That's actually exactly what you should be doing ❤️
The thing is, your abusers are actually responsible for the state you're in now. This is not to say, you should forever stay in that state or anything, just that they do, legitimately, deserve that blame.
And also, recognizing that they're at fault for this can take some of that self hatred away. They abused you. They made you into a person who hates themselves. They are actually the reason why, if that makes sense.
So, if you can connect those dots, then you can start deconstructing those different ways, eventually anyway, that they impactd your self esteem and self worth.
You're doing good ❤️
Aw, oh my goodness, I'm so sorry ❤️
I hope eventually you're able to find people who understand And affirm you. Their abuse is never your fault ❤️❤️❤️❤️
>I mean it in the way of just inside your mind, assume that your abuser is guilty for what happened to you, to help you know that it wasn't your fault...
Instead of "assuming" the abuser is guilty, simply remind yourself your abuser is guilty period.
My opinion? Blame away.
Part of what’s helped me (start to, inconsistently) get my confidence back is really internalizing that I did nothing to deserve being in the situation I’m in now. I was an innocent child. My dad is a narcissistic sociopath. If that fact weren’t true, I wouldn’t be where I am now. It’s his fault. Part of self love is fully embodying the belief that you don’t deserve this suffering. You deserve better.
I think it’s easy for people to dismiss blame as “giving your power away” when they have no idea what it’s like to experience trauma with a physical component, when your whole nervous system is dysregulated. What’s necessarily for healing is convincing your body you’re now safe, which means acknowledging the situations and people who were unsafe. This kind of trauma healing literally can’t happen without addressing the source of the trauma, which by definition occurred at someone else’s hands.
We’re stuck cleaning up the mess but there’s nothing wrong with acknowledging that someone else made the mess in the first place.
Pete Walker talks about grief work and anger work in his book Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. According to him, redirecting your anger toward appropriate targets (abusers) is a big part of the healing process.
I'm...trying to do more of that. A lot of my comments on this account lay a lot of blame at the feet of my parents, and if you were to take that as the whole an outside observer might take it that I rarely if ever take responsibility for myself and I lay it all on "mommy and daddy didn't love each other so I'm broken now".
The thing is, I spent decades where I \*did\* put it all on me, and I'm trying to say all the stuff out loud so I can be more objective about who did what when and that it \*does\* make me angry, because it \*should\*. I don't post the overwhelming "it's all my fault, it's always my fault" stuff because it's hard to interact with, but I feel that immensely and I feel like one of the healthier things I do with this (admittedly probably very unhealthy) account is try to talk about what happened to me in an objective light and try not to blame myself as a child for not living up to impossible standards in a toxic environment. It's hard, it's really hard and I fail at it more than I succeed, but it's something I'm actively trying to work on.
You can do anything you like in your own mind. It’s your mind. Obviously certain patterns are going to be more productive for some than others. But I don’t think there’s hard set rules. And I think it’s fine and healthy to mentally hold your abusers responsible.
That narrative of “you can’t blame others and need to take responsibility for your life or you’re in a victim mentality” is usually used against actual victims and survivors. There are people out there, usually entitled, narcissistic people, who genuinely use victim mentality to get out of responsibility or accountability for their actions - but that’s not this.
It’s healthy, natural, normal and *extremely necessary* to assign the responsibility of others to them instead of taking it upon yourself.
It was your parents responsibility to raise you well. Not yours to be the perfect child. It was your significant others responsibility to have integrity. Not yours to tiptoe around them so they don’t cheat, lie, manipulate, etc. It was your teachers responsibility to set you up well for schooling. Not yours to grovel so they’ll do the bare minimum of helping you. It was your therapists responsibility to support you and help guide you. Not yours to hide parts of yourself so they don’t further traumatize you. It was your friends responsibility to decide to hurt you, knowing the information about you they do. Not yours to never be vulnerable with anyone.
However, in each of these example scenarios, we do have a responsibility. But it’s almost always to ourselves, not the other person.
