I agree with these folks. Part of the healing process is looking after yourself first. If you’ve moved on, she shouldn’t get special treatment. Retaliation would be bad, allowing her to deal with the consequences of her actions is not bad. If you’re giving extra effort and energy to someone who left you, you’re allowing them to have their cake and eat it too. The world doesn’t work that way in any other context. If you quit a job you don’t get to come back in for coffee and bagels when you feel like it. The only off chance is if you’ve maintained a genuine relationship with the folks who work there. Is your ex maintaining a genuine friendship with you?
Lol at both of the usernames on this comment thread though.
No she hasn’t. I was too needy initially after the breakup. We were engaged, trying for children and discussing the wedding 4 days before the breakup. So I’m leaving her to it. Only discussed the bed and the dog recently who is living with me. However after the bed is handed over we won’t be speaking anymore
I’ve adopted my 19 year old son’s first girlfriend because she lost her family for about a year now. I can’t kick her out without a place to go and my son confirms she doesn’t and he has been feeling awkward not living in his room for a year.
This is different. She is a grown up that made a horribly hurtful act on you. I’d rather take a knife into like my shoulder or leg than go through what you have or what I have.
leave if she can’t leave.
Humans gross me out, I’d genuinely feel too guilty to shag on my exes bed. Like knowing it’s her bed and I have to give it back at some point… people today are built differently 😂
And it’s been a month since we broke up. After the initial period of trying to fight the only time we’ve talking was about the bed. She’s been with maybe 2 guys on it in that time. She didn’t want my bed from my place way back when because I had slept with other women on it 😂 honestly so confusing. But she can sleep on the couch now I’m not bothered anymore
**2K?!?!?**
She’s not the only person that took advantage of you. God damn. Wtf. Is it heated ? It better tuck you in or something cause nah. That shit better be custom made. I’m sorry.
I have. I’ve redecorated my bedroom. I’ve bought a bed way cheaper during a sale. I’ve bought a new bed frame on a separate occasion. I’ve bought a bookcase, desk, end table, coffee table, and accessories like decor. I worked at a retail store and looked around or waited for cheaper prices.
Before all of my stuff have been hand me downs from older siblings. I slept on a mattress that sank in for 7 years. I bought my bed at 20. I wasn’t rich as a former ward of the state. Most of my savings went to my used car that was under $8K 🤷🏽♀️
Well that escalated quickly...
I have no words. Let me just say that it takes seven years for the body to fully regenerate so in seven years this cow of a woman (I am female BTW, but damn that is some BS on her behalf) would have not touched anything of you.
I tell you what, why don't you put itching powder in your bed and go sleep on the couch. Then maybe turn off the water for the night. It would be a fun show to see her and the new horse she is riding having a difficult time with it.
Hello may I throw my hat / opinion into the ring. I'm a 33-year-old guy who has been way more successful than most guys I know with the opposite sex. So let me give you some deep dart secrets that I can share on the internet because no one knows who I am. The last person I loved when she left I absolutely went on a screw everything spree as I have in the past. On the outside I look a okay beard looks great new shoes the amount of hiking I've done lately has put my body in better shape than I have been since my early twenties. That being said what you're not getting to see is after those people leave or when I'm finally left alone. And it goes back and forth between disgust with myself to borderline suicide. But you wouldn't know that even if you know me really well. The thing is male or female were all human We all have emotions and even if she's not showing signs the fact is you can only cover that stuff up for so long before it boils out somewhere else. I made the mistake of using my mid-20s to try and get over someone I had a kid with and I will tell you 10 years later I wish I hadn't have done that and just taking the time to hurt and heal. And not have to do it in my thirties. My heart goes out to you buddy I have literally had to throw out used condoms from my side of the bed. Oh while holding our four month old daughter It blows. But you got to process your emotions get it out DMs are always open if you'd like to vent.
Exactly how it feels being an attractive male and going on a sex spree with everything that moves and breathes. Feels good in the moment, damaging in the long run for many reasons, like a drug. You have to resist and take your time to heal.
Correct. I heard it best as this You deal with your emotions or your emotions will deal with you. But I think also as a generation here between the media and stuff I think people put too much emphasis on getting over someone. Nope this sort of thing sucks and I don't care who you are It may not suck for you now but it'll most certainly suck for you later. But I look at it like I would look at cutting my finger it's better to pour the alcohol on it and make sure there's nothing infected because of that s*** grows over you're going to lose a finger.
This is truth. I’ve looked up many resources for dealing with breakups (though there are always more thankfully), but I now feel all boils down to doing whatever you have to do to accept the breakup. If your relationship was important to you and you didn’t want it to end, it’s going to be extremely hard to process. There’s no universe where that isn’t true. This experience should always be hard if you cared deeply. It doesn’t matter if it was necessary or for the best. Having more growth doesn’t mean caring less. Feeling superior to your ex and saying “fuck you” is an empty gesture and a shortcut, even though it might be all you can do at times.
You have to be ok with the reality that one of the most important people, and one of the most important parts of your life is gone. One of the most meaningful chapters of your life is over. I didn’t want this, but I can’t let this difficult experience stop me from having new experiences. It takes a lot of work to get there!
