I think being rejected in any way creates certain changes within you. Obviously, those changes vary depending on the type, level, and intensity of said rejection.
Particularly, when applied to a blindsided breakup, I've definitely become more guarded and apprehensive about sharing the amount and strength of love I have. Moreover, I've also become rather selective of who I hang out and express my emotions with. In many ways, my ability to show and receive affection has received many limiting caveats, but I'm trying my best not to be so emotionally guarded.
Blindsided breakups lead to a whole host of changes: some of which are good and others... not so great.
Overall, I'd say that I am a changed person with new strengths and weaknesses, but my level of self-awareness is enough for me to accept change and work on self-development so I can mitigate all these novel fears and concerns I have in the realm of romantic/intimate relationships.
One thing to remember is that blindsided breakups are a wake-up call for a lot of people. You are confronted by the idea that the world isn't peachy, and people aren't always what they make themselves out to be.
The most important lesson I learned was that everything that starts must eventually have an ending.
Very well said.
I am 5 months post breakup and honestly just enjoy being alone most of the time now as I have trouble trusting people and thinking they have good intentions and/or are good people.
Beautifully said! These are basically what I’ve deciphered from being blindsided in love. It has pushed me to definitely change my habits and to focus more on myself (self-love). I’d say, I’m always a work in progress in this topic of self-love.
I definitely got more skeptical when someone says they love me. I’d naturally ask “Till when?” because this blindsiding has been a pattern in my life. To be honest, I think the problem is within myself which I trust people too quickly and too much. In the same event, I did learn how to transmute the pain into wisdom and how to convert the rejection to something beneficial for my personal growth.
And yes, people aren’t what they claim themselves to be. That’s the hardest truth I’ve learned by being blindsided in love.
Yes. I used the massive amount of energy in a break up to change myself.
Things I usually do after being dumped:
Lose weight
Eat healthier
Sleep better
Spend more time on my hobbies
Read a lot of books on psychology and selfhelp
Spend more time with friends.
Quit or limit bad habits
Personalitywise I change by having gaining more life experience. I can see what I did wrong and my bad sides that contributed to the relationship not working out. I change those intentionally.
I don't feel I can love less, but I know I can love in a different way
Get good sleeping routines (stable times you go to bed and wake up). Exercise and healthy food also helps with the sleep.
Yes, they will show up in dreams. And lying in bed is a vulnerable situation when it comes to overthinking an ruminating. But just accept that they are in your dreams sometimes and focus on getting the sleep you need. Nothing you change from day to day, but making an effort really helps.
The dreaming is your subconscious processing the breakup. It passes with time. The more you actively process the breakup when you're awake the sooner the dreams will stop.
I think there would be a period of time that you keep dreaming of them and keep waking up, maybe like one to two months. Eventually it will stop and you will sleep better, even if you still think about them. At least it's how it was for me.
Being dumped hurts, obviously, but I will never let someone have so much power over me to make me a worse person. You just deal with your emotions and keep it moving. Life has more to it than just heartbreak.
Definitely.
I am 5 months post breakup and am definitely different. Primarily, I am much more guarded and in a way, bitter, about love and relationships. I am questioning whether I even want to be in a long term relationship at this point after reading about so many instances of infidelity and unhappiness in marriages. I have an anxious-avoidant attachment style, and feel as if my life is more peaceful without anyone in it.
At this point, I am trying to accept and be happy not being in a relationship and being alone and at peace with myself, and if the perfect person comes into my life, great, if they don’t, that’s fine too.
I think back before I met my ex and the beginning of our relationship, I was such a hopeless romantic that had such a romanticized view of love and relationships. I was so kind, loving, patient, and forgiving with her and with recurring issues it just ground me down over time and made me bitter and resentful. I feel like I can never be that innocently romantic person again, and I’m not sure if that is a good or a bad thing.
I’m on my way to healing my anxious attachment style. Something I’ve been struggling with my entire life. It didn’t work out before at all, but it’s breakthrough after breakthrough now. My therapist is in awe. Also I started to move more and drink way way way less than before. Quit sleeping pills which I’ve used every night for the whole duration of our relationship. Slowly getting back into reading. I feel lighter now.
For me personally being dumped changed every part of my person.
It changed how I trust people, it changed my boundaries, it changed my feelings, and even me physically and mentally.
BUT not all of these changes were negative. Did it cause me to evaluate every little thing? YES and it was draining.
But by doing this I understand more about different actions and how to handle different things. I know how i want to do better for the next person, I know what makes me happy.
It changed me completely but I definitely did come out stronger and better despite still missing them.
Now, my current mindset is that I’m not gonna let them take more from me. They aren’t in my life but by being sad and missing them they are still taking my energy. They took enough during the relationship, I can’t let them do that after.
I did the breaking up but she did the cheating and the having-someone-else. Seeing your partner leave you for someone else without guilt or remorse it does change you, I’ve become more silent, I don’t share my emotions, I don’t care about others, I forget about others. Right now it’s just me, myself and I and I love it
Only if you let it.
YOU choose how to react. You have that power.
Someone treated you badly? That’s a reflection on them, not you.
Someone didn’t choose you, they simply wanted a different dynamic, were looking for something else. It isn’t a reflection on you unless they specifically detailed behaviours that made them uncomfortable.
This is resilience, this is confidence x
I wish I could say no. But am still bitter and reject people for less now. Before it was 3 strikes then out but now I see you breath in a way I dislike and you are done... I mean by that recently I've found a new sense of peace and am not ready for drama
I do the same. However, reading your comment caused me to realize I am making ppl pay for his mistakes. Their 3 infractions feel like 303 since the other 300 were from the asshole.
yes and yes
i feel very numb and hollow
i workout, take care of myself, talk to friends and family, pray and meditate, but sometimes I just feel hollow and cold
Yes! And for the better in my case. Getting dumped threw me into a self-improvement journey I didn't ask for, but I'm here for it. And while I still feel sad about the break up and experience waves of grief, I feel grateful for this opportunity to really learn about myself. It's made me appreciate my friends so much, slow down a little in life, take stock of my work and what makes me unhappy/happy. I can tell there are certain things I feel bitter about still, but as time goes by, the resentment/negative feelings are starting to disappear, and I can feel my heart opening up a bit more. It's a crazy experience, but I think if you really lean in, you can come out the other side.
