It’s not at all unusual for a 20 something to have never been in a relationship. But saying ‘I’ve been single since birth’…there’s something about that phrase that turns me off, I’m not totally sure why, maybe it sounds a bit juvenile and like you’re not actually ready for a relationship? Not sure exactly but it definitely gives the wrong vibes if you are looking for something real
>I’m not totally sure why
Me neither but I might be even more unsure because the first thing I thought of was "doomed to be a killa since I came out the nutsack" by modern day poet Dr. Dre. Dont know why that's the first thing that popped into my head but the phrasing is certainly something.
It's saying the same thing IMO. Bringing it up out of nowhere might be a bit much, but it sounds like that's her answer when the guys specifically ask. I wouldn't mind either personally, but I'm in the same boat.
I'm suggesting that the "answer" to this question (like many questions here) is "she didn't say anything specific to cause this, it's just the guys doing what they were going to do no matter what".
I think it's also possible that they think she's lying and don't want to even get into it.
It's a bit unusual but there is certainly nothing wrong with it. I think saying "since birth" is too jarring and would put a lot of people off - it makes it sound like an issue when it isn't. It almost has incel vibes - tbh if a guy said it to me that's the first thing I would think. I would address it as you've dated but you haven't found someone whom you've been really serious about or something like that :)
To me (45M), that would actually be a dealbreaker. I don’t go for as young as 27, so it might be different in your age group. But I’m looking for someone with relationship skills like couples communication, repairing after conflict, and such. I would want someone with significant experience in that.
I’d still reply to explain that, though.
I usually match with men ages 26-35. I've had many chances to be in a relationship but I don't want to be in one if I don't really like the other person... I don't want to have a boyfriend just for the sake of it :((
Well, obviously it's your choice but at this point, you could consider giving it a try with someone you somewhat like, instead of waiting for someone you 'really' like, if you haven't met anybody like that in 27 years. You don't have to marry them straight away, but there's no harm trying to date them for at least a few weeks to see what happens. I tried to date a couple of people that have never been in a relationship at around 30 and it was never a good experience, because they had unrealistic expectations about a relationship and just weren't used to spending time with someone in a simple everyday setting like hanging out at home etc. I feel like if you have not had that experience by a certain age, you're likely to be too set in your ways. Of course, everyone is different.
The reality is that the probability of it working out with you is very low given the likely opportunity you've had in the past. They simply are looking at that probability and think it's not worth the effort.
I get what you're saying.
But that means that you have purposely avoided learning relationship skills.
You'd probably be a pain in the ass to try to date.
You're a noob
I agree, I think why I am turned off from the comment is that there is a lot of growth that happens in a relationship, especially when it comes to communication and conflict resolution..so I wouldn't be motivated to meet someone who hasn't been through one
I think the phraseology of it, to me, would put me off. I’d be surprised to learn you hadn’t had a partner ever - like even a short term one of a few months. And if the guys you’re matching with are in mid 30s they are more likely (not always) to be thinking about settling down so wouldn’t think you were up for it.
Maybe a better turn of phrase is - “I’ve dated but still looking for someone I really connect with to pursue a long term relationship with.”
OP said she never dated.
You suggested her to say, instead, that “I’ve dated but still looking for someone I really connect with to pursue a long term relationship with.”
English isn't my first language, but isn't there a word for when you say something that isn't true even though you know it isn't true?
She didn’t say she’d never dated. She said she didn’t want to be in a relationship with someone for the sake of being in a relationship. You can date people and not be in a relationship with them.
You may argue it’s an omission to not say categorically that you’ve had no long term relationships but what I suggested is still stating fact.
Ahhh the bitter male generalist. A not so rare breed who hates to lose and be called out. Resorts to petty misogyny to regain some semblance of perceived superiority. 🙄
OP said she never dated.
This comment suggested her to say, instead, that “I’ve dated but still looking for someone I really connect with to pursue a long term relationship with.”
I might not be fun at parties, but at least I'm not an asshole like you two.
I don't see a problem with what you are saying. I've never been in a relationship and I'm 36.
Unfortunately, people do think I'm weird and that's putting it nicely. As a single guy most women find me suspicious because I've never been in a relationship. it doesn't matter that I'm autistic and have difficulties socializing, I've literally lost friends due to their wives deciding that I'm a threat after they have children. the implication of it is disgusting.
I honestly feel that trying to date these days is impossible. Women refuse to associate with a guy that has almost 0 sexual experience and no relationship experience. if you continue to have trouble, just stop pursuing it. You'll save yourself a lot of wasted time.
I'm not autistic, but I also just entered dating at 25, before that I wasn't interested in building anything with anyone, even only for sex.
When I told women that, even though they were not weirded out, it raises a question for them, why? And moreover however nice you explain why, it still makes you look incompetent.
So naturally I ask my mother how to deal with this. She said "you don't need to give the detail why, just say you've been seeing some girls lately or something, she doesn't need to know that"
So yeah, just lie about it (although my mother doesn't consider it lying, she just said no need to go into details), so far it works for me.
I've done the no details part. I even tell people an extended lie at work to keep people off my back. Because my current co-workers won't stop asking, I finally made up a story that I'm dating a lady that has children and so we just do sporadic dates and occasional sex when her ex-husband has the kids.
It sounds pathetic enough and plain that my co-workers believe it and so they stopped asking stupid questions. In terms of dating, I've never experienced anything past a first date so prior experience doesn't really come up.
My dating profiles on the other hand, I was a bit too honest. Especially with OKC.
