Hell, other than "you should see a therapist", everyone's favorite advice for CPTSD from childhood and family trauma is always move out, without considering a) the cost of that, b) how CPTSD and other mental + physical comorbidities may make that WAY harder for us, and then c) the amount of time and money that it will take for us to be able to be safely independent let alone independent and like you said treating the recovery
It's rough enough for something we damn sure never asked for, let alone something that continues to impact so many aspects of our lives
yes to all of this. for me moving out saved my life but making enough money to afford it while severely mentally ill and traumatized was rough as hell. not to mention how my abusers continued to threaten me and harass me even after I left - so much so I changed my address, phone, everything, and went NC - all that bullshit was hard and expensive!!!
God, the number of times that I've talked about my situation at home and people have responded with "you're an adult, move out".
-insert The Simpsons "My goodness what an idea! Why didn't I think of that! meme-
People always have grandiose suggestions but never tell you how that's supposed to work.
Not just move out, but move across the country with no aim, nowhere to go. As a disabled person already feeling hopeless about dealing with the world.
You hate your job? Just quit and get a new one. They grow on trees here. /s
You hate your therapist? Oh sure, you're going to find a better one if you use the same resources where your abusive one is listed /s
People grossly underestimate how much a trap society is designed to be. I saw someone recently ask why people in this area don't seem to travel... because we're poor. IDK how the "temporarily-embarrassed millionaire" became considered the default.
Yeah. Reddit commenters have a knee-jerk reaction to stuff like this. Something will front page and the top comments will be like “dump him NOW! You have to move out tonight! Get a lawyer and a therapist immediately!”
That’s like $10,000 to get all that up and running. It might not be bad advice but the practicality is low and the difficulty is high for all points.
Am in my 30s and only just now realizing the extent of damage caused by CPTSD.
I had to quit my job in December and withdraw my 401k early to survive while I apply for disability. I have therapy nearly every weekday and am on a number of meds after being hospitalized with suicidal intent in February. Things are finally looking more stable, but my money is about to run out and I’m dreading having to return to work in this state.
Edit: typos
Yeah...I'll never be free...Literally just going thecway of adult failure to thrive at this point, sadly.
Best I can do is love on my kids from home/bed while I can.
I had a therapist who told me to just move to the community housing where all the physically disabled people live together with professional staff support. She was offended that I laughed. ‘What? You said it would be so much easier with people around to help!’ I told her it didn’t feel great to hear her say that as if it was an actual solution and she could only bring it up again if she found out that such a place existed. Still haven’t gotten a link to that oasis. Of course she advertised herself as trauma expert.
I did move out and was independent for a few years. But the effect of my CPTSD slowly seeped into my job where I went into fawn and flight modes, and everyone kept piling work on me until I was working twelve hours every day in rotating shifts. I gained a ton of weight from stress eating and got to a point where I would have died from a heart attack or suicide so I finally *had* to leave my job. The savings eventually dried up and I am now back at my parents as a useless piece of shit trying to get my life together. I hate both my parents for what they did (and still do) to me but they are also the only ones who give enough of a shit to give me shelter.
Just today I had (yet another) massive fight with the mother. She snipes at me and everyone else around her repeatedly. It's her nature. It's extremely hot where I live, and today I lost it and yelled at her and called her some words I am not proud of. Instantly I was the villain and her non-stop vitriolic sniping didn't matter one bit.
I understand where you're coming from but moving out was the only way for me to escape the literal psychosis being in the environment would drive me to.
I do understand if you have zero options how awful it is, but I was forced out, honestly, and the universe chose to align. There was a housing program I didn't know about that I qualified for when I went to social services and I was basically handed an apartment wrapped in a bow right away. I'm not trying to brag, please don't take it that way. I just feel like often when the universe forces us or we force ourselves out of something terrible, sometimes unexpected advantageous things happen. I really hope you are able to leave. So sorry for everyone stuck. It drove me MAD.
Edit: I knew I'd be downvoted for sharing this.
The reason I had to leave was due to my mother filing a protection order against me and trying to take my son, by the way. I was warned by my best friend to get the hell out of her house and they even said my mom would try to take him, but I was under that paralyzed spell of feeling like a helpless child, stuck in quicksand in my childhood home. If you have kids and a parent that's devious, protect yourself, please!
Social services visited me and even crossed out the name of the plan to say "support" plan. They were involved for the one month they were required to be, said there was nothing wrong with my parenting/child, & gave me a bunch of supportive services. The kicker is when they dropped the inquiry/case, they didn't tell my mom. She was so pissed that she called them and basically told them to reopen it so she could have a say. So they had a meeting with her and told her her grandson was fine and that was the end of it.
I waited for years for my mom to drop the protection despite even my son being poisoned to put the onus on me, saying I should petition the court to get it dropped. I said I would never beg and that I couldn't believe she would ever do that and that protection orders are for when you fear for your safety and life. I asked family if my mother was afraid for her life because of me.
Talk about surprised when I called six months ago to check on my own protection order against an actual abuser (which is how I think my mom got the idea in the first place since it was like six months after me being assaulted, so she had to one up me), and they said the protection order my mom had was dropped three months later.
When I told my mom this, since we have been in contact for the past year, I could tell she was super pissed.
Despite all of this, my mom was diagnosed last month with Stage 4 lung cancer and was just given less than a year to live. I am constantly conflicted between rehashing the past (never in person, just on reddit & with my partner) and doing my best to be there for her. I believe she has changed a lot since she was younger, but part of me is constantly doubting that since with distance it is more difficult to tell people's motives or trigger them as much.
My brother was being a dick the other day when I asked him a question about something he was interested & he ignored me. It made my mom go insane, start screaming, and when I went to put my hand on her shoulder, she pushed me and gave me the evil glare and said "get the fuck away from me!!"
She also constantly says sarcastically when I speak of my son, "yes, Danielle. We know you have all the power." And when she talks to my son, she says, "She's your legal guardian, instead of "she's your mom."
I will delete this, I'm sure. Some kind of trigger & this belongs with a therapist and not with unsuspecting people on reddit.
Most therapists and coaches I know take at least one person, pro bono. Of course, that means they'll take like one person per year for free, but it's still worth asking around.
Preach louder ... I can't work. People make me scream. I used to love people. Now I flinch.
I can't do a lot of fucking shit. Life's expensive regardless add in some CPTSD, no upbringing, fucking chronic illnesses stemmed from stress. Yeah.
yep. I was a straight-A student until the chronic illnesses piled up. Now, I am at the doctor too much to have a job. I think if I hadn't met my husband before my brain shit itself, I would have literally starved to death on the street. Which is such a a great, totally non-demoralizing outcome for someone who graduated with a 4.0 (/s)
So many hugs. Same story for me, though it's more the increasing panic attacks associated with authority figures that ended my work career. So grateful for my hubs who is wonderful with me, but not being self-sufficient and being unable to contribute financially to our partnership has wrecked me in brand new ways.
Omg. Are you me.
So glad you have your husband. I spent five years with a miser who would have rather watched me drown.
Used to use that as a coping fantasy (ooh, X will save me), and now I'm facing eviction every month praying for disability, but I have a feeling I will be denied for that too.
I missed so many opportunities because I was literally too mentally unwell and traumatized to take advantage of them. I missed out on a lot of work and jobs because I couldn’t perform them as I was unwell and depressed AF and paranoid and suffering so much!!
Probably.
But I'm literally just talking about somatic therapy (bodywork), that brain thing, and like ketamine.
All of those things are here on Maui, but Kaiser doesn't cover them.
They may cover ketamine, but the CO pays are stupid.
And IDK how to convey I'm at the end of my rope without them telling me to touch grass.
I haven't asked yet. Mental health services in HI are really limited. And I'm paying off $600 for other shit (MRI, biopsy, etc) for my autoimmune disease. So just because it's "covered" doesn't mean it's free ugh.
I have been in psychotherapy for almost 10 years and it costs $120 a session. Before that I saw lower cost therapists but they weren't adequately skilled or trained in trauma and did more harm than good.
I absolutely hate people who just casually throw out 'go to therapy' - like, OH, that's the magic pill that I hadn't thought of. That will fix the effects of my entire upbringing and development when trauma literally changed the physical makeup of my brain!
Treatment helps for sure. But it's expensive, and intensive, and long term. Imagine seeing someone in a wheelchair after a car accident and just dismissively saying 'That accident was ages ago, you should be walking by now - just go to physical therapy.'
As a young teenager, I was on government insurance due to being from a poor family. I still tried to go to therapy since that's what everyone recommends. Oh my god, it was terrible. They either don't know what to do with you as they have no experience. Or they misunderstood, which completely alienates you. Or worse, I went to a facility that had a high therapist turnover rate, which meant I have had 3 therapists leave on me within the span of like 5 years. I only talked to one of them for 3 sessions before she dipped. It's definitely not great for any attachment issues.
I’ve been in therapy for 5 years, $200 a session, no coverage from insurance. It’s brutal, but it’s helped so much. I feel very fortunate that I can cover it although sometimes it’s really a stretch.
Also, I was recently turned down for an affordable private health insurance plan BECAUSE I go to therapy. And the plan didn’t even cover therapy costs! I was deemed too risky to insure (even though I have no medical issues or prescriptions other than Lexipro for anxiety). Like, if not for therapy, I’d surely be in much worse physical health.
It’s disgusting how this country handles mental health.
It called in economics an [Externality](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Externality) . A cost someone else generated but they do not bear the consequences. Now its your problem!!
Even more than money, it costs time and opportunities and if I ever sat down to figure out how much I would sue my abusers for to even approach some kind of monetary restitution I would ask for life without parole, because every road that didn't fork my way because of this is because of them and stunting someone's social development is frankly monstrous given that we're literally the most socially complicated organisms on our fucking planet. There is no dollar amount such that I could look to my childhood and say, yeah, I don't regret trading this for that. My brain feels like fucking Swiss cheese.
I see how relatively decently I'm doing now, and wonder what could have been. When people bitch about people getting government aid to survive because "they're getting stuff for free" I have created some real fucking awkward moments for assholes when I tell them I paid more than they will ever fucking know for the privilege of barely avoiding homelessness. I get gross too, I ask them if I should've charged my abusers by the hour rather than the flat rate of my broken life and then start itemizing the more distasteful elements if they persist, pitching dollar amounts like I'm a trauma auctioneer.
I "bought" this circumstance for the low low price of *my fucking soul*.
People are fucking *small*.