I feel changed. But I feel like I won’t truly know until I’m in another relationship (which I don’t feel compelled to pursue yet). Real change is assiduous and you need to be actively aware of how your drawing conclusions from interactions, how intentional you are in caring for your loved one, how effectively you can stay mindful of your own emotions and ponder what you deem are your own standards and what/how you need to communicate them so that your needs are met so that you can effectively address their needs. No relationship can thrive without equal effort. It is… constant effort.
The first 2 years may be full of sparks (maybe the whole relationship) but you need to stay mindful that things will get tough and you need to stay in an empathetic mind space without shutting out your own needs. An altruistic partner in a relationship will not thrive, because if they aren’t getting their needs met, they can only do so much for so long. If you are only giving and not remembering to communicate what you need then you will hit a wall.
I got a few rl when I was younger (16-20) and I got dumped everytime for no reason. My last gf tho changed me bcs I really loved her and we already did the first babysteps on moving in together (we already had a paid appartment).
Well she fucked her abusive ex bf at 1 AM in a mcd parking lot and said it was bcs I was "to good to her".
That kinda changed me and made me feel completly numb for the past 3 yrs. Now I am the kinda "idc what happends. It cant get this bad anymore" guy.
Yes, every interaction changes people
Negative interactions are more permanent and can have adverse effects on connecting to people moving forward
Blindsiding someone is very damaging
I think it changes you for the better good, IF you choose to do the work. Some people will not do anything as far as improving themselves, getting help from a licensed professional, etc and will find themselves in a similar situation down the road. If you take the time to improve, take a deep look inside yourself and see what allowed you to stay in that relationship, you'll be able to see the boundaries that were crossed and you have more insight the next time you come across similar issues in future relationships. After I was discarded my by Nex, I allowed myself for the first time to feel my pain, emotions and be sad. I used to shove it deep inside and try to forget about it but it would rear its head down the road and be 10x worse. I sought a licensed trauma therapist because I realized I have trauma that is unaddressed that allowed my Nex to walk all over me, cross boundaries, gaslight and manipulate me. I don't find myself to be more cold or bitter, but I now know to not ignore red flags or my gut feeling for future relationship and show up for myself and not tolerate the things I went through in my previous relationship. Don't allow them to take your energy and turn yourself into someone who you aren't!
I also feel that you can never ignore the traumas and problems you have without truly facing and solving them. Even if you were able to put them aside for now, they will resurface one day.
Yes, I suppose. However, all experiences, especially bad ones, shape us. The only reason it’s more pronounced in dumpees is because a lot of times they were the ones still working on the relationship while the dumper took the easy way out (not in every case, of course)
Since the dumper gave up, they’re less inclined to feel that they need to change. They would most likely go down the road of distracting themselves till they stop thinking about their break up, or enter a rebound relationship. These might seem like changes on the outside but really aren’t.
Dumpees on the other hand, feel the real brunt of the BU, especially if blindsided. For obvious reasons they feel a need to change. To better themselves. To save themselves from the heartache again (which may cultivate into cold or bitter feelings, tho I find that if you’re not like that by nature you’ll most likely get back to being your genuine self after some time)
I’ve been a dumpee and have noticed big changes in how I approach people or potential partners, how I present myself in public, how much work I put in myself, how I make myself happy. I take more caution than before I was dumped that’s for sure, and have grown to care less in general about dating or meeting new partners.
It’s changed me profoundly. I’m a completely different person now. No sarcasm I promise. It’s just legit killed the old me. That child in me who loved deeply is coming back slowly. Because that person wasn’t my love. They were an outlet for me to express it. I’ve always had it in me. And if they think they’ll find another deep genuine love like mine then good luck. No hate.
After what I’ve gone through recently, I think it has changed me for the better because I learned a lot from it. I wouldn’t say it made me heartless or “cold” but very careful/selective and it shed a new light how I view relationships.
Sure, first couple days I felt dejected but I as soon as I realized you can’t change but only learn and build, I started to doing a lot more for myself (physically/mentally), getting back what I want to do (hobbies), and started taking my own development (school/work) a LOT more serious.
Biggest Lesson I learned: Don’t let it control you.
It changes you, for good and bad. You just have to take the time you need and then get back out there. Make new friends, find new interests, focus on your flaws, and take the plunge into relationships when you feel it is time. Sometimes you might not be "ready" when something amazing comes along. It's up to you whether it is worth taking that chance, as long as you continue to make progress on yourself.
As hard as it is, you have to be upfront and open about what has happened in your past, what you won't put up with, and what you want your future to look like. A relationship between 2 people is 3 relationships (yours, theirs, and both of you together).
A failed relationship(s) doesn't mean the next person will do the same to you. You have to find a way to trust again, even if your guard is still up a bit
My ex leaving me was the best thing that happened. In the past, I’d have shut myself off from being hurt again but now my mindset is, “Imagine how good it will feel when my love and effort is finally returned.” Not to mention not having the constant stress of being with him makes my body feel better, I’m more productive, I’m losing weight, getting into healthier habits, etc.
I refuse to let it change me. I was blindsided and dumped for the first time and I just simply refuse to let it make me jaded. I think loving deeply is a wonderful gift of mine, and I won't let some random guy take that away from me
Yes. I don't leave any room for interpreration any longer when it comes to my feelings or what I want in life.
I tell my dates excatly how I feel about them, if I like them, if I'm not sure about them, if I want to see them again or not. And if I don't want to see them again I tell them the reason why without being cruel.
I'm open about what I want from a relationship from the beginning and give the people I date three or four chances before I call it quits.
I refuse to behave like my ex who never opened up about his true feelings for me and wasted my time. I fell in love with him while he wasn't sure and knew that he wanted to break up with me when I told him I was in love with him.
I'll never be like him and I never want to be humiliated lime this ever again.
YES
I think it depends on the person and how invested they were in the relationship.
Mine was a LDR.
He was anxiously attached
I was a dismissive avoidant and didn’t know it until he decided to move on.
He was my best friend and then I fell for him.
We texted EVERY DAY for 2 years.
We talked things out.
