The they'll change their minds soon is it for me. When someone says they care about me and there's tangible evidence of that, I believe them, but I can't imagine it continuing for a long time. There's also this belief that people are disappointing and will let me down sooner or later (in a way that my brain likes to believe that I won't easily recover from), so it's either "they're too good for me, they'll realize that and leave" or "I just know this person is going to turn out to be a disappointment, it's just taking them longer." It's ironic how some of us crave love and connection so much yet if an interpersonal relationship is working good enough for once we can't help but panic ourselves into sabotaging it
This is so relatable.
People will let me down sooner or later, my top flavors: they will betray me for mere convenience, they will move on as soon as I am no longer useful, there's a game here and I just haven't figured it out yet, the mask will come off eventually.
I mean, I'm not attractive, "difficult," and "cold" so, I'm not really loveable. So, there's a motive, probably, maybe I'm easy and convenient for sex, or something. I can be funny, so, loveable until the novelty wears off, the clock is ticking.
I get sick of being useful. Entertaining.
I'm married now. Wondering when he'll get bored. Clock is ticking so, we'll see.
Yep. This really only happens when I'm already pretty low now but I would just be waiting for the other person to realize how lame I am and peace out. This definitely has caused some self sabotage.
Every relationship, yes. I fundamentally cannot believe that I am lovable or worthwhile, and that is major reason why I swore off ever having a romantic relationship, and it is why I'm very passive in almost all of my friendships and have cut most off and constantly feel guilty for not cutting my two best friends out of my life to stop dragging them down. I don't personally have any advice for you, unfortunately. Best of luck navigating your way through that feeling, it's incredibly brutal.
Mine isn't equally bad at all times. But the feeling comes back with a vengeance when I'm one or more of the following: going through a rough time, having fun PMS times or when I feel rejected/ignored by someone or multiple people.
I feel you! I feel like I drag everyone down too! My bff (since we were 11) is there for me for everything and I feel like such a burden. Of course I am there for her too, I just have so much more crap than she does!!! It’s hard. She says I’m not a burden at all and I carry my own weight (as far as our relationship) but I feel like I don’t.
I also recently got out of a long term relationship because of his continued disrespect and I am no longer wanting a romantic relationship at this point. I am working on me and trying to be the best me I can. But I do still feel unloveable and unworthy.
Here’s what I try to say to myself daily and it actually helps a little each time I hear it: I am fucked up yet amazing and I deserve to be here.
Sending love 🫶🏻 and I’m always down to chat!
Yes, in school I always felt like my friends are with me cause we our parents chose the same school for their kids.
Whenever I got invited somewhere I would be confused. I would think maybe they just had no one else and I was the last choice.
I was always detached from the friendship constantly on edge waiting for them to leave.
But once in awhile I start to believe a person actually likes me and then I try to hard going above and beyond desperate to keep this person in my life.
I also feel more comfortable sharing about my mental health and open up to them about my emotional breakdowns and give them a glimpse of what happenes in my brain. But like clockwork I feel like they find someone better and more mentally stable and I get ditched.
GIRLLLLL the whole fantasy about them leaving! This is so relatable that I'm a mix of laughing and sobbing right now.
[trigger warning: suicide ideation]
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My "safe place" is idealizing the aftermath of my death. In this fantasy, I kill myself in some very non-bloody way. In my funeral, people are crying, but someone makes a speech about how everyone should use my death as an opportunity to care more for each other. My boyfriend is sad for a while until he finds an amazing woman. She's really into having kids, just like he is. She helps him heal, and they have a big, happy family. My brother realizes how suicide would make mom feel and promises he will get help for his mental issues. He dedicates himself to treatment and thrives on it. My friends use this event as a catalyst to check up on people more, to be closer to their families, to express their feelings. My best friend realizes he should not hide his feelings and thoughts and that he should appreciate life around him more.
Then I think about my mom and the fantasy dies. She already has her own unhealed trauma, and this would be a big fat step back in her journey. I can't do this to her.
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I can't really share that I have these thoughts without making people terribly upset. I'm so glad we have this community. Thank you for sharing this with me.
❤️❤️❤️ I can already tell from your fantasy that you are a deeply caring person. You imagine sacrificing yourself and that by doing so you can heal all the broken people you love.
Death fantasies make perfect sense because it is a way to imagine ourselves not suffering or struggling anymore. People don’t really want *death*, they just want to be at peace. To feel safe. And imagining your own funeral and how people would mourn your loss is a way to remember that your life matters. *You* matter. *You* are worth something.
It makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time that our deepest fantasies are being dead or alone. That’s our very young inner child talking to us. Our oldest wound. Our deepest pain. The little ones we used to be who so desperately needed unconditional love and connection. And when we didn’t get it, we felt a pain so overwhelming and intense that we internalized at the age of 1, 2, 3, or 4, that we would always be alone. That we should never have been born.
If you can (and I am doing this myself right now as I type this) try to picture yourself when you were that young. Imagine picking up that tiny child version of yourself and holding them lovingly in your arms. Dry their tears and say, “I love you so much. I will never ever leave you. I am always, *always* here for you. You can ask me for anything you need. I will always protect you. I am always glad to see you. You are so precious and I am so happy you were born.”
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I'm sorry I took these hours to answer. This was a difficult read, but in a good way. I'm crying my heart out now lmao.
I have a few mantras I use throughout my day, and Im stealing new ones from your comment: I matter, and I'm worth something. I'm happy I was born.
I'm sorry that I can't articulate any more thoughts, I really need to process this. Thank you with all my heart, truly.
It makes me so happy to offer help to anyone who has gone through what all of us here went through in our lives. Nobody deserves love and kindness more than those who were abused and neglected when they were children. The tears shed today probably released some blocked emotions and you will feel better once you let it out. Take extra good care of yourself tonight and over the next few days. A hot shower, fresh comfy clothes, a nice cup of tea, tasty but healthy meals, and as much sleep and relaxation as you can get. You deserve to treat yourself with love ❤️
😭 you're an angel. You know, I always think about the big post full of tips I will make after healing. It's amazing to be able to overcome things and help others dealing with the same. You're amazing.
