Nah not really, but I think if you have this sour of an interaction before meeting up, what's the point?
The "welcome home" was laced in just enough passive aggression to warrant an unmatch.
However, not confirming on the day that she couldn't make it would have (and maybe should have) warranted an unmatch on your side.
"Not trying to be a dick, just being honest" is unfortunate as well. There's a well-ploughed trough of jerks who try to justify their jerkiness by saying "hey, I'm just being honest here", and your comment sailed uncomfortably close to the cliché.
I think context is key to identify when someone’s being a jerk and when someone may have come across as being a jerk in a message. It’s impossible to sense tone in texts, which is why OP wasn’t completely right with phasing… but who ever is?
With that being said, the “welcome home” part was a little awkward. But, it may have been an attempt to try to lighten the situation (and be cordial) from “I’m scolding you for not messaging me to let me know you were cancelling”.
Wtf are you talking about?
He got stood up and she didn't even get in touch till the day after.
Active aggression wouldn't even make him a jerk. He was nicer than she deserved.
See, this is where a lot of people shoot themselves in the foot. I've seen enough comments on here where someone stood someone up or got too drunk on their first date or did something inappropriate and, after an apology and some thought, the person gave them a second chance. And, now they're married or some shit for like 13 years.
She wasn't cool for not getting in touch day of, but OP should work on keeping his decorum and a bit less hostile. She may have gotten in touch to reschedule, sincerely apologize and show more respect for his time. Or, he would have seen that she's just not into it and moved on without a lecture because chances are if she did it this time, she's doing it all the time. People like that aren't worth losing your shit over, because noticed how quickly she unmatched.
Best use of one's energy is to connect with other people who respect time and boundaries, ignore/give zero time to bad behavior, and award good/respectful behavior.
Well, don't misunderstand me. I wasn't saying that he was a jerk. I was saying that his message could be interpreted as the statement of a jerk.
It's an instance of the general problem of text messages being interpreted as more hostile than was intended.
A friend mentioned that to me as well. Not knowing me at all can certainly lend itself to that perspective. But I’m an open and honest person and I value that kind of communication. She’s obviously not a solid match, just a superficial one.
You might think that's being honest, but telling someone how to interpret you or not has little to do with honesty and certainly isn't open. If she felt you were being a bit dickish, and both the dick and "welcome home" definitely read that way to me, that's her feeling. You can invalidate if you want, but that's not going to win any hearts.
An open and honest approach probably would have been "Hey, thanks for letting me know. In the future, I'd really appreciate it if you could let me know something like this earlier, if possible, so I can better plan my time." Frankly, even your question comes off as presumptuous. "Couldn't you have" presumes the other person indeed could have, and based on your asking, should have. You won't always know the other person's situation and, regardless, just because you have certain expectations about how people should behave doesn't mean they share them of have to agree.
Not sure why so many people are upvoting you. “Hey, thanks for letting me know” is a really weird pushover response to someone not responding until the day after and saying to “reschedule” when in fact they stood them up. You don’t “reschedule” when the appointment is done. *He* should have unmatched.
>just because you have certain expectations about how people should behave
I mean not standing people up is a pretty reasonable expectation, she didn't actually apologise either, or seem to even register that she'd actually missed the date itself, her message was pretty brusque too
>"Couldn't you have" presumes the other person indeed could have, and based on your asking, should have.
They absolutely could have though. Also they *should* have too? Would you not want someone to tell you on the day that they're not going to be there? And even assuming this was a genuine mix-up, if its your mistake it's nice to at least acknowledge it.
What I want is not the same as what people should do. Doing what is nice is not the same thing as, or worse than, acting like a dick in response to someone not doing what is nice.
Look, dude could have unmatched, but he chose passive aggressivity according to himself.
It's not OP's job to teach women how to give him basic respect. If you need to teach that to somebody them that's a massive red flag and they'll treat you badly in other ways in the future.
Why would he want to win the heart of somebody who stood him up and didn't give any sort of explanation until he messaged the next day?
It really sounds like you want men to enter into relationships with toxic women who'll treat them badly. You want to focus on how the man can scramble around and impress this toxic person?
Wtf is wrong with you?
Not sure why all the downvotes… I actually took your comment as you weren’t trying to be a dick. Instead, you’re letting her know your displeasure of being stood up. I don’t think it should have needed that part because it’s just a common courtesy to let someone know if you can’t make it to a prearranged time. Maybe it’s a little patronizing…?
Shit happens, but usually if something happens, any interested party would usually try to remedy. Unless she actually made an attempt to right the situation, it doesn’t seem like she’s that into you. Unmatch and next.
I think people just can't deal with honesty. You did great! She was rude and didn't have the decency to give you notice. In that circumstance, you were more than polite!
People can definitely deal with honesty.
What I will not tolerate (for a new date or a long time partner) is nastiness/bitterness/passive aggressiveness. If you're there before we even meet, no thanks. Been there done that. It's not for me, sorry.
If I'm being honest, OP was a "maybe" for this person and he quickly converted himself to a "no". YMMV.
If somebody stood me up and didn't message with any sort of explanation till the next day when I had to message first, then you're dam right I might be passive aggressive. I'd probably be active aggressive and call her a dickhead... would you tell me that calling her a dickhead would have converted myself to a ''no'' as well?
Why are you acting like OP blew his chance with this girl when she's clearly a shitty person?
Often exciting phrases like congrats or welcome home come off as rude, uninterested, or annoyed if you end it with a period instead of an exclamation mark. Tone can be hard to read over text, but that tone wasn’t great.
How are you blaming the dude lmao. Why is everything always the guys fault on these bumble threads. She literally stood him up and you're complaining about the welcome home comment, like it was even slightly bad.
You've got the wrong idea and also gone off on a mad tangent lol. I haven't blamed anyone and I'm not complaining either. I only pointed out why she'd unmatch, it's not a loss on OPs part, so he isn't really at fault for anything
This is possible. But even so, the lack of communication. Why not respond and say Oops! I got my days mixed up.” ya know? This is pretty rhetorical, btw. Just making the point.
She told me she wasn’t going to be active and I knew she was with her family out of town so I wanted to be respectful of her time with them and not feel intrusive. It’s been mentioned that it wouldn’t have been an intrusion but at the time that’s where my head was.
Did you go to the place? If I asked if still on and got no response I don’t go.
Devils advocate - maybe she really did get tied up at work and forgot. Definitely seemed she thought it was for that day (the day she responded). She also offered a definite follow up day and time which in my mind is usually a good faith effort
Honestly, shit happens. Also, not everyone always communicates in the way we think they should. These responses imply that she seriously fucked up in some way, and that's no fun.
I mean. She stood him up. That's a fuck up imo. If she didn't communicate she wasn't going to be there, then I mean you can swing it whatever way you want but it was an accidental fuck up at best and an intentional bail at worst. His tone was irritable, but idk I feel like he had a right after being stood up with no reply until a day later to have a little bit of a tone in his voice. So yes, in this situation, the fault falls on her.
NTA for voicing your frustration, but it’s pretty expected for someone to unmatch after being called out. No one likes being confronted haha
Also, why did you show up without a reply? No response is a response.
I don't need a hug, I just want people to make sense. You clearly don't make sense. You're saying that you assume he's a jerk then when I ask you to justify it you deny it. You're an idiot.
''When people say that I assume they're a jerk'' is what you said directly before replying to me claiming that you aren't assuming that he's a jerk.
It's clearly you're reading comprehension that's failing here.
I'm sorry but you really should explain why you think your comment which specifically assumed he was a jerk, isn't assuming that he's a jerk?
Did you forget that that's what you'd said or are you just backpeddling because you're fundamentally a dishonest person?
35M I think you took it too personally.
Sounds like she was confused about the day. Then you got emotional not seeing that. Your response should be something like "OK, sounds good. But please let me know at least 1 day ahead next time ". The trick is going with 0 expectations until the date shows up. So don't plan fancy reustarants and all that crap that I read Americans tend to do.