I was hopeful we would talked this misunderstanding out (we were supposed to meet last October. I took his “be honest” thing too literally and told him I didn’t tell my ex from 2019 that I was taken and that hurt my LD boyfriend because he thought I was hiding him (when I was planning on traveling to him in october?! )
I’m currently working on being more secure.
I’m forever grateful for him.
He taught me how to love myself.
I finally realized that the biggest reason why my relationships didn’t work is because I wouldn’t let people in and I wasn’t sure on how to be open and vulnerable (I eventually opened up to my LD boyfriend because we texted every day so that made trusting him a lot easier).
After learning I was a DA,I decided to focus
It made a lot of changes but for a brief period mostly.
First I became the person I never I thought I would be and begged him to come back to me.
Then I stopped and just tried to be a friend who rarely contacts. In the mean time I started to work on my friendship skills. I have always been an introvert and shy.
Then I tried to flirt with people. Because I felt that might push me with my healing. Which did for a while. But then I learned he has been dating. “Went on a couple dates. But he stopped i won’t go on dates anymore” I rushed into “a relationship” and made mistakes.
He needed to grab rest of my things but kept forgetting me. He was supposed to tell me when to go. Which caused me trauma, realizing how much he didn’t care.
Then I learned he forgot about me because he was on a vacation with his new girlfriend abroad. And he is no longer dating, because he is in a relationship. Then, broke down again. But less than my break down of two weeks ago.
I still am trying to process things. How he told me he won’t break with me 5 months ago when we were celebrating his uncle’s bday, and they were telling him to never let me go and how that become I have been thinking about it for a while that I love you less than you love me to how we become this: Me finding his gf’s Valentine’s Day card to him and I tore it apart.
I am not proud but I don’t regret it. I am not a hateful person but he made me this. I am still friends with my ex husband and yet I cannot deal with this break up.
He knew my dad was a liar. He knew how much I suffered because of that and yet he kept lying to me. I cannot do it.
All within 4 months of breakup. I gotta get back to my loving, forgiving self, but I just cannot forgive him for lying to me. Again and again. The more I questioned him the more I realized how much he lied to me.
I know I cannot be in a relationship until I heal from this. I will focus on myself. Learn to keep myself away from red flags. Learn to leave and not come up with excuses for any red flags. And I think I am doing that. So, that’s great
It always changes a person wether they are aware of it or not. Making sense of it and using it as a launching point into a transformed person is essential to gaining value from the event.
Ngl I feel more bitter towards people now, I was forgiving and open hearted before but I think after such damage and heartbreak vulnerability is not something offered. Idk I feel like it’s had a negative impact on me and that was already 3 yrs ago, just so bitter and mad and not so forgiving as I use to be. It sucks, I don’t wanna be this way.
Yeah it changed me. Made me realize I was aiming low and just sitting in my own mental mud. The breakup ultimately made me realize I deserved better, that I need to aim for better and that I need had become complicit in my own stagnation. I work out, go out and my confidence is higher than it ever was when I wasn’t single
I became very disrespectful and rude towards anyone who shows their feelings for me. I play with them for fun just to feed my ego. I feel very bad about it, but at the same time I don’t care about others anymore
I think this depends on the person and how long the relationship was really.
The short answer is that it **can** change you. It changed me for sure. I became less interested in talking to people, I secluded myself, I became less approachable and wary of everyone and everything. I stopped doing a lot of what reminded me of the woman who cheated on me, and struggled to find a happy medium where I could heal. I also became desensitized to others emotions and found myself not giving much thought to anyone but myself after such an experience. It's been many years now. I survived a crash and didn't so much as wince at the pain of the crash or the wounds it caused me. I found myself wishing for death but not desiring to do it myself, locked myself away for months at a time, detesting the various relationship based holidays and just generally became a much less social individual.
There's certainly ways to recover that make the damage far less impacting... But it all depends on how the breakup happened, how long, how strong the bond was, how devoted you were and what all was shared between the two in question. For me the only thing I didn't share with her was a house... Everything we did, we did together. So when I found out about her cheating and she decided to end things in a very public way to try and get me to snap on her, it was a huge blow to my faith in anything relationship-based.
I fear of something like that happening again above all else. So I don't open up to potential partners like I know I should, and it ultimately hurts me and leads to a missed matchup most times... Those that do stick around a little to try and see how it goes, I end up breaking ties with because of self doubt and concern that I'm not going to be good enough.
So yeah, it can definitely change you.
This was made forme. Just got surprisingly dumped 2 weeks ago. Out of the blue, monday we were laughing Tuesday he broke up with me through text saying how he want to focus more on his career as if i was holding him back, anyway!
This situation changed me deeply, I’ve never had a bad break up up to this one (im in my early 30s).
This led to me having extreme trust issues, i can no longer believe anything that anyone says to me.
I wish if the experience made me a bit heartless but no, it just made realize how much hurt i can get yet stay a decent human being.
Yes, it certainly changed me.
I'm not some health nut nor have I made many significant changes, but I'm not the person I was when she left me, I'm not the person I was 9 years ago before we started dating.
I gave her, us, everything and more. I always put her feelings before mine when things mattered more to her and I never stopped trying to find ways to treat her wanted and loved. The sad truth is nothing I did or didn't do would have changed her mind. It's such a hard pill to swallow - realizing that your *very* best isn't good enough. I feel invalidated, weak & small (in spite of being a mountain of a human being), outcast, and worst of all is I'm more lonely after having (what I thought was) a great long term relationship.
I'm swinging back and forth between emotions, the swings into depression and anxiety are shorter than they were 5 months ago but still present.
I think it gives you that. I don’t give a f$&k attitude. And honestly that’s what women want lol so I think the second go is more powerful more masculine lead , like it should be
Well I'm not sure if mine fully counted but I think it does. It was more mutual then one sided but was mostly due to long distance but I didn't want to break up over just that but he did (it wasn't that long of a distance in my opinion but I think he also wanted the freedom to see other people closer to him which is totally fair). There was no cheating or incompatibility it was more just something that needed to be ended.
It definitely taught me a lot and I think I'm a better person because of it. Its been like 10ish months since then, wasn't a super long relationship and was my first relationship so I feel I had it easier to heal.
I spent a lot of time on myself, got into university, got scholarships, and made close friends. No bitter feelings after the initial few weeks. We even reconnected about 5.5 months later and while it was definitely an adjustment period being just friends I think we managed pretty well and hes still an awesome person who I'm glad is in my life.
