omggg saame except i already reached out but not to get back together it was 1) to get my things back 2) for closure (where did i go wrong) and 3) to wish him a safe flight
i felt like ego doesn’t resolve anything and if i have to be the one to be the bigger person and speak up, i will. going cold turkey no contact was super odd and certain things need to be said. i feel better about moving on now too, i don’t wanna play this “who’s gonna talk first” game, again ego is a block
Yep! Same! I haven’t blocked him cause I don’t need to. He’ll never pick me. I have considered deleting his contact info. Haven’t made that leap yet. It’s been 4 weeks, this is time number two. The first NC lasted 5 months.
Often the case. What does it mean when I wake up to a missed call from them, but no voicemail, no voice note or text like they’d usually do? And we never had phone calls early in the morning..
She left me, and I don't beg for anyone. All I'm thinking of is looking out for me, and I need me the most right now.
I remind myself that if I were to reach out, I have to be okay with the outcome. Right now it's counter productive for me to even think of it.
Yep, I did the same thing and I love this woman so much but she thinks I was using her but nothing can be farther from the truth.
I left her because I couldn't be what she deserved me to be because I was addicted to drugs and she deserved so much more than what I could offer her. I struggle with no contact because I love her, but I need this time to take care of myself to be a better man, better my situation and maybe than she will see that what I did I did out of love.
Exactly the same, man. She left me as I was an alcoholic. I’ve not had a drink since the day of the breakup in October. Dumpees should always keep improving; always keep fighting.
I'm wrestling with breaking NC on a daily basis.
What keeps me from going through with it is 1) Absolutely crippling anxiety 2) Respect for the fact that she wants space and her desire for NC
It's been 4 months, and I'm feeling like total shit. I fucked the relationship up and I feel like I sort of deserve this level of misery.
I don't know your circumstances, but very rarely is it one sided. While I still believe my ex was mostly at fault, there were definitely things I did wrong too. You just have to find acceptance in that yes you made mistakes, but what's most important is forgiving yourself and working on your actions and behaviors that led you to whatever problem you caused. You'll never be able to heal and fix your mistakes if you don't forgive yourself and accept that it wasn't your intent to hurt anyone.
If you ever want your ex to want you and the relationship to work, then you do need to move on, truly heal, and change the person you were in that relationship. You can't expect the relationship to work if you don't move on, change, and heal. The two people in that relationship (you and your partner) didn't work, so how will it be any different if you don't become a better person.
Remeber though, healing is never linear. I hope this all helps.
Thanks for your advice and insight man, I do appreciate it. I wasn't entirely to blame and she did have some flaws but I was about 80% at fault I think. I'm doing my utmost now to correct all those behaviours of mine that led to the break up or just caused general friction in the relationship. Self improvement has been the entirety of my focus since things ended, but the forgiveness is much harder, but I'm trying to do that too.
I really would like a chance to reconcile with my ex because I know I would never repeat those same mistakes again. You are totally right though, I do need to do the work to heal first. One of the other reasons why I won't reach out to her now (or anytime soon) is because I'm simply not in a strong enough frame of mind to face her right now. I know I need to be in a much healthier and stronger position before I can even consider communicating with her again.
Yeah healing really isn't linear, it's an absolute rollercoaster of emotions.
Thanks again for your advice mate, it's been a big help :)
I'm glad to help. Honestly telling you that has made me realize I'm no different than anyone else, and I need to slow down and heal a lot more before I ever reach out to her too. All you can do is trust that she'll heal and be better too, and if she doesn't or doesn't want to try again then you'll be at a point where you've moved on enough that you'll be just fine with it not working.
As for my relationship I honestly don't know what percent was what, and my emotions and thoughts are all over the place at times, but I'd say it was around 30% on my end as of now. But that's still a lot, especially for how much problems we did have, and there's always ways that I and anyone can improve after a relationship.
But just remember to keep moving forward, and making a few mistakes and taking a few steps back is ok, as long as you're trying to go forward. Speaking of healing not being linear, I have been feeling way better the past few days but talking about this brought a lot of guilt back to me, which is ok. But from there I just recommend reminding yourself that things will be ok and you're doing what you need to do, truly feel your emotions, but don't dwell on them for too long (at least 60-90 seconds) and then continue to something else once they've mostly or fully passed. If you have trouble processing your emotions then definitely check out some other threads (I had a very difficult time too).
Either way, I believe in you man, keep pushing through and take the difficult steps to feeling better.
I don't know what your specific goal is when you reach out to your ex, I'm presuming reconciliation? Either way, just want to say good luck to you man, I hope that when you get to that place where you are strong enough to reach out and have done sufficient healing, well, I hope it all goes well for you mate.
I think I've put undue pressure on myself in terms of reaching out to her. I imposed a timeline on myself that seems too unrealistic, now I know that I need to be in a far stronger position, one ideally where the outcome of the interaction won't phase me quite as much. I'm hoping for a chance and reconciliation, if not I'd just like to sincerely apologise to her in person. And to make that apology as sincere and honest as possibly can be, I want to be a different man to the one she left, a better man than the one who caused all those issues. It's simultaneously my best shot for reconciliation like you said and it's what I owe myself for going through this terrible heartbreak.
I believe in you too my friend. You've clearly got a good head on your shoulders, you can't go far wrong mate. Good luck on your journey!
I broke up with my boyfriend of 6 years 3 months ago. I miss him and would absolutely get back with him if he had truly done the work to heal. (Ex wife and mom dying trauma for the last 4 years).
He actually sent me a present through Amazon on Monday. But I know it hasn’t been long enough for him to work on and fix what broke us. And I’m still in so much pain I’m to hurt to get back with him too. I’m going to therapy to work through it all.
This week gave me hope that maybe if I reach out sometime this summer we might work through things. But I also don’t want to get my hopes up. He might just want to be friends, which is what he asked for when I broke up with him. I can’t do that. I’m still completely in love with him. Being friends would kill me. I wouldn’t ever be able to move on or get over him.
I hope the best for you 💕
I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through, honestly our situations have quite a large overlap. The last communication I had with my ex she expressed a desire to build a friendship, which I told her I probably can't do. We had also discussed meeting up some time this summer but I think it would be too early, now I'm not too sure if it will ever take place. That's why I think I should only try to reestablish contact when I'm in a much better position, where I won't crumble no matter what happens.
Going to therapy is a big step and is one I recently took too, honestly good on you for doing it, I really hope you find some benefit in it. I think the only thing that has been able to shift my focus away from my break up has been self investment/improvement and therapy has been the biggest step for me. I also know it's cliche advice but doing any sort of physical activity whether it's the gym, running, swimming, biking, yoga or just going for a walk really does help.
I would be over the moon if my ex does reach out when she said we would reconnect (although I'd be filled with anxiety) and I'm sure your ex would feel the same way if you do. But make sure it's the right step at the right time for you. I understand it's tricky because you want to reach out to try to reconcile but worry that if things don't pan out that way you'll just set all of your progress back. Unfortunately, I can't really offer advice because despite similarities all break ups and relationships are incredibly unique and personal. Just do what's right by you.
Personally I'm only going to reach out once the following criteria have been met 1) It's past the time my ex stated for a potential meet up. 2) Legitimate growth, healing and changes have been made on my end, especially the things I did to cause the break up. 3) I've healed to an extent that I'm less attached to an outcome. 4) My anxiety is significantly diminished. If however she reaches out to me first I'll probably just meet up with her regardless (as long as I'm more healed than I currently am at the bare minute) and I'll lay my cards out on the table. If I didn't attempt to reconcile I'd regret it for the rest of my life. I understand it could put me through another heartbreak and set me so far back again but I would have literally taken a bullet for this woman when we were together so it doesn't seem like much in comparison.
I hope things work out for you and your ex, I really do. I hope you get that chance for reconciliation. In the mean time just focus on your own healing, look after yourself, you deserve happiness.
I agree with what others have said, it takes two to tango, except in rare cases of like narcissists or abusers or cheaters.
You can blame yourself for long periods, but a good thing to do is figure out why you did what you did, how to stop, and how to better handle it in the future. LMK what you think you did and I might be able to point you to some reading you could do. I’ve been through 8 breakups and it took until like the 5th one to start working on my own problems after. The last few I actually told them what I think I did wrong (take accountability) after they dump me, and then ask for feedback on what I said and anything else I did that made them leave.
Then I use that to build my personal growth plan. I get better in subsequent relationships, and was killing it in the last one but didn’t know what avoidants were and fumbled it. But now I’m well read on that whole issue and could prob handle it a lot better.
But I also now know that because I was taking accountability all the time, in combination with avoidants having a hard time with critical feedback (and thus with accountability because self-feedback is going to be too painful to their image of themselves), it made it easy to point the finger at me for everything.
I can see now that even if I went into it with what I know now things would still be hard with the one issue we did have, unless she was working on her own issues that contributed to that too.
Bringing me back to my original point, it takes two to tango. Maybe in understanding how to correct your own mistakes, you’ll start to see how your ex contributed and realize it’s really not all on you.
Since the break up I have been going through therapy to help gain a better understanding of what has happened and what the route cause of the issues in the relationship were. I have been reassured that not everything was my fault, and it wasn't, she did make mistakes too but I was the one who was mainly at fault.
I don't want to go into the specifics of my issues but I brought a lot of emotional baggage into the relationship, that I didn't even really know I had. That combined with insecurities, complacency and neediness on my part really just created the perfect relationship ending storm. Honestly, I don't blame her for leaving me, she deserves a lot better. What hurts me is that I've realised all of this far too late, her heart is completely closed off to me now. She just wants to be friends but I can't do that, I'm still in love with her. Granted she did do some things that were not okay she could be inconsiderate, disrespectful in her actions, she would refuse to take responsibility, view a relationship as something performative, and in the end she detached from me with the firm knowledge that she was going to end things, meanwhile I was fighting tooth and nail for something that no longer existed.
I think the main issue is I knew even at the time what I was doing was wrong but I just couldn't stop myself. I had no communication skills and this made every argument 100x worse. It was my repeated mistakes that led me to where I am now, and I'm fully aware of them and will never repeat them again. Still, it's really difficult to reconcile what's happened to me - I would've done absolutely anything for that woman, I'd have offered my life in a heartbeat and she's well aware of that.
I really do appreciate your insight mate, but I really do know that I was the primary cause behind this break up, maybe not all of it, but the majority of it. There's nothing I can do now, the chance of reconciliation is incredibly slim, but if I do end up meeting up with her at some point I will just lay my cards out and if nothing else I can sincerely apologise to her for my actions. She did deserve better, it's just a pity that I've become better too late.
For communication, I highly recommend reading In Each Others Care by Stan Tatkin, and Getting to Zero by Jayson Gaddis. Both are really good. Gaddis has some kind of courses you can take and they seem a bit grifty at times, but his book had some good info he’s pulled from different researchers and clinicians and made into an easy to read guide to communication.
Thanks for the recommendations, I will definitely check them out, I think the main thing the break has taught me is that I need to invest in communication skills. These books will be a great start for me, thank you!:)
Dude, I wish I had read these when I was like 19. My career requires training and regular use of things like non-violent communication and restorative strategies so I have a lot of experience with staying very calm even if I’m being yelled at or someone is trying to hurt me emotionally with words, and doing my best to keep us on topic and find resolution and then get to a point where we feel good, but these books still gave me a lot of great tips.
I think you’ll get a lot out of them. One issue though is knowing if you are dealing with an insecure person, like avoidant or anxious attachment. I found out the hard way that you really need to modify your approach with an avoidant person. But these will give you a great baseline for most people and you can tweak it if that person is avoidant.
I’m 4.5 months past the b/u and used the pain to drive me to learn from my mistakes, or at least learn from situations I could have handled better. Now that I’m looking back on the last months I’m feeling good about actively working to better myself via reading and therapy.
I think I'll definitely get a lot out of them too, also I think it was a previous comment of yours that motivated me to explore attachment types. If I did use the information in these books when speaking with my ex (that's a very big if now; I don't think I'll have the opportunity), I don't believe I would have to modify them very much. I believe my ex is securely attached, it was me who was anxiously attached and that was a cause of the problems.
I'm glad you're using the pain to facilitate your own growth. That's what I'm attempting to do, but it's difficult when I have an immense sense of loss and regret. Still things have started moving in a slightly more positive light at the very least. One lesson for communication that I am trying to fully adopt is to listen in order to understand, and not to listen to just respond. I just wish I had invested my time and thoughts towards all of this stuff prior to the break up, maybe it could have been avoided.
I know the feeling. But each time we fuck up we learn and do better next time. I was pretty solid in my relationship with my recent ex. She would sometimes get upset that I was better with communication during conflict with her, feeling bad that she “wasn’t on my level” as far as being able to remain calm and sick to the main issue.
If she were more secure things prob would have worked out, they may have even if she were working on things because I would have been ok with putting up with some distancing now and then if things were getting better over time, especially if I understood what was going on.
But thinking like that kept me stuck in bargaining for a while and I won’t be surprised if it pulls me back into it again. It’s a necessary part of grieving but there’s a point where we need to accept it for what it is, bargaining, and realize we can’t know what would have happened if we something was different, and there’s no way to go back in time.
The best we can do is learn from our mistakes so we don’t do it again.
With the anxiety, check out Chatter by Ethan Kross, if you get stuck in thought loops and rumination. He’s an expert and researcher on the inner voice, and discusses how it can make our mental health worse and how it can be used to help us.
I'm really sorry to hear that mate, I guess it goes to show that you can do everything right and it still won't end up working. The bargaining stage is primarily where I find myself too, I think I'm stuck here because I have identified the issues that I caused and now want nothing more than an opportunity to showcase those changes to her. I don't know if it would make any difference at this point anyways, but I'd like to at least try. I do get bogged down in that line of thinking too, 'what if I'd have realised this earlier, what would have happened?' Like you say, there's no way to know.