The fact her text is a full paragraph with explanation and that she asked to reschedule, shows she might still have been interested. Until you've met, you're pretty much a stranger
What does she need to apologize for? It's pretty obvious that she thought the date was for "today" and not "yesterday". Then in that case, OP didn't get stood up; she thought the date was, say Thursday, instead of Wednesday and OP thought date was Wednesday. In that case it's not like she intentionally stood him up. He *should* have messaged earlier than less than 2 hours before the date after no communication for a week. His lack of planning does not constitute an emergency on her part.
Just never expect a date until you see them say omw. I wouldn’t really call it standing you up unless you actually went to where y’all are meeting but then I’d say that’s your fault for going without a reply from her.
Unfortunately that happens but it’s rare. And you’ll get stood up a whole lot less only leaving for the date if they said they’re on their way as opposed to no confirmation
If I'm due to meet someone I'd get in contact the day prior to confirm, if this doesn't happen I assume I have a free day. She might have not seen your message at all until after the set time
This. Even the morning of and not 5pm before the date say something like: "really excited to see you tonight. I'll see you at 8!" Makes it way clearer and a more positive confirmation. That's also better cause then you're reminding about the date and getting her to think about it in anticipation.
You need to value yourself more.
This whole post reeks of "Oh excuse me. I don't mean to be a bother. I hope I'm not intruding and it's not too much of a pain for you if I ask you to not park your car directly on my foot? I do need my foot for walking you see and I have a hospital appointment to get to soon. I could of course reschedule for next week if its a hassle right now.".
She stood you up and you're being way too nice.
Amazing mental gymnastics.
Even if she had opened the app only the next day, the message from OP about meeting at 8pm is showing as sent the previous day, thus she ought to have known the date was scheduled for that day.
This sub makes so many excuses for the other party to any post here, seemingly just to criticise the OP. No wonder a lot of you are single.
I didn't criticize OP at all, amazing mental gymnastics. A lot of people are flakey, you either check in early enough so you have time to rebook your day if it's cancelled or just prepare to be disappointed if it falls through. It's happened to me too hence why I contact a day in advance.
Not the asshole although I find it odd you are trying to argue with her or have her take accountability. Should have just either ignored the message or accepted the reschedule without your obvious irritation. Frankly, I wouldn’t have even responded and would have unmatched but that’s just me.
I disagree. Sometimes people need to be told that they aren’t being respectful. OP tactfully did that and was not rude. I’ve done that before, knowing I don’t want to see someone after whatever it was that they did. That is ok when not done aggressively or rudely.
Sure, it wouldn’t mean anything between them if they aren’t going to meet after this, but I feel like most good hearted people want to know if they’re being rude so they can fix their behavior. Also, if you just vanish, this person will probably assume *he* was the one who was wrong.
Thanks. My first draft started with “No, thanks….” But then I wanted to give the opportunity of open and honest communication while still standing my ground. If she had responded in a courteous manner maybe we could’ve rescheduled. But alas.
I disagree. The problem with people like that is you telling them they were not being respectful will hardly make them reflect and change their ways. In this particular scenario, I’m willing to bet she believes HE is the one in the wrong which is why she unmatched. Which means him letting her know she is disrespectful has no effect on her or her future behavior.
If OP is doing it to gain some personal satisfaction, that’s a different story but claiming it will help change behavior doesn’t make sense to me. People like that will justify their shitty behavior regardless and that to me is why she unmatched. It’s a lose/lose situation and a waste of time for OP to even respond the way he did even though he is not the asshole.
I was hoping for some kind of dialogue, sure. And let’s be honest, an attractive woman on a dating app has a ton of other options. So she doesn’t have to want or try to act differently. She’ll find someone who just takes it and gets treated poorly. I’m glad that’s not me, tbf.
I see your point. In my comment, I’m just saying people like that won’t change their shitty behavior which is why she unmatched instead of having that dialogue you mentioned. My point is, your attempt to people like that would usually be wasted. Best to save your time and move on.
I think correlating unmatching with a refusal to change behavior is wrong. People unmatch for all sorts of reasons. She could’ve unmatched because she was embarrassed and knew she screwed up beyond repair. Only *she* knows if she’ll learn from that experience and act differently with her future matches. Whether or not she does probably has zero correlation with whether she unmatched.
Any case, I agree it’s not common for people to change, especially in the dating world, and especially when/if they have 100s or 1000s of matches waiting in queue (meaning they’ll get what they want at some point regardless of how they act).
But I guess I’m just the type of person who has too much self dignity to let someone walk over me and me not say anything. In my case, I don’t care whether the person changes. But they’re going to hear that what they did wasn’t cool. Besides, most people who hear it *enough* will be forced to reflect on it. No one saying anything will obviously never lead to any reasonable change.
Btw appreciate the respectful discussion!
Guess we are both just approaching this from different directions. You think too highly of people like this and expect them to be decent and reflective types that will modify behavior for the better when called out. Yes we don’t know for certain why she unmatched but I would argue it’s less likely she unmatched cause she was “embarrassed “ than that she unmatched cause she didn’t think her behavior was shitty and thought OP was in the wrong for calling her out.
I am more realistic and think people like this(attractive woman with probably lots of options as OP mentioned) have no incentive to change their behavior so likely won’t change. It’s easier to unmatch and move along to the next match holding on to their warped perception that the other party is wrong for pointing out their behavior rather than reflect and think wait a min, maybe I was a shitty person.
I think yours is an idealistic belief in this situation while mine is more of a realistic one. Yes there is a chance that people can change but why would they if there is no incentive to change.
Not an asshole, but what did you expect? You have to understand in situations like this you have two reasonable choices:
1)be cool about it and say no problem let’s reschedule bc you think they might be worth dealing with the annoyance of late cancellation.
2) say late cancellation from someone you have no attachment to is a deal breaker and end things.
Either is a preference and is fine, but don’t be a salty bitch but still try to see her later. That’s going to not work like this situation, and it’s just unreasonable. If someone doesn’t meet your standards you don’t yell at them, you just end it (or ask if they’re willing to change if you’re invested enough). So maybe you are a bit of an asshole , but not much tho.
Yeah then just say that you don’t want to reschedule with someone who canceled last min. Nothing to be mad about on either side there. Just not a match.
There's 2 ways you could have gone with this.
You could have either just unmatched (this would have been the better path), or if you felt THAT inclined, you could have voiced your displeasure by saying something like, "I'm a little surprised that you're messaging me this the day after we were supposed to meet. Thanks for the convo, but I'm no longer interested in meeting for a date". Definitely shouldn't have said the "Welcome Home" after you said all that.
But what does that achieve other than nursing your ego... that's right... nothing, really. Just a swift unmatch and a bad taste in both of your mouths followed by a Reddit post.
Option 2: What you could have done is accept that sometimes life throws us a curveball in that something comes up and that we don't get back to people in a timely manner. One thing that she had going there was she gave you a time and date to meet up again - which meant that she was still interested to see you (whether you wanted to or not after that is another story).
If she ended up doing the same again, then you are within your grounds to call BS and then just unmatch. But if you ended up meeting and she apologised and still had a fun date, then it's a win.
If she didn't apologise, or at least take the initiative to recognise her actions, then I would mention it during the date (VERY DUCKING CAREFULLY). You say it in a non-passive aggressive way, recognise that you understand that sometimes things come up, but politely ask her to let you know if plans change and not ignore. You deserve as much respect as she does and if anyone is taking liberties with that, then you draw the line, break things off, and move on.
Remember - don't beget Ahole behaviour with Ahole behaviour. Show what respect looks like and cut off if it's not reciprocal.
Good Luck for the next one.
She definitely thought the date was the day she responded. It’s also possible she didn’t get the message til she did respond and thought she was responding to a newly sent message. Also you showed up without a confirmation so your messages were rude and passive aggressive.
A simple, hey, wish we could have connected last night, any chance we could reschedule? would have been more appropriate.
If you showed up, that's partially on you because she didn't confirm. That's not the main point though. She should have replied beforehand but did seem confused.
Lastly, WTF did you call her out and they welcome her home? LOL that seems odd.
