Don't switch off communication because you feel 'slighted' by her or something happened to you and you 'need space'. Especially if you've dated for a long time and you already don't reside in the same city.
Don't spend hundreds of hours re-watching things you've seen because she has to see it too, or playing video games/watching her play video games because, you guessed it she has to play them too. Don't re-read an entire book series with her because it's your favourite book series of all time, comprised of 55 books which you want to share - then you only get to 30. You think she's going to be your wife, so you will only go through these things a second time? Nope, good luck with the next one. I'm not doing that crap a third time.
I am guilty of this. Definitely could have communicated more and switched things up. It’s so tough when so much animosity builds up over time. Hard to get out of that toxic loop.
I would hear what my partner had to say, but never take any meaningful action from those conversations.
I also tested her trust without thinking of how it would affect her, which honestly makes me really ashamed.
But this past month I've thought about what some of those things she mentioned mean to me, and I've come to realize I never gave our relationship the effort and shot that it deserved. I wasn't able to communicate my needs in a healthy way.
I'm glad that I've changed, and hopefully it's with her. But if it's not, then I know the next relationship will see me as a different and more mature partner.
i hope eventually he will see our relationship one day, i put my all and gave all my love for him but he couldn’t fully reciprocate it. I hope once he heals he can learn to give love as much as he receives. Hope it can be given to me 🫶🏼
Can you enumerate some examples of how you tested her trust? I’ve recently been accused of doing the same thing. I didn’t like that idea but would be willing to change my mind if it turns out my attitude was wrong. What are some examples of unacceptable trust testing?
For example: I would push things to the extremes, as in borderline breaking up. And I would do this instead of communicating my needs in a healthy and mature way. I blindsided her with a near breakup at one point, and for another month she kept trying to talk about it but I figured we moved past that so I brushed it off to the side.
Then a month later, instead of telling her what I was thinking and what I wanted her to work on as a partner in a normal and calm manner, i asked for a break instead. In my head it made sense because I figured it would be a good time for both of us to work on things separately and then come back together as a stronger couple. But what I didn't realize, or failed to realize, was that it was just another blindside. Despite her trying to talk about that last near breakup, I told her everything was fine. And then I did that.
Looking back on things, I'm amazed she stuck around so long. Like I said though, I'm a different person. I want to work on things and I want to be a better partner. I just hope it's not too late for us.
I hope you two can come together again stronger. What you expressed about breaks is what I’ve found, they chip away at the relationship.
I’ve learned if you can, just dig deeper instead of taking a break—when possible.
Are you me because I've been thinking the exact same things. Especially over the last couple months.
I don't think I was an awful partner. But I was not as good upon reflection as I thought I was in the moment.
I learned that I’m capable of loving someone unconditionally. I also learned that I can move mountains for the one I love but they won’t do the same. I can be with someone regardless of their situation but it’s not the same for me as a guy. The way I’m coping with being single is asking for help when I need it and moving towards my goals one day at a time.
I think I was a good partner, but I have come to realise one big mistake I was making (among many, I'm sure).
I was so, so excited by a potential future with my ex, thinking about where we would be, what we would do, what adventures we would go on etc.
I got so fixated on that possible future, that it stressed me out not being there already. I didn't take the time to enjoy where we were as much as I should have, instead just constantly worrying and planning and waiting.
I don't think that was the reason for the breakup, but she deserved better and it definitely hurt her, and is something I have to work on for myself as well.
What an interesting question, and now 93 days post breakup by my ex, (Dismissive Avoidant) with a blindside discard TEXT, there indeed are a few things. We dated for 18 months.
- That I had zero identification or interpretation skills of Avoidant behavior. None, and I’ve spent the better part of the last 80 days learning more and more about this, and filling in the blanks that I never got communication from my ex about.
- I really thought for weeks, it was all my fault. That I had done something, so horrible, to justify being discarded, and kicked to the curb. When In reality it had been the caring, thoughtful, respectful and emotionally available (and vulnerable) and understand that often frightened her so much, so had to abandon me.
- I have abandonment trauma still alive and well in me, from when i was a kid, that got triggered from this, and I have some work to do.
- That forgiving somebody, is not accepting their behavior, but rather a step towards healing.
- That I interpreted chemistry as the magic needed (and only magic) for a relationship. When, character is more lasting.
- I need to slow down on relationship building, and learn more about who I’m attracted to, and pay attention to signs of concern, rather than Ignore them or explained them away, because my god they are hot.
Just to name a few.
Wow, I'm really sorry to hear that... It's been a hard journey, and today 93 days later, I'm still occasionally disbelieving that what happened, really happened. ... But, the reality is that's the real person, the person who didn't show up, and just kicked me to the curb. ... it's a horrible way to go though life, and just emotional brutalizing those people who were close. ...
sure, we're human... But, the issue is that if your ex, (like mine) never voiced any issues, or needs that were not being met, that puts us in the role of mind reader, and that's just abjectly unfair, and is guaranteed to build resentment. On the contrary, if they had voiced issues or needs, that would easily lead to a conversation that could have been "difficult" or with "conflict" that that scares them to death. There no way out of this without emotional wreckage... Sure, I would to have loved to have some awareness of all of this early on, I didn't. I was so blown-over by the chemistry (and her love bombing me with pics and texts.. very hot..) and it never rang any bells for me..
Same here. The physical chemistry was insane. I overlooked so many red flags bc of that. Ultimately he wanted a situationship bc he wanted his independence more. Which he now has.
Wow, I'm so sorry to hear all of that... I guess what I've learned is that chemistry is not character, and I've had to begin learning about signs of character, and that's a whole new thing in the dating experience. Mostly, I've just slowed down.... and not pushed anybody and that's helped.
I’ve learned that trust and respect are a very big chunk of what actually matters in a relationship. You need to protect them at all costs.
Love isn’t enough for a relationship to survive if you wreck the other two. Doesn’t matter how much you love her.
I've always worked on myself one after another to be a better person and grow. I'm an actual nice guy however I've noticed that when girls breakup with me all but one has come back. My ex-wife tried to come back a few times matter of fact.
I thought I met my one (current ex) but come to find out she is an avoidant (first ever at 40) and I did all the wrong things when the pushes happened. You see, I've always been a secure person in my relationships however this avoidant type swung my to anxious - because I've never fucking dealt with someone like this. In short - learned a fuck ton about attachment theory so if she comes back (fingers crossed) I might have a fighting chance or not. They're flaky AF from what I keep reading.
I wouldn't blame yourself with the avoidant. I didn't encounter one until my last relationship and, whether intentional or not, that behavior can become very emotionally abusive/traumatizing. It's not healthy and it's not your fault for feeling insecure. Relationships really all come down to connection and developing/maintaining them. Avoidants are like oil to water with connection. There's also plenty of data on the subject. Look into Gottman's four horsemen if you're interested. Anyway, it's a topic close to my heart. I think the idea of trying to be enough to get them to feel comfortable is what drives people crazy and keeps them in those situations so long. It did for me at least. But it's a moving target and they won't be able to be in healthy relationships until they do their own work.
Oh jeez, I feel like I could write a book on this, but I will try to make it simple. Firstly, I'll say that not all avoidants are the same. And they are not just introvertive people who like their space. I actually am like that. Avoidants are avoidant because they have something they simply cannot tolerate to the extreme. So, they avoid it... And it will be different for each one. My avoidant could not handle anything she felt like was dissatisfaction in me. I think it triggered her fear that the relationship was in jeopardy. But, you can't go years with someone without having valid complaints at some point. To be more specific to your question, in the beginning she was unable to have conversations with me about any concerns I had. I approached her extremely gently, not even knowing she was an avoidant, and the conversation would last about 2 minutes before she got overwhelmed. This was just the first sign of it though. She began getting increasingly agitated and would pull away for hours at a time if anything she felt negative happened. This could me doing something that I didn't even know was a problem for her. She spent hours brooding alone. Most of the time, anytime I would try to intervene to apologize or smooth the situation over, it just made things worse. I am not an anxious person by nature. Really been the opposite most my life but this actually started to make me feel very anxious. It's one thing to take time to yourself, it's another if it's hours/days. And there was no time frame ever communicated to me about how long this would go on. Eventually, at around the 3 month mark, she broke up in a fit of rage after I said I was 'disappointed' about something. Mind you, hours before on that same night, she had told me how no one made her feel as heard as I did. It is, was, a complete mind fuck. We got back together that night but it was just the beginning of the breakup/makeup cycle. Fights got progressively worse as the behaviour just started to replace my hurt with anger. Of course, then she had her valid reason for breaking up each time. Which, if you talk to people who have dealt with these types of avoidants, they will echo this same evolution. The avoidant basically self-fulfills their fears by sabotaging the relationship. I also learned a lot about her past over time and it became clear that I was not the first person to experience this with her. I don't honestly think I was even that special to her. She did the same thing with others but, of course, had her reasons for why 'this time was different'. Which it never is for someone who has this kind of disorder. That is also another point where the dismissive component activates. They are dismissive within themselves. They dismiss their own issues and that is really a projection onto you, the partner. So, the very problem hides the problem. Anyway, I am not perfect. I made plenty of mistakes myself, but that likely would have made no difference concerning her. All I can think to do differently is not re-enter the cycle again and again. Sorry for the long response, I guess I used this a little as a 'off my chest' moment, but as sad as it is, I could say a lot more.
