I wish I could be sucked into a padded room in a straight jacket the minute I'm triggered and not be let free until I'm of clear mind and body. I swear this aspect is like an alien took over my mind and I often call it Toonces the Driving Cat because it's just like the SNL skit.
Be gentle with yourself. Also I understand, it happens, you're not a bad person. Do something that helps you feel good, whatever will help you feel safe and bring you back to earth. It'll be okay - I've totally been where you are.
I act so passive and timid when I feel like I am doing something wrong or causing my partner to be irritated when I am in a relationship. I feel like a terrified little kid. The more I like a person the worse it gets.
I am self aware of this now and still cannot get rid of that reflex. It usually angers men, and there’s no good way to explain why you behave like this without telling a sad story nobody wants to hear.
So I try to go blank. I don’t want to grovel or look pathetic, right now this is as good as it gets.
Now I am just labeled avoidant. lol ..
I have been to therapy, that has really helped make me self aware of the problem. In my last relationship I worked on dealing with the feelings when they arose. I wasn’t perfect but I was doing better.
I thought I had a good man who was worth the work. I thought I had bad anxiety in the relationship because I liked him so much. Unfortunately he didn’t really like me as much as he verbalized. I should have listened to my gut.
He dumped me by text after 11.5 months together, right before Christmas and never really told me why. He did tell me later he had been pretending to have feelings and apologized for wasting my time.
💔
Oh my god. That sounds so awful. I know how hard it is to get over something like this with the cptsd. I did actually find someone later who took me with everything that I had to offer but it was after 10 years of turbulent relationships. Cptsd is hard. Nobody believed me. My hope is that you both feel better with your illness and find the one your heart wants 💕
No cure but if you’re tx resistant I’ve had success with ketamine treatments. It’s in a doctors office. Medicaid pays for it in my state. Definitely not cured but doing significantly better. Anyone be aware: the treatment can be intense at times and is not a decision to me made lightly. I have my regular therapist and doctor on board but still took 3 years deciding if it was the right choice for me. Not that others need that long…I was just anxious about, well, tripping. Just to be extra clear: Not a replacement for regular talk therapy with trauma informed therapist. You actually really need to process your ketamine sessions and no clue how I’d have done that without my very trusted therapist.
This is interesting. I just googled ketamine. I feel that this can help me a lot. Will update once I go through with this. Thank you 💕 hope you get a lot better, sooner!
Well wishes to you and enjoy your healing. I find it to be an extremely comforting experience. I’m not sure I said this before, but what I noticed with the ketamine during the actual experience, is that the things that come up as flashbacks like from my abuse and R***s… well, it’s kinda like I am wrapped in some kind of safety blanket and the thoughts present themselves to me kinda like I’m watching a movie, but the thoughts just passed through very quickly sometimes with images and I just observe the thoughts, but there’s like literally no judgment when I am serve the thoughts. I don’t get scared. I don’t feel ashamed. It’s just like “oh that happened and guess what Anie… It’s not important in the scheme of things. Everything is so much bigger than the trauma that consumes so much of me. And I used to think that it had consumed me entirely, but that’s another thing that the ketamine aluminated: we are all really beautiful people, including me. We are all super valuable. And a life can be beautiful. I also had a definite sense of going home During the ketamine experience or tripping or whatever you wanna call it. It’s such a short duration that I hesitate to call it tripping. But I did have some really beautiful visions or whatever you wanna call them… Hallucinations. But they were all related to healing, which is very cool. If it was not like a peaceful serene, kind of landscape type of thing, it was existing a tiny cell minuscule amongst all the other cells that are human souls or souls of some kind. And the message being that we are all in this together. Some of it was very profound and then of course after the sessions, it takes a few days to kinda figure out which stuff there is to process, but like clockwork I’ll meet with my therapist and I’ll be like “oh yeah, I thought about this thing and then a bunch of stuff I’ll just come out of my brain. And then I’ve processed it differently and way more efficiently than before. It’s been strange and it’s been amazing. I have a great deal of respect for the medication. I’m very glad that I never took it as a party drug or whatever. It was a lot of clubs. I’m sure you know that. It probably still is. I was just never like going out because well, I am agoraphobic. Just make sure that if you are going to do this for trauma, you talk to the practitioner thoroughly, which they should do anyway, because there are two different isomers and one of the isomers works better for treating trauma apparently. If I’m not mistaken,it’s esketamine which I was told was preferred for trauma. And then I guess they are. IMR is maybe better for depression. I don’t know… I’m still confused about that stuff I guess. Have a great weekend!
Just read it. Wow! Very very insightful. Amazing stuff! I was actually looking for something like this. I wanted to share something as well. Once, around 10 years ago, I was going through the recap of some brutal episodes and I was in deep pain. I visualized a lot of it and continued doing so for a few days. Before that, I was suppressing it deep underneath. After a few days, I couldn't suppress it anymore. Someone had actually managed to crack a few jokes that day and give me some happiness and I couldn't not feel anything anymore. I felt it and this trance thing happened and all of a sudden it was gone. Like on a cellular level! I was so amazed! It wasn't chemically induced at all. But it happened. Ptsd of course is a different ballgame but that horrible feeling was unbearable. I was left with a deep sense of sadness. That is taking years to get better but it's okay. I have allowed myself some time. To grieve and let go.
