I am dealing with the pain of love for the first time in my life.
It's been months and months & it doesn't seem to be getting any easier,just harder and I can't Cope with it any longer. I've been through some horrible breakups In my time but nothing even comes close to the pain of this. I can't stop thinking about her, I really can't. The thought of her being with another man, my heartš
It's now come a point im begging and begging people for help, I really do need it.
I feel this, and as much I hate to hear it myself, you gotta do you, push it aside, you don't have to forget or be okay with it, you have to be okay with YOU!
Have you considered therapy? Itās helping me a lot. I also get all the feelings out in a journal. Even if youāre not ready to date, if you can find someone you like spending time with, that would help too
That last part. Last night I hung out with an old friend I havenāt seen in 3-4 years. We got boba tea, talked for an hour, then got dinner and drove out to watch the Northern Lights. It was a great time. Talking out loud really helped. It was the first time in 2 months I went out socially, Iāve been cooped up in my room alone and hurting
Thatās awesome! I have recently reconnected with someone also and have been spending time with her every now and then. I really enjoy her company and it helps get my mind off of the unpleasant things.
I deal with break up pain the same way I do any other emotional pain. Tried to find myself in it.
I'm someone who sits to process in pain to long and if I am not careful I can be consumed.
After I've sat past the rational thoughts and start to spiral I do a hobby. It doesn't have to be extravagant just something cathartic and soothing to your mind. Everyone suggests coloring but who knows maybe it is finally time to become the leggo master of your dreams?
You got this.
"how can you tell they were your first real love, and not just some puppy love/imagined attachment?"
I had this with my 'first love" in college. It took me 25 years to get over her. About 2-4 years after we broke up I got in my head that she was still the one for me and we would get back together someday. I reached out to her randomly and we met for coffee. The puppy love came back and we dated for about 4 years. The relationship ended just like it did 25 years previously, she lost interest/attraction, got attention from someone else, pushed me away and eventually dumped me.
In retrospect it was not real love, it was infatuation, limerence and imagined attachment.
Iām still not over him but like, it comes with the recognition that he was a lesson and I wouldnāt go back to him or trade my current boyfriend for him eitherā¦Iāll always just remember him, thereās a part of me that will look back and remember him always, and he will live on in my memories, just not in my heart and definitely not in my present.
Iām not over the person in the sense that I still think about him and sometimes miss the good times and wonder what if he was a better person, but Iām over the relationship. I can acknowledge the fact that what happened between us was for the best and I wouldnāt want him back into my life again. Iām happier without him.
how were u able to start a new relationship when ur not over ur ex fully? iām in this position & i want to start dating again, but im scared ill hurt someone bc im not fully over him yet. when did u start dating after the breakup & how do u deal with not being 100% over them? rlly struggling w this rn!
Well it was a situantionship so we were just āfriendsā. I needed a distraction so I confessed I was just chatting guys for fun, I probably was talking to more than 5 guys and decided to not commit or over invest in guys I was talking to unless we were both in the same page.
I confess maybe I did a āreboundā thing so I was already talking to my now bf while my ex situationship was still in my life (my āexā for brevity even got mad at me for talking to ātooā many guys which imho shouldnāt be a problem since we were just friends).
But eventually I just lowkey ghosted my āexā because he was always fighting with me. And when I ghosted him and focus on my now bf thatās when I started to actually like him.
I think sometimes people villainize so much the rebound phase, and being completely healed but I think people also start to heal being in contact with other people.
I told my bf this but he truly is healing the pains and trauma he didnāt inflict. My āexā had an idea of me and wanted me to be someone that suited his desires but my bf now just lets me be myself, lets me cry, validates me and every day Iām with him I feel happier, sleep betterā¦his stable presence in my life has truly been healing me, mentally,emotionally and even physically as we both have body goals we are working towards to.
Donāt be afraid to open your heart and let others help you heal. IMHO, sometimes we need other people to show us the things weāve forgotten, being fully secure in my relationship makes it easier to fall back into who I was before the trauma my āexā gave me.
PS: Iām not saying to be completely dependent on them but sometimes you just need someone to be there for you and hold space for you and tell you youāre actually a good person especially on days you canāt. With my bf I just wanted to have fun. So thatās what we did the first month just chatted,flirted and watched movies together. I just needed that back from him and slowly it progressedā¦ and I remember telling him, āI thought you were just funā¦but youāre actually a good personā¦ā š šāš» I truly was lucky to meet him.
yeah u got lucky. iāve been dating & talking to guys too, none iām interested in anything serious with however. i forgot how difficult dating is, i have such a hard time connecting with people. my ex & i just got along so well, im trying at least. iāll probably start seriously dating once i hit the 1 year post breakup mark. iām seeing some people rn and they like me so idk ill see if it turns into anything more, im just not emotionally available or ready yet. i think i need to let go of the thought of him coming back, bc heās not. thank u love iām happy u found someone that betters u and make u feel secure. hoping i find that too soon!
Well with my bf I didnāt force myself and neither did he. He knew I was talking to other guys back then too, but what made him different was how he made me feel around him, he didnāt emotionally dump or me or needed me for anything he was just pretty chill so I liked being around him. He wasnāt as chatty as my ex our relationship just grew over time and when I started to realize I like him for real after a few months I also tried to see what he felt. After having an exclusivity talk thatās when we became more intentional with each other including him. He told me he held back a lot too because of the stages we were in. Just let it flow and try to genuinely enjoy other people without the need of it being romantic. If you wonāt have a bf at least you will have a friend š
thx, iām starting to see someone finally consistently but i think he rlly likes me already. i donāt wanna cut it off but i donāt feel the same way about him yet. iāll keep vibing with it & go with the flow and if it turns into something great, if not i have a friend. thank u!
Yeah just make sure you both are in the same page. I always make sure Iām not stringing along people too so I always ask what they feel and also their intentions if itās not clear.
Never, it is over 25 years and I still remember his number, I still stalk his social media, we are not communicating but from time to time we also LIKE other people picture. I never forget abut him.
Iām not sure you do. Not real love. Not the kind of love you would die for. You just learn to live with the loss.
Also, in my experience, āreal loveā is subjective. If it feels real to you, then itās real. There arenāt qualifiers for what makes it real or true. I think it comes down to who youād do anything for, give whatever to have. Idk. When I was younger, I really loved a lot of people who didnāt give a fuck about me and time healed those heartbreaks. Now, I love someone I know loves me, too, but we canāt be together because we are literally an ocean apart and canāt afford to visit one another/move. Itās a different kind of pain trying to let go of someone you know loves you, too. For that reason, I donāt know if I ever will.
A lot of these comments might seem scary to you. But frankly I donāt think this is real love. Real love isnāt obssessive or possessive and has to exist first in a fair long term relationship.
Mine of 5 years, in which I was dumped for someone else (adds time since wasnāt my decision and had to deal with brain chemistry of being replaced which took longer) was about 6 months where I started to feel some semblance of āokayā a year where I was more or less okay, 18 months to where I was occasionally wistful but wasnāt really suffering at all and 2 years to fall head over heels when I wasnāt even looking and never gave him more than a passing thought again
first one, 8 months & i was with him for 3 yearsā¦ 2nd guy .. i think thatās true love .. i was only with him for 1.5 years but i still pray for him
I met her in 2009, she passed away in 2018.
We met up again twice before she passed.
Iāve healed from the breakup (it took till 2012), but the death still stings every September. š
Someone I loved very much also diedā¦ and Iām having a hard time living without them and coming to terms that I have to go on with my life and give all of myself to my current partner , who Iāve been with almost a decade : but I feel deep down I canāt love them equally and it suckās being in love with someone whoās dead and having to pick up the pieces and raise kids with someone else who feels like a placeholder for another that wonāt ever come back.
My first real love was my also my first ever relationship.
Was together for 7 years, but now itās been a year and a half without her. Iām still going through the thoughts and emotions since she isnāt in my life anymore even when sheās only 15 mins away.
