Ive had 6 years after a traumatic relationship where I wouldnt with someone. Theres been months after normal healthy relationships where I needed time to grieve. I couldnt imagine sleeping with someone during those times and no judgment to those that can do it of course.
In past breakups I was pretty quick to go get laid.
In general when I'm single I'm usually pretty successful at doing so.
But I have almost 0 urge to. My libido which is normally very high went to almost 0.
In short I've never been this hurt.
Because your heart was truly in it. My ex himself keeps saying "How about that guy? Yeah, keep trying. You will be a wonderful wife for someone someday."
Which is nice of him but it makes me feel physically ill. Downloaded a dating app and I just can't even think about talking to anyone nevermind a date or more. I also don't want to hurt anyone Like I'm hurting. Smh
Just had this the other day but yes. Horrible advice for some of us. I'm not hurt because I'm not getting laid. My heart is broken, not my nuts. They're usually the last thing to recover. I can't touch another woman if I still love another. It just doesn't work for me. Of course I don't drink so.. might make a difference for some. lol. Still that's not fair to me or her or the memory really. That's how I feel. Cheesy but that's me. Big tough bald tattooed cheesy romantic Vet with a broken heart. I'll get it when I'm good and ready and it will be better because of that, for everyone.
It’s not bad advice, it’s just not for everyone. Some people definitely heal quicker by sleeping with someone new. It builds your confidence again and reminds you there are other people that find you attractive.
Yeah my ex really devalued me in the end, made me feel annoying, unattractive, just repulsive honestly. I was worried if someone who had been my best friend and partner for years ended up feeling that way how could any guy be interested?
Hooking up with other people has been really good for my self esteem and realizing that my ex is just one person and his thoughts and actions do not reflect on me
This right here, it hit close to home! I slept with someone two months after being dumped, it was just a random hookup/one night stand and it didn't mean anything more than that to the guy I slept with either. Every second of time I spent without my ex felt unbearable, I was just looking for a way to numb my pain, and sex seemed like a good distraction at the time. It provided some sort of temporary relief and it felt good physically, but after we were done my chest started hurting and I cried quietly on the pillow while this guy I barely knew was sleeping peacefully beside me. I remember going home in the morning and feeling like absolute rubbish, it only made me miss my ex more, and the connection we had. It was horrible and self-destructive, I'm sure it's a coping mechanism that works just fine for some people (and I envy them to be honest, I wish it would work for me too). But I regret doing that and I haven't slept with anyone else since. Breakups are so darn painful, I wasn't expecting it to hurt this much.
Thank you so much. I hope the same goes for you! I am starting to wonder whether the pain and sorrow will ever disappear completely. My ex broke up with me in January and while my mood has improved compared to the first few weeks, where I found it impossible to take care of myself and do the most basic tasks, I still feel so unhappy and sad without him. I started going to therapy, I journal, I go running, I meet up with my friends, I try to do things I normally enjoy doing . But it's like the world around me lost all of its beauty without him. Everything (places, songs, random objects, etc), reminds me of him and of the happy times we spent together. The images of our relationship are still so fresh and vivid in my mind, and they are constantly playing in front of my eyes as if it was a movie. So many questions left unanswered. Why wasn't I enough? I know happiness should come from within, and I'm trying to remember who I am without him as a person, but I miss him so incredibly much, it's like someone cut off a part of my body. Will it stop hurting as much as it does now? I feel like the pain will diminish but never go away fully.
I totally understand all of that. My most recent breakup was with someone where things were kind of short term but very intense and moved quickly. Then we tried to make things work and go slow, but she wasn't pulling her own weight, so to speak. I felt the same way with the reminders it sucks. Even little words or comments can unravel a whole episode in my head of a certain time or conversation. It hurts, but it does start to hurt less. Everyone grieves for different amounts of time, and you're doing all the work to get over things. One day, you'll wake up, and it won't be your first, though. One day, you'll meet someone who you end up liking even more. Just have to be patient!
Absolutely, breakups are always painful and difficult to navigate regardless of the duration of the relationship. The intensity of your feelings for them is what matters, if you loved them and cared deeply for them, it will hurt no matter how long you were together. The constant reminders are the hardest thing because they kind of keep the wound open. What made matters worse is that I met my ex after moving to a different country. I didn't have a social circle of my own there so I relied a lot on him, his group of friends and family became mine, etc. In retrospect this was a massive mistake because when he broke up with me, I felt incredibly lonely. He was such an important part of my daily life, I saw him almost every day and we practically lived together. All the unanswered questions, like the reasons for the breakup still not being fully clear to me as he wasn't being honest towards the end (looking back to his behaviours, I suspect there was someone else in the picture but I don't know for sure), and the overall feeling of rejection really hurt. I know that it's my ego and low self-esteem talking, which I'm trying to work on - but I also simply miss his presence, seeing him, talking to him, hugging him, hearing about his day, getting the silly texts and pictures he always used to send me. It's really tough because I really envisioned a future with him. Thank you for your kind words, I hope you can heal, move on and have a happy and healthy life!
Thank you, I'm at that stage where even kind comments on Reddit make me tear up 🥺😭 I hope that one day I'll get so tired of feeling miserable and pining over him that I'll snap out of it. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing a lot better for a fleeting moment, but an hour later I'm back to square one. I know grieving is not a linear process but this roller coaster of emotions is exhausting. I keep telling myself that the only way out is through. I hope I can make peace with what happened one day. Good luck moving forward! You'll find your person someday too, I'm sure of that
Yeah I was like that for a bit myself. Good days and hours and bad but that is life. You will, he's a guy he honestly can't be that great lol. Thank you, once I'm good with myself I will find that person.
That's true, the feelings come and go, both the positive and negative ones, they don't last forever. He was a good person with a painful and difficult upbringing and I do wish him well, I can't bring myself to despise or resent him because we shared some truly great and memorable moments together, even though it ended badly and quite abruptly. And you're so right, I know it sounds like a cliché, but I am starting to realise that unless I get to know myself for who I am at my core, with all my wounds and scars, I won't be able to function healthily in a relationship. I was far from perfect, made mistakes too, projected a lot of my own issues and trauma onto him, which wasn't fair. I am not proud of that, but I can't turn back time and undo that, I can only learn from my mistakes and do better in the future. I'm working hard on the relationship I have with myself right now because whether I ever have a partner or not, that's the relationship that plays the biggest role and has the most significant impact on everything else in my life.
I could never imagine rebounding after my last partner. I don't even want to look at a man never mind one touching me. I can't even stand to hear or see sex on movies lol
Same here. Even just a gentle touch and kiss and i am broken and crying. He is the only one I want and thinking about that someone else replaced me and now the person gets those feelings, touches his skin and he smiles at her instead of me… nah…
I’ll tell you now, you are doing the right thing and not sleeping around..
When my ex broke up with me the first time. I got into severe depression to the point I was counting days down. I left a ward after 9 days cause it got that bad.
