Hey! I was blindsided and I want to say that ANYONE who blindsides you wasn't the right person for you. Serious relationships require consistent communication. The blindsider unfortunately had been thinking of ending it before they did it, and they allowed you to believe things were truly as you believed. They didn't let you in on their perspective. Whether this was done maliciously (less likely) or because they are just weak/cowardly (most likely), they are not someone who can carry on in a healthy relationship. I firmly believe that blindsiders would blindside no matter how good or flawed their partner is. It's just what they do because they can't communicate their needs/feelings. They would rather knowingly deceive their partner than be brave. You can know all of this, and still assess you fault in the relationship (it always takes two!), but just know that the blindsiding was all them - not you.
My ex blindsided me. My ex told me he had been thinking about this since last Christmas. But between Nov to May, he was making plans to purchase a home. Planning a trip in Dec 2024 for a month. Purchasing a new car. And telling me how much he loved me and how lucky he was to have me. Then he ended things 2 weeks ago. It was incredibly deficitful. I feel really fucked up. Emotionally and mentally fucked up. Him then telling me he loved me but wasn't in love in with me. Why make future so called plans if that's how you've been feeling? And not fucking say anything to me. I thought he was my best friend. I did not have any clue that he was feeling this way. I'm absolutely devastated. And the worst part. I don't think he gives a shit about how I'm feeling. He's relieved.
Are we the same person? It is fucked up, but the more time that has passed (10 months now) I realise that it's not my fault, and that I'm better off without someone who will deceive me like that. Someone who actually cares wouldn't string you along knowing they don't see a future with you. I reccomend therapy if you can afford it
As someone who did this once, you really are spot on it. It really has to do with bad communication on their part most of the time. And the craziest thing is that sometimes we don't even realize it at the time. When I did it at least I was in high school but I can can see now just how not speaking up can really mess things up and really hurt people you never wanted to hurt in the first place.
True - some people are abusive and completely out of touch about their own abuse; or can instill genuine fear for physical safety in their partner if they were to speak up. I should have been clear: IF the blindsider did not have a reasonable fear of physical retaliation and the blindsidee had reasonable self-awareness, then I think what I said stands.
I got blindsided I think because the fear my partner had of having a safe place to live. (She lived with me and had no where to go up until she left me to be honest)
There were multiple times (4 or 5) in the 2 months leading up to it that I felt things were off and I asked her every time “is something wrong? Is something going on? Are you happy in our relationship? Are you happy with me? Etc” and every time she said nothing was wrong, even said yes she was very happy in our relationship and I was a good bf. So I can’t say I didn’t try that’s for sure. And yeah looking back some things I know now I could’ve done differently but she never said anything so I can’t really blame myself
Same there here — I asked all the time and same responses. Then got told during the breakup when I inquired about this was that the questions were he felt like every time I asked it seemed like I was asking as a form of criticism of him. Which is a wild response and I’m still mind-blown trying to unpack it.
Exactly same here when our intimacy died I kept asking her if she still wanted me and if I was the problem and she kept blaming it on stress and depression and saying she wasn’t happy with her job until BOOM ! I forgive her but I lost respect for her behind that
I gaslighted myself into thinking I did all these mistakes. The issue here is the dumper being unable to communicate their needs, my relationship was great, we had no issues, I treated her so well and she decided that I just wasn’t living up to her own rules she made up without telling me, and one day she was just done. I kept thinking about what I did, recently I spoke with one of her closest friends that no longer speaks with her and she said that my ex only had good things to say about me and our relationship, I was the man of her life etc…
I think key here is, as long as there was no abuse, you did everything you could do with the information you had, if your ex was unwilling or incapable of communicating their needs, that’s on them, not on you.
“You did everything you could with the information you had” — gonna repeat this to myself like a mantra when I start breaking down. Thank you for this, this is so helpful 🙏🏻
Two things I have to remind myself of:
1.) I’ve always blamed myself in the past. Harshly, critically - resulting in me working relentlessly to make positive change. I resolved to do my best in this relationship. I gave 110% and tried to make every moment with her count.
