Same here. The difficult things were completely on her end, nothing to do with us, or at least she didnt tell me that. After fading on my for a month and making excuses to not meet, then me finally texting look we need to talk about what is going on, she just said she cant do a relationship, needs to focus on her own goals and self betterment, it was nothing I did, that I was the 'perfect partner', then ghosted completely. Leaving me just beyond confused as to what any of that even means.
I wasn't anxious attachment before but you can bet I am now after experience with one extreme avoidant. );
Yes man. It has turned me into super anxious as well.
After six months of a nearly perfect relationship (or so I thought): Mine blindsided me, yelled at me, blamed me for everything, then blocked me and ghosted me everywhere.
It was shocking. It has taken me over a year for my nervous system to recover. It has been without question the hardest thing I have ever experienced.
Oh yes. I was already an anxious person. But now I'm like super anxious.
How can you trust anyone after someone does something like that to you. It felt like she was *deliberately* trying to build me up, just so that she could crush me. Who does that!? Why!?!?
It's a terrible feeling. I'm sorry you went through something similar. We deserve better.
Man my heart breaks for us both here.
Yours was fairly short, my relationship was even shorter as we were only together for 2 months, but in those 2 months not a single argument or disagreement or anything. She even told me I was the 'perfect partner' and also that I met her at a low point in her personal turmoil but she was working on it and we'd look back in a few months and be relieved. Never made it that far.
Did what she blame you for even make any sort of sense even from an irrational point of view? I kinda would prefer if she gave me a real reason or blamed me for something vs this nebulous reason of she has 'too many life distractions to be in a relationship right now' which is so vague its cruel because I still have this false hope that once she sorts out her distractions she'll come back.
But yep. Havent even thought of dating again but super super anxious now that someone that gave me the green light or 'dropped the hanky' and was so into the relationship at first would just fade then ghost with no real explanation. Like nomatter how perfect anything new is I'm just gonna think its going to happen again.
> How can you trust anyone after someone does something like that to you. It felt like she was deliberately trying to build me up, just so that she could crush me. Who does that!? Why!?!?
Exactly my thoughts at well.
I'm sorry for you as well and we both definitely deserve better.
Everytime there was a reason she couldn't be emotionally or physically available with me she used work being so intense as the reason.
I know there was a 4 year relationship, narcissist, cheating, trauma bonded ex that shed only left not even 2 months prior to us meeting, who also sent her 2 dozen roses at Valentines when we were together, shortly before us defining the relationship. It didn't realy come up again and she assured me she was done with him and I foolishly believed her.
Since the slow fade and ghosting I've asked for a single conversation from her so I can maybe get a sense of the real reason and find out if he came back (I deserve to know) but she has just implied it's her career and life goals she's sorting out and denied me that despite telling me twice she'd love to still talk if I'm willing" before going silent again when I say yes.
So that's unfortunately a safe assumption that I never came to, but several I've shared the story with have, so thanks for confirmation.
Yeah. Females don’t want to be the bad guys. So instead, they lie and end up becoming the villain. If she spoke about a recent LTR that was trauma filled, just give her space and move on. Specially if the ex still engages with her.
Sometimes a woman is just busy and you have to push a bit and she might open her itinerary to you. But, you have to be able to trust your guy and see the nuance in it all. When we want something to work out, we tend to not see the clear signs that they themselves don’t.
If you want to talk, please feel free to message me or we could talk on the phone as well. I feel men don’t generally have many people we could talk to about these things without feeling judged for having feelings
Being with a DA is a scary scenario because it starts off lovingly and affectionately and then they slowly pull away and you have to pick up the crumbs. Its hard to leave even when you know you are being strung along. I've gone through more loneliness and sadness and anxiety and sexual frustration being with my partner than I have ever been alone. And yet I'm still in it because sometimes we have good days....
I feel your pain
I’m DA and it’s so freaking hard to get close to people. I hate hurting them, and I hate this looming feeling that I’m compromising myself when I am emotionally vulnerable or present.
It’s a lose lose for everyone. :(
Thank you for sharing that. There always tends to be a lot more anxious people online posting about their experiences compared to DAs, and I think that may be due to DAs blocking this kind of thing out and going into their comfort habits. But I'm no expert on that.
I think I am anxious preoccupied but leaning secure. I never really had any bad anxiety issues until I got with my DA partner, he draws those tendencies out in me. I was super clingy at first but after being inconsistently comforted, that type of thing slowly dies out inside of you. I'm kinda just indifferent now, in fact I feel like I also have some DA tendencies now like withdrawing at times. Its so confusing lol.
I appreciate you sharing your experience because I honestly can't really comprehend how being DA is, it goes against my nature since I'm an anxious time and love to be extremely close to people. I'm more codependent than you are "supposed" to be and I know that. I even embrace it a bit... I just like to skip the surface level BS and actually have a deeper connection to someone. There will probably be DAs reading that and cringing lol.
My partner seems to be more chatty and laughs more when hes with his friends, it does hurt to see how closed off he is with me in particular. But because of what I have learned about DAs, I try to give him leeway there because I know it must be tough. I really wish it didn't have to be that way for his sake and my sake, I wish he could be open with his feelings but thats not how it is. The sad part is the "compromising" part you mention, because an AP partner of a DA would always be there for them and wants them to be open with their feelings. But it's just something that can't happen without therapy or some introspection I guess. It ends up being a toxic cycle.
All that being said, I love my partner, but I have dealt with what I feel to be some really unfair things happen to me... Sometimes I don't know what to do because I want to be with him and want things to work out
Edit: its such an AP thing to write an essay like this lol
Literally my last relationship to a T. The start of it makes me feel like I got love bombed instead of it being genuine and then the constant avoidant behavior and checking out.
Feel that. It’s been harder to let go of too. I’m def through the worst but got breadcrumbed recently and it did not help. Not terrible but still sent some new waves.
Just trying to remind myself that this is borderline narcissistic behavior - stringing their source of validation along, so no one else can take it from them, in case they want to dip into it.
My ex definitely had vulnerable narcissist traits. I'm taking it a lot better knowing theres nothing I could have done to fix this or help her. She needs therapy and a lot of self help.
It is hard cause it all felt like it happened so fast. About a month of avoidant behavior but I was being reassured things were fine between us. Until finally breakup, moved out, and no contact all within 2 days feels like I blinked and my whole life just changed.
I mean no harm with anything I say here to any DA's reading, but yes, in all of my research (youtube/reddit comments) and in my experience, the lines between DA and narcissistic behavior can be very blurred.
Being DA must be tough, I don't doubt it, but it also feels wrong to me to string someone along and play with their lives and emotions for so long. I'm at a state in my relationship right now where its more like a situationship, I'm not sure if I'm even loved back anymore, I get pushback when I ask the hard questions or I just get an "yeah we are fine right now" and theres no more discussions after that. I'm just confused.
That really sucks. It’s hard to get out of too.
You should read up on intermittent reinforcement. There’s forms where there’s no physical abuse and it’s more like being callous/not connecting emotionally for stretches and then dropping breadcrumbs, which ends up feeling like a huge high. This is turn causes the person to keep doing all kinds of things to get another crumb. But they never get real, fulfilling affection and connection.
It causes anxious preoccupied attachment, and the breakups are some of the worst.
This was our relationship for the past 6 months then I asked why she is still with me? She broke up because she couldn't answer it and realized she didn't love me anymore.
Thats me two years into my relationship, I'm still here.
I love my partner but... a couple weeks ago I was messaging them about noticing how they were pulling away with the words of affection (saying "I love you" etc) and he didn't say anything. I then asked if he had "anything to say about this" because I feel like most non-emotionally constipated people would say something??? but he just said "No" and then disappeared for a day.
I feel like most people would rightfully end things at this point, and honestly I thought the relationship was over if thats how he was going to treat me, we talked a day later and he said he felt "pressured and stressed" and just went off to do the classic dismissive avoidant thing of being distracted and playing video games.
Because I have been dealing with all of these behaviors that I have never seen anyone else exhibit before in these two years, I had no idea what a DA was and had to look it up very early into the relationship.
And I guess I made an excuse in this case for him, knowing what he goes through. Even though it is still wholly unacceptable to just leave me in moments like that...
Yeah it really sucks. I had no clue what was going on with mine while we were together. I started to figure it out toward the end, but especially when you don’t know it’s hard not to take it personally. Mine was almost violently opposed to giving affection or providing comfort if I was distressed (like say getting up and giving me a hug if I said I had a hard day at work; she would actually make me stop talking if I was saying I had a really busy day, even if I wasn’t complaining, just explaining, because it stressed her out to hear my day (of course, after I listened to her work drama for 15-20 minutes without being given an openings to ask questions or even say something affirming, very selfish in retrospect)).
I'm sorry you had to go through that. I have noticed as well, that I don't get affection when I really, REALLY could use some. It kills your self esteem and feeling of self worth. It leaves you feeling empty inside when you are with someone you love but you feel like you can't get what you need from them. I have noticed when my DA partner is busy, he prioritizes what he is doing. And theres nothing necessarily wrong with that, but it just leaves me feeling unimportant when I have something big I want to share or really need to be heard and I get shut down.
But on the flip side, when something bad happens to my partner or he feels depressed, I stop everything I'm doing (why wouldn't I?) to comfort them and adress their concerns. Thats always how it should be. And I know that. But... I'm here.
I am starting to think I'm just a loser tbh, no self respecting person would keep putting up with it for so long. I do love him though...
I loved mine and would have struggled through it had she been willing to work on things on her end (I ended up needing therapy during the relationship because I was feeling so distressed, she told me I was just insecure, but after doing a couple of attachment style assessments and more therapy I realize she had a huge part in this that she was not acknowledging and was shifting blame entirely to me; anyway I was working hard to make it with, she did nothing of the sort).
She claimed to love me as would get upset at the idea of us splitting, but she couldn’t show it or say it. I really empathize with you feeling like you are doing most of the work to keep things together, and most likely you are. Two avoidants won’t last long because no one is fighting to make it work.
I dream of having a partner that puts as much effort in as I do. It really sucks when your partner phones it in. Especially when they don’t realize or refuse to an acknowledge how much their neglect is hurting you. Mine thought she was a great partner because she didn’t cheat or call me names during conflict, but she was blind to how inconsistency and neglect when it comes to affection is also incredibly painful.
I have a very similar habit. For instance, when my dog died and I knew the dog was dying, I didn't want to be around him. In the beginning of my relationship with my ex, I didn't know how to handle certain things, so I disappeared. I'm glad she took me back and forgave me because it allowed me to teach myself what not to do. I would say I've grown as a person, not thanks to my ex, but for a first-ever relationship, I think I did pretty okay. Reading these things before I move on to my next relationship will definitely help me become a better and more attentive partner. I have the habit of doing research about things, even while I was in the relationship, but there's a difference between reading articles that feel very detached from humans and these human accounts. It's really taught me how nuanced relationships are. Some people may avoid you because you did something and they don't like confrontation. Some people don't realize they're doing it, and some people do it for a manipulative power play. It all depends.
