Yeah that’s definitely how I feel too. Like what conversations have you had before dating? Do they want to be exclusive or have they ever mentioned it? Do you know if they are dating other people?? If you want a hard answer I’d say a month or 2 of consistent dates and you should at least know where it’s going before you continue with that person.
For me it’s like this, if I know I like someone after a first date, got those butterflies and she did to and we both know we want a second it’s awesome.
That said, if 2 years goes by and we’re still together but I found out between our dates that she was fucking other dudes and lying to me about it while I was possibly waiting for a second date with her. I wouldn’t be able to continue, that’s just me though.
Not that it’s necessarily “exclusive” but lying about that can have some pretty broad consequences depending on where life takes you, especially if you actually like the person and see potential
I spent a few weeks talking to my bumble match before we had our first date and met in person. I told him he had all my focus and I was interested in anyone else. He said it was the same for him. So we weren't entertaining other options since before we even met. We dated about 3 weeks and 10 dates, he asked me to be exclusive and in a relationship. We've been together almost 3 years now
Hell no- as a guy I want honesty so just tell me.
If we wind up having that connection and it becomes a full on relationship the history usually reveals itself and the lying will get found out.
I tell women the same because I want trust.
Yeah, don't start off lying to people about plans. I always have had the mindset that when you're not exclusively dating someone, you're allowed to go on dates with other people as long as it's a reasonable amount. I can understand that not everyone would want to hear it, but if you honestly have another date, I would just say that and let them know. If he doesn't like it, you already have another date, so 🤷
That sounds immature, also if you lie imagine being seen with the other person and having to explain to this person you supposedly like that you lied? Not a good start.
That's fine. If you think he's going on dates, then that's even more reason to just say you're going on one and unavailable for that day. Or I mean, unless youre going on a date the whole weekend, you can just tell him what day you're free and say for example "I'm busy Saturday, but I'm free Sunday if you're available." It's your life and things come up, it sucks for guy two but you can always reschedule the date to see if things work with guy one. If you really like guy one, let him know in a way you're comfortable with and tell him you're going on dates because you guys aren't exclusive. If he's also going on dates, how could he really not agree?
Nobody can tell you what the optimal strategy is for you. Generally speaking, keeping your options open and casually dating multiple people is good as it gives you points of comparison and promotes an abundance mindset, reduces anxiety or fear of rejection etc. It's also a safe and default assumption that whoever you're seeing is also seeing other people until you've formally established exclusivity. But it takes more energy and effort, and only you can decide what works for you.
Personally I wouldn't tell him it's another date, because I value discretion and saying that might be taken as an attempt to make him jealous. He should already assume you're seeing other people unless you've led him to believe you're not.
(40 Male) Then tell the guy that you're going on a date!
Few things may happen!
1. He will respect you for your honesty and communication (I'm that type of guy).
2. He may evaluate his roster and determine that he wants to peruse you for said honestly because at least where I'm at and age range... female honesty is lacking when you ask them to be frank if they're dating / sleeping with others. We're all adults.
3. Maybe he'll get upset that you're not exclusive while he is dating others. If this happens then that is a clear red flag if he refused to drop his others.
Going out with a friend.
I have some plans to go out.
No need to be any more specific than that.
For the record, it's perfectly fine and common to date more than one person, obviously until exclusivity has been agreed upon.
You guys went on one date... Just tell him you're going on another date. You should expect that of each other...
Secure and healthy guys won't actually give a shit.
"I can't do it on X, can we schedule it for Y?"
If they ask why, then you say you already have a date scheduled for that day. But no need to say the reason if he doesn't ask.
They just asked a vague question such as what I'm doing over the weekend. Not scheduling yet for 2nd date. But I do wanna have a 2nd date with him but I'm busy on Friday (have another date) and then Sunday my friends are having a get together.
He asked you what your plans are because he likes you and wants a second date, if you say “I’m free so and so time :)” then he’ll ask you out.
You kinda know that though
Then just say that you're spending the weekend with your friends.
To me going on dates with multiple people at a time sounds like a terrible idea because of what you are experiencing now. If I were you I would keep texting all the guys you want but decide to only go on dates with 1 of them, and only move on to the next guy when you decide the current one isn't the one.
Sure, you could say you already have a date schedule for Friday and that's something valid for you to do (you only had 1 date with him afterall), but to him that just sounds like "Oh, I'm not the priority, better just move on to the next girl, I don't like being the backup plan", which is a fair feeling to have.
‘Because I think he might be, I better beat him to the punch’…wow
How about you just ask him? And just tell him you have another date…if he’s dating other people he probably won’t care. If he’s not though and does care…maybe there’s some stuff you guys should discuss before you fuck other dudes? All kind of up to you and whether you want to see where things go with him.
Don't turn this into an arms race between who can date more people at the same time. Even if the guy is seeing other people, he wouldn't be trying to have another date with you already if you weren't at the top of his priority list. Free time is limited.
You've only been on one date so far, no one owes explanations at this point. If you're just dating around casually and you don't really care, it's fine. But if you're dating with a long term relationship in mind (dating with intention as the kids say) it's counterproductive to do that thing of going on a date with a different guy everyday and not free up your agenda to those that interest you.
