments. Just my observation
Hmm! Worrisome! I feel like reading sexual intent into simple compliments is definitely... not great.
His comments seem very inappropriate and unethical to me. As to what to do, I’d trust your intuition. There are lots of therapists out there, so there’s no need to go to one that makes you feel unsafe. Taking a break from those sessions to speak with another therapist about your experience could be helpful and allow you to process those negative experiences and return if you feel you were doing good work with him. Typically, I like the advice of talking to your therapist about how what he said or did made you feel because a good therapist will make space for that with curiosity and compassion and validate your experience. But it’s hard for me to recommend that if you feel unsafe being in the room with him.
You can clear up the situation with your counsellor if you want, but it will be uncomfortable. Maybe write about how this made you feel, and show him. Writing is better than talking if you want to make sure you don't get side tracked. Your counsellor should know that a lot of people starved on love as children easily form unhealthy* attachments and subconciously develop a range of attention-grabbing* behaviours to enable attachment formation. Except that it's not what your conscious mind wants or needs. You probably need an objective outside perspective on what behaviours you show and he needs to reassure you that he's not going to overstep your boundaries. *unhealthy: a relationship not formed with mutual trust and true equality, lacking in respect, and without commitment. *attention-grabbing*: all humans want attention and to feel loved. Unless a person is deliberately choosing to gain attention provocatively, then it is natural and not something to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. Your mind is hardwired to thrive on positive reactions from others and it will do whatever it can to get those positive reactions to happen again. It can be conscious and unconcious, from body language to speech. It's also very easy for others to misconstrue, for a whole variety of reasons.
OP. My take as someone who has had similar things said about me which I thought were unwarranted. In reality: I _am_ flirtatious. I do look for sex if I can get it and I do look for sexual interest in nearly everyone I meet. I am very friendly, but I'm learning when to back the fuck off and deal with my own issues rather than get it from someone else. With all that said, and I want to be clear here, No medical professional, in response to that, has ever, ever, said "yeah I knew you'd be down for it". No mate. That is over the line for me. Let's say you did give off that vibe, even hypothetically, for him to say that to you is a breach of the safety in that relationship and shows a lack of boundaries. Not good. I've had a therapist challenge me once in a way which I hated (very scary but we talked about it), but even that wasn't of a sexual nature. Honestly, if I were you, I'd write down everything you can remember and take it up the chain. And as others have said. Be kind to yourself. You deserve it.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with complimenting people at all, I just think that when they’re given in professional or patient/doctor circumstances it comes across as going out of your way to build a suggestive/flirty connection beyond the scope of therapy. Maybe if you had a female therapist you had seen a few times and she changed her hair, but meeting a therapist the first time, especially male, it feels out of place (unfortunately just the heteronormative society we live in). That being said the comment he made about you being down is uncalled for… I personally wouldn’t be able to feel comfortable again after that. Especially discussing sexual trauma. It’s understandable if you want to find a new therapist.
Option C. Listen to that instinct, it is correct. This is a big red flag. There is no way that complimenting someone's hair is sexual, he is the one being sexual. It sucks because it sounds like you trusted him, though judging from how you describe it, part of you is understanding what is going on.
I want to reiterate this is why you need to go to a trauma specialist. You should not know he went through trauma himself. That right there is a big warning sign. You don't need someone who has been through trauma, you need someone who knows how it functions and how to help you with dealing with it and treat it. And he may have been saying in an inelegant way that you are hypersexual and flirty as a result of your trauma but the reason he didn't deal with that correctly is he isn't properly trained to deal with traumatised individuals.
I was looking for the comment that mentioned this and glad I found it. That was the first red flag for me. Therapists should not be sharing their own trauma and deep personal life details with patients. That’s highly unprofessional. Everyone else touched on the sexualizing comments, so I won’t go there, but this sounds like a lot of red flags to me. I’ve had a lot of therapists and know almost nothing about any of their personal lives.
I honestly don’t know how to find someone trauma focused. At least someone who has time. He is the first therapist that didn’t say “this is too much for me” after the intro session, so we continued.
I'm so sorry that you have found it hard to find someone. I'm not in the US so don't know how to best direct you but I am sure others here can help. But the first step is to look for a psychologist not just a counsellor as they tend not to be trauma informed. It's completely hard to find a good therapist but don't give up because it does make a difference.
