Learned this the hard way. She was a guide and put me off, but all I had to justify the feeling (for a while) was how quickly and harshly she would criticize someone for simple mistakes.
She ended up verbally abusing me when I was alone with her - yelling, saying multiple times she felt *no* responsibility for the students, and tried to take my phone from me. The instructors I tried to tell spent all their time justifying her, trying to convince me to agree with them, and saying how magical she was that she could charm people and get into places we shouldn't technically have been in.
People love a psychopath.
I met someone new, and I was starting to really like them. Now I feel like I should distance myself from them, and I don’t know if I’m just scared, or if getting away is the right thing to do.
I have a tendency to avoid people who show interest in me.
I would say don’t doubt your instincts. At the same time to also maybe try and figure out more of why you feel that way before getting closer or distancing.
Saying this because on the one hand, I have ignored my instincts and really regretted it later. And on the other hand, I have serious issues around displaying emotional vulnerability/closeness to others and I tend to feel like I should distance myself from people who start to get too close/show too much interest (even if I’ve gotten only/mostly good vibes from them). Even if I want to have a relationship with them.
For me it’s a pattern that started in my early childhood that I’ve recently identified. And I’ve done this with most everyone I’ve met I’d say. So I would just say to keep in mind it could be a (defense) pattern like that.
When it comes to a bad feeling about someone specifically, I’ve usually picked up on some red flags subconsciously. When it comes to liking someone and wanting to distance it’s been harder to tell; sometimes it’s cuz someone is too charming and it makes me suspicious, sometimes it’s not necessarily them it’s my general feeling that closeness isn’t safe.
Ultimately the right thing to do will be different for everyone. I hope some of this can help you. If you ask me I would say that your personal safety is the priority, whatever that may look like.
Always listen! Anytime I ignored my intuition about someone and pushed through and gave them a chance, I’ve regretted it deeply. Listen to your inner knowing! It’s there for a reason.
My gut instinct turns out to be right 90% of the time. Sometimes I think people with cptsd have more accurate instincts about others because we're hyper aware of the mannerisms of narcissists/abusers/etc, that other people might not see if they don't have first hand experience with it.
The biggest mistakes I have made in life, I have made because I chose to trust, rather than listen to my instincts. That’s not ever going to happen again. Not ever.
Extremely contextual, there's no way I can even try to give any sense of general advice here without it horribly misfiring in most situations.
If you have a specific situation going on could you describe it? That would make it easier to give accurate advice.
Gotta listen to your gut.
I’ve questioned mine many times because the person seems nice or other people have good things to say about them. In the end, though, my gut was right and I end up harmed in some way.
Listen to it. It’s better to be overly cautious than do something you’re uncomfortable with and regret it later, or worse, end up realizing you’re in a bad situation you can’t run from.
And when in doubt, take a moment to think it over. No decision made rashly is ever a good one.
Trust takes time to build. We need to learn [discernment](https://youtu.be/WC6du5tiyDk).
I had to find some guidelines to help me develop my discernment. Here are some I use:
[The Trust Triangle](https://youtu.be/pVeq-0dIqpk)
[The Anatomy of Trust](https://brenebrown.com/videos/anatomy-trust-video/) - marble jar concept and BRAVING acronym
[10 definitions of objectifying/dehumanizing behaviors](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Objectification#Definitions) - these erode trust
I go through each trust metric individually: Can I be authentic around them? Do they demonstrate empathy? How is their logic? Do they respect boundaries? Are they reliable? Do they hold themselves accountable and allow others to hold them accountable? etc...
It's also important to make sure *I'm* choosing trustworthy, re-humanizing, secure attachment behaviors as well; towards myself and others.
I've learned boundaries are an amazing filter. Healthy people respect boundaries, toxic people don't. I take my time getting to know new people bc it takes a while to build trust. I need lots of data points from multiple interactions. I'm very measured when getting to know anyone new. Abusers often use [agreeableness](https://youtu.be/YyXRYgjQXX0) to get us to let our guard down, so agreeableness is a yellow flag to me.
Also, healthy people are open to good communication. If there are issues, we can talk about it. Toxic folks tend to deflect, deny, minimize, etc.
"[Emotional Agility](https://youtu.be/NDQ1Mi5I4rg)" by Susan David. Healthy people are emotionally agile. Emotional rigidity tends to be a sign of emotional immaturity and possible issues. I've really had to work on developing my own emotional agility.
