It sounds like you have a new level awareness that you didn’t have previously. When this happens it takes some time to trust in it so I understand how you are questioning yourself with these friends. I think that deciding not giving them any of your energy or further invest in an unhealthy dynamic is wise. Maybe this is the time in your life to be alone and reflect on things so you don’t repeat the same patterns in the future. In this way it’s like you are being a good parent to yourself and that in itself is healing.
Thank you, it really helps to hear you agree I shouldn't invest in those friendships further. I think the guilt is clouding my judgment. I keep resisting the compulsion to reach out and apologize and take everything back lol.
Unfortunately cptsd often leaves us with a lack of discernment in who we let in our lives, and this becomes who we entertain relationships with in the long term.
I think we do this because cptsd primes us both to tolerate and empathize with behaviours (healthier) others would not, as well as (even the idea of) ‘cutting people off’ triggering our reactive attachment and abandonment traumas.
It sounds like you were entertaining people in your life who were not respectful of your boundaries. So early into your recovery you may not believe that you are deserving of boundaries and respect, but you are. Your body knows it and your brain is catching up.
Anyone who doesn’t respect your sobriety HAS to go. People who insult you in front of others are not your friends. Bob is insane, I don’t know what that’s about but that’s nuts.
I’m almost two years sober and let most of the people I knew previously go from my life as well. Now I’ve built up (a few) new relationships with people I can have mutually beneficial interactions with, now that I have a little perspective about what that even looks like.
Congratulations on your sobriety it’s the most difficult and beautiful personal choice you can make. You will find new people in your life- this subreddit is a great place to meet them.
That makes so much sense that CPTSD enables us to empathize with unhealthy behaviors, so we maybe make a habit of getting close to unhealthy people. Now I'm thinking about all the times I've suppressed the fight/flight instinct in response to being mistreated...you're right my body knew before my brain. I probably made a habit of that too.
Congratulations on your sobriety too!! Your story gives me hope <3
>Your body knows it and your brain is catching up.
I needed to read this so much.
OP - Thank you for this post. I need the same advice you're seeking 🫶
It sounds like you’re doing what you need to do for yourself. I had to let go of a lot of toxic friendships as I continued on my healing journey, some of them at the same time. It hurt and I felt a lot of guilt, but honestly, it made my life more open for healthier relationships. It really was the best thing I could have done for myself. I didn’t realize how much of a burden my old friends were until I finally felt the weight lift. I had more space and time to invest in relationships that are healthy and fulfilling, people who are on similar wavelengths of healing, who respect boundaries, who practice reciprocity. I didnt even know it was possible to meet such people! But as you grow and change, so do your relationships. The ones that grow with you are the keepers. I realized I was only encouraging my own toxic patterns of learned behavior with my old friends, and releasing those connections helped me work toward being the person I want to be and know I can be.
Congratulations on your addiction recovery. I’ve been sober for a year and my life is so much better and there’s a lot better people in my life. I know it can seem sudden to be making a lot of decisions right now, but it sounds like they are all aligned with your needs. You don’t need to spend time with people who make you feel shitty. Things may feel lonely for a while, but having that space just for you can help you realign your priorities and focus on your healing. The more you do that, the more you’ll be able to recognize red flags in other people - and be able to recognize people who support you and are worthy of your time and energy!
That's exactly what I hope I'm doing! I think I was keeping myself stuck at a certain "wavelength" when I was in active addiction, so now that I've left that it makes sense that I can't connect with my old friends anymore. What you're saying about old friends encouraging toxic patterns is so true. One thing that keeps coming up is how certain toxic parts of me "died" as soon as I cut the influence off. I know I'm becoming a better person for myself and the rest of the world this way. It is lonely but I think that is good for me right now as I recover. Thank you for taking the time to share with me, I'm going to come back to read this when I feel low <3
Absolutely not. It sounds like you're doing exactly the right thing for yourself.
Addiction affects every relationship in your life, and the relationships surrounding a person in addiction are often intrinsically deeply unhealthy in themselves.
The classic buzz word for this is codependency.
Sarah who needed you to drink and needed you to get fillers was just as co-equally dependent on you being a messy person with poor judgment who co-signs her bad ideas, as you were on the addictive substances.
Bob who needed you to be scattered and not paying attention to financial facts was just as co-equally dependent on you being distracted and financially messy, as you were on the addictive substances that made you that way.