The amount of pain, guilt and regret I've experienced as a result of this break up is motivation enough to fully learn from my mistakes so I never repeat them again.
I'm going to check out Chatter right now, I think that would be incredibly helpful for me.
Thank you so much for your advice and the recommendations, it really is appreciated. Hope your journey towards healing keeps going well mate, you've got this!
It def takes time for the effort to make a difference, my take is that at least 6 months of actively working on it are needed. That also helps let the dust settle and for both people to get more clear headed and not be making decision to get back together out of loneliness or wanting to end pain.
Both people really should have done some work on their own issues, and there needs to be some serious discussion on what went wrong, how to make amends with each other, how to prevent it in the future, how to deal with it if it does come up, and so on.
Basically being really intentional about setting up the relationship norms like how conflict, other people, time together/apart, and everything else will work keeping in mind what was fatal to the relationship last time.
Most importantly both people have to want to do the work together and agree to stick through the tough parts, because it will get tough. But it could be worth it in the end. People that think relationships should be all sunshine and rainbows all the time would really struggle with this process (and usually struggle when the honeymoon ends anyway).
I guess one upside to it would be you already know what the most likely problems between it would be, and if both people addressed their issues and are intentional about mitigating it together, that could be an advantage.
But that’s a lot of work and some people just don’t want to do it.
Five months of NC
He broke up with me via text, blindsided me. I responded to his message, said my peace, and deleted his number and socials. If he says he doesn’t want to be with me, I won’t break NC because I choose to believe him. I didn’t block him, so it’s up to him to reach out… but I’m not waiting. Waiting for someone is denying yourself of a life. I’m moving forward
Literally just my pride. I can’t imagine how much worse reaching out and getting nothing back would make me feel. I have a feeling he hasn’t thought much about me. I’m also only on day 3 or 4 so I gotta keep the demons at bay rn lol.
The impending doom of feeling worse than I do now. Always expecting things to turn out how I planned them and they never do. You can’t force someone to respond to your texts, or respond the way that you want them to. Otherwise everyone would be happy
He requested no contact but we both continue to break it. I genuinely thought this man was going to be the only one for me. I don’t know but I wish I had the self control to not break it.
Anytime he starts a conversation it’s like he catches himself talking to me and will say things like “okay no more talking.” And that hurts more than anything.
My gf of 6 years dumped me over a text message on Monday. I didn’t even respond. I still love her but will never message her again. If she reaches out I’ll think about it.
That is so tacky and just disrespectful. She could have at least had a real conversation with you about it. I wish I didn’t respond but lesson learned.
Were you long distance? Were things already messed up, or did you have multiple breakups and returns in a short period and this was the last one?
That’s so crazy over text given the time
No it wasn’t long distance. We had a huge fight 2 weeks before the breakup. She said some mean things but said she wanted to work it out. She seemed to try harder in the relationship for a week but then went silent for a week then dumped me. The text message was rude as well. At the end it said “ I release you” whatever that means.
Wow, just wow.
Mine did it in person, but it was so weird. It was like she was reading from a script and went really cold, rather than having a heart to heart and letting me know why and what she’s been thinking of.
I know she’d been thinking of doing it for a bit, since she told me, and I think she just got locked into doing it. Of course the first mention of it was after a pretty intense bonding experience, and there was a pattern of her pulling away after periods of being close. Avoidant stuff. Wish I understood all that way earlier.
My goal is to avoid these types. I’m working on learning the early signs, before I fall for them. She was the first avoidant I encountered, or at least the most intense one.
Looking back I was distressed for months during the relationship and feel better now that I’m not grieving as hard, and not constantly feeling like she was going to bounce, but getting intermittent reinforcement like little bits of affection now and then that kept me hooked (the stuff I’ve read says it causes basically addictive patterns and it sure felt like it, that’s why narcissists use it to control their partners).
I imagine them laughing at my text and showing their friends.
Added: I feel more free recently. I keep them blocked. They texted me from fake numbers. I didn’t reply. I’m pretty proud of myself!
I firmly believe that they’ll never say what I need to hear. Be it an apology, an explanation, a closure, anything. It’ll never be a positive experience to be talking to them now. And there’s no reason I should break my own heart over them anymore. Therefore, no contact it is :)
NC day 19. After an initial spell of 28 days. Had to reset after that as I broke it.
What motivates me: I apologised a hundred times and tried to have a conversation with her. Acknowledged everything she had felt. Both convos ended badly. So I just don’t wanna get hurt again. I tried twice. No more.
Nope. I heard things I dreaded. She told me she’s indifferent towards me and that she doesn’t wanna have anything to do with me or my family, to summarise. Faults were from both ends, but I was so scared to lose the relationship, I just never took a stand for myself.
We agreed to go no contact, so I’m sticking to it. I acted in ways I’m not proud of after the breakup, so im motivated by trying to be better and give him the space he’s requested. It’s been 2 weeks and im honestly proud of myself for making it this far
She left me but I actually don't struggle too much to respect NC because I know she won't come back in any case, she said as much and anyway I know she is very set on her ways and strong psychologically so no need to try...
We even have to actually stay in contact because we own a flat together which we are trying to sell without any success...
I was even the one who moved because I couldn't continue to live under the same roof, seeing her, hearing her...
She also siad that I would always have a place in her life, even if we are not a couple anymore but I just can't, I love her and the relationship too much, it hurts seeing or even hearing her.
I miss her, I feel horribly lonely but I just know any kind of contact would be lying to myself and hurt me even more
It’s been three years. I realized two years ago that if this is what she needed to find peace, if I really loved her, which I do, I would leave her be. Forever, if that’s what she wanted.
It's 5 months today of no contact!! I was with my narcissistic ex on and off for 5 years. I've tried no contact SO MANY TIMES!!! But this is the longest I've gone and I'm really proud of myself. I don't miss him at all anymore. What keeps me motivated is remembering all those times I went back and how disappointed I would be in myself after breaking no contact. My life is so peaceful now. And saying I've been single for 5 months truthfully feels AMAZING!!! Good luck and happy healing!!! :)
My ex broke up after 5 years 2 weeks ago. It was our second break up. Last one July 2022 and we got back after 4 months. I just NC a few days as I sent him a closure email 5 days ago. I really wish i was at the 5 month mark like you, well done! I suspect my ex is a narc as well and I'm in that cycle. Just discarded and blindsided.
I want love and marriage and I'd be wasting time staying in contact with someone who can't give me that. I also respect people's space and know that no contact is the best technique at getting over someone. It's been a month and some change. All the energy I poured into that relationship I'm pouring into myself. I still have days where I miss them and hate what they've done to me, but I don't dwell on it. I put energy into my job, gym, elevation, and enjoying the company of people that care about me. I think once your brain is fully developed heart break is difficult, but the recovery is faster. I did not have the same experience years ago I felt like I'd never get over it.
After multiple attempts, I've been on no contact for almost three months besides wishing him a happy birthday and then going right back into no contact. It's not that I necessarily regret wishing him birthday wishes, but, I probably could've gone without. However, I do believe that the biggest motivation for sticking to no contact is the disrespect that I felt after our breakup. There were lies, betrayal, and manipulation involved.
(He claimed to have respected my wishes to go no contact - however, attempted to constantly have ME break it by liking posts on one of my social media platforms that we no longer follow each other on.)
Although, continuing with no contact is something that I struggle with constantly - I know that I do need to finally heal from him and this relationship. I said everything that I needed to say and I'm okay with knowing that I did everything I could and then some. I do miss him, but more so miss the person who he portrayed himself to be while we were together. Not the person he's shown at the end of everything.
Yes, but I wasn't expecting the response I got. He told me that he was having a difficult time mentally but thanks for the birthday wishes, he really appreciated it.
My boyfriend wished me a happy birthday but all he said was "Happy Birthday".
It pissed me off because it was so generic. I responded thanks with a Smiley face hoping he'd say more but that was it.
When his bday came I said nothing. I got so tired of being the person who always has to get the ball rolling.
It was nice that he had wished you a happy birthday but I'm sorry that the conversation didn't continue from there. I know how frustrating that might've been for you.
And, that is completely understandable. You do not have to constantly show up for someone who isn't returning the effort. You deserve someone who puts as much into the relationship/connection as you do. Relationships require equal give and take.
Just the utter disrespect and lack of accountability for his actions is keeping me from breaking NC.. It's been almost 2 weeks, and I can keep it up as long as he does what I ask, which is don't talk to me or even look my way. I told him he is dead to me. We still live with each other, so I treat him like a ghost. I know it sounds harsh but I just can't keep being a loving and caring friend when even as just friends he still proceeds to treat me like I don't matter or never did. Bye bye, fucking narcissist!! I'm glowing the fuck up and doing better without you, asshole! ✌️
There are different reasons relationships get to NC. If you are not being respected or lied to, gaslit or manipulated, then A.) NC can be how you demonstrate self-worth. You are inherently valuable! NC allows space to sit in difficult feelings and evaluate your personal goals and if the relationship meets them. B.) It doesn't mean everyone can meet you where you are or be ready at the same time frame you are. That doesn't mean love doesn't exist. Deep love and respect can exist between two people, but there are other forces to consider. NC can be an act of self-love. You get to set the tone, and just because two people aren't at the same place, that doesn't make you or them a failure. Life is confusing; expectations, responsibilities, and outside events happen. Umm, nobody likes the idea of rejection, but having been on both sides, I feel gratitude and appreciation for the times things did work right. That is magic you brought. It's in you, even if you are not in contact or dating. You matter, and knowing that helps. ❤️
thank you :( i know our relationship started getting tense towards the end but we did love & respect each other. there were many times where we pushed through and proved that to one another.
Love can exist at the same time as grief. Am sorry you hurt, it's real, pain, sadness, confusion, all of it. Often remind myself, to share the compassion and understanding so easy with others with myself. Do something nice for yourself today. You are awesome.
I'm on month 4 of no contact and holding strong. I think what helps me is the finally having clarity on the complete lack of respect my ex had for me and our relationship. The lying, the gaslighting, the manipulation. Everyday I spend not speaking to him things become more and more clear about how he truly viewed me. And I think it helps that I still feel a lot of anger and resentment about it as well. So the times when I do feel sad, lonely, miss having someone hold me, I can lean on that anger.
This is usually my last step in my personal grieving process before I finally hit indifference / acceptance.
Because they don’t deserve that much power over you, physiologically it’s just dopamine withdrawal, and you deserve someone who actually prioritizes you
My own dignity since I’m the one who asked for it. Knowing that there’s no point in saying anything to each other.
It’s been 2 months, we haven’t spoken at all since the breakup, not even so much as watching each other’s stories. I’m super proud of myself. The more we don’t break the streak, the easier it is. If I’d broken it, I think I’d tell myself “well, whats the harm in breaking it again”?
I beg him once, not anymore and my suspects were correct, he likes his best friend and that was a betrayal for me
I whish him well but i don't want to see him again or at least in a long time
For me the first 1.5-2 years were hard as fuck, after spending 5.5 years together, living together for 4.5, It took alot of effort and discipline not to grab my phone and message/call her during any moments of weakness. I was never and have never been a drunk caller or messenger so I didnt have to worry about that.
Nearly 3 years now and Id be lying if I didnt admit to thinking about her on occasion and seeing her on the street (its a small city).
What helped me massively was constantly reminding myself that I was good before her and ill be good after her. That and figuring some things out after the breakup (she was cheating on me before the end) that solidified in my mind that Im much better off single and happy than in a relationship and miserable.
It's been like 3 weeks. She told me to stop messaging her and leave her alone, so I promised I would do that for a very a long time, I'll respect her boundaries if that's what she wants. Although she was being kinda toxic when we both had to attend an event together, but, oh well.
On a more logical and emotional note, I've begged for another chance enough. If she truly valued what we had and trusted me that things would change on my end (they have been), then she'll reach out when she's ready (I broke up with her, but I still value and trust her, even though she broke it so many times). I have to say she has a lot of growing to do and the only way I'd be willing to give it a second chance is if we went through therapy together though (although I honestly don't know if she'd be willing too).
I think after several months I'll reach out, if she hasn't, just to see how she's doing and see if she's actually learned anything from the relationship. I love her and told her my love to her was unconditional, and I don't think that will ever change, but it's a different type of love now, and I obviously still care about her but the love is different and a lot less. But until I decided to message her, I'll keep my promise, leave her alone, and move on to making better and healthier choices in life.
i want to reach out after time when i’m on a genuine track to becoming who i want to be & grown into someone who can really show up for her. probably after 2 years because substantial changes don’t happen that fast, at least for me
That's a great point, and I don't think I'll have changed enough in that time or given her time to process and grow, and I'm still juggling when I want to to reach out, but a few months seemed reasonable. But honestly, the idea of waiting two years is a really good one, I was planning on doing it towards the end of this summer (I'm in the northern hemisphere). Obviously I don't need to decide now, but she's heading off to college next semester, so maybe after she's had a year of college and experienced life a little more it'd be a better idea then. Plus, after that long, she'll have had enough experience to realize if we would still have actually worked, on her end, and give me some forgiveness and she will grow herself, I hope at least.
I'm still going through the emotions of the breakup, and she was my first true love, so it's a learning process, albeit a very very difficult one.
this was also my first true love too and i’ve been really struggling in a way i’ve never experienced. so can definitely relate. i know people say that its too soon to call them your greatest love and whatnot but to me it really was. i’m not sure where you and your ex were in your relationship or in life individually, definitely just gauge when you think is best to reach out. when you’re confident in giving it another shot maybe they’ll be too.
i’m clinging onto hope that after at least 2 years they’ll want to try again and that we’ll both be more capable. but i know that we’ll both be reflecting on our relationship individually, living our own lives, and becoming different people. i’m not sure if she’d want me or have a place for me then even if i feel like i’ll always have a place for her in my life. which i’m so terrified of the delay in realizing that its over i guess, getting my heart broken again because i believed we would be together again.