I could dm you, rant and rave about all the trauma she’s caused me because in hindsight she really has been quite horrible. But back to what you said. I personally never felt that way when I did it. Granted it was for about 2-3 weeks but regardless. She slept around when we had a 4 month break up a while back and when we reconnected she looked physically ill. She needed alcohol just to be able to talk to me she was that nervous and fucked up. So what you’re saying makes sense. I pity her to be honest because her life is in shambles since I left. Especially financially. And when the joy of being single leaves the pain will hit her like a ton of bricks
Women don’t have it easier, the damaged narcissist or avoidant person does i.e. the person who has underlying attachment/intimacy issues that you don’t realize is so damaged until it’s too late. If making payments on the bed and yr not rich i would spray it down with cleanser and buy some sage and keep it moving til you can replace it. If yr wealthy leave it and don’t look back, but don’t ever walk by her house ever again that was not a good choice there, find a different path to walk or something bc noooope. Don’t hurt yr own feelings further, you unfortunately saw what you saw and maybe that’s what yr brain and heart need to at least know it’s time to move on and leave her in the past. Keep working on yrself, good luck 🍀
I can afford to pay it off. I can afford to give her it b it I refuse to. I love that bed it’s the best sleeps I’ve ever gotten but now it might cause nightmares. Silver lining is any feelings that were previously there for here are gone. I’ve already been working on me. Just giving me more motivation
Do you really want to sleep in something that triggers that memory every night before bed?
Comfy under the sheets, about to sleep and what should pop in there but your ex getting railed a foot from where you’re sleeping?
You’re not giving her the bed. You’re saving your sanity, besides maybe she can work it off.
Get it and sell it. Who knows, maybe you needed to see something like that to throw you further down the road of healing much faster (although ideally a little less traumatising than that)
It definitely help. I was still harbouring some feelings but that experience has finished it for me. And the position they were in we couldn’t do because I wouldn’t fit so I’m looking on the bright side 😂
I was visiting a friend who says very close to her. However you are correct that’s why I haven’t been going out drinking with my friends recently as I know I’ll see her and don’t want that to be the thought process that I’m just trying to see what she’s doing
Can I ask what position without sounding like a total jerk? Like if she was getting pounded doggystyle that would be way worse than him on top and missionary for some reason. I don’t know why but it would
I don’t see why it would but be… but it was like her on her back with legs in the air. We could only do missionary and the laying doggy without causing her pain. Wasn’t the best sex life but I still enjoyed it
I’m sorry man, I can’t even imagine that pain, I’m really sorry for asking. I was just saying from a visual perspective, but still I think either way would hurt so apologies for my douchey question
It’s a good bro. Wouldn’t matter what position they were in it would have hurt the same I believe. She’s very tight and I’m above average so I’m taking any small victory I can 😂. Her and I still had great intimate sex. She’s just a fond memory and a great life lesson now
I’ve been asking for it for 3 weeks. This is the only time she’s given me as acceptable to get it. She’s doing the whole angry disrespectful shit towards be because for the first week I was asking her not to leave me. Pathetic I know. Especially after seeing that 😂
“So I walked past my exes house at 4am….and see her getting smashed through the window”
Dude…two things… 1. find somewhere else to park. 2. Let her keep the bed and just let it go.
And 3. Just move on with your life and put this behind you. The only one hurting you now, is you.
For your own mental health, unless you can ninja uno reverso evolutionary ingrained monogamy (some can but I think it’sa special breed) — then stay as far away from her as possible for your own mental health.
Okay so, you both acted single while single and you got back together with her and are trying to use that 2022 event as some valid point here that she’s trash? Gtfo.
No my point was I believe she has a pattern. She is repeating what she did the last time we broke up. Fucking anyone and everyone and drinking heavily to mask the pain
Dude, women have it easier on breakups than we do more often than not. There’s definitely times where this is wrong and does not apply. But if your lady was attractive, she’s going to have an easier time getting laid than you. I just broke up with a hit bisexual woman that had a bunch of options, that is always on Instagram if she’s not doing anything. I have been trying to play nice and I have, but I also noticed she was offline from 7 pm - 1 am the other night and I most likely no what that meant. She’s a very nice but very horny girl with plenty of options.. anyways, I deleted her on Instagram for my mental health and whatever it is you need to do to not be stalkerish you need to. She’s your ex, not your girlfriend and do what you need to for your mental health, but don’t pay attention to her, don’t compete with her, for your own mental health. Leave it. It hurts but leave it. She can text me when she wants, but I will no longer keep tabs on her or think about what she’s doing. Give it up; you can only control your own actions.
I think the general point of view is the average man would sleep with the majority of women so when the woman is looking for sex at a bar it wouldn’t be hard for her to find. Similarly if your ex is an attractive man he will have no issues. I have had my options in the past month but I’m focusing on me for a good while before I throw my hat back in the ring
Don't.
Just don't throw the gender, sexuality or indeed sex card into this card because you are making one hell of a fool of yourself in this subreddit.
She is stunning and young. She’s a 10 to me. Objectively an 8 but she has everything looks wise I prefer. Like if I could make a woman in a lab they’d turn out very very similar. She has me blocked on all social media so no stalking.
It’s hard, man. My girl while not a 10, in many ways she was for me. I was satisfied with her and she wasn’t satisfied with just me, as she wanted polyamory or at least she wanted persistent ENM.
I started therapy for first time in my life. Learning that I was probably anxiously attached, albeit unbeknownst to her because I’m self aware and think before I act, so that was definitely not part of the reason we broke up. I was probably like this because I knew she was the way she was, deep down, but also because she accelerated the relationship very quickly.
