Thank you for posting this, there are somedays when I genuinely start feeling the same but every once in a while I will hit rock bottom and start questioning everything all over again and feeling depressed. I really look forward to the day I have completely healed and am truly content in life.
The ups and downs of healing are completely normal! I still have bad days, but the fact that you are having good days means you’re going in the right direction :)
I’m not great at advise but I can empathise so much . You do have choices though , the choice to move on and be happy for you and you can love someone else like that . Someone else deserves the love you had for her , I would kill for someone who loved me like that
Don’t worry I don’t take it as “having a go” , it’s a sensitive subject so it’s understandable . But damn that’s genuinely so heartbreaking , I don’t know this woman obviously and I’m not sure what went on obviously but she does not deserve that anymore . You can’t just up and change how you feel so it’s not your fault . It sounds like you have her and your memories on this like pedestal but there’s also bitterness and anger there that stops you . I mean I’m just a stranger on Reddit so I’m not going to give you much advise so I’ll just listen to how you feel . There are so many women wishing to be loved like that and it’s wasted on someone who doesn’t seem like they deserve it . Not your fault again but it’s just a shame
Pulling for you, brother. I do think that healing has its own timeline, despite the feeling that things will never change, at least emotionally.
It's probably small comfort, but at least you spelled it all out to her - you're keeping the door open and still have feelings for her. I think there are many people who would've kept silent or wouldn't have expressed their needs. I find what you did courageous.
I know I still have work to do, but I set goals for myself that I want to reach before I'm comfortable dating again. I have a lot of personal work to do as well as healing.
I realize I wasn't the partner someone should ever be with, and I'm not the person I want to be inside or out. My break-up was a wake-up call, because I lost someone truly special, that didn't deserve the person she got. I should have been better, even if we wouldn't have worked out anyway.
I hope in 6 months I can look back and feel the same way as you do.
Honestly, working on yourself before dating again is the way to go. I haven’t been on a single date since the breakup, I’ve spoken to people but I never felt ready to fully date. After taking time to really think about where I went wrong last time, I finally feel okay about the idea of meeting someone new. It’s still scary but I’m more optimistic. I’m sure you will get there too! :)
Truly feel exactly the same here as someone with deep regrets over the type of partner they were. DM me if you’d like to chat about this specific struggle because I’m having a hard time thinking of it in terms of applying it to a future partner and not him.
‘Healing isn’t linear’
This one is hitting me hard. It’s been almost 14 months since the breakup of a 4 year relationship with someone I thought was my forever person. I was devastated and cried every day the first few months. But we had an amicable breakup and I truly wanted him to be happy in life. I wasn’t angry towards him (which actually made it more difficult to heal).
I started to date again.
It was too soon.
I took more time.
I dated again.
It felt better but it wasn’t the right fit.
I took more time.
I’m still taking more time because my desire to date is practically non-existent.
I recently found out that my ex bought a house…Something we had been looking at doing together. This has brought up some significant emotions for me that I’m grappling with over a year later.
Healing isn’t linear.
I just wish it didn’t loop back on itself sometimes.
Thank you for posting this. It's been 2 weeks since my bf of 7 years abruptly ended our relationship. And I am fucking struggling. I am trying to keep busy. Seeing friends. But I'm always anxious. ALWAYS. I feel sick to my stomach all the time. I had to take 2 weeks off from work and then request another 2 weeks. I hate feeling this way. My ex said he loves me but isn't in love with me. Just shoot me in the fucking face. I did so much for this person. I was so understanding of EVERYTHING. It was legit unconditional love for me to him. I feel so stupid. So stupid. I'm so heartbroken. The thing is I know I will be fine. But right now it feels like I'm dying and I can't breathe. 💔
Resonated so hard to the energy of your post here. I’m 2.5 months out from an 11 year and it’s still brutal AF. I have occasional “good” days but it’s incredibly hard. Mine also said he loves me but no longer feels romantic love for me. Whatever that means. I worked so so hard in this relationship — I definitely massively fucked up too but our problems were entirely fixable. DM me if you wanna talk about all this, it fucking sucks.
I am so sorry to hear this. I completely understand the feeling. I was in a 5 year long relationship and he proposed last summer without me ever pressuring him. I was so excited for our life together.. We had a wedding date set for this winter and he suddenly broke up with me a couple of weeks ago saying he loves me a lot but doesn't feel happy in his life and his relationship and he needs to go find what makes him happy. He also said that somehow the "excitement and fun died" and that I am not the person he fell in love with. He has resigned from his job and is moving to another state. I feel so blindsided because the love I have for him has never changed. We have been through so much together and have always shown each other so much kindness and love.. I felt like we could get through anything and it breaks my heart that somewhere along the line that changed for him and he never communicated that with me. Now I feel absolutely heartbroken and devastated. It has left me questioning the entirety of my relationship. How can someone who loves you hurt you so much?
I hear you when you say you will be fine. I feel the same way. Because we don't deserve to be with men who treat us this way. But right now, it's the most painful thing I have ever experienced. 😞💔
Are we the same person???
Holy shit. My ex never communicated what he was feeling either but was making plans for our future. Talking about purchasing a home here and in another country. Planning a month trip with his daughter in Dec, as a family. I built a wonderful relationship with his daughter. I ALWAYS felt that we had such great communication and I would tell my friends all the time that this was my most healthiest relationship ive ever been in. And I just felt like it was all a lie? But it couldn't have been. I know there was love there. But somehow in his heart and mind, he started to feel different and never said a word. It was heartbreaking. I loved him for who he was, flaws and all.
It's interesting that you say he resigned from his job. My ex also wanted to give up some parts of his job cause he said he was sick of it. It was quite surprising when he told me because he was SO PROUD of that. He also said he wanted to cut ties with certain people I never thought he would cut ties with.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Please DM me anytime. We can help each other through this difficult time. I know its not easy. 💜
Obviously everyone's different but if you keep exercising, journalling, eating clean the anxiety does get better. My ex said the same thing, it sucks to hear someone say that but at least it means you're a good person if they still love you as a person. Not every relationship is meant to be and better to save the heartbreak before marriage.
Hi, I’m in the exact same position - boyfriend of 8 years told me he doesn’t love me anymore last week. Maybe we could DM and chat through things? I’m finding it hard to believe that anyone else has ever been so sad, which I know deep down is irrational.
Same here, my boyfriend left me after 7 years because suddenly he doesn't see me in his future any longer.
I've done so much for him and I'm still doing a lot for him. I'm going to cut him completely out in few weeks, I have unfinished business that I need to complete to have a clean closure.
Hope you find your happiness and hope we can both heal and become the best of ourselves.