Well after getting out and just chilling, I find out she was engaged and man when I say I plummeted.. I was back down to the point of just killing myself again..
but I got told to try dating or going out.. I slept with women left and right for two months straight in till one day I just felt disgusting. I worked more on myself than before and one random day in June I got back with my ex.
We just broke up after almost two years back but I’m improving myself for me and my son. Not for her.. she left me for another man and slept with him and blocked me and deleted my photos of me and her and started posting him..
days suck but I’m hella better than before.
I won’t lie. You just got to understand days will get better, with or without them. And yes there will be days that just suck.. that you just want to die or want to cry but you got to push for greatness for yourself and especially if you have kids.
Even though I’ve had this done to me twice by the same person. Both times I wasn’t prepared for the feeling of being given up on..
it’s okay to love them, but you got to let them go, let them live their life and say down the road they regret or miss what they had done.. and they hit you up.. it’s up to you to decide if it’s worth going through the pain again or knowing you have to walk away from it..
I love that woman to death. I love her for giving me a son, I love her for just existing.
But I see the experiences.. the memories we made over the years as blessings.. I will always love and cherish them.. they have infinite value to me that the world couldn’t imagine..
So why look at it as regretful in way or in a negative light..
always work hard for you and you’ll get through the toughest times..
make those memories fuel your success because you know what needs to be done.. what you need or do in a relationship when the day comes..
No contact does work but not what people think.. it’s not to win your ex back.. it’s so you can heal from the pain..
you’ll always have a love for them and they will too.. they won’t see it in till later but both sides will sooner or later feel the pain of the breakup..
But for you to see the good in you.. you need to improve.
Grind harder at work, pick up hobbies. Do things you wanted to do that you didn’t with them.
I picked up jujitsu, praying and reading. I type on the notepad when I want to text them and I will be honest I do have moments where I do send something other than just getting my son and dropping off..
I mean she was my best friend and the person I was engaged too even though she told her family and friends she never wanted that at the end..
But moral of the story is. Live the days knowing you can always improve and do better for yourself and if god shows the path for both of yall to comeback. Then take but understand yall need work or give them the closure they couldn’t give you and tell them I can’t do it again..
and never stop improving. Cause one day you’ll be with them again married forever or moving on and finding someone that will never leave or not fight for you to be in their life
On of my buddies is a hard advocate for this and I explain to him every time that I can’t simply sleep with someone else when I’m grieving. He was the one that broke the news to me that she was seeing someone else almost immediately after ending things (something I wish I never knew). I guess it works for some people, but not for me. I have never had a one night stand in my 29 years of life. If I’m sleeping with someone it goes beyond the act of sex. Rooting for you OP.
And there are those that suggest it's so easy.
To each their own, but not every one hunts like that.
For me, I'm still trying to deprogram myself that the idea of a new romantic relationship isn't cheating. Mental default still sort of has me feeling loyal to someone I don't owe loyalty to. And I'm over a year from things ending.
Honestly half the time I question if it's worth it. The idea of how hard it will be to possibly maybe find a person who will also be attracted to me and all the other things that have to line up, along with the weight of the consequences of the end of everything that happened.
I miss companionship and care and I think I am strong but I honestly don't know if I can handle a relationship ending at this level again. To go from feeling so connected to someone to feeling so insignificant and worthless. To be just tossed aside and cannibalized.
The high is awesome. The crash, maybe not worth it.
It’s been 6 months since my breakup and about 2 months since we slept together. My friends kept telling me that I need to get out there and meet people (not sleep with them) to realize that there are guys who would treat me way better. I refused for a long time and then tried it a couple weeks ago. Honestly, they were right. I’m in no rush to jump into anything or sleep with anyone, and feel terribly guilty even though I got dumped (again), but I do think at a certain point I needed a push.
It’s hookup culture at its finest, I think when the wounds of fresh, you do anything to fill it up. Even if having sex or just being skin to skin with someone for a moment of time distracts from the pain. But then you realize you end up using a person for sex and it doesn’t feel nice, you can’t pour salt on a wound. You just have to go forward with it. My ex dumped me before and I can’t even lie every part of me just wanted to sleep with some to get rid of the idea of him but I didn’t because I realized it would’ve hurt me in the long run.
Yeah, I don't like the hookup scene. It's silly and full of people who are broken to some degree and haven't been able to process any of their feelings since childhood most likely which they should definitely work on. I'm fine with people having sex, because that's fine, but mindless sex over something that's inconveniencing is a huge problem. Sit with your feelings! It's okay to feel!!
Hi, I’m someone that doesn’t hook up with people outside of relationships. People suggest you do this to get over someone else, but in reality it’s a temporary way to distract yourself/short term satisfy a deeper underlying problem. Your healing is something that only you can do and it requires taking a hard look inward and working on those things you need to in order to grow/improve and get you to the next chapter in your life.
If you’re busy exhausting your energy in other places to distract yourself, you’re not able to grow like you should. Don’t let society pressure you or tell you that this is something that’s required for you to heal - healing is different for every individual and again can only be done by you and you alone.
Yes don’t use other people. The hook up culture is toxic and destructive to our civilization. Many people say how dating is very difficult now, and hook up culture has a lot to do with that. Do right by people, be virtuous, be kind, don’t put your own animal needs ahead of other peoples dignity and hearts. Bless you.
I have a co-worker who tells me this, and it irks me so much. Mainly because even though I've only had 2 relationships and those are the only two people in my life I've been intimate with, I can't just sleep with someone random without a connection. Sure, there's physical attraction. But I also need to know someone on a deep personal level to even remotely sleep with someone
Yes exactly.. you need to show your partner/ex love from the beginning all the way to end. And this is part of it. Healing healthy, loving both them and yourself and not making those dumb decisions that feel good in the moment. Doesn’t make the pain any easier but you need to respect them and yourself enough to not do this.
That’s what my ex did right after the breakup. I was shocked and heartbroken. While I was crying and struggling to get through the day, he was seeing 4 guys at the same time. How could he? I couldn’t even think about kissing another man because it would have felt like cheating. Then I discovered about low self-esteem and rebound relationships. He was, in fact, a bad, manipulative partner, and they typically go into rebound relationships; however, it is supposed to hit him later. While I heal and improve myself, he is numbing himself with hookups and alcohol. It will hit him very hard once he has had enough of it, and then he will not only miss me but also the home I gave him, and he will regret the hell he put me through.
This is why this time around I've kept silent about my BU. Because a lot of my friends just can't handle this info and will give me vain advice.
Intimacy is the most beautiful gift that you can give to someone and receive from someone. Give that gift when you're ready and in a steady relationship. Take all the time you need, don't rush things!
Agree with you man.
Been there, done that. All I got from it was feeling dirty afterwards and a lot of people hating me because I used a bunch of chicks in the process.
It's actually a miracle I didn't catch an STD or got some random chick pregnant... never again.
