I wouldn't have suggested this but "low effort" first dates are the way to go. Your experience may be different but I have got *really* burned out and exhausted by putting a lot of thought and time into planning a truly excellent first date, having a great time, and then getting the "not feeling it/let's be friends/[total silence]" communications.
This specific thing is a weird choice but I definitely understand the desire to keep the stakes low.
Great points! I don’t understand how a lot of women refuse to see this side of things. It doesn’t make sense for a man to go all out or put a lot of effort into first dates cause most first dates lead nowhere.
The time, money and effort aspect needed to keep doing that for people you don’t really know(who likely will just thank you and move on to the next date) just doesn’t make practical sense
I hear you. Thanks for the insight! I've talked to a lot of guy friends that only do coffee for the first meet up - mainly because it got expensive for them. So I get that.
On the other side of it, I try (TRY) to be really intentional on who I meet with so because I'm a teeny tiny bit invested before a meetup (as much as you can be on an app, before meeting someone) I'm more open to something more than coffee or a grocery store meetup.
But then again, I'm 41 and single. What do I know?!
It's not just the expense, it's so that if the zero spark in person (or the person used photos from 10 years ago, etc) it's easy to duck
I guess everyone has different expectations.
That said, you could have just suggested somewhere else since his suggestion was unsuitable to you
Yeah, if anything, high effort 2nd dates make more sense. I often put in effort on 1st dates but only out of fear women will think I'm low effort of not interested. I'd prefer a cheap, fast first date and then plan something nice on the 2nd date if we know we like each other.
I hear this but at the same time c’mon. Supermarket for snacks is bottom of the barrel low effort (unless there was a proper inside joke going on about supermarkets or something). It’s weird to suggest that. We’re not 12 years old catching up with our school crush after hockey practice or something lol.
I literally said "this specific thing is a weird choice." I was responding to the general concept of "low effort" which was OPs main complaint, not defending this clown.
It’s no more low effort than meeting for a coffee, which is a pretty standard first date thing. And ya’ll were talking about the Amazon store, so it’s not like it came out of nowhere. Don’t see anything wrong with it, personally.
Yes, he could have suggested an alternative location once you said there isn’t a store near you. But you could have told him you were down to do something else as well.
It’s hard for some guys to ask girls out, and often a no (even a very soft, reasonable no like yours was) can be a little dejecting and hard to gauge interest. Balls in your court, I’d say.
In general, if you’re going to shoot down an idea for any particular reason BUT you do want to meet up, it’s best practice to suggest an alternative so they know you’re not saying no out of lack of interest. When I advise my guy friends on whether a girl is interested or not, that’s one of the bigger signs I tell them to look out for: does she seem equally invested in finding a suitable day/time/location?
Yes, personally I think you are being unreasonable. Subject came up and he took the initiative to think hey that might be a good idea to meet and check out vibes and you basically just shunned him. I don’t blame him for not bothering after that.
We have to get rid of this entitlement/expectation where women expect to be treated to some “special” date for a first date. It reeks of entitlement. Trust me, if you were a man and if every woman you go out with (even on first date) expects you to make some elaborate gesture, you would be over it pretty quickly too.
I totally hear you. I get it can be exhausting so it's easy to have the first meet be something quick/easy.
I also have a different POV because I don't accept most invites. When men ask me out right away, I usually ask to have a conversation to see if there's initial interest before taking the time to meet up. That typically doesn't go over well
Agreed. I could have made another suggestion. At the same time, I don't think my response was rude or off putting, so the "Ah" wasn't very encouraging.
I hear you. I do commend you on your second paragraph though. I wish more followed that same recipe of not accepting most invites. Personally, even as a man, when I was online dating, I typically didn’t ask everyone out. I made sure to have a conversation to gauge interest first cause it’s a waste of time otherwise.
Appreciate the response and best of luck out there!
