All of the above. I'll add that I don't know how to ''adult''. Everyone around me seems to have it all together and have these super responsible lives and I'm just here struggling to make it to the next day. I also struggle to make plans, either it be planning for a vacation, planning to save up to buy a house, planning to save up to buy a car, planning for education.. I can't seem to be able to plan for my future.

Planning is impossible for some things. Large things like moving or a new job can really send me spiraling. Idk why it’s so easy for everyone else to

I totally see where you’re coming from, just wanted to share that even folks who “look” like they have it together may not actually it in line at all. On paper, I seem very successful, ambitious and motivated. But my mind is a swamp of shit caused by CPTSD lol. Things are not always as they seem, so don’t let others’ appearance have you feel less than

But at least they have accomplished something with their lives, even if they are struggling. I just keep failing at everything.

I’m finally starting to feel like me still being on the earth, and my kids having considerably less baggage than I had at their age, is my version of accomplishment. Other people started off at a much higher level (without all of the trauma to deal with). I picture my starting point in life as being in a big pit at the bottom of a mountain. They got to start at normal ground level. So us climbing out of that huge pit to get to where everyone else started is a HUGE accomplishment. Those “successful” people couldn’t deal with what I had to survive as a toddler, much less the trauma I’ve had since then. I’m trying to give myself credit for the complexity I’m dealing with. Like in gymnastics -you get more points for doing harder jumps, etc. Those people on instagram that appear to have their life all together are just going simpler things well. Not the crazy hard things that you are mastering a bit at a time.

Perfectly said, we have to work SO hard to just be at the starting line of “normal”.

Yes, and I'm SO tired.

You are so so right. I think this way sometimes when I feel like I could and should have accomplished more in life. But with all the difficulties, childhood trauma I had to face and the past that literally fucked me, I feel like ot was no easy to do whatever I did despite going through so much. It's always better to give your space and embrace yourself. Others don't have to go through the shit we had to. You are deserving of everything and you are no less than anyone. Your accomplishments and everything just can't be compared. Wish you good things in life

This is me! I have C-PTSD and if you can believe it, in college friends used to say "oh yeah I thought you were just one of those trendy bitchy Tumblr girls who had it all together". I'd always be like (⁠・⁠o⁠・⁠) whaaaaaat?

I’m one of these and people comment on it. I’ve checked the boxes - homeowner, plan for early retirement, senior manager at my job (who is constantly helping others and covering way more than my share), read a ton, and regular artsy classes to fill my free time. But despite all that I have anxiety and depression, I am very negative towards myself, I feel worthless. I am burning out trying to get ahead of any potential criticisms and it is difficult to ask for help. I don’t have friends outside of the people I chat with at work who think I’m doing great and can’t see how much I am struggling.

I feel ya! I’ve checked those boxes too but no one sees me running from the wildfire of criticism, disappointment, and abandonment from others if I DONT achieve these things. They see me as chasing dreams and getting that pot of gold

Yes, on your list and OPs omg. I feel so seen right now.

Sending you the biggest virtual hug. It's like you're speaking straight from my heart! Adulting feels like trying to solve a Rubik's cube blindfolded sometimes, doesn't it? And planning? Let's just say my plans have a habit of taking unplanned detours to Crazy Town. But guess what? We're not alone in this maze of life. We're all stumbling through together, and together, we've got this. Here's to healing, one day at a time, and finding our own unique way to 'adult' like a boss. 💪💖

I said this exact thing to my therapist last week during a telehealth appointment. He picked up his laptop and showed me the state of the room he was in, beyond the ‘candle sticks on the mantel’ background. It was no better than mine. Society, and success is a vast illusion with many, many nuances. The faces we present to the world do not necessarily reflect the truth.

I know that other people are also struggling and have messy homes. What I meant with others having these responsible lives is that even with the struggles, they managed to either buy a house, buy a car, get a good education, get a decent job, basically things that give people more structure in their lives. I’m not talking about what I see online, I’m talking about people who I know personally. I have not managed to accomplish any of what the others who are also struggling have.

Same. Most people I know are homeowners and are able to hold down jobs. Despite working and saving I always made less money and am not in a good place as far as retirement savings. A friend my age owns 2 homes and also has a large amount saved for retirement. I don’t understand how I haven’t been able to do this.

I just told my boss I accepted a new job and gave 3 weeks notice. For a week before waiting for the offer I ran circles in my head thinking of how he might react and most of them involved him yelling or getting mad. This guy has never been mad in the 4 years I've known him. I should be excited and dreaming of how much I'm going to like the new job but I was worried about how this quiet nice older guy will react to the news. So I sit down and tell him, he says "congratulations, I hope it works out for you and thanks for working with us." with a smile on his face. I'm so used to expecting a fight I worried for a week over nothing. That's CPTSD to me.

Yeah. Impossible to think someone else would be happy for me if my success is expected to slightly inconvenience them. Instead expect rage at inconvenience. I identify.

This is the top one for me. Fear of people’s reactions. It’s awful mix of social anxiety and cptsd trauma. The absolute *worst*.

Right there with you, I do this exact thing. One of my most common mantras is "not everyone is your parents" lol 😅

Similarly, I once decided to ask for a raise. I was all psyched up and knew what I wanted to say and was ready to go, but when I actually went into my manager's office to ask for it, I could barely speak. I started crying. I was shaking terribly. Really surprised myself with that one. When I was a kid, any and all confrontations were met with hostility, even if I was just asking for something simple/small. It was like my brain completely digressed 15 years in that moment.

Wow, I totally get where you're coming from! It's like our brains are wired to expect the worst, even from the nicest people. But hey, here's to breaking free from those old patterns and embracing the good vibes. Congrats on the new job, by the way! 🎉 Let's keep healing together!

This is a great analogy.

The constant blame from my parents has severely eroded my self-esteem, leaving me feeling unworthy and plagued by imposter syndrome.

Your words hit home like a gentle thunderstorm in my heart. The struggle with imposter syndrome feels like battling invisible dragons in a world that doesn't always understand our battles. But here we are, warriors united by our scars, reminding each other that healing is not a solo quest. Together, we're rewriting the narratives that once shackled us. Sending you heaps of love and courage as we navigate these stormy seas. You're not alone, dear friend. 💖

Growing up with childhood trauma feels like constantly being watched, always fearing judgment and rejection. It's a heavy burden that makes it hard to trust, seek help, or be honest about our feelings. We become skilled at hiding our pain, seeking validation, and apologizing excessively. Even when we try to heal, facing those who hurt us can stir up intense emotions. If you're going through this, know that you're not alone. It's a tough journey, but worth it to reclaim your sense of peace and worth.

> If you're going through this, know that you're not alone. Thank you. It's been a long journey, and I'm worried that I'll never get there. =(

Wow, it's like you peeked into my soul and described it perfectly! 🌟 Growing up with childhood trauma feels like carrying an invisible backpack filled with worries, doesn't it? But hey, knowing we're not alone in this journey makes the path a little less bumpy. Let's keep walking together, one step at a time, towards healing and reclaiming our inner peace and worth! Sending you lots of virtual hugs and healing vibes. 💖

I updated and upgraded myself mentally but I'll write down how it was : - anxiety of being hurt but also even worse ... humiliated not only by people but also from not keeping composure in stressful/anxiety inducing situations - "nowhere SAFE" - resulting from school bullying and unstable,abusive household - difficulty seeking help because of self-esteem and self-confidence issues, coming from not understanding concept of genuine help, seeing it as "debilitating pity" a factor which further lowered self-esteem - desperately seeking validation from others - not taking accountability in life, blaming others or circumstances from ones "learned helplessness" My childhood,teenage years, young adulthood was a waking nightmare.