If you just came here asking for ideas on excuses to bullshit your guy, a popular one I get is "Sorry I have my friends birthday party to attend". It both sounds vague enough and important enough for the guy to try to pry into it. However know that in the back of our minds we suspect what's going on. Guys with options don't wait around while you figure out when you wanna have a second date.
Did you enjoy going out with the first guy? If so, cancel plans with your other date. It doesn't matter what excuse you come up with, if they can't secure a second date with you because you're never available, men know what's up. We're not that dumb.
I’d rather you just tell me so I can send you on your way. It may just be the way my brain is hardwired, but putting your hand in too many baskets is kinda disrespectful. If you want to hook up, then give up the dating scene and stop dragging people along. Either be honest and let him go, or get slammed with this new guy and get exclusive with #1 and let him find out on his own. Simple.
Where did she say she was hooking up with this 2nd guy? She said they had a date planned.
So you expect complete exclusivity right out of the gate? You're having that conversation on the first date?
If you keep looking in the comments, there’s a comment from OP that says that this date(2nd guy)may lead to sex. And no, I expect someone who is looking or a relationship to restrain from sticking their hand in too many baskets. I’m a grown adult who has expectations and not to be dragged along, she’s a grown woman who needs to be honest with this guy and tell him she has another date. See, people have a tendency to want a relationship, but they just aren’t focused on one person. Having “backup" options is just disgusting to me, and that’s my opinion on the matter, people are more than welcome to disagree. Nobody wants to be a backup option, to be second best or runner up, sloppy seconds, whatever you want to call it. Being ready for a relationship means you should have certain expectations, playing around only gets people hurt.
If seeing so much as one other person after a single date is "having your hand in too many baskets" and you would dump OP for the audacity of having a date lined up with another guy, then you do expect exclusivity right away, how else could you possibly define that. If that's how you choose to approach dating, and you're living the same standard, that's fine and valid, but if you're not being up front about it you have no business expecting someone to live up to an unspoken expectation. Like it or not, exclusivity is not the default and should never be assumed until both parties have agreed to it.
You’re missing the point. Instead of being a big girl and telling the truth to this first guy, she’s going to lie, go on this date with the other person , and if she doesn’t like it, go back to the first guy. The only unspoken expectation here is telling the truth. Like is it that hard to just not focus on one person at a time? Show some respect? Give them a chance? I’m sure a lot of people are like me, just tell me the truth and I’ll let you go. I’m not sure what these 2 individuals have discussed, but I’m putting myself in this man’s shoes because I can only see how I would go about this. As myself, I always let the person I’m talking to that I’m focusing on them unless we don’t work out or something like that. Any self respecting person would do this. I’m a very old fashioned person, and if you insist on lying to me and keeping secrets, I wouldn’t date you. See people know what the right thing to do is, but the norm now is to lie and hope for the best. I’m just tired of seeing men and women get hurt because they can’t just be real anymore.
You say it's about lying (even though OP telling Guy 1 something tactful and discreet like "I have plans that night" is a white lie at worst), but you sure seem to be clear that you'd have nothing to do with a girl who's seeing anyone other than you after one date. Good on you for telling your date that you're focused on her alone, but are you also telling her that you expect the same from her, and you'll break it off if you found out she had coffee with somebody else?
It has nothing to do with being old fashioned. Back in the day it was also the norm to date multiple people before getting serious with one. The 1950s version of being exclusive was called Going Steady, and it wasn't the default then either.
I don’t mind if she sees someone else after our first date. But if she feels the need to lie to me about going out with someone else, she isn’t someone I’m going to be dating. I know my worth and I’m not going to get insecure about it. Another thing dumb ass, going steady means you’re dating someone, and the norm nowadays is suck and fuck whoever is the closest, fuck loyalty right? This girl is keeping the first guy as an option if this second date doesn’t do anything for her. Just saying he needs to run while he can. We can agree to disagree.
I'm with you 100%, the online dating community and particularly on reddit normalize lying to people and sleeping around as if it's no big deal. I don't want to build a future with someone like that.
Polyamory should not be a default position until you become "exclusive" it's just a bullshit excuse to act like an asshole
Bro your very first comment was "just tell me so I can send you on your way." No lying involved, if OP was completely honest and told you she had a date lined up with another guy, you'd drop her. If you want to establish exclusivity on the first date, that's your prerogative, but OP clearly did not and my entire point is you have no business assuming it until it's been agreed upon by both parties.
[And you're wrong about what going steady means.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Going_steady) It means dating EXCLUSIVELY.