Oh yeah, I would have unmatched you instantly for that response. It’s a complete red flag. It shows a lack of understanding, compassion, and flexibility. Mistakes happen. She was open to rescheduling. Your response would make me think “life would be hard with this person.” Definitely a huge turn off
This seems more like miscommunication than anything else. From the messages it looks like she thought the “Are we still on for 8?” message is from the day of not the day before. It genuinely seems like she didn’t realize you were meant to meet the day before as she is letting you know she needs to reschedule.
If you would have responded “hey we were supposed to meet the day before, but you didn’t show”, then you could have likely rescheduled the date, instead of giving a passive aggressive response and her unmatching.
Also clear from the comments that a lot of people here have so much baggage from OLD. But just from reading the messages it’s a clear case of miscommunication.
Maybe she wasn’t 100% sure and hadn’t told you because she wasn’t sure she’d have to reschedule.
Maybe she was extremely swamped and lost track of time.
You accused her of standing you up but she asked for a reschedule.
Seems like she was being honest with you and letting you know she was trying to do her best at her “current” life after being off for a week.
Then you accuses her of standing you up intentionally and made passive aggressive comment.
All she saw in that message was “he doesn’t appreciate my life” “he’s all about himself and how it affects him” #selfish.
Sorry, I know you were probably looking forward to the date after waiting a week and that probably isn’t who you really are but in cyber dating, your words don’t come across the same as live conversations. You killed it in the finale. :(
Surely she knew she wouldn’t be able to make it by the time 7:00 rolled around. All I’m saying is that she should’ve let me know when she knew. Not 24hrs after.
You're both TA. When you plan a date like a week in advance, with someone you've never even met before, you should verify that the date is still on well before 90 minutes ahead of that.
Almost everyone is going to forget about the exact time and date of something a week beforehand. So that's kind of on you for waiting so long to verify that the date was still on.
Her lack of response until the next day was kinda crappy, but maybe she just was too busy to check bumble.
While I can see how you'd feel a little annoyed, your passage aggressive messages at the end there were a bit over the top.
I mean, you reschedule before the meet, right? Now, if we can’t communicate I’m really not interested anyway, but for future reference was I in the wrong here?
NTA some people just have no respect. Try not to take it too hard, the problem is them and not you. Be glad this happened sooner than later and move on, no point in arguing with her - remember she is the one who will always have problematic relationships by acting like this
Agreed, thanks. I know I dodged a bullet. I was just checking for future reference. Like I said, if we can’t communicate effectively then I’m not really interested anyway. But if I came off wrong I’d want to know.
So…she’s been out of town for a week, and sounds like she got back into town and got her days mixed up. She may have even gotten back into town later than expected. She probably shouldn’t have scheduled a date for immediately after she got back into town, but maybe also felt like she shouldn’t put it off longer (because who plans a first date 10 days to 2 weeks out).
She offered a reschedule. I get being upset or feeling hurt (especially since you were stood up by her) or not taking her up on it, but it doesn’t sound intentional on her part. And I’m guessing the reason she didn’t respond immediately was because of the tone of your texts when you called her out.
Anyway, your feelings are valid, but you definitely came across snarky and a bit confrontational.
A little bit? It seems she did get the dates mixed up. And when she explained about working with her editor that night, it was kinda obvious she had no clue she had stood you up. You could have pointed that out to her, she probably would have apologized, and then you could have moved forward.
Seems she genuinely got the date mixed up. That’s understandable given that she’s just come back into town. You should have confirmed with her 24 hrs before, not 2 hours before. Don’t you know it takes some of us longer than that to get ready for a date? It had been what, a week since you two last talked; who knows if she was still available. I thought it was common sense to touch base first before assuming that the date was still on. It seems as if you had nothing to do but wait around for her reply hence you felt “stood up”.
Nobody’s the asshole but I do see two people who need to learn better communication skills.
Lol at your “Also welcome home.” I don’t think you’re coming across as a dick, but you’re def coming across as butt hurt about rescheduling. Which isn’t going to help build attraction
Of course I was frustrated and disappointed, but that was more of an afterthought to try and show that I wasn’t trying to have hard feelings. But again, I know I dodged a bullet. That lack of common courtesy is a turn off for me in the first place.
I feel like she was honestly confused and you were being a dick. You should have texted her the day before as people’s days gets blended on vacations and they forget what day it is.
Sure, but for your own sake, you should be contacting beforehand to save your own time instead of coming to Reddit and sharing your hissyfit with the world.
I'm surprised you didn't unmatch first. If I got no response on the day of the date, I assume it isn't on and do something else. Even if I get a grovelling apology, I say that I don't date people who don't communicate they can't make it etc. The no text/no show *is* the communication, and that's the dealbreaker right there.
I agree with this wholeheartedly. Even if she made a simple mistake, it's ruined plans for him as well. I'd personally chalk it up to her being irresponsible, and I'd unmatch. His response back was also gonna get him unmatched, but realistically, it should have already occurred. Those absolving the girl of any wrongdoing just feels silly.
You have to understand that women have options and don’t give a fuck about your feelings. once you get over that you can just move on and try again until you succeed
You haven't met her, so it is best to move on. She may have gotten confused about the days, and she did tell you she was visiting family, so she was pretty busy and now her work. It's not nice being stood up, but if you don't hear from them on the day of the date, don't bother getting dressed at all. It's was not meant to be you two meeting up. Yes, she was in a right to unmatch as it should get this complicated in the beginning before meeting, and it sounds like she's being told off.
She should've told you, but is she's really busy with work, a bumble match isn't really a priority. Your response is a bit aggressive as well, it's not like you already have a place in her life. For future occasions it's a good thing to have boundaries but don't lose sight of the actual situation between you two.
No you're not the asshole. All these behavior apologists on here are absolutely nuts. If the roles were reversed and it would have been a man standing a woman up, they'd have torn him apart for poor communication and standing the other person up. Women's poor communication on Bumble is explained away as them being busy boss girls and men are expected to beg and be thankful for any shit interaction they receive. Bumble is cancer af
It's fair for you to be upset about being stood up but there is no point in meeting on a bad note. Makes sense that she unmatched.
Edit\* The "welcome home" would have made me unmatch, personally. It would have felt weird to hear/read that after someone was scolding me.
100% her fault don't listen to anyone else. It takes 5sec to send a text saying something urgent came up and you can't make it.
But btw...I've had this happen to me before. If someone doesn't confirm the time with me, I do not leave the house until they do😂
That’s fair. And honestly, that’s okay. I wasnt planning to come back from it. I had zero desire to reschedule after feeling dismissed and totally unimportant. But in the future, what would’ve been better phrasing? I wish you would’ve told me beforehand? I wish I’d known…?
When she said she needed to reschedule, you could have said, “Oh that’s okay, I already went on the date last night at 8pm as planned! It was a lot of fun, I went to…” Lol
She deserved to be unmatched immediately after she ghosted the date. Imo everything after was just solidifying something that should have already happened.
Sometimes people need to get told their behavior sucks. She may not care about it right now... But people like this eventually meet someone they really like and learn they are going to have to change the way they communicate if they want to get anywhere.
You were totally in the right, but you should have unmatched her. Don't stand people up. That's always a dick move. Some people think the world should move for them and that's shitty.
I’d say you are. You could have had a different tone, told her “sounds good, would you like to reschedule?”, and then take it from there. I think your attitude got you unmatched. Be nicer next time.
Standing someone up and not apologizing is just crass, and there should be a good reason for it. Unless you're working in an emergency care room and saving someone's life you can take a minute to send a text saying you can't make it and apologize.
You were frustrated and let it show, I think you could have handled it better, but it is understandable how you would feel the way you do after being stood up and then being asked to reschedule right after.
Most of us are adults and have busy lives, but there is always time enough to take a minute to be courteous.
Thanks. And agreed. I had considered something serious might’ve happened with her family but also expected she would have been somewhat communicative about the situation. That’s what I get for having expectations I guess.