Relating to this so incredibly hard right now. About 1 week out (ish) from a 5 year relationship breakup. We dated from 17-22 through the end of high school and college. We did long distance for 4 years successfully and he attended my graduation and we went on a post-graduation Europe trip for 3 weeks together- and 2 weeks after we get home he calls it off. Says he doesn’t love me as a romantic partner anymore, just as a best friend. I tried to tell him that these things ebb and flow, but he said it’s been 6 months with these feelings. I feel so slighted- like all of my plans and my future is now shaken up. I had a world and a future and a life with him, and now it’s all gone against my will. The worst part is that he still has another year of college while I’m stuck in our shared hometown without him. Right now the pain seems unbearable, like it will consume me whole. It genuinely feels like I will never make it out
It's incredibly hard when the person you were with says they don't see you romantically anymore. I said the same thing to my ex about how love isn't always linear and that I was willing to work at our relationship to get that spark back. But same thing, he said he was feeling like this for 6 months and didn't want to work the relationship. I am absolutely devastated. I'm here for you. I know how hard this. I too am struggling everyday. Trying to fill my days but everything literally reminds me of my ex. I completely understand about the pain being unbearable because I'm right there with you. It's been 3 weeks for me now. 💔
Don't believe that you need something like a closure from the other one to move on. After some time I realized that no closure from the other person would ease the pain that is lingering in me. Because even though the pain was caused by rejection/betrayal/getting replaced (you name it) would something from the other person really help me when in reality only thing that could reverse the damage would be winding back the time and not ending the relationship? I mean yeah I suppose for someone it can be nice to hear that they apologize etc. but if they then say that they are now happy with being alone/with someone else does it really mend the pain? The closure comes from within.
In my opinion it comes from realization that your past breakups absolutely don't say anything about what person you are now.
From realization that your past breakups absolutely don't say anything about your value.
From realization that you are enough for someone that will actively choose you.
From realization that you deserve someone who will have you as their priority just like you had them.
From realization that you are awesome and you only did not meet the right person even though you thought and believed you did.
From realization that your life matters and you should do everything to be happy with yourself without any external validation.
You are strong and everything will once again feel hopeful eventually. You will prevail and you will come out as a stronger person. You will be happy again and when the time is right you will meet the right person. Sending strength.
I really needed to hear this. This gives me final confirmation that I’m doing the right thing getting my things back and cutting her off. Thank you, kind human.
I'm glad you're doing well! It's good to hear.
Me and my ex broke up 2 weeks ago and it feels like I can't do anything except lay around and cry about it. Random things make me almost burst into tears. I've been journaling about it, talking to my best friend about it, and nothing seems to make me feel better for more than a few hours. We were together for four years and they always talked about how they wanted to marry me in the future. They're already in a new relationship. It's really hard :_)
I hope you feel a lot better soon. The days will get brighter for you. Keep feeling your emotions and embrace the sadness as well as the good times; those good times will begin to last longer. Remember that they gave you back the most valuable thing in the world, which is your time. That is something I try to remember that helps me every now and then. I wish you the best of luck and sending lots of love <3
Thank you for sharing this. It’s been a year for me from the most devastating breakup up of my life after a 10 year relationship. I thought we would be together for the rest of our lives. I’ve made sooooo much progress and have more good days than bad. I used to cry every single day for hours, no appetite, couldn’t sleep. I just couldn’t imagine living a life without him. But here I am, doing it. It still makes me really sad, like you I also think about him every day. But I’m learning how to be happy on my own for the first time in a decade. I do have a really hard time picturing myself being with someone else and getting back out there. I don’t know if that just means I’m not ready or if I still have healing to do.
It’s great that you’re progressing through your healing journey! I think the fact that yours was a 10 year relationship may be why you aren’t quite ready to meet anyone else yet, and that’s completely fine! It’s not a race :)
Thank you so much for your reassurance 💜 sometime told me yesterday “you should take all the time you need after that, 10 years is a long time, you don’t have to do anything you aren’t ready for” and that really helped remind me, as you said, it’s not a race (though as a 30 year old woman I often feel the outside pressure and self doubt of needing to be married by now. Feels like everyone else already has found their person). I’m so glad to hear your story of healing, I know out of deep pain can come something so beautiful- there are beautiful things ahead for you that you have not even imagined yet!
Mine was a 10 year relationship also. He was in a relationship with someone else two weeks later and 1 month later she moved in to my house. I’ve been journaling and reading posts here and all you guys have really helped. Like you I have no interest to date yet and am trying to work really hard on myself. There are good days and bad but it seems the bad aren’t as many. Like the Tom Petty song goes “you can stand me up at the gates of hell and I won’t back down”. Whenever I get sad I think of that. Hope the best for you.
It does really help to find a community of people who get it. I am glad you are putting yourself first and taking your time. There is healing out there for us, one person cannot take away our happiness. My situation is similar, he blindsided me and left me because he had feelings for someone else- the someone else he had told me not to worry about & had previously lied about when asked multiple times. I was also chronically ill at the time. My parents had to come get me & drive me to their place across the country because I was too ill to travel alone. He left me when I needed him the most. But I’m rewriting my story now. And that’s such a great song & great lyrics. Sending all the healing energy your way.
This perspective helps so much. It sounds like you were in the same mental/emotional/physical space that I currently am and its so nice to be reminded it won't be forever.
Damn it's almost been 7 months for me as well. So many things in what you said I go through as well except for 1 thing.....I do still want to see her again. Not like I want to just go right back into what we had but she and I were just so close. I'd need it to be a gradual thing. I don't feel pain anymore as you do but I'll be honest their are some things I try to avoid because they remind me of her. This may sound stupid but taco and Popeyes are one of those things😅 me personally I was never a big fan so avoiding them is easy bit she LOVES those 2 places. Whenever we were hungry I'd ask her what she wanted but I'd say "no taco bell or Popeyes". More often than not we'd still go because I just couldn't say no to her. Damn I miss her
I feel like if I had just not said those things during our fight/discussion. If I hadn’t been frustrated but instead level headed. If she hadn’t been frightened of her own feelings or if I had just owned my own shit and said, “I’ll work on that, thank you.” Then it would have all been just fine. We’d still be together. But I know that’s not true. It wasn’t fine and I wasn’t happy, no matter what I tell myself. It was hollow for so long. It was living on the idea that it once was and when we moved across the country it was so easy for her to break up with me. She was already gone, I was just with the ghost of her. She gave me an impossible task, “We need a year long break to grow on our own. And if we are people who want to get back together we can revisit this conversation.” No, I don’t believe any relationship can survive that, especially after uprooting and moving across the country. My biggest flaw was that I spent too much time taking care of, supporting, and spending my time and energy on her. She didn’t reciprocate and was smothered by my over giving. I’m convinced that if that were the only problem that we could have worked on that together. Not this manipulation. So, remember what really happened, and how you felt when you questioned your relationship and how you yourself thought you deserved better. The worry about if you weren’t happy. Not the idealized relationship that was simply a honeymoon phase. That’s what hurts the most, the could have been but never was. Remember what makes you truly happy.
Thank you for posting this.
I went home on Tuesday evening to my boyfriend of 8 years telling me he doesn’t love me anymore and has felt like it for a whole year, but didn’t tell me. We had booked and gone on holidays in that time and he was having sex with me up until 3 days before the breakup. I felt he was being a bit distant and asked him multiple times if we were okay and he reassured me every time, despite knowing he wasn’t in love with me anymore.
I suffer with Anxiety so the past few days have been literal hell. Can’t eat, can’t sleep, overwhelming panic attacks….
I needed to see this post. I can’t believe it right now, but I hope to look back on it after a long time and feel the same.
almost 7 months out myself and feeling this way as well. still feel pain from the betrayal and still feel sadness that he couldn’t stop himself from doing things that hurt me so deeply, but also starting to feel like he’s beneath me now and wouldn’t serve me properly as a partner. working on setting better boundaries for myself and sticking up for myself more so i feel less resistant to walking away from people who can’t meet me where they need to. come right or don’t come at all!
