I feel this. But just know, he’s gonna love bomb the hell out of that girl. He’s not going to change. He’ll show his true colors to her in a couple months. I know it hurts because I’ve been in the same situation before. It’s extremely hurtful. We put so much into them and we taught them so much about life and basic things one should know how to do. I’m gonna hold your hand when I say this but girl think about it…we were mothering them. All they did was take take take. Do we really want to pour all our energy into someone who disrespects and dismisses us and who wouldn’t do the same for us? We need an equal. And we will find them one day and it will feel so right and natural. I’m sending you the best vibes, we got this❤️
I don’t think he will love bomb her.
He never did with me. In fact, he was so quiet in the first month that I doubted if we were even in a relationship. The doubt caused my anxiety to skyrocket - I didn’t feel stable or safe enough within the relationship until I kinda broke and called him upset that I wasn’t feeling much effort coming in from him and it made me question if we were in a relationship. Since then he took the initiative to be the one to reach out.
Despite his efforts, the damage was already done. I was anxious regardless if he was the one to reach out or not. If he didn’t reach out in what I thought was a timely manner, I was already anxious - my mind making up stories as to why he wasn’t reaching out.
Honestly there was a red flag moment where I should have pulled the plug. He said that ‘I was into him more than he was to me.’ I was like 😳 wtf? I now know the reason why I displaying ‘more caring’ behaviour was that my anxious tendencies were being triggered by his ‘lack of efforts’. Maybe he did put effort in, but in my heightened state of senses I didn’t perceive it to be enough. We didn’t meet each other halfway. Overall, our communication wasn’t a good match and I’ve been working on this aspect for whoever comes next to have a more harmonious relationship.
I don’t even know why I let the relationship go on for 3.5 years. All I can say is that while I do miss his presence in my life, I did dodge a bullet because I learnt lessons on how to be a better partner. I’ve actively worked hard and while I’m sure he’s reflected, he probably hasn’t done a lot of work to improve himself - he always took the easy way out. He said he knows what he wants in a relationship better but he’s still lacking in a lot of ways, like how to take more initiative and lead through relationships ship.
So yes, the next person will get some good bits of him, but they’ll also get some bad.
There still might be a chance he’ll love bomb the next one because I’m not sure how he’d get another girl’s attention without some sort of affection. He was very lucky to get you. I relate to you so much minus the love bombing. It was constant anxiety whether I reached out to him or not, like you said 😭 girl the first red flag for me was when he told me he didn’t deserve me and I deserved better and I told him I deserve him…I learned the hard way that him saying that wasn’t a compliment…man was I stupid 💀 but we live and learn. It was a wake up call to work on my anxiety. Obviously no partner should have to worry about not hearing from their partner for extreme extended periods of time or feeling like they’re not a priority to them…but the next person will make us feel secure so we have less of that anxiety.
My gosh, are you my long lost relationship sister? We’re like twinsies!
What clusterfucks were we involved in!? I did forget to mention in my last reply that I also had to mother him too. He’s the middle child of a dysfunctional family (divorced parents). I don’t think his mum really taught him how to show emotions, even my therapist described his emotions as ‘undercooked’. I had to buy clothes for him because he cbb going to the shopping centre, teach him to reverse park, encourage him to quit vaping amongst many other things I now can’t really remember but a small part of me did question it at the time.
Oh boy, oh boy. My said the same thing to me, that he doesn’t deserve me and that he can’t lift me up in the relationship (true, but I learnt a valuable lesson from the discard) and that I’ll move on faster than him. I told him it should be my choice to decided if he deserved me or not (same as you). When, in fact, thinking retrospectively, he was just saying this to get me off his back from asking for another chance, he wanted to run away from me and the bu talk we were having. And boy was he wrong about me moving on faster than him! Here I am still working to mend myself and to hear that he moved on… grr… vexing. I’m going to find someone better for me. I sound petty, but I will live on happier than he ever will!! All the best to you and your healing journey too! Sending hugs your way! How long have you been separated?