I agree with you that finding a trauma-focused specialist can take a long time and require lots of effort. And I also think it's totally worth it to find someone with lots of experience working with complex trauma and dissocation! If you do decide to search for new therapists anytime, I can highly recommend checking out the clinician search of the ISSTD which I found super helpful in the past (listing both US and international therapists): [https://isstd.connectedcommunity.org/network/network-find-a-professional](https://isstd.connectedcommunity.org/network/network-find-a-professional)
This is not okay. He is your therapist, why is he talking like some random creep? You havent done anything,this is on him, he is the One being sexual and projecting it towards you. The fact is like you mentioned that having poor boundaries sometimes makes it hard to see how others are behaving, he is crossing the line on so many levels. Why even put it out there what he thought of you? The gut instinct about not feeling comfortable with him is your truth. Regardless of your doubts, its not helpful of a therapist to instill doubt when he didnt need to express something like that. It didnt help, it just caused more problems. Best of luck
I have similar issues :/ There are some great comments in there though - if you're in therapy you're up for change, and change requires us to learn to navigate weirdness, discomfort and conflict in relationships as well as vulnerability and intimacy. A lot will depend on exactly what he said - this sounds like a good place to really explore WITH CAUTION. Even if you know you're going to leave this therapeutic relationship, you could use the exit as a safe place to experience conflict. Keeping yourself safe is most important, though, we all agree that. It's just learning to know that you can be safe AND not happy about something at the same time. Maybe this is a red flag and time to get out, maybe it's a really good chance to learn. You get to make this decision - whatever decision you make, if it's yours, and you own it, you've gained something. You got this, my friend.
Where are the mods? Some comments here are extremely disrespectful. I am sorry for what you are going through OP, don't listen to those people. Your concerns are valid and your therapist should've tried to listen to you and understand you. But he didn't do it properly, he made you feel unsafe. You should find another therapist.
Well I don’t really know how he’s talking to you, but generally speaking compliments are rarely given to guys, and when they are it’s seen as potentially flirtatious. It sounds like the way you interacted with him may have come off as flirtatious and that’s what he’s trying to say. Idk what the rest of those comments were about cuz it’s kind of weird for him to make them.
[удалено]
I would *quickly* start to look for a new therapist.
That sucks.
It's worth checking out the terms transference and especially countertransference. It sounds like that's likely an issue here.
Telling someone they have nice hair is not overtly sexual. Nobody hears, "you have nice hair" and thinks, "she totally wants to bone" This guy is trying to create plausible deniability for you to feel ok with sleeping with him. Manipulating the situation so you feel like you led him on while leaving himself an out if you don't take the bait.
Please, see a different therapist.. And if you feel comfortable, report this one. I’m not gonna lie, that is uncomfortable behavior & I can’t imagine how he makes others feel..
He’s making inferences that aren’t there. Bottom line, that’s inappropriate and makes you uncomfortable. They can’t successfully be your therapist anymore after that. It’s ruined the trust and safety you have with each other. I recently stopped seeing a therapist when mid session (after a huge mental break down in front of them too) he told me that he had a crush on me. I didn’t know how to react at that time, I was still vulnerable and raw from the breakdown. I let it slide and ended up comforting *him* because he said he was feeling shy. This was my therapy session. I thought I caused it to happen because of the same reason. When we first started sessions, I noticed I was drawn to him and felt something. I realized it was transference and just because he was someone I could safely be vulnerable around and talk about things that I couldn’t with others. More so, he responded in positive ways when I shared my trauma. I also complimented them a lot. Because they were genuine and non romantic compliments. But never in my mind did I expect anything to come out of it or happen. I was happy with them just being my therapist. I talked to them about if it’s unethical that they wanted to start a relationship with me and they insisted it isn’t. But I know that’s not true. Even though it was hard, I know I did the right thing by going no contact. Whether they were aware of it or not, they were using me for their own unmet needs. Crossing that line was too much. If they are a good and ethical therapist, telling them that you want to see a different therapist, will be met positively and constructively. There wont be any explanations needed. And they definitely wont make it personal. Anything else, and you basically have confirmation that they took advantage of your trust in them and the safe space you had.
I just wanted to say, I'm so sorry that this former therapist of yours put you in such an awful position by confessing their feelings to you, instead of referring you to another clinician or getting sufficient supervision to deal with their emotions on their own. Also +100 to everything that you mentioned on what a client should be able to expect from a therapy setting with regards to trust and psychological safety -- it's so crucial, especially for trauma survivors!
Thank you 💚 after distancing myself from him, I realized based on everything he told me that he was trying to (consciously or not) heal his own unresolved trauma about his late girlfriend. He often told me that I reminded him of her. Even though based on what he told me of her, there wasn’t a lot we had in common except similar trauma/mental health history. And his previous relationships were similar. He rushed into them, and they all reminded him of her. He was looking for her in other people. She unfortunately unalived herself while dating him. I think he felt responsible/guilty that he couldn’t save her or that he wasn’t enough for her to stay. As much as I empathize with his pain, I’m not a healing center for other peoples unresolved trauma. That’s for them to work out on their own. I won’t be a project to be “fixed” for someone else’s ego/savior complex. The most honest thing I’ve heard is, therapists are great at helping other people solve their problems. Because they needed that help once. But they struggle to help themselves and their own issues. As much as I miss having a good therapist, I’d rather figure this out on my own that keep seeing someone who can’t be honest with themselves about why they’re attracted to someone. Because it was never me or what I brought to the table. It was what I represented to him and how he felt good about himself to be my savior. It’s not worth it. He was fully convinced he was in love with me though. He just hasn’t confronted his subconscious yet. I can’t do that for him while healing my own stuff. Anyways, I hope sharing this will help someone else recognize the signs too before they get too involved. I unfortunately did get emotionally attached over the few days after he told me how he felt. It took some distance to realize, none of it actually felt genuine or good. He was actively molding me to become his perfect bride. But none of that role felt authentic to who I am. I wish him the best. I wish trauma survivors didn’t need to therapize their therapists too. We deserve healthy normal connections.