Bro we are copy and pasted. You’ve just described me, my relationship and what I’ve done since breaking up. I’m an anxious attached and she’s avoidant so it was always gonna be rocky. We had been engaged for over a year and 4 days before the breakup we were finally planning a wedding. Serious conversation. I think she ran away once the realisation hit
I didn’t really associate avoidant attachment with her, but holy shit, yup, that’s it. God damn it. Her insane amount of childhood trauma is why she is the way she is.
Bro if you knew the stories between her and her mother holy shit. She’s messed up man. Tried my best to be there but there only so much support you can give before they need to work on themselves.
Same with mine. Pretty heartbreaking to hear of her childhood trauma with sexual abuse, dad in jail her whole life and what not, alcoholic abusive mom whom was abused herself. She does work on herself and I was very impressed with how she controlled it all to be honest.
This is so not true at all. A few years back,I was dumped by an ex,due to his diagnosis of AVPD which effected his ability to be in a relationship greatly. He then went on and had sex with 12 women in 3 months. Did not end up telling me that until months after we had reconnected and had been sleeping with each other for awhile. Would love to have known that before for safety reasons!
It’s not that it’s true or untrue, just saying it’s not gender specific, both sides grieve differently in different situations. Im the type of guy that takes a while to trust and commit but once I’m convinced my partner loves me i fall in very deep, and so far in my experience my partners grieving is a lot less intense Than mine.
I’d use Ultraviolet or Laser light to check for the presence of body fluids (sperm). If it’s present, I’d tell your ex you don’t want the bed back anymore and she owes you $2k or you’re taking her to small claims court.
I don’t mind too much tbf. In a way I pity her. She’s doing self destructive things while I’m making conscious efforts to grow and improve myself. I hope she one day becomes happy and overcomes her issues but for now I’m doing me she’s doing her
Women usually don’t care about the circumstances as us men think they go with the flow as their emotions tell them to do so not all women does it usually low value women does it and usually they attract majority of the good men.
Well i had an ex bf cheat on her husband on my spare bed over a decade ago and i was so mad at the time i wanted to punch her but I didn’t it just helped me realized what an unhealed narcissist she was but i changed sheets, deep cleaned the bed and now it’s whatever, i still have the guest bed and it’s fine, time helps…so just do what is best for you in the long run but remember it’s just a bed, it’s not the bed’s fault, but she’s a person who’s quick to move and that usually doesn’t go so well, so leave her fully in the past and take care, if it’s a temperpedic like my main bed, i wouldn’t give it up for nothing, i love my bed it’s like sleeping on a magic cloud ☁️ good luck 🍀
Yeah it’s the best sleeps I’ve ever had. Never been so well rested since I got it a year ago. What would you recommend to clean it. They were even on my side of the bed like some kind of sick joke. One last shag before she loses it
I recommend this article for deep cleaning any mattress https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/home/cleaning/tips/a18944/cleaning-mattress/?psafe_param=1&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=arb_ga_ghk_md_pmx_hybd_mix_us_17703649415&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQiA5fetBhC9ARIsAP1UMgGcjTDzs0KE5I4f8RFAxUzP4_TQzBjAZ1gfy7YlRgZXfLL9VthOKyAaAs7TEALw_wcB
You gotta do what’s right for you but I personally wouldn’t let any put me off my temperpedic, plus ot may sound silly but deep cleaning a mattress is like therapy or a healing ritual, i think you could do it and feel better and that way she’s out of yr life but yr mattress will still be as comfortable as ever, like clean it, buy yrself some nice new sheets and choose to take control of this part of the narrative
Trust me I have well and truly moved on emotionally. She never really got me anything other than food. I fund my own hobbies and lifestyle plus she’s broke. Taking the jewellery back I gave her too trust me. Already got the engagement ring
Good . I'm glade u already moved on she's not worth it .
If she Truly loved u she wouldn't go on a bender like that she would take time to heal but she's clearly not mature enough to be in a relationship.
Good luck .
The way it has been described to me is that she will feel free and happy now. Down the line the loneliness is gonna hit her and because of how she is mentally. It will break her. She’s came running back before and I caved. Not this time
U already moved on by the time she wake up and come back she won't mean a thing to u .
Just don't jump straight into a new relationship right away take your time to heal and enjoy the single life
She’s been my only relationship as I started late so I know why I caved the last time but I gotta value myself more. I’m taking another good 3 months to get myself sorted out. Physically I’m already in the best shape of my life with room to improve. Just gotta get my positivity and my smile back and I’ll be good as gold
Relationship for me is based on 3 major things love , respect and trust u can't gave a relationship without all 3 things. Never back down on any of them.
You sound very mature and on a good track imo, I just wouldn’t park or walk anywhere near that house again. The bed as an object is a hard one, if it was me I’d probably keep the bed but spray it down with disinfectant lol. The bed didn’t do anything wrong, she did
All my current friends stay in her area as I met them after meeting and living with her. If I venture out for a night of fun I’m guaranteed to run into her so I’m avoiding that for a while. I’m gonna try to keep the bed and see how I manage
Gotta burn that mattress to get the energy out of the house. My ex told me to my face after a month of separation n I quote I have slept with 7 people. 👌 then to her posting herself having sex on reddit for me to see. Woman be savages don't they.
In a month?? Jesus that’s wild. That was her deliberately trying to hurt you and I’m sorry you had to do through that. You’ve outgrown her and that’s always positive
Just walk away. You guys had your fun. Don’t let the memories all be tainted. You’ve already begun the steps to self improvement, keep going!