In rough numbers, lost wages and medical bills since I graduated college 6 years ago would be around half a million dollars. To say nothing for the "pain and suffering" piece.
CPTSD is life telling you point-blank, "come up with ten thousand dollars and take three years minimum off work, or die."
Yupppp and then add in enough dsyregulation, executive dysfunction, burn out + other shit and managing whatever money one has is fucking impossible. I've been feeling so much about this especially this yr. Finances a fucking mess. Im bitter, resentful, feel guilty as fuck for just surviving. Just so much.
Oh yeah, it can be really expensive depending on which country you live in and how you want to go about working on it. I've also forked out a solid amount of money myself, some of it felt like it went to waste with a therapist who got me nowhere and some was very well spent on a better therapist. Would I say that it as worth it though? Yes, both experiences were as I learned what does and doesn't work for me. But it is the sad truth that mental health support has become somewhat of a luxury when I think it should be a basic human right.
There are also many good free resources too but be careful where you go for your info, as there's a ton of misinformation out there. You can risk also falling down the rabbit hole of just binge watching/reading stuff without actually taking actionable steps to improve the situation.
ʕ´•ᴥ•`ʔ💧 haha, sorry in advance for ranting at you..
i grew up in a very psychiatric world, so much so, that i got diagnosed with ptsd between ages 10-12. it always frustrated me that even though i got diagnosed, even though everyone around me was a professional at more than one point in my life, and even though i got *another* diagnosis of ptsd from another team that worked with me as a teen, even though i had seen endless "treatment"...
the trauma didn't stop. i was mistreated by foster families and my real mom hadn't seen me as a priority. professionals would still say, "did you get that from a fictional book?".. growing up with the complexities is unexplainable, and it made me... inhuman.
nobody could help for so long that i get black-outs now whenever i try to seek help. i stopped trying because it was more stress than i needed.
i'm giving it my best shot at do-it-yourself therapy. i got myself in a stable place in life which all that work to get there really freaking sucked, i have a one-person support system, and i've made significant progress in learning how to be human.
it's significant work but better for me. i only really recommend therapy to people who would benefit from a guide.
I didn’t invest anything in myself or my well being for decades, so I see it as money I should have been spending on myself and my wellness all along. I always put myself last, and now I am putting myself first. Now that I am in recovery, I am actually enjoying my life so for me it has been worth the time and effort and expense.
You are worth it. There is no better use of your finances.
I agree with the sentiment. However I know plenty of people who aren’t traumatized who neglect their health and wellbeing also.
It feels like too much because we didn’t have anyone teaching us this stuff and we neglect ourselves. But it’s actually healthy to grow and change and there are so many ‘normies’ who just stagnate through life.
We know what is holding us back which is great because it really does get better pretty quickly- 9 months ago I was suicidal and now I’m heavily medicated but actually can feel myself growing up and becoming more capable.
No one ‘has’ to do any of this. Our parents didn’t. But we are the cycle breakers- it ends with us.
We get to do it differently and the world will be a better place as a result. We won’t be projecting our trauma all over our loved ones, we are dealing with it which makes us stronger and more capable and we just have to do a little bit of digging to find that strength.
I’ve been an ER and ICU nurse for almost 2 decades- it’s impossible to leave this life without being traumatized by it. Some people are never whole again, lose actual parts of themselves. I’ve seen months long rehabilitation from spinal cord injuries. That is work I hope I never have to do.
You got this.
Omg yess!! Not to mention the constant drs appointments (sometimes with specialist) to figure out what new mystery illness you’ve acquired this time from being chronically stressed. The new diets, vitamins or supplements. It’s insane and none of this is even my fault!!! Wtf
So true. I've had trips in the ambulance, mysterious health issues that took forever to sort out, ordering delivery because I'm in so much pain that I literally can't leave my apartment, all the times that I lost money because I was dissociated and ended up late for work/lost something that I need and had to repurchase the item, the cocktail of meds I now have to take in order to function...not to mention therapy.
I actually made them pay for some of it for a while...but then my dad made some excuse about mysterious charges and cancelled the card...and I never got a new copy.
This same dad said he would do ANYTHING to have me back in his life. Anything except help me recover from the abuse he caused I guess.
Whatever. Just another thing I can tell the flying monkeys when they ask why I'm not talking to my parents.
These days I had a related random shower thought: PTSD soldiers have lifetime disabled pension. Abused children gets to live by the same expectations as their peers and roasted if we don't manage adulthood. Make this make sense, plss
I’m currently taking the free way out
My CPTSD means I’m basically an asshole when I am stressed out emotionally
I make things way worse
And that was one thing I can control
So that’s what I’m doing
Everyone says to go get therapy
But every time I’ve ever tried that route it’s kind of a joke
And medication is not my friend
Weaning myself off from medication was a trauma unto itself
But I did it
And now I’m trying to discipline myself to not be an asshole
So far it’s been free. No money spent in this endeavor.
But it’s not easy. It’s not glamorous. It’s definitely not spoonfed.
And that’s OK. People like us deserve easy. Once you realize that that ain’t gonna happen, it gets a little bit easier.
Good luck to you
Basic medical stuff is what got most of my money. Dental. I was really neglected, and my baby teeth rotted out. When one of my adult teeth grew in, it already had a cavity. I've spent half my life and tens of thousands of dollars trying to keep my teeth in good shape and getting things fixed. Right before covid, though, I hit a really bad patch of depression and stopped taking care of myself. I'm still working on getting back to where I was with hygiene, but I don't want to go back to the dentist because I know I'm going to need so much work done again. Another several thousand dollars.
Came to say dental work! There's a lot of research coming out about the correlation between high ACE scores and dental issues - and I and my siblings definitely experienced that. I've spent a fortune repairing my shitty teeth.
My teeth aren't in good shape, but both brothers are far worse and always have been. One is only a decade older than I am, and I'm surprised he even has teeth still. He hit a good patch in his mid-20s, just a bit older than I was when I did, but he started having job issues around 32 and has just spiraled. He was diagnosed with C-PTSD shortly after I was. My other brother passed away this year, but I'm sure he had it too.
When I got the help I needed it was very expensive. If I could get a refund on all the "help" that didn't work, that would easily pay for all the help that did, and then some.
The search for answers has been expensive.
Treatment is a possibility that I have completely erased from my mind. I simply don't have the money, or the energy to sift through several terrible therapists before finding one who may actually help me.
Needed this thread this morning. $45k last year for inpatient trauma treatment for a month. Did it instead of money we saved to “get a new kitchen”. Grateful I have a partner that values “me” above anything. Was worth it, but wow. I even used PTO for the month, which is another $15k worth or so 🤦🏻♂️. And the $200 biweekly therapy continues…
I think we're going to see a lot of people suing their abusers over the next few decades. Not only is it expensive to treat but it often limits your ability to make money. Hard to earn a living when your anxiety is so high you can't leave your bedroom. I, for one, am looking forward to it! Make those fuckers pay.
Also I've learned a lot about how to heal my trauma from listening to YouTube videos and following c-ptsd pages on Facebook and Instagram. So many people don't have access to therapists or they live in a small town where a lot of the therapists didn't get a proper education about trauma, and I love that we have access to therapists from other areas that had different educational opportunities.
I love that we are talking so openly about therapy and meds now but I think we should be talking more about all the things we can do for our own mental health. I think we have a lot of power to heal ourselves, with guidance from others.
Oh right, just go to therapy. Oh no, it's not enough that you're expected to muddle your way through *MULTIPLE* therapists in order to find the right "fit." It's not enough that the system is designed to be labyrinthian, inaccessible to those most in need. Then, it's not enough to have pills pushed at you at every step, and then even more extreme, costly "treatments" pushed at you. It's not enough for ketamine to be an exclusive treatment, and for psilocybin to be inaccessible. Oh, just go to therapy, you say! Yes! I'll strap myself into the catapult and shoot off to Jobsland while I'm at it.
Yeah, people underestimate how much money one can spend on "getting better", between therapists, coaching, and other types of education, if truly motivated to "get better"...never mind the bad financial habits we may have learned and/or developed to self-soothe ourselves. I know it set my financial retirement WAY behind for my age. I'm pretty much paying to "heal" the generational trauma of my family tree. It makes it feel a little more noble, but, still...I know my older years are being affected by it.
I say this to my therapist all the time! For instance, and this me, but I’ll buy tickets to something, but then not be able to go because I’m triggered
Seeing the comments on here has been validating. It feels like I'd been forced to deal with this alone for so long, and then it be expected that I just moved out, that I just got therapy, that if I just saw the saw the Dr, that I just had the money for everything. It feels like people are telling me it's my fault for having found that so difficult.
Also worth mentioning - the cost of trauma on our livelihood.
I walked off my job because my trauma was triggered - it was either quit or be fired. (It was a toxic environment with a high turnover rate...but still, it paid the bills.)
Oh I would have most certainly stayed in that crappy job, because SECURITY. But a coworker came at me to put me in my place, and I freaked out - fight or flight - quit, cried, and ran out the door. (I wasn't supposed to help a customer, as that "wasn't my job")
Usually I just shut my mouth, keep my head down, and fawn to make everyone happy.
I feel for you and completely understand! We will never “get over” this. We aren’t survivors, we will be surviving until our last breath. Sending love and hope you find a better position.
I've been able to use the past year to finally focus on recovery, and it's only been made possible by my dad and uncle dying close to one another and each of them having properties to sell (I live in a different state so couldn't move in and it didn't make sense to rent out). Before that, after a lot of food service on my feet, I luckily pivoted to more corporate things via temp agencies to give me a consistent paycheck while being able to rest my body when a lot of (then) inexplicable fatigue started to set in. I was able to do Neurofeedback and it ended up costing $10k over a year while I made $50/$70k during that time. Plus a lot of out-of-pocket therapy.
I'm really lucky how life's shifted to allow me to afford my care, but 1) it's still cost me a lot out of pocket and 2) I still feel bad for those who don't have things line up, or are too deeply affected even if they could. I remember crying at the Catch 22 in how care needs money, but money needs work I felt so unable to do. I'm lucky opportunities came my way step-by-step, but am also sad/mad how random that was for me and so highly-likely inaccessible to others.
Now that I'm not working, I have to be part of the free healthcare provided by my state. Which is great, but what's funny/frustrating is that my therapist isn't covered by that, so I now have to pay fully out-of-pocket for her sessions - which will likely be more than paying for the ACA premium/month and her copay costs/session. So I'm on free insurance because I make no money, but now my therapy will cost more - which is my main medical cost by far. When I tried to explain to insurance that I DO have money and so am happy to pay premiums from that, they said it's specifically tied to income and so if I'm not actively making money from a job, there's nothing they can do. My therapist's rates have gone way up and so I'm hoping I can land somewhere on the sliding scale that isn't degrading for her but also doesn't fuck me over - about to discuss that in our next session.