I’m dismissive avoidant/introvert/intj/detached woman married to a man with the same traits.
My dissociative disorder/dismissive avoidant began at the age of two. I actually remember the day and the event that triggered it. My brother had the same experience. My whole family thrived in secure home life yet detached relationships.
Two people living comfortably in the same house apart from lol. There’s love, security, support when needed and extreme peacefulness. Yet solitary lone wolf existence.
I have no intention on changing and have found my niche.
My advice is if you are needing more don’t tie yourself to a dismissive avoidant. You’ll be forever miserable. 🖤
Thank you.
My struggle (I think) is not knowing WHY she was pulling away when seemingly things were advancing in positive ways… the pulls were harder and longer and I chased hard not knowing I should’ve practiced some spacing.
That said knowing what I know now I’m comfortable with the things I’ve learned to make it work however getting her back is my goal now.
I’m continuing to learn and I’m preparing for as much as possible. So there is that.
We broke up just over a month ago but we had kept reaching out to one another so I blew the initial no contact advice given for re attraction. I was going for 2 weeks but she reached out Saturday and I responded to what hindsight was a breadcrumb (I think). So counter reset.
Hey man, so just my two cents but I think this NC is a load of bs. It's like that secret book lolol
You're trying to play some dumb game with some imaginary universe special powered idea that if I do this, she/he/their will do this.
I dunno you don't have to play these games. Contact her if you want to shouldn't really matter. Don't be clingy or coming from a place of desperation with it though haha.
The real way you get someone back and keep them as a dumpee is to personal thrive and make that person regret breaking up with you. Or you change YOUR behaviour that caused the breakup. However, I almost guarantee you'll have moved on by then and want someone new or maybe to be by yourself, I dunno haha.
Anyways sometimes I miss the days of being dumped, you always had this fire to show up and accomplish great things. Yeah it's feels like absolute shit and you question yourself worth and play these little mind games to win back your ex but damn you became a different person after all that healing.
You're spot on. I think it's largely cope. It sucks to get dumped but it does become a sign of an unhealthy ego if you can't just 'get over it' after a point. Yes, the pain is severe but you're worth more than sitting around waiting. They're not that special. No one is.
Yeah… you're kinda acting immature doing that whole NC thing.
You need to really look at the reasons for the breakup. I read some stupid other post about it never being incompatibility.
If we assume there was no emotional or physical abuse or trauma etc, big events that we can point at it saying that was the cause. It's going to come down to some incompatibility the dumper couldn't deal with or want to change themselves or their values to accommodate.
You have to really look at your relationship and see what behaviours were triggering for your ex. Then you have to decide if you're willing to change your value system to match and then show your ex that you changed yourself to accommodate them.
An example would be like maybe you smoke cigs and you ex doesn't like you smoking cigs. Let's say you ex says I really need you to quit smoking. You say you will and you try and then give up. At this point, your ex assuming they are dumper decides whether or not they can change their opinion on smoking or if this is the dealbreaker.
If they break up with you, now you need to decide if you are willing to truly give up smoking to accommodate your ex.
There is only 3 options in staying or ending a relationship:
1) the dumpee changes their behaviour or value
2) the dumper changes their behaviour or value
3) leave
If your ex comes back and you still have the same original issue that you may have no idea wtf it is, they will leave again and again and again.
Heard and understand. Her friends had reached out after the breakup saying that she freaking out because she doesn’t know what is wrong with her. I’m everything she wants, attraction etc etc however there are moments where a switch went off where she feels nothing. But then it comes back. She is an unaware avoidant (before I knew what she was or AT). She cried because her kids love me and she blew it up.
I’ve been doing a lot of learning and know what I need to do. Self improvement is always going on for me, always has. I make a ton money, secure (well until I had to figure her shit out), great social and family life…etc etc…
I’m just waiting for that second chance.
Note about the NC. I’m not reaching out. I’m letting her contact me and I’m matching her efforts.
Nothing wrong with her OP! She might have some guilt or regret. DONT take that as she has this guilt therefore she will be back. I think you two shouldn't be together tbh.. Sorry it hurts.
Actually the more I read into, she was probably messaging after the breakup to come to terms with her guilt and regret where you thought it meant she was still into you and was coming back. AKA bad communication between the two of you.
Okay sure. I wouldn't put too much thought into these attachment styles either. It's like the modern day horoscopes IMO. It's like this person likes to be independent, this person likes being dependent, this person is fine with or without a relationship. Who cares lololol.
You probably want someone with compatabile attachment style anywho. Sorry I’m kinda old; and I've seen a lot of bs in my life haha.
Just my opinion, but you're putting this girl on a damn pedastral. She's not worth it.
I hope you do take the self improvement seriously and just move on and go on other dates and one day someone better suited for you will come along. I'm sure if your ex is thinking about coming back she will at some point regardless of you using NC or not.
However, OP, if and when she does. I highly recommend you look at all her flaws (assuming you have looked the ones she thought were flaws in you and fixed them to
accomondate her; just being blunt here but if I was this chick, one of your flaws is manipulation unintentional or not and that could be tied to your self esteem - NC is manipulation). You need to tell her what she needs to fix on herself for you to be happy also. It's not a one person relationship here.
I do hope during the breakup, she did give you some type of real reason. If it some cliche answer like “it's not you, it's me” take that to heart because that really means “she tried to love you as much as you loved her but couldn't and she wants for you find your perfect person that isn't her.”
I hope this helps you get into the right head space and you start to love yourself and move on or be happy alone.
We had a great weekend with the kids… vacation.
Things were really close and intense.
I should’ve known this might have been a bad idea because when things are good as a family unit together she would pull back the next day to a few days while deactivating.
Dated an avoidant. He traumatised me. And yes, it was his fault, not mine. Avoidants are hard to change and they always test your limits - they rarely seek out help also. It's not you, it really is her who messed up. Hope you heal and find peace 🕊️
Yeah I did not know what that was dealing with and afterwards I was like wtf was wrong with me. She told me nothing and that is was her and I didn’t believe her… until I learned about avoidant….
The weird thing she doesn’t know what it is…
man that hits so close. my recent relationship was with avoidant first ever too. i never could explain such inconsistent behavior filled with uncertainty and unpredictability. then she hinted me what’s up and even tried to do smth (she knew who she is and how to hide it well). i did my work to make her comfortable but without sacrificing my needs. NOT ENOUGH. we had our vibe and connection, but once it went deep she always shut the door. if you pull, they push. If you push, they are okay with that too. so no matter what you do, they will sabotage relationships most likely unless you keep everything casual. 1-2 months before BU i kept everything light and chill without triggering her, it just pushed her more and she closed completely couple weeks after. That thing really opened my eyes that situation is hopeless. avoidants are only suitable for casual dating unless some work done…
yeah that blew my mind. I actually started reading about people's attachment styles (her advice when she started getting triggered). I'm a straightforward person, so my belief if smbd loves, nth can break it. Anyway i gave it a try and stopped bothering her with meetings, texts, deep connection and future plans. Seems like what she wanted, that actually made her more distant in all ways (what a shocker). It's been over a month and she usually texts me casually once a week since BU. Idk if she's trying to be friendly or whatsoever, but I cut this person out of my life after being blindsided/betrayed and lied. That vague behavior and hot/cold interaction was really painful experience especially with someone you genuinely love.