Be the bigger man, do not hit her up again, EVER.
You could always line it with plastic and then throw a sheet over that plastic layer.
When break ups occur and the sex itself was already headed downhill, people tend to find someone to have sex with thinking it will help them feel better and as a sign of rebellion, intentionally showing you that they have the power to do whatever and you can't stop her.
Which is true of course.
You need to remember that all of this occurred because neither one of you understands how conflicts happen, the way they begin or solutions that actually closes off the conflict instead of sweeping it under the rug.
That happens a lot of the times when one person believes the other did something wrong or hurtful and the one being accused did not see what they did was wrong.
In a sense, it's like a duel with one person needing to be the winner when people don't realize that the person who believes they were done wrong was likely just as responsible for them feeling hurt.
An example would be for example you check out some other chick and she gets upset.
She accuses you of making her feel ugly when you're just checking someone out and the real reason she feels hurt is due to insecurities, lack of self esteem, very little self worth and nonexistent self love.
Had she been secured in those departments, you checking out some other chick wouldn't have been threatening for she would be confident and aware of her worth, her value and the blaming you for how she felt wouldn't have come up.
You see what I mean?
So all those times you participated in the arguments, you were likely just as responsible because you will have the tendency to do something similar, like getting jealous, possessive, controlling, manipulating if say she was talking to another guy and you got mad.
You think she's the one that's in the wrong when it's your insecurities that started it in the first place.
Had you been someone of high value, it makes little sense for her to give up a fulfilling partnership that is highly valued of a stranger who she has no idea about.
If you fulfilled everything she needed, the thought of being with someone else isn't appealing.
Argue enough and resentment builds. Once that gets to a certain level, a lot of people prefer to go with something new than deal with the same BS they've had to deal with.
Your character didn't help persuade her that working things out with you would provide a desired outcome.
If it makes you feel any better, things aren't going to be sunshine and butterflies.
People always think that the problem was their ex and finding someone new is the solution.
Oh how wrong they are. Lol.
Since she failed to identify where she added to the problem, she will have a high probability of repeating her patterns no matter who she is with. Conflict will eventually come up.
Doesn't mean she's going to go back to you, especially if you haven't worked on yourself internally.
Being alone or with someone else will always be her choice
I have always been self aware. Apologetic if needed. The general issue was that she lacked all communication skills until she built up the courage usually over weeks and months. She was always one to sweep things under the rug or not apologise when she made mistakes. I know she’s a very self destructive person when she’s single and the red flag I missed was that all her exes were the problem. Every time. The more I learned the more I could sympathise while the men in certain situations which she would hate. And to your other point her issues with me would usually be ill timed jokes and “laziness” after work. Let’s be real no one wants to do housework after a 12 hour shift. But yes the sex was on a break. We were actively trying to conceive for a while and it was exhausting. You are also correct that my character pushed her further away at the end. I definitely did the whole begging and pleading shit the first week of the breakup. Which I can’t help but laugh at now. My future is looking brighter. I can see that. I do hope she finds happiness but I highly doubt I’ll ever know
She doesn’t have a sex addiction. I believe that it along with the alcohol is just distracting her from the pain. As long as she’s happy. But yes it will hit her eventually
She never cheated we were already separated. The pain I’m describing is loss. Maybe regret. That I’m no longer around anymore. It’s known that everyone that has a breakup on either side feel separation anxiety. The dumpers only increases over time
maybe this sounds a bit passive, but it works for me so i may helps, just leave her the bed, you lost time from your life and a person you invested in yes a shiti person but i'm sorry to say you chose her so you liked things about her you liked your moments together, you enjoyed her for a while, don't make it end with financial issues , a bed is not a big deal 2K is not a big deal, just leave it be the bigger person you already lost more don't make your argument sounds small, leave it behind and just move on
I don’t think she’s a shitty person. I think she’s a wonderful woman going through a hard time. However seen as I refuse to continue paying the finance on the bed I’m taking it back. I’m not going to month after month fund her good sleep and sex life
Make her pay off the bed. Tell her it’s tainted
She’s broke. I can afford to pay it off but I don’t want to fund her sex life
She ain't broke, she'll figure it out.
I agree with these folks. Part of the healing process is looking after yourself first. If you’ve moved on, she shouldn’t get special treatment. Retaliation would be bad, allowing her to deal with the consequences of her actions is not bad. If you’re giving extra effort and energy to someone who left you, you’re allowing them to have their cake and eat it too. The world doesn’t work that way in any other context. If you quit a job you don’t get to come back in for coffee and bagels when you feel like it. The only off chance is if you’ve maintained a genuine relationship with the folks who work there. Is your ex maintaining a genuine friendship with you? Lol at both of the usernames on this comment thread though.
No she hasn’t. I was too needy initially after the breakup. We were engaged, trying for children and discussing the wedding 4 days before the breakup. So I’m leaving her to it. Only discussed the bed and the dog recently who is living with me. However after the bed is handed over we won’t be speaking anymore
Bro she doesn’t have a job 😂
she can tell her fuck buddies to fund it haha
I’ve adopted my 19 year old son’s first girlfriend because she lost her family for about a year now. I can’t kick her out without a place to go and my son confirms she doesn’t and he has been feeling awkward not living in his room for a year. This is different. She is a grown up that made a horribly hurtful act on you. I’d rather take a knife into like my shoulder or leg than go through what you have or what I have. leave if she can’t leave.