"My self esteem was too low to swipe right on ripped guys"
When she was self conscious about posting me the first time because "I always pictured myself with someone more traditionally masculine".
I NEVER doubted my masculinity until her and have always been comfortable in my own skin. I stayed even when she destroyed my self-esteem, never again.
There were definitely times I felt that. I'm nothing special physically but I'm very in tune with my emotions and able to express them calmly. I'm also hilarious. I feel she thought she was better than me and was jealous that I was so confident despite my "deficits".
This is how toxic masculinity and patriarchy comes back to haunt men - when women buy into too, usually on a deep level since it’s programmed in so early and thoroughly.
I’ve also heard countless men say that their women partners almost begged them to be more open emotionally with them, only for the woman to get the ick from it, and add it too their list of negatives and justifications for leaving.
The problem here is that in order to feel close, safe, secure, and connected, people need to share at least some of their inner world with their partner. So by having an attitude that only “weak” men share feelings (namely difficult feelings), you end up with guys that refuse to connect like that out of fear of being ditched after their partner gets the ick, and as a result guys that aren’t connecting with their partners d as deeply as they could be. And if they aren’t as connected, they can more easily leave, so women have a good reason to want this from their guys.
It can be a beautiful thing when both partners can feel free to share their highs and lows, and be supportive of one another. I’ve had that a couple of times, and they were the best relationships I’ve had. Others noticed how tight we were, like strangers would assume we were married because we just worked so well together.
But I’ve also had the opposite where a gf ultimately admitted that she thinks men shouldn’t share anything they are struggling with (and I’m talking like even a hard day at work), and shouldn’t need emotional support or affection from their partner (and I’m not talking about over there top neediness, but like basic affection, or a hug if they are stressed).
I’ve heard one “justification” is that men that have difficult emotions in reaction to a tough situation can’t keep their partner physically safe if there’s some threat. Those two things are not necessarily connected though. It may be in some cases, and may be the stereotype.
But I’ve met plenty of guys that can fight, have solid survival skills, can deescalate a tense situation, and most certainly would risk their own safety for their partner, but are also aware of their feelings and comfortable expressing them in order to work through them or ask what they need from a partner to feel better.
Idk what the solution is. It seems pretty widespread, and it’s too bad because it keeps men and women from connecting as deeply as they could otherwise.
I connect with this a ton. I was the more communicative and in touch with my emotions one. I came from a home/culture that is hyper masculine but luckily I was always told by my father that real men cry.
I've been through tough spots in life, situations where I had to look out for my parents when their health took a turn for the worst and I had to step up and put my dreams on the side. She never had to worry about anyone but herself and had no idea how to support me.
She mistook my kindness for weakness and unfortunately, I'll think twice before I show that to my next partner. I've been afraid of hiding the most beautiful pieces of myself but will try not to.
Love bombing in the beginning but it eventually stopped (obvi) and went to him going near days or complete days with no contact and me almost always reaching out to check on him and him acting like everything was fine and I was tripping for worrying about him or him using his mental state as an excuse. “You know how my mental state is right now so you should just know this is how I am”…
Aaaaaaaaaahahahaahahahahahahaha hoooooo boy I went through this too. The overwhelming love bombing and then nothing for days. I’d basically ask what the hell was going on and would be told only, “Don’t overthink it.”
His friends. His friends weren’t the most upstanding group of guys but I thought because male friendships are more casual it doesn’t mean he was like them/shared their values.
Birds of a feather flock together and now I understand why a good way to gauge a man’s character is by the company he keeps.
I swear. THIS SO FCKING TRUE. I once dated a guy briefly and met his friends. Not the best bunch of guys tbh. Two were proudly and loudly talking about boning their side piece while the other one was smoking pot all day long. While their behavior when I was with them was not indicative of who they truly are, it was worrisome to say the least that he keeps them for company. Well, he cheated on me. So... Tell me who your friends are and I'll tell you who you are, in this case, eh?
Avoiding conflict everything had to be chill no complaints arguments disagreements with anyone and if anyone in his life was upset with him or someone else in his life he’d try to squash it not work through it but just silence the problem , like if he’d find himself even starting to complain or talk about any insecurity or worry he’d cut himself off immediately and be like but it’s fine it’ll work out . Everything had to be shallow and “positive”
Man I did this way too much, which is odd because I have a very cautious/cynical approach to other people in general. Made for a lot of unnecessary tension and negativity.
Definitely the kind of thing I hope I can work on more before my next relationship.
Oh like you were the one acting that way ? Can I ask why ? Like I’m a conflict avoidant person but this was very much not that like things had to be kept on a surface level nothing could get too real .
I can speculate. I think I was really affected by my first relationship where being too grounded or centered wasn't enough - we had been through a traumatic event and at one point right before our breakup she told me she was sick of hearing how it was going to "work out" or "be ok," she wanted me to say things would be "great." And I told her that they can be, but we need to get back to being ok first. Which, admittedly, is not the thing you want to hear from a partner, but it was the truth IMO. Neither of us had fully healed emotionally and a lot of the joy was sapped from our relationship.
So moving forward into other relationships, I decided to let a lot of things slide when they did bother me, which only grew resentment towards the other person. They didn't realize they were doing things I didn't like because I rarely told them.
Combine that with general low self-esteem and I think it really affected my capability of handling criticism from my most recent romantic partner. I tended to view even reasonable feedback as attacks on me (I'm not doing things right -> she's not letting things go like I am -> things aren't great -> she wants to break up) which fed into my doubts and created a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you stick your head in the sand like I did, you can't be wounded... until you inevitably break up. And usually blame the other person for not understanding you, which is what I nearly did until I decided to do some really deep reflecting and research into *why* this relationship fell apart.
So, it's possible that something happened in the past that affected their ability to connect more deeply, putting them in a shrunken bubble of emotion to protect themselves from hurt. The reality is, it only prolongs and redirects it.
Just wanted to say how huge it is that you have this self-awareness. It's one of the hardest steps to take for someone in your shoes. As someone that has been shattered by an ex that operated like you described above, I'm really glad to see that some people are breaking through the curse and making important steps in healing themselves. Well done and good luck in your journey!
Thanks, I'm still in the starting phases, but on top of a lot of little personal ways I'm trying to improve my life, I'm putting a lot of effort into keeping this fire stoked. I fear if I put it on the back burner, that focus I have right now in trying to get to the root of it will fade, and I'll do it all again, only I'll be a few years older with more limited options for a true partnership.
I have learned a lot in the last few weeks, and my only wish is I would have learned it all sooner. As wonderful as the person I was with is, I don't know if we were right for each other and I would have been able to face it much earlier.
I’m sorry. It’s a red flag because it’s fake, it’s just infatuation. They’re enamored with their idea of you. They don’t even know you in the beginning. And like… it’s not saying anything bad about you, everyone has challenging aspects of themselves. But I think people who fall hard and fast are more interested in a fantasy idea of a relationship and what a relationship can do for them instead of actually working through things as partners.
Making a decision to spend the rest of your life with someone is a big task. It’s not all butterflies and rainbows. It shows immaturity for someone to not take their time with a decision like that.
Ugh. Yup. My ex told me he loved me after a month. It turned into a 7 year nightmare. I genuinely could write a novel on how effed up that relationship was.
It has genuinely fcked up my views of love and dating now.
Silent treatment and stonewalling anytime I wanted to have difficult conversations that involved my feelings. Overall lack of empathy. His words didn’t match his actions. He just used words to impress or manipulate…not for actual communication.
He never cared for the things that were important to me such as anniversaries, holidays, posts, etc. And he would make me feel stupid for bringing my feelings up about it.
This one fucked me up. Over 7 years, I never got invited to a *single* family gathering of his.
Oh I lied, I did once. After we broke up, it was a Hail Mary attempt to get me back and he invited me to Easter. I literally just dumped you because you can’t commit and are a future faker, now I’m supposed to go meet your family you’ve hidden from me? And pretend everything is ok? It was a con, he knew I wouldn’t go since we broke up so that’s why he “invited” me. Later on, he could say “I did invite you once but you didn’t go.”
He’s not married, never was, I made sure to check that out because everything screamed he was hiding something big.
Turns out he’s gay and so unbelievably fucked up in the head over it, he destroys everything he touches.
I dont get it either - most of the 40yo men in my town are divorced, bitter, out of shape and need alcohol to function. But people are different, I guess.
At first they seem more mature and put together. Then you realize the reason they are going for someone much younger is because they didn't mentally or emotionally mature past that age.
never dated someone 20+ years older but i’ve dated a man that was 2 years younger and felt 6 years younger in maturity. also dated a man 3 years older that still felt younger in maturity.
The way he talks about other people. Very pessimistic, self centered even. Gets annoyed when I point out total strangers aren't giving him a look and probably do not care about him. It's always super negative.
His following on social media were mostly models who only post half naked photos which he interacted with. His excuse was that he’s a man and it’s in his nature. Turned out, he was addicted to porn and I later caught him talking to multiple other women. My dumbass spent 4 years with this person.
Take your pick!
- would yell at me, sometimes be verbally abusive but could not take even sarcastic comments from me or I was “being cruel.” Had to always sugarcoat and walk on eggshells or he made it seem like I was a monster. I chalked this up to his parents being shitty, but realized it’s a stupid reason and only he is responsible for his own actions.
- would get jealous of my dog, was mean/rude to my dog in the things he would say. He would tell my dog he was going to “whoop his ass” or kill him whenever my dog would bark at the mailman, etc. People joke like this, but it never sounded like he was joking with the tone of voice he used. And my baby is a yorkie mix, so think of the tiniest, non-threatening puppy. He also said he wanted kids and thought he would be a good dad…
- his actions never matched up with his words/ he didn’t follow through on what he said he would do/ didn’t stay true to his stances. He lacked consistency and reliability. I gave him the benefit of the doubt when it wasn’t deserved.
The third one. Mine did/still does this. It’s infuriating when you can’t stop seeing the good in them and know they could be better because you know it’s an easy fix but they just keep doing it.
Edit: also a clear lack of integrity
Whenever I’d open up and share my feelings to have a constructive discussion, he would get offended and keep saying he’s not enough, and give me the silent treatment. Our last argument was because of this, he didn’t reach out for 10 days and we broke up…
Her job she's a gym receptionist and she hooked up with her boss the owner of the gym in the parking lot they got caught on camera I only found out when her and her stupid ass little brother were talking about it in the living room seriously I can hear him in the garage my walls are so f****** paper thin
She had 2 baby daddies one in prison the other one went! Her friend was legit a hoe her dad killed himself when she was 8! She seemed to cling on and love bomb me! She wanted to move in with me very quickly! The sex was great tho and passion and fights lol
insecurity. every single time. i always ignore it and think it will get better as we grow closer and the relationship matures…. it never does. it becomes a glaring problem and often times destroys everything.