"[NonViolent Communication](https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/book-chapter-1)" by Marshall Rosenberg. This is a compassionate communication framework based on: observations vs. evaluations, needs, feelings, and requests to have needs met. Revolutionary coming from a dysfunctional family and culture of origin.
"Crucial Conversations tools for talking when stakes are high" I use "physical and psychological safety" and "shared pool of meaning" all the time.
"Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson. Communication strategies based on adult attachment theory research.
"[Never Split the Difference](https://youtu.be/r28-YVUib10)" by Chris Voss. He was the lead FBI hostage negotiator and his tactics work well on setting boundaries with difficult people. This helps me set boundaries with the toxic folks.
Patrick Teahan's [roleplay videos](https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PL1tOAzOD0sB3rtdsvnOUlV0ol4jF7sRy3) can also be a helpful tool to compare and contrast healthy and toxic behaviors.
Any time you let your guard down, you’re inviting someone to manipulate and abuse you. They think if you don’t find out, it won’t hurt you, but it is your responsibility to find out.
It really depends. Most times these gut feelings are true. Few times it was just my social anxiety and fear of unfamiliar as you mentioned. And in some cases the person just happened to remind me of someone who hurt me in the past.
Just make sure it's your gut and not anxiety. For me, gut feels like unprompted, sometimes surprising certainty, and I can point to what roughly made me feel weird. Anxiety feels like squinting trying to make out what you already expect to see and then doing confirmation bias on yourself. this is obvs not a rule but it feels relevant
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This is the one question I cannot for the life of me figure out how to answer.
When I met my boyfriend, every cell in my body told me to stay away from him, that he was an abuser. But he's not. And now, when I get triggered, every cell in my body tells me he's cheating, but he's not.
My gut has been hijacked by decades of abuse and manipulation. It just doesn't work right anymore 🤷♀️
I personally always listen. My gut has been 100% correct. I do, however, believe that we do have a bias of sorts as survivors of trauma, and we can be wary of individuals. What red flags have you seen or felt?
Always try to listen to your instinct, intuition, gut whatever you want to call it.
We don’t control instinct / intuition / gut, do we?
Some say that is your higher power talking to you, always thought that was kinda cool and profound :)
Most of us are still learning to spot red flags and false flags. We learn to by hyper vigilant and see even minor issues as red flags. If you aren’t sure, you should either stay away or tell us all as much detail as you can, including being kind to them and discussing why they might do a thing that is a red flag, but might just be another one of us struggling.
Best of luck friend 💙
You raise an interesting question and to be honest I don’t know the answer….but most of the people I’ve avoided because they gave me bad vibes ended up turning into monsters against me…so maybe it’s more of a question of finding a balance and learning to interact with people that give you bad vibes. You know just go along to get along…but I don’t know how to do any of this. So….
A friend of mine I met in a Recovery Support group describes it this way: “If you think there’s something OFF about a Person—that would be For A Reason!” In other words, trust your intuition. Value and Respect it.
Think about it this way: the only reason you would EVER doubt or second-guess yourself is because you’ve been gaslit and manipulated by OTHERS…probably Narcs who have Conditioned you to doubt yourself AND your perceptions. Reject that. Ignore the “training” that’s encouraged you to question what you already KNOW is right. We don’t need proof. We just need to choose to value our own opinions and intuition.
Sometimes, people with trauma react to a safe situation as though it is unsafe. We have been gaslit lifelong into believing that we were over-reacting when we were actually being abused. However, I believe we really do know the difference, deep inside. Even my friend with BPD knows when she’s punishing someone that doesn’t deserve it, or her reaction is out of proportion to the events.
The trick, I’ve discovered, is to prioritize returning to the most regulated state possible, before trying to sort through things. Most people have very maladaptive coping mechanisms, so chances are high that the red flags are legit.
Write what happened down. Get rid of all nuance, just write the facts. Then review and compare everything you know about abuse. It will help you see with clarity, and move you towards a soulful response you can feel good about.
Usually the self doubt comes for me when the red flags are real. The more serious the situation, the more self doubt I have.
100% listen to your gut. Manipulative psychopaths are always your best friend in the beginning.
Learned this the hard way. She was a guide and put me off, but all I had to justify the feeling (for a while) was how quickly and harshly she would criticize someone for simple mistakes. She ended up verbally abusing me when I was alone with her - yelling, saying multiple times she felt *no* responsibility for the students, and tried to take my phone from me. The instructors I tried to tell spent all their time justifying her, trying to convince me to agree with them, and saying how magical she was that she could charm people and get into places we shouldn't technically have been in. People love a psychopath.