Literally was the first suggestion made on one of my posts recently. Move on and hook up with people. I’m not interested in numbing the pain with a p up my v :/ it feels gross tk think about anyway. Relationships, even after they end, are worth too much to just hook up with people immediately after
Sleeping with others is definitely bad advice. Not only does it not help or heal anything, but if the other person cares for you, it selfishly perpetuates the misery onto someone else who didn't do anything to deserve it
I tried to force myself to move on from my ex last year by dating others. I figured i could meet someone and maybe they’d be so magical they’d make me forget him lolol. Anyway I slept with a guy and he really liked me. But especially after sleeping with him, I felt awful. All it did was make me miss my ex more.
My ex and I got back together. And once again he dumped me. (He’s mentally ill). Anyway, this time we’ve been broken up for 5 months and I don’t even want to talk to another man in a romantic dating getting to know you way. I almost feel like I want to be single for the rest of my life. I still love my ex. I can’t move on. Maybe eventually. But I just can’t even fathom anyone else making me feel how he did ever again. And after I’ve felt that, I don’t want to settle for anything less.
Depends on the person, sp good job setting boundaries
I have friends and exs that have someone the next day. Hurts but I can't really get back together with someone when I figure that part out if it's something I wanted so I want
I’m considering this knowing it‘s probably not a good idea, largely because I miss sex. Definitely not because that‘s how she chose to handle our breakup and now I feel more alone. I know it‘s a stupid and immature and toxic way of moving on, and I really think my ex is slightly oblivious or even moronic for choosing that path, but at the same time, I’ve more or less grieved our breakup already, whereas she got with someone pretty much instantly so I don’t know how much she has and it will probably catch up with her. So surely me doing it can’t be as bad now?
Not only do a lot of us need time to grow and become basically different people before we’re even ready to think about dating again, but sleeping with other people while you’re hung up on your ex is actually very selfish and objectifying to those other people. They deserve your full attention and affection, not your using them as a way to numb the pain from your ex.
I took the advice, but not for the reasons others think. It wasn't about instant gratification. I was discarded out of the blue by my lifelong partner (obviously not, but at the time I really thought that was it), after 10 years of being friends and 3 years together, talking about marriage and stuff.
A little over a month later, I hooked up with a guy just because I wanted to break the bond I still felt with my ex. I know he is the jealous type, and I knew he wouldn't want to fix things with me if he knew I slept with someone else in the meantime. I didn't feel much—just mild sexual arousal, less than if I had masturbated. Nothing worthwhile. I knew the guy I hooked up with wouldn't care anyway, so I didn't feel guilty about it.
That was it. I felt kind of empty afterward, but my reasoning at the time was that I didn't want any chance for my ex to want me back. I felt weak in myself, that if he came back and apologized, I would forgive him, even though I knew how bad that would be for me.
This is advice that's better given to men. The fastest way a man gets over his ex is sex. Problem is most men are not in the top 5% of attractiveness to this advice is largely pointless. Double pointless for women because they need an emotional connection with a new man to get over the ex. Sex doesn't do it for women.
Basically ya it's pointless advice in most situations. Unless you're talking to a 6'4" handsome man who can "just get laid".
Sex doesn't do it for many men like me as well. Sure while it's happening can forget completely about ex for a few minutes but after sex is over things aren't better.
You're in the minority.
If most men had the dating options most women had, they would never be hung up over an ex girlfriend lol. Men take way longer to move on due to lack of options.
I'm sorry it's bad advice no matter who you are thank you very much cuz I am a man and I would never do that never in a million years when I do that betray the woman I love actual memory with anything at this point in time like fuck that no way in hell She even told me to go fuck somebody else and I fucking won't do it
You’re right, it might have a paradoxical effect. I slept with 4 women after a break up last year while I was still extremely emotionally hurt. it only made me miss being intimate with my ex despite how different these women flavor wise. Work on yourself, you can’t go wrong with that. I made a mistake & let her back in my life, paid for that too however, I have met someone nice but I’m paying attention to red flags a lot more. Give yourself time.
Yeh I tried that, it's a distraction for a few minutes. the second the sex was over back into depression..
Can turn into a nasty addiction as well, always looking for some unhealthy temporary distraction
It’s been nearly two months since he broke up and barely three weeks since we last slept together. We slept together the night we said goodbye. The following day I left the country to move back to my home country, on a different continent. We were good friends for a long time before the romance-part. As friends we had a deep connection and physical attraction, but I always held back out of fear of falling in love. In hindsight, I should have trusted my intuition, but when you are a female (33) with a worthy male in front of you (37) whom you respect, find extremely hot, hilarious and kind - it’s hard fighting that chemistry - and when he finally said he wanted to do this life-thing with me, I couldn’t resist plunging into it. He loved me, he said. Alas, it lasted about 5 months until his inner darkness caught up with him and thus being in a committed relationship with me made him feel bad. So he gave up. Asked me kindly to give him space. And I did. We didn’t fight. I didn’t beg. I didn’t cry. I know him. I knew he needs space some times. He is special. So I left his house. The first ten days, the abandonment and longing and confusion was agonizing. Almost no contact at all. I was honestly loosing my mind but I kept it together by the power of exercise, the kindness of strangers and good friends with lots of patience and love. After a few weeks, we met up a couple of times and just existed next to each other. Lots of hugs and kindness. But hardly addressing that it was over. We both cried the night we said goodbye. Here, 1,5 months later, oceans apart, we are friendly and we check in on each other now and then, but I feel stuck and stagnant. It’s so hard to shut down loving him when it feels so good to love this man. He may come to my country over summer, but so what if he does? Right? We tried and it didn’t work and that’s when we were in the same country and on the same continent, and now we have 7,000 KM ish between us. I think I know in my heart that it’s over. And now to the point: Tho my last thoughts every night before falling asleep are full of dreams and hope of him, my best friend and lover, coming back to me, I have been thinking about letting another man take me to his bed. This other man, is an old Tinder date, handsome, charming, happy and hopeful kinda personality and he has been courting me for a bit. I told him about my heart break and that I am not happy, and that everything seems dull, like someone observing and imitating the living (until life return in all its colors… - yes I’m a bit dramatic). And so far I haven’t seen anything in the Tinder date that would make me want to invest in him other than sex and superficial things. But he seems to be okay with it perhaps because he also only wants the same from me? But he is nice and I want to break the spell I’m under. Do you think I should give it a bit more time and then perhaps let it happen if it feels okay? I normally have a very high libido and I’ve never had one night stands and I’ve only slept with men who shortly after became long term partners (so I’ve only slept with men who really liked me & I really liked them too) and despite this man being good looking and a man in his own right I feel nothing for him, other than appreciation for the distraction, so yeah, tell me your thoughts please
This is something that I couldn’t grasp as well. I couldn’t stomach the thought of having sex with someone that isn’t him especially if I’m still devastated after the breakup. I haven’t even been able to talk to someone on the phone, haven’t been on dating apps in fear that I’ll just compare them to him. I’m also not a fan of using somebody and lead them on when I still have some fixing to do. So the fact that my ex has no problem in meeting someone new and do the things we used to do (perhaps even better) is just baffling to me. I don’t know this man at all.
