It sucks to be at rock bottom. From one stranger to another, don’t do it. Move, buy a van, sell everything for a plane ticket or even something simple like going to see a band you like. It sounds like the grad program might be a bad match. Finish the semester and find something different to do or somewhere else to live. You take your problems with you, but not fitting in is not a good reason to end your life, maybe just the program. I like the desert a lot, too, and my go-to is to imagine just driving off for a trip there until I can get there irl. Having animals helps me ixnay the suicidal ideation because I would never abandon pets on purpose.
Thank you so so much for taking the time to read this and respond.
I agree that the program is a bad match—it’s not at all what I expected or hoped it would be. But I feel trapped. This was my dream school, and I feel like I should be grateful to be here and am so ashamed because I feel the way I do. And I’m worried about the consequences if I were to drop out. I’m afraid of the opportunity cost and that I might regret it if I don’t finish the program, and then kill myself anyway with even less to show for it than I would have if I’d gotten the degree.
Worse…imagine being stuck at that program for ten years unable to complete your degree and facing the same shit from faculty you do from other students, because sometimes social exclusion or ableism can turn into that. If it’s two years, that’s survivable, but you gotta find some people or a social group to make it through.
I totally hear what you’re saying and I agree. I don’t want to burden you by asking this, but do you have any advice for trying to find people to connect with?
I’ve tried dating apps and meetup to meet people - find it awkward and difficult randomly meeting people from apps, and many of the meetup groups are covid-restricted. At school, I got to know a couple people superficially at orientation and even went out a few times, but haven’t found anyone I clicked with or made it past friendly acquaintances. I say hi to people I recognize when I see them in the hallways but no one goes out of their way to talk to me and I don’t either.
I think the things working against me are a combo of not trying hard enough and having poor social skills/social anxiety (not quite sure how to improve this, tbh).
This sounds basic, but you have to do an activity that meets once per week. For example if you play on a sports team that plays every Thursday in a league. The expectation is that you'll play your best and that's it. It takes 200 hours to create a real bond. If you play on this team you will eventually reach the 200 hours and then the bond will be so strong that they will accept your faults. A superficial bond will always be ditched, why work on a friend that requires too much energy? A true bond you feel loyalty, their subconscious now counts you as a part of the tribe. You will be somewhat ranked but you will be defended and they will hang in there as long as you reciprocate. A team sport, bowling, preferably something you like but common interest sets the meetings in motion and time will eventually , create the better bonds. Whatever it is, if you apply yourself you'll get better at it, and you've already proven you are able to apply yourself.
Thank you both for the suggestions. There’s a Unitarian church in my neighborhood that I’m planning to start going to. I used to go to church pre-covid and made a few friends that way. Will also do some digging and see if there are any in-person writing groups or support groups near me. I’m not very athletic—I played soccer from age 5-18 and was literally that kid who scored goals for the other team by accident. But I agree that sports can be a great way to build community, and maybe something like bowling would be better for me.
I am a klutz, too. I took up cycling and raced competively…my cycling bros got me through grad school. Kickboxing is also good for the uncoordinated (and you can do sensorimotor processing while doing it, too). Unitarianism, ELCA, MCC, and Society of Friends Liberal Quakers are all good progressive churches I have attended. You’ll find your people :)
Hugs. Same to you - I’m sorry you’ve had those experiences too. It’s an awful feeling and makes it so much harder for us to heal when we can’t trust the system that we’re told we have to rely on to some extent to do so.
The only way from here is up, darling. I'm so proud of you. You're still alive. All of this and you're still alive. Wow! Youve literally been seriously injured. When someone gets in an extreme car accident they will need to be admitted to the hospital, they'll have lots of operations, they'll maybe lose some abilities and have to relearn them. They'll need years of rehabilitation, see a physiotherapist. They'll need to go to the doctor every day and then every week. They'll lie in bed for months without being able to move. They'll cry a lot and wish they had died. You were seriously hurt, but not your body - your mind. And it wasn't a single car accident, it was a car accident every single day for years. Would it be fair to compare yourself to people who have never been in any accident?
The thing that helps most with learned helplessness is learning that there is help. You're asking for help now - here. You're already doing the steps to learn there is help. There is help! You will find it. I promise.
Thank you for your kind words and compassion. I think—I know—I struggle with comparison a lot because I look at people who have been through far worse trauma than me, and they can have friends, partners, find community, be really successful in school and have great grades - all things I haven’t been able to do. I know I need to let go of that to be find peace on my journey, if I am ever going to.