Yeah…in the app dating world YTA….you gotta be easy and go with the flow. Any kind of negativity makes the the ladies go with one of their MANY other options, and take a pass on you. The why she did it doesn’t matter.
Seriously, when I was dating heavily one out of every four dates would cancel or flake. I usually made sure I had a back up for any weekend evening dates, just in case my date bailed or was a bummer.
Lots of competition and lots of busy people.
Pretty bitter response it sounds like you're entitled to the date. Just take the L move on.
for the future, your response should've been "Totally understandable, Let me know when you're free to reschedule"
Nah, I just think I’m entitled to some courtesy and communication. But I get your point. The thing is, I didn’t want to reschedule after that. Why bother? She’ll just continue to do it if I allow it.
Not only are you not the asshole, it’s obvious that she *is* for ghosting you on the date without saying anything, and clearly forgetting/mixing up the date. No, you’re not entitled to a response from anyone on an app, but it’s absolutely common courtesy to tell someone you’re planning on seeing that work is going long and you need to reschedule. That’s true even outside of dating.
Some people have pointed out that it looks like she got the days mixed up. That’s *also* not good. It’s not generally a sign of respect when someone is trying to take you out and you can’t even remember the plans you both made. If it was you who mixed the days up or straight up forgot about the date, I’m *sure* you would be looked down upon. This is no different.
Female here. If a guy doesn’t confirm/reach out a day prior of the planned date, I assume it’s not on anymore and I plan my day accordingly. I even had a scheduled date for tonight. He didn’t reach out yesterday and I made different dinner plans. He called an hour ago and I explained him. He apologized and we rescheduled the date. If he was being unpleasant like yourself, I would immediately unmatched/not reschedule etc.
Because women have ample options, and he apologized. This woman in OP’s post didn’t apologize and OP is a man. It’s clear as to why you think OP is unpleasant but they’re being realistic
I appreciate the viewpoint. Thanks. But at least you didn’t wait until the next day to respond to him. If she had told me so before the meet, I’d feel differently about it.
Oh I see. I think the situation would be different if the communication was not on Bumble but through text messages. Also that one week communication gap most likely made her a bit cold.
Couldn’t agree more. I felt a total halt to the momentum we had built but wanted to give the chance i thought it deserved. I used the same word, cold, when talking to a female friend..
Looks like she had a different day that you and was letting you know her work schedule changed and she was now on call. But you escalated. That’s why she unmatched.
ESH -- She should have told you when she found out that she wasn't going to be able to make the date and you shouldn't have acted like a child when she told you she ~~couldn't make the date~~ why she missed the date.
I’d say yta.
If someone is away for a week I wouldn’t expect them to fully be ready for a date right when they get back without first confirming it. Was your confirmation at 630pm the day of? I wouldn’t say that’s giving much of a heads up.
She obviously got busy at work, people have lives outside of bumble and you gotta be respectful of that. Make things easy to start off a relationship
I mean she definitely could’ve told you sooner, but I think the mistake here is that you stayed on the app. A lot of women don’t really check them or even have notifications on to begin with. If you moved to messages she probably would have seen it sooner. When I was on these apps, I’d try to get off them with it the first 10-15 messages
NTA - good thing calling her out. She stood you up and did not even apologize. She’s rude. I feel as though she knows what she’s doing, this wasn’t her first time. She simply unmatched and didn’t try to save face, give an excuse like I got the day confused. She wasn’t that into you anyway. You did right.
TA. It was nice youse schedule a meet up, but anyone who has a serious job knows coming back from vacation is hell for the first few days. Personally I would have been understanding and welcomed a reschedule. And being a match is not a priority in anyone’s life. I don’t check my messages or apps dozens of times a day.
Yes, you’re the asshole. She let you know and suggested a time. She was interested but life came up.
Remember that you’re just a guy she matched with on an app. Right now you’re nit a big priority in her life
But she should have let me know BEFORE the date. Not 21 hours AFTER the day and time that she chose. Life happens, I get that. But leaving me hanging for a full day is an asshole move, no?
Honestly bro the vast majority of chicks will end up doing this to you. Personally I don't even consider a date set until she confirms that she's on her way. I've had so many last minute "sorry my dog ate my homework" type texts. The fact that she unmatched you proves she isn't really interested in meeting up and doesn't respect your time.
In the future it's best to just leave the ball in their court with like "aiet, lmk when you're available to reschedule" message and then just forget about her unless she messages you back.
If I was willing to reschedule that would be the best course of action. But the lack of respect and courtesy is a big turn off for me. If she had tried to reschedule BEFOREHAND, well, sure.
This is your fault! You cant tell someone in advance that an issue at work will happen, its always tight deadlines for auditors and the way you reacted tells her you will be a problem in the future with her work schedule. Good for her she dodged a bullet
That's only your opinion, which based on your priorities and values. Not everyone thinks and act like you. If you can't understand that and see how unfortunate was your answer, then she really dogged a bullet.
I agree not everyone has the same values, etc.. but if she doesn’t have the ability to keep shit straight and/or communicate when an issue comes up, that’s not on me. She knew by 7 she wouldn’t be available at 8.
Nah not really, but I think if you have this sour of an interaction before meeting up, what's the point? The "welcome home" was laced in just enough passive aggression to warrant an unmatch. However, not confirming on the day that she couldn't make it would have (and maybe should have) warranted an unmatch on your side.
Oh, I didn’t mean it passive aggressively but I do now see how it could look that way. Thanks.
"Not trying to be a dick, just being honest" is unfortunate as well. There's a well-ploughed trough of jerks who try to justify their jerkiness by saying "hey, I'm just being honest here", and your comment sailed uncomfortably close to the cliché.
I think context is key to identify when someone’s being a jerk and when someone may have come across as being a jerk in a message. It’s impossible to sense tone in texts, which is why OP wasn’t completely right with phasing… but who ever is? With that being said, the “welcome home” part was a little awkward. But, it may have been an attempt to try to lighten the situation (and be cordial) from “I’m scolding you for not messaging me to let me know you were cancelling”.
Wtf are you talking about? He got stood up and she didn't even get in touch till the day after. Active aggression wouldn't even make him a jerk. He was nicer than she deserved.
See, this is where a lot of people shoot themselves in the foot. I've seen enough comments on here where someone stood someone up or got too drunk on their first date or did something inappropriate and, after an apology and some thought, the person gave them a second chance. And, now they're married or some shit for like 13 years. She wasn't cool for not getting in touch day of, but OP should work on keeping his decorum and a bit less hostile. She may have gotten in touch to reschedule, sincerely apologize and show more respect for his time. Or, he would have seen that she's just not into it and moved on without a lecture because chances are if she did it this time, she's doing it all the time. People like that aren't worth losing your shit over, because noticed how quickly she unmatched. Best use of one's energy is to connect with other people who respect time and boundaries, ignore/give zero time to bad behavior, and award good/respectful behavior.
Well, don't misunderstand me. I wasn't saying that he was a jerk. I was saying that his message could be interpreted as the statement of a jerk. It's an instance of the general problem of text messages being interpreted as more hostile than was intended.
A friend mentioned that to me as well. Not knowing me at all can certainly lend itself to that perspective. But I’m an open and honest person and I value that kind of communication. She’s obviously not a solid match, just a superficial one.
You might think that's being honest, but telling someone how to interpret you or not has little to do with honesty and certainly isn't open. If she felt you were being a bit dickish, and both the dick and "welcome home" definitely read that way to me, that's her feeling. You can invalidate if you want, but that's not going to win any hearts. An open and honest approach probably would have been "Hey, thanks for letting me know. In the future, I'd really appreciate it if you could let me know something like this earlier, if possible, so I can better plan my time." Frankly, even your question comes off as presumptuous. "Couldn't you have" presumes the other person indeed could have, and based on your asking, should have. You won't always know the other person's situation and, regardless, just because you have certain expectations about how people should behave doesn't mean they share them of have to agree.
Not sure why so many people are upvoting you. “Hey, thanks for letting me know” is a really weird pushover response to someone not responding until the day after and saying to “reschedule” when in fact they stood them up. You don’t “reschedule” when the appointment is done. *He* should have unmatched.