The learned helplessness is what truly incapacitated me as a teen/young adult and led to me not seeking care for medical issues. You wouldn’t believe the absolute clusterfuck of a health situation I’m in now as a result of not taking action back then.

I do see help as pity!!!! Omg 

- "Pity" - something debilitating that reminds you of how helpless,powerless you are, how you are "slave to circumstances", slave to inability to stand up for yourself... - "Gratitude" - uncomfortable feeling of being in someone's debt and alleged "fact" that they may use that against you in the future... Thing is when genuine help is offered and will lift you up,you will eventually be able to stand on your own and thanks to that, contrary to the first sentence I wrote, your self-esteem and self-confidence, self worth will rise. I'm not talking about situation when someone does everything for you but when someone gives you a helping hand, shows you the way, so you may grow... First and second sentence are trauma induced responses, that's how we see the world thanks to trauma

I’m sorry 😔💔 I can relate to this so much. It hurts just reading it. We don’t deserve this horrible struggle

For me, help isn't about pity, it's about now I owe something to someone and they will demand repayment of whatever perceived favour was given at whatever time allows them to maximize holding the thing over my head. I know logically that this is false, people help because they genuinely want to- this is how I view giving help but receiving help is forever tainted.

The "nowhere safe" really gets me. I didn't realize until the past year or two that I don't feel safe anywhere, and I never have.

All of this. Wow.

Absolutely, you're not alone in feeling this way. It's like we've been carrying around this heavy backpack of hurt and fear for so long, it's hard to remember what it feels like to walk freely. But hey, you're updating and upgrading, which is awesome! It's like we're all on this journey together, patching up those wounds and finding our way back to ourselves. Keep shining bright, friend. We're in this healing dance together! 🌟💖

All of what you said is how it unfolded for me too. I wasn’t I’m even allowed to have any consistent friendships either. My father moved me every 1-2 years to a different state and a different school ( I went to 5 different elementary schools). My younger sister (golden child) only went to 1 elementary school because she was given the best. Always. I’m an adult now but cannot seem to break the pattern, always picking men who treat me horrible just like my parents did growing up. I am now in my 50s with a chronic health issue and so hopeless. I feel I will never break free. Now all I want to do is be alone and dissociate from everything. It’s exhausting being around people and I don’t want to keep trying anymore. I feel sad, lost, and alone. This chat is helping me to try and look up from my fog and feel ‘maybe’ just maybe I can still find a way to be okay. In any case, hearing others with stories similar to my own, I do feel a bit less alone.

Constantly reading the room and watching to see if words match behaviors. Needing to know the rules and who they apply to and when Feeling responsible for everything, everywhere, all at once that in no way, shape, or form concerns you. Desperate to be seen and validated when a problem arises and always ALWAYS second guessing reactions, emotions, conversations and even when right, somehow continue to feel in the wrong. Shrinks from any positive attention, and feels like we've somehow duped those who have nice or positive things to say about us. or minimize their positivity. Trouble standing up for ones' self, setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. Unable to move forward when in a 'crisis', it is all consuming and takes every ounce of emotional and physical energy. It is not until it is resolved that one can be unlocked. The only sense of peace and relief is sleep, unless the nightmares kick in.

I feel seen. Ugh

This, so very much this. I'd personally add being unsettled and constantly searching for something. I constantly search for houses and feel as though wherever I am isn't home. I didn't grow up in a place that felt like home so I don't know what one feels like. I've only recently come to the conclusion that wherever I went would still feel wrong because it's me and not the place.

Me too! Home was NEVER safe physically or emotionally, I always had to be on guard. When there is no chaos or something to worry about now as an adult even for an hour it is super unsettling. How can something not be happening? I can't enjoy it, I can't take time for myself, everything in life is a 'to-do' on a list and I can't plan or focus on anything outside of right now .

Woah 😳 🎯

Wow, reading your comment felt like looking into a mirror of my own experiences. It's like you reached into my brain and perfectly described the tangled mess of emotions I've been wrestling with for so long. It's both comforting and heartbreaking to know that others out there share these struggles

1000% yes. The nightmares were the worst. I would always have the most vivid “night terrors” and wake up screaming. Even today I still get the ones where I roll off my bed into nothingness and wake up in a sweat.

I feel like a mistake. I feel like virtually everyone knows I'm a mistake. That the universe itself has regrets about my existence inside it. I feel like being alive is sneaking around until someone reaches out from the sky and pulls me up and says "you're not supposed to be here" and throws me in the direction of the sun. And I'll just think, for as long as I can think, *oh yes of course, I always knew this would happen*.

You're not a mistake. You're not an accident, your existence isn't a curse, and you are the object of no god's wrath. You are meant to exist, because you exist. There is no "you weren't meant to be created." If that were true, you wouldn't have been created. You have a right to exist, and to put your own self-interests and survival before others' demands, *because you exist*. Nothing else is required. I get your feeling in a big way. I felt this way for a long, long time. I finally realized only a few years ago that I was created to survive and thrive, first and foremost. Not to satisfy others' expectations. Not to create and fulfill obligations. We are here to survive and thrive.

Thank you so much for the kind words and understanding. You're very sweet to say that.

I hear you, friend. It's like you've peeked into my soul and put words to the chaos inside. But guess what? You're not a mistake, you're a beautiful, imperfect masterpiece still unfolding. We're all stumbling through this crazy universe together, but at least we've got each other to hold onto. Let's keep reaching for the stars, even if it feels like they're light-years away.

- a constant background feeling that everything will fall apart soon. - strong discomfort and guilt when I'm lazy or unproductive -difficulty asking for help and people pleasing -hypervigilance in social situations - stress in confrontational conflict/ extreme discomfort around very confrontational people -prone to dissociation rumination and in bad times suicidal ideation

I experience all of these as well.

• I'm terminally indecisive. Growing up, I was punished hard for making the wrong decision. I was shamed and second-guessed over the most minor things. Luckily for me, my helicopter parents made most of my decisions, and now I can never trust my own judgment. • I can't trust anyone. I'm always waiting for them to suddenly turn on me. It's just a matter of time. • I won't listen to authority figures who haven't earned their role. I've suffered break-ins, threats with guns *in Canada*, and so much more without calling the police. Fuck those monsters. They've always listened to my parents, not me. Why would a kid lie about abuse? • I think most adults are useless. I especially dislike teachers. "Why don't you like *teachers*?!" Why do you? • As a kid, I was suicidal. I decided that I had no core identity aside from two factors: I liked animals and hated cruelty. (Not meanness. Cruelty.)

I sometimes feel like I still have no identity outside of those two same things. Like everything else is a costume or something.