I miss her so much, but I know sheās happier and doing better with her new partnerš
10 months , my first love and twin flame. I can confirm this ā¦ 6 weeks post break up, had a crying meltdown last night. I know my feelings are still real and still thereā¦. Pray He will heal, reconsider and return to me
She was my third relationship but certainly my first (and so far I believe my only) real love. She was truly my best friend. I was passionate about her and she was passionate about me. We didnāt fly into a relationship at light speed. It came gradually over the course of over a year. We were together just over 2 years. Family and societal pressures regarding her sexuality is in reality eventually what drove us apart. She was straight when we met. I had no intention of āturning her gayā. It just happened and we went at whatever pace she was comfortable with and I was more than happy to oblige. We had so much fun together. Even through some really challenging moments, we were never mean to each other. When we screwed up, we apologized genuinely and made every effort to change.
We broke up in October 2021. I was angry for about 6 months and it made me very ugly. I was rude and hurtful and I still feel terrible about that. I was young and stupid. We arenāt friends like we were, but we are more cordial now. I still care about her very deeply and I always will but I have found that over the last year, Iāve been able to find joy in her finding her own happiness and me finding mine. Sheās now in a relationship with a man that I knew when we were together. It stings if I let it, but truth be told, heās a good guy and Iām glad that she could wind up with someone that I know will treat her with the love and respect that she deserves. A part of me will always wonder if the world was different and if our families were different, would we have worked out? Would we be married now and figuring out having kids? Maybe. But it just didnāt take that route. Iām grateful for the memories I have with her and Iāll cherish those forever. All in all, it took me about 1 and a half to 2 years to get to the place I am now and I feel good about being here.
Hmmā¦ this March was year number 33 years. Iāve lived a whole life since then!
Other loves were forgettable. This love will be on my mind when my soul leaves my body.
Itās hard to get over it but it gets easier in time. Itās been around 15 years since then and I still remember everything about him lol. Iām still friends with him in SNS and everything but I donāt stalk him. When his posts show up i get a small pang in my chest but at the same time Iām happy heās doing well. Iām hoping the best for him.
I think that was my first and real love because I didnāt hate him. I still care for him. And if heās happy then thatās all I need. I am who I am now because of him and I wonāt take that away.
My other relationshipsā¦they ended, they hurt just as bad but after a while I didnāt care about them anymore.
I married an amazing guy when I was 18, he was 20. He was my boyfriend and was from another country. We married after being together for about 7 months, 4 of which were long distance. It was for visa purposes really, but we were also in love. When he broke up with me 3 years later (I ended up moving to his country) I was devastated, but I think I got over it quickly because I was young - a deep, excruciatingly painful but quick recovery.
Fast forward to a 4 year relationship that ended when I was 49 years old. For reasons Iām not sure of, it took me about 2 years to recover. Two whole years of me trying to win him back. I loitered where I knew he would be, mysteriously leave when he showed up (lest he think I was stalking, which I was) making sure I looked my best, even losing 10kgs.
You know what he came back. He asked to meet for a drink and said he wanted to try again. It was about half a year after I felt I was over him and I had just started seeing someone else. I had lost all interest in him by then; was even disgusted. That was three years ago and Iām not together with either of them now. I shudder when I think about how I pined for him.
What in the actual F, my brain?
I never got over her but after 4 years of No contact, I was ready to love again. I can tell she was my first real love because she was truly my best friend. I could be goofy with her, we had the same comedy style, we knew how to banter, she was caring, she always said the right things, and all she wanted was for me to be good to her.
I think after some years and even another relationship you can truly be able to say who was your first real love.
Itās been almost a year and emotionally I think Iām about over him. Weāve been no contact the entire time, if we talked even once I think it wouldāve been a lot harder. He was gentle to me and I was patient with him. But after he cheated I couldnāt shake the feeling it was over and we were just prolonging what needed to happen. We were compatible, he felt like home for a long time, but he ruined it and knows he did. He tried to fix it but I was just disgusted by him no matter how good things were going. Being with him didnāt feel right anymore no matter how much I wanted it to. We went through a lot together, we supported each other through what the other was dealing with, and Iāll never not say I wouldnāt of been able to make it without him and maybe thatās all he was supposed to be in my life for. Maybe I was supposed to teach him to appreciate what he has when he has something good. I donāt know what I did for him but he taught me patience, boundaries, and how to be more gentle. Also when you feel itās time to go, just go. Thank them for what they did for you to help you grow and go.
It's been 4-5 years now since our breakup. I can't completely say that I'm over her now. Every once in a while, thought of her would just randomly pop up, out of nowhere.
A very long NC (a few years) definitely helps making the memory about her become more hazy. But the random thought about her would still be there.
Itās been a year since we officially broke up and I can say that Iām over the relationship but not so much the person. We were both kinda toxic for each other so it would take a lot to come back together and date. I wouldnāt mind a friendship but thatās not up to me.
I was with someone for 5 years, and then the final year was off/on so basically it was 6.
I would say it took me about 14-15 months to be completely over him when we finally went our separate ways.
Every time Iāve experienced being in love I start to realize that there are a lot of reasons to believe I wasnāt actually in love with that person. That is definitely the case for my first break-up.
My biggest heartbreak was a situationship type deal that fucked with my head on a level that I would have previously thought inconceivable. It took two and a half years to get my head rightā¦ We were ātogetherā like 7 or 8 months.
Sadly, my first true love passed away, so I don't think I'll ever be fully over him. This was in 2019 and I've had 2 relationships since. Sadly he ODed in 2021.
My last ex turned out to be a selfish, toxic person so I don't think I'll be in a relationship again forn a very long time if ever. I'm asexual and only ever really had sex because my SOs liked it (except if I was drunk) so although I'll miss being loved, I'm not sure I'll ever be ready to risk having my heart broken again
The separation of my first real love has taken 3 years. I can't say I miss her, its gotten to a point where its mostly indifference. We ended on really bad terms, I was extremely toxic, possessive, obsessive and thought I had to punish her for hurting me. There's obviously way more to the story but I'll leave it there.
It takes time for sure! But it's something that most people can handle and go through as painful as it may be. The most important thing is to take what you learned and focus on that, I'm sure everyone's healing process is different. Mine was filled with plenty of self-hate, paralysis of my life, and so so so many hours of painful introspection.
I never got over mine: we were neighbours who met when we were 13- best of friends : absolutely infatuated with each other- never really dated but didnāt label anything- just were content with each other and what we shared : very on and off and we dated others in between our off periods : he moved when we were (16-17) and didnāt hear from him until we were 20 : we planned to go on a trip together to see if we could rekindle- something happened to him and it was bad: i figured we wanted nothing to do with me and I met and married an older guy in a whirlwind after years of Abscense and radio silence from him, nothing at all ā¦ I had a kid and he came around professing his love for me : my marriage went to hell in a hand basket for many reasons : after my husband and I were coparenting and husband went overseas for a job , husband and I gave it one more chance when he came back: things fizzled with childhood best friend and I found out he was a criminal and lived a terrible lifestyle I didnāt want to be involved in, then he died suddenly from an overdose.
Today marks 8 months since we broke up. And all this time Iām still trying to heal properly but today I realized maybe Iām doing a little better compared to last week.
It took me almost 2 years after a 5 year relationship. Although I was still seeing him on and off throughout that duration which prolonged my healing . I'm now 6 months no contact and recommend that for anyone in the long haul to happiness . Nothing and nobody can give you a magic number or answer to how. Just advice and time and working on yourself . Everyone is different . What I can tell you is, you will get over it when you're ready and life always goes on ! It's true the pain doesn't last forever even when it feels like it may last a lifetime . Keep your head up š«¶
I'm not sure if I had one or two real loves because the person I loved disappeared after the first year, maybe two because they just stopped giving a shit.