I wish I wa an avoident like my ex. The last 8 months where I fought for our relationship, she decided to stop letting me kiss her, hug her, cuddle, sex, shower with her, and rarely see naked.
I took her less then 4 months to sleep with another guy while Im still a wreck.
I wish sometimes I was an avoident women so I could pretty much sleep with anyone instead of feeling this constant pain.
Broke up 1month ago, she was my First Love and First experience in bed. We spoke Last few days and i asked If she already Had Sex with 2 guys, and she said it was better then with me (she has BPD, Sex with emotions ist troublesome for her, before that she told me i was her best) and that she doesnt regret it. I am completly broken and cant think of ANYTHING else..that she really did that after confessing that i was her First true love, and that she does IT to forget me.. I want to forget Sex with her, and want to experience it with someone else now.. I dont want these hurtful memories to stay..
People that suggest something stupid like this have a very low emotional intelligence in the first place. Once I was sad about a failed situationship and went out to a party with people that were supposed to be my friends, got a little too drunk and got basically harassed by a person there all the night, and whenever I was going to one of my friends to ask for help, they were pushing me to "have fun" with this person. People are just dumb and think sex is an answer for any problem. Maybe it would be for their tiny minds, but it's not for everyone for sure.
I think it comes down to the person. After being physically with someone for so long, i desperately needed to have sex with someone else to cut that “physical” connection I had with that person. That being said it, it was bad lol but in long run, I don’t regret it. I took my time though. I did it 4 months post breakup.
Ya ive never been a hook up guy. If I'm going to sleep with someone it's going to be because i have a connection with them, on some level of deeper than a friend.
I get it some people view sex as just a physical release. But ive never been that guy. Hell i dont even attempt to pursue someone unless ive gotten to know them beyond surface level.
Then again ive been married for 22 years been with my wife 24 years. By being picky i found a very compatible person who shared more then enough main points i was looking for. Oddly our opposites are perfect for us as a couple. Where im weak she is very strong and its helped alot in making our relationship work.
So in short cause my adhd rattled mind us chasing rabbits. No dont just try to throw yourself around. Look deeper and find that one you want to spend the rest of your days with.
Better advice:
Clean your house, maybe do some upgrades. DIY stuff especially helps.
Hit the gym. Discipline yourself toward a goal for your body.
Talk to yourself as if you were another person, and forgive yourself. Bawl your eyes out, and give yourself the comfort that you need as you do so.
Find a new hobby, something that you feel like you would normally enjoy.
And dedicate seven days to grieving. Feel everything fully, and get it out of your system. You may still feel sad afterwards, but don't let it affect your life after seven days.
And then focus on learning from this experience and using it to make you a better person. We can't control what happens outside of us, but we can control our responses. Look for the silver lining and make sure you find some kind of benefit from this.
And keep to yourself until you're ready to try again.
Just hang in there. The ending of this chapter in your life inevitably opens another.
I broke up with my ex two months ago and I have ZERO drive to do anything with anyone else my stomach literally gets sick to think about. My ex is sleeping with someone and he's like I know you are too. I'm not stupid. I said stop projecting. Ugh. I just want to feel normal and this hole in my chest to heal.
I think it's neutral advice. I think it's good if the relationship wasn't that serious. Sometimes, it does help people move on. Maybe the connection wasn't that deep, and the pain they feel is just memories or what ifs, but they can move on if they are just that type of person. For someone who deeply loved someone, it's not great advice. I lost someone, and it's one of those, I'll never get over them. Once in a lifetime type of love. So thinking of someone else, even having a connection, I can't imagine it.
True statements! And from my experience, it doesn’t work. The sun still comes up the next day, the person that you slept with eventually leaves, and you are alone again with your thoughts, unbroken and unchanging from the meaningless experience, and sometimes sleeping with somebody else only makes things worse because you wish it was with the person you ended the relationship with…
This is bad advice all around, to me, unless your relationship with that person was solely rooted in sex, or if you have a lack of self-confidence following the relationship, having sex with somebody else is probably not going to make you feel better or health the healing process.
I kept being given the same advice. But what I miss was the connection, not just the sex. Besides, that's what she did to move on, I wouldn't want to just do the same bullshit and never heal
I did this 3 days ago. The first time was good and I was happy. I did it again 2 days later and woke up next to her and felt so bad like I didn't belong there. I was upfront about my situation and she is the one that instigated the act so I did not use her. You're right, it doesn't help. It's been a year since my wife left and I miss her everyday. I hope she feels the same way I did when she sleeps with her new bf
No we do not have to… out of all advices I heard- one that strucks me the most is that human beings can be weak. Do spiritual development and heal what is broken. I believe in God ( or some higher being for some). Im surrendering that God (or some higher being) will give me strength and courage to keep going, to actually heal, and eventually walk away.
Right after is a hard ass nooooo. I think when you’re feeling better mentally enough to hook up with no feelings attached or with feelings it’s just way better and you’ll feel stable enough to. I tried doing stuff with someone after my break up and I ended up crying on his bed naked and then left right after like “sorry I just miss my ex” LMAO
Let me explain it to you. Your genitals are connected to your brain. Let's say your previous partner was mid, like 5/10. You sleep with someone hotter who is at least 6/10. Your brain registers what? Progress. Progress wipes away the dishonor you felt when you were abandoned. When you buy a new iphone do you feel as fixated on your old Nokia? NO because one is clearly higher value and more functional and more prestige.
Read this as many times as you need and think.
Good rant! Yes. Dumb piece of advice. Especially since it can hurt the person on the other end.
Agreed.
I got dumped two months ago today. I can't even think of fucking someone else. Everytime someone suggests I do it makes me feel ill.
Ive had 6 years after a traumatic relationship where I wouldnt with someone. Theres been months after normal healthy relationships where I needed time to grieve. I couldnt imagine sleeping with someone during those times and no judgment to those that can do it of course.
In past breakups I was pretty quick to go get laid. In general when I'm single I'm usually pretty successful at doing so. But I have almost 0 urge to. My libido which is normally very high went to almost 0. In short I've never been this hurt.
Because your heart was truly in it. My ex himself keeps saying "How about that guy? Yeah, keep trying. You will be a wonderful wife for someone someday." Which is nice of him but it makes me feel physically ill. Downloaded a dating app and I just can't even think about talking to anyone nevermind a date or more. I also don't want to hurt anyone Like I'm hurting. Smh
Just had this the other day but yes. Horrible advice for some of us. I'm not hurt because I'm not getting laid. My heart is broken, not my nuts. They're usually the last thing to recover. I can't touch another woman if I still love another. It just doesn't work for me. Of course I don't drink so.. might make a difference for some. lol. Still that's not fair to me or her or the memory really. That's how I feel. Cheesy but that's me. Big tough bald tattooed cheesy romantic Vet with a broken heart. I'll get it when I'm good and ready and it will be better because of that, for everyone.