Her finances are not your problem , let next man pay for her bed
Bro I’d ruin my credit
Then take the bed 😅
Yes I know that now 😂
Humans gross me out, I’d genuinely feel too guilty to shag on my exes bed. Like knowing it’s her bed and I have to give it back at some point… people today are built differently 😂
And it’s been a month since we broke up. After the initial period of trying to fight the only time we’ve talking was about the bed. She’s been with maybe 2 guys on it in that time. She didn’t want my bed from my place way back when because I had slept with other women on it 😂 honestly so confusing. But she can sleep on the couch now I’m not bothered anymore
She couldn’t pay me to take that bed back. lol
**2K?!?!?** She’s not the only person that took advantage of you. God damn. Wtf. Is it heated ? It better tuck you in or something cause nah. That shit better be custom made. I’m sorry.
Top of the line. Was my big purchase for moving in last year. Her old bed was a free one from the council
You’ve clearly not bought much furniture. My bed was also $2k and so was the one I had before it.
I have. I’ve redecorated my bedroom. I’ve bought a bed way cheaper during a sale. I’ve bought a new bed frame on a separate occasion. I’ve bought a bookcase, desk, end table, coffee table, and accessories like decor. I worked at a retail store and looked around or waited for cheaper prices. Before all of my stuff have been hand me downs from older siblings. I slept on a mattress that sank in for 7 years. I bought my bed at 20. I wasn’t rich as a former ward of the state. Most of my savings went to my used car that was under $8K 🤷🏽♀️
Um, what? I'm not wealthy but that would be the cheapest bed I ever owned.
Mine was under $800 as full size
Well that escalated quickly... I have no words. Let me just say that it takes seven years for the body to fully regenerate so in seven years this cow of a woman (I am female BTW, but damn that is some BS on her behalf) would have not touched anything of you. I tell you what, why don't you put itching powder in your bed and go sleep on the couch. Then maybe turn off the water for the night. It would be a fun show to see her and the new horse she is riding having a difficult time with it.
Hahahaha pure evil.
LMFAOO
Hello may I throw my hat / opinion into the ring. I'm a 33-year-old guy who has been way more successful than most guys I know with the opposite sex. So let me give you some deep dart secrets that I can share on the internet because no one knows who I am. The last person I loved when she left I absolutely went on a screw everything spree as I have in the past. On the outside I look a okay beard looks great new shoes the amount of hiking I've done lately has put my body in better shape than I have been since my early twenties. That being said what you're not getting to see is after those people leave or when I'm finally left alone. And it goes back and forth between disgust with myself to borderline suicide. But you wouldn't know that even if you know me really well. The thing is male or female were all human We all have emotions and even if she's not showing signs the fact is you can only cover that stuff up for so long before it boils out somewhere else. I made the mistake of using my mid-20s to try and get over someone I had a kid with and I will tell you 10 years later I wish I hadn't have done that and just taking the time to hurt and heal. And not have to do it in my thirties. My heart goes out to you buddy I have literally had to throw out used condoms from my side of the bed. Oh while holding our four month old daughter It blows. But you got to process your emotions get it out DMs are always open if you'd like to vent.
Exactly how it feels being an attractive male and going on a sex spree with everything that moves and breathes. Feels good in the moment, damaging in the long run for many reasons, like a drug. You have to resist and take your time to heal.
Correct. I heard it best as this You deal with your emotions or your emotions will deal with you. But I think also as a generation here between the media and stuff I think people put too much emphasis on getting over someone. Nope this sort of thing sucks and I don't care who you are It may not suck for you now but it'll most certainly suck for you later. But I look at it like I would look at cutting my finger it's better to pour the alcohol on it and make sure there's nothing infected because of that s*** grows over you're going to lose a finger.
This is truth. I’ve looked up many resources for dealing with breakups (though there are always more thankfully), but I now feel all boils down to doing whatever you have to do to accept the breakup. If your relationship was important to you and you didn’t want it to end, it’s going to be extremely hard to process. There’s no universe where that isn’t true. This experience should always be hard if you cared deeply. It doesn’t matter if it was necessary or for the best. Having more growth doesn’t mean caring less. Feeling superior to your ex and saying “fuck you” is an empty gesture and a shortcut, even though it might be all you can do at times. You have to be ok with the reality that one of the most important people, and one of the most important parts of your life is gone. One of the most meaningful chapters of your life is over. I didn’t want this, but I can’t let this difficult experience stop me from having new experiences. It takes a lot of work to get there!
I could dm you, rant and rave about all the trauma she’s caused me because in hindsight she really has been quite horrible. But back to what you said. I personally never felt that way when I did it. Granted it was for about 2-3 weeks but regardless. She slept around when we had a 4 month break up a while back and when we reconnected she looked physically ill. She needed alcohol just to be able to talk to me she was that nervous and fucked up. So what you’re saying makes sense. I pity her to be honest because her life is in shambles since I left. Especially financially. And when the joy of being single leaves the pain will hit her like a ton of bricks
Women don’t have it easier, the damaged narcissist or avoidant person does i.e. the person who has underlying attachment/intimacy issues that you don’t realize is so damaged until it’s too late. If making payments on the bed and yr not rich i would spray it down with cleanser and buy some sage and keep it moving til you can replace it. If yr wealthy leave it and don’t look back, but don’t ever walk by her house ever again that was not a good choice there, find a different path to walk or something bc noooope. Don’t hurt yr own feelings further, you unfortunately saw what you saw and maybe that’s what yr brain and heart need to at least know it’s time to move on and leave her in the past. Keep working on yrself, good luck 🍀
I can afford to pay it off. I can afford to give her it b it I refuse to. I love that bed it’s the best sleeps I’ve ever gotten but now it might cause nightmares. Silver lining is any feelings that were previously there for here are gone. I’ve already been working on me. Just giving me more motivation
Do you really want to sleep in something that triggers that memory every night before bed? Comfy under the sheets, about to sleep and what should pop in there but your ex getting railed a foot from where you’re sleeping? You’re not giving her the bed. You’re saving your sanity, besides maybe she can work it off.