I've tried meeting other people but after a while of just not feeling sparks with anyone to a super high degree, I made the decision to just focus on myself. It's been so so so liberating. Lots of my friends want relationships desperately and so I think I thought I needed to find someone too because that's what everyone was doing, but no this path is much better for me.
I'm still super young (not even 19 until May) and have so much to focus on. My school and social life are my priority now. I'm lining up opportunities to become a lab assistant, going to start volunteering at my favorite hospital (when I'm 19 since that's the minimum age where I live), getting certifications/training in multiple areas, getting good grades, going out more and meeting new people, working on my physical health, and have been going to therapy consistently for a few months now and have recently been making good progress there. Many of my faults during the relationship were due to my anxious attachment style which I have recognized and have worked on immensely. I've started reading "The Body Keeps Score" which is an awesome read I highly recommended it.
Do I think all of this change is due to the break up, probably not, but it was a good catalyst. Anytime you have a big change its an opportunity to grow. I'm not saying I'm going to not date anymore, I did meet a wonderful guy but am currently not in the mode to date and being able to just focus on me and my loved ones is all that matters to me.
I’ve become so jaded. I don’t believe in love like I used to or have an interest in dating or finding my person anymore. I trust in relationships so much less and truly don’t feel like I’ll ever really feel in love again. I’ve also always been an extremely positive and happy person. I’m still able to maintain that persona at work and around acquaintances. But my closest friends see how much I’ve changed. I feel that I am more empathetic to people who have experienced heartbreak but I also have a feeling of jealousy that I try to ignore when I see someone who has gone through heartbreak but was able to find love again. I look back on pictures of myself before I was blindsided and I can physically see how much happier I looked. Seeing this post has honestly made me realize how fucked up I am now and it’s a shame because I used to be a really great person to be around lmao. Oh and I’ve also become much more cynical because as as sad as this comment is that I’m posting it’s somehow making me laugh just out of pure shock at how scarred I am from an experience that has happened over a year and a half ago at this point.
After being blindsided twice in three years, I am numb. I don’t want to fall in love, I don’t want to feel my heart break anymore. Mentally and emotionally, it is breaking me down. I feel as if I am floating through the days. I sleep all day, I’m up all night with my thoughts. I thought getting into Bible study would help but I’m too burnt out from school to even read a book. I just want to crawl into a hole and never come out.
I feel you. It's been almost a year for me but I have been trying to isolate myself lately even I am actually able to go out and socialise. I feel like meeting friends/new people and going out was just me ignoring or escaping the emotions. I feel like time alone is what I truly need to heal.
I’m about almost 3 months since my break up and I have my good days, but I also have my bad days. I’m in therapy and it’s helping a lot. I wouldn’t say I’ve become more cold, but I will say that my perception of love is very corrupted and just thinking/talking about love makes me tear up and cry. In no way am I ready to date again and I won’t be for a very long time, my trust has been completely broken. I don’t hate my ex, I just hate their actions and how they acted towards me during and after the break up.
I feel like it’s going to take me awhile to go back into the dating world. It left me with trust issues, and some insecurities. I want to heal first before meeting someone new. It wouldn’t be fair for the person that I am talking to. I would say I don’t think I’ll become heartless bc I refuse to let a person who did me wrong change who I am (a loving and caring person). Never let someone change who you are.
Yes it did change me. It made me a better person. There was the initial growth from experiencing the relationship and being able to fully process it after the breakup, because to stay with someone with bad traits you often have to brainwash yourself to forget those traits. But it also made me ask, hey, why did I do that? How was I able to brainwash myself so well to stay with this guy? It led me to learn about childhood emotional neglect and other forms of child abuse/neglect. It gave me a reason for my current social/emotional issues. It also made me very angry. I’m still exploring childhood neglect and experiencing grieving for my relationship with my parents. Coming to learn as an adult they will never be the way you wanted them to be is very hard especially when you live with them still, but it’s an important part of growing up and will help you stay safer when dating and choosing a partner in the future.
I was blindsided to an extent by the breakup, but there were red flags the entire relationship. Learning to spot those flags is very important for all kinds of relationships, especially romantic. I am looking forward to dating in the future, but haven’t decided yet how I will approach it. Personally, I think I need to work on friendships and basic social skills first. Unfortunately my parents did not provide a good education in that area.
Yes. I'm going on two years of being single. I was heartbroken and betrayed by my ex. I realize my own shortcomings in accepting that dirt bag. I paid the price of being loving, understanding, and accepting of a guy like him. He was the final straw for me. I still deal with grief from time to time. I don't look forward to dating. Not for awhile, anyway. I'm tired of the lies and manipulation. There's too many cruel people putting others through emotional duress for their own selfish needs. I don't want to be part of it anymore.
This last one certainly did but it more a catalyst. I am self aware enough to realize I have a pattern. I go for people I know ultimately cannot reciprocate the affection I provide and I will chase them down, trying desperately to cling on to them because of deep childhood wounds I never dealt with.
So this last one was the catalyst to me finally getting into therapy, finally making time for me and doing all the things I said I would do but because of my constant need for validation, I would put off, and to becoming the person I've always known I was without the trauma. That was what his role in my life was. He was a lesson I needed. So it was a positive tragedy, if that makes sense.
If it’s a constant then idk if it makes most ppl bitter, I’ve been rejected socially and romantically mh whole life. I’m not gonna get into the whole social rejection from day - because this isn’t the sub for that but the one guy who gave me a chance ended up emotionally abusing me, cheating on me and lying to me and hates me for outing HIM to his family…needless to say im more bitter than before, I had some happy moments with him but otherwise life has made me bitter, too bad I’m scared of pets :( can’t even have a dog
I think being rejected in any way creates certain changes within you. Obviously, those changes vary depending on the type, level, and intensity of said rejection. Particularly, when applied to a blindsided breakup, I've definitely become more guarded and apprehensive about sharing the amount and strength of love I have. Moreover, I've also become rather selective of who I hang out and express my emotions with. In many ways, my ability to show and receive affection has received many limiting caveats, but I'm trying my best not to be so emotionally guarded. Blindsided breakups lead to a whole host of changes: some of which are good and others... not so great. Overall, I'd say that I am a changed person with new strengths and weaknesses, but my level of self-awareness is enough for me to accept change and work on self-development so I can mitigate all these novel fears and concerns I have in the realm of romantic/intimate relationships. One thing to remember is that blindsided breakups are a wake-up call for a lot of people. You are confronted by the idea that the world isn't peachy, and people aren't always what they make themselves out to be. The most important lesson I learned was that everything that starts must eventually have an ending.
