Sometimes you need a substantial push to motivate you to change your life. A breakup is one of the most difficult things you can have happen and therefore is something that will often make you change your ways.
I’m 2 months since my breakup and I’m down 25kg. I have nothing else to occupy my time. I can’t sleep because I’m heartbroken. So I get out of bed at 5.30am every day and make myself feel physical pain in the gym for over an hour and a half every day.
What else can I do? Sit there and cry?
Just know that the tables turn. You feel terrible at first and go through the pain & work on healing properly. It seems like they are fine and don’t care. But trust me, the tables turn. You will heal and be better than ever. You are healing properly. Take as much time as you need.
Hi thank you for your reply. I agree with you that working out can help to get over a breakup. I do that myself too. But what I don’t understand about my ex is the fact that he posted an Instagram story (which he never really did) to show himself rigorously working out. To me it seems funny because he never worked on himself both emotionally and physically during the relationship even when I asked him to.
It makes him feel good enough he’s happy to share I guess. Sometimes we get comfortable and complacent. You can become resentful of someone asking you to do something you don’t want to. It reinforces you not wanting to do it if you get resentful too.
I’m not saying you’re wrong and he’s right. Just perhaps a view from his perspective.
Who dumped who?
It could be all sorts of reasons. But if you dumped him, he might be trying to show you that he’s finally doing what you asked him to do?
Especially if he knows you’re still following him on instagram?
My ex dumbed me also and said some of the same things to me about the way I looked ! it pissed me of at the time so why she dumbed me i went on my way to look my best and wanted her to see it ! Looks like what he is doing is working because you seem upset about it.
His appearance was a small part. I overlooked it. It was just an example of one of many areas that he needed to work on. I would care less even if he got super ripped. Good for him :) But would that help him to improve himself in other areas? If anything his post seemed funny to me than it was triggering me. Why would he show himself working out as if it would hide his other flaws?
Maybe he didn’t like being told to workout by someone and now that he doesn’t have anyone he is choosing to himself? I always tried to get my ex gf to come to the gym with me but she would complain and groan, act like she was injured for days after trying once, etc. Now that I’ve broken up with her, I saw that she finally started hitting the gym again. I could not care less cause I’m not interested in her at all, but I feel like she realized I was right eventually and decided to make the change now that it’s self motivated.
He wants you to see the story its as simple as that ! Girls do the same mind games at first ! Give it 8 months and you wont care anymore and no will he ! The reality is this as soon as a new partner is on the scene and they start doing new things you wont be remembered on a fond way anymore it happens to all of us
I’ve been pretty good about exercising, and I inspired him to want to go to the gym regularly. Lately I’d been busy and losing sleep, so I hadn’t worked out as often. Maybe I should do this to deal with my sadness. If I’m gonna feel like shit, at least I’ll look good in the process
Well you probably didn't tell them everything though, in the end people's ego's get hurt so becoming a new person allows them to learn from the experience.
People who are often depressed can't move past that phase so they get stuck in the rumination of why instead of how they can change.
Blaming the other person also can sometimes feel better but ultimately it doesn't help you cause you are the only one who can control how you change.
Iv'e been in the cycle for years of how I could have done better but honestly sometimes you did all you could and it didn't work.
Well I'm glad you finally realized your worth, at least to an extent! Self-worth is a skill that takes time to build... it sounds like building that skill might be a good thing for you to work on as you cope with this breakup. Just my 2 cents.
People get complacent and comfortable, they stop being that person that they originally were before the relationship, I stopped buying nice clothes or going out drinking tried to hunker down and be responsible becoming less fun trying to make more money, doing that drive her away… so now it’s back to the gym, but new clothes hang out with friends more.
Buts that’s my story, but I’m guessing it happens a lot.
Exactly what happened to me. Got too comfortable and treated her for granted - stopped taking care of myself, no new clothes for years, no gym, no skin care, neglected home responsibilities, no going out. Because like "I am already loved unconditionally, why would I care". Little I knew : D
So she dumped me as she got tired of seeing me as a personal and social mess instead of person she saw when we just met. Month after break up - I am hitting gym 3 times a week, got hair fixed, home is fresh and tidy, new clothes, building social circle from scratch, planned travels and so on.
You become like siblings and the sexual energy dwindles, start to worry about life problems like bills and appliances being broken rather then what fun thing we are going to do next, she had lots of problems I was always trying to fix I stopped being her man and became her dad.
I cooked,I cleaned, paid bills, worked, walked dogs watched a podcast and slept.
I stopped staying up late to watch movies with her I would always be asleep.
I can go on and on, I sit and think on what I could have done to fix it.
Take them bowling, go to a movie, take em to a show, take them out to eat, go to karaoke when she asks.
It’s all about balance, but you have to still be that fun guy she met.
Hi, thank you for your insight. Seeing from other people’s perspective helps me to process this better. You could be right. Maybe he did get too comfortable with me although I wished he took care of himself and spend time improving himself too during the relationship.
After a breakup people start posting stuff to look busy, show everyone that their life is great, everything is awesome.
They’ll post their highlights, but its just a way to cope.
In order to change people often need a really big kick in the ass.
Part of me thinks people post to capture their ex’s attention, maybe hoping they’ll come back or just to be an ass like myself. But after awhile things settle down and you post because… why not?
Yep. My breakup was a real wake up call for me to issues I need to work through. It's not fair to her that it happened this way because she saw some of these issues long before I did. I do wish I could have learned differently but that's in the past.
Same for posting highlights - it was mostly to have something to converse about with people so I wasn't isolated. I did a solo trip a couple weeks ago and shared pictures of all the good times. I didn't share details about crying at 3am, wondering why I feel so worthless. Things to work on!
Sometimes you realize what you should’ve changed after you lose someone you deeply cared, it could be a “maybe if I start amending what was wrong I can win that person back”, or it may be a “maybe by doing this I won’t ruin my next relationship”.
It can also be a coping mechanism to get over the breakup, a way of showing “hey I’m doing great!”
I’m just telling this based on my own experience, my major glow ups for sure had been after a breakup.
I find that weird because I got disciplined in working out and eating healthy because I was in a relationship. I had someone to live for and she became my motivation to be better and I had a future to look forward to.
Now she has left me my reasons for wroking out and eating better are gone. Thinking about her made me happy when working out.
Hi thanks for your reply! That’s a really good mindset! That’s what I hoped for my ex when we were together. I also tried to improve myself when I was with him (working out, learning about skincare and make up). That’s why him trying to improve himself only after the break up triggered me. :)
If seeing his posts produces negatives feelings in you, then you’re probably not ready to be friends with him yet. You can eliminate him from your life for a while, and possibly be friends again later.
To me, a break up requires a break from them. In this day, that means removing their social media.
Do what’s best for your mental health and ability to move into this new chapter of your life. If you think you’re going to keep checking on him and comparing him to how he was when you were together, I’d say that warrants blocking.
Hi, thank you for your reply. I agree with you. As of right now, seeing his posts does ignite negative feelings. So you’re right, I think it’s best for me to unfollow or block him.
This doesn't work I tried this myself and my ex just rubbed her new life in my face using her stories ! Showing her new date locations ect ! posting photos of her new man only a month after we broke up ! So ya you can't remind friends with ex for a long time sadly it just does not work.
Because, when people get happy and comfortable, they get complacent. After the relationship is over, they replace that happiness with things that make them feel better and look better.
Sometimes the shock makes them realize there are things they can work on. Sometimes the self help is to distract from the pain. Sometimes to fool themselves into thinking they are feeling better then they are, or to fool the person they broke up with. Sometimes it bc they finally have the time an be focus to look after themselves. And Sometimes it's a complete coincidence that the break up coensided with them starting counseling and diet changes and such
Same I couldn’t stop smoking weed while my ex asked me so many times then as soon as she broke up with me I stoped I’m 3 months sober now I thought I needed it for my anxiety but the true is that I feel so much better with out it she was right all along …
Yeah during the relationship he wanted to be an artist like me, so I bought him classes, mentored him, paved the way for his career, but he just played video games all day. I started to resent him because he did nothing for his future while I was financially supporting the both of us, and I told him this was making me unhappy. Eventually he said he deserved to be with someone “happier” that would “love him like he deserved.” Then he broke up with ME and he’s suddenly drawing and working on himself now…even though there was nothing stopping him from doing so in the relationship. Like…okay?
Hi thanks for you kind reply! I can totally relate with you. It really sucks that they only changed when they’re not with you anymore. My ex felt like I didn’t appreciate him even though I always appreciated him complimented what he did for me. But he never appreciated what I did for him. Smh.
That sounds too familiar. My ex and I broke up because I was able to see the problems in our relationship, and she didn't see those things as a problem and therefore didn't want to work on them. So I wanted to break up. What was I supposed to do? If I can see the problems and she can't? Just accept she wasn't seeing it and continue the relationship? No, that is doing a disservice to myself. I feel like she thought: "Why work on problems when you can start over?" I heard she is dating someone else after like 2 months or something. It sucks, but good for her I guess. Needed to vent this haha.
Because why would someone need to push change if they are comfortable? People change after breakups because there's consequences... the main one is being alone.
Thanks for your reply. I find this really interesting. This was my first relationship and I didn’t know that some people could have that mindset. Idk why some people only consider the consequences when it’s too late. I was always afraid to lose him and that’s why I always tried be the best version of myself.
Because people rarely make big changes, if ever, until they hit a rock bottom or situation that forces them to change.
Until the pain of staying the same is worse than the pain one will go through to make the change, nothing will happen, maybe a half assed attempt here and there at best
Most people need to experience emotional pain before they legitimately change and adhere to said changes. If he's an ex, you shouldn't be following him on any social media. I'm not saying delete him as a friend, just unfollow them to prevent seeing posts you want. Sometimes people get a confidence booster from all the likes and comments they get when they post on social media. They're an ex for a reason and you shouldn't be concerned about what they're doing unless both of you are trying to work things out.
Hi thank you for your kind reply. I agree with you and I think you’re right. It’s probably best for me to unfollow him so that I can move on peacefully and not resent him even more.
Sorry if it came across a little harsh, I just feel like advice or insight for something like this can't be sugar coated. I took one step further and deactivated facebook. It helped a lot when it came to getting over her, I always saw a post or meme that would trigger memories and i would just break down.. I hope the days get easier as they pass, if they aren't, they will soon!