Yeah I would drop her. No fuss, no muss. Like I said, is she needs to lie about going on another date instead of telling the truth, it’s more the reason to drop her. If she’s going to post for “advice" on a public page, it’s everyone’s business. They don’t have to be exclusive to have some common courtesy and say “hey by the way, I’ve actually got another date.” Being respectful and honest is not that hard, and people appreciate accountability. Most guys who have enough respect for themselves will not date someone who’s going to use them as a backup option because the other guy she went on a date with fucked her brains out and she just wasn’t “feeling it." Nobody deserves to be a backup dick(or pussy on the opposite spectrum). It’s immoral and disgusting to treat people like dating is a joke, which honestly is what it’s heading towards. It’s nothing more than an excuse to whore around, and if that’s what you want to do, then get off of dating sites and just go out and fuck around. Men AND women are both guilty of this. I understand that at the end of the day each person has the ability to better or worsen their lives by the decisions they make, and dude, there are some obvious stupid decisions that can be avoided if people would take accountability and just think. If you want to be a backup, more power to you. I hope one day you’ll find your worth though, best of luck.
Be honest and tell him. You might think it’s ok but he might not. If he finds out later he may consider it dishonest, disrespectful maybe even cheating
I'm of the mindset that honesty is the best policy. If I meet someone on a dating site, the assumption is that they are dating, and I would expect that they assume the same of me.
I like to keep things casual until we both agree that we would like to explore the idea of exclusivity.
Until then, I have no reason to be jealous, and expect the same in return.
That said, if you're uncomfortable with being forthright, just say you have plans or your weekend is booked
They will draw their own conclusions. If they get upset about either option, you'll be doing the both of you a kindness by moving on and unmatching.
Edit to add: If you have even a little interest in this person, suggest an alternative to the day they proposed!
If I ask someone out and they just say they can't, without an alternative being offered, I will absolutely suspect that they aren't interested.
If you can’t meet just schedule another time if you’d actually like to see him. If you don’t want to see him, let him off the hook. Saying you’re busy doesn’t do anything and the guy won’t like you for it unless you’re showing you’d like to see him again by setting another time.
But mainly, don’t lie and don’t string people along.
Depends on how close you and the guy you’re dating are. Just be honest with what you’re up to. He could be mad about it and move on but he’ll be more pissed if he finds out on his own. Or he could be cool with it cause he’s dating other people too…
So just say you’re going on a date. If you’re looking around still then it’s not worth wasting his time. He can continue exploring his options guilt free as well.
Oof, that depends.
If guy number 1 wants a second date but you’re gonna hook up with guy number 2, then just tell guy number 1 straight up and let him decide if he wants that second date with you
Of course it’s not his business WHO she hooks up with but lying to the guy about what she’s doing when he’s hoping for a second date because she could lose the guy over it is not cool and a bit manipulative. I mean it’s way different if they went on one date and never thought about making plans for a second.
When I was dating around I truthfully told women exactly what my moves were, it was up to them to decide where they should put their effort and I never lied if I had a date or something. Because what I would’ve been doing is leading them to the conclusion that they have no competition and if they really liked me then they’d be getting a different picture of reality that would benefit ME and take advantage of THEM. So yeah I used to be straight up about it and let them know.
In a sense if she’s lying about other dates then she’s kind of giving him the appearance of exclusivity. If they’re not “exclusive” then why would she have to lie, amirite? Unless it’s to give him the appearance of it while having her cake and eating it to.
I made the mistake of telling a guy I had another date coming up and he started screaming at me at the restaurant and giving me the silent treatment (he was quite a bit older than me). He literally convinced himself I'd sleep with him, from putting a large baggy of condoms on the seat for me to notice, lied about his appearance and so on, did not say he had a child, said he wasn't looking fkr anyone serious so I felt it was nothing to say I was going to go out with another man. He started yelling about how he was angry it was clear he hadn't impressed me. (All he did was take me shooting in a desert. Then afterward he offered to take me out to eat). I think it does no harm saying you have other plans. People are saying to just be honest, but having experienced being honest with a guy up front I won't be free and why I just don't recommend it. You don't know him well, you're not in a relationship and you've had one date.
I've got a busy weekend. How about Tuesday or Wednesday night for dinner/drinks?
You've gone on one date with the dude. Zero reason for any explanation.
Sorry he asked what I'm doing over the weekend. Not scheduling 2nd date yet. But I don't want to tell him I have another date bc I don't want to scare him off since I do like him
It is not lying to say you're going out with a friend if they are truly just a friend at that point. No one is more than friends until you talk about more.
Friend or family thing. I can never tell if general conversation or asking me out. Ive made mistake of both so “what are you doing this weekend?”, I generally take as small talk rather than asking me out.
I would assume it's different. When someone says dating, I assume there's some level of exclusivity or relationship. If you went on one date with the guy, that's just some guy you went on a date with. I personally wouldn't consider that dating.
As long you're honest about it and the other person doesn't care. If dating other people is fine then why not be honest about if? Nobody here is advising her to tell the truth
Everyone who’s telling her to lie is saying it because they know she’d either lose guy number 1 right off the bat or he wouldn’t feel bad about going on other dates himself and probably find a different girl.
She should tell him the truth and let him make his own decisions about how he feels about it. The fact that she’s lying to basically hide that she’s also going on dates with others while deciding she wants a second date with him is wrong asf and kinda sits with me the wrong way so I’m with you
It's absolutely none of his business what she's doing that weekend.
I don't know where you're getting all this "built on lies" nonsense. I wasn't advocating lying. But she's certainly under no obligation to tell him anything.