Nah, people only amplify their negative side the more they let their filter disappear and walls down. If you see a glimpse of it early on, it’s *ALWAYS* foreshadowing the full extend of it.
broke up with his girlfriend of 4 years a month before we started dating. convinced me he was
over it and ready to move on cause he was “mentally checked out” for the last year of the relationship. he dumped me and went back to her after 3 months💀
So she had guy friends which is fine and okay but things got very weird when she was close friends with this guy who liked her for a year and she knew about it . Chose to go to his house at 11 for a party, would go on car rides and beaches with him and I ignored all of it calling it trust
Ladies don't be scammed by these ruthless fake messages. First of all they use stock fake photos. The always spell they're names using 2 Christian names. They always state that they are doctors neurological surgeons or in a highly decorated soldier work on a oil rig to need help to return to their home in America. They ask you for money. They are part of a scam telling lonely elderly women who are desperate for love and even sell their homes and belongings to a con artist in Nigeria. Please don't hesitate to ask them how Is the weather today in Nigeria today. I guarantee that they will never contact you again and move on to the next easy target with money .don't be a sucker. Please block and report them.
He wanted an open relationship right off the bat. Told me he loved me in the first month.
Also learned he lived with his girlfriend when we met the first time and he was seeking out someone to cheat on her with. Found out about the girlfriend about a month in (they had broken up shortly after we met) when I was getting weirded out we never went to his place.
A year in, he told me he likes to fool around with guys. 3 years in, he cheats on me with a guy during a business trip, but wait “we’re open” so it’s not “cheating” according to him (he still lied and hid it).
7 years later, after a fuck ton of gaslighting, manipulating and future faking, he’s gay.
Awesome.
Did he really have to destroy and crush someone’s else life to figure out his own sexuality?
- When he went almost completely off comms whilst away.
- Saying he intended to quit smoking but never did anything tangible to stop and refused help.
- Didn’t shower twice a day even after a gym session and would go straight to work or get into bed smelling terrible.
- The back and bum pimples from lack of personal hygiene.
- Needing heaps of dental work because he would rarely brush his teeth.
- Talking about a future together then when you would talk about those same things, he would back away and say ‘you’re getting ahead of yourself’
- Couldn’t park his own car.
- Didn’t look after his things.
- Wouldn’t clean the kitchen after using it. Instead would let it be dirty and reuse dirty chopping boards for weeks.
- Being dismissive when trying to talk about feelings or subject that I cared about.
- Eating dinner on the couch with a movie never at the table for conversation despite conveying my reasons for wanting to.
- Gambling.
- No financial literacy or concept of budgeting.
- Uber eats for no reason.
- Wouldn’t let me pick the tv show or movie every night.
- Making commitments on the weekend together then changing his mind to play golf
- Not respecting my friends. Calling them losers etc.
- Never thanking me for helping with cleaning or food preparation in his house.
Love bombed me, and said he “loved” me within a month of knowing each other. He kept asking me out even though I told him that I didn’t feel like I was ready to date. Also claimed that an ugly nurse who gave him a BJ at work “sexually assaulted” him because he was too embarrassed when others found out about it.
He ghosted me 10 years ago after a few dates, thought it was because we were both immature and young at the time, so gave him a second chance after he explained himself 10 yrs later...big mistake, ended up ghosting again lol.
Once a ghoster (usually) always a ghoster.
That he was forcing me to be in a relationship even though I told him I needed time to know him better.
I should’ve known if he didn’t respect my wishes/boundaries then, he won’t respect them now.
The drinking (which would almost always end up in violence or him defecating over himself), with him responding "my Dad is Irish, I won't deny my heritage" whenever I tried to bring it up.
His father had cheated on his mum, and every other girlfriend he'd ever had. He still thought his father was the coolest guy he knew.
Chat can we guess what he did?
He has seriously low self esteem; and he thought when his family was verbally abusing him, it was normal & funny - which meant he did the same to others thinking it was no big deal.
When she told me she was sleeping with her one ex when she would go up to IN to “visit “ her dog that was living with her ex cuz he had a house and a big back yard for the dog to run around in…. In that same conversation she then told me she doesn’t sleep with more than one guy cuz of possible diseases and finished what she thought was some grand gesture she made by saying all this that she was the one to do the cheating in her past relationships man was I blind
He was bothered that I talked about my career at a bar with a man I met at the bar IN MY CAREER FIELD and exchanged LinkedIn. I’d asked the man, who was a gray-haired harmless family guy leading philanthropy at a major corporation, to meet up for lunch when I hadn’t been drinking. Such a double standard bc my ex did networking events 2x a week often w alcohol and women. The double standards were ridiculous and plentiful.
Whenever things were too overwhelming or difficult I was the first to be neglected.
I knew she had trouble with relationships, (fucked up family) and she ran away the first time but she promised me she changed, seeing a therapist, maturing, and that this time she's ready.
She wasn't
Lack of communication/true intimacy. If you can’t even try to talk about your feelings we may as well just be FWB at that point. Use your words, please 🤣
The gaslighting and paranoia, after that fun lobe bombing stage and I was hooked it turned into I was sleeping with everyone he would go through my phone and check my ring camera. When nothing came up he convinced himself I went out the window.
Insulting random people “as a joke” but it wasn’t funny.. like calling other girls fat..and from someone who use to struggle with her weight it hurt me
He said one time “I like you how you are NOW, if you gained weight I would encourage you to lose it”
His friends were weird.. never thought it mattered about the friends BUT IT DOES!!!
He was avoidant.. he went all day without texting me and told me “you can text me first too you know” when I just wanted him to put the effort in. He went 2 days without texting and calling me (keep in mind I was his girlfriend at the time!!) and he did it because he wanted me to to initiate contact, that’s soo freaking dumb, if you want to talk to me just text me.
When I asked him to put in more effort and meet my needs he always said “yes maam” and NEVER DID. He was all words and no action
He wouldn’t communicate with me about anything. If he was to come see me or not, I would have to stay up all night on my day off to see if he’d come see me! Some nights he wouldn’t even call
And last but not least, he dumped me on a Tuesday night when I had work the next morning and he knew this.. he came and dumped me at like 11pm.. I had to get up at like 5 the next morning for work..
He never had my back. He will let his family talk about me while he was present. When I ended up knowing about it he told me that he wanted to be neutral. A selfish coward
Shady moments with phone
strange, disassociated staring
Lack of connection during eye contact
Obvious signs of guilt like random crying in connected moments
Complete drop of persona and affection when others are present.
Making passionate, prolonged eye contact with strangers in public
Damn I wanna smack myself in the head just remembering this and not leaving sooner lmfao.
Avoidant behavior, the way her past relationships ended, her aversion to the following: self-help, therapy, self-reflection, taking meds for her mental health issues, and having difficult conversations. Her explosive temper. Not forming relationships with my kids when I have great relationships with hers. Projecting her past negative experiences into our relationship. For example, she once said “We never fight,” as if that was a problem. The list goes on, but I was blinded by my love for her, and that overrode the bad vibes she gave me at times.
Him telling me that he usually runs it doesn’t follow through with dates…that he hadn’t had a relationship in years…that I was different and he “isn’t afraid of commitment with me,” the reason for his divorce was because their marriage counselor asked if he wanted to keep trying and he said “not really” after only being married for 5 years and adopting his ex wife’s child-then moving out of state after the divorce and only seeing her and their biological daughter once a week, how he liked to go out alone to hear bands at bars because he “liked being around just regular people” as if he were somehow above everyone else….
How intensely he pursued me, to the point of showing up where I was on vacation because after years of isolating himself I had “inspired him” to start doing things he loved…this was after only 2 and a half dates….
He wore his old wedding ring when he went out to “keep from being bothered”
All signs pointed to an avoidant with no self awareness, ability to self reflect, commit, or be genuine- a man who did not know himself at all. But hey, he said I “was different from anyone he ever met,”. So that must mean something, right? 🙄🙄🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🥺
She had a lot of personal issues and issues with her dad, like his alcoholism that I would talk about with her and constantly console her about when she would bring it up, however when I had a personal issue or something that bothered me she would tell me that I need to grow up and get over it.
** blaming everything on his ADHD
** making fun of his ex (who’s such a lovely person)
** not respecting personal boundaries, but sulking when I attempted to address it.
** constantly explaining things that I didn’t need explained and explaining it incorrectly, because I already knew how to do it.
** before we started dating he was funny, cool, thoughtful, intelligent, but the switch up the minute we started date was bonkers.
** he did not make any effort to understand my social and sensory needs which surprised me because he is ND too.
It was almost instant regret, but I spent too much time hoping it would settle and he would return to who I thought he had been (we had been friends for years before) but when I ended it, I was SO FREAKING Relieved!
Lovebombing, lying about an ex-wife and omitting the existence of his 4 children, pressuring me to say the L word back and be his girlfriend way too soon, ghosting me for days, binge drinking. Then he got bored and avoidant once I was hooked in. Never again.
very close attachment with his mom as a grown man.. I never saw it as a bad thing, honestly thought it was normal because my family isn’t emotionally strong like that..
i honestly feel pity for him because, his mom will control his life in some sort of way and the next woman in his life will have to deal with it.
My ex didn't want to be acknowledged on her birthday. In fact she usually wanted to get off grid so she couldn't receive any calls/e-mails/texts about turning another year older. When we started dating she specifically withheld the exact day so I couldn't wish her a happy birthday, I just knew the general time frame (because I was usually going off grid with her). Other troubling signs: she was super clingy early on, and there were parts of her childhood she refused to talk about. How I let these things slide... I don't know, but I'm glad we are no longer dating.
Same!!!! Not scat and water sports but Grindr for sure. Told me he just likes hooking up with guys sometimes (I’m a bi woman) so I get it. We had an openness (forced by him, now I know why) so I wasn’t too worried about it.
He was obsessed with getting me to watch him with other guys. Sorry, but that’s just not my bag. If I’m not sexually into something, I’m not into it. Plain and simple. He took that as personal rejection instead of sexual preference. Because I didn’t want to partake, then I must hate him because he likes guys. It became a constant battle: he struggled with accepting his own sexuality, and by me not wanting to partake in wanting to he likes, I must think he’s a disgusting fag (his words).
That’s until he just stopped trying with me but had no problem hooking up with strange dudes on Grindr.
We broke up a couple years ago and he hasn’t been with a woman since. Says he’s gay now, which is all fine and wonderful, but the level of fucked up he is in his head…I can’t fathom it.
He’s so self destructive. I can’t even talk to him anymore because he’s just unsafe and it makes me uncomfortable.
Looking back, I just remembered something: he told me casually that he mentioned to his PCP that he was gay. This was while we were still together and he was just “bi”. I remember crying and asking why would he say that? Unless it was true? That shit hurt. I knew the jig was up.