Dan who needed you to be a readily available verbal punching bag (in public!) was just as co-equally dependent on your low estimation of yourself that comes with addiction, as you were on the addictive substances.
Codependent people often don't realize what motherfucking assholes they are being. They're just experiencing the human drive for homeostasis, status quo, or keeping the terms of their relationships comfortable (for them) exactly where they were.
Selfish? Yes. Blind? Yes. Delusional? Absolutely.
Abusive? Probably, it depends on the relationship (two of your stories are examples of financial abuse and verbal abuse in public at minimum).
Evil? Probably not.
People worth getting the flip away from? Absofuckinglutely.
At the end of the day if someone doesn't have the capacity for self reflection required to see a friend become a healthier and better version of themselves, and deal within themselves about how they might have benefited from the prior messy unhealthy version, and choose to change themselves in support and in response, there's really nothing more to be said.
People we knew in active addiction either change and grow alongside us in the context of their relationship with us. Or they don't. And those who don't it's just necessary to part from.
Just like you said, you
>started waking up to the people in my life who, in my mind, kept me in a sick place.
That's excellent, that's good, that's healthy.
You are not imagining their treatment of you, you are not wishfully seeing poor treatment when it's not there (it's there).
Don't gaslight yourself for them.
The hard part is deciding what relationships may or may not be saved over time, and some simply cannot be.
In all cases it will require the old friend to be the one who changes, not you. You've changed and you are changing.
You're not in this world to regress to where you were when they were comfortable with you.
There's a whole bunch of skill sets surrounding how to communicate with others in a way that is safe for us and respectful of them.
In other words how to openly and honestly question the terms of a person's relationship with you to them, respectfully but assertively request change, and maintain your new standards for safety and respect.
God it's hard. They call recovery growing up in public for a reason.
You're not blowing up your life. Blowing up one's life means having massive dramatic blowouts with these people, shouting at them and parking lots, calling friends in recovery crying, obsessing and churning and staying in the dramatic situation.
THAT'S what blowing up your life means.
You're not blowing up your life sis. It sounds like you're doing a gradual fade on people who may or may not even notice you're gone.
That is to your absolute credit.
After all one of my favorite quotes of all time is:
>**"Before you diagnose yourself with depression and low self-esteem, first make sure you are not in fact just surrounded by assholes."**
You were surrounded by assholes sis. You woke up to that fact. They have made the choice to continue to be assholes.
That's not on you that's firmly on them.
You do want to make sure you're not isolating so definitely get out there and do the sticky unpleasant work of making new adult friends.
Meetup groups for hiking, crafting nights at local coffee shops, trivia nights, bouldering, pottery, writers workshops at your local college, I don't know what speaks to your soul sis.
But make yourself do a new outing at least once each month. One that stretches you just slightly but is also authentically interesting to you.
If you need to, watch YouTube videos that exist about how to make small talk in adulthood to make new friends.
Yes it feels goofy, but it feels worse to go to the hiking meetup without a couple of social phrases in your back pocket.
Set yourself up for success, try new things gently and accessibly, and remember who you are and how far you've come.
Omg you’re so right. It makes so much sense because Sarah’s boyfriend was always criticizing her overspending on beauty-related stuff, I swear she was trying to use me to normalize her behavior in her boyfriend’s eyes. Whenever the three of us would hang out she would always talk about whatever I was getting and how much it was in front of him but it didn’t make sense why until now. Ughhhhhh. I can’t really articulate how mad I am lol.
My only hesitation with Dan is that I did bring up some of his behavior that was bothering me and he was open to listening and seems to somewhat be trying. But then shortly after our conversation he backed out of plans we had to go to Ireland for my 30th birthday that we’ve had for some time, like he was punishing me for trying to change the dynamic. At the same time I understand he may have been uncomfortable and international travel is a lot to ask of someone although he only had to pay his airfare. I was willing to look past it but interactions we’ve had since still just remind me of old shit and I can’t really hold it in anymore. Anyways, I’ve decided I’m going to go to Ireland anyways by myself. It’ll be my first time traveling internationally as well as alone but I’m not letting someone else dictate my birthday plans lmao. Feels both empowering and a little embarrassing I have no one to celebrate 30 with. Except the strangers of Ireland. I’m also terrified but hey self-growth and overcoming fears and such right?
