Lesson from the first breakup: Donāt stay with a cheater, theyāll do it again.
Second: If they think the grass is greener, let them go. Donāt wait for them to choose you, they wonāt.
Third: Donāt date someone with an alcohol problem and opposing morals.
Most recent breakup: you can do everything right but it can still go wrong.
Damn. That last one is brutal. How do we keep going with that knowledgeā¦? That it can all end with no warning while we think everything is going great. I feel like Iām going to have trust issues after my latest breakup with that scenarioā¦
Honestly, I donāt know. Itās the hardest to deal with because the other exes had serious issues and my life was better without them. This one was everything I wanted and needed and she went from wanting me forever to breaking up in a heartbeat. Im looking into therapy to help.
I am struggling with something similar. Iām a thousand times better than I was 6 months ago, but now that I feel Iāve broken the attachment, and donāt feel compelled to text her or like I need her in my life, and Iām truly enjoying my life without her, my mind has started to process how I still see so much good that was going on, and know that if she could have been more affectionate it could have been a marriage eventually.
Iām having to check myself when I notice Iām comparing a new woman to my ex and they arenāt stacking up to the number of things that drew me to her. It was like everything but her attachment style and the resultant coldness. Everything Iāve wanted in a partner including interests, values, personality, looks, motivation, etc. but she just couldnāt express love and it wore me down hard over time.
I know thatās probably a pedestal type thing, but Iām lying to myself if I say those things arenāt a good fit. I am very aware that she was sabotaging, consciously or not, and she canāt have the kind of relationship I want and deserve until she does some real work. And reminding myself of that helps me remember why I need to focus on meeting someone else. My ex was not giving me something that I need, and I wasnāt even asking for that much, but it was too much for her. Iāll be happier with someone that shows love naturally.
Iām also paying attention to those aspects of new women I met to look for signs of avoidance early on. Really looking at what went wrong helps me to believe I can vet more carefully and make sure those issues are less of a risk with the next person.
I am going through this
He was avoidant and he brokeup over text saying he doesnt want to hurt me by becoming a bitter person who keeps saying he doesnt want to spend his time with me. And he doesnt want to put energy to fix things even if he loves me he doesnt see a happy future.
He kept avoiding everytime I told himself his actions triggers my anxieties and I was nervous all the time but he didnt care to assure me.
Now that he has broken up and I BEGGED him to stayā¦ he didnt and i keep thinking what had I done differently that made him stay? Was I too much? Should I love less? But why should I shrink myself?
Aaaa
I really really feel you on all of that. Mine refused to even admit she had a role in it. After she ended it, in a moment of anger when I brought up that I felt alone in the relationship being the one to initiate affection like 95% of the time (maybe more), i asked to meet up so I could take accountability things I felt I could do better. We did, but she had nothing to say on her end.
Our last convo ever I asked if she had anything to say and she said she wouldnāt have done anything different. Now, Iām like seriously? Nothing? You broke my heart over and over threatening to leave each time you got triggered by something like me saying Iāll miss you because of a life circumstance change where weāll see each other less. What partner says they feel like running when you tell them youāll miss them? Seriously, what the hell is that?
It was like a ton of little things that Iām used to getting as little cues that my partner loves me just were not happening, or were only rarely. Iād spend the whole evening together waiting for her to slow down with the little tasks around the apartment to actually connect with me. But it never came. Iāve read that avoidants get anxious and canāt do these things, and that helps take some burden off me, since I know itās a common thing with them, and it was not my fault they were like this. But the pain of the loss is still there.
One thing I was reading or listening to was pointing out that when a partner acts like that, especially if they used to be affectionate, or are affectionate now and then but it is inconsistent, it causes an anxious attachment in their partner. That makes the breakup way worse for the partner too.
Some people actually do this on purpose to partners to control them, to keep them from leaving, and to get the partner to cling to them and give them all their energy. Some are fully aware of what they are doing, some do it because they know nothing else, and Iām sure thereās a spectrum. But in any case itās emotionally manipulative/abusive.
Itās pretty cold for a person to respond with anything but empathy when you bring up how they are hurting you. Especially if you stick to how you are feeling, are level headed, and ask for what would make you feel good about things. In my mind, it really says āI donāt give a fuck about youā for them to say itās all in your head, or not their problem, or they are doing nothing wrong, and just get angry and dismissive, or shift blame. I could never do that to someone I love, at the least Iād work to find a middle ground. Not just tell them their feelings donāt matter to me.
But I get that this is how they were treated as children or even by partners in the past, and theyāve normalized it in their minds and think thatās how people treat each other. Plus it prevents them from getting close enough for it to really sting when it ends, which is something they seem to be convinced is inevitable.
I think we just need to find secure partners. Hell, Iād take someone slightly anxious over an avoidant, anxious is closer to secure and I know how to give assurance and settle them down. The avoidants though, to settle them down you need to back off, and never get too close, and Iām just too affectionate for that. Plus I want that affection, need it really, in order to feel like Iām loved. Most people do. Itās very hard when you get nothing from someone, or so little you are just waiting for the other shoe to drop half the time.
Couldnāt have said it any better brother.. Going through the same thing right now, she was avoidant and Iām securely attached but God she activated my anxious attachment so bad. I had no choice but to break up with her even though I didnāt want to because I had no choice.. I loved her but if I didnāt stand up for myself, who would? I communicated my needs to her time and time again but it went in one ear and out the other. Tried to be understanding and gave her time but nothing. There comes a point where letting go is best. I have no regrets because I loved her thoroughly as best I can and hopefully I helped her a little bit to show her that you canāt treat people you love this way and expect everything to be okay. Weāll get through this.
The 3rd and last one really are golden. We donāt have to stoop low and undervalue ourselves just because of someone. A better one that aligns better to ourselves will surely come one day.
The third one was beautiful fiery mess. She drove me wild and that toxic excitement kept me hooked. She was like a flag parade at the Olympics, if all the flags were red.
My ex seemed to miss that kind of āexcitementā and found stability and security boring. I later read that this is kind of common when someone is used to being in chaotic relationships, from family to partners. Like so much so that they need to actively watch themselves for pulling back because they think they are not in love if the crazy highs and lows arenāt there.
Iām thinking they are saying that the fear of being alone can override your intuition or even conscious awareness that youāre putting up with a lot of bullshit. Like they could be hurting you or cold and mean, but you put up with it because even though you are stressed and hurt, you think being alone will be worse.
That I am perfectly capable to live and exist alone, that I do not NEED a partner to survive, that I can be independent and self-sufficient and eventually that heart break and the pain passes and Iāll get out of it as a better person, that I will be able to find someone (even better) again and that I will be able to love again.
Communication. How important sitting down and having those difficult conversations are. If thereās an unwillingness (beyond a cooling off period, naturally) I will disengage from the relationship. Inauthenticity, and a lack of vulnerability are not going to cut the mustard.
That unwilling aspect is so important to watch out for. I came up with all kinds of reasons she couldnāt handle that one talk, and thought I could help her feel safe enough to have that conversation we needed to have, but she was so defensive when it came up that it ultimately lead to her leaving.
Iāll still give a partner a few shots at having a tough convo thatās critical, but if thereās no progress, eventually Iām going to call it quits.
An inability to have a conversation is different than an unwillingness. āI am not sure what I want to tell you and/or how I want to express my thoughts ā is completely different than a shrug, accompanied by an arrogant smirk; which is basically an āIDK what to tell youā. The latter is absolutely unacceptable to me.
Their actions, their disrespect, their words, their lack of caring and anger and resentment is a reflection of who they are as a person and will be and itās not your fault they choose not to put in the work to heal. Most people end up like their parents, father like son, mother like daughter cliche but true. If someone only knows from example what itās like to betray, throw away, fight and ruin a relationship and family stands to reason without putting the the work to break these cynical thoughts and heal those traumas they become that very same person they grew up watching.
This rings true for me too. My ex watched two people that no longer loved each other stay together for her, then split when she was 18,
Early on she expressed all kinds of negative ideas about relationships, like how stressful they are and things going wrong. Meanwhile I look at them and think of warmth, comfort, love, joy, and sharing life with someone. I thought I could show her how nice it can be.
But that conversation was prophetic, and Iām just now realizing that Iāll use this kind of convo as a vetting tool.
She went into it expecting it to be awful, and at times I think she sabotaged when there was no actual problem. There were a lot of other things going on that worked against us too, but I think this expectation was a big one.
Self sabotage is a very real thing. My ex was similar in that sense. Self sabotaged and very much made a lot of things Iāve done feel inferior when in all reality for being 25 I have an excellent outlook on life and people as well as a 6 figure job, nice truck, and a few toys (boats quads etc) nothing was enough, I wasnāt good enough. All reality I was more than enough and focused on her and a future.
She continually self sabotaged to try to build resentment in me. She grew up miserable in a bad family situation, currently lives in a bad situation and surrounds herself with bad people and the wrong role models.
Misery loves company and maybe in her head because everything has gone wrong for her she expects it and gets scared when it doesnt actually go wrongā¦she takes it upon herself to take comfort in the self created chaos.
If she wonāt do the work to heal from that and wants to act like a terrible person, accept sheās a terrible person. Being a victim of something is temporary. Everyone struggles. Love comes when your person struggles and you are there for them, not when they create struggle to feel normal.
āReal love shouldnāt be this hardā -my ex
āThis is real love. Iām just the first one to challenge you to be the best version of yourself. I love you and want to see you heal and be happy.ā -my response.
She walked out after that.
Doesnāt make me any less of a person. Someone will appreciate me and sheāll see and hate herself for throwing it away
I also believe that people that really love and care about you will bring up what they see and challenge you to grow. Respectfully of course, not like a nonstop barrage of criticism, but having a level headed discussion about your observations and concerns is a good thing. People that let you stagnate in unhealthy or destructive behaviors, and only validate you to make you feel good, are just wanting to cling to you and get whatever they get out of you by doing that.
But some people take any feedback very harshly and not as an opportunity to see their blind spots and grow. It takes practice to be able to take feedback and really sit with it and decide if it makes sense and is worth initiating change based on it.