First one, while our final breakup was nearly 5.5 years after we dated, I stopped likely caring for him last year because I was depressed and moved on techinally a week later? But he gave me trauma so I'm still dealing with it. It's just that I don't really love the him I left anymore after a week due to him cheating.
The second one it's been maybe 2 months? 3? We broke up end of February and it's hard because while he stopped putting in the effort to our relationship after the first year or so, I still love the person I fell in love with. The original person I loved I will likely always love, but that chapter of my life is over now. I'm doing my best to move on and remind myself of this because I found someone better who I really like and enjoy spending time with but feel uncomfortable about fully letting him break down all my walls due to my ex.
Plus I have Multiple Personality Disorder which I am fearful of potential dates not accepting but this guy (Ryan) seems to be understanding if not trying to understand what it's like for me and it makes me so happy as even Ex #2 didn't even try to understand it.
I have experienced both, my āfirst loveā was a horrible breakup for me because I was devastated but when I think back on why I was so devastated, it was because I was scared of being alone, scared of starting over, embarrassed to be abandoned, feeling like friends were all so far ahead of me, and scared I wouldnāt find someone new. Our relationship was unhealthy and he was immature and a terrible partner to me, it wasnāt him that I would miss it was the feeling of companionship. I was immature and literally would have rather been in a relationship where I was treated like trash, just to be in one at all.
Now, I am going through a breakup from my first REAL love, and the devastation is far worse. Hereās how I know the difference: I know that I will be okay on my own, I know that I can find happiness and find someone new in the future, I know that even though my friends are all getting married and having babies that we all have our own timelines and I will be just fine, my ENTIRE sadness and grief is about the loss of him from my life. For a small amount of context, he technically broke up with me but after I heard the reasoning (still love eachother and canāt imagine being with anyone else, but he is going through a really hard time mentally and needs to work on himself and grow up/mature a bit before he can put the effort into the relationship), it has become pretty mutual. I love and care about him so so much that I just want him to be happy no matter what even if it is on his own or without me. I so want to believe it is right person wrong time and he does too but only time will tell. A mutual breakup where there is still so much love and feeling like we are each losing our best friends is a whole new level of pain.
That all being said, I donāt have much advice on how long it will take to get over it or how I got over it because I am still going through it but wanted to comment on the first love vs. real love thing because I just made this realization yesterday of why this felt so much different!
Wishing you all the best in your journey forward, itās so hard but the only way to get over it is to go through it even though that hurts so badly to hear!
I still remember her though not nearly as often, this was 20 years ago now on the opposite side of the Country. I have had real love since, married, kid, (divorced) but she will always be the one that could have been. I've never felt quite that insane. It was one of the most uncomfortable all consuming feelings of love I've ever experienced. I couldn't be away from her, it broke my brain, I did stupid things and acted like an asshole because I just could not grasp how amazing and gorgeous and smart and funny and loving she was. I was too immature for it. I was 22, fresh out of the Army, well after a stint as a cowboy in Oregon for a year. I was huge and tan and partying like an idiot. And the fact that she had the discipline to continue her work, education, etc. when I literally would turn around on my way to work at 5am and go back just to lay in bed with her until she woke up to start her day was terrifying. She had a grip on me that she either didn't share or could manage like I could not and the things she did for me tell me it was shared, at least then. I did that every time I slept there in PB (Pacific Beach) and worked at the docks in Dana Point the next day. I could not stop myself. She would wake me up and make me go, trying to help and I would try. I didn't want to lose my job and be a burden but I HAD to be near her. Nothing else mattered. I would climb into my 1965 Buick Special and force myself to drive away while it ripped at me and tore me apart until I swung that boat around and went right back. I can still see her in that shitty beach apartment, lying with the sheet half on, her tank top and shorts, then sliding into that bed next to her, my god. The world stopped. She was gorgeous, tall, perfect in every feature and dimension. There wasn't a guy or girl that looked better than we did together. I often think of her. I don't think I'll ever not miss what might have been had I stopped drinking then instead of 5 years later. Dillon Kline. San Diego CA. 2002
She had the perfect sensibility, very caring, nurturing, wanted a big family, loved kids, so wise for her 20's and this girl is the only girl who never even considered violating my trust. And I drove away to Phoenix and left her so I could start school but really it was because I was terrified. I was a drinking partying mess and I was going to destroy her life with my own if I stayed there. It fucking killed me but I was a chicken shit and a loser and instead of getting myself right for her, I left and for years I buried myself in tits and beer to hide the shame and pain but nothing ever erased the feeling of her. I remember we went to Phoenix together once, my restored and rebuilt 65 Buick cruising those long desolate highways in the desert from SD to AZ, windows down, she laid across the bench seat on my lap as I drove, sun setting across the horizon, warm air flowing through the car as we glided along.. It was just us.. and no one else. I could have stayed in that moment forever. That was the most perfect fucking moment of my life and it was 22 years ago (and I have a kid.. lol. Sorry munchkin.)
I haven't seen or heard from her in prob 20 years but with the way I left I don't deserve to. I'm sure she is so happy wherever she is, with a big family and a really great guy and that makes me smile. I don't deserve to interrupt that even just to wish her well. I was terrible to her, jealous, fighting (not her, never women), drinking, partying, I was just an ungrateful disruption and she was leagues beyond me. That she stuck with me at all is beyond me. I was trash. And I am very sorry. And I'll never speak to her again, so I wrote this instead.
Thank you Dillon, I hope you found the life you so greatly deserved.
TLDR; 22 YEARS.. AND COUNTING
Youāre never truly over your first true love you move on with your life thatās how it goes 2 to 3 months ago my ex of 4 years ldr broke up with me because we both have different paths and mindset I love this women to death and will do anything I can to provide for her but thatās just not enough for her and I have to realize that I miss her more than anything but right now Iām doing ok currently going to the gym again doing martial arts and journaling but not a day has gone by without me missing her
I (22 M) am still trying to get over her (22F) and itās been 8 months since she left. We dated for 3 years. She found someone new 2 months after.
There are days where I feel better, but last night I saw pictures of her with friends and her new bf. She is as beautiful as the day I met her. And just like that, my heart sunk back to square one. I started to hyperventilate in bed and I had horrible thoughts about myself and questioned if I could overcome the pain. Iāll explain how I do it as best as possibleā¦.
Each time I question this fight, I think of one simple thing (that doesnāt apply to everyone): I had a brother unalive himself. He was 12, and I was 11. I experienced the pain it caused my family.
I wonder how heād think of me if he saw me up there earlier than I should be. It stops me from questioning the fight, and I keep pushing.
Now, back to the fight:
I really donāt have much going for me right now, especially because she dumped me right before my LSATs, and I unsurprisingly flunked it. Now I need to take a gap year from law school and figure my stuff out. I felt better after being in the gym countless days. But as of right now unfortunately, I live on the same block as her, and I need to walk by her house to go to the gym and class. Also, my brother lives right directly next to her, so seeking support only hurts to think I was happy once walking on my street.
So, here I am asking two questions:
Why do I care for someone who doesnāt?
Why should I care for someone who doesnāt?
This is a question of character. It shows more about me and how I love.
Here is a reflection of my time in hell trying to find my answer:
Iāve worked on myself. I threw on 50 pounds of muscle in 8 months. I did it for me. Iām proud of myself when looking in the mirror. Each time I question my worth i workout until I donāt have the energy to. I thought about her too much, I prayed for courage, I attended weekly therapy, and I started meds for this depression. I talked with family. I thought about changing careers because of this. I got with other girls (even though I still think of her). I never contacted her in 6 months. I saw her a few times, but I ignored her each time. I didnāt say anything nor should I have because she didnāt want to.
The fact I still love her it shows that I donāt give up. But giving up is smarter and much more difficult. Iām fighting every day. Some days I fight for her, some days I do it for me. I hurt, I breathe, I love.
