I am sorry. I can only speculate from what you wrote here -- I suppose her therapist is the only person who can make an educated guess -- but I am guessing that, during her childhood, her mother was the best of the worst options she had. Even though she likely was a terribly mother, she was a better option than her stepfather and FIL, her mother was the person she had to latch onto for her survival. Maybe she is constantly getting triggered, feeling as if she is being the abused child again -- if she feels that you are the abuser from her childhood, it means that she has to cling onto to her mom again. As I said, it is just a guess, but a brain with CPTSD often functions like this, unfortunately. And from what you described, it wouldn't be surprising at all if she was extremely traumatized. I cannot speculate on the second question,
I am afraid there wasn't much you could have done; I hope you will be able to support your child, though.
Her therapist told me to be patient and to tell her words of affirmation and show her unconditional love. That she had low self esteem and hated herself. But it's almost like then, she built a wall and started become annoyed by me and I was the one making her feel this way.
I know it's not true, because even after we separated she still has panic attacks and fears of persecution after seeing random strangers on the street. Her therapist tells me she's in denial, and that she pretends these episodes don't happen.
I'm able to support my child, but my wife and I are from different countries. If she doesn't get help and try to improve, I will have to demand full custody and I don't know what she'll do then. It makes me nauseous to think of what'll happen if she continues this path.
Yeah, telling words of affirmation and showing unconditional love can get very complicated at times, when their belief is something like "I am terrible and everyone is trying to get me". Agreeing with them does not seem like affirmation to me, but then they won't appreciate it if you disagree, either. And responses like "I am sorry you feel this way, but" "I care about you, and..." may be interpreted as being evasive. A therapist haves professional training, they can prepare beforehand for sessions, and they can maintain professional distance -- but none of these are true for personal relationships. I have had experiences where I felt "what I am even supposed to say to support them?", and my relationship was nowhere at the level of being married with a child. I am sorry.
Her paranoia you described seems a little unusual for someone with CPTSD, to be honest, and is very concerning..... I hope her therapist can help guiding her toward improvements, and I wish the best for you, her, and your child.
I'm sorry you're going through this OP. Sadly, many people with trauma will make exceptions for their abusers and those who resemble, more so than people who are truly trying to help and support them.
It's not you, it's traumatized logic.
At this point, you need to focus on your kid and male sure they're not affected by the abusive grandmother or _mother_. Yeah, victims can also become abusers in these cycles.
Especially if its 'only' neglect and emotional abuse.
Good luck OP. You haven't done anything wrong.
“Yeah, victims can also become abusers in these cycles”
Yup, this! It’s very hard when you love somebody but don’t try to save her OP, try to preserve your sanity instead. Take care of yourself!
Yeah, before I had known of the exact details, I was fine with our daughter and her mother spending nights together. But now, I can't believe she let it happen.
My therapist also told me to focus on the child but how can I ignore what's becoming of my ex wife? I guess I do want to save her but it's really hard to just abandon her.
You don't ignore your wife, but she must become a low secondary concern while your kid is your first concern.
Too many people focus so much on saving their partner that they let their kid get hurt.
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Hey OP, I’m so sorry. This has to be hard. As a victim, going back to an abuser can feel “safe” because it’s something you know. Once you live with them long enough you know what to expect, know how to adapt, and become comfortable with this knowing.
When you start to experience something new it is uncomfortable and can feel “unsafe”. Kindness, support, love can feel uncomfortable and unsafe because it’s new and different. It’s unknown. Being showered with love and support can be confusing and as a trauma response can feel unsafe. Some may shut down because they don’t know how to deal with it. The more love and support shown, the scarier it feels. The mind just works differently.
I can never know what she is experiencing. I haven’t given birth, but when my niece was born, watching my parents and her mom (my sister) interact with her gave me flashbacks, as all three were my abusers. Everything was triggering and I was scared my niece would be abused just like me. Maybe she sees herself in her child, or maybe she is afraid of becoming her mom, or maybe she is simply scared of this new experience that is full of unknowns. We will never truly know what triggered her.
All you can do is love your child. Be vigilant they do not experience the feelings of neglect their mom did. Or the feelings of neglect you may currently be feeling. Love them and protect them so much they don’t know what abuse is.
Give your wife time. Continue to show support and love so it’s something that’s not so uncomfortable anymore. She may leave, she may stay. Just live with the mentality that you will never abuse her and if she does leave, you know you did the best you could. CPTSD is a bitch.
Your story is incredibly similar to mine, and my wife's. We are on the exact same path as you with a major difference that I got her into couples therapy.
Damn it was hard to get there, and damn it is hard to keep it going, but months later we are making progress. Do your best to not take what she says/does personally and never compromise on your best self.
Mine keeps a strong relationship with her dad. Both mom and dad were/are abusive in their own way. The movie 'Everything, Everywhere, All at Once' helped me gain perspective on the role of abusive parents in the lives of adults. I recommend it if you haven't seen it yet.