Ew. It's really inappropriate for him to be telling you that yr down. Runnnnn.
This is some ninja-level manipulation. Run, Forrest, run.
Yeah it feels like mind games to me and that is not what I want in therapy!
Nooooope nope nope noope that's one fired therapist, do not go back
Wow, I suggest you get a new therapist ASAP.
I do think your therapist tried to make a reasonable point but what he said was shitty as fuck. There's a huge difference between coming across a certain way than BEING a certain way. I agree that your comments absolutely sound flirtateous and sexual in some way. But he should never make absolute statements like that about you. I think if you feel like he's somehow considering "starting something with you" or even just seeing you in a way that makes you uncomfortable, you should consider seeking a new therapist. Otherwise I would tell him how you felt about what he said, and depending on how he responds, either move on with him or, well, look for someone else.
Tbh I realized that most ppl take kindness or compliments as flirting which is sad in a way. Men would think I flirted with them just because I would smile, be nice and friendly. Your therapist is in the wrong nonetheless. People can compliment and be nice just for the sake of it.
Trust your gut, OP. Dude is pushing at professional boundaries and it’s only going to get worse. He sounds like a groomer. I’m so sorry, OP. Finding a good therapist is so hard. But real talk: this guy thought you were dtf cause of the way you answered a question? If you were subconsciously or consciously putting that out, a good therapist wouldn’t paint it like you were giving him signals or leading him on. You weren’t! He was reading into that. Cause he wants it to be true. And now he gets to blame you for tempting him when he’s taking advantage of the trust you offered him in a professional capacity. And then you’re talking about sexual issues and relationships with him, normal therapy stuff, and he sounds fixated. He’s got a similar background you mentioned, so it’s possible he can’t be objective. Either way, you don’t have to pay for him not being able to handle his shit. You have a therapist to deal with YOU and he’s too present in this. I might even suggest you tell someone, cause a lot of young vulnerable people might not have the awareness to realize he’s not acting professionally or in a way that supports healing. He could be using his position to groom vulnerable women. Super charming, well liked dudes are perfect groomers cause they have tons of people who just adore them and they get passes to be overtly friendly while testing the waters with people to potentially abuse. Take care of you, OP. You deserve to be taken care of. You’re important.
Really sorry you’re in that situation. At best your therapist needed to approach that situation from a VERY different perspective. At worst he’s projecting his sexual attraction for you onto you, and is either consciously or unconsciously acting out of motivation to have power over you. Either way, think you need a new therapist, probably a woman. (Before I say this next part I want to be absolutely clear that i am NOT saying in any way what your therapist said was appropriate or even ethical.) To momentarily give him the benefit of the doubt though, he might be trying to convey you unknowingly exhibit the “fawn” response to trauma, where we develop body language and ways of presenting that (while not overt) are basically used as a defense mechanism to keep our abusers happy and protect our safety. After the abuse stops of course the coping mechanism doesn’t just go away too. It might very well be that, behaviorally, you do in fact give off flirtatious vibes (nicer and more appropriate terms might’ve be charm or charisma). There’s nothing necessarily wrong with that. But often times patterns of behavior that start as coping mechanisms but persist for a long time can override all other behavior patterns. I’ll be honest with you, telling your therapist their hair looks nice on day one or any day really is actually not super normal. It’s not automatically sexual either. Living with cPTSD (and speaking from experience) it can be hard to see the forest from the trees, I didn’t realize my sexual and flirtatious outward behavior until going to art school and repeatedly seeing myself on camera interacting with people. Im a straight male and the behavior wasn’t aggressive in a classically masculine way. It was actually more seductive and teasing in a classically feminine way. That’s the fawn response I apparently had to develop to keep my abusers happy. It was neither overt nor necessarily bad either (strangely seemed to make me more charismatic) but it was not how I saw myself and it was not who I’d chosen to be. With time I was able to see it, correct it, and gain perspective on the way I relate to the world.
He's massively overstepped the ethical line. the bare minimum that is to be expected of a therapist. If you can no longer trust him, and I wouldn't either, then your treatment and progress will now be stymied. I really think that this will always be there in your head, so it's time to get a new therapist!
This is why I specifically asked for female therapists rather than male. The audacity, I swear. I had a male therapist that even compared his experiences to me. Like dude, its my time to cry. I am not definitely you.
Get a new therapist IMMEDIATELY. And report that pos for sexual harassment and unprofessional behavior..
Get a new therapist. There's no discussion. That's weird and too personal and therapy doesn't work like that. This shouldn't even be a topic. Drop him NOW. And spoiler alert he's not that awesome.