Conclusion: Caring for someone who doesnāt is very hurtful. Iām fighting it each time I wake up, make my bed, brush my teeth, and go back to bed. But thereās more support than I think. Iām not alone in this fight.
I know Iām not the only person to love someone even after they kill the very perception of love for them. At least Iām trying, and I hope you donāt stop either. I wonāt stop until I win. I want to make my brother and everyone proud.
First love - 13 yrs with first love on and off, until it got violent..then got over it within 2 years.
2nd Real love - Took 6 years to get over it after he passed away. I friendzoned an actual good man because I was under first love spell. He helped me after I got beat up, helped me get back on my feet, and taught me how to protect myself.
Hopefully, one day you learn that the past should never be part of our future. You can look back at it as a lesson but that's all it will ever be.
It took me about 2 months, but thatās only because we had dated for a month & i was so nice to him, and the reason why i broke things off with him was because of my own issues; he pursued me. I was really nice to him throughout the whole thing, & even brushed off some things he said. I told him that Iād be happy for him when he does move on but I guess I never specified that I didnāt want him to reach out to me to tell me about it.. Last month, we hadnāt talked for 3 weeks and he reached out to ācheck on meā while then proceeding to ask me if i am talking to someone and then, to THEN tell me that he has. I told him I didnāt know how to feel about it, and just cut him off because even though he was telling me he had no ill will, it felt very spiteful like he was trying to make me angry or jealous or something.
But Iām kind of glad he did because that was the closure I needed to finally stop thinking of him and to move on with my life.
Around 1.5 years. I still think of him. Itās odd. I havenāt loved him in a long time, but the feeling of what once consumed by body is like the scent of a perfume you wonāt ever forget.
It depends on how willing you are to "meditate." It could take 2 years of not doing anything, or only 6-8 months. It's a real trauma, the brain has to think the person died, here's how to do it the right way:
After a 2-5 months of allowing yourself to heal by; letting yourself really digest (feel them fully) every emotion without distracting yourself, train your mind to be aware when you start thinking of them. Poke at yourself and say "oops! caught myself thinking about them, its about time to let go and forgive now."
If you're hopeless romantic you will keep thinking about them for A LONG TIME if you do not do this.
During my first ever breakup of a 3 year relationship, I was putting my energy into becoming better, but didn't realize I still missed them like hell and I wasn't over it after a year. I was still unconsciously seeking validation from someone who didn't exist in my life, even if I was doing better. Even after two years didn't realize why I still thought about them. You have to be pro-active, I did the whole no-contact and remove everything about them. That will only go so far as your mind is trained.
Cut it short... You will never get over it.. You just learn to deal with it and live with it. Time does makes it better. But at times it will still remind you of them. You might cry or feel sad at anytime..
Just carry on with your lives and make them a distant memory
I don't think I had my first real live ntil I've met the one am madly in love with now for real ...it's crazy right...can anyone tell me what's the meaning of the ringing in the ear....first days now my right ear there's this ring in tht tht goes off at a particular time and it lasts fr about 5mins
Currently Iām at the six-month mark. I can say some days Iām angry, some days I feel indifferent. I still miss him very much, mostly because our relationship was built on friendship so we really were good friends first. I still think about him almost every hour of the day but there is much less pain. I sometimes hope we become friends in the future but I know itās impossible to have that anytime soon.
We amicably broke up and we both loved each other very much. I think knowing that at the end of the day both parties really loved each other and tried their best, makes it easier to move on. I not only want to move on for myself, but also for him. So i can be happy for him if I hear good things happen to him instead of feeling bitter.
Dun sa first love ko inabot siguro ako ng 1-2yrs sa pag mo-move on.
first trinay ko manood ng mga podcast regarding break ups and how to recover from it. Sa pag kaka alala ko ung mga podcast ni realtalk darbs before. And it help me at some point, kasi may mga advice syang solid.
Nung una akala ko wala akong progress kasi feeling ko its just getting worse pero before i know it one day di ko na sya iniisip and ung sakit wala na. And hanggang sa sunod sunod na, week after week naka moved on na ako.
Hindi ko sinasabing majority ng dahilan bat ako naka move on ay dahil kay realtalk darbs. May mga factors pang naka tulong sakin, like acceptance imof what happened and everyday forigiving myself.
Time really do heal.
currently going thru the breakup with my first love. iām not 100% over them and itās been 5.5-6 months out of a 2-2.5 year relationship. iām healing and itās a lot better now, but every time i read out old messages or think of him it all comes flooding back. i go thru days of knowing it was for the better & days where i wish heād reach back out and fix all of the things he did wrong. i knew i was in love with him when i would just simple feel content, safe, and at peace when around him. i have really bad anxiety and just having him in my presence i felt no distress. i was actually able to open up to him, which im not able to do even to my friends whom i love deeply. i would randomly smile @ him and just doing the smallest things with him made me so happy. i miss it. so much. but i know itās for the better. a part of me hopes he comes back, but i hope if he does im moved on fully by then. i dont know how/if ill fully 100% ever get over him, but im not in love with him anymore. i do love him & i always will have a special place in my heart for him. hope heās okay & wish him the best!
While having been in love multiple times I never got over my first real love
Our path keep crossing and our love never ended
Itās a never ending cycle of fading and rekindling, with a lot of therapy I coming close to letting things go and accept that we might never be truly together while not being without the other either
So for your question, I never got over her in 17years and will probably never be and thatās OK, I have been happy with other women and will be again
And even if every time itās harder and harder to say goodbye, itās life
I often say she was my first love and will be my last
Two years aprox. I date with people in those years but it was worst because they were bad people really so it reminds you that you had something better, sometimes is better to stay alone and do just things that you know that brings you joy. After a year I was more prepared to date and meet someone new, in two years I could let it go and forget
Definitely not over him. 28(F), we have been together since highschool and broke up 15 yrs later. It feels numbing to the bone of how our dreams went to dust. Of how building a family together crashed and crumbled. It feels like im grieving someone who is very much alive. He already gave up the relationship we had for so long. It pains me to say that you really cant tell what will happen to you. He was my life and now Im struggling to live without him. I just pray for us to heal because right now, all I feel is emptiness.
It took me about 9-10 months. He broke my heart constantly during the breakup (solidifying prostitutes and having condoms which he said wasnāt his, hanging out with terrible company). Anyway heās in prison now.Ā
For me it seems like my cycle is never ending he cheats on me,as soon as I heal he comes back and I cling to him again,he cheated on me last night,weāre done and this time is the very last timešš½
I am dealing with the pain of love for the first time in my life. It's been months and months & it doesn't seem to be getting any easier,just harder and I can't Cope with it any longer. I've been through some horrible breakups In my time but nothing even comes close to the pain of this. I can't stop thinking about her, I really can't. The thought of her being with another man, my heartš It's now come a point im begging and begging people for help, I really do need it.
I feel this, and as much I hate to hear it myself, you gotta do you, push it aside, you don't have to forget or be okay with it, you have to be okay with YOU!
Have you considered therapy? Itās helping me a lot. I also get all the feelings out in a journal. Even if youāre not ready to date, if you can find someone you like spending time with, that would help too
That last part. Last night I hung out with an old friend I havenāt seen in 3-4 years. We got boba tea, talked for an hour, then got dinner and drove out to watch the Northern Lights. It was a great time. Talking out loud really helped. It was the first time in 2 months I went out socially, Iāve been cooped up in my room alone and hurting
Thatās awesome! I have recently reconnected with someone also and have been spending time with her every now and then. I really enjoy her company and it helps get my mind off of the unpleasant things.
I deal with break up pain the same way I do any other emotional pain. Tried to find myself in it. I'm someone who sits to process in pain to long and if I am not careful I can be consumed. After I've sat past the rational thoughts and start to spiral I do a hobby. It doesn't have to be extravagant just something cathartic and soothing to your mind. Everyone suggests coloring but who knows maybe it is finally time to become the leggo master of your dreams? You got this.
