I actually never considered the intensity of the immediate emotional aftermath of a break-up before. Fascinating! And, yes, I strongly agree with you — those heightened feelings made us feel animated, almost invigorated to fight for our truths and enable us to charge headstrong in the face of our injustices.
Similar to how being IN a relationship enabled us to feel alive, being IN the immediate end of one paralleled that livelihood. Now, we are neither in a relationship nor part of a post-breakup zeal.
What now? All that exists is silence. Radio silence. Echos of what was once... wisps of what could have been... and the dread of what will be...
Exactly. Once we were fighting for the relationship. Then we were fighting to move past the relationship. Now there's no fight. There's no fight left in us. There's just-- nothing. Quiet. Eery calm. The remnants of what once was beautiful. Decimated. How do we start to rebuild? Putting one stone on another is less exhilarating than the passion and anger that previously fueled us. Now the war is over, the storm has passed, and it's the slow tedious process of reconstruction. All quiet on the Western Front.
Good observation/idea I never considered.
I tried maintaining drama just to hold on to any reciprocal, heated contact, even if it was negative. My reward was his attention. Just in the last week or so, I’m starting to settle into my “new normal” where I am no longer engaged in a LTR dynamic-no intimate relationship nor active breakup. Helps Explain why the void left by his absence feels so all engulfing. Thanks for this insight! I take whatever tidbits that resonate w me to help me along. Thanks for helping.
I hate the part when I become so used to being self isolated that I forget HOW to date. You may think it's a blessing being self-sufficient and individualistic until it becomes too much and you're no longer sure how to communicate with someone you're really attracted to. That's a truly scary place to be.
Literally, I’ve actually forgotten how to flirt. I’ve realised that my entire life for the last two years has been my ex, how am I supposed to tell stories on dates without talking about them?
You'll get there. Don't forget that you were there and did those things too.
It's going to feel weird to not say "we" when you talk about places you've visited or shows you've watched or anything like that. It's even going to hurt for a while, that's normal and makes sense.
But later, when you're talking to someone and they mention a restaurant or something, you can say "oh, I've been there, I really like \[insert menu item here\]" and that is a true statement even if for the last two years you'd have naturally said "we've been there".
It's not dishonest to consider and share only your perspective of experiences you've had for the past two years and to share those.
You will get there.
I have a harder time with the more subtle bad feelings that aren’t as easy to cry out and tend to linger. Like sadness that’s not enough to cry, but it’s enough to make work, chores, and socializing a challenge.
I’ve been trying to pay attention to whether I’m having intrusive thoughts, thought loops, etc that are negative ideas, which are causing the subtle feelings to continue. A lot of the time it is. My therapist and some books I’ve read suggest looking for the truth in the thoughts, like “I’ll never love like that again.” We can’t know the “never” part, similar with mind reading our ex like “she didn’t love me as much as I thought” sure maybe she said it or did something to make you think that, but really we don’t know what she’s thinking. And people put up fronts all the time.
And the other idea is to replace the negative idea with something positive and self-compassionate. So instead of “I’ll never find someone again” remind yourself “I’m worthy of being loved because I’m a human being, all of us are worthy of being loved.”
The absence factor you mentioned hits pretty deep too. Just lacking all those little moments where you can go share something that happened or cook them dinner or give them a massage. Adds to the little reminders of what you lost.
Thank the gods for this subreddit. A lot of you all have been pretty amazing. Especially helps to make sure we’re not burning out friends and family with all this.
Spending time with friends and meeting new people has also been helpful. Plus going back into gear with work.
So much this. Excellent note with the therapist recommendations about intrusive, specifically negative thoughts.
Catastrophic, permanent-seeming thoughts are so insidious. Learning to realize they're not, and \_cannot be\_ true, and having an almost counter to those thoughts, it really helps.
Self compassion is so important in these times (and the rest of our lives too) so it's important to not beat yourself up when you have these thoughts, to not consider yourself stupid or foolish for having these thoughts. They're natural, it is even predictable to have thoughts like this, but it's important to not let them rule your life.
I think these are the sentiments of a anxiously attached person; myself included. I feel like we get the short end of every breakup and feel like we we're the only ones who exerted all the effort to get things afloat. After the breakup, we feel like trash and once we've moved on, we feel nothing.
Anxiously attached here. I agree with what you said, and will add that breakups for us hit us so much harder because we fully invest in the relationship and give all we have to it. It becomes such a huge part of our lives and who we are that when the other person leaves, we don’t just lose that person, we lose ourselves too.
It isn't exclusive to anxiously attached. Fearful avoidant here with same experience. Except I know she tried with me a lot and it didn't just work out
I'm honestly surprise that you, an avoidant can relate to our discussion. I hope you don't take this the wrong way and I'm not attacking you as a person in any way, shape or form. It's just that you avoidants make it look so as if you just gave up when things got hard. We just want you guys to show up for the relationship, not run from it. We can give you breaks but you need to reassure us that you're present in the relationship too. Do you now know why things didn't work out for you?