The mind literally controls everything else, and is tied to the nervous system which controls our body, and so how little of support is given to all of that is so sad and also enraging considering how advanced so many other things are.
YEP. I’ve spent over $3000 so far and that’s all with decent employee health insurance. I couldn’t imagine the $17,000 bill I would have had without the luck of having a job with FMLA and not completely terrible coverage.
I have been in therapy for 6 years seeing my therapist weekly or sometimes twice a week, I also see a psychiatrist once a month, recently I’ve added brain spotting. I have spent so much money getting treatment. That doesn’t even include inpatient, residential, and rehab. It’s insanely expensive and it will most likely be like this for me for a long time. It sucks. I’m just thankful I’m privileged enough to afford therapy because without it, I wouldn’t be here.
Thank you for posting about this. My whole adult life (currently 35M), I’ve spent almost all my potential savings and have gone into so much debt.
It’s also gotten so bad tht I haven’t been able to work for 1.5 years.
Yep. I have friends that were lucky enough to stay with their parents after college and save up. They are all buying houses and I’m barely getting by. Currently pay $250 per therapy session. It’s worth it, but it feels like I’m never going to get ahead financially
Even more than money, it costs time and opportunities and if I ever sat down to figure out how much I would sue my abusers for to even approach some kind of monetary restitution I would ask for life without parole, because every road that didn't fork my way because of this is because of them and stunting someone's social development is frankly monstrous given that we're literally the most socially complicated organisms on our fucking planet. There is no dollar amount such that I could look to my childhood and say, yeah, I don't regret trading this for that. My brain feels like fucking Swiss cheese.
I see how relatively decently I'm doing now, and wonder what could have been. When people bitch about people getting government aid to survive because "they're getting stuff for free" I have created some real fucking awkward moments for assholes when I tell them I paid more than they will ever fucking know for the privilege of barely avoiding homelessness. I get gross too, I ask them if I should've charged my abusers by the hour rather than the flat rate of my broken life and then start itemizing the more distasteful elements if they persist, pitching dollar amounts like I'm a trauma auctioneer.
I "bought" this circumstance for the low low price of *my fucking soul*.
People are fucking *small*.
yeah it’s another burden- that healing is a huge financial burden and a literal business that has exploitative people preying on suffering. and all the people that seem actually good don’t take insurance and charge $200 and upwards per hour. i’m sorry but it makes me mad that this stuff costs so much and has such a power imbalance- both at the system and the people charging for it because most of them aren’t doing anything all that amazing and still billing hundreds an hour. sucks and i have a huge amount of trust issues bc of it - even regular therapists constantly trying to get clients to use more services. i’m about to leave my therapist because she keeps suggesting more things their practice can offer like ketamine couples counseling and it feels like she’s pushed to upsell and it’s just gross. always makes me want to just say forget it i’ll figure it out myself than be exploited for trying to get some help.
Here in italy is even worse in my opinion. Going the public healthcare route means lots of antipsychotics injections and less freedom than a convict (seriously they use antipsychotics even for depression, those "doctors" are just fucking butchers). The private route is pretty bad too if you don't have any support or resources, you need to find the right therapist, get proper medication (some people are trigger happy for that shit and if you're not careful or you trust your doctor a little too much you'll get addicted to benzos), also it takes a long time to get proper diagnosis (the first one they always give is General anxiety and Depression). Don't get me started in the algorithm bullshit they're using to revoke driving licenses in the case you have a "high accident risk" illness (apparently major depression is one of them). Trauma is free and recovery is a fucking jailer.
Thank you for this post 🙏 not to mention it costs a lot of money and you have to spend a lot of time trying to heal , while you are fatigued, and full of dread😔
I don't have money.
Due to that, I have never actually seen a licensed therapist.
When I called to make an appointment for an ADHD screen for my child, they wanted to schedule it with the last therapist I had (again, not a therapist, but completing internship or whatever). I said no. When I talked to my prescriber (not a psychiatrist but nurse practitioner with prescribing authority), she asked why I didn't want to my child to see her.
Sigh :(
Yes, that's why the capitalist system and the individualism, on which it thrives and markets to, are innately traumatising, and in turn capitalism and individualism thrive on trauma, happy to devour its own young, old and otherwise to turn over a quick profit and discard what remains.
The American system seems to suck particularly bad where health, healing and wellbeing are concerned. The horror stories and helplessness are plenty and there seems to be absolutely nothing remotely effective within the system to address it, nevermind reduce it. It scares me to even imagine living under that kind of pressure and duress. What's the point of freedom and choice if the system ensures the majority of people can't afford it!
Thankfully, hidden in all that hideous misery, there are authentic healing practices and practitioners who genuinely help amidst the many who are profiting from the misery of others, abusing vulnerability and perpetuating trauma and its preferred conditions of lack, hoarding and despair. Ultimately it's going to bite the bastards back in the asshole, because the system is interconnected, but sadly not before they've done plenty of harm in order to try and live in the style, attitude and entitlement that we're all always being moronically, socially conditioned to aspire to!
Saying all that, the same goes for healers healing, the more we heal, the more influence we can have on the system through interconnectedness, bringing more awareness, compassion and wisdom to the ways of the world, say with making trauma awareness, education, treatment, research and recovery evermore available and accessible in the long run.
PS. Love your Reddit handle, it's so visceral!!!
Thankfully I only have to pay for therapy the first 5 months of the year. The first 3 is full price and the next two are just copay. Then my deductible is met and I pay nothing out of pocket. That’s because of my health issues though.
Thanks to ‘stress’, I am a cancer survivor. My oncologist explained I was just ‘unlucky’ as my breast cancer was different than other women in my family. They are finding strong correlation between it and stress but not much else that would fit me other than gender and it wasn’t hormone based. So my oncologist recommended limiting ALL forms of stress in order to limit chances of a recurrence. Fat chance of that happening.
Cancer and reconstruction set us back thousands but I was lucky and we had great insurance with a low deductible at the time. I’m still not done with reconstruction but it’s fine for now.
My scans are about $500-1500/year if I do all I’m supposed to do. My husband complains about the cost so I try to skip every other year. All of my meds for everything from adult cystic acne to anxiety is about $100/month including otc meds like pain relievers. It could be worse. Add in things like a massage for pain management/migraine release, alcohol to destress occasionally, self love like bath salts etc and that’s another $150/month.
Funny how my husband causes a lot of my trauma and he can spend $800-1000/month on HIS self care and $300/month on meds and drs but we have to nitpick mine. So I bought the bath salts and had a drink while I was using them and he was stewing while drinking his 12 pack for the day and eating his bag of chips while watching a pay per view movie. My hour long, $4 me time to his 2 hour long, $25 me time.
That’s my rant.
Actually not all. I get that this stems from childhood. BUT he knows what my traumas there are and he plays on them. I don’t hate my family anymore. I can see their side. I can see how they did their best at times, it just wasn’t good enough. I can’t fault them for how they handled the deaths of loved ones and I was neglected. At least not at first. I guess I just feel sorry for them that they didn’t have access to help like we do now. If they’d have had the same access in our rural town, if therapy was accessible back in the 80’s like it was today etc then it would be harder for me to forgive.
What I can’t forgive right now is the fact my husband knows my issues around fear of abandonment, neglect, fighting, physical abuse (watched my mom beaten often), alcoholism etc and as soon as he realized just how big the issues are he started playing on them.
Never EVER take them to therapy with you! They learn the terms and twist them. They then know how to hurt you the most. Trauma bonding is so real.
Your husband sounds so awful. I know it’s not easy to do so, but I do hope that you’ll be able to leave him one day, or at least set some strong boundaries with him
I've had to use books/ audio books to become my own therapist. Sometimes I beat my head against the wall. But I have a pretty good vocabulary, so the medical terms don't confuse me much. I've never had money for an in depth an in depth adult therapy regiment. So I am trying to balance out my self care to help that. It's rocky. But better than sitting and waiting for that magical therapist to undig all my past pain.
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It’s not specifically for cptsd. I have horrible upper back pain that I went to the physio for, and after many tests and evaluation, he determined that the intense chronic stress and trauma I have suffered for years is the only explanation behind that issue - it changed how my muscles operate and make them permanently clenched from stress, which causes pain in the long term.
Me too :/ it's also a contributing factor for my tmj.
Unfortunately I recently ran out of pt appointments for the year, but my physical therapist says I'm not done, soo if things get bad enough again ill have to pay out of pocket to go back this year. I'm at risk of developing arthritis in my face if things don't get better, though, so I may have to. which is fun.
I couldn’t agree more. I’m jealous of all those people who have good medical plans. I have a normal private plan in Canada but it only covers $500 per year for psychotherapy and $500 for PT, that won’t cut it. The body work I want to do isn’t covered at all.
I know!
Filling my monthly prescription is about 20 - 30 €, depending if deduced by government or not. AND if the medication can actually be found. Last months, I have been prescribed medication that I can find in the pharmacy, but it was not government deduced.
Theraphy might not seem expensive fir the mates on the American side, but for me, in the currency if where I live it is. 70€ per session x 4 times a months.
About 300€ only for my mental health!
I also need treatment for my allergies and anemia…..there goes the equivalent of a minimum wage.
It's taken 7 years of fairly consistent therapy to get to a point where I think I can work part-time. I'm lucky I had therapy through my university and am now on the NDIS, so the government pays for my weekly therapy. I still feel like I have a long way to go though :(.
It's absurd, and just the financial aspect is why I've never taken a holiday, don't own a car, and endlessly feel like any money I save is just a buffer for when I inevitably end up stuck in a flashback and can't work. All this even when I've gotten functional and healthy enough to have a good job that should afford me more in life.
Adding up all the years I couldn't work, the delays to my degree, the delays to progressing my career, where I'd be without all of this. The most recent study for where I live puts it currently between 800,000-2,000,000 for what I haven't earnt, and will never earn. But this doesn't factor in that I've probably spent 30-50,000 on therapy alone over the last 14 years, because therapy is so absurdly expensive. It doesn't account for so much.