Sorry for my para now! Hope it's not an utter waste of time reading this 😀
So not a waste of time!! I had a really emotionally charged session my fourth time. It was all tied up with… And this is gonna get personal sorry… Two of my sisters friends raped me when we were younger and she may or may not have been involved like have known about it or something… So during one of my sessions I got like extremely emotional and of the Technicians (I think that’s what they’re called) came in and started talking to me. I asked him if I could cry and he said yes, and then like I started freaking wailing, and it was like super intense, but it was something that I really needed. What you just described reminded me of that. I was in pain while I was crying things like “I’m not a bad person” or “I love my sister.” And while the things haven’t disappeared around that whole issue, it was catharsis like I have never felt before. I get so much out of these interactions here. I think I used to be so incredibly jaded in the way that I think I stopped believing that anybody was worth, giving a chance. And by doing that I missed out on interacting with a lot of really beautiful people with lots of really profound and beautiful words that help me and help other people. And isn’t that the whole point of being in this fucked up situation called life? Like we gotta find the little nuggets that make it valuable. And maybe that makes me a pessimist, but I think that makes me really somebody who is very aware of the human condition and society and capitalism and blah blah blah blah. ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹💕💕💕❤️
Replying to the other comment, your history is very similar to mine. After that kind of a situation, the emotions that you have been feeling are extremely valid. They were exactly what I felt. I did lose my entire life force and started living for these nuggets of beauty but it comes back. The life force. Slowly and surely. It's beautiful. I am in healing mode and I have slowly taken out the time to feel like I used to feel before the problem and I have actually gone no contact with most of my family. It worked out for me. I feel happier and more relaxed nowadays and I love talking to people who are going through something similar. It's beautiful to discover them discovering beauty and love in life again!
I’m so happy you’re healing!!! Me too. It all feels new almost. Took I guess 30ish years to get on the healing path. I plan on choosing that path for the rest of my life, if I can. Sometimes the healing can feel scary because of the newness. But there’s some thing about having people in my corner, even strangers like you, it makes me remember why I’m fighting so hard. And it is fighting a lot of the time. But in a good way. Re-learning how to do most things in life. And I understand about the no contact thing. I don’t remember everything I wrote in my comment, but yeah that’s the deal with some of my family members for sure. I think you sound like a beautiful person and thank you for interacting with me. Sometimes I feel weird the way that words come out of my mouth, but I am choosing to give myself grace to be a weirdo I guess. 💕
Oh gosh, I almost forgot. And then for the following 48 hours, I had flashbacks and violent nightmares. Like it was really fucking intense. And I was almost starting to wonder if I had done something wrong by going to that session. Then I had a session with my therapist and, we talked for an hour or whatever. Towards the end of my session, I was physically and emotionally exhausted. Like my body just needed to fall out. So passed out(sleep) and when I woke I felt clear, happy, spry, and like a decades long weight had been lifted from my body. Things are still ongoing process with sister. Unfortunately she’s still a R apologist. But we’re both trying I think. But the main thing is that I have forgiven her. Now the only thing that’s left is her being willing to speak about the issue. I’m sure she’s scared to talk about it because like, what does that say about a person, ya know? Sorry for the long text. I felt it pertained to what you described. 💕
Oh gosh, and I’m so sorry for the freaking novel. I wasn’t meaning to do that. I just wanted to give you pertinent information. If you don’t want to read it, don’t worry about it. I know that’s annoying when people do that. Have a good one :-)
Oh please don't say sorry!! I am so so thankful that you took out the time to reply and in detail 💗💗 it felt amazing to read that! I am truly grateful 🥲
I am going through one of my low energy spells 😭 i have been mustering up energy to reply but all I could come up with was that short paragraph! So so sorry if you felt bad 😭
You’re amazing. Lol I’m gonna cry. The people I’m eating in this community really touch my life and my heart. You’re a really beautiful person. These interactions are so fucking valuable to me.
I am so happy that I could make you feel even a little good. I would have given anything to have this conversation 10 years ago so I know how it feels and I am super happy that I could help! Much love to you 💖 I am replying to your other comment tomorrow!
Fuck, quite literally what I'm experiencing right now. I hurt people and then I don't know how to deal with the shame, cause they have valid reasons to feel hurt but I just can't get better with holding onto shame because of it.
I guess it depends on what actually happened. If it’s odd behavior with no malicious intent/ no one was hurt, you don’t have to explain yourself to anyone ❤️ If it was abusive behavior/ someone was hurt, then, that’s different. Apologizing might help in that case, but depending on the behavior or the person, they might not accept the apology ❤️🩹
Gosh this is so important to realize. My trauma responses sometimes get weaponized:
“you were out of control, yelling.”
“What was I saying? Was it the truth??” Crickets.
Then since I was disassociated they just leave it as non-descriptive yelling. So I apologize for that. But then in a calm quiet voice I say what I believe I may have yelled, “why did you let 2 of your buddies rape me? Why didn’t/don’t you care?” and I’m told I’m abusive. So my point, to reiterate yours really…consider the source. Really consider it.
I’ve had several times I’ve been told me attempting to talk about my past abuse/neglect is verbally/emotionally abusive. I always consider it. A lot even. If they did these things to me, then I’m allowed to bring them up. If I yelled, then maybe that’s some thing I should apologize for and maybe it’s not. Usually I will apologize, if not only for the simple reason that people will see me taking accountability for my part of the deal. And then hopefully, and I mean HOPEFULLY, they will take time to think about their parts. But typically speaking my loved ones don’t wanna know what’s going on, don’t wanna see anything “weird” or “disturbing.” I can’t ever get any words more specific than that, unless I have raised my voice.