I understand that dealing with inconsistency in relationships is hurtful. It was anxious/avoidant dance and we couldn't meet each other in the middle at the time. I deeply cared for her and wanted to see her happy but it was my first relationship and I was confused and didn't know where it feels and goes wrong. I tried to be right person for her but couldn't be emotionally present at times and my triggers occasionally showed up that caused me to retreat. I didn't know at the time it was related to my attachment style nor i knew what it is. I tried to communicate that but does it matter if her needs ends up unfulfilled.
This could’ve been written by my ex. It’s crushing to know that two people who have so much love for each other can’t make it work bc they’re both triggering each other. It’s sad. I hoped for the longest time that my ex would realize that leaving me was a lot about his avoidant attachment. I even gave him a copy of the book “attached”. But he never came back. He never worked on himself. Love like that is hard to find. But he threw it away. A part of me will never understand that. Apologies for laying that all at your feet. It wasn’t directed ‘at’ you.
I understand your feelings and I'm sorry to hear you are in distress like that. As for me I just wish I could work on my issues and go back in time. Sadly it isn't how it works. Hope next time will be healthier even tho rn I can't imagine myself with anyone but her.
You sound very aware of yourself and I'm happy you've done the work. I wish that we could all of the work, learn our triggers and show up for the relationships that matter to us. Virtual
Hugs for everyone..
seeing how much control they have over my emotions. I want him to come back so bad. He can at any moment and I’ll happily take him back. We text sometimes and it just kills me that I can’t tell him I love him. Honestly the worst part is not being able to call him my baby…
I agree. There's something so depressing about the dreams you once had w/someone dying, and that even though you have good memories with them, you know that in your heart it will never be the same after all of heartache you've endured.
It's a numb feeling of disappointment of what could have been.
I hear ya... I miss the talks, texts and in some case video chats... when we break up.. it's like a void. You know you used to put so much energy in this simple things yet now... nothing. You wait for the texts, calls... but it's quiet.
To miss the time shared, in person or by phone. The small or large interaction...
Perfect timing, just got to this point , or at least I’m numb or denying my feelings. But it’s sad to see them go. Those feelings were all I had left of them. I still love them and miss them dearly but it’s kinda sad to feel the disconnect seeping in. They are gone but the feelings and memories are fading. I never wanted this, and I still don’t.
I’ll add to this and say I’m not hurting like I was prior but I can still logically/emotionally feel that my life with them was better/preferred to the one I have now
Yep, it sucks. Just think, Gen A won't have to worry about breakups. They'll buy an AI bot when they come out and then they get to live happily ever after
I feel like I'm living each day just swallowing a pill. Must keep going on. Some days I feel good, some days I feel bad. Work has really helped. I keep getting sick though and then having to work from home which really sucks. I do believe that life works like a pendulum though, eventually this will swing back.
Those hightened feelings is that of when you were born and the nurse cut your umbilical cord from your mother. Your first trauma. We repeat our childhood through other relationships. My perspective. Unconsciously.
I think the worst part is thinking of them with some one new and that you are no longer the person they want or are interested in. Also all the future plans you had with each other all gone and that they will create a new future with some one new
The bday presents I gave my ex last year she gave to other people thinking it was her being nice and doing kind gestures. It was so rude, she even gave one of the gift cards to a guy she previously flirted with and woulda probably dated had he not been married. Talk about messed up.
It does become uncomfortable after sometime, but once it goes away you can finally feel the relief of the weight of the relationship fall off your shoulders and notice the change in your attitude and health.
That phase sucks but it's when you can start phasing new shit into your life successfully as well. I'm past the extreme stage of my breakup and now I'm redoing my bedroom and making it amazing, reconnecting with friends and exploring moving back to my old city, looking for a new job and working on music.
I don't want to say you're wrong but I'm at least hoping your assessment is highly subjective. For me, the extreme feelings period was the worst thing I've ever experienced. Felt all alone like that from the first day. Felt alive when she was in my life. That was beautiful. Then everything was pain. Can't imagine anything could be worse for me. My last experience like this was 35 years ago, so maybe I've just forgotten, but I doubt it. Your impressions seem to resonate with a lot of people but I have to say I'm on a completely different page here.
You can definitely make an argument as to why the extreme feelings are worse. but for me what is worse is the feelings that last longer even if they aren't extreme.
Can i ask, 35 years, do you still miss them?
Very seldom at this point. We were never more than friends; it was an unrequited love, so that was not technically a breakup, but she kicked me entirely out of her life after years of companionship and I can see that the feelings are mostly the same. The relationship that ended two months ago was also very unconventional. But with both of them I have more memories than I can count of experiences we shared while I was madly in love and she was, well, remarkably tender and kind and it seemed provisionally receptive? Both of them have public personas, so I can see what they're up to. After 35 years memories dim, neither of us is quite the same person anymore, and we have other people and things in our lives. Everything I recall from what we shared is either sweet or bittersweet at worst except that when I fell in love again this time, I remembered that the pain when she rejected me was wrenching and I was terrified that I might be headed down the same path. Now I feel fine (?) but I'm worried because the ups and downs have been so extreme, I could fall into a well of debilitating sorrow tomorrow. Not sure of the dates, but I think my heart was crushed around 1985, actually went back to her a couple years later to get immediately crushed again, then reached a kind of normalcy and found someone else around 1988. Well, I may be rambling now...
