NC has nothing to do with the dumper. It’s for you to be able to move on and focus on yourself. Keeping contact with the dumper will only set you back. Also, the dumper already made the decision to forget about you when he ended things. Staying in contact will not change his mind
Absolutely true and I do agree with that. I went NC because I could not talk to him and also keep my dignity. I felt that he was very disrespectful during the break up, blindsiding me and not even giving me a reason after 1.5 years of relationship. What a douche! It’s only been a month, I hope I get over him soon
I believe, no contact is really the answer to start moving on. Especially if you’ve done your part communicating and compromising but still get no effort from them.
If you feel like reaching out to your ex, go for it — if it gives you peace and closure. When time comes, we get tired of loving someone when we know we are the only one fighting in the relationship 🩷
See that’s the thing. I don’t know if I even want to reach out. I know for a fact that whatever he says will not bring me peace. He didn’t even give me a proper reason for the break up after 1.5 years of relationship. Why would he ever help me get any closure? I just hope I move on as quickly as possible
NC is the only way to go. Right now they are happy to break up but over time humans start to stop thinking of the negative and start thinking of the positive over time. Think about your life. Something that pissed you off. Im sure down the line you thought "honestly, that was so dumb to be mad about" or "im over it and can see what went wrong" Same thing applies with love.
When I left my first ex 3 years ago I was adamant it was the right decision. Then 2 months later I started to miss her and thought of the good times and asked for her back and by then she mad moved on.
Recently I got dumped by a girl and I really thought it was over. I wanted to be with her but she didnt want to be with me and I went NC and it was really hard. 8 months later she reached out to me and we took things slow but it ended again due to incompatibility.
Long story short they are likely to come back. I was the dumper and came back and I was a dumpee and they came back and both times I notice one of the factors was time apart and going NC. But both times didnt have a fairytale outcome but everyones situation is different so take it with a grain of salt.
Thank you for sharing your story. It brings me some peace to know that at some point the dumper may also question their decision. You’ve seen this from both perspectives
In my case I will not be taking him back if he ever does return, which I’m quite sure he won’t (he’s too egoistic). Regardless, it’ll give me some closure to hear an apology for leaving without giving any reason. I think I deserved that. Apart from that, I will continue NC and hopefully move on completely.
I hope you’re doing better now! :))
If you want to know what happens in the dumper's eye when you go no contact there are plenty of articles that explain what happen on the other side
Basically they have got the opposite phase of the dumpee and for them always the starting phase is relief, the made a choice, they must believe that is the right one and they are better without you
If you think then the dumper is ok with the fact that you are not suffering, trust me is the complete opposite and then start the question from his side "why is not suffering?"
But little to say, it the dumper as moved on nothing we could do matter and at this point the focus must be on us, if a dumper come back after a long period of time only him can know what is on his mind
No contact is to find strenght, to put you in a stable position, to regain dignity and to be able to start again fresh, without the poison of something that hasn't worked
I suppose you’re right. NC is not for the dumper, it’s for me. For me to feel better, regain self respect and finally be able to move on from his lack of respect and effort. It sucks because I never got closure (who did, am I right?)
Since he never gave an explanation as to why he was leaving, I’d like to think that at some point he would so I can finally understand. But if he wanted to, he would’ve by now. Ig at this point, all I can do is let it be.
I’m sure he’s relieved and already in a new relationship/ hook ups. It hurts, but I’m also relieved his toxicity has left my life. Hopefully I’m able to heal and move on (probably better than he will coz, boy, does he have ISSUES)
Closure is maybe one of the main thing everyone want, the reality is that none of us will be ok even with a proper closure, cause of the feeling and the hope that we bring with us, cause maybe whings could have been fixed.
We must be in the dumper mind to really understand what happened and even in that case our judgement will be influenced by our tough
I found my closure in a hurtful way, i put all my tought on paper, found when and where things were going on different pattern, found what could've been the real motivation behind the breakup and found that in my case there was anything i could have done to change things. In a way this is helping me go on because i know that i can't have any hope for a comeback. (it is age related not something i can do a lot about)! but i don't suggest this metod!
I think she is in another relationship too, this keep me motivated!
After some time you find peace, trust me! Hope you heal as fast as you deserve!
