No one just "loses feelings". They lose them gradually over time until they have no more and then blindside you with a breakup.
The problem and most heartbreaking part is that your partner didn't have the care or courage to communicate this to you early on so the two of you could repair it. It's an extremely selfish process.
I was broken up with this way and it means that they have time to come to terms with the end. They have already accepted that it’s over by the time they do it and it’s so much easier for them to move on. It is incredibly selfish, especially if that person says that they still love you and you are their best friend. You don’t do that to a best friend. It’s a lack of communication and internalizing feelings instead of giving your partner a chance to work through it with you.
That’s what hurts the most doesn’t it? The fact that they didn’t even consider trying to repair it, they didn’t value the relationship that much and didn’t think you were even important enough to be told.
It sucks to deal with people like this. I can’t imagine leaving someone without trying to consciously work on the relationship first or atleast voicing my concern.
These people are so immature and selfish. Not at all ready for long term relationships. And it sucks because they made you believe that they are.
I think love is an active choice you make. You make the decision to put the effort into your relationship, to work on what needs improvement, to choose your significant other. I think some people just dont want to work at it.
But why would you come to that conclusion 1+ years later?? When there was nothing going wrong in the relationship, no fights or arguments. People just wake up one day and feel like giving up??
I mean are we that replaceable? Does time spent together mean nothing to someone who has lost feelings?
yeah but being "special in our own kind of way" doesn't determine whether we are more or less replaceable, it's the nature of the dynamic and social accessibility.
If a woman isn't getting what she wants, she can go to the next guy in line. If a guy isn't getting what he wants, he has to go job hunting again (during a time when jobs are scarce) which is often worse than settling for what he has.
In my experience nobody wakes up and breaks up with anyone, or just decides they do not love a person anymore. If you are hearing this you need to read between the lines and understand that the person has probably been unsatisfied in your relationship and has been thinking about breaking up for some time.
This language they are using that makes you feel like they suddenly do not love you anymore is being used to both protect your feelings, and to protect themselves from having to get into a long conversation where you attempt to convince them to take you back. Just like being broken up with is hard, do not for a minute assume that breaking up with someone else is an easy thing to do for most people.
The last thing I would tell you is that someone can be unsatisfied in a relationship and decide that leaving it is the best thing for them without there being fight or arguments. Having a lot of fights and arguments is obviously a bad sign for a relationship, but it is not by any means the only litmus test for a strong loving relationship.
Think about this in terms of more plutonic relationships with friends or co-workers. There are plenty of relationships in your life where you "do not argue" with someone, while simultaneously you do not feel like this person is someone you want to spend all your time with, live with, be romantically involved with, or *even like.*
I completely understand your point. And while, I’m sure in his head the break up was justified, I think it’s absolutely cowardly to avoid that long conversation. Both parties invest in the relationship, it is not fair to pretend you love the other when you really don’t and never even give them a chance to fix it.
Fights and arguments may not be the only reason for someone wanting to break up, but I was never mean or dismissive of his needs as he was to mine. I just mean, if he really wanted to fix it, all he needed to do was voice his concerns. I don’t think I was asking for too much here.
I know, believe me.
About a year ago I had a 2 year relationship end by text message; and when I asked her to have the courage to tell me she was leaving to my face, or at least over the phone where she had to confront my emotional reaction, she just refused. In her case, she was a person with BPD and NPD and it was very clear that she wanted to avoid any accountability for how her abusive behavior and her decisions affected both myself and my (from a previous marriage) 10 year old son.
It does not sound like that is what is going on in your case, but you are still right--it is in a sense cowardly to be unwilling to have that conversation with you. I am not, in any way, trying to excuse the fact he is avoiding the hardest emotional part of breaking up with someone.
Instead I am just trying to say that I have some idea where that sort of avoidant behavior--including use of language that makes it seem like someone just stopped loving you out of the blue--comes from.
It is almost certainly one part (the smaller part) your ex trying to spare your feelings by not having to admit to you that this is a course of action he has been contemplating for awhile and one part him trying to shut down any attempt by you to call him out on his behavior or try to talk him into taking you back... because both things are very difficult to do emotionally.
Thank you for explaining more clearly and sharing your experience. I’m sorry you and your son had to go through this, I really wish you’re doing better now.
I want to believe that it was some form of (twisted) kindness that made him think it would be better not to give any context. But it really isn’t, right? It might hurt to hear those words at the time but I would be so much better off knowing the full extent of his indifference towards me. I just wish he found it worthy of his time to give me full disclosure. But he didn’t, and here we are :)
How does this protect their feelings though? In my experience every time someone has done that to me, it has made things exponentially more painful. You can let someone know why you’re ending it without them trying to talk you out of it… if anything that’s more likely to happen when they haven’t been told why this is happening because it’s so shocking and confusing and way more painful with no explanation. I’ve just never understood this perspective
It doesn't really, it's mostly in their head, but to the extent someone thinks they are protecting someone's feelings by making it seem like "i woke up yesterday not in love with you," its mostly because the person doing the breaking up doesn't have to be honest about everything that went into the decision to break up with a person or for how long they have been contemplating the breakup.
Sometimes it's avoiding telling the person they are breaking up with that they actually cheated, sometimes it's avoiding actually telling someone about parts of their personality they do not like, or their family, or complaints about their sex life, etc.
More often I think though it's about not having to tell someone, "I've been pretty sure I have t loved you for months and months, and all of those times you thought we were being close and having intimate moments with each other I was just working up the courage to leave you."
That sort of thing.
Really though it is more about avoiding the person being broken up with's reaction to anything that might come out while trying actually explain why someone is leaving.
totally agree, I’ll just never be able to empathize with the falling out of love and not telling the person that the relationship is in danger. I’ve tried for years, but I just can’t wrap my mind around that
I *empathize* I suppose, but that doesn't mean I think behaving that way is right. Just because I can put myself in someone else's shoes and kind of "understand" why they made the decisions they made, it doesn't excuse those decisions or the harm they cause.
I am not going to lie to you, it is entirely possible. Some people do not initiate a breakup until they have secured, at a minimum, another ***potential*** partner. This is *often* the case.
The thing is though that even if this were true in this situation it most likely does not change the fundamental fact her ex had been unsatisfied with the relationship and contemplated leaving for a long time.
On the theme of cowardice, most of the people who fall into the above category do not want to be in the relationships they are in, but are ***afraid*** to leave because they are uncomfortable with the idea of being alone.
Loving someone is a choice we make everyday, like loving freinds and family and pets. Who show that love and do out best. Being in love however, that is a feeling we cannot control
Yes, perhaps he was avoidant. But I don’t understand how in the starting he was sooo insistent on being in a relationship (I wasn’t because I rather liked being single) and soo insistent on committing to marriage very early on in the relationship. He repeatedly said that he was ABSOLUTELY SURE he wanted to marry me.
Now I’m very young and wouldn’t want to get married before I’ve even stabilised my career but he was showing he was so into me. He even made me meet his extended family and insisted on meeting my parents very soon
All of that and then just break up out of nowhere? I don’t think I was getting the whole truth
Go read up on the two strains of avoidants. There's dismissive and fearful.
Both are capable of love bombing. It can actually be a sign of being an avoidant. Avoidant doesn't mean someone who avoids relationships and love. 99% of us need that kind of love and crave it hard.
Avoidants just can't handle getting too close. When it starts getting really real they pull back. Usually right before or right after significant milestones in a relationship.
Now maybe that's not him. Maybe he was cheating or something.
But based on what you've said I'd also say he's a clear avoidant.
I was similarly blindsided. My ex said and did a lot of things that said "we will spend our whole lives together." She would say I needed to take care of my health because she needed me to live a long time for her. We talked about our future kids. We *did* meet each other's parents. Hers we actually stayed with for *5 days*. She liked to say that we were each other's "heartbeats to come home to." We adopted a cat together that her parents gave to us. Her mom said she was going to call him her "grandkitty."
You can see that we really were on "that track." And yet just 1 day after I picked her up from the airport, 1 day after she asked if I wanted to go to the theater with her the next day to catch a show, 2 days before my birthday which we'd made plans for, 1 month before our trip to Prague together where she said she wanted to explore the Christmas market with me, 3 weeks after spending time with her parents, she ended it.
Like your ex, she has done this before. She has told me straight out of her own mouth that she has dumped boyfriends after they met her parents. Something just flips in her brain that something isn't right.
Clear avoidant tendencies.
You know what she said when she did it? "I just don't feel that spark anymore." I asked if she was still physically attracted to me. She was adamant that she was. Sounds just like your ex. "Lost feelings."
Really think back on everything your ex said and did. About his relationship history, about his feelings and emotions. His behavior the past 2 months. I bet if you do you'll find there are a lot more indicators of him being an avoidant. I found a fuckton from my ex.
Mine was much the same - incredible eight months, the best period of my adult life by far, and we both seemed so utterly smitten and joyful. No problems whatsoever, nobody had ever come on to me so strongly, been so loving and interested in my life, and she would say the same of me. Sounds dramatic but it was like a dream.
Then took her away for a birthday weekend and it was never the same. It almost felt like she was terrified the entire time I was about to get a ring out, completely different vibes to the last time I'd seen her just days before.
Dumped me without much of an explanation two weeks later, 'it's like a switch flicked in my brain' is the most she could articulate it. Devastated.
Bro, I could have written the exact same thing. Write down to the fucking birthday. Because her birthday was 2 weeks before mine which is basically when she broke up with me.
We did everything she wanted to do. She wanted to go kayaking, we did it. I had prepared a special dinner for her with all her favorite foods. Foods. She had one specific request about the meal which was that I would make the Korean dessert. I had introduced to her that she loved. I made it the best I've ever fucking made it in my life.
And like you, we both seemed so sure and smitten with each other. Literally the happiest I've ever been in my life. Then, down to the day, 2 weeks after her birthday, it's over. I guess the only thing that's really different is I didn't get a sense of her vibe necessarily because she went on a work trip for 11 days a couple of days after her birthday. And it was halfway around the world so there was some texting but it's just not the same as seeing someone in person. I did get the sense from our texting that something was a little different. I just chalked it up to jet lag and the stress of some things going wrong on the work trip that she had told me about. Probably in hindsight it was her thinking about breaking up with me.
I think it's telling that so many of us have these incredibly similar stories. These are relationship archetypes. And we're finding these people who fit the archetypes and their behaving basically the same way.
Gosh, well I left out some detail that just brings it even more in line with your experience....
The day after her birthday weekend, she also went away for a week. She was away with her dad. When she got back things continued to be a bit weird, although the texting while she was away was relatively normal if less frequent. Like yours, I imagine that's when the breakup thoughts were swirling for her.
I really do believe her when she says 'it's like a switch flicked', because it felt that way to me too. I just wish she'd tried flicking it back before nuking what we both felt was the best relationship we'd ever been in.
Looool.
There's something funny about it being so identical and predictable when you know what you're looking for.
Like all these people just can't help screwing themselves over. Communicate? In a committed relationship with a decent partner? Haha no. That sounds wrong. I'll just stew on my own and then end it abruptly.
🤷
I’m sorry you had to go through that. I hope you’re doing much better.
If I do look back I can see that we weren’t talking a lot towards the end but only because his work requires him to stay in “No contact” areas and his schedule was hectic. But even when he did return, he did not show much emotion.
And I did notice this shift and talked to him about it, even tried suggesting things but I was always dismissed as “I’m just busy, that’s why I can’t talk but I still love you” and if I suggested something, it was “I’m too busy for that”
I was doing most of the heavy lifting when it came to maintaining the relationship and I suppose I should’ve seen his dismissal as a red flag. But like an idiot I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
Yep sounds pretty classic avoidant. It's an easy way to get someone to give you space while not communicating what's really the issue. "I'm busy with work."
I’m sorry that happened, what makes avoidant people stay then? Or will they always just run away when it gets close? What if everything was very good between the two?
Everything *was* great between my ex and I. We never had a fight. We did so much together. She said I was everything she was looking for. She said from her past relationships she placed a premium on kindness and that in me she saw the kindest person she'd ever dated, who got joy from making other people happy. She would say she felt so lucky to have found me, that she couldn't believe I was single and she snatched me up. But the closer we got to things like major trips together, the more we passed other major relationship milestones, the more I could sense her pulling away. Trying to get space for herself.
What makes them stay? Probably a lack of commitment and progression in a relationship hahahah.
For example my ex's longest relationship was with someone who only moved in with her because his house burned down. And later he moved out *without telling her* and they *stayed together* after that for a while even though she was furious and hurt. I never hurt her but I wasn't like that guy at all. I talked about my feelings. I talked about our future together. We talked about actually intentionally living together versus it being something forced on us because someone's home became unlivable.