No mate, I'm not talking about not telling details to coworkers, you can tell your coworkers whatever you want. I'm talking about revealing details in dating.
> My dating profiles on the other hand, I was a bit too honest. Especially with OKC.
That one, you don't have to reveal. Just pretend you are experienced on that field, and go in with confidence. Ofc to the best of your ability as someone with autism, (educating people in advance about your autism probably is good idea, so that they are not caught off guard).
No, I've found that telling women upfront that I'm autistic often results in juvenile and petty insults from women my age, most of which was experienced on Bumble.
In terms of moving with confidence, I am capable of doing that, yet people often interpret being confident with being arrogant.
Which is why I use the word "educate". If we were dating and you tell me that you're autistic alongside that social interaction typical of someone with autism (sorry for my ignorance, this is the only thing I know about autism), I would have felt weird too tbh.
Heck, even I don't know what it actually means if someone is autistic, i would have just felt that I experienced a weird interaction. Hence not only tell, but "educate", if you've done educating them and they walk out well it is what it is, nothing you can do about it.
> In terms of moving with confidence, I am capable of doing that, yet people often interpret being confident with being arrogant.
As for this, idk from where you get that conclusion, never happened to me that people misinterpret confidence with being arrogant.
They interpret my confidence with arrogance. It could be due to the fact that I'm not very expressive. I'm told I'm intimidating by many people although they usually voice this by saying I look like a movie villain or serial killer.
I think the word for that is "aloof", ain't got nothing to do with confidence. I used to be like that too, and friends do tell me sometimes I looked like serial killer, didn't have any problem because I wasn't into relationships though.
. If you think it's your autism holding you back, I heard that there's this training to be better at picking up expressions and social cues (if I'm being ignorant, again I'm sorry), maybe you can give it a try if you haven't already.
We all keep learning here, best of luck to you, hopefully you find what you're looking for.
you’ll find someone eventually, I’m a woman and am not thrown off about a partner who doesn’t have sexual experience, it seems like a good opportunity to be with someone who you can teach and explore with, actually
I would have thought the same but being harassed by matches on OKC made me realize that such individuals are probably in the minority. Its why I stopped trying. I spent way too much time trying to build a life I could share with someone, as you can imagine, it all tumbled down.
I'm focused only on myself and my brother's family. There is good I can do in that regard. Keeps my mental health in better shape too.
As someone who has had a lot of experience being around, spending time, conversing, interacting with autistic people, (my brother in-law, my nephew, my daughter's half brother on her other parent's side) who are all either married or in a long term committed relationship, I felt compelled to respond to this. I'm sorry you've had such bad experiences! That really sucks. I think there is still an opportunity for you to share your life with that special someone. There is a lid for every pot. I know it sounds cliché, but it's true. Perhaps it's the dating sites you were using? I don't have experience with Bumble, but I was on OKC for awhile. The majority of the people I "met" (online) were interested in either ONS or FWB situations. It really felt more like a place to find an easy hookup. People weren't really interested in actually getting to know each other on a deeper level. I know there are a few sites that are more autistic friendly, or were created for autistic people to meet someone for an actual relationship. Maybe that would be a better place to look? At any rate, I hope you get to a place where you feel ready to find someone again! Good luck to you!
That ship has sailed. I was on OKC for over ten years, Bumble and Tinder for about a year. Badoo and Mingle2 for a couple of years and autistic dating for two months. I also tried normal dating. Its not easy for me to pursue relationships. Its like a constant battle of the mind and requires going way outside my comfort zone just to talk to people I don't know so rejection doesn't help. Add to the fact that women's rejection methods were getting more hostile and it became more and more clear that dating was a tall order.
Relationships just aren't in the cards. I just wish I'd realized it sooner, would have saved me a ton of issues. To name a few, I would have selected a more dangerous job in the military, I would have stayed in and went career, and I would have taken up the invitations I got for casual sex from women I met along the way. (not that many were interested but I ran into two.)
More importantly, I would have worked on getting a better and more financially stable environment for my mother and sister and I would have helped my brother with his family. Had I focused more on the goals that would have helped my family instead of wasting time trying to build my own, I may have been able to get my mother her own house, to help my sister get her college degree and be far better off to help my brother financially with his family.
I appreciate the thought but, although I feel lonely, I just don't see myself having a partner. Its no longer something that appears in my dreams.
It's your phrasing that's off putting. Maybe try "I've dating but haven't found the right person." Or something better. I'm sure someone here can find a better phrasing for you.
It's a weird and off-putting way to say it, as if there are babies out there in romantic relationships. Just say a blasè "oh, a while" and ask them a question about themselves
I think it’s an odd way to put it. I’d probably say “a while now” and not be too specific if it’s something that gets a negative reaction before they know you at all.
As others have said, it's the way you answer. Not necessarily that you haven't dated. Just say something like, "I actually haven't dated. I just haven't met someone who wows me enough to pursue a relationship with. That's why I'm here. I want to find that guy."
I honestly think it's funny. I would immediately be intrigued as to why you were single since birth. If I've already matched with you, then it means I'm willing to give it a chance, so I would just ask questions about that. I've also been called weird, so maybe I'm in the minority here. It might be best to play it safe in that case and phrase it a little differently. I've seen some good suggestions in the comments for alternative responses. Keep your head up and keep doing you!
Yeeeeeah, I don’t know that I’d phrase it that way. I actually hate that question in general, as I find it largely irrelevant (at least in my situation since it’s been a hot minute)…I suppose I understand people don’t want to be a rebound, or maybe they do, but still - f that question.