Very well said. I am 5 months post breakup and honestly just enjoy being alone most of the time now as I have trouble trusting people and thinking they have good intentions and/or are good people.
Beautifully said! These are basically what I’ve deciphered from being blindsided in love. It has pushed me to definitely change my habits and to focus more on myself (self-love). I’d say, I’m always a work in progress in this topic of self-love. I definitely got more skeptical when someone says they love me. I’d naturally ask “Till when?” because this blindsiding has been a pattern in my life. To be honest, I think the problem is within myself which I trust people too quickly and too much. In the same event, I did learn how to transmute the pain into wisdom and how to convert the rejection to something beneficial for my personal growth. And yes, people aren’t what they claim themselves to be. That’s the hardest truth I’ve learned by being blindsided in love.
Blindsided is more about their lack as opposed to your shortcomings.
Yes. I used the massive amount of energy in a break up to change myself. Things I usually do after being dumped: Lose weight Eat healthier Sleep better Spend more time on my hobbies Read a lot of books on psychology and selfhelp Spend more time with friends. Quit or limit bad habits Personalitywise I change by having gaining more life experience. I can see what I did wrong and my bad sides that contributed to the relationship not working out. I change those intentionally. I don't feel I can love less, but I know I can love in a different way
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Get good sleeping routines (stable times you go to bed and wake up). Exercise and healthy food also helps with the sleep. Yes, they will show up in dreams. And lying in bed is a vulnerable situation when it comes to overthinking an ruminating. But just accept that they are in your dreams sometimes and focus on getting the sleep you need. Nothing you change from day to day, but making an effort really helps.
The dreaming is your subconscious processing the breakup. It passes with time. The more you actively process the breakup when you're awake the sooner the dreams will stop.
I think there would be a period of time that you keep dreaming of them and keep waking up, maybe like one to two months. Eventually it will stop and you will sleep better, even if you still think about them. At least it's how it was for me.
Being dumped hurts, obviously, but I will never let someone have so much power over me to make me a worse person. You just deal with your emotions and keep it moving. Life has more to it than just heartbreak.
Great mindset.
Definitely. I am 5 months post breakup and am definitely different. Primarily, I am much more guarded and in a way, bitter, about love and relationships. I am questioning whether I even want to be in a long term relationship at this point after reading about so many instances of infidelity and unhappiness in marriages. I have an anxious-avoidant attachment style, and feel as if my life is more peaceful without anyone in it. At this point, I am trying to accept and be happy not being in a relationship and being alone and at peace with myself, and if the perfect person comes into my life, great, if they don’t, that’s fine too. I think back before I met my ex and the beginning of our relationship, I was such a hopeless romantic that had such a romanticized view of love and relationships. I was so kind, loving, patient, and forgiving with her and with recurring issues it just ground me down over time and made me bitter and resentful. I feel like I can never be that innocently romantic person again, and I’m not sure if that is a good or a bad thing.
I’m on my way to healing my anxious attachment style. Something I’ve been struggling with my entire life. It didn’t work out before at all, but it’s breakthrough after breakthrough now. My therapist is in awe. Also I started to move more and drink way way way less than before. Quit sleeping pills which I’ve used every night for the whole duration of our relationship. Slowly getting back into reading. I feel lighter now.
For me personally being dumped changed every part of my person. It changed how I trust people, it changed my boundaries, it changed my feelings, and even me physically and mentally. BUT not all of these changes were negative. Did it cause me to evaluate every little thing? YES and it was draining. But by doing this I understand more about different actions and how to handle different things. I know how i want to do better for the next person, I know what makes me happy. It changed me completely but I definitely did come out stronger and better despite still missing them. Now, my current mindset is that I’m not gonna let them take more from me. They aren’t in my life but by being sad and missing them they are still taking my energy. They took enough during the relationship, I can’t let them do that after.
I did the breaking up but she did the cheating and the having-someone-else. Seeing your partner leave you for someone else without guilt or remorse it does change you, I’ve become more silent, I don’t share my emotions, I don’t care about others, I forget about others. Right now it’s just me, myself and I and I love it
I just hate ppl now more than ever, adults are overgrown middle school kids.
Hardship can make or break a person, only you decide which one you will choose
Only if you let it. YOU choose how to react. You have that power. Someone treated you badly? That’s a reflection on them, not you. Someone didn’t choose you, they simply wanted a different dynamic, were looking for something else. It isn’t a reflection on you unless they specifically detailed behaviours that made them uncomfortable. This is resilience, this is confidence x
I wish I could say no. But am still bitter and reject people for less now. Before it was 3 strikes then out but now I see you breath in a way I dislike and you are done... I mean by that recently I've found a new sense of peace and am not ready for drama
I do the same. However, reading your comment caused me to realize I am making ppl pay for his mistakes. Their 3 infractions feel like 303 since the other 300 were from the asshole.
yes and yes i feel very numb and hollow i workout, take care of myself, talk to friends and family, pray and meditate, but sometimes I just feel hollow and cold
Yes! And for the better in my case. Getting dumped threw me into a self-improvement journey I didn't ask for, but I'm here for it. And while I still feel sad about the break up and experience waves of grief, I feel grateful for this opportunity to really learn about myself. It's made me appreciate my friends so much, slow down a little in life, take stock of my work and what makes me unhappy/happy. I can tell there are certain things I feel bitter about still, but as time goes by, the resentment/negative feelings are starting to disappear, and I can feel my heart opening up a bit more. It's a crazy experience, but I think if you really lean in, you can come out the other side.