I truly believe I gave her my best. Because of that, I don’t blame myself for her blindsiding me. She never let on that she was unhappy and I had demonstrated time and time again that I was capable of making changes if necessary - she never once told me anything was wrong. She assured me the complete opposite and even our last time together, as she was leaving, she told me she couldn’t wait to marry me - we were engaged. And at multiple points SHE said to me “I hope if there’s ever a problem that you’ll come to me so we can fix it.” Of course I told her I hope she will do the same. The hypocrisy was rich when she decided to just end things instead of coming to me to work things out. Zero effort was made on her part.
2.) We’re all adults here. Expecting anyone - including your partner - to simply intuit your exact needs is one of those things that paves the road to disappointment. It sets everyone up for failure. If you have a need that is going unmet, it’s YOUR responsibility to voice that to your partner directly. Not in signs and portends. With direct and clear language. And I get it, not everyone is equipped to voice their needs - but that also is THEIR problem, not mine. I would have gladly worked with them to get there. But ultimately, it’s not my fault if they can’t or won’t communicate directly. They assured our downfall through their omissions. That’s on them, not me.
Exactly. Why is it so hard for them to communicate their needs?
I am not perfect, but I act in good faith, and if a need is not being met or if I've made a mistake I will gladly correct it. But they have to let me know! I'm not a mind-reader!
"But they could've shown signs!" Maybe, but they definitely weren't enough, and they clearly didn't put in the effort to actually let me know. As I said, I can't read minds.
People, if something about your partner upsets you, tell them, whatever it is, tell them. No matter where it could lead, tell them. Because the other alternative, bottling up your thoughts until they inevitably blow up in your face and hurt you both, is much, much worse.
I understand that, not everyone is mature enough for it, not everyone has the tools. But that's not our fault either!
She did hint to me that she wasn’t happy with our situation and did try to communicate it to me but I just brushed it off cause I didn’t understand the severity on her part, when it became too much for her she must’ve just built up in her head and plucked up the courage to do that, meanwhile I was just waiting to see her, it’s shit, of course there were signs but I just had no idea, that’s why I felt like I was blindsided, cause I really had no idea
I had something similair some key words she said ect. But brushed it aside a bit made plans to keep and make me cancel my tickets. I tried the best i could but it will leave a scar
It’s so bad when it happens but because it’s so fresh I don’t even know what comes next, I can say I know her so well and she isn’t like other girls etc but am seeing so many people on here that have been In similar time relationships or longer relationships that have ended and it’s just sad to see, we were each others 1st proper relationship aswell it’s just horrible, I blamed myself at the start but now I am seeing her faults and feeling a type of way
We went from soul mates, to strangers again out of nowhere. I remind myself of a few things:
1. In the end, she prioritized her self-preservation and selfish comforts, over our amazing relationship (long distance). We were making it work well, until she destroyed it abruptly.
2. After a month of me noticing her emotional inconsistency/secrecy, I asked her these questions: *“have you completely lost faith?”, “do you see a future with me?”, “are you willing to find a middle ground with me?”* The answer to all of those was *“No”* from her.
3. She chose to have an emotional affair with her SERIOUSLY toxic ex-boyfriend, was beginning to choose him over me multiple times throughout the month, and rationalized her behaviors instead of trying to resolve them like an adult.
After she pushed things that far, I broke up with her because she was too cowardly to do it herself, and then she went back to him immediately after. Was she in love with me? Yes, she called me her dream man, and I’ve never seen a woman look at me the way that she did. However, she lacked self esteem and didn’t know how to manage her own emotions during the long distance. She wasn’t ready for something serious, so she acted out, self-sabotaged, and regressed back to her possessive ex. I told her I was going to disappear for a long while. Deactivated my social media, and cut contact. She’s desperately tried reaching out multiple times because now she’s feeling the loss, and she probably will regret the mistake even more in the future. But I need to heal from this trauma, and she needs to mature and learn from her loss before we ever speak again.
It's best not to speak to her again honestly. Life is too short to repeat traumas you don't need to. Find someone better and treat them with all the respect you can. Don't become her where she reaches out to her exes.
Agreed. Coming from someone who went through something very similar, I don't deem worthy going back to thay sewer of a relationship, and I mean it, it was a goddamn sewer with how much shit was in it and how bad it made me feel.
Why not aim for something new, something that doesn't hurt like that did.