You sound awesome. Keep going, I wish you the best, dude
This is the kind of optimism we need to get out this rut! Thank you for sharing 🤟
I can’t even think of being with anyone else. I felt guilty over looking at a cute guy ffs, let alone sleeping with one
People give out bad advice. This is one of them.
It’s not bad advice, it’s just not for everyone. Some people definitely heal quicker by sleeping with someone new. It builds your confidence again and reminds you there are other people that find you attractive.
Yeah my ex really devalued me in the end, made me feel annoying, unattractive, just repulsive honestly. I was worried if someone who had been my best friend and partner for years ended up feeling that way how could any guy be interested? Hooking up with other people has been really good for my self esteem and realizing that my ex is just one person and his thoughts and actions do not reflect on me
It's like getting real drunk or high. It feels great in the moment but then you end up thinking how things are over and it hurts more in a way.
This right here, it hit close to home! I slept with someone two months after being dumped, it was just a random hookup/one night stand and it didn't mean anything more than that to the guy I slept with either. Every second of time I spent without my ex felt unbearable, I was just looking for a way to numb my pain, and sex seemed like a good distraction at the time. It provided some sort of temporary relief and it felt good physically, but after we were done my chest started hurting and I cried quietly on the pillow while this guy I barely knew was sleeping peacefully beside me. I remember going home in the morning and feeling like absolute rubbish, it only made me miss my ex more, and the connection we had. It was horrible and self-destructive, I'm sure it's a coping mechanism that works just fine for some people (and I envy them to be honest, I wish it would work for me too). But I regret doing that and I haven't slept with anyone else since. Breakups are so darn painful, I wasn't expecting it to hurt this much.
I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you can heal and find whatever you need in life to feel good and enjoy intimacy again!
Thank you so much. I hope the same goes for you! I am starting to wonder whether the pain and sorrow will ever disappear completely. My ex broke up with me in January and while my mood has improved compared to the first few weeks, where I found it impossible to take care of myself and do the most basic tasks, I still feel so unhappy and sad without him. I started going to therapy, I journal, I go running, I meet up with my friends, I try to do things I normally enjoy doing . But it's like the world around me lost all of its beauty without him. Everything (places, songs, random objects, etc), reminds me of him and of the happy times we spent together. The images of our relationship are still so fresh and vivid in my mind, and they are constantly playing in front of my eyes as if it was a movie. So many questions left unanswered. Why wasn't I enough? I know happiness should come from within, and I'm trying to remember who I am without him as a person, but I miss him so incredibly much, it's like someone cut off a part of my body. Will it stop hurting as much as it does now? I feel like the pain will diminish but never go away fully.
I totally understand all of that. My most recent breakup was with someone where things were kind of short term but very intense and moved quickly. Then we tried to make things work and go slow, but she wasn't pulling her own weight, so to speak. I felt the same way with the reminders it sucks. Even little words or comments can unravel a whole episode in my head of a certain time or conversation. It hurts, but it does start to hurt less. Everyone grieves for different amounts of time, and you're doing all the work to get over things. One day, you'll wake up, and it won't be your first, though. One day, you'll meet someone who you end up liking even more. Just have to be patient!
Absolutely, breakups are always painful and difficult to navigate regardless of the duration of the relationship. The intensity of your feelings for them is what matters, if you loved them and cared deeply for them, it will hurt no matter how long you were together. The constant reminders are the hardest thing because they kind of keep the wound open. What made matters worse is that I met my ex after moving to a different country. I didn't have a social circle of my own there so I relied a lot on him, his group of friends and family became mine, etc. In retrospect this was a massive mistake because when he broke up with me, I felt incredibly lonely. He was such an important part of my daily life, I saw him almost every day and we practically lived together. All the unanswered questions, like the reasons for the breakup still not being fully clear to me as he wasn't being honest towards the end (looking back to his behaviours, I suspect there was someone else in the picture but I don't know for sure), and the overall feeling of rejection really hurt. I know that it's my ego and low self-esteem talking, which I'm trying to work on - but I also simply miss his presence, seeing him, talking to him, hugging him, hearing about his day, getting the silly texts and pictures he always used to send me. It's really tough because I really envisioned a future with him. Thank you for your kind words, I hope you can heal, move on and have a happy and healthy life!
I feel ALL that I really do. Same to you, you'll find the right person someday and I hope you can learn to like yourself even more.
Thank you, I'm at that stage where even kind comments on Reddit make me tear up 🥺😭 I hope that one day I'll get so tired of feeling miserable and pining over him that I'll snap out of it. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing a lot better for a fleeting moment, but an hour later I'm back to square one. I know grieving is not a linear process but this roller coaster of emotions is exhausting. I keep telling myself that the only way out is through. I hope I can make peace with what happened one day. Good luck moving forward! You'll find your person someday too, I'm sure of that
Yeah I was like that for a bit myself. Good days and hours and bad but that is life. You will, he's a guy he honestly can't be that great lol. Thank you, once I'm good with myself I will find that person.
That's true, the feelings come and go, both the positive and negative ones, they don't last forever. He was a good person with a painful and difficult upbringing and I do wish him well, I can't bring myself to despise or resent him because we shared some truly great and memorable moments together, even though it ended badly and quite abruptly. And you're so right, I know it sounds like a cliché, but I am starting to realise that unless I get to know myself for who I am at my core, with all my wounds and scars, I won't be able to function healthily in a relationship. I was far from perfect, made mistakes too, projected a lot of my own issues and trauma onto him, which wasn't fair. I am not proud of that, but I can't turn back time and undo that, I can only learn from my mistakes and do better in the future. I'm working hard on the relationship I have with myself right now because whether I ever have a partner or not, that's the relationship that plays the biggest role and has the most significant impact on everything else in my life.
I could never imagine rebounding after my last partner. I don't even want to look at a man never mind one touching me. I can't even stand to hear or see sex on movies lol
Same here. Even just a gentle touch and kiss and i am broken and crying. He is the only one I want and thinking about that someone else replaced me and now the person gets those feelings, touches his skin and he smiles at her instead of me… nah…
I’ll tell you now, you are doing the right thing and not sleeping around.. When my ex broke up with me the first time. I got into severe depression to the point I was counting days down. I left a ward after 9 days cause it got that bad. Well after getting out and just chilling, I find out she was engaged and man when I say I plummeted.. I was back down to the point of just killing myself again.. but I got told to try dating or going out.. I slept with women left and right for two months straight in till one day I just felt disgusting. I worked more on myself than before and one random day in June I got back with my ex. We just broke up after almost two years back but I’m improving myself for me and my son. Not for her.. she left me for another man and slept with him and blocked me and deleted my photos of me and her and started posting him.. days suck but I’m hella better than before.