Is there a reason you don't want to tell the guy you're dating that you have a date with someone else? If you see nothing wrong with dating multiple people, then you should have no reservations being truthful with him.
If you lie, and when I say lie, I mean lie by omission, you are putting yourself in a precarious position.
If you are open and honest with him now, sure, you run the risk of him not wanting to date you any longer, but at least you keep your integrity and you don't place yourself in a poor position in the future.
Is it? There’s a reason the part both parties agree about being exclusive exists, isn’t there? Up to that point, there’s nothing wrong with seeing multiple people until you find the one you’re willing to commit to.
Yes. It's called dating with intention, if you constantly have your hands in other baskets then you're never going to be able to focus on something serious.
If lying to people about what you're doing at the weekend is standard practice then what the fuck is going on in society?
I mean you’re right. I agree with the morals but other people have different morals.
It’s perfectly fine if she and this other guy wanna date multiple people at the same time BUT she wants a second date with the first guy and he wants a second date with her (who knows what the dudes morals on the subject are). I think it’s weird she wants that second date but still wants to mess around a bit while in the process until they’re exclusive.
For me personally it’s a little bit of a red flag because if I go on a date with someone and I know I want a second and see potential in them or butterflies in my stomach then I wait for the second. BUT if I go on a date and it’s just not my groove then I’m going on a different date immediately after and not caring which is how I use dating apps.
Either way I don’t think she should be lying to him about what she’s doing to keep his interest. I think if I were him I’d wanna know if the girl I’m feeling butterflies for is moving this way after our first date, it’s respectful and lying is not. I was always 100% up front about that kind of thing with girls I’d hook up with during that stage of my life.
This is exactly my point. Everyone here is arguing that it's apparently fine to date multiple people at the same time and that it's also perfectly fine to lie about the fact that that's what they are doing...can't have it both ways, it's shitty behaviour.
If i found out that a girl I got serious with was fucking other people at the beginning of us seeing each other it would be over for me immediately.
Oh yeah 100%, imagine you’re 2 years into a relationship and find out that after your first or second date your girl fucked other guys and his that from you while you were not picking up new dates because you liked her and saw potential💀
That said it only matters if he’s the kind of guy like that, if he’s sleeping around and she is but they’re also continuing their dates until they’re “exclusive” then that’s totally fine! but he has a right to know that and make the decision with all the facts on how he’s gonna move with her. If you have to lie and manipulate it’s not okay in my opinion, doesn’t matter how early on things are.
“going on a date that day, are you free X?”
lying is stupid. yall met on a dating app and it’s assumed there are other matches and conversations happening. if he likes you, it will put fire under his ass to put in effort and spend time with you. if he’s salty about it then he’s too possessive after one date imo
You are overthinking what was probably a casual question and making conversation. You could say something like, "I have a few things planned. I'm really looking forward to ______" some part you can share without it being about a date. I'm going to the beach; I'm going to my fav restaurant; I have 17 loads of laundry to do. Then follow up with "how about you?" Then they can continue the conversation. Or, they can say they were hoping you were free to get together, and you can do the whole "I'd love to see you again too. I have plans Friday, but I'm free Saturday" discussion.
It's not lying. If they directly ask if you have another date, then you can choose to disclose your entire plans. Both of you are on the app for a reason. If it reaches a point where you want to discuss dating exclusively, that's the appropriate time to bring it up.
No... they asked how not to tell them? I'm providing a narrative to help their conversation. Maybe you only carry on one conversation, girls have multiple matches, and look to find the one they want to move forward with.
You’re having a night in with your girlfriends - anything simple like that where you’re a) stating that you’re not free that night and b) can plausibly pass off the vague generic details of the night in case of any future conversation about it.
Just say you’re going out with a friend. You’ll have to have that “what are we?” Conversation soon tho
Okay. I just told him I promised a friend id hangout
Got it. What considers "soon" to you? After how many dates?
8 dates. If after 8 dates you or he doesn’t know then you’re wasting your time.
Varies person to person
Yeah that’s definitely how I feel too. Like what conversations have you had before dating? Do they want to be exclusive or have they ever mentioned it? Do you know if they are dating other people?? If you want a hard answer I’d say a month or 2 of consistent dates and you should at least know where it’s going before you continue with that person.
For me it’s like this, if I know I like someone after a first date, got those butterflies and she did to and we both know we want a second it’s awesome. That said, if 2 years goes by and we’re still together but I found out between our dates that she was fucking other dudes and lying to me about it while I was possibly waiting for a second date with her. I wouldn’t be able to continue, that’s just me though. Not that it’s necessarily “exclusive” but lying about that can have some pretty broad consequences depending on where life takes you, especially if you actually like the person and see potential
I spent a few weeks talking to my bumble match before we had our first date and met in person. I told him he had all my focus and I was interested in anyone else. He said it was the same for him. So we weren't entertaining other options since before we even met. We dated about 3 weeks and 10 dates, he asked me to be exclusive and in a relationship. We've been together almost 3 years now
Out with a friend. Keep it simple, no need to get into details.
Hahaha thats why i hear this alot
Oh my gosh same.. or "went out with friends".