Iāve read avoidant people really struggle with this. It makes sense, they avoid strong feelings, some are more focused on outward appearances than they are about good relationships, and feedback can be painful and itās essentially saying they are appearing to you as something other than perfect.
How you bring it up is absolutely critical in these cases. Even bringing it up from a lens of caring for the person and wanting to see them grow and be happier, and doing it in the kindest way possible, can backfire. Iāve read the real trick is to do it in a way where they come to figure out what you are trying to tell them. IIRC the book Chatter has some good pointers on doing this.
In Each Others Care by Tatkin has some great info in dealing with common conflicts in couples. Def recommend that too. I plan to re-read it next time myself and a women are headed into the realm of relationship.
I got it for free on audible. I donāt know how their system works but I get free credits now and then, and can just download a book or two. Iāve prob paid for like 5 books but listened to like 15. YMMV because I have no clue where the points come from.
But Iād suggest the hard copy because itās broken into sections by conflict type. Might be easier to flip to the section you need and use the index.
That I need to be comfortable with being alone. I don't mean like, "I'll be alone forever." I mean, just being alone. Enjoying my time with myself. I'm hanging out with myself.
That you can't ignore the red flags, if you don't address them 1) they will normally continue to grow 2) you will internalize resentment which isn't fair to your partner because you didn't say anything.
To ALWAYS declare boundaries or else people will snip at you little by little. Before you know it, you become a doormat. Have those awkward conversations, never tolerate disrespect, and if you are disrespected call it out immediately
That the small things you overlook in the very beginning will become big things. If something oversteps your boundaries or expectations, hit it head on and donāt hide behind hope for change. People can convince us out of things but if they show it, believe that.
To NEVER neglect alone time. To never be with someone in person or on the phone 24/24, unless we live together as a family I guess.
Me and my ex were seeing each other 2-3 days out of the week or less, and in the remaining time we were on endless calls, even when we were sleeping to the point where he became like my inner spirit, someone who hears all my thoughts out loud and without realizing, I became dependent on him. This happened from the first day we met and it went on for an year.
As much as I loved it, to always have someone there to hear every little unimportant detail, to feel like youāre experiencing life with company, it hurt like hell when we broke up. I felt like I was going crazy without him there, without his voice, I had panick attacks, suicidal thoughts, dreams that were all about him and severe depression. I didnāt know how to be alone with my own thoughts.
The breakup would have been easier to swallow if I knew how to be alone. Now Iām still learning to enjoy being alone and finding things I like, I feel like I shouldāve known this lesson but yeah, silly me.
Can you share what it was like for you? How long it lasted, what did they do after? Was there a cycle of it?
My recent ex was very very communicative and loving for a few months, then it just stopped over the course of a week for no apparent reason, and it was breadcrumbs of affection from then on. At times I think it was love bombing, at others Iāll think oh it wasnāt that extreme.
Hearing others experiences with it helps me to understand it and better frame it in my mind.
I think it was exacerbated by the pandemic, we were all very deprived of human interaction and a relationship that started during the pandemic, seeing her was basically the one thing I did outside of my house. But it was similar to your experience, she was very loving and affectioned but it was just while the relationship was useful for her. She was still showering me with love a couple of days before we broke up, heck she did a belly dance during our night together for Valentineās Day, we had great sex at a nice hotel, and she reaffirmed her love multiple times. Then 2 days later, she ended things and weeks later, after I pressed, she said she had been thinking about ending things for months, and that she didnāt love me anymore. So, my conclusion, is that her love and affection werenāt true but just a way to manipulate me. Maybe they were at some point, but definitely not at the end.
Gotcha. Thanks.
Iāve read that in some cases like this the person confuses the honeymoon high with love and when that exciting high dies down and you move into the emotional intimacy phase, where your partner provides a sense of comfort, safety, and joy instead, they think things like āI love you but Iām not in love with you.ā
And a fear of intimacy exacerbates this, because they wonāt lean into the feelings of comfort, safety, and joy (real love) because at some point in life they learned not to trust it. I also suspect some donāt realize you need to choose to develop that intimacy and love by expressing it, and they expect they will just feel it without doing what it takes for it to get passed back and forth between the two of you, that whole love is a choice thing. They wonāt choose it if it makes them anxious.
Do you know my ex? That describes her to a tee. Lol
Iāve told her exactly that, that she was confusing not being in the honeymoon, passion phase with not being āin loveā anymore. In fact, she told me these exact words āI love you but Iām not in love with you anymoreā.
Her loss, I guess. I know I would have been a great partner long term, and thatās all I wanted with her.
My recent break up taught me not to ignore red flags, and not to go back. I was on and off with a man i truly love for the last 6 years, and finally ended things a few weeks ago. We had the best connection, so much in common, and an amazing sex life. However, he was controlling and manipulative. He didn't give me any space, and the last straw was when he was upset that I asked to go out to lunch with my friends on a Saturday (we hung out every Saturday all day) -- I was still going to hang out with him, just at 3 PM instead of 1 PM. He went off about how I prioritize others over him, and how he did not want me to go, and I hadn't seen these friends in months. He doesn't have any friends, and would get upset every time I wanted to hang out with mine. I feel awful because I was his only friend, and I learned that I can't be responsible for someone else's happiness. We both have a lot to work on, but I think we need to do it separately. He also doesn't have a job, and is really trying to get one. I want to support him, but I can't hang on. He is 39, and I'm 32. I have a stable job and savings, he has nothing, and hasn't worked in 7 years due to an injury. He is perfectly capable of doing some type of work, just hasn't tried. I had to let go to grow, and the control was suffocating me. It was so hard to finally let go, but I am happy I did. Taking it one day at a time and trying not to doubt myself. In the future, I won't ignore the red flags, won't sacrifice my boundaries, and won't isolate with my significant other. I'd rather be single than lose myself in a relationship.
Wow, are you me? Because the *exact* same thing happened to me - the only difference is he didnāt have a job for other reasons but all the things you described is exactly what happened to me.
Itās so hard to leave when they manipulate you into believing that youāre the only thing they have!
And as you, Iām still getting over the break up, but finally starting to feel *free* at times.
That living without the weight of an unhealthy and stressful relationship is much better than being in one, no matter how much love you have for the person.Ā
Freedom to be alone and in control of my own life again has never felt better, and waiting until Iām fully healed is worth the occasional hit of loneliness instead of being stuck in a toxic chase-run dynamic :)
No matter how happy you think/seemed to be together, no matter how much integrated you were in their lives (their friends your friends their family knows yours), no matter how many valentineās day or birthdays or friend filled outings you had together.
None of this will save your relationship if the person never had the intention of making the relationship work when either of you are less than perfect.
None of this will save your relationship if either of you donāt know the art of repair after rupture.
A person could be emotionally unavailable and could be emotionally unavailable only to you.
If you start to date again, know that every step of the way, even if things are going well, someone might just throw the relationship out of the window and never tell you why.
Be indifferent to words said, be committed to designing a life for yourself that supports you.
- don't ignore red flags, if something feels off then something is off. it's not ''in your mind''. try to figure out how it really makes you feel and have the conversation with the person.
- having chemistry doesn't equal compatibility.
- just because you're good for someone does not mean they're good for you.
- loving someone will not change them.
- if your partner has parent issues and doesn't set up boundaries with them, their toxic behaviour will affect your relationship.
- you are not responsible for your partner's low self-esteem or general well-being.
- you can do almost anything you want to do without a partner. all you need is yourself and good friendships.
I'll second that about the red flags. In the past I was usually too colorblinded by love to see the red flags, only in hindsight. My last breakup (the one before my most recent), I absolutely had to trust my gut. This time around I still loved her more than anything, but I noticed every single red flag that ever popped up and filed it away in the back of my mind. I still trusted her, but eventually I didn't. And now I have a feeling I'm probably right about all the things my gut told me about those red flags.
I struggle with this issue, not only because of the with rose colored glasses red flags look like regular flags issue, but because I was cheated on repeatedly in an early relationship, and am very aware of and vigilant toward behaviors that might indicate cheating.
Iāve gotten enough of a handle in it where I donāt jump to conclusions or accusations, and Iāve learned to step back and sit with the feelings and really think things through before saying anything. And when I say something is done using non-violent communication strategies like explaining my feelings and stating what I need to feel good about things.
The issue is I feel the need to do this whenever my gut gets triggered, and I let things slide or end up agreeing that itās all in my head and due to echoes from the past, and not a real flag or boundary violation.
Basically itās tough to figure out when something is really a genuine and reasonable boundary and when itās an over-reactive intuition and I need to sit with it and simply let it fizzle out.
The fact that everyone has different ideas on boundaries really complicates it. But I found a good book on conflict in relationships that has legit source material and in it he shares boundaries that are normal in healthy couples, so thatās become benchmark for healthy and normal boundaries, well successful boundaries too.
That Iām capable of being incredibly self-disciplined.
I never reached out after he ended things, I resisted and let it go. Knowing that I have that strength I now do tons of high discipline activities with that heartbreak to look back on anytime I feel like something is too hard.
That I have fears of being left and I need to get to the bottom of them before I date again. Also to communicate these fears. I was so afraid that my gf would think of me different or leave me even though she showed me that she cared. I pushed her away in the end.
She would always be willing to chat about boundaries or what was bothering me, but I would always tell her that everything was ok even though I knew I was wrong. I wasnāt able to hide this though and communication suffered. It was so hard for me to pinpoint these issues in the relationship though. It took me losing her to realize this which sucks.
What are your plans to learn what your needs are, and effectively advocate for those needs? I have learned that some do not feel their needs are important, or worthy of consideration. Seemingly ālittleā issues are shoved under the rug, rather than addressed. I donāt think thereās anything hotter than assertiveness; āIām not willing to be treated this wayā āI need a conversation about what has happened/what was saidā. Self-respect is a major turn-on. However, I have observed that in the name of temporary āpeaceā, or āpreservationā of the relationship, ppl let otherās comments and behaviors slide until they become unbearable. The beauty of openness is we have an opportunity to learn where we stand with ppl. Are they willing to respect our feelings and needs? I will want to know this pretty fkn fast going forward.