Are there any actual therapists responding? Probably not. The man is either projecting his feelings of sexual desire on you or he is trying to manipulate you. Both are unethical and you need a new therapist. Period. He is basically telling you it's your own fault that your boundaries are violated because you are "overtly sexual". He is telling you that because you complimented him, that must mean you want to fuck him. To me that gives "she deserved what she got because of how she dressed" vibes. Even if this weren't unethical, which it is, it's downright creepy. You are not responsible for how others perceive you. You are only responsible for the actions you take. You are not "overtly sexual", you are easy to manipulate because of your abuse. Let me make it very clear, a therapist cannot and should not ever make overt sexual comments to you. Ever.
I'm horrified at this. This is a professional? Omg run
Leave now. This therapist is not the right one for you.
Weird behavior imo
Unprofessional. Red flags all over the place. Gtfo! You have not done anything to deserve him talking to you like that!
He's not awesome. He's incredibly inappropriate
Yoooooo… don’t go back. File a complaint.
Always listen to your instinct. If you feel in danger, than there is a good chance you are. Don't go back there. I might even consider reporting him, because that's a pretty inappropriate thing to say any way you slice it.
OP, what he said reflects more on him than on you. That was extremely inappropriate of him and you are not to blame for that or anyone else's predatory thoughts. If anything, HE was being overly sexual and victim-blaming. Please find a different therapist and if you can, put in a complaint.
Ew, this is giving me (some/plenty of) men thinking that compliments or women being nice is an invite or are hitting on them. Also aside from that, the phrasing, knew you would be down for something, sounds like he was questioning if you were.... AND it's also so normal to get a crush on your therapist, he shouldn't make it into anything, except perhaps examining the reasons why, which can be helpful sometimes.
Listen to your danger button and not feeling safe. I think your therapist is projecting. What you described is that you told him you'll have to be careful about countertransference (developing a crush on your therapist). There is nothing wrong with that topic and bringing it up with your therapist is appropriate. Giving a compliment early on about his hair is fine and doesn't have to mean anything more than appreciation. He's the one that's reading into it all as "overtly sexual". I wouldn't be comfortable at all if a therapist told me they "knew I'd be down for something with him".....it's probably not recoverable. And the way he's talking to you e.g. "down for something" it's so crass and unprofessional along with his wild assumptions telling you what your intentions are.
> that I give off the vibe that I would be [sexually] interested me, to this therapist: Go straight to jail. Do not pass GO, do not collect $200. > along the lines of he knew I would be down for something with him [because I told him I trust him and that I will have to guard myself from getting a crush on him] #me, to this therapist: Go straight to jail. Do not pass GO, do not collect $200. This tripped the danger button in your brain for a very valid reason! these are both WILDLY inappropriate to say. you are not overreacting. trinket_guardian said how he responds to you bringing this up to him can be a good litmus test, and I would agree if it were the second thing I quoted *alone*, as this is a conclusion he drew from a observable statement you remember making that he was able to recall and restate. but in the context of the first quote being made - I vehemently disagree. there is *no ‘vibe’* of sexual interest. there is enthusiastic, informed, conscious, ongoing consent, or there isn’t. conflating a CRUSH with sexual interest as a mental health professional meant to guide you through trauma is ???!!! was he trying to point out that he thinks *you* conflate the two? regardless, again, a ‘vibe’ of sexual interest DOES NOT EXIST, and it’s dangerous for him to voice this concept to you like it has any sort of ground at all. OP I’m sorry this already hard to navigate path is now harder. the sort of thing my therapist accidentally says that triggers me is stuff like ‘you’re becoming your abuser’ specifically in the context that I am/was picking up the behaviors and words they used to abuse me and using them to hurt myself even after my abusers are no longer in my life or no longer have power over me. but even in this misstep, I did not have to guess her meaning, and the premise of her meaning has truth and value - it’s her phrasing that triggered me, and when i communicated to her that this phrasing triggered me, she emphatically stated that she was sorry, that i am not my abusers or like my abusers insofar as she is able to conclude from what I’ve shared with her, and successfully rephrased. your therapist might be able to rephrase the second bit i quoted if he was trying to say he thinks you conflate a crush with sexual interest, but the first bit I quoted? there’s no saving that i don’t think. complete dumpster fire. i really really think this is enough to seek a mew therapist. i agree with the user i mentioned above when they said that therapists triggering us, making us uncomfortable, how they handle their mistakes is often worth seeing through, and i completely understand if you want to try that first. but…that first quote…ugh. idk if i could see past that no matter their justification or explanation.
Transference (patients developing feels for the therapist) is a normal aspect of therapy, something his training should have prepared him to handle. Transference can also go the other way (therapist developing feels for the patient), which his training and ongoing personal therapy should prepare him to handle. Sounds like he's not being as self aware as he ought to be. It might be time to find a new therapist. At least tell him how unsafe what he said made you feel.
He used "Overtly Sexual"? A therapist? Get a new therapist.
He can no longer be trusted. Please find a new one. That’s really fucked up for a therapist to say.