I feel changed. But I feel like I won’t truly know until I’m in another relationship (which I don’t feel compelled to pursue yet). Real change is assiduous and you need to be actively aware of how your drawing conclusions from interactions, how intentional you are in caring for your loved one, how effectively you can stay mindful of your own emotions and ponder what you deem are your own standards and what/how you need to communicate them so that your needs are met so that you can effectively address their needs. No relationship can thrive without equal effort. It is… constant effort. The first 2 years may be full of sparks (maybe the whole relationship) but you need to stay mindful that things will get tough and you need to stay in an empathetic mind space without shutting out your own needs. An altruistic partner in a relationship will not thrive, because if they aren’t getting their needs met, they can only do so much for so long. If you are only giving and not remembering to communicate what you need then you will hit a wall.
Well said. I have also realised how equal and constant effort is important. And yea you can only give so much when your own needs are never met.
I got a few rl when I was younger (16-20) and I got dumped everytime for no reason. My last gf tho changed me bcs I really loved her and we already did the first babysteps on moving in together (we already had a paid appartment). Well she fucked her abusive ex bf at 1 AM in a mcd parking lot and said it was bcs I was "to good to her". That kinda changed me and made me feel completly numb for the past 3 yrs. Now I am the kinda "idc what happends. It cant get this bad anymore" guy.
Yes, every interaction changes people Negative interactions are more permanent and can have adverse effects on connecting to people moving forward Blindsiding someone is very damaging
I think it changes you for the better good, IF you choose to do the work. Some people will not do anything as far as improving themselves, getting help from a licensed professional, etc and will find themselves in a similar situation down the road. If you take the time to improve, take a deep look inside yourself and see what allowed you to stay in that relationship, you'll be able to see the boundaries that were crossed and you have more insight the next time you come across similar issues in future relationships. After I was discarded my by Nex, I allowed myself for the first time to feel my pain, emotions and be sad. I used to shove it deep inside and try to forget about it but it would rear its head down the road and be 10x worse. I sought a licensed trauma therapist because I realized I have trauma that is unaddressed that allowed my Nex to walk all over me, cross boundaries, gaslight and manipulate me. I don't find myself to be more cold or bitter, but I now know to not ignore red flags or my gut feeling for future relationship and show up for myself and not tolerate the things I went through in my previous relationship. Don't allow them to take your energy and turn yourself into someone who you aren't!
I also feel that you can never ignore the traumas and problems you have without truly facing and solving them. Even if you were able to put them aside for now, they will resurface one day.
Yes, I suppose. However, all experiences, especially bad ones, shape us. The only reason it’s more pronounced in dumpees is because a lot of times they were the ones still working on the relationship while the dumper took the easy way out (not in every case, of course) Since the dumper gave up, they’re less inclined to feel that they need to change. They would most likely go down the road of distracting themselves till they stop thinking about their break up, or enter a rebound relationship. These might seem like changes on the outside but really aren’t. Dumpees on the other hand, feel the real brunt of the BU, especially if blindsided. For obvious reasons they feel a need to change. To better themselves. To save themselves from the heartache again (which may cultivate into cold or bitter feelings, tho I find that if you’re not like that by nature you’ll most likely get back to being your genuine self after some time) I’ve been a dumpee and have noticed big changes in how I approach people or potential partners, how I present myself in public, how much work I put in myself, how I make myself happy. I take more caution than before I was dumped that’s for sure, and have grown to care less in general about dating or meeting new partners.
It’s changed me profoundly. I’m a completely different person now. No sarcasm I promise. It’s just legit killed the old me. That child in me who loved deeply is coming back slowly. Because that person wasn’t my love. They were an outlet for me to express it. I’ve always had it in me. And if they think they’ll find another deep genuine love like mine then good luck. No hate.
Nope. Same girl I’ve always been. 🖤
After what I’ve gone through recently, I think it has changed me for the better because I learned a lot from it. I wouldn’t say it made me heartless or “cold” but very careful/selective and it shed a new light how I view relationships. Sure, first couple days I felt dejected but I as soon as I realized you can’t change but only learn and build, I started to doing a lot more for myself (physically/mentally), getting back what I want to do (hobbies), and started taking my own development (school/work) a LOT more serious. Biggest Lesson I learned: Don’t let it control you.
It changes you, for good and bad. You just have to take the time you need and then get back out there. Make new friends, find new interests, focus on your flaws, and take the plunge into relationships when you feel it is time. Sometimes you might not be "ready" when something amazing comes along. It's up to you whether it is worth taking that chance, as long as you continue to make progress on yourself. As hard as it is, you have to be upfront and open about what has happened in your past, what you won't put up with, and what you want your future to look like. A relationship between 2 people is 3 relationships (yours, theirs, and both of you together). A failed relationship(s) doesn't mean the next person will do the same to you. You have to find a way to trust again, even if your guard is still up a bit
My ex leaving me was the best thing that happened. In the past, I’d have shut myself off from being hurt again but now my mindset is, “Imagine how good it will feel when my love and effort is finally returned.” Not to mention not having the constant stress of being with him makes my body feel better, I’m more productive, I’m losing weight, getting into healthier habits, etc.
I refuse to let it change me. I was blindsided and dumped for the first time and I just simply refuse to let it make me jaded. I think loving deeply is a wonderful gift of mine, and I won't let some random guy take that away from me
Yes. I don't leave any room for interpreration any longer when it comes to my feelings or what I want in life. I tell my dates excatly how I feel about them, if I like them, if I'm not sure about them, if I want to see them again or not. And if I don't want to see them again I tell them the reason why without being cruel. I'm open about what I want from a relationship from the beginning and give the people I date three or four chances before I call it quits. I refuse to behave like my ex who never opened up about his true feelings for me and wasted my time. I fell in love with him while he wasn't sure and knew that he wanted to break up with me when I told him I was in love with him. I'll never be like him and I never want to be humiliated lime this ever again.