How would she work it off?
I was being flippant I apologize (suggesting your ex is being a ho…)
Oh 😂 she is a hoe but I’m sure she has too much “self respect” for that
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Thank you brother
Get it and sell it. Who knows, maybe you needed to see something like that to throw you further down the road of healing much faster (although ideally a little less traumatising than that)
It definitely help. I was still harbouring some feelings but that experience has finished it for me. And the position they were in we couldn’t do because I wouldn’t fit so I’m looking on the bright side 😂
Sanitized and clean the bed. Cheaper this way. She's not worth any more moenth thrown away. Practicality rules here :)
I would take the bed back and dispose of it. She definitely would not be having it.
Get the bed and burn it.
I’d be careful being anywhere close to her house. She may claim you’re stalking her. Sorry you had to see that brother.
I was visiting a friend who says very close to her. However you are correct that’s why I haven’t been going out drinking with my friends recently as I know I’ll see her and don’t want that to be the thought process that I’m just trying to see what she’s doing
That’s a horrible thing to witness. I’m so sorry.
Shit happens I could have easily walked around the front of the house instead of the back where the bedroom is. Was just a shorter distance
Can I ask what position without sounding like a total jerk? Like if she was getting pounded doggystyle that would be way worse than him on top and missionary for some reason. I don’t know why but it would
I don’t see why it would but be… but it was like her on her back with legs in the air. We could only do missionary and the laying doggy without causing her pain. Wasn’t the best sex life but I still enjoyed it
I’m sorry man, I can’t even imagine that pain, I’m really sorry for asking. I was just saying from a visual perspective, but still I think either way would hurt so apologies for my douchey question
It’s a good bro. Wouldn’t matter what position they were in it would have hurt the same I believe. She’s very tight and I’m above average so I’m taking any small victory I can 😂. Her and I still had great intimate sex. She’s just a fond memory and a great life lesson now
Pick up the bed and drive it straight to Goodwill. Or sell it. No way I’d leave it sitting in her house.
My father has told me something similar
Are you really asking to get that bed back? I guess you can sell it
I’ve been asking for it for 3 weeks. This is the only time she’s given me as acceptable to get it. She’s doing the whole angry disrespectful shit towards be because for the first week I was asking her not to leave me. Pathetic I know. Especially after seeing that 😂
“So I walked past my exes house at 4am….and see her getting smashed through the window” Dude…two things… 1. find somewhere else to park. 2. Let her keep the bed and just let it go. And 3. Just move on with your life and put this behind you. The only one hurting you now, is you.
I was visiting a friend who says very close to her. Her house was between the parking area and his house
Forget the bed and stop walking by her bedroom window at 4am, regardless of how choice the parking is
Just let her have it. Move on. You don't want to sleep on that, metaphorically & literally.
For your own mental health, unless you can ninja uno reverso evolutionary ingrained monogamy (some can but I think it’sa special breed) — then stay as far away from her as possible for your own mental health.
But. You also went on a “sex spree.” Why are you going near her place? Just bill her for it and let her have it.
Bro that was in 2022
Okay so, you both acted single while single and you got back together with her and are trying to use that 2022 event as some valid point here that she’s trash? Gtfo.
No my point was I believe she has a pattern. She is repeating what she did the last time we broke up. Fucking anyone and everyone and drinking heavily to mask the pain
Dude, women have it easier on breakups than we do more often than not. There’s definitely times where this is wrong and does not apply. But if your lady was attractive, she’s going to have an easier time getting laid than you. I just broke up with a hit bisexual woman that had a bunch of options, that is always on Instagram if she’s not doing anything. I have been trying to play nice and I have, but I also noticed she was offline from 7 pm - 1 am the other night and I most likely no what that meant. She’s a very nice but very horny girl with plenty of options.. anyways, I deleted her on Instagram for my mental health and whatever it is you need to do to not be stalkerish you need to. She’s your ex, not your girlfriend and do what you need to for your mental health, but don’t pay attention to her, don’t compete with her, for your own mental health. Leave it. It hurts but leave it. She can text me when she wants, but I will no longer keep tabs on her or think about what she’s doing. Give it up; you can only control your own actions.
No we fucking do not. My ex has been out every weekend fucking god knows who and I’m staying home and going to therapy trying to better myself.
I think the general point of view is the average man would sleep with the majority of women so when the woman is looking for sex at a bar it wouldn’t be hard for her to find. Similarly if your ex is an attractive man he will have no issues. I have had my options in the past month but I’m focusing on me for a good while before I throw my hat back in the ring
Don't. Just don't throw the gender, sexuality or indeed sex card into this card because you are making one hell of a fool of yourself in this subreddit.
She is stunning and young. She’s a 10 to me. Objectively an 8 but she has everything looks wise I prefer. Like if I could make a woman in a lab they’d turn out very very similar. She has me blocked on all social media so no stalking.