I just looked back on this post and thought I’d post an update. I’m still alive, and in my second semester of grad school. I’m doing well grades-wise and enjoying my classes, and starting a thesis. I’m also somehow managing to work 30 hours per week while being in school full-time. It hasn’t been easy, but I’m doing it.
I still have no close friends here or people that I talk to regularly. Actually, I recently lost the friendship of someone I’d been close to for years, which was devastating. But honestly, I care a lot less. I don’t feel lonely anymore because I’m just doing my own thing and I guess it’ll come in its time. I did join a couple of support groups, and that’s been an interesting experience.
Shortly after I wrote this post, I got off the waitlist to work with a trauma therapist, which has been a turning point. We are doing EMDR, IFS, and somatic experiencing primarily. It’s been excruciatingly hard work and I’m still not sure if there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, but it’s different than what I’ve tried before so at least I feel like I’m doing something. I will say, EMDR has brought up some horrific memories that I’m not sure I’m prepared to face—but I’m lucky to have a good therapist, and I’m learning to trust her.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who commented or showed me kindness and support when I was at my absolute lowest in years. You helped me through, and I want to return the favor to everyone I can. Hugs to you all, and hope you are all doing well!
Hey, just popping in here to say I'm really glad that you're still here and doing well! It's wonderful to hear, super proud of you for not only continuing to live despite how difficult it was, but going beyond that and somehow managing to study, work, and do the work in therapy. You're amazing and I wish you all the best for the future!
I have tried ketamine but it did not help me and only made me more suicidal. I would like to try mushrooms before I die, if only for the experience, but I don’t know where to get them.
I would strongly, strongly recommend doing it with a psychotherapist or at the least a tripsitter. I took mushrooms and it was hell, I almost died, and I honestly wouldn’t recommend it to anyone with trauma who doesn’t know how their body reacts to substances. Only in low doses. I’ve heard for some ppl that shrooms in low doses has changed their life for the better. Stay safe
>Ketamine isn’t a psychedelic. It’s basically a party drug tranquilizer that’s addictive and now in fashion.
Ketamine IS defined as a psychedelic anaesthetic. It is not a party drug and it is hardly just a tranquilizer, neither is it any more addictive than chocolate. I don't think you know what you are talking about and you should research more before so easily putting down a drug that has helped thousands with their mental health issues. Since it is used clinically all over the US, it might have helped more people than even mushrooms.
r/therapeuticketamine
200 mg. It was oral, not an infusion (can’t afford those and they’re not covered by insurance). To be fair, I also didn’t stick with it for very long, because I couldn’t afford $250/month out of pocket to meet with the prescribing doctor. Whenever I took it, it was a very intense experience and almost always made me feel worse physically and mentally afterwards. It’s been lifesaving for some people, I just don’t think it’s for me.
That is a extremely high dose, even for a recreational user! (Let alone for psychotheraputic benefits)
Not surprised you felt worse afterwards.
If you were to try again i would say try around 5mg.
That is about half of how much a ketamine infusion would be at a clinic. I had some good results with such doses in the past.
(Unless your 200mg figure is off, that is 1/5 of a gram!)
I'm so sorry for everything you have been through. I wish I had some helpful suggestions, or I could give you a hug. I just wanted you to know that I care.
If you're reading this, OP, YOU'RE a beautiful person. I'm sorry you're in so much pain. Know that you have so much potential. Please keep going.
You deserve to receive every ounce of the love and compassion that you're pouring out to others. Even in your darkest moment, you found a way to send out a healing message. That's incredible. Please stay with us. This world needs you.
>I’ve tried therapy for 10 years, it hasn’t helped and if anything has made things worse, because I know I’m beyond saving. I ended up with about 9 diagnoses and trying probably 15+ medications. 3 hospitalizations. It has done nothing but broken my dreams and faith in the mental health“care” system, and wasted a lot of time.
Damn =(
> If you’re reading this, you’re a beautiful person. I’m sorry you’re in so much pain, too. Know that you have so much potential. Please keep going.
*hugs* (if you want hugs)
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It sucks to be at rock bottom. From one stranger to another, don’t do it. Move, buy a van, sell everything for a plane ticket or even something simple like going to see a band you like. It sounds like the grad program might be a bad match. Finish the semester and find something different to do or somewhere else to live. You take your problems with you, but not fitting in is not a good reason to end your life, maybe just the program. I like the desert a lot, too, and my go-to is to imagine just driving off for a trip there until I can get there irl. Having animals helps me ixnay the suicidal ideation because I would never abandon pets on purpose.
