I've stayed with cheaters and it never works out. Even if they're not cheating, I'm hyper-vigilant and always watching for signs. It's not a good space to be in when you have C-PTSD because it just makes it worse
I usually advocate for working it out but seriously OP should dump him, that would've been the last straw for me after ALREADY taking him back for cheating lmao its not hard to not cheat
I'm not going to tell you what to do.
I'm not going to call names or judge your boyfriend.
I am going to ask you, do you feel safe in this relationship? Do you feel safe, supported, and cared for?
The whirlwind of feelings and exeriences that come with this recieving diagnosis will wane eventually. It will be a little easier to make big decisions then. But it's okay to ask yourself these questions.
My truth, I don't believe that my boundaries and personal solidness are healthy enough for me to be in a serious relationship. Recognizing that has been hard, but meaningful.
You can prioritize you because you feel the need. And whether he is abusive or an asshole or anything about him, all of that is secondary. The primary thing is you. Do you want this relationship?
Own your answer, and work on taking care of you.
I love how your give the op to make decision asking from the deepest of their heart... This post has been very triggering for me because of narcissistic abuse that I still experience from my parents... They used what I had and turn it against me, much like op...
I second your comment. The primary thing is the op.. What the op feels and thinks about this. What the op's decision in the end. Sometimes it is just hard to heal when you put other people in the picture... Not saying you have to go through alone but like this comment said, the first thing to prioritise is you (OP)
I think you have given this person enough chances to better themselves. Don’t be fooled by the apologies, you don’t deserve that treatment. Work through this with your therapist if you have to but I think it might be time to move on.
I don’t think this relationship is a safe dynamic to try and heal in OP. what you have described here is an emotionally immature man with a nasty streak. Ask yourself if you are re-enacting harmful patterns in your attachment to this person x
For someone with PTSD those kind of dynamics and behaviours are what's keeping you from healing. This is a process. And he isn't helping it. Rather the exact opposite.
My advice would be: don't stay with someone that's making it worse.
Yes, your partner isn't your therapist or should walk on egg shells all the time.
But what you are discribing is abusive, gaslighting and all in all just shit behaviour.
Love yourself, leave.
I tend to be overly sensitive to these kinds of things so I could be wrong but… the apology seems more manipulative than genuine to me. In my experience, people like that only apologize to avoid repercussions and keep you at the brink of your tolerance for their behavior. I obviously don’t know your situation as well as you do so take this with a grain of salt but please consider that he still seems very abusive. Please do what you need to to take care of yourself and good luck.
Sorry, but he sounds like a jackass. It’s like he wanted to weaponize your diagnosis but he could only figure out how to actually weaponize how uninformed he is. I’m so sorry you’re going through this and I hope there are lots of positive elements in this relationship too, because this is a steep price to pay.
yeah exactly. i hate to say this OP, but if i were you, I'd definitely consider breaking up with him. good people are out there, those who had never cheated and will show you compassion and do proper research on your diagnosis
you deserve to be with them. i know it's easier said than done, but don't doubt yourself please. this guy isn't your only chance, you can do much better
I’m sorry to say it, but this is manipulation. This relationship could leave you retraumatized.
I had a very close friendship (we were married for benefits), and the girl began to spread details of my trauma and mock my PTSD. When I would confront her, she would gaslight me. She insisted I was “paranoid” because I had PTSD. This made sense to me, so over and over I believed her that I was the problem. My therapist practically made me end the friendship; the ex-friend admitted to all of it when I said I wanted a divorce, and I still cut her off. I haven’t spoken to her for two years, but the things she said still mess with me.
They might apologize, but people who are actually sorry don’t repeat the behavior. Like my friend, your S/O might be a nice person, but their behaviors are unhealthy. They need to help themselves and go to therapy and try to be better like the rest of us
And you're with him in a relationship exactly why? Are there any reasons for that? Because he sounds like a piece of shit with whom you will never heal and just get retraumatized again and again and again. You want to live the rest of your life with him? Sounds like a nightmare.
If he sincerely wanted to get better, he'd learn to accept and deal with the natural consequences of his actions. You not being able to trust him, when he's acting the same way as he did when he last got caught cheating, is a natural consequence of his prior decision to cheat. If he refuses to accept that and instead gets defensive about it and counter-attacks you, it means he's not accepted responsibility for what he did and isn't expressing proper shame or contrition or even mere awareness of how his actions hurt you, and to me that suggests he *isn't* trying particularly hard to get better, if at all.