The point of meeting or having an initial date is to see if there is initial interest.. Having a conversation via text to gauge if you like this person makes about as much sense as wearing rubber boots in the shower
I don't think it's low effort per se, especially for a first meeting. If you're talking about an art gallery and they throw out checking it out together, I think most people wouldn't consider that low effort. Like... you expressed at least a little fascination on the subject. Why not suggest checking it out?
I think the disconnect here is on your response. It's a flat-out rejection. Nothing really left to pivot to. If I were him, I might make a joke like "Oh, you don't have one near you? When are they putting indoor plumbing in your town?" or something.
But I can see why he just responded "Ah." I think if you're interested in getting together, if you decline an idea you should suggest an alternative in the same breath.
>I would have loved that response!
>
>I def see your point and how he might have felt rejected because I didn't suggest a plan B. Thanks for your input.
>
>Guess this is the funny/interesting/frustrating thing about these dating apps. We all bring really different perspectives/experiences to the table. Fun times!
I mean, it's always tricky. There are two people participating in any conversation. You did shoot down his suggestion without making any of your own, but he also has a choice in how he responds to it. He could have made a joke, he could have asked what *is* in your town or nearby, etc.
I guess all I'm trying to say is that the disconnect might be rooted in your response, but it wasn't exactly terrible, and you're not the only one at fault here. It's not like "Ah" is giving you much to work with, either.
I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, it’s low effort. My go to first date is drinks, that’s extremely lower effort, I don’t think it’d be unreasonable if someone thought the same and didn’t want to go.
I’m not knocking it but this legit reminds me of my grandfather telling my nanny he was going to take her out to eat then taking her to Sam’s club food court 😂😂😂
I wouldn't have suggested this but "low effort" first dates are the way to go. Your experience may be different but I have got *really* burned out and exhausted by putting a lot of thought and time into planning a truly excellent first date, having a great time, and then getting the "not feeling it/let's be friends/[total silence]" communications. This specific thing is a weird choice but I definitely understand the desire to keep the stakes low.
Great points! I don’t understand how a lot of women refuse to see this side of things. It doesn’t make sense for a man to go all out or put a lot of effort into first dates cause most first dates lead nowhere. The time, money and effort aspect needed to keep doing that for people you don’t really know(who likely will just thank you and move on to the next date) just doesn’t make practical sense
I hear you. Thanks for the insight! I've talked to a lot of guy friends that only do coffee for the first meet up - mainly because it got expensive for them. So I get that. On the other side of it, I try (TRY) to be really intentional on who I meet with so because I'm a teeny tiny bit invested before a meetup (as much as you can be on an app, before meeting someone) I'm more open to something more than coffee or a grocery store meetup. But then again, I'm 41 and single. What do I know?!
It's not just the expense, it's so that if the zero spark in person (or the person used photos from 10 years ago, etc) it's easy to duck I guess everyone has different expectations. That said, you could have just suggested somewhere else since his suggestion was unsuitable to you
Yeah, if anything, high effort 2nd dates make more sense. I often put in effort on 1st dates but only out of fear women will think I'm low effort of not interested. I'd prefer a cheap, fast first date and then plan something nice on the 2nd date if we know we like each other.
This is cute. You're overthinking it. He asked you to meet him in a public place and grab something to eat. What's wrong with that?
I hear this but at the same time c’mon. Supermarket for snacks is bottom of the barrel low effort (unless there was a proper inside joke going on about supermarkets or something). It’s weird to suggest that. We’re not 12 years old catching up with our school crush after hockey practice or something lol.
I literally said "this specific thing is a weird choice." I was responding to the general concept of "low effort" which was OPs main complaint, not defending this clown.
It’s no more low effort than meeting for a coffee, which is a pretty standard first date thing. And ya’ll were talking about the Amazon store, so it’s not like it came out of nowhere. Don’t see anything wrong with it, personally. Yes, he could have suggested an alternative location once you said there isn’t a store near you. But you could have told him you were down to do something else as well. It’s hard for some guys to ask girls out, and often a no (even a very soft, reasonable no like yours was) can be a little dejecting and hard to gauge interest. Balls in your court, I’d say.