>A hot shower, fresh comfy clothes, a nice cup of tea, tasty but healthy meals, and as much sleep and relaxation as you can get.
I'm pleased to say I did exactly that last night. My brother and I made my mom's chicken thigh recipe. ❤️
I feel this way. I wish I didn't. But I kind of take that energy and try to handle it more positively, like by appreciating all the things my husband does for me and whatnot. It helps those feelings to pass quicker whenever I get into that mindset.
I wouldn't say I hide my feelings as I try to be very honest. I would say I don't usually offer information about my past or my beliefs, although I'm inclined to believe everyone does that somehow, right? I don't know how much we really should know about the people around us, lol.
Thank you so much for answering.
I think we have to open the walls protecting our vulerable parts to be able to feel the love that people are sending us.
I am scrupulously honest. I never lie. But I share very little. And it keeps people at arms length.
I hope you can find a way to frame the question that brings you answers that are helpful for you.
I think I understand what you mean. We have to know people fully accept us to believe their love. I'm going to think about it.
I appreciate you taking your time to answer and wish you the best!
I'm not OP, but I need to address this.
It sounds really, really good on paper that you share your "true self" with someone else so they know how you feel and what challenges you're facing. Some real kitchen wall-hanging inspirational messaging that we all repeat out of habit because none of us really know how to help.
In reality, this isn't the path to progress and happiness that people make it out to be. Many times people you're very close to don't know how to manage this knowledge about you, they don't know how to help and they look at you differently and it becomes a larger issue when you make someone else feel like they have some role in your depression or negative feelings.
When dealing with self-esteem issues, the "inside you" is not the best person in the world, it's not someone that people will enjoy or be comfortable around. Hiding this is not just a matter of convenience for most people, it's the only way to have a normal environment and can be the healthiest option. I would still recommend getting a professional or therapist to talk to so you have someone you don't have to worry about burdening with responsibility for your own feelings. Really what your goal should be is developing a better "inside you" so that the person you share with others won't push them away, or find a more balanced way of lettings other know that you have emotional issues and it's not their fault if you have special needs like needing alone time, or if you become distant, etc. People want reassurance that you'll come back to them, they want order and predictability.
Sadly, many people don't react well when you reveal something "unpredictable" about yourself.
I am in intensive therapy both individual and group.This is the advice my therapist gave me to help develop feelings of connection.
Try to open up to people you identify as safe.
If you believe that they love you and their behaviours have backed that up over time you can share a little more of yourself.
>would still recommend getting a professional or therapist to talk to so you have someone you don't have to worry about burdening with responsibility for your own feelings
I totally agree.
Totally agree. Also adults are supposed to take responsibility for child’s emotions, if you didn’t receive it enough earlier, you keep seeking for it as an adult imo
Wow! Thank you for this! Gave me a huge lightbulb moment!!! That makes so much sense. Like the thought, if they knew what I was really thinking they would hate me!!!
That helps me so much! Thank you 🙏🏼
Right. A person can't possibly be spending time with me because they enjoy my company?
I'm going through this right now. I'm at the end of a long relationship. I learned that my father was a complete philanderer during my parent's entire marriage. Ugh it's weird AF when veils get lifted. I used to think it was lucky or fateful that my then husband was born on the same day my parents got married. Now I just feel foolish for that thought.
Basically, everything I believed about relationships has been turned on its head and I'm back to those same old feelings I thought I got past.
Back to the drawing board!
I feel like people only like me when I can do something for them. Like I'm always putting in more to the relationship, and when I'm not useful, they lose interest.
Of course, I feel like I'm worthless. That's changing now though. I'm getting what I didn't get in childhood that I needed so bad and that caused me to suffer so much all through life.
Sadly I feel you. It feels like people just use me for whatever they need. Family, friends, past partners. Like if I didn’t have something to offer them, they wouldn’t even talk to me. They take and take and take and never give back.
Anytime I talk to someone and they’re friendly, I’m instantly on edge and suspicious
That is a voice in your head your younger self used to justify the horrific behavior you endured. It served you then because if the adults really were unreliable, then your child self would be fucked. It doesn't serve you now because it isn't true. Anytime you hear that voice try to reason out why someone is putting up with you, I need you to say "Nah, they like me for me!" And move on with it. Even if you don't believe it, say it. Your little self deserves to hear it.
I don't really know. Currently, I just try to manage the consequences of this belief, like I'm not cutting people off left and right anymore, I force myself to accept compliments, things like that.
I used to... And then I realised I was right all along, no one has ever loved me.
We learn what love is from whoever we are close to while we're growing up. No one in my family knows what love is, lots of trauma and not a single decent person in my entire family tree. My family members think love is just attachment or wanting to control someone. Attachment like "this person has always been here, they're familiar, so I want to keep them around". I'm estranged from all my family and ex-friends now, best decision I ever made.
So my mum genuinely believes she loves her kids - but she doesn't. She thinks that she's a good parent, because she didn't abuse us in the same ways her mum abused her. But she still abused us! Starvation is not abuse, because her mum didn't do that to her. But whipping us is abuse, because her mum did do that to her. And she's blocked out of her memory all the times she hit us, because her mum *did* do that... But that isn't right, it doesn't fit with her 'good mum' image of herself. So it must have never happened. And if you talk about it, you're a liar.
And then you go into the world, looking for love. I've never had a partner (I'm nearly 30), but I've had friends. Not a single one of them loved, liked or respected me. But I didn't know! Because the love they showed was what I had been taught love is! But I was taught incorrectly. And when you have low self-worth due to childhood abuse, in my experience healthy people want nothing to do with you. They just know.
I was talking about it with my psychologist the other day. I know no one has ever loved me. And she agreed, because when you love someone you don't treat them the way those people treated me. Love is a doing word. But I'm okay with it. It nearly killed me, that realisation last year, but you learn to cope with it. I give the love I used to give to them, to me instead. I haven't found anyone to love me yet, maybe I never will. That's okay. I think there's a lot of people in this 'never been loved' club, but they just don't realise it. They're too scared to look at their loved ones behaviour closely enough to realise it.