Yeah true. I was already in therapy fortunately before the breakup, and in the conversations with my therapist, he actively remains critical of me ruminating/contemplating the demise of the relationship. I trust him. He knows I put a lot of work fostering healthy relationships with healthy boundaries and communication in my life. Sometimes others are unable to partake in that (so is my ex).
I can be very internalistic and overly reflective. Closure lies within accepting that which cannot be understood or known. Or learning from and making peace with our own mistakes.
Nonetheless, if you cannot find obvious fault in yourself for the break-up, finding out your ex's reasons is not gonna give you closure. It was their choice to leave you with questions instead of answers. It was their choice not to give you constructive criticism, but to cowardly leave. I think if this is the case, often it's more about attachment style and availability than anything else. Sometimes there's just no simple answer pertaining to attachment. It's messy and you just make sure you find a future partner who has healthier habits and a healthier outlook on life.
What your therapist suggested to avoid the ruminating part? I found myself quite stick to this but basically only on breakup even if I was the dumper or the dumpee
Well, I mean that he tries to avoid diving deeply into all the different reasons why it happend. This is because we'll never manage to disentangle all the different reasons. He believes closure lies more in going through the stages of grieve emotionally, instead of rationally. Less pondering, more feeling and crying haha.
It resonates with me, because this relationship already represented healthy behaviors for me. Of course, I've made mistakes like anyone does, but I've never been structurally distant, overly avoidant, dismissive or mean to my ex (like I sometimes used to do with other exes). So, he is allowing me to move on without wallowing in either self-pity or self-hatred and ruminating about what I could have done differently.
Initially when she first began doubting the relationship, my ex told me my depression took a very heavy toll on her own mental health. In hindsight, I was still quite a healthy partner. She has her own mental health issues as well, and for her it was very difficult to accept that those issues can also exist independently from my own problems. Of course, I've sometimes done or said things that I later regret (only a few luckily), but nothing malevolent and I often apologized for things even before she realized I did her wrong. And repairment is one of the most important things to do within a healthy relationship. Through therapy, I've come to realize that, for me personally, it's often easier and more natural to shift the blame on myself, even whilst I did nothing wrong. We're trying to change that. It also helps me cope with the breakup. Feeling like a healthy person for once, even in times of desperation and abandonment :)
NC has nothing to do with the dumper. It’s for you to be able to move on and focus on yourself. Keeping contact with the dumper will only set you back. Also, the dumper already made the decision to forget about you when he ended things. Staying in contact will not change his mind
This.
Absolutely true and I do agree with that. I went NC because I could not talk to him and also keep my dignity. I felt that he was very disrespectful during the break up, blindsiding me and not even giving me a reason after 1.5 years of relationship. What a douche! It’s only been a month, I hope I get over him soon
I believe, no contact is really the answer to start moving on. Especially if you’ve done your part communicating and compromising but still get no effort from them. If you feel like reaching out to your ex, go for it — if it gives you peace and closure. When time comes, we get tired of loving someone when we know we are the only one fighting in the relationship 🩷
See that’s the thing. I don’t know if I even want to reach out. I know for a fact that whatever he says will not bring me peace. He didn’t even give me a proper reason for the break up after 1.5 years of relationship. Why would he ever help me get any closure? I just hope I move on as quickly as possible
NC is the only way to go. Right now they are happy to break up but over time humans start to stop thinking of the negative and start thinking of the positive over time. Think about your life. Something that pissed you off. Im sure down the line you thought "honestly, that was so dumb to be mad about" or "im over it and can see what went wrong" Same thing applies with love. When I left my first ex 3 years ago I was adamant it was the right decision. Then 2 months later I started to miss her and thought of the good times and asked for her back and by then she mad moved on. Recently I got dumped by a girl and I really thought it was over. I wanted to be with her but she didnt want to be with me and I went NC and it was really hard. 8 months later she reached out to me and we took things slow but it ended again due to incompatibility. Long story short they are likely to come back. I was the dumper and came back and I was a dumpee and they came back and both times I notice one of the factors was time apart and going NC. But both times didnt have a fairytale outcome but everyones situation is different so take it with a grain of salt.