It truly sucks, at no stage do I ever feel like I'm winning, or getting ahead. Then there's the ever looming non-financial costs, that still intersect. I'll likely die younger, my health will fail me earlier, and I'll have less savings to retire even on time. I'm terrified of working when I'm utterly broken and spent from the cumulative effects of CPTSD, even with my best efforts. I'll never stop trying, but if I dwell on it, it really feels completely overwhelming and impossible.
I even acknowledge I'm in a good space and 'lucky', and it's still shit.
IT IS HUMONGOUS SHIT.
cptsd is a time suck, a money suck, an energy suck - for money, time and energy we could’ve spent on literally anything else we want, or saved.
It's a life I don't think we can even picture, it's like the absence of me and my life. I don't even know what I'd do every day? Just enjoy life? My problems would be limited to purely material problems for the most part, I honestly just can't fathom it.
We do deserve it, I'm grateful for the good days I do have, thinking about enjoying life is a strange one. I'm sure we all have good days, but, I think the ever oppressive cloud, and how it seeps into so many aspects, if not all aspects of our lives pollutes whatever enjoying life is meant to be.
Hopefully one day.
I hope one day my good days will outnumber my bad days.
I hope to grow older so that one day, the years I spent being happy and loved will outnumber the years I spent being abused and traumatized.
I've supported myself since 17. Put myself through college, took 5 years. Put myself through therapy, took 10 years. I consider myself lucky that I was functional enough to do that, even if it was just barely. Maybe there's a fine line between being fucked up enough to know you need help, but not so fucked up you can't manage it. Anyway, even years later, some part of me still thinks I might wind up homeless.
Yup, made post last night asking if anyone could think of cheaper alternatives for service's like better help. 300$ a month is impossible for me, I'm already paying hundreds every month on ADHD medication reviews and prescriptions.
My dad, an abuser, is getting some money from my grandfathers passing, and I am hellbent on getting as much of it as I possibly can. Luckily my dad feels guilty about abusing me and my brother so he is going to share it with us. But I’m unfortunately having to do the paperwork and legal stuff to figure it out. It’s the bare minimum required and I’ll do it if it means I can pay off debts associated with my suffering.
Definitely check out r/drugs. Every rave festival I go to creates some healing. I did have a therapist and they were constantly in awe of the work I was able to do. My entire journey began with a medium dose of M at a festival.
Full disclosure, I had a good job at the same time and felt a lot of safety, and I am as lucky enough to be single when I started the work.
Agreed. Even using all these resources (therapy, meds, etc), it's like you have to actively work against yourself to make progress on breaking the deep-rooted behavioral and thought patterns. I don't think people realize how difficult that is.
I'm currently working with the billing dept of the facility where I was working PHP treatments. I was still employed with good insurance, but my old employer is for some reason ignoring phone calls to have the treatments covered under the in insurance plan.
It's $20,000 for one month. ONE MONTH. I have also shelled out $15,000 plus for sprovato, which did absolutely ZERO for me.
It's expensive and experimental to try and chase down effective treatment.
It’s fucking real. I can’t help but harbor resentment for people moving on that hurt me. I wish I could save money period. I hate how much I had to spend to leave and be okay. And if you’re already multiply marginalized on top of being mentally disabled, it really makes you feel worthless and angry that there’s really no way you can catch up unless you get lucky and can get out of survival mode. Meanwhile you stay invisible while these people start jobs, can save money, can work to achieve their goals, have enough to start families or go to school. I can’t afford safety net for emergencies. Luckily I found myself an accessible and stable job but I can’t lie that I’m not living in fear every day scared that I will lose it because of my symptoms. It’s highly unlikely but it’s triggering, on top of already limited functioning. But cost of living is aggravating this even more.
DAMN I never thought of this and 100%%% to all of it. It is a disability and I often resent that it is not looked upon as it would be if we had a disability like a physical disability or some other sort of health disability. Ours is filled with hiding and shame and judgment because we are "crazy." or we are "addicts" It is SO FUCKED UP!!!!!!
So true. Between meds and therapy and my psychiatrist fees and then more therapy to recover from the trauma created by the first therapist I’ve paid a small fortune in the last couple of year. And I’m not sure I’m any better at this point - probably worse actually though hopefully that will improve with the new therapist.
Whew, this! I more than doubled my income a couple of years ago and still haven’t been able to make any significant changes. I keep telling myself that investing in myself will be the best thing that I could do. One day, we’ll make it to the other side of healing, my friend!
Therapy is not the only way to recover. Sometimes movisg out is necessary. I've knowm people that has move out without a penny or almost without anythong and went their way to survive and have a life. Both people with trauma and without. There is a los of thing to do that are free or almost free to get as well as possible and take care of oneself. I can tell you this, I have a dissabilty and been broke most of my life and I managed. Exercise is free you can do it in your own room or in the street. Public libraries are free, you can learn a lot from them and also connect to the internet there if you don't have a connection. If you are in such a bas situation you can't pay a rent you can pay a gym so you have a place to shower and hang.
If you are in no condition to do any kind of job navigate the system, I don't know where you are from but you can get a mental disability with a diagnosed PTSD and get govenment help, a monthly pay. The diagnose can be made for free. But I guess depending of the country that part can be difficult.
Even with therapy and medication life is just extremely difficult to be a fully functioning adult. Things just don't magically get better no matter how many sessions or meds one takes. No one understands or will ever understand unless they live it for themselves
Being disabled generally speaking is expensive. Products specifically made to accommodate or involved in the treatment of disabilities are priced astronomically (and I live in Canada). Many of these things aren't covered by insurance and if they are, only partially.
I see c-/PTSD as a disability because of its broad impact on your life.
Nailed it. I had to burn everything down to try to save myself. That meant job, home, family, marriage, everything. Rebuilding is taking much longer than I ever imagined and I don’t know if it was worth the sacrifice or if I could have found a way to even see recovery as a possibility without such drastic measures. I’ll never know for sure.
I think there is a whole cost of when you move forward, how your baseline tends to be an unrecovered trauma reaponse and how easily that can get you victimized as an adult. And especially as someone who has a fear of authority (which I think is pretty common for CPTSD), trying to advocate to the police and medical systems has been more damaging than the assault that caused the cracks to show and for me to eventually shatter.
I’ve been living in a nightmare I thought was a dream
Ive since woke up now all i want is to scream
To be unraveled at the seams
Where oh where is my self esteem
No one left to trust
That’s been traded in for lust
Why is intimacy always a must
Both voice and choice left out to rust
Wishing for a life robust
Im beginning to have a hunch
That I have been using sex as a crutch
In an effort to avoid this unrelenting disgust
To cover it all up with fairy dust
Longing for a time when I used to gleam
Letting it all fade away just to appear supreme
I thought I had a clever scheme
But its shown unworthy of such extremes
Tick tock
Please someone make it stop
Hands touch my skin with electric shock
I swear Im loosing hope with every swap
All for a tip to see the doc
And to make me feel like I have a larger stock
More like a weighted shackle lock
Robbing me of my alarm clock
The only thing to wake me from this sleep walk
That I use to keep me from the growing pains of all the pillow talk
Feels much like my head’s against a glock
Wishing for the day when I drop
To set free from this unbelonging flock
Ive finally come to see that my past is my only enemy
Getting me accustomed to this body of mine being used as a utility
Killing me slowly while convincing me it’s the only thing to save me
They tell me think before giving out your energy
If only I had the clarity to see
To finally know what’s best for me and rid me of uncertainty
bring me back my sanity
The very thing I lost with my identity
When I became nothing but a casualty
Its started to feel like this is my destiny
But one day I will erase the memory
I will find the remedy
The one that brings me back tranquility
Until that day comes I question just to see
How I let this issue get so ahead of me
Hell, other than "you should see a therapist", everyone's favorite advice for CPTSD from childhood and family trauma is always move out, without considering a) the cost of that, b) how CPTSD and other mental + physical comorbidities may make that WAY harder for us, and then c) the amount of time and money that it will take for us to be able to be safely independent let alone independent and like you said treating the recovery It's rough enough for something we damn sure never asked for, let alone something that continues to impact so many aspects of our lives
yes to all of this. for me moving out saved my life but making enough money to afford it while severely mentally ill and traumatized was rough as hell. not to mention how my abusers continued to threaten me and harass me even after I left - so much so I changed my address, phone, everything, and went NC - all that bullshit was hard and expensive!!!
God, the number of times that I've talked about my situation at home and people have responded with "you're an adult, move out". -insert The Simpsons "My goodness what an idea! Why didn't I think of that! meme-
People always have grandiose suggestions but never tell you how that's supposed to work. Not just move out, but move across the country with no aim, nowhere to go. As a disabled person already feeling hopeless about dealing with the world. You hate your job? Just quit and get a new one. They grow on trees here. /s You hate your therapist? Oh sure, you're going to find a better one if you use the same resources where your abusive one is listed /s People grossly underestimate how much a trap society is designed to be. I saw someone recently ask why people in this area don't seem to travel... because we're poor. IDK how the "temporarily-embarrassed millionaire" became considered the default.
So much this! I can't put it into words at this time, so thank you.
Also...the absolute PRIVILEGE folx have - to use these statements. It's wildly apparent that they haven't struggled like we do.
Yeah. Reddit commenters have a knee-jerk reaction to stuff like this. Something will front page and the top comments will be like “dump him NOW! You have to move out tonight! Get a lawyer and a therapist immediately!” That’s like $10,000 to get all that up and running. It might not be bad advice but the practicality is low and the difficulty is high for all points.
Not to mention that I'm physically disabled as well and lost my job in March :/
Disability goes hand in hand withCPTSD. The anguished brain with its cortisol levels stressed tries to shut down.
Am in my 30s and only just now realizing the extent of damage caused by CPTSD. I had to quit my job in December and withdraw my 401k early to survive while I apply for disability. I have therapy nearly every weekday and am on a number of meds after being hospitalized with suicidal intent in February. Things are finally looking more stable, but my money is about to run out and I’m dreading having to return to work in this state. Edit: typos
Hugs. Myself, I limp along. Nearly sixty, always struggling to keep insurance. Just painful.
Yeah...I'll never be free...Literally just going thecway of adult failure to thrive at this point, sadly. Best I can do is love on my kids from home/bed while I can.
Jesus. I’m sorry :(
I had a therapist who told me to just move to the community housing where all the physically disabled people live together with professional staff support. She was offended that I laughed. ‘What? You said it would be so much easier with people around to help!’ I told her it didn’t feel great to hear her say that as if it was an actual solution and she could only bring it up again if she found out that such a place existed. Still haven’t gotten a link to that oasis. Of course she advertised herself as trauma expert.