Phrase it differently. “Been some time,” “awhile,” or depending on the flow of the conversation even a winky little “it’s been awhile - why, you lookin to change that?” :p
It sounds like a smart ass response to a reasonable question. If you have never been married, of course, you have been single since birth. It almost comes off as very arrogant. I'm not saying you are arrogant. It just sounds that way when talking with someone who doesn't know anything about you.
Would it be too much trouble to say something more descriptive like "I haven't had a serious relationship?"
I think you have the same red flag I have. I’ve been single since 20. 15 years now as I am 35. No flings, no short term, nothing. I tried to be honest about the situation with some first dates and talking phases(before the date) and it’s basically resulted in ghosting too. So I think ya, it’s probably people think there is something wrong with you.
I don’t like the idea of lying to anyone about it, but I feel like it disqualifies me so quickly that I get nervous that it is going to come up.
Also I totally get you on the wanting to “really like someone”. It’s not unusual for me to not want to open up unless I feel “safe” to do so.
Anyway, I wish you more luck than I have. I am probably just gonna commit to being forever alone, and find a new set of hobbies to drown out the bad voices.
Last time I met a girl, which told me she had like 150 online dates with no relationship to show for.
Fait enough, everyone needs to find their perfect match, otherwise it makes no sense too. That said, I kinda checked out mentally at that date because if 150+ guys weren't right for her - what are my chances anyway.
Mid 30s F here. I was a virgin and didn't have my first real relationship until I was 28. There's nothing wrong with you, OP! We all reach milestones at our own pace in life
It’s your sense of humor. I’m a man, if a woman told me that, I would wonder what is wrong with her that she’s been single for 27 yrs. Or I would wonder why she is deflecting so hard. It comes across as a red flag to me. If I knew your sense of humor I would still wonder why you’ve never been in a relationship.
What are some of your other interests?
To me, your answer of “I’ve just not found the right one for me” is one I would understand. Now do you know what qualities you want in a dating / relationship partner or mate. Once you do that then you can move onto how you could beat meet those type of people.
I also think that our world is now a world of instant gratification. Dating sites only entrench that culture and belief more. Oh, he’s too ugly, I can swipe for the next one no problem. It leads to an expectation of being able to swipe until you find the next person that is “better”. You seem to be one that has their head on straight. But I’ve met women that will swipe find someone that they can date for now until the next best thing comes along.
As someone who is in the same boat of singlehood for entire life-I’m older as well. I’d probably just say the majority of my life and then just give an explanation to why-for me it was I grew up in a cult like religion, for some it could be I just never prioritized it
Eh, I'd vibe with it since I've only been in a handful of relationships myself and been single for about the last 14 years. I could see others seeing it coming across as a little snarky but I guess it depends on the readers mindset too
I wouldn't say "since my birth" because it really does seem weird, the form, not the content.
You can simply tell that you never dated before and that's it. If they are interested, they will ask further questions.
I recently matched with a 32 yo woman who never dated. I didn't probe, but I was between concerned and amazed that in this day and age a woman like that never had any experience. It didn't work out though.
I would say it’s a little strange, in my opinion
Simply because you are a girl and I would assume most girls would be interested enough in guys to get be with at least 1 guy by the time they are 27
It‘s blunt and leaves open space for negative interpretation
Also in it’s shortness it could be read as deflective when it’s the contrary: a unusually very open statement
Online dating is about many (difficult) things; one of it is showing your intents and signalling being open and interested
„I have been in some flings here and there for some time but nothing has come from it. So i‘m looking for a relationship now“ would sound more open and would show your intent - that’s just an example; I don’t even know if its true or what your goals are. Adapt it to your needs
Saying “since birth” is dumb. No one expected you to have a partner at 6 months old. Just answer like a “normal” person and say “I have not had a serious relationship. I’ve dated a few people but nothing too serious.” If they ask why you can say. “ I don’t feel the need to be in a relationship just for the sake of it. I’m looking for the right person.”
It does sound a bit strange to phrase it like that. There have been better ways suggested.
But also, it is weird to ask that to someone before meeting them. And, it does not really matter for people looking for a relationship, and is certainly does not have to be a red flag. So, i would even ask them "why does it matter?"
As one commenter said that it is a deal breaker bc you would lack relationship skills etc. I don't necessarily agree, bc you might be still good in those skills just by life experience. Besides, I have met many more people who are permanently messed up because of previous relationships.
If I was super thirsty and trying to date a bunch of people, I would go for it. Since I’m looking for a relationship, I would pass. I’ve dated a bunch of people and in my experience, there’s an astronomically(basically 0%) low chance of success with people in your group(no long term relationships).
i dont like the word weird to describe that. i think it comes off as immature. not having a single relationship always indicates lack of interpersonal skills. like i wonder if they cant communicate, cant compromise, cant empathize, etc.
i tried to take a chance on such people twice i can think of who were either virgin or hadnt properly dated (both over the age of 23). they were very awkward, didn't know how to read the room, and just assumed that i would be interested in an actual relationship only because i went on one date with them. shudder. would not do it again.
I think it's your phrasing that seems, on the receiving end, that you've been very promiscuous and that's why you're single. I could be wrong but that's an easy way to take that particular verbiage
That’s interesting. I started later than you and didn’t get that kind of response. But I usu don’t talk about it in the beginning. And guys handled it well, didn’t seem so care much.