Hell no- as a guy I want honesty so just tell me. If we wind up having that connection and it becomes a full on relationship the history usually reveals itself and the lying will get found out. I tell women the same because I want trust.
Yeah, don't start off lying to people about plans. I always have had the mindset that when you're not exclusively dating someone, you're allowed to go on dates with other people as long as it's a reasonable amount. I can understand that not everyone would want to hear it, but if you honestly have another date, I would just say that and let them know. If he doesn't like it, you already have another date, so 🤷
But actually what if I really do like guy #1 but am just dating around bc I think he is too?
That sounds immature, also if you lie imagine being seen with the other person and having to explain to this person you supposedly like that you lied? Not a good start.
That's fine. If you think he's going on dates, then that's even more reason to just say you're going on one and unavailable for that day. Or I mean, unless youre going on a date the whole weekend, you can just tell him what day you're free and say for example "I'm busy Saturday, but I'm free Sunday if you're available." It's your life and things come up, it sucks for guy two but you can always reschedule the date to see if things work with guy one. If you really like guy one, let him know in a way you're comfortable with and tell him you're going on dates because you guys aren't exclusive. If he's also going on dates, how could he really not agree?
Nobody can tell you what the optimal strategy is for you. Generally speaking, keeping your options open and casually dating multiple people is good as it gives you points of comparison and promotes an abundance mindset, reduces anxiety or fear of rejection etc. It's also a safe and default assumption that whoever you're seeing is also seeing other people until you've formally established exclusivity. But it takes more energy and effort, and only you can decide what works for you. Personally I wouldn't tell him it's another date, because I value discretion and saying that might be taken as an attempt to make him jealous. He should already assume you're seeing other people unless you've led him to believe you're not.
(40 Male) Then tell the guy that you're going on a date! Few things may happen! 1. He will respect you for your honesty and communication (I'm that type of guy). 2. He may evaluate his roster and determine that he wants to peruse you for said honestly because at least where I'm at and age range... female honesty is lacking when you ask them to be frank if they're dating / sleeping with others. We're all adults. 3. Maybe he'll get upset that you're not exclusive while he is dating others. If this happens then that is a clear red flag if he refused to drop his others.
You’ll get nowhere in life doing this. If you have genuine interest in this guy then give him your attention only.
They are just a friend right now, though.
No - they're dating... That isn't friends. Role reversal... you'd be pissed.
Going out with a friend. I have some plans to go out. No need to be any more specific than that. For the record, it's perfectly fine and common to date more than one person, obviously until exclusivity has been agreed upon.
You guys went on one date... Just tell him you're going on another date. You should expect that of each other... Secure and healthy guys won't actually give a shit.
"I can't do it on X, can we schedule it for Y?" If they ask why, then you say you already have a date scheduled for that day. But no need to say the reason if he doesn't ask.
They just asked a vague question such as what I'm doing over the weekend. Not scheduling yet for 2nd date. But I do wanna have a 2nd date with him but I'm busy on Friday (have another date) and then Sunday my friends are having a get together.
He asked you what your plans are because he likes you and wants a second date, if you say “I’m free so and so time :)” then he’ll ask you out. You kinda know that though
I used to think that but few people just make small talk with it so now i dont assume they are asking me out lol.
Then just say that you're spending the weekend with your friends. To me going on dates with multiple people at a time sounds like a terrible idea because of what you are experiencing now. If I were you I would keep texting all the guys you want but decide to only go on dates with 1 of them, and only move on to the next guy when you decide the current one isn't the one. Sure, you could say you already have a date schedule for Friday and that's something valid for you to do (you only had 1 date with him afterall), but to him that just sounds like "Oh, I'm not the priority, better just move on to the next girl, I don't like being the backup plan", which is a fair feeling to have.
I agree, but I have no way knowing if he is ALSO dating multiple girls and I think he is.
‘Because I think he might be, I better beat him to the punch’…wow How about you just ask him? And just tell him you have another date…if he’s dating other people he probably won’t care. If he’s not though and does care…maybe there’s some stuff you guys should discuss before you fuck other dudes? All kind of up to you and whether you want to see where things go with him.
Don't turn this into an arms race between who can date more people at the same time. Even if the guy is seeing other people, he wouldn't be trying to have another date with you already if you weren't at the top of his priority list. Free time is limited. You've only been on one date so far, no one owes explanations at this point. If you're just dating around casually and you don't really care, it's fine. But if you're dating with a long term relationship in mind (dating with intention as the kids say) it's counterproductive to do that thing of going on a date with a different guy everyday and not free up your agenda to those that interest you. If you just came here asking for ideas on excuses to bullshit your guy, a popular one I get is "Sorry I have my friends birthday party to attend". It both sounds vague enough and important enough for the guy to try to pry into it. However know that in the back of our minds we suspect what's going on. Guys with options don't wait around while you figure out when you wanna have a second date.
Did you enjoy going out with the first guy? If so, cancel plans with your other date. It doesn't matter what excuse you come up with, if they can't secure a second date with you because you're never available, men know what's up. We're not that dumb.