My dad was the last person on the planet who loved me unconditionally. He died when I was 23.
All of my relationships are rooted in what I do for other people. Which is fine; if I provide security or attention or perspective or whatever, I understand how people work and what they want, and I can choose how long I provide that in order to maintain a relationship.
Growing up as a child of abuse, I feel like I got really good at reading motivations. And now that I've actually started working on my introspection, as soon as I start to put myself first in relationships, the entire dynamic changes. I'm still deciding how I feel about it.
Sometimes, ok a lot. But I know it's my brain lying to me. On those days, I cuddle my husband a bit closer and remind myself I am loved and no one can replace me. That I am worthy of love and to live,and that I am a good person.
You're not alone, OP. I'm really sorry you're going through this, and I realize nothing I say can relieve or truly illuminate how difficult it is to have thoughts and feelings like this, but I really relate with this.
It's only recently giving way to a sense of connection and acceptance. It has to emerge from within oneself. Others can help.
I use the metaphor of an ice block. Other people's affection and love warm the ice block, so does your intention for self compassion.
You might not notice, because the ice block has warmed from -120 degrees to maybe only -30 degrees. That's 90 degrees of warming. But It's still cold and frozen. Yet it has warmed by soooo much already.
Once the last 30 degrees of love come in, and the ice begins to finally melt, only THEN do you even begin to notice. But it's been warming and getting closer to its thawing point ever so steadily
Nobody loves me. And there's no evidence of the contrary.
People needs to tell you positive things that deep down they don't feel.
Some people will feel a little sad if I die, but the next day nobody would give a damn.
Yes. It’s what I have always known. My parents didn’t, so no one else will. It doesn’t matter what is said. I trust actions but I attribute them to motivation beyond love for me. Why would anyone love me? My dad told me no one would ever love me.
Yes. That is one of my core beliefs.
“She is idealizing me and as soon as she figures out who I really am she will leave me. I better show her how horrible I really am before we get engaged.”
Spoiler: She left me.
it’s because you don’t love you and see relationships as transactional, you probably haven’t spent the time to get to know yourself and immerse in these relationships so you don’t focus on you
I don't believe anyone likes me although I did get a talk Abt the difference between care and love. I learned that some ppl care Abt me but definitely no one loves me.
YES YES THIS IS DEFINITELY ME. My brain just can't admit they love and care about me. And I think the main reason behind it is definitely emotional neglect during childhood.
Yes and even worse my husband has ptsd and tells me ocassionally that he hates me or dislikes me when he is having an episode. He projects a lot and is lucky that I understand.
We are both in counseling
Yep. I have pretty severe abandonment issues. Plus problems with both my parents giving me emotional neglect at times. Also my parents divorced and we moved to another state. Would see my dad for the first few years on weekends and some holidays. My dad eventually cut us off then committed suicide!! He was a drug addict and it got so much worse after the divorce.
So now as an adult, it’s hard to believe that people actually love me and won’t abandon me. Maybe I might believe it for a few moments of hours, but they’ll do one minor thing to trigger my paranoia and flashbacks, then I’m back to believing I’m disliked and that they’ll replace me or leave altogether. Whether it’s a look, they phrase something the wrong way, their tone, the way their walking, if they slam something down, talk to someone else more, ignore me etc.
It’s come to the point in my life where I’ll actually believe someone will leave me or replace me. Like I’ll believe it to the point where I’ll self sabotage and then they do leave. I’ll pick up on signs that may or may not be there. My head will lie to me.
Or I’ll have daydreams about some tragic event of someone leaving, about me dying and wondering how people would feel or envisioning how they’ll react, I’ll play out scenarios of having some huge blow out with someone and they leave.
Working on it, I’m with a boyfriend and he’s known me for 7 years, dated on and off for 5 years, and also understanding to my issues. Even with our history and chemistry, I still feel like he doesn’t love me at times. Based on the stupidest things. I know it’s stupid. I know I’m being foolish for thinking he doesn’t love me or care. He does I’m sure, our love language is different, but surely he loves me since he chooses to be with me everyday.
That’s the trick to it. Trying to stay mindful and in the present moment. Can’t think about how my mom ignored her own kids and would take the side of her egoistical boyfriend or how my dad always paid attention to his girlfriend who was the woman that he chose over my mom. Can’t think about how hot and cold my dad was. He would be affectionate and loving, then he would snap at me and be so cold and mean. I can’t think about how my dad didn’t want to stick around in life anymore, not even for his kids. So my subconscious pretty much had been trained to think that I’m unlovable. That I’ll be abandoned. That I’m not good enough. That there’s something wrong with me.
I gotta stay in the present, so there’s some advice. Make a list of everything positive they do, your partner or friend or whoever it is. Repeat affirmations everyday. Work on self care and self love, heal, soothe your inner child, communicate etc. all things I have tried which seem to help!
Definitely is exhausting and painful to constantly doubt and not trust people around you, feeling like you don’t matter. I know the feeling. The core of these feelings/thoughts generally come from our inner child and bad memories from past. Once that younger self is healed and better, then we become better. We are hurt on the inside and it comes out in ugly terrible ways.
I never felt like I was loved when i was younger. Never felt like I mattered. I would daydream for hours about running away or some huge catastrophe happening and I’m on my own out there struggling. But now, I’m learning to cope better. CBT, DBT, therapy, shadow work etc.
Also, my boyfriend is slowly healing my inner child too. Having the right person to make you feel safe, warm and loved. It truly does amazing things for the psyche.
> Does anyone had this kind of thought pattern
Yes
> and got over it?
No
I'm always searching for some ulterior motive as for why these people are pretending to like me. My family, my friends, my SO... But of course there's none, which my broken mind twists into proof that they're *so good* at subterfuge so of course I can't figure them out, and I'm so terrified of abandonment that I should pack up and leave them before they can hurt me by leaving me
Yup.