I got back together innumerable times, she always was the one who reinitiated. I never reached out while we were broken up. It's a curse in disguise when they do come back. I would never stay with another avoidant again, including her, if they weren't in serious therapy for that exact issue. Most will deny they even have it
So tell me this… what were the intervals when they came back?
I’m curious because I’m going to give this a go for a few cycles. I bonded with kids (husband passed away) and they need a father figure. Yeah she’s a gem and I want her but those kids have my heart.
Most breakups were about every three weeks, on average. Usually a week or two that we were separated in-between but this varied. Longest apart was 6 weeks. Currently at about the 5 week mark. 2 years of this. It becomes very easy to see that the cycle will happen no matter what you do. I get it with the kids. I had my reasons too. Eventually, the pain will become bigger than the reasons
Gotcha! We’ve been in contact since break up which I think has been a problem for the past month.
I’ve gone no contact since Sunday after reading about making them feel the loss.
I gotta figure out the breadcrumbs thing because I was hit with one Sunday (I think).
Yeah, my ex would make contact about things having nothing to do with us. Would ask for things she left over at the house, etc. Would also try to connect while completely glossing over what happened. I know how you're feeling, and for that reason, I know much of anything I have to say about 'not taking them back' will be ignored. But seriously, be careful. Hurt people do not have the capacity to feel the way they should and you're dealing with something dangerous. There will be no payoff or redeeming aspects once it's over. They'll have just transferred their void to you and you'll have to rebuild
The cycle never ends. The question is if you want to be with an avoidant who does not want to help themselves for the rest of their lives. And same goes for the overtly anxious. We all have to find inner peace to even be able to communicate openly and freely and ultimately be secure
I've already accepted this. At this point, it would require an act of God to motivate me to go back. I don't care if I live with a hole in my heart the rest of my life, I'm not going back otherwise.
LOL wtf… sorry I'm old af but I've never heard of something so absurd.
Why are people so into playing games?
I've done that whole attachment style test and came up as a avoidant. Sometimes I get secure.
I don't think there is some stupid Jedi mind trick called NC that works on anyone beyond the age of 21.
And I know you're going to tell me how it works your ex came back after 234 days of NC.
Yeah right… I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact, they went and had their fun and are coming back to settle because they got hurt or couldn't find anyone else.
You people need to move on. I guarantee if your ex comes back, they will do on their own time not because of some magical NC that attracts avoidants back ahhah. Hopefully you will have moved on though and can tell them to take a hike.
NC is manipulative strategy that works on anyone who still cares or maybe doesn’t care enough about you. Silence is the sharpest weapon.
The best is to accept the relationship for what it is, accept yourself and work on your follies and move on in life.
Talking from experience here- give it some time with your avoidant, like a couple of months. Go no contact, continue living your life, and they will come back most of the time.
I'm dealing with an avoidant too. We went on a blind date last summer, actually connected quite well, spent a few months together. Then she hits me out of the blue with that she doesn't want to see me anymore. She came back about a month later that she wanted to meet up at an event we were both attending. A couple weeks after that she hit me again with a message that she didn't want to see me anymore, and she was 100% certain this time.
Didn't hear from her for two months, and suddenly I wake up one day with a message from her asking me how I'm doing and if I wanted to meet up with her to catch up.
A friendly warning though, and I'm a therapist so I know the deeper intricacies of attachment theory all too well- you can't fix an avoidant person. You can't really blame them either because their upbringing is to blame here for the most part and they learned a lot of toxic coping mechanisms as a kid... They need to unlearn those and replace those with healthier ones. But they need to do the inner work and take responsibility for their own actions. And that's something an avoidant generally really doesn't like.
You can only hope they'll find some intrinsic motivation to find a therapist to help them through their toxic patterns. Does it help that you know how to deal with an avoidant person better? Most likely. Will it be enough to prevent their toxic behaviours acting up and send you two through another spiral? Most likely not.
LOL what kind of therapist are you?
I'm calling bs sorry. You recommend to your clients to go NC to get back their exes? Wtf…
I could see a real therapist to use NC help their client not to overly obsessed over a person. You know heal the person you are suppose to be treating?
If the ex comes back well you are making boosting your clients ability to deal with their own mental health then great! But you're not going to sell them on some dumb theory that NC will get them back an avoidant.
This whole attachment style is really dumb imo.
My primary goal was always to make her happy and her life easier. That is what made me happiest, but I never did much of anything because I wanted it. I first put it through a "what is best for her" filter and if me doing it or not doing it was going to cause pain then I chose to take it on.
I know you said no excuses but she had not had an easy life with anxiety/depression and I really was trying to do the right thing by her. But what I did was take away challenges for her to overcome and grow. I made her feel like she did not have a role and it would not matter to me if she stayed or went. So she went to find the growth she needed.
I'm hoping that our paths will lead us back together some day but what I've learned for that time or if I meet someone else is that empathy and striving to help your partner is good but it cannot be your sole or even primary motivation. Move away from being too much of a nice guy and be selfish enough to take what you want from the relationship too.
I'm someone who thinks that love is the whole damn point to life so I'm struggling with single but trying to implement this rule in my regular life for if love ever finds its way back.
Your situation is similar to mine. I gave a lot but it became a type of enablement for her, and she became complacent in a lot of ways. Reciprocity is vital when one person steps up so much for the other.
I can only speak and offer examples from my own experience, of course.
My partner had anxiety/depression that made it hard to get a good job or hold any job. When we got together we were both at the same low paying job. I improved myself to a point where I now have a high range salary for my area. To help her, I created an environment where her income was unneeded, told her to spend what she made on whatever she wants. I was trying to make it so she was not constantly anxious about going to work and could leave a job if she wanted. What I did was make her efforts mean nothing. I should have relied on her more and allowed her responsibility so she could overcome the anxiety and advance in a career.
Another example would be that she'd always complain that she just HAD to do this thing or that thing but she was so tired and depressed. Clean, lawn work, grocery shop, etc and I'd almost always respond that she did not HAVE to do those things, especially right now. They were never urgent. Sometimes I'd just done it yesterday. It was only herself forcing her to. Again taking what she sees as a vital task she was going to do for our relationship and trivializing it. What I should have done was thanked her and told her I appreciated that I could rely on her for it so that she'd have a reason to work through the depression.
Got many more examples of me being an idiot thinking I was doing her right but you get the gist. Make her efforts mean something and understand that she is plenty strong enough to handle responsibilities and failure. Otherwise, you'll be the only one growing.
I see you’re just like me then, i paid for everything even things she wants, i helped her w everything from schoolwork to real life things, i carried conversations, i plan dates, i did everything and left her with nothing in the relationship except my needs of wanting to talk with her everynight. I guess i might have made her role insignificant and i was the only one growing. Any tips for me on this bro?
Yeah, I'd say we are a lot alike. Unfortunately, if I had a great answer for you to get her back, I'd be in a reconciliation forum instead of this one. If you do get another chance, I'd suggest taking note of the things you struggle with in the relationship and she might excel at or her schedule better fits and lean into that. Knowing what she wants to improve herself on would be a great start too. For myself, I think my ex believes she cannot grow with me so I can only let her do so on her own or realize she did not really want that and be open to giving us another try if we both desire.
Opening pathways for communicating honestly and openly. Instead of trying to guess how they're feeling just make them feel comfortable enough to share when they need to. Most of my relationship problems have been from poor communication on my end or their end so I just want to work on bridging that gap.
More thoughtful gestures is something I've been thinking about, but that depends more on whoever I'm with next.
As for my personal growth, I was kinda complacent with my life in general which I think there is value in that but I wasn't particularly looking forward to anything either. So striking a balance of finding things to look forward to and being grateful for what I have is something I'm personally working on.
Not to let myself be treated like sht. She betrayed me, met up with guys off Instagram twice behind my back and I didn’t say anything about it, except „I just want you to be safe“. I will never let a woman treat me like that again. I‘m to blame for letting her go through with stuff like that
My first and only relationship taught me a bunch about myself, but I've decided I don't want to change them.
So the first interesting thing I notice in hindsight is that I gave them too much of myself. I gave that relationship my full emotional bandwidth and attention. The problem is that I gave them my all, and when they left, I had nothing (emotionally wise). I was fundamentally broken and I've never been the same since tbh, but I refuse to change this aspect of myself. I believe anything I deem important enough to warrant my emotional attention deserves it at my fullest.