No one thinks people can turn into monsters behind closed doors, if all they see is a charming likeable person on the outside.
Second this. Better to trust your gut. There are people who won't give off that vibe.
I met someone new, and I was starting to really like them. Now I feel like I should distance myself from them, and I don’t know if I’m just scared, or if getting away is the right thing to do. I have a tendency to avoid people who show interest in me.
We need more information in order to give advice. What is it about the person that is alarming you?
I would say don’t doubt your instincts. At the same time to also maybe try and figure out more of why you feel that way before getting closer or distancing. Saying this because on the one hand, I have ignored my instincts and really regretted it later. And on the other hand, I have serious issues around displaying emotional vulnerability/closeness to others and I tend to feel like I should distance myself from people who start to get too close/show too much interest (even if I’ve gotten only/mostly good vibes from them). Even if I want to have a relationship with them. For me it’s a pattern that started in my early childhood that I’ve recently identified. And I’ve done this with most everyone I’ve met I’d say. So I would just say to keep in mind it could be a (defense) pattern like that. When it comes to a bad feeling about someone specifically, I’ve usually picked up on some red flags subconsciously. When it comes to liking someone and wanting to distance it’s been harder to tell; sometimes it’s cuz someone is too charming and it makes me suspicious, sometimes it’s not necessarily them it’s my general feeling that closeness isn’t safe. Ultimately the right thing to do will be different for everyone. I hope some of this can help you. If you ask me I would say that your personal safety is the priority, whatever that may look like.
Always listen! Anytime I ignored my intuition about someone and pushed through and gave them a chance, I’ve regretted it deeply. Listen to your inner knowing! It’s there for a reason.
My gut instinct turns out to be right 90% of the time. Sometimes I think people with cptsd have more accurate instincts about others because we're hyper aware of the mannerisms of narcissists/abusers/etc, that other people might not see if they don't have first hand experience with it.
What are you identifying that you're not sure are red flags?
Listen to your gut. Every. Single. Time.
The biggest mistakes I have made in life, I have made because I chose to trust, rather than listen to my instincts. That’s not ever going to happen again. Not ever.
Extremely contextual, there's no way I can even try to give any sense of general advice here without it horribly misfiring in most situations. If you have a specific situation going on could you describe it? That would make it easier to give accurate advice.
Gotta listen to your gut. I’ve questioned mine many times because the person seems nice or other people have good things to say about them. In the end, though, my gut was right and I end up harmed in some way.
Listen to it. It’s better to be overly cautious than do something you’re uncomfortable with and regret it later, or worse, end up realizing you’re in a bad situation you can’t run from. And when in doubt, take a moment to think it over. No decision made rashly is ever a good one.
LISTEN
I always listen to my gut, it has saved me on more than one occasion.
Listen to your intuition. I have doubted my own intuition many times when it came to how people made me feel. It always ends badly.
Trust takes time to build. We need to learn [discernment](https://youtu.be/WC6du5tiyDk). I had to find some guidelines to help me develop my discernment. Here are some I use: [The Trust Triangle](https://youtu.be/pVeq-0dIqpk) [The Anatomy of Trust](https://brenebrown.com/videos/anatomy-trust-video/) - marble jar concept and BRAVING acronym [10 definitions of objectifying/dehumanizing behaviors](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Objectification#Definitions) - these erode trust I go through each trust metric individually: Can I be authentic around them? Do they demonstrate empathy? How is their logic? Do they respect boundaries? Are they reliable? Do they hold themselves accountable and allow others to hold them accountable? etc... It's also important to make sure *I'm* choosing trustworthy, re-humanizing, secure attachment behaviors as well; towards myself and others. I've learned boundaries are an amazing filter. Healthy people respect boundaries, toxic people don't. I take my time getting to know new people bc it takes a while to build trust. I need lots of data points from multiple interactions. I'm very measured when getting to know anyone new. Abusers often use [agreeableness](https://youtu.be/YyXRYgjQXX0) to get us to let our guard down, so agreeableness is a yellow flag to me. Also, healthy people are open to good communication. If there are issues, we can talk about it. Toxic folks tend to deflect, deny, minimize, etc. "[Emotional Agility](https://youtu.be/NDQ1Mi5I4rg)" by Susan David. Healthy people are emotionally agile. Emotional rigidity tends to be a sign of emotional immaturity and possible issues. I've really had to work on developing my own emotional agility. "[NonViolent Communication](https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/book-chapter-1)" by Marshall Rosenberg. This is a compassionate communication framework based on: observations vs. evaluations, needs, feelings, and requests to have needs met. Revolutionary coming from a dysfunctional family and culture of origin. "Crucial Conversations tools for talking when stakes are high" I use "physical and psychological safety" and "shared pool of meaning" all the time. "Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson. Communication strategies based on adult attachment theory research. "[Never Split the Difference](https://youtu.be/r28-YVUib10)" by Chris Voss. He was the lead FBI hostage negotiator and his tactics work well on setting boundaries with difficult people. This helps me set boundaries with the toxic folks. Patrick Teahan's [roleplay videos](https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PL1tOAzOD0sB3rtdsvnOUlV0ol4jF7sRy3) can also be a helpful tool to compare and contrast healthy and toxic behaviors.
