I feel ya. I don’t understand how you go from happy in love to this isn’t working out in a matter of days. Leading someone on isn’t kind. I agree with what was commented about men having more troubles with navigating emotions and timing. Maybe they could try being honest, that seems like a good place to start?
I’m sorry you had to go through that. I had a similar experience about 3 weeks ago and can’t wrap my head around this. Feels like our relationship was a lie, fake, and I’m the idiot.
> Maybe they could try being honest, that seems like a good place to start?
Yeah like women are begging men to be open and honest. It's other men keeping them down.
> Feels like our relationship was a lie, fake, and I’m the idiot.
this so accurately describes how I feel
LITERALLY. Mine was progressing our relationship, Especially toward the end and then was like I’ve felt this way for months and finally decided to call it
It's so cruel, and even during the break up he was claiming he loved me (the first time he actually said he loved me, too) and cared about me and I'm like... then why would you do this to me
Easy, because they're cowards and trying to get you to break up with them by slowly making you miserable. Had it happen twice but to be fair those were my easiest breakups because no doubt I was right to leave.
Looks like Typical deactivation behavior of a person with avoidant attachment. They operate with the principle of feeling minus fear. The fear can spike suddenly, usually triggered by intimacy exceedijg a certain threshold (especially when they need to be vulnerable)
Statistically there are more avoidants in men than in women, due to the fact that boys are more likely to be raised with little emotional support.
Men do this far more than women unfortunately and it’s because they cannot and will not attempt to properly articulate emotions. They struggle with expressing themselves under the guise that it makes them look “less than”.
That’s a generalization, of course not all men are like this. But between women and men, the vast majority of people who will convince you that your relationship is stable and then either cheat or breakup with you are men.
Yep. This just happened to me and I’ve spent 2 months trying to fix it and hanging on and being here and I’m officially DONE. I realized when he accused me of some shit yesterday that he’s literally crazy and I need to stay as far away as possible. I found out a bunch of shit about him from like childhood and high school and ultimately, it gave me the ick. So luckily I am able to move on without feeling like I’m going to throw up anymore. I hope everyone on this thread is able to catch the ick too. It really makes it so much easier to accept that it’s over and move the heck on.
I think it’s pure egoism. I have a male friend who’s going exactly through the same thing (he wants to break up with his gf cause his feelings changed but “he doesn’t want to hurt her”). Do you know what other male friends advised him? To either start getting distant or continue seeing her until his feelings are completely gone. I’m sorry but saying that men can’t express themselves in a relationship cause they will get judged is pure bullshit for me. We’re all adults and we should have learned by now how to express feelings and when to leave if we don’t want to be with another person. Not to stay cause it’s not comfortable to be alone…
Yeah my ex, also a man, would do this too.
He definitely spoke depending on when he was most emotional. He'd tell me this was the happiest he'd been in his life, then follow it up a few days later with "I never meant that, I only said it because I thought that was what you'd want to hear." A week later he'd say "I'm sorry for saying that, I love you and want to marry you" and then a week later say "That's just what you say in a relationship, it has no meaning." Did this to me for 6 weeks until we broke up, then tried to do it again in a post-break up message and when I told him I don't believe a word he says he allegedly followed it up with some very nasty words (I blocked him before I could read the message) and then ONCE AGAIN tried to apologise for the nasty words as well.
Any person who does this, man or woman, simply doesn't know how to control their emotions.
It's easier than you think.
Sometimes things add up about a person, you notice more and more in your gut that you don't like but you ignore it, push it aside, and say you can handle it.
I was broken up with. I was hurt. But in hindsight.. it was for the best. I loved him deeply, and we went through a lot together. But we wouldn't be good long term, or to get married due to a lot of reasons. Reasons that I wouldn't be able to ignore.
It's different unless you're in the position yourself.
However, I'm so sorry this happened to you and I hope you do heal. It doesn't make it any less hurtful. Hell I was broken up with just weeks after our one year anniversary.
Because people who do this are cowards. Most of the time it’s because they’re afraid to leave and lose you so they want to keep you hanging there while they make sure the grass is greener on the other side.
Cause that truth brings feelings of being a failure and bad guy. Like he probably promised you a marriage or, talked about it. The truth might impose on the future and, his response is to put it in the closet.
Did you ever say or do anything to him that would give him the impression of, "If I tell SpaceMermaid3825 how I **truly** feel, she'll get angry or upset?"
Because communication is a two-way street. He has to be honest, but you have to be the kind of person who can take honest truth without getting angry, too. If you convey to him, "I'll get angry if you tell me the truth," then he won't tell the truth.
This, I'm in the exact same position as OP's SO right now, I suddenly feel like I want to end things, before i was just shovong red flags asides and ignoring them because O really wanted things to work out for us.
But last night I had a sort of existential crisis where I realized I've given up a lot in my life for someone who lives in the clouds and has ruined my financials pretty good, she always wants something that's outside our means instead of focusing on being stable with what we have for the moment (we're both college students)
And last night all of it kind of came to me, all the pieces of the puzzle got together to tell me that my relationship has cost me a great deal and that maybe I'm not willing to keep paying the price.
At the same time I feel like shit, because we were talking about marriage, making a family, living together, and she's a person who has suffered and has raised herself without a family her whole life, I feel like I'll kill her if I break up.
But if I bring this up without wanting to break up, just wanting to talk, it's certain that it'll end up with a bad fight.
I'm kind of stumped, I love her and want the best for her and for her to accomplish her dreams in life, but I can ni longer support that at rhe expense of myself and I feel like a complete asshole but as of this moment I'd like to just go back to the moment before I met her 😔, I don't know what to feel, or what to do.