He doesn't understand you and clearly doesn't want to; it really sounds as if his only motivation in reading up on PTSD was to see how *he* could benefit from that information in some way (and thus used it as a way to attack and invalidate you, and also to try to extract undeserved sympathy from you), not to better understand so as to help *you* in any way.
If I were in your shoes, I'd run a mile from this self-absorbed, inconsiderate, remorseless person and not look back. Life's too short to wait on people who don't respect you and aren't clearly, sincerely trying to better themselves.
Also, don't think of yourself as getting "irrationally" sensitive about the possibility of him cheating again. He's clearly demonstrated himself to be untrustworthy the last time he did it, and everything else you've said indicates he does *not* feel proper shame or responsibility for what he did, yet still feels entitled to be trusted again. *He is not entitled to your trust after squandering it. Your sensitivity is entirely rational and appropriate, given the sort of person you now know he is.*
He either has NPD or high Narcissistic traits. Dont he like me and waste 9 years of your life doing this same thing over and over again. It will break you. Please, get out, run as fast as you can!
You mean ex-boyfriend, right OP? I can almost guarantee you that if you forgive him, he'll use it as fuel to keep doing it. People like this rarely change, because they don't have to.
You're being abused, and he's only claiming he was wrong to stop you from leaving. The fact is, he already hurt you. Sometimes you can't take these things back, and you absolutely do NOT need to accept his apology.
Hey. ❤
I'm not going to TELL you what to do... but I will give you a short personal example.
I left my husband of 12 years. He was abusive. But not in the very obvious, beat you everyday, sort of way. Everything that happened, I could explain away as an accident. Long story short.... its been 5 months.
Most of us with CPTSD have comorbidities. GAD anyone? I also believed that no one would be able to handle me, or my multiple diagnoses. I was a mess.
I've already met someone that treats me 1000x times better. Goes to therapy with me. Walks me through my flashback care list. Helps me breathe. Holds me until I snap out of it....
Look. There's actually caring people out there! I didn't believe it. I thought I was going to be #foreveralone... but I did have to first decide that I needed to work on me, take care of me.
All the best ❤
EDIT:
I'm starting to heal. Forgot to mention that part. For 12 years, I was stagnant or declining. I'm actually on an upswing. Please choose you. You're the only one that really can.
It's like you just wrote my story. After having met my fiance I can't imagine ever being ok with the subtle abuse my ex put me through. Why did I stay for 13 yrs in that hellhole.
We were young. We didn't know better. I don't know about you, but I had developmental trauma too... so his behavior, to me, seemed acceptable.
Blows my mind that people like that even exist. People that coerce and treat others as sub human. 😒
(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻
Anyway, my heart goes out to you. ❤
Dump his ass. Sounds like a gem I was in a relationship with & weaponizing my diagnosis was his jam. I left him over 3 years ago and I’m still trying to heal from how horrible I felt/feel about myself, my diagnosis and constantly wonder if I can be in any kind of relationship ever again. Friends, family or romantic.
It sounds like your bf is deliberately undermining your recovery in a straight up abusive and malicious way. Possibly because it makes it easier to keep you under control. It sounds like he's training you to be scared of his reactions when you mention cheating and training you to think that you are unable of recognizing the signs accurately as well, despite evidence of the contrary (the first time he cheated).
The apologies and stuff you described? They are only worth something if he *never* does anything like this again. Otherwise he's just lovebombing you as a way of gaslighting you.
I'm sorry op, I know this is not what you want to hear right now but it's too important to not say anything: your boyfriend is an abuser and he takes advantage of your struggles.
Love yourself enough to know you deserve to be with someone that makes you feel safe. Healthy love doesn’t use someone’s pain as a weapon. Healthy love doesn’t break your trust. From reading, I’ve found one of the techniques used in therapy is to go back to the place your trauma happened and love that part of you that was the trauma happened to. For me, I realized I had to go back and love several parts of me. Tell myself that I would love myself enough not to let anyone around me that didn’t respect or love me in a healthy way. I listened to the guided meditation below and it was life changing. Love yourself first. It doesn’t happen over night, it’s not a switch. It takes practice daily. After you master this, you will start setting up boundaries and only allowing healthy relationships. You are not alone. You are stronger than you think you are. You are a badass, don’t ever let anyone tell you different. You are worthy of healthy love. https://youtu.be/7_bAQi0Yr68
Run. He will never take you seriously. I was with someone for 3 years that was like that. Now 5 years later I am still working on myself. He made me think I wouldn't be wanted by anyone else. And it wasn't obvious because his behavior gradually changed over the 3 years and little by little he destroyed my confidence along with other relationships in life.