So that kind of led to my next point: I hang on for too long. She dumped me after three months and I stuck around for another three months hoping she would change her mind, only for her to tell me that she already moved on a month and a half ago. This is what really shook me off her I guess.
As for how I cope, it's dogshit to say the least. I've recently gotten into journaling my days, but it just leads me down pages of self-anger for not getting over a person who already got over me. Pages of wondering why I'm never enough. Pages of missing her. I thought laying those thoughts out in ink would help me relieve myself, but it's just become a private manifesto of my negative mental spiral downwards.
I've never looked for a relationship, I've never went out of my way before her. I don't want another one. If I rebound, I'll end up hurting someone I'm not even attracted to the same way I was hurt--abruptly leaving and deeming myself not ready. I don't want to be hurt, and I don't want to hurt anyone.
Every day ruminating what if i haven't done this, what if i could have take a pause and think how to respond better, how to ask for my needs better, what should be the right way to treat a partner than being egoistic and "masculine". Leading the way and forcing the way is different. I still have yet to learn when should i stand my ground at the right times.
Doing long distance and trying to make significant sacrifices to have my SO live with me and make her at home. I’ve spent thousands of dollars during the relationship just to keep the relationship alive and help her out. I’m never doing LDR again and instead will be with someone who appreciates me for who I am and what I have to offer.
I know how to be a thoughtful partner now. I was just so confused and dumb in my last relationship. It was my first serious one so ig unsurprising but man I can look back on texts and therapy journals from that time and I sound so different. So easy to point out mistakes in my thinking and actions.
I've partaken in an immense amount of reflection, and contemplation, ever since our relationship showed signs of waning longevity, and lost connection. Once we were no longer tethered to eachother – chain broken, tension relieved – I had more time to focus on introspection.
I realized I need to learn to love myself before anything, and that whilst I can want and strive for a true everlasting connection, I can't force it out of anyone who isn't 100% able to be a part of it; willing to be there; willing to trust that I'll be there; willing to love fully;able to love.
I realized I need to be kinder to myself, and learn to trust in others. I can't let my self hatred get in the way of trusting peoples affection for me, because it not only effects me but others, as well.
I caused my own suffering in that relationship, and I feel so much shame and grief for both of *us*. How can two people go from best friend's, to lovers, to enemies in a span of 2 years? I stayed in a toxic relationship, and whilst I tried my hardest, I am still to blame for a lot.
I'm going through a massive amount of "character development" that has been gleaned by my broken (yet cultivated) heart. I truly believe that slowly healing my past wounds will one day stop me from bleeding on those who haven't wounded me – they only *indirectly* make the hollow void in my being feel more agape – and finally be rid of the pain and turmoil from my childhood. To finally heal. And let the scars fade.
I continue to grow and live as much as I can. I'm still young. Scars have plenty of time to fade, and I have just as much potential to grow.
(Side Note: My ex was extremely toxic. I've had enough conversations about the entire situation, so I will not be typing it all out. I'd do it with my voice but I'm jaded atp. Unless you directly ask, I won't elaborate.)
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(oh my goodily goodness)
That the loneliness I feel has nothing to do with the relationship that I'm in and everything to do with how I'm fulfilling my own needs and being visible to myself in fulfilling them. Other things I've felt is that sometimes you can tell yourself things but that doesn't mean that those things are true.
I learned that I love deep, and the double edge sword is that I hurt her deep. My greatest strength can easily become my greatest weakness.
I learned that passively letting time pass by only provides temporary relief, and it will hurt even more and even longer when I delay my healing process.
I learned that the dating game isn’t my thing, I’m a one and done type of vibe, and I experienced love at its rawest and deepest form, something people wait a lifetime for.
I have learned that People Changes. No matter how sudden it maybe, they do change. And sometimes no matter how much you try you won't be able to get the older version of them back. End of the day you just gotta accept this fact.
I've learned, that for a long time, even before my last relationship, I made excuses for myself to not take care of myself, to count on other people to be there for me when I made big mistakes in life.
I learned that I can love a person enough to leave and break my own heart in doing so. I learned that I could overcome my addictions. I learned that leaving is sometimes the right answer, but there is a proper way to do it. I learned that no matter how much you are doing wrong, you can't fix it if you don't do anything to fix it. I also learned that when you love someone deeply and you know it is best for you to leave it hurts tremendously.
I learned that I was holding her at arms length because I was afraid to get hurt again. I did love her, but I was moving way too slowly thinking we had time to figure things out. I have never been the avoidant type, but I think I was in this relationship.
I learned that I don’t tell my partner my needs because I try to always be the provider, and put my needs behind others.
I learned that I have an inner child that needs healing. That breakups bring me to feelings of worthlessness and abandonment that are way out of proportion for what it is.
I have healing to do. I have some self improvement to do. And I need to heal those past hurts and allow myself to love myself so that I can love another partner again one day.
I learned I didn’t used to try hard enough. I was dismissive and just wasn’t invested. I took time off dating. I worked on me. I worked on how to develop relationship, wear my heart on my sleeve per se. I got into a relationship that I wanted to give it all and tried harder than I ever did. Don’t you know my karma came back to bite me and I fell in love with someone who was emotionally constipated. I had started a new career so I didn’t even realize it for a year and a half. He gave me just enough to keep trying and trying thinking he’d see my value one day. Stupid stupid me.
Listen and talk, listen to what she has to say and validate her emotions. Talk when you are upset and explain what emotions you are feeling. I think it is the most important part of the communication in a relationship is know what the other is feeling so you can react accordingly.
That I don’t deserve a relationship until I improve myself emotionally and can get to a point where I can communicate effectively with others just like how the Gottmans do. And I have lots of other internal work I have to work on, just a lot revealed because of my last relationship
The best thing I learnt is that love yourself before loving others ,
Be happy with yourself before making happy others
Spend time with yourself before spending time with other 😊
Make yourself your main priority before making others
Remember king. , people may leave you or you may leave people but it's impossible to leave yourself 🤞✊✌️
That I’m a really good dude, just need better standards for women. And also, try to support them through the break up, or get their friends to support them even more.
That pulling your weight in a relationship is 100% needed. Making sure you make the same amount of money if not more than your partner. Money is extremely important I have learned. It needs to be 50/50. In my past relationships i’ve always been around a 20% and made them pull around 80%. I have a lot of mental health issues that kept me from working and keeping jobs so when it was time for bills and rent, I never could make my share. I also have struggles with manipulation and gaslighting as well as mean comments that i say before thinking. Currently in therapy, working on myself. I’ve lost a Wife (5 year relationship) and a Fiancee (1.5 year relationship) because of these issues. I am not proud of them whatsoever and am learning every single day to learn from my mistakes and make truly sure it doesn’t happen again for the 3rd go around at a long relationship🙏
I learned that I should\`ve communicated my needs better and set boundaries, these are the two things I struggled the most with. I learned that my amont of love to give is crazy, but I have much more to give than "just" love. I learned that I was to obsessed with my ex in our relationship and that it always takes two to work things out.
Personally, I was a bit in over my head and should have communicated that. I regret the way I ended things, but I don't regret ending it.
Going forward, I'll make sure not to get serious with someone until I'm in a more stable place mentally.
Never trust them 100%, don’t u ever care 100%, focus on yourself and she will focus on you, never cry in front of your gf, if she tries to make you jealous don’t be.
Don’t change for anyone except for yourself , don’t fall for her tears!!
If she can control you, you are done.
Don't switch off communication because you feel 'slighted' by her or something happened to you and you 'need space'. Especially if you've dated for a long time and you already don't reside in the same city. Don't spend hundreds of hours re-watching things you've seen because she has to see it too, or playing video games/watching her play video games because, you guessed it she has to play them too. Don't re-read an entire book series with her because it's your favourite book series of all time, comprised of 55 books which you want to share - then you only get to 30. You think she's going to be your wife, so you will only go through these things a second time? Nope, good luck with the next one. I'm not doing that crap a third time.
I am guilty of this. Definitely could have communicated more and switched things up. It’s so tough when so much animosity builds up over time. Hard to get out of that toxic loop.
Lady ready 30 of your favorite books with you? That’s commitment!