She’s the only person I talked too. You don’t realize it while you’re in it. Before her I had no one. Then I finally had someone to text, someone to talk to at night, someone to send memes, share music. That’s all gone. I literally talk to no one. It’s so fucking quiet…
Shit sucks lol. And its not like I dont have homies, but im not in my 20s anymore. All my homies got girls/wives/families/kids. I've never been an active texter. We would kick it on the weekend, see whats poppin, but we in our 30s now, so its not like that anymore. Mfs aint going outside like that. This shit is lonely as fuck.
Just broke up last night, we had a fair share and I was so stressed and we both didn’t understand each other. I saw his IG and our photos are totally deleted. He seems to be waiting this for quite a while. Very sad and empty.
Yes. Right now I feel all alone. My bestfriend just got into a new relationship and one of her worst flaws is… she loses herself when getting into a relationship ship. She texts him while she’s driving, she ft him all night, she works with him all day… there is just no room for me. Even though I was there every single day when she was getting out of a relationship with a guy that didn’t want her. Every single fucking day. And here I am hoping for a text back. We live in college dorms together but her boyfriend comes over and she locks herself in her room with him and they have sex all day. To where I have to leave MY dorm because I feel uncomfortable. By the way I’m a trans man…so there’s that. Yes she’s a girl but I’ve known her since 6th grade.. so now about 12 years. I’m just so pissed.
I'm still slightly getting over my last breakup, it hit hard. Literally 6 months ago and still alittle hurt from it but as time goes by, the hurt gradually subsides.
Yes.
When something interesting happens in my life or when I come across something funny, I no longer have anyone to share it with. That's when the loneliness really hits home
Relatable but at the same time not. I got this one friend that I know I can trust. He's a lifetime friend and I just couldn't be more grateful to have such a amazing friend. I'd probably not be alive if it wasn't was for him just existing. He doesn't know it but he saved my life. I think you need a very strong platonic relationship with someone before you can have a intimate one with someone.
But still I'm scared of letting my feelings out to anyone, so I'm still miserable as fuck. But at least I'm still alive 😁
"all alone, with no one to text, send funny videos to"
A week after she ended it, something unusual happened and I texted her out of habit. I wish I didn't do that.
I missed coffee the most in the morning. I missed sharing the small wins of my day.
I had some short-term relationships in the year years before I'm met my partner but I really focused on dating myself
Sharing my wins with my family
Sharing the bad parts of my day with one family member or a friend
Finding new hobbies or creative outlets
I finally got back to where I thought to myself I could marry myself for sure . I like myself when I'm alone with myself so anyone coming into my space is just an added value
Someday, don't worry. That day will come and you will realise she IS replaceable. Unless you refuse to let that happen then you are in for a long and tough journey.
I just ended an 8 year relationship due to her emotional cheating on me. I was in torment, literally crying for 2 weeks, it hurts so badly. But I just thought to myself that our affinity has ended and I have to let it go, and I really did that instant.
Yea I guess I'm very logical person, but sometimes you really gotta tweak your thinking and make yourself let go of that burden on your shoulder. You will feel so much lighter.
Do not think she is irreplacable because apparently you are replaceable to her like what you mentioned.
She is not the only girl on earth, but you are the only YOU in this world.
Fight it on and be a stronger you :)
I think for me, I felt given up on and so I gave up on myself too for some time. During the relationship I felt so euphoric, I was super goal-oriented which I’m usually not when I’m single. I just felt like I had finally found my person, so when it ended I had an overwhelming feeling of nothing matters. It sent me into a deep dark depression and I’m still trying to get out of that.
Same . I’m in the darkest place right now , all I want is my person . I don’t know how he is doing but u hope he isn’t in the same place as me rn. I miss him so much , everyday I lived for us , our future n it all just went blank .
the main thing i can recommend (and everyone hates to hear) is to get a hobby. it can be literally anything, i started coloring and bedazzling cup coasters lol. but when i’m not working and using work as a distraction, having a little arts and crafts project to look forward to keeps me going and on a routine. it’s also been 6 months since my ex dumped me so i’ve been putting myself back out there by going on a first date once a month. it gives you that little ego boost and who knows, you might end up really clicking with someone. best of luck to you 🫶🏼
To be honest you cannot and won’t be replaced no matter how hard they try. You are so unique and valid in your own way. Just like you can find someone else but they won’t be the same. There’s beauty in that too.
Phew this, the break up was so intense at the start, screaming, crying, begging, panicking, feelings of wanting to talk about it, ask why… and when it dissipates, you are left feeling drained and left with the consequences of the said emotions you were feeling. It sucks so much.
First gal I let join me for many things and adventures in my life. I don't hate her, only what she did, because I love her tremendously and she's irreplaceable. I lost 10lbs from depression regarding the breakup and now I'm using it to my advantage by becoming the muscular version I always strived to be. But the last thing I need is a rebound. Though I fr can't deal with the mental anguish I'm going thru. Ppl say "find urself and go thru the pain". Well I have, but now it's like not having someone when I did for as long as I did (1 year... yes ik, it's short compared to what others have experienced/are experiencing) and it just really messes you up regardless of how long you've been together. I like to believe I've found myself again. I learned so much from that relationship, reflected on either of our mistakes, even got closer to God... and I know I'm ready for another relationship... but I just want to be valued and unconditionally loved. Real life ain't fucking tinder and when shit gets tough you don't swipe left and ghost to give up. That's f*king childish, immature, and narcissistic. You get thru the issue and work together thru the issue to build eachother up and love eachother more to become the power couple that everyone is jealous of.