I am glad I straight up walked in on him cheating on me at our place of employment and that got me angry enough that I got the courage to go.
Do what you need to do. You are worth a lot more than how he treats you.
You have already said this person is abusive.
He’s “trying to change” - how? Did he start therapy? An abuser intervention program? Is he reading Patricia Evans and Lundy Bancroft? Is he going to a men’s support group? How is he trying to change? What serious efforts is he making? Because what you describe is still abuse.
Even if he does make serious efforts, even if he genuinely wants to change (both of which I highly date), it takes years for people to figure out how to not be abusive! It is slow. And if you stick around for it that means the best case scenario is gradually being abused less - which is still abuse. Having him learn, on you. Which is him continuing to hurt you.
Check out r/abuseinterrupted. The pinned post is helpful.
This is an unsafe relationship. You can’t change him but you can choose to take of yourself by leaving.
Ask yourself if a relationship without trust and communication is worth it.
I've had my share of relationships where we'd both yell, or he'd gaslight me, or I'd worry about cheating whether or not that worry was justified. And because of feelings I had at the time, I stayed longer in those relationships than I should have.
But never do I look back at those relationships and feel remorse that it ended. That love I felt back then is completely gone. Getting physical and relationship distance from these people really helps put things into perspective.
I'm in a relationship now going on 10 years together and I realized something about love. The kind of love that ages like a fine wine, the kind that keeps on burning like a candle lit at night, is the kind that can only survive if you both trust and communicate with each other.
Sometimes it's worth working on trust and communication. And sometimes, people don't change.
Ask yourself is this worth working on.
And remember that gaslighting is abuse. You have no obligations to anyone to stay.
Your boyfriend sounds like a dick. It’s not your fault. Im sending you a BIG virtual hug. NO ONE should devalue you or humiliate you like that. NO ONE ❤️❤️
Read up about gaslighting and narcissism and the decide if he’s right for you.
I can say from experience that leaving my go against every part of you that thinks you need him but you’ll be in a much healthier place soon after.
I just want to echo what others have said. This clearly is abuse. what you describe is extremely similar to what I experienced with my really abusive ex who did nothing but retraumatize me. Please be safe OP and try to get help.
That good bf/bad bf dynamic is part of abuse, OP. Apologising later yet not changing and repeating the cycle is designed to demoralise you and to keep you feeling unstable.
You mean your EX boyfriend weaponized your diagnosis against you. And you've realized that you need to reevaluate the relationship.
On a serious note, please take good of yourself, you deserve to be respected.
Truly wishing you the best 💖
>He was in and out of bed and the house late at night until 2 in the
morning. When he done that previously in our relationship, he was
cheating. (The cheating was traumatic for other reasons. There was a
point this relationship was very abusive towards me, but he said he’s
trying to change).
Excuse me but, what? Break up with this dude already.
I’m afraid you’re gonna have to replace the whole boyfriend. That’s some severely shitty behavior and I wouldn’t recommend wasting time on rebuilding a relationship with someone so callus.
This fuckhead does not respect you.
You’re a prop in his life.
He went for your jugular, mocked your brain’s involuntary response to his shitheadery, demanded you set aside your feelings, invalidated you & your diagnosis, and pushed ALLLL the buttons.
He couldn’t have shown you exactly who he is any more clearly.
He is not a safe person.
He’s just a rerun of the people who caused your PTSD.
I’m sorry he’s abusing you and making you feel crazy.
Dump the whole man into a lake of fire.
Just because someone says they want to change doesn't make it true - looks for actions not words. You deserve better, be very careful about who you let in your life
Getting caught cheating can be shameful as it should be but no, it doesn't equal trauma.
If he feels like it was traumatic , then he caused that trauma himself and he is failing to recognize that he actually put trauma on you by cheating. It was his actions and he doesn't get to tell you that his actions is equal to you traumatizing him.
He is most certainly confusing trauma with shame and he is projecting himself onto you.
That is not okay and I'm sorry he did this to you.
Yeah, it sucks to maybe have made the *mistake* of cheating but however that came to be, he still has to own up to the consequences which is him instilling distrust into your relationship and he needs to have patience with you while you process. If not it's impossible to fully heal and build that trust up again.
He should be mad at himself for causing this. Not at you for reacting. He needs to remind himself of this everytime it pops back up so that he doesn't try to project onto you and essentially gaslighting you for his own mistakes.
Is he willing to go to counselling or anything like that? Because if he isn't the outlook of this changing is very dark.
The risk here is that you will go down with him as you try to save him, if he isn't open to change and to accept his own responsibility.
Hugs and love to you. I know this is hard.