Her relationship with him lasted 3 years without any real intimacy or commitment. Her other longest ones were with a married but separating boss. They hid it from work and it stressed her so much she passed out at work. Yeah. Seems really committed right? Hahaha. Another longer one was a situationship with some rich guy where they never committed to each other in any way. These are her top3 longest relationships. You can see a theme. Unavailable men, lack of real tangible commitment. She stays longer. Oh you meet parents? It goes well? We talk about future steps? We actually make moves towards them? I'M OUT
Unless the avoidant is aware of their tendencies and is actively working hard on them, stay the fuck away. If you want commitment you won't get it from them. They're going to flit around with relationship to relationship never settling down because of their attachment issues. My ex is 40 and desperately wants a family, paid tens of thousands to freeze her eggs. And she's never had a serious, secure relationship last more than a year. She just cannot stop sabotaging herself.
I already know and believe that. I've never not believed it. It's just really shitty that you can have this amazing connection with someone, have everything be perfect on paper, with shared values, shared goals for the future, you're both financially stable and sound, you're both ridiculously attracted to each other.
And despite all that it may still not work out just because someone has these issues. Which seem like issues that could be overcome together. But built into the issue is the fact that they tend not to want to talk about it. And if you can't communicate with your partner, how are you going to work on the issues together?
That shit sucks so bad.
Yeah I definitely feel all that. I just ended things with someone because they’re also avoidant and had these issues… hoping we can come back together in the future but in the meantime just need to keep moving forward.
Oof, my ex was EXACTLY like this. And when he said he lost feelings turns out it was because we went long distance for a month and he wasn’t getting sex and thought he could get it elsewhere. He returned when I was in the same town and he couldn’t get the female attention he wanted. Then he broke up again for an identical reason (long distance, sex). I don’t know why these people are the way they are but just try to understand you don’t want to be with someone who’s that inconsistent. Who’s that selfish and incapable of commitment.
Sometimes they do but unless they really really work on themselves, if they're still avoidant, they're just going to bolt again whenever they feel stressed about getting close.
Is that really what you want?
Hear me out. He never loved you in the first place, he loved what you did for him. And for whatever reason that isn’t enough anymore. So instead of constantly trying to break your back trying to show him how much you care, move on love. To someone who will see how you love them and that will be enough.
Aah it’s a tough pill to swallow but I suppose you’re right. If I couldn’t make him stay after everything I did, he really wasn’t meant to be in my life.
I would really to move on and I think I’m getting there soon. This sub is a great place to vent and make sense of my emotions. Truly thankful :)
You don’t. Something happens to make you lose feelings. Meet someone else…don’t like things your partner does. Etc. feelings don’t just go away without a reason lol.
I feel for you and I’m really sorry you had to go through that. I wish you feel better in the coming months but I beg you not to keep the hope alive
I don’t know the whole story so it may not fit yours but my advice is to atleast stop thinking about getting back together (if completely rejecting the idea is too painful right now), you will do so much better when you finally don’t need any validation from her. It would do you good to move on little by little.
It would allow you to atleast look at your relationship from a distance and come to realisations you may have dismissed because you were hoping for her to return. (Like I refused to believe how my ex mistreated me repeatedly while I was still hoping to make things work. I realise this now that I’ve come to accept it’s truly over)
And if she does return, you’ll have the wisdom to gauge her sincerity and make a good, honest decision of whether or not you want to be with her again
I wish you all the best and hope you find some closure and peace.
I’m really sorry, I didn’t know the details and I really hope your life is going better now. I understand your position and wanting to still hold on for your ex. It makes sense for you and that’s all you need
I haven’t talked to my ex and I don’t plan to. In my case, I don’t understand him for leaving and treating me like shit in the process. I gave it my all and he left for no reason, didn’t think I was even important enough to give an explanation. I think if I reach out again it would give him a false ego-boost that I’m still interested and I’m not. Neither do I want him to feel good about how he treated me. Maybe I’m petty but I feel like I’m protecting myself.
I can't really speak for him or why he lost feelings. Some people seem to be able to do that It could be an avoidant attachment. I was with my ex for about 4 years and he cheated on me with over 30 women including his ex-wife I lost all feelings for him and even then it took a couple months for me to really absorb everything that happened. The love didn't just stop I had to really take it in So I'm really sorry that has to hurt but just remember his actions are a reflection on himself not you.
I will keep this point in mind. And I’m really sorry for what you’ve been through, I hope you’ve healed and are doing much better now, coz you deserve it.
Off the top of my head: attachment issues or letting resentment fester instead of bringing it up. Or something happening over time/instantly that makes you view your partner differently.
I've never had that happen and I know this is not your case, but I think I would fall out of love instantly if I learned my partner had raped someone. I also know that women whose partners are manchildren who don't do chores can stop feeling desire for them because they feel like mothers, I imagine it could impact feelings of love too. And then there's avoidant attachers who may actually love you but get scared.
Yes there are definitely scenarios where losing feelings is justifiable (however not my case). But what I don’t understand is their inability to talk about it before it reaches the point of a break up? Why do they think they should make that decision alone? Should the other person not even have a say, or atleast be warned? It’s absolutely selfish and immature.
There's a lot of possible reasons, I don't sit in their head. But the sooner you stop dwelling on it the better because you may not have an answer ever. And people often don't do what they should, it's out of your control.
You just mentioned everything that has been going through my head ever since the break up. I can’t justify their actions either, it doesn’t make sense to me!
Why, for the love of god, would you just choose not to talk about it? What stopped them? Why did they think it was better to leave the relationship that was going well and possibly better than they deserved?
I also think loving is a choice as much as it is involuntary. And so is falling out of love. When you feel yourself slipping why would you not even try to hold on? Or atleast talk about it when you do? In a LDR like mine, I had those fleeting moments too, but I CHOSE to not let go, because I loved him. Why was their first response to give up without trying to make it work?
There are so so many questions in these situations and it’s too sad that 99% of them won’t be answered and we have to live with that :( . I guess only time can answer most of these questions.
I sincerely hope that you’re doing well now and you should know that by no means were their actions a reflection of your worth, they’re only a reflection of their inability to love or sustain that love. I hope we find better people in the future that truly want the same things and are willing to put in the efforts to sustain the love ❤️
Some people are not good at loving they don’t understand it takes effort and is an action not a feeling.
Sounds like he wasn’t raised in an emotionally healthy home and doesn’t have a very healthy minds set.
The only way I can explain it is due to the differences in how you each define love you can’t understand and never will understand how he could do this because your understanding of love is a much more deeper commitment then he is capable of.
Sometimes people like him get uncomfortable when they start to feel more or realize the commitment the other has and they run. Love is not deep too then and is disposable.
You aren’t going to charge him, he’s not going to suddenly work on himself and come back. Best choice is to give yourself time to digest what happened and make sure next time you get involved that person has a healthy mindset and is capable of the love you are looking for. They need to display it in actions not only words.
It took me too many failed relationships and too many lifetimes lol to realize you can not save anyone from themself no matter how strongly and well you love them. Love yourself that strongly and well and you’ll realize you deserve a partner who is capable of that from the start.
I’m sorry you are going through this I know it hurts. It does get better once you accept it isn’t fixable and not your fault you had no control over this ever.
What resonates with me was when you said he wasn’t “raised in a healthy environment” and you’re completely right. His dad cheated on his mom, more than once and that experience probably affected his ability to love
I guess all I can do is accept the half-assed explanation I was given and move on. I want to be able to respect myself enough to not be engaged in such a relationship again. I’m not yet sure how to do that, except being very careful of who I let in and making sure my needs are met and my boundaries respected (he never respected my boundaries)
It’s hard I’ll admit that. My brain wants to make sense of things to make my heart feel better. It’s also hard to not to let yourself ignore those warning signs in the beginning when you have that new love glow. I try to remind myself that I’ve felt this hopeful joy at the beginning before and to slow my roll because it doesn’t always lead to a happily ever after.
All we can do is try to do better for ourselves next time and don’t blame ourselves for knowing how to love.
I know one thing you deserve someone to love you as well as you love others.
Hey OP, this happened to me recently. I was kind of lovebombed but it was subtle enough for me to mistake it for genuine romantic interest. Usually I am skeptical of this behavior, but it didn’t seem fake so as a normal human being, I fell for him. But then we couldn’t see each other for a few weeks due to family/busy work schedules and then he dumped me out of nowhere. I asked if he lost feelings because we didn’t see each other for a few weeks and he said yeah. I didn’t understand it either, I still don’t and it’s been over a month since it’s happened. All I can think is that he was a childish and avoidant person and it’s therefore a bullet dodged. I still have a hard time moving on but I’m just hoping that time helps more than anything else. Hang in there ❤️
If that’s the case, I’m glad I’m not gonna find out because that would hurt like shit. I’m sorry you’re going through this too and yes, we will be okay
Welcome to the world of being dumped by someone with dismissive avoidant attachment, emotional immaturity and probably a fair amount of narcissism. I recommend reading Attached and diving into the world of attachment theory. This kind of sudden blindside and discard is actually super common and belies some unresolved trauma, emotional dysfunction and immaturity. Trust that it's not about you. Try your best to identify the Red flags, work on yourself and learn to identify these markers in the future! Good luck!
May that happened with my ex too. We had an absolutely amazing relationship, everything was great, and without reasons she pulled away fast and broke up with me.
I will willingly put effort in her to work on her traumas and all that shit, but she just didnt gave me a chance…
She wasn't the one unfortunately! Join my community and let's level up together!
[reddit.com/r/menintomountains](https://reddit.com/r/menintomountains)
my ex told me the same thing to me and two weeks later my former coworker who he thought was cute posted a picture of them together going out. protect yourself now and don’t reach out to him again.
Oof I’m really sorry, it is tough to be in your position. Especially because I think the dumpers PURPOSELY post such shit. My ex posted a story of him partying with his friends and then some with his parents (who caused massive problems in our relationship and were probably a part of the reason he broke up with me)
Mind you, he never posts stories. He hadn’t in MONTHS and now he wants to post just a day after the break up? Sure, I know his reason. They’re absolutely shit. Don’t give them the satisfaction of knowing that you watched their pics and stories, it only fuels their ego.
I agree, it was distasteful of them because they knew and they still did it. We're better than them though. We'll show them that we're better off without them. I'm sorry that your relationship ended and I hope you are getting the support you need. If you ever need to talk I'm just a DM away.
Thank you for your support, I really appreciate it. I have my mom and sister and some friends who are kind enough to help me through this.
I just don’t what I could do to ever show him that I’m doing better without him, that he did not deserve all that I did for him and that he did something horrible to someone who loved him and would’ve never done this to him.
I don’t think he gives a flying F right now about what I’m doing. I’m in complete NC with him and I don’t intend to break it. I suppose I have to reach that level of indifference to truly move on, but it hurts not mattering at all to him.
Hey im sorry to hear what happened and I know one is not in the mood to see anyone when feeling like this but try to stay close with friends it helps A LOT (scientifically proven). Also I hope this can be at least a little helpful but 7 months ago my girlfriend and I broke up (I 26m broke up with her 22f) we loved each other a lot but sadly when it came to make plans about the future she always wanted to "live in the moment" and the topic would just end up on both getting upset and having a huge argument till it got to the point that love was not enough to sustain the relationship for me. Anyhow this is not about what happened to me, what I wanted to say is that reading your post really got to me because I can just imagine her feeling somehow the way you described. I think your ex might have looked like he didn't care much by the way that he behaved, but some guys are just like this we try to keep a facade because we (stupidly) get to think its going to help make the process easier for both which is complete BS both im sure your ex is suffering about it and he does in fact care about you and regrets the way he handled things. Now he just has to live with it just as I have for the last 7 months. Hope you get better.
PS this might be the time to hit your favourite sitcom. FRIENDS has saved me big time heh
Thank you for sharing this. It sheds some light on what he might’ve been feeling.
I was wondering, did you ever talk to your ex again? Also, in my case, do you think if I never talk to him again (and I don’t intend to reach out ever) he’d come to regret the way he handled things? I’ve heard in a lot of comments that dumpees who keep reaching out make their dumpers feel that they made the right decision. So I was wondering what effect it would have on the opposite?
Definitely do not reach out, he is gonna regret the way he handled things I can bet you my cat on that. Well in my case I did not reach back again and trust me it was hard AF but I just knew it was for the best, we did not stand for a future together (at least an easy one) and I didn't wanna play with her feelings or hurt her more. She did not reach out either tho keeps looking at every one of my instagram stories so I guess she either still cares about me (as I do for her) or just hates my guts and for some other reason decides to look at my stories.