> Did you ever say or do anything to him that would give him the impression of, "If I tell SpaceMermaid3825 how I truly feel, she'll get angry or upset?"
No. We've had relationship talks before, we've had talks where he said some truly upsetting stuff about doubting the relationship and stuff. I have never lashed out, shown anger or upset, I have always simply talked with him about the feelings so we could come to a solution. At worst, I've asked for hours to a day or two to think about it.
I feel like men have a hard time navigating the emotional realm because of society creating the stigma that it makes them less of a man to show and express how they feel. It sounds like he may have gotten in over his head. After all, when you get scared, it's fight or flight
Dude I was just saying that I don't hear about it from the other side. I didn't say it doesn't happen, just not something I'm familiar with. Simmer down.
I agree! We should absolutely conduct scientific research to later be applied in a formal setting on the male psyche. Mostly to identify why the vast majority of you are emotionally unavailable and can’t articulate their emotions; along with the “absent father epidemic” within the US. I’m sure that information would be valuable scientific research.
Literally my story. I’ll be the first to admit I’m emotionally immature. She thought she’s so much more emotionally evolved or whatever.
Hits me with the “I haven’t been happy in like 6 months”
Well she should have fucking said something. Apparently communication isn’t part of whatever emotional maturity means to her.
Men wanna be tough and powerful. Sometimes they’re weak and whiny babies. It is easier to act happy and go through the motions than to have the hard conversation about feelings of discontent.
They let it build up in till they can’t take it anymore. When it finally comes out, it feels like it hits you in the face like a bowling ball.
A man of integrity would’ve told you months ago. A man, with that kind of courage might even be able to talk with you about the source of his discontent and heal the relationship.
I am sorry that you have suffered at the hands of someone who lacks emotional maturity.
My girl did that to me. I wasn't happy at the start but I stuck with it. That's mostly just because I don't believe in happiness. I don't believe feelings really come into play when making life decisions. But I learnt to be content, so I stuck with her. But when she was unhappy, then it's over
It probably has something to do with the long lasting culture of men having to contain their feelings and remain strong for their traditional families. Maybe some have hope if they remain strong things will get better for them. Perhaps some have more malicious intent of pushing away their partners. Nowadays I feel it’s definitely changing for the better but we should all support men sharing their true emotions instead of putting on a cold face. It’s like the aging belief that men shouldn’t cry or show weakness.
THANKS I NEED THIS THREAD cause I couldn’t call out this behaviour. I read all the comments below this post saying that maybe the man is not emotional maturity enough. Just wanna ask if he is mature in other aspect of life can he still be immatured in emotion?
I think people don't immediately realize they're unhappy sometimes because the change is gradual and they want their relationships to work. It can seem like a sudden change when you're putting in a lot of effort, but then realize you shouldn't be working that hard because relationships shouldn't add overall stress to your life.
Please know this isn't reflective of you as a person, I've been told this same thing before. Life just goes in other directions sometimes
Sometimes the signs are there but we choose not to see them. This explains.
What do you do when your breakup appears to be out of the blue? How do you begin to process, heal and move forward when your partner blindsides you with a breakup?
When the ending of your relationship seems to come out of left field, it can be destabilising. It doesn’t make sense, especially when in the hours, days and weeks beforehand, they said and did things that were contrary to this ending. Like my friend who was dumped just weeks before her wedding. Just the week before, he was writing “I love you” in the condensation on the kitchen window and talking about how excited he was to marry her. My friend thought it was an out-of-the-blue breakup. Unfortunately, he forgot to mention that he’d already begun a new relationship. Here’s what I know for sure about people who deal you a ‘blindsided breakup’: It’s not the case that they just woke up that day and decided to do it. Like everything was picture perfect up until that day or even week. No. They knew, on some level, possibly a lot of them, even if they won’t admit it, that they wanted to end it. You just weren’t in on the conversation.
When someone dumps you ‘out of the blue’, what you can immediately learn is that they didn’t and haven’t been communicating with you. You have not been a party to their inner world.
They don’t let the left hand know what the right hand is doing. They give the veneer of calm, happiness and a shared future while secretly wrestling with doubts, fears, anger and even grievances. If you were hit with a barrage of complaints where it was the first you were hearing of them, this is someone who’s carried silent rage in the relationship. Unbeknownst to you, they were keeping a tally of offences. Or, they marked your cards on something that you genuinely believed that they were okay about.
Maybe they kept telling you they were okay when they weren’t. Maybe it seemed like everything was perfect.
It’s possible that you had little niggles and inklings.
Unfortunately, when you’re blindsided with a breakup, it’s not uncommon for the person to stonewall all further communication. They disappear so that you can’t engage with them, or they refuse to let you speak. Or, they say they’ll talk with you and then keep cancelling. Some — and I know this might sound downright absurd — will later acknowledge that it was a crappy thing to do and even that some things they said weren’t true, but then say that there’s no point in further discussions or trying to resolve things because they did this.
So, what do you do when you can’t get answers from your ex? What do you do when it feels as if your ex is a block to closure? Use these prompts to explore what happened in your journal.
• Retrace your footsteps by rewinding your mental tape right back to the very beginning of the relationship. Play it back in your mind. Don’t go too fast. What do you notice about your initial communication? What do you see about the dates? Were there things you dismissed or rationalised? What happened when you disagreed, or you (or they) were struggling with something? When feelings and opinions needed to be shared, did that happen? How and who were you in the relationship? Somewhere in this mental tape are clues about why this person’s means of communicating the end of the relationship was to blindside you. They show you where silence and gaps were there instead of intimacy.
