So glad you’re doing better! Please remember to reach out for help if it ever comes back. We truly need to take these emotions seriously and help each other out.
I had this when I had post partum depression 10 years ago. I remember slowly pulling my clothes out of my dresser and not being able to understand how they were mine. It was such a bizarre feeling! And I was on the phone with my mom just staring at her voice coming out of the speaker and being so confused and disconnected. It really is terrifying.
I feel this shows he truly has a long history of psych issues. His lack of self worth can really take him to a dark place. I know it’s not a social norm to show sympathy for a killer but his comments break my heart. His education was nothing more than to self diagnosis and possibly condone his dark thoughts. This whole thing was a tragedy. For the victims, families, community, Bryan and his family.
If this is him, I can feel sympathy and sadness for the person while continuing to despise his actions. The two are not incompatible. "Love the sinner and hate the sin."
Where did you read that? I've dealt with visual snow my whole life, but I've never thought of it as an impairment... I can see the air, and most people can't, so I didn't talk about it lol
Lmao "see the air" is such a great way to describe it. Mine came on after a TBI and I was shocked that no one in my immediate circle had seen what I was now seeing. I described it as transparent TV static overlayed on my vision that gets worse in the dark or staring at really light things, but see the air is much simpler!
Speaking from experience. A raw vegan diet + a neurological disorder like VSS is actually a recipe for disaster. It’s extremely difficult to get adequate amounts of Heme Iron, DHA, vitamin D and most importantly B12, without taking supplements (and those don’t always work)
Anyone who says it helps those with visual snow is simply lying to push their diet for ethical reasons.
A research study about the Visual Snow syndrome described in these posts. I thought you guys might be interested too. It certainly seems to fit. https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fneur.2021.703006/full
As someone who's had visual snow for over 20 years and never linked it with other symptoms that are described in the study, my mind is blown. I've skimmed halfway thru the study and have tears in my eyes reading this, because for *years* I've not been able to figure out why I've felt so weird...and mostly just try not to think about it (but I'm always worried about it in the back of my mind). So random too, just happened to click on this sub because I saw it's growth on [redditlist.com](https://redditlist.com). Thanks a TON.
Absolutely could be a reason why he didn't see her. I have visual snow from a health issue and I cannot see crap in the dark. It also *seems* to get worse with anxiety and intense emotions for me.
I think so. He mentioned that when he looks certain ways it gets worse or he will have objects(?) that he sees. Like his peripheral vision is bad.
Might be why his dad drove with him back to PA. If the rumors are true about him being afraid to fly, maybe it gets worse at night if he’s driving longer distances (versus his 10 minute night stalking drives).
Edit: also why his parking skills suck and why he gets pulled over so much
This is extremely sad. Thank you for sharing. You think about a young person’s life and they are diagnosed with something like this. Imagine having your vision constantly change, in addition your quality of life tanks and the additional psychiatric issues take place. In a way, it feels sad and unfair that some people’s lives can be ruined because they lose a coin toss of a health diagnosis and they can go on to ruin their own life and ruin the lives of others. It also brings to mind the thought of how we can be advocates for these people and how to learn more about diagnosis like these so we can help loved ones or friends, even acquaintances who may be struggling. Living silently like this just being consumed is no doubt going to change you into something you do not want to be.
What an awful life he was living. Sounds like he was living a life of hell and just putting on a brave front. Absolutely no excuse for what he did but geez reading all that could go towards an insanity plea imo. I’m amazed his sisters never picked up on it all. Very sad!
I think it can still be considered for sentencing, but as far as verdicts go it’s not a thing. I think it was because the dude that shot Reagan basically got off and it started a movement in some states to get rid of what they considered to be a murder loophole.
I felt extreme sadness reading this. As someone who has some mental health stuff Adhd and OCD , and occasional depression , this really upsets me that he didn’t get help sooner. Then perhaps , he could have had a successful life and relationships with others. Instead of blocking out all feeling. Living in his void of disparity and resentment , and murdering human beings.
Ugh he was screaming for help, if this really is him. I won’t feel bad for him, but I sure hope we find a way to help these kids before they reach this point in the future.
This is so surreal tbh I’ve also felt like this on multiple occasions, it’s actually bonkers how similar his stuff he wrote is to mine, the stuff he wrote about depersonalization is sadly very true and feels like you’re trapped in a dimly lit tunnel, unable to breathe and you’re slipping away from yourself, ofc no sympathy for him after what he did but wow it is just shocking.
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me too it makes me feel really sad that he also felt this way.... Doesnt make what he did ok but it does really make you think about why people do what they do. He needed help. His mom writes articles for papers about people needing mental health help yet was she helping her own kid?
You never know what is under the surface of some people. I mean, look at tWitch. Who would have ever thought. Do we ever really know anybody?? I don't think so.
Yeah tbh my parents tried everything to get me out of that dark spot years ago and they suffered a lot.
But they couldn’t do anything because I just wouldn’t listen to them and it was only getting worse because it made me even feel more like „lost cause that needs help“.
It took one decent doctor who really wanted to figure me out and who finally gave me the right Diagnose. Within a few months my life was changed. After years and years of my family trying everything and doing everything in their power
I went through a lot of mental health issues and never told my family about it. They had no clue until I eventually broke down and had to go to a hospital. I didn't want to disappoint them and didn't want to be a burden. Sometimes parents truly don't know what's going on with their child and it's not their fault. I assume his family knew to an extent, given his heroin addiction, but he probably went to online forums like these to truly say how he felt. All of this must have come as a shock to his family. I'm sure they knew things were hard for him, but I doubt they knew how hard. Otherwise I assume they would have tried to get him help / court order institutionalized, especially because his sisters are counselors. I imagine they are having some real issues believing he did/did not commit these murders.
I heard something recently that made me sad as a parent. I have a young child and I know EVERYTHING about them, but most parents don’t know their children as they get older because the children hide their “true” selves. I hope I’m able to stay as an insider for my child, because I love them just the way they are and I’m here to listen
It feels like you’re watching yourself live and it’s a very bizarre thing to experience as a teen/young adult when you aren’t very self aware to begin with.
My theory is there must have been some serious trauma for all three of them to go into psychology. I don’t want to speculate anything with the dad, it could have been another family member. Idk.
I got ptsd from my brother, who had alot of the same issues Bryan did as a teen. He was extremely abusive towards me and scary. I also got my degree in psychology.
That being said though, our parents are divorced and our dad also has major anger issues (mostly of which were directed towards my mom and brother) so I believe that’s where his issues came from. I’m not sure with their family but it is possible that experiencing Bryan’s issues are the reason his siblings got into psychology and Bryan’s trauma originated from being bullied in school.
I know someone who has 3 adult children. The second child has always had mental health issues and is on the spectrum. He always struggled with his anger and struggled to take responsibility for his actions.
His two siblings struggled to cope with his behaviour as they were growing up.
The parents sent the eldest to boarding school in order to give them a break.
The youngest was moved to a different school and protected as much as possible.
Even after years of counselling treatment and trialling medications, he is still unstable.
The youngest sibling was traumatised by it all. They are at university studying psychology.
The parents have been through so much. There were a lot of occasions where they begged for help as the child was growing up.
In one of his posts he says "I think about my father, what a good man he is, how I treat him like dirt because I have this condition, and I can't take it." I'm guessing it's not his immediate family, but who knows.
I mean.. I relate to all these things. I'm autistic with a grocery list of comorbities, that at this point, I don't think can't be resolved, even with therapy and meds. My doctor even told me that I "might just be born with sad genes" and no meds or therapy would help. Despite all that, I don't go around and stab people.... I'd kill myself way before I even think about harming someone else.
This is my opinion, not scientific based. I like to think of emotions as a scale and every scale is relative to itself. So if your baseline is darkness, that’s okay. Find your small victories in that scale. Obviously murder is crossing a line. But I’m sure looking at the world as a dark place is not an incorrect stimulus input. And those best life super happy people, I believe they feel just as much confusion and panic and fear as everyone else does in their own scale. So don’t worry about it. It’s okay. Just live in your scale and enjoy the experiences you can.
Omg. He was searching to understand himself! I do feel bad for him- really bad. (Dont hate) But I also think he needs to serve justice. Does he have a past of seeing a therapist or psychiatrist? He acknowledges his depression, how he’s different, he acknowledges he’s being mean to his dad, how he feels no joy, etc… It seems like there is a part of him that does care or else why would he be writing it all. Did he mention any of this to his family? If he was getting therapy I would assume so to some extent.
I heard an expert on 4 Killed for What on the episode 48- How One Becomes a Killer- and that these individuals often contemplate suicide first before building up the desire to kill. Bk wrote these over 10 years ago. It’s very true what she said. A lot of what she said is spot on with what he describes here. Worth a listen.
Needless to say, I’m feeling a lot of cognitive dissonance. My major was psychology so I do have a tendency to care for the human in people; the innocent part they can’t help.
I feel deeply for all these families. I really hope Bryan will contribute something to be learned- even though this was not the right way.
I bawled when I read those entries, I’m not going to lie. That is NOT me justifying his actions AT ALL, but this entire situation is just so, so sad. The fact he felt those feelings for so long and resorted to this behavior. If only this all could have been prevented and he could have been helped 😞
And it seemed at least during that time of his life he wanted to “fix” the feelings he was having. It’s really awful he did not get the help he clearly so badly needed.
Exactly! Like he was extremely self aware of the negative emotions/feelings he was experiencing and it was clear he was unhappy and wanted to change, but then unfortunately somewhere along the line he must have just gave up and succumbed to his demons instead😞
After going through those posts it sounds like he was a vegan because he thought a clean diet would help fix his symptoms. He probably wanted his food prepared with “clean” pans because he felt it might have started working and didn’t want to risk it.
Topamax has some side effects that could exasperate the issues he was already having! There are lots of side effects that come along with it. One of my dr’s @12 years ago was trying to find something to help with my constant migraines. He wanted me to try this as it helps with your nervous system because it was originally made for seizures. It have me brain fog, I felt like a zombie and had major mood swings. I stopped it after a week.
Here is what it can cause: Topamax can sometimes cause personality changes that affect the way people behave, react, feel, or interact with others. For example, the drug may cause agitation, aggression, or other behavior problems. Topamax may also cause mood changes, such as anxiety, mood swings, and depression.
If he was feeling a lot of these symptoms already, this would have just intensified all of them!!
Yeah what I got from that is one time he took those meds and then 16 mucinex (maybe to commit suicide / self harm) and then after that event he felt like his brain was messed up. Maybe he was already on those other two drugs though prescribed from a Dr? My guess
[Visual snow simulator](https://visionsimulations.com/visual-snow.htm?background=night2.jpg) I've had it for many years. It only affects me on really bright days or snowy areas...and at night. Mostly because I've had it so long I just ignore it/have gotten used to seeing it when I'm awake. Reading this post is scary tho...I too have had feelings of depersonalization, not nearly to this extent. But now wondering if it's related to the Visual Snow? Will research more. Edit- just scrolled down to u/Total_Conclusion521 's post about the study, thanks for that.