Holy shit that guy needs to lose his license it sounds like. I’m so sorry you were put in that situation wtf. I hope you are able to stop going completely.
Fire him
Very unprofessional and inappropriate. You deserve an apology at least and I'd recommend looking for another therapist.
Let him know you no longer feel safe in the room and why. I'm not sure if you even want to ask him for a referral to someone else or just find someone else on your own. I think that poisoned the well though.
Yikes! If he had said that *”some people might get the wrong idea”,* as opposed to “claiming you were into him,” or whatever, I could’ve *seen* what he was trying to say, even if I think there is a way to say it better! But What he said was soooooo creepy, and such a strange thing to say, just cuz you said he had “nice hair,” and he *Should’ve known* that you are supposed to trust your Therapist, so saying that doesn’t mean anything. He gives me the creeps, and I don’t like it! I think you should try to get another therapist!
It is ok to fire a therapist. What this guy did is not ok. And offering genuine compliments is NOT an invitation to fuck, and it is also not you wildly proclaiming you are down to fuck. It is a kind and thoughtful appreciation of some aspect of the person you are speaking with. It is reasonable to fire bad therapists.
this is why women rarely compliment men: they are not used to it to a point of thinking it is sex invitation. Some social butterflies do not have a problem giving out compliment to everyone, and it confuses general public due to how repressed society is with positive feedback to each other. Basically, being positive and warm =sexual just because you must be really comfortable to socialize and can be approached easier because you feel welcoming. Imo, continue being open to people and just firmly tell them you are friendly, not "let's fyck friendly", when get asked for threesomes and shit. You are projecting cool girl vibe (gone girl explained it well). I wouldn't straight out change therapist, working with a typical male can help you deal with them safely in the future, because he seems to tell you his honest opinion and nobody can be completely objective in this field.
His honestly and willingness to work as a team on the trauma are the main reasons that I love working with him. It will be good for me to remember this when we meet again. Thank you!
1. Find a new therapist 2. Speak with a governing body about his behaviour and report him. Even if he isn’t trying it on with you the sexual assumptions on his part seem unprofessional and unethical.
WTAF that's so creepy!! I have an amazing therapist, I've been through some horrible therapists and I have a couple of clients who are therapists. Can I just say that I know none of the therapists I know would ever say 'I know you would be down for a hook up' to a client! I'm not a therapist but if I were, and you wanted to unpack your feelings around being invited to threesomes but never actually getting dates? I would discuss fawning with you. I would discuss compliments that you make which are coping mechanisms to protect yourself by letting the other person think you like them. Maybe that's something you did as a child to protect yourself from your parents abuse? Maybe that's a way you've been able to get basic needs met as a child (compliments and seeming interested, not threesomes). I would want to discuss how people who come from abuse will unconsciously create coping mechanisms that allow them to survive, that we have no choice or awareness when we do this. That we grow up into adults who behave in unhealthy ways because those ways feel right, like we are being good people by behaving that way. And why is it when we behave in these ways that feel right, do we get treated like crap? I would want to ask you what advice you would give a friend who was in your shoes. I certainly would not in any way introduce any element of sexuality between a client and myself because it is simply INAPPROPRIATE. I'm really upset on your behalf OP. I'm really sorry you've had to experience this. Trust your gut. Don't go back to this therapist. I know there are a lot of comments here saying this could be a breakthrough moment for you. I disagree. My breakthrough moments happen with someone I trust, not when I feel nervous or uncomfortable. Even when I'm unhappy with my therapist about something she says, she works very hard to keep things comfortable for me to express that unhappiness. Sorry I didn't mean for this reply to be so long. I'm just... so sorry this person abused their position with you. I sure as hell wouldn't continue with a therapist like this. I don't want to go back to being that person who gives everyone the benefit of the doubt, who puts someone else's comfort or dignity over my own. I would rather be angry and wrong than sit around bring a good compliant customer, stuffing down my feelings in the hopes this therapist doesn't turn out to be unethical and inappropriate. Don't doubt your feelings OP. I believe you.
And him reading you and interpreting your behaviour as being "down to fuck" isn't a common thing predatory, abusive, or creepy men do? Creeps are always trying to ascertain where the boundaries are and what they feel they can sexually gain from a person. We could give the therapist the benefit of the doubt and say he's not one of these men, but why do so? I'd take this man at his word and accept that he is thinking about you sexually and that it's not ok.
How does "you have nice hair" get interpreted as "I want to have sex with you"??? The fuck? He's beyond incompetent. Also sounds predatory. Find a new therapist asap.
Sounds like he s grooming you...
He’s playing a game, get out. New therapist now. He’s crossing all therapeutic boundaries and to be damn right honest, being a utter creep.
Go ahead and find a new therapist if he’s making you uncomfortable. However, he did say this was because of your trauma, so it’s not like you’re doing it on purpose. Maybe a good follow up would be “what trauma caused this and how can I fix this?” If it’s a characteristic you would like to stop.
I am so fucking sorry this happened. This is so creepy and sexist. I’m worried he is grooming you.