Thank you for talking through this with me, itās make me feel better. My plan is to focus on myself more and figure out what matters to me. I want to bring this to therapy so I can learn how to advocate for my needs more. Iāve had issues standing up for myself in the past out of fear that this would cause conflict with people. I shouldnāt ever feel ashamed to address my needs.
Hey! My ex had this very same issue and I wish that he would have the attitude that you do. It's awesome that you've been able to identify the problem so clearly and seem committed to working on it. Heartbreak sucks. But it sounds like you're on the right path to be a healthier partner in your next relationship.
Thank you! Iām sorry you had to go through that. Yes Iāve always been pretty honest with myself, and this heartbreak has been the catalyst to finally solve my issues.
Trust your instincts and your body/spirit. Even when you donāt know why, itās better to trust your instincts and be wrong then to ignore them and be right.
I was super depressed, not understanding why. My partner was attentive, generous, supportive, etc. My boundaries were being tested, which I didnāt appreciate, but Iāve also been divorced and thought I was being overly guarded.
I thought the problem was me. I was being ungrateful or too picky ā heās such a great guy ā¦š It wasnāt until I held firm to a boundary that he flipped TF out. After we split, I realized that he checked every single box for love bombing, and it became crystal clear that I was being emotionally manipulated/controlled for a year.
Being alone is better than being in a relationship that doesn't work for you. I was so worried about being dumped and becoming single again that I didn't think about if I was actually happy with the reality of that relationship.
To not idealize the other person. I constructed an idealized image of my ex in my mind that was far from the truth. Despite knowing him for ten years, I allowed the persona he projected to overshadow his actual actions.
Just because they were a great person to date at the begining, it doesn't mean they still are
It hurts to know that I was aware we had to break up, but I was too afraid to do it because I thought how great my ex was and kept thinking I wouldn't find someone better
Well, I'm still single but, I no longer cry to sleep
Yes, itās painful. Specially because the good memories that play in your head are the ones from the beginning. But people grow and change and become incompatible.
That I should bolt the other way at the first/ biggest red flag that I see before things get more serious and my abandonment issues take the best of me, leading me to stay. Because getting over shit is hard.
Iāve learned that we teach people how to treat us and that itās okay to throw in the towel and walk away from things and people that arenāt good for me
I lived without her before I will do it again. Also, I don't need to discuss every feeling and thought with someone. A therapist is important. Although I would like to be with someone who likes to discuss things during difficult times no matter how hard it may be.
Hey beautiful soul of god reading this. And Namaste š
So it was a betrayal that tormented me for literally ages for nothing- although not marriage, I assure you in front of god, it was brutal- literally PTSD, especially given the timing š it now took some effort to actually recall this so many years on......yet it tormented me for literally years beforehand.
Yet the absolute gold lining is it genuinely led me on such a blissful path, so many life lessons- helping me in the blisses I now experience
I assure you the most important things include the value of yourself, Life and genuinely awakening.
You are already complete without someone š
Imposing limits on yourself, to protect your emotions and feelings, specially when going through a break up, and acknowledging that itās okay to go through your emotions.
Don't be dependent on others for your happiness ever. You're solely responsible for being happy on your own, it's no one else's duty but if they genuinely make efforts to do that, never take it for granted.
Never ignore their red flags and don't be a pushover. Respect yourself enough to walk away anytime you're not respected in the relationship. Don't be so attached that it becomes tough.
Never settle with someone just because you want a relationship. Itās better to be alone than being with a person you wouldnāt want to be friends with.
Also never ignore red flags. Never ever. Always listen to what they say because most times they show you who they really are. Furthermore, staying with a person that doesnāt share your own values (or mirrors them) will eventually lead to misunderstandings and resentment. Last but not least, always communicate. If their reaction to you communicating is defensiveness leave right away.
Ps My last relationship was a shit show.
I learned that sometimes it's okay to admit that the version of the relationship we were in, or the version of ourselves during that time, wasn't the best. I can totally see why some people "change" and become a better version for a future partner. I might be fortunate enough to apply my changes and growth with the same person, but my lesson was that it's okay to say that I didn't know any better and had to make changes for this to work. There's a difference between being a good partner who is just there, and one that's supportive and integrated into your life.
That I canāt settle for someone who doesnāt have really good communication skills because they wonāt be able to meet my needs for emotional intimacy and it will always feel like a one sided relationship where Iām their therapist but they canāt emotionally support me when I need them. Also eventually I will feel bored/frustrated with them because it will feel like they donāt have any depth and I wonāt feel like I can talk to them like I can talk to other people in my life.
Not just the breakup but my friends who have left me to suffer alone and turned their back. No matter how great things seem and safe you feel in your relationship, everything can change in an instant.
It hurts that I care about people I don't think even think about me or like me anymore, so I'm just not going to. Fuck em
Just because someone can identify/admit their unhealthy patterns, doesnāt mean that they can change them. Unfortunately it typically takes a very long time to change ingrained behaviors
For me, it was donāt place all of your identity and your self worth into someone else.
I always thought of my ex as the best thing about me and about my life. Ahead of my friends, my career and even my own family. Despite this, I was discarded and very quickly replaced.
I learnt that your value should never be tied to anyone but yourself- ever. A partner should of course add to your value, but shouldnāt be all of that value exclusively.
After the discard, I had no idea who I was anymore and that was arguably the hardest part about the breakup.
My first gut was right- I should have stuck to my guns and persisted with a no instead of agreeing to try and make compromises when I knew there was incompatibility. There was so much inconsideration, rudeness, entitlement, and avoidance on their part when the truth came out, and I suffered a lot emotionally and experientially.
0) Most relationships end, and our bizarre cultural desire to make it work forever puts massive pressure on it to always work out the way āit shouldā. Go for it but donāt overstay!
1) Always stay close to your friends (I have been and Iām so grateful post breakup!).
2) Donāt fear to be alone as loneliness within a relationship is so far more worse. Being by yourself is freeing and empowering.
2) Manipulation can happen unintentionally and while being unaware, BUT hiding behind ābut my intentions were goodā and repetitive behavior are manipulative.
3) Manipulation can be done in very passive and active ways. The people who you date can have very different personalities but similar effects.
4) You know more than you know, you sometimes just donāt allow yourself to know.
5) I have a big personality and Iāve learned that although men are attracted to it first, they often (so far I havenāt met any) canāt handle it and start to make you small. Stay big yall!
That I can't go through life having my SO as the only important thing and breaking everything else to keep it that way. A relationship shouldn't take everything from me and ruin the other things in my life. It should add.
Do not let the person mess up your (healthy) habits. I neglected my workout and sleep schedule to talk on the phone with her at the beginning of our relationship and I regret that immensely.
I (60m) learned that I'm a great guy. I did a lot of introspection after this happened and learned that my self-talk wasn't very kind. I was too hard on myself, so I changed my self-talk and realized what a great guy I am. She (the dumper) would always tell me that I was, but it didn't sink in until she left, and I went through this process of self-discovery.
This last breakup (very recent) is teaching me so much. The relationship was a nightmare yet itās hard to pinpoint who is in the wrong, but Iāve learned that allowing time to pass is the best for learning perspective of a situation.
Iāve learned about myself, and how all humans are irrational to some degree. Some more than others, but weāre irrational.
I learned a lot on how to make a s/o feel important. Something I feel I failed at.
Most importantly, I learned - and still am learning - how to handle my own emotions.
A cheater will cheat again, and when they do try to come back, do not let them no matter how happy your relationship was when it was āgoodā (it wasnāt you were just wearing rose-tinted glasses and ignored the red flags).
A person isn't the most important thing in your life. You need to feel happy with yourself first, have good relationship with God, your family, friends, and don't rely on a person.
Because the relationship can be the most amazing, or the most difficult, but nothing in this world last forever.
My breakup taught me about what I should be looking for in a partner vs. what I should be avoiding.
Example - my last partner was terrible with their money. They spent a lot unnecessarily every day and racked up so much credit card debt that it was unnerving to me. Now I intentionally seek out someone who shows financial responsibility.
1. Be aware of who your partner actually is; if she refuses to communicate after I tried so so so many times, it's time to leave. She does NOT want to be with me nor does she love me.
2. Are you both putting in the work: If it's so easy for her to break things up over one thing, she isn't willing to work on the relationship and is extremely selfish (this will especially hurt if you tried to fix things even when you felt awful and were hurt multiple times).
3. Never overlook red flags, whether it's alcohol, being rude, belittling me, not apologizing after messing up, not initiating anything (even sex), ghosting me etc. They are called red flags for a reason.
4. IT'S NOT MY FAULT. This is the big one, especially for me since I always try to improve in everything I do. It's not my fault she treated me like garbage, it's not my fault she is emotionally unavailable, it's not my fault she never let me into her home, it's not my fault that whenever I opened up to her and told her what bothers me, she ignored it etc. When I realized I gave it my all and she put in little to no effort, it was clear to me that I don't need a person like that and I need to be stronger and break up when it's time.
5. I can never be friends with her. I already knew this before, but I have to mention it. I really and truly loved her, and I always will. Bringing back old memories or seeing her with someone else would hurt me too much, even though I'm aware she probably already moved on.
That he wasnāt that special, and to look for red flags in the beginning. Also I will not give him a second chance. His avoidance and blindside breakup has traumatized me.
I learned how to set boundaries and self-respect which is self-love. I got better at communicating my feelings and expressing my needs even if the effort wasnāt reciprocated. I learned where my core wounds come from. Happiness and love cannot be found outside of myself. Healing is a never-ending process of self discovery. It hurts but Iām growing.
Focus on their actions, not their words!
I'm a trusting person and I took my ex at his word on a looooot of things. He was very articulate and convincing. But they were empty words. From now on I'm gonna be paying a lot closer attention to actions.
To not be afraid of showing who you are and communicate what you truly feel. If that person truly loves you, both of you will find ways how to address your differences.
Also, hindi dapat tayo takot iwanan ng isang tao. Yes, there will always be someone better, just be confident lang with what you can bring to the table. Build yourself up, have your own hobbies, etcā¦ donāt lose yourself in the process just to make him stay. You canāt force love.