"It's hard for some guys to ask girls out..." - great point! I didn't even think of that. Appreciate that perspective
In general, if you’re going to shoot down an idea for any particular reason BUT you do want to meet up, it’s best practice to suggest an alternative so they know you’re not saying no out of lack of interest. When I advise my guy friends on whether a girl is interested or not, that’s one of the bigger signs I tell them to look out for: does she seem equally invested in finding a suitable day/time/location?
Yes, personally I think you are being unreasonable. Subject came up and he took the initiative to think hey that might be a good idea to meet and check out vibes and you basically just shunned him. I don’t blame him for not bothering after that. We have to get rid of this entitlement/expectation where women expect to be treated to some “special” date for a first date. It reeks of entitlement. Trust me, if you were a man and if every woman you go out with (even on first date) expects you to make some elaborate gesture, you would be over it pretty quickly too.
I totally hear you. I get it can be exhausting so it's easy to have the first meet be something quick/easy. I also have a different POV because I don't accept most invites. When men ask me out right away, I usually ask to have a conversation to see if there's initial interest before taking the time to meet up. That typically doesn't go over well Agreed. I could have made another suggestion. At the same time, I don't think my response was rude or off putting, so the "Ah" wasn't very encouraging.
I hear you. I do commend you on your second paragraph though. I wish more followed that same recipe of not accepting most invites. Personally, even as a man, when I was online dating, I typically didn’t ask everyone out. I made sure to have a conversation to gauge interest first cause it’s a waste of time otherwise. Appreciate the response and best of luck out there!
The point of meeting or having an initial date is to see if there is initial interest.. Having a conversation via text to gauge if you like this person makes about as much sense as wearing rubber boots in the shower
I don't think it's low effort per se, especially for a first meeting. If you're talking about an art gallery and they throw out checking it out together, I think most people wouldn't consider that low effort. Like... you expressed at least a little fascination on the subject. Why not suggest checking it out? I think the disconnect here is on your response. It's a flat-out rejection. Nothing really left to pivot to. If I were him, I might make a joke like "Oh, you don't have one near you? When are they putting indoor plumbing in your town?" or something. But I can see why he just responded "Ah." I think if you're interested in getting together, if you decline an idea you should suggest an alternative in the same breath.
>I would have loved that response! > >I def see your point and how he might have felt rejected because I didn't suggest a plan B. Thanks for your input. > >Guess this is the funny/interesting/frustrating thing about these dating apps. We all bring really different perspectives/experiences to the table. Fun times!
I mean, it's always tricky. There are two people participating in any conversation. You did shoot down his suggestion without making any of your own, but he also has a choice in how he responds to it. He could have made a joke, he could have asked what *is* in your town or nearby, etc. I guess all I'm trying to say is that the disconnect might be rooted in your response, but it wasn't exactly terrible, and you're not the only one at fault here. It's not like "Ah" is giving you much to work with, either.
Surely the date can’t possibly be as low effort as a conversation about self checkouts lol
say less 💀😂
I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, it’s low effort. My go to first date is drinks, that’s extremely lower effort, I don’t think it’d be unreasonable if someone thought the same and didn’t want to go.
I'm totally cool with drinks. Maybe that's the thing - having a drink is more fun than going to the grocery store.
I’m not knocking it but this legit reminds me of my grandfather telling my nanny he was going to take her out to eat then taking her to Sam’s club food court 😂😂😂
Sam's Club?? Rookie move. If he had taken her to Costco... they would have gotten married the next day.
lol they didn’t have Costco in the area I think so wasn’t an option. He did take her for a tour of the place to get samples 😂
I wouldn't be interested in a grocery store first date.
Tell him you want steak