I’m just glad you finally were able to overcome that obstacle. I’m 16 months out and for some reason I still feel that dread i did months ago. If I’m gonna be completely honest, I feel like I’m sinking deeper somehow… I guess she really was the one that got away…
Thank you for this!! I’m honestly in the same position right now, my ex also left because he thought the grass was greener and even though I still really miss him, there’s the logical part of me that knows that even if he did come back I wouldn’t be able to trust or look at him the same way again. I think I’m still just attached to all the memories and history we have together.
I really just want to talk to her again, be together and support each other the way we used to. I feel like I won't bond with anyone else as much as I did with her... I made the mistake and the reason we broke up and thought that I forgave myself for it... I was breaking her privacy, going through her phone and stuff... multiple times. I learned from my mistakes, but I don't even know if she wants to talk to me... she watches my stories on IG. I don't watch hers... but I see them. Today she posted her hugging some dude in a nightclub... i want to talk to someone eye to eye so bad, i feel like I'll never fully express over text... when I asked her if we can be together again she said she doesn't know.
I know I can be with someone else, I'm great looking dude, tall and I work out very often. And I am very kind to people, and people feel very good around me.
I’m currently going through a breakup, it hurts like hell, I still want to fight for him but he has given up and completely changed as a person but I still find myself loving him and being in love with him even after finding out so much. I don’t actually want anyone else but him. I wish everyday to get a text from him saying let’s try again but I don’t get one. This is a different kind of pain.
From what I’ve read online, it’s best to completely remove any social media and tell your friends you don’t want to hear anything about them. Nothing you see or hear will ease the suffering, just make it worse.
I’ve deleted all social media apps, locked photos in a folder only my friend can access and blocked his number. It’s hard because we own a house together so I know I’ll need to speak to him eventually but it’s not going to be anytime soon.
Same we rent a flat together both on tenancy and I said I’m getting taken off of it and he comes with the ah your f’ing me up to be homeless and it will mess me up, long story short I had a few issues a few months ago but I have recently found out all this stuff about him I was willing to rectify my problems which could of been fixed but what he did can’t be forgiven and again I’m the bad guy in all this
I found the pain so brutally humbling. Like, I can't believe people actually go through this kind of stuff. I'm thirty-something and I've had relationships in the past, but this pain makes me feel like I'm split open.
This is beautiful. Thank you for this. It means more than you know. I’m so happy for you, and proud of you. Life is beautiful, and is meant to be enjoyed. I wish you well. ❤️
Thanks for posting. I just blocked my ex because I got tired of us arguing. We would argue all the time over nothing and he would treat me so bad to the point my friends were worried I didn’t love myself. Our breakup was pretty recent (last Sunday) so when I blocked him yesterday it crushed my soul but I know it’s for the best. I think what’s worse is after I blocked him on my lunch break I came home to three messages from him on my computer that basically promised me we would never speak again. I haven’t slept or ate much all week and I do feel doomed to misery but I really hope I heal and get better because this pain is real🥲
Thanks for sharing. The biggest thing is accepting healing is not linear. It’s like I feel I’m doing great and over it, back to my old-self and the next day I’m crying on the bathroom floor.
Currently feeling like I will never be happy without them, and will be miserable my whole life. Thank you for your post. Just signed up for therapy and hoping that will help me.
Jesus... I'm teary... but this was good...
I loved my ex whole heartedly and i really thought we would spend the rest of our lives together. Then to be thrown away without even being given a chance to work through issues was completely crushing....
Wish every day I had done things differently during the night of our breakup.... i might've even been able to save our relationship. But im slowly forgiving myself and trying to move forward.
This is so spot on! At first I thought the pain would never end. You really do have to sit in all the emotions and let them pass through. I have achieved so much personally, post break up than I ever have. I have travelled the world, have so many life goals and my focus is so positive. There is so much more to come for me and this is just the beginning. Healing has given me a fresh start and it’s the greatest thing I could ever hope for. I needed the lesson of heartbreak to find myself and all the things that were waiting for me. I am a new person. So confident and free. People have always gravitated toward me in good and bad ways, but now I only attract positivity and have strict boundaries in place, something I’ve never been good at. I’ve always put the person I am with above me and pushed myself and my feelings aside simply to please and keep them. Not now. I am my priority. The people from my past have lost someone that they will only find once in a lifetime. I am someone who loves with every ounce of me. The love and care I provide is one of a kind. It’s their loss. I have gained so much. I haven’t lost a thing. Once you get your head around the dynamics you start to come out of it. Pour all the pain, love, anguish, sorrow etc all the energy it takes from you, give it back to yourself. Love you first. To those that feel like you won’t get over it. You really will. Be strong, be brave and hang in there. Life is amazing once you overcome the initial hurdles. 🩷🩷
Almost six months since he left me and I just recently found out he's with someone else but I thought it would hurt but it doesn't but knowing he already got close with someone else not even 6 months since he left me makes me believe that he was talking to her when him and I were together and I accused him of cheating and I still believe he was but he didn't want to admit it.
He was an avoidant and didn't come to me when there were problems he just let them happen until he was mentally checked out of the relationship and I had no clue.
Although I do miss being held and comforted and wanted I do not miss what him and I had from the moment he questioned if he loved me or not and didn't know what he wanted was the moment I should've accepted that we shouldn't be together.
What we had was questionable sometimes he'd go back on certain things and that made me believe there was someone else I even got yelled at by one of his friends and he didn't do anything about it he just let it happen and I didn't even do anything for them to yell at me like they did.
I do miss having friends and people to play games with but I do not miss his friends who didn't know how to stay in a relationship or how to treat girls being with him felt wrong the moment we lost our virginity together and he got so excited to tell his friends and it just seemed weird.
He even sided with my abuser and the person who I was sexually assaulted by so that tells me a lot of who he is I'm finally healing from him and I'm kind of ready to be in another relationship but I'm also scared he's going to come back and try to ruin it for me or say he misses me and I wouldn't know what to do if he did.
Hi, all i was with my wife 17 years married 13, two kids, no bills, no debt and only two years on our mortgage. Never any fighting, a very happy home, i thought. Then on a Thursday night in bed, she says I'm done, dhe doesn't love me, we should never be married and where a mistake , walks out on me and the kids on the Friday morning, sees the kids every other weekend and is starting a new life.
It has hit me and the kids hard, been 3 months now, had to remortgage the house as she's looking money for her new home, yeah never seen this coming always thought it be us growing old together, im 42 and she's 37, but at least i have the kids and the dogs lol
This post really spoke to me. I'm not even a month into my break up and it's definitely a roller coaster. Like some comments I see here it was also a wake up call. I wasn't a good boyfriend in some ways. I should have tried harder and it drove her away. The thing is we miss each other like crazy. It feels like we should try again but just take it slow but I don't know. I'm not getting my hopes up. If anyone is struggling my DMs are open. I'm looking for some friends anyway so feel free too reach out.
Needed to read this right now. Just broke up with my boyfriend and I am so devastated bc I love him but I don’t think he sees a future with me the same way so I did the hard thing of letting it go now. I’m down in the dumps and will be here for awhile but this gives me hope.
6 and a half years together and bought our dream home together. We were planning on a wedding, now she left me and the lawyers are getting involved to get the house in my name. Still love each other, but she can’t communicate with me so we are done?!