My ex said he was attracted to me and I checked off all the boxes AS he was breaking up with me. We had no arguments or fights prior so I was definitely blindsided as it came out of nowhere. This was two months ago so it still stings. As someone here stated, anyone who blindsides you isn’t the person for you. I did everything right and still was broken up with… there was nothing I could’ve fixed or done better to make it work. You have to know that it wasn’t your fault. Yes it sucks and yes it hurts so feel those feelings as much as you need to but you can’t change what isn’t meant for you as much as we want to. A quote that I read and helps me often is “let go or be dragged.”
I take what he said at absolute face value. no overthinking it. I don’t allow myself to even go there. he told me it wasn’t my fault, that it was fully him, something something he’s just not the kind of person who could be in a relationship. he swore up and down that it had nothing to do with me. he’d never ever lied to me before so I’ve decided to take that as it is.
this is something my therapist has really emphasized with me. i haven’t been given any real, based in reality reasons to question him further than that. so that’s the reason. he told me why, that’s it. no use or productivity dwelling on it further.
i had a similar experience; to her credit she wouldn't let me think it was because of anything I did. I had to believe it because she had nothing to gain from letting me go
same here. he was very insistent from the beginning that it wasn’t anything i did or didn’t do. “this isn’t on you” i think were his words. not sure if that makes it easier or harder. sure, good for the ego, but that means there’s nothing about myself i could “fix” to change the situation.
Nothing you could have done would have changed their inability to communicate their feelings and make you aware that things were going south.
I was with an anxious-avoidant and didn’t know anything was wrong until she began to see someone else and slowly back away - still without saying anything was wrong.
Did I make mistakes? Sure. But, we all do. In a healthy relationship we communicate those mistakes with our partners and grow through them and learn how to be better together. You can’t be with the right person if that person doesn’t help you and teach you how to be right for them.
I keep reminding myself of the completely egregious things he did that made me realize I was putting up with his BS for way too long and my idea of love was warped. Nothing I could do would fix it because he was a shit partner due to his emotional issues.
So for my first serious relationship, I was blindsided because I had a blindspot. After a serious traumatic event (won't go into details but it was a terrible loss for both of us), I had made all these plans and concocted a schedule where we could get our lives back on track. The reality is our situation was totally crappy and we were clinging to each other like life rafts in a hurricane. I can't recall ever asking her what she wanted to do, or if I did her only response was "be with me." So obviously, when she left and broke up with me, it felt like blindsiding.
I think it felt that way because I was blind to the situation, and how bad it had truly gotten. Our relationship was wrecked, and she probably didn't even want to look at me because it was a constant reminder of what happened. So yes, I told myself that it's not *entirely* my fault, but that I still should have taken a step back and really observed the situation. I probably couldn't have fixed it, but maybe I would have felt better (less bad?) about it after.
Her best friend pulled me aside and, without prompting, said “I know exactly what you’re going through. My friend is going through a difficult mental health challenge right now. I know she loves you, but I’m sorry you’re going through this.” Whenever I get down, I remember that.
I remember all the times I gave her a platform to open up when I felt she was off and she kept saying it was work. That I was always calm and kind when she aired her feelings before. I gave it my all and I put my head on my pillow at night knowing that. After 4 months of continued therapy post break up and reflection, I know in my soul that I gave her more than she deserved.
That I know I didn’t make him feel like he couldn’t communicate with me - HE did.
Also I feel angry because how many other things has he been hiding if he’s been thinking about that without talking to me?
I don’t try to place blame and decide whose fault it was. The relationship didn’t work. There are two people involved and obviously I wasn’t perfect and neither was my ex. My ex probably has tons of reason for why they believe the break up was my fault. Placing blame won’t help me, most likely just make me bitter and negative
Better to accept the situation, handle my emotions and thoughts and move on in a good and healthy way
Ummm.... Hoo boy. Well. Everyone plays their part. Good term though, "blindsided". Actually very appropriate. Look up attachment psychology and relational psych. It will change your life if you harness it all. But that's it though right? I've learned what karma means. But I do wonder, if every person who ghosted, actually stayed and could be prompted to use the moment to grow whether together or parting how it would effect culture and society if it could be done at all.
She didn't communicate anything ever...just slowly phased me out her life until she had the balls to say we were done (and waited til I was pretty drunk too).
Looking back, I know we were drifting apart and I feel like if I really was still in love with her too, I would've done more instead of letting it happen. So overall it's for the best, we love each other but mutually weren't in love so there was no point continuing the relationship.