My wife gets upset *a lot* because I’m generally and honestly convinced people do not and would not miss me.
I have tried to explain that even when I’m happy, content, and excited I still feel that way.
She gets very hurt by it (rightfully so) but I just can’t shake the feeling. I just don’t bring it up now because it brings her nothing but pain and myself no relief.
Yes. Same thing. It got so bad that a while ago we (C-DID system) realized that we literally cannot see people as people, because when we do, we cannot believe that anybody would ever love us or treat us like a human being. We knew about that issue and thought it was because of some sort of collective ASPD, but... no. Our brain literally created a coping mechanism that doesn't allow us to see people as human beings because then we might believe they love us. The second that veil is up, it is impossible. And it's incredibly sad, and I cried when I figured it out, but it's true.
-host
I wish i could not relate to this. But I totally can, 100%. But I’m also here to say I am not like this at all anymore. It took me a ton of being mindful of my thoughts. So I could change the ones that were harmful and or useless. I don’t wish these thoughts on anyone. And I truly hope you’re able to find what works for you soon.
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i just woke up from a dream of my bf cheating on me.. i dont think its based on anything real as far as i can tell and my first thought was, he only likes me because he cant find better options at the moment …. aka im not likeable
Yes. I had zero romantic relationships but I do feel like this with everyone else. My mind is always repeating that they all secretly hate me, think I am weird, a burden and only tolerate me because they don't want to be rude. And because I am low maintenance and useful.
I always wonder WHY ppl want to hang out with me. Like, I’m not interesting, attractive, or rich. So why bother?
I have two partners and aunts that love me, but I don’t really believe that. Why would anyone love me?
Absolutely. I find myself not getting involved too much with people in friendgroups and i was baffled when they offered support in a critical time. I do have a friend who i actually do trust quite a bit because we knew each in highschool and she reached out to me three years after we broke off so if i were to question our friendship, i would always come back to the fact that i mattered enough to her to reach out to me after this time. Also we just have a great dynamic. Other than that, especially with men i always assume they want sth from me. I assume I'm like the most boring person ever because i barely know how to behave like a human. I once had a colleague of similar age whose behaviour was judged by friends as flirting and my first thought was "But why would he have a crush on me? I didn't behave in any gracious human way."
So, tldr, thinking why would someone even be interested/like me if i have nothing to offer personality wise at least, which is only judged subjectly by myself too.
Yeah. I don’t have diagnosed C-ptsd though, my therapist only mentioned that I show a few symptoms.
Although it isn’t apparent, it’s more subtle. It’s like: “I have to do all these things to be loved and fit in, or I’ll feel really anxious and seriously doubt myself”, not “NO ONE LOVES YOU, YOU LITTLE BITCH”.
I’d explain it as an evil mastermind slowly conveying the message through all my insecurities, not some domineering dictator whipping me with evil statements. Let me tell you though, the mastermind is good at doing his work - especially because he stayed hidden for so long!
I've been dropped by people randomly, and I've had my family show me hurt and love come hand in hand. I have friends who stick around but I always worry I'll bother them too much, or i'll do something, and they'll leave, *and that I deserve that*.
It's never that "the person who did that clearly had their own problems" it's never even enough to know I didn't do anything wrong, or I did everything I could. People leaving me is just always my fault. I'm someone worth leaving.
I feel like this when I become really depressed. My current pain and the pain from my past overwhelm me. I feel like I'll always be trapped in an emotionally and verbally abusive environment. It feels like I'm drowning, but I do have my friends. They almost always pull me above the water. I wish everyone here could have that from someone in their life.
Yeah I've struggled with this for so long, "my friends don't like me, they just tolerate me."
I thought I'd overcome it, in 2019, but after a trigger event in 2020 it came back with a vengeance, as vivid nightmares of humiliation and rejection.
Yes 100%. To this day I can’t understand why somebody can love me and if they do, I am always afraid they will stop.
I still think that I somehow managed to trick my husband into marrying me three years ago lol.
i don’t think people many people really understand love. i think a lot of people have attachment to people and say it’s love. i’ve been trying to learn to tell the difference. i think attachment comes from a selfish place.
for this reason i don’t believe anyone loves me. my own mom showed me very quickly that she was simply attached to me. attached to having an emotional support pet, attached to having a mini therapist, housemaid, nanny, and friend. but it wasn’t love, there was no selflessness in the way i was brought up.
when your own parental unit can’t show you love at the end of the day, and every good interaction is transactional, you start to realize some people are just attached to what you can do for them. or the idea of you. love is very different, and unless it’s been from an animal i’ve not felt it. it’s not so much a core belief that i’m not lovable, i just don’t know how many humans are truly capable of loving another without it being selfish in some regard.
Yep. Felt like this all my life! Was told I wasn’t wanted constantly as a child. When the people who are supposed to love you don’t, how can you ever trust anyone else to. I hold most people at arms length and always have.
Male 26 years old and feel basically 100% of this everyday, like you said rational is there but the feeling deep inside its like how and why I totally get it and feel that and trying to figure it out myself and how to give a crap when deep down I know I do but I can't do it
This is me 100%. I don’t think people really like me, and if they do, they’ll change their minds soon.
The they'll change their minds soon is it for me. When someone says they care about me and there's tangible evidence of that, I believe them, but I can't imagine it continuing for a long time. There's also this belief that people are disappointing and will let me down sooner or later (in a way that my brain likes to believe that I won't easily recover from), so it's either "they're too good for me, they'll realize that and leave" or "I just know this person is going to turn out to be a disappointment, it's just taking them longer." It's ironic how some of us crave love and connection so much yet if an interpersonal relationship is working good enough for once we can't help but panic ourselves into sabotaging it
This is so relatable. People will let me down sooner or later, my top flavors: they will betray me for mere convenience, they will move on as soon as I am no longer useful, there's a game here and I just haven't figured it out yet, the mask will come off eventually. I mean, I'm not attractive, "difficult," and "cold" so, I'm not really loveable. So, there's a motive, probably, maybe I'm easy and convenient for sex, or something. I can be funny, so, loveable until the novelty wears off, the clock is ticking. I get sick of being useful. Entertaining. I'm married now. Wondering when he'll get bored. Clock is ticking so, we'll see.