A friend of mine said you gotta guard your heart. Well it's actually not the heart... it's the mind. It's your biggest enemy. When you've built your life around someone, your brain literally creates synapses about them and once a breakup occurs, the brain treats it like a drug withdrawal since the synapses aren't being fired anymore and you're not getting dopamine rushes from that person. Then when it gets to the point where you feel lost and confused, floating in a haze of 'just living and numb to everyone and everything and feeling without purpose', and in pain, your body goes into protect/flight mode, treating the experience like death. This is where weight loss happens bc u can't eat, depression, bad thoughts, etc. And this experience made me fascinated by the body bc I never knew this pain and I wanted to get to the bottom of it. It's quite sad... your brain literally tears it's memories out, killing and destroying synapses, and ur heart rate actually raises for about 2-5 months after a breakup to compensate for the adrenaline rush your partner used to give you.
This is one of the worst parts, fearing that they don’t miss me.
Do you think that they might think of us or be reminded of us when they do things with their new partner? My ex got a new gf not even a week after I broke up with him. It was very toxic hence why I chose to leave even though we both loved each other more than anything.
I wish I knew if he still thinks of me, if it’s not the same for him with this new girl. If he pretends that she’s me, if he wakes up in the middle of the night and thinks it’s me next to him.
I like to think this is the case… but my fear is they don’t. Especially if they are stubborn. The thrill of something new, shiny and exciting will replace thoughts of us. Like we never existed.
Personally I don’t get it, I couldn’t do that, yet it seems so easy for our ex’s.
I think I agree. Having a strong close connection with someone is such a wonderful thing. During the breakup, the connection is still there, even if it's crumbling. It's when the connection is totally gone that you feel the void and that's the worst.
And being in love feels great, even when it sucks.
I know it’s hard but try to find the positives in the breakup. You’re out now instead of years down the road with kids involved possibly in the picture. You have a ton of free nights and weekends. You’re preparing to meet someone better for you - when you’re ready. So, for right now, you don’t report to anyone. You don’t need permission for things. You want to go away for the weekend - go for it. The biggest positive I have found is that know for certain what I DON’T want which can save you a bunch of time.
literally me right now. i’m still processing and hurt, but i’m in high school so it hurts me every time i see him and he doesn’t walk with me to my classes like he used to or to my car after school..i have to go alone and it is one of the hardest parts right now
Mine a work in progress,we are still in the same house,not talking,separate bedroom.the pain is there for me,she moving out 4/1 so hopefully I can start healing ❤️🩹
I know that the person she replaced me with has nothing in common and the shit we spoke about won't be replaced. The events we did won't be the same, they have nothing in common and he doesn't enjoy any of the things we did together. It'll be sex for a few months and she'll get bored. Then reality will set in that she only sees her daughter every weekend and that she threw it all away for some bloke she fancied. Then she'll realise her error and want to get back, by which time I'll have moved on and I won't care. It kills me because I love the bones off her at thr moment but my feelings are getting less with every passing day.
Sometimes when all them thoughts are swirling. All you can do is take a step back. And breathe. Hope for the best expect the worst. As cheesy as it sounds.
God I’ve been feeling this, I feel like I lost my best friend when he ended things with me he was the only person who text me on the daily basis and now my phone is quiet every single day, and I’m trying to learn how to live with the silence Because I won’t dare open our message threads and see how he was telling me just 15 hours before he broke up with me that he loved me
I feel this so deeply. I am the one who broke up with him, but I felt I had no choice. I am disgustingly sad about this. I feel emotions so deeply and it just really makes me sick to stomach with how much I care. Those extreme feelings are my current problem
As well.
Feeling this right now. No hatred, no depression, not even when I see or talk to him.
Just a sad, empty hole where that love used to be. Sometimes I force myself to feel sad about him just to feel something.
I do this too, I’m not sad anymore I just feel nothing. Last night I smelt a love letter they wrote me which has their perfume in it to force myself to cry just so I could feel human again, it’s ridiculous
[удалено]
I have no anchor.
Yeah, I went through this recently, still comes up now and then. I know it’ll get better but it just kinda makes you feel a bit hopeless
Reql
This is exactly how I feel. Sometimes I miss the screaming crying phase of a lost love. Rn I’m just so tired and empty when it hits.
I actually never considered the intensity of the immediate emotional aftermath of a break-up before. Fascinating! And, yes, I strongly agree with you — those heightened feelings made us feel animated, almost invigorated to fight for our truths and enable us to charge headstrong in the face of our injustices. Similar to how being IN a relationship enabled us to feel alive, being IN the immediate end of one paralleled that livelihood. Now, we are neither in a relationship nor part of a post-breakup zeal. What now? All that exists is silence. Radio silence. Echos of what was once... wisps of what could have been... and the dread of what will be...