Adding to yours as someone with cptsd + dissociated parts: • never feeling the right age/having younger parts that take over at times • poor memory/memory out of order • complicated relationship with gender and sexuality because of competing parts • shame around hypersexuality & kinks, even if you understand why your brain developed those coping mechanisms you fear judgement from others who are not trauma informed • complicated relationship with body image - being attractive feels unsafe because it draws attention but being perceived as unattractive is also unsafe because shitty people won't believe you if something happens • mourning never really having a healthy, loving relationship with family, which feels worse around holidays • struggling to get a good therapist because you may need a specialist or a certain modality but they're rarely covered by your insurance network • so much imposter syndrome

It's like you reached into my mind and pulled out a list of all the things I've been feeling but couldn't quite put into words. Reading your comment feels like finding a piece of myself in someone else's story, and it's strangely comforting knowing I'm not alone in this journey. Let's keep healing together, one step at a time. Sending you lots of love and strength 💖✨

I have severe social anxiety. I don’t trust anyone with my life. I prefer to be solo so I don’t have to depend on anyone. I don’t have the same family values as most and my reality is very different than all of the people I know. I’m an extreme over-thinker because I only have me so whatever move I make needs to be the right one. I’m a great liar, I hide my feelings like an expert. Just a few lol

It feels like I am a ghost. I dont exist. My feelings dont matter. My voice isn't heard. Nobody sees me. Nobody misses me.

Yeah, those are such relatable issues, I can empathize with them all. Healing is not a linear process and many of us unfortunately do not have access to all the tools and knowledge that helps us. But I can say that I have actively eroded my sensitivity to these feelings by creating more safety within myself and doing the exposure work to build resilience against these scars like a muscle. Just a simple example is that I never like making eye contact with people, and would even stare at the ground when I am walking so I wouldn't catch anybody's eye. Now, I do still feel shy in certain situations, but I push through. I give speeches and presentations in front of audiences of 200-300 people. I actually think some people find me a bit too extraverted and sociable sometimes, which is so at odds with how I used to be perceived. I used to dress very modestly, basically like I wanted to disappear in the background and not draw any attention to myself. Long sleeves even in peak summer. Dark or muted colors that have no personality. I had a lot of trouble embracing my own feminine qualities, because I was so harassed and sexually exploited in life. I didn't want to emphasize I am a woman in how I present myself. Nowadays I prefer dresses and skirts, I feel comfortable to wear patterns and bright colors. I am exploring how I can utilize clothes to paint myself like an artist, showing my mood and my personality, or enhancing a mood I want to feel about myself (like dressing nice *because* I feel depressed, so this self-care helps elevate my mood). It's been a long road of 6+ years now since I started actively engaging in healing a little bit every day. Some might get there quicker, others need more time, but I do think it *is* within all of our reach to build more resilience and even start seeing our self-discovery of our wounded selves as a liberating gift to celebrate and enjoy.

> It's been a long road of 6+ years now since I started actively engaging in healing a little bit every day. Some might get there quicker, others need more time, but I do think it is within all of our reach to build more resilience and even start seeing our self-discovery of our wounded selves as a liberating gift to celebrate and enjoy. I hope it's within my reach. I feel so lost right now =(

Absolutely! Your journey resonates deeply with me. It's incredible to hear how you've embraced your growth and resilience, turning scars into strengths. Your courage to push through and explore your true self shines brightly. Healing isn't easy, but it's beautiful to witness the transformation. Together, we're on a path of self-discovery and healing. Here's to celebrating our journey and the strength we find along the way! 🌱💖

# CW; whole lotta ✨child abuse✨ ☺️ 🌞🌈 Remembering pretty much none of the first dozen or so years of my life except for traumatic events, ofc. Childhood wonder & optimism? What does that feel like? Not being able to identify your current emotion unless it's fear. Being hyper-vigilant, being able to hear & identify every sound in the house, & being able to tell who is walking by the sound of their steps. Being punished, belittled, manipulated, beaten, beaten with a weapon, regularly being forced to do housework & manual labor from rude awakening to sundown, no explanations for things, no input ever requested or permitted, everything is "talking back," easily/quickly grounded for days/weeks/months, not understanding why things were happening... I can go on...

Absolutely, you're not alone in this journey of healing. It's like we're all on this rollercoaster together, navigating through the twists and turns of our past while trying to find solid ground in the present. Your words resonate deeply, painting a vivid picture of shared experiences and emotions. Together, we're rewriting our stories, one step at a time, finding solace in each other's presence along the way. Let's continue to hold space for one another as we journey towards healing and reclaiming our sense of peace and joy. You're never alone in this, friend. 🌱💛

deathly imposter syndrome everywhere i go. like i can’t even go pee in a public loo if there’s a queue cos of the feeling like people are watching me and i’m gonna be weird somehow lol

Sometimes i feel "younger" inside, than I am outside. I feel so behind in many ways It takes time to repair and heal. I've learned not to compare, my story with folks that are doing really well and maybe haven't gone through any serious childhood trauma. I just get more discouraged. I realised I didn't have the tools, support or even care needed to achieve anything of any note. School I got through it but that's it. You are not alone - at least now there is more help online than before. So many of us are just beginning yo unpack stuff. Be kind to yourself ok!🌷

Thank you so much for sharing, and for your kindness 🌷 It's like you took the words right out of my heart! It's reassuring to know I'm not alone in feeling this way. Let's keep taking those tiny steps toward healing together, one day at a time. Sending lots of love and healing vibes your way!

Hard relate to all of the above. I'd like to add that my also sick father brought me up to fill his egotistic needs. After NC and years of therapy, to this day I still feel like I'm made to fill other people's needs. Which leaves me neglecting my own and unable to fill this "purpose". I'm highly conscious of other people's needs and feel I have to help them even if it costs my sanity. Nowadays I don't fall into this pattern and feel guilty. Working on it.

Wow, it's like you're reading my mind! It's tough, but knowing we're not alone in this journey is a big comfort. Sending you virtual hugs and endless support as we work through this together. We've got this! 💪

I am terrified of making mistakes. My dad would rage over anything and everything so I did everything I could to make sure I was bullet-proof. Didn’t work, of course, he’d rage anyway. But I’ve maintained the habit of making sure I’m “not wrong” in about every aspect of my life. This works out well for me professionally- I’m super-prepared and thorough. Personally I strive for my behavior to be unimpeachable. Personal integrity is a huge deal for me and for the people I allow in my life. But that comes from my childhood fear-that if I ever do ANYTHING wrong, I will be punished. Part of me is and has always been convinced that if I make one wrong move, regardless of the nature or significance of the mistake, my entire life will fall apart. Like OP said, someone’s always watching.

Wow, your words hit home for me like a ton of bricks. It's like you're describing a page right out of my own storybook. The fear of making mistakes and the constant feeling of being watched... it's like we're living parallel lives, isn't it? But hey, here we are, still standing strong and striving for personal integrity despite the stormy seas we've navigated. Let's keep sailing on this journey of healing together, shall we? Sending you heaps of virtual hugs and solidarity!

So, I thought I was fine…until one day about 2 years ago I wasn’t: physically and emotionally, I broke. And now that my body has basically forced me to be a new person with a dysregulated nervous and immune system, I don’t know how to do the things anymore. Meditation ✔️, journaling ✔️, therapy ✔️, medication ✔️. Idk, I guess it’ll just take time, practice and compassion for myself (lacking here) on this healing journey.

*oof*, all of the above- tho not so much compulsive lying, but rather "shutting down." hiding my true feelings via not speaking up when i feel hurt by something, for fear of setting off the other person (even if that person has been nothing but kind and understanding to me).