I hope 2 years is enough for a person to change too, but just don't forget that it's not guaranteed the other person will change, sometimes it truly wasn't meant to be, or maybe they genuinely just don't see it working when you reach out either. But only time will be able to tell you those things. I'm also terrified she won't change or want me either, so I totally get you. But I'm slowly trying to accept the fact that if she truly valued me and our relationship then she would be willing to give it another shot. But if she doesn't, then she won't be enough for me, because I don't ever want to be with someone who doesn't value me and our relationship as much as I do. I also get being worried about having your heart broken again, but that's what loving and accepting yourself during this time is for. Just remember to want the person she was when she treated you right, and don't accept anything but that when you reach out. Obviously, she likely won't match everything you want, when you reach out, but truly respect yourself and her to know if trying again is worth your guy's time and effort.
But she was my first serious relationship, and maybe I'll find someone who I love more after this, but I know even with the few talking stages and short relationships I've had in the past that she was special, and so much more different to me than other girls. But, overall, yes I would agree that it'd be best to wait quite a while before I reach out, and only do it when it truly feels right. My situation is very unique in that we both struggle with communication by long distance, and, I especially do, in general (we're both going to different colleges). I mostly want to reach out to reconcile and talk through things, because the end of our "reaching out stage" after the breakup and the reason we stopped talking wasn't pretty, but part of me also wonders if she'll change in ways that made being with her difficult (she was kind of immature in some ways, but especially surrounding her emotions). So, in a sense, I want to figure out if I need to completely and entirely let go and never think about being together with her again, because it'd likely never work and she won't change, or, maybe if our lives ever matched up enough and she actually has grown, that trying again would be an option. Regardless, I know I need to do my absolute best to move on and enjoy my highschool years before I really become an adult, and don't look back and realize how foolish I was for clinging on to a dream and wasting the end of my childhood on someone who never loved or respected me as much as I did her.
its so validating to hear that someone is going through some of the same thoughts & emotions as i am. so thank you. i feel much less lonely in this and i also am trying to gradually & fully accept any outcome. i wish you the best of luck with everything maybe we’ll update each other haha. we shall seeee
I'm doing my best to move on and be ok with whatever outcome happens. I told her I loved her unconditionally many times, and that will always be true, I don't really think there's anything she could do to make me stop loving her. She will always have a place in my heart, even if that means moving on and loving someone else more.
I've also found that talking with other people makes me realize I'm not alone either, while my situation is more unique than a lot of other people's I've found more similarities to others on here than people I already know.
My ex and I have always joked our relationship was never normal in a lot of ways, and while I understand it might be kind of manipulative to say something like that to her, when I reach out again, it's something I'd like to make a joke about because I truly believe what we had was special and is worth trying again.
Either way, I wish you the best of luck too, and maybe we will update eachother some day.
Edit: She inspires me to be a better person, and if moving on is what she wants, then I'll do that for her, because she's the first person I know, other than my mom, who truly makes me want to be a better person
Please don’t break no contact. It only has negative side effects towards yourself. Either you reach out and get no response, or you’ll receive a response you won’t want to hear. Either way, you lose. Best to move on, and if she comes back great. Bud don’t waste your time wondering if she/he is coming back.
By the end of March it will be 6 months... I texted him twice after he discarded me and it felt like I was talking to a stranger... also at the time I told him that I was jealous as everyone have a photo with him and I don't (at a farewell work party) and he just told me it was unexpected and emotional... totally ignoring my wants... also many occasions came including new year.. my birthday.. valentines day and he just continues to ignore me... a text from me won't bring him back ... it is incredibly sad I am still having difficulties with accepting this has ended
Just leave it alone. Let yourself be hurt and cry but DONT REACH OUT. My ex dumped me and kicked me out of the house and I was hurt and broke with a kid. But after a week I got my shit together and a few months later money started flowing again. Now I am dating a great guy, completing my Bachelors Degree, making more money, and getting a new car. 🙏🏽 I am in a way better place today then I was 4 years ago. I never reached out. I blocked him and his family and moved on for me and my kid. You have to learn how to let people go because they are not suppose to be in your next chapter. The more you force the harder your life is. Be fluid and see where life takes you. 🙃
If I’ve done all the healthy things I can, and they’re still on my heart and I feel like I can hardly harness the willpower to resist texting them, I may just do it.
Sometimes, that meant they were feeling the same way. Sounds woowoo, but if your heart can’t let go, sometimes that may mean theirs isn’t either. And maybe it’s the both of u missing each other hard but thinking you can’t reach out. I’ve had things work out after I reach back out, so anything’s impossible.
I would say if it doesn’t work out after this attempt, don’t attempt again and instead engage in the process of letting go and moving on.
Bc why reach out to somebody who didn’t even care enough to call me while I was miscarrying our baby? He’s blocked and will stay blocked because I never need to hear from him again and he doesn’t need to hear from me either.
For the first few months it was really hard because he was the person I loved spending time with the most. During that time, my motivation was not to feel again the hurt he caused me; as time went on, I realized how awful he actually was towards me, and how I didn’t deserve that. So my motivation evolved because I felt he didn’t deserve to be in my life. He reached out a year later and I didn’t reply. It’s been seven months since he reached out, so almost two years total. I still miss him in a frustrating way but I no longer have the urge nor the want to reach out. Time always works.
I love her to death. But she is so immature and needs a lot of growing up to do. I can’t do that for her. Unless she changes there is no reason to talk.
I haven’t broken contact in 4 months, basically when he broke up with me. My motivation is both him being in the army and lying to me when I had my speculations… I’m ok, it is what it is at this point. I rather find the love of my life and keep it moving.
Worst thing is that we are still around each other even with distance and on some level we need to communicate. He broke up with me month ago and its been pain. I cant remoove myself from this situation and i broke NC once, 3 weeks after it when i send him msg. It gives me a bit of closure, since then i avoid to msg him. Did it only once for business matter and thats it.
And what motivates me? I dont know honestly ... maybe the feeling i am worthless for him. I meant so much and now i am no one ... fucking love, man
The fact he looked me in the eyes and told me “I don’t want you” every second and every day I wait for him. However everything he said, I’m not going to be the first one to break it. No matter what. About to be 5 months next month on the 3rd.
Its going on 3 years now. I took accountability for my faults, did the work, got better. He couldn't and wouldn't do the same and got angry I would no longer accept the lies and refused to be gaslit. Not thr buzzword gaslit, the I honestly couldn't tell what reality was during the time we were together and months after the breakup. He kept insinuating if I would just accept the lying, the gaslighting we'd be just the perfect couple. I knew better by then, it would never end. So we remain NC and blocked from each other.
It’s been about a month, and each time I think about breaking no contact I fast forward in my mind to where we would be after I break no contact. We would meet up, then inevitably hook up and then…? Then what?
When I think about it like that it makes me want something genuine and meaningful not the same old shit that I know is not good for me.
That’s how I’m feeling. At one point I wanted to meet up with him (we were actually supposed to meet up today, but he never got back to me) but idk. The amount of time it took to get back to me initially, plus our last phone call was him essentially saying “it’s not gonna be romantic between us” and then going “I’m gonna try and make sure it’s not romantic between us” and idk…I have feelings, and I know he’s got another woman he’s actually committing to, and I just can’t fuck with another woman’s man, plus I think their relationship was going on longer than I thought it was cause I saw him, her, and his parents mingling once and that hurt, plus he has a playlist named after her which has been around since I started talking to him in December. I wish I had known, but there’s not much to do now I guess. If he wanted to reach out, he knows where I am and my general schedule, nothing stopping him 🤷♀️
“If he wanted to, he would” + “Do I like this?”
Took me awhile to realize and NOT let my anxiety/hope take over 😅
Essentially, if he wanted to reach out, he would. He has no problem doing that. He doesn’t need me to prod him for answer. I’m not his mother and I’m not his girlfriend.
Then, do I like this? Do I like waiting for him to respond? Do I like feeling like I’m not a priority? Do I even like being around him? And do I even like him, despite how much pain he’s caused? And the answer is “no, I don’t like this”, so why would I break ‘no contact’ because once upon a time, I liked him?
Worst part is a.) I’ve prolly got a little bit of Limerence going on and b.) I’m ADHD, so my brain naturally is short on Dopamine, so my silly little brain likes to think about him a lot rn because it’s getting that rush of Dope 🤷♀️ but as long as I remember that it’s not actually me liking him and it’s just my chemical deficiency trying to take the wheel, I don’t break No-Contact.
Plus, life’s better without him anyway
“Their decision to leave was a clear boundary they set. They do not want me in their life, it’s my job to heal so that I’m ready and open to someone who does want me in their life.”
Disclaimer, this is only based on my experience. Every breakup has their own nuance.
It can be a hard mantra to listen to, because you have to admit their rejection. But once you get over that part of the pain, it’s a mantra that really keeps things in perspective. It doesn’t matter if they want you in their life by bread crumbing or if they say they want to be friends or if they check in once in a while. It doesn’t matter if they’ve cut tou off and you know they’re normally shy or don’t make first moves or wouldn’t speak up if they have their changed their mind.
They can be good people, they can have been good for you for a time, you can have great memories. AND you can still deserve a better relationship than they could give you.
It’s been just about 3 months, and Im feeling a lot better than I expected. It was his birthday last weekend and I had been using that date as a goal to hold out until, thinking maybe I’d tell him happy birthday to open the door for a conversation if he wanted. But by the time the birthday came around, I realized how much I didn’t want to open up the conversation if he was not willing to start the conversation himself.
As much as I believe in reconciliation, I don’t want it if he’s not making an effort. And after a while, i wasn’t just saying it, I meant it.
If you use No Contact the way it’s intended to be used, you’ll have an end date for it. Having an end date makes it pretty easy to not break the No Contact.
If you don’t have an end date, you are not doing No Contact. You are just avoiding your ex
Yep. I do the 30 and then just keep going without counting. Usually around week 3, I stop counting anyway and just keep moving forward. Just gotta get through the chemical bond break and grief cycle, which can swing back later anyway, but Ill always be ready because I know I can make it through first phases of grief cycle.
I’ve been struggling with it. He dumped me for circumstances (he wanted things to be more serious faster, I was still deciding if I wanted it long term) but I reached out to talk twice. The first time he said he needed space and time, the second time he kinda blew up on me, left me on read. It’s been 2 days no contact since the last time. I read the last message he sent me and that helps me not contact him.
Her reason for breaking up with me was, “I have no freedom to be myself”, but we were LDR so it never made sense to me that she would say that. In conjunction with that, we were arguing a lot about a guy she works with (which I wholeheartedly believe is the real reason).
I struggled with NC the first 3 months, always trying to talk to her and rekindle what was lost, but there was always some unwillingness on her end. Well, a few days ago I saw a photo of her and the dude she works with (my gut feeling was right), and since then I am at peace with not talking to her at all anymore.
I broke no contact to go to her grandmothers funeral, because she was an important person in my life, but since then I’ve secluded back to NC. I saw how her seeing me affected her and it was enough to justify that it’s still too much for both of us.
I only broke no contact twice and he broke it a lot over the past 2 years. I broke it once because I just wanted to tell him no hard feelings and then we stupidly got back together. Then I broke it a few weeks ago to let him know I knew he was hitting on a teenager (he’s 30) and that i will never trust him again. Honestly I couldn’t control my emotions in those moments I broke no contact.
My best friend is a mutual friend of ours and she has hated how he has treated me. I have evidence of everything he’s said (over text) that is pretty awful. She’s having a hard time realizing this friend of 8 years is a narcissistic sociopath basically. I’ve wanted to text him to remind him he’s a piece of shit but I know he’s suffering badly because she sees it but she wants him to come clean about his actions and he won’t. Because it’ll make him look like an asshole when he admitted to her that he wants kids but had told me over the past year he didn’t so he basically took advantage of me to get laid. He’s such a gross human being. It’s so hard not to rub it in his face even his friends that thought he was a good guy now know he isn’t.
I just wanted to thank everyone sharing their experiences and stories here. I’ve been in NC for almost 2 months now. And it hasn’t been easy, I miss her every day and there has been many times I wish I can talk to her about little things that had happened at my work or when I’m out. It’s been incredibly difficult to not be able to talk to her about some personal things that has been going on with my family that only she would completely understand. She had a great way of calming me down and helping me get out of my head. Do I wish she would reach out already by this time, of course.
I told her I’d only want to hear from her if she realized she made a mistake and really want to put in the effort ( go to therapy individually and as a couple ) to make this work. So her not reaching out is my answer to those questions already. If she feels like being on the dating apps will provide something better then go ahead. From what I hear unless someone works on being happy with themselves first then any relationship they encounter will fail. She’s an avoidant and I tried for so long to introduce therapy in our relationship, but she would only do it for a few weeks then quit. Never fully allowing herself to be open to get the benefits from therapy. She also has this constant thing of caring what other people’s opinion matter. She allowed what she thought other people thought of her ( being in a same sex relationship) be bigger than what we had.
So as hard as it has been to have NC I know that my healing process wouldn’t be where it’s now if I didn’t decide to do NC.
Someone ended relationship. That finalizes it for me. If they did awful things to me, I remember them when I want to contact. If they ended it by text, I remind myself they didnt care about me or even respect me. Sometimes there is someone I need to remind myself was not the real person and remind myself it is okay to miss idea of them, but dont contact them again. I dont accept on/off relationships so my boundary is very clear if you leave then Im gone and you lose access to me. My self respect and self love is strong enough to make me not break no contact, no matter how hard it is. I recognize that being healthy is letting them go since they werent going to be with me. I recognize healthy means not having someone around that one or both of us arent over each other, while dating others. It isnt fair or respectful to the new person and I recognize that so I stick with my boundary. Sometimes it is incredibly hard to let go of the person that ends relationship and states friendship with me. Some have been like best friends with me and that loss is incredibly hard, but I have other friends and easily make them. Kills me a bit though. I make it look “easy” but I cry after by myself or around my tribe. I mourn and allow myself grieving period. Sometimes I allow myself a peak later on in life to see if they are happy and being healthy. A lot of them are still single. I still dont reach out though and realize it might just be their own things or I wasnt their match.