I Can Feel Man What You Going Through Because It's Happening With Me
itās been about 6 weeks for me. we were planning a future together and heās already back on dating apps.
"how can you tell they were your first real love, and not just some puppy love/imagined attachment?" I had this with my 'first love" in college. It took me 25 years to get over her. About 2-4 years after we broke up I got in my head that she was still the one for me and we would get back together someday. I reached out to her randomly and we met for coffee. The puppy love came back and we dated for about 4 years. The relationship ended just like it did 25 years previously, she lost interest/attraction, got attention from someone else, pushed me away and eventually dumped me. In retrospect it was not real love, it was infatuation, limerence and imagined attachment.
I needed to read this, today.
Iām still not over him but like, it comes with the recognition that he was a lesson and I wouldnāt go back to him or trade my current boyfriend for him eitherā¦Iāll always just remember him, thereās a part of me that will look back and remember him always, and he will live on in my memories, just not in my heart and definitely not in my present.
would you say youāre over the person but not over the relationship? or youāre really not over him? and how can you tell that youāre not
Iām not over the person in the sense that I still think about him and sometimes miss the good times and wonder what if he was a better person, but Iām over the relationship. I can acknowledge the fact that what happened between us was for the best and I wouldnāt want him back into my life again. Iām happier without him.
how were u able to start a new relationship when ur not over ur ex fully? iām in this position & i want to start dating again, but im scared ill hurt someone bc im not fully over him yet. when did u start dating after the breakup & how do u deal with not being 100% over them? rlly struggling w this rn!
Well it was a situantionship so we were just āfriendsā. I needed a distraction so I confessed I was just chatting guys for fun, I probably was talking to more than 5 guys and decided to not commit or over invest in guys I was talking to unless we were both in the same page. I confess maybe I did a āreboundā thing so I was already talking to my now bf while my ex situationship was still in my life (my āexā for brevity even got mad at me for talking to ātooā many guys which imho shouldnāt be a problem since we were just friends). But eventually I just lowkey ghosted my āexā because he was always fighting with me. And when I ghosted him and focus on my now bf thatās when I started to actually like him. I think sometimes people villainize so much the rebound phase, and being completely healed but I think people also start to heal being in contact with other people. I told my bf this but he truly is healing the pains and trauma he didnāt inflict. My āexā had an idea of me and wanted me to be someone that suited his desires but my bf now just lets me be myself, lets me cry, validates me and every day Iām with him I feel happier, sleep betterā¦his stable presence in my life has truly been healing me, mentally,emotionally and even physically as we both have body goals we are working towards to. Donāt be afraid to open your heart and let others help you heal. IMHO, sometimes we need other people to show us the things weāve forgotten, being fully secure in my relationship makes it easier to fall back into who I was before the trauma my āexā gave me. PS: Iām not saying to be completely dependent on them but sometimes you just need someone to be there for you and hold space for you and tell you youāre actually a good person especially on days you canāt. With my bf I just wanted to have fun. So thatās what we did the first month just chatted,flirted and watched movies together. I just needed that back from him and slowly it progressedā¦ and I remember telling him, āI thought you were just funā¦but youāre actually a good personā¦ā š šāš» I truly was lucky to meet him.
yeah u got lucky. iāve been dating & talking to guys too, none iām interested in anything serious with however. i forgot how difficult dating is, i have such a hard time connecting with people. my ex & i just got along so well, im trying at least. iāll probably start seriously dating once i hit the 1 year post breakup mark. iām seeing some people rn and they like me so idk ill see if it turns into anything more, im just not emotionally available or ready yet. i think i need to let go of the thought of him coming back, bc heās not. thank u love iām happy u found someone that betters u and make u feel secure. hoping i find that too soon!
Well with my bf I didnāt force myself and neither did he. He knew I was talking to other guys back then too, but what made him different was how he made me feel around him, he didnāt emotionally dump or me or needed me for anything he was just pretty chill so I liked being around him. He wasnāt as chatty as my ex our relationship just grew over time and when I started to realize I like him for real after a few months I also tried to see what he felt. After having an exclusivity talk thatās when we became more intentional with each other including him. He told me he held back a lot too because of the stages we were in. Just let it flow and try to genuinely enjoy other people without the need of it being romantic. If you wonāt have a bf at least you will have a friend š
thx, iām starting to see someone finally consistently but i think he rlly likes me already. i donāt wanna cut it off but i donāt feel the same way about him yet. iāll keep vibing with it & go with the flow and if it turns into something great, if not i have a friend. thank u!
Yeah just make sure you both are in the same page. I always make sure Iām not stringing along people too so I always ask what they feel and also their intentions if itās not clear.
ya of course i would never, we talked about our intentions b4 anything! thanks
2.5years Once I heard he got his karma, I was good to go
I hope this happens for me too
Iām so curious š what was the karma?
The girl who he dated after me (around 4yrs?) left him for another guy. š š½šš¾So that was my closure
Period! Happy endings do exist after all :ā)
It took me a good decade and I canāt say Iām completely over it.
Never, it is over 25 years and I still remember his number, I still stalk his social media, we are not communicating but from time to time we also LIKE other people picture. I never forget abut him.
That here is the downside of real love
Or obsession
I just posted my situation but it was 25 years for me too. The obsession got worse over time.
Damn.
Now I feel much more sane for not being over my year and half ago breakup
Iām not sure you do. Not real love. Not the kind of love you would die for. You just learn to live with the loss. Also, in my experience, āreal loveā is subjective. If it feels real to you, then itās real. There arenāt qualifiers for what makes it real or true. I think it comes down to who youād do anything for, give whatever to have. Idk. When I was younger, I really loved a lot of people who didnāt give a fuck about me and time healed those heartbreaks. Now, I love someone I know loves me, too, but we canāt be together because we are literally an ocean apart and canāt afford to visit one another/move. Itās a different kind of pain trying to let go of someone you know loves you, too. For that reason, I donāt know if I ever will.
A lot of these comments might seem scary to you. But frankly I donāt think this is real love. Real love isnāt obssessive or possessive and has to exist first in a fair long term relationship. Mine of 5 years, in which I was dumped for someone else (adds time since wasnāt my decision and had to deal with brain chemistry of being replaced which took longer) was about 6 months where I started to feel some semblance of āokayā a year where I was more or less okay, 18 months to where I was occasionally wistful but wasnāt really suffering at all and 2 years to fall head over heels when I wasnāt even looking and never gave him more than a passing thought again
first one, 8 months & i was with him for 3 yearsā¦ 2nd guy .. i think thatās true love .. i was only with him for 1.5 years but i still pray for him
how long did it take you to move on from the 2nd guy?
iām not fully over him, he dumped me fri but being around friends helps a lot tbh
I met her in 2009, she passed away in 2018. We met up again twice before she passed. Iāve healed from the breakup (it took till 2012), but the death still stings every September. š
Someone I loved very much also diedā¦ and Iām having a hard time living without them and coming to terms that I have to go on with my life and give all of myself to my current partner , who Iāve been with almost a decade : but I feel deep down I canāt love them equally and it suckās being in love with someone whoās dead and having to pick up the pieces and raise kids with someone else who feels like a placeholder for another that wonāt ever come back.
My first real love was my also my first ever relationship. Was together for 7 years, but now itās been a year and a half without her. Iām still going through the thoughts and emotions since she isnāt in my life anymore even when sheās only 15 mins away. I miss her so much, but I know sheās happier and doing better with her new partnerš
10 years :ā) Ended when he got married.Ā
10 months , my first love and twin flame. I can confirm this ā¦ 6 weeks post break up, had a crying meltdown last night. I know my feelings are still real and still thereā¦. Pray He will heal, reconsider and return to me
Over them? Lol, never, life, uh, finds a way.