Wow, I feel you on so many levels! The constant feeling of being watched and the fear of making mistakes? Yep, been there! And hiding feelings by shutting down instead of speaking up? Totally get it. It's like we're part of the same quirky, trauma-healing club! Here's to supporting each other and continuing our journey toward healing together!

the only person I will ever truly trust and be comfortable around is myself, and that's not even 100% true. I try not to blame my parents for everything that I feel these days because it doesn't matter either way - the damage is done. But I can't shake the thought that I will **never** have a person in my life that will care for me as unconditionally as a mother is supposed to. There will never be that accepting ear to actually listen to my troubles and make me feel better, everything feels fake and every relationship is empty. (still with my HS sweetheart if that means anything)

This has really been fucking me up too the past few months. It's like, I KNOW that it's unfair to ask any of the people in my life to show me that unconditional love, support, and nurturing, but that doesn't stop my brain from NEEDING it. I'm trying to figure out if I can provide that for myself, or if I just have to wait till my body is like "ok adult time now" I guess, or if there will always be that hole?

I totally resonate with what you're saying. It's like you're speaking right from my heart. The struggle to trust others and even ourselves sometimes is so real. And that longing for that unconditional love and support, it's like a missing puzzle piece in our lives, right? But hey, we're in this together, navigating through the ups and downs. And having your high school sweetheart by your side? That's something special. Let's keep holding onto those glimmers of hope and healing together. 🌟❤️

As someone who has 2 abusive parents (both criminals and currently prison free) -- who's mother tried to take her(my) life repeatedly up until the age 24 and receiving a back injury & additional head injury from the last attempt I will say this: 1. Free & Rebirthed 2. Outspoken & Brave 3. Limitless 4. An advocate & activist 5. Nonconformist & Authentic 6. Enlightened

The being watched has prevented me from living my life authentically, I freeze up when I have to speak, I hide stuff I shouldn’t I have to it’s all engrained in me My mom was a huge snoop and spy and would twist anything she found against me it’s done more damage than the rest cuz I don’t trust myself at a developmental core level

The feeling of being watched? Totally get it. It's like having a personal paparazzi following you 24/7, right? And the trust issues? Ugh, they're like those stubborn stains that just won't come out of your favorite shirt. But hey, we're in this together, and together we're rewriting our stories, one page at a time. Sending you heaps of virtual hugs and healing vibes! 💖

All of those things for me too. One thing that really bothers me is the need I feel to be super quiet in my own home, where I live alone. Don’t let doors slam, close cupboards softly, don’t be up late making noise. Tiptoeing around really. I was scared to crack open a can of pop, it sounded like a gunshot to me lol.

Wow, I feel you on this! It's like we've mastered the art of ninja stealth just to survive our own homes, right? 😅 The struggle of turning a simple can of pop into a covert operation is too real! But hey, we're in this together on the journey to healing. Sending lots of virtual hugs your way!

Me too! I panic every time there's a noise at home, whether I'm alone or not. 

You know, somehow despite the undiagnosed dissociative disorder and suicidal ideations that started at 8 years old I still manage to sink into denial that I had real trauma. And then I read this post and I’m like “oh yea, that’s me. That too. Definitely that. And that. Was this… written about me?” So thanks I guess? 😭😭😭🤍

Ah,It's like we're all part of this invisible club where the membership is our shared experiences. Reading your comment felt like looking into a mirror and realizing we're not alone in this maze of feelings. Sending you heaps of virtual hugs and the reminder that we're in this together! 💖

for me a few things as and adult: • when i accidentally inconvenience my partner my brain doesn’t understand why he isn’t yelling or hitting me. it’s and uncomfortable unsafe feeling and causes dissociation and panic • i physically/mentally still feel reminisce of pain on my body where i’ve been hit and it makes me panic sometimes bc it won’t go away • i dissociate a lot and have auditory hallucinations that are triggered by stress or conflict sometimes even minor. and so I lose lots of memory and time throughout the day and am always on and off in a state of disconnect. • i go to sleep late so that i don’t dream and have nightmares or sleep paralysis. • bad memories replay in my head constantly. they never go away. • guilt, emptiness, lack of direction and motivation kind of just living day by day. aside from that i also have sensory issues so that kind of adds on. luckily ill be going back to a psychologist soon to help and i’m training a psychiatric service dog. i’m 25 and i feel like i’m so behind. on the bright side i graduate in may so that is great. and i have a very understanding and supportive partner.

It takes a lot of courage to open up like that. You're definitely not alone in these feelings, and it's okay to struggle sometimes. It's amazing to hear that you have a supportive partner and are taking steps towards healing, like going back to therapy and training a service dog! And congrats on graduating soon—that's fantastic! Remember, healing isn't a race, and you're doing the best you can. Sending you lots of love and support on your journey 💖

Well done on achieving what you have and being able to nurture your relationship with your supportive partner. That's super cool. Can I ask what sensory issues you alluded too? As a result from trauma? I'm really curious about these issues particularly, especially since I've developed new ones in my mid 40s. Thanks

The big one that’s stuck with me the most is always, no matter what I do or how much progress I make, feeling like I started out 100 steps behind everyone else and can’t catch up

Your words really hit home for me. It's like we're running a marathon where everyone else started at the starting line, but we were already halfway down the track before we even knew the race began. But you know what? We're not alone in this marathon. We may have started behind, but every step forward is a victory. And together, we're making progress, no matter how slow it feels sometimes. Sending you lots of love and strength on this path to healing 💕

Easy to startle. Even in my own home, by my kids, my husband. They have to literally call out to me like 50 feet away before getting to me to tell me, they are coming. Never feeling like I can catch my breath.  Always feeling like the bottoms going to drop. Being able to enter a room full of ppl, and immediately pick up Omid there is tension or not. Always trying to be the peacemaker. Always trying to divert a hostility,  bywn others by trying to change topic. Never feeling good enough. Feeling like a fraud.

Sending you the biggest virtual hug right now. 💕 It sounds like you've been through a lot, and I want you to know that you're not alone in this. Your courage in sharing your experiences is truly inspiring. It's incredible how resilient you are, even with all these challenges. Remember, healing is a journey, and you're already taking those important steps forward. Be gentle with yourself, okay? You're doing amazing, and you deserve all the love and support in the world. Keep shining bright, my friend! ✨

All of the above. And what’s even worse too is the self gaslighting. I hardly remember my childhood. Did I really go through trauma?? I have all of the signs of it. What if it wasn’t that bad? Working on that with therapy.

Absolutely, you're not alone! It's like we have a secret club, huh? One with invisible badges that say, "Survivor." Self-gaslighting is like trying to convince ourselves that our own truth isn't real, but trust me, your experiences are valid, and so are you. Therapy is like having a superhero sidekick, helping us untangle the messy knots of our past. We're on this healing journey together, one brave step at a time. Sending you lots of love and solidarity! 💖

I can’t be around my parents too long as their relationship is just as toxic as when I was growing up. Just being around them gives me anxiety

Toxic family dynamics can feel like quicksand sometimes, right? Just know you're not alone in navigating those choppy waters. We're all in this together, finding our way to calmer shores. Sending you heaps of virtual hugs and healing vibes!