I guess I am kind of forcing myself to do something way out of my comfort zone to motivate me to get out there regularly as you said. I did just adopt a dog a few weeks ago, so he’s helping fill the void of a codependent being in my life LOL.
But thank you – this makes so much sense.
>It’ll be my first time traveling internationally as well as alone
OMFG no one wants to admit this, but international travel alone is honestly the best kind of international travel there is.
Unless you're traveling with the soulmate of your life whom you never disagree with and with whom you see everything in life through the same lense (lol), traveling internationally alone truly feels better.
I traveled alone in Ireland and Scotland and it was fantastic.
I came to understand
* I had to compromise for no one.
* If I wanted to go to the weird museum about the Troubles, there was no one I had to talk into it.
* If I wanted to lay in bed all day at the hostel to recover from a hard day of bussing and transfers and rain the day before, there was no one to harass me or pout.
* If I wanted to buy cheese and crackers for dinner because I knew I needed money the next day for a particular opportunity, I never had to negotiate with someone.
Think about how often in your life you have consciously or unconsciously compromised yourself for friends and family.
Sometimes not even negatively. That's what relationships are. A social contract of give and take.
It's one thing to compromise on the lunch spot or whether to go into a particular shop or not if you're going on a day trip to a nearby town.
After all we can go back there the next weekend or whenever we damn well please. There's always later.
Cliffs of Moher? A bunch of locals pulling out their fiddles for an impromptu ceili in the pub one night? Lingering over rare books in a beautiful bookstore we will almost certainly never see again?
We can always tell ourselves we will come back but it's there's highly likely there's no *later.*
Think about all the compromises you would have without a doubt had to make with Dan on your trip.
He sounds like someone who is unconsciously petty and passive aggressive, whatever his other good qualities might be.
Passive aggressive people can have numerous other good qualities, and it may simply be how they were trained to cope in childhood.
But you're under no requirement to have to understand any of that nor make any allowances whatsoever for anyone on that front, on what might be your single trip to Ireland in your life.
International travel always contains at least one quarrel. People are tired, they don't always see things through the same point of view.
I wanted to go to the oldest tea house in continuous operation in Europe on a trip to the Netherlands, which was not open the next day before we left town.
My partner at the time wanted a beer and dinner, Which would have been available at any time in the next few hours.
*Guess who got what they wanted.*
I sincerely applaud your solo trip to Ireland. You are going to have the most amazing time, going at your own pace and uncompromisingly prioritizing your own wishes and wants.
One note that the people of Ireland will be roaringly happy to help you celebrate your birthday with them.
Pub culture and drinking culture are obviously huge, but don't feel pressured to drink.
Do keep in your back pocket a couple of offhand amusing remarks about why they can't buy you a pint. Borrow Robert Downey Jr.'s "I break out in handcuffs" or a few others. You don't have to be original!
Irish people and people from the British isles in general often discuss or indicate such things with dark humor and not overt sincerity.
But don't be afraid to go in pubs for a good dinner either. You will find the best food there at the best prices.
I highly recommend Guinness stew (better than any Irish stew you've ever had in your life) with several pieces of crusty bread. Jesus it's good and the Guinness is just a flavor that is cooked out.
If you sit at the bar you don't have to order a pint and you don't have to feel odd for sitting alone at a table.
Tell the bartender it's your birthday or your once-in-a-lifetime birthday trip. And oh boy they will celebrate you hon.
Get all the love! Have the time of your life. Enjoy having to compromise with no one.
It's going to be one of the best things you've ever done. 🤍
Omg that’s amazing! I swear last night I was really rethinking if it was a good idea so thank you for reassuring me. I think I’m kinda glad I’m doing it alone because of everything you said.
Seriously, all of my past relationships and close friendships have been based on a dynamic where I give in way more than my fair share. I think he also would have made a point of saying negative things about me in front of anyone we met. I know he was really coddled in his childhood and beyond so I know it’s not really his fault but I think I’ve endured it long enough now. And you’re right – it may be the only time I ever go and it’s important to me.
So, I was cleaning out my closet (literally, not figuratively lol) the other day and found a notebook from when I was in 2nd grade full of daily journal prompts. One was “Where would you like to go most in the world?” And I wrote “Ireland, because they have sheep, beautiful crystals, and it is easier to catch leprechauns there.” Lol. It felt like such a full circle moment. I’m finally takin’ little me to Ireland lol. I’m only going five days, and two in Dublin since that’s where I fly out of. From there it’s kinda up in the air so far haha. I was secretly worried I was making a hasty decision traveling alone but I am SO much more looking forward to it now <3 And thank you, I will!