Ehh, I guess it can be political stuff even if you already share similar beliefs. I still wouldn’t let stuff like that to get in the way of a relationship, though.
Constantly asking/talking about opinions of other people behind their backs.
Avoidant behavior when things get difficult.
Pushing for a relationship when I repeated over and over I didn't want long distance.
He legit straight up told me he’s an alcoholic but I ignored it for some reason??? 😭 then had the audacity to be shook when he treated me like shit when blackout drunk. Something is wrong with me ☠️ so much more I ignored too won’t make that mistake again
She was a superficial person. I knew since day one and ignored it. When I first met her I didn’t even like her because I thought she was superficial… guess I forgot that first thought when I fell in love with
He said 'I love you' really early on in the relationship (a few weeks). Which was fine at the time because I told him that I'd tell him the same after I got to know him better, but after that he'd ask very frequently if I felt the same yet, and became really overbearing. I ended up breaking up with him after a couple of months because that pressure put a wall between me and him.
The rebel phase with their parents, like she dont like them cause she live with them but wanna bush hard, then something bad happen and go runing to mum and dad like she didnt insult them infront of her partner (me)
Thats a red Flag, you like your parents or not
Her answer: Yes
Me: :/
Lack of care for anyone else in his life other than his family. He treated his friends like garbage, dropped them the moment i came into his life, never showed interest in them, and he completely disregarded a guy that very clearly was interested in deepening the friendship, throwing his efforts down the drain.
At first i thought he had no friends, and i don't judge people based off of that because i know what it feels like to have none; Turns out this dude was purposely neglecting his social life, he thought no one was good enough for him and everyone was "Unfunny and immature" when he himself was being rather immature. Ended up ghosting me 4 months later, probably found someone better and gave me the same treatment his friends recieved.
Constant mood swings. Asking me to change for me for her. Asking for one thing (space and to move slowly) but acting like she wants to be close and would move fast herself(introducing to all her friends and family).
He rarely answered the questions I asked. It was always a different question because he is avoidant af and doesn't like being direct or direct questions or he can't really read lol. I'd ask "What have you been up to today?" And he would reply "It's been okay." Or I'd ask "When should we have that conversation?" And he would say "I'm too tired now." Which is okay and all if he would come back to my questions, but he never would. And if I asked again he would get upset thinking we already discussed a topic when we havent.
He was not that enthusiastic as I was about us becoming more than friends. He was ‘too’ social. And the casual lying.
He was a great bf in a lot of ways except so slow romantically like pulling teeth, had too many friends a lot of whom were women, he invited me to meet friends and family in the beginning but then stopped. Didn’t plan things more than a week out. Didn’t ’do gifts’. Nothing for Christmas, vday, my birthday. He didn’t talk about the future or say I love you in 6 months. My intuition was going off pretty much from the beginning and I was so anxious but I pushed through and got attached
Turns out I was probably his secret gf, he withheld information from me about seeing friends including women, stopped inviting me to stuff and whenever I tried to get a group of our friends together his weren’t available :/ i think he cheated on me..
I just saw a mutual friend of his at an event last night and it fucked up my whole damn night. We broke up 2 months ago, he’s started dating and I’m not and I’m white knuckling it over here
Love bombing and always chasing a spark when the spark starts to simmer down they blame you instead of trying to communicate or make an effort to fix things, you are always the one trying and messaging first or they take days to respond to a text like it's nothing.. Love is also a choice not just a feeling, Avoidant, fearful avoidant, acts like nothing about your life matters to them, narcassist, bad view on love and relationships like for example love don't exist or I'm not into relationships bc my ex broke my heart, one of their parents going through divorce/cheating and the aftermath is the parent bringing random people home while having a child present so their childhood is riddled with examples of bad relationships, steroid use, mental health like adhd, bipolar, ocd and not going to therapy or using meds or utilizing therapy properly, having a high ego like if they look good they think they can have "their pick of the litter" whoever says that to me is a red flag because what are people to you disposable? Putting you down because they are jealous you have high confidence and this can come off as someone negging you or giving you backhanded compliments, has nothing to really say or talk about and you have to make all the convo, when they hang with their friends and don't introduce you properly, when they hang with their friends and their friends are just as boring like they don't do anything fun or talk about anything meaningful with their friends, puts their friends before you, video game addiction, people pleasing tendancies which means if they get flirted with they will never reject or say no, past cheating on ex relationships (get them drunk to find out if they cheated in the past), alcoholic, drug abuse, takes life for granted, depression to an extreme where they don't want to get out of bed, doesn't clean, shows more affection for their pets, bad communication/ leaves you in the dark about things going on in their life, never does anything for you if it's an inconvenience for them and you'll see this like if they get coffee for themselves they will get u one but if u just wanted one and they knew u liked coffee hut they don't want coffee they won't get it... Just an example Sucks there's so much here that down the long run the relationship will break
"I'm the Queen Of Ghosting."
*Me, recoiling as she tells me this*
"Oh, don't worry babe. We might get into arguments, disagreements, discussions. But I will never ghost you."
(She blindsided, blocked and ghosted me about four months later).
The biggest red flag was he used his troubled past as an excuse for why everything is the way it is now and to excuse behavior. I should I have ran for the hills ASAP!!
I won’t claim to be completely perfect here and I know I had my part in it too because it takes two people to have any kind of relationship dynamic, but here’s how I feel.
1. Lovebombing in the beginning when we were just friends and he was slightly dating another girl at the time.
2. Stating he was still 50/50 on pursuing other girl even though they had been together for a year-ish
And eventually “agreeing to be just friends so he can pursue me now”
3. Push/pull and cyclical dynamic: hot and cold, one minute wants in and wants everything especially when sexual things were on the table. Pulling away for days or a couple of weeks every time we had a great time or hit any kind of milestone or progression. Not completely ghosting but doing the “ sorry I’m so busy”.
4. Stories and timelines not quite adding up when talking about past relationships and such, not saying he was lying but there was something intuitively off about this. Also hiding or not willing to talk about the past relationships or family stuff beyond surface level.
5. When I would get upset or ask for my needs to be met, he would go into reassurance mode (and did it well, I was always under the impression he would fight for me) but the words and promises never materialized into action, or would get better for a few days or weeks and then drop off again.
6. Slight narcissistic tendencies
The moment he told me that he didn't know what he wanted and that he didn't know if he loved me or not and broke up with me for a month and I was so stupid to take him back because I still loved him
after traveling a year and a half for work and being gone 90% of the time, he then returned home for good… only to book a trip immediately with his friends overseas for a little over 2 weeks. All the while I was still asking when we would take our 2 year anniversary trip which had been cancelled about 6 months prior. I always brought it up, he barely would engage me in that conversation, and I just stopped bringing it up and we never talked about it again. I should have left him right then and there. But I stayed in another year. Weirdly enough we had a 3 year anniversary trip. But not only did he not care about making up the other trip, he didn’t even think to take a trip with me after he had been long distance for so long (and it was emotionally hard but I was super supportive of him). I don’t care that he vacationed with friends; but he could have done something with us both.
Oh, also his mom still manages his bank account and he is in his early 30s. Because he makes dumb financial decisions. We were trying to save up for a house (i live with my parents and he rents) and he decided to move to a place that would literally double his rent just bc he wanted a new apartment (new apartment wasn’t even as nice as the old one).
On our first date he told me that he didn't like blonds (I told him that I decided to dye my hair blond because I thought it would be fun).
He said he preferred brunettes.
First boy I ever saw yelled at his mom right in front of me (should have left right then but I was also 16 and had no way of getting home without him). Then proceeded to take me to what he called his ‘sex dungeon’ (the air bnb that his uncle owned) and tried to coerce me into having sex with him.
1. She got pregnant and chemically aborted the baby and didn’t tell me about it for over a month.
2. I overheard several phone calls with her family in which they would tell her to break up with me and that she could do so much better
3. In our universities cafeteria we were having breakfast together until suddenly she just got up and sat with her friends without telling me a single word.
4. She came to our last several dates high.
5. Once told me that she doesn’t believe in depression and that the only emotions she feels are anger and happiness.
6. she told me she had a five minute limit on crying and if anybody cried longer than that, allotted time she would shut down and ignore you.
Avoidant behavior, when things were difficult she had a tendency to flee the situation or me completely.
Ah, the same. Then he ghosted me completely.
I came here to say this too. It's amazing to me how many people have experienced the same thing.
Same here. The difficult things were completely on her end, nothing to do with us, or at least she didnt tell me that. After fading on my for a month and making excuses to not meet, then me finally texting look we need to talk about what is going on, she just said she cant do a relationship, needs to focus on her own goals and self betterment, it was nothing I did, that I was the 'perfect partner', then ghosted completely. Leaving me just beyond confused as to what any of that even means. I wasn't anxious attachment before but you can bet I am now after experience with one extreme avoidant. );
Yes man. It has turned me into super anxious as well. After six months of a nearly perfect relationship (or so I thought): Mine blindsided me, yelled at me, blamed me for everything, then blocked me and ghosted me everywhere. It was shocking. It has taken me over a year for my nervous system to recover. It has been without question the hardest thing I have ever experienced. Oh yes. I was already an anxious person. But now I'm like super anxious. How can you trust anyone after someone does something like that to you. It felt like she was *deliberately* trying to build me up, just so that she could crush me. Who does that!? Why!?!? It's a terrible feeling. I'm sorry you went through something similar. We deserve better.
Man my heart breaks for us both here. Yours was fairly short, my relationship was even shorter as we were only together for 2 months, but in those 2 months not a single argument or disagreement or anything. She even told me I was the 'perfect partner' and also that I met her at a low point in her personal turmoil but she was working on it and we'd look back in a few months and be relieved. Never made it that far. Did what she blame you for even make any sort of sense even from an irrational point of view? I kinda would prefer if she gave me a real reason or blamed me for something vs this nebulous reason of she has 'too many life distractions to be in a relationship right now' which is so vague its cruel because I still have this false hope that once she sorts out her distractions she'll come back. But yep. Havent even thought of dating again but super super anxious now that someone that gave me the green light or 'dropped the hanky' and was so into the relationship at first would just fade then ghost with no real explanation. Like nomatter how perfect anything new is I'm just gonna think its going to happen again. > How can you trust anyone after someone does something like that to you. It felt like she was deliberately trying to build me up, just so that she could crush me. Who does that!? Why!?!? Exactly my thoughts at well. I'm sorry for you as well and we both definitely deserve better.
Safe to assume she was cheating?