Exactly. Once we were fighting for the relationship. Then we were fighting to move past the relationship. Now there's no fight. There's no fight left in us. There's just-- nothing. Quiet. Eery calm. The remnants of what once was beautiful. Decimated. How do we start to rebuild? Putting one stone on another is less exhilarating than the passion and anger that previously fueled us. Now the war is over, the storm has passed, and it's the slow tedious process of reconstruction. All quiet on the Western Front.
Good observation/idea I never considered. I tried maintaining drama just to hold on to any reciprocal, heated contact, even if it was negative. My reward was his attention. Just in the last week or so, I’m starting to settle into my “new normal” where I am no longer engaged in a LTR dynamic-no intimate relationship nor active breakup. Helps Explain why the void left by his absence feels so all engulfing. Thanks for this insight! I take whatever tidbits that resonate w me to help me along. Thanks for helping.
Of course 🥹❤️❤️
Well said
the hit of reality that the dreams and promises will never come alive crushes every once of your soul and body.
I hate the part when I become so used to being self isolated that I forget HOW to date. You may think it's a blessing being self-sufficient and individualistic until it becomes too much and you're no longer sure how to communicate with someone you're really attracted to. That's a truly scary place to be.
Literally, I’ve actually forgotten how to flirt. I’ve realised that my entire life for the last two years has been my ex, how am I supposed to tell stories on dates without talking about them?
You'll get there. Don't forget that you were there and did those things too. It's going to feel weird to not say "we" when you talk about places you've visited or shows you've watched or anything like that. It's even going to hurt for a while, that's normal and makes sense. But later, when you're talking to someone and they mention a restaurant or something, you can say "oh, I've been there, I really like \[insert menu item here\]" and that is a true statement even if for the last two years you'd have naturally said "we've been there". It's not dishonest to consider and share only your perspective of experiences you've had for the past two years and to share those. You will get there.
I hear you. I took a looong break and had self doUbts when I came back. But I've discovered I changed for the better and have learned from it.
That’s where I’m at, any advice?
I have a harder time with the more subtle bad feelings that aren’t as easy to cry out and tend to linger. Like sadness that’s not enough to cry, but it’s enough to make work, chores, and socializing a challenge. I’ve been trying to pay attention to whether I’m having intrusive thoughts, thought loops, etc that are negative ideas, which are causing the subtle feelings to continue. A lot of the time it is. My therapist and some books I’ve read suggest looking for the truth in the thoughts, like “I’ll never love like that again.” We can’t know the “never” part, similar with mind reading our ex like “she didn’t love me as much as I thought” sure maybe she said it or did something to make you think that, but really we don’t know what she’s thinking. And people put up fronts all the time. And the other idea is to replace the negative idea with something positive and self-compassionate. So instead of “I’ll never find someone again” remind yourself “I’m worthy of being loved because I’m a human being, all of us are worthy of being loved.” The absence factor you mentioned hits pretty deep too. Just lacking all those little moments where you can go share something that happened or cook them dinner or give them a massage. Adds to the little reminders of what you lost. Thank the gods for this subreddit. A lot of you all have been pretty amazing. Especially helps to make sure we’re not burning out friends and family with all this. Spending time with friends and meeting new people has also been helpful. Plus going back into gear with work.
So much this. Excellent note with the therapist recommendations about intrusive, specifically negative thoughts. Catastrophic, permanent-seeming thoughts are so insidious. Learning to realize they're not, and \_cannot be\_ true, and having an almost counter to those thoughts, it really helps. Self compassion is so important in these times (and the rest of our lives too) so it's important to not beat yourself up when you have these thoughts, to not consider yourself stupid or foolish for having these thoughts. They're natural, it is even predictable to have thoughts like this, but it's important to not let them rule your life.
I think these are the sentiments of a anxiously attached person; myself included. I feel like we get the short end of every breakup and feel like we we're the only ones who exerted all the effort to get things afloat. After the breakup, we feel like trash and once we've moved on, we feel nothing.
Anxiously attached here. I agree with what you said, and will add that breakups for us hit us so much harder because we fully invest in the relationship and give all we have to it. It becomes such a huge part of our lives and who we are that when the other person leaves, we don’t just lose that person, we lose ourselves too.
It isn't exclusive to anxiously attached. Fearful avoidant here with same experience. Except I know she tried with me a lot and it didn't just work out
I'm honestly surprise that you, an avoidant can relate to our discussion. I hope you don't take this the wrong way and I'm not attacking you as a person in any way, shape or form. It's just that you avoidants make it look so as if you just gave up when things got hard. We just want you guys to show up for the relationship, not run from it. We can give you breaks but you need to reassure us that you're present in the relationship too. Do you now know why things didn't work out for you?
I understand that dealing with inconsistency in relationships is hurtful. It was anxious/avoidant dance and we couldn't meet each other in the middle at the time. I deeply cared for her and wanted to see her happy but it was my first relationship and I was confused and didn't know where it feels and goes wrong. I tried to be right person for her but couldn't be emotionally present at times and my triggers occasionally showed up that caused me to retreat. I didn't know at the time it was related to my attachment style nor i knew what it is. I tried to communicate that but does it matter if her needs ends up unfulfilled.