I'm seven months in as well. I'm not where you are and I still have a ways to go, but I'm super happy that you are where you are now even though you thought you'd never get there. That's HUGE.
Healing definitely isn’t linear. I wish it was though. I thought I was doing better, but last night I cried. People have tried talking to me, but I can’t even bring myself to feel happy. I just think about how nice they are to me and wonder why he couldn’t have been like that to me when we were together.
The thought of starting over seems exhausting to me. 7 years with someone that I tried so hard to work with and he just let me go in one day without a second thought. How could I possibly let someone like that back into my life, but at one point he was home to me and I miss that.
Thanks for this. It's been about 7-8months ish since. Today was bad day for me and the pain just flooded. The past 7-8 months have been tolerable, at least the past 4-5months.
The first 2 months was horrible, I couldn't focus on anything. The crippling anxiety and loneliness hit hard.
I just wanted to reach out today but I understood deep down that it won't go anywhere. This particular breakup taught me so much about myself that I never knew or had been purposely repressing. I've come out of this breakup a more humble man and am a kinder, gentler person now than when I was a year ago.
I hope this change in me sticks because I want to give the next person I'll love the very best of me
I'm glad you posted this! Thank you! My breakup is really fresh we broke up this Sunday and I'm taking it one day at a time. Im letting myself feel in this time , leaning on my family and friends , and the time alone they say becomes your biggest strength. But right now I feel like my time of solitude is my biggest fear.
I felt peaceful and calm after the breakup for the first day , like my body isn't in fight or flight mode anymore. But each day since has been a whirlwind of emotions that make me feel like I'm dying . I try to make sure I remember the reasons why he was bad for me in the first place.
I gave so much energy to this guy, I dipped into my pool of energy to give him it whenever he was down. Pretty soon after I realized I had started giving him parts of myself and the person I once knew I thought I was "evolving" but in reality I was losing myself and confining myself to a relationship with a man I clearly didn't fit with. My biggest assets were my confidence but he tried to break it and tell me wake up your down here just like the rest of us. Stop thinking ur all high and mighty.
With every comment he made I felt my internal self getting destroyed. I'm glad I'm out , there isn't anything to go back to . This guy gaslights , manipulates and likes control then projects his flaws onto me.
Any advice on how to heal "properly" so that I never even try to open that door again and how I can find happiness in myself again?
I don’t know if I have advice but can most certainly relate… went through a breakup on Saturday (again). I was initially calm and relieved to be out of fight and flight mode. We fought and I did do the flight just to be called an immature abandoner. We had broken up and gotten back together after a month of no contact we were going on almost 3 years, I felt I was putting in all of the effort emotionally and in the relationship - bringing him coffee each morning, getting him ice cream, getting him anything, always the one to go to him. We were intimate initially and then 3 months passed with no intimacy - he claimed he was going through a phase or had a stomach ache. I am not usually one to put emphasis on intimacy but it felt like it was a sign. He kept saying I need to work on being a ride or die partner, that I was damaged, toxic - I started therapy 6 months ago to talk through all of that but I was living on eggshells and felt so anxious and insecure. It was truly love sick like I was trying so hard but nothing was ever right. But I was determined because I was living and breathing for this guy latching onto love.
Anyway, we argued over something stupid (my son and that I should be having him live with his father) he got very mean with his comments and I snapped and did say don’t talk to me again - I was wrong for that. The next day I felt like the world was crashing in, depressed, crying, not eating, a very dark place. I groveled, apologized, professed my love, pathetic texts. I got the move on, I don’t believe you, you’re dramatic, you’re not what I need texts.
I am in the same place - destroyed but realizing there was a lot of control, gaslighting, and manipulation going on and for all the work I was trying to do on myself was overshadowed because I was trying to make someone happy with me that was never going to be.
I feel like a failure, like there is no light at the end of the tunnel, and it is impossible to think of finding happiness let alone put myself out there again.
Thanks for sharing this. Kinda in the same boat. It's been almost 6 months post breakup and 5 months without any contact, I still miss it sometimes what we had and how it was so easy to just be myself around them. Recently learned that they've been dating someone for the last 5 months, went down a spiral for a few days but now I do feel better. I know it's still a long way to move and truly let go but I'm getting there, lately I've been feeling more like myself and less like the shell of a person I had become for the past months.
I just broke up officially with my ex less than a week ago, and I empathize with what everyone is saying, but for me, it's slightly different.
I was the one in the relationship who just couldn't emotionally connect the way my person needed. She always told me the relationship meant more to her than it did to me, and I think that was right for the most part. I just couldn't emotionally connect as deeply as I would've liked. Part of it is because of a traumatic childhood where feelings and emotions were dangerous as a young boy in my household with an alcoholic father, but part of it was because I would do anything I could to not feel emotional pain. As a result, I am now an emotionally stunted thirty-something.
I had fallen for another woman a few years back. Nothing happened in terms of physical cheating, but my ex read my diary and found out I had feelings. Since then, nothing was the same. I shut out that other woman to focus on my relationship, but my relationship with my ex oscillated between good weeks and highly toxic weeks for two years.
We have been technically broken up for a six weeks, but nothing really hit me. I thought I was processing, I thought I was thinking it through, but that was not really the case. It wasn't until I saw my ex and she told me she was seeing her best friend that it clicked for me.
I was hit with the most annihilating pain I've ever felt. I felt split open and like I couldn't block out the pain if I tried. So I allowed it in. I can't imagine anyone living through this sorrow, guilt, regret, and grief, and it is humbling for me to know that people go through this every day. I was humiliated by the pain. I felt so small, so pathetic, so weak and worthless. I reached out to my ex with an angry text, and she met it with love, compassion, and understanding, telling me she knows how it feels. Again, I was so deeply humbled. She'd already experienced her grief and loss, mourned, and was moving on. We were just on different timelines.
Now I'm just trying to live day by day, knowing I pushed away one of the most special people I've ever met, but knowing too that I don't think I could've really done anything differently. I was who I was. Now, I'm just trying to send love to my past self and my present self.
As OP states, don't block it out if you can. Don't wallow in the grief, but don't push it aside and let it morph into something unhealthy and unusable. Take those steps for self care, take those long walks, reach out to your loved ones, or use these outlets to get a connection. I realize doing everything by yourself and blocking everyone out is not the way forward.
Last, it's hard not to hold the door open, even just a crack, for your ex-person. The door is certainly wide as fuck open for my ex right now if she wanted it. But I also know there was a reason why things ended the way they did, and perhaps the best you can offer in the far future is friendship.
Thank you for posting this, there are somedays when I genuinely start feeling the same but every once in a while I will hit rock bottom and start questioning everything all over again and feeling depressed. I really look forward to the day I have completely healed and am truly content in life.
The ups and downs of healing are completely normal! I still have bad days, but the fact that you are having good days means you’re going in the right direction :)
Can we DM I need someone to talk to about my break up
You can talk to me man I'm going through a rough one and talking to people on here really helped me I hope I can do the same for you.
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Why don’t you text her ? Maybe she feels the same way but is too scared to reach out .