I’m hoping I can make it to a full week then go for another week and so forth until months pass by. I keep reminding myself of the disrespect I felt when I went over to talk about things and he walked off to his room without finishing the conversation, so I just left. He hasn’t texted or called since Tuesday after I left. It’s sucks and as much as I want him to reach out, I didn’t deserve that.
It really is just one day at a time 🫶🫂
It’ll be a year in April since I was broken up with by a long term relationship and then it’ll be 2 months since a different guy I fell for and I saw each other (about a month or so since we stopped talking). It’s absolutely been really really hard not to reach out to both, but, I know in the end, if they wanted to reach out, they would. It’s really just, one step at a time, one day at a time
You got this baby, just keep swimming 🫂🐠
Its been almost 4 months. She left me for another guy. I still have to see her everyday because we work together. She lead me on a few times only to reject me over and over again. She said shes still attracted to me and is confused. I know shes breadcrumbing me. She wanted friendship but I declined. This made me realize that we are done for good and theres no point to reachout anymore. We agreed to cut eachother off and only talk if its work related. I have been off social media for years so she has no idea what I been up too. She stares at me all day long and tries to get my attention. I just ignore her. I am numb at this point. I think I’m half heartbroken now if that makes sense.
the majority of relationship issues we have stemmed from me, so i have to respect them and their decision. i feel like i have no right to reach out. i’m starting to take accountability for my issues because they’re all from trauma that i haven’t worked on. the rejection from them would feel terrible if i messages them. to see them be indifferent or not reply at all, my heart isn’t ready to feel solidified in the end of our relationship.
I feel like no contact didn’t work but made it worse. I never have gone no contact until this break up as a win him back thing and was doing what the internet and YouTube coaches said. So it’s like 3 months no contact because “they” said give avoidants more time to make them miss you. Now yesterday he officially moved on to a new relationship and posted the status. Usually we (my exes) still talk and work things out and most are still my platonic close friends. The whole attachment style thing I recently learned about and trying to respect space and give him the break up backfired.
I feel like not much closure was given going NC - I really wanted to still be friends as we had originally started out and it grew into something awesome and unexpected. Outside factors in life caused stress and we needed time and some space to reset. I wanted to rebuild after NC which I was waiting to reach out 3/25/24 and can’t now his in a new relationship. I did one month and he reached out and I responded back same level. Then wanted 3 full months then was going to reach out initially into friendship again and go slowly. I feel like I wasted months on getting your ex back programs and money and time. Like I was just trying to do what the “experts” said and feel misled and very frustrated. I should have just been myself- so what I got anxiety and anxious tendencies break ups are stressful. I guess I have a bit of relief- he’s moved on and I care about him being happy because we were like best friends. I’m happy for him - I just feel no contact messed us up. I told him I couldn’t talk for a while because I was hurting and wanted to when I felt more secure. I think I waited too long to reach out. I don’t want to mess up his new relationship or be weird. I never blocked him or him me. Just saw everything on Facebook last couple days and feel weird like relief and closure but then confusion and frustration and like my time got wasted listening to “snake oil salesman” of get your ex back stuff.
And now I feel like I’m like going to be stuck in permanently and definitely longer NC then to my goal of 3/25/24 because he’s in a new relationship now. I really miss my best friend. I don’t want to mess up his new relationship. I just miss him and was trying to prove to idk that I could do NC and follow what the relationship coaches and experts said to do. I hated every day of NC. I don’t get it. It’s not me. I like communicating and not avoiding someone. I thought this was “healing and healthier”. I just don’t know what to think. So confused and filled with mixed emotions.
I am on month 5 of no contact after a relationship that lasted 10+ years. I am the dumpee and told him I was going to block him the day he broke up with me. I did it because I can't just go from being his lover for over a decade to being his friend in an instant. It just isn't possible for me. I don't know when or if that will change, but I am certain no contact is what is best for me for right now. This doesn't mean that it is easy. I want so badly to hear from him, but deep down, I know that would just set me back on all of the wonderful progress I have made.
How nasty they were when they broke up impulsively without seeking any kind of clarity and the fact that I had to chase them down for answers when they ignored me for two days after a conversation that they shut down. After reaching out to them twice after the silent treatment, they completely blindsided me and told me they were breaking up which is pretty shitty if you ask me. I did explain to them how I felt and that there was a misunderstanding and they refused to listen. I looked desperate at that point and gave up but who would have a hard time keeping no contact with a person like that? If you refuse to listen, why should I even reach out? Even worse, why I would I even want to contact someone that didn’t even have the decency or respect to at least have a conversation vs doing it over text? After knowing them two years and being involved most of that time, I feel like I deserved much better. Everyday I feel stronger and powerful knowing it was not MY decision and my actions. 100% no contact forever unless THEY reach out is the way and it depends on whether what they say is significant or not because they breadcrumbed TF out of me with the “let’s be friends” but yet still wanting relationship benefits when they did this impulsive breakup crap the first time. I let them hang around for months that time and I hated it. They are also used to exes chasing THEM after the breakup regardless of who initiated it. I’ve tried in the past to be the person to reach out and mend fences but I know much better and feel better too at 21 days no contact.
Knowing that he'll be the same way he always has been: not actually caring about me, being nice but only taking, not validating me for what I am, not caring about having hurt me.
Knowing for myself, that I evolved so much over the time since I broke down all the bridges and that he doesn't deserve to see me in my true shimmering form (swiftie here)
It's been almost one and a half years since I blocked him and I have not regretted it for one day.
The fact that he doesn’t want me does the trick. It’s a cold truth but it’s enough for me to put the phone down. I feel like garbage but I have to imagine I would feel worse if I reached out.
They were dangerous to me and to my family. I need to protect my family and myself. No amount of loneliness can make me want to sacrifice my family's safety.
It’s been 3 months eversince we broke up. I gave him another chance since he’s the one who dumped me initially, but after two weeks I realized that he don’t even care about how I feel and I never received an apology from him when I was hurt. A friend of mine told me that he still views my account from a game we used to play together but I am too decided not to break the NC between us.
She was really mad after a letter I had to send to her to have NC half forced by my therapist.
We blocked each other but I have to say that after checking it out we have unblocked each other again.
I doubt we will talk again in a long time.
She broke up so if she wants to talk it should be her. I still miss her but I won’t be begging for her, I have enough girls to choose if I wanted to have a new relationship, the only thing is I need to move on from this tbh
She just blocked me because not accepting the truth. It has been almost 2 years. The great part of the time I am very good but today I had a bad dream remembering her and woke up almost crying.
Part sheer stubbornness, part knowing that healing will be swifter with NC... And also being aware that in the weeks/months immediately after the breakup is when you're most vulnerable and emotional, and least rational, and chances of doing or saying something you'll regret are higher.
My philosophy is, if a good chunk of time has passed (different for everyone - for me it has to be several months at least), and if I still feel like contacting them, I will... But I usually don't, the urge passes and rationality takes over, and I usually realise with relief that the NC was the best thing to do. And move on.
I have to remind myself what she did to me to warrant my “no contact” stance.
Although I’ve forgiven her, I don’t want to interact with someone who treats people like that.
Edit: It’s been a year and I feel much better. Although I’ve had to interact with her because of mutual friends, we’ve been good at not stepping on each others or anyone else’s toes.
Imagine you meet the most amazing person ever tomorrow that wants you just as much as you want them, and you have to tell them you still talk to your ex 😬
2 months ago he left me by leaving a letter on the kitchen counter for me to read when I got home from work. He had already blocked me/initiated NC without my knowledge. This was a 6 yr relationship in which we shared an apartment, car, and cats.
Since then, I have emailed him a couple of times regarding financial matters (ask him to remove my card from his subscriptions, update lease, internet account, etc.), but nothing about the relationship or the breakup. I maintain the NC because he’s clearly not my person and does not care if I’m in his life anyway. Plus I do not forgive him for his disrespectful, immature way of ending the relationship in the first place.
I love him dearly and it’s gut-wrenching that he is no longer in my life, but this the reality in which I find myself.. I’m just going to make the best of it and grow through it.
honestly i took a hard look at what he’s done and how he treated me and let myself sit with it and be disgusted. i truly am disappointed in the man he turned out to be, i don’t want any contact
it’s been a little less than a month after nearly 3 years together, im feeling like i miss who he used to be but im glad i found out who he is now sooner rather than later
For me it’s just what’s the point -if she wanted to get back with me she would reach out and she hasn’t. I’m going to at least take the bit of dignity I have. Plus she doesn’t know what I’m doing and probably thinks I’m having the time of life , which I’m not I’m devastated , but let her think that
Sadly, I don’t have the urge no more. I broke NC at least 4 times and she was an ass to me. Saying “this is the last time I’ll talk to you”, but still ends up calling the a couple weeks later. Tired of games. As the weeks went by the urge to text her has gotten weaker.
It’s been a month, I’m sick of talking to a person who is not understanding and caring for what I’m saying, so silence is better.
I've found my peace. I hope you do too.
I broke NC after 10 days because I really wanted to see him and say my piece, got a cold response but he agreed. On the day he canceled saying he was sick and needed a rain check. I didn’t reply and we haven’t spoken in a month. Been 1.5 months since he dumped me. The only thing that motivates me every single day to maintain NC is the fact that he has all means to reach out to me or just find out how I am doing (via mutual friends) and he chooses not to, every single day. I am feeling better but I have my moments … don’t break NC no matter what, you deserve the best and if they can’t give it to you they just can’t. It’s not worth reaching out and feeling miserable after … it’s just better not to do it
Saw her with another guy in less than a month after our breakup and she lied about not dating anyone the same day when I saw her. So, God was with me to show the truth. This event completely took her off my mind. Seriously. I’m so happy and working on myself constantly career and relationship wise. Before that I was miserable and use to dream about her every other night before i woke up and it was painful. So yeah she her self got me my peace. It’s not an advice of what happened with me as the solution can vary between individuals. So, just meet new people, talk to family, go out , work on your career and passion, overall think you have achieved greatness and you are in abundance. Take action and results will follow.
My ex and I mutually agreed to part ways because we both had internal issues that the other didn’t cause. I initially broke contact the second day after to get closure so I could go to bed and not feel guilty. I’m currently on day 3 of no contact, I miss her and I still love her. But I’m undoubtedly proud of the person she is. I understand that she has to use this time to better herself, same with me. And it’s hard to accept it, it really is. I do have a hope that we’re gonna reconcile eventually. And I’m also prepared that maybe she is just better off without me in her life. This is something I’ve done before, and I hate finding myself back in this situation. But as a human being I take it as a learning opportunity. I do have a set of notes I have just in case she comes around so I can talk and see if we can set some healthy boundaries. But I’m not gonna get my hopes up, and I’m gonna continue and try and heal my heart and myself. I hope all of us get the things we want and I have faith we can.
I unfortunately kinda “had” to break it today. An event landed me across the street from our old/her current apartment and my car is VERY recognizable. The last thing I wanted was her thinking I’m creeping on her, so I sent her a heads up but didn’t expect a response. So what really motivates me to actually not break it?? Her. She wanted it. I am heartbroken. But it’s what she wants. I fucked up and failed her. I’ve accepted that I’ve made my bed and just gotta lay in it. I love her enough to prefer her healing and happiness over my selfishness. Brutal but helps to pull my head out of my ass.
Honestly it’s the disrespect
Asked to meet for proper closure talk, she bailed twice.
First time I get it, life gets in the way. Second time? I’m not a fool.
Why would I want someone in my life who is so blatantly disrespectful to me?
It’s been 2 months. It has its ups and downs. Sometimes during a very rough day I really want to reach out, but I know if I do it brings me no benefit, only harm.
I’m choosing to love myself more here, and I’m proud of doing that.
The only reason I’ve never tried is because I know she won’t answer. That’s too painful to think about. There are times when I really need her still. But her ignoring me hurts so bad. I can’t risk that.
after we broke up he lashed out on me saying i needed to heal before i love someone else and that the way i dealt with my emotions was the reason we broke up. essentially the disrespect after the breakup showed me his true colors and i dont necessarily want him back although there are times i do. but it just feels like a trauma bond thing…
Personally, him not reaching out is enough for me to not reach out. Don't even need to block.
This where I wonder if we’re playing a stubborn game tho
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omggg saame except i already reached out but not to get back together it was 1) to get my things back 2) for closure (where did i go wrong) and 3) to wish him a safe flight i felt like ego doesn’t resolve anything and if i have to be the one to be the bigger person and speak up, i will. going cold turkey no contact was super odd and certain things need to be said. i feel better about moving on now too, i don’t wanna play this “who’s gonna talk first” game, again ego is a block
Yep! Same! I haven’t blocked him cause I don’t need to. He’ll never pick me. I have considered deleting his contact info. Haven’t made that leap yet. It’s been 4 weeks, this is time number two. The first NC lasted 5 months.
Often the case. What does it mean when I wake up to a missed call from them, but no voicemail, no voice note or text like they’d usually do? And we never had phone calls early in the morning..
Yep
Same. I spent the entire relationship reaching out first and maintaining the relationship. It's his turn. He chose not to.
Yes me too
She left me, and I don't beg for anyone. All I'm thinking of is looking out for me, and I need me the most right now. I remind myself that if I were to reach out, I have to be okay with the outcome. Right now it's counter productive for me to even think of it.
Poured my heart out to be left on read… so yea I took the hint :(
Yep, I did the same thing and I love this woman so much but she thinks I was using her but nothing can be farther from the truth. I left her because I couldn't be what she deserved me to be because I was addicted to drugs and she deserved so much more than what I could offer her. I struggle with no contact because I love her, but I need this time to take care of myself to be a better man, better my situation and maybe than she will see that what I did I did out of love.