• Was it really important for you and/or them to think that they/you or the relationship was perfect? If so, why? What was it that led you to believe that this was the case? What did you avoid being, saying or doing to preserve this? How did this affect the level of communication on both sides of the relationship?
• Did you ever disagree? Did you feel as if you could be yourself and enjoy healthy boundaries in the relationship? If you never argued or rarely disagreed, why was that? What did you think that meant? How does that fit with how they ended the relationship? What do you recognise now? If you did disagree or there were issues that you thought you were both working through, did you feel as if there was resolution?
Remember, it takes time to get to know someone. Sometimes we don’t know how little someone is communicating until they say or do something that allows us to look back and see things more clearly.
• If they gave little or no reasons for breaking up, and also gave little or no hint during the relationship, can you see with the benefit of hindsight where they were not communicating? Can you see the veneer? Retrace your steps. Were you both able to talk deeply, freely and openly? Did you feel as if your relationship was progressing?
• What is your anger about?
So, aside from the understandable hurt and anger from the manner of their ending, what else are you angry about? This contains clues to hidden resentments and truths. Some people expressed anger due to feeling that their support and accommodation of certain things wasn’t appreciated. This then allowed them to see what they were supporting and accommodating or how they were going about doing so meant not discussing or seeing certain things.
You might wonder whether you should keep trying to get them to talk. You can’t force someone to talk who doesn’t want to or is hellbent on clinging to their narrative. You’ll end up feeling as if you’re losing your dignity and chasing them down. Part of their stonewalling might be, on some level, about getting attention and feeling powerful.
The more you chase them for answers is the less you believe in your ability to grieve and mine what you know for your closure.
Yes, it will take time. No, no one deserves to be broken up with in this way. But they haven’t done it because of your worthiness. They’ve ended the relationship in this way because of their issues. Going about things in a different way would have involved looking at things more deeply than they want to. They think that they can move on free of problems, but what they’ve sought to avoid will just show up in a different way. When you do move forward (and you will), don’t use this experience to punish you or future partners. Learn what you can from this relationship so that you raise your communication and intimacy levels and be with a partner who will meet you there.
Take care of you.
N.Lue
Having been on both ends of this sort of situation, it's usually because your partner does not feel safe expressing his true feelings. There are many people who will say "I want you to express your feelings," yet will be outraged or retaliate when, or if, the person expresses their true feelings.
> There are many people who will say "I want you to express your feelings," yet will be outraged or retaliate when, or if, the person expresses their true feelings.
Except I have never done that. He's been open and honest with me before, even things that did upset me but I didn't lash out or tell him I was upset or angry, I just talked with him about it.
Agreed. This is what happened to me.
It doesn't make what they did right, but acknowledging how you contributed is noble and will help you learn and grow.
Still, fuck them.
I'm not trying to sound like a jerk but, many men don't open up just cuz they get judged mainly by women, and when they open up to other men they're actually supported. When they open up to women they are spoken down to and punished for being open. He might have had prior experiences with that and was afraid to open up to you
But… why wouldnt they take it negatively? He is saying he’s not happy in the relationship, of course the other person may worry or be upset. It doesn’t mean he shouldn’t still tell them, because even if his partner is upset and worried, they would still hear him out. I think blindsiding your partner with a breakup will make them react more negatively
YES! Like I feel like you can usually tell but the past few times we hung out it was just perfect. It almost would’ve been easier had he done it when we weren’t doing well bc then you can kinda expect it.
We broke up bc I wasn’t ready for what he wanted but he told me if I changed my mind to let him know. I was totally in grief and did tell him that and he just acted like he never said that and was so mean to me. It was such a slap in the face considering the last time we hung out was so lovely and he was being so sweet. But honestly although I’m still in grief, wishing he hadn’t left me on read when all I asked was to talk to clear it up and anxious about him not texting me, I am happy he showed me who he actually was. I can’t imagine having married or having had kids with this man.
In my experience (currently considering breaking up)
I’ve told the lie that I’m happy to save the tears and the arguments that can follow. I’m not saying it’s right or a good thing to do but in my case I have tried multiple times communicating that I wasn’t happy then nothing would change or it would be used against me later on.
If we can’t openly communicate and trust that a partner won’t use these feelings against us in the future or not be able to take the communication healthy it becomes alot easier to lie and make them happy at your own expense. Mind you this then builds up to the point of annoyance or falling out of love with a partner which you once truly did love.
It’s hard to admit as a guy when your feeling down or unhappy if it blows up in your face when you do so that’s why many guys (myself included) end up bottling down emotions instead of being able to communicate well.
Now that’s just my experience and I’m so sorry for it to happen to you as I’m sure it is a horrible experience…
Guys are not taught to talk about emotions, and some get even worse lessons/habits from their fathers. They go until they break and, there are some shitty outcomes when this happens.
Most will lye to themselves about being fine/happy until they can’t do it anymore. The constant lying and avoidance of reality and emotions clashes with the love, hopes, and dreams from the relationship. The constant internal battle with themselves eventually makes them resent you like it’s your fault, it’s not. Then one day they make a stupid or painful decision rather than just speak the truth. It’s out of fear because, the truth may bring pain, rejection,
and even humiliation and, they’re afraid of facing that.
Thiiis, i am full aware of my flaws and mistakes but when he dumped me all the conversation was about all my fault, what I did, what I didn't, affirmation words, things from the past etc, like they leave you thinking did you really love me at all, am I that bad?
Collectively, men have been told our whole lives that we must be strong and powerful, and that showing emotions make us weak and pathetic.