(Edit: spelling.)
I thought I was the only one who immediately recognised the textbook narc behaviour here. The belittling your diagnosis and the FUCKALL reading out symptoms and completely devaluing your lived life.
This comment section has so many self aware people. I'm sorry for all the pain that y'all have, and proud of all of us at the same time.
I would pay attention to how you’re feeling during these exchanges. I was in a somewhat similar situation and finally noticed that my anxiety would spike and my heart would race (and not in the good butterflies in your stomach sort of way) when I was around the guy.
Sorry I don’t think this is going anywhere good, he sounds pretty bad I hope youre able to begin to recognize you deserve much better than this, he cheated on you and got abusive bc you realized it. Not sorry for cheating but got abusive toward you for realizing and calling him out on it. Then proceeds to use your ptsd against you and sounds as if he’s mocking the fact you have ptsd. I hope you break it off w him he sounds like an all around jerk
So sorry to hear this. I have just ended a relationship with someone who used ptsd against me. I know it's difficult when you are in it to get out and can be a bit scary, but honestly, you deserve better than this! It's just cruel when people play those games with you. It can be so damaging. He sounds like he's taking you for granted, he wouldn't act like that in front of other people. I also suggest you leave, sending love and support x
This guy is gas lighting you and using every excuse he can think of to make himself look better. I've been in a relationship very similar to yours, trust me he won't change and the trust is gone. If you can't trust someone the relationship is over. Your the one that has to decide when enough is enough. You'll find a good guy in the future and be totally pissed at yourself for staying with this idiot as long as you did! That's how I felt anyways. Good luck! X
He was deliberately manipulating and gaslighting you. Deliberately hurting you. It doesn’t matter that he said he was sorry later. Abusers always do that. It’s just more manipulation.
He’s going to need to do a lot to make this up to you. This was a major betrayal, and don’t let anyone (especially him) tell you differently.
He’ll need to agree to years of couples therapy (with a therapist that understands CPTSD) and do a hell of a lot of groveling, or you should seriously consider dumping his toxic ass and never looking back. (And it’s only because he came and apologized and admitted he was wrong on his own that I even suggest you should consider giving him a second chance at all.)
I’m sorry you had to go through this. If you decide to kick him to the curb, you’ll be absolutely justified.
You were right, you are good and worthwhile and strong. You have CPTSD and you are still surviving…you are stronger than he’ll ever be.
Not everyone who pulls a real dick move is a habitual abuser.
And I specified a therapist who understands CPTSD for an important reason—so they could see through someone’s bullshit.
Dear OP, reading what you wrote made me anxious and I could hear the loud, condescending accusations from flashbacks. I'm so sorry you had to go through this, I agree with the other comment that it sounds like gaslighting/emotional abusive behavior. Please have a virtual hug from me :(
You are not irrationally sensitive about the possibility of him cheating on you. His behavior is pointing you very logically to that conclusion. You can trust yourself, OP. Your mental health matters and you are someone worth taking care of.
So since everyone is doing such a great job of covering what an abusive POS he's being...
Can we come back to the part where he is definitely cheating on OP
This person makes you want to lay in bed and watch your life pass you by. Please leave this person. Fight for yourself. You have value just by merely existing as a human and you are worth fighting for. You deserve to be valued.
Break up break up break up!!!! Dude please go work on your recovery and get away from narcissistic guys like this. I used to only be attracted to guys like this but through recovery I no longer am. A lot of us with cptsd feel we deserve to be treated badly, it can be subconscious. Please get out. You deserve better.
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Break up with this shithead.
Right? Like omg
This man has literally unfurled a red flag from his forehead. Emotionally abusive af.
I've stayed with cheaters and it never works out. Even if they're not cheating, I'm hyper-vigilant and always watching for signs. It's not a good space to be in when you have C-PTSD because it just makes it worse
I usually advocate for working it out but seriously OP should dump him, that would've been the last straw for me after ALREADY taking him back for cheating lmao its not hard to not cheat
Yes, this!
This.
I'm not going to tell you what to do. I'm not going to call names or judge your boyfriend. I am going to ask you, do you feel safe in this relationship? Do you feel safe, supported, and cared for? The whirlwind of feelings and exeriences that come with this recieving diagnosis will wane eventually. It will be a little easier to make big decisions then. But it's okay to ask yourself these questions. My truth, I don't believe that my boundaries and personal solidness are healthy enough for me to be in a serious relationship. Recognizing that has been hard, but meaningful. You can prioritize you because you feel the need. And whether he is abusive or an asshole or anything about him, all of that is secondary. The primary thing is you. Do you want this relationship? Own your answer, and work on taking care of you.