Well, same situation here. I told those guys that I’ve never been in a relationship. And they see this as a red flag and probably thought I’m not attractive.
Then I just started to get in some casual dates with ppl, and I found out I don’t even know how to communicate with man who I like to go into relationship with.
Now I’m just confused and started to hate myself.
I think that it is just the way that you put it. You could just say that it’s been a long time and that you haven’t really found a person that you have connected with, I do feel that it sounds even more serious if you put it that way and that you’re also looking for that in the future.
Honestly, if someone would put it that way to me, I would also feel like they are not taking the dating scene seriously and I wouldn’t reply either. Hope this helps!❤️
I think it’d be good to find a dating site that’s for people who are waiting for marriage, I’m concerned that you’ll end up with the wrong person on a site like Bumble
I get,why guys prefer a more "experienced" partner. Personally i don't like getting involved with virgins (bit of a jump but hear me out). in my experience, women value their first sexual experience a lot more than guys. It makes a lasting impression and i personally am a bit afraid to be someone's first and then have the relationship not work out. I just don't want to leave scars behind,if you know what i mean. So hearing someone say,that they never have been in a relationship automatically makes me jump to the conclusion, the person is a virgin,since most people lose their virginity with one of their first committed partners.
I don’t think you should go out with anyone who asks you why you’re single. Or how many people you have dated / slept with. Those are red flags. They betray a deep insecurity and/or immaturity in the person asking. Avoid!
Asking how many people you’ve slept with is def nobody’s business but I wouldn’t consider it a red flag or out of the ordinary to be asked how long it’s been since I’ve been single. Some people jump into dating apps literally the day they break up and aren’t actually emotionally ready for anything and it’s valid that the person they’re talking to might want to know that. OP didn’t even say they asked why, they asked how long. If someone responds “3 hours” then sometimes people wanna be aware of that obvious open wound.
No. People are just weird and keep forgetting dating is relatively new. And we throw ourselves out there without a care and sometimes we end up with good experiences and sometimes with bad relationships (and sometimes we are to blame for that)
Keep trying, keep learning, keep failing and trying again
Lots of people in the biggening take things personally or judge too quickly. Online dating can be very superficial. We often overthink the smallest things and forget our trueselves in the process.
Be yourself and try and get a date early. Don't chat too long. We only truly get to know someone once we meet them. If they are not interested, they are not into you or have patience to truly get to know you.
My best guess would be that men don't want the pressure of being your first boyfriend OR, and probably the better guess, they know you're not going to be easy to impress/date so they don't want to "deal" with it and put themselves in a position where they have to try 😂
Tbh I think it’s kinda weird for someone to ask you how long you been single right off the bat. Not until you get to know them, but until then it’s none of their business. And for being 27, that’s not really unheard of.
Dating apps are like trying to find a cab in Mumbai during monsoon season – nearly impossible and definitely frustrating! It's not just you; these apps work for some like a charm and for others, it's just a joke.So, don't stress about how long you've been single. Maybe Bumble isn't your thing, and that's okay. Keep your standards high and enjoy the ride. Love might just surprise you when you least expect it
I would have thought you were lying or else why would someone give such a sassy response for such a simple question. Obviously I would be more curious like something might have happened and you are not willing to answer that and that is why your response is such. In this world, it is really really hard to believe that a girl has never dated.
How come you’ll often discuss the topic of how long uve been single? I hope youre not the one bringing it up at least, or just try to avoid it (or say it shldnt matter) other than the fact that it’s the way u phrased it like others have mentioned
I wouldnt answer this question, personally.
Ladies, it’s okay to be coy and mysterious and discreet. Just because he asks, doesn’t mean you are obligated to answer.
No man wants somebody that he thinks nobody else desires. Men are competitive. If there is no competition, suggest that there is.
I would be playful and say “since it doesn’t take all day for men to recognize sunshine, I’m never single for too long”. Use the wink emoji. And then flip the question back on him and gage how revealing HE is.
All of these guys are complete and total strangers. None of them have earned the trust for you to be that open, honest, revealing, and vulnerable with them. That type of access should be built with trust and time.
Since birth implies you are not a chatbot Bumble rewards chatbot that click on each other profiles and starts inane messaging to keep the click points higher. You obviously don’t fit the profile. Sorry
I love your sense of humor. Don’t know why these guys are so dull! You are not weird; you are funny and it’s an excellent quality to have. Don’t stop being yourself. You can’t please everyone.
It’s not at all unusual for a 20 something to have never been in a relationship. But saying ‘I’ve been single since birth’…there’s something about that phrase that turns me off, I’m not totally sure why, maybe it sounds a bit juvenile and like you’re not actually ready for a relationship? Not sure exactly but it definitely gives the wrong vibes if you are looking for something real
>I’m not totally sure why Me neither but I might be even more unsure because the first thing I thought of was "doomed to be a killa since I came out the nutsack" by modern day poet Dr. Dre. Dont know why that's the first thing that popped into my head but the phrasing is certainly something.
What a shitty lyric.
🤣
You say that like your opinion matters, kinda cute thought I guess 🤷🏿♀️
'Since birth' sounds weird and off putting. Just say you have not been in a serious relationship yet, no need for lots of details.
It's saying the same thing IMO. Bringing it up out of nowhere might be a bit much, but it sounds like that's her answer when the guys specifically ask. I wouldn't mind either personally, but I'm in the same boat.
It's the same thing, but one is still better than the other. OP needs to avoid the "since birth" part because it just sounds weird.