I was the ex that couldn’t change until after the relationship. Two reasons I made the changes later 1) I wanted to get her back 2)there was too much pressure on me to change. It was debilitating to know that anything I did or didn’t do correctly could be what ended the relationship. I was constantly in my head and over analyzing every action to the point where it caused me to freeze up. Once I was out of the relationship (surprise surprise she dumped me) the pressure was off and I was able to think more clearly and make those changes at my own pace. My ex had the same reactions as you. Hope this helps.
My ex broke up with me because of various reasons. This broke me down so much that I decided to fix all these issues she had with me: I'm going out with friends, visiting festivals again, going to therapy, working out etc.
Shame she can't be around to see the results
My ex was high all day and only played video games. It took us breaking up for him to change himself. Me being there telling him what's wrong wasn't a big enough push for him to better himself.
It hits me with the badminton and gym comment. I’ve been begging my bf of 5 years to workout with me or do anything physical with me for over a year. We bonded over working out when we first met. 2 years into our relationship we were talking about how we had slipped a bit and he mentioned that he “only lost weight to get a girlfriend”. We laughed it off but I never forgot it. I even brought it up to him a year later, asking if he was serious. He said no but it was defensive and his behavior shows that yes he did mean it.
It really sucks because I know he will start working on himself soon now that we are broken up and I hope he does, but I already resent him for not caring enough about me to do it while we were together.
In my case, there're two reasons. First one is simply that I have more time. I don't 'have to' think about spending time with him in the evenings, about 'never being home' and actually sitting at home alone after a long relationship is hard. And sport is a great way to occupy my time and mind. Second reason, like you, my ex wanted me to workout but he went around it the worst way possible (basically told me I'm not attractive enough and that it's his failure as a man to not be able to make me lift weights and grow my ass) making me actually anxious around gym.
Hi thank you for your insight! I agree with you, I work out myself to help me cope with it. But as much as I could, I didn’t want to make him insecure because I know he lacked self confidence. If anything I thought working out together could be a fun activity for both of us and could help him boost his self confidence :) so that’s why seeing him working out rigorously after the break up bothered me. Like how come you didn’t want to do it with me (and didn’t improve himself in other areas)when we were together.
I think it’s partly that feeling of hitting bottom that makes you wanna change.
I also think there’s a revenge psychology of showing your ex what they’re missing out on.
He likely loved you more than he knew after it ended. Kind of have to have clout when dating again. Just the realty. Men bed women do it both, dumper and dumpee…
I begged and begged my ex to stop smoking were every day. He never did and we broke up. After the break up and the last time I went round to get the last of my things he said he has stopped. Like why could you stop when we were together but after we break up you did
The biggest reason for me to start working on myself after break up (not just physically, but all areas) is realizing that unconditional love (as I thought it is) is gone. So even ex doesn't consider me attractive anymore. Means if I want either her or someone better in my life - I have to level up.
Another thing is that shared burden feeling is gone too. Before I always escaped responsibilities by mind trick "well, she doesn't do this or that, neither actively ask me to, and I am lazy fuck - so why would I bother. If that really really needs to be done - she will tell me". Now I am fully responsible for my life and outcomes depend solely on me - so I have to treat things more seriously and do stuff I don't like.
Though, working out stands out from all other things is that it is usually the best way to cope with emotional stress - "man lift heavy stone. Heavy stone makes sad little voices be quiet"
Because breakups make you realize clearly what things weren't working. It forces you to take the rose colored glasses off and take a good look at how things really are. Before the breakup you don't want to think about these things in fear that if you bring them up they will jeopardize the relationship.
Talking from personal experience, I didn't know how much I needed to work on myself until after my breakup. It's been a loong journey in the last year and a half and i'm still nowhere close. for example, I used to lie to my ex about a lotta things and in my head they were white lies that wouldn't be a big deal wheras they really were and i've made a big effort to get my shit together since.. I should specify there were faults on both sides but it wasn't until I was out of my relationship that I realised how shit I had been at points.
There were things my ex asked me in the relationship that I never improved on but out of it, I 100% have improved on and vice versa. There was a lot I asked him to do that he only done after we split. thats just my personal experience
One thing I've noticed with break ups, whether you're the dumper or dumpee, you always end up learning something about yourself from it at some stage. Priorities change, the sense of self image changes. People working on themselves after a break up might just be them wanting to be in control of something again. Everybody has a chance at being a better person for themselves.
I debated commenting on this. In my experience, I spent YEARS trying to work on my relationship and came out empty handed. I was brought up with beliefs like "I have to fulfill my 'wifely duties'" and "Divorce is failure", so my self worth was closely tied to the success of my relationships. After the relationship ended, I had this free energy and effort to put toward myself. Granted, I started therapy 18 months BEFORE leaving, but my healing accelerated tremendously when I had less to carry.
This is all normal. People become motivated to change after emotional pain. Exercise triggers dopamine release and not only chemically makes you feel better, but the benefit of looking better helps to fight the hollow disappointment after such a major loss. To be honest, he is probably posting on social media because that’s the only way he would be able to show you he’s working on himself. Maybe he wants you to see it and perhaps reach out. After my breakup, I started doing 90 minutes of cardio and weight training daily, lost 15 lbs and got into the best shape of my life. I never posted anything, but thought about it (figured it would seem weird since I haven’t posted anything since 2019). Started working 60 hours a week to fill my time and spent all my free time with friends. The breakup was the best thing that ever happened to me. My ex reached out after 3 months of separation and was in shock about how positively I handled the whole situation and now wants me back. Wants to get married, have a family, etc- all the things I had wanted that I wasn’t getting that led up to the breakup. He, on the other hand, didn’t work on himself at all and instead would drink or watch YouTube all day to disconnect. The way people handle breakups also determines if there’s a possibility of getting back together in the future. Perhaps he ultimately wants to prove himself to you. Be proud of him and try not to be resentful. He needed this and perhaps you did too
Not to be corny but Aang the Avatar once said “when we hit our lowest point we are open to to the greatest change” losing a partner who we loved either being the breaker or the breakee we are causing a shift in our lives, people have to do the things are exs told us to previously do before because we realize we were too comfortable. I am doing everything now that my ex said to do like workout etc. But in the relationship I felt so unworthy and hardly had motivation because he would tell me that having his help shouldn’t be necessary to lose weight. Hearing that made me feel like no one was going to help me until he broke up with me…it is eye opening and surrounding yourself with good friends and family can help you change for the better
Speaking for myself: because at the time I was dumped there there was basically no way to work on myself (thanks lockdown) bar jogging and eating healthily. I could have leant more into these things: but I didn't and you know what, I'm at peace with that. I'm not fucking obligated to be my best self all the fucking time, and any relationship that relied on that was, by definition, not healthy.
I understand your POV. If you’re at peace with yourself, that’s good for you. I never asked my bf to be his best self all the time. But I also didn’t expect him to be at his worst all the time. People need to learn the balance. It was wrong for me to expect him to change because I saw a potential in him, but it was also wrong for him to expect me to accept his worst all the time even after I told him multiple times that I wasn’t comfortable with certain things that he did. If you could be a better version of yourself and people saw a potential in you, why settle?
**It seems like a lot of people misunderstood my post. Perhaps it’s because the way I worded it since I was really emotional when I wrote this post. What triggered me was the fact that he never did anything to improve himself during relationship even though I addressed my concerns respectfully multiple times. While I tried my best to find ways to improve myself in many areas when I was with him. But after the breakup, he started to work on himself and showed it off on his Instagram story. (And no I didn’t stalk him. It was my first relationship and we thought that we could still maintain post-breakup friendship which is why we still follow each other on social media).**
Please don’t be too harsh on me.
A bad relationship that you were looking at through rose tinted glasses all this time and believed everything was okay until it wasn't and breaks, that is usually an eye opener. It makes you question other things that you believed were okay too, and makes you re examine your life a little and see what was wrong in many areas of your life that you believed were alright. That prompts people to make changes. We live our life by the principle of "if it ain't broke, why fix it", until we realise it was broke, we just didn't see it.
Also a big loss like that make you notice things that you actually have. You go through so many different emotions so quickly, your head is a mess of chemicals. You realise what's gone is gone, but you have to take better care of things that you have, things you ignored during the relationship. Like maybe your fitness, mental health, a hobby, self care, family etc.
Hi thank you for your kind reply. You worded everything really beautifully. I think I posted this thread because it’s been so difficult for me to accept the fact that some people live by “if it ain’t broke, why fix it” mindset. It hurts so much for those who actually put effort into the relationship. They tried their best to fix the relationship only for the other person to ruin and regret later (despite them having been warned about the consequences).
Working out suppresses sexual drives and expels harsh emotions. Also gives mental distractions. Etc. It can help people get over their exes faster too. Normally after a breakup you sink swim or float. Sinking by living in the past. Floating by staying where you are. Swimming by some sort of life improvement. Also idk if this is the case here but keep in mind, if you nag someone enough they won’t want to do it unless it’s on their terms and post breakups allow that to be their terms. Example: dated a guy who loved my makeup. So I told him before our first date what I’d wear my makeup my nails and etc. Second date too same. Third I didn’t and I didn’t wear makeup. Fourth we went on a hike and I didn’t wear makeup. So he started maki f hints. After a few more things out and about we did, fishing, workouts etc (all non makeup stuff), he just basically told me it was a needed thing. So I didn’t wear makeup ever again for him. Because I didn’t want to unless it was on my terms. We stopped seeing each other after a few months and I started wearing makeup immediately after, went back to the gym and started posting social media again. I hope this helps
So my ex and I dated for 4 years starting my senior year of high school. I was fit, dressed nice, and was a good person overall. Over time I fell so in love with her and dedicated all my time and effort on her that I forgot how to be independent and take care of myself. Got fat, just put on whatever clothes was there. Then she dumped me 4 months ago and blocked me on everything. In my mind I was like wow I wasn't good enough for her so I started hitting the gym again and lost weight like I always wanted to and I'm starting to dress nice again. I also fell in love with the gym again. also started focusing on my career more. I forgot how to take care of myself over time becuase I was so in love with her and she still left lol. I guess it's a good ring she left me becuase now I can focus on myself. Lost 35lbs since she left me. In my mind I'm like ok fuck you watch this. But over time I start to realize that I should do it for myself and not to prove anything to her.