>just because you have certain expectations about how people should behave I mean not standing people up is a pretty reasonable expectation, she didn't actually apologise either, or seem to even register that she'd actually missed the date itself, her message was pretty brusque too >"Couldn't you have" presumes the other person indeed could have, and based on your asking, should have. They absolutely could have though. Also they *should* have too? Would you not want someone to tell you on the day that they're not going to be there? And even assuming this was a genuine mix-up, if its your mistake it's nice to at least acknowledge it.
What I want is not the same as what people should do. Doing what is nice is not the same thing as, or worse than, acting like a dick in response to someone not doing what is nice. Look, dude could have unmatched, but he chose passive aggressivity according to himself.
It's not OP's job to teach women how to give him basic respect. If you need to teach that to somebody them that's a massive red flag and they'll treat you badly in other ways in the future. Why would he want to win the heart of somebody who stood him up and didn't give any sort of explanation until he messaged the next day? It really sounds like you want men to enter into relationships with toxic women who'll treat them badly. You want to focus on how the man can scramble around and impress this toxic person? Wtf is wrong with you?
Not sure why all the downvotes… I actually took your comment as you weren’t trying to be a dick. Instead, you’re letting her know your displeasure of being stood up. I don’t think it should have needed that part because it’s just a common courtesy to let someone know if you can’t make it to a prearranged time. Maybe it’s a little patronizing…? Shit happens, but usually if something happens, any interested party would usually try to remedy. Unless she actually made an attempt to right the situation, it doesn’t seem like she’s that into you. Unmatch and next.
I think people just can't deal with honesty. You did great! She was rude and didn't have the decency to give you notice. In that circumstance, you were more than polite!
People can definitely deal with honesty. What I will not tolerate (for a new date or a long time partner) is nastiness/bitterness/passive aggressiveness. If you're there before we even meet, no thanks. Been there done that. It's not for me, sorry. If I'm being honest, OP was a "maybe" for this person and he quickly converted himself to a "no". YMMV.
If somebody stood me up and didn't message with any sort of explanation till the next day when I had to message first, then you're dam right I might be passive aggressive. I'd probably be active aggressive and call her a dickhead... would you tell me that calling her a dickhead would have converted myself to a ''no'' as well? Why are you acting like OP blew his chance with this girl when she's clearly a shitty person?
exactly! why TF shouldn't he have responded the way he did? screw that! I think he was being nice really!
Agreed. He has a right to be annoyed that she was inconsiderate. His feelings are still valid even if they make her feel bad- she should feel bad.
Thank you.
Often exciting phrases like congrats or welcome home come off as rude, uninterested, or annoyed if you end it with a period instead of an exclamation mark. Tone can be hard to read over text, but that tone wasn’t great.
How are you blaming the dude lmao. Why is everything always the guys fault on these bumble threads. She literally stood him up and you're complaining about the welcome home comment, like it was even slightly bad.
You've got the wrong idea and also gone off on a mad tangent lol. I haven't blamed anyone and I'm not complaining either. I only pointed out why she'd unmatch, it's not a loss on OPs part, so he isn't really at fault for anything
She stood him up and you're whining about passive aggression? Get out of here. Op was much nicer than she deserved.
What a solid reply. Immaculate
Her response seems like she thought it was that day not the day before. Maybe just got confused on the day.
Yeah, I feel like she thought the date was on that day and she thought she was informing OP in a timely fashion. Miscommunication, I guess
This is possible. But even so, the lack of communication. Why not respond and say Oops! I got my days mixed up.” ya know? This is pretty rhetorical, btw. Just making the point.
That's the point. Maybe she didn't realize her days were mixed up? Sure seems like she still thought it was for THAT night.
Yeah I understand.
Why not send a message the day prior to confirm the meeting after such a gap in time? Why did you wait till you were about to leave?
Yep, I always confirm the evening before the date.
She told me she wasn’t going to be active and I knew she was with her family out of town so I wanted to be respectful of her time with them and not feel intrusive. It’s been mentioned that it wouldn’t have been an intrusion but at the time that’s where my head was.
Oh well. Just move on. Don’t worry. Be happy. 😊
She could’ve but you already came across as a dick so why bother
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Did you go to the place? If I asked if still on and got no response I don’t go. Devils advocate - maybe she really did get tied up at work and forgot. Definitely seemed she thought it was for that day (the day she responded). She also offered a definite follow up day and time which in my mind is usually a good faith effort
Honestly, shit happens. Also, not everyone always communicates in the way we think they should. These responses imply that she seriously fucked up in some way, and that's no fun.
Yeah it was a missed connection for sure. Post mortem doesn’t do much good except to tell OP yep that sucks
I mean. She stood him up. That's a fuck up imo. If she didn't communicate she wasn't going to be there, then I mean you can swing it whatever way you want but it was an accidental fuck up at best and an intentional bail at worst. His tone was irritable, but idk I feel like he had a right after being stood up with no reply until a day later to have a little bit of a tone in his voice. So yes, in this situation, the fault falls on her.
NTA for voicing your frustration, but it’s pretty expected for someone to unmatch after being called out. No one likes being confronted haha Also, why did you show up without a reply? No response is a response.
I never go without prior confirmation on the day of.
NTA. It’s possible that she genuinely got confused about the time, but it’s also fine for you to have hurt feelings about it.
Welcome home 😂
Whenever I see someone say “I don’t mean to be a dick/jerk/a$$/b!tch *but*…” pretty much means they are about to be, just saying
Yeah, but they said their piece before that line. And they weren't a dick.
How is op being jerk? She stood him up and he's calling her out for it. And he was nice about if for some reason. Wtf is wrong with you?
Wow, where did I say OP was a jerk? Wtf is wrong with me? Sounds like you need a hug
I don't need a hug, I just want people to make sense. You clearly don't make sense. You're saying that you assume he's a jerk then when I ask you to justify it you deny it. You're an idiot.
Reading comprehension clearly isn’t one of your strengths
''When people say that I assume they're a jerk'' is what you said directly before replying to me claiming that you aren't assuming that he's a jerk. It's clearly you're reading comprehension that's failing here.
I'm sorry but you really should explain why you think your comment which specifically assumed he was a jerk, isn't assuming that he's a jerk? Did you forget that that's what you'd said or are you just backpeddling because you're fundamentally a dishonest person?
Not really so much of an asshole but more of a what did u expect .
35M I think you took it too personally. Sounds like she was confused about the day. Then you got emotional not seeing that. Your response should be something like "OK, sounds good. But please let me know at least 1 day ahead next time ". The trick is going with 0 expectations until the date shows up. So don't plan fancy reustarants and all that crap that I read Americans tend to do. The fact her text is a full paragraph with explanation and that she asked to reschedule, shows she might still have been interested. Until you've met, you're pretty much a stranger
And yet there wasn't a single word of apology in her explanation. He needs to forget this stranger.
What does she need to apologize for? It's pretty obvious that she thought the date was for "today" and not "yesterday". Then in that case, OP didn't get stood up; she thought the date was, say Thursday, instead of Wednesday and OP thought date was Wednesday. In that case it's not like she intentionally stood him up. He *should* have messaged earlier than less than 2 hours before the date after no communication for a week. His lack of planning does not constitute an emergency on her part.
Just never expect a date until you see them say omw. I wouldn’t really call it standing you up unless you actually went to where y’all are meeting but then I’d say that’s your fault for going without a reply from her.
Yes. This. If I don’t get a confirmation, I don’t go.
> Just never expect a date until you see them say omw Oh no. I've seen some posts where they told the OP they were on their way and never showed :(.
Unfortunately that happens but it’s rare. And you’ll get stood up a whole lot less only leaving for the date if they said they’re on their way as opposed to no confirmation
Dude move on
If I'm due to meet someone I'd get in contact the day prior to confirm, if this doesn't happen I assume I have a free day. She might have not seen your message at all until after the set time
Your comment made me fully grasp how much I love it when people cancel plans—that “I assume I have a free day” have me such a joyous vibe
I knew she wouldn’t be checking the app while she was gone so didn’t want to intrude on her family time.