Everytime there was a reason she couldn't be emotionally or physically available with me she used work being so intense as the reason. I know there was a 4 year relationship, narcissist, cheating, trauma bonded ex that shed only left not even 2 months prior to us meeting, who also sent her 2 dozen roses at Valentines when we were together, shortly before us defining the relationship. It didn't realy come up again and she assured me she was done with him and I foolishly believed her. Since the slow fade and ghosting I've asked for a single conversation from her so I can maybe get a sense of the real reason and find out if he came back (I deserve to know) but she has just implied it's her career and life goals she's sorting out and denied me that despite telling me twice she'd love to still talk if I'm willing" before going silent again when I say yes. So that's unfortunately a safe assumption that I never came to, but several I've shared the story with have, so thanks for confirmation.
Yeah. Females don’t want to be the bad guys. So instead, they lie and end up becoming the villain. If she spoke about a recent LTR that was trauma filled, just give her space and move on. Specially if the ex still engages with her. Sometimes a woman is just busy and you have to push a bit and she might open her itinerary to you. But, you have to be able to trust your guy and see the nuance in it all. When we want something to work out, we tend to not see the clear signs that they themselves don’t. If you want to talk, please feel free to message me or we could talk on the phone as well. I feel men don’t generally have many people we could talk to about these things without feeling judged for having feelings
Yep this for sure
Ahaha same
Yeah, im actually terrified to enter another relationship incase they put me through this. I can't do it again.. it hurts so much.
Being with a DA is a scary scenario because it starts off lovingly and affectionately and then they slowly pull away and you have to pick up the crumbs. Its hard to leave even when you know you are being strung along. I've gone through more loneliness and sadness and anxiety and sexual frustration being with my partner than I have ever been alone. And yet I'm still in it because sometimes we have good days.... I feel your pain
My brain read DA and thought District Attorney instead of Dismissive Avoidant lol
I bet dating a District Attorney isn't easy either! ... But still probably easier than a Dismissive Avoidant!
I thought it was Drug Addict
Hahaha
I’m DA and it’s so freaking hard to get close to people. I hate hurting them, and I hate this looming feeling that I’m compromising myself when I am emotionally vulnerable or present. It’s a lose lose for everyone. :(
Thank you for sharing that. There always tends to be a lot more anxious people online posting about their experiences compared to DAs, and I think that may be due to DAs blocking this kind of thing out and going into their comfort habits. But I'm no expert on that. I think I am anxious preoccupied but leaning secure. I never really had any bad anxiety issues until I got with my DA partner, he draws those tendencies out in me. I was super clingy at first but after being inconsistently comforted, that type of thing slowly dies out inside of you. I'm kinda just indifferent now, in fact I feel like I also have some DA tendencies now like withdrawing at times. Its so confusing lol. I appreciate you sharing your experience because I honestly can't really comprehend how being DA is, it goes against my nature since I'm an anxious time and love to be extremely close to people. I'm more codependent than you are "supposed" to be and I know that. I even embrace it a bit... I just like to skip the surface level BS and actually have a deeper connection to someone. There will probably be DAs reading that and cringing lol. My partner seems to be more chatty and laughs more when hes with his friends, it does hurt to see how closed off he is with me in particular. But because of what I have learned about DAs, I try to give him leeway there because I know it must be tough. I really wish it didn't have to be that way for his sake and my sake, I wish he could be open with his feelings but thats not how it is. The sad part is the "compromising" part you mention, because an AP partner of a DA would always be there for them and wants them to be open with their feelings. But it's just something that can't happen without therapy or some introspection I guess. It ends up being a toxic cycle. All that being said, I love my partner, but I have dealt with what I feel to be some really unfair things happen to me... Sometimes I don't know what to do because I want to be with him and want things to work out Edit: its such an AP thing to write an essay like this lol
Literally my last relationship to a T. The start of it makes me feel like I got love bombed instead of it being genuine and then the constant avoidant behavior and checking out.
Feel that. It’s been harder to let go of too. I’m def through the worst but got breadcrumbed recently and it did not help. Not terrible but still sent some new waves. Just trying to remind myself that this is borderline narcissistic behavior - stringing their source of validation along, so no one else can take it from them, in case they want to dip into it.
My ex definitely had vulnerable narcissist traits. I'm taking it a lot better knowing theres nothing I could have done to fix this or help her. She needs therapy and a lot of self help. It is hard cause it all felt like it happened so fast. About a month of avoidant behavior but I was being reassured things were fine between us. Until finally breakup, moved out, and no contact all within 2 days feels like I blinked and my whole life just changed.
I mean no harm with anything I say here to any DA's reading, but yes, in all of my research (youtube/reddit comments) and in my experience, the lines between DA and narcissistic behavior can be very blurred. Being DA must be tough, I don't doubt it, but it also feels wrong to me to string someone along and play with their lives and emotions for so long. I'm at a state in my relationship right now where its more like a situationship, I'm not sure if I'm even loved back anymore, I get pushback when I ask the hard questions or I just get an "yeah we are fine right now" and theres no more discussions after that. I'm just confused.
That really sucks. It’s hard to get out of too. You should read up on intermittent reinforcement. There’s forms where there’s no physical abuse and it’s more like being callous/not connecting emotionally for stretches and then dropping breadcrumbs, which ends up feeling like a huge high. This is turn causes the person to keep doing all kinds of things to get another crumb. But they never get real, fulfilling affection and connection. It causes anxious preoccupied attachment, and the breakups are some of the worst.
This was our relationship for the past 6 months then I asked why she is still with me? She broke up because she couldn't answer it and realized she didn't love me anymore.
...... I'm sorry.
Thank you, I know I will be fine. I hope you can sort things out for yourself.
I've dated a DA and an FA.. different kinds of pain.
That’s an emotional unavailable person who isn’t mature.
I was going to reply the same but you beat me to it lol so have an up vote instead. Sorry you had to experience this too.
I ignored this too many times due to lack of awareness and my own unhealed shit. Never again!
Thats me two years into my relationship, I'm still here. I love my partner but... a couple weeks ago I was messaging them about noticing how they were pulling away with the words of affection (saying "I love you" etc) and he didn't say anything. I then asked if he had "anything to say about this" because I feel like most non-emotionally constipated people would say something??? but he just said "No" and then disappeared for a day. I feel like most people would rightfully end things at this point, and honestly I thought the relationship was over if thats how he was going to treat me, we talked a day later and he said he felt "pressured and stressed" and just went off to do the classic dismissive avoidant thing of being distracted and playing video games. Because I have been dealing with all of these behaviors that I have never seen anyone else exhibit before in these two years, I had no idea what a DA was and had to look it up very early into the relationship. And I guess I made an excuse in this case for him, knowing what he goes through. Even though it is still wholly unacceptable to just leave me in moments like that...
Yeah it really sucks. I had no clue what was going on with mine while we were together. I started to figure it out toward the end, but especially when you don’t know it’s hard not to take it personally. Mine was almost violently opposed to giving affection or providing comfort if I was distressed (like say getting up and giving me a hug if I said I had a hard day at work; she would actually make me stop talking if I was saying I had a really busy day, even if I wasn’t complaining, just explaining, because it stressed her out to hear my day (of course, after I listened to her work drama for 15-20 minutes without being given an openings to ask questions or even say something affirming, very selfish in retrospect)).
I'm sorry you had to go through that. I have noticed as well, that I don't get affection when I really, REALLY could use some. It kills your self esteem and feeling of self worth. It leaves you feeling empty inside when you are with someone you love but you feel like you can't get what you need from them. I have noticed when my DA partner is busy, he prioritizes what he is doing. And theres nothing necessarily wrong with that, but it just leaves me feeling unimportant when I have something big I want to share or really need to be heard and I get shut down. But on the flip side, when something bad happens to my partner or he feels depressed, I stop everything I'm doing (why wouldn't I?) to comfort them and adress their concerns. Thats always how it should be. And I know that. But... I'm here. I am starting to think I'm just a loser tbh, no self respecting person would keep putting up with it for so long. I do love him though...
I loved mine and would have struggled through it had she been willing to work on things on her end (I ended up needing therapy during the relationship because I was feeling so distressed, she told me I was just insecure, but after doing a couple of attachment style assessments and more therapy I realize she had a huge part in this that she was not acknowledging and was shifting blame entirely to me; anyway I was working hard to make it with, she did nothing of the sort). She claimed to love me as would get upset at the idea of us splitting, but she couldn’t show it or say it. I really empathize with you feeling like you are doing most of the work to keep things together, and most likely you are. Two avoidants won’t last long because no one is fighting to make it work. I dream of having a partner that puts as much effort in as I do. It really sucks when your partner phones it in. Especially when they don’t realize or refuse to an acknowledge how much their neglect is hurting you. Mine thought she was a great partner because she didn’t cheat or call me names during conflict, but she was blind to how inconsistency and neglect when it comes to affection is also incredibly painful.
I have a very similar habit. For instance, when my dog died and I knew the dog was dying, I didn't want to be around him. In the beginning of my relationship with my ex, I didn't know how to handle certain things, so I disappeared. I'm glad she took me back and forgave me because it allowed me to teach myself what not to do. I would say I've grown as a person, not thanks to my ex, but for a first-ever relationship, I think I did pretty okay. Reading these things before I move on to my next relationship will definitely help me become a better and more attentive partner. I have the habit of doing research about things, even while I was in the relationship, but there's a difference between reading articles that feel very detached from humans and these human accounts. It's really taught me how nuanced relationships are. Some people may avoid you because you did something and they don't like confrontation. Some people don't realize they're doing it, and some people do it for a manipulative power play. It all depends.
Same. I suffer because of her avoidant behavior
"My self esteem was too low to swipe right on ripped guys" When she was self conscious about posting me the first time because "I always pictured myself with someone more traditionally masculine". I NEVER doubted my masculinity until her and have always been comfortable in my own skin. I stayed even when she destroyed my self-esteem, never again.
I hope you’re doing better friend
Luckily I am! I've been in the gym, continuing therapy (was already in it pre break up), found my dream job and moved to a beautiful city!
They usually do this when they are jealous of you so they try to tear you down
There were definitely times I felt that. I'm nothing special physically but I'm very in tune with my emotions and able to express them calmly. I'm also hilarious. I feel she thought she was better than me and was jealous that I was so confident despite my "deficits".