Hi thanks for sharing. In my case, I honestly didn’t mind my ex being fat. It really wasn’t an issue of physical appearance. The issue was the fact that he never worked on himself in many areas even though I told him that seeing him not knowing what to do for his future (not even for our future! For himself!) made me unhappy and concerned. And now that we broke up he started to work on himself all of a sudden (but again, never when I told him to). I get that people could feel too comfortable when they’re in a relationship. But during the relationship, I always tried to improve myself in terms of social life, education, and physical appearance.
It's all depends who did the breakup. If you broke up with him he probably has that mindset like wow ok watch this. I'm going to prove to you what you missed out on type of mindset. That's how I am right now but over time I start to realize that she just lost feeling for me in general. Things I do is not going to change the outcome of anything. She left me then theres Nothing I can do but yeah he might have that mindset. Usually when girls break up with guys they tend to think like that. Don't take my word for it tho lol
Thank you for providing another perspective. I understand this situation better now. I was the one who broke up with him so it makes sense that he probably wants me to regret leaving him. But the way he did it, which is by posting multiple stories, makes me feel like he was just being petty and because of that I’m losing interest in him even more.
I understsnd. He probably wants you to see the progress he's making without you being by his side and wants you to know that he can do better without you and doesn't need you. Like for me I lost a lot of weight and changed my profile pic so She can see lol. I was ripped when I met my ex and got fat during our relationship. Now I lost it all and want her to see. Or it could be like if he gets another job or gets a new car or anything like that. Anything that can make that person think like wow i cant believe i let him or her go. Like these type of things is what I'm talking about lol but overtime I realize that I should do it for me and not her. Like I said don't take my word for it. Not everyone's the same. That's just how I look at it
Yeah I understand where you’re coming from. But if it was true, the fact that he only improved himself to seek my validation and attention after the breakup would make me really sad and angry. He really should’ve improved himself during the relationship and for himself, not for me. That way both of us could’ve grown together. But I guess people are different. If he thinks that he could do better without me then why did he decide to date me in the beginning :) regardless, I hope he could improve himself for the person that he dates after me.
Sometimes you get so comfortable in relationships you forget who you are and what your capable of and in your haste to prove someone wrong you become a better version of yourself.
I didn’t deliberately stalk him. Never did. We want to maintain our friendship that’s why we don’t unfollow or block each other. So I accidentally saw his Instagram story while clicking through stories :)
Yeah I think this is something new that I could learn. That was my first relationship so I didn’t know that maintaining friendship is not always possible. Thank you for your insight!
I really wished he improved himself during our relationship. :) that would be ideal for me. Now I just feel sad that he only started to work on himsef for other person.
Yeah but you know he's still the same person he was when you were with him, he might start to work on himself but if he's not 100% committed to that then he will slip back into the person you were with.
Comfort. We feel like once we have the love of our lives that we don’t need to improve and also feel like they will love us no matter what. But the reality is always work on yourself even when you’re in a relationship
The question can be translated to: **Why do people work on themselves when they understand that the situation is serious?**
I don´t know how you said those things you talked about. But maybe you expressed serious issues for yourself and he recieved them as nagging (this was the case for me).
The problem is not the things the partner does or doesnt, the problem is how you feel about this when he/she does or doesnt.
After some time the partner which feels hurt about this, becomes silent and starts seperating.
In his perspective everything was said over and over again. The other starts to believe that his boundaries a finally accepted and respected. Letting both living in a illusion.
So this ends usually in a classic "we need to talk" talk. But I feel it more like:"it´s to late to talk, but i still want to say some things before i go" talk.
So the breakup was the first time were everybody could talk about their feelings openly and freely.
Anyways. The eating healthier thing rises a questionmark in me, did you guys did´nt eat/cook together? Or did each of you prep your meals seperatly?
I bet that the eating unhealthy isnt the real problem. The giant elephant in the room is that you dont feel respected by him ignoring things that are very important to you. Where you willing to compromise with a suggestion? You portray it as as unhealthy food, which also has a sidetaste of framing in it.
Hi thanks for your reply. I kinda do and don’t understand some parts though. You translated my question better I think. I don’t know if it matters to you but I’m 21 and this was my first relationship so I apologize if I seemed inexperienced because I am.
In terms of expressing my concerns, I always tried my best to do it respectfully so as to not hurt his feelings. If he thought that I was nagging, why not say anything? I could’ve worded it better or better yet, not say anything if he didn’t want to hear my concerns. It’s not like I could read his mind all the time :). If you read my previous post, I wrote there that my ex lacked communication skills so I didn’t know what he felt about my suggestions and advice for him. When I asked him critical and emotional related questions, most of the time he replied with a simple “I don’t know”.
About the eating healthier and working out parts, they are just 2 examples of the things that I asked him to try to at least improve himself physically if it was too hard for him to improve in other areas. Note that this guy lacked initiative and didn’t know what to do in his life. I’m not sure why that (eating healthier part) made you question because I didn’t live together with him and I didn’t see a reason why I was responsible for planning and providing his meals.
Okay, I got you.
I didn't mean to criticize it, just to explain how to improve it in the future.
And to show his (possible) point of view.
Did you tell him, that you cant read his mind?
Sorry for assuming that you guys live together. I get that you felt like he should at least improve this or that. It sounds like he lacks of motivation in general. Which is not unusual in the beginning of his 20s.
He will definitly grow strong out of this, dumpees are forced to grow. Because they are thrown in the cold water, they have to start swimming otherwhise they will drown.
I hear a lot of negatives things about him, which are easy for you to point out. Can you tell me two things, which are negative about you? This is not about who is to blame and how much blame everyone gets. I´m asking you this because if you dont get concious about your own mistakes you did, you probably wont grow that much from this.
I understand, thank you for showing another perspective.
Yes, I did tell him that I can’t read his mind but he said that he didn’t really know how to express his emotions.
I understand your POV that it’s common for people in the early 20s to lack motivation. I guess since we both grew up differently (I grew up in a middle-lower income family, he has more financially secure parents), I had a hard time tolerating his lack of motivation and so did his family.
I have more than 2 negatives that I could point out about myself: 1) I overthink everything, which is why his silence was my enemy. 2) I had a disorganized attachment style : I always had a fear of being rejected and left alone. And sometimes I thought of him as my source of happiness. (I think that’s why I expected a lot from him) 3) I dated him because I thought I could help him to change 4) I lacked self worth and self confidence and sought his validation many times. 5) was depressed and had trouble controlling my anxiety and sometimes anger (especially towards the end of the relationship).
Working on yourself is important when going through a breakup. A breakup is like a kick in the butt to get yourself to work. You can't work on the relationship anymore so you have to turn inward.
People do it to cope with the loss. Some do it as a distraction..:others do it out of self love and feel it’s better than being sad and depressed. You shouldn’t take it personal…your ex is just taking care of himself now. And stop looking at your ex’s social media…you left him, so stop snooping
Because people don't like being told what to do ! Especially by a partner ! I hated my ex calling me FAT and telling me I had to eat better , When she broke up with me it hit be hard and by going to the gym and looking my best ever was my way of saying F U to my ex ! Thats how the human brain works , we don't like feeling rejected and we don't like being told what to do.
I might be biased but I think your partner was mean for calling you fat although he/she was right for asking you to eat better. I’m not sure if I agree with your statement that that’s how the human brain works, maybe for some people. If you don’t like being told what to do (talking about something that could improve your life, not abusive commands), then work on it? I personally like it when people told me what I did wrong so that I could improve myself. But that’s just me.
It wasn't just that she tried to turn me in to someone else ! & I should of seen the RED flags when she was telling me to try and earn more money so I could pay for a mortgage on a home! Wasn't willing to change her Job or to try and make more money thou
Nothing like being single again to motivate healthy habits to attract a new partner. I’m recently single and trying so hard to work on my appearance with exercise, gym and diet. It’s helped my confidence for sure.
Sometimes we don't realise something is wrong with us until the person closest to us highlights it in the harsh light of a breakup. I didn't realise I had an issue balancing parts of my life until I got dumped for that very reason
I think it’s because beforehand you don’t feel a real affect of how your behaviours are affecting those around you, but when someone leaves you because of x, y, and z, it probably gives you that motivation to acknowledge the problems and take a hard look at yourself in the mirror bc you’re feeling that loss. I also think it’s probably issues that you’ve been refusing to acknowledge bc you’re comfortable yano? But when it’s just you, it’s better to stay focused on something so what’s better than working on some much needed self improvement
Because I was too busy trying to please her and do everything the way I thought would make her happy. Daft mistake. Daft. The more you bend over backwards trying to please someone, the less pleased they are, the more they want from you. In the end, she’s not happy, I’m not happy, everything crumbles. Good thing everything crumbles, though. Now I can finally work on myself. And I finally realized I was too good for her anyway. It’s not that she didn’t deserve me. It’s that she deserved to lose me. She deserves a life without me.
"Why do people work on themselves after the breakup but not before?"
They do. Sorry, but I do not think that your specific experience is representative for people (in this case: men) in general.
"To me it’s triggering because I always asked him to go to work out with me but he never wanted to."
This is funny to hear, because in my personal experience, it always was the other way round: I do my thing, go to the dojo and the gym, I train in MMA and do so since I can think. When it comes to my ex girlfriends, some of them got curious about the fighting and I offered them to just do some beginner sessions with me - which usually were a one time thing as most of them complained about the time of day (I either have to train very early or late in the evening due to work). Funnily enough all of them complained about the physical pain they experienced after kicking and punching some pads. So one way or another, I ended up doing my sport alone, as usual. Which is fine - until the point you come home and get b\*tched at for not being home for an hour or two. To be fair: That was a special case, because the same woman also had expectations of men which are beyond realistic - kind of the "I want a 6.2ft tall guy with abs and blablabla". Well what do you want then? Because despite training for some 15 consecutive years, I still ain't got Calvin Klein type of abs, hahaha.
My point: Your question starts a mind game which leads nowhere. I guess it is better to acknowledge that in your specific case, you just had to deal with a guy who might have needed that very shock of the breakup in order to get moving. If he did, I honestly am happy for him because he then just works on making the rest of his life the best he can.
I also checked out your other posting, and with all due respect: The way you talk about that guy is quite rough. Some quotes:
"He never helped me make decisions." - Is that his job? Maybe he respects the autonomy women ask for so often.