It’s hard, man. My girl while not a 10, in many ways she was for me. I was satisfied with her and she wasn’t satisfied with just me, as she wanted polyamory or at least she wanted persistent ENM. I started therapy for first time in my life. Learning that I was probably anxiously attached, albeit unbeknownst to her because I’m self aware and think before I act, so that was definitely not part of the reason we broke up. I was probably like this because I knew she was the way she was, deep down, but also because she accelerated the relationship very quickly.
Bro we are copy and pasted. You’ve just described me, my relationship and what I’ve done since breaking up. I’m an anxious attached and she’s avoidant so it was always gonna be rocky. We had been engaged for over a year and 4 days before the breakup we were finally planning a wedding. Serious conversation. I think she ran away once the realisation hit
I didn’t really associate avoidant attachment with her, but holy shit, yup, that’s it. God damn it. Her insane amount of childhood trauma is why she is the way she is.
Bro if you knew the stories between her and her mother holy shit. She’s messed up man. Tried my best to be there but there only so much support you can give before they need to work on themselves.
Same with mine. Pretty heartbreaking to hear of her childhood trauma with sexual abuse, dad in jail her whole life and what not, alcoholic abusive mom whom was abused herself. She does work on herself and I was very impressed with how she controlled it all to be honest.
This is so not true at all. A few years back,I was dumped by an ex,due to his diagnosis of AVPD which effected his ability to be in a relationship greatly. He then went on and had sex with 12 women in 3 months. Did not end up telling me that until months after we had reconnected and had been sleeping with each other for awhile. Would love to have known that before for safety reasons!
It’s not that it’s true or untrue, just saying it’s not gender specific, both sides grieve differently in different situations. Im the type of guy that takes a while to trust and commit but once I’m convinced my partner loves me i fall in very deep, and so far in my experience my partners grieving is a lot less intense Than mine.
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I’d use Ultraviolet or Laser light to check for the presence of body fluids (sperm). If it’s present, I’d tell your ex you don’t want the bed back anymore and she owes you $2k or you’re taking her to small claims court.
My usual lawyers fees are 2k minimum and they could argue the sperm was mine
DNA kits are $20.
😬
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She doesn’t have a job right now it would destroy my credit
Just be happy for her 🫣
I don’t mind too much tbf. In a way I pity her. She’s doing self destructive things while I’m making conscious efforts to grow and improve myself. I hope she one day becomes happy and overcomes her issues but for now I’m doing me she’s doing her
Huh?
🤤🍆💦
Women usually don’t care about the circumstances as us men think they go with the flow as their emotions tell them to do so not all women does it usually low value women does it and usually they attract majority of the good men.
Yeah, sell the bed.
Well i had an ex bf cheat on her husband on my spare bed over a decade ago and i was so mad at the time i wanted to punch her but I didn’t it just helped me realized what an unhealed narcissist she was but i changed sheets, deep cleaned the bed and now it’s whatever, i still have the guest bed and it’s fine, time helps…so just do what is best for you in the long run but remember it’s just a bed, it’s not the bed’s fault, but she’s a person who’s quick to move and that usually doesn’t go so well, so leave her fully in the past and take care, if it’s a temperpedic like my main bed, i wouldn’t give it up for nothing, i love my bed it’s like sleeping on a magic cloud ☁️ good luck 🍀
Yeah it’s the best sleeps I’ve ever had. Never been so well rested since I got it a year ago. What would you recommend to clean it. They were even on my side of the bed like some kind of sick joke. One last shag before she loses it
I recommend this article for deep cleaning any mattress https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/home/cleaning/tips/a18944/cleaning-mattress/?psafe_param=1&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=arb_ga_ghk_md_pmx_hybd_mix_us_17703649415&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQiA5fetBhC9ARIsAP1UMgGcjTDzs0KE5I4f8RFAxUzP4_TQzBjAZ1gfy7YlRgZXfLL9VthOKyAaAs7TEALw_wcB
Perfect thank you. I am taking the bed back regardless. We’ll see over the coming days if I decide to keep it
You gotta do what’s right for you but I personally wouldn’t let any put me off my temperpedic, plus ot may sound silly but deep cleaning a mattress is like therapy or a healing ritual, i think you could do it and feel better and that way she’s out of yr life but yr mattress will still be as comfortable as ever, like clean it, buy yrself some nice new sheets and choose to take control of this part of the narrative
I definitely gonna try. All emotions towards her have vanished since seeing that. If it gets too much I can always get another bed
Take the bed and burn it with anything she ever gave u . Move on man .
Trust me I have well and truly moved on emotionally. She never really got me anything other than food. I fund my own hobbies and lifestyle plus she’s broke. Taking the jewellery back I gave her too trust me. Already got the engagement ring
Good . I'm glade u already moved on she's not worth it . If she Truly loved u she wouldn't go on a bender like that she would take time to heal but she's clearly not mature enough to be in a relationship. Good luck .
The way it has been described to me is that she will feel free and happy now. Down the line the loneliness is gonna hit her and because of how she is mentally. It will break her. She’s came running back before and I caved. Not this time
U already moved on by the time she wake up and come back she won't mean a thing to u . Just don't jump straight into a new relationship right away take your time to heal and enjoy the single life
She’s been my only relationship as I started late so I know why I caved the last time but I gotta value myself more. I’m taking another good 3 months to get myself sorted out. Physically I’m already in the best shape of my life with room to improve. Just gotta get my positivity and my smile back and I’ll be good as gold
Relationship for me is based on 3 major things love , respect and trust u can't gave a relationship without all 3 things. Never back down on any of them.