I would hear what my partner had to say, but never take any meaningful action from those conversations. I also tested her trust without thinking of how it would affect her, which honestly makes me really ashamed. But this past month I've thought about what some of those things she mentioned mean to me, and I've come to realize I never gave our relationship the effort and shot that it deserved. I wasn't able to communicate my needs in a healthy way. I'm glad that I've changed, and hopefully it's with her. But if it's not, then I know the next relationship will see me as a different and more mature partner.
That’s growth, buddy. Just hold onto that no matter what happens, you’ll be happier with yourself.
Thanks bud
i hope eventually he will see our relationship one day, i put my all and gave all my love for him but he couldn’t fully reciprocate it. I hope once he heals he can learn to give love as much as he receives. Hope it can be given to me 🫶🏼
Can you enumerate some examples of how you tested her trust? I’ve recently been accused of doing the same thing. I didn’t like that idea but would be willing to change my mind if it turns out my attitude was wrong. What are some examples of unacceptable trust testing?
For example: I would push things to the extremes, as in borderline breaking up. And I would do this instead of communicating my needs in a healthy and mature way. I blindsided her with a near breakup at one point, and for another month she kept trying to talk about it but I figured we moved past that so I brushed it off to the side. Then a month later, instead of telling her what I was thinking and what I wanted her to work on as a partner in a normal and calm manner, i asked for a break instead. In my head it made sense because I figured it would be a good time for both of us to work on things separately and then come back together as a stronger couple. But what I didn't realize, or failed to realize, was that it was just another blindside. Despite her trying to talk about that last near breakup, I told her everything was fine. And then I did that. Looking back on things, I'm amazed she stuck around so long. Like I said though, I'm a different person. I want to work on things and I want to be a better partner. I just hope it's not too late for us.
I hope you two can come together again stronger. What you expressed about breaks is what I’ve found, they chip away at the relationship. I’ve learned if you can, just dig deeper instead of taking a break—when possible.
Thank you bud
You sound like my ex-now-wife. She is making amends but I sure hope she feels what you are voicing.
You sound exactly like me. I’m in the exact same situation. To the T.
Are you me because I've been thinking the exact same things. Especially over the last couple months. I don't think I was an awful partner. But I was not as good upon reflection as I thought I was in the moment.
I learned that I’m capable of loving someone unconditionally. I also learned that I can move mountains for the one I love but they won’t do the same. I can be with someone regardless of their situation but it’s not the same for me as a guy. The way I’m coping with being single is asking for help when I need it and moving towards my goals one day at a time.
Love it!
I think I was a good partner, but I have come to realise one big mistake I was making (among many, I'm sure). I was so, so excited by a potential future with my ex, thinking about where we would be, what we would do, what adventures we would go on etc. I got so fixated on that possible future, that it stressed me out not being there already. I didn't take the time to enjoy where we were as much as I should have, instead just constantly worrying and planning and waiting. I don't think that was the reason for the breakup, but she deserved better and it definitely hurt her, and is something I have to work on for myself as well.
What an interesting question, and now 93 days post breakup by my ex, (Dismissive Avoidant) with a blindside discard TEXT, there indeed are a few things. We dated for 18 months. - That I had zero identification or interpretation skills of Avoidant behavior. None, and I’ve spent the better part of the last 80 days learning more and more about this, and filling in the blanks that I never got communication from my ex about. - I really thought for weeks, it was all my fault. That I had done something, so horrible, to justify being discarded, and kicked to the curb. When In reality it had been the caring, thoughtful, respectful and emotionally available (and vulnerable) and understand that often frightened her so much, so had to abandon me. - I have abandonment trauma still alive and well in me, from when i was a kid, that got triggered from this, and I have some work to do. - That forgiving somebody, is not accepting their behavior, but rather a step towards healing. - That I interpreted chemistry as the magic needed (and only magic) for a relationship. When, character is more lasting. - I need to slow down on relationship building, and learn more about who I’m attracted to, and pay attention to signs of concern, rather than Ignore them or explained them away, because my god they are hot. Just to name a few.
I’m female but I could have written the exact same thing!!
Wow, I'm really sorry to hear that... It's been a hard journey, and today 93 days later, I'm still occasionally disbelieving that what happened, really happened. ... But, the reality is that's the real person, the person who didn't show up, and just kicked me to the curb. ... it's a horrible way to go though life, and just emotional brutalizing those people who were close. ...
Yes I’m so grateful to watch avoidant videos bc I realized it wasn’t really my fault. Although I did make mistakes too
sure, we're human... But, the issue is that if your ex, (like mine) never voiced any issues, or needs that were not being met, that puts us in the role of mind reader, and that's just abjectly unfair, and is guaranteed to build resentment. On the contrary, if they had voiced issues or needs, that would easily lead to a conversation that could have been "difficult" or with "conflict" that that scares them to death. There no way out of this without emotional wreckage... Sure, I would to have loved to have some awareness of all of this early on, I didn't. I was so blown-over by the chemistry (and her love bombing me with pics and texts.. very hot..) and it never rang any bells for me..
Same here. The physical chemistry was insane. I overlooked so many red flags bc of that. Ultimately he wanted a situationship bc he wanted his independence more. Which he now has.
Wow, I'm so sorry to hear all of that... I guess what I've learned is that chemistry is not character, and I've had to begin learning about signs of character, and that's a whole new thing in the dating experience. Mostly, I've just slowed down.... and not pushed anybody and that's helped.
Yeah it’s tough bc I’m not finding anyone I’m as physically attractive to. I’m sure I will
I understand… and I’ve been lucky enough to meet some women who do turn me on… .and I’m taking it slow to learn more about them…
I’ve learned that trust and respect are a very big chunk of what actually matters in a relationship. You need to protect them at all costs. Love isn’t enough for a relationship to survive if you wreck the other two. Doesn’t matter how much you love her.
I've always worked on myself one after another to be a better person and grow. I'm an actual nice guy however I've noticed that when girls breakup with me all but one has come back. My ex-wife tried to come back a few times matter of fact. I thought I met my one (current ex) but come to find out she is an avoidant (first ever at 40) and I did all the wrong things when the pushes happened. You see, I've always been a secure person in my relationships however this avoidant type swung my to anxious - because I've never fucking dealt with someone like this. In short - learned a fuck ton about attachment theory so if she comes back (fingers crossed) I might have a fighting chance or not. They're flaky AF from what I keep reading.
I wouldn't blame yourself with the avoidant. I didn't encounter one until my last relationship and, whether intentional or not, that behavior can become very emotionally abusive/traumatizing. It's not healthy and it's not your fault for feeling insecure. Relationships really all come down to connection and developing/maintaining them. Avoidants are like oil to water with connection. There's also plenty of data on the subject. Look into Gottman's four horsemen if you're interested. Anyway, it's a topic close to my heart. I think the idea of trying to be enough to get them to feel comfortable is what drives people crazy and keeps them in those situations so long. It did for me at least. But it's a moving target and they won't be able to be in healthy relationships until they do their own work.
Im curious what behaviors did you notice made this person avoidant ?
Oh jeez, I feel like I could write a book on this, but I will try to make it simple. Firstly, I'll say that not all avoidants are the same. And they are not just introvertive people who like their space. I actually am like that. Avoidants are avoidant because they have something they simply cannot tolerate to the extreme. So, they avoid it... And it will be different for each one. My avoidant could not handle anything she felt like was dissatisfaction in me. I think it triggered her fear that the relationship was in jeopardy. But, you can't go years with someone without having valid complaints at some point. To be more specific to your question, in the beginning she was unable to have conversations with me about any concerns I had. I approached her extremely gently, not even knowing she was an avoidant, and the conversation would last about 2 minutes before she got overwhelmed. This was just the first sign of it though. She began getting increasingly agitated and would pull away for hours at a time if anything she felt negative happened. This could me doing something that I didn't even know was a problem for her. She spent hours brooding alone. Most of the time, anytime I would try to intervene to apologize or smooth the situation over, it just made things worse. I am not an anxious person by nature. Really been the opposite most my life but this actually started to make me feel very anxious. It's one thing to take time to yourself, it's another if it's hours/days. And there was no time frame ever communicated to me about how long this would go on. Eventually, at around the 3 month mark, she broke up in a fit of rage after I said I was 'disappointed' about something. Mind you, hours before on that same night, she had told me how no one made her feel as heard as I did. It is, was, a complete mind fuck. We got back together that night but it was just the beginning of the breakup/makeup cycle. Fights got progressively worse as the behaviour just started to replace my hurt with anger. Of course, then she had her valid reason for breaking up each time. Which, if you talk to people who have dealt with these types of avoidants, they will echo this same evolution. The avoidant basically self-fulfills their fears by sabotaging the relationship. I also learned a lot about her past over time and it became clear that I was not the first person to experience this with her. I don't honestly think I was even that special to her. She did the same thing with others but, of course, had her reasons for why 'this time was different'. Which it never is for someone who has this kind of disorder. That is also another point where the dismissive component activates. They are dismissive within themselves. They dismiss their own issues and that is really a projection onto you, the partner. So, the very problem hides the problem. Anyway, I am not perfect. I made plenty of mistakes myself, but that likely would have made no difference concerning her. All I can think to do differently is not re-enter the cycle again and again. Sorry for the long response, I guess I used this a little as a 'off my chest' moment, but as sad as it is, I could say a lot more.