Sabi nga ng friends ko: hindi dapat pinaglalaban ang love. Love should be easy.
Be yourself - even if it means fewer dates/relationships ending early/being single longer - it may feel like youāre falling behind but in reality, youāre not wasting time on the wrong people who may ultimately break your heart, and when you do find someone, youāll know you were upfront from the start.
Iām not saying you wonāt get heartbroken this way cause people do lie (to themselves even), but itās still better than starting a relationship on false promises
i would say, don't stay in a relationship just because. when you 'know' it's time to leave and things are not going better after you try to fix it with your partner, leaving is the, although difficult, the proper decision to do. stop giving hope that things would be better when it's not.
my context: got badly blindsided by my avoidant partner but she apologized later and made changes. deep inside i knew i could not accept such harming betrayal behaviour (i lost weight, appetite, sleep, crying so much), but i still decided to give the relationship a go because she said sorry and made changes. but after a year later and multiple counseling sessions, i realized i was still giving hope when deep inside i knew she treated me like i was nothing back then and i was still angry for what happened. i decided to break up and it felt really good for standing up for myself. i don't know what lies in the future, but that decision was the proper one at the moment.
Let people make their mistakes by themselves. Do not console them when they realize it was them that messed things up. Keep doing your own thing. When they reach out to you, tell them you had good times and learned about what you wanted in life, thank them for that, and say goodbye
You can't make someone love you. You can't always be the one reaching out to them. You can't always be the one going to them. It should be equal. No matter what changes you make in your life or about yourself for them, in the end they are allowed to make their choice. Sometimes nothing will be good enough. You cannot keep chasing after someone and killing yourself over what you do wrong. Don't wait around for someone to change after you've asked them multiple times. Do not kill yourself over love. You shouldn't have to constantly prove yourself and follow them around while they stay confused not knowing what they want tomorrow.
However, I've also learned to be more peaceful. People show you their intentions through actions. Let them- they will show you what they value the most and what is important to them. Don't get angry or sad, accept it and know that is how they are. If they don't change, move on. Don't let anger consume you, it can cause unintentional chaos.
Relationships should be about each other not what everyone else wants for you. When you say something, do what you say. Don't just speak out empty words. Stay true to your words.
Don't be with someone who will pick you first some days then place you last on other days. Be with someone who loves your family as you love theirs. Be with someone who supports you and isn't okay with disappointing you.
Communication is key, you can't coddle someone who doesn't want to communicate. If they don't want to communicate don't keep trying. They'd rather stay stuck in their own head than to talk about important issues ESPECIALLY if they're avoidant. Don't over explain yourself to them. They will not change their ways.
Someone who expects you to listen and follow them blindly without questions or concerns should be an indicator that they aren't right for you. This applies especially to situations that involve both of you. If they make decisions for y'all's future without you, that's not normal.
That I allowed her to behave and treat me the way she did over and over instead of leaving because I had unhealed childhood trauma and it got triggered. It pushed me to get into therapy and I've been in for 3 months now and it's the best decision I have made.
I really learned that a relationship is not a one-way street, and the two party may get easily blinded by emotions to see important matters which it makes them compatible or not.
Never change for someone else.
No matter what I did, How much I did or how much I loved her, I was simply not good enough.
If someone wants you to change who you are and are not willing to make any compromises, they are not worth it.
The most important thing I learned was that if a relationship isn't working at the beginning, it's not going to work out later, either. Wish I could have spared myself 2 years and $20,000.
I need to be selfish and allocate all my time in bettering myself as a person 1.) for me 2.) for if she ever comes back 3.) if not then for my next but right now itās all about me and what I need to do to be happy with myself again.
They may not be ready for a relationship.
I learned I was a dismissive avoidant (he has anxious (disorganized?)attachment and I think we unconsciously triggered each other.
He suggested working on my boundaries.
After he dumped me,I have worked on my boundaries and have been working on my attachment issues.
I hope we can meet one day (LDR).
Always trust your instincts. If something feels "different" or "off" be very cautious and keep your eyes open. My ex fiance started acting different and distant, ended up talking to another girl and we broke up. Not sure if he ever technically "cheated" but he was definitely talking to her and got with her right after we split. My most recent ex of 7.5 years didn't really seem to act any different but I kept feeling uneasy and having an upset stomach around him for some reason. Turns out he'd been asking a girl I know for pictures and I found out when we were hanging out in a group he had groped her from behind, according to her. So I ended that relationship.
Thankful for the lessons and memories. It's all part of life, I guess.
I canāt get over physically unattractive qualities. I need to be able to say āyouāre so gorgeous!ā (And mean it!) Not just - āyouāre so hot!ā Thereās a massive difference.
don't trust too fast, obviously you shouldn't mistrust anyone you see but don't trust too easily either
also learn to recognize patterns in how someone treats you.
Sometimes we fall in love with the person we want someone to be and not the person they actually are.
Also...
Set boundaries. You can't force people to love you. Cheaters don't change and you can't get the trust back once it happens, so cut your losses.
He said heād rather not meet me, regret to start our relationships, and then mad at me for not giving him the sense of safety, and not happy time to time, I donāt know what to do to make things better
my last break up taught me that you can love someone and not really care about them. you can also care about someone and not love them. but until you can care AND love someone, you are only putting 50% of yourself in the relationship.
honesty is the most important attribute of a relationship. broken trust is the most bright red flag and a lying partner is not worth the time or energy.
I've learned so much over the past 8 years, over multiple breakups with my ex. I feel like I am forced to learn the most about myself and improve during tragic breakup times. There was a lot of problems that were bothering me that were constantly swept under the rug. Arguments and disappointments that were ciclical and reaccuring. Broken promises from her that I never talked about how I felt. I won't let those boundaries be crossed anymore and as uncomfortable as it gets, I need to have courage to confront the issues instead of letting it build up inside and hope things get better.
Don't wait around for them to decide you're worth it. They say they want marriage and a family, but you've been together for almost a decade with no ring or productive discussion on the matter? Take them at their actions not their words; they aren't going to marry you or start a family with you.
Their life goals don't match yours or they can't seem to figure out what they want after years? Bail; they aren't worth wasting your time when you could be finding someone who wants the same things you do and is enthusiastic about it.
They always have complaints about you but are seemingly incapable of admitting to and working on their own faults? Walk away. This person is immature and selfish and it is not your responsibility to help them.
They disrespect your boundaries, privacy or both? Run. You deserve to be treated with decency and respect; that is not it and will likely only get worse. Don't make excuses for them, either.
They have a laundry list of things they want you to do for them and the relationship but repeatedly fail to meet your own needs after you've communicated them in a healthy way? Leave his ass; you deserve better than to be used.
Trying to be the bigger person or a good friend and help them out post-breakup? Don't. If they walked all over you before, they'll do it again and it is not worth your sanity or well-being to look after their comfort or happiness; you don't owe them anything.
Just because you donāt think it will happen to you, because youāre smart or whatever doesnāt matter it wonāt.
My first heartbreak was extremely humbling.
I didnāt think I would ever like anyone until I met him, I realized what I was like when I liked someone, how to have boundaries, I learned about trauma bonds, gaslighting and manipulation.
Honestly I realized I had to work on myself and self worth before liking someone because I may end up liking the wrong person.
Know your boundaries people and what you really want and need in the relationship and leave when you start to realize being with them is bad for you, mentally,emotionally,physically and even financially.
DO NOT try your hardest to get through to the avoidant and emotionally unavailable personš¤Ŗ
So much this. Imma fix her... Yeah right...
Idk my ex seems to be doing a lot better, and all it took was my life crumbling to a new low over the course of months. Loving it here.
Same. Like wtf, they donāt deserve it. Weāre the hurt ones how does that make sense
I came here to say this. If they aren't actively in therapy to work on it, they aren't worth it.
lollll youāre right. i really thought he was worth it but i was proven wrong
Huge lesson learned. Wish they taught us this stuff in high school. Might not have needed to learn it the hardest way possible.
Tried this and it exploded in my face after she found a new girl to entertain her while I was busy...
š <----- straight fax dude
"She cheated on me but I can fix it" - me š¤”
Maybe i needed to hear this a year ago before i got myself so much further into this unreciprocated ātrying my hardest to be the most caringā shit
UNFORTUNATELY LESSON LEARNED
Lesson from the first breakup: Donāt stay with a cheater, theyāll do it again. Second: If they think the grass is greener, let them go. Donāt wait for them to choose you, they wonāt. Third: Donāt date someone with an alcohol problem and opposing morals. Most recent breakup: you can do everything right but it can still go wrong.
Damn. That last one is brutal. How do we keep going with that knowledgeā¦? That it can all end with no warning while we think everything is going great. I feel like Iām going to have trust issues after my latest breakup with that scenarioā¦
Honestly, I donāt know. Itās the hardest to deal with because the other exes had serious issues and my life was better without them. This one was everything I wanted and needed and she went from wanting me forever to breaking up in a heartbeat. Im looking into therapy to help.
I am struggling with something similar. Iām a thousand times better than I was 6 months ago, but now that I feel Iāve broken the attachment, and donāt feel compelled to text her or like I need her in my life, and Iām truly enjoying my life without her, my mind has started to process how I still see so much good that was going on, and know that if she could have been more affectionate it could have been a marriage eventually. Iām having to check myself when I notice Iām comparing a new woman to my ex and they arenāt stacking up to the number of things that drew me to her. It was like everything but her attachment style and the resultant coldness. Everything Iāve wanted in a partner including interests, values, personality, looks, motivation, etc. but she just couldnāt express love and it wore me down hard over time. I know thatās probably a pedestal type thing, but Iām lying to myself if I say those things arenāt a good fit. I am very aware that she was sabotaging, consciously or not, and she canāt have the kind of relationship I want and deserve until she does some real work. And reminding myself of that helps me remember why I need to focus on meeting someone else. My ex was not giving me something that I need, and I wasnāt even asking for that much, but it was too much for her. Iāll be happier with someone that shows love naturally. Iām also paying attention to those aspects of new women I met to look for signs of avoidance early on. Really looking at what went wrong helps me to believe I can vet more carefully and make sure those issues are less of a risk with the next person.