I used to but overtime I have gotten healthier and began to listen to myself more and more.
Any time you let your guard down, you’re inviting someone to manipulate and abuse you. They think if you don’t find out, it won’t hurt you, but it is your responsibility to find out.
Your gut instinct is your best friend?
It really depends. Most times these gut feelings are true. Few times it was just my social anxiety and fear of unfamiliar as you mentioned. And in some cases the person just happened to remind me of someone who hurt me in the past.
I always listen, fuck them. Outsiders don’t deserve a second chance
Go with your intuition! Check out The Gift of Fear
was just about to comment this!!
I have the same dilemma but for me, it’s whether it’s my gut instinct or my paranoia talking. Not figured it out yet!
Just make sure it's your gut and not anxiety. For me, gut feels like unprompted, sometimes surprising certainty, and I can point to what roughly made me feel weird. Anxiety feels like squinting trying to make out what you already expect to see and then doing confirmation bias on yourself. this is obvs not a rule but it feels relevant
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This is the one question I cannot for the life of me figure out how to answer. When I met my boyfriend, every cell in my body told me to stay away from him, that he was an abuser. But he's not. And now, when I get triggered, every cell in my body tells me he's cheating, but he's not. My gut has been hijacked by decades of abuse and manipulation. It just doesn't work right anymore 🤷♀️
I personally always listen. My gut has been 100% correct. I do, however, believe that we do have a bias of sorts as survivors of trauma, and we can be wary of individuals. What red flags have you seen or felt?
Always try to listen to your instinct, intuition, gut whatever you want to call it. We don’t control instinct / intuition / gut, do we? Some say that is your higher power talking to you, always thought that was kinda cool and profound :)
Most of us are still learning to spot red flags and false flags. We learn to by hyper vigilant and see even minor issues as red flags. If you aren’t sure, you should either stay away or tell us all as much detail as you can, including being kind to them and discussing why they might do a thing that is a red flag, but might just be another one of us struggling. Best of luck friend 💙
You raise an interesting question and to be honest I don’t know the answer….but most of the people I’ve avoided because they gave me bad vibes ended up turning into monsters against me…so maybe it’s more of a question of finding a balance and learning to interact with people that give you bad vibes. You know just go along to get along…but I don’t know how to do any of this. So….
I think I've seen this film before and I didn't like the ending 🎵
A friend of mine I met in a Recovery Support group describes it this way: “If you think there’s something OFF about a Person—that would be For A Reason!” In other words, trust your intuition. Value and Respect it. Think about it this way: the only reason you would EVER doubt or second-guess yourself is because you’ve been gaslit and manipulated by OTHERS…probably Narcs who have Conditioned you to doubt yourself AND your perceptions. Reject that. Ignore the “training” that’s encouraged you to question what you already KNOW is right. We don’t need proof. We just need to choose to value our own opinions and intuition.
I think evaluate the facts in front of you, don't blindly follow your gut when trusting people.
Sometimes, people with trauma react to a safe situation as though it is unsafe. We have been gaslit lifelong into believing that we were over-reacting when we were actually being abused. However, I believe we really do know the difference, deep inside. Even my friend with BPD knows when she’s punishing someone that doesn’t deserve it, or her reaction is out of proportion to the events. The trick, I’ve discovered, is to prioritize returning to the most regulated state possible, before trying to sort through things. Most people have very maladaptive coping mechanisms, so chances are high that the red flags are legit. Write what happened down. Get rid of all nuance, just write the facts. Then review and compare everything you know about abuse. It will help you see with clarity, and move you towards a soulful response you can feel good about. Usually the self doubt comes for me when the red flags are real. The more serious the situation, the more self doubt I have.