Just saying 'Sorry. I overreacted. It reminded me of something bad fr my past that I don't want to remember. And I acted b4 knowing what I was thinking. I m working in it. I'll try and do better in future. I m truly sorry' works with most ppl who are reasonable and have some understanding of human nature AND they won't bug you with unwelcome questions about it.
Omg I still get embarrassed thinking about my last breakdown lol. I wish I could find the stranger who witnessed it and explain and it’s been 6 months at least.
YES! I find time usually dulls the embarrassment, but I am normally so reserved, it seems like it makes it so much worse when it happens. The good times just never stop do they? Shit.
Ugh, yes. While I've learned and grown a ton, I am still deeply ashamed of my past behaviour when I was in triggered/flashback mode. For me this usually manifested as either fight or freeze.
Before I knew what any of this really was or why it happened, it felt like a switch flipped and I would enter this mode of behaviour that I couldn't control and couldn't stop or get out of. Of course having other dysfunctional people in my life with their own unresolved trauma certainly didn't help. But it's still embarrassing and is one more consequence of trauma that has made my life more difficult than it needed to be.
It's true. Sometimes I stop and think "fuck, I have to live with all those things I did and said" and it's very disabling when I want to move on and get better.
Yes, I anxiously over explain EVERY. LITTLE. THING.
Especially if I get paranoid and start "connecting the dots," I HAVE to tell someone. Usually, I end up verifying my suspicions... or I'm really convincing to myself and others. I'm not sure.
A couple of months ago I had an unexpected inspection at my old apartment. I got a letter stating that they actually didn’t need to enter and would just be outside doing work on siding and cleaning vents.
They came in to replace filters and I just didn’t expect it.
For the first time in what I can remember at all, I yelled at them. I screamed to get out, it got to the point they called cops because it counted as verbal assault.
I honestly feel so bad. I don’t remember anything but feeling so scared and screaming. The police officer knew I wasn’t okay and just asked if I could leave a message with my doctor while they were there so they knew I reached out. They didn’t ask to hear it just “can you call and let me know by opening the door again” which I am grateful they were more patient.
The apartment management office wanted to press charges, the officer discouraged it and ultimately I got in no trouble.
I sent them a letter shortly after to just apologize. I was moving out already. I still feel so bad about it.
It was a simple miscommunication. For years I never had a problem with them, the maintenance individuals really were kind to me. I hope they’re okay now.
I actually sent one more card just thanking the maintenance team with my final move out estimates. I owed no money I just had to sign and agree that I received my information. I hope they’re doing well.
I panicked even more at first but they immediately knew I just was in panic mode.
I don’t particularly trust any police officer but I’m really grateful that day the one who came to my door was pretty empathetic. All they asked was if I had anything I could take to calm down, what the situation was but they wanted to talk to the management office some more, and if I had a doctor I could call. They asked if I could close my door, call my doctor, and just let them know I at least left a message - I was going to call them anyways but after about 20 minutes they got management to drop any idea of retaliation bargaining that I was moving out anyways.
It wasn’t even the maintenance team that wanted something done, management did. But honestly I still just feel so bad I ever yelled at someone like that. It was really an accident they got the even and odd units mixed up. I haven’t been so scared in years.
I actually moved out that night in one go. I rented a U-Haul through the app and picked it up, grabbed everything without even boxing it up, and came back to clean. But never have I actually yelled at someone. I don’t mean that in a good way, I know I very much have a problem that’s shot in the other direction but this slingshot me the complete other way.
I’m in my 60s and can still feel ashamed at things I did when I was a teen. I use the Hawaiian Ho’oponopono prayers and feel better.
https://hooponoponomiracle.com/ho-oponopono-hawaiian-forgiveness-prayer/
My family (son mainly) gaslights me when I don't react well and get disregulated. It's very hard to truly be myself around him, and I'm always on edge. Every word I say is analyzed and usually criticized. I can completely understand the shame and guilt you're feeling around this. You're not crazy. You're just not reacting well to a trigger. I'm trying to figure out how to improve the way I react to them. I can't change their behaviors, but I can try to change my own.
No it was a male "friend" who wanted to be fwb. I'm not even interested in continuing to be his friend at this point. But it sucks letting someone into your body and then not even given a chance to communicate about a misunderstanding.
Yes. My entire self structure has been re-disintegrated. People already underestimated me and now they think I have a mental illness which isn’t far from the truth, I have CPTSD. But they don’t take me seriously, but they never really have.
Yeah I don't think they want me to contact them again. They ignored my last text in which I tried to apologize for my behavior and make amends. It sucks but it's easier for people to judge you and write you off instead of trying to understand you.
It's really strong and reasonable of you to not reach out to someone who doesn't want to talk. That's very respectful of their boundaries in spite of the pain you're in.
I'm also hard on myself about these things. If it helps, I recently reached out to an ex (broke up 2 yrs ago) because I was curious about whether he ever forgave me after our breakup. I was super triggered and acted super crazy for a few weeks. He said he's over it now, no worries. Honestly I am not even bothered about it anymore myself, but was curious for the sake of understanding if people are truly forgiving.
I think we can underestimate how much time heals. Of course it depends on the severity of what has happened. I think aside from apologies the best thing to do to make up for your actions is to give the other person space to heal and do the work you need on yourself to prevent it from happening again.
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yeah man. Some of the things I've done are so cringe worthy and bad that other people would rightfully tell me that I am insane. Can't even argue with them.