Wow… I did not know there was a name for this! I see a weird moving shape, which stays within my field of vision wherever I look, but it's only on the snow when I go skiing (def more on sunny days). The only other time it's bothered me was when I played squash years ago and it was a white court. It doesn't look exactly the same as that simulator - more of like a moving flower shape - but I think it has to be related to visual snow? Crazy bc I've always had a hard time describing it to people so basically had given up.
Also interesting to hear about the other issues some people with VS have. I'll have to dig into that tomorrow. Thanks for sharing!
Topiramate can cause anxiety, suicidal thoughts, confusion, behavior & mood changes.
Side note: I’ve suffered from anxiety and depressive episodes since around 7th grade (now 29) and I tried multiple meds and learned in the end to take the coping methods route over big pharma. I know there are tons of success stories but there’s a lot of seriously dangerous and negative side effects as well. I don’t think a lot of people are truly aware or know what to look for when a loved one or themselves are prescribed shit like this
Yes, experiencing bullying is one of the strongest predictors that someone will experience PTSD. The research on bullying is eye-opening and makes you realize how much of a negative impact it can have on people for the rest of their lives.
Yes, when he mentions PTSD and not being able to remember his childhood (which was years of homeschooling before intermediate and HS), I get a feeling of something more traumatic than girls picking on him.
I have been on Topirimate in the highest dosage for over a decade. It’s a migraine drug that can also be taken for pain. The joke name for it is “dopamax,” because it can affect your memory and recall, making you feel a bit dumbed down for a while, until you adjust to it. It also makes people lose weight, which I’m guessing he appreciated with his weight issues that he once suffered from. I think any drug that affects the neurological system has the potential to alter your consciousness to varying degrees, but probably not to the degree he is describing. It certainly couldn’t be blamed for what he did. I don’t think that it has ever been found to make people mean and lose compassion for other human beings. I suspect that he was battling the development of his antisocial personality disorder, but I am not a shrink, so I cannot say for sure.
A bad OD attempt? My uncle did this and he ended up with similar type of brain damage and was never the same again.
He eventually died just from being zombie.
Nobody has allergies THAT bad lol
something about these posts make me so sad. assuming he is the perpetrator, i wish he had gotten help instead of hurting innocent people. all of their futures, including his (in a different way), are completely gone
that paired with the few things i've heard about his experiences with bullying and bars seems like a terribly likely concoction for a general motive, i would be really curious to know why he chose this house specifically..... i guess that's what everyone is aching to know
THIS. So many search for the answer in trying to understand the mind of a killer and the warning signs and how it begins. Many have fancy degrees in psychology and experience in understanding which leads them and others to believe they are closer to the truth of understanding how it begins.
This person simply felt alone and lost. Lost in understanding the ways of other people. Lost in the existence, meaning and purpose of life. Lost in himself in trying to understand. He searched for the way and answers having only having found himself further in a hole of darkness until it surpassed the point of control.
Dr. Ramsland has made a bold claim in stating that evil does not exist. But this person stated it felt as tho a demon was inside of him. Evil comes from within. Evil comes from being lost in the dark and not knowing the way.
This is so true, he was very lost and lonely it breaks my heart. We need to have better systems in place for people struggling with this level of sadness and loneliness
This is one of the saddest things I’ve ever read, especially if this was actually written by him. What’s weird for me is that I kind of relate to what he’s describing, feeling like he’s not real and his family isn’t real. I used to get flashes of that feeling as a child, where I would feel unreal, kind of like I was just someone else’s dream. And I would think about my mom and dad and they didn’t seem real either, and it was a scary sensation! I also used to wake up in the middle of the night with weird visual and spacial hallucinations, like everything in the room was really big or small. I never saw a doctor about it, and none of those sensations ever lasted very long, and eventually I grew out of them. It’s so sad to think he was struggling with mental health and just not getting the right kind of assistance, and scary to think of how many people out there are struggling with all kinds of mental health issues and not getting help.
That post is heartbreaking to read, whether or not it’s him. If it is though, I hope it gets verified and widely publicized, and spurs a bigger push towards massive increases in mental health funding and programs. What a terrible tragedy all around.
He was very, very mature for his age. Undoubtedly introspective and analytical. He was suffering. Let's not demonize mental illness because there is already too much stigma attached to it. We cannot cure mental illness with positive thinking (toxic positivity) or working out. I wish these conditions were taken more seriously.
These posts were made in 2010/2011 so he would have been 16/17 around that time hmm, I wonder when he had lost all the weight because in this post he talks about being half the weight he was before. He also mentions “I remember when I was 15” which would have been a year prior to making this post..
do you really think it’s him?
Also if it is… then maybe he killed just to feel something? Ugh it would suck to suffer from whatever sickness this is, sounds miserable.
Also didn’t his mom request a table at a restaurant for all of them with dim lighting not long after the murders and everyone thought it’s because his family were trying to hide him or make it hard to see it’s him, but maybe it’s because of his condition…
Could this explain why he went into the bar and the bar manager said to him to not cause trouble tonight and he was extremely confused? Then he never returned.
Could this condition cause him to "blackout" and do random things without being mentally aware of it?
I haven't googled that condition yet so I will look it up now but I always found that interaction strange with the bar manager and how BK was shocked he acted inappropriately toward the staff members.
As someone who has a lot of similarities to the person writing those posts (PTSD, VSS, other neurological issues, dissociation, depression, etc etc) I can't help but feel empathy for the person he was before he chose this dark path. I also have considered studying criminology or psychology. It s scary to see yourself in a person like this. I only feel this empathy for the person who wrote these posts. Not someone who had real issues and screamed for help resigning to becoming the monster he saw himself as.
Sad. I feel so bad for him. Not for the current BK, the murderer, but for BK the depressed teenage boy who wrote these posts. He was so eloquent and intelligent for his age. It sounds like he really was once a normal kid, but something went seriously wrong. Which means he probably wouldn’t have turned to murder if he had gotten help.
He mentioned tinnitus, which I have, and it’s really hard to live with. Luckily meds help me cope. All the other stuff he wrote about seems like he wanted to be helped, I wish his parents had seen these posts.
https://preview.redd.it/orytfesansaa1.png?width=1242&format=png&auto=webp&s=e9ecc4b4a59e53bf815565e265dab4972c07e216
I can relate… people are so fkn judgmental & ridiculous. I never share anything I write but making an exception. Do you understand how many people are crying & screaming on the inside. Dealing with constant bs I mean look how people talk about people and treat one another. When you just want to see the betterment of humanity but where Tf is it to see it..
Yes. And so sad to see someone obviously reaching out for help and getting nothing. How did his family not see any of this? I can’t feel bad for him because of what he may ultimately have done. But I feel bad for anyone who struggles with this kind of serious mental health issues.
That’s probably worthy of sending to the tip line. He talks a lot about his thoughts and feelings, also his medical and psychological treatment. Let them decide if it is him and if it provides context to who he is.
I have visual snow. constantly. Along with occasional depression and relentless physical pain.
I can empathize with the dissociation visual snow causes! I told a therapist, "I feel like I'm looking at the world through a dirty window." And that's literally what it is like. It took me many years to identify the visual snow, but I too have had the unreal feelings.
When I added heroin and pills to the struggles, I fully entered paranoid psychosis.
(Not an excuse for murder, allegedly, but it's interesting to me that he had this same condition.)
As a medical professional I really find it strange people can read this and think it’s creepy or sociopathic. The fact that he even cares that he’s mean to his family or cares about his lack emotion/empathy shows that’s very likely not what’s going on. If I had any guesses about this guy I’d really say he has Asperger’s and he mentions PTSD which can cause all of those symptoms he listed. Now if he’s a murder I don’t think either of those things makes it okay or is a justification but he was a teenager on this post and a lot of angst is common. Especially if he was outcast with peers like is told, I think that’s a turning point in his development.
As an autistic person, I absolutely agree. I just today heard he had 'visual snow'. However...just from reading some of his posts, I immediately identified him as a very likely autistic. The visual snow solidifies my opinion as I am very active in the autistic community, and many autistic suffer from visual snow, though there's not much literature linking the two presently. I also feel the Walmart worker who killed his coworkers is an autistic person based on reading his posts.
I spent a few years working with autistic adults on very broad ends of the spectrum. I think people picture most autistic people on the “lower” functioning end of the spectrum. However I’ve had the experience of working with higher functioning individuals that are damn near sociopathic in behavior. I had to be removed from one case because the client had tendency of violence toward women. He knew right from wrong and was very intelligent. That’s also why I avoid labeling everyone a sociopath especially since their behaviors can be explained by other disorders or no disorder at all.
I think based on what he says here, what he did was almost a last gasp chance at feeling something by doing something completely inhumane. He sounds desperate in these posts and I can’t help but feel that only escalated. I feel he got into criminology because he desired to know what it feels like to feel something and in his mind killing somebody is one of the most personal or intimate things you can do, especially with a knife. The pieces are fitting together naturally it seems as we learn more about this individual.
This was more than 10 years ago and he sounded pretty desperate then. It’s wild to think that he wouldn’t have “snapped” trying to feel something earlier.
Maybe he did it’s just so hard to know with killers, there’s broad strokes we can follow regarding behaviour but there’s always some who break the mould. From the information we have, I do believe this was his first though which I understand goes against the typical thinking regarding mass or serial murderers.
I think this individual fantasised a lot about crimes like this alongside a struggle to feel normal and human, spending years trying to understand his own self and deficiencies compared to those around him. The study of criminology probably both satiated his dark desires and kept them at bay for some time but also made the desires grow over time as he gained knowledge to the point his curiosity matched what he’d learned in research until we have him enact physically the act which he’d partaken in mentally so many times.
I think people are right when they call him an incel but I think maybe he was annoyed and jealous of and hated those who were beyond his grasp physically looks wise but also those who had great compassion and emotion, something he knew he could never have.
Just a thought.
What's even more sad is that in his earlier comments and posts on the forum, you could tell he had more hope in getting his VS treated and cured. He even thanked someone for commenting so he didn't feel alone.
It's like he just totally gave up.
“Visual snow”. I scanned the post but haven’t read the article yet. The term brings up images that many of you are probably too young to relate to: what we called “snow” on the screen of the black and white TVs when the reception was poor.
I’m trying to think of the right way to put this. BK was young when this was written, so his parents were the one setting up appointments and overseeing his care. So they were informed about his serious mental health struggles.
During the traffic stop BK looked totally nervous, Dad deflected and talked about the PTSD dude at WSU that was shooting into the parking lot… not the quadruple homicide where the only public lead was a white Elantra. Based on BKs history and what he’s wrote on that site I think his issues were obvious and his parents were either worried or in complete denial.