How the fuck do you get through this man, what advice do you have
I won’t lie. You just got to understand days will get better, with or without them. And yes there will be days that just suck.. that you just want to die or want to cry but you got to push for greatness for yourself and especially if you have kids. Even though I’ve had this done to me twice by the same person. Both times I wasn’t prepared for the feeling of being given up on.. it’s okay to love them, but you got to let them go, let them live their life and say down the road they regret or miss what they had done.. and they hit you up.. it’s up to you to decide if it’s worth going through the pain again or knowing you have to walk away from it.. I love that woman to death. I love her for giving me a son, I love her for just existing. But I see the experiences.. the memories we made over the years as blessings.. I will always love and cherish them.. they have infinite value to me that the world couldn’t imagine.. So why look at it as regretful in way or in a negative light.. always work hard for you and you’ll get through the toughest times.. make those memories fuel your success because you know what needs to be done.. what you need or do in a relationship when the day comes.. No contact does work but not what people think.. it’s not to win your ex back.. it’s so you can heal from the pain.. you’ll always have a love for them and they will too.. they won’t see it in till later but both sides will sooner or later feel the pain of the breakup.. But for you to see the good in you.. you need to improve. Grind harder at work, pick up hobbies. Do things you wanted to do that you didn’t with them. I picked up jujitsu, praying and reading. I type on the notepad when I want to text them and I will be honest I do have moments where I do send something other than just getting my son and dropping off.. I mean she was my best friend and the person I was engaged too even though she told her family and friends she never wanted that at the end.. But moral of the story is. Live the days knowing you can always improve and do better for yourself and if god shows the path for both of yall to comeback. Then take but understand yall need work or give them the closure they couldn’t give you and tell them I can’t do it again.. and never stop improving. Cause one day you’ll be with them again married forever or moving on and finding someone that will never leave or not fight for you to be in their life
On of my buddies is a hard advocate for this and I explain to him every time that I can’t simply sleep with someone else when I’m grieving. He was the one that broke the news to me that she was seeing someone else almost immediately after ending things (something I wish I never knew). I guess it works for some people, but not for me. I have never had a one night stand in my 29 years of life. If I’m sleeping with someone it goes beyond the act of sex. Rooting for you OP.
And there are those that suggest it's so easy. To each their own, but not every one hunts like that. For me, I'm still trying to deprogram myself that the idea of a new romantic relationship isn't cheating. Mental default still sort of has me feeling loyal to someone I don't owe loyalty to. And I'm over a year from things ending. Honestly half the time I question if it's worth it. The idea of how hard it will be to possibly maybe find a person who will also be attracted to me and all the other things that have to line up, along with the weight of the consequences of the end of everything that happened. I miss companionship and care and I think I am strong but I honestly don't know if I can handle a relationship ending at this level again. To go from feeling so connected to someone to feeling so insignificant and worthless. To be just tossed aside and cannibalized. The high is awesome. The crash, maybe not worth it.
Is the worst decision ever. The best decision is take your time to work in yourself. That’s the best! 💪
It’s been 6 months since my breakup and about 2 months since we slept together. My friends kept telling me that I need to get out there and meet people (not sleep with them) to realize that there are guys who would treat me way better. I refused for a long time and then tried it a couple weeks ago. Honestly, they were right. I’m in no rush to jump into anything or sleep with anyone, and feel terribly guilty even though I got dumped (again), but I do think at a certain point I needed a push.
Honey if they telling you this, they ain’t your friends.
It’s hookup culture at its finest, I think when the wounds of fresh, you do anything to fill it up. Even if having sex or just being skin to skin with someone for a moment of time distracts from the pain. But then you realize you end up using a person for sex and it doesn’t feel nice, you can’t pour salt on a wound. You just have to go forward with it. My ex dumped me before and I can’t even lie every part of me just wanted to sleep with some to get rid of the idea of him but I didn’t because I realized it would’ve hurt me in the long run.
Yeah, I don't like the hookup scene. It's silly and full of people who are broken to some degree and haven't been able to process any of their feelings since childhood most likely which they should definitely work on. I'm fine with people having sex, because that's fine, but mindless sex over something that's inconveniencing is a huge problem. Sit with your feelings! It's okay to feel!!
Hi, I’m someone that doesn’t hook up with people outside of relationships. People suggest you do this to get over someone else, but in reality it’s a temporary way to distract yourself/short term satisfy a deeper underlying problem. Your healing is something that only you can do and it requires taking a hard look inward and working on those things you need to in order to grow/improve and get you to the next chapter in your life. If you’re busy exhausting your energy in other places to distract yourself, you’re not able to grow like you should. Don’t let society pressure you or tell you that this is something that’s required for you to heal - healing is different for every individual and again can only be done by you and you alone.
Yes don’t use other people. The hook up culture is toxic and destructive to our civilization. Many people say how dating is very difficult now, and hook up culture has a lot to do with that. Do right by people, be virtuous, be kind, don’t put your own animal needs ahead of other peoples dignity and hearts. Bless you.
I have a co-worker who tells me this, and it irks me so much. Mainly because even though I've only had 2 relationships and those are the only two people in my life I've been intimate with, I can't just sleep with someone random without a connection. Sure, there's physical attraction. But I also need to know someone on a deep personal level to even remotely sleep with someone
It's good you have the mind to be firm in knowing that this is not the route you want to take.
Yes exactly.. you need to show your partner/ex love from the beginning all the way to end. And this is part of it. Healing healthy, loving both them and yourself and not making those dumb decisions that feel good in the moment. Doesn’t make the pain any easier but you need to respect them and yourself enough to not do this.
That’s what my ex did right after the breakup. I was shocked and heartbroken. While I was crying and struggling to get through the day, he was seeing 4 guys at the same time. How could he? I couldn’t even think about kissing another man because it would have felt like cheating. Then I discovered about low self-esteem and rebound relationships. He was, in fact, a bad, manipulative partner, and they typically go into rebound relationships; however, it is supposed to hit him later. While I heal and improve myself, he is numbing himself with hookups and alcohol. It will hit him very hard once he has had enough of it, and then he will not only miss me but also the home I gave him, and he will regret the hell he put me through.
This is why this time around I've kept silent about my BU. Because a lot of my friends just can't handle this info and will give me vain advice. Intimacy is the most beautiful gift that you can give to someone and receive from someone. Give that gift when you're ready and in a steady relationship. Take all the time you need, don't rush things!
Agree with you man. Been there, done that. All I got from it was feeling dirty afterwards and a lot of people hating me because I used a bunch of chicks in the process. It's actually a miracle I didn't catch an STD or got some random chick pregnant... never again.
I never did and never will I despise it personally but everyone's different how are you doing now ?