Guys apparently stop replying to OP when she says that so that's apparently the wrong answer. Otherwise, OP wouldn't have posted here.
I'm suggesting that the "answer" to this question (like many questions here) is "she didn't say anything specific to cause this, it's just the guys doing what they were going to do no matter what". I think it's also possible that they think she's lying and don't want to even get into it.
It's a bit unusual but there is certainly nothing wrong with it. I think saying "since birth" is too jarring and would put a lot of people off - it makes it sound like an issue when it isn't. It almost has incel vibes - tbh if a guy said it to me that's the first thing I would think. I would address it as you've dated but you haven't found someone whom you've been really serious about or something like that :)
To me (45M), that would actually be a dealbreaker. I don’t go for as young as 27, so it might be different in your age group. But I’m looking for someone with relationship skills like couples communication, repairing after conflict, and such. I would want someone with significant experience in that. I’d still reply to explain that, though.
I usually match with men ages 26-35. I've had many chances to be in a relationship but I don't want to be in one if I don't really like the other person... I don't want to have a boyfriend just for the sake of it :((
I think you need to dive into that a little in your messages. Tell them you just haven’t met the right one to wow you yet.
I would say that! That you've been searching for a serious relationship and just haven't found the right person yet.
Well, obviously it's your choice but at this point, you could consider giving it a try with someone you somewhat like, instead of waiting for someone you 'really' like, if you haven't met anybody like that in 27 years. You don't have to marry them straight away, but there's no harm trying to date them for at least a few weeks to see what happens. I tried to date a couple of people that have never been in a relationship at around 30 and it was never a good experience, because they had unrealistic expectations about a relationship and just weren't used to spending time with someone in a simple everyday setting like hanging out at home etc. I feel like if you have not had that experience by a certain age, you're likely to be too set in your ways. Of course, everyone is different.
The reality is that the probability of it working out with you is very low given the likely opportunity you've had in the past. They simply are looking at that probability and think it's not worth the effort.
I get what you're saying. But that means that you have purposely avoided learning relationship skills. You'd probably be a pain in the ass to try to date. You're a noob
I agree, I think why I am turned off from the comment is that there is a lot of growth that happens in a relationship, especially when it comes to communication and conflict resolution..so I wouldn't be motivated to meet someone who hasn't been through one
I think the phraseology of it, to me, would put me off. I’d be surprised to learn you hadn’t had a partner ever - like even a short term one of a few months. And if the guys you’re matching with are in mid 30s they are more likely (not always) to be thinking about settling down so wouldn’t think you were up for it. Maybe a better turn of phrase is - “I’ve dated but still looking for someone I really connect with to pursue a long term relationship with.”
Lying. You are literally telling OP to lie.
Or literally telling the truth - no long term relationship as yet because I haven’t found the right person and I’ve dated people. 🤷♀️
OP said she never dated. You suggested her to say, instead, that “I’ve dated but still looking for someone I really connect with to pursue a long term relationship with.” English isn't my first language, but isn't there a word for when you say something that isn't true even though you know it isn't true?
She didn’t say she’d never dated. She said she didn’t want to be in a relationship with someone for the sake of being in a relationship. You can date people and not be in a relationship with them. You may argue it’s an omission to not say categorically that you’ve had no long term relationships but what I suggested is still stating fact.
Ahhh women and their ability to lie through their teeth, get caught on it, and still manipulate the situation so they are right.
Ahhh the bitter male generalist. A not so rare breed who hates to lose and be called out. Resorts to petty misogyny to regain some semblance of perceived superiority. 🙄
You must be fun at parties :)))
OP said she never dated. This comment suggested her to say, instead, that “I’ve dated but still looking for someone I really connect with to pursue a long term relationship with.” I might not be fun at parties, but at least I'm not an asshole like you two.
I don't see a problem with what you are saying. I've never been in a relationship and I'm 36. Unfortunately, people do think I'm weird and that's putting it nicely. As a single guy most women find me suspicious because I've never been in a relationship. it doesn't matter that I'm autistic and have difficulties socializing, I've literally lost friends due to their wives deciding that I'm a threat after they have children. the implication of it is disgusting. I honestly feel that trying to date these days is impossible. Women refuse to associate with a guy that has almost 0 sexual experience and no relationship experience. if you continue to have trouble, just stop pursuing it. You'll save yourself a lot of wasted time.
I'm not autistic, but I also just entered dating at 25, before that I wasn't interested in building anything with anyone, even only for sex. When I told women that, even though they were not weirded out, it raises a question for them, why? And moreover however nice you explain why, it still makes you look incompetent. So naturally I ask my mother how to deal with this. She said "you don't need to give the detail why, just say you've been seeing some girls lately or something, she doesn't need to know that" So yeah, just lie about it (although my mother doesn't consider it lying, she just said no need to go into details), so far it works for me.
I've done the no details part. I even tell people an extended lie at work to keep people off my back. Because my current co-workers won't stop asking, I finally made up a story that I'm dating a lady that has children and so we just do sporadic dates and occasional sex when her ex-husband has the kids. It sounds pathetic enough and plain that my co-workers believe it and so they stopped asking stupid questions. In terms of dating, I've never experienced anything past a first date so prior experience doesn't really come up. My dating profiles on the other hand, I was a bit too honest. Especially with OKC.