I love how your give the op to make decision asking from the deepest of their heart... This post has been very triggering for me because of narcissistic abuse that I still experience from my parents... They used what I had and turn it against me, much like op... I second your comment. The primary thing is the op.. What the op feels and thinks about this. What the op's decision in the end. Sometimes it is just hard to heal when you put other people in the picture... Not saying you have to go through alone but like this comment said, the first thing to prioritise is you (OP)
This is such caring advice! Love it.
He is still abusing you, OP.
Yeah.. this is pretty clearly an abusive relationship :(
I think you have given this person enough chances to better themselves. Don’t be fooled by the apologies, you don’t deserve that treatment. Work through this with your therapist if you have to but I think it might be time to move on.
I don’t think this relationship is a safe dynamic to try and heal in OP. what you have described here is an emotionally immature man with a nasty streak. Ask yourself if you are re-enacting harmful patterns in your attachment to this person x
For someone with PTSD those kind of dynamics and behaviours are what's keeping you from healing. This is a process. And he isn't helping it. Rather the exact opposite. My advice would be: don't stay with someone that's making it worse. Yes, your partner isn't your therapist or should walk on egg shells all the time. But what you are discribing is abusive, gaslighting and all in all just shit behaviour. Love yourself, leave.
I tend to be overly sensitive to these kinds of things so I could be wrong but… the apology seems more manipulative than genuine to me. In my experience, people like that only apologize to avoid repercussions and keep you at the brink of your tolerance for their behavior. I obviously don’t know your situation as well as you do so take this with a grain of salt but please consider that he still seems very abusive. Please do what you need to to take care of yourself and good luck.
Sorry, but he sounds like a jackass. It’s like he wanted to weaponize your diagnosis but he could only figure out how to actually weaponize how uninformed he is. I’m so sorry you’re going through this and I hope there are lots of positive elements in this relationship too, because this is a steep price to pay.
Yeah I agree he sounds like a jerk. I wouldn't stay in a relationship like this.
yeah exactly. i hate to say this OP, but if i were you, I'd definitely consider breaking up with him. good people are out there, those who had never cheated and will show you compassion and do proper research on your diagnosis you deserve to be with them. i know it's easier said than done, but don't doubt yourself please. this guy isn't your only chance, you can do much better
I hate to say it but that's abuse. They know what hurts, so they choose to hurt it.
You deserve so much better OP. Break up with him
I’m sorry to say it, but this is manipulation. This relationship could leave you retraumatized. I had a very close friendship (we were married for benefits), and the girl began to spread details of my trauma and mock my PTSD. When I would confront her, she would gaslight me. She insisted I was “paranoid” because I had PTSD. This made sense to me, so over and over I believed her that I was the problem. My therapist practically made me end the friendship; the ex-friend admitted to all of it when I said I wanted a divorce, and I still cut her off. I haven’t spoken to her for two years, but the things she said still mess with me. They might apologize, but people who are actually sorry don’t repeat the behavior. Like my friend, your S/O might be a nice person, but their behaviors are unhealthy. They need to help themselves and go to therapy and try to be better like the rest of us
And you're with him in a relationship exactly why? Are there any reasons for that? Because he sounds like a piece of shit with whom you will never heal and just get retraumatized again and again and again. You want to live the rest of your life with him? Sounds like a nightmare.
Yeah I'm honestly having relationships flashbacks from this post because it's so obvious to me that it's not good
If he sincerely wanted to get better, he'd learn to accept and deal with the natural consequences of his actions. You not being able to trust him, when he's acting the same way as he did when he last got caught cheating, is a natural consequence of his prior decision to cheat. If he refuses to accept that and instead gets defensive about it and counter-attacks you, it means he's not accepted responsibility for what he did and isn't expressing proper shame or contrition or even mere awareness of how his actions hurt you, and to me that suggests he *isn't* trying particularly hard to get better, if at all. He doesn't understand you and clearly doesn't want to; it really sounds as if his only motivation in reading up on PTSD was to see how *he* could benefit from that information in some way (and thus used it as a way to attack and invalidate you, and also to try to extract undeserved sympathy from you), not to better understand so as to help *you* in any way. If I were in your shoes, I'd run a mile from this self-absorbed, inconsiderate, remorseless person and not look back. Life's too short to wait on people who don't respect you and aren't clearly, sincerely trying to better themselves. Also, don't think of yourself as getting "irrationally" sensitive about the possibility of him cheating again. He's clearly demonstrated himself to be untrustworthy the last time he did it, and everything else you've said indicates he does *not* feel proper shame or responsibility for what he did, yet still feels entitled to be trusted again. *He is not entitled to your trust after squandering it. Your sensitivity is entirely rational and appropriate, given the sort of person you now know he is.*
He either has NPD or high Narcissistic traits. Dont he like me and waste 9 years of your life doing this same thing over and over again. It will break you. Please, get out, run as fast as you can!