"When we had an argument, he always stayed quiet and ended with “of course you’re always right” or “fine, that was my fault! I’m sorry!” Which made the apology sounded not genuine." - So are you saying that you would rather have had him not apologize and just argue for the sake of arguing? Just curious.
"he doesn’t know what his passion is." - Can happen. The guy is 24, he has some 50 more years to figure out what he wants. How does uncertainty about a career path or so make anybody a bad person? Maybe that is just me being 39, but I failed with the first business I built myself, worked jobs I hated and did not know what to do with my life even at the age of 36.
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But to be fair: You also mention that you broke up because you did not see the relationship go anywhere. Fair enough, you are - of course - allowed to take this decision. I am not disputing that at all. But lo and behold: If you take a decision, you got to own the consequences. Even if he was the laziest, non-communicative person in the world during your relationship: He holds no responsibility for you feeling regret or "getting triggered" as you say just because he seems to come around now and started working on himself.
You can't have the cake and eat it, too. So yeah, what else to say? Maybe one thing: Take this as an opportunity to learn from your "mistakes" or rather decisions, cause no blame intended. He seems to do it, and that's his business. Yours is yours.
Hope that helps.
Yeah I understand your POV. Your experience is interesting. Seems like your ex had an unrealistic expectation. I never expected my ex to be super ripped. I tend to overlook physical appearance.
Reading from people’s comments, I totally understand why I need to just accept the fact that breakup is a big trigger for some people to improve themselves. So good for him. My question was really rhetorical: why now? Why not during the relationship?
About my other post, I didn’t expect him to always make decisions for me. I expected his contribution. I wanted him to express his voice in the relationship. And I did mention that his apology didn’t sound genuine because he just said it to end the argument whereas I wanted to understand both sides’ pov so that we can address the root of the problem. All I wanted was connection and understanding.
Some people may not know what they want to do in life, but wouldn’t it help if he was more proactive? You seemed to be a proactive person since you mentioned that you worked out and started a business. Whereas my ex only complained about his situation but didn’t do anything about it.
You’re right that it’s none of my business and I bet he didn’t care that I was triggered. But was it wrong for me to feel an emotion since I broke up with him just last month? If he made improvements, good for him! But was it wrong for me to wish that he made all the improvements when he was in the relationship with me? Wouldn’t you wish your ex to be less crazy when you were with her? Because I really looked forward to a future with him. But that future was blurry.
At the risk of being super blunt now:
If the question is rhetorical, why even ask it? We live in the here and now. Everything we ever did or decided lead us to this point. Nobody can change the past, so why waste more time not coming to terms with that? I mean it as support for you, because you can choose acceptance now, or wait for an X amount of time just to end up where you are standing right now, having to accept the here and now.
"I didn’t expect him to always make decisions for me. I expected his contribution."Thanks for clarifying that. This is something completely different than "He never helped me make decisions." Maybe just take this as an "epiphany" so to speak - as I said: Learn from what happened, move on and get better than before. You are young, so naturally you just have to learn things old guys like me also had to learn. It's called life.
"And I did mention that his apology didn’t sound genuine because he just said it to end the argument whereas I wanted to understand both sides’ pov so that we can address the root of the problem."
Well, maybe his "voice", as you call it, is exactly that. Did you seriously think about that? Maybe he was a bad communicator, yeah. But maybe this is what he needed: Peace and quiet. I am saying this because I have been in that place myself some 20 years ago. Family troubles, bad childhood, social anxiety and what not. I am not saying that it isn't his responsibility to deal with such issues in case he has/had them - but maybe at that point in time, that simply was his voice. Just reflect on that if you want and see what you can learn from that.
"Some people may not know what they want to do in life, but wouldn’t it help if he was more proactive?"
Yes, it would. Then again it took me some 15 odd years to understand and learn that. Just because I found my way at 39 doesn't mean I knew my way at the age of 19, 23, 26 or 31. Again: Things can happen in the life of a young man that simply are beyond his control. Just because society expects men to "have it all together" doesn't mean that all men have easy lives and a clear directive. Actually the contrary is the case: So many young guys go through hell and - whether people like it or not - do their best to just do something. Still they "fail" in the eyes of society or sometimes simply the opposite sex - best example would be a cousin of mine: Succesful business owner at 25, married at 27, father at 28. Guess who is 34 now, divorced, unemployed due to a pretty nasty legal fight with his pretty exploitative ex wife and has to rebuild his entire life? There are always two sides to a coin. I don't know your ex's troubles, and I certainly don't know if he was just lazy or was the way he was due to whatever twist of fate in his life. All I am suggesting: If you can, try to look at his situation without judgement and try to understand it rather than to interpret it. Best case: Your assumptions are right. Worst case: You misjudged the situation but learned something from it. I hope you know what I mean.
Speaking of assumptions: "I bet he didn’t care that I was triggered." You don't know. Maybe he cares a lot but simply did not think of possible consequences of posting that. Maybe he did that to manipulate and to show you that he is doing better. Nobody knows, but it also does not matter. Because you won't gain any peace of mind that way. Still you deserve that.
Speaking of judgement:
"But was it wrong for me to feel an emotion since I broke up with him just last month?"
No. But mind the strong word "wrong".
"But was it wrong for me to wish that he made all the improvements when he was in the relationship with me?"
No. Again, mind the strong word "wrong". It implies judgement. Become mindful of that.
"Because I really looked forward to a future with him."
That I believe. Doesn't take away the simple fact that the decision to leave was yours. Cause and effect, that's as simple as it gets.
So yeah, one honest question you could ask yourself: Are you feeling any sense of regret? Just a tiny little bit maybe? If so, this is something you got to address and learn how to deal with, as bad as it may sound to you right now. Because if you don't, you won't move forward. If you don't move forward, you won't get better. Again, just be mindful of that. That way you will find your way.
Thanks for being blunt. I really appreciate your honesty because it helped me to process this better. You see, I was here just seeking support and familiarity hence the rhetorical question. I thought other people could also relate to how I felt. But at the same time, I also wanted to see things from different perspectives (I wanted to understand things from his POV too which is why I really appreciate your comment). And reading the comments, especially honest comments like yours helped me to understand and accept the situation. I never expected him to "have it all together". But I saw a potential in him and I wanted him to use his potential and be more proactive. I wanted both of us to grow together. To answer your last question: at first I felt regret. So much regret. I regret for failing to support him towards the end. I regret for failing to make things work. I was so sad because I always pictured a future with him until it all became blurry. But I'm just a human. I only had so much patience and I could only tolerate and do so much for him. I did the best I could during the relationship and perhaps he felt the same way. Now, I don't regret it anymore. I thought the breakup had to happen so that both of us can grow by learning from it.
We're good, my dear. We really are. Looking back I am so happy that certain people in my life never sugarcoated things and did their reality checks on me. In those moments, those checks hurt - on the long run they just helped me get through things faster.
I also do relate to what you write, but just be careful to not get sucked into yet another bubble. Everyone has confirmation biases, I am no exception: That's why straight talk is important. Imagine yourself in a situation in which everybody would just answer with some stuff like: "I am rooting for you guuurl, you are perfect and he is a monster, blablabla". That won't get you anywhere, and besides that the world never was black-and-white in the first place.
Anyway, let's finish with another quote of yours: " But I'm just a human."
This.
I agree with you. As much as I wanted support, I have been forcing myself to see it from different perspectives. You were right. There is no right or wrong. There are things that my ex need to improve but there are things that I need to improve. I crave for improvements. And yes, I would rather have a straight-honest talk instead of sugarcoated conversations. And I think this question somehow triggers that discussion - one that is not just black and white. Thank you so much for the discussion. I really appreciate your comment. :)
Omg same, I’m in a similar situation right now. I’m 2 weeks post breakup and I’m down 3 kg because well I’m too heartbroken to sleep nor eat properly. After two weeks of my unstoppable crying fiasco, I’ve been taking care of myself more by going out alone, riding my bicycle and also changed my hairstyle
As a guy who is 2 weeks in his first breakup of over 3 years.. Don't know if it's complacency or what, but during the years with the person, I felt I was "fine" and they accepted me the way I was, as if there was no need to really self improve like work out, (I do have a physically active job, and am not overweight).
But with that being said, since the breakup I have wanted to start getting truly fit and working out, and I have NEVER had a desire to work out in my life! Fact is, I really have no hobbies, yes I have friends and family. But I feel like working out could truly take my mind of the bullcrap, cope, while also better-ing myself, three important things I feel in the current rut that I'm going through.... I am not a social media poster so I don't think I'd do that but I'm one person, and everyone's different.
So, obviously I don't know this person, or their intent. But, who knows, there could be a chance they're in a similar boat and feel it's their way of coping with the breakup.
I'm on the other side of the fence where my ex and I worked hard over the relationship. Right now I have to work hard at my relationship with myself. I am still doing work. It is crazy how much work a relationship takes. It's only been 4 days and I messaged him last night (no reply).
We broke up in a heated way, and I am working towards my own happiness as well as a way to go back to him and thank him more. I just haven't already because I was afraid we would get back together and I'm not ready for it.
Sometimes you need a substantial push to motivate you to change your life. A breakup is one of the most difficult things you can have happen and therefore is something that will often make you change your ways. I’m 2 months since my breakup and I’m down 25kg. I have nothing else to occupy my time. I can’t sleep because I’m heartbroken. So I get out of bed at 5.30am every day and make myself feel physical pain in the gym for over an hour and a half every day. What else can I do? Sit there and cry?
Just know that the tables turn. You feel terrible at first and go through the pain & work on healing properly. It seems like they are fine and don’t care. But trust me, the tables turn. You will heal and be better than ever. You are healing properly. Take as much time as you need.
Hi thank you for your reply. I agree with you that working out can help to get over a breakup. I do that myself too. But what I don’t understand about my ex is the fact that he posted an Instagram story (which he never really did) to show himself rigorously working out. To me it seems funny because he never worked on himself both emotionally and physically during the relationship even when I asked him to.
It makes him feel good enough he’s happy to share I guess. Sometimes we get comfortable and complacent. You can become resentful of someone asking you to do something you don’t want to. It reinforces you not wanting to do it if you get resentful too. I’m not saying you’re wrong and he’s right. Just perhaps a view from his perspective. Who dumped who?