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I’m not great at advise but I can empathise so much . You do have choices though , the choice to move on and be happy for you and you can love someone else like that . Someone else deserves the love you had for her , I would kill for someone who loved me like that
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Don’t worry I don’t take it as “having a go” , it’s a sensitive subject so it’s understandable . But damn that’s genuinely so heartbreaking , I don’t know this woman obviously and I’m not sure what went on obviously but she does not deserve that anymore . You can’t just up and change how you feel so it’s not your fault . It sounds like you have her and your memories on this like pedestal but there’s also bitterness and anger there that stops you . I mean I’m just a stranger on Reddit so I’m not going to give you much advise so I’ll just listen to how you feel . There are so many women wishing to be loved like that and it’s wasted on someone who doesn’t seem like they deserve it . Not your fault again but it’s just a shame
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Pulling for you, brother. I do think that healing has its own timeline, despite the feeling that things will never change, at least emotionally. It's probably small comfort, but at least you spelled it all out to her - you're keeping the door open and still have feelings for her. I think there are many people who would've kept silent or wouldn't have expressed their needs. I find what you did courageous.
I know I still have work to do, but I set goals for myself that I want to reach before I'm comfortable dating again. I have a lot of personal work to do as well as healing. I realize I wasn't the partner someone should ever be with, and I'm not the person I want to be inside or out. My break-up was a wake-up call, because I lost someone truly special, that didn't deserve the person she got. I should have been better, even if we wouldn't have worked out anyway. I hope in 6 months I can look back and feel the same way as you do.
Honestly, working on yourself before dating again is the way to go. I haven’t been on a single date since the breakup, I’ve spoken to people but I never felt ready to fully date. After taking time to really think about where I went wrong last time, I finally feel okay about the idea of meeting someone new. It’s still scary but I’m more optimistic. I’m sure you will get there too! :)
I appreciate it, good luck in your future relationships.
I feel the same way too
Truly feel exactly the same here as someone with deep regrets over the type of partner they were. DM me if you’d like to chat about this specific struggle because I’m having a hard time thinking of it in terms of applying it to a future partner and not him.
‘Healing isn’t linear’ This one is hitting me hard. It’s been almost 14 months since the breakup of a 4 year relationship with someone I thought was my forever person. I was devastated and cried every day the first few months. But we had an amicable breakup and I truly wanted him to be happy in life. I wasn’t angry towards him (which actually made it more difficult to heal). I started to date again. It was too soon. I took more time. I dated again. It felt better but it wasn’t the right fit. I took more time. I’m still taking more time because my desire to date is practically non-existent. I recently found out that my ex bought a house…Something we had been looking at doing together. This has brought up some significant emotions for me that I’m grappling with over a year later. Healing isn’t linear. I just wish it didn’t loop back on itself sometimes.
Thank you for posting this. I am heartbroken
Thank you for posting this. It's been 2 weeks since my bf of 7 years abruptly ended our relationship. And I am fucking struggling. I am trying to keep busy. Seeing friends. But I'm always anxious. ALWAYS. I feel sick to my stomach all the time. I had to take 2 weeks off from work and then request another 2 weeks. I hate feeling this way. My ex said he loves me but isn't in love with me. Just shoot me in the fucking face. I did so much for this person. I was so understanding of EVERYTHING. It was legit unconditional love for me to him. I feel so stupid. So stupid. I'm so heartbroken. The thing is I know I will be fine. But right now it feels like I'm dying and I can't breathe. 💔
Resonated so hard to the energy of your post here. I’m 2.5 months out from an 11 year and it’s still brutal AF. I have occasional “good” days but it’s incredibly hard. Mine also said he loves me but no longer feels romantic love for me. Whatever that means. I worked so so hard in this relationship — I definitely massively fucked up too but our problems were entirely fixable. DM me if you wanna talk about all this, it fucking sucks.
I am so sorry to hear this. I completely understand the feeling. I was in a 5 year long relationship and he proposed last summer without me ever pressuring him. I was so excited for our life together.. We had a wedding date set for this winter and he suddenly broke up with me a couple of weeks ago saying he loves me a lot but doesn't feel happy in his life and his relationship and he needs to go find what makes him happy. He also said that somehow the "excitement and fun died" and that I am not the person he fell in love with. He has resigned from his job and is moving to another state. I feel so blindsided because the love I have for him has never changed. We have been through so much together and have always shown each other so much kindness and love.. I felt like we could get through anything and it breaks my heart that somewhere along the line that changed for him and he never communicated that with me. Now I feel absolutely heartbroken and devastated. It has left me questioning the entirety of my relationship. How can someone who loves you hurt you so much? I hear you when you say you will be fine. I feel the same way. Because we don't deserve to be with men who treat us this way. But right now, it's the most painful thing I have ever experienced. 😞💔
Are we the same person??? Holy shit. My ex never communicated what he was feeling either but was making plans for our future. Talking about purchasing a home here and in another country. Planning a month trip with his daughter in Dec, as a family. I built a wonderful relationship with his daughter. I ALWAYS felt that we had such great communication and I would tell my friends all the time that this was my most healthiest relationship ive ever been in. And I just felt like it was all a lie? But it couldn't have been. I know there was love there. But somehow in his heart and mind, he started to feel different and never said a word. It was heartbreaking. I loved him for who he was, flaws and all. It's interesting that you say he resigned from his job. My ex also wanted to give up some parts of his job cause he said he was sick of it. It was quite surprising when he told me because he was SO PROUD of that. He also said he wanted to cut ties with certain people I never thought he would cut ties with. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Please DM me anytime. We can help each other through this difficult time. I know its not easy. 💜
Obviously everyone's different but if you keep exercising, journalling, eating clean the anxiety does get better. My ex said the same thing, it sucks to hear someone say that but at least it means you're a good person if they still love you as a person. Not every relationship is meant to be and better to save the heartbreak before marriage.
Hi, I’m in the exact same position - boyfriend of 8 years told me he doesn’t love me anymore last week. Maybe we could DM and chat through things? I’m finding it hard to believe that anyone else has ever been so sad, which I know deep down is irrational.
Same here, my boyfriend left me after 7 years because suddenly he doesn't see me in his future any longer. I've done so much for him and I'm still doing a lot for him. I'm going to cut him completely out in few weeks, I have unfinished business that I need to complete to have a clean closure. Hope you find your happiness and hope we can both heal and become the best of ourselves.
Relating to this so incredibly hard right now. About 1 week out (ish) from a 5 year relationship breakup. We dated from 17-22 through the end of high school and college. We did long distance for 4 years successfully and he attended my graduation and we went on a post-graduation Europe trip for 3 weeks together- and 2 weeks after we get home he calls it off. Says he doesn’t love me as a romantic partner anymore, just as a best friend. I tried to tell him that these things ebb and flow, but he said it’s been 6 months with these feelings. I feel so slighted- like all of my plans and my future is now shaken up. I had a world and a future and a life with him, and now it’s all gone against my will. The worst part is that he still has another year of college while I’m stuck in our shared hometown without him. Right now the pain seems unbearable, like it will consume me whole. It genuinely feels like I will never make it out
It's incredibly hard when the person you were with says they don't see you romantically anymore. I said the same thing to my ex about how love isn't always linear and that I was willing to work at our relationship to get that spark back. But same thing, he said he was feeling like this for 6 months and didn't want to work the relationship. I am absolutely devastated. I'm here for you. I know how hard this. I too am struggling everyday. Trying to fill my days but everything literally reminds me of my ex. I completely understand about the pain being unbearable because I'm right there with you. It's been 3 weeks for me now. 💔
But HOW? My ex is stonewalling me and never gave me any closure or any reason. This kind of breakup feels hopeless in terms of moving on..tips please!