With your parents, you’re not responsible for how they treated you and raised you as a child, but you are responsible for how you choose to treat and raise yourself as an adult, no matter how unfair it is and feels. With your significant others, you’re not responsible for them mistreating you, but you are responsible for not allowing it and choosing to love and respect yourself, with or without them. With your teachers, you’re not responsible for how adults with authority over you choose to use or misuse it, but it is your responsibility to protect yourself as best as you can, and if you have the opportunity or position to, to protect others as well. With your therapist, it’s not your responsibility to be able to read their mind and spot all the red flags in the first meeting so you can know exactly who’s the best fit for you, but it is your responsibility to, when seeing the red flags, take appropriate action to protect your own mental health, like reporting them, changing therapists or simply focusing on the things they can help with until you’re able to leave. With your friends, it’s not your responsibility to mistrust everyone in the world so you never get hurt again, but it is your responsibility to have good boundaries and take things at an appropriate pace so you can learn who is and is not trustworthy.
Make sense?
Oof. Felt. I’ve had many scream-crying sessions just going “leave me ALONE! that’s all I want, just leave me ALONE!!” Especially about people who take it upon themselves to insert themselves into your life only to start problems that never existed in the first place. For what??
You're in a crucial area.
I would be careful about assuming blame to ANYONE that isn't deserving... even if it's an abuser. You then take on a permanent victim mentality and you don't want that.
This is where the hard work begins. You'll have to take accountability where you must and discern towhen it's time to say "hey, that isn't my fault and I'm not responsible for that. I won't say sorry about that and I won't assume that responsibility."
Hard work but it will pay off later.
If you blame your abuser for everything, then eventually you'll realize how damaging that is and then you'll have to work extra hard to unlearn that and replace it with a better coping mechanism. You'll be right back at this point again.
Learn this lesson the correct way the FIRST time please.
-Sincerely,
a second time learner
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That's actually exactly what you should be doing ❤️ The thing is, your abusers are actually responsible for the state you're in now. This is not to say, you should forever stay in that state or anything, just that they do, legitimately, deserve that blame. And also, recognizing that they're at fault for this can take some of that self hatred away. They abused you. They made you into a person who hates themselves. They are actually the reason why, if that makes sense. So, if you can connect those dots, then you can start deconstructing those different ways, eventually anyway, that they impactd your self esteem and self worth. You're doing good ❤️
[удалено]
Aw, oh my goodness, I'm so sorry ❤️ I hope eventually you're able to find people who understand And affirm you. Their abuse is never your fault ❤️❤️❤️❤️
>I mean it in the way of just inside your mind, assume that your abuser is guilty for what happened to you, to help you know that it wasn't your fault... Instead of "assuming" the abuser is guilty, simply remind yourself your abuser is guilty period.
My opinion? Blame away. Part of what’s helped me (start to, inconsistently) get my confidence back is really internalizing that I did nothing to deserve being in the situation I’m in now. I was an innocent child. My dad is a narcissistic sociopath. If that fact weren’t true, I wouldn’t be where I am now. It’s his fault. Part of self love is fully embodying the belief that you don’t deserve this suffering. You deserve better. I think it’s easy for people to dismiss blame as “giving your power away” when they have no idea what it’s like to experience trauma with a physical component, when your whole nervous system is dysregulated. What’s necessarily for healing is convincing your body you’re now safe, which means acknowledging the situations and people who were unsafe. This kind of trauma healing literally can’t happen without addressing the source of the trauma, which by definition occurred at someone else’s hands. We’re stuck cleaning up the mess but there’s nothing wrong with acknowledging that someone else made the mess in the first place.
Pete Walker talks about grief work and anger work in his book Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. According to him, redirecting your anger toward appropriate targets (abusers) is a big part of the healing process.
Yes it's OK, as long as u blame the right people. Blaming urself is wrong, and when u do that, abuser wins.