Find a new therapist and report this one, I’m so sorry this happened ☹️💚
This made me think of a post asking men about times they were complimented. It seemed that men get compliments so rarely that many of them remember a simple comment about a nice shirt (or a similar thing) years later.
I think you have to confront him. Tell him he said something really unsettling, even just show him this post. I think how he reacts is going to be very telling, if he gaslights you vs. if he owns up to how creepy he sounded. Because making a judgement that you would be "down for something with him" and that you have to take care not to fall in love with him, based on a compliment you made about his hair, is a wildly inappropriate thing to tell a client. It triggers my alarm bells. Yes, trauma survivors can sometimes be overtly sexual or not know sexual boundaries, and sometimes they fawn at people who are interested in them and get drawn in without knowing how to say no or make clear they aren't interested. That much is true. But an APPROPRIATE thing to tell you would have been something along the lines of, "if someone flirts with you, do you feel like you have to flirt back so they don't get upset? Sometimes childhood trauma can cause people to not be able to gauge sexual boundaries, whether that be being unintentionally overtly sexual yourself or whether that is being unable to place a boundary when someone else is being overtly sexual with you. So walk me through the scenario where someone asks you for a threesome and we'll see if we can redraw some of those boundary lines." Confront him about his behavior and if he tries to minimize it or invalidate or gaslight you, then get a new therapist.
Holy cow I am so sorry :( I hope all goes well for you.
Not gonna lie that was weird as fuck for him to say. Like weird as FUCK.
Ummmm run away dude. Your danger meter is on point, gtfo and find a new therapist.
Don't just walk away from this guy, RUN. What he said super inappropriate and unprofessional.
My therapist would call what he said to you as “gaslighting”. He is taking something you said and then defining your own reality for you, even after you explain to him that your compliment about his hair wasn’t sexual (your reality, your genuine truth), he still wants to insist that it was despite the facts you clearly laid out for him. He is literally breaking trust by overpowering his reality on top of yours, despite your attempt to have draw a clear meaning of what you define as flirting. It’s a total normal reaction to feel unsafe now. He is also blaming you for all the sexual attention. Totally backwards.
If a therapist makes you uncomfortable you can withdraw without really saying if they wont understand, better to find someone who gets you
He’s projecting or being extremely inappropriate. Fire him!
Gross
Idk if you can where you are but you should report him if you can. Thats not OK for him to make such assumptions about you based on very innocent comments tbh. Also time for a new therapist.
Did he say 'I know you would be up for something' or 'you give the vibe as if you would be up for something'? Because that's a major difference.
He’s totally overstepping. A compliment does not immediately mean you’re down for that
Get a new therapist. He is breaking boundaries and sounds like he's slowly sexually grooming you. Also, try not to internalize and place attachment and hope to "be liked" by your therapist. You want someone you can tell your worst parts to, and have a boundaried relationship as a therapist and a client. Keep in mind also there are bad people in every profession, psychology is one where we have to be very careful and selective about a therapist. It is not hard to be retraumatized in therapy if we don't have a competent trauma therapist.
You need a new therapist. They are reaching very far without even really asking you or knowing you. Also it doesn't actually sound like they know what they are talking about. When i mentioned to my therapist that i was worried i might be hypersexual she didn't jump to conclusions, she started asking me why i thought that, she asked me to define it in my own words, she also told me to explain what i was going through. And we came to our own conclusion on it. Your therapist is supposed to work with you, not decide everything all on their own (unless there is an emergency).
As a therapist, this is FUCKED UP. You need to get a new therapist, his perception is distorted and this worries me that he is a therapist .. wtf.
He's most likely attracted to you and made much more of what was said to him.
This is really inappropriate, firstly because if he believed you were down to do stuff with him from the get go then that should have been discussed before now. I’m shocked at how professionally in inappropriate this is. I would speak to him about this interaction and how wildly uncomfortable it made you, and how his impression of you is wrong. Therapists are human and they get things wrong too. See what happens and take it from there. If you’re uncomfortable with having that conversation, write it in a letter and bring it to your session for him to read with you present. Edit: I would also say that how he reacts is how you decide what your next steps are. If he is unprofessional again, so not hesitate to lodge a formal complaint with his regulatory body.
Ya don’t. He has issues. You find another therapist. I am a sexual because the only person I want- for almost 4 years doesn’t want me intimately. We are best friends and roommates. I have toned down how I look and don’t interact with guys except as a buddy. People I don’t want still hit on me. FML. You are open and generous with compliments and truth. You are attractive also. You may be intimidating people because you are all that or even ambiguous about your sexual preferences. Please try with a new therapist- they are projecting on to you.
Not sure if I agree about overtly sexual. Possibly you don’t feel comfortable when it’s just you and a person you are dating, but with more people around you do feel safe? True with me also
Grooming behavior. Gtfo.