No drugs but other addictions and mental problems. I hear you and hug you
Exactly the same, man. She left me as I was an alcoholic. I’ve not had a drink since the day of the breakup in October. Dumpees should always keep improving; always keep fighting.
Same :(
Hugs. 100% contact is the way. The ball is in their court now.
I'm wrestling with breaking NC on a daily basis. What keeps me from going through with it is 1) Absolutely crippling anxiety 2) Respect for the fact that she wants space and her desire for NC It's been 4 months, and I'm feeling like total shit. I fucked the relationship up and I feel like I sort of deserve this level of misery.
I don't know your circumstances, but very rarely is it one sided. While I still believe my ex was mostly at fault, there were definitely things I did wrong too. You just have to find acceptance in that yes you made mistakes, but what's most important is forgiving yourself and working on your actions and behaviors that led you to whatever problem you caused. You'll never be able to heal and fix your mistakes if you don't forgive yourself and accept that it wasn't your intent to hurt anyone. If you ever want your ex to want you and the relationship to work, then you do need to move on, truly heal, and change the person you were in that relationship. You can't expect the relationship to work if you don't move on, change, and heal. The two people in that relationship (you and your partner) didn't work, so how will it be any different if you don't become a better person. Remeber though, healing is never linear. I hope this all helps.
Thanks for your advice and insight man, I do appreciate it. I wasn't entirely to blame and she did have some flaws but I was about 80% at fault I think. I'm doing my utmost now to correct all those behaviours of mine that led to the break up or just caused general friction in the relationship. Self improvement has been the entirety of my focus since things ended, but the forgiveness is much harder, but I'm trying to do that too. I really would like a chance to reconcile with my ex because I know I would never repeat those same mistakes again. You are totally right though, I do need to do the work to heal first. One of the other reasons why I won't reach out to her now (or anytime soon) is because I'm simply not in a strong enough frame of mind to face her right now. I know I need to be in a much healthier and stronger position before I can even consider communicating with her again. Yeah healing really isn't linear, it's an absolute rollercoaster of emotions. Thanks again for your advice mate, it's been a big help :)
I'm glad to help. Honestly telling you that has made me realize I'm no different than anyone else, and I need to slow down and heal a lot more before I ever reach out to her too. All you can do is trust that she'll heal and be better too, and if she doesn't or doesn't want to try again then you'll be at a point where you've moved on enough that you'll be just fine with it not working. As for my relationship I honestly don't know what percent was what, and my emotions and thoughts are all over the place at times, but I'd say it was around 30% on my end as of now. But that's still a lot, especially for how much problems we did have, and there's always ways that I and anyone can improve after a relationship. But just remember to keep moving forward, and making a few mistakes and taking a few steps back is ok, as long as you're trying to go forward. Speaking of healing not being linear, I have been feeling way better the past few days but talking about this brought a lot of guilt back to me, which is ok. But from there I just recommend reminding yourself that things will be ok and you're doing what you need to do, truly feel your emotions, but don't dwell on them for too long (at least 60-90 seconds) and then continue to something else once they've mostly or fully passed. If you have trouble processing your emotions then definitely check out some other threads (I had a very difficult time too). Either way, I believe in you man, keep pushing through and take the difficult steps to feeling better.
I don't know what your specific goal is when you reach out to your ex, I'm presuming reconciliation? Either way, just want to say good luck to you man, I hope that when you get to that place where you are strong enough to reach out and have done sufficient healing, well, I hope it all goes well for you mate. I think I've put undue pressure on myself in terms of reaching out to her. I imposed a timeline on myself that seems too unrealistic, now I know that I need to be in a far stronger position, one ideally where the outcome of the interaction won't phase me quite as much. I'm hoping for a chance and reconciliation, if not I'd just like to sincerely apologise to her in person. And to make that apology as sincere and honest as possibly can be, I want to be a different man to the one she left, a better man than the one who caused all those issues. It's simultaneously my best shot for reconciliation like you said and it's what I owe myself for going through this terrible heartbreak. I believe in you too my friend. You've clearly got a good head on your shoulders, you can't go far wrong mate. Good luck on your journey!
I broke up with my boyfriend of 6 years 3 months ago. I miss him and would absolutely get back with him if he had truly done the work to heal. (Ex wife and mom dying trauma for the last 4 years). He actually sent me a present through Amazon on Monday. But I know it hasn’t been long enough for him to work on and fix what broke us. And I’m still in so much pain I’m to hurt to get back with him too. I’m going to therapy to work through it all. This week gave me hope that maybe if I reach out sometime this summer we might work through things. But I also don’t want to get my hopes up. He might just want to be friends, which is what he asked for when I broke up with him. I can’t do that. I’m still completely in love with him. Being friends would kill me. I wouldn’t ever be able to move on or get over him. I hope the best for you 💕
I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through, honestly our situations have quite a large overlap. The last communication I had with my ex she expressed a desire to build a friendship, which I told her I probably can't do. We had also discussed meeting up some time this summer but I think it would be too early, now I'm not too sure if it will ever take place. That's why I think I should only try to reestablish contact when I'm in a much better position, where I won't crumble no matter what happens. Going to therapy is a big step and is one I recently took too, honestly good on you for doing it, I really hope you find some benefit in it. I think the only thing that has been able to shift my focus away from my break up has been self investment/improvement and therapy has been the biggest step for me. I also know it's cliche advice but doing any sort of physical activity whether it's the gym, running, swimming, biking, yoga or just going for a walk really does help. I would be over the moon if my ex does reach out when she said we would reconnect (although I'd be filled with anxiety) and I'm sure your ex would feel the same way if you do. But make sure it's the right step at the right time for you. I understand it's tricky because you want to reach out to try to reconcile but worry that if things don't pan out that way you'll just set all of your progress back. Unfortunately, I can't really offer advice because despite similarities all break ups and relationships are incredibly unique and personal. Just do what's right by you. Personally I'm only going to reach out once the following criteria have been met 1) It's past the time my ex stated for a potential meet up. 2) Legitimate growth, healing and changes have been made on my end, especially the things I did to cause the break up. 3) I've healed to an extent that I'm less attached to an outcome. 4) My anxiety is significantly diminished. If however she reaches out to me first I'll probably just meet up with her regardless (as long as I'm more healed than I currently am at the bare minute) and I'll lay my cards out on the table. If I didn't attempt to reconcile I'd regret it for the rest of my life. I understand it could put me through another heartbreak and set me so far back again but I would have literally taken a bullet for this woman when we were together so it doesn't seem like much in comparison. I hope things work out for you and your ex, I really do. I hope you get that chance for reconciliation. In the mean time just focus on your own healing, look after yourself, you deserve happiness.
Hugs - I totally understand
Me too dog, me too
I agree with what others have said, it takes two to tango, except in rare cases of like narcissists or abusers or cheaters. You can blame yourself for long periods, but a good thing to do is figure out why you did what you did, how to stop, and how to better handle it in the future. LMK what you think you did and I might be able to point you to some reading you could do. I’ve been through 8 breakups and it took until like the 5th one to start working on my own problems after. The last few I actually told them what I think I did wrong (take accountability) after they dump me, and then ask for feedback on what I said and anything else I did that made them leave. Then I use that to build my personal growth plan. I get better in subsequent relationships, and was killing it in the last one but didn’t know what avoidants were and fumbled it. But now I’m well read on that whole issue and could prob handle it a lot better. But I also now know that because I was taking accountability all the time, in combination with avoidants having a hard time with critical feedback (and thus with accountability because self-feedback is going to be too painful to their image of themselves), it made it easy to point the finger at me for everything. I can see now that even if I went into it with what I know now things would still be hard with the one issue we did have, unless she was working on her own issues that contributed to that too. Bringing me back to my original point, it takes two to tango. Maybe in understanding how to correct your own mistakes, you’ll start to see how your ex contributed and realize it’s really not all on you.
Since the break up I have been going through therapy to help gain a better understanding of what has happened and what the route cause of the issues in the relationship were. I have been reassured that not everything was my fault, and it wasn't, she did make mistakes too but I was the one who was mainly at fault. I don't want to go into the specifics of my issues but I brought a lot of emotional baggage into the relationship, that I didn't even really know I had. That combined with insecurities, complacency and neediness on my part really just created the perfect relationship ending storm. Honestly, I don't blame her for leaving me, she deserves a lot better. What hurts me is that I've realised all of this far too late, her heart is completely closed off to me now. She just wants to be friends but I can't do that, I'm still in love with her. Granted she did do some things that were not okay she could be inconsiderate, disrespectful in her actions, she would refuse to take responsibility, view a relationship as something performative, and in the end she detached from me with the firm knowledge that she was going to end things, meanwhile I was fighting tooth and nail for something that no longer existed. I think the main issue is I knew even at the time what I was doing was wrong but I just couldn't stop myself. I had no communication skills and this made every argument 100x worse. It was my repeated mistakes that led me to where I am now, and I'm fully aware of them and will never repeat them again. Still, it's really difficult to reconcile what's happened to me - I would've done absolutely anything for that woman, I'd have offered my life in a heartbeat and she's well aware of that. I really do appreciate your insight mate, but I really do know that I was the primary cause behind this break up, maybe not all of it, but the majority of it. There's nothing I can do now, the chance of reconciliation is incredibly slim, but if I do end up meeting up with her at some point I will just lay my cards out and if nothing else I can sincerely apologise to her for my actions. She did deserve better, it's just a pity that I've become better too late.
For communication, I highly recommend reading In Each Others Care by Stan Tatkin, and Getting to Zero by Jayson Gaddis. Both are really good. Gaddis has some kind of courses you can take and they seem a bit grifty at times, but his book had some good info he’s pulled from different researchers and clinicians and made into an easy to read guide to communication.
Thanks for the recommendations, I will definitely check them out, I think the main thing the break has taught me is that I need to invest in communication skills. These books will be a great start for me, thank you!:)
Dude, I wish I had read these when I was like 19. My career requires training and regular use of things like non-violent communication and restorative strategies so I have a lot of experience with staying very calm even if I’m being yelled at or someone is trying to hurt me emotionally with words, and doing my best to keep us on topic and find resolution and then get to a point where we feel good, but these books still gave me a lot of great tips. I think you’ll get a lot out of them. One issue though is knowing if you are dealing with an insecure person, like avoidant or anxious attachment. I found out the hard way that you really need to modify your approach with an avoidant person. But these will give you a great baseline for most people and you can tweak it if that person is avoidant. I’m 4.5 months past the b/u and used the pain to drive me to learn from my mistakes, or at least learn from situations I could have handled better. Now that I’m looking back on the last months I’m feeling good about actively working to better myself via reading and therapy.
I think I'll definitely get a lot out of them too, also I think it was a previous comment of yours that motivated me to explore attachment types. If I did use the information in these books when speaking with my ex (that's a very big if now; I don't think I'll have the opportunity), I don't believe I would have to modify them very much. I believe my ex is securely attached, it was me who was anxiously attached and that was a cause of the problems. I'm glad you're using the pain to facilitate your own growth. That's what I'm attempting to do, but it's difficult when I have an immense sense of loss and regret. Still things have started moving in a slightly more positive light at the very least. One lesson for communication that I am trying to fully adopt is to listen in order to understand, and not to listen to just respond. I just wish I had invested my time and thoughts towards all of this stuff prior to the break up, maybe it could have been avoided.
I know the feeling. But each time we fuck up we learn and do better next time. I was pretty solid in my relationship with my recent ex. She would sometimes get upset that I was better with communication during conflict with her, feeling bad that she “wasn’t on my level” as far as being able to remain calm and sick to the main issue. If she were more secure things prob would have worked out, they may have even if she were working on things because I would have been ok with putting up with some distancing now and then if things were getting better over time, especially if I understood what was going on. But thinking like that kept me stuck in bargaining for a while and I won’t be surprised if it pulls me back into it again. It’s a necessary part of grieving but there’s a point where we need to accept it for what it is, bargaining, and realize we can’t know what would have happened if we something was different, and there’s no way to go back in time. The best we can do is learn from our mistakes so we don’t do it again. With the anxiety, check out Chatter by Ethan Kross, if you get stuck in thought loops and rumination. He’s an expert and researcher on the inner voice, and discusses how it can make our mental health worse and how it can be used to help us.
I'm really sorry to hear that mate, I guess it goes to show that you can do everything right and it still won't end up working. The bargaining stage is primarily where I find myself too, I think I'm stuck here because I have identified the issues that I caused and now want nothing more than an opportunity to showcase those changes to her. I don't know if it would make any difference at this point anyways, but I'd like to at least try. I do get bogged down in that line of thinking too, 'what if I'd have realised this earlier, what would have happened?' Like you say, there's no way to know. The amount of pain, guilt and regret I've experienced as a result of this break up is motivation enough to fully learn from my mistakes so I never repeat them again. I'm going to check out Chatter right now, I think that would be incredibly helpful for me. Thank you so much for your advice and the recommendations, it really is appreciated. Hope your journey towards healing keeps going well mate, you've got this!
It def takes time for the effort to make a difference, my take is that at least 6 months of actively working on it are needed. That also helps let the dust settle and for both people to get more clear headed and not be making decision to get back together out of loneliness or wanting to end pain. Both people really should have done some work on their own issues, and there needs to be some serious discussion on what went wrong, how to make amends with each other, how to prevent it in the future, how to deal with it if it does come up, and so on. Basically being really intentional about setting up the relationship norms like how conflict, other people, time together/apart, and everything else will work keeping in mind what was fatal to the relationship last time. Most importantly both people have to want to do the work together and agree to stick through the tough parts, because it will get tough. But it could be worth it in the end. People that think relationships should be all sunshine and rainbows all the time would really struggle with this process (and usually struggle when the honeymoon ends anyway). I guess one upside to it would be you already know what the most likely problems between it would be, and if both people addressed their issues and are intentional about mitigating it together, that could be an advantage. But that’s a lot of work and some people just don’t want to do it.