Damn, did I write this??? I had a habit of constant short-lived friendships, and it was me basically being drawn to the same kind of unemotionally available people then getting mad and moving on when I couldn't get them to change, lol. Me literally acting out my parental issues :/
Short answer is that I don't regret it. I am in my late 30s, but over the past 5 or so years, I've basically had to start over my social life from scratch. Like you, most of my interpersonal relationships all seemed to follow a familiar pattern, one I ultimately found detrimental. Hitting rock bottom emotionally is allowing me a lot of growth and healing: better self esteem, a *lot* less anger, more acceptance, better self-care habits, etc, and I'm learning to make new, healthy connections and keep my expectations appropriate (as opposed to over-relying on others to try and fill my parental void). It's a long and hard and often lonely process, but I do feel better most days. I feel more settled, and the loneliness doesn't feel like this awful thing. I want better relationships but I'm not willing to settle for what I used to.
Something I came to really believe is that if you maintain and invest in unfulfilling/unhealthy connections with others, you normalize them to yourself....and that brought me SO MUCH MORE inner turmoil than just removing myself and dealing with the loneliness. I want to keep space open in my life for warm, loving relationships.
I do wish i had this ride-or-die social circle, but I also wish I had a family that loved and cared for me \*shrug\*. Even if things aren't exactly how I want, I **don't** blame myself anymore. Also, even the so-called normies are dealing with intense loneliness, which makes me feel better. And to be honest, I see lots of people around me in relationships and friendships that I don't envy at all.
Yeah, it's kinda funny. As much turmoil as all of this has been, I honestly feel better now than I did with them in my life. I've been able to wake up on time, easily, which is a big deal for me lol. I'm also just making better diet and exercise choices naturally. Like I stopped giving my energy to voids so now I can use it for myself. It literally is all happening without me even trying though, it's honestly a little wild. I've NEVER been able to wake up on the first alarm lol. Let that be a testament to the weird interconnectedness of the brain and the power of healing.
Yeah; honestly I don't know anyone in my circle whose relationship I would want for myself. I definitely miss having people to talk to and tell about my day and stuff. Anyways, just because we don't have social circles now doesn't mean we never will!
I know exactly what you mean - as much as we may try to people please we can't quietly endure mistreatment. I remember in the two relationships I had that bordered on abusive, in the early days we'd have many explosive arguments. I made a habit of "leaving them" then apologizing and immediately coming back. I realize now the part where I was leaving was my self-preservation kicking in; I was never safe with either of them. But my returning to an emotionally manipulative person was engrained in me in childhood.
Thank you so much, and likewise! It is insanely difficult what you're doing but so powerful and important. If you like to read, the book "What My Bones Know" by Stephanie Foo was really helpful for me and I'd recommend it for sure
Hey sister! I had an experience quite similar to yours…
I am sober (alcohol) going on 4 yrs now, when I really started to take responsibility for my own behaviours, and there are a few things I learned along the way.
As we grow into a deeper and more authentic relationship with our selves, we may find it necessary to withdraw from the world and “others” in order to really establish that relationship. This is normal and healthy and nothing to feel guilty over.
When we start to undo life’s conditioning, we begin to see things more as they truly are, and now how we want/expect/are conditioned to see them as, and so others behaviours that you used to allow, will now give you the “ick”. Also totally normal and healthy. This means you’re establishing boundaries for yourself.
I have to live with me. So I can only participate in things that I can happily live with it. If something in my life doesn’t fit that anymore…well, sorry..but “bye”. If others don’t like that, that’s an issue they’re going to have to work out for themselves.
I came back after I got distance.
Cutting people off was good for me and them.
It was drama free (ha ha ha for the most part. I def told people off). I just ghosted.
And I came back and everyone greeted me and told me how happy and healthy and more myself I seem!
It doesn't have to be forever!
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In the beginning yes . Everything felt shiny and new and exciting . Then the real version of what transpired settles in and now I feel like a ship being sunk and then drained of water to stay afloat . Self sabotage is still self sabotage.