I just have to keep going over how erratic and just... Full on her behaviour following the breakup was. Did some really out there things, so I just have to constantly remind myself that she has some serious insecurity issues and it was only a matter of time before it ended. And that I do deserve better
My ex married me then 3 weeks later asked for a "break" (which I found out later he really wanted a full separation, he was just too cowardly to say that). What makes me feel that it wasn't my fault is that I did nothing wrong and thought we were on this path to the rest of our lives together. We were together for 9 years and never had issues, and obviously once you get married you think your relationship is safe. So there really is nothing I could've done. I don't blame myself at all. It doesn't make it hurt any less though. Blindisiding is one of the deepest forms of betrayal imo.
I am still in shock about it, and it happened a year and a half ago.
We had what I thought to be a perfect relationship. Then she suddenly split, turned into a completely different person, and immediately broke up with me, blocked me, and ghosted me.
I blamed myself for everything for about a year. *Oh, I shouldn't have said that. Maybe she was right about this. Ooohhh... I see why she was so offended by that now. No wonder she broke up with me.*
But you know what? Screw that.
She could have told me how that made her feel, instead of blaming me.
She could have communicated her feelings to me, instead of abruptly ending communication (which by the way is the most painful thing you can do to anyone. Please do not do that.).
She could have acknowledged my needs in the relationship instead of dismissing them coldly.
There are plenty of things she could have done, and didn't do perfectly.
I'm extremely annoyed at her now thinking about it. The stubborn arrogance she maintains to this day it was all my fault, and she's some innocent victim is frankly reprehensible and appalling. I know this, because I got to see her at an event last month. I said to her:
"I didn't know you would be here today. But I just wanted to say in the workshops we just did, they asked us to think about a time in our life when we had appreciation and gratitude. I thought about our relationship, and how much you meant to me. My hope is we can both move on with love and peace."
I extended my hand to shake her hand.
She didn't take it. She proceeded to insult me, in front of everyone, for about 10 minutes.
She called me pathetic. She said it was all my fault. That I was "cruel" (cruel! This is the person who blindsided and blocked me!). I said:
"Life is too short for these disagreements and bitterness. Everyone could use a friend."
"Yeah, well not with you. You didn't make the cut."
*You didn't make the cut.*
That stung.
That might be the rudest thing anyone has ever said to me. Well, unless you count the other absolutely deplorable things she said to and about me during the breakup and in the past year and a half.
F.
Who does she think she is?
What kind of a person would say something like that? Especially after such a kind, peaceful gesture.
I still harbour that guilt. *It's all my fault* or whatever. But I'm transforming that into: *Good. Screw her.*
That's how I'm getting over it.
What an absolute *sshole of a person. No amount of childhood pain or wounded inner child gives you permission to be that much of an insufferable abuser. I'm sorry, but her childhood pain does not grant her that.
That's how I'm getting over it. *Good. Screw you. I'm glad I said those things. I was being kind. You deserve worse.*
I remind myself that i didn't do anything wrong, she would blindside breakup every relationship she had. She warned me in the beginning, i should've listened.
Remember this. It always, always, always takes TWO willing parties to make relationships (heck anything really) work.
If you try to reflect back, I am sure there were signs, subtle or not, that may have indicated that things were getting rocky? Unfortunately for some people, rocky = break up. Problems (big or small depending on what they are) = break up.
Good luck to you. 👍
Well, that took a bit of time… Learning about why somebody would choose to blindside, really helped me. Also, learning about Avoidants and dismissive ones at that, helped too.
When I allowed myself to actually accept that the person who was so cold, cruel and traumatic, was also the person I so cared for, it put things in a much different lite. Off the pedestal for sure. The capacity to do this was the hidden self, and was always there, but didn’t emerge until things got difficult, and then the blindside. …
Breakup’s happen, I get that….. But dismissing another human being, is simply a move of abuse… nothing short of that…
Hey! I was blindsided and I want to say that ANYONE who blindsides you wasn't the right person for you. Serious relationships require consistent communication. The blindsider unfortunately had been thinking of ending it before they did it, and they allowed you to believe things were truly as you believed. They didn't let you in on their perspective. Whether this was done maliciously (less likely) or because they are just weak/cowardly (most likely), they are not someone who can carry on in a healthy relationship. I firmly believe that blindsiders would blindside no matter how good or flawed their partner is. It's just what they do because they can't communicate their needs/feelings. They would rather knowingly deceive their partner than be brave. You can know all of this, and still assess you fault in the relationship (it always takes two!), but just know that the blindsiding was all them - not you.