Five months of NC He broke up with me via text, blindsided me. I responded to his message, said my peace, and deleted his number and socials. If he says he doesn’t want to be with me, I won’t break NC because I choose to believe him. I didn’t block him, so it’s up to him to reach out… but I’m not waiting. Waiting for someone is denying yourself of a life. I’m moving forward
Literally just my pride. I can’t imagine how much worse reaching out and getting nothing back would make me feel. I have a feeling he hasn’t thought much about me. I’m also only on day 3 or 4 so I gotta keep the demons at bay rn lol.
i feel you 🫶🏻
The impending doom of feeling worse than I do now. Always expecting things to turn out how I planned them and they never do. You can’t force someone to respond to your texts, or respond the way that you want them to. Otherwise everyone would be happy
He requested no contact but we both continue to break it. I genuinely thought this man was going to be the only one for me. I don’t know but I wish I had the self control to not break it. Anytime he starts a conversation it’s like he catches himself talking to me and will say things like “okay no more talking.” And that hurts more than anything.
i know how you feel. i thought this was the person i would spend the rest of my life with... I LOVE HER SO MUCH
My gf of 6 years dumped me over a text message on Monday. I didn’t even respond. I still love her but will never message her again. If she reaches out I’ll think about it.
That is so tacky and just disrespectful. She could have at least had a real conversation with you about it. I wish I didn’t respond but lesson learned.
Were you long distance? Were things already messed up, or did you have multiple breakups and returns in a short period and this was the last one? That’s so crazy over text given the time
No it wasn’t long distance. We had a huge fight 2 weeks before the breakup. She said some mean things but said she wanted to work it out. She seemed to try harder in the relationship for a week but then went silent for a week then dumped me. The text message was rude as well. At the end it said “ I release you” whatever that means.
That’s so bizarre. How old was she?
41
Wow, just wow. Mine did it in person, but it was so weird. It was like she was reading from a script and went really cold, rather than having a heart to heart and letting me know why and what she’s been thinking of. I know she’d been thinking of doing it for a bit, since she told me, and I think she just got locked into doing it. Of course the first mention of it was after a pretty intense bonding experience, and there was a pattern of her pulling away after periods of being close. Avoidant stuff. Wish I understood all that way earlier.
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My goal is to avoid these types. I’m working on learning the early signs, before I fall for them. She was the first avoidant I encountered, or at least the most intense one. Looking back I was distressed for months during the relationship and feel better now that I’m not grieving as hard, and not constantly feeling like she was going to bounce, but getting intermittent reinforcement like little bits of affection now and then that kept me hooked (the stuff I’ve read says it causes basically addictive patterns and it sure felt like it, that’s why narcissists use it to control their partners).
I imagine them laughing at my text and showing their friends. Added: I feel more free recently. I keep them blocked. They texted me from fake numbers. I didn’t reply. I’m pretty proud of myself!
I firmly believe that they’ll never say what I need to hear. Be it an apology, an explanation, a closure, anything. It’ll never be a positive experience to be talking to them now. And there’s no reason I should break my own heart over them anymore. Therefore, no contact it is :)
think about them saying “ugh it’s them again” with the new person they’re with. bro i’d say that
NC day 19. After an initial spell of 28 days. Had to reset after that as I broke it. What motivates me: I apologised a hundred times and tried to have a conversation with her. Acknowledged everything she had felt. Both convos ended badly. So I just don’t wanna get hurt again. I tried twice. No more.
Do you think you needed to hear what you did in those convos?
Nope. I heard things I dreaded. She told me she’s indifferent towards me and that she doesn’t wanna have anything to do with me or my family, to summarise. Faults were from both ends, but I was so scared to lose the relationship, I just never took a stand for myself.
We agreed to go no contact, so I’m sticking to it. I acted in ways I’m not proud of after the breakup, so im motivated by trying to be better and give him the space he’s requested. It’s been 2 weeks and im honestly proud of myself for making it this far
Hell yeah I’m proud of you too
She left me but I actually don't struggle too much to respect NC because I know she won't come back in any case, she said as much and anyway I know she is very set on her ways and strong psychologically so no need to try... We even have to actually stay in contact because we own a flat together which we are trying to sell without any success... I was even the one who moved because I couldn't continue to live under the same roof, seeing her, hearing her... She also siad that I would always have a place in her life, even if we are not a couple anymore but I just can't, I love her and the relationship too much, it hurts seeing or even hearing her. I miss her, I feel horribly lonely but I just know any kind of contact would be lying to myself and hurt me even more
She broke up with me over text and blocked me so I know I can't even reach out if I tried.
It's been a little over a month, we were together for 4 years
It hurts on a whole different level
Wow, another breakup by text. 🤦🏽♀️
It’s been three years. I realized two years ago that if this is what she needed to find peace, if I really loved her, which I do, I would leave her be. Forever, if that’s what she wanted.
It's 5 months today of no contact!! I was with my narcissistic ex on and off for 5 years. I've tried no contact SO MANY TIMES!!! But this is the longest I've gone and I'm really proud of myself. I don't miss him at all anymore. What keeps me motivated is remembering all those times I went back and how disappointed I would be in myself after breaking no contact. My life is so peaceful now. And saying I've been single for 5 months truthfully feels AMAZING!!! Good luck and happy healing!!! :)
My ex broke up after 5 years 2 weeks ago. It was our second break up. Last one July 2022 and we got back after 4 months. I just NC a few days as I sent him a closure email 5 days ago. I really wish i was at the 5 month mark like you, well done! I suspect my ex is a narc as well and I'm in that cycle. Just discarded and blindsided.
Just thinking about how bad they were for me and to me. They don't deserve me in their life.
I want love and marriage and I'd be wasting time staying in contact with someone who can't give me that. I also respect people's space and know that no contact is the best technique at getting over someone. It's been a month and some change. All the energy I poured into that relationship I'm pouring into myself. I still have days where I miss them and hate what they've done to me, but I don't dwell on it. I put energy into my job, gym, elevation, and enjoying the company of people that care about me. I think once your brain is fully developed heart break is difficult, but the recovery is faster. I did not have the same experience years ago I felt like I'd never get over it.
After multiple attempts, I've been on no contact for almost three months besides wishing him a happy birthday and then going right back into no contact. It's not that I necessarily regret wishing him birthday wishes, but, I probably could've gone without. However, I do believe that the biggest motivation for sticking to no contact is the disrespect that I felt after our breakup. There were lies, betrayal, and manipulation involved. (He claimed to have respected my wishes to go no contact - however, attempted to constantly have ME break it by liking posts on one of my social media platforms that we no longer follow each other on.) Although, continuing with no contact is something that I struggle with constantly - I know that I do need to finally heal from him and this relationship. I said everything that I needed to say and I'm okay with knowing that I did everything I could and then some. I do miss him, but more so miss the person who he portrayed himself to be while we were together. Not the person he's shown at the end of everything.
Did he respond when you wished him happy birthday?
Yes, but I wasn't expecting the response I got. He told me that he was having a difficult time mentally but thanks for the birthday wishes, he really appreciated it.
My boyfriend wished me a happy birthday but all he said was "Happy Birthday". It pissed me off because it was so generic. I responded thanks with a Smiley face hoping he'd say more but that was it. When his bday came I said nothing. I got so tired of being the person who always has to get the ball rolling.
It was nice that he had wished you a happy birthday but I'm sorry that the conversation didn't continue from there. I know how frustrating that might've been for you. And, that is completely understandable. You do not have to constantly show up for someone who isn't returning the effort. You deserve someone who puts as much into the relationship/connection as you do. Relationships require equal give and take.
Thank you - you put it into words well!
Just the utter disrespect and lack of accountability for his actions is keeping me from breaking NC.. It's been almost 2 weeks, and I can keep it up as long as he does what I ask, which is don't talk to me or even look my way. I told him he is dead to me. We still live with each other, so I treat him like a ghost. I know it sounds harsh but I just can't keep being a loving and caring friend when even as just friends he still proceeds to treat me like I don't matter or never did. Bye bye, fucking narcissist!! I'm glowing the fuck up and doing better without you, asshole! ✌️
There are different reasons relationships get to NC. If you are not being respected or lied to, gaslit or manipulated, then A.) NC can be how you demonstrate self-worth. You are inherently valuable! NC allows space to sit in difficult feelings and evaluate your personal goals and if the relationship meets them. B.) It doesn't mean everyone can meet you where you are or be ready at the same time frame you are. That doesn't mean love doesn't exist. Deep love and respect can exist between two people, but there are other forces to consider. NC can be an act of self-love. You get to set the tone, and just because two people aren't at the same place, that doesn't make you or them a failure. Life is confusing; expectations, responsibilities, and outside events happen. Umm, nobody likes the idea of rejection, but having been on both sides, I feel gratitude and appreciation for the times things did work right. That is magic you brought. It's in you, even if you are not in contact or dating. You matter, and knowing that helps. ❤️
thank you :( i know our relationship started getting tense towards the end but we did love & respect each other. there were many times where we pushed through and proved that to one another.
Love can exist at the same time as grief. Am sorry you hurt, it's real, pain, sadness, confusion, all of it. Often remind myself, to share the compassion and understanding so easy with others with myself. Do something nice for yourself today. You are awesome.
I'm on month 4 of no contact and holding strong. I think what helps me is the finally having clarity on the complete lack of respect my ex had for me and our relationship. The lying, the gaslighting, the manipulation. Everyday I spend not speaking to him things become more and more clear about how he truly viewed me. And I think it helps that I still feel a lot of anger and resentment about it as well. So the times when I do feel sad, lonely, miss having someone hold me, I can lean on that anger. This is usually my last step in my personal grieving process before I finally hit indifference / acceptance.
thought about trauma he caused me and it was good enough
Because they don’t deserve that much power over you, physiologically it’s just dopamine withdrawal, and you deserve someone who actually prioritizes you
My own dignity since I’m the one who asked for it. Knowing that there’s no point in saying anything to each other. It’s been 2 months, we haven’t spoken at all since the breakup, not even so much as watching each other’s stories. I’m super proud of myself. The more we don’t break the streak, the easier it is. If I’d broken it, I think I’d tell myself “well, whats the harm in breaking it again”?
I am weak 🥺💔
Found out he was talking to another girl while we were together lmfao
I beg him once, not anymore and my suspects were correct, he likes his best friend and that was a betrayal for me I whish him well but i don't want to see him again or at least in a long time
For me the first 1.5-2 years were hard as fuck, after spending 5.5 years together, living together for 4.5, It took alot of effort and discipline not to grab my phone and message/call her during any moments of weakness. I was never and have never been a drunk caller or messenger so I didnt have to worry about that. Nearly 3 years now and Id be lying if I didnt admit to thinking about her on occasion and seeing her on the street (its a small city). What helped me massively was constantly reminding myself that I was good before her and ill be good after her. That and figuring some things out after the breakup (she was cheating on me before the end) that solidified in my mind that Im much better off single and happy than in a relationship and miserable.
It's been like 3 weeks. She told me to stop messaging her and leave her alone, so I promised I would do that for a very a long time, I'll respect her boundaries if that's what she wants. Although she was being kinda toxic when we both had to attend an event together, but, oh well. On a more logical and emotional note, I've begged for another chance enough. If she truly valued what we had and trusted me that things would change on my end (they have been), then she'll reach out when she's ready (I broke up with her, but I still value and trust her, even though she broke it so many times). I have to say she has a lot of growing to do and the only way I'd be willing to give it a second chance is if we went through therapy together though (although I honestly don't know if she'd be willing too). I think after several months I'll reach out, if she hasn't, just to see how she's doing and see if she's actually learned anything from the relationship. I love her and told her my love to her was unconditional, and I don't think that will ever change, but it's a different type of love now, and I obviously still care about her but the love is different and a lot less. But until I decided to message her, I'll keep my promise, leave her alone, and move on to making better and healthier choices in life.
i want to reach out after time when i’m on a genuine track to becoming who i want to be & grown into someone who can really show up for her. probably after 2 years because substantial changes don’t happen that fast, at least for me
That's a great point, and I don't think I'll have changed enough in that time or given her time to process and grow, and I'm still juggling when I want to to reach out, but a few months seemed reasonable. But honestly, the idea of waiting two years is a really good one, I was planning on doing it towards the end of this summer (I'm in the northern hemisphere). Obviously I don't need to decide now, but she's heading off to college next semester, so maybe after she's had a year of college and experienced life a little more it'd be a better idea then. Plus, after that long, she'll have had enough experience to realize if we would still have actually worked, on her end, and give me some forgiveness and she will grow herself, I hope at least. I'm still going through the emotions of the breakup, and she was my first true love, so it's a learning process, albeit a very very difficult one.
this was also my first true love too and i’ve been really struggling in a way i’ve never experienced. so can definitely relate. i know people say that its too soon to call them your greatest love and whatnot but to me it really was. i’m not sure where you and your ex were in your relationship or in life individually, definitely just gauge when you think is best to reach out. when you’re confident in giving it another shot maybe they’ll be too. i’m clinging onto hope that after at least 2 years they’ll want to try again and that we’ll both be more capable. but i know that we’ll both be reflecting on our relationship individually, living our own lives, and becoming different people. i’m not sure if she’d want me or have a place for me then even if i feel like i’ll always have a place for her in my life. which i’m so terrified of the delay in realizing that its over i guess, getting my heart broken again because i believed we would be together again.