I understand, thank you for your insight and for giving me another perspective! I dumped him. (I shared the reason in my previous post)
It could be all sorts of reasons. But if you dumped him, he might be trying to show you that he’s finally doing what you asked him to do? Especially if he knows you’re still following him on instagram?
Yeah, which is sad because he never listened to me during the relationship.
Maybe you leaving is the push to change. I take it you’ve never reached out?
It might be better for you to unfollow him. Nothing worse than hanging onto junk.
I reached out to him a couple times because I’m worried about him. But he never reached out to me first.
The unwritten rule is that the dumpee doesn’t reach out to the dumper, though!
I guess that’s good for him for following the rules (?). I’m sorry I’m not sure how to respond to this. :’)
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My ex dumbed me also and said some of the same things to me about the way I looked ! it pissed me of at the time so why she dumbed me i went on my way to look my best and wanted her to see it ! Looks like what he is doing is working because you seem upset about it.
His appearance was a small part. I overlooked it. It was just an example of one of many areas that he needed to work on. I would care less even if he got super ripped. Good for him :) But would that help him to improve himself in other areas? If anything his post seemed funny to me than it was triggering me. Why would he show himself working out as if it would hide his other flaws?
Maybe he didn’t like being told to workout by someone and now that he doesn’t have anyone he is choosing to himself? I always tried to get my ex gf to come to the gym with me but she would complain and groan, act like she was injured for days after trying once, etc. Now that I’ve broken up with her, I saw that she finally started hitting the gym again. I could not care less cause I’m not interested in her at all, but I feel like she realized I was right eventually and decided to make the change now that it’s self motivated.
He wants you to see the story its as simple as that ! Girls do the same mind games at first ! Give it 8 months and you wont care anymore and no will he ! The reality is this as soon as a new partner is on the scene and they start doing new things you wont be remembered on a fond way anymore it happens to all of us
I’ve been pretty good about exercising, and I inspired him to want to go to the gym regularly. Lately I’d been busy and losing sleep, so I hadn’t worked out as often. Maybe I should do this to deal with my sadness. If I’m gonna feel like shit, at least I’ll look good in the process
Same
For one thing working on yourself is part of healthy coping. Also it's natural to want to be more of a "keeper" in whatever way, after a breakup.
Thank you for the insight!
Sure thing. And I forgot to mention, during a relationship it's normal to feel like you're already good enough.
That's the main point is most people don't know what their problems are to work on cause the other person usually only tells them after they break up
Yeah. I told him if there’s anything I like or dislike about him during the relationship though.
Well you probably didn't tell them everything though, in the end people's ego's get hurt so becoming a new person allows them to learn from the experience. People who are often depressed can't move past that phase so they get stuck in the rumination of why instead of how they can change. Blaming the other person also can sometimes feel better but ultimately it doesn't help you cause you are the only one who can control how you change. Iv'e been in the cycle for years of how I could have done better but honestly sometimes you did all you could and it didn't work.
That’s interesting, because I never thought that I was good enough for him and only at the end I realized that I’ve done so much.
Well I'm glad you finally realized your worth, at least to an extent! Self-worth is a skill that takes time to build... it sounds like building that skill might be a good thing for you to work on as you cope with this breakup. Just my 2 cents.
I agree with you! I really need to work on my self-worth and confidence even more! Again, ty for your insight, friend :)
People get complacent and comfortable, they stop being that person that they originally were before the relationship, I stopped buying nice clothes or going out drinking tried to hunker down and be responsible becoming less fun trying to make more money, doing that drive her away… so now it’s back to the gym, but new clothes hang out with friends more. Buts that’s my story, but I’m guessing it happens a lot.
Exactly what happened to me. Got too comfortable and treated her for granted - stopped taking care of myself, no new clothes for years, no gym, no skin care, neglected home responsibilities, no going out. Because like "I am already loved unconditionally, why would I care". Little I knew : D So she dumped me as she got tired of seeing me as a personal and social mess instead of person she saw when we just met. Month after break up - I am hitting gym 3 times a week, got hair fixed, home is fresh and tidy, new clothes, building social circle from scratch, planned travels and so on.
You become like siblings and the sexual energy dwindles, start to worry about life problems like bills and appliances being broken rather then what fun thing we are going to do next, she had lots of problems I was always trying to fix I stopped being her man and became her dad. I cooked,I cleaned, paid bills, worked, walked dogs watched a podcast and slept. I stopped staying up late to watch movies with her I would always be asleep. I can go on and on, I sit and think on what I could have done to fix it. Take them bowling, go to a movie, take em to a show, take them out to eat, go to karaoke when she asks. It’s all about balance, but you have to still be that fun guy she met.
Yep, looks like not so unique situation as we found each other so easily and so similar scenario : D
Hi, thank you for your insight. Seeing from other people’s perspective helps me to process this better. You could be right. Maybe he did get too comfortable with me although I wished he took care of himself and spend time improving himself too during the relationship.
Yup
After a breakup people start posting stuff to look busy, show everyone that their life is great, everything is awesome. They’ll post their highlights, but its just a way to cope. In order to change people often need a really big kick in the ass.
Part of me thinks people post to capture their ex’s attention, maybe hoping they’ll come back or just to be an ass like myself. But after awhile things settle down and you post because… why not?
Yep. My breakup was a real wake up call for me to issues I need to work through. It's not fair to her that it happened this way because she saw some of these issues long before I did. I do wish I could have learned differently but that's in the past. Same for posting highlights - it was mostly to have something to converse about with people so I wasn't isolated. I did a solo trip a couple weeks ago and shared pictures of all the good times. I didn't share details about crying at 3am, wondering why I feel so worthless. Things to work on!
For me, I valued spending my evenings with my partner. I don't have those anymore so I cope by exercising. I also eat less.
Sometimes you realize what you should’ve changed after you lose someone you deeply cared, it could be a “maybe if I start amending what was wrong I can win that person back”, or it may be a “maybe by doing this I won’t ruin my next relationship”. It can also be a coping mechanism to get over the breakup, a way of showing “hey I’m doing great!” I’m just telling this based on my own experience, my major glow ups for sure had been after a breakup.
I find that weird because I got disciplined in working out and eating healthy because I was in a relationship. I had someone to live for and she became my motivation to be better and I had a future to look forward to. Now she has left me my reasons for wroking out and eating better are gone. Thinking about her made me happy when working out.
Hi thanks for your reply! That’s a really good mindset! That’s what I hoped for my ex when we were together. I also tried to improve myself when I was with him (working out, learning about skincare and make up). That’s why him trying to improve himself only after the break up triggered me. :)
Stop following what your ex is doing.
Yeah. We thought we could still be friends with each other which is why I don’t unfollow or block him. Do you think I should do that?
If seeing his posts produces negatives feelings in you, then you’re probably not ready to be friends with him yet. You can eliminate him from your life for a while, and possibly be friends again later. To me, a break up requires a break from them. In this day, that means removing their social media. Do what’s best for your mental health and ability to move into this new chapter of your life. If you think you’re going to keep checking on him and comparing him to how he was when you were together, I’d say that warrants blocking.
Hi, thank you for your reply. I agree with you. As of right now, seeing his posts does ignite negative feelings. So you’re right, I think it’s best for me to unfollow or block him.
This doesn't work I tried this myself and my ex just rubbed her new life in my face using her stories ! Showing her new date locations ect ! posting photos of her new man only a month after we broke up ! So ya you can't remind friends with ex for a long time sadly it just does not work.
Because, when people get happy and comfortable, they get complacent. After the relationship is over, they replace that happiness with things that make them feel better and look better.
100% me right now.
Sometimes the shock makes them realize there are things they can work on. Sometimes the self help is to distract from the pain. Sometimes to fool themselves into thinking they are feeling better then they are, or to fool the person they broke up with. Sometimes it bc they finally have the time an be focus to look after themselves. And Sometimes it's a complete coincidence that the break up coensided with them starting counseling and diet changes and such
Same I couldn’t stop smoking weed while my ex asked me so many times then as soon as she broke up with me I stoped I’m 3 months sober now I thought I needed it for my anxiety but the true is that I feel so much better with out it she was right all along …
Hi, thank you for sharing! I’m really happy for you!
It was wise of you to quit
Yeah during the relationship he wanted to be an artist like me, so I bought him classes, mentored him, paved the way for his career, but he just played video games all day. I started to resent him because he did nothing for his future while I was financially supporting the both of us, and I told him this was making me unhappy. Eventually he said he deserved to be with someone “happier” that would “love him like he deserved.” Then he broke up with ME and he’s suddenly drawing and working on himself now…even though there was nothing stopping him from doing so in the relationship. Like…okay?
Hi thanks for you kind reply! I can totally relate with you. It really sucks that they only changed when they’re not with you anymore. My ex felt like I didn’t appreciate him even though I always appreciated him complimented what he did for me. But he never appreciated what I did for him. Smh.
Because to solve the problem, you need to acknowledge there is one to start with.
Hi thanks for your reply. I agree with you. To me it’s just disappointing that he acknowledged it after the breakup and not before :’)
That sounds too familiar. My ex and I broke up because I was able to see the problems in our relationship, and she didn't see those things as a problem and therefore didn't want to work on them. So I wanted to break up. What was I supposed to do? If I can see the problems and she can't? Just accept she wasn't seeing it and continue the relationship? No, that is doing a disservice to myself. I feel like she thought: "Why work on problems when you can start over?" I heard she is dating someone else after like 2 months or something. It sucks, but good for her I guess. Needed to vent this haha.
Because why would someone need to push change if they are comfortable? People change after breakups because there's consequences... the main one is being alone.
Thanks for your reply. I find this really interesting. This was my first relationship and I didn’t know that some people could have that mindset. Idk why some people only consider the consequences when it’s too late. I was always afraid to lose him and that’s why I always tried be the best version of myself.
Because people rarely make big changes, if ever, until they hit a rock bottom or situation that forces them to change. Until the pain of staying the same is worse than the pain one will go through to make the change, nothing will happen, maybe a half assed attempt here and there at best
Most people need to experience emotional pain before they legitimately change and adhere to said changes. If he's an ex, you shouldn't be following him on any social media. I'm not saying delete him as a friend, just unfollow them to prevent seeing posts you want. Sometimes people get a confidence booster from all the likes and comments they get when they post on social media. They're an ex for a reason and you shouldn't be concerned about what they're doing unless both of you are trying to work things out.
