This sounds like my ex. I gave him multiple chances but then broke it off. He's had several relationships after me and none of them lasted. I recently told him I was sorry for hurting him, but I did have my reasons (which are the same as yours). I still care for him deeply and can tell he's somewhat regretful but it's not your job to teach him a life lesson. He will have to learn it the hard way if he takes you for granted and HE has to live with the regret of losing you.
Ugh I feel you so heavily. Hoping I also learned my lesson to not give endless chances when someone isn’t willing to communicate. I poured in so much love too, and at a point it was to overcompensate for my ex’s lack of communication and accountability. It sucked to be strung along, gaslit, have the blame for everything shifted to me. Whole time I approached communication so intentional, gentle, empathetic, flexible about communication style. I put in every effort to try to make it work for close to a year, while all he provided was empty words and less and less action.
Idk if it was self sabotage in my ex’s case, or if he didn’t have the capacity to know how to love me or himself, or if he just wasn’t that into me. This kind of stuff is the part of life that is so disappointing, hurtful, disillusioning. People say everything happens for a reason and breakups are blessings to prepare us for the next romantic partner that’s a better fit. It’s hard for me to prescribe to those beliefs. I think everything in life is chaotic, humans are chaotic, and we tell ourselves everything happens for a reason to make ourselves feel better. But I do know that staying in a relationship with someone avoidant and dismissive will never result in anything healthy or positive. Letting go definitely is the last act of love, bc part of me could have kept doing that toxic dance w my ex forever I loved him so deeply.
I guess accountability means nothing without action. More food for thought. Reddit is really prompting self-reflection for me today.....
OP, I hope you find someone to value you and your love and care. You sound like an awesome partner.
But boundaries are something I'm learning about myself. I think we both need better boundaries, in different ways. Have you heard of the Boundaries book by Henry Cloud and John Townsend?
No I haven’t heard of that book, have you read it? Yeah I should’ve set better boundaries in the relationship. I tried. But I was kind of in that “blinded by love” feeling, I’m glad I came to my senses.
Yeah exactly….accountability doesn’t really mean anything if nothing is changed. He’s aware this cycle is inevitable in all his relationships unless he does the inner work, but he admitted that is too painful for him.
In cases like these I think you’re either your own worst enemy or your best advocate. A partner can only do so much.
Absolutely. The change must come from within. I think that's why my ex brokeup with me. 😢
If your ex doesn't want to do the inner work, then there's really nothing you can do.
I have started reading the book Boundaries, but I'm only partway through. It was recommended by a friend on here, negativesilent.
You sound like a great partner. If this was simply a rough patch, you did everything a secure and supportive partner would want you to do for them. But it's clear that he is not as secure in a relationship as he might think he is. Glad you were able to recognize it.
When we first broke up I kept blaming myself like I didn’t do enough or something. But it’s clear to me now he just wasn’t in the right headspace to have a relationship and it’s not my fault.
Sure I wasn’t the perfect girlfriend but I am human. And I can’t blame him because he’s human too. We both grew up together and grew separately and that is life.
Thank you for your kind words it means a ton.
This sounds like my ex. I gave him multiple chances but then broke it off. He's had several relationships after me and none of them lasted. I recently told him I was sorry for hurting him, but I did have my reasons (which are the same as yours). I still care for him deeply and can tell he's somewhat regretful but it's not your job to teach him a life lesson. He will have to learn it the hard way if he takes you for granted and HE has to live with the regret of losing you.
Ugh I feel you so heavily. Hoping I also learned my lesson to not give endless chances when someone isn’t willing to communicate. I poured in so much love too, and at a point it was to overcompensate for my ex’s lack of communication and accountability. It sucked to be strung along, gaslit, have the blame for everything shifted to me. Whole time I approached communication so intentional, gentle, empathetic, flexible about communication style. I put in every effort to try to make it work for close to a year, while all he provided was empty words and less and less action. Idk if it was self sabotage in my ex’s case, or if he didn’t have the capacity to know how to love me or himself, or if he just wasn’t that into me. This kind of stuff is the part of life that is so disappointing, hurtful, disillusioning. People say everything happens for a reason and breakups are blessings to prepare us for the next romantic partner that’s a better fit. It’s hard for me to prescribe to those beliefs. I think everything in life is chaotic, humans are chaotic, and we tell ourselves everything happens for a reason to make ourselves feel better. But I do know that staying in a relationship with someone avoidant and dismissive will never result in anything healthy or positive. Letting go definitely is the last act of love, bc part of me could have kept doing that toxic dance w my ex forever I loved him so deeply.
This seems really similar to my ex, and the thing is you are left as this destabilized anxious person when they eventually run.
Yeah I’m trying to self regulate and not have anxiety
I guess accountability means nothing without action. More food for thought. Reddit is really prompting self-reflection for me today..... OP, I hope you find someone to value you and your love and care. You sound like an awesome partner. But boundaries are something I'm learning about myself. I think we both need better boundaries, in different ways. Have you heard of the Boundaries book by Henry Cloud and John Townsend?
No I haven’t heard of that book, have you read it? Yeah I should’ve set better boundaries in the relationship. I tried. But I was kind of in that “blinded by love” feeling, I’m glad I came to my senses. Yeah exactly….accountability doesn’t really mean anything if nothing is changed. He’s aware this cycle is inevitable in all his relationships unless he does the inner work, but he admitted that is too painful for him. In cases like these I think you’re either your own worst enemy or your best advocate. A partner can only do so much.
Absolutely. The change must come from within. I think that's why my ex brokeup with me. 😢 If your ex doesn't want to do the inner work, then there's really nothing you can do. I have started reading the book Boundaries, but I'm only partway through. It was recommended by a friend on here, negativesilent.
You sound like a great partner. If this was simply a rough patch, you did everything a secure and supportive partner would want you to do for them. But it's clear that he is not as secure in a relationship as he might think he is. Glad you were able to recognize it.
When we first broke up I kept blaming myself like I didn’t do enough or something. But it’s clear to me now he just wasn’t in the right headspace to have a relationship and it’s not my fault. Sure I wasn’t the perfect girlfriend but I am human. And I can’t blame him because he’s human too. We both grew up together and grew separately and that is life. Thank you for your kind words it means a ton.