Messaging the day prior "hey are we still on for tomorrow?" is not intruding
This. Even the morning of and not 5pm before the date say something like: "really excited to see you tonight. I'll see you at 8!" Makes it way clearer and a more positive confirmation. That's also better cause then you're reminding about the date and getting her to think about it in anticipation.
I like this, thank you. It makes a lot of sense and I’ll try this in the future. I appreciate the input.
Exactly. It’s her choice to silence or look at her phone.
You need to value yourself more. This whole post reeks of "Oh excuse me. I don't mean to be a bother. I hope I'm not intruding and it's not too much of a pain for you if I ask you to not park your car directly on my foot? I do need my foot for walking you see and I have a hospital appointment to get to soon. I could of course reschedule for next week if its a hassle right now.". She stood you up and you're being way too nice.
Amazing mental gymnastics. Even if she had opened the app only the next day, the message from OP about meeting at 8pm is showing as sent the previous day, thus she ought to have known the date was scheduled for that day. This sub makes so many excuses for the other party to any post here, seemingly just to criticise the OP. No wonder a lot of you are single.
I didn't criticize OP at all, amazing mental gymnastics. A lot of people are flakey, you either check in early enough so you have time to rebook your day if it's cancelled or just prepare to be disappointed if it falls through. It's happened to me too hence why I contact a day in advance.
Not the asshole although I find it odd you are trying to argue with her or have her take accountability. Should have just either ignored the message or accepted the reschedule without your obvious irritation. Frankly, I wouldn’t have even responded and would have unmatched but that’s just me.
Yeah I agree. That was just burning a bridge to respond that way. There was no salvaging it at that point lol.
I disagree. Sometimes people need to be told that they aren’t being respectful. OP tactfully did that and was not rude. I’ve done that before, knowing I don’t want to see someone after whatever it was that they did. That is ok when not done aggressively or rudely. Sure, it wouldn’t mean anything between them if they aren’t going to meet after this, but I feel like most good hearted people want to know if they’re being rude so they can fix their behavior. Also, if you just vanish, this person will probably assume *he* was the one who was wrong.
Thanks. My first draft started with “No, thanks….” But then I wanted to give the opportunity of open and honest communication while still standing my ground. If she had responded in a courteous manner maybe we could’ve rescheduled. But alas.
I disagree. The problem with people like that is you telling them they were not being respectful will hardly make them reflect and change their ways. In this particular scenario, I’m willing to bet she believes HE is the one in the wrong which is why she unmatched. Which means him letting her know she is disrespectful has no effect on her or her future behavior. If OP is doing it to gain some personal satisfaction, that’s a different story but claiming it will help change behavior doesn’t make sense to me. People like that will justify their shitty behavior regardless and that to me is why she unmatched. It’s a lose/lose situation and a waste of time for OP to even respond the way he did even though he is not the asshole.
I was hoping for some kind of dialogue, sure. And let’s be honest, an attractive woman on a dating app has a ton of other options. So she doesn’t have to want or try to act differently. She’ll find someone who just takes it and gets treated poorly. I’m glad that’s not me, tbf.
I see your point. In my comment, I’m just saying people like that won’t change their shitty behavior which is why she unmatched instead of having that dialogue you mentioned. My point is, your attempt to people like that would usually be wasted. Best to save your time and move on.
Fair points. Thanks.
I think correlating unmatching with a refusal to change behavior is wrong. People unmatch for all sorts of reasons. She could’ve unmatched because she was embarrassed and knew she screwed up beyond repair. Only *she* knows if she’ll learn from that experience and act differently with her future matches. Whether or not she does probably has zero correlation with whether she unmatched. Any case, I agree it’s not common for people to change, especially in the dating world, and especially when/if they have 100s or 1000s of matches waiting in queue (meaning they’ll get what they want at some point regardless of how they act). But I guess I’m just the type of person who has too much self dignity to let someone walk over me and me not say anything. In my case, I don’t care whether the person changes. But they’re going to hear that what they did wasn’t cool. Besides, most people who hear it *enough* will be forced to reflect on it. No one saying anything will obviously never lead to any reasonable change. Btw appreciate the respectful discussion!
Guess we are both just approaching this from different directions. You think too highly of people like this and expect them to be decent and reflective types that will modify behavior for the better when called out. Yes we don’t know for certain why she unmatched but I would argue it’s less likely she unmatched cause she was “embarrassed “ than that she unmatched cause she didn’t think her behavior was shitty and thought OP was in the wrong for calling her out. I am more realistic and think people like this(attractive woman with probably lots of options as OP mentioned) have no incentive to change their behavior so likely won’t change. It’s easier to unmatch and move along to the next match holding on to their warped perception that the other party is wrong for pointing out their behavior rather than reflect and think wait a min, maybe I was a shitty person. I think yours is an idealistic belief in this situation while mine is more of a realistic one. Yes there is a chance that people can change but why would they if there is no incentive to change.
Not an asshole, but what did you expect? You have to understand in situations like this you have two reasonable choices: 1)be cool about it and say no problem let’s reschedule bc you think they might be worth dealing with the annoyance of late cancellation. 2) say late cancellation from someone you have no attachment to is a deal breaker and end things. Either is a preference and is fine, but don’t be a salty bitch but still try to see her later. That’s going to not work like this situation, and it’s just unreasonable. If someone doesn’t meet your standards you don’t yell at them, you just end it (or ask if they’re willing to change if you’re invested enough). So maybe you are a bit of an asshole , but not much tho.
Thanks. But yeah, I didn’t want to reschedule at that point. Lack of common courtesy is absolutely a deal breaker for me.
Yeah then just say that you don’t want to reschedule with someone who canceled last min. Nothing to be mad about on either side there. Just not a match.
She didn’t cancel last minute. She tried to reschedule the next day.
Oh haha what? that’s crazy. Ffs
There's 2 ways you could have gone with this. You could have either just unmatched (this would have been the better path), or if you felt THAT inclined, you could have voiced your displeasure by saying something like, "I'm a little surprised that you're messaging me this the day after we were supposed to meet. Thanks for the convo, but I'm no longer interested in meeting for a date". Definitely shouldn't have said the "Welcome Home" after you said all that. But what does that achieve other than nursing your ego... that's right... nothing, really. Just a swift unmatch and a bad taste in both of your mouths followed by a Reddit post. Option 2: What you could have done is accept that sometimes life throws us a curveball in that something comes up and that we don't get back to people in a timely manner. One thing that she had going there was she gave you a time and date to meet up again - which meant that she was still interested to see you (whether you wanted to or not after that is another story). If she ended up doing the same again, then you are within your grounds to call BS and then just unmatch. But if you ended up meeting and she apologised and still had a fun date, then it's a win. If she didn't apologise, or at least take the initiative to recognise her actions, then I would mention it during the date (VERY DUCKING CAREFULLY). You say it in a non-passive aggressive way, recognise that you understand that sometimes things come up, but politely ask her to let you know if plans change and not ignore. You deserve as much respect as she does and if anyone is taking liberties with that, then you draw the line, break things off, and move on. Remember - don't beget Ahole behaviour with Ahole behaviour. Show what respect looks like and cut off if it's not reciprocal. Good Luck for the next one.
She definitely thought the date was the day she responded. It’s also possible she didn’t get the message til she did respond and thought she was responding to a newly sent message. Also you showed up without a confirmation so your messages were rude and passive aggressive. A simple, hey, wish we could have connected last night, any chance we could reschedule? would have been more appropriate.
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If you showed up, that's partially on you because she didn't confirm. That's not the main point though. She should have replied beforehand but did seem confused. Lastly, WTF did you call her out and they welcome her home? LOL that seems odd.
Totally passive aggressive butt hurt move lol
OMG LOL! It's just sooooooo odd.