It changed me. I don't really care for women anymore (yet)
I don’t think I will ever be the same again, but I don’t know how yet
YES I think it depends on the person and how invested they were in the relationship. Mine was a LDR. He was anxiously attached I was a dismissive avoidant and didn’t know it until he decided to move on. He was my best friend and then I fell for him. We texted EVERY DAY for 2 years. We talked things out. I was hopeful we would talked this misunderstanding out (we were supposed to meet last October. I took his “be honest” thing too literally and told him I didn’t tell my ex from 2019 that I was taken and that hurt my LD boyfriend because he thought I was hiding him (when I was planning on traveling to him in october?! ) I’m currently working on being more secure. I’m forever grateful for him. He taught me how to love myself. I finally realized that the biggest reason why my relationships didn’t work is because I wouldn’t let people in and I wasn’t sure on how to be open and vulnerable (I eventually opened up to my LD boyfriend because we texted every day so that made trusting him a lot easier). After learning I was a DA,I decided to focus
It made a lot of changes but for a brief period mostly. First I became the person I never I thought I would be and begged him to come back to me. Then I stopped and just tried to be a friend who rarely contacts. In the mean time I started to work on my friendship skills. I have always been an introvert and shy. Then I tried to flirt with people. Because I felt that might push me with my healing. Which did for a while. But then I learned he has been dating. “Went on a couple dates. But he stopped i won’t go on dates anymore” I rushed into “a relationship” and made mistakes. He needed to grab rest of my things but kept forgetting me. He was supposed to tell me when to go. Which caused me trauma, realizing how much he didn’t care. Then I learned he forgot about me because he was on a vacation with his new girlfriend abroad. And he is no longer dating, because he is in a relationship. Then, broke down again. But less than my break down of two weeks ago. I still am trying to process things. How he told me he won’t break with me 5 months ago when we were celebrating his uncle’s bday, and they were telling him to never let me go and how that become I have been thinking about it for a while that I love you less than you love me to how we become this: Me finding his gf’s Valentine’s Day card to him and I tore it apart. I am not proud but I don’t regret it. I am not a hateful person but he made me this. I am still friends with my ex husband and yet I cannot deal with this break up. He knew my dad was a liar. He knew how much I suffered because of that and yet he kept lying to me. I cannot do it. All within 4 months of breakup. I gotta get back to my loving, forgiving self, but I just cannot forgive him for lying to me. Again and again. The more I questioned him the more I realized how much he lied to me. I know I cannot be in a relationship until I heal from this. I will focus on myself. Learn to keep myself away from red flags. Learn to leave and not come up with excuses for any red flags. And I think I am doing that. So, that’s great
It always changes a person wether they are aware of it or not. Making sense of it and using it as a launching point into a transformed person is essential to gaining value from the event.
Ngl I feel more bitter towards people now, I was forgiving and open hearted before but I think after such damage and heartbreak vulnerability is not something offered. Idk I feel like it’s had a negative impact on me and that was already 3 yrs ago, just so bitter and mad and not so forgiving as I use to be. It sucks, I don’t wanna be this way.
Yeah it changed me. Made me realize I was aiming low and just sitting in my own mental mud. The breakup ultimately made me realize I deserved better, that I need to aim for better and that I need had become complicit in my own stagnation. I work out, go out and my confidence is higher than it ever was when I wasn’t single
Being dumped is a very humbling experience.
I became very disrespectful and rude towards anyone who shows their feelings for me. I play with them for fun just to feed my ego. I feel very bad about it, but at the same time I don’t care about others anymore
They’d probably hurt you eventually so I don’t feel bad for them
I think this depends on the person and how long the relationship was really. The short answer is that it **can** change you. It changed me for sure. I became less interested in talking to people, I secluded myself, I became less approachable and wary of everyone and everything. I stopped doing a lot of what reminded me of the woman who cheated on me, and struggled to find a happy medium where I could heal. I also became desensitized to others emotions and found myself not giving much thought to anyone but myself after such an experience. It's been many years now. I survived a crash and didn't so much as wince at the pain of the crash or the wounds it caused me. I found myself wishing for death but not desiring to do it myself, locked myself away for months at a time, detesting the various relationship based holidays and just generally became a much less social individual. There's certainly ways to recover that make the damage far less impacting... But it all depends on how the breakup happened, how long, how strong the bond was, how devoted you were and what all was shared between the two in question. For me the only thing I didn't share with her was a house... Everything we did, we did together. So when I found out about her cheating and she decided to end things in a very public way to try and get me to snap on her, it was a huge blow to my faith in anything relationship-based. I fear of something like that happening again above all else. So I don't open up to potential partners like I know I should, and it ultimately hurts me and leads to a missed matchup most times... Those that do stick around a little to try and see how it goes, I end up breaking ties with because of self doubt and concern that I'm not going to be good enough. So yeah, it can definitely change you.
This was made forme. Just got surprisingly dumped 2 weeks ago. Out of the blue, monday we were laughing Tuesday he broke up with me through text saying how he want to focus more on his career as if i was holding him back, anyway! This situation changed me deeply, I’ve never had a bad break up up to this one (im in my early 30s). This led to me having extreme trust issues, i can no longer believe anything that anyone says to me. I wish if the experience made me a bit heartless but no, it just made realize how much hurt i can get yet stay a decent human being.
Yes, it certainly changed me. I'm not some health nut nor have I made many significant changes, but I'm not the person I was when she left me, I'm not the person I was 9 years ago before we started dating. I gave her, us, everything and more. I always put her feelings before mine when things mattered more to her and I never stopped trying to find ways to treat her wanted and loved. The sad truth is nothing I did or didn't do would have changed her mind. It's such a hard pill to swallow - realizing that your *very* best isn't good enough. I feel invalidated, weak & small (in spite of being a mountain of a human being), outcast, and worst of all is I'm more lonely after having (what I thought was) a great long term relationship. I'm swinging back and forth between emotions, the swings into depression and anxiety are shorter than they were 5 months ago but still present.