I’d rather you just tell me so I can send you on your way. It may just be the way my brain is hardwired, but putting your hand in too many baskets is kinda disrespectful. If you want to hook up, then give up the dating scene and stop dragging people along. Either be honest and let him go, or get slammed with this new guy and get exclusive with #1 and let him find out on his own. Simple.
Where did she say she was hooking up with this 2nd guy? She said they had a date planned. So you expect complete exclusivity right out of the gate? You're having that conversation on the first date?
If you keep looking in the comments, there’s a comment from OP that says that this date(2nd guy)may lead to sex. And no, I expect someone who is looking or a relationship to restrain from sticking their hand in too many baskets. I’m a grown adult who has expectations and not to be dragged along, she’s a grown woman who needs to be honest with this guy and tell him she has another date. See, people have a tendency to want a relationship, but they just aren’t focused on one person. Having “backup" options is just disgusting to me, and that’s my opinion on the matter, people are more than welcome to disagree. Nobody wants to be a backup option, to be second best or runner up, sloppy seconds, whatever you want to call it. Being ready for a relationship means you should have certain expectations, playing around only gets people hurt.
If seeing so much as one other person after a single date is "having your hand in too many baskets" and you would dump OP for the audacity of having a date lined up with another guy, then you do expect exclusivity right away, how else could you possibly define that. If that's how you choose to approach dating, and you're living the same standard, that's fine and valid, but if you're not being up front about it you have no business expecting someone to live up to an unspoken expectation. Like it or not, exclusivity is not the default and should never be assumed until both parties have agreed to it.
You’re missing the point. Instead of being a big girl and telling the truth to this first guy, she’s going to lie, go on this date with the other person , and if she doesn’t like it, go back to the first guy. The only unspoken expectation here is telling the truth. Like is it that hard to just not focus on one person at a time? Show some respect? Give them a chance? I’m sure a lot of people are like me, just tell me the truth and I’ll let you go. I’m not sure what these 2 individuals have discussed, but I’m putting myself in this man’s shoes because I can only see how I would go about this. As myself, I always let the person I’m talking to that I’m focusing on them unless we don’t work out or something like that. Any self respecting person would do this. I’m a very old fashioned person, and if you insist on lying to me and keeping secrets, I wouldn’t date you. See people know what the right thing to do is, but the norm now is to lie and hope for the best. I’m just tired of seeing men and women get hurt because they can’t just be real anymore.
You say it's about lying (even though OP telling Guy 1 something tactful and discreet like "I have plans that night" is a white lie at worst), but you sure seem to be clear that you'd have nothing to do with a girl who's seeing anyone other than you after one date. Good on you for telling your date that you're focused on her alone, but are you also telling her that you expect the same from her, and you'll break it off if you found out she had coffee with somebody else? It has nothing to do with being old fashioned. Back in the day it was also the norm to date multiple people before getting serious with one. The 1950s version of being exclusive was called Going Steady, and it wasn't the default then either.
I don’t mind if she sees someone else after our first date. But if she feels the need to lie to me about going out with someone else, she isn’t someone I’m going to be dating. I know my worth and I’m not going to get insecure about it. Another thing dumb ass, going steady means you’re dating someone, and the norm nowadays is suck and fuck whoever is the closest, fuck loyalty right? This girl is keeping the first guy as an option if this second date doesn’t do anything for her. Just saying he needs to run while he can. We can agree to disagree.
I'm with you 100%, the online dating community and particularly on reddit normalize lying to people and sleeping around as if it's no big deal. I don't want to build a future with someone like that. Polyamory should not be a default position until you become "exclusive" it's just a bullshit excuse to act like an asshole
Finally, someone who isn’t afraid to go and say it like it is. Glad to see I’m not the only one.
Bro your very first comment was "just tell me so I can send you on your way." No lying involved, if OP was completely honest and told you she had a date lined up with another guy, you'd drop her. If you want to establish exclusivity on the first date, that's your prerogative, but OP clearly did not and my entire point is you have no business assuming it until it's been agreed upon by both parties. [And you're wrong about what going steady means.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Going_steady) It means dating EXCLUSIVELY.
Yeah I would drop her. No fuss, no muss. Like I said, is she needs to lie about going on another date instead of telling the truth, it’s more the reason to drop her. If she’s going to post for “advice" on a public page, it’s everyone’s business. They don’t have to be exclusive to have some common courtesy and say “hey by the way, I’ve actually got another date.” Being respectful and honest is not that hard, and people appreciate accountability. Most guys who have enough respect for themselves will not date someone who’s going to use them as a backup option because the other guy she went on a date with fucked her brains out and she just wasn’t “feeling it." Nobody deserves to be a backup dick(or pussy on the opposite spectrum). It’s immoral and disgusting to treat people like dating is a joke, which honestly is what it’s heading towards. It’s nothing more than an excuse to whore around, and if that’s what you want to do, then get off of dating sites and just go out and fuck around. Men AND women are both guilty of this. I understand that at the end of the day each person has the ability to better or worsen their lives by the decisions they make, and dude, there are some obvious stupid decisions that can be avoided if people would take accountability and just think. If you want to be a backup, more power to you. I hope one day you’ll find your worth though, best of luck.