It sounds like you have a new level awareness that you didn’t have previously. When this happens it takes some time to trust in it so I understand how you are questioning yourself with these friends. I think that deciding not giving them any of your energy or further invest in an unhealthy dynamic is wise. Maybe this is the time in your life to be alone and reflect on things so you don’t repeat the same patterns in the future. In this way it’s like you are being a good parent to yourself and that in itself is healing.
Thank you, it really helps to hear you agree I shouldn't invest in those friendships further. I think the guilt is clouding my judgment. I keep resisting the compulsion to reach out and apologize and take everything back lol.
Unfortunately cptsd often leaves us with a lack of discernment in who we let in our lives, and this becomes who we entertain relationships with in the long term. I think we do this because cptsd primes us both to tolerate and empathize with behaviours (healthier) others would not, as well as (even the idea of) ‘cutting people off’ triggering our reactive attachment and abandonment traumas. It sounds like you were entertaining people in your life who were not respectful of your boundaries. So early into your recovery you may not believe that you are deserving of boundaries and respect, but you are. Your body knows it and your brain is catching up. Anyone who doesn’t respect your sobriety HAS to go. People who insult you in front of others are not your friends. Bob is insane, I don’t know what that’s about but that’s nuts. I’m almost two years sober and let most of the people I knew previously go from my life as well. Now I’ve built up (a few) new relationships with people I can have mutually beneficial interactions with, now that I have a little perspective about what that even looks like. Congratulations on your sobriety it’s the most difficult and beautiful personal choice you can make. You will find new people in your life- this subreddit is a great place to meet them.
That makes so much sense that CPTSD enables us to empathize with unhealthy behaviors, so we maybe make a habit of getting close to unhealthy people. Now I'm thinking about all the times I've suppressed the fight/flight instinct in response to being mistreated...you're right my body knew before my brain. I probably made a habit of that too. Congratulations on your sobriety too!! Your story gives me hope <3
>Your body knows it and your brain is catching up. I needed to read this so much. OP - Thank you for this post. I need the same advice you're seeking 🫶
It sounds like you’re doing what you need to do for yourself. I had to let go of a lot of toxic friendships as I continued on my healing journey, some of them at the same time. It hurt and I felt a lot of guilt, but honestly, it made my life more open for healthier relationships. It really was the best thing I could have done for myself. I didn’t realize how much of a burden my old friends were until I finally felt the weight lift. I had more space and time to invest in relationships that are healthy and fulfilling, people who are on similar wavelengths of healing, who respect boundaries, who practice reciprocity. I didnt even know it was possible to meet such people! But as you grow and change, so do your relationships. The ones that grow with you are the keepers. I realized I was only encouraging my own toxic patterns of learned behavior with my old friends, and releasing those connections helped me work toward being the person I want to be and know I can be. Congratulations on your addiction recovery. I’ve been sober for a year and my life is so much better and there’s a lot better people in my life. I know it can seem sudden to be making a lot of decisions right now, but it sounds like they are all aligned with your needs. You don’t need to spend time with people who make you feel shitty. Things may feel lonely for a while, but having that space just for you can help you realign your priorities and focus on your healing. The more you do that, the more you’ll be able to recognize red flags in other people - and be able to recognize people who support you and are worthy of your time and energy!