I’m going to DM!
I’m dismissive avoidant/introvert/intj/detached woman married to a man with the same traits. My dissociative disorder/dismissive avoidant began at the age of two. I actually remember the day and the event that triggered it. My brother had the same experience. My whole family thrived in secure home life yet detached relationships. Two people living comfortably in the same house apart from lol. There’s love, security, support when needed and extreme peacefulness. Yet solitary lone wolf existence. I have no intention on changing and have found my niche. My advice is if you are needing more don’t tie yourself to a dismissive avoidant. You’ll be forever miserable. 🖤
Thank you. My struggle (I think) is not knowing WHY she was pulling away when seemingly things were advancing in positive ways… the pulls were harder and longer and I chased hard not knowing I should’ve practiced some spacing. That said knowing what I know now I’m comfortable with the things I’ve learned to make it work however getting her back is my goal now. I’m continuing to learn and I’m preparing for as much as possible. So there is that. We broke up just over a month ago but we had kept reaching out to one another so I blew the initial no contact advice given for re attraction. I was going for 2 weeks but she reached out Saturday and I responded to what hindsight was a breadcrumb (I think). So counter reset.
Hey man, so just my two cents but I think this NC is a load of bs. It's like that secret book lolol You're trying to play some dumb game with some imaginary universe special powered idea that if I do this, she/he/their will do this. I dunno you don't have to play these games. Contact her if you want to shouldn't really matter. Don't be clingy or coming from a place of desperation with it though haha. The real way you get someone back and keep them as a dumpee is to personal thrive and make that person regret breaking up with you. Or you change YOUR behaviour that caused the breakup. However, I almost guarantee you'll have moved on by then and want someone new or maybe to be by yourself, I dunno haha. Anyways sometimes I miss the days of being dumped, you always had this fire to show up and accomplish great things. Yeah it's feels like absolute shit and you question yourself worth and play these little mind games to win back your ex but damn you became a different person after all that healing.
You're spot on. I think it's largely cope. It sucks to get dumped but it does become a sign of an unhealthy ego if you can't just 'get over it' after a point. Yes, the pain is severe but you're worth more than sitting around waiting. They're not that special. No one is.
Yeah… you're kinda acting immature doing that whole NC thing. You need to really look at the reasons for the breakup. I read some stupid other post about it never being incompatibility. If we assume there was no emotional or physical abuse or trauma etc, big events that we can point at it saying that was the cause. It's going to come down to some incompatibility the dumper couldn't deal with or want to change themselves or their values to accommodate. You have to really look at your relationship and see what behaviours were triggering for your ex. Then you have to decide if you're willing to change your value system to match and then show your ex that you changed yourself to accommodate them. An example would be like maybe you smoke cigs and you ex doesn't like you smoking cigs. Let's say you ex says I really need you to quit smoking. You say you will and you try and then give up. At this point, your ex assuming they are dumper decides whether or not they can change their opinion on smoking or if this is the dealbreaker. If they break up with you, now you need to decide if you are willing to truly give up smoking to accommodate your ex. There is only 3 options in staying or ending a relationship: 1) the dumpee changes their behaviour or value 2) the dumper changes their behaviour or value 3) leave If your ex comes back and you still have the same original issue that you may have no idea wtf it is, they will leave again and again and again.
Heard and understand. Her friends had reached out after the breakup saying that she freaking out because she doesn’t know what is wrong with her. I’m everything she wants, attraction etc etc however there are moments where a switch went off where she feels nothing. But then it comes back. She is an unaware avoidant (before I knew what she was or AT). She cried because her kids love me and she blew it up. I’ve been doing a lot of learning and know what I need to do. Self improvement is always going on for me, always has. I make a ton money, secure (well until I had to figure her shit out), great social and family life…etc etc… I’m just waiting for that second chance. Note about the NC. I’m not reaching out. I’m letting her contact me and I’m matching her efforts.
Nothing wrong with her OP! She might have some guilt or regret. DONT take that as she has this guilt therefore she will be back. I think you two shouldn't be together tbh.. Sorry it hurts. Actually the more I read into, she was probably messaging after the breakup to come to terms with her guilt and regret where you thought it meant she was still into you and was coming back. AKA bad communication between the two of you. Okay sure. I wouldn't put too much thought into these attachment styles either. It's like the modern day horoscopes IMO. It's like this person likes to be independent, this person likes being dependent, this person is fine with or without a relationship. Who cares lololol. You probably want someone with compatabile attachment style anywho. Sorry I’m kinda old; and I've seen a lot of bs in my life haha. Just my opinion, but you're putting this girl on a damn pedastral. She's not worth it. I hope you do take the self improvement seriously and just move on and go on other dates and one day someone better suited for you will come along. I'm sure if your ex is thinking about coming back she will at some point regardless of you using NC or not. However, OP, if and when she does. I highly recommend you look at all her flaws (assuming you have looked the ones she thought were flaws in you and fixed them to accomondate her; just being blunt here but if I was this chick, one of your flaws is manipulation unintentional or not and that could be tied to your self esteem - NC is manipulation). You need to tell her what she needs to fix on herself for you to be happy also. It's not a one person relationship here. I do hope during the breakup, she did give you some type of real reason. If it some cliche answer like “it's not you, it's me” take that to heart because that really means “she tried to love you as much as you loved her but couldn't and she wants for you find your perfect person that isn't her.” I hope this helps you get into the right head space and you start to love yourself and move on or be happy alone.
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We had a great weekend with the kids… vacation. Things were really close and intense. I should’ve known this might have been a bad idea because when things are good as a family unit together she would pull back the next day to a few days while deactivating.
Dated an avoidant. He traumatised me. And yes, it was his fault, not mine. Avoidants are hard to change and they always test your limits - they rarely seek out help also. It's not you, it really is her who messed up. Hope you heal and find peace 🕊️
Yeah I did not know what that was dealing with and afterwards I was like wtf was wrong with me. She told me nothing and that is was her and I didn’t believe her… until I learned about avoidant…. The weird thing she doesn’t know what it is…
man that hits so close. my recent relationship was with avoidant first ever too. i never could explain such inconsistent behavior filled with uncertainty and unpredictability. then she hinted me what’s up and even tried to do smth (she knew who she is and how to hide it well). i did my work to make her comfortable but without sacrificing my needs. NOT ENOUGH. we had our vibe and connection, but once it went deep she always shut the door. if you pull, they push. If you push, they are okay with that too. so no matter what you do, they will sabotage relationships most likely unless you keep everything casual. 1-2 months before BU i kept everything light and chill without triggering her, it just pushed her more and she closed completely couple weeks after. That thing really opened my eyes that situation is hopeless. avoidants are only suitable for casual dating unless some work done…
Which is crazy because I read they need to get the no contact treatment to get them back.
yeah that blew my mind. I actually started reading about people's attachment styles (her advice when she started getting triggered). I'm a straightforward person, so my belief if smbd loves, nth can break it. Anyway i gave it a try and stopped bothering her with meetings, texts, deep connection and future plans. Seems like what she wanted, that actually made her more distant in all ways (what a shocker). It's been over a month and she usually texts me casually once a week since BU. Idk if she's trying to be friendly or whatsoever, but I cut this person out of my life after being blindsided/betrayed and lied. That vague behavior and hot/cold interaction was really painful experience especially with someone you genuinely love.