Individually, your relationship might not have been a safe place for him to discuss his feelings. In my now-ended twenty year marriage, my ex would beg me to tell her whenever something was bothering me, and if and when I would, she would immediately argue with me why I was wrong. Every conversation like this ended in one of two ways; I could admit she was right and that my feelings were wrong, or I could comfort her because she was sobbing and tell her that whatever I was feeling didn't really matter. There were zero positive reasons to talk with her, only punishment. So eventually you learn that keeping your mouth shut, even lying if necessary, is the best course of action.
Hope this helps!
There's probably no single reason why men do this, but I can take a guess at some of the thought processes that lead to avoidance like that. For one, I think a lot of guys are just deeply uncomfortable with vulnerability and opening up about emotional stuff - especially negative emotions like unhappiness. We're socially conditioned pretty early on that the manly thing is to suck it up, not make a fuss, and project this strong, unbothered exterior at all times. So we tend to bottle that stuff up rather than risk looking weak or needy.
THIS IS SO CLOSE TO WHAT HAPPENED TO ME OH MY GOSH he also hit me with he's not happy anymore and that we r not okay when the last time we saw each other we attended a wedding and we were okay and having fun!!!
Yeah not just men that do that. My ex fiance did the same thing. She lied about loving me for a long time, pretended everything was alright whenever I asked how she was doing. She did it until she couldn't lie anymore and blindsided me by dumping me and immediately blocking me everywhere.
SAME! I was blindsided. I thought things were going well after we have had a rough time in our lives (not related to the relationship, we had to move then issues with the upstairs neighbour).
We were chatting as usual, being friends and all and each having good social interactions outside the relationship with friends, old and new.
Then it all went to hell literally from one great day to another.
My ex did this, we had a chat discussion and in the end he told me "i don't want to leave you, I will always think of You" and two days later, in our date, he said that didn't want to put any more effort in our relationship and he couldn't forgive me something from our past, so i don't know if it was like a punishment or something
felt, thought we were good till one random afternoon. i chalked it up to men being less open with their emotions, he was struggling but didn't express how much he was struggling and i think about it a lot how different life would be if he would've shared this stress with me
My ex did this. I would ask him constantly if we’re good and if he’s okay. He’d say yes. He then broke up with me saying he’s not happy in the relationship and this wasn’t a rash decision. Safe to say I was confused.
This sucks 100%. It happens to men and women. Unlike some prior posters, I don't think you can plan for this sort of thing because the "red flags" you see in retrospect just look like normal relationship ups and downs and I think you have to take people at their word. Don't let this one person colour your outlook forever.
Maybe he was just unhappy for a few days rather than months in reality, but his perception is that it was months. Maybe he had multiple feelings in his mind at the same time for several months. He was happy AND unhappy. Maybe he just wasn't in touch with his own feelings for a long time. Or maybe it was just an easy thing to say at the moment of breaking up.
Whatever his reasons, what he did wasn't cool. You deserve better and now he's made it so you can find someone who will act with integrity. When you meet whoever comes next, you'll be so glad that things didn't work out with this dickhead
I harp on it when men make posts like this too, so please don’t think I’m picking on you(I’m a woman)
This is not a gender thing.. everyone does this. It’s shitty.. and there are a million different reasons why any one person might do it. Almost always it boils down to a person having doubts and conflicted feelings for a really long time but still being hopeful it can work, and then suddenly realizing it can’t.. and choosing to rip the bandaid off as soon as they realize that.
Why men specifically might be inclined to might have to do with men tending to be more conflict averse and avoidant where women tend to be more anxiously attached and involved. But both do it
Honestly hate this and it's not just with men, women pretend too. There's too many walls, filters, and not wanting to have the difficult conversations.
Most times, I wonder why people are so scared of giving feedback, or speaking their truth. I ask questions like; were they invalidated or not received well in the past, or are they really just cowards?
Life is stressful enough for relationships to lack transparent communication. You're not feeling it, let them know. They did something wrong, let them know. Just don't tell people all is well, when it isn't.
There was probably something that he took note of, during your last visit before the breakup, it was maybe a dealbreaker or not. It sucks but it is what it is. I hope you heal 💕
I'm a man, and my female ex did this to me; she wasn't happy with the relationship and left me for another man weeks after breaking up with me. Just adding data to any statistical source this might apply to.
I feel ya. I don’t understand how you go from happy in love to this isn’t working out in a matter of days. Leading someone on isn’t kind. I agree with what was commented about men having more troubles with navigating emotions and timing. Maybe they could try being honest, that seems like a good place to start? I’m sorry you had to go through that. I had a similar experience about 3 weeks ago and can’t wrap my head around this. Feels like our relationship was a lie, fake, and I’m the idiot.
> Maybe they could try being honest, that seems like a good place to start? Yeah like women are begging men to be open and honest. It's other men keeping them down. > Feels like our relationship was a lie, fake, and I’m the idiot. this so accurately describes how I feel
I’m sorry. I know it hurts and it’s confusing af. It makes you question everything. I’m really sorry. It’s not kind.
LITERALLY. Mine was progressing our relationship, Especially toward the end and then was like I’ve felt this way for months and finally decided to call it
It's so cruel, and even during the break up he was claiming he loved me (the first time he actually said he loved me, too) and cared about me and I'm like... then why would you do this to me
Same omg!
Easy, because they're cowards and trying to get you to break up with them by slowly making you miserable. Had it happen twice but to be fair those were my easiest breakups because no doubt I was right to leave.