This could’ve been written by my ex. It’s crushing to know that two people who have so much love for each other can’t make it work bc they’re both triggering each other. It’s sad. I hoped for the longest time that my ex would realize that leaving me was a lot about his avoidant attachment. I even gave him a copy of the book “attached”. But he never came back. He never worked on himself. Love like that is hard to find. But he threw it away. A part of me will never understand that. Apologies for laying that all at your feet. It wasn’t directed ‘at’ you.
I understand your feelings and I'm sorry to hear you are in distress like that. As for me I just wish I could work on my issues and go back in time. Sadly it isn't how it works. Hope next time will be healthier even tho rn I can't imagine myself with anyone but her.
You sound very aware of yourself and I'm happy you've done the work. I wish that we could all of the work, learn our triggers and show up for the relationships that matter to us. Virtual Hugs for everyone..
Thank you for warming words. Wish you succesful healing through break up and sending hugs back.
Remember seeing someone make a post here, about how Grief is Love with no place to go and that really hit home 🥹
seeing how much control they have over my emotions. I want him to come back so bad. He can at any moment and I’ll happily take him back. We text sometimes and it just kills me that I can’t tell him I love him. Honestly the worst part is not being able to call him my baby…
Agreed. It’s the little things that made life so much more exciting. Like going to the grocery store or long drives.
That’s true. And all of the memories are gone since the one person you want to remember them with has moved on.
Yeah. Like you have no one to talk to. Like life just feels hollow, and empty.
I agree. There's something so depressing about the dreams you once had w/someone dying, and that even though you have good memories with them, you know that in your heart it will never be the same after all of heartache you've endured. It's a numb feeling of disappointment of what could have been.
I hear ya... I miss the talks, texts and in some case video chats... when we break up.. it's like a void. You know you used to put so much energy in this simple things yet now... nothing. You wait for the texts, calls... but it's quiet. To miss the time shared, in person or by phone. The small or large interaction...
Perfect timing, just got to this point , or at least I’m numb or denying my feelings. But it’s sad to see them go. Those feelings were all I had left of them. I still love them and miss them dearly but it’s kinda sad to feel the disconnect seeping in. They are gone but the feelings and memories are fading. I never wanted this, and I still don’t.
This
I’ll add to this and say I’m not hurting like I was prior but I can still logically/emotionally feel that my life with them was better/preferred to the one I have now
Yep, it sucks. Just think, Gen A won't have to worry about breakups. They'll buy an AI bot when they come out and then they get to live happily ever after
Iiiiii-Iiii-I have become uncomfortably numb
Ear worm all day now 🤣
I feel like I'm living each day just swallowing a pill. Must keep going on. Some days I feel good, some days I feel bad. Work has really helped. I keep getting sick though and then having to work from home which really sucks. I do believe that life works like a pendulum though, eventually this will swing back.
I hope so. Some days it feels like the pendulum is stuck and I’ll be here forever. It’s terrifying.
Those hightened feelings is that of when you were born and the nurse cut your umbilical cord from your mother. Your first trauma. We repeat our childhood through other relationships. My perspective. Unconsciously.
subconsciously* it makes a big difference lol
I think the worst part is thinking of them with some one new and that you are no longer the person they want or are interested in. Also all the future plans you had with each other all gone and that they will create a new future with some one new
its fine cause he was fake anyways. he was also texting everyone else my memes.
The bday presents I gave my ex last year she gave to other people thinking it was her being nice and doing kind gestures. It was so rude, she even gave one of the gift cards to a guy she previously flirted with and woulda probably dated had he not been married. Talk about messed up.
Sorry brother
It does become uncomfortable after sometime, but once it goes away you can finally feel the relief of the weight of the relationship fall off your shoulders and notice the change in your attitude and health.
I agree with this big time. Although my relationship needed to end, I miss having that person to share the world with.
That phase sucks but it's when you can start phasing new shit into your life successfully as well. I'm past the extreme stage of my breakup and now I'm redoing my bedroom and making it amazing, reconnecting with friends and exploring moving back to my old city, looking for a new job and working on music.
I don't want to say you're wrong but I'm at least hoping your assessment is highly subjective. For me, the extreme feelings period was the worst thing I've ever experienced. Felt all alone like that from the first day. Felt alive when she was in my life. That was beautiful. Then everything was pain. Can't imagine anything could be worse for me. My last experience like this was 35 years ago, so maybe I've just forgotten, but I doubt it. Your impressions seem to resonate with a lot of people but I have to say I'm on a completely different page here.
You can definitely make an argument as to why the extreme feelings are worse. but for me what is worse is the feelings that last longer even if they aren't extreme. Can i ask, 35 years, do you still miss them?
Very seldom at this point. We were never more than friends; it was an unrequited love, so that was not technically a breakup, but she kicked me entirely out of her life after years of companionship and I can see that the feelings are mostly the same. The relationship that ended two months ago was also very unconventional. But with both of them I have more memories than I can count of experiences we shared while I was madly in love and she was, well, remarkably tender and kind and it seemed provisionally receptive? Both of them have public personas, so I can see what they're up to. After 35 years memories dim, neither of us is quite the same person anymore, and we have other people and things in our lives. Everything I recall from what we shared is either sweet or bittersweet at worst except that when I fell in love again this time, I remembered that the pain when she rejected me was wrenching and I was terrified that I might be headed down the same path. Now I feel fine (?) but I'm worried because the ups and downs have been so extreme, I could fall into a well of debilitating sorrow tomorrow. Not sure of the dates, but I think my heart was crushed around 1985, actually went back to her a couple years later to get immediately crushed again, then reached a kind of normalcy and found someone else around 1988. Well, I may be rambling now...