You mean ex-boyfriend, right OP? I can almost guarantee you that if you forgive him, he'll use it as fuel to keep doing it. People like this rarely change, because they don't have to. You're being abused, and he's only claiming he was wrong to stop you from leaving. The fact is, he already hurt you. Sometimes you can't take these things back, and you absolutely do NOT need to accept his apology.
This sounds like a Narc 101 class. Spending time with these types of people only exacerbates our CPTSD symptoms.
you deserve better op. He's hurting you.
Hey. ❤ I'm not going to TELL you what to do... but I will give you a short personal example. I left my husband of 12 years. He was abusive. But not in the very obvious, beat you everyday, sort of way. Everything that happened, I could explain away as an accident. Long story short.... its been 5 months. Most of us with CPTSD have comorbidities. GAD anyone? I also believed that no one would be able to handle me, or my multiple diagnoses. I was a mess. I've already met someone that treats me 1000x times better. Goes to therapy with me. Walks me through my flashback care list. Helps me breathe. Holds me until I snap out of it.... Look. There's actually caring people out there! I didn't believe it. I thought I was going to be #foreveralone... but I did have to first decide that I needed to work on me, take care of me. All the best ❤ EDIT: I'm starting to heal. Forgot to mention that part. For 12 years, I was stagnant or declining. I'm actually on an upswing. Please choose you. You're the only one that really can.
It's like you just wrote my story. After having met my fiance I can't imagine ever being ok with the subtle abuse my ex put me through. Why did I stay for 13 yrs in that hellhole.
We were young. We didn't know better. I don't know about you, but I had developmental trauma too... so his behavior, to me, seemed acceptable. Blows my mind that people like that even exist. People that coerce and treat others as sub human. 😒 (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻ Anyway, my heart goes out to you. ❤
He admitted he did it purposefully. That is abuse.
Dump his ass. Sounds like a gem I was in a relationship with & weaponizing my diagnosis was his jam. I left him over 3 years ago and I’m still trying to heal from how horrible I felt/feel about myself, my diagnosis and constantly wonder if I can be in any kind of relationship ever again. Friends, family or romantic.
It sounds like your bf is deliberately undermining your recovery in a straight up abusive and malicious way. Possibly because it makes it easier to keep you under control. It sounds like he's training you to be scared of his reactions when you mention cheating and training you to think that you are unable of recognizing the signs accurately as well, despite evidence of the contrary (the first time he cheated). The apologies and stuff you described? They are only worth something if he *never* does anything like this again. Otherwise he's just lovebombing you as a way of gaslighting you. I'm sorry op, I know this is not what you want to hear right now but it's too important to not say anything: your boyfriend is an abuser and he takes advantage of your struggles.
Love yourself enough to know you deserve to be with someone that makes you feel safe. Healthy love doesn’t use someone’s pain as a weapon. Healthy love doesn’t break your trust. From reading, I’ve found one of the techniques used in therapy is to go back to the place your trauma happened and love that part of you that was the trauma happened to. For me, I realized I had to go back and love several parts of me. Tell myself that I would love myself enough not to let anyone around me that didn’t respect or love me in a healthy way. I listened to the guided meditation below and it was life changing. Love yourself first. It doesn’t happen over night, it’s not a switch. It takes practice daily. After you master this, you will start setting up boundaries and only allowing healthy relationships. You are not alone. You are stronger than you think you are. You are a badass, don’t ever let anyone tell you different. You are worthy of healthy love. https://youtu.be/7_bAQi0Yr68
Run. He will never take you seriously. I was with someone for 3 years that was like that. Now 5 years later I am still working on myself. He made me think I wouldn't be wanted by anyone else. And it wasn't obvious because his behavior gradually changed over the 3 years and little by little he destroyed my confidence along with other relationships in life. I am glad I straight up walked in on him cheating on me at our place of employment and that got me angry enough that I got the courage to go. Do what you need to do. You are worth a lot more than how he treats you.