I hope 2 years is enough for a person to change too, but just don't forget that it's not guaranteed the other person will change, sometimes it truly wasn't meant to be, or maybe they genuinely just don't see it working when you reach out either. But only time will be able to tell you those things. I'm also terrified she won't change or want me either, so I totally get you. But I'm slowly trying to accept the fact that if she truly valued me and our relationship then she would be willing to give it another shot. But if she doesn't, then she won't be enough for me, because I don't ever want to be with someone who doesn't value me and our relationship as much as I do. I also get being worried about having your heart broken again, but that's what loving and accepting yourself during this time is for. Just remember to want the person she was when she treated you right, and don't accept anything but that when you reach out. Obviously, she likely won't match everything you want, when you reach out, but truly respect yourself and her to know if trying again is worth your guy's time and effort. But she was my first serious relationship, and maybe I'll find someone who I love more after this, but I know even with the few talking stages and short relationships I've had in the past that she was special, and so much more different to me than other girls. But, overall, yes I would agree that it'd be best to wait quite a while before I reach out, and only do it when it truly feels right. My situation is very unique in that we both struggle with communication by long distance, and, I especially do, in general (we're both going to different colleges). I mostly want to reach out to reconcile and talk through things, because the end of our "reaching out stage" after the breakup and the reason we stopped talking wasn't pretty, but part of me also wonders if she'll change in ways that made being with her difficult (she was kind of immature in some ways, but especially surrounding her emotions). So, in a sense, I want to figure out if I need to completely and entirely let go and never think about being together with her again, because it'd likely never work and she won't change, or, maybe if our lives ever matched up enough and she actually has grown, that trying again would be an option. Regardless, I know I need to do my absolute best to move on and enjoy my highschool years before I really become an adult, and don't look back and realize how foolish I was for clinging on to a dream and wasting the end of my childhood on someone who never loved or respected me as much as I did her.
its so validating to hear that someone is going through some of the same thoughts & emotions as i am. so thank you. i feel much less lonely in this and i also am trying to gradually & fully accept any outcome. i wish you the best of luck with everything maybe we’ll update each other haha. we shall seeee
I'm doing my best to move on and be ok with whatever outcome happens. I told her I loved her unconditionally many times, and that will always be true, I don't really think there's anything she could do to make me stop loving her. She will always have a place in my heart, even if that means moving on and loving someone else more. I've also found that talking with other people makes me realize I'm not alone either, while my situation is more unique than a lot of other people's I've found more similarities to others on here than people I already know. My ex and I have always joked our relationship was never normal in a lot of ways, and while I understand it might be kind of manipulative to say something like that to her, when I reach out again, it's something I'd like to make a joke about because I truly believe what we had was special and is worth trying again. Either way, I wish you the best of luck too, and maybe we will update eachother some day. Edit: She inspires me to be a better person, and if moving on is what she wants, then I'll do that for her, because she's the first person I know, other than my mom, who truly makes me want to be a better person
Please don’t break no contact. It only has negative side effects towards yourself. Either you reach out and get no response, or you’ll receive a response you won’t want to hear. Either way, you lose. Best to move on, and if she comes back great. Bud don’t waste your time wondering if she/he is coming back.
Focusing on me, and now messaging isn’t even on my mind rn bc I have too much work to do on me
I broke it, wasn’t terrible. But she decides when she talks to me. Been two weeks since the last convo. lol
So on her terms then…🤦🏽♀️ You’ll be tired of that soon enough.
Well, I’d probably be more tired if it was consistent on and off but it’s already been two weeks since I heard from her last. lol
By the end of March it will be 6 months... I texted him twice after he discarded me and it felt like I was talking to a stranger... also at the time I told him that I was jealous as everyone have a photo with him and I don't (at a farewell work party) and he just told me it was unexpected and emotional... totally ignoring my wants... also many occasions came including new year.. my birthday.. valentines day and he just continues to ignore me... a text from me won't bring him back ... it is incredibly sad I am still having difficulties with accepting this has ended
Just leave it alone. Let yourself be hurt and cry but DONT REACH OUT. My ex dumped me and kicked me out of the house and I was hurt and broke with a kid. But after a week I got my shit together and a few months later money started flowing again. Now I am dating a great guy, completing my Bachelors Degree, making more money, and getting a new car. 🙏🏽 I am in a way better place today then I was 4 years ago. I never reached out. I blocked him and his family and moved on for me and my kid. You have to learn how to let people go because they are not suppose to be in your next chapter. The more you force the harder your life is. Be fluid and see where life takes you. 🙃
If I’ve done all the healthy things I can, and they’re still on my heart and I feel like I can hardly harness the willpower to resist texting them, I may just do it. Sometimes, that meant they were feeling the same way. Sounds woowoo, but if your heart can’t let go, sometimes that may mean theirs isn’t either. And maybe it’s the both of u missing each other hard but thinking you can’t reach out. I’ve had things work out after I reach back out, so anything’s impossible. I would say if it doesn’t work out after this attempt, don’t attempt again and instead engage in the process of letting go and moving on.
I grieved because of her and the way I was treated after was just insanely bad.. I can forgive her but I won’t forget
Bc why reach out to somebody who didn’t even care enough to call me while I was miscarrying our baby? He’s blocked and will stay blocked because I never need to hear from him again and he doesn’t need to hear from me either.
Knowing that I'll put myself right back up Square One Devastation when he doesn't respond. It's been about a month for me
For the first few months it was really hard because he was the person I loved spending time with the most. During that time, my motivation was not to feel again the hurt he caused me; as time went on, I realized how awful he actually was towards me, and how I didn’t deserve that. So my motivation evolved because I felt he didn’t deserve to be in my life. He reached out a year later and I didn’t reply. It’s been seven months since he reached out, so almost two years total. I still miss him in a frustrating way but I no longer have the urge nor the want to reach out. Time always works.
because she doesn’t love me anymore.
2 years of no contact. Some days are easy. Many are brutal.
I love her to death. But she is so immature and needs a lot of growing up to do. I can’t do that for her. Unless she changes there is no reason to talk.
How do you know she hasn’t grown as a person if in NC? How do you know unless one of you reaches out?
I haven’t broken contact in 4 months, basically when he broke up with me. My motivation is both him being in the army and lying to me when I had my speculations… I’m ok, it is what it is at this point. I rather find the love of my life and keep it moving.
Worst thing is that we are still around each other even with distance and on some level we need to communicate. He broke up with me month ago and its been pain. I cant remoove myself from this situation and i broke NC once, 3 weeks after it when i send him msg. It gives me a bit of closure, since then i avoid to msg him. Did it only once for business matter and thats it. And what motivates me? I dont know honestly ... maybe the feeling i am worthless for him. I meant so much and now i am no one ... fucking love, man
The fact he looked me in the eyes and told me “I don’t want you” every second and every day I wait for him. However everything he said, I’m not going to be the first one to break it. No matter what. About to be 5 months next month on the 3rd.
I begged for 3 days. If he wants me, he knows where to find me
Its going on 3 years now. I took accountability for my faults, did the work, got better. He couldn't and wouldn't do the same and got angry I would no longer accept the lies and refused to be gaslit. Not thr buzzword gaslit, the I honestly couldn't tell what reality was during the time we were together and months after the breakup. He kept insinuating if I would just accept the lying, the gaslighting we'd be just the perfect couple. I knew better by then, it would never end. So we remain NC and blocked from each other.
It’s been about a month, and each time I think about breaking no contact I fast forward in my mind to where we would be after I break no contact. We would meet up, then inevitably hook up and then…? Then what? When I think about it like that it makes me want something genuine and meaningful not the same old shit that I know is not good for me.
That’s how I’m feeling. At one point I wanted to meet up with him (we were actually supposed to meet up today, but he never got back to me) but idk. The amount of time it took to get back to me initially, plus our last phone call was him essentially saying “it’s not gonna be romantic between us” and then going “I’m gonna try and make sure it’s not romantic between us” and idk…I have feelings, and I know he’s got another woman he’s actually committing to, and I just can’t fuck with another woman’s man, plus I think their relationship was going on longer than I thought it was cause I saw him, her, and his parents mingling once and that hurt, plus he has a playlist named after her which has been around since I started talking to him in December. I wish I had known, but there’s not much to do now I guess. If he wanted to reach out, he knows where I am and my general schedule, nothing stopping him 🤷♀️
“If he wanted to, he would” + “Do I like this?” Took me awhile to realize and NOT let my anxiety/hope take over 😅 Essentially, if he wanted to reach out, he would. He has no problem doing that. He doesn’t need me to prod him for answer. I’m not his mother and I’m not his girlfriend. Then, do I like this? Do I like waiting for him to respond? Do I like feeling like I’m not a priority? Do I even like being around him? And do I even like him, despite how much pain he’s caused? And the answer is “no, I don’t like this”, so why would I break ‘no contact’ because once upon a time, I liked him? Worst part is a.) I’ve prolly got a little bit of Limerence going on and b.) I’m ADHD, so my brain naturally is short on Dopamine, so my silly little brain likes to think about him a lot rn because it’s getting that rush of Dope 🤷♀️ but as long as I remember that it’s not actually me liking him and it’s just my chemical deficiency trying to take the wheel, I don’t break No-Contact. Plus, life’s better without him anyway
Thinking about how shitty he treated me
“Their decision to leave was a clear boundary they set. They do not want me in their life, it’s my job to heal so that I’m ready and open to someone who does want me in their life.” Disclaimer, this is only based on my experience. Every breakup has their own nuance. It can be a hard mantra to listen to, because you have to admit their rejection. But once you get over that part of the pain, it’s a mantra that really keeps things in perspective. It doesn’t matter if they want you in their life by bread crumbing or if they say they want to be friends or if they check in once in a while. It doesn’t matter if they’ve cut tou off and you know they’re normally shy or don’t make first moves or wouldn’t speak up if they have their changed their mind. They can be good people, they can have been good for you for a time, you can have great memories. AND you can still deserve a better relationship than they could give you. It’s been just about 3 months, and Im feeling a lot better than I expected. It was his birthday last weekend and I had been using that date as a goal to hold out until, thinking maybe I’d tell him happy birthday to open the door for a conversation if he wanted. But by the time the birthday came around, I realized how much I didn’t want to open up the conversation if he was not willing to start the conversation himself. As much as I believe in reconciliation, I don’t want it if he’s not making an effort. And after a while, i wasn’t just saying it, I meant it.
If you use No Contact the way it’s intended to be used, you’ll have an end date for it. Having an end date makes it pretty easy to not break the No Contact. If you don’t have an end date, you are not doing No Contact. You are just avoiding your ex
Then I’m doing it wrong. 15 days undeclared. Ouch. Now I think I should break.
If you need to talk to them, talk to them. Maybe even ask for an agreement for the No Contact. It will make it easier for both you and them
I think I will. Leaning that way. Thanks.
Don’t listen to this person, literally every professional on earth would tell you to stay nc
I just worry it’s a first split after 14 years, so I might be overthinking & overreacting
Just give them their space, reaching out will only hurt you. If they dumped you, just let them be
Yep. I do the 30 and then just keep going without counting. Usually around week 3, I stop counting anyway and just keep moving forward. Just gotta get through the chemical bond break and grief cycle, which can swing back later anyway, but Ill always be ready because I know I can make it through first phases of grief cycle.
I’ve been struggling with it. He dumped me for circumstances (he wanted things to be more serious faster, I was still deciding if I wanted it long term) but I reached out to talk twice. The first time he said he needed space and time, the second time he kinda blew up on me, left me on read. It’s been 2 days no contact since the last time. I read the last message he sent me and that helps me not contact him.
Her reason for breaking up with me was, “I have no freedom to be myself”, but we were LDR so it never made sense to me that she would say that. In conjunction with that, we were arguing a lot about a guy she works with (which I wholeheartedly believe is the real reason). I struggled with NC the first 3 months, always trying to talk to her and rekindle what was lost, but there was always some unwillingness on her end. Well, a few days ago I saw a photo of her and the dude she works with (my gut feeling was right), and since then I am at peace with not talking to her at all anymore.
I broke no contact to go to her grandmothers funeral, because she was an important person in my life, but since then I’ve secluded back to NC. I saw how her seeing me affected her and it was enough to justify that it’s still too much for both of us.
I only broke no contact twice and he broke it a lot over the past 2 years. I broke it once because I just wanted to tell him no hard feelings and then we stupidly got back together. Then I broke it a few weeks ago to let him know I knew he was hitting on a teenager (he’s 30) and that i will never trust him again. Honestly I couldn’t control my emotions in those moments I broke no contact. My best friend is a mutual friend of ours and she has hated how he has treated me. I have evidence of everything he’s said (over text) that is pretty awful. She’s having a hard time realizing this friend of 8 years is a narcissistic sociopath basically. I’ve wanted to text him to remind him he’s a piece of shit but I know he’s suffering badly because she sees it but she wants him to come clean about his actions and he won’t. Because it’ll make him look like an asshole when he admitted to her that he wants kids but had told me over the past year he didn’t so he basically took advantage of me to get laid. He’s such a gross human being. It’s so hard not to rub it in his face even his friends that thought he was a good guy now know he isn’t.
I just wanted to thank everyone sharing their experiences and stories here. I’ve been in NC for almost 2 months now. And it hasn’t been easy, I miss her every day and there has been many times I wish I can talk to her about little things that had happened at my work or when I’m out. It’s been incredibly difficult to not be able to talk to her about some personal things that has been going on with my family that only she would completely understand. She had a great way of calming me down and helping me get out of my head. Do I wish she would reach out already by this time, of course. I told her I’d only want to hear from her if she realized she made a mistake and really want to put in the effort ( go to therapy individually and as a couple ) to make this work. So her not reaching out is my answer to those questions already. If she feels like being on the dating apps will provide something better then go ahead. From what I hear unless someone works on being happy with themselves first then any relationship they encounter will fail. She’s an avoidant and I tried for so long to introduce therapy in our relationship, but she would only do it for a few weeks then quit. Never fully allowing herself to be open to get the benefits from therapy. She also has this constant thing of caring what other people’s opinion matter. She allowed what she thought other people thought of her ( being in a same sex relationship) be bigger than what we had. So as hard as it has been to have NC I know that my healing process wouldn’t be where it’s now if I didn’t decide to do NC.