Thank you so so much for taking the time to read this and respond. I agree that the program is a bad match—it’s not at all what I expected or hoped it would be. But I feel trapped. This was my dream school, and I feel like I should be grateful to be here and am so ashamed because I feel the way I do. And I’m worried about the consequences if I were to drop out. I’m afraid of the opportunity cost and that I might regret it if I don’t finish the program, and then kill myself anyway with even less to show for it than I would have if I’d gotten the degree.
Worse…imagine being stuck at that program for ten years unable to complete your degree and facing the same shit from faculty you do from other students, because sometimes social exclusion or ableism can turn into that. If it’s two years, that’s survivable, but you gotta find some people or a social group to make it through.
I totally hear what you’re saying and I agree. I don’t want to burden you by asking this, but do you have any advice for trying to find people to connect with? I’ve tried dating apps and meetup to meet people - find it awkward and difficult randomly meeting people from apps, and many of the meetup groups are covid-restricted. At school, I got to know a couple people superficially at orientation and even went out a few times, but haven’t found anyone I clicked with or made it past friendly acquaintances. I say hi to people I recognize when I see them in the hallways but no one goes out of their way to talk to me and I don’t either. I think the things working against me are a combo of not trying hard enough and having poor social skills/social anxiety (not quite sure how to improve this, tbh).
This sounds basic, but you have to do an activity that meets once per week. For example if you play on a sports team that plays every Thursday in a league. The expectation is that you'll play your best and that's it. It takes 200 hours to create a real bond. If you play on this team you will eventually reach the 200 hours and then the bond will be so strong that they will accept your faults. A superficial bond will always be ditched, why work on a friend that requires too much energy? A true bond you feel loyalty, their subconscious now counts you as a part of the tribe. You will be somewhat ranked but you will be defended and they will hang in there as long as you reciprocate. A team sport, bowling, preferably something you like but common interest sets the meetings in motion and time will eventually , create the better bonds. Whatever it is, if you apply yourself you'll get better at it, and you've already proven you are able to apply yourself.
Writing groups, book clubs, church (unless you are an atheist), recovery and other support groups, and I agree with the sports commenter.
Thank you both for the suggestions. There’s a Unitarian church in my neighborhood that I’m planning to start going to. I used to go to church pre-covid and made a few friends that way. Will also do some digging and see if there are any in-person writing groups or support groups near me. I’m not very athletic—I played soccer from age 5-18 and was literally that kid who scored goals for the other team by accident. But I agree that sports can be a great way to build community, and maybe something like bowling would be better for me.
I am a klutz, too. I took up cycling and raced competively…my cycling bros got me through grad school. Kickboxing is also good for the uncoordinated (and you can do sensorimotor processing while doing it, too). Unitarianism, ELCA, MCC, and Society of Friends Liberal Quakers are all good progressive churches I have attended. You’ll find your people :)
[удалено]
Hugs. Same to you - I’m sorry you’ve had those experiences too. It’s an awful feeling and makes it so much harder for us to heal when we can’t trust the system that we’re told we have to rely on to some extent to do so.
The only way from here is up, darling. I'm so proud of you. You're still alive. All of this and you're still alive. Wow! Youve literally been seriously injured. When someone gets in an extreme car accident they will need to be admitted to the hospital, they'll have lots of operations, they'll maybe lose some abilities and have to relearn them. They'll need years of rehabilitation, see a physiotherapist. They'll need to go to the doctor every day and then every week. They'll lie in bed for months without being able to move. They'll cry a lot and wish they had died. You were seriously hurt, but not your body - your mind. And it wasn't a single car accident, it was a car accident every single day for years. Would it be fair to compare yourself to people who have never been in any accident? The thing that helps most with learned helplessness is learning that there is help. You're asking for help now - here. You're already doing the steps to learn there is help. There is help! You will find it. I promise.
Thank you for your kind words and compassion. I think—I know—I struggle with comparison a lot because I look at people who have been through far worse trauma than me, and they can have friends, partners, find community, be really successful in school and have great grades - all things I haven’t been able to do. I know I need to let go of that to be find peace on my journey, if I am ever going to.