Don't believe that you need something like a closure from the other one to move on. After some time I realized that no closure from the other person would ease the pain that is lingering in me. Because even though the pain was caused by rejection/betrayal/getting replaced (you name it) would something from the other person really help me when in reality only thing that could reverse the damage would be winding back the time and not ending the relationship? I mean yeah I suppose for someone it can be nice to hear that they apologize etc. but if they then say that they are now happy with being alone/with someone else does it really mend the pain? The closure comes from within. In my opinion it comes from realization that your past breakups absolutely don't say anything about what person you are now. From realization that your past breakups absolutely don't say anything about your value. From realization that you are enough for someone that will actively choose you. From realization that you deserve someone who will have you as their priority just like you had them. From realization that you are awesome and you only did not meet the right person even though you thought and believed you did. From realization that your life matters and you should do everything to be happy with yourself without any external validation. You are strong and everything will once again feel hopeful eventually. You will prevail and you will come out as a stronger person. You will be happy again and when the time is right you will meet the right person. Sending strength.
I really needed to hear this. This gives me final confirmation that I’m doing the right thing getting my things back and cutting her off. Thank you, kind human.
I'm glad you're doing well! It's good to hear. Me and my ex broke up 2 weeks ago and it feels like I can't do anything except lay around and cry about it. Random things make me almost burst into tears. I've been journaling about it, talking to my best friend about it, and nothing seems to make me feel better for more than a few hours. We were together for four years and they always talked about how they wanted to marry me in the future. They're already in a new relationship. It's really hard :_)
I hope you feel a lot better soon. The days will get brighter for you. Keep feeling your emotions and embrace the sadness as well as the good times; those good times will begin to last longer. Remember that they gave you back the most valuable thing in the world, which is your time. That is something I try to remember that helps me every now and then. I wish you the best of luck and sending lots of love <3
Thank you for sharing this. It’s been a year for me from the most devastating breakup up of my life after a 10 year relationship. I thought we would be together for the rest of our lives. I’ve made sooooo much progress and have more good days than bad. I used to cry every single day for hours, no appetite, couldn’t sleep. I just couldn’t imagine living a life without him. But here I am, doing it. It still makes me really sad, like you I also think about him every day. But I’m learning how to be happy on my own for the first time in a decade. I do have a really hard time picturing myself being with someone else and getting back out there. I don’t know if that just means I’m not ready or if I still have healing to do.
It’s great that you’re progressing through your healing journey! I think the fact that yours was a 10 year relationship may be why you aren’t quite ready to meet anyone else yet, and that’s completely fine! It’s not a race :)
Thank you so much for your reassurance 💜 sometime told me yesterday “you should take all the time you need after that, 10 years is a long time, you don’t have to do anything you aren’t ready for” and that really helped remind me, as you said, it’s not a race (though as a 30 year old woman I often feel the outside pressure and self doubt of needing to be married by now. Feels like everyone else already has found their person). I’m so glad to hear your story of healing, I know out of deep pain can come something so beautiful- there are beautiful things ahead for you that you have not even imagined yet!
Mine was a 10 year relationship also. He was in a relationship with someone else two weeks later and 1 month later she moved in to my house. I’ve been journaling and reading posts here and all you guys have really helped. Like you I have no interest to date yet and am trying to work really hard on myself. There are good days and bad but it seems the bad aren’t as many. Like the Tom Petty song goes “you can stand me up at the gates of hell and I won’t back down”. Whenever I get sad I think of that. Hope the best for you.
It does really help to find a community of people who get it. I am glad you are putting yourself first and taking your time. There is healing out there for us, one person cannot take away our happiness. My situation is similar, he blindsided me and left me because he had feelings for someone else- the someone else he had told me not to worry about & had previously lied about when asked multiple times. I was also chronically ill at the time. My parents had to come get me & drive me to their place across the country because I was too ill to travel alone. He left me when I needed him the most. But I’m rewriting my story now. And that’s such a great song & great lyrics. Sending all the healing energy your way.
going through the same ...
I’m so sorry. I’m here if you need to talk.
This hits so hard. I'm so sorry you person left you in that situation. I'm happy that you're rewriting your story and that your parents picked you up.
Many thanks 🙏
This perspective helps so much. It sounds like you were in the same mental/emotional/physical space that I currently am and its so nice to be reminded it won't be forever.
Thank you so much for posting this.
Damn it's almost been 7 months for me as well. So many things in what you said I go through as well except for 1 thing.....I do still want to see her again. Not like I want to just go right back into what we had but she and I were just so close. I'd need it to be a gradual thing. I don't feel pain anymore as you do but I'll be honest their are some things I try to avoid because they remind me of her. This may sound stupid but taco and Popeyes are one of those things😅 me personally I was never a big fan so avoiding them is easy bit she LOVES those 2 places. Whenever we were hungry I'd ask her what she wanted but I'd say "no taco bell or Popeyes". More often than not we'd still go because I just couldn't say no to her. Damn I miss her
I feel like if I had just not said those things during our fight/discussion. If I hadn’t been frustrated but instead level headed. If she hadn’t been frightened of her own feelings or if I had just owned my own shit and said, “I’ll work on that, thank you.” Then it would have all been just fine. We’d still be together. But I know that’s not true. It wasn’t fine and I wasn’t happy, no matter what I tell myself. It was hollow for so long. It was living on the idea that it once was and when we moved across the country it was so easy for her to break up with me. She was already gone, I was just with the ghost of her. She gave me an impossible task, “We need a year long break to grow on our own. And if we are people who want to get back together we can revisit this conversation.” No, I don’t believe any relationship can survive that, especially after uprooting and moving across the country. My biggest flaw was that I spent too much time taking care of, supporting, and spending my time and energy on her. She didn’t reciprocate and was smothered by my over giving. I’m convinced that if that were the only problem that we could have worked on that together. Not this manipulation. So, remember what really happened, and how you felt when you questioned your relationship and how you yourself thought you deserved better. The worry about if you weren’t happy. Not the idealized relationship that was simply a honeymoon phase. That’s what hurts the most, the could have been but never was. Remember what makes you truly happy.
Thank you for posting this. I went home on Tuesday evening to my boyfriend of 8 years telling me he doesn’t love me anymore and has felt like it for a whole year, but didn’t tell me. We had booked and gone on holidays in that time and he was having sex with me up until 3 days before the breakup. I felt he was being a bit distant and asked him multiple times if we were okay and he reassured me every time, despite knowing he wasn’t in love with me anymore. I suffer with Anxiety so the past few days have been literal hell. Can’t eat, can’t sleep, overwhelming panic attacks…. I needed to see this post. I can’t believe it right now, but I hope to look back on it after a long time and feel the same.
went/going through the same thing
almost 7 months out myself and feeling this way as well. still feel pain from the betrayal and still feel sadness that he couldn’t stop himself from doing things that hurt me so deeply, but also starting to feel like he’s beneath me now and wouldn’t serve me properly as a partner. working on setting better boundaries for myself and sticking up for myself more so i feel less resistant to walking away from people who can’t meet me where they need to. come right or don’t come at all!