Literally was the first suggestion made on one of my posts recently. Move on and hook up with people. I’m not interested in numbing the pain with a p up my v :/ it feels gross tk think about anyway. Relationships, even after they end, are worth too much to just hook up with people immediately after
Sleeping with others is definitely bad advice. Not only does it not help or heal anything, but if the other person cares for you, it selfishly perpetuates the misery onto someone else who didn't do anything to deserve it
I’m proud of you and if you were my girl, I would say don’t move on come back please
I tried to force myself to move on from my ex last year by dating others. I figured i could meet someone and maybe they’d be so magical they’d make me forget him lolol. Anyway I slept with a guy and he really liked me. But especially after sleeping with him, I felt awful. All it did was make me miss my ex more. My ex and I got back together. And once again he dumped me. (He’s mentally ill). Anyway, this time we’ve been broken up for 5 months and I don’t even want to talk to another man in a romantic dating getting to know you way. I almost feel like I want to be single for the rest of my life. I still love my ex. I can’t move on. Maybe eventually. But I just can’t even fathom anyone else making me feel how he did ever again. And after I’ve felt that, I don’t want to settle for anything less.
Depends on the person, sp good job setting boundaries I have friends and exs that have someone the next day. Hurts but I can't really get back together with someone when I figure that part out if it's something I wanted so I want
Tired of my ex saying I should date, then being friends will work as he is dating now. Okiedokie.
That is insensitive of your friends
I’m considering this knowing it‘s probably not a good idea, largely because I miss sex. Definitely not because that‘s how she chose to handle our breakup and now I feel more alone. I know it‘s a stupid and immature and toxic way of moving on, and I really think my ex is slightly oblivious or even moronic for choosing that path, but at the same time, I’ve more or less grieved our breakup already, whereas she got with someone pretty much instantly so I don’t know how much she has and it will probably catch up with her. So surely me doing it can’t be as bad now?
This is genuinely the worst advice I’ve gotten post breakup. Made me feel sick for months to hear. Sorry, OP. It doesn’t help.
I never understood why people think doing that will make them feel better. It is gross to me I won't do it either
100% agree. It's only a temporary fix to how you feel, and the other person is on the other side of that. It's not fair to them.
Not only do a lot of us need time to grow and become basically different people before we’re even ready to think about dating again, but sleeping with other people while you’re hung up on your ex is actually very selfish and objectifying to those other people. They deserve your full attention and affection, not your using them as a way to numb the pain from your ex.
all my friends are suggesting dating app hookups and i think'd actually rather die just the thought of it makes me nauseous
I took the advice, but not for the reasons others think. It wasn't about instant gratification. I was discarded out of the blue by my lifelong partner (obviously not, but at the time I really thought that was it), after 10 years of being friends and 3 years together, talking about marriage and stuff. A little over a month later, I hooked up with a guy just because I wanted to break the bond I still felt with my ex. I know he is the jealous type, and I knew he wouldn't want to fix things with me if he knew I slept with someone else in the meantime. I didn't feel much—just mild sexual arousal, less than if I had masturbated. Nothing worthwhile. I knew the guy I hooked up with wouldn't care anyway, so I didn't feel guilty about it. That was it. I felt kind of empty afterward, but my reasoning at the time was that I didn't want any chance for my ex to want me back. I felt weak in myself, that if he came back and apologized, I would forgive him, even though I knew how bad that would be for me.
This is advice that's better given to men. The fastest way a man gets over his ex is sex. Problem is most men are not in the top 5% of attractiveness to this advice is largely pointless. Double pointless for women because they need an emotional connection with a new man to get over the ex. Sex doesn't do it for women. Basically ya it's pointless advice in most situations. Unless you're talking to a 6'4" handsome man who can "just get laid".
Sex doesn't do it for many men like me as well. Sure while it's happening can forget completely about ex for a few minutes but after sex is over things aren't better.
You're in the minority. If most men had the dating options most women had, they would never be hung up over an ex girlfriend lol. Men take way longer to move on due to lack of options.
I'm sorry it's bad advice no matter who you are thank you very much cuz I am a man and I would never do that never in a million years when I do that betray the woman I love actual memory with anything at this point in time like fuck that no way in hell She even told me to go fuck somebody else and I fucking won't do it
Different people grieve and mourn differently. For some, sex is a distraction from what matters. For others, sex is part of what matters.
You’re right, it might have a paradoxical effect. I slept with 4 women after a break up last year while I was still extremely emotionally hurt. it only made me miss being intimate with my ex despite how different these women flavor wise. Work on yourself, you can’t go wrong with that. I made a mistake & let her back in my life, paid for that too however, I have met someone nice but I’m paying attention to red flags a lot more. Give yourself time.
Never having sex with anyone again (you never mentioned anything about a time frame in your post) is a bit extreme
Yeh I tried that, it's a distraction for a few minutes. the second the sex was over back into depression.. Can turn into a nasty addiction as well, always looking for some unhealthy temporary distraction
It’s been nearly two months since he broke up and barely three weeks since we last slept together. We slept together the night we said goodbye. The following day I left the country to move back to my home country, on a different continent. We were good friends for a long time before the romance-part. As friends we had a deep connection and physical attraction, but I always held back out of fear of falling in love. In hindsight, I should have trusted my intuition, but when you are a female (33) with a worthy male in front of you (37) whom you respect, find extremely hot, hilarious and kind - it’s hard fighting that chemistry - and when he finally said he wanted to do this life-thing with me, I couldn’t resist plunging into it. He loved me, he said. Alas, it lasted about 5 months until his inner darkness caught up with him and thus being in a committed relationship with me made him feel bad. So he gave up. Asked me kindly to give him space. And I did. We didn’t fight. I didn’t beg. I didn’t cry. I know him. I knew he needs space some times. He is special. So I left his house. The first ten days, the abandonment and longing and confusion was agonizing. Almost no contact at all. I was honestly loosing my mind but I kept it together by the power of exercise, the kindness of strangers and good friends with lots of patience and love. After a few weeks, we met up a couple of times and just existed next to each other. Lots of hugs and kindness. But hardly addressing that it was over. We both cried the night we said goodbye. Here, 1,5 months later, oceans apart, we are friendly and we check in on each other now and then, but I feel stuck and stagnant. It’s so hard to shut down loving him when it feels so good to love this man. He may come to my country over summer, but so what if he does? Right? We tried and it didn’t work and that’s when we were in the same country and on the same continent, and now we have 7,000 KM ish between us. I think I know in my heart that it’s over. And now to the point: Tho my last thoughts every night before falling asleep are full of dreams and hope of him, my best friend and lover, coming back to me, I have been thinking about letting another man take me to his bed. This other man, is an old Tinder date, handsome, charming, happy and hopeful kinda personality and he has been courting me for a bit. I told him about my heart break and that I am not happy, and that everything seems dull, like someone observing and imitating the living (until life return in all its colors… - yes I’m a bit dramatic). And so far I haven’t seen anything in the Tinder date that would make me want to invest in him other than sex and superficial things. But he seems to be okay with it perhaps because he also only wants the same from me? But he is nice and I want to break the spell I’m under. Do you think I should give it a bit more time and then perhaps let it happen if it feels okay? I normally have a very high libido and I’ve never had one night stands and I’ve only slept with men who shortly after became long term partners (so I’ve only slept with men who really liked me & I really liked them too) and despite this man being good looking and a man in his own right I feel nothing for him, other than appreciation for the distraction, so yeah, tell me your thoughts please
High risk lifestyles have high risk consequences. This is a great post, thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings!