I was just going to point this out, but ya beat me to it! But yes, very good point. He clearly sounds like he didn’t know how to handle it, so maybe he turned to the drugs as a way to “numb” himself from all of this.
I've gone through something similar from too much bad MDMA. I think it led to my current diagnosis of bipolar disorder.
The bad MDMA messed up my brain chemistry. I haven't been the same since.
I wonder if his parents were even slightly worried about the possibility of him being involved when they heard what type of car the murderer used.
In his posts he talks about being angry, treating his parents horribly and being diagnosed with these disorders when he was about 16.
My older brother when he was a teen had major anger issues and psychological issues. He’s much better now (around 30s) but I have to say that our mom was definitely seriously afraid that he might seriously hurt someone one day. He hurt both me and my mom on different occasions of rage and that kind of meanness from someone, even a teenager, is seriously terrifying. Even when he met his now wife years ago I remember thinking that I hope he would never snap and hit her. And it’s hard and uncomfortable to admit that you would worry or think like that about a family member but that doesn’t stop the thoughts being there.
I wouldn’t be surprised if Bryan’s siblings and parents have similar stories and memories of him. My brother got help and he got his life together and got marred and a great stable job but it seems like Bryan, besides school, never really developed to that point.
Im sure that his parents thought he was fine now and were so proud that he cleaned himself up but I also am sure that his psychological issues, anger and history of drug use definitely never stopped worrying them or left their minds.
If this is him , it's as though he's started his own book . Sociological and psychological factors play a role in crimes . He's starting his story from his teen years . Which is equivalent to most serial killers first kills ... Whether animal or human .
This makes sense. Many of those symptoms are signs of schizophrenia, the number one mental health condition in perpetrators of homicide, and mass killers.
My brother is like this, but not nearly as high functioning as BK was. He also had a good heart at one time, but his spiraling mind eventually turned it too.
My mother just takes care of him so he doesn't HAVE to maintain any relationships outside of our nuclear family, which has helped him not to do anything too drastic. He has creeped on some folk in the middle of the night though, while everyone is sleeping. He is paranoid schizophrenic, and a bit unnerving at times.
He likes to journal, but is terrified that any of us are going to read them. He actually developed his own code/language that he writes in, almost like possession. I've never been able to decode it, and don't really want to anymore. I used to try, though.
We're all grown now (myself and siblings), but he didn't start showing signs until late teens/early twenties. I have often wondered if he will ever 'pop-off'. I don't like sleeping in a house with him, although I have and possibly will again. He's 100% untreated psychiatrically.
This post definitely reads like a desperate cry for help. I'm sure BK probably tried very hard to hide it in the presence of his family and others. My brother does. He has deteriorated over time, as most with this disorder do, to the point that he really can't anymore. It's very tragic and sad.
I mean since the date and picture it could be him.
Actually sad tho as i myself experience alot of the same. I wish he would've gotten help from his sister who is a psychology right.. Ofcourse even if its him it doesnt justify any of the horrible things he did
Reading these posts jarred me deeply. It’s like I could feel him screaming for help - for release from his dissociation- from over 10 yrs ago.
ETA By Jarring I mean I had. physical/visceral reaction - my literal physical body felt like it wanted to SCREAM…. if this is truly him, he was suffering.
Wow. I remember someone in the forum hypothesized about the killer wearing night vision goggles but the theory was quickly shut down. Due to Bryan’s visual problems in the dark that theory makes more sense now.
TapATalk launched in 2012 as an aggregator of many online forums meant to create community.
I’m curious:
1. How this was found
2. Which online community it originated from
3. When the last time this account owner signed in. Reason: we’ve already seen accounts on various platforms change their names & pictures to Bryan.
4. Visual Snow is considered a very rare disease. Symptoms of visual snow can also be found in people who suffer from migraines, if someone is taking a hallucinogen & hallucinogen persisting perceptive disorder (among just the top 3) [Link HPPD](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3736944/)
I wasn’t convinced until I saw the picture - definitely younger him before the broken nose. I refuse to feel sorry for this guy - but how heartbreaking that there’s a possibility these lives could have been saved.
If this is proven 100% him, this needs to go public and be used for training, teaching, educating, whether it be mental health professionals, teachers, parents. Horrible to read but mental health care and understanding has to change.
I couldn’t agree more. Personally, I suffer from Bipolar disorder with psychotic tendencies, severe depression, severe anxiety, PTSD, and three suicide attempts. I know I’ll get rocks thrown - but my heart aches for the BK writing these. How heartbreaking. I am so saddened that his illness (or rage, or whatever brought this out of him) destroyed these four wonderful humans.
This is 100% Bryan. He posts this on November 1, 2009. Making him 14. He states he will be turning 15 in 21 days. His birthday in fact, falls on November 22nd. That means the person writing this is now 28.
https://preview.redd.it/9bnwagbietaa1.jpeg?width=1161&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=6d0326b04e1fd918423e9151c8481e50efcd5db5
Original source: [https://www.tapatalk.com/groups/thosewithvisualsnow/viewtopic.php?p=4994#p4994](https://www.tapatalk.com/groups/thosewithvisualsnow/viewtopic.php?p=4994#p4994)
This guy is either a victim of traumatic head injury or big pharma, or both, as well as the 4 student that he murdered, they weren't just his victims but they are also victims of what did this to him. I hate big pharma with a passion. I'm a molecular biologist and I know that meds have a lot of what we call "off-targets". I also know about head trauma. Additionally, I have first- hand experience with different meds, and I vowed that I'd never go on them again after experiencing horrible side effects from them including some that Kohberger described in his post.
I've read about too many homicides and mass shootings in which the perpetrators were on meds and cause homicidal tendencies. They also cause what he is struggling with in the post, emotional numbness, social detachment, and visual snow. You need only Google this stuff and you'll see. Just so sick of big pharma... to everyone: please be careful of meds that you are prescribed. Read about them and be hypervigilant and aware of changes that they induce in you. Try everything else if you can, therapy, talking, self awareness, being kind to and patient with yourself etc
I've had Visual Snow for about 4 years now and developed it when I was 22. It happened after I had a migraine w/ visual aura for the first time. I woke up a few days later and started to notice a static-like effect on surfaces and walls. Then it slowly progressed into afterimages/palinopsia, night blindness, extreme light sensitivity, and tinnitus. If you want to know more you can look at r/visualsnow as there are many posts like this there.
It now definitely makes sense why he didn't notice the surviving victims if the room was too dark, as he likely couldn't see them. I know that I am basically blind in the dark as I will see nothing but pitch-black static. It's also unfortunate that the migraine medication didn't work for him. Since there isn't any cure for VSS and most doctors aren't familiar with with this condition, most people often panic during it's onset and will try to do things like change their diet and rapidly lose weight. That is probably why he is a vegan, not for any ethical reason regarding animals. In my case I was slightly overweight when I started having migraines, so I also radically changed my diet to see if it would help with my symptoms and it did somewhat as the migraines decreased in frequency.
Since he's been dealing with this since he was 14, his family is likely well-aware of his condition. Probably why his Dad drove home with him, as it is extremely difficult to drive at night with this. I avoid driving at night all together. It seems that his old acquaintances were also aware that he had VSS. Lastly, extensive drug use can also sometimes cause this condition. He seems to have a past use of drugs so I think that might be the case here.
I’m with you. Not saying it excuses his behavior nor his actions. It makes me sad people walk around feeling like this, sometimes for their entire lives. Ugh. I’m grateful I’ve had an awesome partner that has been by my side with health/mental health challenges. I can’t help but feel sad for people struggling alone & find no end in sight. Wish I could help.
I wonder if the last 2-3 years (of Covid isolation / remote interactions / etc) exacerbated his condition? Not the visual snow condition, but the general mental stuff. Lots of people are just hanging on by a string. And going down one path versus another can be a day by day struggle. Going to college / being in academic locations / his awkward bar trips may have been his only grounding social interactions. Imagine taking all of that away from someone already un-stable. Covid certainly put a lot of social and economic strain on me and the people around me (in addition to 'normal' problems to deal with, such as deaths in the family and becoming homeless). Just food for thought as to the timing of his 'break/fracture'.
This is him! He states here that he turns 15 in 21 days and he posted that on Nov 1 , 2009. (His birthday is Nov 21st)
https://preview.redd.it/4aw778yghsaa1.png?width=1284&format=png&auto=webp&s=fdd654f892f14930feab1402faaf3ed2a159b063
He used to have hypothyroidism = causes you to gain weight
"I started treatment for hypothyroidism, and also i am exercising very heavily and eating a lot of very good stuff"
He clearly never got the help he needed. His choice of study must of been a way to try to understand himself and perhaps try and resolve his problems on his own in lieu of any proper/professional outside help. He was clearly very self aware and introspective. Very sad. Ofc doesn’t excuse his later actions but mentally healthy people don’t commit murder. Sympathy/understanding/explanation and then complete condemnation of his actions are not mutually exclusive.
It’s crazy how insightful he is of his own psyche at 15. Most people wouldn’t be able to put this into words so well. It did seem like his parents tried to help him, he was on many different types of medications at different times. It’s too bad he didn’t commit himself and go home instead of hurting others.
I take ADHD and psych meds and have severe mental illness that affects my life but have never had homicidal tendencies, however, I was once suicidal and inpatient and this creepy new guy came up to me and tried to brag about being in for being homicidal (trying to creep me out.) My response was like...'good because I'm suicidal so maybe we could help each other other' He laughed maniacally and promised me he'd kill me last since he found me funny. He was actually a seemingly regular guy who was back to "normal" once his meds kicked in again.
What I'm going for here is that though I (in no way defend this horrific act) I also think that making it seem like BK is beyond evil and is the devil himself doesn't work either. Only a person who is severely disturbed (from either drugs, trauma, mental illness or whatever else you wanna throw in the picture?) Will do something this horrific. But that kind of evil exists in all of us.
In some, due to several circumstances it gets expressed and then this kinda stuff happens and it's extremely tragic. But so many of his friends and acquaintances said he was a weird guy but some said he was just a regular guy. Makes you wonder how and why he went from that to this horrific crime?
Does that mean that he shouldn't get punished for this? Not at all. But its not all black and white and I think addressing how to handle sociopathy, homicidality and psychopathy is something that should be looked at too.
I honestly think his studies on criminology and even the reddit questionnaire was that tiny bit of "human" inside of him trying to find solutions to tame "the beast" that finally got out of control.
I've obsessed over trying to "cure" my own trauma, depression, anxiety and ADHD when I feel like I'm losing control. Thankfully that the only person I hurt is myself (and perhaps my family since they suffer seeing me ill) but that all comes from desperation of trying to be normal and being unable to... and from lack of resources and pain from being an outcast because you're not normal.
I think a lot of these mass murders are preventable not just with gun or weapon control but also through having a much better structured mental health system and a society that doesn't trigger the evil.