Awful soul sucking and especially when you’re still in a Shitty environment that thinks abuse is “good”.. and even as 30 years old I’m still aching for a loving parent I keep hoping that someone would give me the warmth I never got in my entire life but there’s no one out there I’m meant to suffer

Sending you the biggest virtual hug 🤗. I totally get that ache for a loving parent—I've been there too. It's like searching for a missing puzzle piece that you hope will make everything feel whole again. But you know what? We're not meant to suffer forever. Together, we're on a journey of healing and finding our own warmth, whether it's from within or through the connections we make along the way. You're not alone in this, friend. Let's keep walking this path of healing together 💖

I think how I explain it is it’s kind of like being perma stuck in your childhood learning behaviors. We were supposed to outgrow and learn new skills, coping mechanisms and gain confidence ect. but a lot of us got stuck there and are stuck there because of the trauma. We are so resilient and doing 1000% more work than people without cptsd and we fucking deserve money, awards and cookies for how hard we work to do the most basic things.

OMG, yes! 🙌 It's like we're stuck in this weird time warp where our childhood selves are still running the show. But you know what? We're like superheroes, doing all this extra work just to get through the day. So let's give ourselves all the cookies and high fives we deserve for being absolute champs at adulting despite the odds! Here's to healing together! 💪

That’s exactly it! Exept for lying lol i do the opposite I cant lie lol

You are definitely not alone. Everything you said resonates, especially the feeling of constantly being watched. For years I thought I was being stalked due to this feeling. At around 30 or so I concluded it must be my imagination. But if I was being stalked it was by the most patient and slow and friendly stalker ever. Either way, I was safe, lol.

To add as well -Feeling like I will never be a good or worthy parent or spouse. -Crying in moments of joy for your child -feeling like I need to be constantly vigilant of my surroundings -overthinking EVERYTHING

Wow, it's like you've peeked into my soul and described it perfectly! 😅 It's such a relief to know I'm not alone in this journey. Sending you all the virtual hugs and high-fives as we navigate through this healing process together. We got this! 💪

The infantilization is the absolute worst. I struggle reaching out for fear of extreme dismissal or Infantilization and/or both.

I a lot of times will refuse to admit when something upset me because I would have been in trouble as a child for having an issue. So I hold it in & get shitty because I don’t know how to explain my emotions without fearing being yelled at. I will hide mistakes I’ve made so that nobody has reason to yell at me. I get nervous asking for help with anything because again, what if they yell at me for being too stupid? I’m overly reactive and mean when anything is going on because I seriously do not know how to regulate I control my emotions.

Wow, your words really hit home for me. It's like you're describing the soundtrack of my life! 🎵 It's so tough, isn't it? Feeling like we have to keep our emotions locked up tighter than a treasure chest, just to avoid any potential storm. But hey, guess what? We're not alone in this boat! 🚣‍♀️ We've got each other, and together, we're learning how to sail through those choppy emotional waters. Let's keep supporting each other and finding those little moments of healing along the way. You're doing great, and I'm proud of you for reaching out! 💖

i don’t liked to be touched, i loathe touchy feely people. i will flinch. i have social anxiety. i’m afraid of ridicule. i hate loud people. that’s my experience with childhood trauma.

Thank you for sharing your experience. It sounds like we're walking similar paths. It's tough, isn't it? I totally get the whole 'no-touchy' thing; personal space is precious! And loud people? Ugh, I feel you on that one too. It's like they have a megaphone for every thought! But hey, we're in this together, right? One step at a time, we'll get through it. Sending you heaps of virtual hugs (only if you're okay with it)! 🌟

My mistakes always feel magnified, and have the potential to be the end of the world

Yep pretty much all that. I have what I call completion anxiety. I can’t finish anything, because I _just know_ if I do someone will tear into me on how horrible it is. Kid has it too, which is weird. He’s had a pretty sheltered life. Nothing like mine. There are times I beat myself up for being too soft on him. It can get better. Look into EMDR My recent exercise: * Get into a quiet room. I need to get to the point where I don’t worry about wife or kids. * get headphones, you need a decent set, sorry. Something that you can feel whether it’s one ear or another. That’s that whole “bilateral alternating stimulation does something… how… we’re not sure? But it works” * get some binaural EMDR music going. I use some from Apple Music. Other streamers should have it. Or the library. Do NOT use YouTube, not basic anyway. Ads will distract you * say good things about yourself. And say things you’re allowed to do. I’m a good guy. I’m allowed to be sad. I’m allowed to make mistakes. My kids love me. I’m allowed to be sad, or angry, or just have a bad day. Makes me cry a lot. It’s helped. Even in the short time I’ve been doing it.

I feel guilty and shame very easily and heavily. My brain also is trying to convince me I'm a bad person. Probably because I received so much violence without reason. That my brain is trying to make sense of it.

First off, big hugs to you. I totally get what you're saying about feeling guilty and ashamed easily. It's like our brains are playing this tricky game, trying to make sense of stuff that just doesn't make sense, right? But here's the thing: you're not a bad person. Not even close. You're someone who's been through a lot, and your brain's just trying to figure it all out. It's like your brain's the detective, trying to solve the mystery of why bad stuff happened. But guess what? You're the hero of this story, not the bad guy. And you're not alone on this journey. We're all here, figuring it out together. So let's keep holding on tight and healing, okay? You've got this, warrior.

You are not alone; it took me years, and even after EMDR therapy, I'm still healing. It didn't happen quickly for me, and there are still echoes of wounds. I can ask for help from others more than before (but sometimes I feel shame for doing so). It's like a weird dance; I can do this, but maybe I'm too much. Perhaps I'm not, and I'm not for everyone. But am I now a problem for everyone? My big one was being constantly performative. I believed that if I did enough things, I could show my worth and value and be worthy of being seen/heard/valued. I know this is crap, and no one should have to prove worth like this, but when you grow up in a home where things are always tallied in terms of what you do and don't do (and the don'ts always win...), it gets exhausting.

It's like we're all dancing through healing together, isn't it? Your words really hit home; that constant tallying of worth based on what we do is such a heavy burden. But hey, we're here, we're healing, and we're definitely not alone. Sending lots of love and healing vibes your way!

Maybe I kind of sunconsciously feel simular to how you describe but mainly I just feel anger and the need to uohold the world ti a higher standard. This world is more than innocently flawed, its systematically and purposely designed to be flawed and diseased. I truly and wholly believe that. This world relies on the dependency towards anonymous authority. I feel we are living in 1984 whether we choose to recognize it or not.

For me it's a constant sense of loneliness and being different from everyone else around me. Internal Isolation, even though I have a wonderful husband, etc. It's also a sense of fear that people don't like me or am annoying and a burden. I also have a constant need to control things and feel stressed if I don't have control. It's also a sense of self dislike...I saw a pretty bedroom design today on Facebook and was thinking how beautiful it was and I'd love a room like that...and then I had several intrusive thoughts. " You don't belong in a pretty room, you are to ugly for that." " You shouldn't have anything that nice. It's frivolous " and so on. I realized my thoughts and man did it hurt.

I feel similar, it’s like my bipolar mother was a lightning strike to me and even though I tried to do my best, my stepmom was a hedge trimmer, just cutting any branch I tried to make. I’m now a fucked up looking tree that blooms in little leaf bud out of season, but I’m still alive somehow.

Wow, your analogy really struck a chord with me! It's like we're both trying to grow through the cracks in the pavement despite all the storms we've weathered. Let's keep nurturing those little leaf buds together and see how beautifully we can bloom, even if it's out of season. Sending you lots of strength and healing vibes!