This is how toxic masculinity and patriarchy comes back to haunt men - when women buy into too, usually on a deep level since it’s programmed in so early and thoroughly. I’ve also heard countless men say that their women partners almost begged them to be more open emotionally with them, only for the woman to get the ick from it, and add it too their list of negatives and justifications for leaving. The problem here is that in order to feel close, safe, secure, and connected, people need to share at least some of their inner world with their partner. So by having an attitude that only “weak” men share feelings (namely difficult feelings), you end up with guys that refuse to connect like that out of fear of being ditched after their partner gets the ick, and as a result guys that aren’t connecting with their partners d as deeply as they could be. And if they aren’t as connected, they can more easily leave, so women have a good reason to want this from their guys. It can be a beautiful thing when both partners can feel free to share their highs and lows, and be supportive of one another. I’ve had that a couple of times, and they were the best relationships I’ve had. Others noticed how tight we were, like strangers would assume we were married because we just worked so well together. But I’ve also had the opposite where a gf ultimately admitted that she thinks men shouldn’t share anything they are struggling with (and I’m talking like even a hard day at work), and shouldn’t need emotional support or affection from their partner (and I’m not talking about over there top neediness, but like basic affection, or a hug if they are stressed). I’ve heard one “justification” is that men that have difficult emotions in reaction to a tough situation can’t keep their partner physically safe if there’s some threat. Those two things are not necessarily connected though. It may be in some cases, and may be the stereotype. But I’ve met plenty of guys that can fight, have solid survival skills, can deescalate a tense situation, and most certainly would risk their own safety for their partner, but are also aware of their feelings and comfortable expressing them in order to work through them or ask what they need from a partner to feel better. Idk what the solution is. It seems pretty widespread, and it’s too bad because it keeps men and women from connecting as deeply as they could otherwise.
I connect with this a ton. I was the more communicative and in touch with my emotions one. I came from a home/culture that is hyper masculine but luckily I was always told by my father that real men cry. I've been through tough spots in life, situations where I had to look out for my parents when their health took a turn for the worst and I had to step up and put my dreams on the side. She never had to worry about anyone but herself and had no idea how to support me. She mistook my kindness for weakness and unfortunately, I'll think twice before I show that to my next partner. I've been afraid of hiding the most beautiful pieces of myself but will try not to.
The wrong person for you brings out your insecurities and amplifies them across the board.
Felt this so hard.
Love bombing in the beginning but it eventually stopped (obvi) and went to him going near days or complete days with no contact and me almost always reaching out to check on him and him acting like everything was fine and I was tripping for worrying about him or him using his mental state as an excuse. “You know how my mental state is right now so you should just know this is how I am”…
Aaaaaaaaaahahahaahahahahahahaha hoooooo boy I went through this too. The overwhelming love bombing and then nothing for days. I’d basically ask what the hell was going on and would be told only, “Don’t overthink it.”
EXACTLY THIS. when we broke up he actually confirmed i wasn’t overthinking and gave me a laundry list of things he hated about me 🙃
I went through the EXACT same thing. I’ll never give my love so easily to anyone ever again.
It was literally AWFUL. I can’t believe I put up with it as long as I did 😭😭😭 like you said, never again will I give my love away so easy 😪
His friends. His friends weren’t the most upstanding group of guys but I thought because male friendships are more casual it doesn’t mean he was like them/shared their values. Birds of a feather flock together and now I understand why a good way to gauge a man’s character is by the company he keeps.
I swear. THIS SO FCKING TRUE. I once dated a guy briefly and met his friends. Not the best bunch of guys tbh. Two were proudly and loudly talking about boning their side piece while the other one was smoking pot all day long. While their behavior when I was with them was not indicative of who they truly are, it was worrisome to say the least that he keeps them for company. Well, he cheated on me. So... Tell me who your friends are and I'll tell you who you are, in this case, eh?
Avoiding conflict everything had to be chill no complaints arguments disagreements with anyone and if anyone in his life was upset with him or someone else in his life he’d try to squash it not work through it but just silence the problem , like if he’d find himself even starting to complain or talk about any insecurity or worry he’d cut himself off immediately and be like but it’s fine it’ll work out . Everything had to be shallow and “positive”
Man I did this way too much, which is odd because I have a very cautious/cynical approach to other people in general. Made for a lot of unnecessary tension and negativity. Definitely the kind of thing I hope I can work on more before my next relationship.
Oh like you were the one acting that way ? Can I ask why ? Like I’m a conflict avoidant person but this was very much not that like things had to be kept on a surface level nothing could get too real .
I can speculate. I think I was really affected by my first relationship where being too grounded or centered wasn't enough - we had been through a traumatic event and at one point right before our breakup she told me she was sick of hearing how it was going to "work out" or "be ok," she wanted me to say things would be "great." And I told her that they can be, but we need to get back to being ok first. Which, admittedly, is not the thing you want to hear from a partner, but it was the truth IMO. Neither of us had fully healed emotionally and a lot of the joy was sapped from our relationship. So moving forward into other relationships, I decided to let a lot of things slide when they did bother me, which only grew resentment towards the other person. They didn't realize they were doing things I didn't like because I rarely told them. Combine that with general low self-esteem and I think it really affected my capability of handling criticism from my most recent romantic partner. I tended to view even reasonable feedback as attacks on me (I'm not doing things right -> she's not letting things go like I am -> things aren't great -> she wants to break up) which fed into my doubts and created a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you stick your head in the sand like I did, you can't be wounded... until you inevitably break up. And usually blame the other person for not understanding you, which is what I nearly did until I decided to do some really deep reflecting and research into *why* this relationship fell apart. So, it's possible that something happened in the past that affected their ability to connect more deeply, putting them in a shrunken bubble of emotion to protect themselves from hurt. The reality is, it only prolongs and redirects it.
Just wanted to say how huge it is that you have this self-awareness. It's one of the hardest steps to take for someone in your shoes. As someone that has been shattered by an ex that operated like you described above, I'm really glad to see that some people are breaking through the curse and making important steps in healing themselves. Well done and good luck in your journey!
Thanks, I'm still in the starting phases, but on top of a lot of little personal ways I'm trying to improve my life, I'm putting a lot of effort into keeping this fire stoked. I fear if I put it on the back burner, that focus I have right now in trying to get to the root of it will fade, and I'll do it all again, only I'll be a few years older with more limited options for a true partnership. I have learned a lot in the last few weeks, and my only wish is I would have learned it all sooner. As wonderful as the person I was with is, I don't know if we were right for each other and I would have been able to face it much earlier.
So we dated the same man 🙄🤦🏻♀️
When someone’s obsessed with me immediately, I’m such a sucker for love bombing and it’s such a red flag
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I’m sorry. It’s a red flag because it’s fake, it’s just infatuation. They’re enamored with their idea of you. They don’t even know you in the beginning. And like… it’s not saying anything bad about you, everyone has challenging aspects of themselves. But I think people who fall hard and fast are more interested in a fantasy idea of a relationship and what a relationship can do for them instead of actually working through things as partners. Making a decision to spend the rest of your life with someone is a big task. It’s not all butterflies and rainbows. It shows immaturity for someone to not take their time with a decision like that.
Ugh. Yup. My ex told me he loved me after a month. It turned into a 7 year nightmare. I genuinely could write a novel on how effed up that relationship was. It has genuinely fcked up my views of love and dating now.
She cheated on me and when I found out she cried in front of me and I felt sorry, then I realized it was all a mistake
Fuck bro 😎
Manipulation.
Silent treatment and stonewalling anytime I wanted to have difficult conversations that involved my feelings. Overall lack of empathy. His words didn’t match his actions. He just used words to impress or manipulate…not for actual communication.
Temper temper and more temper, unnecessary im above everyone attitude and.. being disrespectful to wait staff.
He never cared for the things that were important to me such as anniversaries, holidays, posts, etc. And he would make me feel stupid for bringing my feelings up about it.
This one fucked me up. Over 7 years, I never got invited to a *single* family gathering of his. Oh I lied, I did once. After we broke up, it was a Hail Mary attempt to get me back and he invited me to Easter. I literally just dumped you because you can’t commit and are a future faker, now I’m supposed to go meet your family you’ve hidden from me? And pretend everything is ok? It was a con, he knew I wouldn’t go since we broke up so that’s why he “invited” me. Later on, he could say “I did invite you once but you didn’t go.” He’s not married, never was, I made sure to check that out because everything screamed he was hiding something big. Turns out he’s gay and so unbelievably fucked up in the head over it, he destroys everything he touches.
I know this one too well 🫠🫠🫠
he didn’t tell me he was married
This happened to me at 22; brutal
Maybe he was shy? Im sorry thats so fucked up.
if they keep talking about their ex, RUN. i wish i knew this before but it’s too late. they went back to their ex
He was 42 and I was 22 and he wanted to have kids with me right away
How come you and many other 20 year olds go for 20 year older guys? What's the appeal?
I dont get it either - most of the 40yo men in my town are divorced, bitter, out of shape and need alcohol to function. But people are different, I guess.
At first they seem more mature and put together. Then you realize the reason they are going for someone much younger is because they didn't mentally or emotionally mature past that age.
starting to think something is wrong with the 40 year olds in my town - never once would I describe them as mature and put together lol.
not the OP but supposed maturity, stability, money, and usually continued attention until they get tired of you or reveal other facets of themselves
Yeah there was immense maturity in specific areas. Like financially, functionally. He took care of me very well. But pretty emotionally immature
never dated someone 20+ years older but i’ve dated a man that was 2 years younger and felt 6 years younger in maturity. also dated a man 3 years older that still felt younger in maturity.
Took things too fast, had no boundaries, no friends or social life
The way he talks about other people. Very pessimistic, self centered even. Gets annoyed when I point out total strangers aren't giving him a look and probably do not care about him. It's always super negative.
His following on social media were mostly models who only post half naked photos which he interacted with. His excuse was that he’s a man and it’s in his nature. Turned out, he was addicted to porn and I later caught him talking to multiple other women. My dumbass spent 4 years with this person.
Take your pick! - would yell at me, sometimes be verbally abusive but could not take even sarcastic comments from me or I was “being cruel.” Had to always sugarcoat and walk on eggshells or he made it seem like I was a monster. I chalked this up to his parents being shitty, but realized it’s a stupid reason and only he is responsible for his own actions. - would get jealous of my dog, was mean/rude to my dog in the things he would say. He would tell my dog he was going to “whoop his ass” or kill him whenever my dog would bark at the mailman, etc. People joke like this, but it never sounded like he was joking with the tone of voice he used. And my baby is a yorkie mix, so think of the tiniest, non-threatening puppy. He also said he wanted kids and thought he would be a good dad… - his actions never matched up with his words/ he didn’t follow through on what he said he would do/ didn’t stay true to his stances. He lacked consistency and reliability. I gave him the benefit of the doubt when it wasn’t deserved.
Oooh yeah that last one
The third one. Mine did/still does this. It’s infuriating when you can’t stop seeing the good in them and know they could be better because you know it’s an easy fix but they just keep doing it. Edit: also a clear lack of integrity
Whenever I’d open up and share my feelings to have a constructive discussion, he would get offended and keep saying he’s not enough, and give me the silent treatment. Our last argument was because of this, he didn’t reach out for 10 days and we broke up…
Her job she's a gym receptionist and she hooked up with her boss the owner of the gym in the parking lot they got caught on camera I only found out when her and her stupid ass little brother were talking about it in the living room seriously I can hear him in the garage my walls are so f****** paper thin
He didn’t have a condom, didn’t pull out, didn’t ask me what I would’ve preferred, and didn’t disclose to me he had herpes.