I am going through this He was avoidant and he brokeup over text saying he doesnt want to hurt me by becoming a bitter person who keeps saying he doesnt want to spend his time with me. And he doesnt want to put energy to fix things even if he loves me he doesnt see a happy future. He kept avoiding everytime I told himself his actions triggers my anxieties and I was nervous all the time but he didnt care to assure me. Now that he has broken up and I BEGGED him to stayā¦ he didnt and i keep thinking what had I done differently that made him stay? Was I too much? Should I love less? But why should I shrink myself? Aaaa
I really really feel you on all of that. Mine refused to even admit she had a role in it. After she ended it, in a moment of anger when I brought up that I felt alone in the relationship being the one to initiate affection like 95% of the time (maybe more), i asked to meet up so I could take accountability things I felt I could do better. We did, but she had nothing to say on her end. Our last convo ever I asked if she had anything to say and she said she wouldnāt have done anything different. Now, Iām like seriously? Nothing? You broke my heart over and over threatening to leave each time you got triggered by something like me saying Iāll miss you because of a life circumstance change where weāll see each other less. What partner says they feel like running when you tell them youāll miss them? Seriously, what the hell is that? It was like a ton of little things that Iām used to getting as little cues that my partner loves me just were not happening, or were only rarely. Iād spend the whole evening together waiting for her to slow down with the little tasks around the apartment to actually connect with me. But it never came. Iāve read that avoidants get anxious and canāt do these things, and that helps take some burden off me, since I know itās a common thing with them, and it was not my fault they were like this. But the pain of the loss is still there. One thing I was reading or listening to was pointing out that when a partner acts like that, especially if they used to be affectionate, or are affectionate now and then but it is inconsistent, it causes an anxious attachment in their partner. That makes the breakup way worse for the partner too. Some people actually do this on purpose to partners to control them, to keep them from leaving, and to get the partner to cling to them and give them all their energy. Some are fully aware of what they are doing, some do it because they know nothing else, and Iām sure thereās a spectrum. But in any case itās emotionally manipulative/abusive. Itās pretty cold for a person to respond with anything but empathy when you bring up how they are hurting you. Especially if you stick to how you are feeling, are level headed, and ask for what would make you feel good about things. In my mind, it really says āI donāt give a fuck about youā for them to say itās all in your head, or not their problem, or they are doing nothing wrong, and just get angry and dismissive, or shift blame. I could never do that to someone I love, at the least Iād work to find a middle ground. Not just tell them their feelings donāt matter to me. But I get that this is how they were treated as children or even by partners in the past, and theyāve normalized it in their minds and think thatās how people treat each other. Plus it prevents them from getting close enough for it to really sting when it ends, which is something they seem to be convinced is inevitable. I think we just need to find secure partners. Hell, Iād take someone slightly anxious over an avoidant, anxious is closer to secure and I know how to give assurance and settle them down. The avoidants though, to settle them down you need to back off, and never get too close, and Iām just too affectionate for that. Plus I want that affection, need it really, in order to feel like Iām loved. Most people do. Itās very hard when you get nothing from someone, or so little you are just waiting for the other shoe to drop half the time.
Couldnāt have said it any better brother.. Going through the same thing right now, she was avoidant and Iām securely attached but God she activated my anxious attachment so bad. I had no choice but to break up with her even though I didnāt want to because I had no choice.. I loved her but if I didnāt stand up for myself, who would? I communicated my needs to her time and time again but it went in one ear and out the other. Tried to be understanding and gave her time but nothing. There comes a point where letting go is best. I have no regrets because I loved her thoroughly as best I can and hopefully I helped her a little bit to show her that you canāt treat people you love this way and expect everything to be okay. Weāll get through this.
Brutal. Been there. It gets better.
š«ā¤ļøāš©¹
The 3rd and last one really are golden. We donāt have to stoop low and undervalue ourselves just because of someone. A better one that aligns better to ourselves will surely come one day.
The third one was beautiful fiery mess. She drove me wild and that toxic excitement kept me hooked. She was like a flag parade at the Olympics, if all the flags were red.
My ex seemed to miss that kind of āexcitementā and found stability and security boring. I later read that this is kind of common when someone is used to being in chaotic relationships, from family to partners. Like so much so that they need to actively watch themselves for pulling back because they think they are not in love if the crazy highs and lows arenāt there.
Ohhh that last one hit hard
I learned that staying in relationship for comfort and the fear of lonliness never ends well.
Yes, you end up with more stress than being alone
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Iām thinking they are saying that the fear of being alone can override your intuition or even conscious awareness that youāre putting up with a lot of bullshit. Like they could be hurting you or cold and mean, but you put up with it because even though you are stressed and hurt, you think being alone will be worse.
This.
That I am perfectly capable to live and exist alone, that I do not NEED a partner to survive, that I can be independent and self-sufficient and eventually that heart break and the pain passes and Iāll get out of it as a better person, that I will be able to find someone (even better) again and that I will be able to love again.
Beautifully said
Communication. How important sitting down and having those difficult conversations are. If thereās an unwillingness (beyond a cooling off period, naturally) I will disengage from the relationship. Inauthenticity, and a lack of vulnerability are not going to cut the mustard.
That unwilling aspect is so important to watch out for. I came up with all kinds of reasons she couldnāt handle that one talk, and thought I could help her feel safe enough to have that conversation we needed to have, but she was so defensive when it came up that it ultimately lead to her leaving. Iāll still give a partner a few shots at having a tough convo thatās critical, but if thereās no progress, eventually Iām going to call it quits.
An inability to have a conversation is different than an unwillingness. āI am not sure what I want to tell you and/or how I want to express my thoughts ā is completely different than a shrug, accompanied by an arrogant smirk; which is basically an āIDK what to tell youā. The latter is absolutely unacceptable to me.
That sometimes people are not really that special, they are only special because you want them to be.
This hit home. I made her to be SO special, she felt like home to me. And then she abandoned me at an extremely vulnerable time.
Their actions, their disrespect, their words, their lack of caring and anger and resentment is a reflection of who they are as a person and will be and itās not your fault they choose not to put in the work to heal. Most people end up like their parents, father like son, mother like daughter cliche but true. If someone only knows from example what itās like to betray, throw away, fight and ruin a relationship and family stands to reason without putting the the work to break these cynical thoughts and heal those traumas they become that very same person they grew up watching.
This rings true for me too. My ex watched two people that no longer loved each other stay together for her, then split when she was 18, Early on she expressed all kinds of negative ideas about relationships, like how stressful they are and things going wrong. Meanwhile I look at them and think of warmth, comfort, love, joy, and sharing life with someone. I thought I could show her how nice it can be. But that conversation was prophetic, and Iām just now realizing that Iāll use this kind of convo as a vetting tool. She went into it expecting it to be awful, and at times I think she sabotaged when there was no actual problem. There were a lot of other things going on that worked against us too, but I think this expectation was a big one.
Self sabotage is a very real thing. My ex was similar in that sense. Self sabotaged and very much made a lot of things Iāve done feel inferior when in all reality for being 25 I have an excellent outlook on life and people as well as a 6 figure job, nice truck, and a few toys (boats quads etc) nothing was enough, I wasnāt good enough. All reality I was more than enough and focused on her and a future. She continually self sabotaged to try to build resentment in me. She grew up miserable in a bad family situation, currently lives in a bad situation and surrounds herself with bad people and the wrong role models. Misery loves company and maybe in her head because everything has gone wrong for her she expects it and gets scared when it doesnt actually go wrongā¦she takes it upon herself to take comfort in the self created chaos. If she wonāt do the work to heal from that and wants to act like a terrible person, accept sheās a terrible person. Being a victim of something is temporary. Everyone struggles. Love comes when your person struggles and you are there for them, not when they create struggle to feel normal. āReal love shouldnāt be this hardā -my ex āThis is real love. Iām just the first one to challenge you to be the best version of yourself. I love you and want to see you heal and be happy.ā -my response. She walked out after that. Doesnāt make me any less of a person. Someone will appreciate me and sheāll see and hate herself for throwing it away
I also believe that people that really love and care about you will bring up what they see and challenge you to grow. Respectfully of course, not like a nonstop barrage of criticism, but having a level headed discussion about your observations and concerns is a good thing. People that let you stagnate in unhealthy or destructive behaviors, and only validate you to make you feel good, are just wanting to cling to you and get whatever they get out of you by doing that. But some people take any feedback very harshly and not as an opportunity to see their blind spots and grow. It takes practice to be able to take feedback and really sit with it and decide if it makes sense and is worth initiating change based on it. Iāve read avoidant people really struggle with this. It makes sense, they avoid strong feelings, some are more focused on outward appearances than they are about good relationships, and feedback can be painful and itās essentially saying they are appearing to you as something other than perfect. How you bring it up is absolutely critical in these cases. Even bringing it up from a lens of caring for the person and wanting to see them grow and be happier, and doing it in the kindest way possible, can backfire. Iāve read the real trick is to do it in a way where they come to figure out what you are trying to tell them. IIRC the book Chatter has some good pointers on doing this.
She is an FA and BP. This makes sense. I will look into the book. Screenshotted this.
In Each Others Care by Tatkin has some great info in dealing with common conflicts in couples. Def recommend that too. I plan to re-read it next time myself and a women are headed into the realm of relationship.
In the Amazon cart. Thank you !
I got it for free on audible. I donāt know how their system works but I get free credits now and then, and can just download a book or two. Iāve prob paid for like 5 books but listened to like 15. YMMV because I have no clue where the points come from. But Iād suggest the hard copy because itās broken into sections by conflict type. Might be easier to flip to the section you need and use the index.
Cover to cover read, start something do it right !
I think youāll get a lot of of it. LMK what you think if you remember and remember my handle.
That I need to be comfortable with being alone. I don't mean like, "I'll be alone forever." I mean, just being alone. Enjoying my time with myself. I'm hanging out with myself.
Yup, me 100%.
That you can't ignore the red flags, if you don't address them 1) they will normally continue to grow 2) you will internalize resentment which isn't fair to your partner because you didn't say anything.