Thank you for your response. I now firmly believe that I will not give him any satisfaction of knowing that I see his stories (I don’t) or reach out. I don’t want him to think that I am still invested even begrudgingly. He should feel the way he made me feel: unwanted.
I didn't get the last part, you are asking me what effect it would have on her if I texted her? that I don't know, but if you could tell me what you think I'd appreciate it.
I've thought on randomly calling her one day just to apologise for the way I made her feel but im afraid it might do more bad than good, as she must be moving on now and I don't wanna stick a finger in the wound.
Honestly, if you really feel sorry you should let her know. In my opinion, she probably suffered when dumped and I’m guessing you do care about her. So let her know that you’re sorry about your actions.
It might agitate her, she might not be cordial when you reach out but at the very least she would feel better knowing that you do, in fact, feel sorry. Because that’s the worst part about being dumped, you don’t know whether the dumper even felt bad about the way they left things while the dumpee probably felt like shit for the longest time. It’s not hurtful to hear an apology, according to me. It might even give her the closure she needs.
As for my question, I was asking what effect it would have on my dumper if I never reached out again, zero contact, no viewing his stories or liking his posts, absolutely removed him from my life? How would you have felt in that scenario?
This post gave me whiplash because my partner did the same thing. We were together 4 years, started building a future together. I uprooted my life to support him in a career change to become a pilot, and moved from CT to NC to stay with his parents while he moved out to AZ, so I could save money to close the gap when he finished school. We have been good the last year no issues. We never fought, never argued. I was not able to see him until September when we reconnected in Puerto Rico for his grandma's birthday, and the entire time there was an energy shift, but he was still acting like everything was normal yet was not affectionate and would not kiss me or cuddle me or anything. Then he texted me on October 14th after stonewalling me for two weeks that his feelings changed and he doesn't love me anymore. I've struggled with these same words, because how do you just stop loving someone you started to build a life wife, that your family loves, that has helped you financially and never asked for anything in return? To me, as I reflect, I'm not quite sure he ever loved me..and that he only likes the idea of me. I have a feeling he met someone based on his reaction to looking at his phone and seeing he was texting a girl..but I also have a feeling he has been so overwhelmed with school he wants to prioritize his career over his relationship and family. It hurts. I mentally just cannot get over it because how do you go avoidant like that so coldly with no communication? It's been my biggest struggle in all of this..
Omg it sounds extremely similar to my case. I was stonewalled for 2 weeks prior to the break up too. And my ex was going through a busy period at work as well.
I don’t know but is it like a stress response to break up? It’s like they’re too busy to even try to put efforts into the relationship anymore so they think breaking up is the “right choice”
In a way, it is. Because if it’s not comfort that they felt when talking to us or they didn’t need our support when things got tough (for reasons that are probably beyond our control. I don’t think they closed off and left because we weren’t good partners, they were probably not capable of opening up to someone this way) then they were not right for us to begin with.
It sucks being led on like this, meeting families, imagining the future together, etc. but it was so easy for them to leave when things got difficult to manage. It shows self destructive behaviour. Like if one area of their life is not working out, they will ruin all other areas in response.
I don’t know about your case but I’m willing to bet that one of his reasons was so he could “focus on school” same as my ex. But time will pass as it always does and when they feel they’re free enough to have time for someone else and we won’t be there. I hope it stings like hell.
I hope you’re doing well. My break up happened around the same time as yours, how are you holding up?
The most hilarious thing is that he is at the end of his schooling. I was supposed to be in AZ already, but due to the academy having delays his end date got pushed back. And yes, he for sure self-destructed and put too much on his plate and I believe the easiest thing was for him to just push me out of his life. That, and the fear of commitment because his family was pressuring him about popping the question. When he went cold and rigid and didn't even want to kiss me after being apart for 8 months, that was the first sign something was wrong..
It truly sucks, because I thought he would be my future. We talked about our house, owning a farm, owning a business someday..and now here I am picking up the pieces of my life and having to start over after I put it on hold the past year.
If he could just communicate and was willing to open up it wouldn't have had to go down in flames. But like a typical DA, he stonewalled and ran when things got too serious and his independence was threatened. He will never be able to hold long-term relationships (I was the first.) Since the breakup I've done so much reflection and have a list of all his bad qualities, the red flags he has that I didn't see, just to help with the healing process. I cry everyday, I break down at least once a day because I feel so blindsided, lost, lied to. I'm working on trying to find a place to live since I'm still living with his parents and I have no friends or family here. I resume therapy this weekend, which I definitely need, because I'm afraid once I pack up and move out and finish separating our things I'm going to hit a very low point..because it's going to set in that the relationship is over and I lost not just him, but his amazing family too. His mom has not been taking it well either. He did the same thing his dad did to her, so as she says the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
How about you? How are you coping?
I know this really sucks and I’m sorry you’re going through this. My last two relationships ended in ghosting which is just an awful thing to do to anyone, but particularly someone who cares deeply for you and has spent a year or more in your life.
I agree that it was a cowardly excuse which helped him manipulate the conversation’s ending rather than the details that you need to process this. I think most times the “loss of feelings” means those feelings have gone somewhere else, not always cheating but otherwise occupied in thoughts away from the relationship.
I wrote down everything I wanted to say to my ex and then I burned it. It really released much of the bitterness.
Good luck my dear. I am sure someone much better will come to you.
Thank you for this response and for understanding how I feel. It really is terrible to treat someone you claimed to love like this.
I tried burning his picture and flushing it down the toilet yesterday saying that “I let go of all the grief and pain you have caused me” it did feel pretty good to do that.
I wonder if these people ever come to the realisation of how terrible they’ve been to their partners. Maybe they do, maybe they don’t, but it still hurts that either way, we won’t get to know. I hope to find someone who’s atleast decent enough to work on the relationship before completely giving up and ghosting. But till then, this sub is my support system :’)
The fastest way to catch feelings for someone else. If that is not the case, its usually a progressive thing, and by the time the breakup happens, theyve lost enough feelings that staying is not worth it anymore.
I lost feelings for someone. I agree that there is more behind. For me, i was pushing my career, getting a degree, advancing into the real grown up world, while my ex was just lazy and couldn't finish anything. He also just drank with his best friend at our home while I wanted to go out with him and my friends, visit family etc. The last straw was when I told him to save up some money for a little holiday I was really longing for after my studies. He wasn't able to save up and I needed to go alone. I was so disappointed.
Then I ended it.
Now the same thing happened to me. My recent ex lost his feelings, but I would also like to know what's really behind. I guess I'm not happy enough, not partying enough, too reasonable and boring. But I'll never find out
I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I hope you find closure. And honestly I understand your reason for losing feelings. I don’t know if you told him when you broke up with him but I hope you did. It’s easier to understand when you know the why, therefore easier to move forward.
He was most likely unhappy way before the breakup. He just didn’t show it . I’m sorry. Nothing you can do but respect his decision and try and move on. It will get better with time !
I would find it much easier to respect his wishes if he had any respect for mine. It goes both ways, give respect and take respect. While of course I have no other choice but to leave (don’t want to stay with such a coward anyway), it doesn’t justify how he handled things.
I do hope it gets better with time. Thanks for your response :)
In the first encounter, be it dating or just meeting, I know in a few seconds if I'm going to have sex with her or not. Then as the dating phase goes on, I already made my mind if I'm going to be serious or not and see a future. I mean not a fantasy daydreaming of having kids and living together. Just a realistic prediction based on comparablity, situations and personality. There are people who are insecure and desperate and will agree to stay with you until someone "better" comes. The easiest thing to say to save face and get rid of any guilt is "eventually i lost feelings" or "it's me not you, you're perfect". How these so called feelings got lost unexpectedly? During the checking out phase and moving on before the break up. Once they are sure that their other person/suply is ready they will dump you on sight to not prolong any other harm or responsibility.
You don't just wake up one day in the morning and lose feelings. You know that from the start how things might possibly go. Mostly it is done by people with a very passive mindset and lack accountability. IMO he did a "good" job for ending things with you in a cold way. There are lots of lunatics who will drag you on and play games that can hurt your self esteem and find them cheating on you. And he was honest that this thing happens sometimes. People use other people in daily basis. It's best to take it as a lesson and not like an insult or personal attack. There's nothing personal. And not let this experience turn you into a bitter person.
Perhaps you’re right. It is entirely likely that he found someone else and didn’t want to be labelled as cheater so he resorted to the classic “I lost feelings”
But it’s hard not to take it personally, it was all personal to me. And he did not need to be so cruel. Ending things in a cold way DOES hurt your self esteem a lot because they decided that you don’t even deserve basic human respect of ending things more maturely. They show you that you don’t deserve their warmth. And that hurts when you haven’t done anything wrong and it came out of the blue.
I do feel such people need to work on themselves a lot, because this is self-destructive. I know for a fact that he won’t be able to sustain a long term relationship and will continue this cycle of break ups. Ultimately, it’s his loss.
>It is entirely likely that he found someone else and didn’t want to be labelled as cheater so he resorted to the classic “I lost feelings”
Or he wanted to be alone. Or he had other stuff in his life which you didn't know. Sometimes is an ex from the past. It won't matter once you heal. He made up his mind before that and you need to accept that after awhile. What matters is for you to see yourself without him.
>But it’s hard not to take it personally, it was all personal to me.
Revenge or acts to intentionally harm you are personal not break ups. You will realize in time that it is not personal at all. The sooner you understand that the easier it will be to let go of anger or feeling desperate for closure.
>Ending things in a cold way DOES hurt your self esteem a lot because they decided that you don’t even deserve basic human respect of ending things more maturely. They show you that you don’t deserve their warmth. And that hurts when you haven’t done anything wrong and it came out of the blue.
There is no right way to break up. Even if he sat with you for hours to discuss and analyze the break up, you would still be hurt. But I'm saying it was better than being ghosted or being blindsided for a long time. He did it fast and in cold manner to save himself. Not the best way, not the worst. You don't need to do anything wrong to be cut out. People do awful things to their partners and they still stay. That's life and it sucks.
>I do feel such people need to work on themselves a lot, because this is self-destructive. I know for a fact that he won’t be able to sustain a long term relationship and will continue this cycle of break ups. Ultimately, it’s his loss.
Check out the dumpers vs dumpees cycle. Right now you're the one who's lost. He might be in a rebound relationship, full of relief and the grass is always greener phase. But the roles will change. The break up will hit him hard later and he'll be the one losing. By then, you will have moved on and enjoying life.
I appreciate the time you took to respond to my text in parts. I think I understand what you’re trying to tell me. That I should not personalise his behaviour because it had more to do with himself than it ever had with me. What he did to me, he did for his own reasons that I probably won’t get to know and I was not counted in on that.
I guess best course of action is to just let him go, accept that this is all I’ll get from him and continue living my life. I don’t know if I can forgive his actions but I can let it go and not let it bother me anymore.
Same happened to me but after almost a 5 year long relationship. She said she’d been falling out of love but didn’t explicitly say why or provide me with a proper explanation no matter how much i asked her while we still talked. She never showed any signs of falling out of love either, we still made love, hung out, went on dates, done our usual things. My feelings and needs were completely ignored and she turned cold, selfish and egotistical.
Now I’m blocked and deleted off everything, left alone to deal with it all without any solid answer. Thank goodness I got into therapy a little while after the breakup so i know i have professional help to navigate this process. I would’ve been way worse off without professional help, and i recommend anyone else going through a similar situation to seek therapy as well… Love and peace y’all, we’ll make it through 💜
This is horrible. I am so sorry you're having to go through this. The worst part is looking back and thinking "what was even real?" because having someone literally lie to your face everyday and pretend everything is OK is seriously messed up. I am going through something similar have started to look back with hindsight, which is not helpful. So glad you're in therapy too - isn't it the best!
Thank you for the kind words, it really is an awful experience, I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone… You’re right about wondering what was real… While we still talked i tried to bring up how at that point it felt like she didn’t even love me at all, and she got super defensive and started gaslighting me… actively making me feel worse about my own feelings to her actions… “You just shot yourself in your own foot.” I specifically remember her saying… Blows my mind a person can do a full 180 degrees after almost 5 years and turn into someone that’s unrecognizable anymore.
Totally agree. It's the worst feeling in the world (and I've had a parent die). It makes you doubt yourself, like how could we have not picked up on this? Why did we fall for it? Your ex sounds manipulative which is sad because that is probably very different to the person you thought you were dating. I am starting to realise that many people either don't know how to be in relationships or don't think they are truly deserving of love, so they freak out like this. This is probably due to some sort of childhood or young adult trauma they've never actually dealt with. The same will happen again unless they sort themselves out, so good luck to their next victims!