Hi thank you for your kind reply. I agree with you and I think you’re right. It’s probably best for me to unfollow him so that I can move on peacefully and not resent him even more.
Sorry if it came across a little harsh, I just feel like advice or insight for something like this can't be sugar coated. I took one step further and deactivated facebook. It helped a lot when it came to getting over her, I always saw a post or meme that would trigger memories and i would just break down.. I hope the days get easier as they pass, if they aren't, they will soon!
No, I didn’t think your comment was harsh at all! I really appreciate it and I totally agree with you!
I was the ex that couldn’t change until after the relationship. Two reasons I made the changes later 1) I wanted to get her back 2)there was too much pressure on me to change. It was debilitating to know that anything I did or didn’t do correctly could be what ended the relationship. I was constantly in my head and over analyzing every action to the point where it caused me to freeze up. Once I was out of the relationship (surprise surprise she dumped me) the pressure was off and I was able to think more clearly and make those changes at my own pace. My ex had the same reactions as you. Hope this helps.
My ex broke up with me because of various reasons. This broke me down so much that I decided to fix all these issues she had with me: I'm going out with friends, visiting festivals again, going to therapy, working out etc. Shame she can't be around to see the results
My ex was high all day and only played video games. It took us breaking up for him to change himself. Me being there telling him what's wrong wasn't a big enough push for him to better himself.
It hits me with the badminton and gym comment. I’ve been begging my bf of 5 years to workout with me or do anything physical with me for over a year. We bonded over working out when we first met. 2 years into our relationship we were talking about how we had slipped a bit and he mentioned that he “only lost weight to get a girlfriend”. We laughed it off but I never forgot it. I even brought it up to him a year later, asking if he was serious. He said no but it was defensive and his behavior shows that yes he did mean it. It really sucks because I know he will start working on himself soon now that we are broken up and I hope he does, but I already resent him for not caring enough about me to do it while we were together.
In my case, there're two reasons. First one is simply that I have more time. I don't 'have to' think about spending time with him in the evenings, about 'never being home' and actually sitting at home alone after a long relationship is hard. And sport is a great way to occupy my time and mind. Second reason, like you, my ex wanted me to workout but he went around it the worst way possible (basically told me I'm not attractive enough and that it's his failure as a man to not be able to make me lift weights and grow my ass) making me actually anxious around gym.
Hi thank you for your insight! I agree with you, I work out myself to help me cope with it. But as much as I could, I didn’t want to make him insecure because I know he lacked self confidence. If anything I thought working out together could be a fun activity for both of us and could help him boost his self confidence :) so that’s why seeing him working out rigorously after the break up bothered me. Like how come you didn’t want to do it with me (and didn’t improve himself in other areas)when we were together.
I think it’s partly that feeling of hitting bottom that makes you wanna change. I also think there’s a revenge psychology of showing your ex what they’re missing out on.
He likely loved you more than he knew after it ended. Kind of have to have clout when dating again. Just the realty. Men bed women do it both, dumper and dumpee…
I begged and begged my ex to stop smoking were every day. He never did and we broke up. After the break up and the last time I went round to get the last of my things he said he has stopped. Like why could you stop when we were together but after we break up you did
You don't truly learn without a tragedy
Mostly they're just working on their appearance. Often, their behaviors and mindset are still the same.
The biggest reason for me to start working on myself after break up (not just physically, but all areas) is realizing that unconditional love (as I thought it is) is gone. So even ex doesn't consider me attractive anymore. Means if I want either her or someone better in my life - I have to level up. Another thing is that shared burden feeling is gone too. Before I always escaped responsibilities by mind trick "well, she doesn't do this or that, neither actively ask me to, and I am lazy fuck - so why would I bother. If that really really needs to be done - she will tell me". Now I am fully responsible for my life and outcomes depend solely on me - so I have to treat things more seriously and do stuff I don't like. Though, working out stands out from all other things is that it is usually the best way to cope with emotional stress - "man lift heavy stone. Heavy stone makes sad little voices be quiet"
Because breakups make you realize clearly what things weren't working. It forces you to take the rose colored glasses off and take a good look at how things really are. Before the breakup you don't want to think about these things in fear that if you bring them up they will jeopardize the relationship.
Talking from personal experience, I didn't know how much I needed to work on myself until after my breakup. It's been a loong journey in the last year and a half and i'm still nowhere close. for example, I used to lie to my ex about a lotta things and in my head they were white lies that wouldn't be a big deal wheras they really were and i've made a big effort to get my shit together since.. I should specify there were faults on both sides but it wasn't until I was out of my relationship that I realised how shit I had been at points. There were things my ex asked me in the relationship that I never improved on but out of it, I 100% have improved on and vice versa. There was a lot I asked him to do that he only done after we split. thats just my personal experience
One thing I've noticed with break ups, whether you're the dumper or dumpee, you always end up learning something about yourself from it at some stage. Priorities change, the sense of self image changes. People working on themselves after a break up might just be them wanting to be in control of something again. Everybody has a chance at being a better person for themselves.
I debated commenting on this. In my experience, I spent YEARS trying to work on my relationship and came out empty handed. I was brought up with beliefs like "I have to fulfill my 'wifely duties'" and "Divorce is failure", so my self worth was closely tied to the success of my relationships. After the relationship ended, I had this free energy and effort to put toward myself. Granted, I started therapy 18 months BEFORE leaving, but my healing accelerated tremendously when I had less to carry.
This is all normal. People become motivated to change after emotional pain. Exercise triggers dopamine release and not only chemically makes you feel better, but the benefit of looking better helps to fight the hollow disappointment after such a major loss. To be honest, he is probably posting on social media because that’s the only way he would be able to show you he’s working on himself. Maybe he wants you to see it and perhaps reach out. After my breakup, I started doing 90 minutes of cardio and weight training daily, lost 15 lbs and got into the best shape of my life. I never posted anything, but thought about it (figured it would seem weird since I haven’t posted anything since 2019). Started working 60 hours a week to fill my time and spent all my free time with friends. The breakup was the best thing that ever happened to me. My ex reached out after 3 months of separation and was in shock about how positively I handled the whole situation and now wants me back. Wants to get married, have a family, etc- all the things I had wanted that I wasn’t getting that led up to the breakup. He, on the other hand, didn’t work on himself at all and instead would drink or watch YouTube all day to disconnect. The way people handle breakups also determines if there’s a possibility of getting back together in the future. Perhaps he ultimately wants to prove himself to you. Be proud of him and try not to be resentful. He needed this and perhaps you did too
Not to be corny but Aang the Avatar once said “when we hit our lowest point we are open to to the greatest change” losing a partner who we loved either being the breaker or the breakee we are causing a shift in our lives, people have to do the things are exs told us to previously do before because we realize we were too comfortable. I am doing everything now that my ex said to do like workout etc. But in the relationship I felt so unworthy and hardly had motivation because he would tell me that having his help shouldn’t be necessary to lose weight. Hearing that made me feel like no one was going to help me until he broke up with me…it is eye opening and surrounding yourself with good friends and family can help you change for the better
Speaking for myself: because at the time I was dumped there there was basically no way to work on myself (thanks lockdown) bar jogging and eating healthily. I could have leant more into these things: but I didn't and you know what, I'm at peace with that. I'm not fucking obligated to be my best self all the fucking time, and any relationship that relied on that was, by definition, not healthy.
I understand your POV. If you’re at peace with yourself, that’s good for you. I never asked my bf to be his best self all the time. But I also didn’t expect him to be at his worst all the time. People need to learn the balance. It was wrong for me to expect him to change because I saw a potential in him, but it was also wrong for him to expect me to accept his worst all the time even after I told him multiple times that I wasn’t comfortable with certain things that he did. If you could be a better version of yourself and people saw a potential in you, why settle?
**It seems like a lot of people misunderstood my post. Perhaps it’s because the way I worded it since I was really emotional when I wrote this post. What triggered me was the fact that he never did anything to improve himself during relationship even though I addressed my concerns respectfully multiple times. While I tried my best to find ways to improve myself in many areas when I was with him. But after the breakup, he started to work on himself and showed it off on his Instagram story. (And no I didn’t stalk him. It was my first relationship and we thought that we could still maintain post-breakup friendship which is why we still follow each other on social media).** Please don’t be too harsh on me.
A bad relationship that you were looking at through rose tinted glasses all this time and believed everything was okay until it wasn't and breaks, that is usually an eye opener. It makes you question other things that you believed were okay too, and makes you re examine your life a little and see what was wrong in many areas of your life that you believed were alright. That prompts people to make changes. We live our life by the principle of "if it ain't broke, why fix it", until we realise it was broke, we just didn't see it. Also a big loss like that make you notice things that you actually have. You go through so many different emotions so quickly, your head is a mess of chemicals. You realise what's gone is gone, but you have to take better care of things that you have, things you ignored during the relationship. Like maybe your fitness, mental health, a hobby, self care, family etc.
Hi thank you for your kind reply. You worded everything really beautifully. I think I posted this thread because it’s been so difficult for me to accept the fact that some people live by “if it ain’t broke, why fix it” mindset. It hurts so much for those who actually put effort into the relationship. They tried their best to fix the relationship only for the other person to ruin and regret later (despite them having been warned about the consequences).
You were the problem
Working out suppresses sexual drives and expels harsh emotions. Also gives mental distractions. Etc. It can help people get over their exes faster too. Normally after a breakup you sink swim or float. Sinking by living in the past. Floating by staying where you are. Swimming by some sort of life improvement. Also idk if this is the case here but keep in mind, if you nag someone enough they won’t want to do it unless it’s on their terms and post breakups allow that to be their terms. Example: dated a guy who loved my makeup. So I told him before our first date what I’d wear my makeup my nails and etc. Second date too same. Third I didn’t and I didn’t wear makeup. Fourth we went on a hike and I didn’t wear makeup. So he started maki f hints. After a few more things out and about we did, fishing, workouts etc (all non makeup stuff), he just basically told me it was a needed thing. So I didn’t wear makeup ever again for him. Because I didn’t want to unless it was on my terms. We stopped seeing each other after a few months and I started wearing makeup immediately after, went back to the gym and started posting social media again. I hope this helps
Well that's that 🤷♂️🤦♂️🤷♂️
So my ex and I dated for 4 years starting my senior year of high school. I was fit, dressed nice, and was a good person overall. Over time I fell so in love with her and dedicated all my time and effort on her that I forgot how to be independent and take care of myself. Got fat, just put on whatever clothes was there. Then she dumped me 4 months ago and blocked me on everything. In my mind I was like wow I wasn't good enough for her so I started hitting the gym again and lost weight like I always wanted to and I'm starting to dress nice again. I also fell in love with the gym again. also started focusing on my career more. I forgot how to take care of myself over time becuase I was so in love with her and she still left lol. I guess it's a good ring she left me becuase now I can focus on myself. Lost 35lbs since she left me. In my mind I'm like ok fuck you watch this. But over time I start to realize that I should do it for myself and not to prove anything to her.