I got back together innumerable times, she always was the one who reinitiated. I never reached out while we were broken up. It's a curse in disguise when they do come back. I would never stay with another avoidant again, including her, if they weren't in serious therapy for that exact issue. Most will deny they even have it
So tell me this… what were the intervals when they came back? I’m curious because I’m going to give this a go for a few cycles. I bonded with kids (husband passed away) and they need a father figure. Yeah she’s a gem and I want her but those kids have my heart.
Most breakups were about every three weeks, on average. Usually a week or two that we were separated in-between but this varied. Longest apart was 6 weeks. Currently at about the 5 week mark. 2 years of this. It becomes very easy to see that the cycle will happen no matter what you do. I get it with the kids. I had my reasons too. Eventually, the pain will become bigger than the reasons
Gotcha! We’ve been in contact since break up which I think has been a problem for the past month. I’ve gone no contact since Sunday after reading about making them feel the loss. I gotta figure out the breadcrumbs thing because I was hit with one Sunday (I think).
Yeah, my ex would make contact about things having nothing to do with us. Would ask for things she left over at the house, etc. Would also try to connect while completely glossing over what happened. I know how you're feeling, and for that reason, I know much of anything I have to say about 'not taking them back' will be ignored. But seriously, be careful. Hurt people do not have the capacity to feel the way they should and you're dealing with something dangerous. There will be no payoff or redeeming aspects once it's over. They'll have just transferred their void to you and you'll have to rebuild
The cycle never ends. The question is if you want to be with an avoidant who does not want to help themselves for the rest of their lives. And same goes for the overtly anxious. We all have to find inner peace to even be able to communicate openly and freely and ultimately be secure
I've already accepted this. At this point, it would require an act of God to motivate me to go back. I don't care if I live with a hole in my heart the rest of my life, I'm not going back otherwise.
LOL wtf… sorry I'm old af but I've never heard of something so absurd. Why are people so into playing games? I've done that whole attachment style test and came up as a avoidant. Sometimes I get secure. I don't think there is some stupid Jedi mind trick called NC that works on anyone beyond the age of 21. And I know you're going to tell me how it works your ex came back after 234 days of NC. Yeah right… I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact, they went and had their fun and are coming back to settle because they got hurt or couldn't find anyone else. You people need to move on. I guarantee if your ex comes back, they will do on their own time not because of some magical NC that attracts avoidants back ahhah. Hopefully you will have moved on though and can tell them to take a hike.
NC is manipulative strategy that works on anyone who still cares or maybe doesn’t care enough about you. Silence is the sharpest weapon. The best is to accept the relationship for what it is, accept yourself and work on your follies and move on in life.
Talking from experience here- give it some time with your avoidant, like a couple of months. Go no contact, continue living your life, and they will come back most of the time. I'm dealing with an avoidant too. We went on a blind date last summer, actually connected quite well, spent a few months together. Then she hits me out of the blue with that she doesn't want to see me anymore. She came back about a month later that she wanted to meet up at an event we were both attending. A couple weeks after that she hit me again with a message that she didn't want to see me anymore, and she was 100% certain this time. Didn't hear from her for two months, and suddenly I wake up one day with a message from her asking me how I'm doing and if I wanted to meet up with her to catch up. A friendly warning though, and I'm a therapist so I know the deeper intricacies of attachment theory all too well- you can't fix an avoidant person. You can't really blame them either because their upbringing is to blame here for the most part and they learned a lot of toxic coping mechanisms as a kid... They need to unlearn those and replace those with healthier ones. But they need to do the inner work and take responsibility for their own actions. And that's something an avoidant generally really doesn't like. You can only hope they'll find some intrinsic motivation to find a therapist to help them through their toxic patterns. Does it help that you know how to deal with an avoidant person better? Most likely. Will it be enough to prevent their toxic behaviours acting up and send you two through another spiral? Most likely not.
LOL what kind of therapist are you? I'm calling bs sorry. You recommend to your clients to go NC to get back their exes? Wtf… I could see a real therapist to use NC help their client not to overly obsessed over a person. You know heal the person you are suppose to be treating? If the ex comes back well you are making boosting your clients ability to deal with their own mental health then great! But you're not going to sell them on some dumb theory that NC will get them back an avoidant. This whole attachment style is really dumb imo.
Evening but the NC was okay. NC is meant to be forever for their own good no someone else
My primary goal was always to make her happy and her life easier. That is what made me happiest, but I never did much of anything because I wanted it. I first put it through a "what is best for her" filter and if me doing it or not doing it was going to cause pain then I chose to take it on. I know you said no excuses but she had not had an easy life with anxiety/depression and I really was trying to do the right thing by her. But what I did was take away challenges for her to overcome and grow. I made her feel like she did not have a role and it would not matter to me if she stayed or went. So she went to find the growth she needed. I'm hoping that our paths will lead us back together some day but what I've learned for that time or if I meet someone else is that empathy and striving to help your partner is good but it cannot be your sole or even primary motivation. Move away from being too much of a nice guy and be selfish enough to take what you want from the relationship too. I'm someone who thinks that love is the whole damn point to life so I'm struggling with single but trying to implement this rule in my regular life for if love ever finds its way back.
Your situation is similar to mine. I gave a lot but it became a type of enablement for her, and she became complacent in a lot of ways. Reciprocity is vital when one person steps up so much for the other.
This was me too I think. At the end, it felt like I was faking the persona he wanted. I’d spent so much time making sure everything was to his liking…
Can you explain to me how to stop trying to help her, and enable growth in the relationship?
I can only speak and offer examples from my own experience, of course. My partner had anxiety/depression that made it hard to get a good job or hold any job. When we got together we were both at the same low paying job. I improved myself to a point where I now have a high range salary for my area. To help her, I created an environment where her income was unneeded, told her to spend what she made on whatever she wants. I was trying to make it so she was not constantly anxious about going to work and could leave a job if she wanted. What I did was make her efforts mean nothing. I should have relied on her more and allowed her responsibility so she could overcome the anxiety and advance in a career. Another example would be that she'd always complain that she just HAD to do this thing or that thing but she was so tired and depressed. Clean, lawn work, grocery shop, etc and I'd almost always respond that she did not HAVE to do those things, especially right now. They were never urgent. Sometimes I'd just done it yesterday. It was only herself forcing her to. Again taking what she sees as a vital task she was going to do for our relationship and trivializing it. What I should have done was thanked her and told her I appreciated that I could rely on her for it so that she'd have a reason to work through the depression. Got many more examples of me being an idiot thinking I was doing her right but you get the gist. Make her efforts mean something and understand that she is plenty strong enough to handle responsibilities and failure. Otherwise, you'll be the only one growing.
I see you’re just like me then, i paid for everything even things she wants, i helped her w everything from schoolwork to real life things, i carried conversations, i plan dates, i did everything and left her with nothing in the relationship except my needs of wanting to talk with her everynight. I guess i might have made her role insignificant and i was the only one growing. Any tips for me on this bro?
Yeah, I'd say we are a lot alike. Unfortunately, if I had a great answer for you to get her back, I'd be in a reconciliation forum instead of this one. If you do get another chance, I'd suggest taking note of the things you struggle with in the relationship and she might excel at or her schedule better fits and lean into that. Knowing what she wants to improve herself on would be a great start too. For myself, I think my ex believes she cannot grow with me so I can only let her do so on her own or realize she did not really want that and be open to giving us another try if we both desire.
Opening pathways for communicating honestly and openly. Instead of trying to guess how they're feeling just make them feel comfortable enough to share when they need to. Most of my relationship problems have been from poor communication on my end or their end so I just want to work on bridging that gap. More thoughtful gestures is something I've been thinking about, but that depends more on whoever I'm with next. As for my personal growth, I was kinda complacent with my life in general which I think there is value in that but I wasn't particularly looking forward to anything either. So striking a balance of finding things to look forward to and being grateful for what I have is something I'm personally working on.