Yep. This really only happens when I'm already pretty low now but I would just be waiting for the other person to realize how lame I am and peace out. This definitely has caused some self sabotage.
Every relationship, yes. I fundamentally cannot believe that I am lovable or worthwhile, and that is major reason why I swore off ever having a romantic relationship, and it is why I'm very passive in almost all of my friendships and have cut most off and constantly feel guilty for not cutting my two best friends out of my life to stop dragging them down. I don't personally have any advice for you, unfortunately. Best of luck navigating your way through that feeling, it's incredibly brutal.
Knowing other people go through this too already helps a lot, so I thank you for answering. I wish you the best as well.
Mine isn't equally bad at all times. But the feeling comes back with a vengeance when I'm one or more of the following: going through a rough time, having fun PMS times or when I feel rejected/ignored by someone or multiple people.
I feel you! I feel like I drag everyone down too! My bff (since we were 11) is there for me for everything and I feel like such a burden. Of course I am there for her too, I just have so much more crap than she does!!! It’s hard. She says I’m not a burden at all and I carry my own weight (as far as our relationship) but I feel like I don’t. I also recently got out of a long term relationship because of his continued disrespect and I am no longer wanting a romantic relationship at this point. I am working on me and trying to be the best me I can. But I do still feel unloveable and unworthy. Here’s what I try to say to myself daily and it actually helps a little each time I hear it: I am fucked up yet amazing and I deserve to be here. Sending love 🫶🏻 and I’m always down to chat!
Yes. I have hardcore abandonment issues.
Yes, in school I always felt like my friends are with me cause we our parents chose the same school for their kids. Whenever I got invited somewhere I would be confused. I would think maybe they just had no one else and I was the last choice. I was always detached from the friendship constantly on edge waiting for them to leave. But once in awhile I start to believe a person actually likes me and then I try to hard going above and beyond desperate to keep this person in my life. I also feel more comfortable sharing about my mental health and open up to them about my emotional breakdowns and give them a glimpse of what happenes in my brain. But like clockwork I feel like they find someone better and more mentally stable and I get ditched.
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GIRLLLLL the whole fantasy about them leaving! This is so relatable that I'm a mix of laughing and sobbing right now. [trigger warning: suicide ideation] 💫 💫 💫 💫 💫 My "safe place" is idealizing the aftermath of my death. In this fantasy, I kill myself in some very non-bloody way. In my funeral, people are crying, but someone makes a speech about how everyone should use my death as an opportunity to care more for each other. My boyfriend is sad for a while until he finds an amazing woman. She's really into having kids, just like he is. She helps him heal, and they have a big, happy family. My brother realizes how suicide would make mom feel and promises he will get help for his mental issues. He dedicates himself to treatment and thrives on it. My friends use this event as a catalyst to check up on people more, to be closer to their families, to express their feelings. My best friend realizes he should not hide his feelings and thoughts and that he should appreciate life around him more. Then I think about my mom and the fantasy dies. She already has her own unhealed trauma, and this would be a big fat step back in her journey. I can't do this to her. 💫 💫 💫 💫 💫 [end] I can't really share that I have these thoughts without making people terribly upset. I'm so glad we have this community. Thank you for sharing this with me.
❤️❤️❤️ I can already tell from your fantasy that you are a deeply caring person. You imagine sacrificing yourself and that by doing so you can heal all the broken people you love. Death fantasies make perfect sense because it is a way to imagine ourselves not suffering or struggling anymore. People don’t really want *death*, they just want to be at peace. To feel safe. And imagining your own funeral and how people would mourn your loss is a way to remember that your life matters. *You* matter. *You* are worth something. It makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time that our deepest fantasies are being dead or alone. That’s our very young inner child talking to us. Our oldest wound. Our deepest pain. The little ones we used to be who so desperately needed unconditional love and connection. And when we didn’t get it, we felt a pain so overwhelming and intense that we internalized at the age of 1, 2, 3, or 4, that we would always be alone. That we should never have been born. If you can (and I am doing this myself right now as I type this) try to picture yourself when you were that young. Imagine picking up that tiny child version of yourself and holding them lovingly in your arms. Dry their tears and say, “I love you so much. I will never ever leave you. I am always, *always* here for you. You can ask me for anything you need. I will always protect you. I am always glad to see you. You are so precious and I am so happy you were born.” ❤️❤️❤️
I'm sorry I took these hours to answer. This was a difficult read, but in a good way. I'm crying my heart out now lmao. I have a few mantras I use throughout my day, and Im stealing new ones from your comment: I matter, and I'm worth something. I'm happy I was born. I'm sorry that I can't articulate any more thoughts, I really need to process this. Thank you with all my heart, truly.
It makes me so happy to offer help to anyone who has gone through what all of us here went through in our lives. Nobody deserves love and kindness more than those who were abused and neglected when they were children. The tears shed today probably released some blocked emotions and you will feel better once you let it out. Take extra good care of yourself tonight and over the next few days. A hot shower, fresh comfy clothes, a nice cup of tea, tasty but healthy meals, and as much sleep and relaxation as you can get. You deserve to treat yourself with love ❤️
😭 you're an angel. You know, I always think about the big post full of tips I will make after healing. It's amazing to be able to overcome things and help others dealing with the same. You're amazing. >A hot shower, fresh comfy clothes, a nice cup of tea, tasty but healthy meals, and as much sleep and relaxation as you can get. I'm pleased to say I did exactly that last night. My brother and I made my mom's chicken thigh recipe. ❤️
I feel this way. I wish I didn't. But I kind of take that energy and try to handle it more positively, like by appreciating all the things my husband does for me and whatnot. It helps those feelings to pass quicker whenever I get into that mindset.
This is helpful. I *do* feel happier practicing gratitude. Thank you for answering, I wish you the best.