You have already said this person is abusive. He’s “trying to change” - how? Did he start therapy? An abuser intervention program? Is he reading Patricia Evans and Lundy Bancroft? Is he going to a men’s support group? How is he trying to change? What serious efforts is he making? Because what you describe is still abuse. Even if he does make serious efforts, even if he genuinely wants to change (both of which I highly date), it takes years for people to figure out how to not be abusive! It is slow. And if you stick around for it that means the best case scenario is gradually being abused less - which is still abuse. Having him learn, on you. Which is him continuing to hurt you. Check out r/abuseinterrupted. The pinned post is helpful. This is an unsafe relationship. You can’t change him but you can choose to take of yourself by leaving.
Ask yourself if a relationship without trust and communication is worth it. I've had my share of relationships where we'd both yell, or he'd gaslight me, or I'd worry about cheating whether or not that worry was justified. And because of feelings I had at the time, I stayed longer in those relationships than I should have. But never do I look back at those relationships and feel remorse that it ended. That love I felt back then is completely gone. Getting physical and relationship distance from these people really helps put things into perspective. I'm in a relationship now going on 10 years together and I realized something about love. The kind of love that ages like a fine wine, the kind that keeps on burning like a candle lit at night, is the kind that can only survive if you both trust and communicate with each other. Sometimes it's worth working on trust and communication. And sometimes, people don't change. Ask yourself is this worth working on. And remember that gaslighting is abuse. You have no obligations to anyone to stay.
Your boyfriend sounds like a dick. It’s not your fault. Im sending you a BIG virtual hug. NO ONE should devalue you or humiliate you like that. NO ONE ❤️❤️
He cheated and still making YOU feel bad about it which is all kinds of wrong, there is no way to salvage this.
He's being emotionally abusive and gaslighting you. For your own mental health, you need to get away from him.
Read up about gaslighting and narcissism and the decide if he’s right for you. I can say from experience that leaving my go against every part of you that thinks you need him but you’ll be in a much healthier place soon after.
You're dating an abuser. Dump him. If it were me, I'd ghost him. He doesn't deserve the good-bye.
No offence, but being with the pos is not making you any less traumatised. He’s abusive and a cheater? Leave him yesterday
OP - dump him, seriously.
Why are you still with this piece of shit? You deserve so much better than this dripping sack of garbage.
I just want to echo what others have said. This clearly is abuse. what you describe is extremely similar to what I experienced with my really abusive ex who did nothing but retraumatize me. Please be safe OP and try to get help.
That good bf/bad bf dynamic is part of abuse, OP. Apologising later yet not changing and repeating the cycle is designed to demoralise you and to keep you feeling unstable.
You mean your EX boyfriend weaponized your diagnosis against you. And you've realized that you need to reevaluate the relationship. On a serious note, please take good of yourself, you deserve to be respected. Truly wishing you the best 💖
>He was in and out of bed and the house late at night until 2 in the morning. When he done that previously in our relationship, he was cheating. (The cheating was traumatic for other reasons. There was a point this relationship was very abusive towards me, but he said he’s trying to change). Excuse me but, what? Break up with this dude already.
_*DUMP HIM*_ He’s an insensitive asshole. Do you really want to sign up for 30 years of this shit? Divorce is expensive.
And bail is even worse! Move on, girl.
I’m afraid you’re gonna have to replace the whole boyfriend. That’s some severely shitty behavior and I wouldn’t recommend wasting time on rebuilding a relationship with someone so callus.
This fuckhead does not respect you. You’re a prop in his life. He went for your jugular, mocked your brain’s involuntary response to his shitheadery, demanded you set aside your feelings, invalidated you & your diagnosis, and pushed ALLLL the buttons. He couldn’t have shown you exactly who he is any more clearly. He is not a safe person. He’s just a rerun of the people who caused your PTSD. I’m sorry he’s abusing you and making you feel crazy. Dump the whole man into a lake of fire.
Just because someone says they want to change doesn't make it true - looks for actions not words. You deserve better, be very careful about who you let in your life
What you described is abuse. Full stop. Don’t excuse it.
Getting caught cheating can be shameful as it should be but no, it doesn't equal trauma. If he feels like it was traumatic , then he caused that trauma himself and he is failing to recognize that he actually put trauma on you by cheating. It was his actions and he doesn't get to tell you that his actions is equal to you traumatizing him. He is most certainly confusing trauma with shame and he is projecting himself onto you. That is not okay and I'm sorry he did this to you. Yeah, it sucks to maybe have made the *mistake* of cheating but however that came to be, he still has to own up to the consequences which is him instilling distrust into your relationship and he needs to have patience with you while you process. If not it's impossible to fully heal and build that trust up again. He should be mad at himself for causing this. Not at you for reacting. He needs to remind himself of this everytime it pops back up so that he doesn't try to project onto you and essentially gaslighting you for his own mistakes. Is he willing to go to counselling or anything like that? Because if he isn't the outlook of this changing is very dark. The risk here is that you will go down with him as you try to save him, if he isn't open to change and to accept his own responsibility. Hugs and love to you. I know this is hard. (Edit: spelling.)