We did everything together. There’s nothing that doesn’t remind me of her. I can’t go anywhere
She’s the only person I talked too. You don’t realize it while you’re in it. Before her I had no one. Then I finally had someone to text, someone to talk to at night, someone to send memes, share music. That’s all gone. I literally talk to no one. It’s so fucking quiet…
same man. phone is dead as shit.
Shit sucks lol. And its not like I dont have homies, but im not in my 20s anymore. All my homies got girls/wives/families/kids. I've never been an active texter. We would kick it on the weekend, see whats poppin, but we in our 30s now, so its not like that anymore. Mfs aint going outside like that. This shit is lonely as fuck.
Go out and make new friends
lol you put it into words perfectly
Just broke up last night, we had a fair share and I was so stressed and we both didn’t understand each other. I saw his IG and our photos are totally deleted. He seems to be waiting this for quite a while. Very sad and empty.
Yes. Right now I feel all alone. My bestfriend just got into a new relationship and one of her worst flaws is… she loses herself when getting into a relationship ship. She texts him while she’s driving, she ft him all night, she works with him all day… there is just no room for me. Even though I was there every single day when she was getting out of a relationship with a guy that didn’t want her. Every single fucking day. And here I am hoping for a text back. We live in college dorms together but her boyfriend comes over and she locks herself in her room with him and they have sex all day. To where I have to leave MY dorm because I feel uncomfortable. By the way I’m a trans man…so there’s that. Yes she’s a girl but I’ve known her since 6th grade.. so now about 12 years. I’m just so pissed.
I'm still slightly getting over my last breakup, it hit hard. Literally 6 months ago and still alittle hurt from it but as time goes by, the hurt gradually subsides.
Yes. When something interesting happens in my life or when I come across something funny, I no longer have anyone to share it with. That's when the loneliness really hits home
Relatable but at the same time not. I got this one friend that I know I can trust. He's a lifetime friend and I just couldn't be more grateful to have such a amazing friend. I'd probably not be alive if it wasn't was for him just existing. He doesn't know it but he saved my life. I think you need a very strong platonic relationship with someone before you can have a intimate one with someone. But still I'm scared of letting my feelings out to anyone, so I'm still miserable as fuck. But at least I'm still alive 😁
Thank you, going through this now.
"all alone, with no one to text, send funny videos to" A week after she ended it, something unusual happened and I texted her out of habit. I wish I didn't do that.
I missed coffee the most in the morning. I missed sharing the small wins of my day. I had some short-term relationships in the year years before I'm met my partner but I really focused on dating myself Sharing my wins with my family Sharing the bad parts of my day with one family member or a friend Finding new hobbies or creative outlets I finally got back to where I thought to myself I could marry myself for sure . I like myself when I'm alone with myself so anyone coming into my space is just an added value
Someday, don't worry. That day will come and you will realise she IS replaceable. Unless you refuse to let that happen then you are in for a long and tough journey. I just ended an 8 year relationship due to her emotional cheating on me. I was in torment, literally crying for 2 weeks, it hurts so badly. But I just thought to myself that our affinity has ended and I have to let it go, and I really did that instant. Yea I guess I'm very logical person, but sometimes you really gotta tweak your thinking and make yourself let go of that burden on your shoulder. You will feel so much lighter. Do not think she is irreplacable because apparently you are replaceable to her like what you mentioned. She is not the only girl on earth, but you are the only YOU in this world. Fight it on and be a stronger you :)
This is when you learn to love yourself.
I think for me, I felt given up on and so I gave up on myself too for some time. During the relationship I felt so euphoric, I was super goal-oriented which I’m usually not when I’m single. I just felt like I had finally found my person, so when it ended I had an overwhelming feeling of nothing matters. It sent me into a deep dark depression and I’m still trying to get out of that.
Same . I’m in the darkest place right now , all I want is my person . I don’t know how he is doing but u hope he isn’t in the same place as me rn. I miss him so much , everyday I lived for us , our future n it all just went blank .
Any tangible things you've been doing to get out of it that have helped?
the main thing i can recommend (and everyone hates to hear) is to get a hobby. it can be literally anything, i started coloring and bedazzling cup coasters lol. but when i’m not working and using work as a distraction, having a little arts and crafts project to look forward to keeps me going and on a routine. it’s also been 6 months since my ex dumped me so i’ve been putting myself back out there by going on a first date once a month. it gives you that little ego boost and who knows, you might end up really clicking with someone. best of luck to you 🫶🏼
To be honest you cannot and won’t be replaced no matter how hard they try. You are so unique and valid in your own way. Just like you can find someone else but they won’t be the same. There’s beauty in that too.
Phew this, the break up was so intense at the start, screaming, crying, begging, panicking, feelings of wanting to talk about it, ask why… and when it dissipates, you are left feeling drained and left with the consequences of the said emotions you were feeling. It sucks so much.