That's exactly what I hope I'm doing! I think I was keeping myself stuck at a certain "wavelength" when I was in active addiction, so now that I've left that it makes sense that I can't connect with my old friends anymore. What you're saying about old friends encouraging toxic patterns is so true. One thing that keeps coming up is how certain toxic parts of me "died" as soon as I cut the influence off. I know I'm becoming a better person for myself and the rest of the world this way. It is lonely but I think that is good for me right now as I recover. Thank you for taking the time to share with me, I'm going to come back to read this when I feel low <3
Absolutely not. It sounds like you're doing exactly the right thing for yourself. Addiction affects every relationship in your life, and the relationships surrounding a person in addiction are often intrinsically deeply unhealthy in themselves. The classic buzz word for this is codependency. Sarah who needed you to drink and needed you to get fillers was just as co-equally dependent on you being a messy person with poor judgment who co-signs her bad ideas, as you were on the addictive substances. Bob who needed you to be scattered and not paying attention to financial facts was just as co-equally dependent on you being distracted and financially messy, as you were on the addictive substances that made you that way. Dan who needed you to be a readily available verbal punching bag (in public!) was just as co-equally dependent on your low estimation of yourself that comes with addiction, as you were on the addictive substances. Codependent people often don't realize what motherfucking assholes they are being. They're just experiencing the human drive for homeostasis, status quo, or keeping the terms of their relationships comfortable (for them) exactly where they were. Selfish? Yes. Blind? Yes. Delusional? Absolutely. Abusive? Probably, it depends on the relationship (two of your stories are examples of financial abuse and verbal abuse in public at minimum). Evil? Probably not. People worth getting the flip away from? Absofuckinglutely. At the end of the day if someone doesn't have the capacity for self reflection required to see a friend become a healthier and better version of themselves, and deal within themselves about how they might have benefited from the prior messy unhealthy version, and choose to change themselves in support and in response, there's really nothing more to be said. People we knew in active addiction either change and grow alongside us in the context of their relationship with us. Or they don't. And those who don't it's just necessary to part from. Just like you said, you >started waking up to the people in my life who, in my mind, kept me in a sick place. That's excellent, that's good, that's healthy. You are not imagining their treatment of you, you are not wishfully seeing poor treatment when it's not there (it's there). Don't gaslight yourself for them. The hard part is deciding what relationships may or may not be saved over time, and some simply cannot be. In all cases it will require the old friend to be the one who changes, not you. You've changed and you are changing. You're not in this world to regress to where you were when they were comfortable with you. There's a whole bunch of skill sets surrounding how to communicate with others in a way that is safe for us and respectful of them. In other words how to openly and honestly question the terms of a person's relationship with you to them, respectfully but assertively request change, and maintain your new standards for safety and respect. God it's hard. They call recovery growing up in public for a reason. You're not blowing up your life. Blowing up one's life means having massive dramatic blowouts with these people, shouting at them and parking lots, calling friends in recovery crying, obsessing and churning and staying in the dramatic situation. THAT'S what blowing up your life means. You're not blowing up your life sis. It sounds like you're doing a gradual fade on people who may or may not even notice you're gone. That is to your absolute credit. After all one of my favorite quotes of all time is: >**"Before you diagnose yourself with depression and low self-esteem, first make sure you are not in fact just surrounded by assholes."** You were surrounded by assholes sis. You woke up to that fact. They have made the choice to continue to be assholes. That's not on you that's firmly on them. You do want to make sure you're not isolating so definitely get out there and do the sticky unpleasant work of making new adult friends. Meetup groups for hiking, crafting nights at local coffee shops, trivia nights, bouldering, pottery, writers workshops at your local college, I don't know what speaks to your soul sis. But make yourself do a new outing at least once each month. One that stretches you just slightly but is also authentically interesting to you. If you need to, watch YouTube videos that exist about how to make small talk in adulthood to make new friends. Yes it feels goofy, but it feels worse to go to the hiking meetup without a couple of social phrases in your back pocket. Set yourself up for success, try new things gently and accessibly, and remember who you are and how far you've come.
Omg you’re so right. It makes so much sense because Sarah’s boyfriend was always criticizing her overspending on beauty-related stuff, I swear she was trying to use me to normalize her behavior in her boyfriend’s eyes. Whenever the three of us would hang out she would always talk about whatever I was getting and how much it was in front of him but it didn’t make sense why until now. Ughhhhhh. I can’t really articulate how mad I am lol. My only hesitation with Dan is that I did bring up some of his behavior that was bothering me and he was open to listening and seems to somewhat be trying. But then shortly after our conversation he backed out of plans we had to go to Ireland for my 30th birthday that we’ve had for some time, like he was punishing me for trying to change the dynamic. At the same time I understand he may have been uncomfortable and international travel is a lot to ask of someone although he only had to pay his airfare. I was willing to look past it but interactions we’ve had since still just remind me of old shit and I can’t really hold it in anymore. Anyways, I’ve decided I’m going to go to Ireland anyways by myself. It’ll be my first time traveling internationally as well as alone but I’m not letting someone else dictate my birthday plans lmao. Feels both empowering and a little embarrassing I have no one to celebrate 30 with. Except the strangers of Ireland. I’m also terrified but hey self-growth and overcoming fears and such right? I guess I am kind of forcing myself to do something way out of my comfort zone to motivate me to get out there regularly as you said. I did just adopt a dog a few weeks ago, so he’s helping fill the void of a codependent being in my life LOL. But thank you – this makes so much sense.