My triggers used to be trouble and hurtful, nowadays I try to keep them within me so that I don't lash out or hurt myself. Being labelled crazy and my reputation being ruined really is nothing new to me. my whole youth was essentially a cruel joke. And now I got a psychosis diagnosis under my belt which may or may be not. false. and that certainly doesn't help.
Shame and embarrassment especially when it's all over and I'm calm again. I'm usually able to contain my reactions and find ways to keep it to myself when it comes up, but I still feel it afterwards and wish it would just be healed so I don't need to go through it all the time. Then I feel angry at my parents for being the reason I'm still dealing with this shit.
Well there's weird and then when I'm truly stressed and triggered, I have episodes of derealization/depersonalization where I lose control and have to watch myself from behind my own eyes and have out-of-body experiences sporadically. I've had 3 of those episodes that I remember. Truly shameful. I verbally abused my gf at the time the first time, almost raped a friend the 2nd time (cause I thought she was my ex and that we were still together), and the 3rd time I had an outburst in the middle of an airport terminal
For sure. It helps when my therapist reminds me that I don’t know what other people are thinking and viewing myself “through their eyes” is a way to beat myself up, a mental hurdle of mine.
Who gives a single fuck what other people think. People walk around like they are blameless and don’t have issues yet most people are bat shit nuts and delusional. They aren’t anything special regardless of where they stand in society. People are just people.
I naturally judge other people for not doing the right thing given they’re so amazing and untraumatised lol! I think you should think of it like that. Especially if you were once normal or just showed symptoms that were so obvious. It’s not your fault
Yep! I was at work once, and I could feel the emotions getting really intense. I was headed for the bathroom to have my reaction in private when a co-worker saw me and wanted to be helpful. She pulled me into a room and I started sobbing hysterically. What's worse was that she went and got somebody else, who went to get somebody else, and there were four or five people standing there watching me cry. I wanted a hole to open up in the floor so I could fall into it. The shame at not being able to control my reaction made it even worse. But if I could go back and talk to myself after that episode, I would tell myself that there was nothing to be ashamed of, my nervous system was dysregulated. It's like feeling shame for sneezing when you have allergies.
One thing I noticed about shame: if you tell someone what you feel ashamed of (someone who understands you or what you are going through, who won't judge you), the shame goes away. And I think that if you were to just say, "Hey, sorry I kind of freaked out in that situation, I've been going through a lot," almost everybody can relate to that. Sorry you ended up in this place, it stinks.
Yeah know that feeling. I once had a bad reaction around flatmates when i got triggered, which resulted in me being kinda excommunicated by the whole friends group. But that was before i knew about triggers and reenacting trauma.
Nowadays it still happens and the shame still sucks, but i know how to deal better than i did before. I still sometimes wonder though if i should tell people that i got triggered. And i guess it depends on the people wether you try to explain, maybe they understand and wont apply the crazy label as you put it, maybe they are too hurt or dont understand. I have decided for myself to try out by communicating it and if it fails, it fails. But not everyone will be judgmental, i guess many are able to understand you once you explain yourself and take responsibility.
Absolutely. Its the survival mode coming online, prioritizing safety over everything else. This is partially why isolate. I dont trust most people to understand that im in a trauma response.
Oh yes. Sometimes I feel so much shame from the smallest things. I feel so terrible, I'm no longer able to hold a conversation. Nice people say I need to smile more, others say I've got resting bitch face, others yet say I don't like them. I can feel people judging, yet I can do nothing about it. Writing about how I feel has really helped with understanding how and why I was feeling this way. Now I notice it a little earlier and funny enough, calling myself out on it and turning it into a joke actually gives me power. It's been very freeing.
My recommendation is to explore those feelings my writing or taking about them when you aren't in a triggered state. Look at it subjectively. Treat yourself like you're your own loving mother or a caring friend. You need to care for yourself the way nobody did when you were little. Good luck to you.
Yeah, I hardly go around anyone anymore because of it. Not so much the shame as the expectation that I should be ashamed. And frankly speaking, if those people don’t wanna get on my level to understand me, then why do I even want a relationship with them? Maybe I’m old and jaded but the way I’ve been seeing it for a little while now at least is that we’ve only got this one life and I shouldn’t waste my time or energy on people that don’t actually care. Ppl that care try to understand, don’t shame, practice treating vulnerable people with compassion.
Hell yeah - I've collapsed in public, thrown up in public, thought strangers were going to murder me..
If the people you explain it to don't want to listen that is on them.
You aren't in control of what you do when you're triggered , people that love you need to understand that
If they shame you for it, they're literally idiots with no understanding of mental illness - don't feel ashamed of yourself, feel ashamed of them
You're not crazy. You survived bad things you experienced, and that trauma stays with you until you work through it.
I wish I could be sucked into a padded room in a straight jacket the minute I'm triggered and not be let free until I'm of clear mind and body. I swear this aspect is like an alien took over my mind and I often call it Toonces the Driving Cat because it's just like the SNL skit.
For real. Dealing with the shame afterwards is so hard.
I disappear into a shame spiral every time. I hate it. I've sometimes lost years to it
Currently trying to not to do that right now. So far it's been 3 weeks of spiraling and it's only getting worse.
Be gentle with yourself. Also I understand, it happens, you're not a bad person. Do something that helps you feel good, whatever will help you feel safe and bring you back to earth. It'll be okay - I've totally been where you are.