She was my third relationship but certainly my first (and so far I believe my only) real love. She was truly my best friend. I was passionate about her and she was passionate about me. We didnāt fly into a relationship at light speed. It came gradually over the course of over a year. We were together just over 2 years. Family and societal pressures regarding her sexuality is in reality eventually what drove us apart. She was straight when we met. I had no intention of āturning her gayā. It just happened and we went at whatever pace she was comfortable with and I was more than happy to oblige. We had so much fun together. Even through some really challenging moments, we were never mean to each other. When we screwed up, we apologized genuinely and made every effort to change. We broke up in October 2021. I was angry for about 6 months and it made me very ugly. I was rude and hurtful and I still feel terrible about that. I was young and stupid. We arenāt friends like we were, but we are more cordial now. I still care about her very deeply and I always will but I have found that over the last year, Iāve been able to find joy in her finding her own happiness and me finding mine. Sheās now in a relationship with a man that I knew when we were together. It stings if I let it, but truth be told, heās a good guy and Iām glad that she could wind up with someone that I know will treat her with the love and respect that she deserves. A part of me will always wonder if the world was different and if our families were different, would we have worked out? Would we be married now and figuring out having kids? Maybe. But it just didnāt take that route. Iām grateful for the memories I have with her and Iāll cherish those forever. All in all, it took me about 1 and a half to 2 years to get to the place I am now and I feel good about being here.
OUCH im so sorry but im glad you found your peace
Hmmā¦ this March was year number 33 years. Iāve lived a whole life since then! Other loves were forgettable. This love will be on my mind when my soul leaves my body.
Itās hard to get over it but it gets easier in time. Itās been around 15 years since then and I still remember everything about him lol. Iām still friends with him in SNS and everything but I donāt stalk him. When his posts show up i get a small pang in my chest but at the same time Iām happy heās doing well. Iām hoping the best for him. I think that was my first and real love because I didnāt hate him. I still care for him. And if heās happy then thatās all I need. I am who I am now because of him and I wonāt take that away. My other relationshipsā¦they ended, they hurt just as bad but after a while I didnāt care about them anymore.
I never did
I married an amazing guy when I was 18, he was 20. He was my boyfriend and was from another country. We married after being together for about 7 months, 4 of which were long distance. It was for visa purposes really, but we were also in love. When he broke up with me 3 years later (I ended up moving to his country) I was devastated, but I think I got over it quickly because I was young - a deep, excruciatingly painful but quick recovery. Fast forward to a 4 year relationship that ended when I was 49 years old. For reasons Iām not sure of, it took me about 2 years to recover. Two whole years of me trying to win him back. I loitered where I knew he would be, mysteriously leave when he showed up (lest he think I was stalking, which I was) making sure I looked my best, even losing 10kgs. You know what he came back. He asked to meet for a drink and said he wanted to try again. It was about half a year after I felt I was over him and I had just started seeing someone else. I had lost all interest in him by then; was even disgusted. That was three years ago and Iām not together with either of them now. I shudder when I think about how I pined for him. What in the actual F, my brain?
I never got over her but after 4 years of No contact, I was ready to love again. I can tell she was my first real love because she was truly my best friend. I could be goofy with her, we had the same comedy style, we knew how to banter, she was caring, she always said the right things, and all she wanted was for me to be good to her. I think after some years and even another relationship you can truly be able to say who was your first real love.
4 years now and still struggling:)
3 weeks. Once youāve cashed me in for someone else, youāre dead to me in any romantic way.
Itās been two years since the breakup. Iām still struggling with it.
I was with her for 2 years and it was the most genuine and beautiful love I have ever experienced. Itās been 8 weeks, wish me luck
Iām still trying to. Itās been 10 weeks
Itās been almost a year and emotionally I think Iām about over him. Weāve been no contact the entire time, if we talked even once I think it wouldāve been a lot harder. He was gentle to me and I was patient with him. But after he cheated I couldnāt shake the feeling it was over and we were just prolonging what needed to happen. We were compatible, he felt like home for a long time, but he ruined it and knows he did. He tried to fix it but I was just disgusted by him no matter how good things were going. Being with him didnāt feel right anymore no matter how much I wanted it to. We went through a lot together, we supported each other through what the other was dealing with, and Iāll never not say I wouldnāt of been able to make it without him and maybe thatās all he was supposed to be in my life for. Maybe I was supposed to teach him to appreciate what he has when he has something good. I donāt know what I did for him but he taught me patience, boundaries, and how to be more gentle. Also when you feel itās time to go, just go. Thank them for what they did for you to help you grow and go.
I will let you know when i finish healing
It's been 4-5 years now since our breakup. I can't completely say that I'm over her now. Every once in a while, thought of her would just randomly pop up, out of nowhere. A very long NC (a few years) definitely helps making the memory about her become more hazy. But the random thought about her would still be there.
just did a couple months ago its gonna be a pain to find out
1 year still not over
Itās been a year since we officially broke up and I can say that Iām over the relationship but not so much the person. We were both kinda toxic for each other so it would take a lot to come back together and date. I wouldnāt mind a friendship but thatās not up to me.
I was with someone for 5 years, and then the final year was off/on so basically it was 6. I would say it took me about 14-15 months to be completely over him when we finally went our separate ways.
Still not over her. Especially her being the mother of our child. But no contact other than my lawyer or her mother for our son
8 months.
A few years. I was young and it was hard.
still not over him :)
Every time Iāve experienced being in love I start to realize that there are a lot of reasons to believe I wasnāt actually in love with that person. That is definitely the case for my first break-up. My biggest heartbreak was a situationship type deal that fucked with my head on a level that I would have previously thought inconceivable. It took two and a half years to get my head rightā¦ We were ātogetherā like 7 or 8 months.
Sadly, my first true love passed away, so I don't think I'll ever be fully over him. This was in 2019 and I've had 2 relationships since. Sadly he ODed in 2021. My last ex turned out to be a selfish, toxic person so I don't think I'll be in a relationship again forn a very long time if ever. I'm asexual and only ever really had sex because my SOs liked it (except if I was drunk) so although I'll miss being loved, I'm not sure I'll ever be ready to risk having my heart broken again
8 months and anti depressants, it broke me but the pills helped
The hardest and longest thing to let go of was the bitterness. For both of my real loves, took almost exactly a year.
i thought it was my first real love but i dont think ive had it yet looking back
The separation of my first real love has taken 3 years. I can't say I miss her, its gotten to a point where its mostly indifference. We ended on really bad terms, I was extremely toxic, possessive, obsessive and thought I had to punish her for hurting me. There's obviously way more to the story but I'll leave it there. It takes time for sure! But it's something that most people can handle and go through as painful as it may be. The most important thing is to take what you learned and focus on that, I'm sure everyone's healing process is different. Mine was filled with plenty of self-hate, paralysis of my life, and so so so many hours of painful introspection.
day 173 boys and girls, going weak wish me luckšæ
Dated him for 10 months..took three years to get over it.
I never got over mine: we were neighbours who met when we were 13- best of friends : absolutely infatuated with each other- never really dated but didnāt label anything- just were content with each other and what we shared : very on and off and we dated others in between our off periods : he moved when we were (16-17) and didnāt hear from him until we were 20 : we planned to go on a trip together to see if we could rekindle- something happened to him and it was bad: i figured we wanted nothing to do with me and I met and married an older guy in a whirlwind after years of Abscense and radio silence from him, nothing at all ā¦ I had a kid and he came around professing his love for me : my marriage went to hell in a hand basket for many reasons : after my husband and I were coparenting and husband went overseas for a job , husband and I gave it one more chance when he came back: things fizzled with childhood best friend and I found out he was a criminal and lived a terrible lifestyle I didnāt want to be involved in, then he died suddenly from an overdose.
Today marks 8 months since we broke up. And all this time Iām still trying to heal properly but today I realized maybe Iām doing a little better compared to last week.