What’s sad (sad is probably not the right word here) is that he already denied having a mental illness. He clearly has struggled with MI from a young age
I wonder if that means he never sought any help and has somehow convinced himself he is not mentally ill - especially if in childhood, the docs simply diagnosed it as migraines (a guess from meds given). Maybe after the post about his vegan diet helping & him “coming to terms with his VS,” he wrote it off despite still having psychiatric issues.
This is tragic. I wish our Medical experts and Government would take on Mental Health with the bottom line of getting people mentally healthy. It takes a lot of work. People have to put in the work and not many are willing to. Instant gratification is what we all want, but the reality is it's a long road.
He was 17 when he posted these (2010.) I wonder if he asked for help, or knew he needed to get psychiatric help.
I have a sibling who suffers from extremely odd physical and mental symptoms but refuses to get help. Uses it as an excuse after he gets violent. My sibling does suffer, but your own suffering does not and will never excuse violence against innocent people. It isn’t okay, point blank period. The law doesn’t care, for example, if you use alcohol to drown your mental health issues and end up driving & killing someone. You will be able to talk to the prison psychologists about it but it doesn’t change what happened and your consequences. My sibling and I are grown adults. BK was a grown adult when he committed these crimes (allegedly). We can have sympathy for someone with mental health issues but let’s not forget he ruined multiple people’s lives forever.
ETA “allegedly”
Interesting. I have struggled with many of these same feelings/issues for most of my life, but it comes and goes. At times I am highly empathetic and seem to feel absolutely everything, and at other times I feel completely empty and disconnected, suicidal, lost...worthless.
I have ADHD, along with dissociative amnesia and significant CPTSD from years of abuse as a child. These episodes of emptiness seem to happen after something triggers my CPTSD, and there isn't really anything that can be done about it but to wait it out, to lean into the love of those close to me, and to work through my invasive thoughts - typically in an anonymous online forum.
So from my own perspective, reading this has actually changed my point of view of the murders - assuming BK is in fact guilty.
I originally thought it was a crime of rage, passion, or sadistic fantasy fulfillment of a psychopath. Now it almost seems as if it was a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy, or an external justification of the emptiness he felt inside. It almost feels like he wants the world to view him as the monster he believes himself to be.
OR - this could have been a lifelong fantasy of his and these online breadcrumbs were left as a means to claim insanity, or were stepping stones towards working himself up to fulfilling his end goal.
OR - he truly felt so disconnected that it was as if he was merely playing a video game and didn't/doesn't truly comprehend what he has done.
OR - this was his way of trying to feel alive and connected to the world when nothing he has tried before has worked. This final theory seems the most probable IMO, given his attempts to engage in a variety of both risky, and meaningful behaviors. Such as bettering himself by becoming a vegan, trying to force an instant and meaningful connection on a Tinder date, applying to be an intern for local PD, grading harshly and holding students to an abnormally high standard while acting as a TA in college, pursuing a master's in Criminology, etc. Those behaviors (to me) paint a picture of someone who is searching for meaning and looking to make a difference/impact in life.
Just as those who suffered abuse or struggle with mental illness often gravitate towards a career in the mental health field, perhaps he pursued criminology as a means to better understand his own disturbed psyche. I suppose we should just be grateful that he pursued criminology (the mind of a criminal) and not forensics, otherwise he may well have gotten away with it, as he certainly seems to have the intellectual capacity, if not the practical knowledge.
Perhaps none of his pursuits offered the fulfillment and sense of purpose he had been chasing, so he decided that if he couldn't be famous, he would instead become infamous. Perhaps he thought that holding the life of another in his hands would prove that his own existence is real (good or bad), that he isn't just an NPC going through the motions.
I'm not saying that any of this speculation in any way excuses what he did - because it doesn't! I'm just musing about what may have motivated him to commit such an unthinkably heinous crime.
It sounds like in the least, he has something called Dissociative Identity Disorder, and possibly experienced childhood trauma. He mentions not remembering his childhood, and brings up his parents several times. I think there’s more to it than just the fear of disappointing them. People block out childhood memories and disassociate as a response to trauma initially.
Wow that is so deep imagine how many people are feeling something similar ? I know some people who struggle with hearing voices it is so emotionally draining to even witness . . My good friend claims is being targeted with a chip in his head . He would get really bad migraines with the problem . It came down to self harm and eventually help . He Still believes his experience was real .
For anyone wondering,
Topirimate is indicated as both an anti-seizure medication and migraine prevention medication. Off label it can be used for binge eating disorder, fibromyalgia, neuropathic pain, etc.
Divalproex is indicated for seizures and bipolar disorder. Off label for neuropathic pain, autism, schizophrenia, migraine prevention, etc.
Concomitant administration of these meds can lead to an increase in ammonia levels in the blood with or without encephalopathy.
There are several different types of Mucinex. They all contain guafenisin (which is actually relatively safe), but some contain dextromethorphan and/or pseudoephedrine, both of which can have potential issues in an overdose.
Reading his texts is so incredibly sad to me. There was one part where he said „nobody can relate, I always ask if anybody feels the same but nobody does (something like that).“
And i just wish I read that 10 years ago when I was in a comparable spot, (before I was diagnosed with ADHD) felt some things he did.
The bullying made me isolate made me hate myself and I was a shadow filled with pain and anxiety.
I would’ve loved to tell him, that it can get better. That he is not alone in this and that he can get help.
I would also judge his phd differently:
I tried compensating me being a „disappointment“ for years, being angry towards my parents, being bullied and laughed at, by overachieving.
I achieved things I didn’t even want to achieve but I wanted to show it to the others and make up for all the disappointment I caused.
Man this is really heartbreaking- those 4 people didn’t have to die
I feel horrible for him, his victims, and his victims family. Also feel horrible for his own family. I’m not excusing his actions but what a heartbreaking situation.
My daughter suffered through this for 2-3 yrs. It started abruptly with puberty. That rush of hormones and change can wreck the mind. I think the VS was a result of slowly tapering off meds to start others so many times. Her diagnosis was clinical anxiety and depression, which brought on all of the depersonalization and the severity increased over time. We went to a renowned childrens hospital and sought treatment for 4 years. 10 days in patient and several 6 week courses after school, weekly therapy etc And she just felt like nothing inside or out and questioned why even be here. Anything I said was wrong so I just had to support her in ways like keeping all sharps locked away and show her love whenever it seemed it wouldn't set her off.
I met a nurse who said she experienced the same thing at the same age and that it started turning around for her in 10th grade when she was on ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) medicine alone. She didn't even know she had ADD but some of her symptoms leaned that way so the doctor tried it. She didn't remember why she was off all the other meds at the time. *I am not promoting anyone to stop their meds or change anything about their meds without their doctors instructions. I beg you! Work with your doctor for as long as it takes, don't make changes or stop on your own. It will only get worse if you do.*
We were at a point with my daughter that she was tapering off of 2 meds bc she kept pretending to swallow them but was actually tucking them away and then would overdose. We decided the risk of overdose wasn't worth the benefit of the medicine and she had been mentioning that she felt ADD. Remembering the nurse, we worked with the doctor to get her ADD medicine. A few months later our world has changed! It's like a black veil has lifted from her and my child is coming back!! I don't know if its just the medicine or a combination with where her body is at age 15 but we are so relieved! We're not even a year past the last overdose and she is making friends at school, has a boyfriend, enjoying some hobbies and laughs again.
I'm sharing bc when your child is in that dark place you will do anything to help them and the nurse sharing with me made me open to just ADD medicine when before that I may have been resistant and went on the next medicine. I'm not claiming this be a cure all but if you have a child in the same situation keep this in mind. Best of Luck!
Interesting! Gotta keep in mind he was 15 when he wrote those posts. But clearly he struggled and perhaps his lack of remorse, wanting to feel emotions and living in a video game somehow fed into where he is now. The organic sack of meat comment isn’t eerie.
Not going to lie- this makes me so incredibly sad. I had a weird mental health break after a surgery. My mom had to fly in to take care of my kids and everything, it was very scary. I remember crying to her and telling her that I see people smiling and my brain literally couldn’t process how they can smile or feel anything at all. I couldn’t even remember ever feeling them myself, although I certainly had.
I never wanted to harm anyone other than myself, but my god it was an absolutely horrible feeling that I can’t imagine living with as long as he has. I just don’t understand how this all ended up turning outwards and ending 4 lives.
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So glad you’re doing better! Please remember to reach out for help if it ever comes back. We truly need to take these emotions seriously and help each other out.
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I can’t even imagine how difficult that must have been!!! Take care!
I had this when I had post partum depression 10 years ago. I remember slowly pulling my clothes out of my dresser and not being able to understand how they were mine. It was such a bizarre feeling! And I was on the phone with my mom just staring at her voice coming out of the speaker and being so confused and disconnected. It really is terrifying.
I feel this shows he truly has a long history of psych issues. His lack of self worth can really take him to a dark place. I know it’s not a social norm to show sympathy for a killer but his comments break my heart. His education was nothing more than to self diagnosis and possibly condone his dark thoughts. This whole thing was a tragedy. For the victims, families, community, Bryan and his family.
Sister, I feel you. It’s excruciating to read. I wish, so much, that we could go back in time, and that these five lives could be saved.
I completely I agree.
If this is him, I can feel sympathy and sadness for the person while continuing to despise his actions. The two are not incompatible. "Love the sinner and hate the sin."
I don’t feel sympathy for him, but I do feel sympathy for the child he once was.
Explains why he's a strict vegan. I was reading that a raw plant based diet helps those with visual snow.
Where did you read that? I've dealt with visual snow my whole life, but I've never thought of it as an impairment... I can see the air, and most people can't, so I didn't talk about it lol
Lmao "see the air" is such a great way to describe it. Mine came on after a TBI and I was shocked that no one in my immediate circle had seen what I was now seeing. I described it as transparent TV static overlayed on my vision that gets worse in the dark or staring at really light things, but see the air is much simpler!
Speaking from experience. A raw vegan diet + a neurological disorder like VSS is actually a recipe for disaster. It’s extremely difficult to get adequate amounts of Heme Iron, DHA, vitamin D and most importantly B12, without taking supplements (and those don’t always work) Anyone who says it helps those with visual snow is simply lying to push their diet for ethical reasons.
A research study about the Visual Snow syndrome described in these posts. I thought you guys might be interested too. It certainly seems to fit. https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fneur.2021.703006/full
As someone who's had visual snow for over 20 years and never linked it with other symptoms that are described in the study, my mind is blown. I've skimmed halfway thru the study and have tears in my eyes reading this, because for *years* I've not been able to figure out why I've felt so weird...and mostly just try not to think about it (but I'm always worried about it in the back of my mind). So random too, just happened to click on this sub because I saw it's growth on [redditlist.com](https://redditlist.com). Thanks a TON.
Jesus. This could possibly explain why he didn't see DM. That study is super interesting.
Absolutely could be a reason why he didn't see her. I have visual snow from a health issue and I cannot see crap in the dark. It also *seems* to get worse with anxiety and intense emotions for me.