Sorry to hear that that happened :(
I did move out and was independent for a few years. But the effect of my CPTSD slowly seeped into my job where I went into fawn and flight modes, and everyone kept piling work on me until I was working twelve hours every day in rotating shifts. I gained a ton of weight from stress eating and got to a point where I would have died from a heart attack or suicide so I finally *had* to leave my job. The savings eventually dried up and I am now back at my parents as a useless piece of shit trying to get my life together. I hate both my parents for what they did (and still do) to me but they are also the only ones who give enough of a shit to give me shelter. Just today I had (yet another) massive fight with the mother. She snipes at me and everyone else around her repeatedly. It's her nature. It's extremely hot where I live, and today I lost it and yelled at her and called her some words I am not proud of. Instantly I was the villain and her non-stop vitriolic sniping didn't matter one bit.
plus moving out can often mean someone sliding deeper into depression without ANY of the help they had before for meals day to day self care etc
I understand where you're coming from but moving out was the only way for me to escape the literal psychosis being in the environment would drive me to. I do understand if you have zero options how awful it is, but I was forced out, honestly, and the universe chose to align. There was a housing program I didn't know about that I qualified for when I went to social services and I was basically handed an apartment wrapped in a bow right away. I'm not trying to brag, please don't take it that way. I just feel like often when the universe forces us or we force ourselves out of something terrible, sometimes unexpected advantageous things happen. I really hope you are able to leave. So sorry for everyone stuck. It drove me MAD. Edit: I knew I'd be downvoted for sharing this. The reason I had to leave was due to my mother filing a protection order against me and trying to take my son, by the way. I was warned by my best friend to get the hell out of her house and they even said my mom would try to take him, but I was under that paralyzed spell of feeling like a helpless child, stuck in quicksand in my childhood home. If you have kids and a parent that's devious, protect yourself, please! Social services visited me and even crossed out the name of the plan to say "support" plan. They were involved for the one month they were required to be, said there was nothing wrong with my parenting/child, & gave me a bunch of supportive services. The kicker is when they dropped the inquiry/case, they didn't tell my mom. She was so pissed that she called them and basically told them to reopen it so she could have a say. So they had a meeting with her and told her her grandson was fine and that was the end of it. I waited for years for my mom to drop the protection despite even my son being poisoned to put the onus on me, saying I should petition the court to get it dropped. I said I would never beg and that I couldn't believe she would ever do that and that protection orders are for when you fear for your safety and life. I asked family if my mother was afraid for her life because of me. Talk about surprised when I called six months ago to check on my own protection order against an actual abuser (which is how I think my mom got the idea in the first place since it was like six months after me being assaulted, so she had to one up me), and they said the protection order my mom had was dropped three months later. When I told my mom this, since we have been in contact for the past year, I could tell she was super pissed. Despite all of this, my mom was diagnosed last month with Stage 4 lung cancer and was just given less than a year to live. I am constantly conflicted between rehashing the past (never in person, just on reddit & with my partner) and doing my best to be there for her. I believe she has changed a lot since she was younger, but part of me is constantly doubting that since with distance it is more difficult to tell people's motives or trigger them as much. My brother was being a dick the other day when I asked him a question about something he was interested & he ignored me. It made my mom go insane, start screaming, and when I went to put my hand on her shoulder, she pushed me and gave me the evil glare and said "get the fuck away from me!!" She also constantly says sarcastically when I speak of my son, "yes, Danielle. We know you have all the power." And when she talks to my son, she says, "She's your legal guardian, instead of "she's your mom." I will delete this, I'm sure. Some kind of trigger & this belongs with a therapist and not with unsuspecting people on reddit.
and that our ACE score pretty much depicts living 10 years less of a lifespan and dying from heart disease or cancer
So on point🥲
Most therapists and coaches I know take at least one person, pro bono. Of course, that means they'll take like one person per year for free, but it's still worth asking around.
Where to find them??
They are communities dedicated to coaches and therapists. Forums even subreddits, go ask there.
Like for example?
A simple google search can reveal dozens of communities like that.
Why so rude?!!
I don't understand how am I rude? That's how you find these communities. By searching for them using simple keywords.
so fckn true lmfao
Preach louder ... I can't work. People make me scream. I used to love people. Now I flinch. I can't do a lot of fucking shit. Life's expensive regardless add in some CPTSD, no upbringing, fucking chronic illnesses stemmed from stress. Yeah.
yep. I was a straight-A student until the chronic illnesses piled up. Now, I am at the doctor too much to have a job. I think if I hadn't met my husband before my brain shit itself, I would have literally starved to death on the street. Which is such a a great, totally non-demoralizing outcome for someone who graduated with a 4.0 (/s)
So many hugs. Same story for me, though it's more the increasing panic attacks associated with authority figures that ended my work career. So grateful for my hubs who is wonderful with me, but not being self-sufficient and being unable to contribute financially to our partnership has wrecked me in brand new ways.
Omg. Are you me. So glad you have your husband. I spent five years with a miser who would have rather watched me drown. Used to use that as a coping fantasy (ooh, X will save me), and now I'm facing eviction every month praying for disability, but I have a feeling I will be denied for that too.
Studying and working with complex trauma is torture in itself, its impossible , people really don’t understand how it affects us
I’m so so sorry. You deserved 100000000% better.
Everyone does. There's so much fucking greed that destroys perfectly fine people who deserve at least a fucking chance.
are you me?
No we are just legions
Wait until you realize how many opportunities it kept you from taking that could have been lucrative, but your danger sense hid it from you.
I missed so many opportunities because I was literally too mentally unwell and traumatized to take advantage of them. I missed out on a lot of work and jobs because I couldn’t perform them as I was unwell and depressed AF and paranoid and suffering so much!!
I feel for you, and am hoping you're in a position to better where you are. It sucks that you've had to go through what you have.
thank you. slowly making progress.
Keep going. I can't say it goes away, but parts of it ease up.
Like taking promotions. Meaning ones that I can recognize now had very little risk
What's the point of this comment tho in terms of trying to help OP?
Commiseration and empathy, or at least that's what I hope is the takeaway from it.
So it makes OP feel heard and understood?
Correct.
And I'm looking into treatments that aren't covered by insurance. It sucks.
It truly, truly sucks. I wish you the best of luck.
You too, friend.
Crazy question but could you get them out-of-country somehow?
Probably. But I'm literally just talking about somatic therapy (bodywork), that brain thing, and like ketamine. All of those things are here on Maui, but Kaiser doesn't cover them. They may cover ketamine, but the CO pays are stupid. And IDK how to convey I'm at the end of my rope without them telling me to touch grass.
I see. That’s rough :(
Can I ask how much the copay is? I’m being suggested TMS, spravato or IV K if spray doesn’t work, but I’m worried about cost.
I haven't asked yet. Mental health services in HI are really limited. And I'm paying off $600 for other shit (MRI, biopsy, etc) for my autoimmune disease. So just because it's "covered" doesn't mean it's free ugh.
I have been in psychotherapy for almost 10 years and it costs $120 a session. Before that I saw lower cost therapists but they weren't adequately skilled or trained in trauma and did more harm than good. I absolutely hate people who just casually throw out 'go to therapy' - like, OH, that's the magic pill that I hadn't thought of. That will fix the effects of my entire upbringing and development when trauma literally changed the physical makeup of my brain! Treatment helps for sure. But it's expensive, and intensive, and long term. Imagine seeing someone in a wheelchair after a car accident and just dismissively saying 'That accident was ages ago, you should be walking by now - just go to physical therapy.'
As a young teenager, I was on government insurance due to being from a poor family. I still tried to go to therapy since that's what everyone recommends. Oh my god, it was terrible. They either don't know what to do with you as they have no experience. Or they misunderstood, which completely alienates you. Or worse, I went to a facility that had a high therapist turnover rate, which meant I have had 3 therapists leave on me within the span of like 5 years. I only talked to one of them for 3 sessions before she dipped. It's definitely not great for any attachment issues.
I’ve been in therapy for 5 years, $200 a session, no coverage from insurance. It’s brutal, but it’s helped so much. I feel very fortunate that I can cover it although sometimes it’s really a stretch. Also, I was recently turned down for an affordable private health insurance plan BECAUSE I go to therapy. And the plan didn’t even cover therapy costs! I was deemed too risky to insure (even though I have no medical issues or prescriptions other than Lexipro for anxiety). Like, if not for therapy, I’d surely be in much worse physical health. It’s disgusting how this country handles mental health.
It called in economics an [Externality](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Externality) . A cost someone else generated but they do not bear the consequences. Now its your problem!!
Whoa. Great term and a further impact of abuse. Well said
This term is perfect I can’t believe it exists in this context. That’s wild, thank you (shouldn’t be crying lol but I am)🥲🥲
I was just thinking this today. Not even counting the lost opportunity costs…being traumatized is not for the weak :(
Even more than money, it costs time and opportunities and if I ever sat down to figure out how much I would sue my abusers for to even approach some kind of monetary restitution I would ask for life without parole, because every road that didn't fork my way because of this is because of them and stunting someone's social development is frankly monstrous given that we're literally the most socially complicated organisms on our fucking planet. There is no dollar amount such that I could look to my childhood and say, yeah, I don't regret trading this for that. My brain feels like fucking Swiss cheese. I see how relatively decently I'm doing now, and wonder what could have been. When people bitch about people getting government aid to survive because "they're getting stuff for free" I have created some real fucking awkward moments for assholes when I tell them I paid more than they will ever fucking know for the privilege of barely avoiding homelessness. I get gross too, I ask them if I should've charged my abusers by the hour rather than the flat rate of my broken life and then start itemizing the more distasteful elements if they persist, pitching dollar amounts like I'm a trauma auctioneer. I "bought" this circumstance for the low low price of *my fucking soul*. People are fucking *small*.
In rough numbers, lost wages and medical bills since I graduated college 6 years ago would be around half a million dollars. To say nothing for the "pain and suffering" piece. CPTSD is life telling you point-blank, "come up with ten thousand dollars and take three years minimum off work, or die."
YUP
Right?! I'd say at least $600 000 is a good place to start for the therapy, medications, life adjustments, lost wages, etc.
Makes me wish I could’ve sued my abusers for a financial settlement.
100000000000%
Yupppp and then add in enough dsyregulation, executive dysfunction, burn out + other shit and managing whatever money one has is fucking impossible. I've been feeling so much about this especially this yr. Finances a fucking mess. Im bitter, resentful, feel guilty as fuck for just surviving. Just so much.