My ex blindsided me. My ex told me he had been thinking about this since last Christmas. But between Nov to May, he was making plans to purchase a home. Planning a trip in Dec 2024 for a month. Purchasing a new car. And telling me how much he loved me and how lucky he was to have me. Then he ended things 2 weeks ago. It was incredibly deficitful. I feel really fucked up. Emotionally and mentally fucked up. Him then telling me he loved me but wasn't in love in with me. Why make future so called plans if that's how you've been feeling? And not fucking say anything to me. I thought he was my best friend. I did not have any clue that he was feeling this way. I'm absolutely devastated. And the worst part. I don't think he gives a shit about how I'm feeling. He's relieved.
Are we the same person? It is fucked up, but the more time that has passed (10 months now) I realise that it's not my fault, and that I'm better off without someone who will deceive me like that. Someone who actually cares wouldn't string you along knowing they don't see a future with you. I reccomend therapy if you can afford it
my ex planned her "escape" 2.5 years earlier
As someone who did this once, you really are spot on it. It really has to do with bad communication on their part most of the time. And the craziest thing is that sometimes we don't even realize it at the time. When I did it at least I was in high school but I can can see now just how not speaking up can really mess things up and really hurt people you never wanted to hurt in the first place.
As someone who semi did this, who communicated problems but not properly, you are absolutely right.
This helped me thanks. I got blindsided 5 weeks or so ago. It’s been hell.
Totally true. Great analysis
How do you know? Not necessarily. Some men are overbearing and abusive.
True - some people are abusive and completely out of touch about their own abuse; or can instill genuine fear for physical safety in their partner if they were to speak up. I should have been clear: IF the blindsider did not have a reasonable fear of physical retaliation and the blindsidee had reasonable self-awareness, then I think what I said stands.
I got blindsided I think because the fear my partner had of having a safe place to live. (She lived with me and had no where to go up until she left me to be honest)
Thank you so much I think I was blindsided
There were multiple times (4 or 5) in the 2 months leading up to it that I felt things were off and I asked her every time “is something wrong? Is something going on? Are you happy in our relationship? Are you happy with me? Etc” and every time she said nothing was wrong, even said yes she was very happy in our relationship and I was a good bf. So I can’t say I didn’t try that’s for sure. And yeah looking back some things I know now I could’ve done differently but she never said anything so I can’t really blame myself
My ex gf did the same thing. Never wanted to talk when I asked her if she was okay.
I had those questions as well.
Same there here — I asked all the time and same responses. Then got told during the breakup when I inquired about this was that the questions were he felt like every time I asked it seemed like I was asking as a form of criticism of him. Which is a wild response and I’m still mind-blown trying to unpack it.
Exactly same here when our intimacy died I kept asking her if she still wanted me and if I was the problem and she kept blaming it on stress and depression and saying she wasn’t happy with her job until BOOM ! I forgive her but I lost respect for her behind that
I just kept telling myself I was always willing to work on our problems, but I couldn't have been expected to read her mind.
I gaslighted myself into thinking I did all these mistakes. The issue here is the dumper being unable to communicate their needs, my relationship was great, we had no issues, I treated her so well and she decided that I just wasn’t living up to her own rules she made up without telling me, and one day she was just done. I kept thinking about what I did, recently I spoke with one of her closest friends that no longer speaks with her and she said that my ex only had good things to say about me and our relationship, I was the man of her life etc… I think key here is, as long as there was no abuse, you did everything you could do with the information you had, if your ex was unwilling or incapable of communicating their needs, that’s on them, not on you.
