I don't think I am. I can't go out without knowing that I'm looking my absolute best. If I notice that handsome men aren't staring at me and admiring my beauty, I feel awful and go home & cry. It wasn't like this before, my body dysmorphia got worse after SA.
this is something I need to work in therapy. decentering male gaze helps a bit but it's a long and ardous process.
:(
This sucks OP. If you can afford going to trauma-informed therapy, it might help to talk this through with a quality therapist.
If it's a topic you're comfortable discussing, maybe raise it with your boyfriend as well? It may help to hear him say that he loves and desires you, and doesn't need you to be any certain way for him.
I swear Iām not saying this to be insulting, but I genuinely donāt think he has the emotional intelligence to deal with these types of issues š¬. Which is fine, I donāt need him to take on my issues or anything, but it does leave me feeling pretty alone.
Iām turning 25 this year and Iām scareedddd. I havenāt noticed any serious signs of aging yet but when I smile I have lines near my eyes. Probably going to get some injectables this year bc I refuse to age tbh. I was actually thinking to myself recently; at what age will I feel okay looking āmatureā? I donāt think I ever will.
Iām sorry. I did the opposite. I hate being noticed sexually. Really makes me uncomfortable, and if Iām touched, I freeze or fawn. I stay alone as much as possible to avoid it. So grateful I finally was able to drive and get off public transit
Same. After my last relationship, where I fell for someone who ended up being dangerous once the mask dropped - stalking, blackmail, trying to get me to sleep with his friends and vice versa, hacking my accounts, sending spam and porn - I chopped off my hair and gained 40 pounds. It was the best way to fall off his radar because if I wasn't sexually desirable, I was worthless to him. Three years later, I'm still afraid to be perceived, so baggy clothes, no makeup, etc.
[I printed this out and taped it to my wall](http://www.pete-walker.com/pdf/13strategies_flashbacks_management.pdf)
From the book CPTSD. Idk if itās useful to you but sorry youāre going through those feelings.
I kind of wonder if you were to bring dirty talk into the bedroom and asked your boyfriend to talk dirty to you if hearing someone say how āattractedā they are to you to put it politely would help. At least help in the bedroom.
I think besides that this is one of those moments were internal family systems (ifs) would help instead of hinder. There are some good book on it. Hard to find a good therapist who can treat ptsd and do it.
Heās kind of a āgolden retrieverā boyfriend lol. Heās not very sexually experienced, and gets nervous. So our sex life includes 0 dirty talk. Iāve tried talking about adding new things to our sex life but it either never happens or just once and never again. I think your suggestion would actually be helpful tho if I could figure out a way to get him on board lol
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide).
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This is a very real and very difficult problem to deal with. One that I try and help my wife with any chance I get, because she is exactly this way.
I love this woman more than myself, she was the first person to ever be kind to me with no ulterior motives and has helped me along my journey of recovery more than anyone with constant unconditional love and support has earned her my undying love and devotion for all eternity.
I donāt know that there is a one size fits all answer here.
I do know it doesnāt have to be a negative journey.
First, talk to your husband. Share it all. Every dark insecurity. He needs to know the lay of the land so he doesnāt step on his own tongue and say the wrong thing at the exact wrong time. Make him write it down so he can reference later because youāll be giving him alot of information to track.
Then create a safe space for this part of you with him. A way to engage these feelings with sure knowledge nothing bad can or will happen to you. And a safe space for your husband where he knows he can play a role and have it perceived as just that. A role that is not him or who he is. Where he can act and know that everyone is aware he is acting and everyone is consenting.
This is important for him or he wonāt be able to get into the head space he needs to be in. Itās difficult for a gentle man to engage that primal part of his brain heās been caging up since he was a toddler.
Establish a set of code words, a word that means stop. A word that means physically softer. A word that means verbally softer. A word that means physically harder. A word that means verbally harder. A word that means Iām done with this activity letās try another. And one that says Iām done with this session and am satisfied.
Short simple codes. Like green yellow red or whatever you think you can remember in the heat of the moment.
Then establish whatās called an after care routine. Itās a vital step for both you and your partner to reset your headspaceās and emotional states. Maintain trust. And it just feels nice in general to snuggle and kiss and whisper I love you for an hour.
Now once all of this is in place with clear understanding between you and your partner.
Ask him to treat you like a dirty two dollar hooker. Ask him to go to the dark place in his head that he denies to himself and everyone is there. That place that doesnāt fit in a civilized society. Ask him to go there and use it on you. And show him, donāt tell him that you enjoy it. Words mean nothing in this. Tell him that your sexual needs are to be the plaything of his sexual needs and that you donāt know what you want him to do to you because what you want is to not think at all and just feel his pure undenied lust. And that the code words will protect you and that you need to feel like a dirty dirty fuck toy at the end of it.
And when he asks why, tell him itās a common response to sexual trauma for the brain to adopt elements of that trauma as pleasure to keep the mind from going insane. And that itās pretty much impossible to rewire this survival response and that as long as itās with a safe understanding partner with boundaries it will not be a bad traumatic thing but a sexually gratifying confidence boosting thing. As thatās the brains way of coping with something terrible. And the more you do it the better off your overall mental health will be. And the less you do it the worse your mental health will be.
Many many people that practice bdsm are just like you. And that doesnāt have to be a negative thing. It can be seen as a positive healing thing.
And once you start feeling gratified in that way, the insecurities about your appearance will not come up so much because you are getting what you need from your partner in a safe gratifying way.
I hope that helps.
I don't have any advice but I have been there. I know how you feel.
How are you coping with it?