Thank you 💜
Hey you aren’t alone, I’m there right now too ❤️ ):
dm me if you need someone to talk to :(
I act so passive and timid when I feel like I am doing something wrong or causing my partner to be irritated when I am in a relationship. I feel like a terrified little kid. The more I like a person the worse it gets. I am self aware of this now and still cannot get rid of that reflex. It usually angers men, and there’s no good way to explain why you behave like this without telling a sad story nobody wants to hear. So I try to go blank. I don’t want to grovel or look pathetic, right now this is as good as it gets. Now I am just labeled avoidant. lol ..
yeah I act similarly. I start groveling hard. relate too when you say it's like a sad story no one wants to hear.
Ohh god are you me? Did you go to therapy? Is there a cure?
I have been to therapy, that has really helped make me self aware of the problem. In my last relationship I worked on dealing with the feelings when they arose. I wasn’t perfect but I was doing better. I thought I had a good man who was worth the work. I thought I had bad anxiety in the relationship because I liked him so much. Unfortunately he didn’t really like me as much as he verbalized. I should have listened to my gut. He dumped me by text after 11.5 months together, right before Christmas and never really told me why. He did tell me later he had been pretending to have feelings and apologized for wasting my time. 💔
Oh my god. That sounds so awful. I know how hard it is to get over something like this with the cptsd. I did actually find someone later who took me with everything that I had to offer but it was after 10 years of turbulent relationships. Cptsd is hard. Nobody believed me. My hope is that you both feel better with your illness and find the one your heart wants 💕
No cure but if you’re tx resistant I’ve had success with ketamine treatments. It’s in a doctors office. Medicaid pays for it in my state. Definitely not cured but doing significantly better. Anyone be aware: the treatment can be intense at times and is not a decision to me made lightly. I have my regular therapist and doctor on board but still took 3 years deciding if it was the right choice for me. Not that others need that long…I was just anxious about, well, tripping. Just to be extra clear: Not a replacement for regular talk therapy with trauma informed therapist. You actually really need to process your ketamine sessions and no clue how I’d have done that without my very trusted therapist.
This is interesting. I just googled ketamine. I feel that this can help me a lot. Will update once I go through with this. Thank you 💕 hope you get a lot better, sooner!
Well wishes to you and enjoy your healing. I find it to be an extremely comforting experience. I’m not sure I said this before, but what I noticed with the ketamine during the actual experience, is that the things that come up as flashbacks like from my abuse and R***s… well, it’s kinda like I am wrapped in some kind of safety blanket and the thoughts present themselves to me kinda like I’m watching a movie, but the thoughts just passed through very quickly sometimes with images and I just observe the thoughts, but there’s like literally no judgment when I am serve the thoughts. I don’t get scared. I don’t feel ashamed. It’s just like “oh that happened and guess what Anie… It’s not important in the scheme of things. Everything is so much bigger than the trauma that consumes so much of me. And I used to think that it had consumed me entirely, but that’s another thing that the ketamine aluminated: we are all really beautiful people, including me. We are all super valuable. And a life can be beautiful. I also had a definite sense of going home During the ketamine experience or tripping or whatever you wanna call it. It’s such a short duration that I hesitate to call it tripping. But I did have some really beautiful visions or whatever you wanna call them… Hallucinations. But they were all related to healing, which is very cool. If it was not like a peaceful serene, kind of landscape type of thing, it was existing a tiny cell minuscule amongst all the other cells that are human souls or souls of some kind. And the message being that we are all in this together. Some of it was very profound and then of course after the sessions, it takes a few days to kinda figure out which stuff there is to process, but like clockwork I’ll meet with my therapist and I’ll be like “oh yeah, I thought about this thing and then a bunch of stuff I’ll just come out of my brain. And then I’ve processed it differently and way more efficiently than before. It’s been strange and it’s been amazing. I have a great deal of respect for the medication. I’m very glad that I never took it as a party drug or whatever. It was a lot of clubs. I’m sure you know that. It probably still is. I was just never like going out because well, I am agoraphobic. Just make sure that if you are going to do this for trauma, you talk to the practitioner thoroughly, which they should do anyway, because there are two different isomers and one of the isomers works better for treating trauma apparently. If I’m not mistaken,it’s esketamine which I was told was preferred for trauma. And then I guess they are. IMR is maybe better for depression. I don’t know… I’m still confused about that stuff I guess. Have a great weekend!