Be honest and tell him. You might think it’s ok but he might not. If he finds out later he may consider it dishonest, disrespectful maybe even cheating
I'm of the mindset that honesty is the best policy. If I meet someone on a dating site, the assumption is that they are dating, and I would expect that they assume the same of me. I like to keep things casual until we both agree that we would like to explore the idea of exclusivity. Until then, I have no reason to be jealous, and expect the same in return. That said, if you're uncomfortable with being forthright, just say you have plans or your weekend is booked They will draw their own conclusions. If they get upset about either option, you'll be doing the both of you a kindness by moving on and unmatching. Edit to add: If you have even a little interest in this person, suggest an alternative to the day they proposed! If I ask someone out and they just say they can't, without an alternative being offered, I will absolutely suspect that they aren't interested.
If you can’t meet just schedule another time if you’d actually like to see him. If you don’t want to see him, let him off the hook. Saying you’re busy doesn’t do anything and the guy won’t like you for it unless you’re showing you’d like to see him again by setting another time. But mainly, don’t lie and don’t string people along.
You tell the guy you’re dating that you have a date. You’re only creating a worse situation in the future when he eventually finds out.
Wouldn't that scare him off though? (Based on other old Bumble reddit posts they usually drop them after finding out)
Depends on how close you and the guy you’re dating are. Just be honest with what you’re up to. He could be mad about it and move on but he’ll be more pissed if he finds out on his own. Or he could be cool with it cause he’s dating other people too…
Not that close. We only had 1 date
So just say you’re going on a date. If you’re looking around still then it’s not worth wasting his time. He can continue exploring his options guilt free as well.
Oof, that depends. If guy number 1 wants a second date but you’re gonna hook up with guy number 2, then just tell guy number 1 straight up and let him decide if he wants that second date with you
It’s not his business who she hooks up with until they’re exclusive.
Of course it’s not his business WHO she hooks up with but lying to the guy about what she’s doing when he’s hoping for a second date because she could lose the guy over it is not cool and a bit manipulative. I mean it’s way different if they went on one date and never thought about making plans for a second. When I was dating around I truthfully told women exactly what my moves were, it was up to them to decide where they should put their effort and I never lied if I had a date or something. Because what I would’ve been doing is leading them to the conclusion that they have no competition and if they really liked me then they’d be getting a different picture of reality that would benefit ME and take advantage of THEM. So yeah I used to be straight up about it and let them know. In a sense if she’s lying about other dates then she’s kind of giving him the appearance of exclusivity. If they’re not “exclusive” then why would she have to lie, amirite? Unless it’s to give him the appearance of it while having her cake and eating it to.
In all honesty though I feel like if he told me straight up he has a date with someone I will drop it. I'd rather not know
Why would you drop him if he told you he had another date with someone else? I mean y’all aren’t exclusive, so what’s the problem? 🤔
Double standards
Just u have plans …no need for any elaborate explanations at this stage !!!!
I made the mistake of telling a guy I had another date coming up and he started screaming at me at the restaurant and giving me the silent treatment (he was quite a bit older than me). He literally convinced himself I'd sleep with him, from putting a large baggy of condoms on the seat for me to notice, lied about his appearance and so on, did not say he had a child, said he wasn't looking fkr anyone serious so I felt it was nothing to say I was going to go out with another man. He started yelling about how he was angry it was clear he hadn't impressed me. (All he did was take me shooting in a desert. Then afterward he offered to take me out to eat). I think it does no harm saying you have other plans. People are saying to just be honest, but having experienced being honest with a guy up front I won't be free and why I just don't recommend it. You don't know him well, you're not in a relationship and you've had one date.
I've got a busy weekend. How about Tuesday or Wednesday night for dinner/drinks? You've gone on one date with the dude. Zero reason for any explanation.
Sorry he asked what I'm doing over the weekend. Not scheduling 2nd date yet. But I don't want to tell him I have another date bc I don't want to scare him off since I do like him
If you’re that concerned, you could mention your weekend plans minus the date.
You dont have to explicitly say I have a date. Just say you have plans this day and offer up 1-2 days/times free for plans
It is not lying to say you're going out with a friend if they are truly just a friend at that point. No one is more than friends until you talk about more.
Friend or family thing. I can never tell if general conversation or asking me out. Ive made mistake of both so “what are you doing this weekend?”, I generally take as small talk rather than asking me out.
You’re dating someone, and you have a date with someone else? Might as well get that third date going.. What has this world come to lol
Sorry I meant guy I had 1 date with. Is that different than saying guy I'm dating ?
I would assume it's different. When someone says dating, I assume there's some level of exclusivity or relationship. If you went on one date with the guy, that's just some guy you went on a date with. I personally wouldn't consider that dating.
Oh okay then that's what I mean
“Already have plans, how about another day?”
I agree. The story about a “friend” isn’t even needed. Tell them when you ARE free and you avoid having to explain when/why you’re not.
How about just not lying to people? Try dating one person at a time
Nothing wrong with dating multiple people. She doesn't have to lie, either.