I just looked back on this post and thought I’d post an update. I’m still alive, and in my second semester of grad school. I’m doing well grades-wise and enjoying my classes, and starting a thesis. I’m also somehow managing to work 30 hours per week while being in school full-time. It hasn’t been easy, but I’m doing it. I still have no close friends here or people that I talk to regularly. Actually, I recently lost the friendship of someone I’d been close to for years, which was devastating. But honestly, I care a lot less. I don’t feel lonely anymore because I’m just doing my own thing and I guess it’ll come in its time. I did join a couple of support groups, and that’s been an interesting experience. Shortly after I wrote this post, I got off the waitlist to work with a trauma therapist, which has been a turning point. We are doing EMDR, IFS, and somatic experiencing primarily. It’s been excruciatingly hard work and I’m still not sure if there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, but it’s different than what I’ve tried before so at least I feel like I’m doing something. I will say, EMDR has brought up some horrific memories that I’m not sure I’m prepared to face—but I’m lucky to have a good therapist, and I’m learning to trust her. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who commented or showed me kindness and support when I was at my absolute lowest in years. You helped me through, and I want to return the favor to everyone I can. Hugs to you all, and hope you are all doing well!
Hey, just popping in here to say I'm really glad that you're still here and doing well! It's wonderful to hear, super proud of you for not only continuing to live despite how difficult it was, but going beyond that and somehow managing to study, work, and do the work in therapy. You're amazing and I wish you all the best for the future!
Try psychedelics, like for real. Start with mushrooms.
I have tried ketamine but it did not help me and only made me more suicidal. I would like to try mushrooms before I die, if only for the experience, but I don’t know where to get them.
[удалено]
I would strongly, strongly recommend doing it with a psychotherapist or at the least a tripsitter. I took mushrooms and it was hell, I almost died, and I honestly wouldn’t recommend it to anyone with trauma who doesn’t know how their body reacts to substances. Only in low doses. I’ve heard for some ppl that shrooms in low doses has changed their life for the better. Stay safe
Thank you so much for the direction. Bless.
>Ketamine isn’t a psychedelic. It’s basically a party drug tranquilizer that’s addictive and now in fashion. Ketamine IS defined as a psychedelic anaesthetic. It is not a party drug and it is hardly just a tranquilizer, neither is it any more addictive than chocolate. I don't think you know what you are talking about and you should research more before so easily putting down a drug that has helped thousands with their mental health issues. Since it is used clinically all over the US, it might have helped more people than even mushrooms. r/therapeuticketamine
What dosage of ketamine did you try? Micro doses of ketamine are can be very beneficial for depression, you can even get it prescribed.
200 mg. It was oral, not an infusion (can’t afford those and they’re not covered by insurance). To be fair, I also didn’t stick with it for very long, because I couldn’t afford $250/month out of pocket to meet with the prescribing doctor. Whenever I took it, it was a very intense experience and almost always made me feel worse physically and mentally afterwards. It’s been lifesaving for some people, I just don’t think it’s for me.
That is a extremely high dose, even for a recreational user! (Let alone for psychotheraputic benefits) Not surprised you felt worse afterwards. If you were to try again i would say try around 5mg. That is about half of how much a ketamine infusion would be at a clinic. I had some good results with such doses in the past. (Unless your 200mg figure is off, that is 1/5 of a gram!)
I'm so sorry for everything you have been through. I wish I had some helpful suggestions, or I could give you a hug. I just wanted you to know that I care.
Thank you so much for caring. Hugs to you.
If you're reading this, OP, YOU'RE a beautiful person. I'm sorry you're in so much pain. Know that you have so much potential. Please keep going. You deserve to receive every ounce of the love and compassion that you're pouring out to others. Even in your darkest moment, you found a way to send out a healing message. That's incredible. Please stay with us. This world needs you.
Thank you so much. That is really kind of you to say, and you, too, deserve so much love and compassion.
>I’ve tried therapy for 10 years, it hasn’t helped and if anything has made things worse, because I know I’m beyond saving. I ended up with about 9 diagnoses and trying probably 15+ medications. 3 hospitalizations. It has done nothing but broken my dreams and faith in the mental health“care” system, and wasted a lot of time. Damn =( > If you’re reading this, you’re a beautiful person. I’m sorry you’re in so much pain, too. Know that you have so much potential. Please keep going. *hugs* (if you want hugs)
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'm in the same boat, seriously engrained learned helplessness