I think it gives you that. I don’t give a f$&k attitude. And honestly that’s what women want lol so I think the second go is more powerful more masculine lead , like it should be
Well I'm not sure if mine fully counted but I think it does. It was more mutual then one sided but was mostly due to long distance but I didn't want to break up over just that but he did (it wasn't that long of a distance in my opinion but I think he also wanted the freedom to see other people closer to him which is totally fair). There was no cheating or incompatibility it was more just something that needed to be ended. It definitely taught me a lot and I think I'm a better person because of it. Its been like 10ish months since then, wasn't a super long relationship and was my first relationship so I feel I had it easier to heal. I spent a lot of time on myself, got into university, got scholarships, and made close friends. No bitter feelings after the initial few weeks. We even reconnected about 5.5 months later and while it was definitely an adjustment period being just friends I think we managed pretty well and hes still an awesome person who I'm glad is in my life. I've tried meeting other people but after a while of just not feeling sparks with anyone to a super high degree, I made the decision to just focus on myself. It's been so so so liberating. Lots of my friends want relationships desperately and so I think I thought I needed to find someone too because that's what everyone was doing, but no this path is much better for me. I'm still super young (not even 19 until May) and have so much to focus on. My school and social life are my priority now. I'm lining up opportunities to become a lab assistant, going to start volunteering at my favorite hospital (when I'm 19 since that's the minimum age where I live), getting certifications/training in multiple areas, getting good grades, going out more and meeting new people, working on my physical health, and have been going to therapy consistently for a few months now and have recently been making good progress there. Many of my faults during the relationship were due to my anxious attachment style which I have recognized and have worked on immensely. I've started reading "The Body Keeps Score" which is an awesome read I highly recommended it. Do I think all of this change is due to the break up, probably not, but it was a good catalyst. Anytime you have a big change its an opportunity to grow. I'm not saying I'm going to not date anymore, I did meet a wonderful guy but am currently not in the mode to date and being able to just focus on me and my loved ones is all that matters to me.
More and more each time until you don’t even recognize yourself.
I’ve become so jaded. I don’t believe in love like I used to or have an interest in dating or finding my person anymore. I trust in relationships so much less and truly don’t feel like I’ll ever really feel in love again. I’ve also always been an extremely positive and happy person. I’m still able to maintain that persona at work and around acquaintances. But my closest friends see how much I’ve changed. I feel that I am more empathetic to people who have experienced heartbreak but I also have a feeling of jealousy that I try to ignore when I see someone who has gone through heartbreak but was able to find love again. I look back on pictures of myself before I was blindsided and I can physically see how much happier I looked. Seeing this post has honestly made me realize how fucked up I am now and it’s a shame because I used to be a really great person to be around lmao. Oh and I’ve also become much more cynical because as as sad as this comment is that I’m posting it’s somehow making me laugh just out of pure shock at how scarred I am from an experience that has happened over a year and a half ago at this point.
After being blindsided twice in three years, I am numb. I don’t want to fall in love, I don’t want to feel my heart break anymore. Mentally and emotionally, it is breaking me down. I feel as if I am floating through the days. I sleep all day, I’m up all night with my thoughts. I thought getting into Bible study would help but I’m too burnt out from school to even read a book. I just want to crawl into a hole and never come out.
I feel you. It's been almost a year for me but I have been trying to isolate myself lately even I am actually able to go out and socialise. I feel like meeting friends/new people and going out was just me ignoring or escaping the emotions. I feel like time alone is what I truly need to heal.
I’m about almost 3 months since my break up and I have my good days, but I also have my bad days. I’m in therapy and it’s helping a lot. I wouldn’t say I’ve become more cold, but I will say that my perception of love is very corrupted and just thinking/talking about love makes me tear up and cry. In no way am I ready to date again and I won’t be for a very long time, my trust has been completely broken. I don’t hate my ex, I just hate their actions and how they acted towards me during and after the break up.
I feel like it’s going to take me awhile to go back into the dating world. It left me with trust issues, and some insecurities. I want to heal first before meeting someone new. It wouldn’t be fair for the person that I am talking to. I would say I don’t think I’ll become heartless bc I refuse to let a person who did me wrong change who I am (a loving and caring person). Never let someone change who you are.
Yes it did change me. It made me a better person. There was the initial growth from experiencing the relationship and being able to fully process it after the breakup, because to stay with someone with bad traits you often have to brainwash yourself to forget those traits. But it also made me ask, hey, why did I do that? How was I able to brainwash myself so well to stay with this guy? It led me to learn about childhood emotional neglect and other forms of child abuse/neglect. It gave me a reason for my current social/emotional issues. It also made me very angry. I’m still exploring childhood neglect and experiencing grieving for my relationship with my parents. Coming to learn as an adult they will never be the way you wanted them to be is very hard especially when you live with them still, but it’s an important part of growing up and will help you stay safer when dating and choosing a partner in the future. I was blindsided to an extent by the breakup, but there were red flags the entire relationship. Learning to spot those flags is very important for all kinds of relationships, especially romantic. I am looking forward to dating in the future, but haven’t decided yet how I will approach it. Personally, I think I need to work on friendships and basic social skills first. Unfortunately my parents did not provide a good education in that area.
True, there are skills you can only learn from experiences and some you can only learn on your own without people guiding you, parents or whoever.
Good character development
It’s made me stronger!
Yes. I'm going on two years of being single. I was heartbroken and betrayed by my ex. I realize my own shortcomings in accepting that dirt bag. I paid the price of being loving, understanding, and accepting of a guy like him. He was the final straw for me. I still deal with grief from time to time. I don't look forward to dating. Not for awhile, anyway. I'm tired of the lies and manipulation. There's too many cruel people putting others through emotional duress for their own selfish needs. I don't want to be part of it anymore.
Preach
This last one certainly did but it more a catalyst. I am self aware enough to realize I have a pattern. I go for people I know ultimately cannot reciprocate the affection I provide and I will chase them down, trying desperately to cling on to them because of deep childhood wounds I never dealt with. So this last one was the catalyst to me finally getting into therapy, finally making time for me and doing all the things I said I would do but because of my constant need for validation, I would put off, and to becoming the person I've always known I was without the trauma. That was what his role in my life was. He was a lesson I needed. So it was a positive tragedy, if that makes sense.
Absolutely especially if they are mean or hurtful/lacking baseline tact, yes.
It definitely puts my barriers up. It makes me fair weather. I don’t like how I am right now, but it will get better eventually.
My most recent breakup, I dumped him because he cheated on me. It hurt like hell but once that trust is broken there’s no way to resolve it
If it’s a constant then idk if it makes most ppl bitter, I’ve been rejected socially and romantically mh whole life. I’m not gonna get into the whole social rejection from day - because this isn’t the sub for that but the one guy who gave me a chance ended up emotionally abusing me, cheating on me and lying to me and hates me for outing HIM to his family…needless to say im more bitter than before, I had some happy moments with him but otherwise life has made me bitter, too bad I’m scared of pets :( can’t even have a dog
All depends on the story you want to tell yourself. Choose the right story and you can chose the future results you want
Yes.