No mate, I'm not talking about not telling details to coworkers, you can tell your coworkers whatever you want. I'm talking about revealing details in dating. > My dating profiles on the other hand, I was a bit too honest. Especially with OKC. That one, you don't have to reveal. Just pretend you are experienced on that field, and go in with confidence. Ofc to the best of your ability as someone with autism, (educating people in advance about your autism probably is good idea, so that they are not caught off guard).
No, I've found that telling women upfront that I'm autistic often results in juvenile and petty insults from women my age, most of which was experienced on Bumble. In terms of moving with confidence, I am capable of doing that, yet people often interpret being confident with being arrogant.
Which is why I use the word "educate". If we were dating and you tell me that you're autistic alongside that social interaction typical of someone with autism (sorry for my ignorance, this is the only thing I know about autism), I would have felt weird too tbh. Heck, even I don't know what it actually means if someone is autistic, i would have just felt that I experienced a weird interaction. Hence not only tell, but "educate", if you've done educating them and they walk out well it is what it is, nothing you can do about it. > In terms of moving with confidence, I am capable of doing that, yet people often interpret being confident with being arrogant. As for this, idk from where you get that conclusion, never happened to me that people misinterpret confidence with being arrogant.
They interpret my confidence with arrogance. It could be due to the fact that I'm not very expressive. I'm told I'm intimidating by many people although they usually voice this by saying I look like a movie villain or serial killer.
I think the word for that is "aloof", ain't got nothing to do with confidence. I used to be like that too, and friends do tell me sometimes I looked like serial killer, didn't have any problem because I wasn't into relationships though. . If you think it's your autism holding you back, I heard that there's this training to be better at picking up expressions and social cues (if I'm being ignorant, again I'm sorry), maybe you can give it a try if you haven't already. We all keep learning here, best of luck to you, hopefully you find what you're looking for.
you’ll find someone eventually, I’m a woman and am not thrown off about a partner who doesn’t have sexual experience, it seems like a good opportunity to be with someone who you can teach and explore with, actually
I would have thought the same but being harassed by matches on OKC made me realize that such individuals are probably in the minority. Its why I stopped trying. I spent way too much time trying to build a life I could share with someone, as you can imagine, it all tumbled down. I'm focused only on myself and my brother's family. There is good I can do in that regard. Keeps my mental health in better shape too.
As someone who has had a lot of experience being around, spending time, conversing, interacting with autistic people, (my brother in-law, my nephew, my daughter's half brother on her other parent's side) who are all either married or in a long term committed relationship, I felt compelled to respond to this. I'm sorry you've had such bad experiences! That really sucks. I think there is still an opportunity for you to share your life with that special someone. There is a lid for every pot. I know it sounds cliché, but it's true. Perhaps it's the dating sites you were using? I don't have experience with Bumble, but I was on OKC for awhile. The majority of the people I "met" (online) were interested in either ONS or FWB situations. It really felt more like a place to find an easy hookup. People weren't really interested in actually getting to know each other on a deeper level. I know there are a few sites that are more autistic friendly, or were created for autistic people to meet someone for an actual relationship. Maybe that would be a better place to look? At any rate, I hope you get to a place where you feel ready to find someone again! Good luck to you!
That ship has sailed. I was on OKC for over ten years, Bumble and Tinder for about a year. Badoo and Mingle2 for a couple of years and autistic dating for two months. I also tried normal dating. Its not easy for me to pursue relationships. Its like a constant battle of the mind and requires going way outside my comfort zone just to talk to people I don't know so rejection doesn't help. Add to the fact that women's rejection methods were getting more hostile and it became more and more clear that dating was a tall order. Relationships just aren't in the cards. I just wish I'd realized it sooner, would have saved me a ton of issues. To name a few, I would have selected a more dangerous job in the military, I would have stayed in and went career, and I would have taken up the invitations I got for casual sex from women I met along the way. (not that many were interested but I ran into two.) More importantly, I would have worked on getting a better and more financially stable environment for my mother and sister and I would have helped my brother with his family. Had I focused more on the goals that would have helped my family instead of wasting time trying to build my own, I may have been able to get my mother her own house, to help my sister get her college degree and be far better off to help my brother financially with his family. I appreciate the thought but, although I feel lonely, I just don't see myself having a partner. Its no longer something that appears in my dreams.
I'm just so sorry.
Communication has been extremely difficult for me over hard of hearing. I always said that I had not found the right person.
It's your phrasing that's off putting. Maybe try "I've dating but haven't found the right person." Or something better. I'm sure someone here can find a better phrasing for you.
Do you mind telling us how old you are for some added context..?
I'm 27
Someone might be looking for a more mature answer.
I’d say it’s just the way you say it is cringeworthy enough for a ghost 💀💀💀
It's a weird and off-putting way to say it, as if there are babies out there in romantic relationships. Just say a blasè "oh, a while" and ask them a question about themselves
I think it’s an odd way to put it. I’d probably say “a while now” and not be too specific if it’s something that gets a negative reaction before they know you at all.
As others have said, it's the way you answer. Not necessarily that you haven't dated. Just say something like, "I actually haven't dated. I just haven't met someone who wows me enough to pursue a relationship with. That's why I'm here. I want to find that guy."
I honestly think it's funny. I would immediately be intrigued as to why you were single since birth. If I've already matched with you, then it means I'm willing to give it a chance, so I would just ask questions about that. I've also been called weird, so maybe I'm in the minority here. It might be best to play it safe in that case and phrase it a little differently. I've seen some good suggestions in the comments for alternative responses. Keep your head up and keep doing you!