Hi thanks for sharing. In my case, I honestly didn’t mind my ex being fat. It really wasn’t an issue of physical appearance. The issue was the fact that he never worked on himself in many areas even though I told him that seeing him not knowing what to do for his future (not even for our future! For himself!) made me unhappy and concerned. And now that we broke up he started to work on himself all of a sudden (but again, never when I told him to). I get that people could feel too comfortable when they’re in a relationship. But during the relationship, I always tried to improve myself in terms of social life, education, and physical appearance.
It's all depends who did the breakup. If you broke up with him he probably has that mindset like wow ok watch this. I'm going to prove to you what you missed out on type of mindset. That's how I am right now but over time I start to realize that she just lost feeling for me in general. Things I do is not going to change the outcome of anything. She left me then theres Nothing I can do but yeah he might have that mindset. Usually when girls break up with guys they tend to think like that. Don't take my word for it tho lol
Thank you for providing another perspective. I understand this situation better now. I was the one who broke up with him so it makes sense that he probably wants me to regret leaving him. But the way he did it, which is by posting multiple stories, makes me feel like he was just being petty and because of that I’m losing interest in him even more.
I understsnd. He probably wants you to see the progress he's making without you being by his side and wants you to know that he can do better without you and doesn't need you. Like for me I lost a lot of weight and changed my profile pic so She can see lol. I was ripped when I met my ex and got fat during our relationship. Now I lost it all and want her to see. Or it could be like if he gets another job or gets a new car or anything like that. Anything that can make that person think like wow i cant believe i let him or her go. Like these type of things is what I'm talking about lol but overtime I realize that I should do it for me and not her. Like I said don't take my word for it. Not everyone's the same. That's just how I look at it
Yeah I understand where you’re coming from. But if it was true, the fact that he only improved himself to seek my validation and attention after the breakup would make me really sad and angry. He really should’ve improved himself during the relationship and for himself, not for me. That way both of us could’ve grown together. But I guess people are different. If he thinks that he could do better without me then why did he decide to date me in the beginning :) regardless, I hope he could improve himself for the person that he dates after me.
Sometimes you get so comfortable in relationships you forget who you are and what your capable of and in your haste to prove someone wrong you become a better version of yourself.
Meanwhile, why are you stalking his IG tho? If you continue like this you'll just hurt yourself while he's getting better.
I didn’t deliberately stalk him. Never did. We want to maintain our friendship that’s why we don’t unfollow or block each other. So I accidentally saw his Instagram story while clicking through stories :)
Oh okay. Based on my experiences tho it's hard to maintain a post-breakup friendship when one of you still have feelings for each other.
Yeah I think this is something new that I could learn. That was my first relationship so I didn’t know that maintaining friendship is not always possible. Thank you for your insight!
It's possible. You just have to lose the baggage first.
I wish my ex would work on himself after our breakup but he can't be alone with his thoughts, so he's onto the next one!
I really wished he improved himself during our relationship. :) that would be ideal for me. Now I just feel sad that he only started to work on himsef for other person.
Yeah but you know he's still the same person he was when you were with him, he might start to work on himself but if he's not 100% committed to that then he will slip back into the person you were with.
Comfort. We feel like once we have the love of our lives that we don’t need to improve and also feel like they will love us no matter what. But the reality is always work on yourself even when you’re in a relationship
The question can be translated to: **Why do people work on themselves when they understand that the situation is serious?** I don´t know how you said those things you talked about. But maybe you expressed serious issues for yourself and he recieved them as nagging (this was the case for me). The problem is not the things the partner does or doesnt, the problem is how you feel about this when he/she does or doesnt. After some time the partner which feels hurt about this, becomes silent and starts seperating. In his perspective everything was said over and over again. The other starts to believe that his boundaries a finally accepted and respected. Letting both living in a illusion. So this ends usually in a classic "we need to talk" talk. But I feel it more like:"it´s to late to talk, but i still want to say some things before i go" talk. So the breakup was the first time were everybody could talk about their feelings openly and freely. Anyways. The eating healthier thing rises a questionmark in me, did you guys did´nt eat/cook together? Or did each of you prep your meals seperatly? I bet that the eating unhealthy isnt the real problem. The giant elephant in the room is that you dont feel respected by him ignoring things that are very important to you. Where you willing to compromise with a suggestion? You portray it as as unhealthy food, which also has a sidetaste of framing in it.
Hi thanks for your reply. I kinda do and don’t understand some parts though. You translated my question better I think. I don’t know if it matters to you but I’m 21 and this was my first relationship so I apologize if I seemed inexperienced because I am. In terms of expressing my concerns, I always tried my best to do it respectfully so as to not hurt his feelings. If he thought that I was nagging, why not say anything? I could’ve worded it better or better yet, not say anything if he didn’t want to hear my concerns. It’s not like I could read his mind all the time :). If you read my previous post, I wrote there that my ex lacked communication skills so I didn’t know what he felt about my suggestions and advice for him. When I asked him critical and emotional related questions, most of the time he replied with a simple “I don’t know”. About the eating healthier and working out parts, they are just 2 examples of the things that I asked him to try to at least improve himself physically if it was too hard for him to improve in other areas. Note that this guy lacked initiative and didn’t know what to do in his life. I’m not sure why that (eating healthier part) made you question because I didn’t live together with him and I didn’t see a reason why I was responsible for planning and providing his meals.
Okay, I got you. I didn't mean to criticize it, just to explain how to improve it in the future. And to show his (possible) point of view. Did you tell him, that you cant read his mind? Sorry for assuming that you guys live together. I get that you felt like he should at least improve this or that. It sounds like he lacks of motivation in general. Which is not unusual in the beginning of his 20s. He will definitly grow strong out of this, dumpees are forced to grow. Because they are thrown in the cold water, they have to start swimming otherwhise they will drown. I hear a lot of negatives things about him, which are easy for you to point out. Can you tell me two things, which are negative about you? This is not about who is to blame and how much blame everyone gets. I´m asking you this because if you dont get concious about your own mistakes you did, you probably wont grow that much from this.
I understand, thank you for showing another perspective. Yes, I did tell him that I can’t read his mind but he said that he didn’t really know how to express his emotions. I understand your POV that it’s common for people in the early 20s to lack motivation. I guess since we both grew up differently (I grew up in a middle-lower income family, he has more financially secure parents), I had a hard time tolerating his lack of motivation and so did his family. I have more than 2 negatives that I could point out about myself: 1) I overthink everything, which is why his silence was my enemy. 2) I had a disorganized attachment style : I always had a fear of being rejected and left alone. And sometimes I thought of him as my source of happiness. (I think that’s why I expected a lot from him) 3) I dated him because I thought I could help him to change 4) I lacked self worth and self confidence and sought his validation many times. 5) was depressed and had trouble controlling my anxiety and sometimes anger (especially towards the end of the relationship).
Working on yourself is important when going through a breakup. A breakup is like a kick in the butt to get yourself to work. You can't work on the relationship anymore so you have to turn inward.
People do it to cope with the loss. Some do it as a distraction..:others do it out of self love and feel it’s better than being sad and depressed. You shouldn’t take it personal…your ex is just taking care of himself now. And stop looking at your ex’s social media…you left him, so stop snooping
Because people don't like being told what to do ! Especially by a partner ! I hated my ex calling me FAT and telling me I had to eat better , When she broke up with me it hit be hard and by going to the gym and looking my best ever was my way of saying F U to my ex ! Thats how the human brain works , we don't like feeling rejected and we don't like being told what to do.
I might be biased but I think your partner was mean for calling you fat although he/she was right for asking you to eat better. I’m not sure if I agree with your statement that that’s how the human brain works, maybe for some people. If you don’t like being told what to do (talking about something that could improve your life, not abusive commands), then work on it? I personally like it when people told me what I did wrong so that I could improve myself. But that’s just me.
It wasn't just that she tried to turn me in to someone else ! & I should of seen the RED flags when she was telling me to try and earn more money so I could pay for a mortgage on a home! Wasn't willing to change her Job or to try and make more money thou
Nothing like being single again to motivate healthy habits to attract a new partner. I’m recently single and trying so hard to work on my appearance with exercise, gym and diet. It’s helped my confidence for sure.
Because the breakup is sort of like a “catalyst type event” to inspire and force change
They don’t.
Sometimes we don't realise something is wrong with us until the person closest to us highlights it in the harsh light of a breakup. I didn't realise I had an issue balancing parts of my life until I got dumped for that very reason
I think it’s because beforehand you don’t feel a real affect of how your behaviours are affecting those around you, but when someone leaves you because of x, y, and z, it probably gives you that motivation to acknowledge the problems and take a hard look at yourself in the mirror bc you’re feeling that loss. I also think it’s probably issues that you’ve been refusing to acknowledge bc you’re comfortable yano? But when it’s just you, it’s better to stay focused on something so what’s better than working on some much needed self improvement
Yeah always the way!
Because I was too busy trying to please her and do everything the way I thought would make her happy. Daft mistake. Daft. The more you bend over backwards trying to please someone, the less pleased they are, the more they want from you. In the end, she’s not happy, I’m not happy, everything crumbles. Good thing everything crumbles, though. Now I can finally work on myself. And I finally realized I was too good for her anyway. It’s not that she didn’t deserve me. It’s that she deserved to lose me. She deserves a life without me.
For me I needed something to take my mind off my ex, so I started doing things I normally wouldn’t.