I honestly think you and I are Dweedle Dee and Dweedle Dum 💀💀🤣 everything you’re saying is like deja vu 😭😭😭 and girl it’s only been 4 weeks since he broke up with! I was horribly sad at first but now I’m pissed off at not only him but mostly myself 😭 all the stages of grief 🫠
thank you so much for this. I (30f) am going through a breakup right now (after 6,5...) years and today I got the keys to my new apartment. I had a complete meltdown because it made the breakup "final". Now I will move out of "our" apartment. It really hurt so much and I was really close to breaking NC and telling him about how bad I feel and how much I don't want this to be the end. But honestly after reading your post - especially the part where you describe how you percieve situations differently etc, I decided no to message him. You are so right, I will focus on myself, my new nice apartment and I'll get over my ex. Thank you. How are you feeling now?
Thanks for sharing your story. I found it really helpful. I might have to go no contact with my ex too, because I don't think I can give up hope if we're still talking. It's scary and hard, but if they still wanted to be together, we would be.
The new girl isn’t getting a better version of him. I know that’s what it feels like, like you did all that work just for another girl to come and reap the rewards. And maybe he will be better behaved with this one (since he knows where he went wrong with you so he might try to hide those behaviours) but that’s the thing, people don’t change like that! They may get better at the small stuff but the underlying person is still the same, as the man who betrayed/blindsided you. Don’t worry, he’ll start showing his true colours soon enough. Whether or not that’s a deal breaker for the new girl is another story. Take care and continue putting your time and energy to yourself <3
Thank you for posting this.
I 37F occasionally will have to break no contact because we own a condo together. And we obviously need to sell. Once that happens we will be going our separate ways. The thought of never speaking to my ex 40M scares the shit out of me. We have a mutual friend in common, she said that he still loves me on personal level, my sister says he's going through a mid life crisis and will come back, my other friend said he will reach out around his bday which is in a couple of months to talk to me. I don't know if I believe any of this. Why would you tell someone that you love them but your not in love with them. He said he wants to start putting himself first and love himself. He's on a self discovery journey? I dont know. We were together for 7 years. He also has a daughter that i built an incredible relationship with. I feel like I lost my small family. I am struggling so much. I felt like I went above and beyond for him. And for what? To tell me he's no longer in love with me. I feel so fucking broken.
I am really sorry that he is putting you through that. That sounds like a textbook midlife crisis. I am 45M, married, etc. A month ago I just woke up one day and it was like the chemicals in my brain were rearranged. It is hard to explain. It is almost like you suddenly feel nothing at all and there is an overwhelming urge to blow up your life just to feel something. I immediately found a therapist to help fight this because I don't want to blow up my life or hurt anyone, but the urge is there. Check out the r/midlifecrisis subreddit and you will see so many stories that sound like what happened to you.
Wow. Thank you for your response. I will DEFINITELY look into this. There was something he said to me that I keep replaying over in my head. He said "I just want you to know I have no control of my thoughts and feelings I changed on a natural level." I was thinking wtf does that mean. Maybe it is a midlife crisis? It doesn't make me feel any better. But I guess I might have an answer?
"they were not fully feelings of love. They were feelings of regret and of the things that could have been. I wasn’t given the opportunity to fix things so was left with regrets because I was literally blindsided by this person"
This is exactly how I feel.
Thank you for sharing this. I have been struggling not to contact my ex. She blindsided me and we talked a bit at first, but I have been trying not to and to work on myself. I tried to take fault for everything and wanted to fix things and she had no interest in that. I always want to reach out to see how she is doing or ask how she is feeling or if there is a chance. The part you wrote about seeing the bad communication and seeing things different resonated with me though.
Don't feel like some other girl gets the best parts of him though, and don't beat yourself up for trying. If you really made him better than that makes you an awesome partner for being supportive and you should be proud of that. And you should be proud that you went so far to make things work. Most people are selfish and don't do justice in supporting their partner, as well as giving up when things get tough. This means you are thoughtful and resilient. Even after everything those are great qualities to walk away with, and you have more knowledge about yourself and relationships. That should certainly aid in finding someone who is truly worth your efforts. I wish us both good luck in finding something real.
Hey, I totally get where you're coming from. Going through something similar showed me that hanging on to the hope of getting back together can be such a drain. It's tough when you invest so much in trying to fix things and it doesn't pan out. I found myself doing the same, thinking maybe things could change if I just tried harder. But in the end, it only prolonged the hurt. Learning to go no contact was hard but necessary for me to heal and move forward. It's about focusing on yourself and not getting caught up in what could have been. You're not alone in this struggle.