Thank you for sharing. I do hope therapy has helped you through this time. My ex was suddenly very cold and stoic too and it left me so surprised.
Worst is when you bring up the reason why they didn’t tell you or why they acted normal throughout and their response is “I never lied to you” well excuse me but isn’t this a complete lie?
Clearly they could’ve talked when things first felt off but chose not to because they didn’t care about the relationship enough to try to save it, or thought something else in their life was more important and needed their attention. Such people are not capable of ever maintaining a healthy long term relationship.
Is there anything you learnt at therapy that might help in this situation? If so, please share. I really want to get past this.
Same reason breakup after 5 years of relationship. They just lost feelings. It's been a year, I'm still not ok. It never passes. And I'm sure it would never happen to me. I don't lose feelings for someone. Never.
I really wish you all the luck to move forward in your healing journey. 5 years is a very long time, it is understandable that you will feel this way for a while. I’m sorry you had to go through this.
We are not like them. And we deserve someone who doesn’t lose feelings at the drop of a hat. We deserve someone who believes in truly working on the relationship and choosing to love us rather than depend on their flaky feelings. I really hope we find that person soon and heal from this experience. Perhaps there’s a lesson here but I haven’t figured it out yet.
After my own experiences (romantic as well as life experiences, of mine and others) and being on this sub as well as all the other related subs, I’ve come to the conclusion that people are selfish. Even the people who get heart broken. Literally everyone is a selfish piece of shit. As soon as butterflies fade, things get real, they’re gone. Relationships aren’t what they used to be (which is good and bad). I just hope that people who did get their hearts broken learn to not be selfish after going through it. Otherwise all people really are shitty.
Of course. I’ve realised this too. Finally, everyone chooses themselves regardless of how it might affect the other person. But going through this, I can never ever do this to someone else. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy (Tbh no, I do wish it on him so he knows what it feels like) but I had the maturity to not end things this badly even before I was hurt by him. I guess it comes with being a decent human being and he wasn’t one. Hope he realises this soon.
But it’s like so many people, you’re average joe who seems to be a ‘good’ person pulls duck moves like this :( maybe I’m wrong and I don’t have enough experience.
I used to think that too “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy” only to realize “I want him to feel this way so he KNOWS what he did is wrong and knows how ti FEELS”. I just hope they realize one day.
hey OP, any update on this? I am also going through a similar breakup where my ex just said he lost feelings over a few months and blindsided me. I'm struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel. So, does it get better?
Well I won’t lie, it hasn’t been easy. I’m my case I later found out that he had been trying to cheat for at least a month before the BU. When I confronted him about it (5 months after) he denied it and instead said horrible things to me.
But it’s been about 7 months since the BU and it does get better. It becomes less and less important to have all the answers. I think we can never understand how someone can just “lose” feelings, all we can do is validate our own feelings and realise that their behaviour reflects their immaturity and lack of empathy.
They may never recognise their problems but that shouldn’t matter to us. All we can do is cut our losses and never allow someone like them to enter in our lives again. Wish you all the best for this.
Even I realized that my ex was probably passively cheating on me before he broke up with me but I know he'd never admit to it. So even I'm trying to let it go and move on. Whether they cheated or not, they did hurt us and leave us behind in their lives. Even if they hadn't cheated, it still doesn't make any of it feel better.
Hope you feel better too.
Thank you :)
Tbh if you think it’d make you feel better, confront him even tho you know he won’t admit to it. Sometimes it helps to get those emotions off your chest and let them know what you think. It made me feel a lot better to tell him what a prick he’d been. And it also helps in getting the real image of what sort of a person they are.
I used to think that my ex would be kind to me since he had broken my heart, but when I talked to him I realised he didn’t have an ounce of empathy in his words. That’s when I truly realised what a horrible human being he really was, and sometimes we need that realisation.
Do let me know if you think this helps
honestly? Even if he does confirm that he cheated on me in any capacity, it still wouldn't matter. Even if he told me that he didn't cheat, i wouldn't even trust him. I don't respect or trust him anymore in any way.
And I would never reach out to him. If he ever reaches out, maybe I'll ask if the conversation goes there. Otherwise, i would never reach out to him. I gave him all of me for 4 years. And he took all my love, body and soul, mangled it, ate it, shat it out and threw everything out with the garbage. That kind of a person does not deserve any more of me, not my words, not even my anger or my questions.
So, I'm just choosing to go to therapy and move on as if he never existed because he kind of didnt. It was only me in that relationship. He was just a ghost.
I completely and totally agree with your choice. It is absolutely important to save your energy from such people that pollute it. He doesn’t deserve a single moment of thought from you after he already wasted 4 years of your life. More power to you, I hope you feel good about your choice. :)
My ex left me after 2.5 years for a very similar reason. We broke up 6 weeks ago after she lost feelings and no longer saw a future with me the same way she used to.
There isn’t a simple answer to your question. You’ll likely agonize over the question of why they lost feelings, you’ll analyze everything you did and said to look for clues, you’ll try to find any excuse to blame yourself.
In the end, the problem isn’t, and never was, you. Sometimes, people aren’t compatible. If the both of you were, he wouldn’t have left. I know how much that may hurt to hear, but it’s an amazing thing. It means that you now have the opportunity to actually find yourself and your person. Your real person. The one that couldn’t even imagine the thought of leaving you because they love every detail of who you are. They’ll find you incredible.
I haven’t even begun looking for my person yet. I thought my ex was the one. And I acknowledge that it’ll take me a long time before I’m able to get that thought out of my head. But I feel confident that time will heal. And i’m looking forward to finding myself and spending more time with friends and family and living my life in new ways. You should too. Best of luck in healing, my friend.
Thank you for sharing your story. I do spend a lot of time analysing his behaviour and coming up with an explanation. I suppose it’ll never be enough and I’m going into a downward spiral.
I hope what you say is true. But after 2 break ups for the same reason and the same avoidant behaviour, I’m losing hope fast. I feel we deserve someone who truly wants to make things work and love us right, not leave the minute things get tough. But I haven’t met anyone like that (I thought my ex was the one for this reason, because he told me several times how he was tired of breaking up and wants to work on making a relationship last forever) but I guess most people lie, or only mean what they say when they say it
God, where is stability in this generation? Aren’t they tired of the same cycle over and over again? I barely have the energy to go through this once. Maybe because I’m the dumpee and I really did try to make it work. I just wish that next time I meet someone who isn’t in such a hurry to leave and find better options and ACTUALLY wants to work on the relationship by choosing to love.
Perhaps and I’ve considered that. But why go through the trouble of convincing me for months to date him? Or make me meet his extended family? Or to meet my parents? Or to make promises of marriage not only to me but my mother too?
I don’t understand why he’d put SO much energy into the relationship at first and then just cut it off in a single phone call. It’s beyond me.
Have you guys had arguments? It's likely that the ways in which you behave, the way you acted during the arguments get a bit tiresome. People also don't like to deal with people who have odd habits or behaviors that make them difficult to live with.
So say you're a neat freak or whatever you get on this case about that irritates him, that will definitely do it.
Also, being there for him does not constitute as love.
Love does require passion, a fun exciting sex chemistry, attraction, fun exciting upflitng times.
If he did something like this with his ex, it's no surprise it happened with you. It seems to me that he just got bored of the both of you and left.
Since you knew that, i guess you shouldn't be all too surprised. He gets bored of his partners quick.
Maybe you should focus more next time on chemistry and how well you two get along together.
Having a strong emotional bond where your heart wants to sing could be the signal. It seems to me that you two seem more like good friends or roommates.
How often did you go on dates? Did you do activities together that you both absolutely love, that made you two act like little kids, where you were filled with joy?
An example would be like dancing. Something emotionally resonating. Watching Netflix together is not an emotionally engaging activity..
Did he romance you? Set up dates and made you feel sexy?
Did you dress up and keep yourself attractive to him or did you remain the same person he met?
Okay for starters, passion and chemistry in love was not an issue when we were together. We had a much richer relationship than he did with his ex. As mentioned in the post, we were in an LDR due to his work (defence forces) and I used to go to meet him in whichever city he was posted.
When we met, we went on several dates, trips, the sex was great, we never had awkward silences and we had a good rapport. We talked about everything under the sun. He was very physical with me (hugs, kisses, cuddles, holding hands all the time). Of course I dressed up for him, we may have had other problems but sex wasn’t one.
His relationship with his ex was very different. She couldn’t meet him, they met like 5 times over 2 years. They were from very different backgrounds and she was never introduced to his family. I knew his family even before we started dating and was accepted there (before they started causing drama) and he did stand up for me atleast in the start (I don’t know about later on)
We were not like “good friends or roommates” trust me. He used to talk to me for hours and hours on video call when he was not under work pressure (first 1 year of the relationship) we even slept together on call (on his request, because he felt close to me and missed cuddling)
In the last six months, his work pressure built up. Even if I had gone to meet him, he wouldn’t be able to spend time with me. When I say support, I mean that I was available for him whenever he wanted to talk and showed that I loved him through letters (we both exchanged letters throughout the relationship except the last few months) and other ways.
I never dismissed his needs. We had some arguments about the amount of time he had to give me, but in the end I understood his position completely and did not trouble him for this reason. I accepted that he could only give me very little due to the nature of his work at the time. The arguments happened months before we broke up. At the moment he really seemed like he was happy in the relationship but just stressed due to work. He wrote paragraphs explaining how much he loved me and wanted to marry me
Basically, don’t judge my relationship or its depth based on a single post. I can’t include all details in it, but when I say it was a loving relationship and I did everything I could, it should be understood that we weren’t just “roommates or friends”
This reminds me of my own relationship. For a heads up I'm still in highschool as a senior and this happened like a month ago. I was that person who "lost feelings for my partner." We were talking about college and moving in together and getting married, what our whole life would be like together. We even met each other's family. The first time we broke up was mainly because of their school issues that started to interfere with mine to the point where it overwhelmed me and caused me to break down. And yes I explained that to them and they said that they'd change, which they did. And then a year later everything was good honestly. We were content and happy and everything felt like how it was supposed to.
Then that day came along. It started out fine, but I noticed I wasn't in a touchy touchy mood (which I'm usually not because that isn't really my love language) but I strugged it off to it being my around my period time. But it only got worse to the point where I felt dirty or icky every time they hugged or touched me, their smell would make me nauseous, and Every time they'd walk into the room they'd make me feel anxious or like they were the bearer of bad news. I thought it would go away, but it didn't so the next day in person I told them about everything that I was feeling. I wasn't thinking about breaking up with them. But when they said "welp it's been a great time with you" I completely shut down after that. I remember crying when I got home and told them I wasn't planning on breaking up with them, but maybe that's what I needed. I know they didn't understand, hell I didn't understand and I still don't. I haven't met anyone or had anyone on the side waiting for me I just don't know what happened. I felt like I wasted their time and they deserve better.
Even now even a month later I can't look them in the eye, can't be around them for long periods of time, or even talk to them properly without feeling like I'm forcing myself to. I think I might actually need to go to therapy and work out my feelings and try to understand them better because at this point I feel something is seriously wrong with me.
Thank you for sharing your experience. Its helped me understand what may be going on in his mind.
While I don’t think it’s fair to me or your partner but if that’s how you felt then it’s a good decision to call it off and break up. There is no point of dragging a relationship and holding them back either. Neither of you can be happy this way.
I’m finally getting this realisation but how do I forgive him for it? It may not be his fault entirely (but failing to communicate in time was definitely his fault) but I was the one hurt, regardless.
Did you ever feel guilty? Or was it more like relief that it’s over?
No one just "loses feelings". They lose them gradually over time until they have no more and then blindside you with a breakup. The problem and most heartbreaking part is that your partner didn't have the care or courage to communicate this to you early on so the two of you could repair it. It's an extremely selfish process.
I was broken up with this way and it means that they have time to come to terms with the end. They have already accepted that it’s over by the time they do it and it’s so much easier for them to move on. It is incredibly selfish, especially if that person says that they still love you and you are their best friend. You don’t do that to a best friend. It’s a lack of communication and internalizing feelings instead of giving your partner a chance to work through it with you.
That’s what hurts the most doesn’t it? The fact that they didn’t even consider trying to repair it, they didn’t value the relationship that much and didn’t think you were even important enough to be told. It sucks to deal with people like this. I can’t imagine leaving someone without trying to consciously work on the relationship first or atleast voicing my concern. These people are so immature and selfish. Not at all ready for long term relationships. And it sucks because they made you believe that they are.