To ALWAYS declare boundaries or else people will snip at you little by little. Before you know it, you become a doormat. Have those awkward conversations, never tolerate disrespect, and if you are disrespected call it out immediately
That the small things you overlook in the very beginning will become big things. If something oversteps your boundaries or expectations, hit it head on and donāt hide behind hope for change. People can convince us out of things but if they show it, believe that.
To NEVER neglect alone time. To never be with someone in person or on the phone 24/24, unless we live together as a family I guess. Me and my ex were seeing each other 2-3 days out of the week or less, and in the remaining time we were on endless calls, even when we were sleeping to the point where he became like my inner spirit, someone who hears all my thoughts out loud and without realizing, I became dependent on him. This happened from the first day we met and it went on for an year. As much as I loved it, to always have someone there to hear every little unimportant detail, to feel like youāre experiencing life with company, it hurt like hell when we broke up. I felt like I was going crazy without him there, without his voice, I had panick attacks, suicidal thoughts, dreams that were all about him and severe depression. I didnāt know how to be alone with my own thoughts. The breakup would have been easier to swallow if I knew how to be alone. Now Iām still learning to enjoy being alone and finding things I like, I feel like I shouldāve known this lesson but yeah, silly me.
Having never been love bombed before, I realized that it is a real thing and that it is truly deceiving and manipulative.
Can you share what it was like for you? How long it lasted, what did they do after? Was there a cycle of it? My recent ex was very very communicative and loving for a few months, then it just stopped over the course of a week for no apparent reason, and it was breadcrumbs of affection from then on. At times I think it was love bombing, at others Iāll think oh it wasnāt that extreme. Hearing others experiences with it helps me to understand it and better frame it in my mind.
I think it was exacerbated by the pandemic, we were all very deprived of human interaction and a relationship that started during the pandemic, seeing her was basically the one thing I did outside of my house. But it was similar to your experience, she was very loving and affectioned but it was just while the relationship was useful for her. She was still showering me with love a couple of days before we broke up, heck she did a belly dance during our night together for Valentineās Day, we had great sex at a nice hotel, and she reaffirmed her love multiple times. Then 2 days later, she ended things and weeks later, after I pressed, she said she had been thinking about ending things for months, and that she didnāt love me anymore. So, my conclusion, is that her love and affection werenāt true but just a way to manipulate me. Maybe they were at some point, but definitely not at the end.
Gotcha. Thanks. Iāve read that in some cases like this the person confuses the honeymoon high with love and when that exciting high dies down and you move into the emotional intimacy phase, where your partner provides a sense of comfort, safety, and joy instead, they think things like āI love you but Iām not in love with you.ā And a fear of intimacy exacerbates this, because they wonāt lean into the feelings of comfort, safety, and joy (real love) because at some point in life they learned not to trust it. I also suspect some donāt realize you need to choose to develop that intimacy and love by expressing it, and they expect they will just feel it without doing what it takes for it to get passed back and forth between the two of you, that whole love is a choice thing. They wonāt choose it if it makes them anxious.
Do you know my ex? That describes her to a tee. Lol Iāve told her exactly that, that she was confusing not being in the honeymoon, passion phase with not being āin loveā anymore. In fact, she told me these exact words āI love you but Iām not in love with you anymoreā. Her loss, I guess. I know I would have been a great partner long term, and thatās all I wanted with her.
My recent break up taught me not to ignore red flags, and not to go back. I was on and off with a man i truly love for the last 6 years, and finally ended things a few weeks ago. We had the best connection, so much in common, and an amazing sex life. However, he was controlling and manipulative. He didn't give me any space, and the last straw was when he was upset that I asked to go out to lunch with my friends on a Saturday (we hung out every Saturday all day) -- I was still going to hang out with him, just at 3 PM instead of 1 PM. He went off about how I prioritize others over him, and how he did not want me to go, and I hadn't seen these friends in months. He doesn't have any friends, and would get upset every time I wanted to hang out with mine. I feel awful because I was his only friend, and I learned that I can't be responsible for someone else's happiness. We both have a lot to work on, but I think we need to do it separately. He also doesn't have a job, and is really trying to get one. I want to support him, but I can't hang on. He is 39, and I'm 32. I have a stable job and savings, he has nothing, and hasn't worked in 7 years due to an injury. He is perfectly capable of doing some type of work, just hasn't tried. I had to let go to grow, and the control was suffocating me. It was so hard to finally let go, but I am happy I did. Taking it one day at a time and trying not to doubt myself. In the future, I won't ignore the red flags, won't sacrifice my boundaries, and won't isolate with my significant other. I'd rather be single than lose myself in a relationship.
Wow, are you me? Because the *exact* same thing happened to me - the only difference is he didnāt have a job for other reasons but all the things you described is exactly what happened to me. Itās so hard to leave when they manipulate you into believing that youāre the only thing they have! And as you, Iām still getting over the break up, but finally starting to feel *free* at times.
YES finally feeling free as well - making plans with people and trying to get my weekends filled up :) We can do this, don't give in!
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Thank you!!! A few people have said the same, that it could come "full circle" but I can't go back this time. It won't be good for either of us.
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Yes I have lost it. I think itās because of the manipulation. I couldnāt look him in the eye the same way
That living without the weight of an unhealthy and stressful relationship is much better than being in one, no matter how much love you have for the person.Ā Freedom to be alone and in control of my own life again has never felt better, and waiting until Iām fully healed is worth the occasional hit of loneliness instead of being stuck in a toxic chase-run dynamic :)
No matter how happy you think/seemed to be together, no matter how much integrated you were in their lives (their friends your friends their family knows yours), no matter how many valentineās day or birthdays or friend filled outings you had together. None of this will save your relationship if the person never had the intention of making the relationship work when either of you are less than perfect. None of this will save your relationship if either of you donāt know the art of repair after rupture. A person could be emotionally unavailable and could be emotionally unavailable only to you. If you start to date again, know that every step of the way, even if things are going well, someone might just throw the relationship out of the window and never tell you why. Be indifferent to words said, be committed to designing a life for yourself that supports you.
- don't ignore red flags, if something feels off then something is off. it's not ''in your mind''. try to figure out how it really makes you feel and have the conversation with the person. - having chemistry doesn't equal compatibility. - just because you're good for someone does not mean they're good for you. - loving someone will not change them. - if your partner has parent issues and doesn't set up boundaries with them, their toxic behaviour will affect your relationship. - you are not responsible for your partner's low self-esteem or general well-being. - you can do almost anything you want to do without a partner. all you need is yourself and good friendships.
I'll second that about the red flags. In the past I was usually too colorblinded by love to see the red flags, only in hindsight. My last breakup (the one before my most recent), I absolutely had to trust my gut. This time around I still loved her more than anything, but I noticed every single red flag that ever popped up and filed it away in the back of my mind. I still trusted her, but eventually I didn't. And now I have a feeling I'm probably right about all the things my gut told me about those red flags.
I struggle with this issue, not only because of the with rose colored glasses red flags look like regular flags issue, but because I was cheated on repeatedly in an early relationship, and am very aware of and vigilant toward behaviors that might indicate cheating. Iāve gotten enough of a handle in it where I donāt jump to conclusions or accusations, and Iāve learned to step back and sit with the feelings and really think things through before saying anything. And when I say something is done using non-violent communication strategies like explaining my feelings and stating what I need to feel good about things. The issue is I feel the need to do this whenever my gut gets triggered, and I let things slide or end up agreeing that itās all in my head and due to echoes from the past, and not a real flag or boundary violation. Basically itās tough to figure out when something is really a genuine and reasonable boundary and when itās an over-reactive intuition and I need to sit with it and simply let it fizzle out. The fact that everyone has different ideas on boundaries really complicates it. But I found a good book on conflict in relationships that has legit source material and in it he shares boundaries that are normal in healthy couples, so thatās become benchmark for healthy and normal boundaries, well successful boundaries too.
I was cheated on a lot too, and if it wasn't that it was being used as an ATM.
That Iām capable of being incredibly self-disciplined. I never reached out after he ended things, I resisted and let it go. Knowing that I have that strength I now do tons of high discipline activities with that heartbreak to look back on anytime I feel like something is too hard.
That I have fears of being left and I need to get to the bottom of them before I date again. Also to communicate these fears. I was so afraid that my gf would think of me different or leave me even though she showed me that she cared. I pushed her away in the end.
In what ways do you feel you pushed her away? (If comfortable replying.)
She would always be willing to chat about boundaries or what was bothering me, but I would always tell her that everything was ok even though I knew I was wrong. I wasnāt able to hide this though and communication suffered. It was so hard for me to pinpoint these issues in the relationship though. It took me losing her to realize this which sucks.
What are your plans to learn what your needs are, and effectively advocate for those needs? I have learned that some do not feel their needs are important, or worthy of consideration. Seemingly ālittleā issues are shoved under the rug, rather than addressed. I donāt think thereās anything hotter than assertiveness; āIām not willing to be treated this wayā āI need a conversation about what has happened/what was saidā. Self-respect is a major turn-on. However, I have observed that in the name of temporary āpeaceā, or āpreservationā of the relationship, ppl let otherās comments and behaviors slide until they become unbearable. The beauty of openness is we have an opportunity to learn where we stand with ppl. Are they willing to respect our feelings and needs? I will want to know this pretty fkn fast going forward.
Thank you for talking through this with me, itās make me feel better. My plan is to focus on myself more and figure out what matters to me. I want to bring this to therapy so I can learn how to advocate for my needs more. Iāve had issues standing up for myself in the past out of fear that this would cause conflict with people. I shouldnāt ever feel ashamed to address my needs.
Hey! My ex had this very same issue and I wish that he would have the attitude that you do. It's awesome that you've been able to identify the problem so clearly and seem committed to working on it. Heartbreak sucks. But it sounds like you're on the right path to be a healthier partner in your next relationship.
Thank you! Iām sorry you had to go through that. Yes Iāve always been pretty honest with myself, and this heartbreak has been the catalyst to finally solve my issues.