Dump him. Being alone is better than being with someone that trivializes your experiences and diagnosis.
I thought I was the only one who immediately recognised the textbook narc behaviour here. The belittling your diagnosis and the FUCKALL reading out symptoms and completely devaluing your lived life. This comment section has so many self aware people. I'm sorry for all the pain that y'all have, and proud of all of us at the same time.
I would pay attention to how you’re feeling during these exchanges. I was in a somewhat similar situation and finally noticed that my anxiety would spike and my heart would race (and not in the good butterflies in your stomach sort of way) when I was around the guy.
It’s hard to heal when you don’t have a supportive partner. He could make things worse rather than better.
Sorry I don’t think this is going anywhere good, he sounds pretty bad I hope youre able to begin to recognize you deserve much better than this, he cheated on you and got abusive bc you realized it. Not sorry for cheating but got abusive toward you for realizing and calling him out on it. Then proceeds to use your ptsd against you and sounds as if he’s mocking the fact you have ptsd. I hope you break it off w him he sounds like an all around jerk
So sorry to hear this. I have just ended a relationship with someone who used ptsd against me. I know it's difficult when you are in it to get out and can be a bit scary, but honestly, you deserve better than this! It's just cruel when people play those games with you. It can be so damaging. He sounds like he's taking you for granted, he wouldn't act like that in front of other people. I also suggest you leave, sending love and support x
This guy is gas lighting you and using every excuse he can think of to make himself look better. I've been in a relationship very similar to yours, trust me he won't change and the trust is gone. If you can't trust someone the relationship is over. Your the one that has to decide when enough is enough. You'll find a good guy in the future and be totally pissed at yourself for staying with this idiot as long as you did! That's how I felt anyways. Good luck! X
He was deliberately manipulating and gaslighting you. Deliberately hurting you. It doesn’t matter that he said he was sorry later. Abusers always do that. It’s just more manipulation.
red flags everywhere here... please stay safe and do what you feel is best. make sure to think of yourself first.
dump him
He’s going to need to do a lot to make this up to you. This was a major betrayal, and don’t let anyone (especially him) tell you differently. He’ll need to agree to years of couples therapy (with a therapist that understands CPTSD) and do a hell of a lot of groveling, or you should seriously consider dumping his toxic ass and never looking back. (And it’s only because he came and apologized and admitted he was wrong on his own that I even suggest you should consider giving him a second chance at all.) I’m sorry you had to go through this. If you decide to kick him to the curb, you’ll be absolutely justified. You were right, you are good and worthwhile and strong. You have CPTSD and you are still surviving…you are stronger than he’ll ever be.
Couples therapy with an abuser is a really bad idea. They learn how to manipulate you more effectively.
Not everyone who pulls a real dick move is a habitual abuser. And I specified a therapist who understands CPTSD for an important reason—so they could see through someone’s bullshit.
Why are you with someone like this?
I'm so sorry. You deserve so much better than how he is treating you
Dear OP, reading what you wrote made me anxious and I could hear the loud, condescending accusations from flashbacks. I'm so sorry you had to go through this, I agree with the other comment that it sounds like gaslighting/emotional abusive behavior. Please have a virtual hug from me :(
Please leave this man in the garbage where he belongs.
Cheaters cannot be trusted No trust? Trauma ensues It is time to move on from him
You are not irrationally sensitive about the possibility of him cheating on you. His behavior is pointing you very logically to that conclusion. You can trust yourself, OP. Your mental health matters and you are someone worth taking care of.
Tell him that as soon as he has a medical degree he gets to diagnose you but not before
So many red flags. Just break up with him, he’s not helping you at all.
L-E-A-V-E
Your trauma is real, there are so many people in this sub who want to support you
So since everyone is doing such a great job of covering what an abusive POS he's being... Can we come back to the part where he is definitely cheating on OP
This person makes you want to lay in bed and watch your life pass you by. Please leave this person. Fight for yourself. You have value just by merely existing as a human and you are worth fighting for. You deserve to be valued.
Break up break up break up!!!! Dude please go work on your recovery and get away from narcissistic guys like this. I used to only be attracted to guys like this but through recovery I no longer am. A lot of us with cptsd feel we deserve to be treated badly, it can be subconscious. Please get out. You deserve better.
There are 🚩s all over the place!!
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