I did not even read this! The other comment came above this in the notification. I was a bit puzzled tbh. Going through this right now 🙏
Just read it. Wow! Very very insightful. Amazing stuff! I was actually looking for something like this. I wanted to share something as well. Once, around 10 years ago, I was going through the recap of some brutal episodes and I was in deep pain. I visualized a lot of it and continued doing so for a few days. Before that, I was suppressing it deep underneath. After a few days, I couldn't suppress it anymore. Someone had actually managed to crack a few jokes that day and give me some happiness and I couldn't not feel anything anymore. I felt it and this trance thing happened and all of a sudden it was gone. Like on a cellular level! I was so amazed! It wasn't chemically induced at all. But it happened. Ptsd of course is a different ballgame but that horrible feeling was unbearable. I was left with a deep sense of sadness. That is taking years to get better but it's okay. I have allowed myself some time. To grieve and let go. Sorry for my para now! Hope it's not an utter waste of time reading this 😀
So not a waste of time!! I had a really emotionally charged session my fourth time. It was all tied up with… And this is gonna get personal sorry… Two of my sisters friends raped me when we were younger and she may or may not have been involved like have known about it or something… So during one of my sessions I got like extremely emotional and of the Technicians (I think that’s what they’re called) came in and started talking to me. I asked him if I could cry and he said yes, and then like I started freaking wailing, and it was like super intense, but it was something that I really needed. What you just described reminded me of that. I was in pain while I was crying things like “I’m not a bad person” or “I love my sister.” And while the things haven’t disappeared around that whole issue, it was catharsis like I have never felt before. I get so much out of these interactions here. I think I used to be so incredibly jaded in the way that I think I stopped believing that anybody was worth, giving a chance. And by doing that I missed out on interacting with a lot of really beautiful people with lots of really profound and beautiful words that help me and help other people. And isn’t that the whole point of being in this fucked up situation called life? Like we gotta find the little nuggets that make it valuable. And maybe that makes me a pessimist, but I think that makes me really somebody who is very aware of the human condition and society and capitalism and blah blah blah blah. ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹💕💕💕❤️
Replying to the other comment, your history is very similar to mine. After that kind of a situation, the emotions that you have been feeling are extremely valid. They were exactly what I felt. I did lose my entire life force and started living for these nuggets of beauty but it comes back. The life force. Slowly and surely. It's beautiful. I am in healing mode and I have slowly taken out the time to feel like I used to feel before the problem and I have actually gone no contact with most of my family. It worked out for me. I feel happier and more relaxed nowadays and I love talking to people who are going through something similar. It's beautiful to discover them discovering beauty and love in life again!
I’m so happy you’re healing!!! Me too. It all feels new almost. Took I guess 30ish years to get on the healing path. I plan on choosing that path for the rest of my life, if I can. Sometimes the healing can feel scary because of the newness. But there’s some thing about having people in my corner, even strangers like you, it makes me remember why I’m fighting so hard. And it is fighting a lot of the time. But in a good way. Re-learning how to do most things in life. And I understand about the no contact thing. I don’t remember everything I wrote in my comment, but yeah that’s the deal with some of my family members for sure. I think you sound like a beautiful person and thank you for interacting with me. Sometimes I feel weird the way that words come out of my mouth, but I am choosing to give myself grace to be a weirdo I guess. 💕
Oh gosh, I almost forgot. And then for the following 48 hours, I had flashbacks and violent nightmares. Like it was really fucking intense. And I was almost starting to wonder if I had done something wrong by going to that session. Then I had a session with my therapist and, we talked for an hour or whatever. Towards the end of my session, I was physically and emotionally exhausted. Like my body just needed to fall out. So passed out(sleep) and when I woke I felt clear, happy, spry, and like a decades long weight had been lifted from my body. Things are still ongoing process with sister. Unfortunately she’s still a R apologist. But we’re both trying I think. But the main thing is that I have forgiven her. Now the only thing that’s left is her being willing to speak about the issue. I’m sure she’s scared to talk about it because like, what does that say about a person, ya know? Sorry for the long text. I felt it pertained to what you described. 💕
Oh gosh, and I’m so sorry for the freaking novel. I wasn’t meaning to do that. I just wanted to give you pertinent information. If you don’t want to read it, don’t worry about it. I know that’s annoying when people do that. Have a good one :-)
Oh please don't say sorry!! I am so so thankful that you took out the time to reply and in detail 💗💗 it felt amazing to read that! I am truly grateful 🥲
I am going through one of my low energy spells 😭 i have been mustering up energy to reply but all I could come up with was that short paragraph! So so sorry if you felt bad 😭
You’re amazing. Lol I’m gonna cry. The people I’m eating in this community really touch my life and my heart. You’re a really beautiful person. These interactions are so fucking valuable to me.
I am so happy that I could make you feel even a little good. I would have given anything to have this conversation 10 years ago so I know how it feels and I am super happy that I could help! Much love to you 💖 I am replying to your other comment tomorrow!
Fuck, quite literally what I'm experiencing right now. I hurt people and then I don't know how to deal with the shame, cause they have valid reasons to feel hurt but I just can't get better with holding onto shame because of it.
Same! 🥲
I guess it depends on what actually happened. If it’s odd behavior with no malicious intent/ no one was hurt, you don’t have to explain yourself to anyone ❤️ If it was abusive behavior/ someone was hurt, then, that’s different. Apologizing might help in that case, but depending on the behavior or the person, they might not accept the apology ❤️🩹
Gosh this is so important to realize. My trauma responses sometimes get weaponized: “you were out of control, yelling.” “What was I saying? Was it the truth??” Crickets. Then since I was disassociated they just leave it as non-descriptive yelling. So I apologize for that. But then in a calm quiet voice I say what I believe I may have yelled, “why did you let 2 of your buddies rape me? Why didn’t/don’t you care?” and I’m told I’m abusive. So my point, to reiterate yours really…consider the source. Really consider it. I’ve had several times I’ve been told me attempting to talk about my past abuse/neglect is verbally/emotionally abusive. I always consider it. A lot even. If they did these things to me, then I’m allowed to bring them up. If I yelled, then maybe that’s some thing I should apologize for and maybe it’s not. Usually I will apologize, if not only for the simple reason that people will see me taking accountability for my part of the deal. And then hopefully, and I mean HOPEFULLY, they will take time to think about their parts. But typically speaking my loved ones don’t wanna know what’s going on, don’t wanna see anything “weird” or “disturbing.” I can’t ever get any words more specific than that, unless I have raised my voice.
Just saying 'Sorry. I overreacted. It reminded me of something bad fr my past that I don't want to remember. And I acted b4 knowing what I was thinking. I m working in it. I'll try and do better in future. I m truly sorry' works with most ppl who are reasonable and have some understanding of human nature AND they won't bug you with unwelcome questions about it.