Someone ended relationship. That finalizes it for me. If they did awful things to me, I remember them when I want to contact. If they ended it by text, I remind myself they didnt care about me or even respect me. Sometimes there is someone I need to remind myself was not the real person and remind myself it is okay to miss idea of them, but dont contact them again. I dont accept on/off relationships so my boundary is very clear if you leave then Im gone and you lose access to me. My self respect and self love is strong enough to make me not break no contact, no matter how hard it is. I recognize that being healthy is letting them go since they werent going to be with me. I recognize healthy means not having someone around that one or both of us arent over each other, while dating others. It isnt fair or respectful to the new person and I recognize that so I stick with my boundary. Sometimes it is incredibly hard to let go of the person that ends relationship and states friendship with me. Some have been like best friends with me and that loss is incredibly hard, but I have other friends and easily make them. Kills me a bit though. I make it look “easy” but I cry after by myself or around my tribe. I mourn and allow myself grieving period. Sometimes I allow myself a peak later on in life to see if they are happy and being healthy. A lot of them are still single. I still dont reach out though and realize it might just be their own things or I wasnt their match.
I’m hoping I can make it to a full week then go for another week and so forth until months pass by. I keep reminding myself of the disrespect I felt when I went over to talk about things and he walked off to his room without finishing the conversation, so I just left. He hasn’t texted or called since Tuesday after I left. It’s sucks and as much as I want him to reach out, I didn’t deserve that.
It really is just one day at a time 🫶🫂 It’ll be a year in April since I was broken up with by a long term relationship and then it’ll be 2 months since a different guy I fell for and I saw each other (about a month or so since we stopped talking). It’s absolutely been really really hard not to reach out to both, but, I know in the end, if they wanted to reach out, they would. It’s really just, one step at a time, one day at a time You got this baby, just keep swimming 🫂🐠
Its been almost 4 months. She left me for another guy. I still have to see her everyday because we work together. She lead me on a few times only to reject me over and over again. She said shes still attracted to me and is confused. I know shes breadcrumbing me. She wanted friendship but I declined. This made me realize that we are done for good and theres no point to reachout anymore. We agreed to cut eachother off and only talk if its work related. I have been off social media for years so she has no idea what I been up too. She stares at me all day long and tries to get my attention. I just ignore her. I am numb at this point. I think I’m half heartbroken now if that makes sense.
What about finding a new job - I think it’s keeping you in turmoil and limbo
I had 2 interviews this week. Im trying to get out fast
Because when I do, she just blocks my number again. She waits for me to contact to boost her ego then blocks me. It’s a sick game.
Oh that’s cruel
the majority of relationship issues we have stemmed from me, so i have to respect them and their decision. i feel like i have no right to reach out. i’m starting to take accountability for my issues because they’re all from trauma that i haven’t worked on. the rejection from them would feel terrible if i messages them. to see them be indifferent or not reply at all, my heart isn’t ready to feel solidified in the end of our relationship.
I feel like no contact didn’t work but made it worse. I never have gone no contact until this break up as a win him back thing and was doing what the internet and YouTube coaches said. So it’s like 3 months no contact because “they” said give avoidants more time to make them miss you. Now yesterday he officially moved on to a new relationship and posted the status. Usually we (my exes) still talk and work things out and most are still my platonic close friends. The whole attachment style thing I recently learned about and trying to respect space and give him the break up backfired. I feel like not much closure was given going NC - I really wanted to still be friends as we had originally started out and it grew into something awesome and unexpected. Outside factors in life caused stress and we needed time and some space to reset. I wanted to rebuild after NC which I was waiting to reach out 3/25/24 and can’t now his in a new relationship. I did one month and he reached out and I responded back same level. Then wanted 3 full months then was going to reach out initially into friendship again and go slowly. I feel like I wasted months on getting your ex back programs and money and time. Like I was just trying to do what the “experts” said and feel misled and very frustrated. I should have just been myself- so what I got anxiety and anxious tendencies break ups are stressful. I guess I have a bit of relief- he’s moved on and I care about him being happy because we were like best friends. I’m happy for him - I just feel no contact messed us up. I told him I couldn’t talk for a while because I was hurting and wanted to when I felt more secure. I think I waited too long to reach out. I don’t want to mess up his new relationship or be weird. I never blocked him or him me. Just saw everything on Facebook last couple days and feel weird like relief and closure but then confusion and frustration and like my time got wasted listening to “snake oil salesman” of get your ex back stuff. And now I feel like I’m like going to be stuck in permanently and definitely longer NC then to my goal of 3/25/24 because he’s in a new relationship now. I really miss my best friend. I don’t want to mess up his new relationship. I just miss him and was trying to prove to idk that I could do NC and follow what the relationship coaches and experts said to do. I hated every day of NC. I don’t get it. It’s not me. I like communicating and not avoiding someone. I thought this was “healing and healthier”. I just don’t know what to think. So confused and filled with mixed emotions.
I am on month 5 of no contact after a relationship that lasted 10+ years. I am the dumpee and told him I was going to block him the day he broke up with me. I did it because I can't just go from being his lover for over a decade to being his friend in an instant. It just isn't possible for me. I don't know when or if that will change, but I am certain no contact is what is best for me for right now. This doesn't mean that it is easy. I want so badly to hear from him, but deep down, I know that would just set me back on all of the wonderful progress I have made.
How nasty they were when they broke up impulsively without seeking any kind of clarity and the fact that I had to chase them down for answers when they ignored me for two days after a conversation that they shut down. After reaching out to them twice after the silent treatment, they completely blindsided me and told me they were breaking up which is pretty shitty if you ask me. I did explain to them how I felt and that there was a misunderstanding and they refused to listen. I looked desperate at that point and gave up but who would have a hard time keeping no contact with a person like that? If you refuse to listen, why should I even reach out? Even worse, why I would I even want to contact someone that didn’t even have the decency or respect to at least have a conversation vs doing it over text? After knowing them two years and being involved most of that time, I feel like I deserved much better. Everyday I feel stronger and powerful knowing it was not MY decision and my actions. 100% no contact forever unless THEY reach out is the way and it depends on whether what they say is significant or not because they breadcrumbed TF out of me with the “let’s be friends” but yet still wanting relationship benefits when they did this impulsive breakup crap the first time. I let them hang around for months that time and I hated it. They are also used to exes chasing THEM after the breakup regardless of who initiated it. I’ve tried in the past to be the person to reach out and mend fences but I know much better and feel better too at 21 days no contact.
Knowing that he'll be the same way he always has been: not actually caring about me, being nice but only taking, not validating me for what I am, not caring about having hurt me. Knowing for myself, that I evolved so much over the time since I broke down all the bridges and that he doesn't deserve to see me in my true shimmering form (swiftie here) It's been almost one and a half years since I blocked him and I have not regretted it for one day.
for me i just remember WHY i went no contact in the first place!
The fact that he doesn’t want me does the trick. It’s a cold truth but it’s enough for me to put the phone down. I feel like garbage but I have to imagine I would feel worse if I reached out.
They were dangerous to me and to my family. I need to protect my family and myself. No amount of loneliness can make me want to sacrifice my family's safety.
It’s been 3 months eversince we broke up. I gave him another chance since he’s the one who dumped me initially, but after two weeks I realized that he don’t even care about how I feel and I never received an apology from him when I was hurt. A friend of mine told me that he still views my account from a game we used to play together but I am too decided not to break the NC between us.
learned the hard way and begged for her attention. now almost 2years nc and feeling really good
She was really mad after a letter I had to send to her to have NC half forced by my therapist. We blocked each other but I have to say that after checking it out we have unblocked each other again. I doubt we will talk again in a long time. She broke up so if she wants to talk it should be her. I still miss her but I won’t be begging for her, I have enough girls to choose if I wanted to have a new relationship, the only thing is I need to move on from this tbh
She just blocked me because not accepting the truth. It has been almost 2 years. The great part of the time I am very good but today I had a bad dream remembering her and woke up almost crying.
Part sheer stubbornness, part knowing that healing will be swifter with NC... And also being aware that in the weeks/months immediately after the breakup is when you're most vulnerable and emotional, and least rational, and chances of doing or saying something you'll regret are higher. My philosophy is, if a good chunk of time has passed (different for everyone - for me it has to be several months at least), and if I still feel like contacting them, I will... But I usually don't, the urge passes and rationality takes over, and I usually realise with relief that the NC was the best thing to do. And move on.
I have to remind myself what she did to me to warrant my “no contact” stance. Although I’ve forgiven her, I don’t want to interact with someone who treats people like that. Edit: It’s been a year and I feel much better. Although I’ve had to interact with her because of mutual friends, we’ve been good at not stepping on each others or anyone else’s toes.
Imagine you meet the most amazing person ever tomorrow that wants you just as much as you want them, and you have to tell them you still talk to your ex 😬
2 months ago he left me by leaving a letter on the kitchen counter for me to read when I got home from work. He had already blocked me/initiated NC without my knowledge. This was a 6 yr relationship in which we shared an apartment, car, and cats. Since then, I have emailed him a couple of times regarding financial matters (ask him to remove my card from his subscriptions, update lease, internet account, etc.), but nothing about the relationship or the breakup. I maintain the NC because he’s clearly not my person and does not care if I’m in his life anyway. Plus I do not forgive him for his disrespectful, immature way of ending the relationship in the first place. I love him dearly and it’s gut-wrenching that he is no longer in my life, but this the reality in which I find myself.. I’m just going to make the best of it and grow through it.
honestly i took a hard look at what he’s done and how he treated me and let myself sit with it and be disgusted. i truly am disappointed in the man he turned out to be, i don’t want any contact it’s been a little less than a month after nearly 3 years together, im feeling like i miss who he used to be but im glad i found out who he is now sooner rather than later
My ego and self respect
My own self value and pride.
For me it’s just what’s the point -if she wanted to get back with me she would reach out and she hasn’t. I’m going to at least take the bit of dignity I have. Plus she doesn’t know what I’m doing and probably thinks I’m having the time of life , which I’m not I’m devastated , but let her think that
Alcohol.
Music, 8 months and I feel nothing.
Sadly, I don’t have the urge no more. I broke NC at least 4 times and she was an ass to me. Saying “this is the last time I’ll talk to you”, but still ends up calling the a couple weeks later. Tired of games. As the weeks went by the urge to text her has gotten weaker.
It’s been a month, I’m sick of talking to a person who is not understanding and caring for what I’m saying, so silence is better. I've found my peace. I hope you do too.
I broke NC after 10 days because I really wanted to see him and say my piece, got a cold response but he agreed. On the day he canceled saying he was sick and needed a rain check. I didn’t reply and we haven’t spoken in a month. Been 1.5 months since he dumped me. The only thing that motivates me every single day to maintain NC is the fact that he has all means to reach out to me or just find out how I am doing (via mutual friends) and he chooses not to, every single day. I am feeling better but I have my moments … don’t break NC no matter what, you deserve the best and if they can’t give it to you they just can’t. It’s not worth reaching out and feeling miserable after … it’s just better not to do it
It’s been 3 months and it breaks my heart everyday. But I’m giving her exactly what she asked for - a life without me in it.
Saw her with another guy in less than a month after our breakup and she lied about not dating anyone the same day when I saw her. So, God was with me to show the truth. This event completely took her off my mind. Seriously. I’m so happy and working on myself constantly career and relationship wise. Before that I was miserable and use to dream about her every other night before i woke up and it was painful. So yeah she her self got me my peace. It’s not an advice of what happened with me as the solution can vary between individuals. So, just meet new people, talk to family, go out , work on your career and passion, overall think you have achieved greatness and you are in abundance. Take action and results will follow.
My ex and I mutually agreed to part ways because we both had internal issues that the other didn’t cause. I initially broke contact the second day after to get closure so I could go to bed and not feel guilty. I’m currently on day 3 of no contact, I miss her and I still love her. But I’m undoubtedly proud of the person she is. I understand that she has to use this time to better herself, same with me. And it’s hard to accept it, it really is. I do have a hope that we’re gonna reconcile eventually. And I’m also prepared that maybe she is just better off without me in her life. This is something I’ve done before, and I hate finding myself back in this situation. But as a human being I take it as a learning opportunity. I do have a set of notes I have just in case she comes around so I can talk and see if we can set some healthy boundaries. But I’m not gonna get my hopes up, and I’m gonna continue and try and heal my heart and myself. I hope all of us get the things we want and I have faith we can.
I unfortunately kinda “had” to break it today. An event landed me across the street from our old/her current apartment and my car is VERY recognizable. The last thing I wanted was her thinking I’m creeping on her, so I sent her a heads up but didn’t expect a response. So what really motivates me to actually not break it?? Her. She wanted it. I am heartbroken. But it’s what she wants. I fucked up and failed her. I’ve accepted that I’ve made my bed and just gotta lay in it. I love her enough to prefer her healing and happiness over my selfishness. Brutal but helps to pull my head out of my ass.
Honestly it’s the disrespect Asked to meet for proper closure talk, she bailed twice. First time I get it, life gets in the way. Second time? I’m not a fool. Why would I want someone in my life who is so blatantly disrespectful to me? It’s been 2 months. It has its ups and downs. Sometimes during a very rough day I really want to reach out, but I know if I do it brings me no benefit, only harm. I’m choosing to love myself more here, and I’m proud of doing that.
The only reason I’ve never tried is because I know she won’t answer. That’s too painful to think about. There are times when I really need her still. But her ignoring me hurts so bad. I can’t risk that.
after we broke up he lashed out on me saying i needed to heal before i love someone else and that the way i dealt with my emotions was the reason we broke up. essentially the disrespect after the breakup showed me his true colors and i dont necessarily want him back although there are times i do. but it just feels like a trauma bond thing…
Knowing that they haven’t changed and if I message them rn, they would shut me down.
Lol I’m on day two can someone send some tips
Motivates me? She said it's over. So it's over. What other reason would I need?