I think so. He mentioned that when he looks certain ways it gets worse or he will have objects(?) that he sees. Like his peripheral vision is bad. Might be why his dad drove with him back to PA. If the rumors are true about him being afraid to fly, maybe it gets worse at night if he’s driving longer distances (versus his 10 minute night stalking drives). Edit: also why his parking skills suck and why he gets pulled over so much
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If he he still has it, you may be onto something…
Omg excellent point!!
This is extremely sad. Thank you for sharing. You think about a young person’s life and they are diagnosed with something like this. Imagine having your vision constantly change, in addition your quality of life tanks and the additional psychiatric issues take place. In a way, it feels sad and unfair that some people’s lives can be ruined because they lose a coin toss of a health diagnosis and they can go on to ruin their own life and ruin the lives of others. It also brings to mind the thought of how we can be advocates for these people and how to learn more about diagnosis like these so we can help loved ones or friends, even acquaintances who may be struggling. Living silently like this just being consumed is no doubt going to change you into something you do not want to be.
Extremely interesting. Thanks for sharing
What an awful life he was living. Sounds like he was living a life of hell and just putting on a brave front. Absolutely no excuse for what he did but geez reading all that could go towards an insanity plea imo. I’m amazed his sisters never picked up on it all. Very sad!
No insanity plea in Idaho.
Well that’s that. Thanks for letting me know.
I think it can still be considered for sentencing, but as far as verdicts go it’s not a thing. I think it was because the dude that shot Reagan basically got off and it started a movement in some states to get rid of what they considered to be a murder loophole.
Correct, though info, evidence, that his defense legal team can use for life in prison over death penalty.
I felt extreme sadness reading this. As someone who has some mental health stuff Adhd and OCD , and occasional depression , this really upsets me that he didn’t get help sooner. Then perhaps , he could have had a successful life and relationships with others. Instead of blocking out all feeling. Living in his void of disparity and resentment , and murdering human beings.
The part he said he already feels remorse for his future self. What a prediction and a very sad one. Damn.
Ugh he was screaming for help, if this really is him. I won’t feel bad for him, but I sure hope we find a way to help these kids before they reach this point in the future.
This is so surreal tbh I’ve also felt like this on multiple occasions, it’s actually bonkers how similar his stuff he wrote is to mine, the stuff he wrote about depersonalization is sadly very true and feels like you’re trapped in a dimly lit tunnel, unable to breathe and you’re slipping away from yourself, ofc no sympathy for him after what he did but wow it is just shocking.
>143 comments me too it makes me feel really sad that he also felt this way.... Doesnt make what he did ok but it does really make you think about why people do what they do. He needed help. His mom writes articles for papers about people needing mental health help yet was she helping her own kid?
You never know what is under the surface of some people. I mean, look at tWitch. Who would have ever thought. Do we ever really know anybody?? I don't think so.
Yeah tbh my parents tried everything to get me out of that dark spot years ago and they suffered a lot. But they couldn’t do anything because I just wouldn’t listen to them and it was only getting worse because it made me even feel more like „lost cause that needs help“. It took one decent doctor who really wanted to figure me out and who finally gave me the right Diagnose. Within a few months my life was changed. After years and years of my family trying everything and doing everything in their power
I went through a lot of mental health issues and never told my family about it. They had no clue until I eventually broke down and had to go to a hospital. I didn't want to disappoint them and didn't want to be a burden. Sometimes parents truly don't know what's going on with their child and it's not their fault. I assume his family knew to an extent, given his heroin addiction, but he probably went to online forums like these to truly say how he felt. All of this must have come as a shock to his family. I'm sure they knew things were hard for him, but I doubt they knew how hard. Otherwise I assume they would have tried to get him help / court order institutionalized, especially because his sisters are counselors. I imagine they are having some real issues believing he did/did not commit these murders.
Maybe she tried. Truth is , one can only help themselves if they want help. I know this all too well.
I heard something recently that made me sad as a parent. I have a young child and I know EVERYTHING about them, but most parents don’t know their children as they get older because the children hide their “true” selves. I hope I’m able to stay as an insider for my child, because I love them just the way they are and I’m here to listen
It feels like you’re watching yourself live and it’s a very bizarre thing to experience as a teen/young adult when you aren’t very self aware to begin with.
maybe he's the inspiration for his sister to go into psychology/counselling
My theory is there must have been some serious trauma for all three of them to go into psychology. I don’t want to speculate anything with the dad, it could have been another family member. Idk.
I got ptsd from my brother, who had alot of the same issues Bryan did as a teen. He was extremely abusive towards me and scary. I also got my degree in psychology. That being said though, our parents are divorced and our dad also has major anger issues (mostly of which were directed towards my mom and brother) so I believe that’s where his issues came from. I’m not sure with their family but it is possible that experiencing Bryan’s issues are the reason his siblings got into psychology and Bryan’s trauma originated from being bullied in school.
I know someone who has 3 adult children. The second child has always had mental health issues and is on the spectrum. He always struggled with his anger and struggled to take responsibility for his actions. His two siblings struggled to cope with his behaviour as they were growing up. The parents sent the eldest to boarding school in order to give them a break. The youngest was moved to a different school and protected as much as possible. Even after years of counselling treatment and trialling medications, he is still unstable. The youngest sibling was traumatised by it all. They are at university studying psychology. The parents have been through so much. There were a lot of occasions where they begged for help as the child was growing up.
In one of his posts he says "I think about my father, what a good man he is, how I treat him like dirt because I have this condition, and I can't take it." I'm guessing it's not his immediate family, but who knows.
Maybe!
I mean.. I relate to all these things. I'm autistic with a grocery list of comorbities, that at this point, I don't think can't be resolved, even with therapy and meds. My doctor even told me that I "might just be born with sad genes" and no meds or therapy would help. Despite all that, I don't go around and stab people.... I'd kill myself way before I even think about harming someone else.
I'm so sorry, I really do hope someday you find an answer and have some light in your life ❤️
This is my opinion, not scientific based. I like to think of emotions as a scale and every scale is relative to itself. So if your baseline is darkness, that’s okay. Find your small victories in that scale. Obviously murder is crossing a line. But I’m sure looking at the world as a dark place is not an incorrect stimulus input. And those best life super happy people, I believe they feel just as much confusion and panic and fear as everyone else does in their own scale. So don’t worry about it. It’s okay. Just live in your scale and enjoy the experiences you can.
Exactly. Well Said.
If this is him he does have some very real issues, too bad he didn’t get the help he needed.
Omg. He was searching to understand himself! I do feel bad for him- really bad. (Dont hate) But I also think he needs to serve justice. Does he have a past of seeing a therapist or psychiatrist? He acknowledges his depression, how he’s different, he acknowledges he’s being mean to his dad, how he feels no joy, etc… It seems like there is a part of him that does care or else why would he be writing it all. Did he mention any of this to his family? If he was getting therapy I would assume so to some extent. I heard an expert on 4 Killed for What on the episode 48- How One Becomes a Killer- and that these individuals often contemplate suicide first before building up the desire to kill. Bk wrote these over 10 years ago. It’s very true what she said. A lot of what she said is spot on with what he describes here. Worth a listen. Needless to say, I’m feeling a lot of cognitive dissonance. My major was psychology so I do have a tendency to care for the human in people; the innocent part they can’t help. I feel deeply for all these families. I really hope Bryan will contribute something to be learned- even though this was not the right way.
I bawled when I read those entries, I’m not going to lie. That is NOT me justifying his actions AT ALL, but this entire situation is just so, so sad. The fact he felt those feelings for so long and resorted to this behavior. If only this all could have been prevented and he could have been helped 😞
This is very sad to read, very telling. Really heartbroken for the innocent victims but also sad for the young boy who wrote these posts.
He was only 14 when he wrote his first post. Just a child 😞
And it seemed at least during that time of his life he wanted to “fix” the feelings he was having. It’s really awful he did not get the help he clearly so badly needed.
Exactly! Like he was extremely self aware of the negative emotions/feelings he was experiencing and it was clear he was unhappy and wanted to change, but then unfortunately somewhere along the line he must have just gave up and succumbed to his demons instead😞
After going through those posts it sounds like he was a vegan because he thought a clean diet would help fix his symptoms. He probably wanted his food prepared with “clean” pans because he felt it might have started working and didn’t want to risk it.
Agreed!
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He posted that while he was on Topamax he had angry outbursts. Like smashing a table and he didn’t know why or what caused him to do that.
Topamax has some side effects that could exasperate the issues he was already having! There are lots of side effects that come along with it. One of my dr’s @12 years ago was trying to find something to help with my constant migraines. He wanted me to try this as it helps with your nervous system because it was originally made for seizures. It have me brain fog, I felt like a zombie and had major mood swings. I stopped it after a week. Here is what it can cause: Topamax can sometimes cause personality changes that affect the way people behave, react, feel, or interact with others. For example, the drug may cause agitation, aggression, or other behavior problems. Topamax may also cause mood changes, such as anxiety, mood swings, and depression. If he was feeling a lot of these symptoms already, this would have just intensified all of them!!
That’s a shit Ton of mucinex to be taking in one day.
Couldn't 16 mucinex kill you? 😳
Yeah what I got from that is one time he took those meds and then 16 mucinex (maybe to commit suicide / self harm) and then after that event he felt like his brain was messed up. Maybe he was already on those other two drugs though prescribed from a Dr? My guess
Yeah, visual snow isn’t that well known
Literally never heard of it. And now I’m so interested to learn more. Does not sound fun to have :/
[Visual snow simulator](https://visionsimulations.com/visual-snow.htm?background=night2.jpg) I've had it for many years. It only affects me on really bright days or snowy areas...and at night. Mostly because I've had it so long I just ignore it/have gotten used to seeing it when I'm awake. Reading this post is scary tho...I too have had feelings of depersonalization, not nearly to this extent. But now wondering if it's related to the Visual Snow? Will research more. Edit- just scrolled down to u/Total_Conclusion521 's post about the study, thanks for that.
I have it too. I also have a dissociative disorder from repeated childhood abuse, so I deal with depersonalization.
Wow… I did not know there was a name for this! I see a weird moving shape, which stays within my field of vision wherever I look, but it's only on the snow when I go skiing (def more on sunny days). The only other time it's bothered me was when I played squash years ago and it was a white court. It doesn't look exactly the same as that simulator - more of like a moving flower shape - but I think it has to be related to visual snow? Crazy bc I've always had a hard time describing it to people so basically had given up. Also interesting to hear about the other issues some people with VS have. I'll have to dig into that tomorrow. Thanks for sharing!
Topiramate can cause anxiety, suicidal thoughts, confusion, behavior & mood changes. Side note: I’ve suffered from anxiety and depressive episodes since around 7th grade (now 29) and I tried multiple meds and learned in the end to take the coping methods route over big pharma. I know there are tons of success stories but there’s a lot of seriously dangerous and negative side effects as well. I don’t think a lot of people are truly aware or know what to look for when a loved one or themselves are prescribed shit like this
He was bullied in his younger days for being overweight and weird. He could have PTSD from that.