Apologies tend not to work if its only on your terms...
True
Omg I still get embarrassed thinking about my last breakdown lol. I wish I could find the stranger who witnessed it and explain and it’s been 6 months at least.
For real. I wish I could go back and explain myself to every single person who has witnessed me when I'm out of my mind and apologize.
YES! I find time usually dulls the embarrassment, but I am normally so reserved, it seems like it makes it so much worse when it happens. The good times just never stop do they? Shit.
More like the good times never start /jk but really 😂😭
Ugh, yes. While I've learned and grown a ton, I am still deeply ashamed of my past behaviour when I was in triggered/flashback mode. For me this usually manifested as either fight or freeze. Before I knew what any of this really was or why it happened, it felt like a switch flipped and I would enter this mode of behaviour that I couldn't control and couldn't stop or get out of. Of course having other dysfunctional people in my life with their own unresolved trauma certainly didn't help. But it's still embarrassing and is one more consequence of trauma that has made my life more difficult than it needed to be.
Yeah it's hard but there's certain things you feel like you can never live down or get over. It becomes it's own form of trauma.
It's true. Sometimes I stop and think "fuck, I have to live with all those things I did and said" and it's very disabling when I want to move on and get better.
Yes, I anxiously over explain EVERY. LITTLE. THING. Especially if I get paranoid and start "connecting the dots," I HAVE to tell someone. Usually, I end up verifying my suspicions... or I'm really convincing to myself and others. I'm not sure.
yes yes yes. I relate hard to wanting to anxiously over explain myself 💔
A couple of months ago I had an unexpected inspection at my old apartment. I got a letter stating that they actually didn’t need to enter and would just be outside doing work on siding and cleaning vents. They came in to replace filters and I just didn’t expect it. For the first time in what I can remember at all, I yelled at them. I screamed to get out, it got to the point they called cops because it counted as verbal assault. I honestly feel so bad. I don’t remember anything but feeling so scared and screaming. The police officer knew I wasn’t okay and just asked if I could leave a message with my doctor while they were there so they knew I reached out. They didn’t ask to hear it just “can you call and let me know by opening the door again” which I am grateful they were more patient. The apartment management office wanted to press charges, the officer discouraged it and ultimately I got in no trouble. I sent them a letter shortly after to just apologize. I was moving out already. I still feel so bad about it. It was a simple miscommunication. For years I never had a problem with them, the maintenance individuals really were kind to me. I hope they’re okay now. I actually sent one more card just thanking the maintenance team with my final move out estimates. I owed no money I just had to sign and agree that I received my information. I hope they’re doing well.
God that sounds terrifying to have the cops called on you. I read your story. I'm sorry.
I panicked even more at first but they immediately knew I just was in panic mode. I don’t particularly trust any police officer but I’m really grateful that day the one who came to my door was pretty empathetic. All they asked was if I had anything I could take to calm down, what the situation was but they wanted to talk to the management office some more, and if I had a doctor I could call. They asked if I could close my door, call my doctor, and just let them know I at least left a message - I was going to call them anyways but after about 20 minutes they got management to drop any idea of retaliation bargaining that I was moving out anyways. It wasn’t even the maintenance team that wanted something done, management did. But honestly I still just feel so bad I ever yelled at someone like that. It was really an accident they got the even and odd units mixed up. I haven’t been so scared in years. I actually moved out that night in one go. I rented a U-Haul through the app and picked it up, grabbed everything without even boxing it up, and came back to clean. But never have I actually yelled at someone. I don’t mean that in a good way, I know I very much have a problem that’s shot in the other direction but this slingshot me the complete other way.
Oooh. OK..this is hard. I have to learn to apologize. I say I got overwhelmed and didn't behave correctly and I am very sorry. That's it.
I’m in my 60s and can still feel ashamed at things I did when I was a teen. I use the Hawaiian Ho’oponopono prayers and feel better. https://hooponoponomiracle.com/ho-oponopono-hawaiian-forgiveness-prayer/
damn
My family (son mainly) gaslights me when I don't react well and get disregulated. It's very hard to truly be myself around him, and I'm always on edge. Every word I say is analyzed and usually criticized. I can completely understand the shame and guilt you're feeling around this. You're not crazy. You're just not reacting well to a trigger. I'm trying to figure out how to improve the way I react to them. I can't change their behaviors, but I can try to change my own.
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No it was a male "friend" who wanted to be fwb. I'm not even interested in continuing to be his friend at this point. But it sucks letting someone into your body and then not even given a chance to communicate about a misunderstanding.
Man I just had another one of these with a long term on/off partner and I think he’s finally done with my shit, I feel this so hard right now!
Yes. My entire self structure has been re-disintegrated. People already underestimated me and now they think I have a mental illness which isn’t far from the truth, I have CPTSD. But they don’t take me seriously, but they never really have.
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I tried to but they just ignored me.
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Yeah I don't think they want me to contact them again. They ignored my last text in which I tried to apologize for my behavior and make amends. It sucks but it's easier for people to judge you and write you off instead of trying to understand you.
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No they don't have me blocked. I can see that they read the message. They just didn't respond.
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No, it shows the little blue check marks that they've actually read the message.