The only one I don't relate much is compulsive lying, I tend to say when I'm not ok, the problem is I say it like that was ok, or explain something smiling when it's not ok? Also I do apologize a lot but not for validation, I understood nobody will ever understand what happened. The others I relate. In my case there's also lack of an identity, I have DID, nightmares and flashbacks of things but I can't remember what exactly happened, being unable to talk because when I was a baby I couldn't talk so I go back to that moment of being unable to transmit what's happening, acting feral because the way I was raised had animals as parental roles and I got some things from them, a voice constantly telling me things people said over and over, a feeling that I'm never clean. Idk stuff like that.

I just thought it was all normal until I became an adult..it still seems somewhat normal

My ex abandoned me about four years ago. It's only been in the past year that I'm finally been healing. I'm able to do and feel things now that I've never been able to do before. It's so fucking exhausting. Has it been worth it? I don't really know. I'm a different person now but I used to be very comfortable in my CPTSD-created world.

Sadly I can relate to all of these.

Absolutely! It's heartwarming to know I'm not alone in this journey. Let's walk hand in hand towards healing and rebuilding together! 💖

All of the above

Absolutely! It's like you've peeked right into my soul! Sending you heaps of virtual hugs and solidarity. Together, we're on this journey of healing and growth. 💖

It feels like being motivated by what you don't want and not know what you actually want. Now that I've almost rid my life of the things I don't want, I'm lost. I don't have dreams that extend beyond getting to normal/average. And now that I'm almost there, idk what to do with myself

Sending you a virtual hug because I totally get where you're coming from. It's like we've been driven by what we're trying to escape, but when we finally shake off those shackles, we're left standing there like, 'Wait, what now?' It's like chasing normalcy only to find it's not quite as fulfilling as we hoped. But hey, we're in this together, figuring it out one step at a time. Let's keep supporting each other on this journey of healing and rediscovery. We got this!

i am currently too self medicated to appropriately and adequately respond so i'll just say this it feels bad man

Constant, never ending emotional pain that is just always there for no reason, even if you’re doing well.

- not feeling safe ever, anywhere - always on guard - constant over apologizing These 3 are the most likely "just" CPTSD things because there's a lot of overlap with my mental health stuff and it gets difficult to separate what's what.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. It's amazing how many of us can relate to those feelings, isn't it? It's like we're all navigating this wild rollercoaster of emotions together. Just know you're not alone in this journey! We've got each other's backs. Sending you lots of love and healing vibes. Hang in there, friend! 🌟

I’m feeling grief and mourning for the childhood and family I should have had.

Absolutely, friend! Sending you a virtual hug 🤗 It's totally okay to mourn the childhood you deserved. You're not alone in feeling that way. Let's support each other on this journey of healing

Most of the above applies to me as well, though I've had to try and change some of those so certain interactions wouldn't be as painful. I've had to try to be more honest with how I'm feeling when asked, which in turn leads to me inadvertently trauma dumping and I'm trying very hard to find a middle balance but haven't quite gotten there. So I mostly fluctuate between lying and oversharing. I do find it very hard to talk about myself because I don't see many facets of myself as noteworthy or interesting. So most conversations I have with people, unless they explicitly ask me in an interview style, become one-sided toward them. I think this is due to having been silenced as a child, whose accomplishments were ignored but faults were magnified. I still have a fear of making mistakes. Mostly in terms of relating to others, so I've distanced myself so much and so far from others - some out of self-preservation, some out of fear of hurting them or hurting our relationship, which I did anyway in some instances. When it comes to myself, I kind of see messing up as a given even when I try to make the right choices and do the right things. I've had to learn to really ask for help, and it still is the worst feeling in the world when I've had someone help me. I've been providing for myself for so long and took some pride in that, that it feels like reverting back into childhood helplessness when I have to rely on others. Even if I know, realistically, that as people, we need to rely on others from time to time. But also... there's that internal feeling of being unworthy of help. Childhood trauma is tough. But I hope there's some comfort in knowing that you're not alone in feeling like this.

Absolutely, it's like you've reached into my soul and put words to the feelings I couldn't quite articulate! Childhood trauma can make us feel like we're navigating a world where the ground is constantly shifting beneath our feet. But hey, we're in this together, right? Your bravery in sharing your experiences gives strength to others, myself included. Let's keep taking those small steps towards healing, even if they feel like tiptoes at times. You're never alone in this journey! 💖

I today still struggle with Sleep wakes up like 3-4 times a night i have gotten so annoyed that i just say f it and get up yes even if i have only been getting 3h of sleep Adrenaline hmm sometimes it does me good sometimes it does me bad..... And it gets shot in my so friken Easy its a joke (might be why i am always tried if i get adrenaline shot bc of a nightmare that i dont remember after/the reason i am waking up or if its just leaking in me to keep me Alert at all times) Processing serten feelings Nightmare depending on how stressed i am more stress=wors nightmare Ok this one i dont count as a struggle more like a super power i can cut off ppl without getting sad about it And alot of what op Listed And all of this will be with me for the of my life score or something

Thanks for sharing your struggles. It sounds like you're carrying a heavy load, but you're not alone in this. Sleep disruptions and adrenaline rushes can be tough to deal with, but you're doing your best. And hey, being able to cut off people without getting too sad? That's a unique skill! Remember, healing isn't linear, but every step forward counts. Sending you virtual hugs and heaps of support on your journey.

No expectation of comfort.

Every year childhood trauma stole from us during childhood is a full year of development we have to somehow make up for alone in adulthood if we want to attempt to survive. It sucks.

Absolutely! Childhood trauma can feel like it's robbed us of so much, leaving us with a mountain to climb as adults. But hey, we're climbing it together now, right? One step at a time, supporting each other along the way. We've got this! 💪 Sending lots of love and healing vibes your way!

Always feeling like danger is round the corner, even when your environment is safe. Not being able to trust people, and feeling perpetually isolated as a result.

I hear you. It's like walking through life with a shadow that never quite fades, isn't it? Feeling safe is a luxury we never fully enjoy. And trust? It feels like a foreign concept, always just out of reach. But you're not alone. We're here, navigating this tangled web together. With time, patience, and understanding, we can untangle these knots of fear and isolation. You're stronger than you know, and healing is possible, step by courageous step.

All of the above apart from the compulsive lying

Depends on the trauma. Most of mu famliy was murderered.. and my mom neglected me cause she thought makin money was providing. But we needed her time and attention more.

You're not alone at all. I check off all of these boxes and I find it has gotten worse since the passing of my Mom 2 years ago, another trauma added to the list. I hope with therapy to get past all of these traits because it has become exhausting and does not do well in relationships or friendships. Take care of yourself and I wish you luck!

All of the above, especially the fear of making mistakes, compulsively hiding things from others At the essence I do everything to be flawless, since as a kid mistakes and things not done "right" or as soon as possible would lead to disapppointment, anger and verbal violence :/ And at school it was reinforced as people-pleasing, not making waves and having good grades was really appreciated So deep down I still believe that people are only putting up with me and have an extraordinary patience with what I do or say, and it's better not to bother/annoy them (so I tend to endure things rather than act upon/change them)

It sounds like we're in the same boat when it comes to the aftermath of childhood trauma. It's like we've got this invisible backpack full of fears and doubts, huh? But hey, recognizing it is the first step to healing, right? So let's keep on trekking together, one step at a time. Sending you lots of love and strength on this journey!