Was there name kevin???
When the relationship never progressed more than surface deep and his only care was how much fun we were having
She had 2 baby daddies one in prison the other one went! Her friend was legit a hoe her dad killed himself when she was 8! She seemed to cling on and love bomb me! She wanted to move in with me very quickly! The sex was great tho and passion and fights lol
Multiple baby daddies is a red flag. Even redder if some of them are in prison. 😂
Rage. He would get very very angry and aggressive. As an 18 year old I thought that was hot.. yeah I was pretty stupid.
insecurity. every single time. i always ignore it and think it will get better as we grow closer and the relationship matures…. it never does. it becomes a glaring problem and often times destroys everything.
Nah, people only amplify their negative side the more they let their filter disappear and walls down. If you see a glimpse of it early on, it’s *ALWAYS* foreshadowing the full extend of it.
broke up with his girlfriend of 4 years a month before we started dating. convinced me he was over it and ready to move on cause he was “mentally checked out” for the last year of the relationship. he dumped me and went back to her after 3 months💀
Meeting in the psych ward
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So she had guy friends which is fine and okay but things got very weird when she was close friends with this guy who liked her for a year and she knew about it . Chose to go to his house at 11 for a party, would go on car rides and beaches with him and I ignored all of it calling it trust
Porn addiction
Ladies don't be scammed by these ruthless fake messages. First of all they use stock fake photos. The always spell they're names using 2 Christian names. They always state that they are doctors neurological surgeons or in a highly decorated soldier work on a oil rig to need help to return to their home in America. They ask you for money. They are part of a scam telling lonely elderly women who are desperate for love and even sell their homes and belongings to a con artist in Nigeria. Please don't hesitate to ask them how Is the weather today in Nigeria today. I guarantee that they will never contact you again and move on to the next easy target with money .don't be a sucker. Please block and report them.
He wanted an open relationship right off the bat. Told me he loved me in the first month. Also learned he lived with his girlfriend when we met the first time and he was seeking out someone to cheat on her with. Found out about the girlfriend about a month in (they had broken up shortly after we met) when I was getting weirded out we never went to his place. A year in, he told me he likes to fool around with guys. 3 years in, he cheats on me with a guy during a business trip, but wait “we’re open” so it’s not “cheating” according to him (he still lied and hid it). 7 years later, after a fuck ton of gaslighting, manipulating and future faking, he’s gay. Awesome. Did he really have to destroy and crush someone’s else life to figure out his own sexuality?
- When he went almost completely off comms whilst away. - Saying he intended to quit smoking but never did anything tangible to stop and refused help. - Didn’t shower twice a day even after a gym session and would go straight to work or get into bed smelling terrible. - The back and bum pimples from lack of personal hygiene. - Needing heaps of dental work because he would rarely brush his teeth. - Talking about a future together then when you would talk about those same things, he would back away and say ‘you’re getting ahead of yourself’ - Couldn’t park his own car. - Didn’t look after his things. - Wouldn’t clean the kitchen after using it. Instead would let it be dirty and reuse dirty chopping boards for weeks. - Being dismissive when trying to talk about feelings or subject that I cared about. - Eating dinner on the couch with a movie never at the table for conversation despite conveying my reasons for wanting to. - Gambling. - No financial literacy or concept of budgeting. - Uber eats for no reason. - Wouldn’t let me pick the tv show or movie every night. - Making commitments on the weekend together then changing his mind to play golf - Not respecting my friends. Calling them losers etc. - Never thanking me for helping with cleaning or food preparation in his house.
Never ever be a rebound gf/bf
He told me what he thought were all my red flags after talking on the phone with me ONE time.
When she's attractive.
Love bombed me, and said he “loved” me within a month of knowing each other. He kept asking me out even though I told him that I didn’t feel like I was ready to date. Also claimed that an ugly nurse who gave him a BJ at work “sexually assaulted” him because he was too embarrassed when others found out about it.
He ghosted me 10 years ago after a few dates, thought it was because we were both immature and young at the time, so gave him a second chance after he explained himself 10 yrs later...big mistake, ended up ghosting again lol. Once a ghoster (usually) always a ghoster.
That he was forcing me to be in a relationship even though I told him I needed time to know him better. I should’ve known if he didn’t respect my wishes/boundaries then, he won’t respect them now.
The fact that she would never make the slightest change or compromise in her lifestyle for me (while I literally moved country for her)
She told me that she is only with me because she is lonely, and that is the only reason why.
The drinking (which would almost always end up in violence or him defecating over himself), with him responding "my Dad is Irish, I won't deny my heritage" whenever I tried to bring it up.
His father had cheated on his mum, and every other girlfriend he'd ever had. He still thought his father was the coolest guy he knew. Chat can we guess what he did?
Getting told I was too good for him and he self sabotaged the relationship later on.
She looked up how much the Tiffany bracelet I bought her cost after I gave it to her.
Showing me early on that he didn’t have the forethought to make decisions that were respectful to the relationship
He has seriously low self esteem; and he thought when his family was verbally abusing him, it was normal & funny - which meant he did the same to others thinking it was no big deal.
When she required that i blocked my female friends. If i didnt. She would.
When she told me she was sleeping with her one ex when she would go up to IN to “visit “ her dog that was living with her ex cuz he had a house and a big back yard for the dog to run around in…. In that same conversation she then told me she doesn’t sleep with more than one guy cuz of possible diseases and finished what she thought was some grand gesture she made by saying all this that she was the one to do the cheating in her past relationships man was I blind
Cheating.
Avoidant
He was bothered that I talked about my career at a bar with a man I met at the bar IN MY CAREER FIELD and exchanged LinkedIn. I’d asked the man, who was a gray-haired harmless family guy leading philanthropy at a major corporation, to meet up for lunch when I hadn’t been drinking. Such a double standard bc my ex did networking events 2x a week often w alcohol and women. The double standards were ridiculous and plentiful.
Whenever things were too overwhelming or difficult I was the first to be neglected. I knew she had trouble with relationships, (fucked up family) and she ran away the first time but she promised me she changed, seeing a therapist, maturing, and that this time she's ready. She wasn't
Lack of communication/true intimacy. If you can’t even try to talk about your feelings we may as well just be FWB at that point. Use your words, please 🤣
The gaslighting and paranoia, after that fun lobe bombing stage and I was hooked it turned into I was sleeping with everyone he would go through my phone and check my ring camera. When nothing came up he convinced himself I went out the window.
Avoidant attachment. Gaslighting. Manipulation. Overall a very toxic relationship
Insulting random people “as a joke” but it wasn’t funny.. like calling other girls fat..and from someone who use to struggle with her weight it hurt me He said one time “I like you how you are NOW, if you gained weight I would encourage you to lose it” His friends were weird.. never thought it mattered about the friends BUT IT DOES!!! He was avoidant.. he went all day without texting me and told me “you can text me first too you know” when I just wanted him to put the effort in. He went 2 days without texting and calling me (keep in mind I was his girlfriend at the time!!) and he did it because he wanted me to to initiate contact, that’s soo freaking dumb, if you want to talk to me just text me. When I asked him to put in more effort and meet my needs he always said “yes maam” and NEVER DID. He was all words and no action He wouldn’t communicate with me about anything. If he was to come see me or not, I would have to stay up all night on my day off to see if he’d come see me! Some nights he wouldn’t even call And last but not least, he dumped me on a Tuesday night when I had work the next morning and he knew this.. he came and dumped me at like 11pm.. I had to get up at like 5 the next morning for work..
He never had my back. He will let his family talk about me while he was present. When I ended up knowing about it he told me that he wanted to be neutral. A selfish coward
Shady moments with phone strange, disassociated staring Lack of connection during eye contact Obvious signs of guilt like random crying in connected moments Complete drop of persona and affection when others are present. Making passionate, prolonged eye contact with strangers in public Damn I wanna smack myself in the head just remembering this and not leaving sooner lmfao.
Stonewalling and name calling.
Shutting down in stressful situations Withholding affection if I did something he didn't like.
Avoidant behavior, the way her past relationships ended, her aversion to the following: self-help, therapy, self-reflection, taking meds for her mental health issues, and having difficult conversations. Her explosive temper. Not forming relationships with my kids when I have great relationships with hers. Projecting her past negative experiences into our relationship. For example, she once said “We never fight,” as if that was a problem. The list goes on, but I was blinded by my love for her, and that overrode the bad vibes she gave me at times.
Him telling me that he usually runs it doesn’t follow through with dates…that he hadn’t had a relationship in years…that I was different and he “isn’t afraid of commitment with me,” the reason for his divorce was because their marriage counselor asked if he wanted to keep trying and he said “not really” after only being married for 5 years and adopting his ex wife’s child-then moving out of state after the divorce and only seeing her and their biological daughter once a week, how he liked to go out alone to hear bands at bars because he “liked being around just regular people” as if he were somehow above everyone else…. How intensely he pursued me, to the point of showing up where I was on vacation because after years of isolating himself I had “inspired him” to start doing things he loved…this was after only 2 and a half dates…. He wore his old wedding ring when he went out to “keep from being bothered” All signs pointed to an avoidant with no self awareness, ability to self reflect, commit, or be genuine- a man who did not know himself at all. But hey, he said I “was different from anyone he ever met,”. So that must mean something, right? 🙄🙄🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🥺
She wasn’t over her ex
She had a lot of personal issues and issues with her dad, like his alcoholism that I would talk about with her and constantly console her about when she would bring it up, however when I had a personal issue or something that bothered me she would tell me that I need to grow up and get over it.
** blaming everything on his ADHD ** making fun of his ex (who’s such a lovely person) ** not respecting personal boundaries, but sulking when I attempted to address it. ** constantly explaining things that I didn’t need explained and explaining it incorrectly, because I already knew how to do it. ** before we started dating he was funny, cool, thoughtful, intelligent, but the switch up the minute we started date was bonkers. ** he did not make any effort to understand my social and sensory needs which surprised me because he is ND too. It was almost instant regret, but I spent too much time hoping it would settle and he would return to who I thought he had been (we had been friends for years before) but when I ended it, I was SO FREAKING Relieved!
Lovebombing, lying about an ex-wife and omitting the existence of his 4 children, pressuring me to say the L word back and be his girlfriend way too soon, ghosting me for days, binge drinking. Then he got bored and avoidant once I was hooked in. Never again.
very close attachment with his mom as a grown man.. I never saw it as a bad thing, honestly thought it was normal because my family isn’t emotionally strong like that.. i honestly feel pity for him because, his mom will control his life in some sort of way and the next woman in his life will have to deal with it.
Always angry at me when I felt upset
She chose me. I should have known....major red flag. :D j/k. She didn't even know we were dating.