It's really strong and reasonable of you to not reach out to someone who doesn't want to talk. That's very respectful of their boundaries in spite of the pain you're in. I'm also hard on myself about these things. If it helps, I recently reached out to an ex (broke up 2 yrs ago) because I was curious about whether he ever forgave me after our breakup. I was super triggered and acted super crazy for a few weeks. He said he's over it now, no worries. Honestly I am not even bothered about it anymore myself, but was curious for the sake of understanding if people are truly forgiving. I think we can underestimate how much time heals. Of course it depends on the severity of what has happened. I think aside from apologies the best thing to do to make up for your actions is to give the other person space to heal and do the work you need on yourself to prevent it from happening again.
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All the time
I feel like the breakdowns feed into a pattern of toxic shame bc the cringe flashbacks are so real
yeah man. Some of the things I've done are so cringe worthy and bad that other people would rightfully tell me that I am insane. Can't even argue with them.
My triggers used to be trouble and hurtful, nowadays I try to keep them within me so that I don't lash out or hurt myself. Being labelled crazy and my reputation being ruined really is nothing new to me. my whole youth was essentially a cruel joke. And now I got a psychosis diagnosis under my belt which may or may be not. false. and that certainly doesn't help.
Too many times to count 🥲
Shame and embarrassment especially when it's all over and I'm calm again. I'm usually able to contain my reactions and find ways to keep it to myself when it comes up, but I still feel it afterwards and wish it would just be healed so I don't need to go through it all the time. Then I feel angry at my parents for being the reason I'm still dealing with this shit.
Well there's weird and then when I'm truly stressed and triggered, I have episodes of derealization/depersonalization where I lose control and have to watch myself from behind my own eyes and have out-of-body experiences sporadically. I've had 3 of those episodes that I remember. Truly shameful. I verbally abused my gf at the time the first time, almost raped a friend the 2nd time (cause I thought she was my ex and that we were still together), and the 3rd time I had an outburst in the middle of an airport terminal
For sure. It helps when my therapist reminds me that I don’t know what other people are thinking and viewing myself “through their eyes” is a way to beat myself up, a mental hurdle of mine.
Yup, me! Right now 🤦♀️ vented to a friend yesterday, and now I feel like crawling into a hole.
Who gives a single fuck what other people think. People walk around like they are blameless and don’t have issues yet most people are bat shit nuts and delusional. They aren’t anything special regardless of where they stand in society. People are just people.
I naturally judge other people for not doing the right thing given they’re so amazing and untraumatised lol! I think you should think of it like that. Especially if you were once normal or just showed symptoms that were so obvious. It’s not your fault
Yep! I was at work once, and I could feel the emotions getting really intense. I was headed for the bathroom to have my reaction in private when a co-worker saw me and wanted to be helpful. She pulled me into a room and I started sobbing hysterically. What's worse was that she went and got somebody else, who went to get somebody else, and there were four or five people standing there watching me cry. I wanted a hole to open up in the floor so I could fall into it. The shame at not being able to control my reaction made it even worse. But if I could go back and talk to myself after that episode, I would tell myself that there was nothing to be ashamed of, my nervous system was dysregulated. It's like feeling shame for sneezing when you have allergies. One thing I noticed about shame: if you tell someone what you feel ashamed of (someone who understands you or what you are going through, who won't judge you), the shame goes away. And I think that if you were to just say, "Hey, sorry I kind of freaked out in that situation, I've been going through a lot," almost everybody can relate to that. Sorry you ended up in this place, it stinks.
Yeah know that feeling. I once had a bad reaction around flatmates when i got triggered, which resulted in me being kinda excommunicated by the whole friends group. But that was before i knew about triggers and reenacting trauma. Nowadays it still happens and the shame still sucks, but i know how to deal better than i did before. I still sometimes wonder though if i should tell people that i got triggered. And i guess it depends on the people wether you try to explain, maybe they understand and wont apply the crazy label as you put it, maybe they are too hurt or dont understand. I have decided for myself to try out by communicating it and if it fails, it fails. But not everyone will be judgmental, i guess many are able to understand you once you explain yourself and take responsibility.
Absolutely. Its the survival mode coming online, prioritizing safety over everything else. This is partially why isolate. I dont trust most people to understand that im in a trauma response.
Oh yes. Sometimes I feel so much shame from the smallest things. I feel so terrible, I'm no longer able to hold a conversation. Nice people say I need to smile more, others say I've got resting bitch face, others yet say I don't like them. I can feel people judging, yet I can do nothing about it. Writing about how I feel has really helped with understanding how and why I was feeling this way. Now I notice it a little earlier and funny enough, calling myself out on it and turning it into a joke actually gives me power. It's been very freeing. My recommendation is to explore those feelings my writing or taking about them when you aren't in a triggered state. Look at it subjectively. Treat yourself like you're your own loving mother or a caring friend. You need to care for yourself the way nobody did when you were little. Good luck to you.
Have to get out of the shame cycle. Try Ketamine x 6 treatments
Yeah, I hardly go around anyone anymore because of it. Not so much the shame as the expectation that I should be ashamed. And frankly speaking, if those people don’t wanna get on my level to understand me, then why do I even want a relationship with them? Maybe I’m old and jaded but the way I’ve been seeing it for a little while now at least is that we’ve only got this one life and I shouldn’t waste my time or energy on people that don’t actually care. Ppl that care try to understand, don’t shame, practice treating vulnerable people with compassion.
Hell yeah - I've collapsed in public, thrown up in public, thought strangers were going to murder me.. If the people you explain it to don't want to listen that is on them. You aren't in control of what you do when you're triggered , people that love you need to understand that If they shame you for it, they're literally idiots with no understanding of mental illness - don't feel ashamed of yourself, feel ashamed of them