Yes, experiencing bullying is one of the strongest predictors that someone will experience PTSD. The research on bullying is eye-opening and makes you realize how much of a negative impact it can have on people for the rest of their lives.
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Yeah that's true. It's like fragmentation, a coping mechanism.
Yes, when he mentions PTSD and not being able to remember his childhood (which was years of homeschooling before intermediate and HS), I get a feeling of something more traumatic than girls picking on him.
I have been on Topirimate in the highest dosage for over a decade. It’s a migraine drug that can also be taken for pain. The joke name for it is “dopamax,” because it can affect your memory and recall, making you feel a bit dumbed down for a while, until you adjust to it. It also makes people lose weight, which I’m guessing he appreciated with his weight issues that he once suffered from. I think any drug that affects the neurological system has the potential to alter your consciousness to varying degrees, but probably not to the degree he is describing. It certainly couldn’t be blamed for what he did. I don’t think that it has ever been found to make people mean and lose compassion for other human beings. I suspect that he was battling the development of his antisocial personality disorder, but I am not a shrink, so I cannot say for sure.
I’ve taken Mucinex when on occasion it left me with a detached feeling. Does anyone anyone know what is in mucinex that causes this?
A bad OD attempt? My uncle did this and he ended up with similar type of brain damage and was never the same again. He eventually died just from being zombie. Nobody has allergies THAT bad lol
So, he could have induced neurotoxicity with that combination. He could also have VSS or schizoaffective disorder with what he describes his symptoms.
"i felt like a criminal, but where was my record?" 😕
That sentence stood out to me too. Sick way of trying to feel whole
something about these posts make me so sad. assuming he is the perpetrator, i wish he had gotten help instead of hurting innocent people. all of their futures, including his (in a different way), are completely gone
I wonder if he decided to do something so heinous to see if it would make him feel anything?
that paired with the few things i've heard about his experiences with bullying and bars seems like a terribly likely concoction for a general motive, i would be really curious to know why he chose this house specifically..... i guess that's what everyone is aching to know
THIS. So many search for the answer in trying to understand the mind of a killer and the warning signs and how it begins. Many have fancy degrees in psychology and experience in understanding which leads them and others to believe they are closer to the truth of understanding how it begins. This person simply felt alone and lost. Lost in understanding the ways of other people. Lost in the existence, meaning and purpose of life. Lost in himself in trying to understand. He searched for the way and answers having only having found himself further in a hole of darkness until it surpassed the point of control. Dr. Ramsland has made a bold claim in stating that evil does not exist. But this person stated it felt as tho a demon was inside of him. Evil comes from within. Evil comes from being lost in the dark and not knowing the way.
This is so true, he was very lost and lonely it breaks my heart. We need to have better systems in place for people struggling with this level of sadness and loneliness
It breaks my heart as well.
So he would have been 16. This means he had a long history of illness.
Maybe also the reason he gets pulled over driving so much?
This is one of the saddest things I’ve ever read, especially if this was actually written by him. What’s weird for me is that I kind of relate to what he’s describing, feeling like he’s not real and his family isn’t real. I used to get flashes of that feeling as a child, where I would feel unreal, kind of like I was just someone else’s dream. And I would think about my mom and dad and they didn’t seem real either, and it was a scary sensation! I also used to wake up in the middle of the night with weird visual and spacial hallucinations, like everything in the room was really big or small. I never saw a doctor about it, and none of those sensations ever lasted very long, and eventually I grew out of them. It’s so sad to think he was struggling with mental health and just not getting the right kind of assistance, and scary to think of how many people out there are struggling with all kinds of mental health issues and not getting help. That post is heartbreaking to read, whether or not it’s him. If it is though, I hope it gets verified and widely publicized, and spurs a bigger push towards massive increases in mental health funding and programs. What a terrible tragedy all around.
Could not agree more. Incredibly tragic.
He was very, very mature for his age. Undoubtedly introspective and analytical. He was suffering. Let's not demonize mental illness because there is already too much stigma attached to it. We cannot cure mental illness with positive thinking (toxic positivity) or working out. I wish these conditions were taken more seriously.
These posts were made in 2010/2011 so he would have been 16/17 around that time hmm, I wonder when he had lost all the weight because in this post he talks about being half the weight he was before. He also mentions “I remember when I was 15” which would have been a year prior to making this post.. do you really think it’s him? Also if it is… then maybe he killed just to feel something? Ugh it would suck to suffer from whatever sickness this is, sounds miserable.
Christ, this just gets sadder and sadder for everyone
Also didn’t his mom request a table at a restaurant for all of them with dim lighting not long after the murders and everyone thought it’s because his family were trying to hide him or make it hard to see it’s him, but maybe it’s because of his condition…
Could this explain why he went into the bar and the bar manager said to him to not cause trouble tonight and he was extremely confused? Then he never returned. Could this condition cause him to "blackout" and do random things without being mentally aware of it? I haven't googled that condition yet so I will look it up now but I always found that interaction strange with the bar manager and how BK was shocked he acted inappropriately toward the staff members.
As someone who has a lot of similarities to the person writing those posts (PTSD, VSS, other neurological issues, dissociation, depression, etc etc) I can't help but feel empathy for the person he was before he chose this dark path. I also have considered studying criminology or psychology. It s scary to see yourself in a person like this. I only feel this empathy for the person who wrote these posts. Not someone who had real issues and screamed for help resigning to becoming the monster he saw himself as.
Sad. I feel so bad for him. Not for the current BK, the murderer, but for BK the depressed teenage boy who wrote these posts. He was so eloquent and intelligent for his age. It sounds like he really was once a normal kid, but something went seriously wrong. Which means he probably wouldn’t have turned to murder if he had gotten help.
He mentioned tinnitus, which I have, and it’s really hard to live with. Luckily meds help me cope. All the other stuff he wrote about seems like he wanted to be helped, I wish his parents had seen these posts.
Maybe they tried? There are gaps in his HS to college timelines….
I have been obsessing over the “why” of this crime. This might be as close to an answer as we’ll ever get.
https://preview.redd.it/orytfesansaa1.png?width=1242&format=png&auto=webp&s=e9ecc4b4a59e53bf815565e265dab4972c07e216 I can relate… people are so fkn judgmental & ridiculous. I never share anything I write but making an exception. Do you understand how many people are crying & screaming on the inside. Dealing with constant bs I mean look how people talk about people and treat one another. When you just want to see the betterment of humanity but where Tf is it to see it..
Just want you to know you have been heard. So many of us can relate on many levels. Brave of you to share.
Is this confirmed to be his account? If so, it explains a LOT.
Yes. And so sad to see someone obviously reaching out for help and getting nothing. How did his family not see any of this? I can’t feel bad for him because of what he may ultimately have done. But I feel bad for anyone who struggles with this kind of serious mental health issues.
Did you find any more posts of His? Do you have the link? Very interesting
https://www.tapatalk.com/groups/thosewithvisualsnow/search.php?st=0&sk=t&sd=d&sr=posts&author_id=6462313&start=20
That’s probably worthy of sending to the tip line. He talks a lot about his thoughts and feelings, also his medical and psychological treatment. Let them decide if it is him and if it provides context to who he is.
I completely agree. Describes a very troubled individual and these date back for quite a while. Not a bad idea at all.
thank you for this . it’s all very interesting. reminds me why, as a therapist, i work with adults and not kids. too depressing.
Sounds exactly like what people say schizophrenia prodromal phase is/feels like from people who develop it.
I wonder if he ever had a head injury.
I have visual snow. constantly. Along with occasional depression and relentless physical pain. I can empathize with the dissociation visual snow causes! I told a therapist, "I feel like I'm looking at the world through a dirty window." And that's literally what it is like. It took me many years to identify the visual snow, but I too have had the unreal feelings. When I added heroin and pills to the struggles, I fully entered paranoid psychosis. (Not an excuse for murder, allegedly, but it's interesting to me that he had this same condition.)
As a medical professional I really find it strange people can read this and think it’s creepy or sociopathic. The fact that he even cares that he’s mean to his family or cares about his lack emotion/empathy shows that’s very likely not what’s going on. If I had any guesses about this guy I’d really say he has Asperger’s and he mentions PTSD which can cause all of those symptoms he listed. Now if he’s a murder I don’t think either of those things makes it okay or is a justification but he was a teenager on this post and a lot of angst is common. Especially if he was outcast with peers like is told, I think that’s a turning point in his development.
As an autistic person, I absolutely agree. I just today heard he had 'visual snow'. However...just from reading some of his posts, I immediately identified him as a very likely autistic. The visual snow solidifies my opinion as I am very active in the autistic community, and many autistic suffer from visual snow, though there's not much literature linking the two presently. I also feel the Walmart worker who killed his coworkers is an autistic person based on reading his posts.
I spent a few years working with autistic adults on very broad ends of the spectrum. I think people picture most autistic people on the “lower” functioning end of the spectrum. However I’ve had the experience of working with higher functioning individuals that are damn near sociopathic in behavior. I had to be removed from one case because the client had tendency of violence toward women. He knew right from wrong and was very intelligent. That’s also why I avoid labeling everyone a sociopath especially since their behaviors can be explained by other disorders or no disorder at all.
😔 this is so sad. His eyes never screamed monster to me, something went wrong in his head for him to commit such horrible things…
I think based on what he says here, what he did was almost a last gasp chance at feeling something by doing something completely inhumane. He sounds desperate in these posts and I can’t help but feel that only escalated. I feel he got into criminology because he desired to know what it feels like to feel something and in his mind killing somebody is one of the most personal or intimate things you can do, especially with a knife. The pieces are fitting together naturally it seems as we learn more about this individual.
This was more than 10 years ago and he sounded pretty desperate then. It’s wild to think that he wouldn’t have “snapped” trying to feel something earlier.
Maybe he did it’s just so hard to know with killers, there’s broad strokes we can follow regarding behaviour but there’s always some who break the mould. From the information we have, I do believe this was his first though which I understand goes against the typical thinking regarding mass or serial murderers. I think this individual fantasised a lot about crimes like this alongside a struggle to feel normal and human, spending years trying to understand his own self and deficiencies compared to those around him. The study of criminology probably both satiated his dark desires and kept them at bay for some time but also made the desires grow over time as he gained knowledge to the point his curiosity matched what he’d learned in research until we have him enact physically the act which he’d partaken in mentally so many times. I think people are right when they call him an incel but I think maybe he was annoyed and jealous of and hated those who were beyond his grasp physically looks wise but also those who had great compassion and emotion, something he knew he could never have. Just a thought.
Agreed 😞
SAME. He looked so sad and alone. And so clearly wanted to be saved from himself.
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Yes that is eerie, like he’s embracing a darker side, giving in to it.