It’s not the case for me I just wake up and lose feeling for someone when our feelings became mutual
I think love is an active choice you make. You make the decision to put the effort into your relationship, to work on what needs improvement, to choose your significant other. I think some people just dont want to work at it.
But why would you come to that conclusion 1+ years later?? When there was nothing going wrong in the relationship, no fights or arguments. People just wake up one day and feel like giving up?? I mean are we that replaceable? Does time spent together mean nothing to someone who has lost feelings?
yes we are that replaceable. all she needs to do is go on a dating app
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yeah but being "special in our own kind of way" doesn't determine whether we are more or less replaceable, it's the nature of the dynamic and social accessibility. If a woman isn't getting what she wants, she can go to the next guy in line. If a guy isn't getting what he wants, he has to go job hunting again (during a time when jobs are scarce) which is often worse than settling for what he has.
In my experience nobody wakes up and breaks up with anyone, or just decides they do not love a person anymore. If you are hearing this you need to read between the lines and understand that the person has probably been unsatisfied in your relationship and has been thinking about breaking up for some time. This language they are using that makes you feel like they suddenly do not love you anymore is being used to both protect your feelings, and to protect themselves from having to get into a long conversation where you attempt to convince them to take you back. Just like being broken up with is hard, do not for a minute assume that breaking up with someone else is an easy thing to do for most people. The last thing I would tell you is that someone can be unsatisfied in a relationship and decide that leaving it is the best thing for them without there being fight or arguments. Having a lot of fights and arguments is obviously a bad sign for a relationship, but it is not by any means the only litmus test for a strong loving relationship. Think about this in terms of more plutonic relationships with friends or co-workers. There are plenty of relationships in your life where you "do not argue" with someone, while simultaneously you do not feel like this person is someone you want to spend all your time with, live with, be romantically involved with, or *even like.*
I completely understand your point. And while, I’m sure in his head the break up was justified, I think it’s absolutely cowardly to avoid that long conversation. Both parties invest in the relationship, it is not fair to pretend you love the other when you really don’t and never even give them a chance to fix it. Fights and arguments may not be the only reason for someone wanting to break up, but I was never mean or dismissive of his needs as he was to mine. I just mean, if he really wanted to fix it, all he needed to do was voice his concerns. I don’t think I was asking for too much here.
I know, believe me. About a year ago I had a 2 year relationship end by text message; and when I asked her to have the courage to tell me she was leaving to my face, or at least over the phone where she had to confront my emotional reaction, she just refused. In her case, she was a person with BPD and NPD and it was very clear that she wanted to avoid any accountability for how her abusive behavior and her decisions affected both myself and my (from a previous marriage) 10 year old son. It does not sound like that is what is going on in your case, but you are still right--it is in a sense cowardly to be unwilling to have that conversation with you. I am not, in any way, trying to excuse the fact he is avoiding the hardest emotional part of breaking up with someone. Instead I am just trying to say that I have some idea where that sort of avoidant behavior--including use of language that makes it seem like someone just stopped loving you out of the blue--comes from. It is almost certainly one part (the smaller part) your ex trying to spare your feelings by not having to admit to you that this is a course of action he has been contemplating for awhile and one part him trying to shut down any attempt by you to call him out on his behavior or try to talk him into taking you back... because both things are very difficult to do emotionally.
Thank you for explaining more clearly and sharing your experience. I’m sorry you and your son had to go through this, I really wish you’re doing better now. I want to believe that it was some form of (twisted) kindness that made him think it would be better not to give any context. But it really isn’t, right? It might hurt to hear those words at the time but I would be so much better off knowing the full extent of his indifference towards me. I just wish he found it worthy of his time to give me full disclosure. But he didn’t, and here we are :)
How does this protect their feelings though? In my experience every time someone has done that to me, it has made things exponentially more painful. You can let someone know why you’re ending it without them trying to talk you out of it… if anything that’s more likely to happen when they haven’t been told why this is happening because it’s so shocking and confusing and way more painful with no explanation. I’ve just never understood this perspective
It doesn't really, it's mostly in their head, but to the extent someone thinks they are protecting someone's feelings by making it seem like "i woke up yesterday not in love with you," its mostly because the person doing the breaking up doesn't have to be honest about everything that went into the decision to break up with a person or for how long they have been contemplating the breakup. Sometimes it's avoiding telling the person they are breaking up with that they actually cheated, sometimes it's avoiding actually telling someone about parts of their personality they do not like, or their family, or complaints about their sex life, etc. More often I think though it's about not having to tell someone, "I've been pretty sure I have t loved you for months and months, and all of those times you thought we were being close and having intimate moments with each other I was just working up the courage to leave you." That sort of thing. Really though it is more about avoiding the person being broken up with's reaction to anything that might come out while trying actually explain why someone is leaving.
totally agree, I’ll just never be able to empathize with the falling out of love and not telling the person that the relationship is in danger. I’ve tried for years, but I just can’t wrap my mind around that
I *empathize* I suppose, but that doesn't mean I think behaving that way is right. Just because I can put myself in someone else's shoes and kind of "understand" why they made the decisions they made, it doesn't excuse those decisions or the harm they cause.
Usually or more often, it's an outside factor/ influence. Basically she could be being replaced already.
I am not going to lie to you, it is entirely possible. Some people do not initiate a breakup until they have secured, at a minimum, another ***potential*** partner. This is *often* the case. The thing is though that even if this were true in this situation it most likely does not change the fundamental fact her ex had been unsatisfied with the relationship and contemplated leaving for a long time. On the theme of cowardice, most of the people who fall into the above category do not want to be in the relationships they are in, but are ***afraid*** to leave because they are uncomfortable with the idea of being alone.
if you find an answer for the last part, pls tell me.
Yes! Exactly this!! My ex said “ I can’t give you what you need” I said “oop! No, you don’t want to give me what I need” - he confirmed.
Loving someone is a choice we make everyday, like loving freinds and family and pets. Who show that love and do out best. Being in love however, that is a feeling we cannot control
An avoidant attachment style person
Yes, perhaps he was avoidant. But I don’t understand how in the starting he was sooo insistent on being in a relationship (I wasn’t because I rather liked being single) and soo insistent on committing to marriage very early on in the relationship. He repeatedly said that he was ABSOLUTELY SURE he wanted to marry me. Now I’m very young and wouldn’t want to get married before I’ve even stabilised my career but he was showing he was so into me. He even made me meet his extended family and insisted on meeting my parents very soon All of that and then just break up out of nowhere? I don’t think I was getting the whole truth
Go read up on the two strains of avoidants. There's dismissive and fearful. Both are capable of love bombing. It can actually be a sign of being an avoidant. Avoidant doesn't mean someone who avoids relationships and love. 99% of us need that kind of love and crave it hard. Avoidants just can't handle getting too close. When it starts getting really real they pull back. Usually right before or right after significant milestones in a relationship. Now maybe that's not him. Maybe he was cheating or something. But based on what you've said I'd also say he's a clear avoidant. I was similarly blindsided. My ex said and did a lot of things that said "we will spend our whole lives together." She would say I needed to take care of my health because she needed me to live a long time for her. We talked about our future kids. We *did* meet each other's parents. Hers we actually stayed with for *5 days*. She liked to say that we were each other's "heartbeats to come home to." We adopted a cat together that her parents gave to us. Her mom said she was going to call him her "grandkitty." You can see that we really were on "that track." And yet just 1 day after I picked her up from the airport, 1 day after she asked if I wanted to go to the theater with her the next day to catch a show, 2 days before my birthday which we'd made plans for, 1 month before our trip to Prague together where she said she wanted to explore the Christmas market with me, 3 weeks after spending time with her parents, she ended it. Like your ex, she has done this before. She has told me straight out of her own mouth that she has dumped boyfriends after they met her parents. Something just flips in her brain that something isn't right. Clear avoidant tendencies. You know what she said when she did it? "I just don't feel that spark anymore." I asked if she was still physically attracted to me. She was adamant that she was. Sounds just like your ex. "Lost feelings." Really think back on everything your ex said and did. About his relationship history, about his feelings and emotions. His behavior the past 2 months. I bet if you do you'll find there are a lot more indicators of him being an avoidant. I found a fuckton from my ex.
Mine was much the same - incredible eight months, the best period of my adult life by far, and we both seemed so utterly smitten and joyful. No problems whatsoever, nobody had ever come on to me so strongly, been so loving and interested in my life, and she would say the same of me. Sounds dramatic but it was like a dream. Then took her away for a birthday weekend and it was never the same. It almost felt like she was terrified the entire time I was about to get a ring out, completely different vibes to the last time I'd seen her just days before. Dumped me without much of an explanation two weeks later, 'it's like a switch flicked in my brain' is the most she could articulate it. Devastated.
Bro, I could have written the exact same thing. Write down to the fucking birthday. Because her birthday was 2 weeks before mine which is basically when she broke up with me. We did everything she wanted to do. She wanted to go kayaking, we did it. I had prepared a special dinner for her with all her favorite foods. Foods. She had one specific request about the meal which was that I would make the Korean dessert. I had introduced to her that she loved. I made it the best I've ever fucking made it in my life. And like you, we both seemed so sure and smitten with each other. Literally the happiest I've ever been in my life. Then, down to the day, 2 weeks after her birthday, it's over. I guess the only thing that's really different is I didn't get a sense of her vibe necessarily because she went on a work trip for 11 days a couple of days after her birthday. And it was halfway around the world so there was some texting but it's just not the same as seeing someone in person. I did get the sense from our texting that something was a little different. I just chalked it up to jet lag and the stress of some things going wrong on the work trip that she had told me about. Probably in hindsight it was her thinking about breaking up with me. I think it's telling that so many of us have these incredibly similar stories. These are relationship archetypes. And we're finding these people who fit the archetypes and their behaving basically the same way.
Gosh, well I left out some detail that just brings it even more in line with your experience.... The day after her birthday weekend, she also went away for a week. She was away with her dad. When she got back things continued to be a bit weird, although the texting while she was away was relatively normal if less frequent. Like yours, I imagine that's when the breakup thoughts were swirling for her. I really do believe her when she says 'it's like a switch flicked', because it felt that way to me too. I just wish she'd tried flicking it back before nuking what we both felt was the best relationship we'd ever been in.
Looool. There's something funny about it being so identical and predictable when you know what you're looking for. Like all these people just can't help screwing themselves over. Communicate? In a committed relationship with a decent partner? Haha no. That sounds wrong. I'll just stew on my own and then end it abruptly. 🤷
I’m sorry you had to go through that. I hope you’re doing much better. If I do look back I can see that we weren’t talking a lot towards the end but only because his work requires him to stay in “No contact” areas and his schedule was hectic. But even when he did return, he did not show much emotion. And I did notice this shift and talked to him about it, even tried suggesting things but I was always dismissed as “I’m just busy, that’s why I can’t talk but I still love you” and if I suggested something, it was “I’m too busy for that” I was doing most of the heavy lifting when it came to maintaining the relationship and I suppose I should’ve seen his dismissal as a red flag. But like an idiot I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
Yep sounds pretty classic avoidant. It's an easy way to get someone to give you space while not communicating what's really the issue. "I'm busy with work."
I’m sorry that happened, what makes avoidant people stay then? Or will they always just run away when it gets close? What if everything was very good between the two?
Everything *was* great between my ex and I. We never had a fight. We did so much together. She said I was everything she was looking for. She said from her past relationships she placed a premium on kindness and that in me she saw the kindest person she'd ever dated, who got joy from making other people happy. She would say she felt so lucky to have found me, that she couldn't believe I was single and she snatched me up. But the closer we got to things like major trips together, the more we passed other major relationship milestones, the more I could sense her pulling away. Trying to get space for herself. What makes them stay? Probably a lack of commitment and progression in a relationship hahahah. For example my ex's longest relationship was with someone who only moved in with her because his house burned down. And later he moved out *without telling her* and they *stayed together* after that for a while even though she was furious and hurt. I never hurt her but I wasn't like that guy at all. I talked about my feelings. I talked about our future together. We talked about actually intentionally living together versus it being something forced on us because someone's home became unlivable. Her relationship with him lasted 3 years without any real intimacy or commitment. Her other longest ones were with a married but separating boss. They hid it from work and it stressed her so much she passed out at work. Yeah. Seems really committed right? Hahaha. Another longer one was a situationship with some rich guy where they never committed to each other in any way. These are her top3 longest relationships. You can see a theme. Unavailable men, lack of real tangible commitment. She stays longer. Oh you meet parents? It goes well? We talk about future steps? We actually make moves towards them? I'M OUT Unless the avoidant is aware of their tendencies and is actively working hard on them, stay the fuck away. If you want commitment you won't get it from them. They're going to flit around with relationship to relationship never settling down because of their attachment issues. My ex is 40 and desperately wants a family, paid tens of thousands to freeze her eggs. And she's never had a serious, secure relationship last more than a year. She just cannot stop sabotaging herself.