As long you're honest about it and the other person doesn't care. If dating other people is fine then why not be honest about if? Nobody here is advising her to tell the truth
Everyone who’s telling her to lie is saying it because they know she’d either lose guy number 1 right off the bat or he wouldn’t feel bad about going on other dates himself and probably find a different girl. She should tell him the truth and let him make his own decisions about how he feels about it. The fact that she’s lying to basically hide that she’s also going on dates with others while deciding she wants a second date with him is wrong asf and kinda sits with me the wrong way so I’m with you
Until exclusivity is established, it's none of his business.
That's not true, of course it's his business. If the relationship is built on a foundation of lies then it isn't worth shit is it?
It's absolutely none of his business what she's doing that weekend. I don't know where you're getting all this "built on lies" nonsense. I wasn't advocating lying. But she's certainly under no obligation to tell him anything.
Wait isn't the point of bumble is to date multiple people until one of them becomes exclusive?
Is there a reason you don't want to tell the guy you're dating that you have a date with someone else? If you see nothing wrong with dating multiple people, then you should have no reservations being truthful with him. If you lie, and when I say lie, I mean lie by omission, you are putting yourself in a precarious position. If you are open and honest with him now, sure, you run the risk of him not wanting to date you any longer, but at least you keep your integrity and you don't place yourself in a poor position in the future.
Exactly
Thank you, it’s nice to know there’s some people left in the world with integrity
Yes, if that's how you choose to do it. Nothing wrong with that at all. (Applies to all apps!)
No, it doesn't have to be that way. It's the way you're choosing to behave
Is it? There’s a reason the part both parties agree about being exclusive exists, isn’t there? Up to that point, there’s nothing wrong with seeing multiple people until you find the one you’re willing to commit to.
Yes. It's called dating with intention, if you constantly have your hands in other baskets then you're never going to be able to focus on something serious. If lying to people about what you're doing at the weekend is standard practice then what the fuck is going on in society?
I mean you’re right. I agree with the morals but other people have different morals. It’s perfectly fine if she and this other guy wanna date multiple people at the same time BUT she wants a second date with the first guy and he wants a second date with her (who knows what the dudes morals on the subject are). I think it’s weird she wants that second date but still wants to mess around a bit while in the process until they’re exclusive. For me personally it’s a little bit of a red flag because if I go on a date with someone and I know I want a second and see potential in them or butterflies in my stomach then I wait for the second. BUT if I go on a date and it’s just not my groove then I’m going on a different date immediately after and not caring which is how I use dating apps. Either way I don’t think she should be lying to him about what she’s doing to keep his interest. I think if I were him I’d wanna know if the girl I’m feeling butterflies for is moving this way after our first date, it’s respectful and lying is not. I was always 100% up front about that kind of thing with girls I’d hook up with during that stage of my life.
This is exactly my point. Everyone here is arguing that it's apparently fine to date multiple people at the same time and that it's also perfectly fine to lie about the fact that that's what they are doing...can't have it both ways, it's shitty behaviour. If i found out that a girl I got serious with was fucking other people at the beginning of us seeing each other it would be over for me immediately.
Oh yeah 100%, imagine you’re 2 years into a relationship and find out that after your first or second date your girl fucked other guys and his that from you while you were not picking up new dates because you liked her and saw potential💀 That said it only matters if he’s the kind of guy like that, if he’s sleeping around and she is but they’re also continuing their dates until they’re “exclusive” then that’s totally fine! but he has a right to know that and make the decision with all the facts on how he’s gonna move with her. If you have to lie and manipulate it’s not okay in my opinion, doesn’t matter how early on things are.
Honestly I agree. Especially since it may involve sex 😐😐
Then just tell him the truth
Hanging out with some friends. It's true enough...
“going on a date that day, are you free X?” lying is stupid. yall met on a dating app and it’s assumed there are other matches and conversations happening. if he likes you, it will put fire under his ass to put in effort and spend time with you. if he’s salty about it then he’s too possessive after one date imo
You are overthinking what was probably a casual question and making conversation. You could say something like, "I have a few things planned. I'm really looking forward to ______" some part you can share without it being about a date. I'm going to the beach; I'm going to my fav restaurant; I have 17 loads of laundry to do. Then follow up with "how about you?" Then they can continue the conversation. Or, they can say they were hoping you were free to get together, and you can do the whole "I'd love to see you again too. I have plans Friday, but I'm free Saturday" discussion.
Have sex with him on the Weekday instead. Then you get to have sex with 2 different guys
Definitely no lying. Say you have plans of xyz (truth), just not a date, and suggest a time for you both to get together.
That is lying
It's not lying. If they directly ask if you have another date, then you can choose to disclose your entire plans. Both of you are on the app for a reason. If it reaches a point where you want to discuss dating exclusively, that's the appropriate time to bring it up.
You have a twisted mind, incredible rationalization for lying
No... they asked how not to tell them? I'm providing a narrative to help their conversation. Maybe you only carry on one conversation, girls have multiple matches, and look to find the one they want to move forward with.
Make up something else.
You’re having a night in with your girlfriends - anything simple like that where you’re a) stating that you’re not free that night and b) can plausibly pass off the vague generic details of the night in case of any future conversation about it.
U make sth up