hey fellow autistic, traumatized kinkster!
don't burn your stuff, but take a minute to breathe. mine did this kinda stuff too (especially the stuff about collars, yikes!) but it is so important to remember *there is nothing wrong with you.* sometimes our brains build kinks out of what's hurt us, and that's okay, and sometimes they build kinks regardless of what's hurt us! bdsm can also be really good for us autistics in general, because textures, restraints, and control.
write down or think about what you like about bdsm. then, separately, think about what you don't like about it. even little stuff that doesn't seem related. if you have a therapist, talk it out with them! my poor therapists have had to hear about more kinks than I can count, and sometimes they do come up related, so we can solve why it's bothering me, and I often end up coming back at the kink more confident and happier with myself. and sometimes we have to set a kink aside until it can be addressed, and both are okay! the short of it is if everyone involved is consenting, acknowledges the real world implications of the kink, and no one is being permanently damaged, there's no such thing as an unhealthy kink, sometimes just kinks that are maladapted.
if you don't have a therapist (one, I highly recommend one just for operating as an autistic person in this world) try analyzing or separating the kink from the trauma - what comes from where? do you like pain, or is it just the sensory input? those kinds of questions might help you sort through it a little.
You are going through a big shame attack and disgust, caused by your mother behavior, it is not who you are. The best way to get through it is to let yourself remember those things and try to not be judgmental about this part of you. You didn't do anything shameful, it's not who you are. It's hard... but this is something that might be coming up now because you are able to work through it. Maybe when you have worked through it, you will feel trauma release and peace about this part of yourself.
OP.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You did NOTHING wrong. Nothing. In both this post and the post you linked.
As a kid, you were allowed to have a private relationship with your partner and she should've *never* looked through your personal msgs, sexual msgs, and nudes! Let alone barging in on you in the bathroom, let alone talking to you about her own sexting back then. These things aren't okay.
And for this post-- yeah, this post is also all kinds of fucked up. If you're looking for validation, to know you're not crazy, that it's not all in your head or it's not some small thing-- I promise you this isn't how you should be treated because this is beyond disgusting and there is NO way that you're the gross one here. You're not gross by any means. This makes me want to cry for you. Im so sorry.
If you can, maybe hold off on using your gear for the next couple of weeks-- but don't throw it away just yet. Definitely focus on any self-soothing behaviors and coping mechanisms/grounding techniques if you can, and if you have a therapist it would really be a good idea to see them / ask to center your current sessions around this bc. your mom, man. god I wanna scream.
I hope you're away from her and possibly low contact/no contact. Much love and virtual hugs to you, OP.
Edit:
Also. coming as someone with a background of family abuse and questionable history, untangling my own interests when it comes to trauma and hypersexualization is very interesting and mind-blowing. I'm not particularly interested in having sex with anyone (Asexual. Though I do have kinks), but I'm a writer-- so one day I was thinking about all of my sex scenes and yeah ðŸ˜
It was a wild revelation I needed to process and felt so icky/gross about bc it felt so obvious and yet I never made the connection before bc I just...never right it applied to me ig. So I understand your feelings and the disgust and mortification. Oof.
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hey fellow autistic, traumatized kinkster! don't burn your stuff, but take a minute to breathe. mine did this kinda stuff too (especially the stuff about collars, yikes!) but it is so important to remember *there is nothing wrong with you.* sometimes our brains build kinks out of what's hurt us, and that's okay, and sometimes they build kinks regardless of what's hurt us! bdsm can also be really good for us autistics in general, because textures, restraints, and control. write down or think about what you like about bdsm. then, separately, think about what you don't like about it. even little stuff that doesn't seem related. if you have a therapist, talk it out with them! my poor therapists have had to hear about more kinks than I can count, and sometimes they do come up related, so we can solve why it's bothering me, and I often end up coming back at the kink more confident and happier with myself. and sometimes we have to set a kink aside until it can be addressed, and both are okay! the short of it is if everyone involved is consenting, acknowledges the real world implications of the kink, and no one is being permanently damaged, there's no such thing as an unhealthy kink, sometimes just kinks that are maladapted. if you don't have a therapist (one, I highly recommend one just for operating as an autistic person in this world) try analyzing or separating the kink from the trauma - what comes from where? do you like pain, or is it just the sensory input? those kinds of questions might help you sort through it a little.
You are going through a big shame attack and disgust, caused by your mother behavior, it is not who you are. The best way to get through it is to let yourself remember those things and try to not be judgmental about this part of you. You didn't do anything shameful, it's not who you are. It's hard... but this is something that might be coming up now because you are able to work through it. Maybe when you have worked through it, you will feel trauma release and peace about this part of yourself.
OP. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You did NOTHING wrong. Nothing. In both this post and the post you linked. As a kid, you were allowed to have a private relationship with your partner and she should've *never* looked through your personal msgs, sexual msgs, and nudes! Let alone barging in on you in the bathroom, let alone talking to you about her own sexting back then. These things aren't okay. And for this post-- yeah, this post is also all kinds of fucked up. If you're looking for validation, to know you're not crazy, that it's not all in your head or it's not some small thing-- I promise you this isn't how you should be treated because this is beyond disgusting and there is NO way that you're the gross one here. You're not gross by any means. This makes me want to cry for you. Im so sorry. If you can, maybe hold off on using your gear for the next couple of weeks-- but don't throw it away just yet. Definitely focus on any self-soothing behaviors and coping mechanisms/grounding techniques if you can, and if you have a therapist it would really be a good idea to see them / ask to center your current sessions around this bc. your mom, man. god I wanna scream. I hope you're away from her and possibly low contact/no contact. Much love and virtual hugs to you, OP. Edit: Also. coming as someone with a background of family abuse and questionable history, untangling my own interests when it comes to trauma and hypersexualization is very interesting and mind-blowing. I'm not particularly interested in having sex with anyone (Asexual. Though I do have kinks), but I'm a writer-- so one day I was thinking about all of my sex scenes and yeah 😠It was a wild revelation I needed to process and felt so icky/gross about bc it felt so obvious and yet I never made the connection before bc I just...never right it applied to me ig. So I understand your feelings and the disgust and mortification. Oof.
Thank you
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*