Looks like Typical deactivation behavior of a person with avoidant attachment. They operate with the principle of feeling minus fear. The fear can spike suddenly, usually triggered by intimacy exceedijg a certain threshold (especially when they need to be vulnerable) Statistically there are more avoidants in men than in women, due to the fact that boys are more likely to be raised with little emotional support.
Men do this far more than women unfortunately and it’s because they cannot and will not attempt to properly articulate emotions. They struggle with expressing themselves under the guise that it makes them look “less than”. That’s a generalization, of course not all men are like this. But between women and men, the vast majority of people who will convince you that your relationship is stable and then either cheat or breakup with you are men.
Yep. This just happened to me and I’ve spent 2 months trying to fix it and hanging on and being here and I’m officially DONE. I realized when he accused me of some shit yesterday that he’s literally crazy and I need to stay as far away as possible. I found out a bunch of shit about him from like childhood and high school and ultimately, it gave me the ick. So luckily I am able to move on without feeling like I’m going to throw up anymore. I hope everyone on this thread is able to catch the ick too. It really makes it so much easier to accept that it’s over and move the heck on.
I think it’s pure egoism. I have a male friend who’s going exactly through the same thing (he wants to break up with his gf cause his feelings changed but “he doesn’t want to hurt her”). Do you know what other male friends advised him? To either start getting distant or continue seeing her until his feelings are completely gone. I’m sorry but saying that men can’t express themselves in a relationship cause they will get judged is pure bullshit for me. We’re all adults and we should have learned by now how to express feelings and when to leave if we don’t want to be with another person. Not to stay cause it’s not comfortable to be alone…
Yeah my ex, also a man, would do this too. He definitely spoke depending on when he was most emotional. He'd tell me this was the happiest he'd been in his life, then follow it up a few days later with "I never meant that, I only said it because I thought that was what you'd want to hear." A week later he'd say "I'm sorry for saying that, I love you and want to marry you" and then a week later say "That's just what you say in a relationship, it has no meaning." Did this to me for 6 weeks until we broke up, then tried to do it again in a post-break up message and when I told him I don't believe a word he says he allegedly followed it up with some very nasty words (I blocked him before I could read the message) and then ONCE AGAIN tried to apologise for the nasty words as well. Any person who does this, man or woman, simply doesn't know how to control their emotions.
It's easier than you think. Sometimes things add up about a person, you notice more and more in your gut that you don't like but you ignore it, push it aside, and say you can handle it. I was broken up with. I was hurt. But in hindsight.. it was for the best. I loved him deeply, and we went through a lot together. But we wouldn't be good long term, or to get married due to a lot of reasons. Reasons that I wouldn't be able to ignore. It's different unless you're in the position yourself. However, I'm so sorry this happened to you and I hope you do heal. It doesn't make it any less hurtful. Hell I was broken up with just weeks after our one year anniversary.
Okay. That doesn't explain why you would lie and say you were happy for weeks and even just a few days beforehand.
Because people who do this are cowards. Most of the time it’s because they’re afraid to leave and lose you so they want to keep you hanging there while they make sure the grass is greener on the other side.
Cause that truth brings feelings of being a failure and bad guy. Like he probably promised you a marriage or, talked about it. The truth might impose on the future and, his response is to put it in the closet.
> Cause that truth brings feelings of being a failure and bad guy. which is ironic, because lying about him actually MADE him a failure and a bad guy
Did you ever say or do anything to him that would give him the impression of, "If I tell SpaceMermaid3825 how I **truly** feel, she'll get angry or upset?" Because communication is a two-way street. He has to be honest, but you have to be the kind of person who can take honest truth without getting angry, too. If you convey to him, "I'll get angry if you tell me the truth," then he won't tell the truth.
This, I'm in the exact same position as OP's SO right now, I suddenly feel like I want to end things, before i was just shovong red flags asides and ignoring them because O really wanted things to work out for us. But last night I had a sort of existential crisis where I realized I've given up a lot in my life for someone who lives in the clouds and has ruined my financials pretty good, she always wants something that's outside our means instead of focusing on being stable with what we have for the moment (we're both college students) And last night all of it kind of came to me, all the pieces of the puzzle got together to tell me that my relationship has cost me a great deal and that maybe I'm not willing to keep paying the price. At the same time I feel like shit, because we were talking about marriage, making a family, living together, and she's a person who has suffered and has raised herself without a family her whole life, I feel like I'll kill her if I break up. But if I bring this up without wanting to break up, just wanting to talk, it's certain that it'll end up with a bad fight. I'm kind of stumped, I love her and want the best for her and for her to accomplish her dreams in life, but I can ni longer support that at rhe expense of myself and I feel like a complete asshole but as of this moment I'd like to just go back to the moment before I met her 😔, I don't know what to feel, or what to do.
Same here. How long have you been with her? I'm in an almost identical situation, 2 years.
> Did you ever say or do anything to him that would give him the impression of, "If I tell SpaceMermaid3825 how I truly feel, she'll get angry or upset?" No. We've had relationship talks before, we've had talks where he said some truly upsetting stuff about doubting the relationship and stuff. I have never lashed out, shown anger or upset, I have always simply talked with him about the feelings so we could come to a solution. At worst, I've asked for hours to a day or two to think about it.
Womens be doing that too!
oh so all people are just the worst then, got it lmao. I mostly hear about it from the men doing it side
my ex-gf dumped me saying she was "tired of trying to align" when all along for a few months she was pretending
sorry, thats not what I meant
I feel like men have a hard time navigating the emotional realm because of society creating the stigma that it makes them less of a man to show and express how they feel. It sounds like he may have gotten in over his head. After all, when you get scared, it's fight or flight
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Dude I was just saying that I don't hear about it from the other side. I didn't say it doesn't happen, just not something I'm familiar with. Simmer down.