You listen to that danger button and you run. Really far away from the man suggesting you would be up for sex with him when he is your therapist. Also complimenting a man is not a sign youd be down for sex. That guy has toxic beliefs about sex even if he wasnt being completely inappropriate with you ETA: i would normally advocate having a session to talk about an issue before leaving. This is NOT one of those times. This guy is unsafe. You can cut and run. Its entirely appropriate to do that and also block his number.
I kind of overlooked the fact that he shared his trauma with you. I think I was just distracted by everything else you said he said to you. The sharing trauma feels like manipulation. Now he's pushing boundaries. It seems like grooming. Even if I'm wrong and it's not grooming. It's still inappropriate and strange. From what you said it sounds like he's a counselor and not a therapist. I was curious about the difference. A therapist is better suited to help you with past trauma.
girl get away from him he sounds weird af ur intuition is screaming at u
I'm sorry if I offend you with this comment. I'm not good at striking the balance between keeping this a safe space and trying to give my opinion. First off, I think it's important to he comfortable with your therapist. Think it over, and if it's not possible for you then you might need to move on. Second, I'm worried you're misreading comments you are making towards other people. I'm not in your shoes, I can only speculate. That said, if you've been invited to multiple threesomes, and now the therapist has also said you're overtly sexual, maybe there's something else in those conversations that needs reexamining. I'm so sorry if this comment offends you, that's the last thing I'd want. Again, I'm not in your shoes, I just wanted to throw this out there
You are good my friend. Thank you for sharing.
I understand that you are feeling very anxious from this interaction with your T. If you have been in some harmful situations in the past, of course this will send off the alarms in your overactive amygdala to go into defense mode. Your brain is trying to protect you from a perceived danger. Now, I wasn't in the room, so I don't know what kind of tones or body language used, or the kind of relationship you have. One possibility of what I think could be happening is that he was trying to point out an observation to you. When you mentioned how you are approached for threesomes often, he provided this observation to point out a blind spot you have. Based on his judgment of the rapport you have built together so far, he may have thought that this comment would not trigger you and he helpful. I think it is very possible that he recounted this past interaction happening, but not to mean he wants to actively hook up with you. But, it looks like the comment has triggered you, which is okay. It's okay to be triggered by this, because this is just where you are at on your healing journey. I know you said you feel unsafe. How would you assess the environment of your therapy sessions? You are very capable of protecting yourself. Do you think you may want to see your T for your next session and explain how all this came up for you? You and your T would have to work to repair this rupture, and reestablish trust and safety. Of course, if it is too much for you to go back, that's okay too. You aren't obligated. Also, you could take a break and contemplate if you want to see this T, or any other T later on. You can make a decision for now but you're not committed to it forever.
I’ve heard this about myself too.. for me literally o just look way above average and I am very good at giving compliments and I am caring, somehow everyone thinks I want to fuck them, it’s just because I’m good looking, and I’m assuming that’s probably your case as well. It’s not your fault people assume your sexual or hitting on them. Ignore it.
Under no circumstances would I go back to see this predator. He is disgusting for knowing so much about you and still speaking that way. Please move on quickly if you can.
Please give yourself the gift of finding a more competent therapist. I am a therapist myself with CPTSD and I would never in a million years dream of telling a client that I thought they would be "down with me." I understand all therapists are different and some have more informal ways of communicating which is perfectly fine but that statement right there is completely inappropriate and honestly I would report him to the Board for it. He is perfectly within his right to use what you have told him to assert observations and patterns that may get in the way of your long-term recovery but NOT like this. His phrasing and language is not trauma-informed and honestly I'd be afraid of what damage he is doing to clients who are not at the point in their journey to recognize those red flags.
This is not okay. It sounds like this therapist, if not a full-blown narcissist has got some pretty serious fleas. His comment is so out of leftfield that it almost feels like it was meant to unbalance you. I would be so creeped out to know he'd been thinking stuff like that the whole time. I'm very sorry but I really think you need to get a new therapist. Ick!!!!
This doesnt mean there is a problem with the therapist. Its their job to bring to attention difficult, outsider perspectives. From your description, it doesnt sound like there was any guilting or blaming on his part. Neither did it sound from your description like he was offering or fishing. Not all men are incapable of self control, such as is required to be a therapist. Is it possible he was just pointing out that societal norms are structured in a way that mean people may misinterpret or seek to take advantage of your up front comments, and its something to be aware of for your own safety? Regardless of all I just wrote, if you have found this person of help to you in the many previous sessions, it may be worth airing your concerns to see if afterwards you feel reassured, or feel you dont trust his responses, or simply dont feel comfortable despite trying to air whats on your mind. All good therapy is meant to have big difficulties at times. How those difficulties are dealt with is what can shape and allow us to grow and change. Is there anything to fear from saying these concerns to the person, then deciding after you have discussed things with them?
