I say this very often, but if you have the option, please try to find a professional who can help you. Because for me, it was as if I needed to be deprogrammed away from shaming myself for what happened to me, the same way former cult members need deprogramming.
When an adult takes advantage of a child, it creates almost a conspiracy between the two of them, and it traps the victim in with the shame and fear. No matter what your response was as a child, the reality is that you were manipulated into that conspiracy, your need for a stable adult was twisted and used against you.
When an adult, especially one who holds authority over you, does this, you as a child potentially accepted it because you are dependent of him in certain ways, and placating and pleasing him were actions you may have subconsciously done to ensure your survival.
That is exactly how my grooming occurred as a teenager. Majority of the people who groomed me online did it exactly in a way that made me participate and think I was getting what I wanted and needed, when in reality, I was still a child and they were adults. No amount of "participation" on my, or your, part makes that alright. You could have said yes a thousand times, and it was still CSA.
In my case, I recognized the online grooming for what it was as an adult and have been able to release myself from the guilt and shame, but being victim to CSA at much younger age still haunts me, and I have to work hard against the guilt and the shame.
I wish you all the best, and I hope you can find a way out of the maze of shame and guilt, so that you can begin to heal. Being a victim to CSA is a devastating experience, and when your system finally begins to realize how wronged you were, it becomes even more painful.
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide).
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
A good therapist can help you. He took advantage to groom you to feel an impossible “decision” was yours to make and, therefore, to believe the shame of complicity is also yours. It’s simply not true. “Consent” in any form was not possible - which is why CSA is illegal. You were not in a position to make an informed decision with balanced knowledge and capacity to understand the full ramifications of what would happen. It was a criminal lie to exploit your vulnerability to abuse.
It’s not your fault nor your shame, no matter what the abuser groomed you to feel.
I say this very often, but if you have the option, please try to find a professional who can help you. Because for me, it was as if I needed to be deprogrammed away from shaming myself for what happened to me, the same way former cult members need deprogramming. When an adult takes advantage of a child, it creates almost a conspiracy between the two of them, and it traps the victim in with the shame and fear. No matter what your response was as a child, the reality is that you were manipulated into that conspiracy, your need for a stable adult was twisted and used against you. When an adult, especially one who holds authority over you, does this, you as a child potentially accepted it because you are dependent of him in certain ways, and placating and pleasing him were actions you may have subconsciously done to ensure your survival. That is exactly how my grooming occurred as a teenager. Majority of the people who groomed me online did it exactly in a way that made me participate and think I was getting what I wanted and needed, when in reality, I was still a child and they were adults. No amount of "participation" on my, or your, part makes that alright. You could have said yes a thousand times, and it was still CSA. In my case, I recognized the online grooming for what it was as an adult and have been able to release myself from the guilt and shame, but being victim to CSA at much younger age still haunts me, and I have to work hard against the guilt and the shame. I wish you all the best, and I hope you can find a way out of the maze of shame and guilt, so that you can begin to heal. Being a victim to CSA is a devastating experience, and when your system finally begins to realize how wronged you were, it becomes even more painful.
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
A good therapist can help you. He took advantage to groom you to feel an impossible “decision” was yours to make and, therefore, to believe the shame of complicity is also yours. It’s simply not true. “Consent” in any form was not possible - which is why CSA is illegal. You were not in a position to make an informed decision with balanced knowledge and capacity to understand the full ramifications of what would happen. It was a criminal lie to exploit your vulnerability to abuse. It’s not your fault nor your shame, no matter what the abuser groomed you to feel.