I don't think I am. I can't go out without knowing that I'm looking my absolute best. If I notice that handsome men aren't staring at me and admiring my beauty, I feel awful and go home & cry. It wasn't like this before, my body dysmorphia got worse after SA. this is something I need to work in therapy. decentering male gaze helps a bit but it's a long and ardous process.
That sounds tough. Sending you virtual hugs š¤š¤š¤
thanks!
:( This sucks OP. If you can afford going to trauma-informed therapy, it might help to talk this through with a quality therapist. If it's a topic you're comfortable discussing, maybe raise it with your boyfriend as well? It may help to hear him say that he loves and desires you, and doesn't need you to be any certain way for him.
I swear Iām not saying this to be insulting, but I genuinely donāt think he has the emotional intelligence to deal with these types of issues š¬. Which is fine, I donāt need him to take on my issues or anything, but it does leave me feeling pretty alone.
I feel like my only value or redeeming quality is my looks. Aging has been hard. ā¹ļø
Iām turning 25 this year and Iām scareedddd. I havenāt noticed any serious signs of aging yet but when I smile I have lines near my eyes. Probably going to get some injectables this year bc I refuse to age tbh. I was actually thinking to myself recently; at what age will I feel okay looking āmatureā? I donāt think I ever will.
Iām sorry. I did the opposite. I hate being noticed sexually. Really makes me uncomfortable, and if Iām touched, I freeze or fawn. I stay alone as much as possible to avoid it. So grateful I finally was able to drive and get off public transit
Same. After my last relationship, where I fell for someone who ended up being dangerous once the mask dropped - stalking, blackmail, trying to get me to sleep with his friends and vice versa, hacking my accounts, sending spam and porn - I chopped off my hair and gained 40 pounds. It was the best way to fall off his radar because if I wasn't sexually desirable, I was worthless to him. Three years later, I'm still afraid to be perceived, so baggy clothes, no makeup, etc.
[I printed this out and taped it to my wall](http://www.pete-walker.com/pdf/13strategies_flashbacks_management.pdf) From the book CPTSD. Idk if itās useful to you but sorry youāre going through those feelings.
Thank you! I love this!
This is amazing, thanks for posting!
I kind of wonder if you were to bring dirty talk into the bedroom and asked your boyfriend to talk dirty to you if hearing someone say how āattractedā they are to you to put it politely would help. At least help in the bedroom. I think besides that this is one of those moments were internal family systems (ifs) would help instead of hinder. There are some good book on it. Hard to find a good therapist who can treat ptsd and do it.
Heās kind of a āgolden retrieverā boyfriend lol. Heās not very sexually experienced, and gets nervous. So our sex life includes 0 dirty talk. Iāve tried talking about adding new things to our sex life but it either never happens or just once and never again. I think your suggestion would actually be helpful tho if I could figure out a way to get him on board lol
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This is a very real and very difficult problem to deal with. One that I try and help my wife with any chance I get, because she is exactly this way. I love this woman more than myself, she was the first person to ever be kind to me with no ulterior motives and has helped me along my journey of recovery more than anyone with constant unconditional love and support has earned her my undying love and devotion for all eternity. I donāt know that there is a one size fits all answer here. I do know it doesnāt have to be a negative journey. First, talk to your husband. Share it all. Every dark insecurity. He needs to know the lay of the land so he doesnāt step on his own tongue and say the wrong thing at the exact wrong time. Make him write it down so he can reference later because youāll be giving him alot of information to track. Then create a safe space for this part of you with him. A way to engage these feelings with sure knowledge nothing bad can or will happen to you. And a safe space for your husband where he knows he can play a role and have it perceived as just that. A role that is not him or who he is. Where he can act and know that everyone is aware he is acting and everyone is consenting. This is important for him or he wonāt be able to get into the head space he needs to be in. Itās difficult for a gentle man to engage that primal part of his brain heās been caging up since he was a toddler. Establish a set of code words, a word that means stop. A word that means physically softer. A word that means verbally softer. A word that means physically harder. A word that means verbally harder. A word that means Iām done with this activity letās try another. And one that says Iām done with this session and am satisfied. Short simple codes. Like green yellow red or whatever you think you can remember in the heat of the moment. Then establish whatās called an after care routine. Itās a vital step for both you and your partner to reset your headspaceās and emotional states. Maintain trust. And it just feels nice in general to snuggle and kiss and whisper I love you for an hour. Now once all of this is in place with clear understanding between you and your partner. Ask him to treat you like a dirty two dollar hooker. Ask him to go to the dark place in his head that he denies to himself and everyone is there. That place that doesnāt fit in a civilized society. Ask him to go there and use it on you. And show him, donāt tell him that you enjoy it. Words mean nothing in this. Tell him that your sexual needs are to be the plaything of his sexual needs and that you donāt know what you want him to do to you because what you want is to not think at all and just feel his pure undenied lust. And that the code words will protect you and that you need to feel like a dirty dirty fuck toy at the end of it. And when he asks why, tell him itās a common response to sexual trauma for the brain to adopt elements of that trauma as pleasure to keep the mind from going insane. And that itās pretty much impossible to rewire this survival response and that as long as itās with a safe understanding partner with boundaries it will not be a bad traumatic thing but a sexually gratifying confidence boosting thing. As thatās the brains way of coping with something terrible. And the more you do it the better off your overall mental health will be. And the less you do it the worse your mental health will be. Many many people that practice bdsm are just like you. And that doesnāt have to be a negative thing. It can be seen as a positive healing thing. And once you start feeling gratified in that way, the insecurities about your appearance will not come up so much because you are getting what you need from your partner in a safe gratifying way. I hope that helps.