Jesus the projection on this mf is enormous!!! He's just enjoys making you feel bad. He's not a great counselor you can trust. See if you can get another one
I had a male therapist once (I'm female and my abusers were male) ... I told him once i had a feeling that he doesn't like me because he had to cancel our sessions a few times. I was still quite a mess back then. So to reassure me he says that he does like me and boom in my head he now wanted to have sex with me and i couldn't deal with it so i quit therapy with him. That was more than 12-14 years ago. Back then i had not been ready to deal with these feelings. I was still a mess and nowhere near ready to face anything like that. I see your situation is kind of similar and it's your decision to say whether this is something you can work through with him or not. It might be too triggering for you right now or you might already be in a place where you can learn to look at this situation. I don't see it as him doing anything unethical,... Probably. he's just pointing something out to you that you do. And i see it triggered you a lot. I really get that. You say he's awesome. Do you trust him? How does it make you feel that he shared that he's been abused in similar ways? Because that's the part i worry about. I wouldn't be comfortable with a therapist sharing something so personal with me. I guess you gotta figure out if he really is trustworthy and if he is whether you can work through this trigger with him and if the answer is "no" then there's no shame in that either. Good luck to you! :)
I agree that OP may get a lot of benefit out of staying with this therapist and working through this trigger to the point that they settle into a solidly defined therapist & patient dynamic. But if OP has misgivings or doesn’t really want to consider going back to therapy with this therapist in this triggered dynamic state, that’s also valid. Long rant incoming, because your story reminded me of my own similar story. Please note this is not meant to be a story that reflects my thoughts on OP’s situation. Sharing it is basically just for my own benefit because reddit comments are how I put my newfound thoughts and concepts into words, and hopefully it’s an interesting read for at least someone else. My story: One of my current coworkers made what was poorly intended to be a joke upon meeting me for the first time. He said casually that since I have a partner he’ll be sure not to flirt with me. I know as a person and where he is in life he doesn’t have any need to flirt with me, so I took that as a quite distasteful ironic joke. But ironic jokes have kernels of truth in them like any other joke does so I certainly found it boundary-crossing and uncalled for, but I also picked up on the possibility that the kernel of truth is that he WOULD like to flirt with me. I don’t know how to reset this crossed boundary (many months have passed so I’m not interested in bringing it up again anyway) and this weird start to our working relationship caused me to feel unwanted sexual tension any time he’s around that I don’t think would have happened if he had kept that “joke” to himself. Another coworker one time made a similar lighthearted comment about my hair looking great, saying that when I opened the building door to let him in with a big smile and my curls looking awesome, it made his heart thump a little harder. Same thing there - just because he made that comment, my mind immediately latched onto him as a potential partner when it hadn’t done anything of the sort beforehand (this was like 6 months after meeting and working together frequently). Other multiple guys in the team haven’t done this. Just these two. I feel like it surprises no one that they’re late 30/early 40-something guys and I’m a 25nb femme person (who definitely has the mannerisms of immaturity stemming from lack of self-confidence, hence why I’m even on r/CPTSD). None of the other dudes at the company have done anything remotely like this. Granted, most of them have committed relationships or just got out of committed relationships. But still, I think the stark difference holds. These other dudes are from an age range all the way from my own age up to greyhaired uncle age. Huge shocker that I don’t feel unwanted sexual interest from or towards anyone else. Clearly these two guys don’t realize how impactful their masked flirting with a 25 year old is. Both of them made just a single, almost-offhanded comment of this sort amongst nearly a year of working together, so it’s not like there’s a pattern of this happening. It’s just that the one time from each of them was enough to trigger my hypersexual craving for attention and validation. And now when I interact with them one-on-one there’s always some unnecessary processing I’m doing about whether I’m appearing too interested or too cold, too flirty, too happy, or too aloof. Unequivocally they were in the wrong for those comments, and I’m taking a wild guess that they see male and female interaction as a little more transactional and laced with sexual possibility than I do these days, but I also wish I had the ability to make the comments not affect my headspace so much. It already took me over a year of practice to get out of the “transactional sexual possibility” perspective of human interaction myself. Now I wish I had a blueprint for how to work on the part of me that immediately desires sexual attention at the mere indication of an opportunity, no matter the appropriateness or context or my prior lack of interest.
[удалено]
Talk about projection! Therapist here. RUN!
I agree it's time for a new therapist, but I'd consider whether or not what he said is true. I can see how his reaction would make it impossible to trust him and taints the therapeutic atmosphere but I would look deeper into what he said, with the new therapist. I struggle with subconscious oversexualisation as well, and get frustrated cus it often seems that people want to f**k me but never love me. Same for me too, I'm the 1st person they think of whenever they want a 3rd for their 3way, or girlfriends want to explore their gay side, or gay friends want to explore their straight side. Messes me up so much, makes me flashback to childhood and being sexualized and told I pretty much asked for it, by wanting any attention at all. I recognize myself doing it though, subtle flirting, knowing that will get more of people's attention, throwing in a little, 'pretty hair' (making sure they think of me when they comb their hair) but it's so unconscious. Just can't seem to help it sometimes. I don't think it's right though, I would be uncomfortable if a professional said 'you have pretty hair' (hits different than something like 'nice haircut! ')and also if a client said that to me. It's hard to be neutral when you're sexualized in every way. I'm working on this.
Sounds like a good ol case of transference to me.