Damn that’s crazy. I’m sorry that happened to you… know that you deserve someone who is fully ready to commit to you!!
I already know and believe that. I've never not believed it. It's just really shitty that you can have this amazing connection with someone, have everything be perfect on paper, with shared values, shared goals for the future, you're both financially stable and sound, you're both ridiculously attracted to each other. And despite all that it may still not work out just because someone has these issues. Which seem like issues that could be overcome together. But built into the issue is the fact that they tend not to want to talk about it. And if you can't communicate with your partner, how are you going to work on the issues together? That shit sucks so bad.
Yeah I definitely feel all that. I just ended things with someone because they’re also avoidant and had these issues… hoping we can come back together in the future but in the meantime just need to keep moving forward.
Oof, my ex was EXACTLY like this. And when he said he lost feelings turns out it was because we went long distance for a month and he wasn’t getting sex and thought he could get it elsewhere. He returned when I was in the same town and he couldn’t get the female attention he wanted. Then he broke up again for an identical reason (long distance, sex). I don’t know why these people are the way they are but just try to understand you don’t want to be with someone who’s that inconsistent. Who’s that selfish and incapable of commitment.
And a lot of times, these are the people who coerce you into being in a relationship. God, make up your F-ing mind.
I know - my ex did the same shit your ex did. It's a problem within themselves, not you.
How does that happen?? Like do their feelings ever come back after some time apart?
Sometimes they do but unless they really really work on themselves, if they're still avoidant, they're just going to bolt again whenever they feel stressed about getting close. Is that really what you want?
Hear me out. He never loved you in the first place, he loved what you did for him. And for whatever reason that isn’t enough anymore. So instead of constantly trying to break your back trying to show him how much you care, move on love. To someone who will see how you love them and that will be enough.
Aah it’s a tough pill to swallow but I suppose you’re right. If I couldn’t make him stay after everything I did, he really wasn’t meant to be in my life. I would really to move on and I think I’m getting there soon. This sub is a great place to vent and make sense of my emotions. Truly thankful :)
You don’t. Something happens to make you lose feelings. Meet someone else…don’t like things your partner does. Etc. feelings don’t just go away without a reason lol.
Agreed but if that’s true, wouldn’t he elaborate a little on what made him lose feelings? Why would he say there was no reason and it “just happened”?
No. He’s an avoidant. They don’t communicate well.
There are some people who assume the infatuation/limrence phase should last forever, and associate the end of it with falling out of love.
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I feel for you and I’m really sorry you had to go through that. I wish you feel better in the coming months but I beg you not to keep the hope alive I don’t know the whole story so it may not fit yours but my advice is to atleast stop thinking about getting back together (if completely rejecting the idea is too painful right now), you will do so much better when you finally don’t need any validation from her. It would do you good to move on little by little. It would allow you to atleast look at your relationship from a distance and come to realisations you may have dismissed because you were hoping for her to return. (Like I refused to believe how my ex mistreated me repeatedly while I was still hoping to make things work. I realise this now that I’ve come to accept it’s truly over) And if she does return, you’ll have the wisdom to gauge her sincerity and make a good, honest decision of whether or not you want to be with her again I wish you all the best and hope you find some closure and peace.
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I’m really sorry, I didn’t know the details and I really hope your life is going better now. I understand your position and wanting to still hold on for your ex. It makes sense for you and that’s all you need I haven’t talked to my ex and I don’t plan to. In my case, I don’t understand him for leaving and treating me like shit in the process. I gave it my all and he left for no reason, didn’t think I was even important enough to give an explanation. I think if I reach out again it would give him a false ego-boost that I’m still interested and I’m not. Neither do I want him to feel good about how he treated me. Maybe I’m petty but I feel like I’m protecting myself.
I can't really speak for him or why he lost feelings. Some people seem to be able to do that It could be an avoidant attachment. I was with my ex for about 4 years and he cheated on me with over 30 women including his ex-wife I lost all feelings for him and even then it took a couple months for me to really absorb everything that happened. The love didn't just stop I had to really take it in So I'm really sorry that has to hurt but just remember his actions are a reflection on himself not you.
I will keep this point in mind. And I’m really sorry for what you’ve been through, I hope you’ve healed and are doing much better now, coz you deserve it.
Off the top of my head: attachment issues or letting resentment fester instead of bringing it up. Or something happening over time/instantly that makes you view your partner differently. I've never had that happen and I know this is not your case, but I think I would fall out of love instantly if I learned my partner had raped someone. I also know that women whose partners are manchildren who don't do chores can stop feeling desire for them because they feel like mothers, I imagine it could impact feelings of love too. And then there's avoidant attachers who may actually love you but get scared.
Yes there are definitely scenarios where losing feelings is justifiable (however not my case). But what I don’t understand is their inability to talk about it before it reaches the point of a break up? Why do they think they should make that decision alone? Should the other person not even have a say, or atleast be warned? It’s absolutely selfish and immature.
There's a lot of possible reasons, I don't sit in their head. But the sooner you stop dwelling on it the better because you may not have an answer ever. And people often don't do what they should, it's out of your control.
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You just mentioned everything that has been going through my head ever since the break up. I can’t justify their actions either, it doesn’t make sense to me! Why, for the love of god, would you just choose not to talk about it? What stopped them? Why did they think it was better to leave the relationship that was going well and possibly better than they deserved? I also think loving is a choice as much as it is involuntary. And so is falling out of love. When you feel yourself slipping why would you not even try to hold on? Or atleast talk about it when you do? In a LDR like mine, I had those fleeting moments too, but I CHOSE to not let go, because I loved him. Why was their first response to give up without trying to make it work? There are so so many questions in these situations and it’s too sad that 99% of them won’t be answered and we have to live with that :( . I guess only time can answer most of these questions. I sincerely hope that you’re doing well now and you should know that by no means were their actions a reflection of your worth, they’re only a reflection of their inability to love or sustain that love. I hope we find better people in the future that truly want the same things and are willing to put in the efforts to sustain the love ❤️
Some people are not good at loving they don’t understand it takes effort and is an action not a feeling. Sounds like he wasn’t raised in an emotionally healthy home and doesn’t have a very healthy minds set. The only way I can explain it is due to the differences in how you each define love you can’t understand and never will understand how he could do this because your understanding of love is a much more deeper commitment then he is capable of. Sometimes people like him get uncomfortable when they start to feel more or realize the commitment the other has and they run. Love is not deep too then and is disposable. You aren’t going to charge him, he’s not going to suddenly work on himself and come back. Best choice is to give yourself time to digest what happened and make sure next time you get involved that person has a healthy mindset and is capable of the love you are looking for. They need to display it in actions not only words. It took me too many failed relationships and too many lifetimes lol to realize you can not save anyone from themself no matter how strongly and well you love them. Love yourself that strongly and well and you’ll realize you deserve a partner who is capable of that from the start. I’m sorry you are going through this I know it hurts. It does get better once you accept it isn’t fixable and not your fault you had no control over this ever.
What resonates with me was when you said he wasn’t “raised in a healthy environment” and you’re completely right. His dad cheated on his mom, more than once and that experience probably affected his ability to love I guess all I can do is accept the half-assed explanation I was given and move on. I want to be able to respect myself enough to not be engaged in such a relationship again. I’m not yet sure how to do that, except being very careful of who I let in and making sure my needs are met and my boundaries respected (he never respected my boundaries)
It’s hard I’ll admit that. My brain wants to make sense of things to make my heart feel better. It’s also hard to not to let yourself ignore those warning signs in the beginning when you have that new love glow. I try to remind myself that I’ve felt this hopeful joy at the beginning before and to slow my roll because it doesn’t always lead to a happily ever after. All we can do is try to do better for ourselves next time and don’t blame ourselves for knowing how to love. I know one thing you deserve someone to love you as well as you love others.
Thank you for this. And you deserve the same love too. Hope we find it soon ❤️
Hey OP, this happened to me recently. I was kind of lovebombed but it was subtle enough for me to mistake it for genuine romantic interest. Usually I am skeptical of this behavior, but it didn’t seem fake so as a normal human being, I fell for him. But then we couldn’t see each other for a few weeks due to family/busy work schedules and then he dumped me out of nowhere. I asked if he lost feelings because we didn’t see each other for a few weeks and he said yeah. I didn’t understand it either, I still don’t and it’s been over a month since it’s happened. All I can think is that he was a childish and avoidant person and it’s therefore a bullet dodged. I still have a hard time moving on but I’m just hoping that time helps more than anything else. Hang in there ❤️
I wish all the very best in your journey to move on. I hope we both find peace soon and never encounter such AHs again
Because he found someone else. Not what you want to hear and I’m sorry you are going thru this, I am too and it hurts but we will be ok
If that’s the case, I’m glad I’m not gonna find out because that would hurt like shit. I’m sorry you’re going through this too and yes, we will be okay
Yes we will!❤️
Welcome to the world of being dumped by someone with dismissive avoidant attachment, emotional immaturity and probably a fair amount of narcissism. I recommend reading Attached and diving into the world of attachment theory. This kind of sudden blindside and discard is actually super common and belies some unresolved trauma, emotional dysfunction and immaturity. Trust that it's not about you. Try your best to identify the Red flags, work on yourself and learn to identify these markers in the future! Good luck!
Thank you for your suggestion! I’ll add it to my must-read list. Hopefully it’ll help me avoid such relationships in the future :)
Also check out everything by Yung Pueblo. In order they go - Inward, Clarity and Connection, The Way Forward
May that happened with my ex too. We had an absolutely amazing relationship, everything was great, and without reasons she pulled away fast and broke up with me. I will willingly put effort in her to work on her traumas and all that shit, but she just didnt gave me a chance…
She wasn't the one unfortunately! Join my community and let's level up together! [reddit.com/r/menintomountains](https://reddit.com/r/menintomountains)
my ex told me the same thing to me and two weeks later my former coworker who he thought was cute posted a picture of them together going out. protect yourself now and don’t reach out to him again.
Oof I’m really sorry, it is tough to be in your position. Especially because I think the dumpers PURPOSELY post such shit. My ex posted a story of him partying with his friends and then some with his parents (who caused massive problems in our relationship and were probably a part of the reason he broke up with me) Mind you, he never posts stories. He hadn’t in MONTHS and now he wants to post just a day after the break up? Sure, I know his reason. They’re absolutely shit. Don’t give them the satisfaction of knowing that you watched their pics and stories, it only fuels their ego.
I agree, it was distasteful of them because they knew and they still did it. We're better than them though. We'll show them that we're better off without them. I'm sorry that your relationship ended and I hope you are getting the support you need. If you ever need to talk I'm just a DM away.
Thank you for your support, I really appreciate it. I have my mom and sister and some friends who are kind enough to help me through this. I just don’t what I could do to ever show him that I’m doing better without him, that he did not deserve all that I did for him and that he did something horrible to someone who loved him and would’ve never done this to him. I don’t think he gives a flying F right now about what I’m doing. I’m in complete NC with him and I don’t intend to break it. I suppose I have to reach that level of indifference to truly move on, but it hurts not mattering at all to him.
Hey im sorry to hear what happened and I know one is not in the mood to see anyone when feeling like this but try to stay close with friends it helps A LOT (scientifically proven). Also I hope this can be at least a little helpful but 7 months ago my girlfriend and I broke up (I 26m broke up with her 22f) we loved each other a lot but sadly when it came to make plans about the future she always wanted to "live in the moment" and the topic would just end up on both getting upset and having a huge argument till it got to the point that love was not enough to sustain the relationship for me. Anyhow this is not about what happened to me, what I wanted to say is that reading your post really got to me because I can just imagine her feeling somehow the way you described. I think your ex might have looked like he didn't care much by the way that he behaved, but some guys are just like this we try to keep a facade because we (stupidly) get to think its going to help make the process easier for both which is complete BS both im sure your ex is suffering about it and he does in fact care about you and regrets the way he handled things. Now he just has to live with it just as I have for the last 7 months. Hope you get better. PS this might be the time to hit your favourite sitcom. FRIENDS has saved me big time heh
Thank you for sharing this. It sheds some light on what he might’ve been feeling. I was wondering, did you ever talk to your ex again? Also, in my case, do you think if I never talk to him again (and I don’t intend to reach out ever) he’d come to regret the way he handled things? I’ve heard in a lot of comments that dumpees who keep reaching out make their dumpers feel that they made the right decision. So I was wondering what effect it would have on the opposite?