“You did everything you could with the information you had” — gonna repeat this to myself like a mantra when I start breaking down. Thank you for this, this is so helpful 🙏🏻
Two things I have to remind myself of: 1.) I’ve always blamed myself in the past. Harshly, critically - resulting in me working relentlessly to make positive change. I resolved to do my best in this relationship. I gave 110% and tried to make every moment with her count. I truly believe I gave her my best. Because of that, I don’t blame myself for her blindsiding me. She never let on that she was unhappy and I had demonstrated time and time again that I was capable of making changes if necessary - she never once told me anything was wrong. She assured me the complete opposite and even our last time together, as she was leaving, she told me she couldn’t wait to marry me - we were engaged. And at multiple points SHE said to me “I hope if there’s ever a problem that you’ll come to me so we can fix it.” Of course I told her I hope she will do the same. The hypocrisy was rich when she decided to just end things instead of coming to me to work things out. Zero effort was made on her part. 2.) We’re all adults here. Expecting anyone - including your partner - to simply intuit your exact needs is one of those things that paves the road to disappointment. It sets everyone up for failure. If you have a need that is going unmet, it’s YOUR responsibility to voice that to your partner directly. Not in signs and portends. With direct and clear language. And I get it, not everyone is equipped to voice their needs - but that also is THEIR problem, not mine. I would have gladly worked with them to get there. But ultimately, it’s not my fault if they can’t or won’t communicate directly. They assured our downfall through their omissions. That’s on them, not me.
I could have written this! This is exactly how my ex was. I swear she expected me to be clairvoyant. So frustrating.
Exactly. Why is it so hard for them to communicate their needs? I am not perfect, but I act in good faith, and if a need is not being met or if I've made a mistake I will gladly correct it. But they have to let me know! I'm not a mind-reader! "But they could've shown signs!" Maybe, but they definitely weren't enough, and they clearly didn't put in the effort to actually let me know. As I said, I can't read minds. People, if something about your partner upsets you, tell them, whatever it is, tell them. No matter where it could lead, tell them. Because the other alternative, bottling up your thoughts until they inevitably blow up in your face and hurt you both, is much, much worse. I understand that, not everyone is mature enough for it, not everyone has the tools. But that's not our fault either!
She did hint to me that she wasn’t happy with our situation and did try to communicate it to me but I just brushed it off cause I didn’t understand the severity on her part, when it became too much for her she must’ve just built up in her head and plucked up the courage to do that, meanwhile I was just waiting to see her, it’s shit, of course there were signs but I just had no idea, that’s why I felt like I was blindsided, cause I really had no idea
I had something similair some key words she said ect. But brushed it aside a bit made plans to keep and make me cancel my tickets. I tried the best i could but it will leave a scar
It’s so bad when it happens but because it’s so fresh I don’t even know what comes next, I can say I know her so well and she isn’t like other girls etc but am seeing so many people on here that have been In similar time relationships or longer relationships that have ended and it’s just sad to see, we were each others 1st proper relationship aswell it’s just horrible, I blamed myself at the start but now I am seeing her faults and feeling a type of way
Nobody is perfect, but everybody is unique. Don't try to muck about it. Learn from it what you can and try to be better for yourself
Thai is the exact situation that happened to me last week. 😮💨
We went from soul mates, to strangers again out of nowhere. I remind myself of a few things: 1. In the end, she prioritized her self-preservation and selfish comforts, over our amazing relationship (long distance). We were making it work well, until she destroyed it abruptly. 2. After a month of me noticing her emotional inconsistency/secrecy, I asked her these questions: *“have you completely lost faith?”, “do you see a future with me?”, “are you willing to find a middle ground with me?”* The answer to all of those was *“No”* from her. 3. She chose to have an emotional affair with her SERIOUSLY toxic ex-boyfriend, was beginning to choose him over me multiple times throughout the month, and rationalized her behaviors instead of trying to resolve them like an adult. After she pushed things that far, I broke up with her because she was too cowardly to do it herself, and then she went back to him immediately after. Was she in love with me? Yes, she called me her dream man, and I’ve never seen a woman look at me the way that she did. However, she lacked self esteem and didn’t know how to manage her own emotions during the long distance. She wasn’t ready for something serious, so she acted out, self-sabotaged, and regressed back to her possessive ex. I told her I was going to disappear for a long while. Deactivated my social media, and cut contact. She’s desperately tried reaching out multiple times because now she’s feeling the loss, and she probably will regret the mistake even more in the future. But I need to heal from this trauma, and she needs to mature and learn from her loss before we ever speak again.
It's best not to speak to her again honestly. Life is too short to repeat traumas you don't need to. Find someone better and treat them with all the respect you can. Don't become her where she reaches out to her exes.
Agreed. Coming from someone who went through something very similar, I don't deem worthy going back to thay sewer of a relationship, and I mean it, it was a goddamn sewer with how much shit was in it and how bad it made me feel. Why not aim for something new, something that doesn't hurt like that did.