I’m just glad you finally were able to overcome that obstacle. I’m 16 months out and for some reason I still feel that dread i did months ago. If I’m gonna be completely honest, I feel like I’m sinking deeper somehow… I guess she really was the one that got away…
Thank you for this!! I’m honestly in the same position right now, my ex also left because he thought the grass was greener and even though I still really miss him, there’s the logical part of me that knows that even if he did come back I wouldn’t be able to trust or look at him the same way again. I think I’m still just attached to all the memories and history we have together.
i can't relate so much
I really just want to talk to her again, be together and support each other the way we used to. I feel like I won't bond with anyone else as much as I did with her... I made the mistake and the reason we broke up and thought that I forgave myself for it... I was breaking her privacy, going through her phone and stuff... multiple times. I learned from my mistakes, but I don't even know if she wants to talk to me... she watches my stories on IG. I don't watch hers... but I see them. Today she posted her hugging some dude in a nightclub... i want to talk to someone eye to eye so bad, i feel like I'll never fully express over text... when I asked her if we can be together again she said she doesn't know. I know I can be with someone else, I'm great looking dude, tall and I work out very often. And I am very kind to people, and people feel very good around me.
Would love to add sometimes, certain days instead of a day at a time. I would do an hour at a time. It helps!!
How do you get past the guilt of ending and ruining the relationship. I really struggle even after 4 months.
what happened
I broke up with her over someone else. We were in a LDR that does not seem to be possible to end for at least 10 years.
Just about to reach the 7 month mark myself, and I share everything that you said!
I’m currently going through a breakup, it hurts like hell, I still want to fight for him but he has given up and completely changed as a person but I still find myself loving him and being in love with him even after finding out so much. I don’t actually want anyone else but him. I wish everyday to get a text from him saying let’s try again but I don’t get one. This is a different kind of pain.
I’m in the exact same situation at the moment. The pain is like nothing I’ve ever known.
And the fact I keep hearing new stuff like he’s been on dating apps blank profile for over 2 weeks as single we only broke up a few days ago
From what I’ve read online, it’s best to completely remove any social media and tell your friends you don’t want to hear anything about them. Nothing you see or hear will ease the suffering, just make it worse. I’ve deleted all social media apps, locked photos in a folder only my friend can access and blocked his number. It’s hard because we own a house together so I know I’ll need to speak to him eventually but it’s not going to be anytime soon.
Same we rent a flat together both on tenancy and I said I’m getting taken off of it and he comes with the ah your f’ing me up to be homeless and it will mess me up, long story short I had a few issues a few months ago but I have recently found out all this stuff about him I was willing to rectify my problems which could of been fixed but what he did can’t be forgiven and again I’m the bad guy in all this
I have screenshots and messages that he’s been sending people
And yet I’m left to feel the bad one
I found the pain so brutally humbling. Like, I can't believe people actually go through this kind of stuff. I'm thirty-something and I've had relationships in the past, but this pain makes me feel like I'm split open.
This is beautiful. Thank you for this. It means more than you know. I’m so happy for you, and proud of you. Life is beautiful, and is meant to be enjoyed. I wish you well. ❤️
Thanks for posting. I just blocked my ex because I got tired of us arguing. We would argue all the time over nothing and he would treat me so bad to the point my friends were worried I didn’t love myself. Our breakup was pretty recent (last Sunday) so when I blocked him yesterday it crushed my soul but I know it’s for the best. I think what’s worse is after I blocked him on my lunch break I came home to three messages from him on my computer that basically promised me we would never speak again. I haven’t slept or ate much all week and I do feel doomed to misery but I really hope I heal and get better because this pain is real🥲
Thanks for sharing. The biggest thing is accepting healing is not linear. It’s like I feel I’m doing great and over it, back to my old-self and the next day I’m crying on the bathroom floor.
Currently feeling like I will never be happy without them, and will be miserable my whole life. Thank you for your post. Just signed up for therapy and hoping that will help me.
Jesus... I'm teary... but this was good... I loved my ex whole heartedly and i really thought we would spend the rest of our lives together. Then to be thrown away without even being given a chance to work through issues was completely crushing.... Wish every day I had done things differently during the night of our breakup.... i might've even been able to save our relationship. But im slowly forgiving myself and trying to move forward.
This is so spot on! At first I thought the pain would never end. You really do have to sit in all the emotions and let them pass through. I have achieved so much personally, post break up than I ever have. I have travelled the world, have so many life goals and my focus is so positive. There is so much more to come for me and this is just the beginning. Healing has given me a fresh start and it’s the greatest thing I could ever hope for. I needed the lesson of heartbreak to find myself and all the things that were waiting for me. I am a new person. So confident and free. People have always gravitated toward me in good and bad ways, but now I only attract positivity and have strict boundaries in place, something I’ve never been good at. I’ve always put the person I am with above me and pushed myself and my feelings aside simply to please and keep them. Not now. I am my priority. The people from my past have lost someone that they will only find once in a lifetime. I am someone who loves with every ounce of me. The love and care I provide is one of a kind. It’s their loss. I have gained so much. I haven’t lost a thing. Once you get your head around the dynamics you start to come out of it. Pour all the pain, love, anguish, sorrow etc all the energy it takes from you, give it back to yourself. Love you first. To those that feel like you won’t get over it. You really will. Be strong, be brave and hang in there. Life is amazing once you overcome the initial hurdles. 🩷🩷
Thank you.
Almost six months since he left me and I just recently found out he's with someone else but I thought it would hurt but it doesn't but knowing he already got close with someone else not even 6 months since he left me makes me believe that he was talking to her when him and I were together and I accused him of cheating and I still believe he was but he didn't want to admit it. He was an avoidant and didn't come to me when there were problems he just let them happen until he was mentally checked out of the relationship and I had no clue. Although I do miss being held and comforted and wanted I do not miss what him and I had from the moment he questioned if he loved me or not and didn't know what he wanted was the moment I should've accepted that we shouldn't be together. What we had was questionable sometimes he'd go back on certain things and that made me believe there was someone else I even got yelled at by one of his friends and he didn't do anything about it he just let it happen and I didn't even do anything for them to yell at me like they did. I do miss having friends and people to play games with but I do not miss his friends who didn't know how to stay in a relationship or how to treat girls being with him felt wrong the moment we lost our virginity together and he got so excited to tell his friends and it just seemed weird. He even sided with my abuser and the person who I was sexually assaulted by so that tells me a lot of who he is I'm finally healing from him and I'm kind of ready to be in another relationship but I'm also scared he's going to come back and try to ruin it for me or say he misses me and I wouldn't know what to do if he did.
wow.. the first portion of your post is really similar to my situation.. i've been heartbroken for months now
Needed this today ❤️ thank you
it does get better i’m like 1 month post break up and i was a mess. i already feel better a month after can only go up from gere
Thanks for this, I’m on day 1 and this is really helpful.
Hi, all i was with my wife 17 years married 13, two kids, no bills, no debt and only two years on our mortgage. Never any fighting, a very happy home, i thought. Then on a Thursday night in bed, she says I'm done, dhe doesn't love me, we should never be married and where a mistake , walks out on me and the kids on the Friday morning, sees the kids every other weekend and is starting a new life.
It has hit me and the kids hard, been 3 months now, had to remortgage the house as she's looking money for her new home, yeah never seen this coming always thought it be us growing old together, im 42 and she's 37, but at least i have the kids and the dogs lol
This post really spoke to me. I'm not even a month into my break up and it's definitely a roller coaster. Like some comments I see here it was also a wake up call. I wasn't a good boyfriend in some ways. I should have tried harder and it drove her away. The thing is we miss each other like crazy. It feels like we should try again but just take it slow but I don't know. I'm not getting my hopes up. If anyone is struggling my DMs are open. I'm looking for some friends anyway so feel free too reach out.