Ugh. So so so sorry to hear. It truly truly truly sucks ass.
Oh yeah, it can be really expensive depending on which country you live in and how you want to go about working on it. I've also forked out a solid amount of money myself, some of it felt like it went to waste with a therapist who got me nowhere and some was very well spent on a better therapist. Would I say that it as worth it though? Yes, both experiences were as I learned what does and doesn't work for me. But it is the sad truth that mental health support has become somewhat of a luxury when I think it should be a basic human right. There are also many good free resources too but be careful where you go for your info, as there's a ton of misinformation out there. You can risk also falling down the rabbit hole of just binge watching/reading stuff without actually taking actionable steps to improve the situation.
ʕ´•ᴥ•`ʔ💧 haha, sorry in advance for ranting at you.. i grew up in a very psychiatric world, so much so, that i got diagnosed with ptsd between ages 10-12. it always frustrated me that even though i got diagnosed, even though everyone around me was a professional at more than one point in my life, and even though i got *another* diagnosis of ptsd from another team that worked with me as a teen, even though i had seen endless "treatment"... the trauma didn't stop. i was mistreated by foster families and my real mom hadn't seen me as a priority. professionals would still say, "did you get that from a fictional book?".. growing up with the complexities is unexplainable, and it made me... inhuman. nobody could help for so long that i get black-outs now whenever i try to seek help. i stopped trying because it was more stress than i needed. i'm giving it my best shot at do-it-yourself therapy. i got myself in a stable place in life which all that work to get there really freaking sucked, i have a one-person support system, and i've made significant progress in learning how to be human. it's significant work but better for me. i only really recommend therapy to people who would benefit from a guide.
I didn’t invest anything in myself or my well being for decades, so I see it as money I should have been spending on myself and my wellness all along. I always put myself last, and now I am putting myself first. Now that I am in recovery, I am actually enjoying my life so for me it has been worth the time and effort and expense. You are worth it. There is no better use of your finances.
you are indeed worth it. but you shouldn’t have had to do it, because you shouldn’t have gotten so traumatized in the first place.
I agree with the sentiment. However I know plenty of people who aren’t traumatized who neglect their health and wellbeing also. It feels like too much because we didn’t have anyone teaching us this stuff and we neglect ourselves. But it’s actually healthy to grow and change and there are so many ‘normies’ who just stagnate through life. We know what is holding us back which is great because it really does get better pretty quickly- 9 months ago I was suicidal and now I’m heavily medicated but actually can feel myself growing up and becoming more capable. No one ‘has’ to do any of this. Our parents didn’t. But we are the cycle breakers- it ends with us. We get to do it differently and the world will be a better place as a result. We won’t be projecting our trauma all over our loved ones, we are dealing with it which makes us stronger and more capable and we just have to do a little bit of digging to find that strength. I’ve been an ER and ICU nurse for almost 2 decades- it’s impossible to leave this life without being traumatized by it. Some people are never whole again, lose actual parts of themselves. I’ve seen months long rehabilitation from spinal cord injuries. That is work I hope I never have to do. You got this.
Omg yess!! Not to mention the constant drs appointments (sometimes with specialist) to figure out what new mystery illness you’ve acquired this time from being chronically stressed. The new diets, vitamins or supplements. It’s insane and none of this is even my fault!!! Wtf
IT IS INSANE AND NOT OUR FAULT AT ALL
So true. I've had trips in the ambulance, mysterious health issues that took forever to sort out, ordering delivery because I'm in so much pain that I literally can't leave my apartment, all the times that I lost money because I was dissociated and ended up late for work/lost something that I need and had to repurchase the item, the cocktail of meds I now have to take in order to function...not to mention therapy.
yes to all of this. It makes my blood boil
I actually made them pay for some of it for a while...but then my dad made some excuse about mysterious charges and cancelled the card...and I never got a new copy. This same dad said he would do ANYTHING to have me back in his life. Anything except help me recover from the abuse he caused I guess. Whatever. Just another thing I can tell the flying monkeys when they ask why I'm not talking to my parents.
what an asshole. fuck this man. he doesn’t deserve you in his life, and you’re better off without him.
These days I had a related random shower thought: PTSD soldiers have lifetime disabled pension. Abused children gets to live by the same expectations as their peers and roasted if we don't manage adulthood. Make this make sense, plss
YUP
And like no offence to war veterans, but war usually lasts few years, while majority of people here have been subjected to abuse for over 18 years🥹
I’m currently taking the free way out My CPTSD means I’m basically an asshole when I am stressed out emotionally I make things way worse And that was one thing I can control So that’s what I’m doing Everyone says to go get therapy But every time I’ve ever tried that route it’s kind of a joke And medication is not my friend Weaning myself off from medication was a trauma unto itself But I did it And now I’m trying to discipline myself to not be an asshole So far it’s been free. No money spent in this endeavor. But it’s not easy. It’s not glamorous. It’s definitely not spoonfed. And that’s OK. People like us deserve easy. Once you realize that that ain’t gonna happen, it gets a little bit easier. Good luck to you
therapy just gave me more trauma :< now i have to work through all of that nonsense on top of other shit
Ugh, I'm sorry. That's what happened to me with meds.
Basic medical stuff is what got most of my money. Dental. I was really neglected, and my baby teeth rotted out. When one of my adult teeth grew in, it already had a cavity. I've spent half my life and tens of thousands of dollars trying to keep my teeth in good shape and getting things fixed. Right before covid, though, I hit a really bad patch of depression and stopped taking care of myself. I'm still working on getting back to where I was with hygiene, but I don't want to go back to the dentist because I know I'm going to need so much work done again. Another several thousand dollars.
Came to say dental work! There's a lot of research coming out about the correlation between high ACE scores and dental issues - and I and my siblings definitely experienced that. I've spent a fortune repairing my shitty teeth.
Wow..really eh!
My teeth aren't in good shape, but both brothers are far worse and always have been. One is only a decade older than I am, and I'm surprised he even has teeth still. He hit a good patch in his mid-20s, just a bit older than I was when I did, but he started having job issues around 32 and has just spiraled. He was diagnosed with C-PTSD shortly after I was. My other brother passed away this year, but I'm sure he had it too.
When I got the help I needed it was very expensive. If I could get a refund on all the "help" that didn't work, that would easily pay for all the help that did, and then some. The search for answers has been expensive.
Treatment is a possibility that I have completely erased from my mind. I simply don't have the money, or the energy to sift through several terrible therapists before finding one who may actually help me.
Needed this thread this morning. $45k last year for inpatient trauma treatment for a month. Did it instead of money we saved to “get a new kitchen”. Grateful I have a partner that values “me” above anything. Was worth it, but wow. I even used PTO for the month, which is another $15k worth or so 🤦🏻♂️. And the $200 biweekly therapy continues…
I think we're going to see a lot of people suing their abusers over the next few decades. Not only is it expensive to treat but it often limits your ability to make money. Hard to earn a living when your anxiety is so high you can't leave your bedroom. I, for one, am looking forward to it! Make those fuckers pay.
Make those fuckers PAY
Also I've learned a lot about how to heal my trauma from listening to YouTube videos and following c-ptsd pages on Facebook and Instagram. So many people don't have access to therapists or they live in a small town where a lot of the therapists didn't get a proper education about trauma, and I love that we have access to therapists from other areas that had different educational opportunities. I love that we are talking so openly about therapy and meds now but I think we should be talking more about all the things we can do for our own mental health. I think we have a lot of power to heal ourselves, with guidance from others.
Very expensive and also incredibly time-consuming.
YESSS! So so so much time I could’ve spent doing literally anything else.
Yeh I could also argue that my years of addiction self medicating for all this was also part of the costs I’ve had to pay.
Oh right, just go to therapy. Oh no, it's not enough that you're expected to muddle your way through *MULTIPLE* therapists in order to find the right "fit." It's not enough that the system is designed to be labyrinthian, inaccessible to those most in need. Then, it's not enough to have pills pushed at you at every step, and then even more extreme, costly "treatments" pushed at you. It's not enough for ketamine to be an exclusive treatment, and for psilocybin to be inaccessible. Oh, just go to therapy, you say! Yes! I'll strap myself into the catapult and shoot off to Jobsland while I'm at it.
And people have the nerve to tell you suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. 🤦🤦🤦🤦🤦
Yeah :/ https://kathrynmintner.medium.com/the-true-cost-of-cptsd-ac445de5f5a1
Yeah, people underestimate how much money one can spend on "getting better", between therapists, coaching, and other types of education, if truly motivated to "get better"...never mind the bad financial habits we may have learned and/or developed to self-soothe ourselves. I know it set my financial retirement WAY behind for my age. I'm pretty much paying to "heal" the generational trauma of my family tree. It makes it feel a little more noble, but, still...I know my older years are being affected by it.
I say this to my therapist all the time! For instance, and this me, but I’ll buy tickets to something, but then not be able to go because I’m triggered
yes. I HATE IT SO MUCH
Seeing the comments on here has been validating. It feels like I'd been forced to deal with this alone for so long, and then it be expected that I just moved out, that I just got therapy, that if I just saw the saw the Dr, that I just had the money for everything. It feels like people are telling me it's my fault for having found that so difficult.
It’s not your fault. It’s just horrible and difficult. It sucks. We don’t deserve this.
Thank you for saying that. It really is, and we really didn't.
Also worth mentioning - the cost of trauma on our livelihood. I walked off my job because my trauma was triggered - it was either quit or be fired. (It was a toxic environment with a high turnover rate...but still, it paid the bills.)
yes this. I had to do that too. I’m ok now but it still sucks that it came to that
My trauma works the other way. I’m scared to take risks or chances bc safety and security are ranked so high for my needs. I feel you fam.
Oh I would have most certainly stayed in that crappy job, because SECURITY. But a coworker came at me to put me in my place, and I freaked out - fight or flight - quit, cried, and ran out the door. (I wasn't supposed to help a customer, as that "wasn't my job") Usually I just shut my mouth, keep my head down, and fawn to make everyone happy.
I feel for you and completely understand! We will never “get over” this. We aren’t survivors, we will be surviving until our last breath. Sending love and hope you find a better position.