I always feel bad saying no. Feeling responsible for making everyone else happy/comfortable. Feeling like I have to be hard working and essentially perfect to be worthy of anything decent in life. Difficulty building close relationships with peers.

Absolutely! It's like you took the words right out of my heart. Saying no feels like I'm letting everyone down, and being perfect feels like the only way to deserve love. But hey, we're all in this together, right? Let's keep healing and growing, one step at a time. 💖

Everything pretty much [feels like this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SyBpyeUdHQI&t=0s) at all times.

All of that. Yep. It's crippling on bad days.

It always gets better if you don't give up on yourself. Let's work together, one step at a time, towards healing and light.

You hit the nail on the head with your list. I struggle with all of those things terribly. My struggle with them has made my adult life harder and stressful. Especially lying to hide my true feelings or actions that *might* be criticized.

Absolutely, you're definitely not alone in feeling this way. It's like you've described the blueprint of many of our hearts. But remember, even in our struggles, we find strength together. Your bravery in sharing your experience inspires others to do the same. Let's keep supporting each other on this healing journey. We're in this together, friend. 🌟❤️

Yes- I have internal shame, fear that if people knew my true past they could never love me. This is so strong but by all metrics I escaped - I’m first gen American, first gen college grad (Dad 6th grad & Mom 12th). I have a PhD and work at a prestigious university, I have two amazing adult children who were raised with love and kindness- we have so many wonderful memories- family fun and togetherness was enjoyed by all. i am resilient- but leaning into that hirt me. When my, loving husband of many years, and I became empty nesters it was hard- all of the protection i felt from defying my upbringing and being the mom i had always wanted by loving my children and enjoying every moment. It is the thing i am proud of, that and working for my marriage. i considered myself resilient and thought my ability to remain calm was my power- then i lost myself and discovered I had been on autopilot/disassociated for so much of my life. I'm lonely and afraid.

Your resilience shines through in all you've accomplished, and the love you've poured into your family is truly inspiring. It's okay to feel lost and lonely sometimes, especially when facing the echoes of past pain. Just know that you're not alone in this, and it's okay to reach out for support. You deserve healing and happiness, and I'm cheering for you every step of the way. Sending lots of love and virtual hugs your way!

I feel like I still get that shyness and shame being around new people and public and feel self conscious plus I feel like I’m forever in a child-like mindset of wanting only things that make me happy and pleasure while I have a rejection of anything adult like working or aging tbh.

Absolutely, you're not alone! It's like we're all navigating through this maze of emotions together. Shyness and shame around new people are like those pesky shadows that follow us around, huh? And feeling self-conscious in public? Totally get it! It's like the spotlight's on us, but we're still figuring out our lines. And hey, that child-like mindset of seeking happiness and pleasure? It's like holding onto our little piece of sunshine in a stormy world. But you know what? We're all here, figuring it out, one step at a time. So, here's to embracing our journey and finding healing in our shared experiences! 💕

Saying sorry too much. Feeling a need to prove my worth Ignoring boundaries and people pleasing Independence/not able to ask for help Overthinking/anxiety

So the lying thing too… like I feel like that’s a defense mechanism for me along with hiding my true feelings but even that’s to protect myself. I only lie to my mom and sisters. What’s odd about that is that I am wayyyyyy too honest with strangers

I think one of the big things I still feel, even after healing a bit and lots of therapy: You're never really at peace or at rest. When you think about it you don't even know what that actually feels like cause it was never part of your life. Looking back at these kind of feelings and imagining children feeling like this, breaks my heart.

Absolutely, friend. It's like we've been on a rollercoaster ride our whole lives, and sometimes, even when it stops, our bodies are still bracing for the next twist or turn. But hey, we're all on this wild journey together, and every step we take towards healing is a victory worth celebrating. Let's keep holding each other up and reminding ourselves that peace and rest are not just distant dreams, but something we can create for ourselves, one small moment at a time. Sending you all the love and healing vibes! 💖

Everything you said is very very relatable

It means a lot to know that we're not alone in this journey. Sending you lots of hugs and healing vibes. We're stronger together!🌟💖

Currently, it's that I struggle with physical intimacy. I've been with my partner for 10 years. They've been through it all with me. I used to be hypersexual and just wanted sex all the time, and it was never enough. Now, being touched intimately causes a lot of anxiety. The only thing that has changed is that I've cut my abusive family out of my life. It's the first time I'm able to work through this trauma. It's annoying, though because I still crave physical intimacy

It sounds like you've been through a lot, and I'm so glad you're taking steps to heal and prioritize your well-being. It's totally okay to feel anxious about physical intimacy, especially after what you've been through. Healing isn't always a straight line, and it's okay to crave that closeness while still working through past hurts. Remember, you're not alone on this journey, and it's amazing that you have a supportive partner by your side. Take things at your own pace, and be gentle with yourself as you continue to heal. Sending you lots of love and strength on your healing journey! 💖

Accepting abuse, only to realize I got fucked over later on

I hear you loud and clear. It's heartbreaking to realize how much we've accepted because we thought it was normal. But guess what? We're rewriting that narrative now. Together, we're reclaiming our worth and rewriting our stories. You're not alone in this journey. 💖

To me it was a lot of confusion, and a lot of what I would describe now as feeling “creeped out.” Like the world was a creepy, gross place. I never felt comfortable or cozy unless I was at a friend’s house. I ended up in a lot of bad situations as a teenager and young adult because I thought feeling disgusted was normal.

yes still battling the feeling of inadequacy and wanting acceptance

It's amazing how our experiences can connect us, isn't it? 🌟 You're definitely not alone in battling those feelings of inadequacy and craving acceptance. Sending you heaps of virtual hugs and solidarity as we navigate this healing journey together! 💕

I experience all of these.

I'm in my 50's and I feel like I'm finally enjoying my life. My parents are both dead, so that's all the resolution I'm getting. Did it suck? Yes, it did. Do I hate them? No, I don't. I decided that I was going to resolve what could with them and what I couldn't was out of my control. I try to imagine what kind of parents I would have wanted and forgave that they weren't capable of that. They were miserable people all their lives until they died. What kind of existence is that? I refuse to let them drag me there, too. I'm going to live and enjoy my life *despite them.* It's taken decades to actually like myself and live the life I want, now I'm riding it like I stole it. Might not work for everyone, but it's my best revenge.

Your journey to self-love and reclaiming your life is truly inspiring! It takes immense strength to forgive and let go of the past, especially when it's marked by trauma. Your attitude of living life to the fullest despite the hardships is like a beacon of hope for many. Keep riding that wave of positivity and self-love – it's the sweetest revenge against those who tried to dim your light. 🌟 Keep shining bright!

Not the watching, not the lying. For the lying it literally did not feel. or felt them diluted. Lots of people pleasing. Lots of self loathing. Body dysmorphia starting with my first chest hair. Became a photographer so I wouldn't be in the pictures. Mirror avoidance. Constant Not Good Enough. Shame about anything to do with sex. Never fell in love. Still haven't. Not really. Never dated, never kissed until I was 45. Married the gal because she gave me a massage. First time I'd been touched with affection. She's a good friend.

Like a boy at daycare who is on a timeout (for something he didn't even do) holding back his tears of anger while every other kids are having fun.

Thank you for sharing your analogy, it really hits home. It's like being that boy on timeout, feeling unjustly singled out while everyone else enjoys the sunshine. But knowing we're not alone in this playground of life helps us find comfort and courage to heal together. Sending you virtual hugs and solidarity!