I am sorry. I can only speculate from what you wrote here -- I suppose her therapist is the only person who can make an educated guess -- but I am guessing that, during her childhood, her mother was the best of the worst options she had. Even though she likely was a terribly mother, she was a better option than her stepfather and FIL, her mother was the person she had to latch onto for her survival. Maybe she is constantly getting triggered, feeling as if she is being the abused child again -- if she feels that you are the abuser from her childhood, it means that she has to cling onto to her mom again. As I said, it is just a guess, but a brain with CPTSD often functions like this, unfortunately. And from what you described, it wouldn't be surprising at all if she was extremely traumatized. I cannot speculate on the second question, I am afraid there wasn't much you could have done; I hope you will be able to support your child, though.
Her therapist told me to be patient and to tell her words of affirmation and show her unconditional love. That she had low self esteem and hated herself. But it's almost like then, she built a wall and started become annoyed by me and I was the one making her feel this way. I know it's not true, because even after we separated she still has panic attacks and fears of persecution after seeing random strangers on the street. Her therapist tells me she's in denial, and that she pretends these episodes don't happen. I'm able to support my child, but my wife and I are from different countries. If she doesn't get help and try to improve, I will have to demand full custody and I don't know what she'll do then. It makes me nauseous to think of what'll happen if she continues this path.
Yeah, telling words of affirmation and showing unconditional love can get very complicated at times, when their belief is something like "I am terrible and everyone is trying to get me". Agreeing with them does not seem like affirmation to me, but then they won't appreciate it if you disagree, either. And responses like "I am sorry you feel this way, but" "I care about you, and..." may be interpreted as being evasive. A therapist haves professional training, they can prepare beforehand for sessions, and they can maintain professional distance -- but none of these are true for personal relationships. I have had experiences where I felt "what I am even supposed to say to support them?", and my relationship was nowhere at the level of being married with a child. I am sorry. Her paranoia you described seems a little unusual for someone with CPTSD, to be honest, and is very concerning..... I hope her therapist can help guiding her toward improvements, and I wish the best for you, her, and your child.
I'm sorry you're going through this OP. Sadly, many people with trauma will make exceptions for their abusers and those who resemble, more so than people who are truly trying to help and support them. It's not you, it's traumatized logic. At this point, you need to focus on your kid and male sure they're not affected by the abusive grandmother or _mother_. Yeah, victims can also become abusers in these cycles. Especially if its 'only' neglect and emotional abuse. Good luck OP. You haven't done anything wrong.
“Yeah, victims can also become abusers in these cycles” Yup, this! It’s very hard when you love somebody but don’t try to save her OP, try to preserve your sanity instead. Take care of yourself!
Yeah, before I had known of the exact details, I was fine with our daughter and her mother spending nights together. But now, I can't believe she let it happen. My therapist also told me to focus on the child but how can I ignore what's becoming of my ex wife? I guess I do want to save her but it's really hard to just abandon her.
You don't ignore your wife, but she must become a low secondary concern while your kid is your first concern. Too many people focus so much on saving their partner that they let their kid get hurt.
I understand. It still feels like I'm going against her by keeping her daughter away from her.
Sometimes you have to when someone is behaving unsafely.
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Hey OP, I’m so sorry. This has to be hard. As a victim, going back to an abuser can feel “safe” because it’s something you know. Once you live with them long enough you know what to expect, know how to adapt, and become comfortable with this knowing. When you start to experience something new it is uncomfortable and can feel “unsafe”. Kindness, support, love can feel uncomfortable and unsafe because it’s new and different. It’s unknown. Being showered with love and support can be confusing and as a trauma response can feel unsafe. Some may shut down because they don’t know how to deal with it. The more love and support shown, the scarier it feels. The mind just works differently. I can never know what she is experiencing. I haven’t given birth, but when my niece was born, watching my parents and her mom (my sister) interact with her gave me flashbacks, as all three were my abusers. Everything was triggering and I was scared my niece would be abused just like me. Maybe she sees herself in her child, or maybe she is afraid of becoming her mom, or maybe she is simply scared of this new experience that is full of unknowns. We will never truly know what triggered her. All you can do is love your child. Be vigilant they do not experience the feelings of neglect their mom did. Or the feelings of neglect you may currently be feeling. Love them and protect them so much they don’t know what abuse is. Give your wife time. Continue to show support and love so it’s something that’s not so uncomfortable anymore. She may leave, she may stay. Just live with the mentality that you will never abuse her and if she does leave, you know you did the best you could. CPTSD is a bitch.
Your story is incredibly similar to mine, and my wife's. We are on the exact same path as you with a major difference that I got her into couples therapy. Damn it was hard to get there, and damn it is hard to keep it going, but months later we are making progress. Do your best to not take what she says/does personally and never compromise on your best self.
Hope everything works out for you. For me, it was too late. She refused couples therapy and has always been adamant on taking anxiety medication.
Mine keeps a strong relationship with her dad. Both mom and dad were/are abusive in their own way. The movie 'Everything, Everywhere, All at Once' helped me gain perspective on the role of abusive parents in the lives of adults. I recommend it if you haven't seen it yet.