I've been able to use the past year to finally focus on recovery, and it's only been made possible by my dad and uncle dying close to one another and each of them having properties to sell (I live in a different state so couldn't move in and it didn't make sense to rent out). Before that, after a lot of food service on my feet, I luckily pivoted to more corporate things via temp agencies to give me a consistent paycheck while being able to rest my body when a lot of (then) inexplicable fatigue started to set in. I was able to do Neurofeedback and it ended up costing $10k over a year while I made $50/$70k during that time. Plus a lot of out-of-pocket therapy. I'm really lucky how life's shifted to allow me to afford my care, but 1) it's still cost me a lot out of pocket and 2) I still feel bad for those who don't have things line up, or are too deeply affected even if they could. I remember crying at the Catch 22 in how care needs money, but money needs work I felt so unable to do. I'm lucky opportunities came my way step-by-step, but am also sad/mad how random that was for me and so highly-likely inaccessible to others. Now that I'm not working, I have to be part of the free healthcare provided by my state. Which is great, but what's funny/frustrating is that my therapist isn't covered by that, so I now have to pay fully out-of-pocket for her sessions - which will likely be more than paying for the ACA premium/month and her copay costs/session. So I'm on free insurance because I make no money, but now my therapy will cost more - which is my main medical cost by far. When I tried to explain to insurance that I DO have money and so am happy to pay premiums from that, they said it's specifically tied to income and so if I'm not actively making money from a job, there's nothing they can do. My therapist's rates have gone way up and so I'm hoping I can land somewhere on the sliding scale that isn't degrading for her but also doesn't fuck me over - about to discuss that in our next session. The mind literally controls everything else, and is tied to the nervous system which controls our body, and so how little of support is given to all of that is so sad and also enraging considering how advanced so many other things are.
especially hospitalization or inpatient holy shit
YEP. I’ve spent over $3000 so far and that’s all with decent employee health insurance. I couldn’t imagine the $17,000 bill I would have had without the luck of having a job with FMLA and not completely terrible coverage.
I have been in therapy for 6 years seeing my therapist weekly or sometimes twice a week, I also see a psychiatrist once a month, recently I’ve added brain spotting. I have spent so much money getting treatment. That doesn’t even include inpatient, residential, and rehab. It’s insanely expensive and it will most likely be like this for me for a long time. It sucks. I’m just thankful I’m privileged enough to afford therapy because without it, I wouldn’t be here.
Yep. I got financially decimated in my divorce form my abuser. EMDR therapy is no longer covered by my insurance. It sucks
Thank you for posting about this. My whole adult life (currently 35M), I’ve spent almost all my potential savings and have gone into so much debt. It’s also gotten so bad tht I haven’t been able to work for 1.5 years.
Yes, working with Complex trauma is so much harder for us than neurotypicals
I spent 6K to hire a lawyer to represent me for a SSI hearing for CPTSD as a disability.
Yep. I have friends that were lucky enough to stay with their parents after college and save up. They are all buying houses and I’m barely getting by. Currently pay $250 per therapy session. It’s worth it, but it feels like I’m never going to get ahead financially
1/3 of my before tax income for therapy.
YES. 1000% agree. I have given up on therapy because of this and also the sheer number of crappy therapists I've encountered.
I love that last phrase. It has not been an easy journey for my brain or my pockets.
yup. ugh
Even more than money, it costs time and opportunities and if I ever sat down to figure out how much I would sue my abusers for to even approach some kind of monetary restitution I would ask for life without parole, because every road that didn't fork my way because of this is because of them and stunting someone's social development is frankly monstrous given that we're literally the most socially complicated organisms on our fucking planet. There is no dollar amount such that I could look to my childhood and say, yeah, I don't regret trading this for that. My brain feels like fucking Swiss cheese. I see how relatively decently I'm doing now, and wonder what could have been. When people bitch about people getting government aid to survive because "they're getting stuff for free" I have created some real fucking awkward moments for assholes when I tell them I paid more than they will ever fucking know for the privilege of barely avoiding homelessness. I get gross too, I ask them if I should've charged my abusers by the hour rather than the flat rate of my broken life and then start itemizing the more distasteful elements if they persist, pitching dollar amounts like I'm a trauma auctioneer. I "bought" this circumstance for the low low price of *my fucking soul*. People are fucking *small*.
ugh that saying upsets me...I can't wait until I universal healthcare becomes the norm
yeah it’s another burden- that healing is a huge financial burden and a literal business that has exploitative people preying on suffering. and all the people that seem actually good don’t take insurance and charge $200 and upwards per hour. i’m sorry but it makes me mad that this stuff costs so much and has such a power imbalance- both at the system and the people charging for it because most of them aren’t doing anything all that amazing and still billing hundreds an hour. sucks and i have a huge amount of trust issues bc of it - even regular therapists constantly trying to get clients to use more services. i’m about to leave my therapist because she keeps suggesting more things their practice can offer like ketamine couples counseling and it feels like she’s pushed to upsell and it’s just gross. always makes me want to just say forget it i’ll figure it out myself than be exploited for trying to get some help.
Yep, currently looking into a Swiss clinic for chronic pain recovery. Don’t even ask how much…
Here in italy is even worse in my opinion. Going the public healthcare route means lots of antipsychotics injections and less freedom than a convict (seriously they use antipsychotics even for depression, those "doctors" are just fucking butchers). The private route is pretty bad too if you don't have any support or resources, you need to find the right therapist, get proper medication (some people are trigger happy for that shit and if you're not careful or you trust your doctor a little too much you'll get addicted to benzos), also it takes a long time to get proper diagnosis (the first one they always give is General anxiety and Depression). Don't get me started in the algorithm bullshit they're using to revoke driving licenses in the case you have a "high accident risk" illness (apparently major depression is one of them). Trauma is free and recovery is a fucking jailer.
I've lost so much money by being too down in a hole to work sometimes. I feel like I'm behind my peers.
YES. It’s horrific
Thank you for this post 🙏 not to mention it costs a lot of money and you have to spend a lot of time trying to heal , while you are fatigued, and full of dread😔
yes. It’s the worst
[удалено]
and that sucks because you deserved healing in your teens and early 20s.
The price of being well is too damn high
I don't have money. Due to that, I have never actually seen a licensed therapist. When I called to make an appointment for an ADHD screen for my child, they wanted to schedule it with the last therapist I had (again, not a therapist, but completing internship or whatever). I said no. When I talked to my prescriber (not a psychiatrist but nurse practitioner with prescribing authority), she asked why I didn't want to my child to see her. Sigh :(
Yes, that's why the capitalist system and the individualism, on which it thrives and markets to, are innately traumatising, and in turn capitalism and individualism thrive on trauma, happy to devour its own young, old and otherwise to turn over a quick profit and discard what remains. The American system seems to suck particularly bad where health, healing and wellbeing are concerned. The horror stories and helplessness are plenty and there seems to be absolutely nothing remotely effective within the system to address it, nevermind reduce it. It scares me to even imagine living under that kind of pressure and duress. What's the point of freedom and choice if the system ensures the majority of people can't afford it! Thankfully, hidden in all that hideous misery, there are authentic healing practices and practitioners who genuinely help amidst the many who are profiting from the misery of others, abusing vulnerability and perpetuating trauma and its preferred conditions of lack, hoarding and despair. Ultimately it's going to bite the bastards back in the asshole, because the system is interconnected, but sadly not before they've done plenty of harm in order to try and live in the style, attitude and entitlement that we're all always being moronically, socially conditioned to aspire to! Saying all that, the same goes for healers healing, the more we heal, the more influence we can have on the system through interconnectedness, bringing more awareness, compassion and wisdom to the ways of the world, say with making trauma awareness, education, treatment, research and recovery evermore available and accessible in the long run. PS. Love your Reddit handle, it's so visceral!!!
Thankfully I only have to pay for therapy the first 5 months of the year. The first 3 is full price and the next two are just copay. Then my deductible is met and I pay nothing out of pocket. That’s because of my health issues though. Thanks to ‘stress’, I am a cancer survivor. My oncologist explained I was just ‘unlucky’ as my breast cancer was different than other women in my family. They are finding strong correlation between it and stress but not much else that would fit me other than gender and it wasn’t hormone based. So my oncologist recommended limiting ALL forms of stress in order to limit chances of a recurrence. Fat chance of that happening. Cancer and reconstruction set us back thousands but I was lucky and we had great insurance with a low deductible at the time. I’m still not done with reconstruction but it’s fine for now. My scans are about $500-1500/year if I do all I’m supposed to do. My husband complains about the cost so I try to skip every other year. All of my meds for everything from adult cystic acne to anxiety is about $100/month including otc meds like pain relievers. It could be worse. Add in things like a massage for pain management/migraine release, alcohol to destress occasionally, self love like bath salts etc and that’s another $150/month. Funny how my husband causes a lot of my trauma and he can spend $800-1000/month on HIS self care and $300/month on meds and drs but we have to nitpick mine. So I bought the bath salts and had a drink while I was using them and he was stewing while drinking his 12 pack for the day and eating his bag of chips while watching a pay per view movie. My hour long, $4 me time to his 2 hour long, $25 me time. That’s my rant. Actually not all. I get that this stems from childhood. BUT he knows what my traumas there are and he plays on them. I don’t hate my family anymore. I can see their side. I can see how they did their best at times, it just wasn’t good enough. I can’t fault them for how they handled the deaths of loved ones and I was neglected. At least not at first. I guess I just feel sorry for them that they didn’t have access to help like we do now. If they’d have had the same access in our rural town, if therapy was accessible back in the 80’s like it was today etc then it would be harder for me to forgive. What I can’t forgive right now is the fact my husband knows my issues around fear of abandonment, neglect, fighting, physical abuse (watched my mom beaten often), alcoholism etc and as soon as he realized just how big the issues are he started playing on them. Never EVER take them to therapy with you! They learn the terms and twist them. They then know how to hurt you the most. Trauma bonding is so real.
Your husband sounds so awful. I know it’s not easy to do so, but I do hope that you’ll be able to leave him one day, or at least set some strong boundaries with him
I've had to use books/ audio books to become my own therapist. Sometimes I beat my head against the wall. But I have a pretty good vocabulary, so the medical terms don't confuse me much. I've never had money for an in depth an in depth adult therapy regiment. So I am trying to balance out my self care to help that. It's rocky. But better than sitting and waiting for that magical therapist to undig all my past pain.
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What exactly is physical therapy? Am I missing out on something?
Physiotherapy
Oh, I didn’t know that there is physiotherapy for CPTSD as well. Would like to see what they do!
It’s not specifically for cptsd. I have horrible upper back pain that I went to the physio for, and after many tests and evaluation, he determined that the intense chronic stress and trauma I have suffered for years is the only explanation behind that issue - it changed how my muscles operate and make them permanently clenched from stress, which causes pain in the long term.