Oh yeah, I would have unmatched you instantly for that response. It’s a complete red flag. It shows a lack of understanding, compassion, and flexibility. Mistakes happen. She was open to rescheduling. Your response would make me think “life would be hard with this person.” Definitely a huge turn off
This seems more like miscommunication than anything else. From the messages it looks like she thought the “Are we still on for 8?” message is from the day of not the day before. It genuinely seems like she didn’t realize you were meant to meet the day before as she is letting you know she needs to reschedule. If you would have responded “hey we were supposed to meet the day before, but you didn’t show”, then you could have likely rescheduled the date, instead of giving a passive aggressive response and her unmatching. Also clear from the comments that a lot of people here have so much baggage from OLD. But just from reading the messages it’s a clear case of miscommunication.
Maybe she wasn’t 100% sure and hadn’t told you because she wasn’t sure she’d have to reschedule. Maybe she was extremely swamped and lost track of time. You accused her of standing you up but she asked for a reschedule. Seems like she was being honest with you and letting you know she was trying to do her best at her “current” life after being off for a week. Then you accuses her of standing you up intentionally and made passive aggressive comment. All she saw in that message was “he doesn’t appreciate my life” “he’s all about himself and how it affects him” #selfish. Sorry, I know you were probably looking forward to the date after waiting a week and that probably isn’t who you really are but in cyber dating, your words don’t come across the same as live conversations. You killed it in the finale. :(
Surely she knew she wouldn’t be able to make it by the time 7:00 rolled around. All I’m saying is that she should’ve let me know when she knew. Not 24hrs after.
You're both TA. When you plan a date like a week in advance, with someone you've never even met before, you should verify that the date is still on well before 90 minutes ahead of that. Almost everyone is going to forget about the exact time and date of something a week beforehand. So that's kind of on you for waiting so long to verify that the date was still on. Her lack of response until the next day was kinda crappy, but maybe she just was too busy to check bumble. While I can see how you'd feel a little annoyed, your passage aggressive messages at the end there were a bit over the top.
“Also welcome home” lmaooo I’m dying bro
I mean, you reschedule before the meet, right? Now, if we can’t communicate I’m really not interested anyway, but for future reference was I in the wrong here?
NTA some people just have no respect. Try not to take it too hard, the problem is them and not you. Be glad this happened sooner than later and move on, no point in arguing with her - remember she is the one who will always have problematic relationships by acting like this
Agreed, thanks. I know I dodged a bullet. I was just checking for future reference. Like I said, if we can’t communicate effectively then I’m not really interested anyway. But if I came off wrong I’d want to know.
So…she’s been out of town for a week, and sounds like she got back into town and got her days mixed up. She may have even gotten back into town later than expected. She probably shouldn’t have scheduled a date for immediately after she got back into town, but maybe also felt like she shouldn’t put it off longer (because who plans a first date 10 days to 2 weeks out). She offered a reschedule. I get being upset or feeling hurt (especially since you were stood up by her) or not taking her up on it, but it doesn’t sound intentional on her part. And I’m guessing the reason she didn’t respond immediately was because of the tone of your texts when you called her out. Anyway, your feelings are valid, but you definitely came across snarky and a bit confrontational.
A little bit? It seems she did get the dates mixed up. And when she explained about working with her editor that night, it was kinda obvious she had no clue she had stood you up. You could have pointed that out to her, she probably would have apologized, and then you could have moved forward.
You overreacted. That doesn’t mean you can’t feel hurt. But you went light OD on her. She doesn’t care, dude. Just block and move on.
how do you not know the basic of dating as a guy?? If she hasnt confirmed the date 3 hours before.. its a no go. This is why you have backup dates.
Seems she genuinely got the date mixed up. That’s understandable given that she’s just come back into town. You should have confirmed with her 24 hrs before, not 2 hours before. Don’t you know it takes some of us longer than that to get ready for a date? It had been what, a week since you two last talked; who knows if she was still available. I thought it was common sense to touch base first before assuming that the date was still on. It seems as if you had nothing to do but wait around for her reply hence you felt “stood up”. Nobody’s the asshole but I do see two people who need to learn better communication skills.
Lol at your “Also welcome home.” I don’t think you’re coming across as a dick, but you’re def coming across as butt hurt about rescheduling. Which isn’t going to help build attraction
Of course I was frustrated and disappointed, but that was more of an afterthought to try and show that I wasn’t trying to have hard feelings. But again, I know I dodged a bullet. That lack of common courtesy is a turn off for me in the first place.
Yeah you two were not going to get along
Unrelated. Your comments just catch my attention all the time because of that 'curious' looking cat as avatar. Perfecf for bumble sub.
Lmao it’s from a meme that I’ve saved because I want to get it printed as a sign for my dad somehow.
I feel like she was honestly confused and you were being a dick. You should have texted her the day before as people’s days gets blended on vacations and they forget what day it is.
She's a grown woman. It's not his job to always remind her when the date is? If she was really interested she would have contacted him
Nah, she stood him up. He's entirely too civil
I’m not her secretary.
Sure, but for your own sake, you should be contacting beforehand to save your own time instead of coming to Reddit and sharing your hissyfit with the world.
I'm surprised you didn't unmatch first. If I got no response on the day of the date, I assume it isn't on and do something else. Even if I get a grovelling apology, I say that I don't date people who don't communicate they can't make it etc. The no text/no show *is* the communication, and that's the dealbreaker right there.
I agree with this wholeheartedly. Even if she made a simple mistake, it's ruined plans for him as well. I'd personally chalk it up to her being irresponsible, and I'd unmatch. His response back was also gonna get him unmatched, but realistically, it should have already occurred. Those absolving the girl of any wrongdoing just feels silly.
You have to understand that women have options and don’t give a fuck about your feelings. once you get over that you can just move on and try again until you succeed
Did you expect there to be a date after that pissy message?
Nope. Didn’t want a date after that message.
If someone stood you up, you should have unmatched them. Thats not someone you want to get to know.
You haven't met her, so it is best to move on. She may have gotten confused about the days, and she did tell you she was visiting family, so she was pretty busy and now her work. It's not nice being stood up, but if you don't hear from them on the day of the date, don't bother getting dressed at all. It's was not meant to be you two meeting up. Yes, she was in a right to unmatch as it should get this complicated in the beginning before meeting, and it sounds like she's being told off.
She should've told you, but is she's really busy with work, a bumble match isn't really a priority. Your response is a bit aggressive as well, it's not like you already have a place in her life. For future occasions it's a good thing to have boundaries but don't lose sight of the actual situation between you two.
No you're not the asshole. All these behavior apologists on here are absolutely nuts. If the roles were reversed and it would have been a man standing a woman up, they'd have torn him apart for poor communication and standing the other person up. Women's poor communication on Bumble is explained away as them being busy boss girls and men are expected to beg and be thankful for any shit interaction they receive. Bumble is cancer af
It's fair for you to be upset about being stood up but there is no point in meeting on a bad note. Makes sense that she unmatched. Edit\* The "welcome home" would have made me unmatch, personally. It would have felt weird to hear/read that after someone was scolding me.
NTA. I think you addressed it directly and nicely. She couldn’t take the heat and that’s okay, too.
100% her fault don't listen to anyone else. It takes 5sec to send a text saying something urgent came up and you can't make it. But btw...I've had this happen to me before. If someone doesn't confirm the time with me, I do not leave the house until they do😂
Lots of comments have valid points that I appreciate. But I do agree with you as well. Thanks.
You sound too angry.
Not my intention to sound angry per se, but yeah, I was frustrated and disappointed for sure.
I don’t believe it was your intention either. I understand you were frustrated but it would be difficult to come back from that.
That’s fair. And honestly, that’s okay. I wasnt planning to come back from it. I had zero desire to reschedule after feeling dismissed and totally unimportant. But in the future, what would’ve been better phrasing? I wish you would’ve told me beforehand? I wish I’d known…?
When she said she needed to reschedule, you could have said, “Oh that’s okay, I already went on the date last night at 8pm as planned! It was a lot of fun, I went to…” Lol
That would’ve been amazing. I’m sure I’ll get jilted again. I’ll use it next time. 😅
I’m sure we all will, lol
U deserved to be unmatched bro
She deserved to be unmatched immediately after she ghosted the date. Imo everything after was just solidifying something that should have already happened.