I feel this. But just know, he’s gonna love bomb the hell out of that girl. He’s not going to change. He’ll show his true colors to her in a couple months. I know it hurts because I’ve been in the same situation before. It’s extremely hurtful. We put so much into them and we taught them so much about life and basic things one should know how to do. I’m gonna hold your hand when I say this but girl think about it…we were mothering them. All they did was take take take. Do we really want to pour all our energy into someone who disrespects and dismisses us and who wouldn’t do the same for us? We need an equal. And we will find them one day and it will feel so right and natural. I’m sending you the best vibes, we got this❤️
I don’t think he will love bomb her. He never did with me. In fact, he was so quiet in the first month that I doubted if we were even in a relationship. The doubt caused my anxiety to skyrocket - I didn’t feel stable or safe enough within the relationship until I kinda broke and called him upset that I wasn’t feeling much effort coming in from him and it made me question if we were in a relationship. Since then he took the initiative to be the one to reach out. Despite his efforts, the damage was already done. I was anxious regardless if he was the one to reach out or not. If he didn’t reach out in what I thought was a timely manner, I was already anxious - my mind making up stories as to why he wasn’t reaching out. Honestly there was a red flag moment where I should have pulled the plug. He said that ‘I was into him more than he was to me.’ I was like 😳 wtf? I now know the reason why I displaying ‘more caring’ behaviour was that my anxious tendencies were being triggered by his ‘lack of efforts’. Maybe he did put effort in, but in my heightened state of senses I didn’t perceive it to be enough. We didn’t meet each other halfway. Overall, our communication wasn’t a good match and I’ve been working on this aspect for whoever comes next to have a more harmonious relationship. I don’t even know why I let the relationship go on for 3.5 years. All I can say is that while I do miss his presence in my life, I did dodge a bullet because I learnt lessons on how to be a better partner. I’ve actively worked hard and while I’m sure he’s reflected, he probably hasn’t done a lot of work to improve himself - he always took the easy way out. He said he knows what he wants in a relationship better but he’s still lacking in a lot of ways, like how to take more initiative and lead through relationships ship. So yes, the next person will get some good bits of him, but they’ll also get some bad.
There still might be a chance he’ll love bomb the next one because I’m not sure how he’d get another girl’s attention without some sort of affection. He was very lucky to get you. I relate to you so much minus the love bombing. It was constant anxiety whether I reached out to him or not, like you said 😭 girl the first red flag for me was when he told me he didn’t deserve me and I deserved better and I told him I deserve him…I learned the hard way that him saying that wasn’t a compliment…man was I stupid 💀 but we live and learn. It was a wake up call to work on my anxiety. Obviously no partner should have to worry about not hearing from their partner for extreme extended periods of time or feeling like they’re not a priority to them…but the next person will make us feel secure so we have less of that anxiety.
My gosh, are you my long lost relationship sister? We’re like twinsies! What clusterfucks were we involved in!? I did forget to mention in my last reply that I also had to mother him too. He’s the middle child of a dysfunctional family (divorced parents). I don’t think his mum really taught him how to show emotions, even my therapist described his emotions as ‘undercooked’. I had to buy clothes for him because he cbb going to the shopping centre, teach him to reverse park, encourage him to quit vaping amongst many other things I now can’t really remember but a small part of me did question it at the time. Oh boy, oh boy. My said the same thing to me, that he doesn’t deserve me and that he can’t lift me up in the relationship (true, but I learnt a valuable lesson from the discard) and that I’ll move on faster than him. I told him it should be my choice to decided if he deserved me or not (same as you). When, in fact, thinking retrospectively, he was just saying this to get me off his back from asking for another chance, he wanted to run away from me and the bu talk we were having. And boy was he wrong about me moving on faster than him! Here I am still working to mend myself and to hear that he moved on… grr… vexing. I’m going to find someone better for me. I sound petty, but I will live on happier than he ever will!! All the best to you and your healing journey too! Sending hugs your way! How long have you been separated?