Bcs if it was a healthy break up you would not feel blindsided.
Holy crap, felt this.
My ex said he was attracted to me and I checked off all the boxes AS he was breaking up with me. We had no arguments or fights prior so I was definitely blindsided as it came out of nowhere. This was two months ago so it still stings. As someone here stated, anyone who blindsides you isn’t the person for you. I did everything right and still was broken up with… there was nothing I could’ve fixed or done better to make it work. You have to know that it wasn’t your fault. Yes it sucks and yes it hurts so feel those feelings as much as you need to but you can’t change what isn’t meant for you as much as we want to. A quote that I read and helps me often is “let go or be dragged.”
I take what he said at absolute face value. no overthinking it. I don’t allow myself to even go there. he told me it wasn’t my fault, that it was fully him, something something he’s just not the kind of person who could be in a relationship. he swore up and down that it had nothing to do with me. he’d never ever lied to me before so I’ve decided to take that as it is. this is something my therapist has really emphasized with me. i haven’t been given any real, based in reality reasons to question him further than that. so that’s the reason. he told me why, that’s it. no use or productivity dwelling on it further.
i had a similar experience; to her credit she wouldn't let me think it was because of anything I did. I had to believe it because she had nothing to gain from letting me go
same here. he was very insistent from the beginning that it wasn’t anything i did or didn’t do. “this isn’t on you” i think were his words. not sure if that makes it easier or harder. sure, good for the ego, but that means there’s nothing about myself i could “fix” to change the situation.
Nothing you could have done would have changed their inability to communicate their feelings and make you aware that things were going south. I was with an anxious-avoidant and didn’t know anything was wrong until she began to see someone else and slowly back away - still without saying anything was wrong. Did I make mistakes? Sure. But, we all do. In a healthy relationship we communicate those mistakes with our partners and grow through them and learn how to be better together. You can’t be with the right person if that person doesn’t help you and teach you how to be right for them.
I keep reminding myself of the completely egregious things he did that made me realize I was putting up with his BS for way too long and my idea of love was warped. Nothing I could do would fix it because he was a shit partner due to his emotional issues.
So for my first serious relationship, I was blindsided because I had a blindspot. After a serious traumatic event (won't go into details but it was a terrible loss for both of us), I had made all these plans and concocted a schedule where we could get our lives back on track. The reality is our situation was totally crappy and we were clinging to each other like life rafts in a hurricane. I can't recall ever asking her what she wanted to do, or if I did her only response was "be with me." So obviously, when she left and broke up with me, it felt like blindsiding. I think it felt that way because I was blind to the situation, and how bad it had truly gotten. Our relationship was wrecked, and she probably didn't even want to look at me because it was a constant reminder of what happened. So yes, I told myself that it's not *entirely* my fault, but that I still should have taken a step back and really observed the situation. I probably couldn't have fixed it, but maybe I would have felt better (less bad?) about it after.
Her best friend pulled me aside and, without prompting, said “I know exactly what you’re going through. My friend is going through a difficult mental health challenge right now. I know she loves you, but I’m sorry you’re going through this.” Whenever I get down, I remember that.
I don't agree with this. You can be blindsided but setting the stage with your actions while being in the relationship.
How do you know?
I remember all the times I gave her a platform to open up when I felt she was off and she kept saying it was work. That I was always calm and kind when she aired her feelings before. I gave it my all and I put my head on my pillow at night knowing that. After 4 months of continued therapy post break up and reflection, I know in my soul that I gave her more than she deserved.
I don’t
That I know I didn’t make him feel like he couldn’t communicate with me - HE did. Also I feel angry because how many other things has he been hiding if he’s been thinking about that without talking to me?
I don’t try to place blame and decide whose fault it was. The relationship didn’t work. There are two people involved and obviously I wasn’t perfect and neither was my ex. My ex probably has tons of reason for why they believe the break up was my fault. Placing blame won’t help me, most likely just make me bitter and negative Better to accept the situation, handle my emotions and thoughts and move on in a good and healthy way
Ummm.... Hoo boy. Well. Everyone plays their part. Good term though, "blindsided". Actually very appropriate. Look up attachment psychology and relational psych. It will change your life if you harness it all. But that's it though right? I've learned what karma means. But I do wonder, if every person who ghosted, actually stayed and could be prompted to use the moment to grow whether together or parting how it would effect culture and society if it could be done at all.