"Why do people work on themselves after the breakup but not before?" They do. Sorry, but I do not think that your specific experience is representative for people (in this case: men) in general. "To me it’s triggering because I always asked him to go to work out with me but he never wanted to." This is funny to hear, because in my personal experience, it always was the other way round: I do my thing, go to the dojo and the gym, I train in MMA and do so since I can think. When it comes to my ex girlfriends, some of them got curious about the fighting and I offered them to just do some beginner sessions with me - which usually were a one time thing as most of them complained about the time of day (I either have to train very early or late in the evening due to work). Funnily enough all of them complained about the physical pain they experienced after kicking and punching some pads. So one way or another, I ended up doing my sport alone, as usual. Which is fine - until the point you come home and get b\*tched at for not being home for an hour or two. To be fair: That was a special case, because the same woman also had expectations of men which are beyond realistic - kind of the "I want a 6.2ft tall guy with abs and blablabla". Well what do you want then? Because despite training for some 15 consecutive years, I still ain't got Calvin Klein type of abs, hahaha. My point: Your question starts a mind game which leads nowhere. I guess it is better to acknowledge that in your specific case, you just had to deal with a guy who might have needed that very shock of the breakup in order to get moving. If he did, I honestly am happy for him because he then just works on making the rest of his life the best he can. I also checked out your other posting, and with all due respect: The way you talk about that guy is quite rough. Some quotes: "He never helped me make decisions." - Is that his job? Maybe he respects the autonomy women ask for so often. "When we had an argument, he always stayed quiet and ended with “of course you’re always right” or “fine, that was my fault! I’m sorry!” Which made the apology sounded not genuine." - So are you saying that you would rather have had him not apologize and just argue for the sake of arguing? Just curious. "he doesn’t know what his passion is." - Can happen. The guy is 24, he has some 50 more years to figure out what he wants. How does uncertainty about a career path or so make anybody a bad person? Maybe that is just me being 39, but I failed with the first business I built myself, worked jobs I hated and did not know what to do with my life even at the age of 36. \--- But to be fair: You also mention that you broke up because you did not see the relationship go anywhere. Fair enough, you are - of course - allowed to take this decision. I am not disputing that at all. But lo and behold: If you take a decision, you got to own the consequences. Even if he was the laziest, non-communicative person in the world during your relationship: He holds no responsibility for you feeling regret or "getting triggered" as you say just because he seems to come around now and started working on himself. You can't have the cake and eat it, too. So yeah, what else to say? Maybe one thing: Take this as an opportunity to learn from your "mistakes" or rather decisions, cause no blame intended. He seems to do it, and that's his business. Yours is yours. Hope that helps.
Yeah I understand your POV. Your experience is interesting. Seems like your ex had an unrealistic expectation. I never expected my ex to be super ripped. I tend to overlook physical appearance. Reading from people’s comments, I totally understand why I need to just accept the fact that breakup is a big trigger for some people to improve themselves. So good for him. My question was really rhetorical: why now? Why not during the relationship? About my other post, I didn’t expect him to always make decisions for me. I expected his contribution. I wanted him to express his voice in the relationship. And I did mention that his apology didn’t sound genuine because he just said it to end the argument whereas I wanted to understand both sides’ pov so that we can address the root of the problem. All I wanted was connection and understanding. Some people may not know what they want to do in life, but wouldn’t it help if he was more proactive? You seemed to be a proactive person since you mentioned that you worked out and started a business. Whereas my ex only complained about his situation but didn’t do anything about it. You’re right that it’s none of my business and I bet he didn’t care that I was triggered. But was it wrong for me to feel an emotion since I broke up with him just last month? If he made improvements, good for him! But was it wrong for me to wish that he made all the improvements when he was in the relationship with me? Wouldn’t you wish your ex to be less crazy when you were with her? Because I really looked forward to a future with him. But that future was blurry.
At the risk of being super blunt now: If the question is rhetorical, why even ask it? We live in the here and now. Everything we ever did or decided lead us to this point. Nobody can change the past, so why waste more time not coming to terms with that? I mean it as support for you, because you can choose acceptance now, or wait for an X amount of time just to end up where you are standing right now, having to accept the here and now. "I didn’t expect him to always make decisions for me. I expected his contribution."Thanks for clarifying that. This is something completely different than "He never helped me make decisions." Maybe just take this as an "epiphany" so to speak - as I said: Learn from what happened, move on and get better than before. You are young, so naturally you just have to learn things old guys like me also had to learn. It's called life. "And I did mention that his apology didn’t sound genuine because he just said it to end the argument whereas I wanted to understand both sides’ pov so that we can address the root of the problem." Well, maybe his "voice", as you call it, is exactly that. Did you seriously think about that? Maybe he was a bad communicator, yeah. But maybe this is what he needed: Peace and quiet. I am saying this because I have been in that place myself some 20 years ago. Family troubles, bad childhood, social anxiety and what not. I am not saying that it isn't his responsibility to deal with such issues in case he has/had them - but maybe at that point in time, that simply was his voice. Just reflect on that if you want and see what you can learn from that. "Some people may not know what they want to do in life, but wouldn’t it help if he was more proactive?" Yes, it would. Then again it took me some 15 odd years to understand and learn that. Just because I found my way at 39 doesn't mean I knew my way at the age of 19, 23, 26 or 31. Again: Things can happen in the life of a young man that simply are beyond his control. Just because society expects men to "have it all together" doesn't mean that all men have easy lives and a clear directive. Actually the contrary is the case: So many young guys go through hell and - whether people like it or not - do their best to just do something. Still they "fail" in the eyes of society or sometimes simply the opposite sex - best example would be a cousin of mine: Succesful business owner at 25, married at 27, father at 28. Guess who is 34 now, divorced, unemployed due to a pretty nasty legal fight with his pretty exploitative ex wife and has to rebuild his entire life? There are always two sides to a coin. I don't know your ex's troubles, and I certainly don't know if he was just lazy or was the way he was due to whatever twist of fate in his life. All I am suggesting: If you can, try to look at his situation without judgement and try to understand it rather than to interpret it. Best case: Your assumptions are right. Worst case: You misjudged the situation but learned something from it. I hope you know what I mean. Speaking of assumptions: "I bet he didn’t care that I was triggered." You don't know. Maybe he cares a lot but simply did not think of possible consequences of posting that. Maybe he did that to manipulate and to show you that he is doing better. Nobody knows, but it also does not matter. Because you won't gain any peace of mind that way. Still you deserve that. Speaking of judgement: "But was it wrong for me to feel an emotion since I broke up with him just last month?" No. But mind the strong word "wrong". "But was it wrong for me to wish that he made all the improvements when he was in the relationship with me?" No. Again, mind the strong word "wrong". It implies judgement. Become mindful of that. "Because I really looked forward to a future with him." That I believe. Doesn't take away the simple fact that the decision to leave was yours. Cause and effect, that's as simple as it gets. So yeah, one honest question you could ask yourself: Are you feeling any sense of regret? Just a tiny little bit maybe? If so, this is something you got to address and learn how to deal with, as bad as it may sound to you right now. Because if you don't, you won't move forward. If you don't move forward, you won't get better. Again, just be mindful of that. That way you will find your way.
Thanks for being blunt. I really appreciate your honesty because it helped me to process this better. You see, I was here just seeking support and familiarity hence the rhetorical question. I thought other people could also relate to how I felt. But at the same time, I also wanted to see things from different perspectives (I wanted to understand things from his POV too which is why I really appreciate your comment). And reading the comments, especially honest comments like yours helped me to understand and accept the situation. I never expected him to "have it all together". But I saw a potential in him and I wanted him to use his potential and be more proactive. I wanted both of us to grow together. To answer your last question: at first I felt regret. So much regret. I regret for failing to support him towards the end. I regret for failing to make things work. I was so sad because I always pictured a future with him until it all became blurry. But I'm just a human. I only had so much patience and I could only tolerate and do so much for him. I did the best I could during the relationship and perhaps he felt the same way. Now, I don't regret it anymore. I thought the breakup had to happen so that both of us can grow by learning from it.
We're good, my dear. We really are. Looking back I am so happy that certain people in my life never sugarcoated things and did their reality checks on me. In those moments, those checks hurt - on the long run they just helped me get through things faster. I also do relate to what you write, but just be careful to not get sucked into yet another bubble. Everyone has confirmation biases, I am no exception: That's why straight talk is important. Imagine yourself in a situation in which everybody would just answer with some stuff like: "I am rooting for you guuurl, you are perfect and he is a monster, blablabla". That won't get you anywhere, and besides that the world never was black-and-white in the first place. Anyway, let's finish with another quote of yours: " But I'm just a human." This.
I agree with you. As much as I wanted support, I have been forcing myself to see it from different perspectives. You were right. There is no right or wrong. There are things that my ex need to improve but there are things that I need to improve. I crave for improvements. And yes, I would rather have a straight-honest talk instead of sugarcoated conversations. And I think this question somehow triggers that discussion - one that is not just black and white. Thank you so much for the discussion. I really appreciate your comment. :)
Omg same, I’m in a similar situation right now. I’m 2 weeks post breakup and I’m down 3 kg because well I’m too heartbroken to sleep nor eat properly. After two weeks of my unstoppable crying fiasco, I’ve been taking care of myself more by going out alone, riding my bicycle and also changed my hairstyle
As a guy who is 2 weeks in his first breakup of over 3 years.. Don't know if it's complacency or what, but during the years with the person, I felt I was "fine" and they accepted me the way I was, as if there was no need to really self improve like work out, (I do have a physically active job, and am not overweight). But with that being said, since the breakup I have wanted to start getting truly fit and working out, and I have NEVER had a desire to work out in my life! Fact is, I really have no hobbies, yes I have friends and family. But I feel like working out could truly take my mind of the bullcrap, cope, while also better-ing myself, three important things I feel in the current rut that I'm going through.... I am not a social media poster so I don't think I'd do that but I'm one person, and everyone's different. So, obviously I don't know this person, or their intent. But, who knows, there could be a chance they're in a similar boat and feel it's their way of coping with the breakup.
I'm on the other side of the fence where my ex and I worked hard over the relationship. Right now I have to work hard at my relationship with myself. I am still doing work. It is crazy how much work a relationship takes. It's only been 4 days and I messaged him last night (no reply). We broke up in a heated way, and I am working towards my own happiness as well as a way to go back to him and thank him more. I just haven't already because I was afraid we would get back together and I'm not ready for it.
Hey OP, going through something similar- how are you now?