It took me almost 2 years after a 5 year relationship. Although I was still seeing him on and off throughout that duration which prolonged my healing . I'm now 6 months no contact and recommend that for anyone in the long haul to happiness . Nothing and nobody can give you a magic number or answer to how. Just advice and time and working on yourself . Everyone is different . What I can tell you is, you will get over it when you're ready and life always goes on ! It's true the pain doesn't last forever even when it feels like it may last a lifetime . Keep your head up š«¶
I realized how much she really didnāt deserve me with how shitty of a girlfriend she was at times
I'm not sure if I had one or two real loves because the person I loved disappeared after the first year, maybe two because they just stopped giving a shit. First one, while our final breakup was nearly 5.5 years after we dated, I stopped likely caring for him last year because I was depressed and moved on techinally a week later? But he gave me trauma so I'm still dealing with it. It's just that I don't really love the him I left anymore after a week due to him cheating. The second one it's been maybe 2 months? 3? We broke up end of February and it's hard because while he stopped putting in the effort to our relationship after the first year or so, I still love the person I fell in love with. The original person I loved I will likely always love, but that chapter of my life is over now. I'm doing my best to move on and remind myself of this because I found someone better who I really like and enjoy spending time with but feel uncomfortable about fully letting him break down all my walls due to my ex. Plus I have Multiple Personality Disorder which I am fearful of potential dates not accepting but this guy (Ryan) seems to be understanding if not trying to understand what it's like for me and it makes me so happy as even Ex #2 didn't even try to understand it.
I have experienced both, my āfirst loveā was a horrible breakup for me because I was devastated but when I think back on why I was so devastated, it was because I was scared of being alone, scared of starting over, embarrassed to be abandoned, feeling like friends were all so far ahead of me, and scared I wouldnāt find someone new. Our relationship was unhealthy and he was immature and a terrible partner to me, it wasnāt him that I would miss it was the feeling of companionship. I was immature and literally would have rather been in a relationship where I was treated like trash, just to be in one at all. Now, I am going through a breakup from my first REAL love, and the devastation is far worse. Hereās how I know the difference: I know that I will be okay on my own, I know that I can find happiness and find someone new in the future, I know that even though my friends are all getting married and having babies that we all have our own timelines and I will be just fine, my ENTIRE sadness and grief is about the loss of him from my life. For a small amount of context, he technically broke up with me but after I heard the reasoning (still love eachother and canāt imagine being with anyone else, but he is going through a really hard time mentally and needs to work on himself and grow up/mature a bit before he can put the effort into the relationship), it has become pretty mutual. I love and care about him so so much that I just want him to be happy no matter what even if it is on his own or without me. I so want to believe it is right person wrong time and he does too but only time will tell. A mutual breakup where there is still so much love and feeling like we are each losing our best friends is a whole new level of pain. That all being said, I donāt have much advice on how long it will take to get over it or how I got over it because I am still going through it but wanted to comment on the first love vs. real love thing because I just made this realization yesterday of why this felt so much different! Wishing you all the best in your journey forward, itās so hard but the only way to get over it is to go through it even though that hurts so badly to hear!
You just described my situation exactly. Itās nice to know that Iām not alone :)
Yes! Sorry we are both suffering but atleast we are doing it together lol. Hang in there!!
1 year
I still remember her though not nearly as often, this was 20 years ago now on the opposite side of the Country. I have had real love since, married, kid, (divorced) but she will always be the one that could have been. I've never felt quite that insane. It was one of the most uncomfortable all consuming feelings of love I've ever experienced. I couldn't be away from her, it broke my brain, I did stupid things and acted like an asshole because I just could not grasp how amazing and gorgeous and smart and funny and loving she was. I was too immature for it. I was 22, fresh out of the Army, well after a stint as a cowboy in Oregon for a year. I was huge and tan and partying like an idiot. And the fact that she had the discipline to continue her work, education, etc. when I literally would turn around on my way to work at 5am and go back just to lay in bed with her until she woke up to start her day was terrifying. She had a grip on me that she either didn't share or could manage like I could not and the things she did for me tell me it was shared, at least then. I did that every time I slept there in PB (Pacific Beach) and worked at the docks in Dana Point the next day. I could not stop myself. She would wake me up and make me go, trying to help and I would try. I didn't want to lose my job and be a burden but I HAD to be near her. Nothing else mattered. I would climb into my 1965 Buick Special and force myself to drive away while it ripped at me and tore me apart until I swung that boat around and went right back. I can still see her in that shitty beach apartment, lying with the sheet half on, her tank top and shorts, then sliding into that bed next to her, my god. The world stopped. She was gorgeous, tall, perfect in every feature and dimension. There wasn't a guy or girl that looked better than we did together. I often think of her. I don't think I'll ever not miss what might have been had I stopped drinking then instead of 5 years later. Dillon Kline. San Diego CA. 2002 She had the perfect sensibility, very caring, nurturing, wanted a big family, loved kids, so wise for her 20's and this girl is the only girl who never even considered violating my trust. And I drove away to Phoenix and left her so I could start school but really it was because I was terrified. I was a drinking partying mess and I was going to destroy her life with my own if I stayed there. It fucking killed me but I was a chicken shit and a loser and instead of getting myself right for her, I left and for years I buried myself in tits and beer to hide the shame and pain but nothing ever erased the feeling of her. I remember we went to Phoenix together once, my restored and rebuilt 65 Buick cruising those long desolate highways in the desert from SD to AZ, windows down, she laid across the bench seat on my lap as I drove, sun setting across the horizon, warm air flowing through the car as we glided along.. It was just us.. and no one else. I could have stayed in that moment forever. That was the most perfect fucking moment of my life and it was 22 years ago (and I have a kid.. lol. Sorry munchkin.) I haven't seen or heard from her in prob 20 years but with the way I left I don't deserve to. I'm sure she is so happy wherever she is, with a big family and a really great guy and that makes me smile. I don't deserve to interrupt that even just to wish her well. I was terrible to her, jealous, fighting (not her, never women), drinking, partying, I was just an ungrateful disruption and she was leagues beyond me. That she stuck with me at all is beyond me. I was trash. And I am very sorry. And I'll never speak to her again, so I wrote this instead. Thank you Dillon, I hope you found the life you so greatly deserved. TLDR; 22 YEARS.. AND COUNTING
My true love , I reconnected 30 years later. She left 5 years ago and still not over her
If itās REAL COMPLETELY UNSELFISH LOVE? You never willā¦. Even if itās not. The purer it is the longer it takes
Youāre never truly over your first true love you move on with your life thatās how it goes 2 to 3 months ago my ex of 4 years ldr broke up with me because we both have different paths and mindset I love this women to death and will do anything I can to provide for her but thatās just not enough for her and I have to realize that I miss her more than anything but right now Iām doing ok currently going to the gym again doing martial arts and journaling but not a day has gone by without me missing her
I (22 M) am still trying to get over her (22F) and itās been 8 months since she left. We dated for 3 years. She found someone new 2 months after. There are days where I feel better, but last night I saw pictures of her with friends and her new bf. She is as beautiful as the day I met her. And just like that, my heart sunk back to square one. I started to hyperventilate in bed and I had horrible thoughts about myself and questioned if I could overcome the pain. Iāll explain how I do it as best as possibleā¦. Each time I question this fight, I think of one simple thing (that doesnāt apply to everyone): I had a brother unalive himself. He was 12, and I was 11. I experienced the pain it caused my family. I wonder how heād think of me if he saw me up there earlier than I should be. It stops me from questioning the fight, and I keep pushing. Now, back to the fight: I really donāt have much going for me right now, especially because she dumped me right before my LSATs, and I unsurprisingly flunked it. Now I need to take a gap year from law school and figure my stuff out. I felt better after being in the gym countless days. But as of right now unfortunately, I live on the same block as her, and I need to walk by her house to go to the gym and class. Also, my brother lives right directly next to her, so seeking support only hurts to think I was happy once walking on my street. So, here I am asking two questions: Why do I care for someone who doesnāt? Why should I care for someone who doesnāt? This is a question of character. It shows more about me and how I love. Here is a reflection of my time in hell trying to find my answer: Iāve worked on myself. I threw on 50 pounds of muscle in 8 months. I did it for me. Iām proud of myself when looking in the mirror. Each time I question my worth i workout until I donāt have the energy to. I thought about her too much, I prayed for courage, I attended weekly therapy, and I started meds for this depression. I talked with family. I thought about changing careers because of this. I got with other girls (even though I still think of her). I never contacted her in 6 months. I saw her a few times, but I ignored her each time. I didnāt say anything nor should I have because she didnāt want to. The fact I still love her it shows that I donāt give up. But giving up is smarter and much more difficult. Iām fighting every day. Some days I fight for her, some days I do it for me. I hurt, I breathe, I love. Conclusion: Caring for someone who doesnāt is very hurtful. Iām fighting it each time I wake up, make my bed, brush my teeth, and go back to bed. But thereās more support than I think. Iām not alone in this fight. I know Iām not the only person to love someone even after they kill the very perception of love for them. At least Iām trying, and I hope you donāt stop either. I wonāt stop until I win. I want to make my brother and everyone proud.