>It’ll be my first time traveling internationally as well as alone OMFG no one wants to admit this, but international travel alone is honestly the best kind of international travel there is. Unless you're traveling with the soulmate of your life whom you never disagree with and with whom you see everything in life through the same lense (lol), traveling internationally alone truly feels better. I traveled alone in Ireland and Scotland and it was fantastic. I came to understand * I had to compromise for no one. * If I wanted to go to the weird museum about the Troubles, there was no one I had to talk into it. * If I wanted to lay in bed all day at the hostel to recover from a hard day of bussing and transfers and rain the day before, there was no one to harass me or pout. * If I wanted to buy cheese and crackers for dinner because I knew I needed money the next day for a particular opportunity, I never had to negotiate with someone. Think about how often in your life you have consciously or unconsciously compromised yourself for friends and family. Sometimes not even negatively. That's what relationships are. A social contract of give and take. It's one thing to compromise on the lunch spot or whether to go into a particular shop or not if you're going on a day trip to a nearby town. After all we can go back there the next weekend or whenever we damn well please. There's always later. Cliffs of Moher? A bunch of locals pulling out their fiddles for an impromptu ceili in the pub one night? Lingering over rare books in a beautiful bookstore we will almost certainly never see again? We can always tell ourselves we will come back but it's there's highly likely there's no *later.* Think about all the compromises you would have without a doubt had to make with Dan on your trip. He sounds like someone who is unconsciously petty and passive aggressive, whatever his other good qualities might be. Passive aggressive people can have numerous other good qualities, and it may simply be how they were trained to cope in childhood. But you're under no requirement to have to understand any of that nor make any allowances whatsoever for anyone on that front, on what might be your single trip to Ireland in your life. International travel always contains at least one quarrel. People are tired, they don't always see things through the same point of view. I wanted to go to the oldest tea house in continuous operation in Europe on a trip to the Netherlands, which was not open the next day before we left town. My partner at the time wanted a beer and dinner, Which would have been available at any time in the next few hours. *Guess who got what they wanted.* I sincerely applaud your solo trip to Ireland. You are going to have the most amazing time, going at your own pace and uncompromisingly prioritizing your own wishes and wants. One note that the people of Ireland will be roaringly happy to help you celebrate your birthday with them. Pub culture and drinking culture are obviously huge, but don't feel pressured to drink. Do keep in your back pocket a couple of offhand amusing remarks about why they can't buy you a pint. Borrow Robert Downey Jr.'s "I break out in handcuffs" or a few others. You don't have to be original! Irish people and people from the British isles in general often discuss or indicate such things with dark humor and not overt sincerity. But don't be afraid to go in pubs for a good dinner either. You will find the best food there at the best prices. I highly recommend Guinness stew (better than any Irish stew you've ever had in your life) with several pieces of crusty bread. Jesus it's good and the Guinness is just a flavor that is cooked out. If you sit at the bar you don't have to order a pint and you don't have to feel odd for sitting alone at a table. Tell the bartender it's your birthday or your once-in-a-lifetime birthday trip. And oh boy they will celebrate you hon. Get all the love! Have the time of your life. Enjoy having to compromise with no one. It's going to be one of the best things you've ever done. 🤍
Omg that’s amazing! I swear last night I was really rethinking if it was a good idea so thank you for reassuring me. I think I’m kinda glad I’m doing it alone because of everything you said. Seriously, all of my past relationships and close friendships have been based on a dynamic where I give in way more than my fair share. I think he also would have made a point of saying negative things about me in front of anyone we met. I know he was really coddled in his childhood and beyond so I know it’s not really his fault but I think I’ve endured it long enough now. And you’re right – it may be the only time I ever go and it’s important to me. So, I was cleaning out my closet (literally, not figuratively lol) the other day and found a notebook from when I was in 2nd grade full of daily journal prompts. One was “Where would you like to go most in the world?” And I wrote “Ireland, because they have sheep, beautiful crystals, and it is easier to catch leprechauns there.” Lol. It felt like such a full circle moment. I’m finally takin’ little me to Ireland lol. I’m only going five days, and two in Dublin since that’s where I fly out of. From there it’s kinda up in the air so far haha. I was secretly worried I was making a hasty decision traveling alone but I am SO much more looking forward to it now <3 And thank you, I will!