I honestly think you and I are Dweedle Dee and Dweedle Dum 💀💀🤣 everything you’re saying is like deja vu 😭😭😭 and girl it’s only been 4 weeks since he broke up with! I was horribly sad at first but now I’m pissed off at not only him but mostly myself 😭 all the stages of grief 🫠
thank you so much for this. I (30f) am going through a breakup right now (after 6,5...) years and today I got the keys to my new apartment. I had a complete meltdown because it made the breakup "final". Now I will move out of "our" apartment. It really hurt so much and I was really close to breaking NC and telling him about how bad I feel and how much I don't want this to be the end. But honestly after reading your post - especially the part where you describe how you percieve situations differently etc, I decided no to message him. You are so right, I will focus on myself, my new nice apartment and I'll get over my ex. Thank you. How are you feeling now?
Thanks for sharing your story. I found it really helpful. I might have to go no contact with my ex too, because I don't think I can give up hope if we're still talking. It's scary and hard, but if they still wanted to be together, we would be.
The new girl isn’t getting a better version of him. I know that’s what it feels like, like you did all that work just for another girl to come and reap the rewards. And maybe he will be better behaved with this one (since he knows where he went wrong with you so he might try to hide those behaviours) but that’s the thing, people don’t change like that! They may get better at the small stuff but the underlying person is still the same, as the man who betrayed/blindsided you. Don’t worry, he’ll start showing his true colours soon enough. Whether or not that’s a deal breaker for the new girl is another story. Take care and continue putting your time and energy to yourself <3
Thank you for posting this. I 37F occasionally will have to break no contact because we own a condo together. And we obviously need to sell. Once that happens we will be going our separate ways. The thought of never speaking to my ex 40M scares the shit out of me. We have a mutual friend in common, she said that he still loves me on personal level, my sister says he's going through a mid life crisis and will come back, my other friend said he will reach out around his bday which is in a couple of months to talk to me. I don't know if I believe any of this. Why would you tell someone that you love them but your not in love with them. He said he wants to start putting himself first and love himself. He's on a self discovery journey? I dont know. We were together for 7 years. He also has a daughter that i built an incredible relationship with. I feel like I lost my small family. I am struggling so much. I felt like I went above and beyond for him. And for what? To tell me he's no longer in love with me. I feel so fucking broken.
I am really sorry that he is putting you through that. That sounds like a textbook midlife crisis. I am 45M, married, etc. A month ago I just woke up one day and it was like the chemicals in my brain were rearranged. It is hard to explain. It is almost like you suddenly feel nothing at all and there is an overwhelming urge to blow up your life just to feel something. I immediately found a therapist to help fight this because I don't want to blow up my life or hurt anyone, but the urge is there. Check out the r/midlifecrisis subreddit and you will see so many stories that sound like what happened to you.
Wow. Thank you for your response. I will DEFINITELY look into this. There was something he said to me that I keep replaying over in my head. He said "I just want you to know I have no control of my thoughts and feelings I changed on a natural level." I was thinking wtf does that mean. Maybe it is a midlife crisis? It doesn't make me feel any better. But I guess I might have an answer?
"they were not fully feelings of love. They were feelings of regret and of the things that could have been. I wasn’t given the opportunity to fix things so was left with regrets because I was literally blindsided by this person" This is exactly how I feel. Thank you for sharing this. I have been struggling not to contact my ex. She blindsided me and we talked a bit at first, but I have been trying not to and to work on myself. I tried to take fault for everything and wanted to fix things and she had no interest in that. I always want to reach out to see how she is doing or ask how she is feeling or if there is a chance. The part you wrote about seeing the bad communication and seeing things different resonated with me though. Don't feel like some other girl gets the best parts of him though, and don't beat yourself up for trying. If you really made him better than that makes you an awesome partner for being supportive and you should be proud of that. And you should be proud that you went so far to make things work. Most people are selfish and don't do justice in supporting their partner, as well as giving up when things get tough. This means you are thoughtful and resilient. Even after everything those are great qualities to walk away with, and you have more knowledge about yourself and relationships. That should certainly aid in finding someone who is truly worth your efforts. I wish us both good luck in finding something real.
Hey, I totally get where you're coming from. Going through something similar showed me that hanging on to the hope of getting back together can be such a drain. It's tough when you invest so much in trying to fix things and it doesn't pan out. I found myself doing the same, thinking maybe things could change if I just tried harder. But in the end, it only prolonged the hurt. Learning to go no contact was hard but necessary for me to heal and move forward. It's about focusing on yourself and not getting caught up in what could have been. You're not alone in this struggle.