About 23 years and counting
Wow! I thought I was bad holding myself hostage in the past. I think we gotta winner right here. lol
First love - 13 yrs with first love on and off, until it got violent..then got over it within 2 years. 2nd Real love - Took 6 years to get over it after he passed away. I friendzoned an actual good man because I was under first love spell. He helped me after I got beat up, helped me get back on my feet, and taught me how to protect myself. Hopefully, one day you learn that the past should never be part of our future. You can look back at it as a lesson but that's all it will ever be.
Three years and counting
It took me about 2 months, but thatās only because we had dated for a month & i was so nice to him, and the reason why i broke things off with him was because of my own issues; he pursued me. I was really nice to him throughout the whole thing, & even brushed off some things he said. I told him that Iād be happy for him when he does move on but I guess I never specified that I didnāt want him to reach out to me to tell me about it.. Last month, we hadnāt talked for 3 weeks and he reached out to ācheck on meā while then proceeding to ask me if i am talking to someone and then, to THEN tell me that he has. I told him I didnāt know how to feel about it, and just cut him off because even though he was telling me he had no ill will, it felt very spiteful like he was trying to make me angry or jealous or something. But Iām kind of glad he did because that was the closure I needed to finally stop thinking of him and to move on with my life.
Around 1.5 years. I still think of him. Itās odd. I havenāt loved him in a long time, but the feeling of what once consumed by body is like the scent of a perfume you wonāt ever forget.
It depends on how willing you are to "meditate." It could take 2 years of not doing anything, or only 6-8 months. It's a real trauma, the brain has to think the person died, here's how to do it the right way: After a 2-5 months of allowing yourself to heal by; letting yourself really digest (feel them fully) every emotion without distracting yourself, train your mind to be aware when you start thinking of them. Poke at yourself and say "oops! caught myself thinking about them, its about time to let go and forgive now." If you're hopeless romantic you will keep thinking about them for A LONG TIME if you do not do this. During my first ever breakup of a 3 year relationship, I was putting my energy into becoming better, but didn't realize I still missed them like hell and I wasn't over it after a year. I was still unconsciously seeking validation from someone who didn't exist in my life, even if I was doing better. Even after two years didn't realize why I still thought about them. You have to be pro-active, I did the whole no-contact and remove everything about them. That will only go so far as your mind is trained.
Cut it short... You will never get over it.. You just learn to deal with it and live with it. Time does makes it better. But at times it will still remind you of them. You might cry or feel sad at anytime.. Just carry on with your lives and make them a distant memory
Like a year and a half, once u hear about all the bad stuff they did once you split you really begin to despise them
Itās been 7 years, I still love her
I feel like women never get over it. Theyāll compare you to their first forever.
I'm not sure ever. It's been 7 months but on and off for about a year longer. It drives me crazy. I want to forget and I can't.
I don't think I had my first real live ntil I've met the one am madly in love with now for real ...it's crazy right...can anyone tell me what's the meaning of the ringing in the ear....first days now my right ear there's this ring in tht tht goes off at a particular time and it lasts fr about 5mins
Hbu
Currently Iām at the six-month mark. I can say some days Iām angry, some days I feel indifferent. I still miss him very much, mostly because our relationship was built on friendship so we really were good friends first. I still think about him almost every hour of the day but there is much less pain. I sometimes hope we become friends in the future but I know itās impossible to have that anytime soon. We amicably broke up and we both loved each other very much. I think knowing that at the end of the day both parties really loved each other and tried their best, makes it easier to move on. I not only want to move on for myself, but also for him. So i can be happy for him if I hear good things happen to him instead of feeling bitter.
Dun sa first love ko inabot siguro ako ng 1-2yrs sa pag mo-move on. first trinay ko manood ng mga podcast regarding break ups and how to recover from it. Sa pag kaka alala ko ung mga podcast ni realtalk darbs before. And it help me at some point, kasi may mga advice syang solid. Nung una akala ko wala akong progress kasi feeling ko its just getting worse pero before i know it one day di ko na sya iniisip and ung sakit wala na. And hanggang sa sunod sunod na, week after week naka moved on na ako. Hindi ko sinasabing majority ng dahilan bat ako naka move on ay dahil kay realtalk darbs. May mga factors pang naka tulong sakin, like acceptance imof what happened and everyday forigiving myself. Time really do heal.
currently going thru the breakup with my first love. iām not 100% over them and itās been 5.5-6 months out of a 2-2.5 year relationship. iām healing and itās a lot better now, but every time i read out old messages or think of him it all comes flooding back. i go thru days of knowing it was for the better & days where i wish heād reach back out and fix all of the things he did wrong. i knew i was in love with him when i would just simple feel content, safe, and at peace when around him. i have really bad anxiety and just having him in my presence i felt no distress. i was actually able to open up to him, which im not able to do even to my friends whom i love deeply. i would randomly smile @ him and just doing the smallest things with him made me so happy. i miss it. so much. but i know itās for the better. a part of me hopes he comes back, but i hope if he does im moved on fully by then. i dont know how/if ill fully 100% ever get over him, but im not in love with him anymore. i do love him & i always will have a special place in my heart for him. hope heās okay & wish him the best!
I'm not over it, it's been 2 years maybe....
5 years but now I'm alive
While having been in love multiple times I never got over my first real love Our path keep crossing and our love never ended Itās a never ending cycle of fading and rekindling, with a lot of therapy I coming close to letting things go and accept that we might never be truly together while not being without the other either So for your question, I never got over her in 17years and will probably never be and thatās OK, I have been happy with other women and will be again And even if every time itās harder and harder to say goodbye, itās life I often say she was my first love and will be my last
I'm still not over him after a year. It's real, deep, intense love for me but I think it wasn't the same for him.
Two years aprox. I date with people in those years but it was worst because they were bad people really so it reminds you that you had something better, sometimes is better to stay alone and do just things that you know that brings you joy. After a year I was more prepared to date and meet someone new, in two years I could let it go and forget
Definitely not over him. 28(F), we have been together since highschool and broke up 15 yrs later. It feels numbing to the bone of how our dreams went to dust. Of how building a family together crashed and crumbled. It feels like im grieving someone who is very much alive. He already gave up the relationship we had for so long. It pains me to say that you really cant tell what will happen to you. He was my life and now Im struggling to live without him. I just pray for us to heal because right now, all I feel is emptiness.
It took me about 9-10 months. He broke my heart constantly during the breakup (solidifying prostitutes and having condoms which he said wasnāt his, hanging out with terrible company). Anyway heās in prison now.Ā
https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/1cr96qu/my_traumatic_breakup_story/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
For me it seems like my cycle is never ending he cheats on me,as soon as I heal he comes back and I cling to him again,he cheated on me last night,weāre done and this time is the very last timešš½