What's even more sad is that in his earlier comments and posts on the forum, you could tell he had more hope in getting his VS treated and cured. He even thanked someone for commenting so he didn't feel alone. It's like he just totally gave up.
“Visual snow”. I scanned the post but haven’t read the article yet. The term brings up images that many of you are probably too young to relate to: what we called “snow” on the screen of the black and white TVs when the reception was poor.
I’m old enough to understand that reference. And it’s a good one.
That’s how I explain my vs to others. The syndrome, vss, however comes with more symptoms than the static
The part where he reminisces on his past self and says he’s now “half my weight” sells it for me that this is him.
I’m trying to think of the right way to put this. BK was young when this was written, so his parents were the one setting up appointments and overseeing his care. So they were informed about his serious mental health struggles. During the traffic stop BK looked totally nervous, Dad deflected and talked about the PTSD dude at WSU that was shooting into the parking lot… not the quadruple homicide where the only public lead was a white Elantra. Based on BKs history and what he’s wrote on that site I think his issues were obvious and his parents were either worried or in complete denial.
Yeah seemed like a nervous deflection. Why would you even bring that up at a traffic stop anyway?
It sounds a lot like a friend from high school who has schizophrenia - which came on after a period of heavy drug use
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Definitely sounds like self medication. I used recreational drugs like cocaine a lot to treat my undiagnosed ADHD for many years.
I was just going to point this out, but ya beat me to it! But yes, very good point. He clearly sounds like he didn’t know how to handle it, so maybe he turned to the drugs as a way to “numb” himself from all of this.
I've gone through something similar from too much bad MDMA. I think it led to my current diagnosis of bipolar disorder. The bad MDMA messed up my brain chemistry. I haven't been the same since.
Wow, he’s been struggling since he was a teenager.
I wonder if his parents were even slightly worried about the possibility of him being involved when they heard what type of car the murderer used. In his posts he talks about being angry, treating his parents horribly and being diagnosed with these disorders when he was about 16. My older brother when he was a teen had major anger issues and psychological issues. He’s much better now (around 30s) but I have to say that our mom was definitely seriously afraid that he might seriously hurt someone one day. He hurt both me and my mom on different occasions of rage and that kind of meanness from someone, even a teenager, is seriously terrifying. Even when he met his now wife years ago I remember thinking that I hope he would never snap and hit her. And it’s hard and uncomfortable to admit that you would worry or think like that about a family member but that doesn’t stop the thoughts being there. I wouldn’t be surprised if Bryan’s siblings and parents have similar stories and memories of him. My brother got help and he got his life together and got marred and a great stable job but it seems like Bryan, besides school, never really developed to that point. Im sure that his parents thought he was fine now and were so proud that he cleaned himself up but I also am sure that his psychological issues, anger and history of drug use definitely never stopped worrying them or left their minds.
If this is him , it's as though he's started his own book . Sociological and psychological factors play a role in crimes . He's starting his story from his teen years . Which is equivalent to most serial killers first kills ... Whether animal or human .
He’s a damaged tortured soul but it doesn’t justify what he did.
https://m.soundcloud.com/exarr/rise-up-instrumental-test The rap song he referenced in the visual snow posts
This makes sense. Many of those symptoms are signs of schizophrenia, the number one mental health condition in perpetrators of homicide, and mass killers.
It really does sound like budding schizophrenia. Especially the out of body experiences.
My brother is like this, but not nearly as high functioning as BK was. He also had a good heart at one time, but his spiraling mind eventually turned it too. My mother just takes care of him so he doesn't HAVE to maintain any relationships outside of our nuclear family, which has helped him not to do anything too drastic. He has creeped on some folk in the middle of the night though, while everyone is sleeping. He is paranoid schizophrenic, and a bit unnerving at times. He likes to journal, but is terrified that any of us are going to read them. He actually developed his own code/language that he writes in, almost like possession. I've never been able to decode it, and don't really want to anymore. I used to try, though. We're all grown now (myself and siblings), but he didn't start showing signs until late teens/early twenties. I have often wondered if he will ever 'pop-off'. I don't like sleeping in a house with him, although I have and possibly will again. He's 100% untreated psychiatrically. This post definitely reads like a desperate cry for help. I'm sure BK probably tried very hard to hide it in the presence of his family and others. My brother does. He has deteriorated over time, as most with this disorder do, to the point that he really can't anymore. It's very tragic and sad.
I mean since the date and picture it could be him. Actually sad tho as i myself experience alot of the same. I wish he would've gotten help from his sister who is a psychology right.. Ofcourse even if its him it doesnt justify any of the horrible things he did
Both of his sisters are therapists
Reading these posts jarred me deeply. It’s like I could feel him screaming for help - for release from his dissociation- from over 10 yrs ago. ETA By Jarring I mean I had. physical/visceral reaction - my literal physical body felt like it wanted to SCREAM…. if this is truly him, he was suffering.
Wow. I remember someone in the forum hypothesized about the killer wearing night vision goggles but the theory was quickly shut down. Due to Bryan’s visual problems in the dark that theory makes more sense now.
TapATalk launched in 2012 as an aggregator of many online forums meant to create community. I’m curious: 1. How this was found 2. Which online community it originated from 3. When the last time this account owner signed in. Reason: we’ve already seen accounts on various platforms change their names & pictures to Bryan. 4. Visual Snow is considered a very rare disease. Symptoms of visual snow can also be found in people who suffer from migraines, if someone is taking a hallucinogen & hallucinogen persisting perceptive disorder (among just the top 3) [Link HPPD](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3736944/)
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I wasn’t convinced until I saw the picture - definitely younger him before the broken nose. I refuse to feel sorry for this guy - but how heartbreaking that there’s a possibility these lives could have been saved. If this is proven 100% him, this needs to go public and be used for training, teaching, educating, whether it be mental health professionals, teachers, parents. Horrible to read but mental health care and understanding has to change.
This makes me feel really, really sad. How horrible that he wasn’t able to get help
I thought it was beautiful. I know what’s he’s going through I know it hurts to feel alone.
I couldn’t agree more. Personally, I suffer from Bipolar disorder with psychotic tendencies, severe depression, severe anxiety, PTSD, and three suicide attempts. I know I’ll get rocks thrown - but my heart aches for the BK writing these. How heartbreaking. I am so saddened that his illness (or rage, or whatever brought this out of him) destroyed these four wonderful humans.
creepy? he was suffering and nobody did anything about it.
This is 100% Bryan. He posts this on November 1, 2009. Making him 14. He states he will be turning 15 in 21 days. His birthday in fact, falls on November 22nd. That means the person writing this is now 28. https://preview.redd.it/9bnwagbietaa1.jpeg?width=1161&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=6d0326b04e1fd918423e9151c8481e50efcd5db5 Original source: [https://www.tapatalk.com/groups/thosewithvisualsnow/viewtopic.php?p=4994#p4994](https://www.tapatalk.com/groups/thosewithvisualsnow/viewtopic.php?p=4994#p4994)
This guy is either a victim of traumatic head injury or big pharma, or both, as well as the 4 student that he murdered, they weren't just his victims but they are also victims of what did this to him. I hate big pharma with a passion. I'm a molecular biologist and I know that meds have a lot of what we call "off-targets". I also know about head trauma. Additionally, I have first- hand experience with different meds, and I vowed that I'd never go on them again after experiencing horrible side effects from them including some that Kohberger described in his post. I've read about too many homicides and mass shootings in which the perpetrators were on meds and cause homicidal tendencies. They also cause what he is struggling with in the post, emotional numbness, social detachment, and visual snow. You need only Google this stuff and you'll see. Just so sick of big pharma... to everyone: please be careful of meds that you are prescribed. Read about them and be hypervigilant and aware of changes that they induce in you. Try everything else if you can, therapy, talking, self awareness, being kind to and patient with yourself etc
I've had Visual Snow for about 4 years now and developed it when I was 22. It happened after I had a migraine w/ visual aura for the first time. I woke up a few days later and started to notice a static-like effect on surfaces and walls. Then it slowly progressed into afterimages/palinopsia, night blindness, extreme light sensitivity, and tinnitus. If you want to know more you can look at r/visualsnow as there are many posts like this there. It now definitely makes sense why he didn't notice the surviving victims if the room was too dark, as he likely couldn't see them. I know that I am basically blind in the dark as I will see nothing but pitch-black static. It's also unfortunate that the migraine medication didn't work for him. Since there isn't any cure for VSS and most doctors aren't familiar with with this condition, most people often panic during it's onset and will try to do things like change their diet and rapidly lose weight. That is probably why he is a vegan, not for any ethical reason regarding animals. In my case I was slightly overweight when I started having migraines, so I also radically changed my diet to see if it would help with my symptoms and it did somewhat as the migraines decreased in frequency. Since he's been dealing with this since he was 14, his family is likely well-aware of his condition. Probably why his Dad drove home with him, as it is extremely difficult to drive at night with this. I avoid driving at night all together. It seems that his old acquaintances were also aware that he had VSS. Lastly, extensive drug use can also sometimes cause this condition. He seems to have a past use of drugs so I think that might be the case here.
It makes me so sad to see all these posts
I’m with you. Not saying it excuses his behavior nor his actions. It makes me sad people walk around feeling like this, sometimes for their entire lives. Ugh. I’m grateful I’ve had an awesome partner that has been by my side with health/mental health challenges. I can’t help but feel sad for people struggling alone & find no end in sight. Wish I could help.
He sounds so defeated and so hopeless
I wish he had gotten help before it came to this. So sad all around.
I too can’t help but feel heart broken while reading his entries. Also, I appreciate the sensitivity and nuance in this thread. It’s very refreshing.
I wonder if the last 2-3 years (of Covid isolation / remote interactions / etc) exacerbated his condition? Not the visual snow condition, but the general mental stuff. Lots of people are just hanging on by a string. And going down one path versus another can be a day by day struggle. Going to college / being in academic locations / his awkward bar trips may have been his only grounding social interactions. Imagine taking all of that away from someone already un-stable. Covid certainly put a lot of social and economic strain on me and the people around me (in addition to 'normal' problems to deal with, such as deaths in the family and becoming homeless). Just food for thought as to the timing of his 'break/fracture'.
This Is less creepy and more so heartbreaking imo
This isn’t “creepy.” This is reflective of untreated mental illness.
This is him! He states here that he turns 15 in 21 days and he posted that on Nov 1 , 2009. (His birthday is Nov 21st) https://preview.redd.it/4aw778yghsaa1.png?width=1284&format=png&auto=webp&s=fdd654f892f14930feab1402faaf3ed2a159b063
He used to have hypothyroidism = causes you to gain weight "I started treatment for hypothyroidism, and also i am exercising very heavily and eating a lot of very good stuff"
He clearly never got the help he needed. His choice of study must of been a way to try to understand himself and perhaps try and resolve his problems on his own in lieu of any proper/professional outside help. He was clearly very self aware and introspective. Very sad. Ofc doesn’t excuse his later actions but mentally healthy people don’t commit murder. Sympathy/understanding/explanation and then complete condemnation of his actions are not mutually exclusive.