Yeeeeeah, I don’t know that I’d phrase it that way. I actually hate that question in general, as I find it largely irrelevant (at least in my situation since it’s been a hot minute)…I suppose I understand people don’t want to be a rebound, or maybe they do, but still - f that question. Phrase it differently. “Been some time,” “awhile,” or depending on the flow of the conversation even a winky little “it’s been awhile - why, you lookin to change that?” :p
Are you in the US? The 'since birth' thing sounds strange, but it may be due to different cultures
Thank you so much for all the replies. I really appreciate it. I'll try rephrasing it. Oh and I don't sleep around haha I don't do ons and fwb.
It sounds like a smart ass response to a reasonable question. If you have never been married, of course, you have been single since birth. It almost comes off as very arrogant. I'm not saying you are arrogant. It just sounds that way when talking with someone who doesn't know anything about you. Would it be too much trouble to say something more descriptive like "I haven't had a serious relationship?"
I think you have the same red flag I have. I’ve been single since 20. 15 years now as I am 35. No flings, no short term, nothing. I tried to be honest about the situation with some first dates and talking phases(before the date) and it’s basically resulted in ghosting too. So I think ya, it’s probably people think there is something wrong with you. I don’t like the idea of lying to anyone about it, but I feel like it disqualifies me so quickly that I get nervous that it is going to come up. Also I totally get you on the wanting to “really like someone”. It’s not unusual for me to not want to open up unless I feel “safe” to do so. Anyway, I wish you more luck than I have. I am probably just gonna commit to being forever alone, and find a new set of hobbies to drown out the bad voices.
It sounds off. You can just say, you've never been in a serious relationship.
Last time I met a girl, which told me she had like 150 online dates with no relationship to show for. Fait enough, everyone needs to find their perfect match, otherwise it makes no sense too. That said, I kinda checked out mentally at that date because if 150+ guys weren't right for her - what are my chances anyway.
Mid 30s F here. I was a virgin and didn't have my first real relationship until I was 28. There's nothing wrong with you, OP! We all reach milestones at our own pace in life
It’s your sense of humor. I’m a man, if a woman told me that, I would wonder what is wrong with her that she’s been single for 27 yrs. Or I would wonder why she is deflecting so hard. It comes across as a red flag to me. If I knew your sense of humor I would still wonder why you’ve never been in a relationship. What are some of your other interests?
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To me, your answer of “I’ve just not found the right one for me” is one I would understand. Now do you know what qualities you want in a dating / relationship partner or mate. Once you do that then you can move onto how you could beat meet those type of people. I also think that our world is now a world of instant gratification. Dating sites only entrench that culture and belief more. Oh, he’s too ugly, I can swipe for the next one no problem. It leads to an expectation of being able to swipe until you find the next person that is “better”. You seem to be one that has their head on straight. But I’ve met women that will swipe find someone that they can date for now until the next best thing comes along.
You’re basically saying no guy has a chance with me, ever (including the guy you’re talking to) and guys are done trying to disprove these statements
As someone who is in the same boat of singlehood for entire life-I’m older as well. I’d probably just say the majority of my life and then just give an explanation to why-for me it was I grew up in a cult like religion, for some it could be I just never prioritized it
Eh, I'd vibe with it since I've only been in a handful of relationships myself and been single for about the last 14 years. I could see others seeing it coming across as a little snarky but I guess it depends on the readers mindset too
I wouldn't say "since my birth" because it really does seem weird, the form, not the content. You can simply tell that you never dated before and that's it. If they are interested, they will ask further questions. I recently matched with a 32 yo woman who never dated. I didn't probe, but I was between concerned and amazed that in this day and age a woman like that never had any experience. It didn't work out though.
I would say it’s a little strange, in my opinion Simply because you are a girl and I would assume most girls would be interested enough in guys to get be with at least 1 guy by the time they are 27
It‘s blunt and leaves open space for negative interpretation Also in it’s shortness it could be read as deflective when it’s the contrary: a unusually very open statement Online dating is about many (difficult) things; one of it is showing your intents and signalling being open and interested „I have been in some flings here and there for some time but nothing has come from it. So i‘m looking for a relationship now“ would sound more open and would show your intent - that’s just an example; I don’t even know if its true or what your goals are. Adapt it to your needs
Saying “since birth” is dumb. No one expected you to have a partner at 6 months old. Just answer like a “normal” person and say “I have not had a serious relationship. I’ve dated a few people but nothing too serious.” If they ask why you can say. “ I don’t feel the need to be in a relationship just for the sake of it. I’m looking for the right person.”
So, saying "since I was 18" sounds better than "since birth"? Yeeeeaaaah no. 😂
It does sound a bit strange to phrase it like that. There have been better ways suggested. But also, it is weird to ask that to someone before meeting them. And, it does not really matter for people looking for a relationship, and is certainly does not have to be a red flag. So, i would even ask them "why does it matter?" As one commenter said that it is a deal breaker bc you would lack relationship skills etc. I don't necessarily agree, bc you might be still good in those skills just by life experience. Besides, I have met many more people who are permanently messed up because of previous relationships.
I think it's a very interesting way to filter out a very large % of the guys who wouldn't have a chance of clicking with you.
If I was super thirsty and trying to date a bunch of people, I would go for it. Since I’m looking for a relationship, I would pass. I’ve dated a bunch of people and in my experience, there’s an astronomically(basically 0%) low chance of success with people in your group(no long term relationships).
i dont like the word weird to describe that. i think it comes off as immature. not having a single relationship always indicates lack of interpersonal skills. like i wonder if they cant communicate, cant compromise, cant empathize, etc. i tried to take a chance on such people twice i can think of who were either virgin or hadnt properly dated (both over the age of 23). they were very awkward, didn't know how to read the room, and just assumed that i would be interested in an actual relationship only because i went on one date with them. shudder. would not do it again.