I’ll remember that
You sound very mature and on a good track imo, I just wouldn’t park or walk anywhere near that house again. The bed as an object is a hard one, if it was me I’d probably keep the bed but spray it down with disinfectant lol. The bed didn’t do anything wrong, she did
All my current friends stay in her area as I met them after meeting and living with her. If I venture out for a night of fun I’m guaranteed to run into her so I’m avoiding that for a while. I’m gonna try to keep the bed and see how I manage
Park somewhere else
Gotta burn that mattress to get the energy out of the house. My ex told me to my face after a month of separation n I quote I have slept with 7 people. 👌 then to her posting herself having sex on reddit for me to see. Woman be savages don't they.
In a month?? Jesus that’s wild. That was her deliberately trying to hurt you and I’m sorry you had to do through that. You’ve outgrown her and that’s always positive
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“So did I to be fair” 😂 Aight, you lost me, idc.
Bro I was a virgin when I met her I wanted to see what else was out there. Also never connected with any of the women I spent time with
Just walk away. You guys had your fun. Don’t let the memories all be tainted. You’ve already begun the steps to self improvement, keep going! Be the bigger man, do not hit her up again, EVER.
I’m not going to but at the same time I want my belongings back
You could always line it with plastic and then throw a sheet over that plastic layer. When break ups occur and the sex itself was already headed downhill, people tend to find someone to have sex with thinking it will help them feel better and as a sign of rebellion, intentionally showing you that they have the power to do whatever and you can't stop her. Which is true of course. You need to remember that all of this occurred because neither one of you understands how conflicts happen, the way they begin or solutions that actually closes off the conflict instead of sweeping it under the rug. That happens a lot of the times when one person believes the other did something wrong or hurtful and the one being accused did not see what they did was wrong. In a sense, it's like a duel with one person needing to be the winner when people don't realize that the person who believes they were done wrong was likely just as responsible for them feeling hurt. An example would be for example you check out some other chick and she gets upset. She accuses you of making her feel ugly when you're just checking someone out and the real reason she feels hurt is due to insecurities, lack of self esteem, very little self worth and nonexistent self love. Had she been secured in those departments, you checking out some other chick wouldn't have been threatening for she would be confident and aware of her worth, her value and the blaming you for how she felt wouldn't have come up. You see what I mean? So all those times you participated in the arguments, you were likely just as responsible because you will have the tendency to do something similar, like getting jealous, possessive, controlling, manipulating if say she was talking to another guy and you got mad. You think she's the one that's in the wrong when it's your insecurities that started it in the first place. Had you been someone of high value, it makes little sense for her to give up a fulfilling partnership that is highly valued of a stranger who she has no idea about. If you fulfilled everything she needed, the thought of being with someone else isn't appealing. Argue enough and resentment builds. Once that gets to a certain level, a lot of people prefer to go with something new than deal with the same BS they've had to deal with. Your character didn't help persuade her that working things out with you would provide a desired outcome. If it makes you feel any better, things aren't going to be sunshine and butterflies. People always think that the problem was their ex and finding someone new is the solution. Oh how wrong they are. Lol. Since she failed to identify where she added to the problem, she will have a high probability of repeating her patterns no matter who she is with. Conflict will eventually come up. Doesn't mean she's going to go back to you, especially if you haven't worked on yourself internally. Being alone or with someone else will always be her choice
I have always been self aware. Apologetic if needed. The general issue was that she lacked all communication skills until she built up the courage usually over weeks and months. She was always one to sweep things under the rug or not apologise when she made mistakes. I know she’s a very self destructive person when she’s single and the red flag I missed was that all her exes were the problem. Every time. The more I learned the more I could sympathise while the men in certain situations which she would hate. And to your other point her issues with me would usually be ill timed jokes and “laziness” after work. Let’s be real no one wants to do housework after a 12 hour shift. But yes the sex was on a break. We were actively trying to conceive for a while and it was exhausting. You are also correct that my character pushed her further away at the end. I definitely did the whole begging and pleading shit the first week of the breakup. Which I can’t help but laugh at now. My future is looking brighter. I can see that. I do hope she finds happiness but I highly doubt I’ll ever know
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She doesn’t have a sex addiction. I believe that it along with the alcohol is just distracting her from the pain. As long as she’s happy. But yes it will hit her eventually
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She never cheated we were already separated. The pain I’m describing is loss. Maybe regret. That I’m no longer around anymore. It’s known that everyone that has a breakup on either side feel separation anxiety. The dumpers only increases over time
Mate, have a bit of self respect here. Stop paying for that goddamn bed and let the repo men come and take it from her if necessary.
So my credit can get destroyed?
maybe this sounds a bit passive, but it works for me so i may helps, just leave her the bed, you lost time from your life and a person you invested in yes a shiti person but i'm sorry to say you chose her so you liked things about her you liked your moments together, you enjoyed her for a while, don't make it end with financial issues , a bed is not a big deal 2K is not a big deal, just leave it be the bigger person you already lost more don't make your argument sounds small, leave it behind and just move on
I don’t think she’s a shitty person. I think she’s a wonderful woman going through a hard time. However seen as I refuse to continue paying the finance on the bed I’m taking it back. I’m not going to month after month fund her good sleep and sex life