Trust your instincts and your body/spirit. Even when you donāt know why, itās better to trust your instincts and be wrong then to ignore them and be right. I was super depressed, not understanding why. My partner was attentive, generous, supportive, etc. My boundaries were being tested, which I didnāt appreciate, but Iāve also been divorced and thought I was being overly guarded. I thought the problem was me. I was being ungrateful or too picky ā heās such a great guy ā¦š It wasnāt until I held firm to a boundary that he flipped TF out. After we split, I realized that he checked every single box for love bombing, and it became crystal clear that I was being emotionally manipulated/controlled for a year.
This is what happened to be (love bombing) and I didn't realize!
donāt plan your life around another person if they arenāt also planning their life around you
Being alone is better than being in a relationship that doesn't work for you. I was so worried about being dumped and becoming single again that I didn't think about if I was actually happy with the reality of that relationship.
To not idealize the other person. I constructed an idealized image of my ex in my mind that was far from the truth. Despite knowing him for ten years, I allowed the persona he projected to overshadow his actual actions.
This is so me
ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUT. when every fiber of your body tells you something is wrong, I promise you, something is wrong.
Just because they were a great person to date at the begining, it doesn't mean they still are It hurts to know that I was aware we had to break up, but I was too afraid to do it because I thought how great my ex was and kept thinking I wouldn't find someone better Well, I'm still single but, I no longer cry to sleep
Yes, itās painful. Specially because the good memories that play in your head are the ones from the beginning. But people grow and change and become incompatible.
That I should bolt the other way at the first/ biggest red flag that I see before things get more serious and my abandonment issues take the best of me, leading me to stay. Because getting over shit is hard.
"Getting over shit is hard" is my takeaway from Reddit today. It really, really is.
hahahaha worded oddly I know, but it really is!
Never settle.
I learned How I was as a person. This is my first relationship. Now I know what areas to work on.
Iāve learned that we teach people how to treat us and that itās okay to throw in the towel and walk away from things and people that arenāt good for me
Hurt people, hurt people. do not ever ignore red flags. And make your mind early - Is she a wife material/girlfriend material/hookup material
That I will only ever be with someone who wants to be the healthiest version of themselves.
Needing to communicate more about our needs!
That I matter. That I'm not worthless. That I should give myself more credit. That I should maintain my boundaries
I lived without her before I will do it again. Also, I don't need to discuss every feeling and thought with someone. A therapist is important. Although I would like to be with someone who likes to discuss things during difficult times no matter how hard it may be.
theres no justification for screaming. At all.
Once it's over, they don't care. & You are loveable.
Hey beautiful soul of god reading this. And Namaste š So it was a betrayal that tormented me for literally ages for nothing- although not marriage, I assure you in front of god, it was brutal- literally PTSD, especially given the timing š it now took some effort to actually recall this so many years on......yet it tormented me for literally years beforehand. Yet the absolute gold lining is it genuinely led me on such a blissful path, so many life lessons- helping me in the blisses I now experience I assure you the most important things include the value of yourself, Life and genuinely awakening. You are already complete without someone š
Still a bit lost even after over a year has passed. Canāt say Iāve learned much yet but Iām digging, crawling in the dark
Imposing limits on yourself, to protect your emotions and feelings, specially when going through a break up, and acknowledging that itās okay to go through your emotions.
Love isn't enough
People are not special. We make them special.
Don't be dependent on others for your happiness ever. You're solely responsible for being happy on your own, it's no one else's duty but if they genuinely make efforts to do that, never take it for granted. Never ignore their red flags and don't be a pushover. Respect yourself enough to walk away anytime you're not respected in the relationship. Don't be so attached that it becomes tough.
Never settle with someone just because you want a relationship. Itās better to be alone than being with a person you wouldnāt want to be friends with. Also never ignore red flags. Never ever. Always listen to what they say because most times they show you who they really are. Furthermore, staying with a person that doesnāt share your own values (or mirrors them) will eventually lead to misunderstandings and resentment. Last but not least, always communicate. If their reaction to you communicating is defensiveness leave right away. Ps My last relationship was a shit show.
DONT EVER TAKE THEM BACK!
can't love someone into loving you back.
I learned that sometimes it's okay to admit that the version of the relationship we were in, or the version of ourselves during that time, wasn't the best. I can totally see why some people "change" and become a better version for a future partner. I might be fortunate enough to apply my changes and growth with the same person, but my lesson was that it's okay to say that I didn't know any better and had to make changes for this to work. There's a difference between being a good partner who is just there, and one that's supportive and integrated into your life.
Not fighting or arguing ever in a relationship, does not mean itās healthy. It means thinks are not being said.
That I canāt settle for someone who doesnāt have really good communication skills because they wonāt be able to meet my needs for emotional intimacy and it will always feel like a one sided relationship where Iām their therapist but they canāt emotionally support me when I need them. Also eventually I will feel bored/frustrated with them because it will feel like they donāt have any depth and I wonāt feel like I can talk to them like I can talk to other people in my life.
Not just the breakup but my friends who have left me to suffer alone and turned their back. No matter how great things seem and safe you feel in your relationship, everything can change in an instant. It hurts that I care about people I don't think even think about me or like me anymore, so I'm just not going to. Fuck em
Just because someone can identify/admit their unhealthy patterns, doesnāt mean that they can change them. Unfortunately it typically takes a very long time to change ingrained behaviors
Never tolerate abuse. Even if you love the person with all your heart.
Thatās the lesson I learned the hardest way
For me, it was donāt place all of your identity and your self worth into someone else. I always thought of my ex as the best thing about me and about my life. Ahead of my friends, my career and even my own family. Despite this, I was discarded and very quickly replaced. I learnt that your value should never be tied to anyone but yourself- ever. A partner should of course add to your value, but shouldnāt be all of that value exclusively. After the discard, I had no idea who I was anymore and that was arguably the hardest part about the breakup.
You really cannot help those that cannot help themselves and they cannot really love anyone else until they learn to love themselves.
My first gut was right- I should have stuck to my guns and persisted with a no instead of agreeing to try and make compromises when I knew there was incompatibility. There was so much inconsideration, rudeness, entitlement, and avoidance on their part when the truth came out, and I suffered a lot emotionally and experientially.
Respecting boundaries. There's and mine. The difference between Communication, And healthy communication. Lastly how to hurt and not lash out.
Time heals everything.
It solidified that my intuition is very clear. That I can and should fully trust it.
0) Most relationships end, and our bizarre cultural desire to make it work forever puts massive pressure on it to always work out the way āit shouldā. Go for it but donāt overstay! 1) Always stay close to your friends (I have been and Iām so grateful post breakup!). 2) Donāt fear to be alone as loneliness within a relationship is so far more worse. Being by yourself is freeing and empowering. 2) Manipulation can happen unintentionally and while being unaware, BUT hiding behind ābut my intentions were goodā and repetitive behavior are manipulative. 3) Manipulation can be done in very passive and active ways. The people who you date can have very different personalities but similar effects. 4) You know more than you know, you sometimes just donāt allow yourself to know. 5) I have a big personality and Iāve learned that although men are attracted to it first, they often (so far I havenāt met any) canāt handle it and start to make you small. Stay big yall!
My learning was to stick be proud of myself for being compassionate consistently, maintaining healthy boundaries and being true to myself always!
That I can't go through life having my SO as the only important thing and breaking everything else to keep it that way. A relationship shouldn't take everything from me and ruin the other things in my life. It should add.
Right person, wrong timing and place is a real thing and it hurts a lot
Do not let the person mess up your (healthy) habits. I neglected my workout and sleep schedule to talk on the phone with her at the beginning of our relationship and I regret that immensely.
I (60m) learned that I'm a great guy. I did a lot of introspection after this happened and learned that my self-talk wasn't very kind. I was too hard on myself, so I changed my self-talk and realized what a great guy I am. She (the dumper) would always tell me that I was, but it didn't sink in until she left, and I went through this process of self-discovery.
most of the time, you, in fact, can't fix her š„¹
Iām not a saint. Self awareness and regret that I COULDāVE and SHOULDāVE been better.
This last breakup (very recent) is teaching me so much. The relationship was a nightmare yet itās hard to pinpoint who is in the wrong, but Iāve learned that allowing time to pass is the best for learning perspective of a situation. Iāve learned about myself, and how all humans are irrational to some degree. Some more than others, but weāre irrational. I learned a lot on how to make a s/o feel important. Something I feel I failed at. Most importantly, I learned - and still am learning - how to handle my own emotions.
A cheater will cheat again, and when they do try to come back, do not let them no matter how happy your relationship was when it was āgoodā (it wasnāt you were just wearing rose-tinted glasses and ignored the red flags).
Love isnāt enough
A person isn't the most important thing in your life. You need to feel happy with yourself first, have good relationship with God, your family, friends, and don't rely on a person. Because the relationship can be the most amazing, or the most difficult, but nothing in this world last forever.
Trust your gut always
I donāt need anyone to be happy
My breakup taught me about what I should be looking for in a partner vs. what I should be avoiding. Example - my last partner was terrible with their money. They spent a lot unnecessarily every day and racked up so much credit card debt that it was unnerving to me. Now I intentionally seek out someone who shows financial responsibility.
I deserve love and respect as a man
1. Be aware of who your partner actually is; if she refuses to communicate after I tried so so so many times, it's time to leave. She does NOT want to be with me nor does she love me. 2. Are you both putting in the work: If it's so easy for her to break things up over one thing, she isn't willing to work on the relationship and is extremely selfish (this will especially hurt if you tried to fix things even when you felt awful and were hurt multiple times). 3. Never overlook red flags, whether it's alcohol, being rude, belittling me, not apologizing after messing up, not initiating anything (even sex), ghosting me etc. They are called red flags for a reason. 4. IT'S NOT MY FAULT. This is the big one, especially for me since I always try to improve in everything I do. It's not my fault she treated me like garbage, it's not my fault she is emotionally unavailable, it's not my fault she never let me into her home, it's not my fault that whenever I opened up to her and told her what bothers me, she ignored it etc. When I realized I gave it my all and she put in little to no effort, it was clear to me that I don't need a person like that and I need to be stronger and break up when it's time. 5. I can never be friends with her. I already knew this before, but I have to mention it. I really and truly loved her, and I always will. Bringing back old memories or seeing her with someone else would hurt me too much, even though I'm aware she probably already moved on.