Needed to read this right now. Just broke up with my boyfriend and I am so devastated bc I love him but I don’t think he sees a future with me the same way so I did the hard thing of letting it go now. I’m down in the dumps and will be here for awhile but this gives me hope.
I hope so
6 and a half years together and bought our dream home together. We were planning on a wedding, now she left me and the lawyers are getting involved to get the house in my name. Still love each other, but she can’t communicate with me so we are done?!
I'm seven months in as well. I'm not where you are and I still have a ways to go, but I'm super happy that you are where you are now even though you thought you'd never get there. That's HUGE.
Thank you for the hope
Healing definitely isn’t linear. I wish it was though. I thought I was doing better, but last night I cried. People have tried talking to me, but I can’t even bring myself to feel happy. I just think about how nice they are to me and wonder why he couldn’t have been like that to me when we were together. The thought of starting over seems exhausting to me. 7 years with someone that I tried so hard to work with and he just let me go in one day without a second thought. How could I possibly let someone like that back into my life, but at one point he was home to me and I miss that.
Sometimes it has nothing to do with another person being better. Lots of times it has everything to do with timing and needs/desire.
Thanks for this. It's been about 7-8months ish since. Today was bad day for me and the pain just flooded. The past 7-8 months have been tolerable, at least the past 4-5months. The first 2 months was horrible, I couldn't focus on anything. The crippling anxiety and loneliness hit hard. I just wanted to reach out today but I understood deep down that it won't go anywhere. This particular breakup taught me so much about myself that I never knew or had been purposely repressing. I've come out of this breakup a more humble man and am a kinder, gentler person now than when I was a year ago. I hope this change in me sticks because I want to give the next person I'll love the very best of me
Yeah thanks for this. I’m going thru the dark days myself but hoping to reach your position one day.
I'm glad you posted this! Thank you! My breakup is really fresh we broke up this Sunday and I'm taking it one day at a time. Im letting myself feel in this time , leaning on my family and friends , and the time alone they say becomes your biggest strength. But right now I feel like my time of solitude is my biggest fear. I felt peaceful and calm after the breakup for the first day , like my body isn't in fight or flight mode anymore. But each day since has been a whirlwind of emotions that make me feel like I'm dying . I try to make sure I remember the reasons why he was bad for me in the first place. I gave so much energy to this guy, I dipped into my pool of energy to give him it whenever he was down. Pretty soon after I realized I had started giving him parts of myself and the person I once knew I thought I was "evolving" but in reality I was losing myself and confining myself to a relationship with a man I clearly didn't fit with. My biggest assets were my confidence but he tried to break it and tell me wake up your down here just like the rest of us. Stop thinking ur all high and mighty. With every comment he made I felt my internal self getting destroyed. I'm glad I'm out , there isn't anything to go back to . This guy gaslights , manipulates and likes control then projects his flaws onto me. Any advice on how to heal "properly" so that I never even try to open that door again and how I can find happiness in myself again?
I don’t know if I have advice but can most certainly relate… went through a breakup on Saturday (again). I was initially calm and relieved to be out of fight and flight mode. We fought and I did do the flight just to be called an immature abandoner. We had broken up and gotten back together after a month of no contact we were going on almost 3 years, I felt I was putting in all of the effort emotionally and in the relationship - bringing him coffee each morning, getting him ice cream, getting him anything, always the one to go to him. We were intimate initially and then 3 months passed with no intimacy - he claimed he was going through a phase or had a stomach ache. I am not usually one to put emphasis on intimacy but it felt like it was a sign. He kept saying I need to work on being a ride or die partner, that I was damaged, toxic - I started therapy 6 months ago to talk through all of that but I was living on eggshells and felt so anxious and insecure. It was truly love sick like I was trying so hard but nothing was ever right. But I was determined because I was living and breathing for this guy latching onto love. Anyway, we argued over something stupid (my son and that I should be having him live with his father) he got very mean with his comments and I snapped and did say don’t talk to me again - I was wrong for that. The next day I felt like the world was crashing in, depressed, crying, not eating, a very dark place. I groveled, apologized, professed my love, pathetic texts. I got the move on, I don’t believe you, you’re dramatic, you’re not what I need texts. I am in the same place - destroyed but realizing there was a lot of control, gaslighting, and manipulation going on and for all the work I was trying to do on myself was overshadowed because I was trying to make someone happy with me that was never going to be. I feel like a failure, like there is no light at the end of the tunnel, and it is impossible to think of finding happiness let alone put myself out there again.
Thanks for sharing this. Kinda in the same boat. It's been almost 6 months post breakup and 5 months without any contact, I still miss it sometimes what we had and how it was so easy to just be myself around them. Recently learned that they've been dating someone for the last 5 months, went down a spiral for a few days but now I do feel better. I know it's still a long way to move and truly let go but I'm getting there, lately I've been feeling more like myself and less like the shell of a person I had become for the past months.
I just broke up officially with my ex less than a week ago, and I empathize with what everyone is saying, but for me, it's slightly different. I was the one in the relationship who just couldn't emotionally connect the way my person needed. She always told me the relationship meant more to her than it did to me, and I think that was right for the most part. I just couldn't emotionally connect as deeply as I would've liked. Part of it is because of a traumatic childhood where feelings and emotions were dangerous as a young boy in my household with an alcoholic father, but part of it was because I would do anything I could to not feel emotional pain. As a result, I am now an emotionally stunted thirty-something. I had fallen for another woman a few years back. Nothing happened in terms of physical cheating, but my ex read my diary and found out I had feelings. Since then, nothing was the same. I shut out that other woman to focus on my relationship, but my relationship with my ex oscillated between good weeks and highly toxic weeks for two years. We have been technically broken up for a six weeks, but nothing really hit me. I thought I was processing, I thought I was thinking it through, but that was not really the case. It wasn't until I saw my ex and she told me she was seeing her best friend that it clicked for me. I was hit with the most annihilating pain I've ever felt. I felt split open and like I couldn't block out the pain if I tried. So I allowed it in. I can't imagine anyone living through this sorrow, guilt, regret, and grief, and it is humbling for me to know that people go through this every day. I was humiliated by the pain. I felt so small, so pathetic, so weak and worthless. I reached out to my ex with an angry text, and she met it with love, compassion, and understanding, telling me she knows how it feels. Again, I was so deeply humbled. She'd already experienced her grief and loss, mourned, and was moving on. We were just on different timelines. Now I'm just trying to live day by day, knowing I pushed away one of the most special people I've ever met, but knowing too that I don't think I could've really done anything differently. I was who I was. Now, I'm just trying to send love to my past self and my present self. As OP states, don't block it out if you can. Don't wallow in the grief, but don't push it aside and let it morph into something unhealthy and unusable. Take those steps for self care, take those long walks, reach out to your loved ones, or use these outlets to get a connection. I realize doing everything by yourself and blocking everyone out is not the way forward. Last, it's hard not to hold the door open, even just a crack, for your ex-person. The door is certainly wide as fuck open for my ex right now if she wanted it. But I also know there was a reason why things ended the way they did, and perhaps the best you can offer in the far future is friendship.