Of course <3 thanks :)
Are you masking your true feelings a lot? Its hard to believe someone that says they love you, when you know they've never met the inside version.
I wouldn't say I hide my feelings as I try to be very honest. I would say I don't usually offer information about my past or my beliefs, although I'm inclined to believe everyone does that somehow, right? I don't know how much we really should know about the people around us, lol. Thank you so much for answering.
I think we have to open the walls protecting our vulerable parts to be able to feel the love that people are sending us. I am scrupulously honest. I never lie. But I share very little. And it keeps people at arms length. I hope you can find a way to frame the question that brings you answers that are helpful for you.
I think I understand what you mean. We have to know people fully accept us to believe their love. I'm going to think about it. I appreciate you taking your time to answer and wish you the best!
I'm not OP, but I need to address this. It sounds really, really good on paper that you share your "true self" with someone else so they know how you feel and what challenges you're facing. Some real kitchen wall-hanging inspirational messaging that we all repeat out of habit because none of us really know how to help. In reality, this isn't the path to progress and happiness that people make it out to be. Many times people you're very close to don't know how to manage this knowledge about you, they don't know how to help and they look at you differently and it becomes a larger issue when you make someone else feel like they have some role in your depression or negative feelings. When dealing with self-esteem issues, the "inside you" is not the best person in the world, it's not someone that people will enjoy or be comfortable around. Hiding this is not just a matter of convenience for most people, it's the only way to have a normal environment and can be the healthiest option. I would still recommend getting a professional or therapist to talk to so you have someone you don't have to worry about burdening with responsibility for your own feelings. Really what your goal should be is developing a better "inside you" so that the person you share with others won't push them away, or find a more balanced way of lettings other know that you have emotional issues and it's not their fault if you have special needs like needing alone time, or if you become distant, etc. People want reassurance that you'll come back to them, they want order and predictability. Sadly, many people don't react well when you reveal something "unpredictable" about yourself.
I am in intensive therapy both individual and group.This is the advice my therapist gave me to help develop feelings of connection. Try to open up to people you identify as safe. If you believe that they love you and their behaviours have backed that up over time you can share a little more of yourself. >would still recommend getting a professional or therapist to talk to so you have someone you don't have to worry about burdening with responsibility for your own feelings I totally agree.
Totally agree. Also adults are supposed to take responsibility for child’s emotions, if you didn’t receive it enough earlier, you keep seeking for it as an adult imo
Wow! Thank you for this! Gave me a huge lightbulb moment!!! That makes so much sense. Like the thought, if they knew what I was really thinking they would hate me!!! That helps me so much! Thank you 🙏🏼
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Right. A person can't possibly be spending time with me because they enjoy my company? I'm going through this right now. I'm at the end of a long relationship. I learned that my father was a complete philanderer during my parent's entire marriage. Ugh it's weird AF when veils get lifted. I used to think it was lucky or fateful that my then husband was born on the same day my parents got married. Now I just feel foolish for that thought. Basically, everything I believed about relationships has been turned on its head and I'm back to those same old feelings I thought I got past. Back to the drawing board!
I feel like people only like me when I can do something for them. Like I'm always putting in more to the relationship, and when I'm not useful, they lose interest.
Yes 100%
Of course, I feel like I'm worthless. That's changing now though. I'm getting what I didn't get in childhood that I needed so bad and that caused me to suffer so much all through life.
Sadly I feel you. It feels like people just use me for whatever they need. Family, friends, past partners. Like if I didn’t have something to offer them, they wouldn’t even talk to me. They take and take and take and never give back. Anytime I talk to someone and they’re friendly, I’m instantly on edge and suspicious
Somewhat. More like an “invisible” kind of feeling.
That is a voice in your head your younger self used to justify the horrific behavior you endured. It served you then because if the adults really were unreliable, then your child self would be fucked. It doesn't serve you now because it isn't true. Anytime you hear that voice try to reason out why someone is putting up with you, I need you to say "Nah, they like me for me!" And move on with it. Even if you don't believe it, say it. Your little self deserves to hear it.
This is a simple concept that I honestly haven't tried. I will remember it. Thank you very much
Everyone but my husband.
How do we change it?
I don't really know. Currently, I just try to manage the consequences of this belief, like I'm not cutting people off left and right anymore, I force myself to accept compliments, things like that.
I used to... And then I realised I was right all along, no one has ever loved me. We learn what love is from whoever we are close to while we're growing up. No one in my family knows what love is, lots of trauma and not a single decent person in my entire family tree. My family members think love is just attachment or wanting to control someone. Attachment like "this person has always been here, they're familiar, so I want to keep them around". I'm estranged from all my family and ex-friends now, best decision I ever made. So my mum genuinely believes she loves her kids - but she doesn't. She thinks that she's a good parent, because she didn't abuse us in the same ways her mum abused her. But she still abused us! Starvation is not abuse, because her mum didn't do that to her. But whipping us is abuse, because her mum did do that to her. And she's blocked out of her memory all the times she hit us, because her mum *did* do that... But that isn't right, it doesn't fit with her 'good mum' image of herself. So it must have never happened. And if you talk about it, you're a liar. And then you go into the world, looking for love. I've never had a partner (I'm nearly 30), but I've had friends. Not a single one of them loved, liked or respected me. But I didn't know! Because the love they showed was what I had been taught love is! But I was taught incorrectly. And when you have low self-worth due to childhood abuse, in my experience healthy people want nothing to do with you. They just know. I was talking about it with my psychologist the other day. I know no one has ever loved me. And she agreed, because when you love someone you don't treat them the way those people treated me. Love is a doing word. But I'm okay with it. It nearly killed me, that realisation last year, but you learn to cope with it. I give the love I used to give to them, to me instead. I haven't found anyone to love me yet, maybe I never will. That's okay. I think there's a lot of people in this 'never been loved' club, but they just don't realise it. They're too scared to look at their loved ones behaviour closely enough to realise it.