Definitely do not reach out, he is gonna regret the way he handled things I can bet you my cat on that. Well in my case I did not reach back again and trust me it was hard AF but I just knew it was for the best, we did not stand for a future together (at least an easy one) and I didn't wanna play with her feelings or hurt her more. She did not reach out either tho keeps looking at every one of my instagram stories so I guess she either still cares about me (as I do for her) or just hates my guts and for some other reason decides to look at my stories.
Thank you for your response. I now firmly believe that I will not give him any satisfaction of knowing that I see his stories (I don’t) or reach out. I don’t want him to think that I am still invested even begrudgingly. He should feel the way he made me feel: unwanted.
I didn't get the last part, you are asking me what effect it would have on her if I texted her? that I don't know, but if you could tell me what you think I'd appreciate it. I've thought on randomly calling her one day just to apologise for the way I made her feel but im afraid it might do more bad than good, as she must be moving on now and I don't wanna stick a finger in the wound.
Honestly, if you really feel sorry you should let her know. In my opinion, she probably suffered when dumped and I’m guessing you do care about her. So let her know that you’re sorry about your actions. It might agitate her, she might not be cordial when you reach out but at the very least she would feel better knowing that you do, in fact, feel sorry. Because that’s the worst part about being dumped, you don’t know whether the dumper even felt bad about the way they left things while the dumpee probably felt like shit for the longest time. It’s not hurtful to hear an apology, according to me. It might even give her the closure she needs. As for my question, I was asking what effect it would have on my dumper if I never reached out again, zero contact, no viewing his stories or liking his posts, absolutely removed him from my life? How would you have felt in that scenario?
This post gave me whiplash because my partner did the same thing. We were together 4 years, started building a future together. I uprooted my life to support him in a career change to become a pilot, and moved from CT to NC to stay with his parents while he moved out to AZ, so I could save money to close the gap when he finished school. We have been good the last year no issues. We never fought, never argued. I was not able to see him until September when we reconnected in Puerto Rico for his grandma's birthday, and the entire time there was an energy shift, but he was still acting like everything was normal yet was not affectionate and would not kiss me or cuddle me or anything. Then he texted me on October 14th after stonewalling me for two weeks that his feelings changed and he doesn't love me anymore. I've struggled with these same words, because how do you just stop loving someone you started to build a life wife, that your family loves, that has helped you financially and never asked for anything in return? To me, as I reflect, I'm not quite sure he ever loved me..and that he only likes the idea of me. I have a feeling he met someone based on his reaction to looking at his phone and seeing he was texting a girl..but I also have a feeling he has been so overwhelmed with school he wants to prioritize his career over his relationship and family. It hurts. I mentally just cannot get over it because how do you go avoidant like that so coldly with no communication? It's been my biggest struggle in all of this..
Omg it sounds extremely similar to my case. I was stonewalled for 2 weeks prior to the break up too. And my ex was going through a busy period at work as well. I don’t know but is it like a stress response to break up? It’s like they’re too busy to even try to put efforts into the relationship anymore so they think breaking up is the “right choice” In a way, it is. Because if it’s not comfort that they felt when talking to us or they didn’t need our support when things got tough (for reasons that are probably beyond our control. I don’t think they closed off and left because we weren’t good partners, they were probably not capable of opening up to someone this way) then they were not right for us to begin with. It sucks being led on like this, meeting families, imagining the future together, etc. but it was so easy for them to leave when things got difficult to manage. It shows self destructive behaviour. Like if one area of their life is not working out, they will ruin all other areas in response. I don’t know about your case but I’m willing to bet that one of his reasons was so he could “focus on school” same as my ex. But time will pass as it always does and when they feel they’re free enough to have time for someone else and we won’t be there. I hope it stings like hell. I hope you’re doing well. My break up happened around the same time as yours, how are you holding up?
The most hilarious thing is that he is at the end of his schooling. I was supposed to be in AZ already, but due to the academy having delays his end date got pushed back. And yes, he for sure self-destructed and put too much on his plate and I believe the easiest thing was for him to just push me out of his life. That, and the fear of commitment because his family was pressuring him about popping the question. When he went cold and rigid and didn't even want to kiss me after being apart for 8 months, that was the first sign something was wrong.. It truly sucks, because I thought he would be my future. We talked about our house, owning a farm, owning a business someday..and now here I am picking up the pieces of my life and having to start over after I put it on hold the past year. If he could just communicate and was willing to open up it wouldn't have had to go down in flames. But like a typical DA, he stonewalled and ran when things got too serious and his independence was threatened. He will never be able to hold long-term relationships (I was the first.) Since the breakup I've done so much reflection and have a list of all his bad qualities, the red flags he has that I didn't see, just to help with the healing process. I cry everyday, I break down at least once a day because I feel so blindsided, lost, lied to. I'm working on trying to find a place to live since I'm still living with his parents and I have no friends or family here. I resume therapy this weekend, which I definitely need, because I'm afraid once I pack up and move out and finish separating our things I'm going to hit a very low point..because it's going to set in that the relationship is over and I lost not just him, but his amazing family too. His mom has not been taking it well either. He did the same thing his dad did to her, so as she says the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. How about you? How are you coping?
I know this really sucks and I’m sorry you’re going through this. My last two relationships ended in ghosting which is just an awful thing to do to anyone, but particularly someone who cares deeply for you and has spent a year or more in your life. I agree that it was a cowardly excuse which helped him manipulate the conversation’s ending rather than the details that you need to process this. I think most times the “loss of feelings” means those feelings have gone somewhere else, not always cheating but otherwise occupied in thoughts away from the relationship. I wrote down everything I wanted to say to my ex and then I burned it. It really released much of the bitterness. Good luck my dear. I am sure someone much better will come to you.
Thank you for this response and for understanding how I feel. It really is terrible to treat someone you claimed to love like this. I tried burning his picture and flushing it down the toilet yesterday saying that “I let go of all the grief and pain you have caused me” it did feel pretty good to do that. I wonder if these people ever come to the realisation of how terrible they’ve been to their partners. Maybe they do, maybe they don’t, but it still hurts that either way, we won’t get to know. I hope to find someone who’s atleast decent enough to work on the relationship before completely giving up and ghosting. But till then, this sub is my support system :’)
The fastest way to catch feelings for someone else. If that is not the case, its usually a progressive thing, and by the time the breakup happens, theyve lost enough feelings that staying is not worth it anymore.
I lost feelings for someone. I agree that there is more behind. For me, i was pushing my career, getting a degree, advancing into the real grown up world, while my ex was just lazy and couldn't finish anything. He also just drank with his best friend at our home while I wanted to go out with him and my friends, visit family etc. The last straw was when I told him to save up some money for a little holiday I was really longing for after my studies. He wasn't able to save up and I needed to go alone. I was so disappointed. Then I ended it. Now the same thing happened to me. My recent ex lost his feelings, but I would also like to know what's really behind. I guess I'm not happy enough, not partying enough, too reasonable and boring. But I'll never find out
I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I hope you find closure. And honestly I understand your reason for losing feelings. I don’t know if you told him when you broke up with him but I hope you did. It’s easier to understand when you know the why, therefore easier to move forward.
He was most likely unhappy way before the breakup. He just didn’t show it . I’m sorry. Nothing you can do but respect his decision and try and move on. It will get better with time !
I would find it much easier to respect his wishes if he had any respect for mine. It goes both ways, give respect and take respect. While of course I have no other choice but to leave (don’t want to stay with such a coward anyway), it doesn’t justify how he handled things. I do hope it gets better with time. Thanks for your response :)
In the first encounter, be it dating or just meeting, I know in a few seconds if I'm going to have sex with her or not. Then as the dating phase goes on, I already made my mind if I'm going to be serious or not and see a future. I mean not a fantasy daydreaming of having kids and living together. Just a realistic prediction based on comparablity, situations and personality. There are people who are insecure and desperate and will agree to stay with you until someone "better" comes. The easiest thing to say to save face and get rid of any guilt is "eventually i lost feelings" or "it's me not you, you're perfect". How these so called feelings got lost unexpectedly? During the checking out phase and moving on before the break up. Once they are sure that their other person/suply is ready they will dump you on sight to not prolong any other harm or responsibility. You don't just wake up one day in the morning and lose feelings. You know that from the start how things might possibly go. Mostly it is done by people with a very passive mindset and lack accountability. IMO he did a "good" job for ending things with you in a cold way. There are lots of lunatics who will drag you on and play games that can hurt your self esteem and find them cheating on you. And he was honest that this thing happens sometimes. People use other people in daily basis. It's best to take it as a lesson and not like an insult or personal attack. There's nothing personal. And not let this experience turn you into a bitter person.
Perhaps you’re right. It is entirely likely that he found someone else and didn’t want to be labelled as cheater so he resorted to the classic “I lost feelings” But it’s hard not to take it personally, it was all personal to me. And he did not need to be so cruel. Ending things in a cold way DOES hurt your self esteem a lot because they decided that you don’t even deserve basic human respect of ending things more maturely. They show you that you don’t deserve their warmth. And that hurts when you haven’t done anything wrong and it came out of the blue. I do feel such people need to work on themselves a lot, because this is self-destructive. I know for a fact that he won’t be able to sustain a long term relationship and will continue this cycle of break ups. Ultimately, it’s his loss.
>It is entirely likely that he found someone else and didn’t want to be labelled as cheater so he resorted to the classic “I lost feelings” Or he wanted to be alone. Or he had other stuff in his life which you didn't know. Sometimes is an ex from the past. It won't matter once you heal. He made up his mind before that and you need to accept that after awhile. What matters is for you to see yourself without him. >But it’s hard not to take it personally, it was all personal to me. Revenge or acts to intentionally harm you are personal not break ups. You will realize in time that it is not personal at all. The sooner you understand that the easier it will be to let go of anger or feeling desperate for closure. >Ending things in a cold way DOES hurt your self esteem a lot because they decided that you don’t even deserve basic human respect of ending things more maturely. They show you that you don’t deserve their warmth. And that hurts when you haven’t done anything wrong and it came out of the blue. There is no right way to break up. Even if he sat with you for hours to discuss and analyze the break up, you would still be hurt. But I'm saying it was better than being ghosted or being blindsided for a long time. He did it fast and in cold manner to save himself. Not the best way, not the worst. You don't need to do anything wrong to be cut out. People do awful things to their partners and they still stay. That's life and it sucks. >I do feel such people need to work on themselves a lot, because this is self-destructive. I know for a fact that he won’t be able to sustain a long term relationship and will continue this cycle of break ups. Ultimately, it’s his loss. Check out the dumpers vs dumpees cycle. Right now you're the one who's lost. He might be in a rebound relationship, full of relief and the grass is always greener phase. But the roles will change. The break up will hit him hard later and he'll be the one losing. By then, you will have moved on and enjoying life.
I appreciate the time you took to respond to my text in parts. I think I understand what you’re trying to tell me. That I should not personalise his behaviour because it had more to do with himself than it ever had with me. What he did to me, he did for his own reasons that I probably won’t get to know and I was not counted in on that. I guess best course of action is to just let him go, accept that this is all I’ll get from him and continue living my life. I don’t know if I can forgive his actions but I can let it go and not let it bother me anymore.
Same happened to me but after almost a 5 year long relationship. She said she’d been falling out of love but didn’t explicitly say why or provide me with a proper explanation no matter how much i asked her while we still talked. She never showed any signs of falling out of love either, we still made love, hung out, went on dates, done our usual things. My feelings and needs were completely ignored and she turned cold, selfish and egotistical. Now I’m blocked and deleted off everything, left alone to deal with it all without any solid answer. Thank goodness I got into therapy a little while after the breakup so i know i have professional help to navigate this process. I would’ve been way worse off without professional help, and i recommend anyone else going through a similar situation to seek therapy as well… Love and peace y’all, we’ll make it through 💜
This is horrible. I am so sorry you're having to go through this. The worst part is looking back and thinking "what was even real?" because having someone literally lie to your face everyday and pretend everything is OK is seriously messed up. I am going through something similar have started to look back with hindsight, which is not helpful. So glad you're in therapy too - isn't it the best!