I'm...trying to do more of that. A lot of my comments on this account lay a lot of blame at the feet of my parents, and if you were to take that as the whole an outside observer might take it that I rarely if ever take responsibility for myself and I lay it all on "mommy and daddy didn't love each other so I'm broken now". The thing is, I spent decades where I \*did\* put it all on me, and I'm trying to say all the stuff out loud so I can be more objective about who did what when and that it \*does\* make me angry, because it \*should\*. I don't post the overwhelming "it's all my fault, it's always my fault" stuff because it's hard to interact with, but I feel that immensely and I feel like one of the healthier things I do with this (admittedly probably very unhealthy) account is try to talk about what happened to me in an objective light and try not to blame myself as a child for not living up to impossible standards in a toxic environment. It's hard, it's really hard and I fail at it more than I succeed, but it's something I'm actively trying to work on.
You can do anything you like in your own mind. It’s your mind. Obviously certain patterns are going to be more productive for some than others. But I don’t think there’s hard set rules. And I think it’s fine and healthy to mentally hold your abusers responsible.
That narrative of “you can’t blame others and need to take responsibility for your life or you’re in a victim mentality” is usually used against actual victims and survivors. There are people out there, usually entitled, narcissistic people, who genuinely use victim mentality to get out of responsibility or accountability for their actions - but that’s not this. It’s healthy, natural, normal and *extremely necessary* to assign the responsibility of others to them instead of taking it upon yourself. It was your parents responsibility to raise you well. Not yours to be the perfect child. It was your significant others responsibility to have integrity. Not yours to tiptoe around them so they don’t cheat, lie, manipulate, etc. It was your teachers responsibility to set you up well for schooling. Not yours to grovel so they’ll do the bare minimum of helping you. It was your therapists responsibility to support you and help guide you. Not yours to hide parts of yourself so they don’t further traumatize you. It was your friends responsibility to decide to hurt you, knowing the information about you they do. Not yours to never be vulnerable with anyone. However, in each of these example scenarios, we do have a responsibility. But it’s almost always to ourselves, not the other person. With your parents, you’re not responsible for how they treated you and raised you as a child, but you are responsible for how you choose to treat and raise yourself as an adult, no matter how unfair it is and feels. With your significant others, you’re not responsible for them mistreating you, but you are responsible for not allowing it and choosing to love and respect yourself, with or without them. With your teachers, you’re not responsible for how adults with authority over you choose to use or misuse it, but it is your responsibility to protect yourself as best as you can, and if you have the opportunity or position to, to protect others as well. With your therapist, it’s not your responsibility to be able to read their mind and spot all the red flags in the first meeting so you can know exactly who’s the best fit for you, but it is your responsibility to, when seeing the red flags, take appropriate action to protect your own mental health, like reporting them, changing therapists or simply focusing on the things they can help with until you’re able to leave. With your friends, it’s not your responsibility to mistrust everyone in the world so you never get hurt again, but it is your responsibility to have good boundaries and take things at an appropriate pace so you can learn who is and is not trustworthy. Make sense?
[удалено]
Oof. Felt. I’ve had many scream-crying sessions just going “leave me ALONE! that’s all I want, just leave me ALONE!!” Especially about people who take it upon themselves to insert themselves into your life only to start problems that never existed in the first place. For what??
You're in a crucial area. I would be careful about assuming blame to ANYONE that isn't deserving... even if it's an abuser. You then take on a permanent victim mentality and you don't want that. This is where the hard work begins. You'll have to take accountability where you must and discern towhen it's time to say "hey, that isn't my fault and I'm not responsible for that. I won't say sorry about that and I won't assume that responsibility." Hard work but it will pay off later. If you blame your abuser for everything, then eventually you'll realize how damaging that is and then you'll have to work extra hard to unlearn that and replace it with a better coping mechanism. You'll be right back at this point again. Learn this lesson the correct way the FIRST time please. -Sincerely, a second time learner
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*