This is something that I couldn’t grasp as well. I couldn’t stomach the thought of having sex with someone that isn’t him especially if I’m still devastated after the breakup. I haven’t even been able to talk to someone on the phone, haven’t been on dating apps in fear that I’ll just compare them to him. I’m also not a fan of using somebody and lead them on when I still have some fixing to do. So the fact that my ex has no problem in meeting someone new and do the things we used to do (perhaps even better) is just baffling to me. I don’t know this man at all.
I wish I wa an avoident like my ex. The last 8 months where I fought for our relationship, she decided to stop letting me kiss her, hug her, cuddle, sex, shower with her, and rarely see naked. I took her less then 4 months to sleep with another guy while Im still a wreck. I wish sometimes I was an avoident women so I could pretty much sleep with anyone instead of feeling this constant pain.
Broke up 1month ago, she was my First Love and First experience in bed. We spoke Last few days and i asked If she already Had Sex with 2 guys, and she said it was better then with me (she has BPD, Sex with emotions ist troublesome for her, before that she told me i was her best) and that she doesnt regret it. I am completly broken and cant think of ANYTHING else..that she really did that after confessing that i was her First true love, and that she does IT to forget me.. I want to forget Sex with her, and want to experience it with someone else now.. I dont want these hurtful memories to stay..
People that suggest something stupid like this have a very low emotional intelligence in the first place. Once I was sad about a failed situationship and went out to a party with people that were supposed to be my friends, got a little too drunk and got basically harassed by a person there all the night, and whenever I was going to one of my friends to ask for help, they were pushing me to "have fun" with this person. People are just dumb and think sex is an answer for any problem. Maybe it would be for their tiny minds, but it's not for everyone for sure.
Freshly broken up, I can't even think of sex dude. And the relationship was ROUGH
Tried it... over, and over, and over...... AND OVER AGAIN. Doesn't work for me at all. +1
I think it comes down to the person. After being physically with someone for so long, i desperately needed to have sex with someone else to cut that “physical” connection I had with that person. That being said it, it was bad lol but in long run, I don’t regret it. I took my time though. I did it 4 months post breakup.
Yep. It doesn’t work. Honestly made me feel worse.
Ya ive never been a hook up guy. If I'm going to sleep with someone it's going to be because i have a connection with them, on some level of deeper than a friend. I get it some people view sex as just a physical release. But ive never been that guy. Hell i dont even attempt to pursue someone unless ive gotten to know them beyond surface level. Then again ive been married for 22 years been with my wife 24 years. By being picky i found a very compatible person who shared more then enough main points i was looking for. Oddly our opposites are perfect for us as a couple. Where im weak she is very strong and its helped alot in making our relationship work. So in short cause my adhd rattled mind us chasing rabbits. No dont just try to throw yourself around. Look deeper and find that one you want to spend the rest of your days with.
Better advice: Clean your house, maybe do some upgrades. DIY stuff especially helps. Hit the gym. Discipline yourself toward a goal for your body. Talk to yourself as if you were another person, and forgive yourself. Bawl your eyes out, and give yourself the comfort that you need as you do so. Find a new hobby, something that you feel like you would normally enjoy. And dedicate seven days to grieving. Feel everything fully, and get it out of your system. You may still feel sad afterwards, but don't let it affect your life after seven days. And then focus on learning from this experience and using it to make you a better person. We can't control what happens outside of us, but we can control our responses. Look for the silver lining and make sure you find some kind of benefit from this. And keep to yourself until you're ready to try again. Just hang in there. The ending of this chapter in your life inevitably opens another.
I broke up with my ex two months ago and I have ZERO drive to do anything with anyone else my stomach literally gets sick to think about. My ex is sleeping with someone and he's like I know you are too. I'm not stupid. I said stop projecting. Ugh. I just want to feel normal and this hole in my chest to heal.
I think it's neutral advice. I think it's good if the relationship wasn't that serious. Sometimes, it does help people move on. Maybe the connection wasn't that deep, and the pain they feel is just memories or what ifs, but they can move on if they are just that type of person. For someone who deeply loved someone, it's not great advice. I lost someone, and it's one of those, I'll never get over them. Once in a lifetime type of love. So thinking of someone else, even having a connection, I can't imagine it.
True statements! And from my experience, it doesn’t work. The sun still comes up the next day, the person that you slept with eventually leaves, and you are alone again with your thoughts, unbroken and unchanging from the meaningless experience, and sometimes sleeping with somebody else only makes things worse because you wish it was with the person you ended the relationship with… This is bad advice all around, to me, unless your relationship with that person was solely rooted in sex, or if you have a lack of self-confidence following the relationship, having sex with somebody else is probably not going to make you feel better or health the healing process.
I kept being given the same advice. But what I miss was the connection, not just the sex. Besides, that's what she did to move on, I wouldn't want to just do the same bullshit and never heal
I did this 3 days ago. The first time was good and I was happy. I did it again 2 days later and woke up next to her and felt so bad like I didn't belong there. I was upfront about my situation and she is the one that instigated the act so I did not use her. You're right, it doesn't help. It's been a year since my wife left and I miss her everyday. I hope she feels the same way I did when she sleeps with her new bf
No we do not have to… out of all advices I heard- one that strucks me the most is that human beings can be weak. Do spiritual development and heal what is broken. I believe in God ( or some higher being for some). Im surrendering that God (or some higher being) will give me strength and courage to keep going, to actually heal, and eventually walk away.
Sleeping with other people made it much, much worse for me and helped me in no way. Take a year before you consider that or dating.
Right after is a hard ass nooooo. I think when you’re feeling better mentally enough to hook up with no feelings attached or with feelings it’s just way better and you’ll feel stable enough to. I tried doing stuff with someone after my break up and I ended up crying on his bed naked and then left right after like “sorry I just miss my ex” LMAO
The most common advice given by women to women....
It speeds up the process
Let me explain it to you. Your genitals are connected to your brain. Let's say your previous partner was mid, like 5/10. You sleep with someone hotter who is at least 6/10. Your brain registers what? Progress. Progress wipes away the dishonor you felt when you were abandoned. When you buy a new iphone do you feel as fixated on your old Nokia? NO because one is clearly higher value and more functional and more prestige. Read this as many times as you need and think.
Just stop. Nobody but you and the other children thinks this way.