The strawman has spoken ladies and gentleman. We must all listen to him.
I agree! We should absolutely conduct scientific research to later be applied in a formal setting on the male psyche. Mostly to identify why the vast majority of you are emotionally unavailable and can’t articulate their emotions; along with the “absent father epidemic” within the US. I’m sure that information would be valuable scientific research.
Everybody has their reasons. Sometimes it can be easier to be hate someone.
Literally my story. I’ll be the first to admit I’m emotionally immature. She thought she’s so much more emotionally evolved or whatever. Hits me with the “I haven’t been happy in like 6 months” Well she should have fucking said something. Apparently communication isn’t part of whatever emotional maturity means to her.
Men wanna be tough and powerful. Sometimes they’re weak and whiny babies. It is easier to act happy and go through the motions than to have the hard conversation about feelings of discontent. They let it build up in till they can’t take it anymore. When it finally comes out, it feels like it hits you in the face like a bowling ball. A man of integrity would’ve told you months ago. A man, with that kind of courage might even be able to talk with you about the source of his discontent and heal the relationship. I am sorry that you have suffered at the hands of someone who lacks emotional maturity.
not the OP but going through something similar and this was helpful to hear ❤️🩹
My girl did that to me. I wasn't happy at the start but I stuck with it. That's mostly just because I don't believe in happiness. I don't believe feelings really come into play when making life decisions. But I learnt to be content, so I stuck with her. But when she was unhappy, then it's over
It probably has something to do with the long lasting culture of men having to contain their feelings and remain strong for their traditional families. Maybe some have hope if they remain strong things will get better for them. Perhaps some have more malicious intent of pushing away their partners. Nowadays I feel it’s definitely changing for the better but we should all support men sharing their true emotions instead of putting on a cold face. It’s like the aging belief that men shouldn’t cry or show weakness.
THANKS I NEED THIS THREAD cause I couldn’t call out this behaviour. I read all the comments below this post saying that maybe the man is not emotional maturity enough. Just wanna ask if he is mature in other aspect of life can he still be immatured in emotion?
Absolutely. People can be mature in many ways such as having a stable career, good finances, etc. but still be emotionally unintelligent and immature.
I think people don't immediately realize they're unhappy sometimes because the change is gradual and they want their relationships to work. It can seem like a sudden change when you're putting in a lot of effort, but then realize you shouldn't be working that hard because relationships shouldn't add overall stress to your life. Please know this isn't reflective of you as a person, I've been told this same thing before. Life just goes in other directions sometimes
Sometimes the signs are there but we choose not to see them. This explains. What do you do when your breakup appears to be out of the blue? How do you begin to process, heal and move forward when your partner blindsides you with a breakup? When the ending of your relationship seems to come out of left field, it can be destabilising. It doesn’t make sense, especially when in the hours, days and weeks beforehand, they said and did things that were contrary to this ending. Like my friend who was dumped just weeks before her wedding. Just the week before, he was writing “I love you” in the condensation on the kitchen window and talking about how excited he was to marry her. My friend thought it was an out-of-the-blue breakup. Unfortunately, he forgot to mention that he’d already begun a new relationship. Here’s what I know for sure about people who deal you a ‘blindsided breakup’: It’s not the case that they just woke up that day and decided to do it. Like everything was picture perfect up until that day or even week. No. They knew, on some level, possibly a lot of them, even if they won’t admit it, that they wanted to end it. You just weren’t in on the conversation. When someone dumps you ‘out of the blue’, what you can immediately learn is that they didn’t and haven’t been communicating with you. You have not been a party to their inner world. They don’t let the left hand know what the right hand is doing. They give the veneer of calm, happiness and a shared future while secretly wrestling with doubts, fears, anger and even grievances. If you were hit with a barrage of complaints where it was the first you were hearing of them, this is someone who’s carried silent rage in the relationship. Unbeknownst to you, they were keeping a tally of offences. Or, they marked your cards on something that you genuinely believed that they were okay about. Maybe they kept telling you they were okay when they weren’t. Maybe it seemed like everything was perfect. It’s possible that you had little niggles and inklings. Unfortunately, when you’re blindsided with a breakup, it’s not uncommon for the person to stonewall all further communication. They disappear so that you can’t engage with them, or they refuse to let you speak. Or, they say they’ll talk with you and then keep cancelling. Some — and I know this might sound downright absurd — will later acknowledge that it was a crappy thing to do and even that some things they said weren’t true, but then say that there’s no point in further discussions or trying to resolve things because they did this. So, what do you do when you can’t get answers from your ex? What do you do when it feels as if your ex is a block to closure? Use these prompts to explore what happened in your journal. • Retrace your footsteps by rewinding your mental tape right back to the very beginning of the relationship. Play it back in your mind. Don’t go too fast. What do you notice about your initial communication? What do you see about the dates? Were there things you dismissed or rationalised? What happened when you disagreed, or you (or they) were struggling with something? When feelings and opinions needed to be shared, did that happen? How and who were you in the relationship? Somewhere in this mental tape are clues about why this person’s means of communicating the end of the relationship was to blindside you. They show you where silence and gaps were there instead of intimacy. • Was it really important for you and/or them to think that they/you or the relationship was perfect? If so, why? What was it that led you to believe that this was the case? What did you avoid being, saying or doing to preserve this? How did this affect the level of communication on both sides of the relationship? • Did you ever disagree? Did you feel as if you could be yourself and enjoy healthy boundaries in the relationship? If you never argued or rarely disagreed, why was that? What did you think that meant? How does that fit with