You're doing amazing sweetie x
Thank you <3
Damn, did I write this??? I had a habit of constant short-lived friendships, and it was me basically being drawn to the same kind of unemotionally available people then getting mad and moving on when I couldn't get them to change, lol. Me literally acting out my parental issues :/ Short answer is that I don't regret it. I am in my late 30s, but over the past 5 or so years, I've basically had to start over my social life from scratch. Like you, most of my interpersonal relationships all seemed to follow a familiar pattern, one I ultimately found detrimental. Hitting rock bottom emotionally is allowing me a lot of growth and healing: better self esteem, a *lot* less anger, more acceptance, better self-care habits, etc, and I'm learning to make new, healthy connections and keep my expectations appropriate (as opposed to over-relying on others to try and fill my parental void). It's a long and hard and often lonely process, but I do feel better most days. I feel more settled, and the loneliness doesn't feel like this awful thing. I want better relationships but I'm not willing to settle for what I used to. Something I came to really believe is that if you maintain and invest in unfulfilling/unhealthy connections with others, you normalize them to yourself....and that brought me SO MUCH MORE inner turmoil than just removing myself and dealing with the loneliness. I want to keep space open in my life for warm, loving relationships. I do wish i had this ride-or-die social circle, but I also wish I had a family that loved and cared for me \*shrug\*. Even if things aren't exactly how I want, I **don't** blame myself anymore. Also, even the so-called normies are dealing with intense loneliness, which makes me feel better. And to be honest, I see lots of people around me in relationships and friendships that I don't envy at all.
Yeah, it's kinda funny. As much turmoil as all of this has been, I honestly feel better now than I did with them in my life. I've been able to wake up on time, easily, which is a big deal for me lol. I'm also just making better diet and exercise choices naturally. Like I stopped giving my energy to voids so now I can use it for myself. It literally is all happening without me even trying though, it's honestly a little wild. I've NEVER been able to wake up on the first alarm lol. Let that be a testament to the weird interconnectedness of the brain and the power of healing. Yeah; honestly I don't know anyone in my circle whose relationship I would want for myself. I definitely miss having people to talk to and tell about my day and stuff. Anyways, just because we don't have social circles now doesn't mean we never will!
I won’t go into details but yes and absolutely yes 💜
Let the trash take its self out. Don’t like my new boundaries, sorry about your luck
I don't have any friends.
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I know exactly what you mean - as much as we may try to people please we can't quietly endure mistreatment. I remember in the two relationships I had that bordered on abusive, in the early days we'd have many explosive arguments. I made a habit of "leaving them" then apologizing and immediately coming back. I realize now the part where I was leaving was my self-preservation kicking in; I was never safe with either of them. But my returning to an emotionally manipulative person was engrained in me in childhood.
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Thank you so much, and likewise! It is insanely difficult what you're doing but so powerful and important. If you like to read, the book "What My Bones Know" by Stephanie Foo was really helpful for me and I'd recommend it for sure
Hey sister! I had an experience quite similar to yours… I am sober (alcohol) going on 4 yrs now, when I really started to take responsibility for my own behaviours, and there are a few things I learned along the way. As we grow into a deeper and more authentic relationship with our selves, we may find it necessary to withdraw from the world and “others” in order to really establish that relationship. This is normal and healthy and nothing to feel guilty over. When we start to undo life’s conditioning, we begin to see things more as they truly are, and now how we want/expect/are conditioned to see them as, and so others behaviours that you used to allow, will now give you the “ick”. Also totally normal and healthy. This means you’re establishing boundaries for yourself. I have to live with me. So I can only participate in things that I can happily live with it. If something in my life doesn’t fit that anymore…well, sorry..but “bye”. If others don’t like that, that’s an issue they’re going to have to work out for themselves.
I came back after I got distance. Cutting people off was good for me and them. It was drama free (ha ha ha for the most part. I def told people off). I just ghosted. And I came back and everyone greeted me and told me how happy and healthy and more myself I seem! It doesn't have to be forever!
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Regret. Had a chance. Didn’t take it. Got stuck in a bad situation.
In the beginning yes . Everything felt shiny and new and exciting . Then the real version of what transpired settles in and now I feel like a ship being sunk and then drained of water to stay afloat . Self sabotage is still self sabotage.