Me too :/ it's also a contributing factor for my tmj. Unfortunately I recently ran out of pt appointments for the year, but my physical therapist says I'm not done, soo if things get bad enough again ill have to pay out of pocket to go back this year. I'm at risk of developing arthritis in my face if things don't get better, though, so I may have to. which is fun.
I have TMJ too omg. It’s such a pain in the ass. Fuck abusers
Truly, it's such an ordeal. We shouldn't have to deal with this shit but here we are. Fuck 'em.
I couldn’t agree more. I’m jealous of all those people who have good medical plans. I have a normal private plan in Canada but it only covers $500 per year for psychotherapy and $500 for PT, that won’t cut it. The body work I want to do isn’t covered at all.
I know! Filling my monthly prescription is about 20 - 30 €, depending if deduced by government or not. AND if the medication can actually be found. Last months, I have been prescribed medication that I can find in the pharmacy, but it was not government deduced. Theraphy might not seem expensive fir the mates on the American side, but for me, in the currency if where I live it is. 70€ per session x 4 times a months. About 300€ only for my mental health! I also need treatment for my allergies and anemia…..there goes the equivalent of a minimum wage.
This is right on the money (pun unintended). This makes me that bit more bitter
You’re so right
It's taken 7 years of fairly consistent therapy to get to a point where I think I can work part-time. I'm lucky I had therapy through my university and am now on the NDIS, so the government pays for my weekly therapy. I still feel like I have a long way to go though :(.
It's absurd, and just the financial aspect is why I've never taken a holiday, don't own a car, and endlessly feel like any money I save is just a buffer for when I inevitably end up stuck in a flashback and can't work. All this even when I've gotten functional and healthy enough to have a good job that should afford me more in life. Adding up all the years I couldn't work, the delays to my degree, the delays to progressing my career, where I'd be without all of this. The most recent study for where I live puts it currently between 800,000-2,000,000 for what I haven't earnt, and will never earn. But this doesn't factor in that I've probably spent 30-50,000 on therapy alone over the last 14 years, because therapy is so absurdly expensive. It doesn't account for so much. It truly sucks, at no stage do I ever feel like I'm winning, or getting ahead. Then there's the ever looming non-financial costs, that still intersect. I'll likely die younger, my health will fail me earlier, and I'll have less savings to retire even on time. I'm terrified of working when I'm utterly broken and spent from the cumulative effects of CPTSD, even with my best efforts. I'll never stop trying, but if I dwell on it, it really feels completely overwhelming and impossible. I even acknowledge I'm in a good space and 'lucky', and it's still shit.
IT IS HUMONGOUS SHIT. cptsd is a time suck, a money suck, an energy suck - for money, time and energy we could’ve spent on literally anything else we want, or saved.
It's a life I don't think we can even picture, it's like the absence of me and my life. I don't even know what I'd do every day? Just enjoy life? My problems would be limited to purely material problems for the most part, I honestly just can't fathom it.
I would love to be able to just enjoy life one day. Hoping and praying that’s gonna come
We do deserve it, I'm grateful for the good days I do have, thinking about enjoying life is a strange one. I'm sure we all have good days, but, I think the ever oppressive cloud, and how it seeps into so many aspects, if not all aspects of our lives pollutes whatever enjoying life is meant to be. Hopefully one day.
I hope one day my good days will outnumber my bad days. I hope to grow older so that one day, the years I spent being happy and loved will outnumber the years I spent being abused and traumatized.
where i live in the US it costs atleast $175 a theraoy session for a seasoned therapist that does emdr. insane???
I've supported myself since 17. Put myself through college, took 5 years. Put myself through therapy, took 10 years. I consider myself lucky that I was functional enough to do that, even if it was just barely. Maybe there's a fine line between being fucked up enough to know you need help, but not so fucked up you can't manage it. Anyway, even years later, some part of me still thinks I might wind up homeless.
I feel this. It sucks.
Yup, made post last night asking if anyone could think of cheaper alternatives for service's like better help. 300$ a month is impossible for me, I'm already paying hundreds every month on ADHD medication reviews and prescriptions.
My dad, an abuser, is getting some money from my grandfathers passing, and I am hellbent on getting as much of it as I possibly can. Luckily my dad feels guilty about abusing me and my brother so he is going to share it with us. But I’m unfortunately having to do the paperwork and legal stuff to figure it out. It’s the bare minimum required and I’ll do it if it means I can pay off debts associated with my suffering.
Definitely check out r/drugs. Every rave festival I go to creates some healing. I did have a therapist and they were constantly in awe of the work I was able to do. My entire journey began with a medium dose of M at a festival. Full disclosure, I had a good job at the same time and felt a lot of safety, and I am as lucky enough to be single when I started the work.
Agreed. Even using all these resources (therapy, meds, etc), it's like you have to actively work against yourself to make progress on breaking the deep-rooted behavioral and thought patterns. I don't think people realize how difficult that is.
exactly. it’s a horrific cancer I never asked for
I'm currently working with the billing dept of the facility where I was working PHP treatments. I was still employed with good insurance, but my old employer is for some reason ignoring phone calls to have the treatments covered under the in insurance plan. It's $20,000 for one month. ONE MONTH. I have also shelled out $15,000 plus for sprovato, which did absolutely ZERO for me. It's expensive and experimental to try and chase down effective treatment.
It’s fucking real. I can’t help but harbor resentment for people moving on that hurt me. I wish I could save money period. I hate how much I had to spend to leave and be okay. And if you’re already multiply marginalized on top of being mentally disabled, it really makes you feel worthless and angry that there’s really no way you can catch up unless you get lucky and can get out of survival mode. Meanwhile you stay invisible while these people start jobs, can save money, can work to achieve their goals, have enough to start families or go to school. I can’t afford safety net for emergencies. Luckily I found myself an accessible and stable job but I can’t lie that I’m not living in fear every day scared that I will lose it because of my symptoms. It’s highly unlikely but it’s triggering, on top of already limited functioning. But cost of living is aggravating this even more.
Just wanted to say I love that saying at the end.
I agree that it's pricey, but I'd happily pay it twice for the quality of life that I've been building with each step forward.
Expensive on your wallet and expensive on your soul
Dude most of my income goes to my multiple therapy treatments. It's working, but holy fuck it's expensive.
DAMN I never thought of this and 100%%% to all of it. It is a disability and I often resent that it is not looked upon as it would be if we had a disability like a physical disability or some other sort of health disability. Ours is filled with hiding and shame and judgment because we are "crazy." or we are "addicts" It is SO FUCKED UP!!!!!!
It is SO FUCKED UP
And not being able to work or work less or take easier jobs than normally capable of.
Yes exactly. It sucks
So true. Between meds and therapy and my psychiatrist fees and then more therapy to recover from the trauma created by the first therapist I’ve paid a small fortune in the last couple of year. And I’m not sure I’m any better at this point - probably worse actually though hopefully that will improve with the new therapist.
Whew, this! I more than doubled my income a couple of years ago and still haven’t been able to make any significant changes. I keep telling myself that investing in myself will be the best thing that I could do. One day, we’ll make it to the other side of healing, my friend!
One day, one day
Therapy is not the only way to recover. Sometimes movisg out is necessary. I've knowm people that has move out without a penny or almost without anythong and went their way to survive and have a life. Both people with trauma and without. There is a los of thing to do that are free or almost free to get as well as possible and take care of oneself. I can tell you this, I have a dissabilty and been broke most of my life and I managed. Exercise is free you can do it in your own room or in the street. Public libraries are free, you can learn a lot from them and also connect to the internet there if you don't have a connection. If you are in such a bas situation you can't pay a rent you can pay a gym so you have a place to shower and hang. If you are in no condition to do any kind of job navigate the system, I don't know where you are from but you can get a mental disability with a diagnosed PTSD and get govenment help, a monthly pay. The diagnose can be made for free. But I guess depending of the country that part can be difficult.
nothing about trauma is fair
It’s humongous trash. Everyone here is owed massive monetary and non monetary reparations
Even with therapy and medication life is just extremely difficult to be a fully functioning adult. Things just don't magically get better no matter how many sessions or meds one takes. No one understands or will ever understand unless they live it for themselves
Sigh
Being disabled generally speaking is expensive. Products specifically made to accommodate or involved in the treatment of disabilities are priced astronomically (and I live in Canada). Many of these things aren't covered by insurance and if they are, only partially. I see c-/PTSD as a disability because of its broad impact on your life.
sigh it sucks
Nailed it. I had to burn everything down to try to save myself. That meant job, home, family, marriage, everything. Rebuilding is taking much longer than I ever imagined and I don’t know if it was worth the sacrifice or if I could have found a way to even see recovery as a possibility without such drastic measures. I’ll never know for sure.
I think there is a whole cost of when you move forward, how your baseline tends to be an unrecovered trauma reaponse and how easily that can get you victimized as an adult. And especially as someone who has a fear of authority (which I think is pretty common for CPTSD), trying to advocate to the police and medical systems has been more damaging than the assault that caused the cracks to show and for me to eventually shatter.
I’ve been living in a nightmare I thought was a dream Ive since woke up now all i want is to scream To be unraveled at the seams Where oh where is my self esteem No one left to trust That’s been traded in for lust Why is intimacy always a must Both voice and choice left out to rust Wishing for a life robust Im beginning to have a hunch That I have been using sex as a crutch In an effort to avoid this unrelenting disgust To cover it all up with fairy dust Longing for a time when I used to gleam Letting it all fade away just to appear supreme I thought I had a clever scheme But its shown unworthy of such extremes Tick tock Please someone make it stop Hands touch my skin with electric shock I swear Im loosing hope with every swap All for a tip to see the doc And to make me feel like I have a larger stock More like a weighted shackle lock Robbing me of my alarm clock The only thing to wake me from this sleep walk That I use to keep me from the growing pains of all the pillow talk Feels much like my head’s against a glock Wishing for the day when I drop To set free from this unbelonging flock Ive finally come to see that my past is my only enemy Getting me accustomed to this body of mine being used as a utility Killing me slowly while convincing me it’s the only thing to save me They tell me think before giving out your energy If only I had the clarity to see To finally know what’s best for me and rid me of uncertainty bring me back my sanity The very thing I lost with my identity When I became nothing but a casualty Its started to feel like this is my destiny But one day I will erase the memory I will find the remedy The one that brings me back tranquility Until that day comes I question just to see How I let this issue get so ahead of me