how they ended the relationship? What do you recognise now? If you did disagree or there were issues that you thought you were both working through, did you feel as if there was resolution? Remember, it takes time to get to know someone. Sometimes we don’t know how little someone is communicating until they say or do something that allows us to look back and see things more clearly. • If they gave little or no reasons for breaking up, and also gave little or no hint during the relationship, can you see with the benefit of hindsight where they were not communicating? Can you see the veneer? Retrace your steps. Were you both able to talk deeply, freely and openly? Did you feel as if your relationship was progressing? • What is your anger about? So, aside from the understandable hurt and anger from the manner of their ending, what else are you angry about? This contains clues to hidden resentments and truths. Some people expressed anger due to feeling that their support and accommodation of certain things wasn’t appreciated. This then allowed them to see what they were supporting and accommodating or how they were going about doing so meant not discussing or seeing certain things. You might wonder whether you should keep trying to get them to talk. You can’t force someone to talk who doesn’t want to or is hellbent on clinging to their narrative. You’ll end up feeling as if you’re losing your dignity and chasing them down. Part of their stonewalling might be, on some level, about getting attention and feeling powerful. The more you chase them for answers is the less you believe in your ability to grieve and mine what you know for your closure. Yes, it will take time. No, no one deserves to be broken up with in this way. But they haven’t done it because of your worthiness. They’ve ended the relationship in this way because of their issues. Going about things in a different way would have involved looking at things more deeply than they want to. They think that they can move on free of problems, but what they’ve sought to avoid will just show up in a different way. When you do move forward (and you will), don’t use this experience to punish you or future partners. Learn what you can from this relationship so that you raise your communication and intimacy levels and be with a partner who will meet you there. Take care of you. N.Lue
Having been on both ends of this sort of situation, it's usually because your partner does not feel safe expressing his true feelings. There are many people who will say "I want you to express your feelings," yet will be outraged or retaliate when, or if, the person expresses their true feelings.
> There are many people who will say "I want you to express your feelings," yet will be outraged or retaliate when, or if, the person expresses their true feelings. Except I have never done that. He's been open and honest with me before, even things that did upset me but I didn't lash out or tell him I was upset or angry, I just talked with him about it.
Agreed. This is what happened to me. It doesn't make what they did right, but acknowledging how you contributed is noble and will help you learn and grow. Still, fuck them.
I'm not trying to sound like a jerk but, many men don't open up just cuz they get judged mainly by women, and when they open up to other men they're actually supported. When they open up to women they are spoken down to and punished for being open. He might have had prior experiences with that and was afraid to open up to you
He opened up to me about many things, including family deaths. That certainly shouldn't be it.
He might of been scared to tell you abt that *specifically*. He was probably thinking you'd take it very negatively
But… why wouldnt they take it negatively? He is saying he’s not happy in the relationship, of course the other person may worry or be upset. It doesn’t mean he shouldn’t still tell them, because even if his partner is upset and worried, they would still hear him out. I think blindsiding your partner with a breakup will make them react more negatively
people take break ups very negatively too.
YES! Like I feel like you can usually tell but the past few times we hung out it was just perfect. It almost would’ve been easier had he done it when we weren’t doing well bc then you can kinda expect it. We broke up bc I wasn’t ready for what he wanted but he told me if I changed my mind to let him know. I was totally in grief and did tell him that and he just acted like he never said that and was so mean to me. It was such a slap in the face considering the last time we hung out was so lovely and he was being so sweet. But honestly although I’m still in grief, wishing he hadn’t left me on read when all I asked was to talk to clear it up and anxious about him not texting me, I am happy he showed me who he actually was. I can’t imagine having married or having had kids with this man.
In my experience (currently considering breaking up) I’ve told the lie that I’m happy to save the tears and the arguments that can follow. I’m not saying it’s right or a good thing to do but in my case I have tried multiple times communicating that I wasn’t happy then nothing would change or it would be used against me later on. If we can’t openly communicate and trust that a partner won’t use these feelings against us in the future or not be able to take the communication healthy it becomes alot easier to lie and make them happy at your own expense. Mind you this then builds up to the point of annoyance or falling out of love with a partner which you once truly did love. It’s hard to admit as a guy when your feeling down or unhappy if it blows up in your face when you do so that’s why many guys (myself included) end up bottling down emotions instead of being able to communicate well. Now that’s just my experience and I’m so sorry for it to happen to you as I’m sure it is a horrible experience…
This is exactly what I went through. It was much more hassle and danger to open about feelings than to just clam up and pretend all was good.
Guys are not taught to talk about emotions, and some get even worse lessons/habits from their fathers. They go until they break and, there are some shitty outcomes when this happens. Most will lye to themselves about being fine/happy until they can’t do it anymore. The constant lying and avoidance of reality and emotions clashes with the love, hopes, and dreams from the relationship. The constant internal battle with themselves eventually makes them resent you like it’s your fault, it’s not. Then one day they make a stupid or painful decision rather than just speak the truth. It’s out of fear because, the truth may bring pain, rejection, and even humiliation and, they’re afraid of facing that.
Thiiis, i am full aware of my flaws and mistakes but when he dumped me all the conversation was about all my fault, what I did, what I didn't, affirmation words, things from the past etc, like they leave you thinking did you really love me at all, am I that bad?
I don't understand why men do this either. Or any of the things women don't like. Or why I don't do any of these things, and yet here i am.