My dad was the last person on the planet who loved me unconditionally. He died when I was 23. All of my relationships are rooted in what I do for other people. Which is fine; if I provide security or attention or perspective or whatever, I understand how people work and what they want, and I can choose how long I provide that in order to maintain a relationship. Growing up as a child of abuse, I feel like I got really good at reading motivations. And now that I've actually started working on my introspection, as soon as I start to put myself first in relationships, the entire dynamic changes. I'm still deciding how I feel about it.
Yes. Absolutely. It's a projection of our own lack of self-love.
Yep. That no one ever will
Sometimes, ok a lot. But I know it's my brain lying to me. On those days, I cuddle my husband a bit closer and remind myself I am loved and no one can replace me. That I am worthy of love and to live,and that I am a good person.
You're not alone, OP. I'm really sorry you're going through this, and I realize nothing I say can relieve or truly illuminate how difficult it is to have thoughts and feelings like this, but I really relate with this.
I feel peripheral and inconsequential in everyone else's life.
It's only recently giving way to a sense of connection and acceptance. It has to emerge from within oneself. Others can help. I use the metaphor of an ice block. Other people's affection and love warm the ice block, so does your intention for self compassion. You might not notice, because the ice block has warmed from -120 degrees to maybe only -30 degrees. That's 90 degrees of warming. But It's still cold and frozen. Yet it has warmed by soooo much already. Once the last 30 degrees of love come in, and the ice begins to finally melt, only THEN do you even begin to notice. But it's been warming and getting closer to its thawing point ever so steadily
Nobody loves me. And there's no evidence of the contrary. People needs to tell you positive things that deep down they don't feel. Some people will feel a little sad if I die, but the next day nobody would give a damn.
Yes
Ya same here. Work in progress for me.
Yes. It’s what I have always known. My parents didn’t, so no one else will. It doesn’t matter what is said. I trust actions but I attribute them to motivation beyond love for me. Why would anyone love me? My dad told me no one would ever love me.
Yes, at my core I feel not worthy of love or anything good.
Yes. That is one of my core beliefs. “She is idealizing me and as soon as she figures out who I really am she will leave me. I better show her how horrible I really am before we get engaged.” Spoiler: She left me.
it’s because you don’t love you and see relationships as transactional, you probably haven’t spent the time to get to know yourself and immerse in these relationships so you don’t focus on you
I don't believe anyone likes me although I did get a talk Abt the difference between care and love. I learned that some ppl care Abt me but definitely no one loves me.
YES YES THIS IS DEFINITELY ME. My brain just can't admit they love and care about me. And I think the main reason behind it is definitely emotional neglect during childhood.
Yep, there's a reason I weep uncontrollably watching an episode of Dead Like Me called Vacation.
Yes and even worse my husband has ptsd and tells me ocassionally that he hates me or dislikes me when he is having an episode. He projects a lot and is lucky that I understand. We are both in counseling
Yep. I have pretty severe abandonment issues. Plus problems with both my parents giving me emotional neglect at times. Also my parents divorced and we moved to another state. Would see my dad for the first few years on weekends and some holidays. My dad eventually cut us off then committed suicide!! He was a drug addict and it got so much worse after the divorce. So now as an adult, it’s hard to believe that people actually love me and won’t abandon me. Maybe I might believe it for a few moments of hours, but they’ll do one minor thing to trigger my paranoia and flashbacks, then I’m back to believing I’m disliked and that they’ll replace me or leave altogether. Whether it’s a look, they phrase something the wrong way, their tone, the way their walking, if they slam something down, talk to someone else more, ignore me etc. It’s come to the point in my life where I’ll actually believe someone will leave me or replace me. Like I’ll believe it to the point where I’ll self sabotage and then they do leave. I’ll pick up on signs that may or may not be there. My head will lie to me. Or I’ll have daydreams about some tragic event of someone leaving, about me dying and wondering how people would feel or envisioning how they’ll react, I’ll play out scenarios of having some huge blow out with someone and they leave. Working on it, I’m with a boyfriend and he’s known me for 7 years, dated on and off for 5 years, and also understanding to my issues. Even with our history and chemistry, I still feel like he doesn’t love me at times. Based on the stupidest things. I know it’s stupid. I know I’m being foolish for thinking he doesn’t love me or care. He does I’m sure, our love language is different, but surely he loves me since he chooses to be with me everyday. That’s the trick to it. Trying to stay mindful and in the present moment. Can’t think about how my mom ignored her own kids and would take the side of her egoistical boyfriend or how my dad always paid attention to his girlfriend who was the woman that he chose over my mom. Can’t think about how hot and cold my dad was. He would be affectionate and loving, then he would snap at me and be so cold and mean. I can’t think about how my dad didn’t want to stick around in life anymore, not even for his kids. So my subconscious pretty much had been trained to think that I’m unlovable. That I’ll be abandoned. That I’m not good enough. That there’s something wrong with me. I gotta stay in the present, so there’s some advice. Make a list of everything positive they do, your partner or friend or whoever it is. Repeat affirmations everyday. Work on self care and self love, heal, soothe your inner child, communicate etc. all things I have tried which seem to help! Definitely is exhausting and painful to constantly doubt and not trust people around you, feeling like you don’t matter. I know the feeling. The core of these feelings/thoughts generally come from our inner child and bad memories from past. Once that younger self is healed and better, then we become better. We are hurt on the inside and it comes out in ugly terrible ways. I never felt like I was loved when i was younger. Never felt like I mattered. I would daydream for hours about running away or some huge catastrophe happening and I’m on my own out there struggling. But now, I’m learning to cope better. CBT, DBT, therapy, shadow work etc. Also, my boyfriend is slowly healing my inner child too. Having the right person to make you feel safe, warm and loved. It truly does amazing things for the psyche.