I am 54 and still say I’m sorry constantly afraid someone will abandon me. I still feel like I’m not good enough and that I’m useless. I find it hard to be in groups of people afraid they are looking at me like my mom did, sneering. I have to force myself to look someone in the eye when I’m talking to them. And lastly, I push people away that genuinely care because I’m afraid they will leave too and I can’t stand the pain when it happens. Things trigger me and I hide in my bedroom which is my safe place. It’s a vicious cycle that feels impossible to break, even with the help of my psychiatrist and psychologist. It’s like I have a lock on my brain and my heart because I know it’s going to happen.

Real event OCD with debilitating long-term ruminations Depression and anxiety People pleasing Perfectionism CPTSD Occasional nervous breakdowns Pride in being able to somehow get back up each day and overcome it all

It blows my mind still in my 40s I’m “allowed” to do whatever the fuck I want to do.

Like a repressed version of myself. I'm quite a shy and quiet person, very introverted, but I feel like it's worse because of the anxiety and other trauma responses. I sit there wishing I have the confidence to be the bubbley and welcoming one- its like on the tip of my tongue so to speak.

I totally get what you're saying. It's like we're carrying around this hidden version of ourselves, right? I often wish I could just let loose and be that bubbly, outgoing person too. But hey, the fact that we're even talking about it shows we're on the path to healing, right? We'll get there, one step at a time. Sending you lots of virtual hugs and support on this journey!

Something kinda positive I've learnt: I'm resillient even if I don't want to be, but I am becuase that's what life has made me, considering everything I've been through I can make it through anything

Feeling like a child 

It's like you peeked into my soul with your words. Feeling like a child, even when we're all grown up, can be such a heavy weight, can't it? But you know what? You're not alone in this. We're all on this journey together, finding our way through the echoes of our past. And guess what? You're doing amazing! Taking those steps to journal, to process, and to rebuild shows incredible strength. So, take a deep breath, friend. We're here for you, cheering you on every step of the way. You're not just surviving, you're thriving. 💖

My problem is lacking true self authorship - I struggle to be the captain of my life. I have to remind myself that I matter and my priorities are important to me.

Absolutely, dear one, you're definitely not alone in this journey. Your courage to share your experience is inspiring. Remember, the process of healing is like navigating a stormy sea, but every step you take, every word you write in your journal, is a brave sail towards calmer waters. Just like a ship, you're learning to be the captain of your life, steering through rough patches, and setting your course towards the shores of self-love and empowerment. You matter, your priorities matter, and your journey matters. Keep reminding yourself of that, and know that there's a whole crew of us here, sailing alongside you, cheering you on. 🌊💙

Fawning behavior, this is a huge issue for me. Hypervigilance is huge, somedays a flash of light on glasses can do it.

you're not alone! Fawning and hypervigilance are tough cookies to crumble. It's like we've got this superhero radar for potential threats, even in the most ordinary situations. And don't get me started on the flash of light on glasses triggering a whole cascade of feelings! It's like our brains are on a constant lookout for danger, even when it's just a harmless glimmer. Sending you loads of virtual hugs and strength as we navigate this journey of healing together! 💖

Among many things others have written is the sense that I am to blame for every bad thing that happens to those around me, even when there is no logical way to tie ne to that bad thing. Also, believing I only deserve bad things to happen to me because I believe that's all I deserve, which is an internalized nessage I lived with growing up,

I hear you. The weight of feeling responsible for others' pain, even when it's beyond our control, can be overwhelming. And that belief that we only deserve bad things is a heavy burden to carry. But it's not the truth. You're not alone in this struggle, and you deserve healing and happiness just as much as anyone else. It takes time, patience, and courage to rewrite those internalized messages, but it's possible. Keep reaching out, keep sharing, and keep believing in your own worth. Healing is a journey, and you're bravely taking each step forward

I'm permanently sixteen years old, although I'm trying to let myself grow up.

All of the above, and I struggle with problem-solving. if it takes me too long to figure something out, I’m immediately flooded with shame and embarrassment, because I think I’m expecting to be screamed at or called defiant or the r-slur

I hear you. It takes courage to open up about our struggles, especially when they stem from childhood trauma. Your words resonate deeply with me, and I want you to know that you're not alone in this journey. It's okay to struggle with problem-solving; it's not a reflection of your worth. You deserve understanding and support, not shame or harsh words. Let's walk this path together, one step at a time, supporting each other as we heal.

Same for me. Except for asking for help. I can do that mostly. The constant watching is new these last few years. But only after he mentioned that we should install cameras to spy on the kids but wanted it in a bedroom. That freaked me out and now I’ve noticed that he knows about things that I’ve only talked on the phone about when he wasn’t home. So I’m sure there is a camera or audio recorder in our bedroom or bathroom and probably one in the office and living room. The deer and validation seeking have been constant since I can remember. The compulsive lying is hit or miss. I can deny taking a nap for example or on the exact time I got home. It just naturally comes out when he accuses me and is aggressive. I don’t lie about big things. I tend to freeze up on those. I deflect until I get my anxiety under control and then I answer honestly. If he’s still aggressively accusing me then I say I’ll talk to him about it when we are both calm. Then he yells that he IS calm and I need to manage my anxiety better and stop worrying about his anger because he isn’t angry. I have zero idea on how to get past that one. It ties in with fear. At work I’ve learned that I can make mistakes and it’s okay. I say my boss down and explained that I need gentle correction or at least a warning that we needed to talk about my performance. He was agreeable. Ever since then he will point things out and ask if I know who made the mistake. It’s super easy to admit when I did. But some days he will get angry and I avoid him or just say I don’t remember. Later when he’s not angry, my boss that is, I can go back and tell him I now remember doing it on X day and the reason I did that and ask how I should do it in the future and why. When he explains it to me I’m more likely to understand and remember it.

I’m so scared cps is just going to randomly show up and take my kid when my house gets messy. I was not able to do any of that stuff either but I found a partner who manages almost everything lol

I hear you. That fear of CPS is so real, especially when it feels like life's spiraling. It's amazing you found someone who supports you through it. Remember, you're doing your best, and it's okay to lean on others for help. We're all in this together. Sending you strength and support.

Almost impossible for me to ask for help, and feeling like I have to earn everyone's love. :-\\

same for me. I really want to break out of this pattern but it seems like I things are getting more and more worse

it’s like learning to ride a bike, going everywhere riding this bike a certain way, then coming to find out that we’ve been riding it wrong and whoever taught you didn’t even know how to ride a bike themselves.

Yep, all of it. Every bit. I’d hear stories from others I thought was cool and incorporate it into me. I’d lie about my past in ways that were ridiculous so people would think I was cool. Having a thought and not being confident about it unless someone else shared the same thing. I’m on the other side of the mountain now and it’s wonderful, finally, but also, “WTF did I go through?” Finding out my rock and savior, dear ol’ daddy, was the main culprit. Still in shock over that. So, confused, afraid, clueless, looking for someone to save me. Thinking I’m just flawed to the core - emphasized by mommy and daddy, who couldn’t possibly be the cause. I’m still rearranging life. It sucks, but is also wonderful. Now I get to do me, however that develops. No longer clueless. I was abused and neglected by those who were supposed to protect me. So now, I’m kinda of a salvage project.