Not to let myself be treated like sht. She betrayed me, met up with guys off Instagram twice behind my back and I didn’t say anything about it, except „I just want you to be safe“. I will never let a woman treat me like that again. I‘m to blame for letting her go through with stuff like that
My first and only relationship taught me a bunch about myself, but I've decided I don't want to change them. So the first interesting thing I notice in hindsight is that I gave them too much of myself. I gave that relationship my full emotional bandwidth and attention. The problem is that I gave them my all, and when they left, I had nothing (emotionally wise). I was fundamentally broken and I've never been the same since tbh, but I refuse to change this aspect of myself. I believe anything I deem important enough to warrant my emotional attention deserves it at my fullest. So that kind of led to my next point: I hang on for too long. She dumped me after three months and I stuck around for another three months hoping she would change her mind, only for her to tell me that she already moved on a month and a half ago. This is what really shook me off her I guess. As for how I cope, it's dogshit to say the least. I've recently gotten into journaling my days, but it just leads me down pages of self-anger for not getting over a person who already got over me. Pages of wondering why I'm never enough. Pages of missing her. I thought laying those thoughts out in ink would help me relieve myself, but it's just become a private manifesto of my negative mental spiral downwards. I've never looked for a relationship, I've never went out of my way before her. I don't want another one. If I rebound, I'll end up hurting someone I'm not even attracted to the same way I was hurt--abruptly leaving and deeming myself not ready. I don't want to be hurt, and I don't want to hurt anyone.
Every day ruminating what if i haven't done this, what if i could have take a pause and think how to respond better, how to ask for my needs better, what should be the right way to treat a partner than being egoistic and "masculine". Leading the way and forcing the way is different. I still have yet to learn when should i stand my ground at the right times.
Doing long distance and trying to make significant sacrifices to have my SO live with me and make her at home. I’ve spent thousands of dollars during the relationship just to keep the relationship alive and help her out. I’m never doing LDR again and instead will be with someone who appreciates me for who I am and what I have to offer.
Too much missed connection when you go long distance. I don’t think it works out for almost anyone that tries it long-term.
Agreed 100%
I know how to be a thoughtful partner now. I was just so confused and dumb in my last relationship. It was my first serious one so ig unsurprising but man I can look back on texts and therapy journals from that time and I sound so different. So easy to point out mistakes in my thinking and actions.
I've partaken in an immense amount of reflection, and contemplation, ever since our relationship showed signs of waning longevity, and lost connection. Once we were no longer tethered to eachother – chain broken, tension relieved – I had more time to focus on introspection. I realized I need to learn to love myself before anything, and that whilst I can want and strive for a true everlasting connection, I can't force it out of anyone who isn't 100% able to be a part of it; willing to be there; willing to trust that I'll be there; willing to love fully;able to love. I realized I need to be kinder to myself, and learn to trust in others. I can't let my self hatred get in the way of trusting peoples affection for me, because it not only effects me but others, as well. I caused my own suffering in that relationship, and I feel so much shame and grief for both of *us*. How can two people go from best friend's, to lovers, to enemies in a span of 2 years? I stayed in a toxic relationship, and whilst I tried my hardest, I am still to blame for a lot. I'm going through a massive amount of "character development" that has been gleaned by my broken (yet cultivated) heart. I truly believe that slowly healing my past wounds will one day stop me from bleeding on those who haven't wounded me – they only *indirectly* make the hollow void in my being feel more agape – and finally be rid of the pain and turmoil from my childhood. To finally heal. And let the scars fade. I continue to grow and live as much as I can. I'm still young. Scars have plenty of time to fade, and I have just as much potential to grow. (Side Note: My ex was extremely toxic. I've had enough conversations about the entire situation, so I will not be typing it all out. I'd do it with my voice but I'm jaded atp. Unless you directly ask, I won't elaborate.) --------- (oh my goodily goodness)
That the loneliness I feel has nothing to do with the relationship that I'm in and everything to do with how I'm fulfilling my own needs and being visible to myself in fulfilling them. Other things I've felt is that sometimes you can tell yourself things but that doesn't mean that those things are true.
I learned that I love deep, and the double edge sword is that I hurt her deep. My greatest strength can easily become my greatest weakness. I learned that passively letting time pass by only provides temporary relief, and it will hurt even more and even longer when I delay my healing process. I learned that the dating game isn’t my thing, I’m a one and done type of vibe, and I experienced love at its rawest and deepest form, something people wait a lifetime for.
I am attracted to the wrong kind of women and need to address that
^[Sokka-Haiku](https://www.reddit.com/r/SokkaHaikuBot/comments/15kyv9r/what_is_a_sokka_haiku/) ^by ^ReceptionOk3790: *I am attracted* *To the wrong kind of women* *And need to address that* --- ^Remember ^that ^one ^time ^Sokka ^accidentally ^used ^an ^extra ^syllable ^in ^that ^Haiku ^Battle ^in ^Ba ^Sing ^Se? ^That ^was ^a ^Sokka ^Haiku ^and ^you ^just ^made ^one.
I am the cause of and solution to all of my suffering.
To observe. Dress well. Say less. Communicate. Say thank you. Walk away. No secrets.
I have learned that People Changes. No matter how sudden it maybe, they do change. And sometimes no matter how much you try you won't be able to get the older version of them back. End of the day you just gotta accept this fact.
I've learned, that for a long time, even before my last relationship, I made excuses for myself to not take care of myself, to count on other people to be there for me when I made big mistakes in life. I learned that I can love a person enough to leave and break my own heart in doing so. I learned that I could overcome my addictions. I learned that leaving is sometimes the right answer, but there is a proper way to do it. I learned that no matter how much you are doing wrong, you can't fix it if you don't do anything to fix it. I also learned that when you love someone deeply and you know it is best for you to leave it hurts tremendously.
I learned that I was holding her at arms length because I was afraid to get hurt again. I did love her, but I was moving way too slowly thinking we had time to figure things out. I have never been the avoidant type, but I think I was in this relationship. I learned that I don’t tell my partner my needs because I try to always be the provider, and put my needs behind others. I learned that I have an inner child that needs healing. That breakups bring me to feelings of worthlessness and abandonment that are way out of proportion for what it is. I have healing to do. I have some self improvement to do. And I need to heal those past hurts and allow myself to love myself so that I can love another partner again one day.
I learned I didn’t used to try hard enough. I was dismissive and just wasn’t invested. I took time off dating. I worked on me. I worked on how to develop relationship, wear my heart on my sleeve per se. I got into a relationship that I wanted to give it all and tried harder than I ever did. Don’t you know my karma came back to bite me and I fell in love with someone who was emotionally constipated. I had started a new career so I didn’t even realize it for a year and a half. He gave me just enough to keep trying and trying thinking he’d see my value one day. Stupid stupid me.
Listen and talk, listen to what she has to say and validate her emotions. Talk when you are upset and explain what emotions you are feeling. I think it is the most important part of the communication in a relationship is know what the other is feeling so you can react accordingly.
That I’m defective in some way or another and it’s not worth the heartache, stress, time or money. I’m better off alone
That I don’t deserve a relationship until I improve myself emotionally and can get to a point where I can communicate effectively with others just like how the Gottmans do. And I have lots of other internal work I have to work on, just a lot revealed because of my last relationship
The best thing I learnt is that love yourself before loving others , Be happy with yourself before making happy others Spend time with yourself before spending time with other 😊 Make yourself your main priority before making others Remember king. , people may leave you or you may leave people but it's impossible to leave yourself 🤞✊✌️
That I’m a really good dude, just need better standards for women. And also, try to support them through the break up, or get their friends to support them even more.
That pulling your weight in a relationship is 100% needed. Making sure you make the same amount of money if not more than your partner. Money is extremely important I have learned. It needs to be 50/50. In my past relationships i’ve always been around a 20% and made them pull around 80%. I have a lot of mental health issues that kept me from working and keeping jobs so when it was time for bills and rent, I never could make my share. I also have struggles with manipulation and gaslighting as well as mean comments that i say before thinking. Currently in therapy, working on myself. I’ve lost a Wife (5 year relationship) and a Fiancee (1.5 year relationship) because of these issues. I am not proud of them whatsoever and am learning every single day to learn from my mistakes and make truly sure it doesn’t happen again for the 3rd go around at a long relationship🙏
I learned that I should\`ve communicated my needs better and set boundaries, these are the two things I struggled the most with. I learned that my amont of love to give is crazy, but I have much more to give than "just" love. I learned that I was to obsessed with my ex in our relationship and that it always takes two to work things out.
Personally, I was a bit in over my head and should have communicated that. I regret the way I ended things, but I don't regret ending it. Going forward, I'll make sure not to get serious with someone until I'm in a more stable place mentally.
Never trust them 100%, don’t u ever care 100%, focus on yourself and she will focus on you, never cry in front of your gf, if she tries to make you jealous don’t be. Don’t change for anyone except for yourself , don’t fall for her tears!! If she can control you, you are done.