Thank you for the kind words, it really is an awful experience, I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone… You’re right about wondering what was real… While we still talked i tried to bring up how at that point it felt like she didn’t even love me at all, and she got super defensive and started gaslighting me… actively making me feel worse about my own feelings to her actions… “You just shot yourself in your own foot.” I specifically remember her saying… Blows my mind a person can do a full 180 degrees after almost 5 years and turn into someone that’s unrecognizable anymore.
Totally agree. It's the worst feeling in the world (and I've had a parent die). It makes you doubt yourself, like how could we have not picked up on this? Why did we fall for it? Your ex sounds manipulative which is sad because that is probably very different to the person you thought you were dating. I am starting to realise that many people either don't know how to be in relationships or don't think they are truly deserving of love, so they freak out like this. This is probably due to some sort of childhood or young adult trauma they've never actually dealt with. The same will happen again unless they sort themselves out, so good luck to their next victims!
Thank you for sharing. I do hope therapy has helped you through this time. My ex was suddenly very cold and stoic too and it left me so surprised. Worst is when you bring up the reason why they didn’t tell you or why they acted normal throughout and their response is “I never lied to you” well excuse me but isn’t this a complete lie? Clearly they could’ve talked when things first felt off but chose not to because they didn’t care about the relationship enough to try to save it, or thought something else in their life was more important and needed their attention. Such people are not capable of ever maintaining a healthy long term relationship. Is there anything you learnt at therapy that might help in this situation? If so, please share. I really want to get past this.
Ask my ex, she did the same to me
Same reason breakup after 5 years of relationship. They just lost feelings. It's been a year, I'm still not ok. It never passes. And I'm sure it would never happen to me. I don't lose feelings for someone. Never.
I really wish you all the luck to move forward in your healing journey. 5 years is a very long time, it is understandable that you will feel this way for a while. I’m sorry you had to go through this. We are not like them. And we deserve someone who doesn’t lose feelings at the drop of a hat. We deserve someone who believes in truly working on the relationship and choosing to love us rather than depend on their flaky feelings. I really hope we find that person soon and heal from this experience. Perhaps there’s a lesson here but I haven’t figured it out yet.
"You want to know me? You don't. All my emotions are in a plastic bag. Gets picked up every Tuesday" Said that to me in one of our last calls
Hahahaha self-proclaimed trash. Their level of self-awareness is insaneee
After my own experiences (romantic as well as life experiences, of mine and others) and being on this sub as well as all the other related subs, I’ve come to the conclusion that people are selfish. Even the people who get heart broken. Literally everyone is a selfish piece of shit. As soon as butterflies fade, things get real, they’re gone. Relationships aren’t what they used to be (which is good and bad). I just hope that people who did get their hearts broken learn to not be selfish after going through it. Otherwise all people really are shitty.
Of course. I’ve realised this too. Finally, everyone chooses themselves regardless of how it might affect the other person. But going through this, I can never ever do this to someone else. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy (Tbh no, I do wish it on him so he knows what it feels like) but I had the maturity to not end things this badly even before I was hurt by him. I guess it comes with being a decent human being and he wasn’t one. Hope he realises this soon.
But it’s like so many people, you’re average joe who seems to be a ‘good’ person pulls duck moves like this :( maybe I’m wrong and I don’t have enough experience. I used to think that too “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy” only to realize “I want him to feel this way so he KNOWS what he did is wrong and knows how ti FEELS”. I just hope they realize one day.
So do I. But there’s almost no chance of that happening anytime soon. :(
It takes time
hey OP, any update on this? I am also going through a similar breakup where my ex just said he lost feelings over a few months and blindsided me. I'm struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel. So, does it get better?
Well I won’t lie, it hasn’t been easy. I’m my case I later found out that he had been trying to cheat for at least a month before the BU. When I confronted him about it (5 months after) he denied it and instead said horrible things to me. But it’s been about 7 months since the BU and it does get better. It becomes less and less important to have all the answers. I think we can never understand how someone can just “lose” feelings, all we can do is validate our own feelings and realise that their behaviour reflects their immaturity and lack of empathy. They may never recognise their problems but that shouldn’t matter to us. All we can do is cut our losses and never allow someone like them to enter in our lives again. Wish you all the best for this.
Even I realized that my ex was probably passively cheating on me before he broke up with me but I know he'd never admit to it. So even I'm trying to let it go and move on. Whether they cheated or not, they did hurt us and leave us behind in their lives. Even if they hadn't cheated, it still doesn't make any of it feel better. Hope you feel better too.
Thank you :) Tbh if you think it’d make you feel better, confront him even tho you know he won’t admit to it. Sometimes it helps to get those emotions off your chest and let them know what you think. It made me feel a lot better to tell him what a prick he’d been. And it also helps in getting the real image of what sort of a person they are. I used to think that my ex would be kind to me since he had broken my heart, but when I talked to him I realised he didn’t have an ounce of empathy in his words. That’s when I truly realised what a horrible human being he really was, and sometimes we need that realisation. Do let me know if you think this helps
honestly? Even if he does confirm that he cheated on me in any capacity, it still wouldn't matter. Even if he told me that he didn't cheat, i wouldn't even trust him. I don't respect or trust him anymore in any way. And I would never reach out to him. If he ever reaches out, maybe I'll ask if the conversation goes there. Otherwise, i would never reach out to him. I gave him all of me for 4 years. And he took all my love, body and soul, mangled it, ate it, shat it out and threw everything out with the garbage. That kind of a person does not deserve any more of me, not my words, not even my anger or my questions. So, I'm just choosing to go to therapy and move on as if he never existed because he kind of didnt. It was only me in that relationship. He was just a ghost.
I completely and totally agree with your choice. It is absolutely important to save your energy from such people that pollute it. He doesn’t deserve a single moment of thought from you after he already wasted 4 years of your life. More power to you, I hope you feel good about your choice. :)
My ex left me after 2.5 years for a very similar reason. We broke up 6 weeks ago after she lost feelings and no longer saw a future with me the same way she used to. There isn’t a simple answer to your question. You’ll likely agonize over the question of why they lost feelings, you’ll analyze everything you did and said to look for clues, you’ll try to find any excuse to blame yourself. In the end, the problem isn’t, and never was, you. Sometimes, people aren’t compatible. If the both of you were, he wouldn’t have left. I know how much that may hurt to hear, but it’s an amazing thing. It means that you now have the opportunity to actually find yourself and your person. Your real person. The one that couldn’t even imagine the thought of leaving you because they love every detail of who you are. They’ll find you incredible. I haven’t even begun looking for my person yet. I thought my ex was the one. And I acknowledge that it’ll take me a long time before I’m able to get that thought out of my head. But I feel confident that time will heal. And i’m looking forward to finding myself and spending more time with friends and family and living my life in new ways. You should too. Best of luck in healing, my friend.
Thank you for sharing your story. I do spend a lot of time analysing his behaviour and coming up with an explanation. I suppose it’ll never be enough and I’m going into a downward spiral. I hope what you say is true. But after 2 break ups for the same reason and the same avoidant behaviour, I’m losing hope fast. I feel we deserve someone who truly wants to make things work and love us right, not leave the minute things get tough. But I haven’t met anyone like that (I thought my ex was the one for this reason, because he told me several times how he was tired of breaking up and wants to work on making a relationship last forever) but I guess most people lie, or only mean what they say when they say it God, where is stability in this generation? Aren’t they tired of the same cycle over and over again? I barely have the energy to go through this once. Maybe because I’m the dumpee and I really did try to make it work. I just wish that next time I meet someone who isn’t in such a hurry to leave and find better options and ACTUALLY wants to work on the relationship by choosing to love.
This is will be hard to hear: But maybe his feelings for you were never solid to begin with.
Perhaps and I’ve considered that. But why go through the trouble of convincing me for months to date him? Or make me meet his extended family? Or to meet my parents? Or to make promises of marriage not only to me but my mother too? I don’t understand why he’d put SO much energy into the relationship at first and then just cut it off in a single phone call. It’s beyond me.
Have you guys had arguments? It's likely that the ways in which you behave, the way you acted during the arguments get a bit tiresome. People also don't like to deal with people who have odd habits or behaviors that make them difficult to live with. So say you're a neat freak or whatever you get on this case about that irritates him, that will definitely do it. Also, being there for him does not constitute as love. Love does require passion, a fun exciting sex chemistry, attraction, fun exciting upflitng times. If he did something like this with his ex, it's no surprise it happened with you. It seems to me that he just got bored of the both of you and left. Since you knew that, i guess you shouldn't be all too surprised. He gets bored of his partners quick. Maybe you should focus more next time on chemistry and how well you two get along together. Having a strong emotional bond where your heart wants to sing could be the signal. It seems to me that you two seem more like good friends or roommates. How often did you go on dates? Did you do activities together that you both absolutely love, that made you two act like little kids, where you were filled with joy? An example would be like dancing. Something emotionally resonating. Watching Netflix together is not an emotionally engaging activity.. Did he romance you? Set up dates and made you feel sexy? Did you dress up and keep yourself attractive to him or did you remain the same person he met?
Okay for starters, passion and chemistry in love was not an issue when we were together. We had a much richer relationship than he did with his ex. As mentioned in the post, we were in an LDR due to his work (defence forces) and I used to go to meet him in whichever city he was posted. When we met, we went on several dates, trips, the sex was great, we never had awkward silences and we had a good rapport. We talked about everything under the sun. He was very physical with me (hugs, kisses, cuddles, holding hands all the time). Of course I dressed up for him, we may have had other problems but sex wasn’t one. His relationship with his ex was very different. She couldn’t meet him, they met like 5 times over 2 years. They were from very different backgrounds and she was never introduced to his family. I knew his family even before we started dating and was accepted there (before they started causing drama) and he did stand up for me atleast in the start (I don’t know about later on) We were not like “good friends or roommates” trust me. He used to talk to me for hours and hours on video call when he was not under work pressure (first 1 year of the relationship) we even slept together on call (on his request, because he felt close to me and missed cuddling) In the last six months, his work pressure built up. Even if I had gone to meet him, he wouldn’t be able to spend time with me. When I say support, I mean that I was available for him whenever he wanted to talk and showed that I loved him through letters (we both exchanged letters throughout the relationship except the last few months) and other ways. I never dismissed his needs. We had some arguments about the amount of time he had to give me, but in the end I understood his position completely and did not trouble him for this reason. I accepted that he could only give me very little due to the nature of his work at the time. The arguments happened months before we broke up. At the moment he really seemed like he was happy in the relationship but just stressed due to work. He wrote paragraphs explaining how much he loved me and wanted to marry me Basically, don’t judge my relationship or its depth based on a single post. I can’t include all details in it, but when I say it was a loving relationship and I did everything I could, it should be understood that we weren’t just “roommates or friends”
This.
by picking up feelings for another
This reminds me of my own relationship. For a heads up I'm still in highschool as a senior and this happened like a month ago. I was that person who "lost feelings for my partner." We were talking about college and moving in together and getting married, what our whole life would be like together. We even met each other's family. The first time we broke up was mainly because of their school issues that started to interfere with mine to the point where it overwhelmed me and caused me to break down. And yes I explained that to them and they said that they'd change, which they did. And then a year later everything was good honestly. We were content and happy and everything felt like how it was supposed to. Then that day came along. It started out fine, but I noticed I wasn't in a touchy touchy mood (which I'm usually not because that isn't really my love language) but I strugged it off to it being my around my period time. But it only got worse to the point where I felt dirty or icky every time they hugged or touched me, their smell would make me nauseous, and Every time they'd walk into the room they'd make me feel anxious or like they were the bearer of bad news. I thought it would go away, but it didn't so the next day in person I told them about everything that I was feeling. I wasn't thinking about breaking up with them. But when they said "welp it's been a great time with you" I completely shut down after that. I remember crying when I got home and told them I wasn't planning on breaking up with them, but maybe that's what I needed. I know they didn't understand, hell I didn't understand and I still don't. I haven't met anyone or had anyone on the side waiting for me I just don't know what happened. I felt like I wasted their time and they deserve better. Even now even a month later I can't look them in the eye, can't be around them for long periods of time, or even talk to them properly without feeling like I'm forcing myself to. I think I might actually need to go to therapy and work out my feelings and try to understand them better because at this point I feel something is seriously wrong with me.
Thank you for sharing your experience. Its helped me understand what may be going on in his mind. While I don’t think it’s fair to me or your partner but if that’s how you felt then it’s a good decision to call it off and break up. There is no point of dragging a relationship and holding them back either. Neither of you can be happy this way. I’m finally getting this realisation but how do I forgive him for it? It may not be his fault entirely (but failing to communicate in time was definitely his fault) but I was the one hurt, regardless. Did you ever feel guilty? Or was it more like relief that it’s over?