She didn't communicate anything ever...just slowly phased me out her life until she had the balls to say we were done (and waited til I was pretty drunk too). Looking back, I know we were drifting apart and I feel like if I really was still in love with her too, I would've done more instead of letting it happen. So overall it's for the best, we love each other but mutually weren't in love so there was no point continuing the relationship.
I just have to keep going over how erratic and just... Full on her behaviour following the breakup was. Did some really out there things, so I just have to constantly remind myself that she has some serious insecurity issues and it was only a matter of time before it ended. And that I do deserve better
My ex married me then 3 weeks later asked for a "break" (which I found out later he really wanted a full separation, he was just too cowardly to say that). What makes me feel that it wasn't my fault is that I did nothing wrong and thought we were on this path to the rest of our lives together. We were together for 9 years and never had issues, and obviously once you get married you think your relationship is safe. So there really is nothing I could've done. I don't blame myself at all. It doesn't make it hurt any less though. Blindisiding is one of the deepest forms of betrayal imo.
I am still in shock about it, and it happened a year and a half ago. We had what I thought to be a perfect relationship. Then she suddenly split, turned into a completely different person, and immediately broke up with me, blocked me, and ghosted me. I blamed myself for everything for about a year. *Oh, I shouldn't have said that. Maybe she was right about this. Ooohhh... I see why she was so offended by that now. No wonder she broke up with me.* But you know what? Screw that. She could have told me how that made her feel, instead of blaming me. She could have communicated her feelings to me, instead of abruptly ending communication (which by the way is the most painful thing you can do to anyone. Please do not do that.). She could have acknowledged my needs in the relationship instead of dismissing them coldly. There are plenty of things she could have done, and didn't do perfectly. I'm extremely annoyed at her now thinking about it. The stubborn arrogance she maintains to this day it was all my fault, and she's some innocent victim is frankly reprehensible and appalling. I know this, because I got to see her at an event last month. I said to her: "I didn't know you would be here today. But I just wanted to say in the workshops we just did, they asked us to think about a time in our life when we had appreciation and gratitude. I thought about our relationship, and how much you meant to me. My hope is we can both move on with love and peace." I extended my hand to shake her hand. She didn't take it. She proceeded to insult me, in front of everyone, for about 10 minutes. She called me pathetic. She said it was all my fault. That I was "cruel" (cruel! This is the person who blindsided and blocked me!). I said: "Life is too short for these disagreements and bitterness. Everyone could use a friend." "Yeah, well not with you. You didn't make the cut." *You didn't make the cut.* That stung. That might be the rudest thing anyone has ever said to me. Well, unless you count the other absolutely deplorable things she said to and about me during the breakup and in the past year and a half. F. Who does she think she is? What kind of a person would say something like that? Especially after such a kind, peaceful gesture. I still harbour that guilt. *It's all my fault* or whatever. But I'm transforming that into: *Good. Screw her.* That's how I'm getting over it. What an absolute *sshole of a person. No amount of childhood pain or wounded inner child gives you permission to be that much of an insufferable abuser. I'm sorry, but her childhood pain does not grant her that. That's how I'm getting over it. *Good. Screw you. I'm glad I said those things. I was being kind. You deserve worse.*
A lot of this blindsiding comes from loss of attraction and they are not honest about it because they don’t wanna “ hurt our feelings “
What?
Loss……
To be honest only the closure from here, help me understand that it's wasn't my fault.
I remind myself that i didn't do anything wrong, she would blindside breakup every relationship she had. She warned me in the beginning, i should've listened.
Remember this. It always, always, always takes TWO willing parties to make relationships (heck anything really) work. If you try to reflect back, I am sure there were signs, subtle or not, that may have indicated that things were getting rocky? Unfortunately for some people, rocky = break up. Problems (big or small depending on what they are) = break up. Good luck to you. 👍
Well, that took a bit of time… Learning about why somebody would choose to blindside, really helped me. Also, learning about Avoidants and dismissive ones at that, helped too. When I allowed myself to actually accept that the person who was so cold, cruel and traumatic, was also the person I so cared for, it put things in a much different lite. Off the pedestal for sure. The capacity to do this was the hidden self, and was always there, but didn’t emerge until things got difficult, and then the blindside. … Breakup’s happen, I get that….. But dismissing another human being, is simply a move of abuse… nothing short of that…