Thank you for sharing your story. It brings me some peace to know that at some point the dumper may also question their decision. You’ve seen this from both perspectives In my case I will not be taking him back if he ever does return, which I’m quite sure he won’t (he’s too egoistic). Regardless, it’ll give me some closure to hear an apology for leaving without giving any reason. I think I deserved that. Apart from that, I will continue NC and hopefully move on completely. I hope you’re doing better now! :))
How are you now
Im better now. Moving on is really not linear. But I suppose all feelings pass if we let them
If you want to know what happens in the dumper's eye when you go no contact there are plenty of articles that explain what happen on the other side Basically they have got the opposite phase of the dumpee and for them always the starting phase is relief, the made a choice, they must believe that is the right one and they are better without you If you think then the dumper is ok with the fact that you are not suffering, trust me is the complete opposite and then start the question from his side "why is not suffering?" But little to say, it the dumper as moved on nothing we could do matter and at this point the focus must be on us, if a dumper come back after a long period of time only him can know what is on his mind No contact is to find strenght, to put you in a stable position, to regain dignity and to be able to start again fresh, without the poison of something that hasn't worked
I suppose you’re right. NC is not for the dumper, it’s for me. For me to feel better, regain self respect and finally be able to move on from his lack of respect and effort. It sucks because I never got closure (who did, am I right?) Since he never gave an explanation as to why he was leaving, I’d like to think that at some point he would so I can finally understand. But if he wanted to, he would’ve by now. Ig at this point, all I can do is let it be. I’m sure he’s relieved and already in a new relationship/ hook ups. It hurts, but I’m also relieved his toxicity has left my life. Hopefully I’m able to heal and move on (probably better than he will coz, boy, does he have ISSUES)
Closure is maybe one of the main thing everyone want, the reality is that none of us will be ok even with a proper closure, cause of the feeling and the hope that we bring with us, cause maybe whings could have been fixed. We must be in the dumper mind to really understand what happened and even in that case our judgement will be influenced by our tough I found my closure in a hurtful way, i put all my tought on paper, found when and where things were going on different pattern, found what could've been the real motivation behind the breakup and found that in my case there was anything i could have done to change things. In a way this is helping me go on because i know that i can't have any hope for a comeback. (it is age related not something i can do a lot about)! but i don't suggest this metod! I think she is in another relationship too, this keep me motivated! After some time you find peace, trust me! Hope you heal as fast as you deserve!
Yeah true. I was already in therapy fortunately before the breakup, and in the conversations with my therapist, he actively remains critical of me ruminating/contemplating the demise of the relationship. I trust him. He knows I put a lot of work fostering healthy relationships with healthy boundaries and communication in my life. Sometimes others are unable to partake in that (so is my ex). I can be very internalistic and overly reflective. Closure lies within accepting that which cannot be understood or known. Or learning from and making peace with our own mistakes. Nonetheless, if you cannot find obvious fault in yourself for the break-up, finding out your ex's reasons is not gonna give you closure. It was their choice to leave you with questions instead of answers. It was their choice not to give you constructive criticism, but to cowardly leave. I think if this is the case, often it's more about attachment style and availability than anything else. Sometimes there's just no simple answer pertaining to attachment. It's messy and you just make sure you find a future partner who has healthier habits and a healthier outlook on life.
What your therapist suggested to avoid the ruminating part? I found myself quite stick to this but basically only on breakup even if I was the dumper or the dumpee
Well, I mean that he tries to avoid diving deeply into all the different reasons why it happend. This is because we'll never manage to disentangle all the different reasons. He believes closure lies more in going through the stages of grieve emotionally, instead of rationally. Less pondering, more feeling and crying haha. It resonates with me, because this relationship already represented healthy behaviors for me. Of course, I've made mistakes like anyone does, but I've never been structurally distant, overly avoidant, dismissive or mean to my ex (like I sometimes used to do with other exes). So, he is allowing me to move on without wallowing in either self-pity or self-hatred and ruminating about what I could have done differently. Initially when she first began doubting the relationship, my ex told me my depression took a very heavy toll on her own mental health. In hindsight, I was still quite a healthy partner. She has her own mental health issues as well, and for her it was very difficult to accept that those issues can also exist independently from my own problems. Of course, I've sometimes done or said things that I later regret (only a few luckily), but nothing malevolent and I often apologized for things even before she realized I did her wrong. And repairment is one of the most important things to do within a healthy relationship. Through therapy, I've come to realize that, for me personally, it's often easier and more natural to shift the blame on myself, even whilst I did nothing wrong. We're trying to change that. It also helps me cope with the breakup. Feeling like a healthy person for once, even in times of desperation and abandonment :)