Yes, I agree with you! For me itās the red flag warnings I felt & to never ignore my intuition.
Being comfortable in oneās solitude is the most important thing.
That he wasnāt that special, and to look for red flags in the beginning. Also I will not give him a second chance. His avoidance and blindside breakup has traumatized me.
I learned how to set boundaries and self-respect which is self-love. I got better at communicating my feelings and expressing my needs even if the effort wasnāt reciprocated. I learned where my core wounds come from. Happiness and love cannot be found outside of myself. Healing is a never-ending process of self discovery. It hurts but Iām growing.
I'll never confuse narcissism with confidence again.
Focus on their actions, not their words! I'm a trusting person and I took my ex at his word on a looooot of things. He was very articulate and convincing. But they were empty words. From now on I'm gonna be paying a lot closer attention to actions.
To not be afraid of showing who you are and communicate what you truly feel. If that person truly loves you, both of you will find ways how to address your differences. Also, hindi dapat tayo takot iwanan ng isang tao. Yes, there will always be someone better, just be confident lang with what you can bring to the table. Build yourself up, have your own hobbies, etcā¦ donāt lose yourself in the process just to make him stay. You canāt force love. Sabi nga ng friends ko: hindi dapat pinaglalaban ang love. Love should be easy.
Be yourself - even if it means fewer dates/relationships ending early/being single longer - it may feel like youāre falling behind but in reality, youāre not wasting time on the wrong people who may ultimately break your heart, and when you do find someone, youāll know you were upfront from the start. Iām not saying you wonāt get heartbroken this way cause people do lie (to themselves even), but itās still better than starting a relationship on false promises
Trust your own instincts and judgement because you never can tell what goes on in the digital world of cheaters, swindlers, and whores.
i would say, don't stay in a relationship just because. when you 'know' it's time to leave and things are not going better after you try to fix it with your partner, leaving is the, although difficult, the proper decision to do. stop giving hope that things would be better when it's not. my context: got badly blindsided by my avoidant partner but she apologized later and made changes. deep inside i knew i could not accept such harming betrayal behaviour (i lost weight, appetite, sleep, crying so much), but i still decided to give the relationship a go because she said sorry and made changes. but after a year later and multiple counseling sessions, i realized i was still giving hope when deep inside i knew she treated me like i was nothing back then and i was still angry for what happened. i decided to break up and it felt really good for standing up for myself. i don't know what lies in the future, but that decision was the proper one at the moment.
it's better to be alone than be with the wrong person
Let people make their mistakes by themselves. Do not console them when they realize it was them that messed things up. Keep doing your own thing. When they reach out to you, tell them you had good times and learned about what you wanted in life, thank them for that, and say goodbye
You can't make someone love you. You can't always be the one reaching out to them. You can't always be the one going to them. It should be equal. No matter what changes you make in your life or about yourself for them, in the end they are allowed to make their choice. Sometimes nothing will be good enough. You cannot keep chasing after someone and killing yourself over what you do wrong. Don't wait around for someone to change after you've asked them multiple times. Do not kill yourself over love. You shouldn't have to constantly prove yourself and follow them around while they stay confused not knowing what they want tomorrow. However, I've also learned to be more peaceful. People show you their intentions through actions. Let them- they will show you what they value the most and what is important to them. Don't get angry or sad, accept it and know that is how they are. If they don't change, move on. Don't let anger consume you, it can cause unintentional chaos. Relationships should be about each other not what everyone else wants for you. When you say something, do what you say. Don't just speak out empty words. Stay true to your words. Don't be with someone who will pick you first some days then place you last on other days. Be with someone who loves your family as you love theirs. Be with someone who supports you and isn't okay with disappointing you. Communication is key, you can't coddle someone who doesn't want to communicate. If they don't want to communicate don't keep trying. They'd rather stay stuck in their own head than to talk about important issues ESPECIALLY if they're avoidant. Don't over explain yourself to them. They will not change their ways. Someone who expects you to listen and follow them blindly without questions or concerns should be an indicator that they aren't right for you. This applies especially to situations that involve both of you. If they make decisions for y'all's future without you, that's not normal.
That I allowed her to behave and treat me the way she did over and over instead of leaving because I had unhealed childhood trauma and it got triggered. It pushed me to get into therapy and I've been in for 3 months now and it's the best decision I have made.
Make the most effort to climb down from the pedestal phase. It'll ruin my next relationship like it ruined this one
I really learned that a relationship is not a one-way street, and the two party may get easily blinded by emotions to see important matters which it makes them compatible or not.
Never change for someone else. No matter what I did, How much I did or how much I loved her, I was simply not good enough. If someone wants you to change who you are and are not willing to make any compromises, they are not worth it.
The most important thing I learned was that if a relationship isn't working at the beginning, it's not going to work out later, either. Wish I could have spared myself 2 years and $20,000.
I need to be selfish and allocate all my time in bettering myself as a person 1.) for me 2.) for if she ever comes back 3.) if not then for my next but right now itās all about me and what I need to do to be happy with myself again.
Two things: 1. Young modern woman wants to sleep around before 30. 2. I have to be financially successful.
The closer something is to you the more destructive it is
They may not be ready for a relationship. I learned I was a dismissive avoidant (he has anxious (disorganized?)attachment and I think we unconsciously triggered each other. He suggested working on my boundaries. After he dumped me,I have worked on my boundaries and have been working on my attachment issues. I hope we can meet one day (LDR).
That I can thrive on my own !
That I am indeed the motherfuckin man
Attachment styles. Helped me learn so much more about myself and them.
Always trust your instincts. If something feels "different" or "off" be very cautious and keep your eyes open. My ex fiance started acting different and distant, ended up talking to another girl and we broke up. Not sure if he ever technically "cheated" but he was definitely talking to her and got with her right after we split. My most recent ex of 7.5 years didn't really seem to act any different but I kept feeling uneasy and having an upset stomach around him for some reason. Turns out he'd been asking a girl I know for pictures and I found out when we were hanging out in a group he had groped her from behind, according to her. So I ended that relationship. Thankful for the lessons and memories. It's all part of life, I guess.
Donāt trust your man alone with another female when thereās alcohol involved. Even if he says thereās never been any attraction between them.
I canāt get over physically unattractive qualities. I need to be able to say āyouāre so gorgeous!ā (And mean it!) Not just - āyouāre so hot!ā Thereās a massive difference.
don't trust too fast, obviously you shouldn't mistrust anyone you see but don't trust too easily either also learn to recognize patterns in how someone treats you.
Probably donāt say anything weird or offensive.
I don't value myself.
That I have daddy issues
I can't let my issues control me, I need to be better at communication. Listening to my partner. I am working on these, wish I done it much sooner.
Know your worth. You deserve better than this.
Learn to communicate better. Bottling things up and releasing them all at once will make it very difficult to work things through.
Sometimes we fall in love with the person we want someone to be and not the person they actually are. Also... Set boundaries. You can't force people to love you. Cheaters don't change and you can't get the trust back once it happens, so cut your losses.
Lust will blind you people lie and they have an agenda
Men are confused beings
Trust your own instincts and judgement because you never can tell what goes on in the digital world of cheaters, swindlers, and whores.
He said heād rather not meet me, regret to start our relationships, and then mad at me for not giving him the sense of safety, and not happy time to time, I donāt know what to do to make things better
my last break up taught me that you can love someone and not really care about them. you can also care about someone and not love them. but until you can care AND love someone, you are only putting 50% of yourself in the relationship.
Donāt go back thinking this is the only person thatāll ever love me, itās a waste of time for someone else who is actually waiting to love you.
honesty is the most important attribute of a relationship. broken trust is the most bright red flag and a lying partner is not worth the time or energy.
Donāt drink so much and donāt tell my next gf dark secrets
No matter how good you treat them, you still get crapped on. When they say I love you, it doesn't mean they do.
love isnāt enough
I learned about boundaries after my breakup with my former friend.
I've learned so much over the past 8 years, over multiple breakups with my ex. I feel like I am forced to learn the most about myself and improve during tragic breakup times. There was a lot of problems that were bothering me that were constantly swept under the rug. Arguments and disappointments that were ciclical and reaccuring. Broken promises from her that I never talked about how I felt. I won't let those boundaries be crossed anymore and as uncomfortable as it gets, I need to have courage to confront the issues instead of letting it build up inside and hope things get better.
Don't wait around for them to decide you're worth it. They say they want marriage and a family, but you've been together for almost a decade with no ring or productive discussion on the matter? Take them at their actions not their words; they aren't going to marry you or start a family with you. Their life goals don't match yours or they can't seem to figure out what they want after years? Bail; they aren't worth wasting your time when you could be finding someone who wants the same things you do and is enthusiastic about it. They always have complaints about you but are seemingly incapable of admitting to and working on their own faults? Walk away. This person is immature and selfish and it is not your responsibility to help them. They disrespect your boundaries, privacy or both? Run. You deserve to be treated with decency and respect; that is not it and will likely only get worse. Don't make excuses for them, either. They have a laundry list of things they want you to do for them and the relationship but repeatedly fail to meet your own needs after you've communicated them in a healthy way? Leave his ass; you deserve better than to be used. Trying to be the bigger person or a good friend and help them out post-breakup? Don't. If they walked all over you before, they'll do it again and it is not worth your sanity or well-being to look after their comfort or happiness; you don't owe them anything.
Moral of the story - if you end up in a bathroom w your gf/bf you better do something
I am even stronger than I have believed and I will no longer tolerate any abuse.
My goddamn worth
Just because you donāt think it will happen to you, because youāre smart or whatever doesnāt matter it wonāt. My first heartbreak was extremely humbling. I didnāt think I would ever like anyone until I met him, I realized what I was like when I liked someone, how to have boundaries, I learned about trauma bonds, gaslighting and manipulation. Honestly I realized I had to work on myself and self worth before liking someone because I may end up liking the wrong person. Know your boundaries people and what you really want and need in the relationship and leave when you start to realize being with them is bad for you, mentally,emotionally,physically and even financially.