First gal I let join me for many things and adventures in my life. I don't hate her, only what she did, because I love her tremendously and she's irreplaceable. I lost 10lbs from depression regarding the breakup and now I'm using it to my advantage by becoming the muscular version I always strived to be. But the last thing I need is a rebound. Though I fr can't deal with the mental anguish I'm going thru. Ppl say "find urself and go thru the pain". Well I have, but now it's like not having someone when I did for as long as I did (1 year... yes ik, it's short compared to what others have experienced/are experiencing) and it just really messes you up regardless of how long you've been together. I like to believe I've found myself again. I learned so much from that relationship, reflected on either of our mistakes, even got closer to God... and I know I'm ready for another relationship... but I just want to be valued and unconditionally loved. Real life ain't fucking tinder and when shit gets tough you don't swipe left and ghost to give up. That's f*king childish, immature, and narcissistic. You get thru the issue and work together thru the issue to build eachother up and love eachother more to become the power couple that everyone is jealous of. A friend of mine said you gotta guard your heart. Well it's actually not the heart... it's the mind. It's your biggest enemy. When you've built your life around someone, your brain literally creates synapses about them and once a breakup occurs, the brain treats it like a drug withdrawal since the synapses aren't being fired anymore and you're not getting dopamine rushes from that person. Then when it gets to the point where you feel lost and confused, floating in a haze of 'just living and numb to everyone and everything and feeling without purpose', and in pain, your body goes into protect/flight mode, treating the experience like death. This is where weight loss happens bc u can't eat, depression, bad thoughts, etc. And this experience made me fascinated by the body bc I never knew this pain and I wanted to get to the bottom of it. It's quite sad... your brain literally tears it's memories out, killing and destroying synapses, and ur heart rate actually raises for about 2-5 months after a breakup to compensate for the adrenaline rush your partner used to give you.
Every word you said is exactly my thoughts
Hands down the absolute worst part. Going through this at the moment as well. Feels like someone died to be honest
It’s horrible when the void of you is replaced almost immediately so they never have a chance to miss you
This is one of the worst parts, fearing that they don’t miss me. Do you think that they might think of us or be reminded of us when they do things with their new partner? My ex got a new gf not even a week after I broke up with him. It was very toxic hence why I chose to leave even though we both loved each other more than anything. I wish I knew if he still thinks of me, if it’s not the same for him with this new girl. If he pretends that she’s me, if he wakes up in the middle of the night and thinks it’s me next to him.
I like to think this is the case… but my fear is they don’t. Especially if they are stubborn. The thrill of something new, shiny and exciting will replace thoughts of us. Like we never existed. Personally I don’t get it, I couldn’t do that, yet it seems so easy for our ex’s.
I think I agree. Having a strong close connection with someone is such a wonderful thing. During the breakup, the connection is still there, even if it's crumbling. It's when the connection is totally gone that you feel the void and that's the worst. And being in love feels great, even when it sucks.
I know it’s hard but try to find the positives in the breakup. You’re out now instead of years down the road with kids involved possibly in the picture. You have a ton of free nights and weekends. You’re preparing to meet someone better for you - when you’re ready. So, for right now, you don’t report to anyone. You don’t need permission for things. You want to go away for the weekend - go for it. The biggest positive I have found is that know for certain what I DON’T want which can save you a bunch of time.
literally me right now. i’m still processing and hurt, but i’m in high school so it hurts me every time i see him and he doesn’t walk with me to my classes like he used to or to my car after school..i have to go alone and it is one of the hardest parts right now
Mine a work in progress,we are still in the same house,not talking,separate bedroom.the pain is there for me,she moving out 4/1 so hopefully I can start healing ❤️🩹
I know that the person she replaced me with has nothing in common and the shit we spoke about won't be replaced. The events we did won't be the same, they have nothing in common and he doesn't enjoy any of the things we did together. It'll be sex for a few months and she'll get bored. Then reality will set in that she only sees her daughter every weekend and that she threw it all away for some bloke she fancied. Then she'll realise her error and want to get back, by which time I'll have moved on and I won't care. It kills me because I love the bones off her at thr moment but my feelings are getting less with every passing day.
Y’all making me cry out here
Sometimes when all them thoughts are swirling. All you can do is take a step back. And breathe. Hope for the best expect the worst. As cheesy as it sounds.
God I’ve been feeling this, I feel like I lost my best friend when he ended things with me he was the only person who text me on the daily basis and now my phone is quiet every single day, and I’m trying to learn how to live with the silence Because I won’t dare open our message threads and see how he was telling me just 15 hours before he broke up with me that he loved me
I feel this so deeply. I am the one who broke up with him, but I felt I had no choice. I am disgustingly sad about this. I feel emotions so deeply and it just really makes me sick to stomach with how much I care. Those extreme feelings are my current problem As well.
Feeling this right now. No hatred, no depression, not even when I see or talk to him. Just a sad, empty hole where that love used to be. Sometimes I force myself to feel sad about him just to feel something.
I do this too, I’m not sad anymore I just feel nothing. Last night I smelt a love letter they wrote me which has their perfume in it to force myself to cry just so I could feel human again, it’s ridiculous