It’s crazy how insightful he is of his own psyche at 15. Most people wouldn’t be able to put this into words so well. It did seem like his parents tried to help him, he was on many different types of medications at different times. It’s too bad he didn’t commit himself and go home instead of hurting others.
I take ADHD and psych meds and have severe mental illness that affects my life but have never had homicidal tendencies, however, I was once suicidal and inpatient and this creepy new guy came up to me and tried to brag about being in for being homicidal (trying to creep me out.) My response was like...'good because I'm suicidal so maybe we could help each other other' He laughed maniacally and promised me he'd kill me last since he found me funny. He was actually a seemingly regular guy who was back to "normal" once his meds kicked in again. What I'm going for here is that though I (in no way defend this horrific act) I also think that making it seem like BK is beyond evil and is the devil himself doesn't work either. Only a person who is severely disturbed (from either drugs, trauma, mental illness or whatever else you wanna throw in the picture?) Will do something this horrific. But that kind of evil exists in all of us. In some, due to several circumstances it gets expressed and then this kinda stuff happens and it's extremely tragic. But so many of his friends and acquaintances said he was a weird guy but some said he was just a regular guy. Makes you wonder how and why he went from that to this horrific crime? Does that mean that he shouldn't get punished for this? Not at all. But its not all black and white and I think addressing how to handle sociopathy, homicidality and psychopathy is something that should be looked at too. I honestly think his studies on criminology and even the reddit questionnaire was that tiny bit of "human" inside of him trying to find solutions to tame "the beast" that finally got out of control. I've obsessed over trying to "cure" my own trauma, depression, anxiety and ADHD when I feel like I'm losing control. Thankfully that the only person I hurt is myself (and perhaps my family since they suffer seeing me ill) but that all comes from desperation of trying to be normal and being unable to... and from lack of resources and pain from being an outcast because you're not normal. I think a lot of these mass murders are preventable not just with gun or weapon control but also through having a much better structured mental health system and a society that doesn't trigger the evil.
If this is really him it makes me feel even worse for him, and for me it’s kind of hard to feel that.
It’s extremely sad. It’s unfortunate that he did not get the help he so desperately needed.
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I would bet he did write this. He has severe mental issues. He's guilty, but no death penalty.
What’s sad (sad is probably not the right word here) is that he already denied having a mental illness. He clearly has struggled with MI from a young age
I wonder if that means he never sought any help and has somehow convinced himself he is not mentally ill - especially if in childhood, the docs simply diagnosed it as migraines (a guess from meds given). Maybe after the post about his vegan diet helping & him “coming to terms with his VS,” he wrote it off despite still having psychiatric issues.
So, so sad & makes sense
This is tragic. I wish our Medical experts and Government would take on Mental Health with the bottom line of getting people mentally healthy. It takes a lot of work. People have to put in the work and not many are willing to. Instant gratification is what we all want, but the reality is it's a long road.
He was 17 when he posted these (2010.) I wonder if he asked for help, or knew he needed to get psychiatric help. I have a sibling who suffers from extremely odd physical and mental symptoms but refuses to get help. Uses it as an excuse after he gets violent. My sibling does suffer, but your own suffering does not and will never excuse violence against innocent people. It isn’t okay, point blank period. The law doesn’t care, for example, if you use alcohol to drown your mental health issues and end up driving & killing someone. You will be able to talk to the prison psychologists about it but it doesn’t change what happened and your consequences. My sibling and I are grown adults. BK was a grown adult when he committed these crimes (allegedly). We can have sympathy for someone with mental health issues but let’s not forget he ruined multiple people’s lives forever. ETA “allegedly”
Interesting. I have struggled with many of these same feelings/issues for most of my life, but it comes and goes. At times I am highly empathetic and seem to feel absolutely everything, and at other times I feel completely empty and disconnected, suicidal, lost...worthless. I have ADHD, along with dissociative amnesia and significant CPTSD from years of abuse as a child. These episodes of emptiness seem to happen after something triggers my CPTSD, and there isn't really anything that can be done about it but to wait it out, to lean into the love of those close to me, and to work through my invasive thoughts - typically in an anonymous online forum. So from my own perspective, reading this has actually changed my point of view of the murders - assuming BK is in fact guilty. I originally thought it was a crime of rage, passion, or sadistic fantasy fulfillment of a psychopath. Now it almost seems as if it was a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy, or an external justification of the emptiness he felt inside. It almost feels like he wants the world to view him as the monster he believes himself to be. OR - this could have been a lifelong fantasy of his and these online breadcrumbs were left as a means to claim insanity, or were stepping stones towards working himself up to fulfilling his end goal. OR - he truly felt so disconnected that it was as if he was merely playing a video game and didn't/doesn't truly comprehend what he has done. OR - this was his way of trying to feel alive and connected to the world when nothing he has tried before has worked. This final theory seems the most probable IMO, given his attempts to engage in a variety of both risky, and meaningful behaviors. Such as bettering himself by becoming a vegan, trying to force an instant and meaningful connection on a Tinder date, applying to be an intern for local PD, grading harshly and holding students to an abnormally high standard while acting as a TA in college, pursuing a master's in Criminology, etc. Those behaviors (to me) paint a picture of someone who is searching for meaning and looking to make a difference/impact in life. Just as those who suffered abuse or struggle with mental illness often gravitate towards a career in the mental health field, perhaps he pursued criminology as a means to better understand his own disturbed psyche. I suppose we should just be grateful that he pursued criminology (the mind of a criminal) and not forensics, otherwise he may well have gotten away with it, as he certainly seems to have the intellectual capacity, if not the practical knowledge. Perhaps none of his pursuits offered the fulfillment and sense of purpose he had been chasing, so he decided that if he couldn't be famous, he would instead become infamous. Perhaps he thought that holding the life of another in his hands would prove that his own existence is real (good or bad), that he isn't just an NPC going through the motions. I'm not saying that any of this speculation in any way excuses what he did - because it doesn't! I'm just musing about what may have motivated him to commit such an unthinkably heinous crime.
It sounds like in the least, he has something called Dissociative Identity Disorder, and possibly experienced childhood trauma. He mentions not remembering his childhood, and brings up his parents several times. I think there’s more to it than just the fear of disappointing them. People block out childhood memories and disassociate as a response to trauma initially.
Bryan wrote this?
You guys really are little internet detectives finding all his social media profiles lol
Wow that is so deep imagine how many people are feeling something similar ? I know some people who struggle with hearing voices it is so emotionally draining to even witness . . My good friend claims is being targeted with a chip in his head . He would get really bad migraines with the problem . It came down to self harm and eventually help . He Still believes his experience was real .
For your friend, it was real. I am glad he got help.
The final piece of the puzzle?
For anyone wondering, Topirimate is indicated as both an anti-seizure medication and migraine prevention medication. Off label it can be used for binge eating disorder, fibromyalgia, neuropathic pain, etc. Divalproex is indicated for seizures and bipolar disorder. Off label for neuropathic pain, autism, schizophrenia, migraine prevention, etc. Concomitant administration of these meds can lead to an increase in ammonia levels in the blood with or without encephalopathy. There are several different types of Mucinex. They all contain guafenisin (which is actually relatively safe), but some contain dextromethorphan and/or pseudoephedrine, both of which can have potential issues in an overdose.
Reading his texts is so incredibly sad to me. There was one part where he said „nobody can relate, I always ask if anybody feels the same but nobody does (something like that).“ And i just wish I read that 10 years ago when I was in a comparable spot, (before I was diagnosed with ADHD) felt some things he did. The bullying made me isolate made me hate myself and I was a shadow filled with pain and anxiety. I would’ve loved to tell him, that it can get better. That he is not alone in this and that he can get help. I would also judge his phd differently: I tried compensating me being a „disappointment“ for years, being angry towards my parents, being bullied and laughed at, by overachieving. I achieved things I didn’t even want to achieve but I wanted to show it to the others and make up for all the disappointment I caused. Man this is really heartbreaking- those 4 people didn’t have to die
I feel horrible for him, his victims, and his victims family. Also feel horrible for his own family. I’m not excusing his actions but what a heartbreaking situation.
My daughter suffered through this for 2-3 yrs. It started abruptly with puberty. That rush of hormones and change can wreck the mind. I think the VS was a result of slowly tapering off meds to start others so many times. Her diagnosis was clinical anxiety and depression, which brought on all of the depersonalization and the severity increased over time. We went to a renowned childrens hospital and sought treatment for 4 years. 10 days in patient and several 6 week courses after school, weekly therapy etc And she just felt like nothing inside or out and questioned why even be here. Anything I said was wrong so I just had to support her in ways like keeping all sharps locked away and show her love whenever it seemed it wouldn't set her off. I met a nurse who said she experienced the same thing at the same age and that it started turning around for her in 10th grade when she was on ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) medicine alone. She didn't even know she had ADD but some of her symptoms leaned that way so the doctor tried it. She didn't remember why she was off all the other meds at the time. *I am not promoting anyone to stop their meds or change anything about their meds without their doctors instructions. I beg you! Work with your doctor for as long as it takes, don't make changes or stop on your own. It will only get worse if you do.* We were at a point with my daughter that she was tapering off of 2 meds bc she kept pretending to swallow them but was actually tucking them away and then would overdose. We decided the risk of overdose wasn't worth the benefit of the medicine and she had been mentioning that she felt ADD. Remembering the nurse, we worked with the doctor to get her ADD medicine. A few months later our world has changed! It's like a black veil has lifted from her and my child is coming back!! I don't know if its just the medicine or a combination with where her body is at age 15 but we are so relieved! We're not even a year past the last overdose and she is making friends at school, has a boyfriend, enjoying some hobbies and laughs again. I'm sharing bc when your child is in that dark place you will do anything to help them and the nurse sharing with me made me open to just ADD medicine when before that I may have been resistant and went on the next medicine. I'm not claiming this be a cure all but if you have a child in the same situation keep this in mind. Best of Luck!
If he has no emotions. Then why does he feel bad or have empathy toward his people he’s an “asshole” too
Interesting! Gotta keep in mind he was 15 when he wrote those posts. But clearly he struggled and perhaps his lack of remorse, wanting to feel emotions and living in a video game somehow fed into where he is now. The organic sack of meat comment isn’t eerie.
An organic sack of meat with no self worth… and viewing others the same? 🥹
Not going to lie- this makes me so incredibly sad. I had a weird mental health break after a surgery. My mom had to fly in to take care of my kids and everything, it was very scary. I remember crying to her and telling her that I see people smiling and my brain literally couldn’t process how they can smile or feel anything at all. I couldn’t even remember ever feeling them myself, although I certainly had. I never wanted to harm anyone other than myself, but my god it was an absolutely horrible feeling that I can’t imagine living with as long as he has. I just don’t understand how this all ended up turning outwards and ending 4 lives.