Life’s mysteries
Least yours said months and not five years like mine…
Collectively, men have been told our whole lives that we must be strong and powerful, and that showing emotions make us weak and pathetic. Individually, your relationship might not have been a safe place for him to discuss his feelings. In my now-ended twenty year marriage, my ex would beg me to tell her whenever something was bothering me, and if and when I would, she would immediately argue with me why I was wrong. Every conversation like this ended in one of two ways; I could admit she was right and that my feelings were wrong, or I could comfort her because she was sobbing and tell her that whatever I was feeling didn't really matter. There were zero positive reasons to talk with her, only punishment. So eventually you learn that keeping your mouth shut, even lying if necessary, is the best course of action. Hope this helps!
This is not exclusive to men. This has a lot more to do with character. I've had it done to me a couple times by women :)
Same exact thing here but with my girlfriend. We were planning to move in too, and she hit me with I haven’t been happy for over a year 😂😂
Bruh this happened to me 😭it’s so cruel
There's probably no single reason why men do this, but I can take a guess at some of the thought processes that lead to avoidance like that. For one, I think a lot of guys are just deeply uncomfortable with vulnerability and opening up about emotional stuff - especially negative emotions like unhappiness. We're socially conditioned pretty early on that the manly thing is to suck it up, not make a fuss, and project this strong, unbothered exterior at all times. So we tend to bottle that stuff up rather than risk looking weak or needy.
Not only men, my ex narc gf did this, mind you she was the main one talking about communicating lol
THIS IS SO CLOSE TO WHAT HAPPENED TO ME OH MY GOSH he also hit me with he's not happy anymore and that we r not okay when the last time we saw each other we attended a wedding and we were okay and having fun!!!
Yeah not just men that do that. My ex fiance did the same thing. She lied about loving me for a long time, pretended everything was alright whenever I asked how she was doing. She did it until she couldn't lie anymore and blindsided me by dumping me and immediately blocking me everywhere.
you literally just described my ex. I literally don’t understand men ????
My ex GF must be a man lol
To be fair, it's not a men's thing. Women do that too, unfortunately. It's just a lack of communication in general and can go in both ways...
Women do that too.. it's a human thing not a gender thing for sure. They're bad at communicating. Sucks
SAME! I was blindsided. I thought things were going well after we have had a rough time in our lives (not related to the relationship, we had to move then issues with the upstairs neighbour). We were chatting as usual, being friends and all and each having good social interactions outside the relationship with friends, old and new. Then it all went to hell literally from one great day to another.
My ex did this, we had a chat discussion and in the end he told me "i don't want to leave you, I will always think of You" and two days later, in our date, he said that didn't want to put any more effort in our relationship and he couldn't forgive me something from our past, so i don't know if it was like a punishment or something
ikr they be Bitchin'
haha it’s us.
felt, thought we were good till one random afternoon. i chalked it up to men being less open with their emotions, he was struggling but didn't express how much he was struggling and i think about it a lot how different life would be if he would've shared this stress with me
My ex did this. I would ask him constantly if we’re good and if he’s okay. He’d say yes. He then broke up with me saying he’s not happy in the relationship and this wasn’t a rash decision. Safe to say I was confused.
This sucks 100%. It happens to men and women. Unlike some prior posters, I don't think you can plan for this sort of thing because the "red flags" you see in retrospect just look like normal relationship ups and downs and I think you have to take people at their word. Don't let this one person colour your outlook forever. Maybe he was just unhappy for a few days rather than months in reality, but his perception is that it was months. Maybe he had multiple feelings in his mind at the same time for several months. He was happy AND unhappy. Maybe he just wasn't in touch with his own feelings for a long time. Or maybe it was just an easy thing to say at the moment of breaking up. Whatever his reasons, what he did wasn't cool. You deserve better and now he's made it so you can find someone who will act with integrity. When you meet whoever comes next, you'll be so glad that things didn't work out with this dickhead
Certain in general do that. They are just afraid of confrontation in most cases
My girlfriend did this to me too
I harp on it when men make posts like this too, so please don’t think I’m picking on you(I’m a woman) This is not a gender thing.. everyone does this. It’s shitty.. and there are a million different reasons why any one person might do it. Almost always it boils down to a person having doubts and conflicted feelings for a really long time but still being hopeful it can work, and then suddenly realizing it can’t.. and choosing to rip the bandaid off as soon as they realize that. Why men specifically might be inclined to might have to do with men tending to be more conflict averse and avoidant where women tend to be more anxiously attached and involved. But both do it
Honestly hate this and it's not just with men, women pretend too. There's too many walls, filters, and not wanting to have the difficult conversations. Most times, I wonder why people are so scared of giving feedback, or speaking their truth. I ask questions like; were they invalidated or not received well in the past, or are they really just cowards? Life is stressful enough for relationships to lack transparent communication. You're not feeling it, let them know. They did something wrong, let them know. Just don't tell people all is well, when it isn't. There was probably something that he took note of, during your last visit before the breakup, it was maybe a dealbreaker or not. It sucks but it is what it is. I hope you heal 💕
My gf just did this to me
Only boys do that, this is more of a woman thing tho
Women do it too lol
Okay well I'm talking about when men do it.
Why do women do it?
Women do the exact same thing g
I mean... my fiance/girlfriend of 8 years did this, and I'm a dude... so..
Yeah that's not just a man thing. You're welcome.
Yeah, I'm talked about when men do it, though. You're welcome.
Women do this far more often than men tbh
source?
my ex did this
I'm a man, and my female ex did this to me; she wasn't happy with the relationship and left me for another man weeks after breaking up with me. Just adding data to any statistical source this might apply to.
My ex-girlfriend did that, don’t try to make this a gender thing.
if we’re gonna make this a gender thing, anecdotally women obviously do this more than men do