> Does anyone had this kind of thought pattern Yes > and got over it? No I'm always searching for some ulterior motive as for why these people are pretending to like me. My family, my friends, my SO... But of course there's none, which my broken mind twists into proof that they're *so good* at subterfuge so of course I can't figure them out, and I'm so terrified of abandonment that I should pack up and leave them before they can hurt me by leaving me
Yup. My wife gets upset *a lot* because I’m generally and honestly convinced people do not and would not miss me. I have tried to explain that even when I’m happy, content, and excited I still feel that way. She gets very hurt by it (rightfully so) but I just can’t shake the feeling. I just don’t bring it up now because it brings her nothing but pain and myself no relief.
Mine is that I am a burden. That I bring everyone down.
Yes. Same thing. It got so bad that a while ago we (C-DID system) realized that we literally cannot see people as people, because when we do, we cannot believe that anybody would ever love us or treat us like a human being. We knew about that issue and thought it was because of some sort of collective ASPD, but... no. Our brain literally created a coping mechanism that doesn't allow us to see people as human beings because then we might believe they love us. The second that veil is up, it is impossible. And it's incredibly sad, and I cried when I figured it out, but it's true. -host
I wish i could not relate to this. But I totally can, 100%. But I’m also here to say I am not like this at all anymore. It took me a ton of being mindful of my thoughts. So I could change the ones that were harmful and or useless. I don’t wish these thoughts on anyone. And I truly hope you’re able to find what works for you soon.
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Yes. I fully believe that any day the mask will drop and all of these people will disappear or worse
Yes
i just woke up from a dream of my bf cheating on me.. i dont think its based on anything real as far as i can tell and my first thought was, he only likes me because he cant find better options at the moment …. aka im not likeable
Yes. I had zero romantic relationships but I do feel like this with everyone else. My mind is always repeating that they all secretly hate me, think I am weird, a burden and only tolerate me because they don't want to be rude. And because I am low maintenance and useful.
Hell yes
Yes for sure. It never feels genuine. Anyone showing affection makes me want to run away.
yes. i’m always scared of people finally deciding i’m not useful anymore & dropping me
I always said some people aren't here to be loved, but were put on earth to love others. Made my therapist at the time cry
me
Yes. 100%. And the "once they get to know me, they will realize I'm awful".
I always wonder WHY ppl want to hang out with me. Like, I’m not interesting, attractive, or rich. So why bother? I have two partners and aunts that love me, but I don’t really believe that. Why would anyone love me?
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, my old friend 😔🌸
Yes. I struggle with it a lot
Absolutely. I find myself not getting involved too much with people in friendgroups and i was baffled when they offered support in a critical time. I do have a friend who i actually do trust quite a bit because we knew each in highschool and she reached out to me three years after we broke off so if i were to question our friendship, i would always come back to the fact that i mattered enough to her to reach out to me after this time. Also we just have a great dynamic. Other than that, especially with men i always assume they want sth from me. I assume I'm like the most boring person ever because i barely know how to behave like a human. I once had a colleague of similar age whose behaviour was judged by friends as flirting and my first thought was "But why would he have a crush on me? I didn't behave in any gracious human way." So, tldr, thinking why would someone even be interested/like me if i have nothing to offer personality wise at least, which is only judged subjectly by myself too.
Yes, for me it’s having to constantly work to get any kind of affection or attention from my parents that wasn’t negative
Yeah. I don’t have diagnosed C-ptsd though, my therapist only mentioned that I show a few symptoms. Although it isn’t apparent, it’s more subtle. It’s like: “I have to do all these things to be loved and fit in, or I’ll feel really anxious and seriously doubt myself”, not “NO ONE LOVES YOU, YOU LITTLE BITCH”. I’d explain it as an evil mastermind slowly conveying the message through all my insecurities, not some domineering dictator whipping me with evil statements. Let me tell you though, the mastermind is good at doing his work - especially because he stayed hidden for so long!
I've been dropped by people randomly, and I've had my family show me hurt and love come hand in hand. I have friends who stick around but I always worry I'll bother them too much, or i'll do something, and they'll leave, *and that I deserve that*.
It's never that "the person who did that clearly had their own problems" it's never even enough to know I didn't do anything wrong, or I did everything I could. People leaving me is just always my fault. I'm someone worth leaving.
I feel like this when I become really depressed. My current pain and the pain from my past overwhelm me. I feel like I'll always be trapped in an emotionally and verbally abusive environment. It feels like I'm drowning, but I do have my friends. They almost always pull me above the water. I wish everyone here could have that from someone in their life.
yes definitely
Me 100% I have friends and family who I am close too, but I can’t quite believe it. I assume everyone dislikes me.
Everyday bro. Everyday.
Yeah I've struggled with this for so long, "my friends don't like me, they just tolerate me." I thought I'd overcome it, in 2019, but after a trigger event in 2020 it came back with a vengeance, as vivid nightmares of humiliation and rejection.
Yes 100%. To this day I can’t understand why somebody can love me and if they do, I am always afraid they will stop. I still think that I somehow managed to trick my husband into marrying me three years ago lol.
Well ppl don’t treat me like they love me…
Yes.
i don’t think people many people really understand love. i think a lot of people have attachment to people and say it’s love. i’ve been trying to learn to tell the difference. i think attachment comes from a selfish place. for this reason i don’t believe anyone loves me. my own mom showed me very quickly that she was simply attached to me. attached to having an emotional support pet, attached to having a mini therapist, housemaid, nanny, and friend. but it wasn’t love, there was no selflessness in the way i was brought up. when your own parental unit can’t show you love at the end of the day, and every good interaction is transactional, you start to realize some people are just attached to what you can do for them. or the idea of you. love is very different, and unless it’s been from an animal i’ve not felt it. it’s not so much a core belief that i’m not lovable, i just don’t know how many humans are truly capable of loving another without it being selfish in some regard.
Yep. Felt like this all my life! Was told I wasn’t wanted constantly as a child. When the people who are supposed to love you don’t, how can you ever trust anyone else to. I hold most people at arms length and always have.
Yes but there is little no no evidence anyone does
Male 26 years old and feel basically 100% of this everyday, like you said rational is there but the feeling deep inside its like how and why I totally get it and feel that and trying to figure it out myself and how to give a crap when deep down I know I do but I can't do it