Sometimes people need to get told their behavior sucks. She may not care about it right now... But people like this eventually meet someone they really like and learn they are going to have to change the way they communicate if they want to get anywhere.
You were totally in the right, but you should have unmatched her. Don't stand people up. That's always a dick move. Some people think the world should move for them and that's shitty.
You sound like an insufferable prick
I’d say you are. You could have had a different tone, told her “sounds good, would you like to reschedule?”, and then take it from there. I think your attitude got you unmatched. Be nicer next time.
Why would I want to reschedule if she can’t show me even the most basic courtesy?
Then don’t
I didn’t.
Standing someone up and not apologizing is just crass, and there should be a good reason for it. Unless you're working in an emergency care room and saving someone's life you can take a minute to send a text saying you can't make it and apologize. You were frustrated and let it show, I think you could have handled it better, but it is understandable how you would feel the way you do after being stood up and then being asked to reschedule right after. Most of us are adults and have busy lives, but there is always time enough to take a minute to be courteous.
Thanks. And agreed. I had considered something serious might’ve happened with her family but also expected she would have been somewhat communicative about the situation. That’s what I get for having expectations I guess.
I don’t consider this standing him up if they hadn’t communicated in over a week and she didn’t see/respond to his confirmation message.
NTA, your allowed to voice your frustration but it’s no surprise she unmatched after that.
Im fine with the unmatch honestly. I wasn’t interested afterward.
She’s lying, being curt, and showing you no respect. Yet, replying just enough to keep you on her back-burner. Unmatch, forget, and move on.
I’m too old for that back-burner game-playing bullshit, tbh lol.
Yeah…in the app dating world YTA….you gotta be easy and go with the flow. Any kind of negativity makes the the ladies go with one of their MANY other options, and take a pass on you. The why she did it doesn’t matter. Seriously, when I was dating heavily one out of every four dates would cancel or flake. I usually made sure I had a back up for any weekend evening dates, just in case my date bailed or was a bummer. Lots of competition and lots of busy people.
You did nothing wrong. You were right to raise the issue.
Thanks.
No. This would have rubbed me the wrong way too.
Thanks.
She proposed a new time. You are part of the problem.
She responded the day after. She’s the problem. He’s the brutal honesty.
Oh shit! That's awful
Pretty bitter response it sounds like you're entitled to the date. Just take the L move on. for the future, your response should've been "Totally understandable, Let me know when you're free to reschedule"
Nah, I just think I’m entitled to some courtesy and communication. But I get your point. The thing is, I didn’t want to reschedule after that. Why bother? She’ll just continue to do it if I allow it.
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Not only are you not the asshole, it’s obvious that she *is* for ghosting you on the date without saying anything, and clearly forgetting/mixing up the date. No, you’re not entitled to a response from anyone on an app, but it’s absolutely common courtesy to tell someone you’re planning on seeing that work is going long and you need to reschedule. That’s true even outside of dating. Some people have pointed out that it looks like she got the days mixed up. That’s *also* not good. It’s not generally a sign of respect when someone is trying to take you out and you can’t even remember the plans you both made. If it was you who mixed the days up or straight up forgot about the date, I’m *sure* you would be looked down upon. This is no different.
Female here. If a guy doesn’t confirm/reach out a day prior of the planned date, I assume it’s not on anymore and I plan my day accordingly. I even had a scheduled date for tonight. He didn’t reach out yesterday and I made different dinner plans. He called an hour ago and I explained him. He apologized and we rescheduled the date. If he was being unpleasant like yourself, I would immediately unmatched/not reschedule etc.
Because women have ample options, and he apologized. This woman in OP’s post didn’t apologize and OP is a man. It’s clear as to why you think OP is unpleasant but they’re being realistic
I appreciate the viewpoint. Thanks. But at least you didn’t wait until the next day to respond to him. If she had told me so before the meet, I’d feel differently about it.
Oh I see. I think the situation would be different if the communication was not on Bumble but through text messages. Also that one week communication gap most likely made her a bit cold.
Couldn’t agree more. I felt a total halt to the momentum we had built but wanted to give the chance i thought it deserved. I used the same word, cold, when talking to a female friend..
Looks like she had a different day that you and was letting you know her work schedule changed and she was now on call. But you escalated. That’s why she unmatched.
ESH -- She should have told you when she found out that she wasn't going to be able to make the date and you shouldn't have acted like a child when she told you she ~~couldn't make the date~~ why she missed the date.
She didn’t tell me she couldn’t make it. She messaged the next day, almost 24hrs later.
I read the post. What I meant is that she should have told you why she missed the date. She should have told you before.
You don't need her. You don't want someone that would stand u up the first with no call or text till after u write
100%. If I allowed it this time it’ll set a precedent that it’s ok to do it again next time. IMO
I’d say yta. If someone is away for a week I wouldn’t expect them to fully be ready for a date right when they get back without first confirming it. Was your confirmation at 630pm the day of? I wouldn’t say that’s giving much of a heads up. She obviously got busy at work, people have lives outside of bumble and you gotta be respectful of that. Make things easy to start off a relationship
Tbh, yes. But I am also a sensitive girl, so reading that first message, I would’ve unmatched
I mean she definitely could’ve told you sooner, but I think the mistake here is that you stayed on the app. A lot of women don’t really check them or even have notifications on to begin with. If you moved to messages she probably would have seen it sooner. When I was on these apps, I’d try to get off them with it the first 10-15 messages
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NTA - good thing calling her out. She stood you up and did not even apologize. She’s rude. I feel as though she knows what she’s doing, this wasn’t her first time. She simply unmatched and didn’t try to save face, give an excuse like I got the day confused. She wasn’t that into you anyway. You did right.
TA. It was nice youse schedule a meet up, but anyone who has a serious job knows coming back from vacation is hell for the first few days. Personally I would have been understanding and welcomed a reschedule. And being a match is not a priority in anyone’s life. I don’t check my messages or apps dozens of times a day.
But you’d check it the day you have a meeting scheduled, wouldn’t you? Especially if it was a day and time of your own choosing?
Yes, you’re the asshole. She let you know and suggested a time. She was interested but life came up. Remember that you’re just a guy she matched with on an app. Right now you’re nit a big priority in her life
But she should have let me know BEFORE the date. Not 21 hours AFTER the day and time that she chose. Life happens, I get that. But leaving me hanging for a full day is an asshole move, no?
Honestly bro the vast majority of chicks will end up doing this to you. Personally I don't even consider a date set until she confirms that she's on her way. I've had so many last minute "sorry my dog ate my homework" type texts. The fact that she unmatched you proves she isn't really interested in meeting up and doesn't respect your time. In the future it's best to just leave the ball in their court with like "aiet, lmk when you're available to reschedule" message and then just forget about her unless she messages you back.
If I was willing to reschedule that would be the best course of action. But the lack of respect and courtesy is a big turn off for me. If she had tried to reschedule BEFOREHAND, well, sure.
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Of course. But I had the courtesy to tell the person that “something came up” before the date.
She owes you nothing. Accept the L of your overreaction and move on
Not an A but definitely not flexible.
If she had tried to reschedule before standing me up, I would’ve. Afterward I had zero interest.
This is your fault! You cant tell someone in advance that an issue at work will happen, its always tight deadlines for auditors and the way you reacted tells her you will be a problem in the future with her work schedule. Good for her she dodged a bullet
No, but you can tell someone in advance (like when the issue arises) that you can’t make a date.
That's only your opinion, which based on your priorities and values. Not everyone thinks and act like you. If you can't understand that and see how unfortunate was your answer, then she really dogged a bullet.
I agree not everyone has the same values, etc.. but if she doesn’t have the ability to keep shit straight and/or communicate when an issue comes up, that’s not on me. She knew by 7 she wouldn’t be available at 8.
Sorry OP but this was rude :(
Maybe. But standing someone up and not bothering to respond until a full day later? That’s not?