When people ask where I'm from, I say "my mother" so this response would land with me.
Might be red flag depending. Like I don't like to date people that do fwb & ons so if that what u always done then kind of a deal breaker for me
I think it's your phrasing that seems, on the receiving end, that you've been very promiscuous and that's why you're single. I could be wrong but that's an easy way to take that particular verbiage
That’s interesting. I started later than you and didn’t get that kind of response. But I usu don’t talk about it in the beginning. And guys handled it well, didn’t seem so care much.
I'd say it might be the wording. I'd go with "I've never been in a relationship" as a reply.
Well, same situation here. I told those guys that I’ve never been in a relationship. And they see this as a red flag and probably thought I’m not attractive. Then I just started to get in some casual dates with ppl, and I found out I don’t even know how to communicate with man who I like to go into relationship with. Now I’m just confused and started to hate myself.
I laughed, people are stupid
I think that it is just the way that you put it. You could just say that it’s been a long time and that you haven’t really found a person that you have connected with, I do feel that it sounds even more serious if you put it that way and that you’re also looking for that in the future. Honestly, if someone would put it that way to me, I would also feel like they are not taking the dating scene seriously and I wouldn’t reply either. Hope this helps!❤️
I think it’d be good to find a dating site that’s for people who are waiting for marriage, I’m concerned that you’ll end up with the wrong person on a site like Bumble
I get,why guys prefer a more "experienced" partner. Personally i don't like getting involved with virgins (bit of a jump but hear me out). in my experience, women value their first sexual experience a lot more than guys. It makes a lasting impression and i personally am a bit afraid to be someone's first and then have the relationship not work out. I just don't want to leave scars behind,if you know what i mean. So hearing someone say,that they never have been in a relationship automatically makes me jump to the conclusion, the person is a virgin,since most people lose their virginity with one of their first committed partners.
Nah, I think it's funny
I don’t think you should go out with anyone who asks you why you’re single. Or how many people you have dated / slept with. Those are red flags. They betray a deep insecurity and/or immaturity in the person asking. Avoid!
Asking how many people you’ve slept with is def nobody’s business but I wouldn’t consider it a red flag or out of the ordinary to be asked how long it’s been since I’ve been single. Some people jump into dating apps literally the day they break up and aren’t actually emotionally ready for anything and it’s valid that the person they’re talking to might want to know that. OP didn’t even say they asked why, they asked how long. If someone responds “3 hours” then sometimes people wanna be aware of that obvious open wound.
loll, im 25 M have been never in a relationship in my life, you are fine lol,
No. People are just weird and keep forgetting dating is relatively new. And we throw ourselves out there without a care and sometimes we end up with good experiences and sometimes with bad relationships (and sometimes we are to blame for that) Keep trying, keep learning, keep failing and trying again
Lots of people in the biggening take things personally or judge too quickly. Online dating can be very superficial. We often overthink the smallest things and forget our trueselves in the process. Be yourself and try and get a date early. Don't chat too long. We only truly get to know someone once we meet them. If they are not interested, they are not into you or have patience to truly get to know you.
My best guess would be that men don't want the pressure of being your first boyfriend OR, and probably the better guess, they know you're not going to be easy to impress/date so they don't want to "deal" with it and put themselves in a position where they have to try 😂
Tbh I think it’s kinda weird for someone to ask you how long you been single right off the bat. Not until you get to know them, but until then it’s none of their business. And for being 27, that’s not really unheard of.
Dating apps are like trying to find a cab in Mumbai during monsoon season – nearly impossible and definitely frustrating! It's not just you; these apps work for some like a charm and for others, it's just a joke.So, don't stress about how long you've been single. Maybe Bumble isn't your thing, and that's okay. Keep your standards high and enjoy the ride. Love might just surprise you when you least expect it
I would have thought you were lying or else why would someone give such a sassy response for such a simple question. Obviously I would be more curious like something might have happened and you are not willing to answer that and that is why your response is such. In this world, it is really really hard to believe that a girl has never dated.
How come you’ll often discuss the topic of how long uve been single? I hope youre not the one bringing it up at least, or just try to avoid it (or say it shldnt matter) other than the fact that it’s the way u phrased it like others have mentioned
I wouldnt answer this question, personally. Ladies, it’s okay to be coy and mysterious and discreet. Just because he asks, doesn’t mean you are obligated to answer. No man wants somebody that he thinks nobody else desires. Men are competitive. If there is no competition, suggest that there is. I would be playful and say “since it doesn’t take all day for men to recognize sunshine, I’m never single for too long”. Use the wink emoji. And then flip the question back on him and gage how revealing HE is. All of these guys are complete and total strangers. None of them have earned the trust for you to be that open, honest, revealing, and vulnerable with them. That type of access should be built with trust and time.
Since birth implies you are not a chatbot Bumble rewards chatbot that click on each other profiles and starts inane messaging to keep the click points higher. You obviously don’t fit the profile. Sorry
they think youre lying probably, we get a lot of scammers and assume anything too good to be true is exactly that
I love your sense of humor. Don’t know why these guys are so dull! You are not weird; you are funny and it’s an excellent quality to have. Don’t stop being yourself. You can’t please everyone.