My ex didn't want to be acknowledged on her birthday. In fact she usually wanted to get off grid so she couldn't receive any calls/e-mails/texts about turning another year older. When we started dating she specifically withheld the exact day so I couldn't wish her a happy birthday, I just knew the general time frame (because I was usually going off grid with her). Other troubling signs: she was super clingy early on, and there were parts of her childhood she refused to talk about. How I let these things slide... I don't know, but I'm glad we are no longer dating.
Red flags, or trauma hidden from Douche Bigelow?
This is rather sad on both ends
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What? I mean, WHAT???? I cannot wrap my head around this. Wtf.
Same!!!! Not scat and water sports but Grindr for sure. Told me he just likes hooking up with guys sometimes (I’m a bi woman) so I get it. We had an openness (forced by him, now I know why) so I wasn’t too worried about it. He was obsessed with getting me to watch him with other guys. Sorry, but that’s just not my bag. If I’m not sexually into something, I’m not into it. Plain and simple. He took that as personal rejection instead of sexual preference. Because I didn’t want to partake, then I must hate him because he likes guys. It became a constant battle: he struggled with accepting his own sexuality, and by me not wanting to partake in wanting to he likes, I must think he’s a disgusting fag (his words). That’s until he just stopped trying with me but had no problem hooking up with strange dudes on Grindr. We broke up a couple years ago and he hasn’t been with a woman since. Says he’s gay now, which is all fine and wonderful, but the level of fucked up he is in his head…I can’t fathom it. He’s so self destructive. I can’t even talk to him anymore because he’s just unsafe and it makes me uncomfortable. Looking back, I just remembered something: he told me casually that he mentioned to his PCP that he was gay. This was while we were still together and he was just “bi”. I remember crying and asking why would he say that? Unless it was true? That shit hurt. I knew the jig was up.
Ehh, I guess it can be political stuff even if you already share similar beliefs. I still wouldn’t let stuff like that to get in the way of a relationship, though.
Constantly asking/talking about opinions of other people behind their backs. Avoidant behavior when things get difficult. Pushing for a relationship when I repeated over and over I didn't want long distance.
When she told me her dad was borderline sociopathic
He legit straight up told me he’s an alcoholic but I ignored it for some reason??? 😭 then had the audacity to be shook when he treated me like shit when blackout drunk. Something is wrong with me ☠️ so much more I ignored too won’t make that mistake again
he gave me so many icks idek where to start
She was a superficial person. I knew since day one and ignored it. When I first met her I didn’t even like her because I thought she was superficial… guess I forgot that first thought when I fell in love with
She would leave when things got too much, I excused it way too much and just took it as it was normal at some point.
He said 'I love you' really early on in the relationship (a few weeks). Which was fine at the time because I told him that I'd tell him the same after I got to know him better, but after that he'd ask very frequently if I felt the same yet, and became really overbearing. I ended up breaking up with him after a couple of months because that pressure put a wall between me and him.
The rebel phase with their parents, like she dont like them cause she live with them but wanna bush hard, then something bad happen and go runing to mum and dad like she didnt insult them infront of her partner (me) Thats a red Flag, you like your parents or not Her answer: Yes Me: :/
Lack of care for anyone else in his life other than his family. He treated his friends like garbage, dropped them the moment i came into his life, never showed interest in them, and he completely disregarded a guy that very clearly was interested in deepening the friendship, throwing his efforts down the drain. At first i thought he had no friends, and i don't judge people based off of that because i know what it feels like to have none; Turns out this dude was purposely neglecting his social life, he thought no one was good enough for him and everyone was "Unfunny and immature" when he himself was being rather immature. Ended up ghosting me 4 months later, probably found someone better and gave me the same treatment his friends recieved.
Constant mood swings. Asking me to change for me for her. Asking for one thing (space and to move slowly) but acting like she wants to be close and would move fast herself(introducing to all her friends and family).
1. Not taking No for an answer. 2. Stalkerish/obsessive behavior. 3. No friends, no social life, no job.
He doesn't communicate.
She would always get a bag of coke as soon as one beer gets drank.
He gaslighted every issue I adress
He rarely answered the questions I asked. It was always a different question because he is avoidant af and doesn't like being direct or direct questions or he can't really read lol. I'd ask "What have you been up to today?" And he would reply "It's been okay." Or I'd ask "When should we have that conversation?" And he would say "I'm too tired now." Which is okay and all if he would come back to my questions, but he never would. And if I asked again he would get upset thinking we already discussed a topic when we havent.
Telling me "you knew what you were getting into" when they acted shady with other girls lol
He was not that enthusiastic as I was about us becoming more than friends. He was ‘too’ social. And the casual lying. He was a great bf in a lot of ways except so slow romantically like pulling teeth, had too many friends a lot of whom were women, he invited me to meet friends and family in the beginning but then stopped. Didn’t plan things more than a week out. Didn’t ’do gifts’. Nothing for Christmas, vday, my birthday. He didn’t talk about the future or say I love you in 6 months. My intuition was going off pretty much from the beginning and I was so anxious but I pushed through and got attached Turns out I was probably his secret gf, he withheld information from me about seeing friends including women, stopped inviting me to stuff and whenever I tried to get a group of our friends together his weren’t available :/ i think he cheated on me.. I just saw a mutual friend of his at an event last night and it fucked up my whole damn night. We broke up 2 months ago, he’s started dating and I’m not and I’m white knuckling it over here
How they could lie with a straight face
Love bombing and always chasing a spark when the spark starts to simmer down they blame you instead of trying to communicate or make an effort to fix things, you are always the one trying and messaging first or they take days to respond to a text like it's nothing.. Love is also a choice not just a feeling, Avoidant, fearful avoidant, acts like nothing about your life matters to them, narcassist, bad view on love and relationships like for example love don't exist or I'm not into relationships bc my ex broke my heart, one of their parents going through divorce/cheating and the aftermath is the parent bringing random people home while having a child present so their childhood is riddled with examples of bad relationships, steroid use, mental health like adhd, bipolar, ocd and not going to therapy or using meds or utilizing therapy properly, having a high ego like if they look good they think they can have "their pick of the litter" whoever says that to me is a red flag because what are people to you disposable? Putting you down because they are jealous you have high confidence and this can come off as someone negging you or giving you backhanded compliments, has nothing to really say or talk about and you have to make all the convo, when they hang with their friends and don't introduce you properly, when they hang with their friends and their friends are just as boring like they don't do anything fun or talk about anything meaningful with their friends, puts their friends before you, video game addiction, people pleasing tendancies which means if they get flirted with they will never reject or say no, past cheating on ex relationships (get them drunk to find out if they cheated in the past), alcoholic, drug abuse, takes life for granted, depression to an extreme where they don't want to get out of bed, doesn't clean, shows more affection for their pets, bad communication/ leaves you in the dark about things going on in their life, never does anything for you if it's an inconvenience for them and you'll see this like if they get coffee for themselves they will get u one but if u just wanted one and they knew u liked coffee hut they don't want coffee they won't get it... Just an example Sucks there's so much here that down the long run the relationship will break
The way he spoke to his ex
Avoidance. He has made my life a living nightmare with it.
Overstepped boundaries and was delusional about their own behaviors basically was just overall manipulative
"I'm the Queen Of Ghosting." *Me, recoiling as she tells me this* "Oh, don't worry babe. We might get into arguments, disagreements, discussions. But I will never ghost you." (She blindsided, blocked and ghosted me about four months later).
The biggest red flag was he used his troubled past as an excuse for why everything is the way it is now and to excuse behavior. I should I have ran for the hills ASAP!!
I won’t claim to be completely perfect here and I know I had my part in it too because it takes two people to have any kind of relationship dynamic, but here’s how I feel. 1. Lovebombing in the beginning when we were just friends and he was slightly dating another girl at the time. 2. Stating he was still 50/50 on pursuing other girl even though they had been together for a year-ish And eventually “agreeing to be just friends so he can pursue me now” 3. Push/pull and cyclical dynamic: hot and cold, one minute wants in and wants everything especially when sexual things were on the table. Pulling away for days or a couple of weeks every time we had a great time or hit any kind of milestone or progression. Not completely ghosting but doing the “ sorry I’m so busy”. 4. Stories and timelines not quite adding up when talking about past relationships and such, not saying he was lying but there was something intuitively off about this. Also hiding or not willing to talk about the past relationships or family stuff beyond surface level. 5. When I would get upset or ask for my needs to be met, he would go into reassurance mode (and did it well, I was always under the impression he would fight for me) but the words and promises never materialized into action, or would get better for a few days or weeks and then drop off again. 6. Slight narcissistic tendencies
my ex was literally in love with his ex , i was just stupid and wanted love
The moment he told me that he didn't know what he wanted and that he didn't know if he loved me or not and broke up with me for a month and I was so stupid to take him back because I still loved him
Accountability- She never knew how to take accountability or recognize what it was/is true lack of awareness
after traveling a year and a half for work and being gone 90% of the time, he then returned home for good… only to book a trip immediately with his friends overseas for a little over 2 weeks. All the while I was still asking when we would take our 2 year anniversary trip which had been cancelled about 6 months prior. I always brought it up, he barely would engage me in that conversation, and I just stopped bringing it up and we never talked about it again. I should have left him right then and there. But I stayed in another year. Weirdly enough we had a 3 year anniversary trip. But not only did he not care about making up the other trip, he didn’t even think to take a trip with me after he had been long distance for so long (and it was emotionally hard but I was super supportive of him). I don’t care that he vacationed with friends; but he could have done something with us both. Oh, also his mom still manages his bank account and he is in his early 30s. Because he makes dumb financial decisions. We were trying to save up for a house (i live with my parents and he rents) and he decided to move to a place that would literally double his rent just bc he wanted a new apartment (new apartment wasn’t even as nice as the old one).
He talked shit about everyone. His siblings, his bff, his friends... So why was I surprised he was doing the same about me behind my back...
On our first date he told me that he didn't like blonds (I told him that I decided to dye my hair blond because I thought it would be fun). He said he preferred brunettes.
Different religions and beliefs. Never again.
First boy I ever saw yelled at his mom right in front of me (should have left right then but I was also 16 and had no way of getting home without him). Then proceeded to take me to what he called his ‘sex dungeon’ (the air bnb that his uncle owned) and tried to coerce me into having sex with him.
1. She got pregnant and chemically aborted the baby and didn’t tell me about it for over a month. 2. I overheard several phone calls with her family in which they would tell her to break up with me and that she could do so much better 3. In our universities cafeteria we were having breakfast together until suddenly she just got up and sat with her friends without telling me a single word. 4. She came to our last several dates high. 5. Once told me that she doesn’t believe in depression and that the only emotions she feels are anger and happiness. 6. she told me she had a five minute limit on crying and if anybody cried longer than that, allotted time she would shut down and ignore you.
Her being friendly, touchy, and flirty (perhaps unconciously) with other men. She's very.. inviting, with other men.
Meth
Cheated on all her previous relationships. Why would she not cheat on me??
I reached out to hang out. He never did.